By Scott Tousignant
Creator of More Love Less Fat
Trust and communication are two very important components of a successful relationship. Angie and I have put together a simple workout that you can do with your partner, which incorporates both of these key ingredients. Check it out…
There’s an instant connection when Angie and I begin this workout. It all starts with ‘touch’. We hold hands and lean our backs against each other. We are now two bodies working as ‘one’.
Next Angie and I need to communicate with each other to ensure that we are set in the proper position and ready to begin the exercise. Throughout the workout Angie and I are constantly communicating with each other in order to know how many more reps we feel that we could do or if we can take the movement deeper.
There’s a constant feeling of trust. I’m relying on Angie to let me know if she needs to get up or move out of position. Otherwise I could end up flat on my rear. On a side note, I always make sure that I butter Angie up before this workout just to make sure that she’s not going to pull any tricks on me and put me on my butt during the workout. ;)
Perform this workout for 10 minutes and feel free to take a break as often as you need to. Just be sure to march on the spot during the rest period and aim to improve the number of reps that you can do when you try this workout again.
Give it a try and let us know if this fun and fast couples workout increases the trust and communication in your relationship.
You ROCK! Enjoy the experience,
Scott Tousignant
Scott and Angie Tousignant have been helping couples rekindle their love-connection for over a decade. Their program More Love Less Fat – A Couples Guide To Transforming Your Body and Relationship reveals their secrets to a healthy and happy marriage.
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You’ve done everything it takes to get your own game together, and you’ve been a man or woman who deserves what you want for sometime now. In fact, you’ve found a partner as terrific as you are, and the question has inevitably surfaced: Is it time to “pop the question” around here?
I believe a lot of us really have not spent enough time ruminating upon what it really takes to consider a decision to make marriage plans. And make no mistake, my friends, this is the kind of thought that should go on long before you are ever in the position to actually act upon what you think and / or feel.
Indeed, getting engaged should never be a “knee-jerk” decision. In fact, nothing involving “jerks” of any kind should ever be a consideration.
So whether you are in a serious relationship right now or not, let’s consider the top ten signs to look for when considering marriage:
1) You are attracted to each other
First, you absolutely, positively must be sexually attracted to the object of your affection. This is NOT being shallow, as we’ve discussed previously. Don’t you appreciate how I freely endorse making this a priority? Thought so. Feel better now? LOL
2) You actually like each other
Laugh if you will, but I’ve seen first-hand how couples justify long-term relationships despite getting on each other’s nerves big time. I personally don’t get it, and if you deserve what you want I surely hope you don’t want that.
3) You’ve spent enough time together to really know each other
Let’s not talk in terms of calendar time here. If a couple is in a long-distance-relationship (LDR) for two years and see each other once a month for two days, they may see each other about as much as a couple who lives two blocks apart and has been joined at the hip since they met a month ago. When you know that you’ve seen the person at his or her most relaxed (and at his or her worst, for that matter), then and only then are you in a position to speculate regarding what the future really holds.
4) You are on the same page spiritually
Don’t underestimate the importance of this. If you believe that God should be at the center of your relationship, it can only be that way if your would-be partner agrees. If this hasn’t been talked about yet, make it a priority to do so. Even if you are both agnostic or atheist, for that matter, it’s still a good idea to discuss your world views and make sure you are in agreement on what your core beliefs are.
5) Your long-term goals are similar
If your futures are taking you in different directions, either someone is going to have to compromise, or your futures don’t have each other in them. Period.
6) You know how to play together
Sure, she goes shoe shopping while he watches the NFL. But do you know how to enjoy leisure time together? We’re not just talking about sex here? I always thought it would be amazing to find a woman who would want to go BMX racing with me. As it turns out, that wasn’t so farfetched. Couples who play together stay together.
7) You both want to be married
Do both of you really desire marriage? If you feel you are trying to persuade someone out of the single life who still wants to be there then guess what…you are not making valuable use of your time.
8) The basics in your lives are handled
Are you mentally and physically healthy? Is your self-esteem in good shape? If you carry heavy concerns that consume you, it’s not time to invite someone else into your world permanently. After all, that would only give your heavy concerns someone else to consume. And that’s not part of a balanced relationship.
