Screaming Energy Drink Reviews

Power Trip Vitamin Energy Shot Extreme Citrus

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:11:47 EST

Jason's Review
I've been pleased with overall quality and value of the Power Trip product line. For starters, the Vitamin Energy Shot is probably my least favorite of the series. It's pretty thick, and only marginally tastes like citrus. I certainly think the wild claim of "Extreme Citrus" is unmerited. Perhaps "Minimalist Citrus" would be a more fitting title...or "Extreme Phenylalanine". The taste is still not unpleasant, and it's probably as good as 80% of energy shots on the market. The taste is generic, almost like a condensed and uncarbonated energy drink...which is essentially what all the Asian energy drinks are and have been for decades. You can also buy most of these energy drinks for less than $1 at your local Asian market. The one notable difference is that almost all Asian energy drinks contain copious amounts of sugar.

Power Trip suffers the same cap fate as many first generation energy shots; residue around the cap threads. These are harmless, but they're little black/dark brown specs around the mouth of the bottle and the threads. The Stig chose to wipe his residue off with a napkin (like a pansy) and I manned up and drank it, unidentified dark specs and all.

Power Trip's claims to superiority over the other energy shots on the market is "more vitamins". I guess that's why it's a "Vitamin Energy Shot". I guess that's fine, since, like every other 5 hour energy ver. 2.0 carbon copy, it has "about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee" (which I'm getting incredibly tired of hearing). At first glance, it does appear there are more vitamins in here than other shots, but it looks marginal.

Another fate that Power Trip's Vitamin Energy Shot suffers is having a price that insults your intelligence like a movie with Scarlett Johansson. I can get most of the regular Power Trip beverages, which are consistently pleasantly flavored, online for a little over $1 each. Meanwhile, the suggested retail on Power Trips is $2.49. We found a site that listed 12 packs at $24.88, but that was before shipping, so, it probably still works out to about the same, since shipping will probably be at least $5. The price is too high. Roll this out at $1.50 and tell people how asinine they are for paying $3 for 5-hour energy at the store. Here's some free marketing advice. People only mind being called idiots if you don't save them $1.50/day for essentially the same product in the process, or if they're really idiots (and do you really want idiot customers?).

Stig's Review
This drink should be called "False Hope". Upon first glance, I saw that it was EXTREME CITRUS and because I enjoy citrus flavors, I did a small jig of happiness on the inside. I continued to read that this magical fluid was going to help me concentrate and improve my performance. Because I strive for excellence, anything that promises to improve my performance is pretty sweet! I mean who doesn't want to perform better at everything ever. So I flipped the small bottle around to take a gander at the "SUPPLEMENT FACTS". I found that this awe-inspiring serum contains a relative cornucopia of B Vitamins and of course the singular, lonely Vitamin C. I also noted that the shot has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee! A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE!!!

I hesitantly removed the cap for fear of a caffeine explosion. Luckily the monstrous levels of caffeine seemed to be relatively subdued. What I did immediately notice was what appeared to be some mysterious brown chunks and smears around the lip of the bottle. I wiped it off, assuming that it was simply a build up of raw caffeine and B vitamins. Just to be sure that the Power Shot was safe for consumption, I poured it into a glass for some observation. The color was a very Red Bull-esque yellowish color. I took a whiff expecting to smell a bouquet of citrus scents. There were none to be found and my world began to spiral out of control. It smelled like every other random energy drink.

I hoped that the taste would be somewhat citrus like. However, my hope was in vain as there were no hints of orange, dashes of lime, or even a smidgen of lemon. It tastes like every other artificially sweetened energy shot. I though to myself, well at least I'll get that awesome concentration enhancement and performance improvement. And then the unthinkable happened...

There was no concentration gained and my performance was adequate at best. All I wanted to do at this point was go back to bed and wait for some other energy to come to my door full of it's flashy packaging and grandiose promises of concentration and performance. However, I couldn't sleep due to the caffeine levels that rival a cup, full to the brim, of coffee.

The bottom line here is that this is a mediocre product. With a price point of $2.49, I expected a great deal more. The only thing that I can say is that I didn't pass out from an extreme lack of energy, but that typically NEVER happens anyway.

Blood Energy Potion

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:35:06 EST

Jason's Review
Blood energy potion really does taste like real people blood. Hold on. I mean, I know this guy who said it does. Seriously, though, it tastes "fangtasticly" fruity...just like real blood. Ah! Scratch that, what I meant to say was, nothing like real blood.

Ok, enough about people blood. Blood Energy Potion tastes great, like Hawaiian Punch. It's the only other energy shot, besides Harcos' Mana Energy Potion and Redfin Wildberry, where I found myself wishing there was more of the flavor sensation to enjoy.

Having previously worked for the Red Cross, I thought I might be put off by the IV-ish bag full of blood-looking fluid. Visually, the container and the contents are almost as shocking as Hardcore Energize Bullet. This makes a great Halloween party favor. Besides it not sparkling in the sunlight, it should be a hit with all three fans of the Twilight series.

