With Every Worthless Word

Oh, the places I'll go!

2010-04-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

I probably should have ended this blog after I got back from Germany, but since I didn't, I'lll keep it going (sporadically) until I'm finished with graduate school. :)

I just wanted to say this: I put it in writing, so I'm pretty positive it's going to happen now... MY NEXT STOP WILL BE WASHINGTON, D.C.

"Oh, the Places You'll Go!" (1990)

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own.

And you know what you know.

And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.

You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

I'm sorry to say so

But, sadly it's true

That bang-ups and hang-ups

Can happen to you.

On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike far

and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know.

You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

And remember that Life’s a great balancing act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.

Will you succeed?

Yes you will indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

in my hands... :)

2010-02-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

"While you're sitting 'round thinkin' 'bout what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things, time's flying by, moving so fast, you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back. Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand, and what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands."

starting my book of proof.

2010-02-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

About one month ago, I was on the train coming back from teaching at the Boys and Girls Club, and I noticed some books that people were reading. One of the books that a lady was reading, I couldn't see the cover of, but I saw that one page heading said "Thoughts Are Things" and the page across from it said "Thought Currents". I thought this was interesting, and I didn't have a notebook easily accessible, so I made it my status on BlackBerry Messenger. I went home later that night, and I must have Googled these phrases and discovered that Thoughts Are Things is the title of a book of some of the collected works of Prentice Mulford. After that, it seems that I went and added this book (among a few others that I had seen on the train as well) to my Amazon.com Wishlist. I had COMPLETELY forgotten about this book for the past 4 weeks, but lately I've been working really hard to use the Law of Attraction in my life. On Friday, this book, Thoughts Are Things arrived in my mailbox. Unbeknownst to me, the Law of Attraction was working in my life for the past month in order to bring me this book! Though I had COMPLETELY forgotten about all of these previous interactions with this book, a few days ago, after watching The Secret and reading a different Law of Attraction-related book, I went searching online for some good books related to the Law, and I ordered Thoughts Are Things for myself anyway. It seems like it was destined for this book to appear in my life, even when I had released myself from purposely making it appear!

CELEBRATION OF MANIFESTATION!

ABUNDANCE.

2010-02-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

"The universe is a masterpiece of abundance. ...When you open yourself up to feel the abundance of the universe, you'll experience the wonder, the joy, the bliss. You'll experience all the great things that the universe has for you."

- The Secret video

Quotes by Chuck Palahniuk

2010-01-21T16:58:00.001-08:00

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody.

Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention.

Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

"I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure. A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."

"It's funny how you never think about the women you've had.

It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget."

"Sometimes you do something, and you get screwed.

Sometimes it's the things you don't do, and you get screwed."

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves."

"Everybody here thinks the whole story is about them...

Definitely that goes for everybody in the world."

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected."

"There's always the chance you could die right in the middle of your life story."

"The first step -- especially for young people with energy and drive and talent, but not money -- the first step to controlling your world is to control your culture. To model and demonstrate the kind of world you demand to live in. To write the books. Make the music. Shoot the films. Paint the art."

"Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's busy holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're full absorbed."

and the quote that initially intrigued me...

"A minute of perfection was worth the effort.

A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection."

this song reminds me of you.

2010-01-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

"Ur So Gay"

[Verse 1]
I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You b!tch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway

You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

[CHORUS]
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

[Verse 2]
You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you
I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

[CHORUS]
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

[BRIDGE]
You walk around like you’re oh so debonair
You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me

[CHORUS]
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
Oh no no no no no no no
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like… PENIS

homework

2010-01-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

"I’m trying to follow, I’m trying to lead.

I’m trying to find what is true.

But if you’re going to stand with me,

then you have to concede

that we all have a little more homework to do."

- From the song "A Little More Homework" and a play called "13" (that I really really want to see now!!!)

my heart aches for HAITI

2010-01-13T18:07:00.001-08:00

there are so many interesting things to be found on the internet!

2010-01-12T19:01:00.001-08:00

Quotes I'm currently vibin' with...

"Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love."

- Mother Teresa

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

- Buddha

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."

- Mother Teresa

good to know!

