Satisfy This Hungriness

Lover's Mask.

2020-10-14T13:27:00.006-04:00

I wear the mask

of my lover's lover.

He gave it to me,

offhandedly, without thought.

I came to need it.

Wearing it only, at first,

when we were together.

feeding our bodies with fantasy.

Legs out running around,

his neck of the woods.

Now, I keep it close around

my own neck, for safe keeping.

I pull it on

when I go to the store,

so I can buy my grieving body

something new.

People desire to think

this is who I truly am.

What a lovely mask, what a

lovely name, you're so... sweet...

Thank you, I say.

I take it down only

with those that know me, their eyes

shouting this mask is not my skin.

How sad. I wonder how

this mask will bleed

into other parts of me? I wonder.

How long will I continue to bleed?

2020-10-08T22:32:00.000-04:00

Put your hand to your heart.

Is it still beating?

Good.

Then, I still love you.

before.

2020-09-28T22:31:00.003-04:00

before I scream,

I gag my mouth.

before I run,

I bind my feet.

before I love,

I find a man like you.

autumn.

2020-09-22T22:26:00.009-04:00

but wait!

it is Autumn.

time for breakthrough beauty

shining

from the sky,

from the trees with their gold and

soft lick of orange.

then suddenly

shocking, startling red.

you had better stop

your car.

when else will you get

to devour

such startling, shocking red as this?

draped lovingly across

the branches

of a noble beauty, who

doesn't need your attention,

but deserves it.

2020-09-22T20:32:00.021-04:00

I climb a thousand stairs,

just

to lose my breath.

nothing at the top.

three walls, the buzz

of fluorescent light,

say to me,

"there's nothing here...

this. a waste of time."

No, I reply,

I know better.

each step

kissed my feet

with grace.

I am breathless...and alive.

2020-09-17T12:00:00.006-04:00

"Do you believe in past lives?"

I ask, knowing... "I don't," he says with finality.

"I do. Because of you.

Not just because of you, of course.

But certainly, again....because of you."

We silently agree to the difference over our breakfast of eggs and sausage in this very American diner. Not only to the difference, but to love each other for the very fact of those differences. One day, they will likely be our undoing. But today, we choose to love each other again. Today, for me, there is only you, which is certainly better than not you. We eat our greasy spoon breakfasts and smile.

eternity.

2020-09-14T22:06:00.004-04:00

blackbird at the windowpane,
looking in, sees himself,
then me. rain falls;

how his feathers shine!
cocks his head to one side.
one brief moment.

looks into my soul.
flies away.
just a moment. and eternity.

silencing crickets

2020-09-08T20:16:00.006-04:00

crickets catch my ears,

trying hard to take over,

though they become background.

breath flows in, then out.

slow, so as not to disturb

a heart so tender.

prying fingers, trying to let

go which you wish to keep.

silencing crickets.

missing.

2020-09-05T21:19:00.009-04:00

I might be staying

sad to keep you close to me.

your body gone missing,

I need something

to replace skin, hands, scent.

luckily, sadness does the trick.

it keeps me

in bed...

where I would be with you.

but I am there. with you.

even though your body breathes

four hundred and five miles away.

But who's counting?

perception

2020-09-03T13:16:00.014-04:00

You think I am ugly.

Little it is,

you know of beauty.

I hardly deign

to cast my eyes upon you

until you come upon me, then...

These wings widen,

kiss the currents,

and feel the love in return.

Azure, that's blue, for you

who gaze upon it with longing,

caresses my body daily...

I soar and touch

the infinite. What is it

that you touch?

What do you feel?

What see?

My ugliness, you say?

Red as blood,

brown as earth,

some light for wholeness, I am

beyond what I am.

I am symbol of death and

eat death for life.

Pass it through my guts

as I unfold and

worship the sun.

