When you write for a living, a weird thing can happen to your written voice. It becomes so malleable, smooshed into a house style to fit and be accepted that when you sit down to write for yourself, on your own terms, about whatever the hell you want to, the voice can take a while to get itself out. There’s a stutter, a whimper, a whisper. It’s so unsure of itself. What does it stand for? What is it trying to say? What’s the most natural way to say it?

Well, I’m not sure if that happens to all writers but it happens to me. Regularly. So regularly infact that there are large chunks of time represented as blanks in this blog’s more than three year history. Blanks where I am sitting somewhere stressing out about my blog’s direction, my inability to do justice to the ideas in my head and then the subsequent avoidance. There have been times that I have felt my voice ring out loud and clear on these pages as I share something close and dear to me or something personal and frightening. And just as I do, as I open up and let my readers get a real feel for me, I freak myself out and bolt that voice away lest it get too loud and lead me closer to where I actually want to be. It’s an act of self-sabotage of that I’m sure.

I’m not writing this from a place of revelation, I am still a little unsure of what I’m doing here. But I know I want to be here all the same. And for me, that’s good enough. Sometimes, I feel like I have to have something really big to say to write here, but the big things tend to scare the voice away. The voice doesn’t feel like it can do the big things justice somedays, or that others can say these things better than it can. So maybe I’ll stick to the little things again for awhile, to see if I can tease it out from it’s word cave. And at the moment, it’s the little things that are giving me the most joy. Little steps on wooden floors, little face kisses and an arm casually slung around my shoulder and little heart leaps from a place of numbness. The little things are the things of real life, of little chats with people in my neighbourhood, of laughs with friends, of making loud noises during fireworks, nailing a yoga pose that a few weeks ago sent me toppling and of that morning coffee feeling as it warms my hand.

And if that is all, then that is all.

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: doubt, little things, the voice, writing

Just over a week ago my baby boy celebrated his first birthday. It was a bright and sunny morning, just like the boy himself, and we had a lovely little garden party surrounded by family and close friends.

Usually gatherings of this nature stress me out, but this time, knowing my natural inclination to take on too much, I unashamedly outsourced the cake to my sister-in-law who is a bit of a cake decorating pro and shared the food efforts with my parents and a good friend. Mr P also did the pre-party grocery shop. It might not seem like much, but the small act of accepting help really made a difference to how I felt in the lead up to the day. And it all went off perfectly, there were yard games, relaxed chatting, mingling of friends new and old and some happy, sugared up kids at the end!

Here are a few of my favourite photos of the day (all taken by my lovely friend Leonie Clark):

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: birthday party, Hugo, outsourcing

With my work load increasing since the start of the year, I’ve come to value two words that don’t come easily to me – outsourcing and delegating.

Although the outsourcing budget doesn’t stretch as far as I would like (cleaner, anyone?!), well actually there is no budget,  I have been surrendering to the notion that I have to do it all. Usually I would tie myself into knots about trying to map out meals and cook them ahead and then beat myself up if I didn’t get around to doing it before I did the grocery shop. Which is pretty counterproductive.

But now I try to take a more relaxed approach. I still try and meal plan ahead and make larger portions on less busier days to freeze, but somedays I just don’t get there and that’s OK. Mr P does the cooking at least two nights a week, which usually involves something easy to heat as he wrangles the two boys as I make my way home on the train. And the other nights quick, tasty and nutritious are the order of the day with the Weber BBQ usually getting a work out.

The other week we got to attend a Bloggers family BBQ held by Lenards and as well as having a lovely day in the sunshine, we got to taste and view demonstrations of some of their new products. I was impressed first by the flavours and wide range of products but then even more impressed by the no fuss preparation.

Last week the boys and I headed into our local Lenards to get some lovely goodies to try out for ourselves. Armed with our generously provided $50 voucher, we managed to get four large chicken oriental spring rolls, four lemongrass & ginger breast steaks, a chargrilled split chicken and a Fajita meal kit for just $3 out of pocket, which seemed like really good value.

That night we had the breast steaks with the spring rolls and I quickly stirfried some veges with some garlic, ginger and light soy. Mr P did the chicken breast on the BBQ and being nice and thin, they took less than 10 minutes to cook. The chicken was nice and tender and the flavour was intense without being overbearing. We had some left for wraps the next day and I dare say the flavour was even better.