2010-01-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

so apparently, it doesn't matter if no one reads this blog (or my other one... which is actually the one that "forces me to research my given niche" lol)! but thanks anyway for reading this. ;)

http://blog.brand-yourself.com/2010/01/12/3-secret-reasons-your-blog-does-not-need-readers/

la vie est belle.

2010-01-12T17:37:00.001-08:00

so very thankful for food, shelter, warmth, and clothing.

humbled and grateful.

Is it worth it?

2010-01-11T04:46:00.000-08:00

It's so difficult trying to maintain a friendship with someone who I could possibly learn a lot from (because she is such a challenging and abrasive person to spend my time with), but who I feel is arrogant, rude, and talks down to me on a regular basis. We have our good times, and it's fun to have someone to hang out with, but I don't want to feel to that I have to be "on guard" or always ready to come back with a witty, sarcastic comment when I hang out with my "friends." Also, I don't believe she talks to me the way she talks to everyone else. I believe you teach people how to treat you, and perhaps I made my mistake there. I am a genuinely nice, laid-back person who sincerely cares about the well-being of my friends and loved-ones. Perhaps she sees weakness in that and saw room to attack. My question is: Is it worth it to try to maintain a friendship with someone who is so different from you? Several months ago, I for sure would have said no. I am trying to learn how to still appreciate people in my life who are very different from me now, but I think the problem is that we are not friends who truly LOVE each other. Sure she has said it to me, but it's not real. Because if it were real, and I told her that her actions were hurting me, she would apologize for her actions and seek to change them so that our friendship could continue. (I recognize that this point is debatable.) So, with her, for the time being, is it worth it to continue this friendship? I'd have to say no. We don't understand each other and probably never will. But most importantly, she doesn't respect me. And THAT, I just can't have.

"what was i thinking?"

2010-01-04T19:11:00.000-08:00

"I think 'What was I thinking?' is the first question a person who starts to examine themselves asks themselves, because up until that point, life is a series of random events. And life is just what happens to you. And then one day you wake up and you go: 'No actually, I have control over my destiny. Actually, things do happen for a reason. Actually, there is order in the universe.' And when you start tuning in to that frequency, you do have a tendency to look back and go, 'My God, what was I thinking?' And that's a healthy response."

- Madonna, on Britney: For the Record

Beauty, Love, and Truth.

2010-01-04T06:40:00.000-08:00

I was lonely during a lot of my time in Germany, and I would fantasize how great it would be to be able to join a sisterhood over there--a sorority of American women who may have experienced some of the same feelings as me while they were living and working abroad. I went to the meetings/ events of two different sororities while I was in Germany. Both sororities were American-founded, and their members consisted of military wives and daughters. One of the sororities that I looked most closely into joining while I was abroad is Beta Sigma Phi. The only reason I didn't join the chapter that I visited over there is because by the time I became very interested in becoming involved, I would have only had time to go through the pledge process and leave. And, it turned out that I didn't spend my summer in Germany as planned. So anyway, here is one of my favorite quotes from one of the rituals of this sorority. :)

(PS: I know that most sororities have secret rituals and practices, but I found this quote and more published online, from a link from the national BSP website, in a PDF document.)

"The sum of all these colors shall be Beauty. With them we shall paint loveliness on the canvas of life. And the sum of these rays shall be light, that perfect luminosity, effulgent Beauty, Love, and Truth."

- Beta Sigma Phi, Ritual of Jewels

don't seek love.

2010-01-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

- Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi

How to Love Yourself

2009-12-31T23:24:00.000-08:00

"Here are some thoughts to get you started.

1) You are the most important person in your life. Act that way. Treat yourself with respect and caring.

2) Lose the guilt.

3) Invest in your physical health. Try to exercise on a regular basis, cut back or eliminate unhealthy behaviors. Feel good from the inside out.

4) Let go of the toxic, negative people in your life. Now!!

5) Embrace your worthiness. What has been done to you does not define who you are.

6) Forgive yourself first. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, but it really is okay to let things go. Some folks hold onto to pain, because they don't want to be hurt again and it doesn't help.

7) Keep your heart open. Search for and acknowledge good people, joyful experiences and positivity by staying in the moment, being self- aware and always being thankful.

Life is complicated. Our attitudes and level of self-worth does not have to be.

