Somehow the discussion turned towards my MS GPA in the first semester and I replied with #.*# to satiate his curiosity.

His next sms: “Woah so you’re the class theta?”

Me: “What the hell is that?”

Him: “Theta = the PNEC term for nerd+know it all+annoying high GPA holder!”

Me: “No man, I am just a shughali guy with aiwaeen mein high GPA.”

Him: “In that case unfortunately you are a very rare combination. One only thought to exist in myths! Combine that with your good looks and you are almost an anomaly! You should be arrested for violating nerd laws!”

Me: “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, thank you! This is so going on my blog!”

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Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

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All you get is a bunch of worries,
but all you want is peace.

At such times,my dear friend
regain the faith in you.

‘Coz for every problem, awaits a solution
which is always hidden in YOU.

Life will take some twists and turns,
making you think its the end.

But all you need is to realise,
that it’s a bend, which’ll soon mend.

So when you feel there’s a load of troubles,
and has turned into a bitter mixture;

Step behind, and open your eyes,
to look at the real, big picture!!

Shagufta Abbas

Courtesy: C it my way!

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• October 27, 2009 -- Greatest Loss (4)

Performed by: Abida Parveen

Written by: Hazrat Be-Dam Shah Warsi

Performance: Coke Studio Season 3

Ho, jee Maula, Maula, Maula, Maula, Maula
Mera Maula, Maula
O my Master!

Main hoon mashhoor ishq baazi mein
I am famous for my love affairs

Khaasa dard-o-gham majaazi mein
Much pain and sorrow in being worldly

**************

Woh maey de de, jo pehlay Shibli o Mansoor ko di thee
Give me the wine that you gave before to Shibli and Mansoor

Toh Be-Dam, nisaar-e-Murshid-e-Maeykhana ho jaye
So that Be-Dam also becomes a sacrificant of the Pastor of the Winehouse

**************

Maktab-e-Ishq ka dastoor nirala dekha
Saw the uniqueness of the tradition of the School of Love

Us ko chhutti na mili jis ne sabaq yaad kiya
The one who learned his lesson could not get a leave

**************

Makani hoon, ke aazad-e-makaan hoon?
I have boundaries, or am I boundless?

Jahan mein hoon, ke khud saara jahan hoon?
I am part of the Universe or am I the whole Universe?

**************

Maula, Maula, meray murshid Maula
Murshid Maula, Maula, Maula

**************

Woh apni la-makani mein rahein mast
They may be ecstatic in their boundlessness

Mujhay itna bata de main kahan hoon
Just tell me where I am

**************

Arz-o-sama kahan teri wus’at ko paa sakay
The sky and earth could not contain the breadth of your existence

Maula, Maula, Maula, meray Maula, Maula

Mera hee dil hai woh ke jahan tu sama sakay
It is only my heart where you can reside

**************

Yahan hona na hona hai, na hona ain hona hai
To be here is to not be, to not be is exactly to be

Jissay hona ho kuch khaatir daari jaana na ho jae
One who wants to be, some offering shall not be given?

**************

Who is this Sufi kalaam for? One who is boundless, the one whose existence can not be contained by the skies and earth? Abida answers in the end:

Maula Ali, Ali, Ali, Maula Ali, Ali, Ali!
Master Ali, Ali, Ali, Master Ali, Ali, Ali!

Ya Ali, Ya Ali, Ya Ali, Ya Ali, Ya Ali, Ya Ali!
O Ali, O Ali, O Ali, O Ali, O Ali, O Ali!

Sufiism at it’s finest!

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*****

It was raining heavily. Lightning kept flashing across the sky.

He stood at the edge of the cliff, holding her by the throat, gun in the other hand, threatening me with dire consequences if I moved forward. But I had other plans.

I told her to stay calm and picked up the pebble at my feet.

“Look, it’s Superman!”

He looked up, and I knocked him out with the pebble. He fell into the raging sea below. She rushed into my arms.

I raised her chin and looked into her eyes. The rain slapped across our faces, drowning her tears of love and gratitude.

I lowered my face towards hers, eyes locked on her lips, when she suddenly opened her mouth and yelled:

“ALIIIIIII, UTHO! AATH BAJ GAYE HAIN…”

*****

TUM KARO TO CHAMATKAAR… 3

RAJNIKAANTNESS INFINITE!

Based on the super-hit comeback “Tum Karo To Chamatkaar…”

by Haider Jafri

*****

“Whaaa….”, I opened my eyes and looked around. “Yeh kambakht aath hamesha ghalat time pe kyun bajtay hain?”

Slowly I got up and looked around in sadness. Then I went into the bathroom and sat on my throne.

Started thinking about the day ahead, how it might turn out and stuff. And I started to think about her again…

Teri yaad mein hum itna kho gaye…Potty kartay kartay wahin so gaye!

The building was on fire. She was trapped on the top floor.

A hundred and ten storeys!

I rushed into the building. Going up the stairs was outta the question, so I took the elevator. It was damn slow!

She kept screaming my name.