Tiny droplets of water

that never fell

drying in its rays.

ripples

2020-08-27T22:26:00.015-04:00

I want to write

of a gentle breeze

and sunlight reflecting

on rippling water.

instead...

all I write is you.

your body

walks languidly out of

my blank spaces.

my eyes,

reflect the memory

of your flame.

the moment

you lost control,

kissing me with your breath,

instead of your brain.

your hands grasping

at my possibility.

I feel that still.

it was only a moment.

I bathe in it's ripples.

where the light gets in...

2020-08-25T20:04:00.014-04:00

Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;

The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.

O my brother, staying in a cold dark place

And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain

is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!

The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;

Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.

Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,

Hunt for for the life that springs from the death of yourself."

~ Jalal ud-Din Rumi

I 100% believe the above quote. For those of you who read my writing, you may have been able to tell that I have been in a place of some suffering (some joy) for a little bit of time now.

I am, in fact, going through a divorce, raising two tiny human beings, getting my masters online, teaching yoga, learning how to date, reconnecting with parts of myself that I have ignored, reexamining what I am going to do with my entire life...and experiencing a very transformational and soul excavating time of my life.

I have had my fair share of ups and downs since our separation, as I'm sure has my husband/ex-husband to be. Gratefully, we will remain friends. We will co-parent and love our children together. These two facts help me get through the fact that, even though I know it is the right decision for us, the dream of our life together died.

He is a good man. I am a good woman. And, despite our uncoupling, I see our marriage as a victory. Because we learned so many lessons. And we truly loved each other. And we created two beautiful and amazing children. That is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that we can hold onto our friendship through the divorce process and afterwards. I believe that we can.

For anyone going through hard times...may you walk through the fire, babe. The fire is the thing that blesses us. Dig into the ability to be courageous in the face of fear. Have the courage to go after what you want. Own the power of vulnerability, of showing up openhearted, even when you don't know what will happen. The power of love is everything. That's not sentimental bullshit. That's the real deal. The power of love is worth all of it. Honor your boundaries, too. Just because you love doesn't mean you accept the things that are not right for you. May we find all of these things and let them wash over our lives. May we find grace, community, laughter and love through, and on the other side of heartbreak.

There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. ~ Leonard Cohen

sand.

2020-08-23T12:49:00.007-04:00

the sand is fine, beautiful...
an uncomfortable yet delightful world

exists right here,

within my hand.

that hand wants to squeeze,
to grasp the sand...

hold it forever.
my mind feels
the need to release.
so I practice.
palm wide and flat
like a runway for a jetliner,
or a seashell in which

sits a pure and precious pearl.
some of the grains
pick up with the wind
and leave quietly,
on their own.
some, more attached,
require the wind from my lungs,
who live next to my heart
and don't want to choose sides.
against their will,
they blow.
finally, the last specks,
some shiny, some dull,
almost embedded in my sun shocked skin,
feel the cold assault
of the briny water
and understand they too,
must leave me.

I know, somewhere,

certain small grains

have hidden

within my hair,

or the lining of my suit...

places I cannot see

but will feel

at some point I least expect it.

let it be so.

my name means peace.

2020-08-22T16:55:00.020-04:00

how fast life moves.

like the second hand

on your beautiful watch.

on your beautiful wrist.

watch it go...

or look away...

either way, it moves.

and yet, right now, how still.

so much knowing

in stillness.

why we flail about,

fish out of water.

not to see,

not to hear,

not to feel,

not to know.

the heart cries out

to know... light the flame,

warm the water.

though not easy, listen.

on the other side

of this mountain and more

may not be what we cried for.

but, pray, there will be peace.

Rest In Peace

2020-08-18T14:15:00.010-04:00

I sit and spit

out the dirt that I swallowed

when you buried me.
for her. and her. and her.

so much fucking dirt.
I dust it from my limbs,
I shake it from my hair.
stock still, staring at this gaping hole.

A hole that my fingers

clawed the edges of to be

reborn. A hole that I intend to

bury you in, darling one.

first those stiff legs

that wanted me to stretch,
that needed me to lay
my hands upon them, as if

it would save my life

for you to feel better.

