On Becoming a Domestic and Laboratory Goddess

Friday Morning Jams...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:51:52 -0500

Last night one of you wrote:

Dear Dr. Isis,

Have you seen the Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" video? I cannot get this song out of my head and thought I might suggest it to Your Hot Scientistness. I have a job interview coming up, and between planning my tastefully conservative ensembles and my clear, concise, and clever job talk, I am watching this video over and over. I wish instead that I could be standing there in the seminar room in a dress trailing a polar bear with the whiteboard behind me on fire. How can I channel some of that fierceness in a way that will result in a job offer and not an arrest record? As an expert in hot science, you must have ways to bring out the goddess while nervous and sleep-deprived.

Your humble admirer,
Sign me
"a biologist"

Oh, I have seen it and it is ferosh. Good luck with the interview!

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Ask Dr. Isis - How Do You Make Time to Write?

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:38:39 -0500

For the record, I almost titled this blog post, "Ask Dr. Isis - How are You So Hot?" But, man, that would have taken hundreds of thousands of words. My amazing science aside, there are a bazillion reasons I am hot and I have not the time to list them all. Speaking of time to write, I have poured myself a glass of almond champagne and I am ready to answer this letter:

Dear Isis, Creator of Hot Science, Guardian of Fabulous Shoes (and scientists' right to wear them), and overall Light of the Universe,

How on Earth (or any other planet) do you make time to write?

I first stumbled upon your blog last year, just after your move to ScienceBlogs. I read as often as I can, but being a first year veterinary student doesn't leave me a lot of minutes to rub together. That being said, I keep a blog mainly for the benefit of family and friends who want to keep up with my adventures. I certainly have plenty I'd like to say, but find it challenging finding, or making, or protecting the time to do so. Is it about protecting a chunk of time every day (I'd even settle for every week!)? Do you write a little bit in all the little extra minutes you find, wherever you find them? Do you take notes throughout the day and then turn them into a post in the evening? I'd love to hear any tips you might have to share.

Most sincerely,

Jane Herriot*

*inspired by your psuedonym(ity?)
(janeherriot.blogspot.com, if you're curious). [I was curious, and I checked it out. Your blog is adorable and I'd encourage my readers to go give it a gander!]

I get this question a lot. I mean, a lot. Just the other day, one of my favorite Twitter followers @Glfadkt tweeted the following:

@drisis When do you find time for doing that hot research? Or sleeping?

It's not easy, and I really don't sleep enough. During the week, I'm a 5-6 hour a night kind of gal and we have begun a new study that frequently requires my attention overnight. While I don't recommend it, I seem to function alright this way.

But, here's the secret to my blogging: it's not quite my first day at the rodeo. Although I've only been Isis the Scientist for about 18 months, I started blogging about 8 years ago under circumstances much like Jane Herriot's. I was in school, away from home, missing the people I love, and was looking for an outlet to talk about the things that were going on. I didn't post every day, and I didn't always post anything profound. At one point when I was writing my dissertation, I posted this to my blog:

Blech! I just had this for lunch:

And let me tell you, I do NOT recommend it. It took at least 1/4 cup of salt to make it not taste like licking my own ass.
This shit is not fit for human consumption.

Not exactly a triumph in blog journalism. I also posted this little gem:

In the time of my youth I really liked American Apparel. I would get t-shirts there and I always thought they were really hip. Well, today while I was looking at Perez Hilton (yes, I looked at Perez instead of running/biking), I saw an ad for American Apparel advertising these:

And at first I thought that American Apparel had simply lost its nut thinking that today's woman/girl would wear such craziness. But apparently American Apparel does not think that today's woman/girl will wear such craziness because, as soon as I clicked Perez's link I realized something....

Even though American Apparel advertises these as hot pants for women, they are clearly being worn by a man.

And he looks better in them.

As a new blogger, that really worked for me. I had a happy little non-demanding audience of maybe 150 of my friends and family members, updating them on my life, my little family, and generally about my work. Heck, it worked for me for almost 7 years. It was an opportunity to share things about my life that I didn't have time to call and everyone personally and it let me maintain a little community of the people I loved that I couldn't maintain in real life. There was also zero pressure to regularly post because that audience was very forgiving.

