Kevin Costner is the last person I thought would provide me with a useful mantra, but ‘build it and they will come’ are the words I have hung onto for the last few months.

They have stayed with me as I have been remembering and researching and creating emBODYment. They have been my touchstone as I spent almost six months in the evening’s and weekends writing the Coaching Journal (which Jo has made all gorgeous). And I’ve found myself repeating them over the last few weeks, as my blueprint plan suddenly became a real building.

When I sat with the realisation that actually making 50 places available was way too many and what was I thinking?! I wrote a reminder in my journal, that the perfect number would feel the pull and it wasn’t my job to worry about that. I just had to put my energy into creating something useful. Something that would bring to life my heart-felt belief that when we make peace with our bodies, a bucket-load of energy is available for us to fulfil our true purpose on this here planet.

So I’ve been learning my trades: how to phaff about with .pdfs without mashing them up completely, how to put together video’s (wow I talk with my hands A LOT), and recordings of guided meditations I have written (confession: it took my many many takes to record this weeks as I kept starting to cry at one specific point – I think this is a good sign).

And now its ready.

Today is the first day of the course and I am unapologetically teary-eyed grateful and fist-pump excited to see this group of 25 women gather together.

I am so proud of this work: it really is my heart and soul translated into zero’s and one’s.

Today would have been Mum’s 64th birthday, she died almost 11 years ago and set me on this path of waking up to my life. I always had in mind that emBODYment would be something I could send out into the world with her on my shoulder.

And my word for this year is Expand and right now I feel as expansive as the miles of dreamy yellow fields in Wiltshire.

Anna Guest-Jelley is the founder of Curvy Yoga – a training & inspiration portal for curvy and body lovin’ yoga students and teachers. A writer, teacher and lifelong champion of women’s empowerment and body acceptance, Anna encourages women of every size, age and ability to grab life by the curves, and never let go. Awesome, non?

I just love what Anna puts into the world – check out her fabulous MATifesto for a taste. She truly lives what she gives and is creating a beautiful global yogini movement.

Anna has a wealth of Curvy Yoga programs, classes & certification courses online, at CurvyYoga.com - check it!

history

When were you happiest? I actually think I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. I was going to choose my wedding day because that was such a sweet moment, but I’m sad to say that I spent much of the day inwardly obsessing about how my belly looked in my dress that I didn’t enjoy it as fully as I would have liked.
What was the most important thing that happened to you as a child?I was a fairly sick kid. In addition to colds and strep throat and whatnot, I had a bout with chronic stomach pain in middle school. Then during my Junior year in high school, I had a year of chronic migraines. My life really changed that year. For a long time I thought it was for the worst, but in retrospect, I’m grateful for the lessons pain has brought me. It was those very migraines that eventually led me to yoga – which unlocked an entire world for me: the world of connection with myself and my body.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why? The younger version of me. I ignored many of the messages she was trying to send me loud-and-clear – sometimes for years.
What song best explains the soundtrack to your teenage life? I’m Sensitive, Jewel

heart

What does love feel like? An exhale with my face to the sun, while sitting at the beach with my feet in the ocean.
What is the dumbest thing you have done in the name of love? Lied to myself.
What three qualities must/does your life partner possess? My partner is kind above all, willing to grow together and oh so supportive. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What is your favourite love song? Sail Away, David Gray

life

What is your secret job title? Catalyst.
What trait do you deplore in others? Condescension.
What is your greatest life lesson (so far)? External to internal – the more I listen to and trust myself, the better everything goes.
What song would you like played at your funeral? Naked As We Came, Iron and Wine

home

What is your most treasured possession? I wear my jewelry like a talisman – mala bead bracelets, a lotus necklace from my bestie, my wedding rings.
What is your favourite daily ritual? Snoozle (snooze + snuggle before getting out of the bed in the morning).
Who are the five people you would love to host at afternoon tea? My sister and four of my besties. We’d never stop talking!
What song feels like home? Simply Irresistible, Robert Palmer

body

How do you take care of your body? By listening to what it actually wants, rather than telling it what it should have/do/be.
What has your body taught you? That I am here – in this moment – and that that’s enough.
If reincarnation is a thing, what body do you want to possess in your next life? This one, but I want to start loving it way sooner. Of course, the odds I’d get to be a human again so soon are probably pretty slim, so my back-up choice is a sparrow.
What song never fails to make you feel un-freakin-stoppable? Vogue, Madonna

soul

What feeds your soul? Sunshine, Spring, driving with the windows down, tea with a girlfriend and nowhere to go afterwards, reading in bed, luxurious yoga practices, snuggling with my pups, holding hands with my hubby at the grocery.
What do people thank you for? Telling my truth and letting people know they’re not alone.
If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would you like it to be? Choosing openness, when I could have so easily gone the other way.
What song feels like it was written about you? Anna Begins, Counting Crows

It was our second attempt at Christmas in Prague.

