The man asked, “Why Rs 10,800?”

The judge replied, “Rs 10,000 for rape and 8% Entertainment Tax by Zardari.”

******

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about It.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains “why he never found out that his wife was regularly having Sex with his student Plato.”

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Two questions:

1) Woh kya hai jo Allah mian nahin dekh saktay per insaan dekh leta hai?

2) Woh kya cheez hai jisay aagay se Allah mian ne banaya hai aur peechhay se insaan ne?

NOTE: Pachaas comment maro tab answer bataoon ga!

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• I failed in my first ever test: Urdu in class 1.
• Then I failed in my Physics monthly test in Matric.
• I failed in the first Physics and Urdu bimonthlies in first year.
• I failed in the Islamiat second bimonthly, two months later. The teacher made me take a resit and I failed that too.
• I failed in Electronics-I, third semester.
• I failed in Electromagnetic Compatibility & Interference, last semester.

As you can see, I believe in: “If at first you don’t succeed, go watch a movie! Studies are not worth it.”

I’m not ashamed of my achievements. Rather, I’m quite proud of the first one.

I was in class 1 and about 4 or 5 at that time. My mother made me prepare for the test but what she forgot to tell me was what happens in a test and what the hell a test is.

So the teacher came in, handed out sheets to us and went to write questions on the board. I being an obedient kid at that time quietly copied the questions, put the sheet in my bag and…

“Ammi, main ghar aa gayaaaa….”

“…BERA GHARQ!“

Dumbass kid!

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Khair, I’ve not been in a blogging mood for quite some time. Doesn’t carry the same feel anymore. So I’m posting an old post, a tag that I did on Nov 4, 2007 when this blog was only three months old. This tag though, does not depict the me of today.

**************

Tagged by: Absar Shah

1.Name one person that made you laugh last night?
Me

2.What are you doing at 8:00?
In the morning: Waking up. In the evening: Sitting on my computer or watching TV. Last night: Enjoying emergency and Iftikhar Chauhdary’s removal.

3.What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Watching TV.

4. What happened to you in 2006?
I graduated. I became the Internet Director of the IEEE PNEC Chapter and designed it’s website. I also designed a website for the IEEE Computer Society’s CHC60 Competition but lost. It was a group activity and the idiot who has tagged me was a part of it but showed his big, black backside in the end.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
“Stop hitting me”, to my little cousin.

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Pepsi at MacDonald’s.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Red and white.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Meal at MacDonald’s.

9. Where were you last night?
Home, wasting time.

10. What color is your front door?
Brown.

12. What’s the weather like today?
Hot during day. Cold at night.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Walls’ Mango!

14. What excites you?
Programming, among “other” things…

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
No way! I’m planning on missing my convocation because I don’t want to.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
No.

17. Do you talk a lot?
When I’m in the mood to crack stupid jokes.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
No.

9. Do you know anyone named Steven?
No.

20. Do you make up your own words?
Yes.

21. Are you a jealous person?
Sometimes.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’:
The idiot who tagged me.

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’:
Kathawala…last name.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
Amma.

25. What does the last text message you received say?
“Just, go to my blog :P”

26. Do you chew on your straw?
Only when I’m hungry and have nothing else to do.

27. Do you have curly hair?
No, thank god!

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Bathroom.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
Me.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Mausambi.

31. Will you get married in the future?
Why wouldn’t I?

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Wild Hogs.

4. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Somewhere between ‘after Eid’ and today.

35. Are you currently depressed?
Not at the moment.

36. Did you cry today?
My life’s not that bad!

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She asked her maid to go check who it was. Soon the maid came back in a hurry and told her there was a large crowd asking for her husband to be sent outside.

She went to the door herself and called out loud, “What do you want?”

The man standing on the other side barked, “Send your husband out!”

“He will not come out. I’ve made him swear not to fight.”

“If he doesn’t come out, we’ll set fire to the house.”

“Set fire to the house? Don’t you know who lives in this house?”

“We don’t care.”

“Don’t you know whose children live in this house?”

“We don’t care whose children! Send your husband out or we’ll set fire to it!”

“My husband will not come outside!”

There was some noise as the men gathered wood outside the door and set fire to it. The door started to burn. Then the man kicked the door on to her.

Not letting his foot get off, he pressed the burning door on to her until she was trapped between it and the wall directly behind it. She cried out loud as her ribs fractured from the impact.

She called out to her maid, “Come quick, the child in my womb has been killed!”

She fell to the floor and the door fell on top of her. Her two sons and two daughters rushed to help her. The sons tried to lift the burning door off her while the daughters tried to pull her out from under.

Meanwhile, the six men outside had rushed into the house with a large crowd behind them, brandishing naked swords and canes, and surrounded her husband. She got up and rushed to her husband and grabbed him by the waist. The swords and canes that had gone up in the air to be brought down on her husband, landed on her. She fell to the ground while the men flung a rope around her husband’s neck and dragged him outside.

