Screaming Energy Drink Reviews

Monster Rehab Protean Plus Energy

Tue, 22 May 2012 16:38:12 EST

Jason's Review

Today we're reviewing the third of four Monster Rehab tea, energy re-hydration drinks. This one contains 15g of protein per can, so they cleverly named it "Protean Plus Energy". You see what they did there?

The protein plays the biggest role in my enjoyment of this drink, or lack thereof, but we'll get back to that. The tea flavor isn't pronounced at all. The initial flavor is more akin to a watered down berry beverage than tea. As I'm chugging it down, it seems light and refreshing. Then, like Jim Jones Kool- Aid, the secret ingredient rears it's ugly head.

Too soon?

For me, the protein collects into some gelatinous bit that resembles the chewier parts of an oyster. Then there's a dry chalky after sensation, like I've been drinking Parmesan cheese. In short, Monster executed 15g of protein in their energy tea far less successfully than Xapp executed 25g of protein in their caffeinated protein energy drink. As a result, this is my least favorite Monster Rehab drink, and my least favorite protein energy drink.

Like all Monster carbonated drinks, coffee and tea products, I've got no problems with the energizing ingredients. As for value, almost every convenience store in my area have these priced at $2.49, but, despite having no signs about a sale or promotion, without fail, when I get to the counter, the attendant is like, "You know, those are 2/$4?". To which I respond, "An obvious assumption, since I'm holding 1 for $2.49. I'd also like to pay MSRP for this Ace of Base CD I picked up from your $3 music and pork skins trough". I'm fine with Rehab drinks for $2, but my preference is always going to be the lemonade flavor.

In closing, since everyone gets sand in their craw when I badmouth Monster, I want to reiterate that the whole "Vegas Pool Party" drivel on the back of the can barely deserves a passing grade as a final project in a freshman intro to marketing class.

Stig's Review
I commend Monster for bringing a Protein energy drink to the market, albeit, after Xapp Protein Energy with Caffeine
, less energizing than Xapp, with a less savory taste than Xapp, and with protein that doesn't go down as smoothly as Xapp. But, and this is where Monster trumps Xapp (sarcasm, btw) it's usually 10 cent cheaper, and it has tea in it. Oh, actually, I know why it's better, it contains Goji berry, an ingredient also found in Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink, perhaps the worst energy drink ever made.

Seriously though, not impressed. As the Monster Rehab carnival rolls through town, and I try more of them, I'm more convinced they should have left well enough alone with the original Lemonade Arnold Palmer Tea ripoff they came out with last year. I've had all of the flavors except the Orangeade, which I've yet to see available in my geographic area, and they have been less appealing in the order I've had them. Firstly, and most enjoyably the Lemonade Tea, secondly, and certainly drinkable the Rojo, thirdly, and becoming unsavory, Green Tea, lastly, this mess, the Protean protein tea. I'm not particularly looking forward to Orangeade, but it's probably better than the last two, and I can't imagine it not being better than Rockstar Iced Peach Tea, which I've had and didn't enjoy, but have not yet reviewed.

In either case, the protein is just there, I don't see how you can avoid it. About half way through the can, it felt like I had an enormous loogie in the back of my throat. The aftertaste was more of an aftertingle. I haven't had Teaberry gum in years, but something about either the taste or the aftertaste of Monster Rehab Protean brings Teaberry gum to mind. This drink is not completely offensive, but it's one of my least favorite Monster drinks, and I've never needed 15g of protein enough to choke down the chunky protein buildup.

I believe $2 (which is the price we're reviewing these, as apparently there's an undocumented universal 2 for $4 sale on these) is a fare price for Monster Rehab drinks. I can't imagine a lot of people who aren't involved in bodybuilding or fitness caring a great deal about the protein, and I neither imagine a great deal of people finding this flavor more appetizing than the others. Additionally, the extra 40 calories per serving should turn away a lot of people interested in Rehab's otherwise mainstay 10 calorie value proposition.

Sheets Energy Strips

Tue, 15 May 2012 13:22:13 EST

Jason's Review

About a month ago, I was in Dick's Sporting Goods and I got the sheets. Since then, I've taken a sheet at the table, my desk, the kitchen sink, and in a stairwell. The sheets look like tiny fruit rollups, they taste bitter, dissolve rather quickly, and are as energizing as most mainstream 2oz. Energy shots.

