I got in my car after work, rain pouring. I took my time making sure I was ready to drive in the rain and as I pulled out of my parking spot I felt something, like a bump. When I look over to the next empty spot, there was a kitten, about 8 or 9 weeks old collapsing and dying. My heart broke. I saw him died in front of my eyes. I was out of the car, I wanted to go pick him up and nurse him back to heath and adopt him. Except he was dead.  His blue eyes still open. I cried and tried to think what to do.

It was horrible, and once again I found myself crying in the car. It seems it’s what I do lately… cry in the car.  So much sadness, sorrow, and anger in me lately, but no private space to let it all out. I was sad I saw this kitten died, saw his little body collapsed in front of me. I’m not sure I killed him, but it sure felt like I did.

April is always a difficult month for me. So much suffering has happened in April for me. And I have tried to let it all go and not associate this month with suffering. But this year has been difficult. It’s going to be about a year of me fighting to save my relationship. And I’m just not sure I have it in me to do the work alone anymore.

I will never forget this kitten I saw die. And will never be able to park in the same space without the image of his blue yes. It’s a grave site for me. I want to stop crying but the tears keep coming out…

So these are the vampires I would love to be seriously involved with:

Menolly

She’s a badass! Ok, yes there are other female vampires out there but I like her and I can picture myself in a relationship with her and actually have sex with her. I would actually get the corn rows too. Menolly is also part fairy which means she’s used to many partners/relationships at the same time. Even though she didn’t choose to be a vampire, Menolly has become aware of what it means to be one and how much self control and discipline one had to have being a vampire.

Zsadist

Z was the first fictional book character that made me cry. So he pop my cherry in that sense. He was my first… hah hah! His book is just so real about how people/vampires that have been sexually abused feel. I would recommend to read his book to anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has been violated that way… It’s hard to be in our shoes and understand what goes thru our minds if you never experienced such horrible fate. So because of his path, I would love to be loved by Z in my next lifetime. And I would love to have him sleep next to me each night knowing Zsadist would totally kill whoever would come after us.

Jean Claude

JC is just amazing. He’s cool, calm, and collected yet terrifying. I would want to be tied by him. And the best part about having him in my pretend polyamorous relationship is that Jean Claude would be probably the only vampire in this group I wouldn’t have to be worried to be jealous. I think he knows how to share real well.

John Matthew

JM is pure sex to me. There is no other male vampire that makes me feel the way he does. John Matthew is both nice and badass at the same time. He’s also gone thru crazy shit in his life. Another reason why I love him so much. He’s been left and found many times and that’s me too. Sex in the tunnel? Totally!

Eric

Oh man, Eric Northman… he’s just everything to me. If he told me to stay home and be a “housewife” I would totally dropped everything in a new-york-minute to do it! He’s not only attractive but also powerful. Nothing more exciting to me than someone with power and brains. He’s that… and well… sex on a stick for sure!

Of course, all these vampires have a partner or loved one already. So we are pretending if they and I were single, then yes, this could definitely work out! The problem with all these many alpha male, powerful, sexy vampires at the same time is that they could not all live under the same roof. I would definitely have to take turns each day with them.

What about you? What vampires would you marry? Or werewolf/weres etc? No zombies, don’t marry a zombie… they… just… smell!!!! Yuck!

Why did she go to help Bill? Why does she let so many people stay at her house? I don’t get it! And her brother, why is she always taking care of him? I feel like slapping her every time I see someone staying at her house for free.

I hate she reads paperback and wear all those ugly small town dresses of hers with the bows. But that may be cause I’m from a big city and we tend to dislike small town girls. Specially if they are blonde and tanned!

One thing though I have to say about Sookie is that I do admire her for being happy with her life. She doesn’t care that she is a waitress and lives in a small town. She doesn’t seem unhappy about not going to college, having a professional career, getting married, having kids, traveling and moving to other places, driving a fancy car, or owning a big suburban gated community house. She’s happy with living a simple life.