Then when I moved to my current MRU, I found myself writing a lot more about science and my career. I think my happy little audience got bored with my science meanderings and I decided to start a new, more science-focused blog as Isis the Scientist. I don't know where I figured it all would go, but I became a part of a new community that I really value.

My move to ScienceBlogs has created a new community that I value, but also a new set of expectations. For example, I am under contract to post a particular number of posts per week. While I have never known them to be enforcers of this requirement, I generally try to meet it. I also am paid a modest, but generally competitive, stipend based on the amount of traffic I generate. So, that adds a little extra pressure. One of you once asked why I say I feel guilty when I don't blog. Well, I figure if I get paid because you show up here, I should probably put something up for you to read.

But, blogging as Isis the Scientist has been far from a personal money making endeavor. My blog revenues have allowed me to increase my personal philanthropy to science organizations and charity. Last year, including my donation to the David Bruce Award (which I intend to repeat this year), I was able to make about $2000 in pseudonymous donations to different organizations from your clicks. That's a lot of click-y power. I also get a lot of letters from my readers that I try to answer and I take that very seriously. In that sense, I look at my Science Blog as a service activity and devote as much time to it as I would any regular service activity.

Being Isis the Scientist is not without reward. The individuals above me at my MRU and some other important folks in my field know that I am Isis the Scientist and sometimes I get a professional bone thrown my way. Being involved in the blogosphere has been a way for me to gain professional insights I would not have had access to if I weren't Isis. For example, I once met another scienceblogger, more senior than me in her field, and we were driving in my car. I was complaining about something laboratory-related that I was dealing with and she said to me, "You make sure that when you move to be promoted that you include this in your documents. This is a huge obstacle and you've really overcome it. It shows character." I would never thought of it that way if it weren't for her, and I would have never known her if it weren't for this. So, there's value in this and when something has value, you make time to do it.

Video 1: In honor of my blog bff, here's a little vintage Lady Gaga to break up a hell of a lot of text. Also, a creepy picture of Suri Cruise in heels, and a hilarious video of a boy seeing his first lobster. Now, back to business.

But, the question this reader asked specifically is, how do I actually blog. It's different than it used to be. When I had a personal blog, I wrote whenever I felt inspired. Sometimes it was daily. Sometimes it was once or twice a week. Now, I carry a notebook where I write down hilarious tidbits of things I come across in a day. For example, sometimes I am attending rounds, listening to whatever science-y, medicine-y stuff is going on and my mind will wander. I think something like, "you know what would be hilarious? A group of normally chill hippos revolting and attacking a crocodile." Then I write it down. Tonight I was eating French fries with Dr. Buttercup and our technician. I put a ~~little~~ huge pile on my napkin and covered them in enough ketchup that the fries were almost invisible. I really like ketchup. Dr. Buttercup said, "If I'd had $20, I'd make her tie her hands behind her back and eat it." It was so hilariously awkwardly funny, that I had to write it down so that I could some how use it in a post (check that one off the list). Then later, when I am ready to write, I go back to my notebook for material

Sometimes when my week is relaxed, I blog every day. Sometimes when my week is crazy, I write 3-4 posts over the weekend and schedule them to post throughout the week. Then the other days I post something small. That's actually where the Shoe of the Week came from. I was stressed to come up with a post and figured I'd just post a pair of shoes. Turns out, you women dig shoes. My blogging happens around my science and family. I look at my week, say "How am I going to meet the obligations for the week? Now, where does the blogging fit?"

But, while how I blog might interesting to learn from, it's not the only way to blog. What's most important is that you just write something when you can. It doesn't have to be brilliant prose. It just has to be honest. You've got to find what works for you and find your own voice. I still don't know that I've really found mine, but blogging is just like everything else.

You'll only get better if you practice.*

*This blog took me 45 minutes. Now I am going to watch and episode of Lost and go to sleep.
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Positive Exposure and the Faces of What We Study

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:45:27 -0500

I have a lecture to write this morning, so I thought I would present something one of you sent me. Loyal worshiper Rula writes:

Hello goddess,

In the spirit of fall, I offer up a boot. I know they're flats but I think they're beautiful. And this has a really pretty classic look to it. I adore Via Spiga. Also Frye...if only I didn't already have a gazillion dollars in med school loans.