The previous year, Mum had died suddenly and so instead of the Charles Bridge and Wenceslas Square with lovely friends (waves madly at the Rata clan), we had flown home to New Zealand for a bewildered blur of jetlag and grief.

And perhaps it was a stoic determination to have our wintery Christmas, or just a complete lack of imagination, but the day before Christmas Eve 2003 I was Prague-bound with ex-husband.

{branches off to provide contextual information}

In early December, I had heard of a miracle pill that sped up weight-loss by a whopping 30%. The Orlistat informerical was mesmerising: THEY ALL LOOKED SO HAPPY. These people had gone from looking sad and lumpy and wearing grey trackies, to playing beach volleyball and horse-riding in white skinny jeans!

Proper Science explained how fat was eliminated via one’s bowel movements. Woop! 2004 would be The Year that I would take hold of my body and sort it out once and for all. And this was the miracle answer I was waiting for.

I could literally shit myself thin.

The list of possible side affects was long, gross and scary so I threw that page away, and proceeded with the recommended dose. After two days, I had not lost any weight. So I added an additional half tablet.

A week later, on the afternoon we flew to Prague I was taking double the dose.

{and we’re back}

We spent the morning of Christmas Eve wandering around the Christmas markets. It was snowy and freezing -17° C. After a few hours outside, I thought I would never be warm again. And I had awful stomach cramps – clearly the previous evenings ‘Yay We’re Here’ goulash was a little too much.

Then the gurgling started. And the cold sweats. I had this horrible sense that something bad was going to happen. And soon. Through layers of pants, thermals and jeans, my issue appeared to be a largely ‘wind-based’ but I knew this was a temporary situation. If you have ever been in a non-English speaking country with a sudden and desperate urge for a loo, you’ll know the utter relief of catching sight of those golden arches, and the prospect of a McWee.

Lets just say my McPooh was epic.

{digression for further context}

My travelling companion’s interests included 5am workouts six days a week, and a diet of egg whites, rice, and tuna (I know, dear reader, I know). This holiday was his annual opportunity to eat like a normal person. He was fully up for much Czech beer and Utopenci (spicy pork sausage).

And so I felt I could not reveal to him, the precise details of what was happening in my little world.

Also: the Shame.

{back again}

I cleaned myself up in the McLoo as best I could and suggested that we have an afternoon of wandering on our own so I wouldn’t bore him with traipsing around second-hand bookshops. I then went straight back to the Hotel and ran a hot bath. I had three hours to wash and dry the one pair of jeans in the universe that fit me, before meeting him later.

Unfortunately, the McPooh proved to be, just the tip of the proverbial pooh iceberg.

A weeks worth of miracle pills had finally taken hold of my large intestine and were now fully absorbed in wringing the life out of it. This lasted for the best part of two days. I eventually found an anti-pooh antidote at an English speaking pharmacist, for whom I still pray. By Boxing Day the Fear of Sudden Onset Shart was much reduced.

And to think I almost missed out. Because Prague was magical: the Castle, the mad Astronomical Clock, the ceramics – the city is incredible and all completely unlike anything I have ever seen.

We spent hours wandering around the Jewish quarter, through the cemetery and stunning memorial to the Czech’s who were murdered in WWII (the name of every person is carved into the marble walls).

I remember the  higgledy-piggeldy gravestones, poking out of the snow like an unfortunate set of teeth; the sadness and the stillness in the frozen air.

~

ps: enrolment for emBODYment close midnight Sunday. There is such a gorgeous kind, supportive group gathering, and there are still places available – is one meant for you?

This is the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my adult life, and its the most settled I have ever felt. Its also the first time I have loved every single room in my home. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of books we have and the lack of storage space irritates both of us. So if we could expand the kitchen and the living room and knock out some walls, add another bedroom and have room in our office for two desks, this would be my dream home. Also: extra loo and double the garden size so our Future Pooch will have loads of room. And not be in the middle of the city, paying extortionate rent :)

Okay, yeah we need to move!

Former monk and psychologist Thomas Moore said that every choice we make in the material world, no matter how small, reflects the condition of our inner lives. Our living space is a metaphor for whats going on inside us: small and cramped or large and spacious; smelling like onions or old books; the color of the walls, the annoying neighbours or the neighbours that live five miles away, the chair you hate but can’t seem to throw out – when you talk about your home, you are talking about your life.

Try this: in your journal (or the comments below) describe your favourite space in your home – what do you love about it and why? And then describe your least favourite spot – the space that gives you an ‘icky’ feeling: this might be The Cupboard That Must Never Be Opened, or the grotty bathroom, the lack of windows or low ceilings.

Now read back over your description and substitue your name for the spaces in your home. This will produce a metaphorical description of whats going on with you. ‘I love the size of the garden, I can grow things here’, ‘We have a ridiculously large tv and yet there is no room for me to be creative’, ‘Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all of the kids toys’, ‘Its never as tidy as I want, and I don’t get any help with that’ – all intriguing little morsels of information!

