Except who wants to be alone? Not me. I like to pretend I do. That’s just because I’m used to people being temporary. Not to mention, my pride often keeps me from admitting that I want/need people around me. That I don’t want to live some lonely existence; void of family, friends, and love. I absolutely do not want that.

I see myself way differently than others perceive me, which is both good & bad. I don’t always see myself as capable of being who I want to be. Which is just a more rational, patient, & secure version of myself. I’ve never desired to be anyone else despite my shortcomings or anything I’ve been through. It’s never been, “I wish I was someone else.” Only, “can this bullshit NOT happen to me.” For the most part, the people around me think I’m capable of so much, and if it were any of my friends telling me this I’d say, “if so many people think so it’s probably true.” Of course it’s seldom that easy to believe in yourself. I’m always thinking my writing sucks, or that I’m not good enough for whoever I’m interested in. While there have always been people encouraging me, there’ve also people and situations out to prove that I simply can’t. As strong willed as I may be, I’m only human. I can take but so much. At least that’s what’s easy to believe when you’ve been hurt & slighted a few times.

I devoted last weekend to making some peace, and finding a starting point to move forward from. I could see myself spiraling. Darting back and forth between every possible emotion and it’s inverse. Driving myself mad, and those around me, away from me. Only I can stop this shit.

So, I saw him on Thursday evening. We walked around Central Park for hours. Like we used to. Only not. Because we were inseparable before, and now there’s almost a visible forcefield between the two of us. He couldn’t even take me hugging him. This is the first time I saw him since we broke up where I didn’t regret it after. I felt at ease. We laughed a lot. Caught up on where we are now. Exchanged goals and plans. The things people talk about to fill the space that grew between themselves and that person they love(d). Yeah. I said it. Somewhere between us walking around the park and going to get food, I caught myself staring at him. I didn’t say it aloud, but I heard my own voice in my head. “I loved you & it wasn’t enough.” I felt it. He doesn’t know that’s why I started to cry. I won’t ever tell him. I just needed to admit it to myself.

I spent the rest of the weekend away from the city. I didn’t take my journal or my MacBook, and if I could, I would’ve left my phone behind. I just wanted to stop thinking. I managed to achieve that after purging to my sister, and I’ve been feeling better ever since.  I know feeling my best is going to take work, and that there’s no easy button. No formula for happiness. I don’t know the first thing about acquiring it. I just hope that wanting it with every bone in my body suffices to attract it to me.

That’s me. I run from things that intimidate me. People, places, my own shadow at times (more often than I’d like to admit). This isn’t something I’m proud of, which is why I’m making an effort to change it. The best thing I’ve learned this year, thus far, is that I am absolutely in control. I am a kingdom, this is where I rule, and I have full power. This is one of those things we know, but the knowledge has no real purpose until you really believe in the concept and apply it to your life.

Everyone needs a break from time to time. The problem is that many of us don’t know when to take one. I’ve been feeling a little very overwhelmed. As useful as the Internet may be (obviously), it can also trump real social interaction. Hence, I deleted my Twitter last night. I’ll be back in May. I’d just like to spend the next eight weeks writing, physically seeing people, taking pictures, finding a new job, and losing this last ten pounds. I figure if I can separate myself from the distraction for a while, the aforementioned will become second nature, and my return will be a lot more productive. I have a lot of time on my hands at the moment, and it’d be utilized better offline.

*I’ll still be updating here & on Tumblr.

*Update: Stage one Twitter withdrawals. If I cave, promise not to judge me.

I remember in high school, a teacher really close to me showed me a small notebook she kept. In it was a log of her attendance dating as far back as her first days at the school, years prior. The first few years, she had a spotless record. Never late. Always there. She flipped forward to where we were in that moment, and as she got closer to that day, I saw all the latenesses. She told me something I obviously never forgot: “Your body, mind, and spirit will fight you when you try to go someplace you really don’t want to be.” She said she’d wake up early daily, but would be late no matter how hard she tried. She didn’t want to be there.

I don’t want to go clubbing. Celebrating a birthday? Sure. I’ll come out. I however can’t see myself in the club or any other parties, just because, if it’s not summer. My homebody tendencies are ones I will not try to fight, anymore. Despite my age, I want to do more low-key things at this juncture of my life. I don’t want to be out meeting guys in the dark. I’d much prefer a trip to a museum, dinner, or a movie.  I’m young, I know. I’d appreciate if everyone stopped reminding me, as if how long I’ve been alive is any indication of how my life has gone, or where it is at the moment. I wouldn’t mind if my next boyfriend were my last, honestly. I want a career, not a job. I want an apartment. A secure future.

I’m not writing off the wild nights, memories made under the influence, or “enjoying my youth,” as so many put it. I’m simply not as driven by temporary satisfaction as I once was. I’m seeking the balance between pleasure and discipline. Isn’t that what “Eat, Pray, Love” was all about?