9) You have no doubt in your mind that your partner is committed to you as you are to him/her
Ah yes…the “trust” factor. Kill all jealousy in order to ready yourself for a committed relationship. And make darn skippy sure that’s okay to do. If there are signs your future husband or wife would cheat on you, then forgettaboutit. Really.
10) You have no doubt in your mind that you are committed to your partner as he/she is to you
Turnabout is fair play here. Are you completely sure you are trustworthy? Do you harbor fantasies about cheating on your future spouse? If you are focusing too much on someone else—especially if that “someone else” is potentially available to you, then my suggestion is to get that resolved before feigning “commitment” to someone who would be truly committed to you.
Whether you feel you are ready for marriage or not is okay. One should never feel pressured either way. The framework for a solid marriage with a great long-term prognosis can only be established when both partners truly want to be there…and believe wholeheartedly in both the future and in each other.
After all, isn’t that what love is for?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
My younger brother got married a few years ago. It was a typical church wedding, which meant that the minister who was marrying them inevitably gave a sermon.
And it was a good one. By this, I mean I remember the outline of it three and a half years later. And I can’t remember that much about any sermon I’ve heard since, frankly.
The title of the sermon was, “The Three Ingredients of a Successful Marriage”. I remember my exact, admittedly cynical thoughts upon hearing that announcement. My first impression: Yawn. Then I thought, “Yeah, yeah…’Love, Trust, and Commitment’, right? Or being friends with each other. Or something else I’ve heard before.”
How wrong I was. Going through a divorce at the time, what that minister proceeded to present was a gift beyond price. The three “ingredients” turned out to be anything but the trite, usual drivel we’ve all heard before. In fact, they are all but secret to most of us.
Today, it is my pleasure to take those three secrets and impart them to you-albeit with my own spin, of course.
1) Always Think The Best Of Each Other
Basically, the concept here is that both spouses should gravitate towards the positive options when considering each other’s intentions, actions, whereabouts, etc. If s/he says something that could have two meanings, assume the positive one. If s/he says s/he is “working late”, believe it. Yeah, I realize this is all about “trust”, but it’s much deeper. It’s more like having the self-esteem to be confident in one’s choice of a spouse…enough to believe that s/he has the best interests of both partners in mind. What an amazing gift this is. And you know what, I would tend to believe this is an attitude that falls under the “self-fulfilling prophecy” department.
2) Forgive Quickly
There is absolutely, positively zero chance that a long, successful marriage is going to be 100% free of mistakes having been made over the long haul. Hell…over the short haul, either, for that matter. And when they happen, just let it go. This is disarmingly important. See, if this isn’t done, there ends up being a “cumulative effect of all the small things”. Don’t ask me why that’s in quotes-you don’t want to know. Let’s just say it leads to divorce. Let me ask you this: Assuming you have a “significant other”, has there ever been an argument where one or both partners brought up something that happened weeks, months or even YEARS ago? Yeah, well… then that’s what has to be addressed here. There wasn’t ever any true forgiveness if that’s going on.
Now, I’m not talking about forgiving major, real breaches of covenant here as covered in a previous newsletter. There’s a different concept at play here, and I think you get my drift. If you don’t, email me right away for some coaching!
3) Never Compare Your Spouse To Others
Hey, guess what? If you have a partner, and didn’t “settle”, and KNEW THAT FACT from the start, then you’ve got a GOOD ONE. After the “honeymoon” is over, and you have gotten to know your partner really well, it’s easy (but pathetic) to forget that and incredibly tempting-and oh so easy-to start with the, “Why can’t you be more like X?” stuff.
Well, resist that temptation and DON’T.
Beyond the simple fact that it betrays trust, makes both of you feel inferior to someone else (Did he say “both of you”?…uh, yeah I did.), and is just flat-out “dirty pool”, it MAKES NO SENSE.
Look, here’s the deal: Anyone you are comparing your significant other to is 1) someone you do not know as deeply, and are therefore more easily able to “idealize”, and 2) someone you likely haven’t known as long, and is therefore “novel” to you.
