My Notes http://scottphillips.org/blog This is where I put down my notes on all that interests me. Tue, 16 Aug 2011 17:33:34 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/scottphillips/mynoteshttp://feedburner.google.com Fast Changes http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/27/fast-changes/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/27/fast-changes/#comments Sun, 27 Feb 2011 09:14:11 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/?p=574 Continue reading →]]> Подарък иконаикониканализацияNeeded to share this link. I read this and cried, cheered and fell in love. This so very much describes what I am searching for, and in a way describes me as well. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Date a girl who reads | Analyfe

Fast Changes from the album “Seal” by Seal

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]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/27/fast-changes/feed/ 0 Get It Together http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/27/get-it-together/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/27/get-it-together/#comments Sun, 27 Feb 2011 09:02:26 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/?p=572 Continue reading →]]> It has been an interesting week for me on the realization front. My emotions are like a land mine, it takes very little to set me off in one direction or another. I know for sure that I am not in a place to pursue a relationship of any kind. I have even been distant from my friends and family, though I have tried very hard to be there for my kids, especially as they were home from school all week. I realized the other day that most of my friends probably have no idea what is going on with me. I believe that my distancing from everyone was a subconscious way for me to deal with all the emotions caused by my upcoming divorce. I’ve been bottling it all up and hoping it will go away like I have done all my life. Old habits die hard they say, and I am pretty good proof of that. THis situation is what is causing my mini breakdowns. I’ll hear a song and it will trigger some emotion and I’ll either be off, spouting my eternal unrequited love, or screaming in anger at my dashboard and any driver near me. This situation has to change. I have to change, especially if I want to get better and continue my life from here.

I realized through all this that I need to let go. I need to give up on all my illusions that I am clinging to and face the fact that I am a very tired, emotionally spent person. I need to focus purely on me. Move forward with my life as best I can and try to find those things that would bring me joy and happiness. First and foremost I had to start making my life better on even the most basic levels. Start enjoying my friends, contact them, let them know what is going on, and mostly, except any help they are willing to give. They are my friends and they won’t judge me, they will listen, support and offer advice. I also needed to make myself healthier. My diabetes has been out of control for far to long. That is totally under my control. I need to eat more responsibly and take care of my body. How can my mind be healthy when my body is not?

So here I am, coming to the largest crossroads I have ever faced. Maybe if this time, for once, I make the choices for me, and not consider all the outside crap, I can finally find a happier place to be. If I am happier with myself, then all the rest will fall into place. I hope so anyway.

Get It Together from the album “Seal IV” by Seal

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]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/27/get-it-together/feed/ 0 Who we are….. http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/21/who-we-are/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/21/who-we-are/#comments Tue, 22 Feb 2011 02:39:21 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/?p=570 Continue reading →]]> I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. Things are changing for me, actually so fast that I seem to be missing a lot of it. Watching as life passes me by. My relationship with the woman I thought would be the cornerstone of my life has crumbled to dust. Partially because I failed to do the upkeep and keep the mortar fresh. I’ve never been a good person with brickwork, but I also know that it was not completely my fault either. I know that a relationship needs two people to make it work. We have just went our separate ways, and I have come to grips with that.

In evaluating what my life has meant to this point and looking at all my relationships and friendships, I have really let a lot of things pass me by. Fear of losing what I had, though it was already long on it’s way to what it has come to now, kept me from chasing after what my heart told me I should. I had a moment, several years ago now, where my heart nearly stopped. I met this woman, though briefly, who was the most radiant creature I had ever seen. She was quiet, yet glowed with an inner beauty and strength that it astounded me. I met her at a writing group for NaNoWriMo. I found myself staring and probably looking like some sort of creep, I know I looked like some sort of creep. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to this lovely vision, so I just wrote and wrote like crazy. She inspired me to write that night, I think partially to try and impress her. Boy, was I foolish. So after that night I left the small cafe, completely enamored with my muse, my angel. For years now I have pondered what I could have done differently that night. I have wondered if I had just talked to her more, been bold enough to ask her out, or at least been more conversational, could things have been different.