Slowly she got up, came out into the courtyard, uncovered her head, looked up at the sky and started cursing the attackers.

Her husband quickly motioned to his friend to stop her. The friend rushed towards the house, bent at the doorstep, kissed it and called out, “My Lady! Your husband calls for you to stop otherwise there won’t be anyone left to take your father’s name after today!”

She paused, then covered her head again. She succumbed to her wounds three months later, at the age of almost 18 years.

**************

O’ Father! After your death, so much grief was made to befall me that had it befallen a day, it would’ve turned into a dark  night…

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Chamatkaar 3 might be on it’s way soon. I haven’t been in the mood to write it up.

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So all you sonsofbitches wanting to mess with Pakistan better think twice. Because someone’s ready and waiting to kick your bloody ass red!

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Apparently on Monday, Mr. Senior Manager of Forde…err…For…uh…whatever, decided to complement Mr. Manager’s terrorizing effect on my sister by dropping in unannounced and asking her why she was late. Which in turn led to me being the target of frustration of the whole family, as always.

On Tuesday, she announced that her new leaving time would be 8:15 am, not 8:45 am. When my mom tried to wake me up at 7 am, I decided, in my sleep, to go to office by myself in hopes that the car would be back by 9 am. Ain’t the first time I was wrong.

As expected, both her Manager and Senior Manager don’t mind twenty minutes of make-up and other uselessly wasteful stuff. I woke up at eight, only to find her in the bathroom. Later on, when I was in the bathroom, she announced that she would leave after eight-thirty as one liability on her had been killed by my selfless decision to go by myself.

I got ready around 9:45 am, and my grandfather dropped me off. I was more than late but I could afford it as my bosses were busy with their exhibit at the ITConnect Expo.

As my luck has had it multiple times, another was no surprise: Mr. Senior Manager failed to show up. He postponed his visit by one day to…yes….today. The whole world wants to see me miserable.

My sister left this morning, again at “8:15 am”. And I being the smartest and most agile guy in the world, got ready at ten. Thinking that everything was going fine, I got out of the shower only to be verbally clobbered by my mom with a lecture on punctuality.

Got into a fight with her and after watching all my counterattacks being gunned down by her ultrasonic comebacks, I resorted to the last tactic in my arsenal: self-annihilation!

Well, not exactly. You wouldn’t call “refusing to eat breakfast” that.

This tactic worked, until she decided to use her last one as well: Call Daddy!

I fought valiantly, like a brave soldier to the last drop of my willpower and resisted the temptation of omelette and toast but her last attack made me shit my pants.

You won the battle mom, but you ain’t winnin’ the war: Daddy ain’t always home!

Now I’m sitting in office, feeling luckier than ever after being informed that Mr. Boss was inquiring into our arrival timings in the morning before leaving for the exhibit.

Someone kill me please!

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According to her, she has to reach at nine-thirty or her manager manages to become a volcano (I wanted to use the word mango here but I had to compromise for the sake of comprehensibility, not everyone’s as smart as me. And if you didn’t get this one, comprehensibility is not a word as far as Dictionary.com knows). For the past week, she kept my ass on fire and started becoming a wailing alarm clock everyday as soon as the minute hand got within 60 degrees of nine o’ clock. And the magnitude of the continuous wailing was always alarmingly proportional to the increasing attraction of the minute hand to the number ‘12′.

Ali, niklo bathroom se, main chhor ke chali jaoon gi!

So I had to bear the pain of getting ready by nine everyday. Yes, this is the reason for me being the most punctual guy in the world. I mean, come on! I need time to get ready for office. And I’m always sleepy in the morning. (Well you can blame my sleeping hours everyday which are usually < =5).

On Saturday, I had to listen to her screaming and it became even more bearable when my parents and grandfather decided to contribute some. I’m seriously going to kill this manager dude someday!

Now on Monday, I decided I had seen enough wailing and got ready before nine. Proud of my acheivement, I came to the dining table only to find that my stupid sister was not ready yet. She was calmly going around, getting “ready” which is essentially wearing extremely stupid clothes with some extra-stupid make-up, and thopafying herself with so much perfume that my eyes roll back in my head from the excruciating pain in my nose!

And then I was like, “What the hell! Isn’t the manager going to lose it today?”

And she kept on thoping make-up. I was pissed! We left the house a good fifteen minutes after that.

My office is near CAMS P.E.C.H.S., not on the main road. The route we take is from Guru Mandir to Shahrah-e-Quaideen, where I get dropped off and the driver takes my sister away. Whenever she gets late, I have to get off on the main road and walk the rest of the way.

Now my anger reached it’s peak when after getting me late, she asked me to get off on the main road because SHE WAS LATE. Can you believe this?

Ain’t no way I was getting off on the main road! Hell NO!!!

I punished her by taking the car all the way to my office. It was her own fault. And apparently, dressing up for office was very important and worth getting it from the manager.

Then what’s wrong with me taking my time to get ready?

Yeh kya baat hui?

Tum karo to chamatkaar, hum karein to balaatkaar?

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