So, the comparisons aren’t fair at all, let alone comprehensive. If you’ve got a good partner, rejoice-and don’t make comparisons that will throw water on, if not outright kill your relationship. If you don’t feel you have a good partner, change that if you are unmarried and get to where you DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT instead; or if you are married, get the help you need to get the relationship to where it needs to be.
A few weeks ago I was talking to my brother on the phone. I asked him if he remembered what the minister preached about at his wedding. Indeed, he did. Does that somehow correlate to the fact that he and his bride are still blissfully married three and a half years later-with an excellent prognosis for the future? I think so.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
Have you ever happened across the Jerry Springer Show (I know this group can’t actually be Tivoing it or anything…too high class a crowd) and noticed how people who are cheaters can’t seem to venture too far from home? I mean, the “other partner” always seems to be drawn from a very shallow pool of best friends, sisters, brothers, father-in-laws, etc. All the time.
If you are going to cheat, at least get far enough from the nest that you at might have a fighter’s chance at not getting caught. Right? And good grief, does anyone ever think about how awkward the family time at Thanksgiving is going to be when all of the dust clears?
For the record, no. Cheaters don’t think about any of this stuff. There is no thought process there. Just the occasional adrenaline rush.
Whatever.
Practically speaking, cheaters are by definition non-thinkers. Consideration of details like process and consequences generally cannot be bothered with at all, let alone managed effectively in these situations. So then, it’s not surprising that cheaters tend to get found out…and lose.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not discounting the concept of someone wanting out of a dismal relationship so badly that they may actually want to get caught cheating, just so the burden of ending the relationship is on the other person. I’m sure that enters into it often, actually.
Heavy stuff. Or should I say, pathetic stuff.
Obviously I ruminate upon this sort of thing a good bit. I should, after all it’s my job to. But still, the concept of cheating on a partner in a committed relationship always causes me to rehearse the line, “what goes around comes around” just one more time.
Why?
Well, it’s simple. We as human beings have a pattern. Whether we like it or not, we tend to be painfully predictable. At the very fiber of our being, what makes up our moral core is going to dominate…every time.
So it follows logically that if you choose to cheat, you are going to live the life of a cheater.
Somebody reading this just said, “Duh.”
I couldn’t agree more. “Duh.” So what is up with all the cheating? There are clear consequences to living that lifestyle, and they basically involve getting what you deserve…infidelity. Essentially, if you build a relationship upon the premise of cheating, how can you possibly expect anything in the future but…more cheating? It has been said that after the first time cheating happens, it is forever easier thereafter to repeat the offense. I think there is decidedly some truth to that concept. Once conscience is breached, the proverbial Pandora’s Box is opened.
Suppose for a brief second that you are feeling bored, sick, unattracted and/or flaky toward you committed partner. You have an affair with someone who “floats your boat” more buoyantly. Yeah, well, both you and your new, apparently exciting friend are CHEATERS. And should you choose to leave your committed partner for your new friend, you will both still be CHEATERS.
The takeaway here is that both YOU and your PARTNER will have built whatever you build together upon CHEATING.
Did you get that? And guess what? You’ll do it again.
Like it or not, cheaters indeed keep cheating. Yours will be a relationship built upon dishonesty and lack of integrity. How do you expect such a union to last? Rest assured it will not.
Meanwhile, your spurned ex will be out deserving what he or she wants. A faithful partner is a good catch.
Will you be left wallowing in the error of your ways? Not if you deserve what you want today…and stay true to the partner you say you love. If there are issues, work them out. If you need to get out more together, make it happen. And if you need to break up an exclusive relationship, do so before heading on to “greener pastures”. The proper thing to do is break off one committed relationship before starting another. This is the only way around the cheating issue. And yes…if you are “separated”…consider thoroughly the importance of waiting until the divorce is final before dating other people. You are still married until that happens, and dating under these circumstances generally raises subtle doubts in the mind of those you go out with.
But for Heaven’s sake…whatever you do, don’t sleep with your brother-in-law just to make a point, okay? It’s not going to lead to happiness.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
It seems these days that couples are doing one of two things in response to ‘the economy’. They are either freaking out or buckling down. In any case, it’s the perfect opportunity to finally establish wise money habits, make sound financial decisions, and create a foundation for success.