I was pretty energized, since the bag made me think of the Red Cross, I drank one this morning with a handful of cookies. The combination of Blood Energy Potion and all the sugar from the cookies seems to be the magic formula for getting the most out of your $4 investment. That's right, $4, the one drawback. While the novelty of Blood Energy Potion is top-notch, the novelty wears off fast when it's 1 Blood Energy Potion or 1 Magic the Gathering Zendikar booster pack. A chuckle at the company Halloween, some moderate energy and a marginal chance of impressing Tina from accounting? Or a chance at getting another Bloodghast and pwning Tina from accounting with your mad Magic skills and sweet Vampire deck?

I have consumed a total of 3 Blood Energy Potions, I was not profoundly affected by two of them, and I did feel a reasonable boost with the other. Overall, I would say buy this for fun and taste more than energy. ROFL with your friends at the Living with Bloodlust website. The packaging is unique, the taste is good, and with Twilight all in your face, it's a segue into how stupid tween vampire movies are, and how you're only going to see it for Taylor Lautner...certainly not for Kristen Stewart's "acting"...which is one of the seventy four reasons never to watch Adventureland.

Stig's Review
Blood Energy Potion is one tasty beverage. It really reminds me of when I was a kid and loved getting some sweet Capri Sun. Similar to Capri Sun, Blood Energy Potion comes in nifty pouch. Unlike Capri Sun, the Blood Energy Potion pouch looks like a blood transfusion bag complete with bloody finger prints all over it. Harcos, the makers of Health Energy Potion and Mana Energy Potion, have really nailed the packaging on this drink!

The taste of Blood Energy Potion is awesome! It tastes a lot like Rockstar Punched, which in my opinion is one of the best tasting drinks on the market. I expected Blood Energy Potion to be a bit thicker and taste a bit more iron laden, as much as the packaging promotes it's bloody similarities. Overall, the taste is great and you will not be satisfied with just one pouch. The great taste is greatly offset by the cost. The vampire in me loves the blood substitute, but the cheap human in me detests the $3.99 price tag for a 3.4oz pouch. This is especially displeasing when you realize that the human body stores about 5.6 liters of REAL blood. So I can save a lot of money by unleashing my vampiric fury. It appears that Harcos has no desire to stop the slaughter of innocent humans by making their product so price prohibitive that a "honest" vampire would have to resort to illicit activities to pay for the life-giving substitute that he so dearly needs.

The energy aspect of Blood Energy Potion was lacking. I didn't feel particularly energetic after slamming one back. The first one I drank was after a large meal at Red Robin. I had gorged myself on a Chili Chili Cheeseburger and felt quite lethargic. The Blood Energy Potion didn't seem to make much of a difference. The second Blood Energy Potion I had was in the morning on an empty stomach. Once again, I felt no noticeable difference in my energy level.

The upside of Blood Energy Potion is that it's delicious, it's unique, and it gives dumb vamp kids something to drink other than Clamato juice. The downside is that it's pricey and isn't all that energetic.

Hardcore Energize Bullet Blue Rage

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:26:29 EST

Jason's Review
After you've managed to acquire a "Hardcore Energize Bullet" that doesn't have a utility blade in it, you can take a moment to ROFL at its sophomoric branding and marketing. Appreciate that Hardcore Energize Bullet has all the elegance and savoir-faire of any 80's movie with "Bikini" in the title.

We took the following photos from Hardcore Energize Bullet's Myspace to help demonstrate.


Try OB new Super Mega Ultra absorbent. While you're at the store, pick up a box color to touch up your roots, Ric Flair.	This looks like a DVD box cover for (straight to DVD) feature film "Fast Cars, Faster Women" (NR) 54 min. runtime.

Hope that vile vial is filled with Chipotlaway, this Lambo owner's going to need it.	Shhh! Anything you say could only make this scenario more absurd.

This "happy meal" for married folks comes in a "virtually unbreakable container". A container which doesn't stand or store conveniently anywhere. It's almost as if storing and consuming this product wasn't even a consideration in package design.

The smell is utterly medicinal. The taste is surprisingly muted, for something with 300mg of caffeine. I guess you could say it has a very light berry flavor. I didn't taste the artificial sweetener flavor tsunami I often get from 2-3oz energy shots. I only got a fraction of the caffeine bitter aftertaste I'd expected from this much caffeine in this little of fluid.

I wasn't profoundly energized, and the lack of bitter aftertaste left me suspecting that we may have gotten some "stepped on" samples. To be clear, I've added about 100mg of powdered caffeine to about 4oz. of Hawaiian Punch and it tasted like a fruit flavored BC headache powder. 300mg in this 2.9fl oz. energy shot should taste like chewing a couple of Aspirin and washing it down with a thimble of blue liquid adultery.

From strictly an energy drink standpoint, this product is an absolute hoodwink. iSatori spends a lot of time and effort promoting their "unique packaging". Anyone who can process an innuendo as subtle as the "recording artist" Madonna's whorish behavior, probably knows what they're talking about. With that, and the utility blade tampering debacle in mind, all I can think about is the movie "Seven".