I always wanted you.

wanted you to feel better.

Next your chest, because

it really didn't do much

for me anyway.

that place your heart lives

with it's central air,

so tight and guarded and

clean. polished, no evidence

allowed to reside.

next your beautiful face

because I can no longer

stand to have those broken brown

mirrors looking at me, smiling

that sad knowing smile.

looks that say
I can love you from afar
with my bow. and my arrow.

naturally your love takes cover.
you couldn't love me
like hand to hand combat.

too dirty. too bloody.

lastly, I cover up that pelvis.
the region in which lives

your most well known

attribute. yes, and it is beautiful.

that primary object

I was in relation with.
me and every other woman, girl,

and in between you held space for.

I did love that part of you.
mmm, I love it still.

maybe, before this grave is done,

just...one last hit?

and then, you will finally be
the man you wanted to be

for me. just another

faceless fuck. please. don’t take it

personal. I know you won't.

I wish I didn't.

goodbye my lover.

I'd like to believe I won't come visit.

Found

2020-08-14T22:19:00.007-04:00

I whisper your name
and understand
the language of trees.

words need not

be spoken

to be heard.

the flower need not
scream out to reach

the heart of the honeybee.

a conversation
with no sound, yet
both understanding.

no need for clocks

calendars, even speech...

for a thing to be real.

sweetest thing

2020-08-14T21:27:00.009-04:00

You remind me... (Mary said that in the 90's).

But you do remind me. Of high school. Of magical nights, football games, possibilities. Remember the days when you first learned about falling in love? And you wanted to make out with your person... all the time...but also had that sweet desire to protect them, hold them safe in a space away from all the rest? They seemed to inhabit their own planet. Really, so sweet.

You want to do all the things with them. The naked, breathless, alive things. To learn those things with them. But you also want to be at the party amongst all the people that you know, or don't, and have that moment where they grab your hand and...everything else melts away but that connection. That moment. Because what you have is special. That can't be had with just anybody. It can't.

But THAT exists.

To find that and show up for it. To keep showing up for it. To honor it and let the meaningless drop away.

One day I will find this again...I will.

And if not, I suppose I will just write about it. Create a world in black and white where I can navigate with less heartbreak.

But let's be honest. The heartbreak is worth it if you've been brave enough to truly love. Even with heartbreak, the love is always a gift.

Muscle, A Poem.

2020-08-04T19:13:00.003-04:00

Fist sized little bundle...

of muscle, valves.

Always busy,

not for show, though.

Resting between beats

but laying it down.

Like the sledgehammer

of a great big man

driving the spike

into the wooden sleeper.

Boom…boom.

Boom...boom.

Call & Response.

How is it

that this tiny bundle

of muscle,

not actually pretty,

wouldn’t stand

in front of a mirror

reapplying its lipstick,

(knowing it’s worth

is beyond the visual.

Visual pretty only touching

the hem of bliss,

pointing at it…

but not…even…close).

How is it that this

is the center of our feeling?

Of our desires?

Of our…

Love.

Rumi said lovers

are like two lamps.

Their light blending

into each other,

never separate…

never truly one.

This is as it should be.

How can it pump

blood 60,000 miles,

beat without a brain,

without a body

and still manage to

give everything in this

little world meaning.

Teeth, A Poem.

2020-08-02T09:07:00.012-04:00

clock ticks the beat.

let. go. let. go.

me, and this truth.

baby bird in the canines of a cat.

you see the legs twitch,

but… hope is gone.

alone at the dining room table,

I crouch and gnaw the bones.

why bury what you

already left in the sun to rot?

mouth full of dirt,

my love for you swallowed.

you forget your body rests here…

a welcome fire burns

within every room of my soul

and only wants to shed

it's light on you.

on the man that I honored,

that I knelt down for

like I never have.

may as well have

donned the black

with a splash of white,

I worshipped so.

and now she swings before you,

a fresh bird flying free.

as you crave to be.

your canines shine in her reflection.