In working with couples for the past five years, I have seen one glaring obstacle that shows up over and over again: the lack of basic financial systems and strategies.
A system is a consistent step-by-step procedure for doing something and it’s usually the reason something works or doesn’t. Think organization, method, or formula. In the home, it usually answers the question of “who will do it?” It’s a simple equation yet illusive for a lot of couples.
A good example of a well-oiled system is McDonald’s. Walk into any McDonald’s and you’ll notice all the cups stacked the same way, every uniform matched, every French fry perfectly crisp and salted. We come to trust that a hamburger we order in one McDonald’s will be the same in any other one. Quality is one of McDonald’s formulas for success and they achieve that success by creating the system first.
When couples develop good financial systems and stick with them, amazing results are apt to follow. Without them, couples are much more likely to live in fear and hope: fear that everything will fall apart and hope that it doesn’t.
A strategy is a plan for reaching a goal or obtaining a result. Couple conversations about financial strategies encompass ‘how’ they will be reaching short and long terms goals. Money is just one of the many conversations where couples generally don’t spend enough time and energy. Without a financial strategy, couples often end up 10 years down matrimony lane wondering why they are broke, just getting by, or fighting about money all of the time.
Financial Systems
There are many areas where I advise couples to create consistency by designing systems to establish a financially stable and secure life.
· Recording paychecks and income
· Creating budgets and “rules” for spending (how much for living, saving, investing, playing, education and donating)
· Who will monitor budgets and how often
· Who will handle the mail, sorts bills, file papers
· Who will pay the bills
· Who will handle the children’s financial needs
· Who will contribute to what retirement and how often
· Who will handle investments accounts
· Who will interact with accountants, insurance agents, etc.
Great financial systems, or the lack thereof, will make or break a couple’s financial experience. Getting coaching before problems get out of hand is essential to the health of the couple’s financial future and their relationship, as a couple, to money.
Financial Strategies
In terms of developing strategies, there are many basic questions couples must ask themselves, no matter how long they have been together:
· Where are we financially, right now?
· Where do we want to go i.e., short and long term goals?
· When would we like to be financially free (vs. retire)?
· What methods would we like to use to become financially free? In other words, how will we create financial freedom for ourselves?
· Are we going to work as a team or individually?
· Will one person stay at home if there are children and will one work or will both parents work?
· What investment strategies does each prefer…real estate, stock market or business?
· What expertise does each partner need to provide his or her part?
As you can see, there’s a great deal of planning that must be done in order to build and establish sound financial systems and strategies. But what keeps couples from taking these steps?
The most basic answer to this question is that each person comes into the relationship with a financial blueprint* (from T. Harv Eker’s Secrets of the Millionaire Mind). In other words, each person has preconceived thoughts, beliefs and attitudes about money and wealth and, most often, they don’t mesh.
Instead, they provide areas of major conflict as each individual brings their own background and conditioning into the relationship. When backgrounds are sufficiently different, problems that could have been headed off at the pass with the proper communication, coaching and planning, often escalate into insurmountable issues that end in fights, struggle and even divorce.
So what should you do when you realize that you and your spouse need a financial tune-up? Stop immediately and realize you may not have the tools to sort it out yourself. I always suggest that my clients get a copy of Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, sit down with pen and paper and begin to unearth the roots of the problem. Too often, we continue doing the same things, hoping for different results. It takes courage to look at your limiting beliefs and conditioned ideas about how to handle money, but once you do, you can redesign your relationship with it in a new and supportive way.
If the economy has given you reason to pause and wonder about the stability of your financial foundation, sit down with your partner and take a look. Remember that by putting systems and strategies in place, your finances will be addressed and there will be more room for your relationship with each other!
Elisabeth Donati is the owner of Creative Wealth Intl., LLC and creator of Camp Millionaire, a unique financial intelligence program for youth. She is an expert in teaching the basic financial principles everyone needs in a way that is engaging, empowering and fun.
She is the author of The Ultimate Allowance and the weekly ezine, Financial Wisdom with a TWI$T. For information, visit creativewealthintl.org or call 805-957-1024.
By Alex Allman,
QUESTION
Alex:
I can never tell when my wife is having a orgasm.
Its hard to tell she only makes a weird face and looks away like she is in pain.
