This week I had the privilege of sitting on a panel presentation about “Growing Up Online” at a local high school. There was some great dialogue between counselors, parents and teens. I want to share some thoughts with you from my perspective as a therapist and a parent.

Technology and the internet is neutral. The tools are neither good or bad, however the key is how we use them and what we teach our kids. Here are some trends, concerns and practical ideas.

These are the trends that I am seeing

Teens are still using Facebook, but they are becoming increasingly active on other platforms such as Instagram, Tumblr & Reddit. This is mostly because they want increased privacy and an online space where their parents and other adults are not monitoring them. A recent USAToday article compared Facebook to a chaperoned school dance.

YouTube is still a teen favorite. Teens use it for self-expression, as a music source, for entertainment and also for learning.

Some teens are very careful online and others are engaging in very risky behaviors. I have heard teens say that they don’t do “stupid” things online because they don’t want to disappoint their parents and also because they want to keep their options open for the future. They are also using social media and texting to reach out to supportive people when they are in crisis, which is very positive.

Here are some of the concerning things I have noticed

• Teens sharing their suicidal intentions on YouTube, Instagram & Facebook
• Video chatting with random strangers - services like Chatroulette and Omegle
• Teens are able to get around any internet restrictions parents set up
• YouTube obsession interfering with completing schoolwork or chores
• Regular viewing of pornography
• Trouble managing time spent on online video games
• Teens posting content that could affect their future job & college applications
• Cyberbullying

As a therapist, I see the stress that is created by social media

I will be the first to tell you how much I love technology, but I think the internet and social media is creating stress for all of us. However, our kids are less equipped to handle this new level of stimulation, anxiety and interaction online.

Some of the stress comes from teens airing their relationship conflicts online. This leads to distracting and engrossing emotional drama that unfolds on Facebook or other online spaces.

“These days, insecure in our relationships and anxious about intimacy, we look to technology for ways to be in relationships and protect ourselves from them at the same time.” – Sherry Turkle, Alone Together 2011

For teens, and many adults, the digital channel is never off. There is hardly a break and it can become consuming. It interrupts sleep patterns, creates tension with parents, causes grades to drop and generally leads to unhappy kids. The new term I heard recently is FOMO, which refers to the “fear of missing out” and the need to be constantly connected. Many teens seem literally unable to not respond to text messages or ever turn their phones off. Of course, some teens naturally manage this much better than others.

Cyberbullying is still a reality, sometimes subtle and other times horrifying.

Excessive time spent on video games creates all sorts of problems, not the least of which is sleep deprived, irritable teenagers.

Teenage internet addiction is on the rise and has evoked pediatric warnings. The concept of internet addiction is currently being hotly debated and many health professionals, as well as parents are concerned.

One of the problems with “digital intimacy” is that it sets up situations for wounding that are too much for teens to bear. The social situations that arise often go far beyond their social and emotional capabilities. They don’t know what to do and become overwhelmed. Social networking can also be quite superficial.

These are the main concerns that I hear from parents

• Social isolation & withdrawal from the family
• Addiction: gaming, pornography & other
• Interfering with school & home responsibilities
• Teens don’t understand the potential impact of their actions online
• Teens being exposed to negative influences that parents have no control over
• Parents inability to track online activities and protect their kids

So what can we do?

Our job as parent’s is to be a buffer to the digital world until our children are mature enough to handle it on their own. There is no greater protective factor for a teenager than having a trusted relationship with a caring parent. I think the best answer is a combination of education, limits and positive relationships.

Here are some practical ideas:

• Sign a media contract with your kids
• Set up protection software on computers & mobile devices
• Have regular family meals
• Create digital free zones in your house
• Invite your teenager to educate you on current trends
• Show interest & curiosity in your teen’s life – online and off

Resources & Links

Mobicip – Safe and secure mobile internet
Family dinners benefit adolescents
Media agreements for parents & teens
PBS documentary – Growing Up Online

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and giving me a minute to talk to you today. I hope you are having a good week and that I can help you in some way.

My desire in writing these blog posts is not just to share random information, talk about  myself or promote my services.

I truly want to support you as a parent and create a community here (and through my Facebook page and newsletter).