My marriage at the time was already on the rocks, I just couldn’t let it go. Partially for the kids and partially out of fear of being alone. Things happened as they did, I can not change the past. I have followed her closely since. She has a blog that I read daily. When she doesn’t post anything I am disappointed but once she posts something I read it and absorb every word. I have found that my vision of beauty is more than just appearance. She has a grand intellect that sometimes makes me feel small in comparison. She is passionate about everything she does and her work ethic is something we all should aspire to. She has wowed me at many turns and proved to me that my heart, that night several years ago was not wrong. I had been in the presence of someone truly amazing and wonderful.

Most of my mind in the past few weeks has been occupied with all sorts of things that life has thrown at me. Most of it is just garbage that just needs to be ignored. I have though never stopped reading her blog, eagerly waiting her next post. I have commented on several of them, but she doesn’t know what she has come to mean to me. I’m not even sure that I could put in words what she means to me. I know I would give anything to get to know her better, possibly even get up the strength to ask her out for coffee or tea and just listen to her talk. That would be a wonderful day in my book.

Who We Are from the album “Who We Are” by Lifehouse

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]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/02/21/who-we-are/feed/ 0 Greetings from the World of Me! http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/01/03/greetings-from-the-world-of-me/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/01/03/greetings-from-the-world-of-me/#comments Mon, 03 Jan 2011 17:55:57 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/?p=559 Continue reading →]]> Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted an entry here, well anywhere really. A lot of things have changed since I last wrote anything, blog post or story for that matter. I have moved out of my house and now live on my own for the first time every really. Always had roommates and such, so this is a big move, especially at 42. OMG, I’m going to 42 at the end of the month. Where has my life gone?

I am working for a friend from high school and I actually enjoy it quite a bit. I’m basically a jack of all trades, but mostly work on computers and systems and such. I have been able to do some design work lately as well, which I really enjoy and miss doing. The biggest thing that I miss though is writing. I haven’t written anything for long long time, in a galaxy not so far from here actually. It is my own fault really, and with all the changes going on and the re-evaluating of my life that I have have come to realize that I do miss it. I have been making a tremendous amount of changes, which I will detail in later posts, and I need to keep that up.

I’m almost 42, and what is my legacy? I know, I have two lovely children, and they both are incredible, but I need to make an impact with my life. I feel like I have been just watching my life go by, and have done nothing that I can proudly hang my hat on and say “I did that!” I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, and worse that I am letting my fellow man and my kids down. I want them to be able to say, “That’s my dad!” and not feel ashamed. I know big revelations, but I said I’ve been making changes.

I am going to start by posting more here. I need to write every day and writing a blog post is a good place to start. eventually I’ll get back to writing all the stories in my head, believe me they need to get out soon or I’ll explode (not literally though). So starting today, January 3rd, 2011, I’m going to write every day. You can hold me to that too. well I’m off and running now, just got to keep my feet and not stumble. This is going to be a habit and give me a voice to tell the world all about what I am dealing with and going through.

Here is to the new year! Plenty of good things will be coming down the road.

Music that made me think: You Don’t Know How It Feels from the album “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty

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]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2011/01/03/greetings-from-the-world-of-me/feed/ 0 Ahh the joys of being hacked http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/04/15/ahh-the-joys-of-being-hacked/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/04/15/ahh-the-joys-of-being-hacked/#comments Fri, 16 Apr 2010 00:50:32 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/?p=555 Continue reading →]]> трапезни масиI know it has been a while since I last posted, and I will do a post soon that updates everything that is going on. I found out that I lagged behind a bit on my wordpress updates and as a result my site was hacked and I was banned by any decent virus protection. It would seem I am more popular than I though, not!!!! I just don’t understand the thought process behind hacking an innocent blog, such as mine. Now that I am working again (YAY!!!!) and my life is getting interesting again, I promise I will be posting more often.