But anyways. The real reason I'm emailing is that I recently saw a presentation from Rick Guidotti, a former fashion photographer who now runs an organization called Positive Exposure. His presentation moved most of my classmates to tears, in a good way. Reading your blog today, I realized it might be something that would interest you, if you hadn't already heard of it. I think his website speaks for itself (http://www.positiveexposure.org/home.html), but essentially he takes pictures of people with various genetic conditions to show that difference is beautiful, rather than shameful. He's involved in activism in Tanzinia to prevent the murder of albinos, and is working to create a database for medical professionals with pictures and testimonials from people living with genetic diseases (to serve as a counterpoint to the dehumanizing images and descriptions available in most medical texts).

As the real message behind this project is one of anti-stigma, I thought you might be intrigued.

Rula

The shoes are lovely, but the pictures are truly rem,arkable. If you've got a few minutes to spare today, go check them out. They are a sobering and motivating reminder that the conditions that many of us study in the isolation of our laboratories have human faces.

Thanks for the great finds, Rula!

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Ask Dr. Isis - How Do I Convince a Young Girl That Math = Hot?

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:46:33 -0500

I'm back to my list of Ask Dr. Isis email. Next up in the queue is this one:

Dr. Isis,

I'm a regular lurker at your blog who is writing on behalf of my mother - she's a fourth grade teacher in an inner-city district in Arizona, and she has one very gifted young Hispanic girl in her class this year. Unfortunately, this girl's trying to hide her talent for math because she seems to think it's incompatible with being part of the cool, girly group of girls. Since you're the best example I know of someone who does very hot science while still being cool and feminine: do you have any suggestions for role models my mother can tell this girl about or other strategies to encourage her to develop her aptitudes? I would love to show her the Goddess's blog, but it's not really school-appropriate for the fourth grade... awesome though it is.

A million thanks (from someone whose shoes are nowhere near worthy),
[Awesome name redacted by Dr. Isis]

So, here's the situation. I've read this email a few times. I'm trying to come up with something. I really am, but everytime I read this letter (and, I won't lie, I received it a few weeks ago), I get fixated on this line:

...she's a fourth grade teacher in an inner-city district in Arizona, and she has one very gifted young Hispanic girl in her class this year...[math is] incompatible with being part of the cool, girly group of girls.

I have to admit, especially before people start losing their shit in here, that I am having a very hard time not projecting my own personal experiences in this situation. I mean, I wondered why this reader pointed out to me that the little girl in question is Hispanic. I can't seem to get my mind off of it. You see, when I was a girl in school in Eastern Los Angeles, this was the group of girls folks were afraid I would reject science and math for...

Video 1: I think the humor in Gloria Nava's video will appeal to a very specific subset of readers. That said, Dr. Isis was successful in high school at keeping those "ese vato locos" all out of her chonies. The eyeliner I put on after I got to school still had crazy wings though and I owned at least five lipliners in "tough ass puta." My eyebrowns did not scream "bitch", however my sister-in-law's do.

Maybe not so much this group:

Video 2: Is this the girly girl our reader's mother is worried about?

So, I'm trying to get over this part of the letter, I really am, but I still find myself fixated on what the author of the letter was trying to tell me. What important facet about her being Hispanic am I missing. Am I suppose to address the lack of positive Hispanic female scientist role models? I'm trying because, for me, in the context of my life, that sentence has a very profound meaning. It's really hard to be funny when I find myself so damned uncomfortable, reflecting on my own past and upbringing.

Alright. Moving on.

Assuming the group of girls our young Hispanic heroine is in mortal danger of falling in with is more like the girl in the second video, I'm not sure I see a problem with being a "girly girl"and I worry that teaching a young girl that rejecting a particular way of expressing one's femininity in order to be smart does not send the right message. Or, telling people that they can't/shouldn't be friends with people because of who they are. Now, don't mistake me. I'm not saying that one must accept the counter - telling girls that they must be "girly" - either. I'm saying that this girl is in fourth grade. I think we should at least let this mini muffin hit puberty before we start passing judgment.