“Don’t panic, I’ll save you!”, I yelled back.

Ten minutes and I was only up to the 50th floor. Oh what to do to kill time?!?

I pulled out the Dunhill International pack from my pockets. Looked for a lighter, found none. Dang!

I hit the Emergency Stop button. The doors refused to open. I kicked at them and they flew apart, dropping twenty feet away. The whole floor was on fire. I stood there calmly, pulled a cigarette out and threw it like a Frisbee towards the fire. It flew in a circle, into the flames, turning round and landed on my lips ten seconds later, lit at the wrong end. EEEOOOOWWW!!!

I pulled another one out and this time walked into the flames myself. When I emerged, the cigarette was lit, as was my ass! Double EEEEOOOOWWW!!!

The elevetor went up slowly and I puffed on, humming my favorite Metallica songs…

“ALI, HELP ME!!!”

“Aa raha hoon!”

“Jaldi!”

“Patience is a virtuuueeee!”

“MAIN JAL JAOON GI!”

“AREY KAHA NA AA RAHA HOON, CHAIN SE SUTTA TO LAGANAY DO!”

Larkiyan aur un ke nakhray, qasam se!

The elevator reached the last floor and I walked out calmly into a wide hall. She was hiding underneath a desk. The rest of the hall was aflame.

I picked her up and started walking towards the elevator when suddenly there was a loud explosion and fire formed a huge wall between me and the elevator. I wanted to blow it out with a deep breath but decided against it. Too easy!

So I took the stairs to the rooftop. Cold wind slapped my face and I put her down.

I walked towards the edge to find a way off the building when I heard her giggling behind me.

“What’s the matter?”

“The rear of your pants is gone. And your butt is all scorched and black!”

I whipped out a packet of Fair & Lovely from my pockets, emptied it onto my hands and rubbed it extensively on the affected part.

“Fair & Lovely, sirf 7 minute mein gora banaye!”

*cheap ass music*

“Ab pants ka kya karogay?”, she giggled again.

“Kuch bhi nahin. Tum khush hoti raho!”

I found a horse tied some feet away from the place where I was standing. I walked towards it when suddenly a dragon appeared outta nowhere and ate it.

“WHAT THE HELL?!?”

I kicked the dragon in the wee-wees and it fell off the roof screaming, “Oh my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………………..”

I looked around, trying to find another way down when I spotted an old oil lamp a few feet away. I ignored it first but suddenly a crazy idea came into my head!

I picked it up and rubbed it on the side. Nothing happened.

I rubbed it again. Still nothing.

I rubbed it once more. Nothing.

“KUTTAY KE BACHAY, BAHAR NIKAL WARNA TUJHAY CHHAT SE NEECHAY PHAINK DOON GA!”

Suddenly smoke poured out of the lamp and a genie appeared.

“Kya museebat hai Aaqa, Lakers aur Celtics ka Game 1 aa raha hai ESPN pe.”

“Who was winning?”

“Lakers, by 20 points so far.”

“Kobe Bryant, what do you expect!”

“ALIIII hamein neechay jana hai!”, she suddenly screamed from behind us.

The genie turned around, looked at her and whistled, “Oye, bachi to check kar yaar!”

“TERI BHABI HAI, TAMEEZ SE BAAT KAR KAMEENAY!!!”

“Sorry Aaqa. Khair, jaldi bolein kya kaam hai, abhi match mein 10 minute baaqi hain.”

“Hamein neechay le ke chalo.”

He started moving towards her.

“Why are you going towards her?”

“To pick her up Aaqa.”

“I’ll pick her up, you pick ME up asshole!”

I went towards her and she hugged me tight. Then she pulled back and looked at my neck.

“Wow, you have awesome collar bones!”

“Thanks!”

“And what’s the name of your sexy perfume?”

“Burberry Touch, why?”

“You forgot about the sponsors didn’t you?”

“Oh damn!”

“Yes, there is one left. Your skin is so soft. How?”

“Gillette Mach 3, baby!”

“Huh? The answer was the shaving gel, not the razor stupid!”

“Whatever, they both belong to the same company!”

I picked her up and the genie pulled me up into the air by my shoulders. We soared over the roof  and down the side. Then the genie let me go in mid-air.

“What the hell are you doing?”

The genie did not answer and flew away. I held her tightly as we fell when suddenly she spoke to me.

“I’m sorry Ali, I can’t fall with you. You’ll have to fall alone!”

“What about my awesome collar bones?”

“I’m sorry darling, I have to leave.”

And she vanished.

“Huh? No!”

The ground came closer and closer and closer and then…

BANG!!!

BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!

Mom screamed outside the door: “TUM BAHAR NIKALTAY HO YA ANDAR AA KE NIKALOON?”

“Aa raha hoon na!”, I replied meekly and then finished my business in the bathroom.

I got out to angry glares from my sister and mother and quickly dressed up. Small breakfast and we were out of the house by 9 am.

My sister threw me off on the main road and I walked all the way to office. As usual, I was the first one to arrive and turned on my computer.