Focus on what's good within you. Love is there in full abundance."

SOURCE: http://blogs.essence.com/realtalk/2009/12/how-to-love-yourself-in-seven-easy-steps.html

New Year Resolutions!

2009-12-31T12:01:00.001-08:00

I'm so excited for the New Year! I'm not really one to go around making resolutions, but at this time in my life, I know a lot of amazing things will be happening next year, and I'd like to continue pushing myself and pushing myself even harder! So I guess with that frame of mind, I do have a FEW "resolutions" I'd like to make...

1) Start to learn Spanish

Go here: http://www.studyspanish.com
We have free language classes at my university, and there are generally several date/time options for beginning level courses, so I should really be able to find one that fits into my schedule.
I would really like to at least know some basics before spending my spring break in the Dominican Republic, where I will be working with kids at an orphanage! And also traveling with a group of (some) Spanish-speaking people!
Okay, although I personally believe FRENCH is the language of love... Lots of people think Spanish is sexy, and it would be nice to try out this new tongue on some Spanish-speaking hotties! Aahaha.
I'm planning on applying for some teaching fellowships that would allow me to work at schools in the inner-city, with predominantly black and Hispanic youth, and it's good to know Spanish for stuff like that. :)

2) Get experience teaching dance

I don't really know when or how, but I really need to do this either this semester or this summer. I'll have a masters in Dance Education in less than a year from now (sooo trippy!), and I need to gain some real-world experience before leaving my program!

3) Start exercising more...

SUCH a typical one, and I honestly hate to even put it down, but I really do feel better about my body when I take the time to condition it every once in a while. My ballet class here every day isn't really doing it for me, and since I don't want to spend the time or funds taking more dance classes (e.g., jazz or hip hop, which would for sure really work me), I just want to start using my 5 lb. weights and yoga mat and curling and crunching like nobody's business!

4) Work on loving myself

I just really want to discover what this concept truly means... Whether it's finding activities that I do simply because they give me JOY, or if it means loving myself enough to be on time for class every day so that I don't feel like a failure from jump each morning, or not questioning my intelligence, beauty, kindness, or strength of spirit based on someone else's opinions of me... I just want to explore the idea of SELF-LOVE and start giving it to me!

5) Start taking a yoga class regularly/ Spend time meditating

Conveniently, there is a yoga studio opening up right near my campus in a few days, and classes are only $5 for students, and I can buy a class card for like $45 per month! Which is PERFECT because with my new job as a CAMPUS TOUR GUIDE (*big smile*), I will be making an extra $80 per month! Which obviously isn't a lot of money, but it's great for extra little things like this!!! Since most adult drop-in dance classes in NYC range from $16 to $20 PER class, it's much more economical for me to do yoga. And an additional benefit is that it will allow me to focus more on my internal self/ meditation, which is another thing I'd like to do more of in the new year.

6) Get certified to teach yoga

Okay, so this one COULD be a stretch, and it might be much more likely that I would be able to do this in the spring semester of 2011, right after I finish my masters program here, but... I want to put it out there anyway, so that I can remember that I want to do it either in 2010 or immediately following!
I'm not totally "into" yoga at the present time, and I honestly haven't taken a class since high school, but it's something that I think would be really good for me, would help me to feel more confident in my dancing abilities because it will probably increase my flexibility and strength.
It's a skill (certification) that I think is worth investing in because I feel like the training wouldn't be more than a semester or summer, and so many camps want yoga classes regularly. So it could possibly increase my hire-ability (is this the word I'm thinking of?) in terms of the types of jobs that I want, and I like that it's also related to dance in a sort of "dance therapy" sort of way. Also, it might increase my interested in the dance therapy field. :)
BUT, this one will just sort of KIND of be on my list... Because, again, it might not happen until 2011, aaaand I really just need to see how my regular yoga classes go this semester.

7) Love more people

I need to further explore what this idea means too, along with the idea of self-love, but I've just been so very inspired by positive experiences I have been having with my New [York] friends, and I just LOVE the way they give love and expect love in return.
There's a quote (I feel like it's from Harriet the Spy or something... but I could be wrong...) that says something like "I want to know more, so that I can love more" or something like that... and that's how I feel about people. I want to try harder to really get to know certain people (I'm still going to be a bit selective because I don't think that EVERYONE is worth getting to know on a deep level like that...) in a special way and just really work at making the most of my relationships with the people I value, including my new friends, old friends, and my family (like my Grandma... sidenote: I feel like living on my own has given me a new sense of empathy for her...)