The real question is, how does one help this girl see value in science and math? I think a teacher has to provide positive reinforcement and metrics by which a student can see themselves as successful. For me as a very young Isis, falling in with a particular group of girls was very easy because I was very familiar with the metrics for success and the positive and negative reinforcements were very strong. It wasn't until the end of my freshman year in high school that I really found my inner geek chick.

I had been taking choir because it was very easy to sneak out of the back window and hang with the other "tough ass putas" instead of singing selections from the Phantom of the Opera.

Video 3: I know the guy was trying, but I did not envy the teacher the job of trying to get this group to appreciate Angel of Music.

One day while I was out getting into trouble, I found myself in a minor altercation with a girl. I am sure I yelled something only slightly more eloquent than "chinga tu madre", when a teacher appeared out of nowhere, grabbed me by the back of my flannel, and "escorted" me back to his classroom. He ended up being the school's debate coach and he told me that if I was really that scrappy, he had a more productive venue for me that wouldn't lead to me getting shot. I figured there was no harm, and being a part of his team gave me the opportunity to get out of the house. That weekend I traveled with his team to another town for a Model United Nations conference, dressed in some mismatched, poorly fitting business-y type clothes I had scrounged from my mother's closet. For some reason, after being on the team a single day, he let me represent the United States and it was a blast arguing and fighting. We ended up winning, I am sure through no great acheivements from me. But we won, none the less. After we returned, he gave everyone some number of points based on how they had performed that day and showed me the bulletin board in his room where people's accumulated scores were posted. There were the scores from that year and there were the legacy scores - high scores from people as early as 1982. Then he put me on the board. Right at the very bottom and pointed to the top. I told him I'd be there someday.

I don't know what it was about the experience, but being on that board and the prospect of advancing by verbally smacking down some bitches, instead of literally smacking down some bitches, really motivated me. I competed in all sorts of things while I was there, and eventually I made it to the top of both boards. I ended up going to the national championships and I remember how proud he looked as I advanced. During my senior year, he made sure I got my college applications in on time and that I took as many AP tests as my poor self qualified to take for free, and it was ultimately the scholarships I won competing on his team that got me started.

As I look back I realize that as a freshman in high school, I was rejecting education because I didn't see a lot of value in myself. Things were rough for me at home, we were pretty poor, and I was really struggling. I took the easiest positive reinforcement I could find.

But, as a scientist today, one of my favorite parts of my job is arguing with people about science. I know that this comes from him, and that makes me happy.

While I was away at school I received word that my teacher and coach had died of cancer. I wrote this about him:

I joined [his] band of misfits during my freshman year of high school. At the time I had no interest in public speaking. His team was attractive to me because they traveled most weekends of the school year and that meant I could be away from home on the weekends. They also practiced over the summer, which I used as an excuse to get away. As much as a teenager can ponder such philosophical problems, my intent was to invest no time, energy, or emotional capital in this activity. It was merely a distraction from an otherwise pitiful existence.

But despite my poor attitude, I found myself with him. At a point where I felt my life had no value and no meaning, he taught me that my actions and words could be powerful. At a point where I was crying out inside for someone to notice how badly I was hurting, he taught me to make others pay attention to me. He taught me that I could be successful.

I am completely and entirely the person that I am because, at a time when I was in need, he showed me compassion and inspired me to move beyond the life that I was living. He taught me that every situation can be temporary and that I had the ability to create my own destiny. He let me be successful in my own right and made me strive to make him proud of me.

Many of you may only think of [him] in passing in the future. Others will forget him after you read this entry. For me, the loss of [him] will leave an emptiness I will never fill. For me, the loss of [him] is akin to the loss of a parent because, for sometime, he was the only parent in my life.

Tonight I am empty.

So, I suppose I have no specific advice for my loyal letter writer's mother tonight other than to tell her that she has the ability to help this girl feel successful by giving her a challenge and offering her positive reinforcement. I've got nothing more than words of positive support. I hope that this teacher will keep fighting the good fight though.

For me, it made all the difference.
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Dr. Isis's Shoe of the Week - Stuff You Send Me

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:33:55 -0500

This email arrived in my inbox while I was away at a meeting:

Oh most FABU Dr. Isis

While I am but a mere humanities prof at a MLAC (minor liberal arts college) while in grad school I supported myself as a secretary in a MFRU (major f-ing ...) with many double '.Ds as I derisively refered to the vastly over educated.