Let's start with the delivery method. Sheets energy strips are very much like fruit rollups. You peel open a metallic package that's roughly the size of a business card. Inside is a much smaller red rectangular bit that looks like a delicious chewy fruit snack. You can't always judge a book by it's cover, then again, Madonna looks like the crypt keeper dressed as a transvestite prostitute, so sometimes the cover is a dead giveaway. In this case, it's not. Sheets energy strips are cinnamon flavor, but after that wears off, you'll get a powerful bitter, albeit short-lived, caffeine aftertaste. In my opinion, far more palatable than a vast majority of the energy shots, namely 5-hour energy.

I love energy drinks, so convenience is one of the only reasons for me to drink energy shots. Some people like that energy shots are usually sugar free, additionally, some people don't like the taste of energy drinks. I'm in neither of those camps. In any of these three cases, I consider sheets superior to most energy shots. Concerning convenience, I could carry like 200 of these in my laptop bag. Unlike 2oz. Energy shots, I can even carry these in my pant pocket without awkward social interactions, laden with sexual innuendos. For the diabetics and anorexics, you will find sheets equally as sugar free, and comparably savory.

I cannot perceive a significant difference between the effectiveness of taking one Sheet and a 2oz. 5-hour energy shot. If one Sheet is not enough, the Sheets packaging says to take 1-3 for desired energy level. As an added bonus, these come in boxes of 10, and we paid $5 for a box. So, even if you take 3 (which is about 2 Red Bulls worth of caffeine), you've only invested $1.50, a fraction of the $2.99-$3.29 for which most retail stores are currently raping 5-hour energy customers.

**Correction, the video says 4x the caffeine of a Red Bull, this was our failure to see that Sheets's serving size is 2 Sheets.

At first, I was skeptical of Sheets, but after using it for several days, it's one of the most convenient and portable energy delivery methods, the tastes is above average for condensed energy products, and it delivers a reasonable energy boost at a fraction of the cost of comparably energizing products.

Stig's Review
Jason and I differ on one key point with Sheets Energy Strips, the aftertaste. I find it pronounced and lingering. I quite enjoy the cinnamon flavor, but after about 5 seconds, it's all bitter chewable aspirin flavor for the foreseeable future.

Everyone here thought Sheets were logically 1 strip per serving, until I wrote the "active ingredient" section. How lame can you get? 1 serving is 2 strips. Anyway, so, we all agreed that this is still an effective product, and comparable in effectiveness to most energy shots, even with 1 strip. The value proposition, compared to industry leaders like 5-hour energy, is still quite strong. Additionally, these are superior to almost any other product than DynaPep in convenience and transportability.

Particularly for travel, camping, hiking, biking, concerts, sporting events, etc., this is one of the best products on the market. Easy to put in your pocket, take it if you need it, otherwise, save it for later. Lots of convenient places to store it, a reasonable pick-me-up and for most people, you can probably get comparable energy to the product you're currently using at about 1/3 of the price.

Red Bull Total Zero

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 11:27:36 EST

Jason's Review

I haven't had a sugar free Red Bull in nearly a decade. Yesterday, I found Red Bull Total Zero at the store. Now, I don't remember how bad Sugar Free Red Bull was, but I can't imagine it's anywhere nearly as sickening as Red Bull Total Zero. This Red Bull tastes like someone put a twist of grapefruit into sea water. The amazing part is, it's not very high in sodium, so I have no idea what makes it taste like something with which you'd clean your contacts. Everything about it tastes "chemical". If I was given this product in a blind taste test, the tart bite and unpleasant aftertaste are the only thing that would make me guess it's part of the Red Bull franchise. We've never sung the praises of Red Bull, at least the carbonated mess we get here in the states, with that in mind, this is still, by far, the worst of the Red Bull energy drinks.

With a puny smattering of vitamins, and barely enough caffeine to keep me from getting a withdrawal headache, I can't help but reiterate, as we have so many times, that Red Bull is one of the worst energy products on the market. Let's pretend for a second that Red Bull wasn't less effective than taking a B-Complex daily vitamin with a 12oz. Glass of Coke, and that Coke doesn't taste infinitely better, even then, $2.19 is about $1 overpriced. In its current state, Red Bull Total Zero is about $2.19 overpriced.