I hope one day I get to understand her better. Book 12: Deadlocked, is coming out next week, May 1st and True Blood is coming back in June 26th In fact, Charlaine Harris will be in Miami May 1st and unfortunately I will miss her because of a concert on the same night. I would love to have asked her many questions about Sookie. OK, I’m lying, I want to ask about Eric… like what his number is and how do I marry him.

A few weeks ago all the hectic-ness wore out and all of the sudden I found myself with lots of free time. It was weird to have free time that first week and it affected me to not be busy with “things to do”. It was so bad that I felt I had no purpose in life. I imaged that’s how mom’s feel when all the kids have left the house and it’s quiet and no laundry to do after work.

I felt… empty.

My first instinct was to cry and be depressed about not having to be busy. But then, as my therapist says: “we are human beings not human doings”. That means, we are not defined by how busy and how many “thing to do” we have in our life. So that weekend, after a lot of crying and meditation with hard cord metal, I realized I needed to write again.

I had stopped writing because I had no time in my busy life. So now I had free time doing what I love.

I took out my computer and worked on two scenes that were giving me trouble. It was good.

I can’t deny the emptiness still there, but at least I have allowed myself to “sit with wanting”. That means, I’m not in a hurry to have a “busy life”, for heavens sake, I still have a full time job, a car, and a husband. So that’s plenty without adding the extra stress.

I actually had time to re-read my favorite books from the BDB series before Lover Reborn was released. So wow, what a luxury that was! Spending time with Zsadist and John Mathew (my favorites) was awesome! And now that I’m done with the LR, I’m starting the Merry Gentry series by LKH which I never really got to read.

Last weekend, I actually chilled and took care of me first and not worry about filling up my list of “To-Do’s” and it was perfect! but I know, had this happened 2 years ago, I would not have handled it this way for sure. I would have filled out my To-Do list and kept “doing” instead of being.

 Photo by mrsdkrebs

Aren’t we grateful season 4 of True Blood is back! yum! Can’t wait for that shower scene! You know I’ll be TIVOing that!

They had all the Anita Blake, Lincoln Rhymes, Katherine Dance, Merry Gentry, Alex Cross, Otherworld Series, and more that I wanted to read. I could reserve online from other locations and they would arrive to my local library with no issue.

Then January came and they closed down that location to remodeled until April. I then had to pick another library to have my books delivered.

The service was awful and the people were not friendly like the people at my library. They got all my online orders wrong and gave the wrong books.
I had requested a lot of the Black Dagger Brotherhood books as well as the Night Huntress series and they lost some of them within the Library. I was so mad that I went to the bookstore and bought the rest of the books instead.

Then it turned out that the book I was looking for had been returned to the shelf. But the employees could have not been bothered to go look in the shelves. I had to go find the book and it had my name in a sticky note as waiting to be picked up. Then it happened again when I requested Lover Mine.

My local library branch opened now and I’m back to happy. I had to break up with them for a little bit.

I’m enjoying all the books I’ve gotten until the next Anita Blake comes out June 7th. I’ve pre-order it B&N online to get a signed copy. I can’t wait!

(I wrote this awhile ago but it never got published)

Photo by The Library of Virginia

It all started the last week of October, then it was my 30th birthday and thanksgiving in November. Holidays in December, not to mention I got married, taught my first yoga class, and was out sick for a whole week during my only time off. Then the new year came, missed my bird of the year completely! And when I woke up, it was almost February. And here we are, the day after Valentine’s and I didn’t do anything! Oh, forgot to mention last week I had a breakdown that I’m still recuperating from.

Most of my side and fun projects are at a halt because of school. But tonight I realized in 6 more weeks I’ll be able to get more sleep and come back to the projects that are pending.

I also think the fact that I haven’t been reading or writing anything fun lately has contributed to my stress. The next Anita Blake is not due until June, and the next vampire series I want to read was delayed because my library is closed until April! Don’t they know people need their vamp fix?!?!

I also decided to start writing again, this time something longer than a short story. But that too was put on hold.

I just don’t see a way out of this hecticness because I feel that even when school is over, I’m going to be filling up my plate again with more projects. And the thing is, I’m not willing to give up anything, not the things I want to do next nor the things that are pending or sleep, or eat, or yoga,or reading, etc.