Stig's Review
After reading all of the warnings on the tube, I was a bit hesitant to chug the mysterious blue liquid in the non-conventional container. Luckily, I am not afflicted with any of the diseases and/or disorders outlined within the warning so a medical consultation was not required. Also due to my existing exposure to this new-fangled chemical known as caffeine, I decided to fore go the recommendation of only consuming half of the recommended dosage.

The previously mentioned non-conventional container merits discussion in and of itself. From a marketing perspective, it is certainly an attention grabber. While in the display, it definitely resembles a test tube with an alchemist's concoction inside. However, outside of the display it is a bit unwieldy. Due to the round bottom, your only option for an upright tube is to set it on it's lid, which also happens to be slightly rounded. Perhaps the bigger issue is that in the inverted upright position, it may look inappropriate to some passers-by. This may or may not be a selling point to some consumers.

I found the drink to be relatively good for an energy shot. I found the taste to be less medicinal than I had expected with the whopping 300mg of caffeine. It tastes a lot like Berry Blue Kool Aid. My only complaint with the taste comes from the artificial sweetener. Call me old fashioned, but I love sugar. The only reason that an artificial sweetener should be used is if all of the world's sugar supply becomes exhausted or everyone comes down with diabeetus like Wilford Brimley. If you want to make a sugar-free drink, more power to you but I need to have a similar sugar-filled variant.

For the sheer amount of caffeine in the drink, I must say that I was a bit underwhelmed. What I expected was to be bouncing off of the walls with a solid case of the energy jitters. What happened in reality was that I was awake and alert. While being awake and alert is not a bad thing, it is my standard state of being so the effectiveness of the Hardcore Energize Bullet was immeasurable. And when I say immeasurable I don't mean in the "it's way too much" way, I mean it in the "I couldn't tell any real difference" way. In the end, I must say that I found the container to be more hardcore than the beverage portion of Hardcore Energize Bullet.

Efusjon's RAW

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:34:55 EST

Jason's Review
efusjon (which appears to be pronounced eh - fuzz - jun) is a product attached to a "club" program. They have a revolutionary "Pay it Forward" program, which I was unable to identify as having anything to do with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt or Haley Joel Osment. For whatever reason, the efusjon business owner who sent us the efusjon, Darrell Catmull, sent us efusjon "Raw", which is caffeine free. I can't say that, if attempting to directly compete with heavy-hitters like Nitrous Monster, DynaPep, and Jolt that I would have sent the non-caffeinated version of this drink (there are three other versions, Breeze, Dawn and Edge which all have 60mg of caffeine per can) as the initial product for review, but i digress.

I think efusjon tastes pretty good. As described on the can, it's lightly carbonated. I find it refreshing, and not overpowering to the palate. I don't really have a drink I can compare it to, but I can safely say it tastes fruity (not fruity like wedding planner David Tutera, but fruity like something that came out of a juice tiger). It does have a slightly bitter taste, which I would normally say comes from the caffeine, but this has no caffeine. The bitterness isn't really distracting for me, it gives the drink a little bite that tingles in the jaws. efusion Raw tastes a little "dry". As I take a sip, I'm compelled to take another sip, it's good, but not particularly thirst quenching, so I polish off a can in short order, and I'm still thirsty - if not more thirsty.

I drank efusjon raw after a relatively short night's sleep. I expected to be tired all day, and develop a caffeine headache around noon. I drank efusjon around 10am, and had no caffeine until I drank an unsweetened tea at Qdoba around 12:30-1pm. I didn't develop the caffeine headache (or explosive diarrhea) I'd expected, and I felt awake and alert, even though it was a rainy/overcast day. I was pretty impressed. By no means am I putting this on par with most of the heavily caffeinated beverages, but I'd say it's as affective as any other noncaffeinated beverage.

efusion is almost a carbon copy of the Verve! program. A program that didn't work. In fact, we were openly critical of the program. We were contacted by a brand consulting company that asked us our unadulterated opinion about Verve!. I responed, "As a whole, we don't particularly advocate Verve. At the time we reviewed it, it was a part of a pyramid/amway-type program (I realize it may be in your best interest to find discrepancies
within the previous statement). As a whole, if it's not available in a store, or a simple 2-3 click add to cart website, the product has made the acquisition process too exclusive for us. The problem lies
in that there are about 300 energy products I can get in the aforementioned manner. I don't know where Verve! stands now, but efusjon is attempting the same approach, XS Energy has always been through amway/quixtar. No matter how much I like the products, I'm turned off by the people that ultimately represent the products. I get claims from affiliates/members stating that they 'have exclusive rights to distribute this product'. To which the brand consultant responded, "Our company...is working with Verve directly to bring their product to the masses. We're currently working on a complete redesign of both the website and the brand itself. The new website will provide consumers with the ability to purchase the product just like retail without having to go through affiliates or members." While I believe that Verve and efusjon are reasonable products, I think that nearly $3/can for both was a ridiculous price point, having to either become a member, or do business with a "independent business owner" is as rewarding as dropping a deuce in a toilet paperless California pay toilet.