Now, I find myself completely in the dark. I’m not going to go with the whole, “I don’t know who I am” thing. However, I shock myself a little every day, and I have clearly changed. A lot. There was a time when my world revolved around this concept of love that I believed in. I couldn’t tell you where I saw myself in five years, career-wise, but I was sure I’d be married to my ex-boyfriend.  These days, I don’t believe I’ve ever been in love.

I spend the bulk of my days trying to manage my emotions, and keep myself from feeling anything remotely warm for others. I don’t trust anyone; friends and prospective significant others alike. I can’t bring myself to open up. Everyone around me seems so full of love, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not anymore that I notice it, but witnessing it is definitely salting my wounds.

I never thought that the breakup would cause such a major shift in my personality, but it did. I’m more confident, driven, and independent. I’m also equally as guarded and brash. I lack empathy. I try to console myself with thoughts of all the amazing things I have planned for myself, like becoming a personal trainer, but it doesn’t help.

As easy as it was to get over my ex, I still feel like the relationship itself left a stain on my heart. The experience aspect of it. Watching all the effort I put in go to waste. Realizing that I wasn’t in love, I was just really attached. I question everything now.

If I felt that strongly and it wasn’t real, then what is?

1. “Send me a pic.” I don’t know that there ever was a time in which people could be trusted with semi-nude/nude photos, but now is certainly not it. Every single day, my Tumblr dashboard is littered with pictures of girls who I’m not convinced all know their photos are circulating around the web. I’ve had pics spread around in the past, so I know exactly what it feels like. I’m sure guys know what world we live in, so why do they all insist on asking for pics? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude… I know the deal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending pics. I just think you shouldn’t have your face in the pic, and I think that it’s rude to ask me to send you pics if I haven’t indicated that I’m into you in that way. I’ve had guys ask me for pics repeatedly beginning as early as the third day of us talking. It makes no sense. When will men learn? 9/10 times, we’ll dish out photos when we feel like it… not when you ask.
2. Texting etiquette. I have none. Let me put that out there now. I will ignore all of your texts. I’ll tweet while I ignore all of your texts. It’s not personal. I just usually have five things going at once, and can’t focus. With that being said, I’m not a text Nazi. I won’t have a fit if you don’t reply immediately, or at all. I’ll assume you saw the text, read it, and didn’t feel the need to reply. It’s just a TEXT! Please refrain from attacking my text inbox asking why I’m not replying. See also: Don’t text me too much! If we’re having a conversation via text, then it’s obviously alright. However, if we just went on a date, don’t text me right after I walk away. If I say goodnight to you, don’t text me an hour later to ask me if I’m asleep yet, then again an hour later to say, “I guess you’re asleep… talk to you later.” It makes you look crazy. I respect people’s space, so if I text you, and you don’t reply… I won’t take it personal. If I text you at least three times, and you don’t reply… I still won’t attack you. I’ll simply respect your space, and wait for you to speak when you’re ready.
3. Mindreading. Here’s something I have no knowledge of, or experience with. I wish people stopped expecting me to do it. How many times do we have to drill the term “communication is key” into people’s minds before they understand? Speak up! No one will know what you’re thinking or feeling if you keep it to yourself. This applies to before, during, and after the entire dating process. If you don’t tell someone you like them, how can they know? I understand you want people to chase you and everything, but there’s always going to be someone there who speaks up, so lose your chance if you want to. You have to tell people what you’re thinking and feeling. There’s no way around it, and you’ll find yourself alone until you accept it.
4. Just sex. It’s not the end of the world. Some people just need sex. It’s not illegal. It shouldn’t be frowned upon. Not everyone is looking for a relationship. Not everyone is willing to open up about this, either. Men are repeat offenders when it comes to this, and I’m not being unfair. I think women are usually pretty up front about wanting to date, but guys on the other hand have a nasty habit of pretending they want relationships in order to get sex.. instead of being honest about their intentions. I’ve said this before on Twitter, but I’ll say it again here: There are women out there who want just sex, and they’re missing out on guys who want the same because the idiots are busy playing games with women who actually want relationships. I’ll never understand. I really think a lot of money on dates, and a lot of heartache would be spared if everyone was up front.
5. Social Networks. People go on and on about the many ways in which social networks destroy relationships. I was just with someone for almost four years, both of us had accounts on social networks, and nothing happened. I think it’s about how seriously you take everything that’s said on these networks, and about the trust and respect in your relationship. Checking your boyfriend’s Twitter every hour isn’t a problem because he’s on Twitter. You’d check his phone every hour if you could, and you probably do. Your girlfriend talking to dudes on Facebook isn’t a problem. Her doing it at all is the issue. Take the social networks out of the equation and realize that there’s a problem there, whether you’re logged in or not.

I had to stop this list at five because  I could go on forever about this. Feel free to drop your peeves in the comments, though!

The day he left me, I threw up in the cab on my way home. I was sick for days. Barely ate. Cried every time I thought about him. Yesterday I deleted his pics from my phone, at least. I changed my relationship status to “Single” on Facebook, finally. Things I didn’t see myself doing a month little over a month ago. I have this necklace he got me last Valentine’s day, and I haven’t decided what I want to do with it, yet. I made him promises that we’d stay friends, but every day he becomes less important to me, and my obsession with my own happiness grows stronger.