]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/04/15/ahh-the-joys-of-being-hacked/feed/ 0 All Alone http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/all-alone/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/all-alone/#comments Sat, 20 Mar 2010 04:04:12 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/all-alone/ Continue reading →]]> I was just laying in bed and I realized that I am all alone. I am surrounded by people daily yet I’m alone. It is a very scary feeling to know this. I am alone, completely and utterly alone. No one to catch me when I fall, no one to praise me when I succeed. I am alone in the world with only myself as a guide. I have no one, and perhaps this is for the best. I’m about at the bottom of the well of life. I need to decide if I can climb out of it or just stay down in the muck. Now I know I’m scared, and I know the only help I really have is me. God this really sucks.

]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/all-alone/feed/ 2 Balticon here I come. http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/balticon-here-i-come/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/balticon-here-i-come/#comments Sat, 20 Mar 2010 00:13:31 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/balticon-here-i-come/ Continue reading →]]> Today I finally made the decision to attend Balticon this year. I hope to meet and hang out with all the cool and special people who have touched my life and I can call friend. I am looking forward to some time away where I can collect my thoughts and decide on a path for my life. It has been a long and hard road since last year and I am grateful that I have made it this far but there is much work that still needs to be done before I find out who I am and what I was meant to do on Earth.

]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/03/19/balticon-here-i-come/feed/ 0 Trois: A Tribute to Natalie Morris http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/02/20/trois-a-tribute-to-natalie-morris/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/02/20/trois-a-tribute-to-natalie-morris/#comments Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:15:57 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/02/20/trois-a-tribute-to-natalie-morris/ Continue reading →]]> I am far to late in putting this up but my friend, and my Captain, Tee Morris, lost his loving wife. He put together a tribute to her that I want to share with you all and hope that you will feel as moved as I was. He and his beautiful child are dealing with a loss that I can not pretend to know, but I can feel in my heart the turmoil and pain this loss has caused.

Please help my friend and his daughter, in any way you can.

See his original post here: Trois: A Tribute to Natalie Morris

]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2010/02/20/trois-a-tribute-to-natalie-morris/feed/ 0 Christmas Disaster http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/12/26/christmas-disaster/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/12/26/christmas-disaster/#comments Sun, 27 Dec 2009 02:22:35 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/12/26/christmas-disaster/ Continue reading →]]> ok I know what you’re thinking. The disaster was just that though, I fell down the stairs while headed to my brother in laws house Christmas morning. Oh boy, it hurt a lot. my right leg got trapped underneath me and I slide down nine steps. I feared the worst. As I found out today my fears were unfounded. dianosis: sprained MCL. So lots of pain meds and I get to walk with a cane for a while. I know feel like a very old man, hopefully I can knock a few whipper snappers heads with it.

]]> http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/12/26/christmas-disaster/feed/ 0 Oh its just me again http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/09/13/oh-its-just-me-again/ http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/09/13/oh-its-just-me-again/#comments Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:23:16 +0000 Scott http://scottphillips.org/blog/2009/09/13/oh-its-just-me-again/ Continue reading →]]> Well it has been a LOOOONNNNGGGG time since I wrote one of these. Many things have changed since I have. One thing hasn’t, I’m still unemployeed. My health has gone to pot in the past 7 monthes and I have started on insulin injections. So far the insulin has done nothing to lower my sugars and everything to raise my stress levels. I have to nightly stick a needle in my abdomin. Not fun for the guy who hates needles. Mentally I’m about gone. Depression over not finding a job, failing my family, and an overall apathy toward my ability to be a good husband and father has settled in. I just don’t know what to do.

So there is my quick update as to the status of my life. Maybe I’ll do this more but probably not knowing myself as I do.

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