Stig's Review
I was a bit thrown off initially by the odd spelling of "Efusjon". It almost appears that there was perhaps a typo and the can editor just decided that "It's so crazy that it just might work". Unfortunately for them, their zany naming conventions are lost on me. As for the beverage itself, it was overall pretty tasty. I expected it to taste like purple due to the color of the can and I must say that I wasn't disappointed. If you enjoy berries, you'll like this drink because it's chock full of them! Not only does it contain the latest "in" berry in the energy revolution, the acai berry, it also contains blueberry, elderberry and chokeberry.

Now If you're like me, you probably want to know the specifics on something called a chokeberry before shoving it down your throat hole. After doing a bit of research (aka looking it up on Wikipedia), I found that the chokeberry has one of the highest concentrations of antioxidants so I guess that that's a good thing. It's also noted that chokeberries are known for their astringent taste and are typically brewed up with some black currant to get rid of the nasty taste. The good news is that efusjon also includes black currant.

I am a bit concerned about the cost of Efusjon RAW. The average joe price on efusjon is about $2.66 per can. To me, this is an INSANE price for a 8.4 oz can of juice. Now you can get a better price if you enter the efusjon matrix. You can take the red pill and join their affiliate program which could possibly grant you limitless wealth (and by limitless I mean 15 levels deep and $600,000 per month) and power beyond your wildest dreams, as long as that power involves convincing everyone you know to enter the efusjon matrix.

As for the flavor of Efusjon RAW itself, it's not terrible tasting but I did find that it was a bit dry. Also, I didn't feel particularly energized after drinking one. As previously mentioned, the taste can accurately be described as purple. Now I wouldn't say that it tastes like grapes, but it most definitely tastes like something that should be legally required to come in a purple can. If you've ever had a purple Flintstones chewable vitamin, you know the taste that I'm talking about.

From an energy perspective, I didn't feel noticeably more energetic after consuming Efusjon RAW. When I drank it, it was on an empty stomach so that may or may not have something to do with it. According to the can, my body and taste buds should be craving it but I have yet to feel the crave. I'm not sure of the electrolyte content of Efusjon RAW but then again, I'm not a plant so that shouldn't really affect my crave factor.

Crunk Citrus

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:42:17 EST

Jason's Review
I think Crunk Citrus tastes something akin to a mixture of Mountain Dew and Wink (a not-so-mainstream tart citrus drink, usually available in 2-liters). Since these are two of my favorite "standard" (non-energy) sodas, that makes this one of my favorite energy drink flavors. I love the taste of Crunk Citrus like Tom Cruise loves talking about himself.

With a highly affective blend of energizing/arousing ingredients, Crunk Citrus can "be my wingman anytime".

If LRH secretly formulated this energy drink, and you asked Tom Cruise to describe it, I think it would sound something like this, "Crunk understands the responsibility it has to its consumers, when it sees a person thirsty and unenergized, it knows it has to stop and do something, because it's the only drink that can. People are depending on Crunk. World leaders and leaders in every area of science, society, government, finance, farming, fantasy card games and widdling; they're all looking for energy, and they welcome the energy that Crunk will give them with open arms. I'm awesome, and I drink Crunk because it's awesome, because I drink it, which makes it awesome. I LOVE THIS ENERGY DRINK! It's magnificent. We go scuba diving together. It likes all the stuff that I love to do, it's funny and smart. You don't know anything about the history of psychology, Crunk does!"

Even with all the the complimentary things my imaginary Tom Cruise has to say about Crunk Citrus, you can grab hold of one for only $1.79...show me the money. Do you love Crunk Energy? I love Crunk Energy! SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Thanks to the fake Tom Cruise for his endorsement of Crunk Citrus, and let's collectively pray that the we want have to hear more mindless drivel from the real Tom Cruise...and that he won't make another Mission Impossible movie...or any other movie.

Stig's Review
I think the whole Crunk line is genius. I enjoy every flavor, and every member of the Crunk product line delivers on its promises.

So, I believe, to say that Crunk Citrus is my favorite is saying a lot. Superlatives like "best" and "worst" really help separate the overachievers from the rest of the pack. Like, "among all the dirty politicians I've disagreed with for years, whom I believe to have fathered children and misused campaign funds to cover up the affair and the child, meanwhile promising to marry his partner-in-crime after his wife died, I think Jon Edwards is the worst...Ted Kennedy is probably a close second" or "Among all the founding fathers that I believe would vehemently disagree with political agendas that increase the American people's dependence on the government, I like Thomas Jefferson the best."

Crunk tastes light and refreshing, like a generously carbonated lemonade. It's tart, flavorful, and served iced-cold, it goes down so smoothly, the only disappointment you'll likely experience is that it's gone so quickly. Even with 29g of sugar per serving (more than Monster) this drink doesn't seem thick and syrupy at all, then, I've never let one sit and get warm, which could change things.