8) Call people more

I always say I'm gonna "work on this," but I never really do. But I'd like to start calling people who I NEVER call but who are REALLY important to me at least... once a month, I'd say. Ideally I would say every week, but I guess that's a lot when we're all growing into adults and have our own lives and weekly schedule, which probably doesn't often include sitting around waiting for childhood friends to ring! But I think calling all of my old friends at least once per month is very reasonable! (And by "old friends" I don't mean randoms like people who I barely know on Facebook or anything. I mean people I've known for like 5 or more years, who I don't call as much as I should and with whom I usually rely on social networking or texting for communication.)

9) LEARN TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT

Okay, so this is a HUGE one for me, and I'm honestly not even sure if it's possible for me to develop this skill (?) in just a year, but it's something I want to really just FOCUS on AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! In the words of a new friend, I want to "just be present."

10) MAYBE, juuuust maybe... Figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life!!!

Ahaha. Okay, this is my last one, so it had to be good. But yeah, I'm finishing up my masters degree in December of 2010. And as of right now, I don't really have a life plan. I have IDEAS of what I want to do... but none of them (besides having my own dance school or some sort of amazing arts program) are really MUST HAVES.
I know I'd really like to have a family within the next 10 years, so I guess I could put "start seriously dating" in this same category ahaha... But we'll see what life brings, I suppose.

Bonne année!

Glückliches Neujahr!

¡Próspero año nuevo!

...and LOVE LOVE LOVE!

MUAH. <3

loving me...?

2009-12-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

Do you ever go to sleep feeling pretty crappy and NOT feel better right when you wake up, like everyone says you will? Well that happens to me pretty often. I guess maybe it's a part of my "juvenile" thinking, that some things should just instantly change, miraculously, over night. Like, midnight strikes and the tears magically dry up and your eyes are no longer puffy, and you

are free to walk to halls of high school feeling glamorous as always. Thank goodness for Visine

and ice packs, I suppose. And now... being an adult in New York, it's all about the sun glasses. I learned during my year abroad in Germany that you never know when you're going to have an emotional break down (sorry to the feminists and feminist-in-me to be a case in support of the argument that women are sometimes irrational creatures who can't control their feelings). The sun glasses allow you to still get stuff done throughout the day, head held high, protected from eyes that might judge you if they knew you were crying. That's what I think about them

anyway... which is why I will almost always have my 5 Euro pair of sun glasses that I bought in Brussels, Belgium in my purse at any day light hour. If I don't, I'm not prepared for my day.

But anyway, I haven't been crying. This blog is not even about tears. Feelings? Yes. So here we go.

I feel that I've been trying to learn how to love myself for a long time. I don't, in any way, feel that I was deprived of love as a child. I've always had nurturing adults around me who spent

time with me, supported my activities, and pretty much saw to it that I always had access to my every heart's desire. Seriously. But somewhere along the way, I think I accidentally started

hating myself. Maybe it started with puberty? The zits? Or, more-so I think, it started when I started dating. I suddenly found myself (normally a strong and independent bratty child... almost to the point of being vain and uncaring of others' feelings) desperately seeking the

attention of guys. Not all guys, but the guys I was dating. Even though they were just childhood relationships, and I feel that I have yet to have a real adult relationship, I feel that many of my previous dating experiences caused me to begin developing negative self-esteem issues. Now, this isn't to say that I'm eternally screwed up or anything now because of my high school

boyfriends. Just that, I think that may have been where it started. I think it's good to recognize a point of initiation sometimes, not to dwell of course, but so that we can be aware then move on.