I write today however to draw your attention to a major fashion trend that is an accompaniment to your shoe fetish. I refer of course to the patterned tight. Just think, were you to expand your focus to hosiery! The mind reels at the possibilities. Just a suggestion of course. I know ass shaking jams and smoking hot research keep you well occupied.

feMOMhist

p.s. since I teach many science muffins, I have happily passed your blog on to my students. Many of them are now paralyzed by your awesomeness as well as my own.

This adorable little muffin included this picture for our viewing pleasure:

Figure 1: feMOMhist's smoking hot gams. And, those shoes are pretty ferosh.

I love, love, LOVE those tights. Personally, I have been secretly lusting for these ever since I saw them at Macy's:

Figure 2: Tartan Plaid tights by DKNY. $20.00 at Bare Necessities.

I have dreams of how beautiful these tights would be with a black pencil skirt, a red sweater, pearls, and some adorable heeled loafers. Sadly, they have somehow not made it into my wardrobe. I've got no good reason why. Perhaps a trip to Macy's after work is warranted..

You're the totally FABU one, feMOMhist. Thanks for sharing me with your students and tell all of those lovely little chickens that Dr. Isis says "hello." XOXOXOX

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Suggestions to Improve Experimental Biology

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:05:54 -0500

This year the world famous Dr. Isis may be attending Experimental Biology, my very busy and very hot scientific schedule permiting. I am convinced, however, that as great a meeting as it is, it could always use a little improving.

This year, to improve the quality of the meeting, I suggest a flashmob:

After all, what is more amazing than a flashmob? That's an event that could make someone infamous....

Also, I have a suggestion for the official conference hotel:

I'm just saying. Read the comments on this post...

The Number One Rule

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:39:34 -0500

Yesterday I picked Little Isis up from preschool. As I read that sentence, I realize that it is entirely uninteresting. I pick the kid up from preschool all the time. What a poorly crafted sentence..

But, I digress.

At Little Isis's preschool, outside of his classroom, there is a whiteboard where his teachers write about what the children did that day. Yesterday the message read, "We are teaching the children about germs and how to stay healthy. Please ask ask them what the Number One Rule is when you get home."

Well, if you've been reading the blog for any length of time, you know how I feel about rules. I couldn't help myself. The promise of a Number One Rule was simply to delicious. As soon as we walked out of the classroom I had to ask, "Little Isis, what is the Number One Rule?" To which he replied proudly:

Don't pick your nose.

You know, as far as rules go, that's a pretty good one. I think I'm alright with it.

Figure 1: The cure for world hunger, except that it is against The Rule.

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How Do You Feel About Your PI?

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:00:15 -0500

I am sitting on a pile of Ask Dr. Isis letters that I swear are making me lose my faith in humanity. Why do none of you write to ask, "Why is my PI so awesome?"

So, in order to either confirm the forthcoming academic Apocalypse, or restore my faith in the world, I offer you this simple poll.
Enjoy.

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Becca May Live Another Day...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:01:10 -0500

...because she sent me the Lab Safety Song:

Never were muppets more cool.

That little muffin makes me absolutely crazy, but today I think I love her.

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Stuff You Send Me...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:16:56 -0500

Dr. Isis needs a break from the serious. These come from loyal reader Perceval:

I can tell you exactly who the first one reminds me of.

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Ask Dr. Isis - How Do I Handle Misogyny in the Classroom

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 10:17:41 -0500

Alright. After a few rounds of editing to sufficiently de-identify the student, here is our next question...

Hi Dr. Isis,

I'm looking for your thoughts, as a scientist, educator, and mother, on how to address some gender issues that seem to have come up among one of undergrads for whom I TA. I'm teaching a special topics course, which is attached to our Intro Psychology course, and focuses on TV viewing and child development, from infancy through adolescence - focusing in different weeks on aggression, language development, academic achievement, eating behavior, sleeping behavior, and sexual activity.

Part of the idea is to present them with journal articles (likely their first exposure to original research) and I ask them for 1-page reading responses each week. I gave them one of the classic papers on the negative effects of TV viewing, particularly with respect to aggression.