As with all the Crunk drinks, I believe this drink energizes, stimulates, arouses, refreshes invigorates and replenishes. 100% of the claims on the rim of the can are satisfied.

I acquired Crunk Citrus at a local gas station for $1.79, which I feel is reasonable for a tasty 16oz. beverage that provides a good deal of energy. I have no suggestion for improving this product. While the price could always be lower, compared to its competitors, I think Crunk Citrus is an exceptional value, and on two occasions in the same day, it was my drink of choice over many other popular brands.

Nitrous Monster Super Dry

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:19:29 EST

Jason's Review
I have no idea what nitrogenating water is supposed to accomplish. On top of that, I complained about 15oz. Java Monster Mean Bean costing $2.79, it was 3oz. bigger, and contained milk (which thousands of arguments confirm should cost more than regular unleaded gasoline by the galloon). Nitrous Monster costs $2.99 for 12oz. That's Red Bull prices. So, before we even get past first base (which I think is hand holding/necking), I don't recommend you buy this product.

Imagine we live in a fantasy world where Hansen admits that Joker Mad Energy is essentially the same drink as Monster, only a fraction of the price. Then imagine they make a Nitrous Joker Mad Energy that costs $1, and that I bought a can. I'd absolutely love the flavor. This drink has 38g of sugar and an undisclosed amount of sucralose for additional sweetness. I'd normally say that's overtly sweet, but it's possible that the sucralose makes it extra sweet without being too syrupy. While I like the flavor, I need a glass of water to wash it down. This time of year, my allergies get pretty bad. It almost seems like Nitrous Monster chemically bonds with my sinus drainage to make an unswallowable/unhockable sludge that serves to constantly clog my air passage. Ultimately, I think "Super Dry" is a very fitting name.

Whatever they do to carbonate/nitrogenate this drink, it does have a different fizz than other drinks. I'll admit I enjoyed what I'll describe as the "texture" of the drink. It doesn't seem to go flat quickly. The drink smells very fruity, and almost smells like it should have coconut in it. I think the best way to describe the flavor is to take a gas station slurpy (the kind where you squirt the flavor syrup in yourself), triple the recommended amount of lime syrup, over-carbonate it and enchant it to add +1 strength and +1 agility to your off-hand weapon.

I feel pretty energized when I drink Nitrous Monster...I mean fictional Nitrous Joker Mad Energy. I don't get all jittery, but I also feel plenty awake and alert.

While this drink is good, I feel that you're paying for the packaging, gimmicky 'nitrogenation' and the fat salaries of the people who get paid mad loot to devise things you'll pay 600% retail markups for. So, while I'll be giving this excellent marks for taste and energy, at $3, this drink is absolute rubbish for the discriminating energy drink consumer.

Stig's Review
Fistly, I just noticed on this can that this Monster is made by the "Monster Beverage Company". Not sure how long that's been going on. I guess the further they get away from the value proposition/mission statement of Hansen Natural, it makes sense to distance themselves from their only profitable venture. Of course, they surely aren't aloof about their relationship with Monster on the Hansen "Investor Relations" page. I guess Monster is 100% "Monster Beverage Company", except on all matters relating to who formulates it, produces it, packages it, and gets all the money.

Disregarding my personal politics about Hansen/Monster, Nitrous is a quality product. It tastes like an overly carbonated Mountain Dew/Sun Drop mix. Very tart, and tingly. I don't particularly think the green can tastes like original Monster, which is sort of what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I like original Monster, but I was pleasantly surprised. I thought this drink tasted better than I expected. It's very thick, which should be apparent from the reasonable helping of 38g of sugar and 300mg of sodium. I think it's a fun sipping drink, but guzzling it down does little to quench your thirst, in fact, like drinking sea water, this might actually serve to further dehydrate you...I guess eventually causing dementia.

I have no idea what all the rambling on about nitrous oxide, 'drags' and 'whip-its' is about. I guess Monster is just trying too hard to try to seem cool to their 12-14 year old target market. At least it's more on target than that calamity of an ad campaign 5-hour energy is using to alienate that very aforementioned market. On that note, I'm not sure where Monster is going with this 'whip-it' thing. Why would I want my energy drink to make me feel sleepy/lazy and laugh hysterically like a jackass while my friends and I debate the finer points of parts of our anatomy we, in our ignorance, believe are otherwise unnamed? (Which Nitrous Monster doesn't do at all) Like smoking pot, huffing gas and other things that make you more stupid than you already are, 'whip-its' is an excuse to not do something constructive, while you talk about 'your band', the same one you've been talking about for 4 years, meanwhile you know 6 lead-guitarists, don't have a single song written, have only done covers of Tool songs (who are so old now, no one in an audience would even know who they are)...trust me, I spent last weekend driving teenagers around and giving them free candy, if you're not the Jonas brothers, you're 'music my parents listen to'.