When I was about 16 years old, I had my first internet domain. I somehow figured out how to manage it, upload different designs I created through an File Transfer Protocol thing I installed on my computer... I am honestly amazed sometimes when I look back that I was able to do so much without any help books or instruction manuals. I simply knew what I wanted my site to look like, and I would play with it until it satisfied me. Actually, I know that part of the reason I was inspired to buy my own domain is that I had asked a few people to host me, and they refused. So I just decided I would have a domain myself. (Interesting... This may be what I'll

have to do with the whole dance school thing... Can't get a job teaching dance, so I'll probably just start my own school without much experience. No biggie. Most brilliant, amazing, talented, successful entrepreneurs have little to no idea of what they're doing when they first start out. This is something I totally believe in.) So anyway, my domain was named loving-me.net. And I was 16. And already seeking to find a way to love myself and express that love for myself through my work and my writing. So now it's six years later, and it seems like I'm at it again.

"Self-love cannot flourish in isolation" (bell hooks, in All About Love), so I'm really very

grateful that I have some new friends who I know are going to help me grow in amazing ways during my time in New York. I've only known one of them since last month, and already we are challenging and supporting each other in incredible ways. With their help, inspired by books I have been recently reading, and with all of the time I have had to sit alone in my room thus far over break and reflect on my life and the end of this decade, I have come to the realization that

what I need to currently focus on in my life is actively loving myself. I'm not sure how exactly I plan on doing this. ... I'm thinking I'm going to start with searching for the things that truly give me the most joy and accomplishing things that I want to do solely for myself, like learning to speak French fluently and beginning my studies of the Spanish language (to prepare for my trip to the DR and also to feel like I am more a part of the culture of black and Hispanic youth that are the majority of the population at urban schools in New York and other big cities

where I hope to work for a time in my life). I have started some lists on 43things.com, which I hope will help to inspire me and keep me focused on MYSELF and my goals for this next year and beyond.

Some of the things I need to grapple with are...

1 - Do I really WANT to become a dancer? Even for just a small, local company? Does performing give me the same joy that it used to? Why or why not? Will I regret NOT dancing later in life if I don't start fighting for the chance now? Is fear of auditioning and being rejected holding me back? Am I just lazy and don't want to go through the trouble and struggle of attempting to be a dancer? Do I just expect to rely on "connections" and personal close

relationships to give me everything I want in life? Is it bad that everything in my life that I've wanted has come easily to me, so I don't even really know HOW to work for something and honestly feel like if it doesn't come easily to me then it must not be meant?

2 - Do I really WANT to obtain a PhD, if I don't plan on teaching at the college level and don't really like research? Am I really just running from the "real world" by staying in school? What am I so afraid of out there?

3 - Why is it that I know how amazing I am, yet am still shocked and appalled when a(n equally amazing) guy finds me interesting or beautiful or talented or even just cute? Why do I seek validation from men for my own happiness? Will this feeling ever go away? Is it really possible that I could ever love myself enough to not care what guys think about me?

4 - Will I ever be able to find true joy in anything besides the thought of marriage and having a family? Will I ever be able to find completely satisfied with my life without those facets? Right now, I honestly don't see how anything else is as important. I don't mean to not value this time in my life, and I KNOW that's what's happening here, but I just wish I could know... what the future holds. Just a little bit. If I knew I'd have 5 babies, who would grow up to become wonderful adults because they are going to be my entire world; a husband who loves me unconditionally (as much as humans are able to love unconditionally); a business/career of my own to allow me to continue feeling successful as an individual... I feel like I could just RELAX at this stage and enjoy my life. But it's just REALLY hard for me when I just DON'T KNOW what's to come!

So, I'm going to try to work on all of those things. And let this marinate in my brain:

"The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." (Paulo Coelho, in The Alchemist)

PS: I also want to start posting more pictures in here... Another thing one of my friends has inspired me to do... I've been slacking on the picture thing! So, I hope you enjoy the random pictures of my life spread throughout this post. :)

this song finally makes sense to me...

2009-12-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

i've listened to this song so many times, and i used to always think it was talking about physical abuse. but it's talking about emotional abuse.

"you took a swing, i took it hard, and down here from the ground i see who you are."

"you tell me that you love me then cut me down."