I do not swing free.

damaged wings carefully folded,

I sit at this table

and long for teeth.

Silent.

2017-04-26T12:51:00.054-04:00

I've spent long days

silent like the daisy

in the field.

Quiet, I need to lie

a little longer

to see what I may yield.

All the other

pretty flowers seem to know

which way to turn.

As for me, I'm finally feeling.

Heart healing,

making my return.

These Boots Are Made For Walking.

2016-11-09T16:17:00.004-05:00

It's the day after elections and I think that even though the day started out very raw for a lot of us, we are calming down into the fact that this is reality and in true American style, we're ready to put on our boots, walk through the mud if we have to and get some shit done.

I did NOT want Donald Trump as my President. But, truth be told, I wasn't overly affectionate of Hillary. I would have gladly voted for another Republican if there was a good one. I'm not going to get into the various reasons why I didn't want Donald Trump as the person in charge of my country. The fact is, it is over and he is our President-elect.

We have the power in our daily lives to choose what matters to us. The country obviously chose Trump as a response to something deep that it felt was missing. I don't get that but the vote shows it to be true. I still have the power in my life to choose what is important to me, regardless of who the President is, and that is partly because I live in a country that allows me that liberty. If I wanted to, I COULD leave this country and move somewhere else if it came down to it. I'm not doing that (unless of course he somehow turns this country into something that I can't be a part of). What I hope is that I will just be proven wrong about the kind of President he will be and that we all come together and create a better country. Together.

If anything, this probably made all of us have a deeper conversation with others and more importantly with ourselves. What is important to you? Why? Are you showing up for that in your life? Don't wait around for it to be the perfect time/situation before you can fully show up. I have been guilty of that in my past and it's not worth it.

Put your damn boots on. Cry if you feel like it. Take a bath and light a candle, say a prayer, whisper your intention, scream, punch something, go for a run. Whatever you need. But then, put your boots on and get out there, my love. The world needs you. And honestly, you need the world, however imperfect it may be.

2016-03-08T18:18:00.005-05:00

Ever have one of those moments where you feel like you've finally shed the past that you needed to and you feel so much lighter? And now you know that you are free to go forth more brightly into the world? Return to your self to show up bigger for the world, if you will.... Yeah. It's one of those days.

Miracles upon miracles.

2015-12-21T13:05:00.004-05:00

The other day while I was walking down the street, I tripped and fell. Smashing into the pavement I suddenly became the rain water, splashing and trickling down the dirty street until I fell down into the sewer where I, somewhat confused but peaceful as water can be, continued my journey and came out eventually into a river. I felt the atmosphere suck me back up as I freely floated into the sky becoming millions of tiny water molecules.

I rose up into that angry sky which poured me back down onto the landscape and I spread over this land so wide, becoming a puddle for a gazelle to drink from, a droplet that was drunk by a tree under which a crying boy sat, the blessing that had been prayed for as the people there hadn't seen rain in months, the last drop that caused a mudslide wreaking havoc in a small town, and also the single drop that fell onto a small girls face and made her smile changing her whole way of being.

I became all of this and more and I realized that I myself am small and nothing. But I am also everything and by definition creation itself.

Miracles upon miracles.

my prayer.

2015-12-20T06:05:00.002-05:00

I say your name as prayer

daily and with conviction.

You roll over me

as water over stone.

Rounding my edges

that they may catch the light.

Completely you do this

Cleanly and without thought.

I will not.

ask... why...

Why does the rain fall?

Why does the sun shine?

Why does the caterpillar crawl?

Why is the sand fine?

These things are natural.

Beyond the land of word.

And so I pray

daily and with conviction.

Your name floating

like smoke in air

dissolving into nothingness

and yet everything.

opening.

2015-12-19T18:02:00.001-05:00

My heart bled out into the sky...

I felt so afraid. Everyone could see it.

But then... I began to feel how big it was

and how much space it easily filled up.

It turned the whole sky red with it's majesty

And comforted many with it's warmth.

I am not afraid anymore.