Say What?! Classic Courtroom Humor from Judge Jerry Buchmeyer

September 1992 - Death

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 13:12:00 +0000

From Tom Mills of Dallas (Mills & Presby), this excerpt from a recent trial before Judge Sue Lykes of Dallas (303rd Family District Court)

Q. Did you go over to their home?

A. Yes.

Q. Did you tell them you were there to see Steve?

A. I said, "I'm going upstairs to see Steve." They said, "Fine."

Q. What did you observe upstairs?

A. The nurse was in the room folding some clothes. I said to her, "He doesn't look well at all to me, Mary."

Q. What did she say?

A. Well, he's dead!

April 2007 - The Sound of Silence

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 13:13:00 +0000

This contribution is from Randy Wilson of Abilene, who writes that several years ago in the 326th District Court in Taylor County, preceding a custody trial, before Judge Aleta Hacker, a novice attorney was conducting a closed end voir dire by asking questions of the panel such as:

Q. How many of you are married? Please signify by raising your hand.

Q. How many of you have children? Please signify by raising your hand.

Q. How many of you have been divorced? Please signify by raising your hand.

Q. How many of you have been involved in some way in a child custody case? Please signify by raising your hand.

And this continues for what seems like an hour. Finally, the novice attorney asked:

Q. How many of you have been involved in an extramarital affair? Please signify by raising your hand.
The sound of silence was deafening and there was not even the “blink of an eye.”

April 1996 - But Is The Defendant Credible?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 13:12:00 +0000

From Tom Hamilton of Dallas (Tom is an Assistant U.S. Attorney), this excerpt from a court order in a criminal case:

3. The defendant is a glib witness when it suits his interest to be such; otherwise he is unworthy of belief in his responsive testimony and maddeningly evasive. ... Furthermore, the defendant's memory is both self-serving and selective. For a man as intelligent as the defendant obviously is, he has a terrible memory for any embarrassing details. The only two witnesses I have observed in over 13 years on the bench with worse memories were self-acknowledged as brain damaged (one from alcohol abuse).

June 1998 - Timely Objections

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 13:29:00 +0000

From Steven C. James of El Paso, this excerpt from a deposition he took in a case involving "the collapse of a huge rock wall being built on a hillside between several El Paso homes." Steven is questioning the defendant builder about the cause of the wall failure.

Q. Based on your experience in building rock walls, Mr. Cuevas, what caused this one to fall down?

Mr. Myers (objecting): Lack of foundation.
____

From Michael A. Miller of Dallas (Martin, Farr, Miller, etc.), these marvelous objections made by David Gest of Austin, who represented the witness being deposed.

Mr. Gest: We are going to be here forever, Mr. Engel. Just answer the guy's question. Make Miller work for the answer.

A. I don't recall what their opinions were on that.

Mr. Gest. Good. Period.

Mr. Miller: If you have an objection, please state it.

Mr. Gest: I object to my witness running at the mouth. Just answer his question and then shut up so we can get out of here before midnight, please. Go ahead.

September 1992 - Death

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 13:33:00 +0000

May 1997 - Did He Really Say That?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 13:33:00 +0000

From Joseph G. Rollins of Houston, this excerpt from a Trespass To Try Title case that he tried in Sherman "way back in the early 1950s." Joseph sets the stage by explaining that the witness' father had been "well known to have been an alcoholic.

Q. And your father died intestate?

A. (Halfway coming out of his seat) No, he died in a train wreck, Mr. Rollins, and you know it!!

Judge: He's just trying to find out if your daddy had a will.

A. Well, why didn't he just ask me that instead of getting personal about it.

March 1988 - All in a Day's Work

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 13:36:00 +0000

This one was sent to me by Thomas W. Mills, Jr. of Dallas (Vial, Hamilton).

Q. What did you do that day, during the day?

A. I went out and crushed somebody's elbow that owed me some money and then I went and kicked the door in and took care of some other people, then I went back to the hotel, took a shower, went out and talked to a police officer. And after I left him I went down and made a big scene at the hot dog stand and I came back to the Gilbert Hotel because he was getting a little bit too upset and after that, that was it. That was my daytime story.