What insight does your home give you about your inner world? 

one fork and two spoons, what I bent with my woo woo 

If you’d said to me a year ago, that this would be how I would spend the first weekend of May 2013, my response may well have involved one of my super-sexy snorty laughs.

Our tribe of Martha Beck coaching cadets descended on a stretch of Californian coastline, to hang out and talk shop. And manipulating stainless steel objects was the least magical thing that happened. We spent less than three days (or was it several lifetimes?) together and as my wise virago pal Jo has been known to say: ‘new shit has come to light’.

Looking over my laptop screen right now,  all I can see is the Pacific ocean. I wonder what magic might be rolling onto my shore in the seconds, hours, decades ahead? I am just going to sit here and watch the waves. And maybe bend some more spoons.

Tonight I travel around the world, which is forward in time, to get back home to the newness.

Yeah, that.

~

Be helpless, dumbfounded,
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up.

We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we’re lying.
If we say No, we don’t see it,
That No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit.

So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness    ~ Rumi

One night in Summer 2006, I found a blog called Ink on My Fingers. This English bird called Susannah had written about the apathy of grief – how we go through a stage of wondering what the point to anything is. I had just written those words in my journal and so I was intrigued by this writer who lived by the sea and seemed to know my heart.

Since then I have read every one of Sus’ posts. She has become my confidant, my buddy, my soul-sister. I love her gallows humour and open heart. She keeps me real. I just adore what she puts out into the world (you’ve read her beautiful memoir right?). Today we are doing swapsies and the soundtrack to my life is over at Sus’ place – while you are over there…

Check out Susannah’s gorgeous e-course – Blogging from the Heart – registrations are open!

history

When were you happiest? Any time I am with my nephew, Noah, is pure unadulterated happiness for me. This means I have been happy for the last three years. I can’t remember happiness before he came along.
What was the most important thing that happened to you as a child? My parents’ divorce when I was 11 is the most significant thing that happened, which made it the most important. It was the right decision for both of them, but sadly there were decisions made after that that weren’t so good for me and my sister.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why? I’d like to apologise to our old dog, Sadie, for not taking her out for as many walks as she deserved. I was a fairly screwed up self-involved teen (see above) so dog-walking was not high on my list of priorities. I still feel bad about that now and dream about her often.
What song best explains the soundtrack to your teenage life? These don’t explain – they ARE the soundtrack to my teenage: Lucky Star by Madonna, Back to Life by Soul II Soul, The Reflex by Duran Duran and Temptation by Heaven 17

heart

What does love feel like? It feels like my heart going supernova.
What is the dumbest thing you have done in the name of love? Ha! I think a more appropriate question would be what haven’t I done? I’ve done some pretty stupid things.
What three qualities must/does your life partner possess? He’s really grounded in himself. He makes me laugh and his optimism diffuses my tendency towards pessimism. He’s passionate about the things that really matter to him — his work, his friends & family, and me.
What is your favourite love song? Bloom by The Paper Kites

life

What is your secret job title? The bean spiller.
What trait do you deplore in others? Arrogance and ignorance.
What is your greatest life lesson (so far)? That I really can survive anything, even the death of someone I loved with all my heart.
What song would you like played at your funeral? The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson (and just to cheer everyone up: Death Came and Got Me by Rosie Thomas)

home

What is your most treasured possession? My journals. I started writing a diary at 11 and haven’t stopped since. They are the only things I would save in a fire (I keep them in metal trunk, just in case. It’s really heavy but I like to imagine I’ll suddenly have super-human strength and be able to chuck it out the window before the flames got them/me).
What is your favourite daily ritual? Closing my laptop, switching off all the lights in the flat and cosying into my bed with my journal and a mug of something hot.
Who are the five people you would love to host at afternoon tea? Anne Lamott so we could talk about writing, Jamie Oliver so he could cook for us, Robert Downey Jr so I could stare at his gorgeous face, Anais Nin so we could discuss journalling, and my sister, because she is my second favourite person in the whole world (after Noah, obviously). I think it would be a pretty raucous afternoon.
What song feels like home? Crazy English Summer by Faithless

body

How do you take care of your body? I don’t understand the question… ;-) I’m still trying to figure this out. I believe in eating everything in moderation. In whole foods and real butter. In plenty of sleep and lots of water. In organic facial moisturiser. I’m 40 years old and still trying to find a way to move my body that I want to do rather than feel I have to do. It’s all a work-in-progress, basically.
What has your body taught you? That it knows what it needs, I just have to listen to it.
If reincarnation is a thing, what body do you want to possess in your next life? A wily city fox.
What song never fails to make you feel un-freakin-stoppable? Good Times by Chic

soul

What feeds your soul? Journalling, taking pictures, alone time, new places to explore, flirting, magnolias, a warm spring breeze, New York City, books, the ocean and heady scents.
What do people thank you for? They thank me for my honesty. For sharing my story so they feel less alone.
If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would you like it to be? For all the books I hope to have penned by the time I pop my clogs.
What song feels like it was written about you? Big Strong Girl by Deb Talan