At $3/can, I'd have to have done some 'Whip-its' to pay that much for this drink. It's a great drink, and works great. Unfortunately, there are 50 cent drinks, made by the same company, like Joker Mad Energy that fit that very bill. Is Nitrous Monster better? Sure, I think it tastes better, and probably has more of a punch, but $2.50 better?

Plasma Fusion Energy

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:01:50 EST

Jason's Review
OK, so, we don't review "energy mixers". I can only imagine this branding is intended to accommodate some niche market. Meanwhile, I'd prefer drunk people feel drunk, instead of driving home after getting royally pissed at the local watering hole, because Plasma helped, "combat the negative effects of alcohol". Interestingly, this company makes an energy drink, the only product not made available to us. So, like I told the guy who makes energy bloody mary mix, I'll drink it straight up, and review it.

I'd hoped to show a Youtube video to demonstrate this, but only 7-9 minutes clips were available, and I'm a firm believer that no Youtube video should be longer than 2 minutes. But, if you're a Futurama fan, you'll get my analogy, If Red Bull was regular Slurm, Plasma Fusion Energy tastes like Ultra-Condensed Super Slurm. Thick enough to shovel in your mouth with your hand. Unfortunately, Fry's propensity to drink Super Slurm indicated that it tasted extra pleasant. I'd described Plasma Fusion as average, at best. IMHO, Plasma Fusion is about 3 extra tablespoons of water from being a can of hard candy.

It's energizing, if you can drink the whole can. Almost every attempt I made ended with half a can of flat soda. The only way it was drinkable, to me, was to put it over about 12 moon-crescenty- ice pieces and let if melt about half way. This made it seem more like you were drinking fluid instead of Plasma. Even though I think "plasma" the fourth state of matter, chemically speaking is actually more akin to a gas, Plasma may be the 5th state of matter, which is somewhere between a liquid and a solid.

I think Plasma costs too much, doesn't serve a practical purpose for the majority of our readers (people interested in energy to do productive things, not save their liver from binge-drinking), and offers only a reasonable helping of energy.

Stig's Review
It tastes like syrup, a lot like I'd imagine the urine of a gamer who drank Mountain Dew and sweat a lot would taste like. It also makes your wee bright colors, which shows up more obviously on your white toilet lid cover when you stumble into the toilet half-asleep and realize that your barbaric wife forgot to put the seat up, like a civilized human being.

As an energy drink, Plasma performs up to par. It has an interesting mix of ingredients, comparable in uniqueness to Crunk!!! or Pimpjuice Anti-Oxidant Energy Drink. The notable difference being that both Crunk and Pimpjuice both taste great.

From myspace, we followed a link to buy Plasma. There, we found cases of 24 drinks for $39.99. Shipping to our address was $12.95, so total, you've got $2.20/each tied up in each 16oz. can of Plasma Fusion Energy. Too rich for my blood, and aside from being pricey, it's simply not to my liking.

NOS Energy Powershot

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:50:59 EST

Jason's Review
As we've all been told, "If you don't have anything 'good' to say, don't say anything at all." With that in mind, it's good that I'm done drinking NOS Energy Powershot. It's also very good for them that I didn't review it immediately after drinking it. Furthermore, it's good that I never have to buy another one.

I'm sure somewhere there's a person that wants their energy shot to smell and taste like fruit flavorless extra-mediciney cough syrup. It's very likely that those people also don't want their energy shot to make them exceptionally more energetic. That very small demographic of rich people who want to spend a lot of money for a product that offers those exact features are going to love NOS Energy Powershot.

So, it's good that I won't be buying any more of these, because that means that there will be scores of these dust-covered bottles of gall for those indiscriminate shoppers who like overpaying for hot garbage in a poorly color-coordinated package.

Stig's Review
To anyone from NOS reading this review, I'll apologize for its undeviating ridicule of your product as soon as you apologize for making NOS Energy Powershot in the first place. You don't have to do EVERYTHING that every other company is doing. Just because Monster and every other energy drink company decided to follow 5-hour energy's lead and make a bad tasting, overpriced, marginally effective energy shot, doesn't mean you had to as well. The fact is, and I've said it before, 5-hour energy is outdated, there are more effective, better tasting products on the market, particularly if you're willing the pay the $3/each that they're still asking for 5-hour energy in convenience stores.

We don't re-review drinks, fact is 2-4 years ago, when we reviewed 5-hour energy, those were pretty good, and if you wanted a 2oz. energy shot, they were one of the only games in town, along with Stacker 2 Yellow Jackets (which is one of the few products I'd put on par with NOS Powershot), Rocket Shot (which you'll note, or review for pre-dates 5-hour energy), or Upshot (which you'll note we rated perfect 10s on energy, and totally deplorably on taste). Point being, you couldn't have the best of both worlds, and we truthfully believed that anything strong and small had to taste bad. I still speculate that 5-hour energy tried to combat this by nerfing the caffeine potency from the original formula. Taking all this into account, if we did re-review 5-hour energy, in light of new products, like, 925 Energy Power Shot and Redfin, it would get much lower marks. This is evidenced by our more recent review of chaser's "top of the line" product 5-hour energy extra strength, which I think is far more indicative of where 5-hour energy's strongest product fits into today's market.