Looked at the list of tasks for the day, and got started on them.

<?php

if( isset( $_SESSION[‘userid’] ) )

$userName = $_SESSION[‘username’];

And she was there.

We stared into each other’s eyes until…

“ALI…ALI…utho, office sonay ke liye aaye ho?”

I opened my eyes to see the lab manager Naseem bhai staring at me.

“Kaam karo kaam, deadline aa rahi hai.”

“Jee Naseem bhai.”

Pause.

“Aap bhi to sotay hain. Aap karein to chamatkaar, hum karein to balaatkaar?”

“Bakwaas nahin karo. Aaj achhay lag rahay ho.”

I looked at him in utter bewilderment, quickly turned back to my screen and started working.

Two hours passed and no words were spoken. Then I turned around to go outside and saw Naseem bhai, in his chair, head on the side, asleep.

The door to the lab opened all of a sudden and in walked the CEO. What happened next will take this post well beyond the R-18 rating so I’ll skip that.

When the CEO was done with Naseem bhai, he walked out of the lab and I smirked at the lab manager.

“Kyun! Naseem bhai…ho gaya balaatkaar?”

*****

Dedicated to the one who waited too long for this.

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This post will be either of the following two, depending on the “mental capacities” of my audience:

• Lamest post on my blog
• Funniest post on my blog

So make sure to be here tomorrow.

And oh, if you haven’t read these two before, do it  now before it’s too late.

Tum Karo To Chamatkaar…

Tum Karo To Chamatkaar… 2

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 Alan Steward:s amazing album “Licensed to Chill”

US Recording artist and Producer is hitting all the right notes with his unique Electronic World Fusion style and heading for the international charts with his album “Licensed to Chill” and the single “Buddha Bar Fly” The album features voices from 7 different countries and some really funky beats to go with it. If you enjoy chillout and psychedelic music like Enigma, Pink Floyd, Massive Attack but wish it had just a little more “kick”, you will love Alan Steward’s music. We included a video clip for your enjoyment and if you live in Europe, you are really in luck as Alan is touring Europe throughout the year 2010. Feel free to share this video clip with your friends.

You can visit Alan’s web site at www.alansteward.com

or find his music on iTunes at www.itunes.com/alansteward

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She came up to me tonight and…

• You don’t sleep
• You don’t eat
• You smoke
• You don’t exercise
• You…and so on and so forth…

What will become of you?

Someone please tell her…

“ARAY BHAYYA…AAL IS WELL!”

Jab marna ho ga, mar jaayein ge.

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The fruit chaat is made for the whole family to ensure an intake of fruits. I like the milk but I’m seriously bored of the fruit chaat. So I always say no. Not that she listens, but I do have to uphold my customs too.

Tonight, Mom brought me milk and asked me if I wanted the fruit chaat.

Me: “Nope.”

Mom: “Proper diet lo, tumharay cheeks andar chalay gayay hain, itna kam weight ho gaya hai. Kyun itnay kamzor ho rahay ho!”

Me: “My BMI (body mass index) is absolutely perfect, I don’t need weight.”

Mom: “Tumhara 6 foot ka frame hai, bones ka weight nahin ho ga kya? Khao! Jaan banao!”

Me: “6 foot ke frame ke saath 6 foot ki tummy hona zaroori hai kya?”

Mom: “Bakwaas nahin karo!”

And she brought me the fruit chaat.

NOTE FOR CHICKS: Don’t pay attention to what my Mom said, I’m still as strong as ever.

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Now here’s the thing with me: I don’t eat much.

I have a sandwich for lunch, and if I feel hungry then I have dinner otherwise I don’t. No breakfast. And if I go to class, I have a roll and one or two drinks. I live on tea the whole day.

Improvement from 1 large pizza, one salad bowl, 4 pieces of garlic bread and 1.5 ltr Pepsi just for dinner, no?

Mom doesn’t think so. She likes me fat.

“Itna sa moon nikal aaya hai, khatay nahin ho! Healthy khana khao, junk food khatay rehtay ho.”

Okay, back to the sandwiches.

The first day, it was only the burger patty with mayo, ketchup and mustard. Second day too.

Third day, there were two layers of cucumber and one of tomato as well.

Me: “Yeh kya hai?”

Mom: “Healthy khana  khao, vegetables!”

I made a face but it actually tasted good so I let it be.

Two more days went by, in the same fashion.

But today…the kitchen boy  brought something that looked like this:

Yes, a double-decker!

With 3 layers of cucumber and tomato and a burger patty in one layer, and an egg and a thick slab of cheese in the second!

Me: “MOM, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?”

Mom: “All you eat is one sandwich all day, you need nourishment and healthy food. Itna sa moon nikal aaya hai tumhara!”

Me: “I can’t eat all this!”

Mom: “EAT IT!”

You have no idea how I managed to get it all down my throat! I was literally panting halfway through.

My hand is big, you know. The sandwich was…BIGGER!

Mom wants to feed me. But I have decided otherwise. No sandwiches from tomorrow.

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