Q. When you say you created a scene at the hot dog stand, to what are you referring?

A. Well, I said I created a scene.

Q. What did you do?

A. I was checking another biker's I.Q.

Q. What did you say to the man?

A. You know, I think I forgot.

Q. You personally fought three people?

A. Well, I wouldn't look at it as fighting three people. I look at it as a good workout.

Q. How did you almost put him in the hospital?

A. I don't know — let me crush your hip bone a little bit and see what happens.

Q. You didn't do anything wrong, did you, with this man that slipped down the stairs?

A. I helped him along.

July 2005 - Ozzie and Harriett

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 03:15:00 +0000

These two contributions are from Stephen A. Doggett of Richmond from his examination of the husband in a divorce case:

Q. So, what are you saying? Are you saying she is not a good mother? …

A. I’m just saying that sometimes I may have felt that she did things I wouldn’t have done.

Q. Well, you are not supposing … that everybody is an Ozzie and Harriett kind of family situation, are you?

A. I don’t know who Ozzie and Harriet are.

Ms. Scardino: Can I ask Roger if he would take all of that out of the record?

The Court: No, Ms. Scardino. You have shot your own foot off about your age.

Ms. Scardino: Okay. I guess I will continue now.

November 1993 - What Kind of Doctor Is He?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 03:13:00 +0000

From Jack C. Eisenberg of Austin (Byrd, Davis & Eisenberg), this excerpt from the deposition of a personal injury plaintiff:

Q. Do you know a Dr. Parker?

A. Yes. It was - the 9th is when I had an appointment with Dr. Parker ...

Q. What kind of doctor is Dr. Parker?

A. He is a - Well, he is a gentleman. He is not real old. He is kind of thin.

Q. Is he a medical doctor? A. Yes, he's a doctor.

***

From Scott S. Vasquez of Houston (Mallia & Jacobs), this deposition excerpt from a suit alleging that someone in an attorney's office had forged a client's name on insurance checks and a release:

Q. Do you know who Dr. Alex Melvin Wade, Jr., is?

A. Yes, I do.

Q. Who is he?

A. He - he worked for me about - maybe about a month in 1991.

Q. In what capacity?

A. As a paralegal.

Q. He was a doctor of what?

A. That was his first name, "Doctor."

Q. He wasn't an M.D.?

A. No. Nor a Ph.D., nor a J.D.

Q. Are you saying that "Doctor" was his first legal name?

A. According to him.

Q. And did you put Doctor Alex Melvin Wade, Jr.'s name
on your letterhead?

A. Yes.

July 1997 - Making Buck Myer's Column

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 03:12:00 +0000

From Loren G. Klitsas of Houston (Celedonia, Smith & Klitsas), this excerpt from the long cross-examination of an investigating police officer "recording his opinions as to the cause of the traffic accident."

Q. Have any of your opinions changed after all this stuff that they've told you and all this stuff that they've shown you?

Mr. Klitsas: Objection, vague.

A. No.

(Court reporter sneezed.)

Mr. Lapidus: Bless you.

Mr. Celedonia: Are you saying that to the deputy or to the court reporter?

Mr. Lapidus: Good question.

Mr. Klitsas: That just made Buck Myer's column.

February 1997 - I'm Not Sober, But ...

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 03:10:00 +0000

From David L. Traylor of Dallas, this exchange that took place recently before U.S. District Judge Joe Kendall (Dallas Division, Northern District of Texas):

Judge: As you stand here today, are you sober?

Defendant: No, I'm not sober.

Judge: Are you drunk?

Defendant: No, I'm not drunk.

Judge: Are you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

Defendant: No.

Judge: Are you drunk?

Defendant: No.

Judge: Are you sober?

Defendant: No, I'm not sober.

Judge: Perhaps sober is a word that is not in your vocabulary. I know several people like that.

March 1996 - Seeing A Chance Not To See

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 03:10:00 +0000

From Fred R. Jones of San Antonio (Goode, Casseb & Jones), this excerpt from his deposition of the plaintiff - a motorcycle policeman in Laredo - "who 'had to lay the bike down' (why do they always say that?) when another vehicle suddenly turned in front of him."

Q. You have said that Price Construction had improperly and inadequately marked the lanes of travel and failed to control traffic. How did that contribute to this accident, sir?

A. Had there been adequate-markings or perhaps a flagman, to indicate what side of the lane to use, perhaps either myself or the driver of the van wouldn't have been in the other lane.

Q. Which other lane?

A. Well, whichever one we weren't in ...

Q. What did you do after the accident?

A. The first thought that crossed [my mind] was that somebody was going to have the new green lights to travel west, who's going to recognize me and try to run over me ...

Q. Why would somebody try to run over you?

A. Motorcycles are notorious here in Laredo for issuing citations. ... They have respect for us. It's just that, I felt that one of them would see it as their chance to not see me lying on the road and take advantage of the situation.