Here are the relevant points from one of my students' responses (which i have summarized to distill the main points):

1. Watching violent television is beneficial for boys.
2. Watching this sort of TV programming allows boys to feel masculine, and can develop a sense of masculinity in them.
3. Without such development of masculinity, many boys will grow up to be too sensitive
4. Men and women were made for different reasons: men for the more "rugged things" in life and women to "help children develop their sensitive side," to care, and to nurture.
5. Without a little bit of violent television, some kids could miss out on learning this.

Without getting into the particulars on whether or not there is a relationship between violent TV viewing and aggression in children, and whether or not there are gender differences in that relationship (check out the Albert Bandura Bobo Doll experiment which shows the girls reacting with the same aggression as the boys)...

What is the appropriate way for me - in a position of authority and power as a TA - to address this with this student? Should I address it at all?

Thanks,
[Dude's name redacted a la Isis]

I am going to get to [redacted]'s excellent question in a moment, but first I have to say that I am fascinated by the video that he included in his letter. Utterly, utterly fascinated. In this video there are people going totally Tony Soprano on this bobo doll, and Albert Bandura made a documentary using the footage. Now it's on YouTube. I can't imagine the participants consented to that. I also know there is no way our IRB would let us get away with stuff like that now...

Figure 1: "Alright, kid. I'm gonna to need you to sign here. Then we'll let you take a hammer to that creepy doll for a while. Then we're gonna put the video up on YouTube. It'll come up in searches with that kid who wants us to leave Britney alone and videos of Kim Kardashian eating a popscicle.

But, surely, I digress.

I'm going to start by doing a little bit of editing to this adorable little muffin's letter so that we can begin from a more productive place:

I'm looking for your thoughts, as a scientist [and] educator ~~and mother~~, on how to address some gender issues that seem to have come up among one of undergrads for whom I TA.

I'm not sure how my role as a mother qualifies me to address this question, unless you think a couple verses of The Wheels on the Bus, a trip to the zoo, and a Spongebob Squarepants Band-Aid is going to fix this kid's problem. Otherwise, I got nothing for you. If you start wetting the bed, [redacted], you can write to me as a mother. Otherwise, let's move on and address this like the scientists that we all are.

The feminist in me reads what [redacted]'s student wrote and wants to stomp my adorable shoes and say, "No! Boys and girls are just the same!" But, that's not going to do me and my adorable shoes any good, is it? Let me, instead, focus on this....

What is the appropriate way for me - in a position of authority and power as a TA - to address this with this student? Should I address it at all?

What would you do, [redacted], if I were in your class and I wrote a paper in which my central thesis was that the moon is made of cheese? I imagine that you would call me on it and either respond with evidence to the contrary, or demand that I provided evidence of such tomfoolery. My thinking is that this is how you handle this situation -- you handle it the same way as any other situation in which a student submitted complete bullshit. Call it. Ignore the fact that it is pure misogynist propaganda and just call it for the scientific nonsense it is. If he wants to press on with it, let him gather his sources and fight back.

If he watched enough violent television as a child, he'll be really good at it.

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Ask Dr. Isis - Do I Submit An Abstract Without My PI?

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:34:18 -0500

Dr. Isis is back on the email answering bandwagon and was happily plugging away, answering an email about gender and race and science, when this little gem popped into my email box:

Dr. Isis, I am writing you because after reading your blog for almost a year now, I see you have impeccable taste and wonderful advice! Let me get to the point because I know you have a busy life:

I and another graduate student in my lab have been working on an abstract submission for a REGIONAL conference over the past month. The deadline is tomorrow. Our PI has known about our abstract for this entire month. She put off reading our draft until JUST this past Wednesday when she was at a meeting OVERSEAS.. and she is still there. Now, of course, she is fretting about our sample size and bringing up issues that she should have noticed a while ago. She is also now ignoring our emails despite the deadline in 24 hours.

We have collected, analyzed, lit-reviewed, and written this entire project. It just happened to be in HER lab. We are not trying to publish a paper in Nature or anything--it's just a poster presentation at a regional conference that we want to go to.

Is it totally unacceptable to email her ass over in foreign country and tell her that we are submitting it whether or not we hear from her? We have nothing to lose, in our opinions. The worst that can happen is it gets rejected. I feel really bad especially for my partner in this--as she is a full time student with an internship at a fancy hospital and research position on TOP OF 2 TODDLERS. She's spent so much time on this and is really upset, as am I.