I know parents go through different phases, just like our kids and we have different needs. Sometimes we need good information, sometimes advice, support, encouragement and sometimes we just need a good laugh to relieve our stress.

Whatever you are going through right now, I want to help in some small way. If you send me an email and share something you are dealing with right now I would be honored to read it and respond.

My promise to you is that I will reply to your email. Of course, it might take me a little time depending on the number of emails.

How can I support you right now? What do you need to be the best parent that you can be?

You can simply click HERE to send me a quick note.

Let me know and I look forward to hearing from you.

For most parents the most difficult times are during the toddler and the teen years. One might argue that teens are even tougher to handle than toddlers!

Have you heard the phrase, “raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.” Sometimes things go terribly wrong. Sometimes it can feel impossible. Here is the question that I am taking a look at today.

“How do I get things back on track when things have gone wrong?”

Attachment parenting is something that I have been studying the last few years. It has benefited my relationship with my kids and also assisted me in helping families in my practice.

Attachment parenting focuses on the nurturing connection that parents can develop with their children. That nurturing connection is viewed as the ideal way to raise secure, independent, and empathetic children.

Basically, nothing is more important than your relationship with your teenager. He needs to know that no matter how he acts, no matter how bad the family fights get, you are committed to him and to staying connected to him.

Here are a couple ideas to consider next time things get heated between you and your teen.

Take a parent time out.

This is always an option. No one makes good decisions when their emotions are on high alert, not adults and certainly not teens. When you regulate your emotions and keep your cool your teen will take note. It is rarely productive to lock horns and do the power struggle dance. Take some time to cool down. “You know I think I need to take some time to calm down. I love you and I don’t want to do this right now.”

Role model the behavior you want to see in your teen.

Let’s be honest, sometimes when our kids push our buttons we end up acting more immature and childish than them. Bite your tongue, avoid mocking and sarcastic responses and don’t call him the names you are thinking in your head. Yes, I know you have had those thoughts. Be the first to apologize if you have said something hurtful or done something unkind. Walk your talk and your teen may just follow along.

Empathize with your teens feelings.

This takes practice to do in a genuine and supportive way. You can do this even if he doesn’t admit to being sad or angry. “I know it must be frustrating for you that you can’t go out with your friends tonight. I really do want to help you get what you want, but we need to work together on a compromise” Letting him know that you understand his feelings can calm him down and relieve some of the pressure.

Give him some time and space.

Sometimes this is the most respectful way to relate to your teen, who may no longer be open to hearing your words. You can always return to the conversation later, but don’t leave it for too long. Unresolved fights only create more distance in your relationship. “This is a difficult conversation for us. I think we both need some time to think before we keep talking. I am going to come back in a few hours and we try again.”

Get down on his level. 

This is part of attachment parenting with younger kids. You get down on the floor with your toddler, on his level and relate to him there. It applies to the teen years as well. Go to him, wherever he is, on his turf so to speak. This might mean talking to him when he is open to the conversation, even if it is 11:30pm at night. Don’t always take the approach that your teen needs to come to you on your terms. Show him that you will do whatever you can to maintain your connection to him.

What would you add to this list? I would love to hear what has worked for you.

My recent online survey brought up many excellent questions from parents that I would love to answer. Here is the first one that I am addressing this week.

“I would like to know when to offer help and when to leave my teenager alone. It is really hard to know!”

This is such a great question because it touches on a struggle that every parent of a teenager faces. Of course you want your teen to have a happy and successful life. As an involved parent (which I know you are because you are reading this blog!), you also know when your teenager is drifting off course and making poor choices.

For me, the key words in answering this question are respect and empowerment.

Respect

Your teenager is in the process of becoming his own self-sufficient, independent thinking person. As you know, sometimes it is quite messy. However, when you choose to respect your teen you are choosing to treat him more as an emerging young man and less as a child. This doesn’t mean that you agree with his thinking, his values or his choices. It simply means that you recognize that he has his own opinions and he is working on navigating his own life.