May 1994 - From The Twilight Zone

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Fri, 31 May 2013 14:59:00 +0000

From W. Bernard Whitney of Fort Worth, this excerpt from the deposition of the defendant-husband in a case involving the mental and physical ability of his wife - who was "the testatrix in 1984 and who subsequently died in May 1992":

Q. Okay. And then do you recall the time in September of 1984 when she was using the commode and she fell, and she fell off the commode and hit her head?

A. No, sir, I don't because just before she passed away she was still using the commode and they didn't nobody hold her on it.

Q. So you're saying in September 1984 she didn't fall off the commode?

A. She did not, she sat there until the day they took her to the hospital and died [in May 1992].

May 1990 - Many of Us Have the Same Problem Tom

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Thu, 30 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Jerome Aldrich of Angleton (and a Brazoria County assistant district attorney) sent this trial excerpt with the simple observation that it "shows that prosecutor Tom Selleck (not related to the movie star of the same name) and the defense attorney, Lloyd Stansbury, wanted during jury voir dire was an UNBIASED jury."

Mr. Selleck: I certainly thank ya'll for your time and you've been very helpful to myself. Anybody that has any questions of me based on anything I've said? Okay. Thank you.

Ms. Grigsby: You're not going to use the back row?

Mr. Selleck: Well, I'm a laywer and if I talk to the back row it will take another 45 minutes.

Ms. Grigsby: You know what, I find you very attractive and I might be biased in a different sense. I'm afraid I might decide for you.

Mr. Selleck: That's a first for me I assure you, but thank you.

The Court: Counsel, you have exceeded your 45-minutes, if that helps you any.

Mr. Selleck: Thank you, Your Honor. The judge has given me my out. Thank you very much.

The Court: Mr. Stansbury.

Mr. Stansbury: Thank you, Your Honor.

Unidentified Juror: Let's see you top that.

Mr. Stansbury: I'm not even going to try.

November 1992 - Did I Really Cause That?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Wed, 29 May 2013 14:40:00 +0000

From Robert J. Malinak of Houston (Baker & Botts), this excerpt from a deposition in a case involving the alleged wrongful termination of an insurance company. The witness, an employee of the agency, was represented by Richard Tate of San Antonio (Kendrick & Pipkin). Robert's questions are "probing" the plaintiff's damage claims.

Q. You are still compensated on a percentage of your commissions?

A. Yes.

Q. What was your 1991 compensation?

A. Let me get my years straight here.

Q. Last year.

A. Last year. My compensation?

Q. Your compensation. How much you had to report to the IRS.

A. To IRS to pay taxes on, I believe it was $116,000.

Q. How about '90, do you remember that?

A. I can take a stab.

Mr. Tate: Don't speculate.

Q. Again, I wouldn't hold you to it. I am just trying to get a general feel for where you were going and where you were coming from. I don't want to subpoena your tax return. I'm not interested in a precise number.

A. Can I get a drink?

July 2005 - Ozzie and Harriett

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Tue, 28 May 2013 14:40:00 +0000

May 1994 - Did She Really Say That?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Fri, 24 May 2013 15:18:00 +0000

From Suzanne Saenz of Houston (Suzanne is a legal assistant with Ronald W. Ryan), this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition in a medical malpractice case.

Q. Mr. Williams, are you on any medication today?

A. Yeah. No. Just a little old pain pill; but I'm not - I know what I'm doing ...

Q. What kid of pain pill is that?

A. Let's see. What did I Tell you the name of it was, a while ago?

Def. Attny: I think you said Vicodin.

A. Vicodin. That's what it is, and it doesn't really hurt my memory.

April 2005 - A Marvelous Answer

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Thu, 23 May 2013 15:16:00 +0000

This contribution from David W. Lindemood of Midland is from a CPS trial before District Judge Dean Rucker (318th District Court) in which Lindemood was the attorney ad litem for the child. The witness, who was the CASA guardian ad litem, is being questioned by Chris McCormack of Midland.

Q. As I understand your testimony about Ms. Ybarra's residence, living situation, you only went into one of the homes that she lived in? Do I have that right?

A. Two.

Q. Two. And on each occasion that you went in there, the residence was clean and orderly, generally - or actually, one was clean and orderly, and one was a little messy, a bachelor pad, as I recall now.