Help!! The deadline is in 1 day!

~One of your many loyal readers

Oh, dearest little muffin. Dearest, most darling little muffin. If I could reach out and give you a hug and a cupcake, I totally would. Especially since you are not going to like what I have to say to you. Still, I am going to be as kind as I possibly can be....

Don't do it! For the love of God, don't do it!

Back away from the submit button carefully and slowly and no one will get hurt.

Figure 1: Noooooooo!

Beyond anything else I am about to tell you, it is inappropriate to submit anything anywhere with an author listed who did not agree to have the item submitted. Completely inappropriate. In that sense, your question reads like a textbook question from an ethics and science class. If you are ready to submit that abstract with authors that read...

One L. Reader, Partner I. Crime, and Absent P. Investigator
Department of Totally Hot Science, Major Research University
Middle of Nowhere Town, One of the 50 States, USA

...and AP Investigator did not approve, then just don't do it. Enough said.

There are so many things in your email that I want to address because I can tell how emotionally invested in this project you are. I know nothing about your relationship with your advisor. She could the most supportive mentor ever or she could be a complete lunatic. Because you've told me nothing about your relationship, I am going to operate from the position that she has an interest in seeing you succeed.

With those assumptions in mind, let's more carefully address some of the major issues....
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Guidelines for Emailing Dr. Isis (ie, Don't Make Me Smack a Bitch)

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:43:22 -0500

I love you, little chickens. You know that I do. That's why I answer your emails. Still, some of you are making me lose my fucking mind!

Figure 1: An artist's rendition of Dr. Isis answering some of your emails.

Seriously, I love you, but some of you are making me crazy. I realize the finer points of the pseudonymous blogosphere are easy to miss, but some events over the last few weeks have led me to create a list of things to remember when you are emailing me. As soon as I figure out how to HTML this bitch, I'll put it up at the top of the blog, but for now...

I assume that anything you send me is fair game for use on my blog. Unless you specifically tell me otherwise, but you should still see my general policy regarding email. Dr. Isis is a benevolent blogger and generally operates with her muffins' best interests in mind, but sometimes she still #FWDAOTI for the greater good of the blogosphere. She can't help herself.

I have no idea whether you want to be pseudonymous or not if you don't tell me. If you email me from an email address that uses your real name, and you sign the email with your real name, then I can only assume that it is okay to address you by your real name. I'm not a mind reader. Sign the email the way you wish to be addressed. My policy on your pseudonym is here.
If one of the parties in your email is a reader of my blog, do not out them to me. I don't want to know that JBrown6969 is your graduate student or BioBrain is your department chair. PLEASE don't tell me their real name. It's not relevant to the answering of your question and it's a move of extreme asshattery to out another blogger.
The internet is forever. Once I publish your question, it's out there forever. I can edit your letter locally on the ScienceBlogs site, but my blog is syndicated to RSS feeds, websites that steal blog content, your mom's house, and there is no way I can get every version back. I can't guarantee that the original version won't be read by the person you didn't want reading it. So, think very carefully before you hit "send" because I am going to assume that you thought out the content of your email. For some guidance on things to consider when you craft the content of an email, check out my personal Rules for Pseudonymous Blogging.
Don't out your students. Teaching is hard. Really hard. One of the most common things people write me about is how to deal with particular student issues. But, you'll notice if you read my site, I don't frequently answer these questions on my blog. The reason is that many of the letters contain a level of detail that I am not comfortable publishing. One of the important things about teaching is creating an environment in which students feel relatively safe making a mistake and learning from it - that includes not publishing their mistake on the interwebz. So, if you can phrase your letter in a way that does not lead to the identification of your student, I'll answer it. Otherwise, you're just plain out of luck.

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The Last Thing You've Sent Me For Today...

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:55:11 -0500

Then back to feminist stylings and your letters. For now, here is "Charlie Bit Me", but autotuned....

Personally, I think everything thing is better autotuned. I wonder if someone can arrange a way to autotune this year's Cannon lecture? Could be fun...

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The Last Thing You've Sent Me For Today...