Then on one of my work nights, Mr P wacked on the Fajita kit. The claim for a fresh meal, ready in 15 minutes, complete with fajitas, fitted the bill perfectly. I walked in to a lovely aroma greeting me at the door, followed by the smiles of my boys who were already tucking in. The flavour was fresh and tasty and alot nicer than alot of the store-bought mexican fajita kits I’ve tried before.

The chargrilled split chicken is still in the freezer awaiting a lazy weekend BBQ opportunity, which could just be this Sunday.

It’s nice to know that when I feel like my quick and easy cooking repertoire is getting a bit stale, and I just don’t have the time to get inventive in the kitchen, that I have alot of fresh and easy options available to cook quickly and within our budget at Lenards.

If you’re interested in checking out the product range, click here.

*Disclosure: I received a $50 Lenards voucher and invite to the Lenards Bloggers BBQ. The views in this blog are my own.

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: #lenardsBBQ, easy meals, Lenards chicken

Since the beginning of the year I’ve embarked on a journey of self discovery. It’s not a journey that’s new to me, I was the dorky teenage girl buying ‘self help’ books in the late 90s looking for answers, I had CDs of whale music and I bought herbal tea to relaaaaaaaax.

I never thought of myself as a ‘hippy’, as compared to the look that was popular around my northern NSW home growing up I was practically a straighty-180. It was only when I moved to the city that I realised that my views, style and interests were probably considered fairly alternative with a side-serving of hippy.

As I’ve gotten older and responsibilities grew larger I guess I unconsiously stopped nurturing my hippy self. I no longer meditated or took time for navel gazing and my clothing choices became blander. People who know me would probably say I still have an individual style, but I started to think that the individual style they speak of is probably more ‘bag lady’ than ‘retro chic’.

So although my outward style or look wasn’t the reason I commenced this journey, lately the more I meditate and journal the more I get back in touch with that teenager who liked to wear clashing patterns and wasn’t afraid to stand out. In doing that I realise how I am almost unconsciously trying to make myself invisable with the clothes I choose and that some days I don’t really feel like myself.

So this week I found myself reaching for boldly coloured dresses and big jewellery. I started planning to cull my wardrobe and buy new clothes not merely for function but for fun and to make me feel good. I realised that my clothing choices were mirroring my inner life. I’ve been hiding the real me behind to do lists, small talk and other functions of life rather than expressing my passions and standing tall and confident in who I am.

The inner work is an ongoing journey that I’ve only just begun, but it all starts by making a realisation and sitting in its truth. Change is hard. It feels uncomfortable and confronting but exciting all at the same time. I want to feel closer and closer to my truth so that these boys of mine will find it easier to find theirs – whatever it may be.

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: change, inner hippy, reconnecting with self, soul work

I sit here, the house all quiet with the rain tinkling on the roof and a lemon tea beside me. I’ve just got home from yoga and feel all relaxed and centred but not quite ready for sleep. I’ve been in a reflective mood lately and tonight is more of the same. It’s peaceful reflection, not the stuff of my external life but of my internal truths, longings and battles. I feel a gentle shift back towards the essence of me, but as it shifts I feel resistance rising in the space. I take a breath and surrender to the feeling.

It’s been over a month since I returned to work at my day job twice a week and continue to do freelance work one day a week and a few evenings and snatched weekend hours. I was worried that adding two full work days into my already precariously balanced work and home life would be enough to tip me over the brink of sanity, but it’s been a blessed change.

I still feel the pressures of combining work with caring for my beautiful boys, but it seems to have an easier ebb and a flow to it now. My two at home days with the boys segue into my work at home day and then the working week finishes with two days at the office. Weekends are now a mix of swimming and speech for Jarvis and some sort of outing or catch up as a family. We’re still doing all the same things we were doing last year but as we both surrender to the busy-ness we find that we uncannily seem to have alot more space and time. A whole heap more breathing room. More time to play, relax and dream.