So, why all the fuss? There are good products out there, like 925 and Redfin, but people are still talking about 5-hour energy, and people are still making "5-hour energy-like" products. This one seems like it was shoveled out to market so fast that they just skipped the taste test (they must have, because there's no other explanation for letting it out the door). This has 75mg less caffeine than redfin, same amount of fluid, and while redfin goes down smoothly, NOS Energy Powershot burns in your throat like swallowing the remnants of your own vomit. I didn't even really detect a flavor that was supposed to mask the caffeine bitterness. I tastes almost like they poured headache powder into a bottle with some water and sugar, then let that concoction soak with a AA battery for a few weeks before distributing it to the unwelcoming general public. Here's an idea, if you're going to slap a purple label on a product, after you've already made a enjoyable canned grape product that comes in a purple package...try making the purple labeled product grape flavored. I know, that sounds insane, but it's probably a better idea than making it "BC Extra Strength Headache Powder" flavor.

In all fairness, this is probably as good as a lot of other energy shots on the market. The taste is so bad, and the price is so high, it's just against everything in me to say anything good about this product. So, if you want to waste $3 on a product that taste like your own throw up, your reward will be an energy experience that's comparable to the outer to middle ring of an energy shot skee ball roll.

To give you an idea of how swindled I feel having spent $3 on NOS Energy Powershot, I believe I'd rather spend $3 on any combination of other products within the store that tally up to $3, including box of 8 super absorbent pantie-liners and nudie tattoo book from the bathroom vending machine.

Monster Hitman

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:53:03 EST

Jason's Review
This energy shot is very sweet and thick. I enjoy the flavor, it's not bitter, like many energy drinks. This could be due to a inordinate amount of glucose and sucrose, or it could be skimping on the caffeine. They certainly aren't skipping on is taurine (2g) or panax ginseng (400mg), which it would seem equates to nearly 2.5g of virtually wasted bottle space, IMHO.

While it tastes pretty good and the stats all seem in order, nothing about this drink hit me as profoundly powerful. Drank it after a good night's sleep, had a lot of things to do, drank it relatively quickly and it just never "kicked in". Sure, I never got tired, and it managed to keep me from getting a caffeine headache, but for $3.29, I expect a little more.

This product is packaged well, and tastes good, compared to other energy shots. Personally, I chuckle a little inside each time I see a untouched rack full of these collecting dust (along with the Red Bull shots). The 3 oz. approach, and shiny packaging are a desperate plea for attention. There attempt to nose in on the already established "5 hour energy" market is pitiable, like the "Ronald McDonald Miller" scam in "Can't Buy Me Love". Whatever happened to Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) anyway? While it's great that Patrick Dempsey parlayed his roles of throwing bags of dog poop on doors and sleeping with married women as a pizza delivery guy into an "acting career", I think the better half of that lovely '87 coming-of-age-paying-for-popularity-comedy may have well gotten the shaft. Either way, I don't think Patrick Dempsey or Amanda Peterson would drink Monster Hitman, and I'll only drink it again, if Monster starts using a portion of the proceeds to find Amanda Peterson...and make a "Can't Buy Me Love 2".

With a $3.29 price tag, there should be lots of profits. One trick about net profit is that you have to sell products, or markup is irrelevant. At least around here, this product seems to be doing poorly. I wiped dust of this bottle cap. Then again, checking out at the convenience store is becoming a daunting task. If they setup many more horny goat weed, ginseng power, weight loss pills, and energy shots to accompany the relatively new lotto ticket dispensers, the sales clerks are likely to go missing...like Amanda Peterson. With that many products, the store counters are starting to look more like a mini flea market, and to me, it all just looks like dust covered garbage. So, just like anything available at the flea market (besides Laserdisc copies of "Can't Buy Me Love"), you'll find Monster Hitman is a cheap knockoff that leaves you disappointed.

Stig's Review
How to start? Maybe by saying that Monster Hitman is a waste of money. A hurried response to a multi-million dollar energy shot market that Monster overlooked as clearly as Pepsi overlooked energy drinks the better part of a decade ago. Monster, along with Red Bull, NOS, and about 5 other "late-to-market" players have been vying for that coveted counter space next to C-store checkout. Where does Hitman succeed? At being shiny. Where does Hitman fail? Everywhere else.

If Mixxd and Rumba Energy Juice weren't so bad, I'd say Hitman is the worst drink Hansen Natural has ever created. Let me be clear, it doesn't taste bad, and it works ok, but it's $3.29. To boot, it tastes like a less appetizing version of Carabao, M-150 and a slew of other 3.3-8.3 oz. Asian energy drinks that can often be purchased at the asian market for around $1. On top of that, I didn't find it any more energizing than those products. In fact, I'll take a 79 cent 3.3oz. Bacchus over a $3.29 3oz. Hitman any day.