I know there are many people who can relate to this situation… so what do we do? What are we willing to give up? I haven’t figure it out yet… but I better hurry up because next time I check, I’ll be April!!! hah haha…

Suggestions are always welcomed!

Photo by The Library of Congress

How Anita Blake Saved ME

Until about two years ago, I did not know that there was vampire literature other than Anne Rice. I discovered the books by Laurell K. Hamilton about 18 months ago and haven’t stopped reading. Reading vampire books has helped me open about my true self, especially the Anita Blake Series, who reminds me of me in many ways. But in reality was has inspired me the most is the author, Laurell herself.

Since I was a child, I have fantasized about vampires. They were my heroes and never saw them as monsters. The monsters were the people closest to me hurting me. I have been working very hard the last 8 to 9 years to deal with the monsters in my past and the scars they left me with. I do owe a lot of the progress to my husband. But even with his support, I have felt that he has his own agenda and I left parts of me behind, the simple things that make a difference. I found Anita and with her stories I found me again without hurting my relationship. And now I feel more myself and I’m ready to take on the next chapter in my life, where I can share more of myself and not be afraid of who I am.

The fist step in my healing process was to open a blog to express my ideas, feelings, stories, and share who I really am.  My friends do not know about this blog because I’m sharing issues I would normally not feel comfortable talking about. Also, most of my friends have become a version of Ronnie; not supportive and not loving of the changes and choices I’ve made in my life.

Laurell created a character I relate with in many ways. In fact, as there are people that have the WWJD bumper stickers on their cars, or the wrist bands, key rings etc to remind them to ask themselves ‘What Would Jesus Do” in a sticky situation? Well for me it’s not Jesus who seems to guide nowadays, not that Jesus has guided me either way. For me is “What Would Anita Do?” Of course now I’m laughing because if there were bumper stickers, license plates, or key rings I’d be the first one to get them. I didn’t realize I was doing that until I had an issue with a friend. I was reading Incubus Dreams and suddenly I was looking for an answer to my problem in the book, as if it were an encyclopedia or bible, or one of those self help books where you ask a question and shuffle the pages and suddenly the answer comes up.

In twitter, I follow Laurell and replied to one of her tweets about Mayhem Fest. I was planning to attend and bring my husband and introduce him to his first Metal concert. She replied back and suggested I take him to a different concert that would not scare him away from the music because it was labor intensive being there all day. I thought about it and asked hubby if he would feel comfortable going for 8 hours of metal. We made the decision that I was going to find someone else who would enjoy the music like I did and have a good time at the concert. My aunt got the lucky ticket and there we went. As we got closer and closer to the date, I grew scared of going by myself, with no man next to me to defend me if something went bad. I knew nothing would, but the Scorpio in me made up scenarios of all possible things that can go wrong. Like Anita, I went ahead with it, and I actually had a good time not only because the music and shows were great, but also it was a celebration to my new independence.

I’ve blogged about how the books and blogs by Laurell have helped me and how Anita and Laurell have inspired me to try new things. I know that I’m not alone. I know many fans out there feel the same way. I look up to Laurell and Anita because of their confidence, independence, loyalty, and love for those around them. They both have made me realize there are things I thought I wanted to do, but in reality I do not want to do. Some of my favorite quotes to say now are: “if you don’t work the issues, they will work you.” Or “I won’t ask someone to do something I won’t do myself.” And that is how Laurell K. Hamilton’s books, blogs, and even tweets saved me. I entered this contest not to win, but to share my story. Thank you Laurell!

The concert started with a new song from The Oracle, “Cryin’ Like a Bitch” and followed by “Awake“. It was awesome! The energy in the place, as cold as it was where I was sitting, was incredible. I worked up the courage to sneak to another section that got me closer to the stage, I couldn’t afford the pit, but had good seats. Nonetheless, since it was not sold out, I was able to move closer. I was there by myself for most of the concert because my beloved was unavailable to come with me. He joined me later for the last 30 minutes of the concert.