It feels a world away from where we were late last year. Our boys are thriving and growing. Jarvis’s speech is improving out of sight so far this year and I smile at his long boy legs and wonder where my toddler is disappearing to. Little Hugo is constantly moving and laughing as he chases his big brother around, it feels he is on the verge of walking and I brace myself for the change of seeing my two little people running arond this house. Breathing this all in with my husband by my side, our stride back in synch, fills me with gratitude and peace.

There’s still work to be done but I’m letting go of the striving and just being, feeling it all – the ups, the downs and the roundabouts.

Image: Fantasy Stock

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: contemplating, post yoga, reflections, surrender, work life balance

Well, I missed last Monday’s meditation as we were up in Hervey Bay and there was a lot of hanging out with the boys and their nana and pop as well as watching live updates of the flood situation that was happening all around us. We were OK, but the road was cut to get back to Brisbane and poor Bundaberg just over an hour up the road was total carnage.

Nobody wants a disaster of such magnitude to come knocking on their door (or pouring through their door in this case) but I’m always struck by the amount of immense kindness and goodness that comes out after such events. How beautiful and inspiring things come out of the seemingly impossible.

So, this week my meditation is about harnessing all the beautiful possibilities that are there waiting for us in every day.

Happy Monday!

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: making the impossible possible, monday meditation, possibilities

In the midst of all the turmoil of late last year, an email hit my inbox about Groupon. I’ve checked out various coupon sites over the past couple of years but have often baulked at buying them. Are they a case of too good to be true? Will I get a booking when I want? Should I just stick with going somewhere I know?

But at that moment I knew we needed a night out, we needed a new experience to try together and get us talking, so I said I’d love to try it out. I was given a $49 credit and although there was a massage deal that looked very tempting, as I flicked through Brisbane restaurant deals there was an offer for a Japanese Degustation for two at Zuri, including wine, for (you guessed it!) $49. It sounded exactly like what we needed. It was an easy process to purchase the offer and a coupon was rapidly sent to my inbox. I booked the next day and had no trouble booking for our desired date and time.

As the date drew near I was getting excited, yet a bit fearful – would we have a great night? Could we just have fun, without rehashing the last couple of weeks (at that time). I wanted to try. I donned a dress, wacked on some heels and wore a flower in my hair.

With the boys left with my father who’d come up for the weekend, we hopped aboard the train holding hands. We had time for a drink before heading to Zuri, so we each had a cocktail at Manhattan Club. It felt great to be out, wandering amid the masses of drunken Christmas parties as we headed through the mall to Zuri for dinner.

The service was friendly and we soon had a glass of wine each and were deciding which five dishes to order. We settled on Gyozas, salt n pepper squid, crispy chicken, pork skewers and Wagyu Beef, while we sipped on Miso and Edamame beans.

It wasn’t long until we were chatting happily – not about the kids or the day to day running of the house or the crisis point that almost had our marriage at breaking point – but about ourselves, the food, our hopes and dreams and the life we wanted to live.

The food came out quickly and the small, sharable portions that at first glance didn’t appear large enough to satisfy soon left us feeling quite full. With the Groupon handed over at the beginning we were free to go and walk back into the night, where we had another cocktail at an old favourite haunt The Bowery before finding ourselves back at Manhattan Club once again.

There was a band playing 90s rock on the stage with the Club filled with just a smattering of people. We made ourselves comfortable on a leather couch at the back with a great view of the stage. More cocktails were ordered and we resorted to selfies and singing songs from our youth. It felt like release and connection all at the same time.

The Club closed at midnight and we wandered back to the train station, stumbling home and into bed by 1pm. It was a fantastic night and in the morning I woke feeling lighter and a little bit more alive.

I can’t be sure if that Groupon saved my marriage, but it sure did set the wheels in motion with a great night out. We had been putting going out on the backburner, mainly due to lack of money but to get a dinner out for two with wine for $49 (or less) makes it much more achievable for us. So I’m now constantly scouring for new deals for our next date night and forever grateful for that night that showed us we could have fun again.

Check out the latest deals here.

Do you use coupon sites? I’d love to hear about your experiences!

(Disclosure: I received $49 credit with Groupon to purchase an experience of my choice. Views and opinions expressed are entirely my own).

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: date night, groupon, marriage after kids, night out, reconnecting

I love this as a reminder of where to send your energy. I know I’ve been guilty of sending alot of energy towards critical people in the past to try and make them less critical of me I guess. But all that happens is they then get critical of whatever effort I make as well, which tends to make me feel angry and disheartened. I am lucky not to have too many people like this in my life but unfortunately they often have the loudest voices and the longest effect on me.