I’m free, guys. I’m really free. I didn’t know deeply I was imprisoned until he let me go. I feel brand new. I wake up in a good mood. I socialize. I’m not afraid to approach people. I don’t live in a fucking bubble anymore.

I will always love him… But I’m glad it’s over. I can’t see myself taking this post back.

I won’t.

What I’ve been feeling now is this pressure to get my life in order. Technically, I should always have that as a goal, but I don’t honestly. I’m pretty laid back (lazy) about everything, and I feel like I should be making drastic changes to my lifestyle or I’m failing. Being newly single and being three days away from a new year will do that to you. I just don’t see the point sometimes. I really believe that I’ve been brainwashed by society and the media. Everything revolves around weight and appearance. Even if I were to hide in a crawl in space with no power for year, when I came out, the focus would still be on my appearance. I’d be told how much weight I lost. I literally feel sometimes like my life will be of less quality if I’m not thin and dolled up every day of my life. When I know good and well the focus should be inward, so that the amazing condition of my spirit and self-esteem will beam outward. This blog is destined to be all text until I do something with my self-esteem.

The fuckery.

You may ask, how do I know he judged my race? It was just a feeling. You just know. It’s not the first time it’s happened either. It’s a nightly affair for my boyfriend on his way home from work. This was simply the first time I really felt it.

Have you ever had this happen to you? I know everyone has had at least on blatantly racist moment, sadly. Please share.

I just got back from my sisters’ mother’s wake. Their mother and I didn’t have a good relationship when I was growing up because she was in her violent years, and I was a snobby little brat. However, I saw her as a stepmother figure since I was four years old. About a year ago I suppose, I found out she had cancer, which eventually spread and became terminal. She made peace with me the last few months and I love her so much for that. My last memories of her are happy ones, and I smile when I talk about her. I didn’t think I would cry, but I ended up being really impacted by her passing, and it made me think of my broken relationship with my mother. I think about how tragic it would be if I can’t even go to her wake and funeral when she dies, eventually.

There I go thinking about death again. I want to know, what are your thoughts and fears regarding death? Do you have any mourning rituals that help you cope? I know this is a heavy topic, but people should talk about it more. It’s inevitable and happens every day.

I was one of these people. I’ve wasted probably $10,000+ on school since 2008, and I wish I could have it all back. When I graduated high school, college was without a doubt the next stop for me. After barely making it out of high school, my choices were pretty slim. I went with a community college close to home and after two semesters there, I was ready to quit. I wasn’t learning anything at all. I had classes where professors asked me to buy textbooks adding up to $300, only to never use the book once. Teachers were frequently absent, but were never hesitant to lower my grade should I miss a day. I’m not saying that missing school is okay as long as your teachers are absent often, too. What I’m saying is that learning is a team effort, and if my professor can’t make the effort to be present and teach me, why should I be expected to come learn? Eventually, I began to think it was the school. So, I transferred to another community college. That’s when I realized, it was me.

The last school I attended was bursting at the seams with resources. There were clubs, tutoring sessions, and computers everywhere. Granted there was a long commute, but it was satisfactory for a two year school. I started off the semester strong, pulling exceptional test scores, and studying until I fell asleep each night. Slowly but surely I started to stop going to class. I let my work pile up and eventually, I stopped going altogether. This however was the first time I ever sat down and accepted that maybe, school really wasn’t for me. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t have an issue with waking up early, I still do every day. I also don’t have a problem with travelling. I just didn’t feel like my destination was worth it, and one should not feel that way about something they’re paying for. To base my future on something I had no passion for didn’t sit well with me. So I stopped going.

I’m not ignorant. I know that “making it” is very hard without a degree, but I also know that people who have degrees aren’t promised a job when it’s all said and done. In fact, I’m surrounded by college grads who work in retail jobs they’re overqualified for. They spent all of their money, will probably be in debt for the next decade or two, and don’t even work in the field they studied. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be satisfied with that.

My advice is not for everyone to drop out of college. I think that the people who truly want to be there, made the decision for themselves, and are really learning are the ones who will make great strides with their degrees. Those who are simply in school because they feel like they’re “supposed to” be, or because their parents insisted will soon find that they’re wasting their time and money. Majoring in things because they “make money” won’t make you any money unless you’re truly invested in what you’re studying. It’s important to love whatever it is you do, and to accept that society’s standards are not guaranteed to work for you. It’s no secret that some of the most influential people in history didn’t attend college. There truly are other ways to “make it.”

So if you’re reading this, and you’re in school and you’re having a hard time, reevaluate your situation. If you can honestly say you’re in school because you want to be there and not because you “should” be, or because others encouraged you to go, then you’re probably just stressed. However, if you know good and well you hate being in school, you don’t have any interest or passion for your major, and you feel depressed just thinking about school, you need to take time off from school. I stand firmly by that.