Sure, this shooter works, if by "works", you mean it accomplishes something akin to its goal, with no regard to cost. If that's the case, the US welfare, social security program and postal service all "work" as well. As a numbers guy, I like to think there's some consideration for return on investment. For $3.29, this drink provides a taste that's better than most energy shots (which isn't saying a lot), and an experience that's not.

I'm hoping that Monster Nitrous isn't as disappointing as this product. It's currently unavailable in my area, and Monster (unlike Starbuck's, Mountain Dew, and a gaggle of other major players) doesn't feel like making the product available to us prior to release is a worthwhile endeavor. With regards to Monster Hitman, it's probably just as well they didn't get it to us early on, we likely could have helped a lot of people steer clear of this impulse-buy debacle.

Red Bull Cola

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:25:49 EST

Jason's Review
Years ago, I posed the question, "Why do all energy drinks have to have this, 'new flavor'?" The question was geared toward this mass movement towards exotic flavors like, "passionfruit", "mango", "tamarind", "guava" and even more recently "coconut". "Why doesn't someone just come out with a better cola? A more energizing iteration of flavors people already like?". Well, Jolt Power Cola was the first to resoundingly respond to that request, and, I rewarded its offering with a 9/10 energy rating, 10/10 taste, and 9/10 value.

Jolt Power Cola (now available in sizes smaller than the 23.5oz. 'aluminum heart attack' size), did actually come up to a better value as a function of price/oz., but this 12oz. can is handy, and 12oz. of cola is a pretty portable size, and easy to enjoy before it gets warm or goes flat.

I prefer the taste of Red Bull's Cola to Jolt, and not by much, as the Stig mentioned, it's likely that the caffeine content is the primary difference in the taste, so with bitterness comes more energy. This drink doesn't disappoint in the way of energy, but it's no Jolt, and I think that's ok. This is a "stimulating refreshment", which is how they describe it accurately on the can. I think it's stronger and better tasting than a Coke or a Pepsi, and I think that's what they set out to achieve.

I personally think it's a good value, one may argue that a 16oz. Monster is usually $1.99. At this point, let's be honest, original Monster is still a good drink, but I've arguably consumed 1,000 of them, and even something as awesome as Monster gets old. Red Bull Cola is a welcomed twist on an old favorite, in my book, and may well become a new favorite.

Lastly, for anyone who knows my feelings on American-made Red Bull products, knows that this drink had a tough row to hoe. I would go as far as to say I dislike traditional Red Bull (though I occassionally get a craving for one...maybe it's the cocaine). This cola is, without question, the best product they make.

Stig's Review
We were fortunate enough to sample this drink almost a year ago, but for whatever reason, we didn't review it. If you've heard of Red Bull Cola, it may very well be from news reports about Germany banning the Red Bull Cola after traces of cocaine are found. Time magazine reports 0.13 micrograms of cocaine, to be exact. Meanwhile, also in the news, 90% of paper money in the United States contained "traces of cocaine" ranging from .006 micrograms to 1240 micrograms (about 50 grains of sand), *this information provided by 238th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society. So, Germany may also want to consider a cocaine ban on American money. In early June, most testing of the product came back with no traces of cocaine, meanwhile Taiwan's test reports traces of cocaine in every canned Red Bull product on the market.

Ultimately, it's such a trace amount, it wouldn't matter. Cocoa leaves are debatably used in the manufacturing of every cola. Normally a cocao leaf is "decocainized", which it's speculated Coca-Cola has done since 1903, before which, Coca-Cola contained cocaine. Ultimately, Red Bull got some free advertisement, and I'm not sure it matters. Despite this being a wonderfully flavored cola, reasonbely priced (we bought this 12oz. can for $1.69) and rather energizing, these drinks (at least in the US market) aren't flying off the shelves.

To be very clear, the taste of this cola is very much to my liking. It's not quite as bitter as Jolt Power Cola, which probably means it doesn't contain as much caffeine. The drink itself seems less thick to me than a standard Coke or Pepsi (neither of which I've probably drank in the past few years). It also has a pleasant, non-syrupy aftertaste. This syrupy, non-thirst-quenching film is one of the reasons I stopped drinking Coke, Pepsi and some other "brown sodas", as I call them.

Now, this doesn't have the complex blend of herbs, Harry Potter potions that we've come to expect from "sophisticated" or "proprietary" energy blends. This pretty much replies on the Jolt formula of sugar and caffeine. I whole-heartedly support that institution.

Our biggest gripe with Red Bull has always been price. A 12oz. can of regular Red Bull is $2.99. You might expect when they rolled out a Cola it would also be ludicrously priced, especially when it's purported to contain trace amounts of cocaine, but no. $1.69 for the 12oz. can, and the 8.3oz can will cost you only $1.29, at the location we purchased this drink. This soda is an all-around win. It's like someone giving you "Madonna" tickets right before you need to use a toilet-paperless public toilet.