You can still enforce the rules of your household and the expectations that you have laid out. However, instead of telling him what to do, you are helping him evaluate the potential consequences of his decisions. I’ll give you a clue, this often means asking more questions and doing more listening than anything else. Allowing your teenager to face the consequences of his decisions, rather than rescuing him and lecturing him, is actually a sign of respect. I know that you have had to learn the hard way from your mistakes a few times in your life.

A recurrent theme in my therapy practice is the “lazy” teenager and the “nagging” Mom. This is extremely common and also extremely frustrating. Being clear on your expectations and the consequences is very helpful in avoiding this type of pattern. Once this is clear, don’t remind him 20 times, simply follow through with your plan. Once he gets to work and college, his bosses and teachers will definitely not be giving him repeated prompts to do his work. In this way you are respecting your teenager and also preparing him to be independent. Take a look at this Family Communication Worksheet that I have found quite helpful.

Lastly, respecting your teen means asking him if he wants your advice and/or help before you give it. Ask him, “Do you want to know what I think or would you like to figure this one out yourself?” or “Is this a good time for me to share my ideas with you?” or even “Let me know if you want any help with this problem.” Now of course, there are situations where you will not ask, you may need to take action and intervene, i.e. if your teen is hurting himself or using drugs or alcohol. However, in many situations it is a good idea to empower your teenager to think critically and make informed decisions.

Empowerment

The definition of empower is simply to give someone the authority or power to do something. I am fairly certain that your teenager is interested in gaining power and control in his life, sometimes in positive ways and sometimes in negative ways. This is actually quite appropriate for the stage of development that he is in.

Your teenager gains confidence and self-esteem whenever he can accomplish a task relatively on his own. Over-involved parents don’t give their kids many chances to make their own choices, to make mistakes and to learn from falling down. By treating your teenager with respect, as mentioned above, you are actually empowering him to think on his own and gain independence.

Sometimes empowerment involves having your teenager come up with their own consequences for breaking the rules. Sometimes it means trusting him to solve his own problems without your help. It could also mean allowing him more freedom than you are really comfortable with. Whatever the example might be, empowering your teenager will involve you releasing some amount of control and allowing him to pick it up. This is never easy for parents, but it is an essential step in raising a successful teenager.

Parenting expert Mark Gregston says, “Maturity is a by-product of the assumption of responsibility; teens won’t get it any other way.”

There are my initial thoughts on how to figure out when to help your teenager and when to leave him alone.

What would you add? How would you answer this question?

This is how I work.

Click the play button to hear the audio version of this post.

My Approach To Teen Counseling

Strengths-Based

I am more interested in your teenager’s strengths, gifts and personal resources than any diagnosis or problem he may have. A diagnosis may be helpful in understanding his challenges and creating a roadmap for change. However, there is a lot more to your teenager than the depression, anxiety or acting out he is experiencing. Your teen’s strengths are the foundation that we can use to build positive relationships and help him make better choices for his life.

Collaborative

I work in a collaborative way with my clients towards the goals that we set together. I have lots of experience and degrees, but the parents I work with are always the experts on their own kids. In the same way, teenagers are most definitely the experts on their own personal experiences. I see myself as a guide in the counseling process. We walk the path together.

Goal Oriented

In my mind, counseling is always more productive when we have an idea about what the goals are. What are we working towards? What needs to change? How will we know when counseling has been successful? I work hard to integrate your goals as a parent with your teenager’s goals to create changes that are good for everyone. Often times, teenagers goals in counseling are drastically different than those of their parents. Sometimes, their most pressing goal is figuring how to get out of counseling. I can even work with that.

Focused on Solutions

I tend to pay more attention to finding solutions than rehashing the details about the history of the problem. Of course, the history matters, but you can’t move forward if you are always looking backwards. I am always curious about what works and figuring out ways to recreate times of connection and experiences of success. I often find myself asking clients at the beginning of sessions, “Tell me about what went well this week.” Not where did you fall down, but tell me where you stood tall.

Non-therapisty

Ok, I know that is not even a word. However, I really do try not to talk and act like your average therapist. Teenagers don’t want to be asked, “How does that make you feel?” They don’t usually respond to silence and incessant nodding either. I always give a disclaimer when I have to ask typical therapist questions and my teenage clients seem to appreciate this. I also tend to work well with teens who have already seen several therapists and may even be burned out on counseling all together.