Having said that, I am fortunate to have some absolutely awesome people in my life, who inspire, uplift and leave me in awe of their ambition, achievements and attitude. These are the people I want to impress and hopefully leave the same positive effect on their life too.

Have a happy week connecting to your own special peeps!

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: beating negative nellies, mark twain quote, monday meditation, positive people

{This post has been sitting in my draft folder for a couple of weeks now. I read it now two weeks on and I feel proud of my words and I now feel strong enough to stand behind them. So with a deep breathe, I send them out into the ether … maybe someone out there can relate.}

I started this as a 2012 wrap up post, but my fingers stalled at the keys trying to find the words that summed up this year in all its glorious perfect imperfection. I sit here now watching my Hugo trying to stand. He grunts with effort as he gets his balance on his little, chubby baby legs. He’s not yet 9 months old and there he is so determined and every day he’s getting stronger. I look at him now and the light bulb goes off. That’s what I’m doing too.

About a month ago I found out something that knocked the wind right out of me. My husband was thinking of leaving me. I won’t go into the whole sorry, mess of events as the whole month has been a series of gradually emerging secrets, of highs and lows, of doubts and accusations, of finding that my gut was never far from wrong. I found out things I never wanted to contemplate and asked myself questions I didn’t yet know the answers to. He had a younger, female confidant that he thought he’d fallen for and she was showing signs of interest too. I felt unfairly treated, of being compared to someone younger, more carefree, without a toddler and a baby to take care of. I felt my life was being eyed off and gatecrashed, by someone who had no idea about the truths of my life and who my husband was ready to give up on us for. There was no physical infidelity but it was emotional damage that can’t easily be undone.

But in dealing with its fall out I found myself start to stand up, to pull at truths sticking up around me and gingerly place my feet on the ground, pushing up on shaky legs, sending my aching stomach, heart and confused muddle of a head sky-ward. I didn’t believe things had run its course here. We had been unhappy in a quietly, resentful kind of way. I kept telling myself it would get better. Afterall I had just given birth to a human mere months ago. Our home had become a pressure cooker. A bubbling goulash of work, household duties, child wrangling, appointments and engagements. Of quiet despair. Of things left unsaid.

So here I am a day into the new year and I’m standing. Some days I’m still shaky and my mind threatens to betray me and send me toppling, but I am still standing. Mr P is standing too. He feels ripped up and remorseful. I know that to be true. We are talking better than we have for years. We are trying to have fun again. Little tiny baby steps. As we reconnect we wonder how we let things get this far. The quiet, simmering unhappiness, that nearly tore our family apart.

There is still a long way to go, but I believe we are in this together now – instead of each heading off to our individual caves of contemplation. The pressure cooker is turned down right now, but it’s what we do when it starts to heat up again that will make the difference. Our actions will define our strength. We’ve resolved not to do this alone but seek help with the issues we each have.

We both need to keep standing up, without fear, for this to work. To redefine and accept ourselves and each other in all our perfect imperfection. I look at my youngest boy, all esctatic grin standing up on his chubby baby legs, taking wobbly first steps as he holds onto the furniture and I know that it can be done. I just have to keep believing.

It feels a bit weird blogging about this when many of our family and friends don’t yet know about this, however I felt I could either bolt this issue behind the closed doors of our seemingly happy home or I can stand here behind my words and say sometimes marriages suck and hard times find us. It’s what we choose to do next that matters.

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | 12 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: emotional affair fall out, hard stuff, marriage, standing up, staying together after infidelity

I love this quote as it sums up what I’m wanting to achive with #SMSyogaaday.

It’s easy to sink into a rut and start to feel down when faced with life’s pressures. I am an introvert by nature which means I need some alone time each day to recharge and reenergise and I sometimes feel that quietly going about my work can be misjudged and misunderstood. I don’t stand out in a crowd but I am passionate about doing my best at all things. For all these reasons and more, these words really speak to me.

Wishing you all a shiny week xxx

© savemumsanity for Save Mum's Sanity, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: buddha, monday meditation, quote, yoga