A. That's right.

Q. But no - other than being a little messy, it was not filthy or dirty? Umkempt?

A. It was being swept up and picked up with a shovel.

April 2005 - A Marvelous Answer

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:43:00 +0000

April 1991 - Did I Really Hear That?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Tue, 21 May 2013 21:42:00 +0000

Tom Whitlock of Denton contributes this trial excerpt from "a mental health probable cause hearing in which he represented the proposed patient." Tom is cross-examining the mother of his client:

Q.Has she ever [acted suicidal] or threatened to hurt anyone else?

A. No.

Q. I believe you testified that she had some kind of psychosis. What kind?

A. Post-mortem psychosis.

Q. Post-mortem psychosis.

A. Yes.

Tom adds: "I know that dying always makes me psychotic!"

March 1995 - If You Don't Understand My Questions ...

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Mon, 20 May 2013 21:18:00 +0000

From Al Ellis of Dallas, this excerpt from the deposition of a witness who knew "how to follow instructions to the letter":

Q. My name is Al Ellis. I represent the plaintiff in a lawsuit, and I am going to ask you some questions in regard to his fall that he had back in June 1990, and perhaps some surrounding facts. If you don't understand my questions or I am talking too much like a lawyer, or whatever, you ask me to repeat it. Will you do that?

A. Uh-huh.

Q. You have to say "yes" or "no."

A. Yes or no.

Feburary 1996

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Sat, 18 May 2013 02:28:00 +0000

This sentencing excerpt from Judge Vickers L. Cunningham, Sr. of Dallas (County Criminal Court 8):

Judge Cunningham: Mr. Jones, I have checked the box on the probation order which will allow you to be off of supervised probation once you have completed your fine, court costs, community service hours, and the family violence counseling. What I have just done is put the ball in your hands. So that if you can take care of your business in six months, you are off the reporting probation in six months. Do you understand what I'm talking about here?

Defendant: Yes.

Judge Cunningham: If you are going to drag it out, you are going to be on probation for two years. So I put the ball in your court...do you understand?

Defendant: What I don't understand is what you mean by getting the ball. That's the part I don't understand.

April 2008 - Justice in Rusk County

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Fri, 17 May 2013 02:27:00 +0000

This marvelous!!! contribution is from Justice Bailey C. Moseley of Texarkana (Court of Appeals, 6th Appellate Dis-trict), who writes:

“A number of years ago, I was engaged in a jury trial in Rusk County, representing the defendants in a trespass to try title case in which the plaintiffs were claiming ownership by adverse pos-session. The plaintiffs had a woman who lived nearby testify about the supposed long and continued use of the property by the plaintiffs. “On cross-examination, I wanted to establish that the witness did not fully understand which piece of land was really in controversy, so I began to question her about its location.

Q. What direction is this property from your house?

A. Well, I am not too good at telling directions.

Q. Okay, let’s talk about it in ways that can help this jury under-stand. Say that it is just at dawn and you step out onto your front porch. You see the sun coming up. From what direction is it rising?

A. I think it is coming up in the North.

Judge Moseley adds: “The jury broke up laughing, but the witness never seemed to understand what she’d said to make them laugh.”

June 2001 - The Competency Hearing

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Thu, 16 May 2013 02:26:00 +0000

Mark D. Wilson of Houston sent me a section from a book written by the father of one of his good friends. The book, "A Dollar a Mile, Fifty Cents a Gate," by James G. Taylor, M.D., contains this marvelous (!!) excerpt "detailing some testimony at a competency hearing."

Judge Jack Pierce asked me to come over to the courthouse one day to evaluate the mental status of a man waiting in his office. Though I can't recall the man's name or the relevance of his presence before the judge, I do remember his response to a line of questioning I'd been trained to use in such situations.

I questioned him succinctly.

"Is anyone after you?"

"No."

"Are you afraid enough to feel the need of killing a person?"

"No."

"Do you hear voices?"

"No."

"Do you hear things you are unable to see?"

"Yep."

I paused and asked him quietly, "What do you think they are?"

"Mosquitoes," he answered.

My evaluation for the judge was just as concise. "Judge, in my opinion, this man is normal, and smarter than I am."

January 2002 - Did They Really Ask That?

noreply@blogger.com (State Bar of Texas) — Wed, 15 May 2013 02:26:00 +0000

From Senior State District Judge A. D. Azios of Houston, this incident which took place while he was trying a felony case as a visiting judge in Montgomery County. The questions are by Assistant District Attorney Mike Seiler.

Q. Mrs. …, will you please identify yourself to the jury?

A. My name is Mrs. …; I am the complainant’s mother.

Q. Have you been her mother all her life?