Humorous & Playful

Humor and playfulness is an important part of who I am as a person and a therapist. This is especially helpful in my work with teenagers. They are fluent in humor & sarcasm. I use humor to bring perspective to difficult challenges. I use it to sneak past teenager’s defenses and also to keep the conversation interesting. Life can be intense and growing up is hard work. Counseling doesn’t always have to be serious. Sometimes I can get to the heart of the matter quicker with a joke than a serious question. That is always a win in my book.

I hope this post has given you a little window into how I think and how I approach the work that I do.

Starbucks cup with coffee and tea assortment

I want to know what you want to know!

My mission is to support you as a parent and to empower your teenager. One of my teenage clients recently asked me if I like my job. The truth is that I really do love the counseling work that I do in my office each week.

However, I want to be able to help more parents and more teens. The best way that I can think of doing this is to offer online parenting courses that are targeted to specific, relevant topics. I have created a short, quick survey to get your feedback.

Based on your answers, I am going to put together my first online course for 2013 and make it truly awesome. I can promise you that the information I share will be practical, helpful and easy to access. It will likely include audio, video and worksheets that will all be viewable on your computer and/or mobile devices.

What about the Starbucks goodies?

So here it is. Take a quick minute and fill out this form. I will take all the submissions and randomly choose two winners. I will contact you if you win and then send you the goodies! (Just to be clear you will get just one of the two Starbucks cups and assortments in the photo )

Thanks so much for your help with this!

What was it like for you being a teenager? What were your struggles?

The truth of the matter is that no one survives adolescence unscathed. For some, the high school years are fantastic and for others just plain miserable. Whichever path you were on it is likely that you experienced the pain of heartbreak, the sting of rejection and some confusion about who you were “supposed” to be.

If you ever wondered if those issues from high school were over and gone all you have to do is have a teenager of your own. If you have any unresolved issues they are likely to be triggered by your teenager. That is a therapists way of saying that your teen will push your buttons and some of those “buttons” may bring you right back to high school.

Do you remember these feelings?

What do you do when your teen says they hate you and don’t want to be around you? That is the pain of rejection. Of course it doesn’t help that you have sacrificed to give your teen a comfortable and happy life and he never says thank you! What do you do when your teen won’t follow your directions and is constantly defying you? There is that powerless feeling from high school when no one would listen to you. What about when your teen is failing in school? How does that affect you? It might depend on whether you were a good student or if you struggled yourself.

Unresolved issues

The annoying thing about unresolved issues is that they can really sneak up on you. You may wonder why you get so mad at your teen about certain things and at certain times.

Why do some things he does just drive you crazy? One place to look for answers is in your own adolescent experience. It might be a great idea to talk to your spouse, a good friend or even a therapist if your past is putting up roadblocks for you. For better and worse you are affected by your past.

The good news is it is never too late to work on those issues from long ago to find more joy and less struggle in parenting your teen. You can start today.

If you want more support and helpful tips along the way subscribe to my email newsletter.

I wanted to share some encouragement with you today. Full disclosure: I had one the most challenging parenting days yesterday that I have had in awhile. I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say I was disappointed in how I handled a couple situations with my kids and my wife. No one likes to have those kind of days. It can leave you discouraged and uncertain how to turn the day around and fix the damage done.

“Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.” – Carl Jung

So, on to the encouragement part! Here is what I did to take care of myself and my family yesterday.

1. Took time away from the situation to calm myself down
2. Apologized to my kids for my poor choices
3. Communicated my feelings clearly
4. Followed up with hugs and affection
5. Called a family meeting to make sure nothing was left unresolved
6. Then we all did something fun together (shopping and eating fried chicken!)

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.” – Charles R. Swindoll

The first part of the day was quite rough, but in the end we were all connected and having fun together. I firmly believe that the way you and I repair those emotional breaks with our kids makes all the difference in the world. We can never be perfect parents. The truth is that even the most calm and caring parents can crack under stress and difficult circumstances. You can show your kids that you mistakes too and you will always seek to make things right.

“The best gift you can give your kids is to tend your own garden, cultivating strength, humor & kindness.” – Don McMannis, PhD