Well the screaming thing you were talking about, I really would love her to do that but she is just too quiet for sex and everything else. She has a very soft voice unless she is really mad at me…
How can i make her use her voice?? music really helps??
Thanks,
A.F. from MN
MY ANSWER:
Yes.
As I mentioned in another article… Music really helps.
The reason that your wife has trouble makingnoise when she comes is that she feels self-conscious.
When you play music, especially loud music, (and hopefully music that she likes and thinks is sexy) it drowns out her sounds a bit and helps her feel a bit less self-conscious.
That self-consciousness not only prevents her from making noise, but because she is putting limits and controls on herself, it is preventing her from experience anywhere near the level of sexual pleasure that her body is capable of.
Now… why would your wife be self-conscious about her sexuality?
Well, one clue to the answer to that mystery might be you writing “she only makes a weird face” when she comes.
I can only pray you’ve never SAID that to her…
But even THINKING that way is going to clue her in to the idea that you think there is something WRONG (or weird) with the way she responds to sex.
STOP THAT.
Start making her feel great about it. Make her so proud of her sexuality that wants to scream about it from the mountain-tops…
or… at least in bed.
Yes, the music will help. It will make her feel less self-conscious, and because great sex needs the cooperation of the emotional side of her brain, and music can trigger these emotions, it is definitely a powerful tip.
But…
The there is a bigger issue. She is quiet because she is insecure, and it is the power of a great relationship that we help each other to grow.
Look my friend, she is not your girlfriend, she is your WIFE. You have made a HUGE commitment to each other.
Honor that commitment by setting it as a goal every day to make her feel sexy and desired, and make her feel great about her sexuality.
Yes, every day.
Give her positive reinforcement that she’s sexy, that you love her body, and that you desire the connection that comes from making love.
Don’t just say, “hey, it’s Friday, let’s get it on.” Take the time to seduce her as if you just started dating.
When you do that, she feels like you value her because you made that effort… when you don’t, she feels like you are taking her for granted.
Do not EVER compare her to some actress in a video or anyone you used to date… not even in your own mind.
Just accept that her sexuality is perfect for you. Understand that in marriage, sex is a journey you are taking together. It is part of the way communication happens. It is part of the way you grow. It will change over time… and if you don’t just leave it to random chance, it can grow BETTERover the years.
If you do these things, (and maybe play a little music), I’m sure she will be screaming her head off in the near future.
Alex Allman
Find out more about Alex’s book Revolutionary Sex here.
By Angie Tousignant, ISSA-CPT
Creator of More Love Less Fat
your hectic lifestyle have both you and your spouse complaining that you have ‘NO TIME!’ Do you feel like the juggling act between your career, spending time with your kids, housework, and extra-curricular activities leaves you with little time to just sit and ‘vegge out’ with your partner?
What about your health. Lack of time is the #1 excuse for avoiding exercise. It can be frustrating when you know that you should workout because it will make you feel better, but you’re current time demands have you feeling stressed out as it is.
…So how can you ever find the time for fitness?
Scott and I have found a wonderful way to spend some quality time together and get healthier at the same time. We work out together! This has been a huge success in our marriage. We totally bond and get an awesome workout in at the same time! We are able to share the events of our day, talk about the kids, share our goals, and our passions.
Instead of us “tagging” each other as we leave separately for our workouts we now enjoy getting fit together. There is no resentment, as in the past, when one of us was walking out on the other, leaving them with the dishes and two screaming kids. It’s a team approach. You are both on the same team now.
One of the benefits that I’ve experienced from the home workouts that I do with Scott is that I am a much more relaxed, stress-free, and patient wife. With couples fitness you are giving your spouse the gift of a partner that is happy and energized.
Imagine how your marriage will improve when both of you are experiencing a boost in energy and gaining confidence as you become proud of the body that you are transforming.
With your increased energy and productivity you’ll be able to manage your daily time demands much easier too.
The quality time that you spend getting fit with your spouse will do wonders for your relationship! It will provide you with many opportunities to celebrate your victories and accomplishments together.
Cheers to health,
Angie ISSA - C.P.T.
Find out more about Scott and Angie’s program The Fat Loss Quickie here.