"the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

you forced me to be indifferent. your loss.

prayers and possibilities

2009-12-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

so i spent christmas alone for the first time in my life this year. it was an interesting experience. my initial reaction to my mother's telling me that she and my father would not be able to make it out here until after christmas was anger. we had somehow gotten our wires crossed--i was certain that they were planning to come out here by christmas day, and she said that i stated months ago that i didn't care about christmas and preferred that they were out here for new years. i still think i was right, but i guess we'll never know.

anyway, as i've been spending a lot of time inside, doing nothing but being with myself, thinking, reading, pondering some of life's questions, meditating i suppose... i've thought a lot about why my initial reaction was anger. i think that i was so angry because i wanted to see my parents so badly on christmas, but also because i was afraid of not getting what i wanted, and more importantly, i believe i was afraid of being alone on this holiday that is such a huge deal in mainstream american culture, in my opinion. (this is another story, but i've been thinking about how i've always thought of the christmas/holiday season as something that is very AMERICAN, despite the fact that it's supposed to be a religious holiday, i think of it more in terms of the consumer market, presents, government days off work, etc. etc. ... but recently, someone told me that christmas--or really, she said SANTA CLAUSE-- was not american. i'll need to look more into this idea later.) anyhoo... eleanor roosevelt said: "you must do the thing you think you cannot do." well i suppose i thought that i wouldn't be able to stand being alone on a major holiday that i've celebrated in some way every year of my life thus far. until now. but i did. and it was okay. i had hot chocolate and made chili and rice for myself in the nude. all in all, it was a quite liberating and peaceful day. i felt free, rejuvenated, and accomplished all at once. and i'm sure that's more than many people can say who spent time with their families yesterday and the day before.

in other news, i believe i had a recent prayer answered. i'm not usually one to pray (although it's something i'd like to do more... i like the idea of prayer and i'd like to tap into the meditational side of myself and the universe), but after discussing the idea of praying about love through a few brief texts with a new friend, i decided to give it a shot. i prayed that things would either work out with the person who was currently in my life, or that i would be shown why they weren't going to work out. less than a week later, a new person entered my life, and i know that was the answer to my prayer. things are never going to work out between me and the other person because i simply deserve better than him. and better has conveniently walked into my life. not sure what, if anything, will become of mr. better and myself, but it's nice to know that he exists. a kind, gentle man who genuinely cares about other human beings, respects his body, feeds his mind, loves his culture, believes in educating youth, etc. etc. etc. it's just nice to have a new presence in my life. and a presence as vibrant and warm as his is something that i just can't not be grateful for.

so, here's to prayers and possibilities. ;)

whatcha say now? [oh, that i'm the sh!t? thas right!]

2009-12-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

i got a perfect score on my last essay for a class where i thought the teacher hated me because she's old, and i basically sent her a blasphemous (no, i didn't swear... this word just seems appropriate) e-mail regarding my frustrations with a specific group assignment. 100% on an essay in grad school? yeah, i'll take it.

i got a "congratulations" from my ballet teacher, and he said i should be proud of myself for my work. i'm almost always late for that class. every single day. and i got a 92%. i'll take that too.

got an A in my first movement analysis class. our teacher said "great work" and that we "presented a clear and thorough review of theory". i'll take that too.

BASICALLY... KICKIN' GRAD SCHOOLS' BUTT.

standard.

get on my level. ;)

cali love

2009-12-15T05:46:00.001-08:00

"CALI IS ME."

- Essence

(one of the girls I tutor)

fragments

2009-12-14T22:09:00.001-08:00

what's the point of art? i told my class today that they should all reflect on this question.

my teacher said the point of the class was for us to develop a new vocabulary of language that we could use to communicate at different times. it's so funny how now, after my study abroad experience, references to things like new languages or foreign countries strike me in such a profound way. when someone says something along those lines, i tend to know EXACTLY what they mean. and when my professor said that being fluent in this language would allow us to feel more powerful, to more, understand more... i just. got it.

failed at life today. dumb karaoke mystery machine. tears. stupid.

it's not the way i wish it were, but something is better than nothing.

my mom said that often times we think we're the only ones feeling a certain way, but there's usually someone else going through the same thing. she said this after i told her it's nice to have friends sometimes. i love my mom.

i'll be the one

2009-12-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

"we're opposites, but we fit. it's really confusing." - the one i miss.

this was gonna be a fb status. lol.

2009-12-13T19:22:00.003-08:00

i wonder if the satisfaction of completing the semester will feel the same without final exams? i think not. but oh well. one year 'til i have a masters degree! :D