I was having a blast dancing, screaming, jumping, signing, and taking pictures. It also felt good to enjoy live music alone. And looking back after I got home, the part that I enjoyed the most was being there alone, not scared, not afraid to enjoy the night. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Sully took of his shirt too… So the night was PERFECT!

I had to turn down a business trip to Chicago in order to attend and was feeling guilty, but at the end everything worked out well at work and I had more than a good time.

When I got home I was so high I had to meditate, almost like after amazing sex and not being able to move. Not because tiredness but because of the amazing experience. Problem was that the mind took over and started to invade the body with depressive thoughts.

Instead of celebrating what I had just accomplished, I felt alone. Alone in the world. And then I started “Goin’ Down“. I decided to then go to sleep and focused on the positive; however, this morning I woke up in hell. And the day got worse and worse. So bad that not even food or music helped.

To make matters worse, things happened at the office including my beloved, and felt unsupported again. Felt alone. And all I could think of was how “I Stand Alone” so to speak!

I realized I needed time processing all of it, my day at work and my night alone, so I asked for alone time while making food and felt better. And after some music, I feel much better. I don’t know what it all means, but I’ll figure it out. I enjoyed the music last night and now I can say I went to a rock concert alone when I wouldn’t even go to a movie by myself.

Godsmack was awesome and I’ll never forget them! So far they rank #2 in my “Best Concerts” category, #1 being No Doubt still and #3 Mayhem Fest.

I keep a journal of my favorite dreams, the ones that I hope to someday turn into stories. Until recently, I realized that dreaming is my only outlet to my creativity. Watching this movie felt like having someone explain a lot of things I thought were just in my head.

Dreaming in My Dreams

“Dreams within dreams is unstable” – Yusuf.

I’ve had dreams within dreams where I tell the people in the first dream what happened in the second dream.  When I saw this in the movie, I figured it had to be based on someone’s imagination or experiences, in this case is probably safe to say the writer’s experience.

The Kick

“The feeling of falling that snaps you out of the dream” – Cobb.

I never had a name for it until now. It happens to me once in awhile, specially if I have been sleep deprived or had extensive physical activity. For example after traveling or being outside all day, in a concert, hiking, etc. My body moves and I wake up immediately. Problem with the kick is that I forget the dream because of the shock that the body went through during “the kick”.

Waking Up – Was it Real?

“Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange” – Cobb.

Every morning when I wake up I take a minute to see where I am and make sure I won’t forget the dream. There were times when I was a child I would dream about eating strawberries and cream, and I would wake up thinking that was a memory and not a dream. When a dream is unique or interesting, I write it in my “Dreams Journal” so that I won’t forget it later. Sometimes is hard to remember every detail, but the “main plot” of the dream may stay with me for a long time.

Time & Music

It was explained in the movie that in a dream, time passes twenty times slower. They said we only use about 5% of our brain capacity,  but in a dream we use 100% of it.  This made me understand why when I wake up after a “long” dream, I’ve only been asleep for 10 minutes. Immediately after I close my eyes, I start dreaming. The story begins playing in my head right away. I know because I’ve fallen asleep while waiting for my husband to come to bed. It takes him 3 minutes to do that, so by the time he gets to bed, I’ve had an entire dream. I’ve also timed myself to prove this because it was hard to believe time slows down in a dream.

In the movie, they also explained that music is a sign to wake up. My alarm is my phone and it plays music. Every morning while I’m still dreaming I hear the music playing but my brain doesn’t recognize it as “time to wake up”. Instead in the dream I know is time to go. Sorta like how one’s mom would call out one’s name while playing outside and one knew it was time to come home for dinner.  At that point I tell all my dream “friends” I gotta go, and I say good bye and wrap up the dream and then finally get up to go to work.

Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I am able to continue the same dream another day. Most of my vampire dreams continue to play nights after nights, years after years. They don’t go away…

Inception was an amazing movie! I felt as if someone finally understood what goes inside my head at while I sleep and put into a script! I recommend seeing this movie for sure!