Viewers and readers, I'm begging you, stop throwing money away on Red Bull. It's an inferior product in every way. At the time of this review, none of the following companies are paying me to say this, but if you want a carbonated drink that tastes great and gives you energy, all of these (in no particular order) are better, in every way than Red Bull:

Jolt Blue or Power Cola
Bawls Guarana
Power Trip's entire product line
NOS Grape
pretty much any Rockstar
Crunk!!!
Monster (any of them besides Mixxd, Assault and Khaos)
any Rip-It
Joker Mad Energy (which are sometimes at Big Lots, and are pretty much repackaged Monster)
Vault
Mountain Dew
Caffeine Free Diet Coke
and even Amway's XS Energy products

Pretty much just buy anything but Red Bull. I'd say, the only product that isn't better is Wat-aah! $1.50 water.

Stig's Review
At least Red Bull is sparing in their release of useless product, unlike Monster, which isn't afraid to release a bad product directly out of the R and D, without even testing to see if the average consumer can open the container. So sparing is Red Bull, that Red Bull Cola, which came out about 3 years ago, is one of the few Red Bull variations, and I believe was the best product they've ever made. It tasted great, was 12oz., had attractive packaging, and was about 25% cheaper than regular Red Bull. On the other hand, their other endeavor, the Red Bull Energy Shot was a $3 calamity. Total Zero is unique in that it's the first addition to the original Red Bull line of drinks (meaning it's the same base flavor formula, like Monster Absolutely Zero to Monster Lo-Carb.

I'm going to start by saying, unless you're so diabetic that you die when you consume 3g of carbs, there's no reason to buy Red Bull Total Zero. Everything about it is bland and pointless. The can is warm and welcoming as a winter day in the famine-stricken Soviet Bloc. The contents of the can aren't must more pleasant. Adding Red Bull Total Zero to the mix changes the old Red Bull line up from, "the drinkable one, and the bad one" to "the drinkable one, the bad one, and the undrinkable one". For those who complain regular Red Bull is overtly sweet, this is the only possible selling point for Total Zero. I think Total Zero taste mostly bitter. That's not to say it isn't laden with artificial sweetener, it just lacks that thick, candy-sweet characteristic of regular Red Bull. I can't taste much difference in the base flavor, tart and unpleasant, just like the others.

I don't even feel like we need to talk about price. This drink is $2.19. It's as much a rip off as investing in 1987 topps or 1989 fleer baseball cards. The energy level is minimal, even for a lightweight.

Hype Energy Organic with Aloe Vera

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:06:19 EST

Jason's Review

Today we're reviewing a rather effeminate-looking Hype Energy Organic. I know, men can wear pink, and carry around pink cans, but traditionally they don't, or they get picked on and bullied. Believe me, I know, I wore pink to youth group last week.

After opening Hype, the pink began to make more sense. Hype Energy Organic smells like bubble gum. What's more manly than a big wad of pink bubble gum shoved in your mouth on the pitcher's mound? Not only does it rot your teeth with sugary sweetness, it sets you on the road to having parts of your face removed after years of habitual tobacco use, and that's manly.

The delight continued, as Hype Organic also tastes a bit like Dubble Bubble. The taste of aloe vera is more prominent in Hype Organic than in Go Girl Glo, making it taste a bit like suntan lotion. I believe it's also the aloe vera that leaves a strange residue causing a lingering aloe aftertaste.

Of the two Hype Organics I opened, I finished one, and forgot about the other. This could be partially because of the abdominal distention I experienced that day from the previous night's ill-advised Taco Bell run. You tend to set things down and forget about them when you're experiencing extreme bowel duress.

Overall, Hype provides moderate and sustained stay-awake energy, comparable to the other Hype beverages. For taste, I'd prefer any of the previous Hype offerings. If you're looking for aloe vera in an organic drink, well, this is your obvious choice. Otherwise, I'd go for the original Hype.

Stig's Review
The Hype Energy Organic can is bright and colorful, like what I'd expect a Mrs. Donkey Kong video game box to look like. I feel like the colors and marketing strategy target women, but I question that strategy on a product with 50g of sugar. I know a lot of women who genuinely believe that the carbohydrate is the devil incarnate. On a product shelf, it could get some attention, but I don't see a lot of dudes walking proudly to the register with Hype Organic, like they might with a NOS or Monster.

The aroma is Hype Organic is very pronounced, and exotic, and somewhat nebulous like a car air freshener. The tastes is sweet at first, but fades into a bland and lingering aftertaste. Like Jason, I assume this is the aloe vera. Having never had a drink with aloe vera, I can't really confirm or deny that's the source, but it's interesting, and to me, not a resounding negative.

This contains some juices, and is rather sweet tasting. If this were frozen and blended, I believe Hype Organic would taste like an expensive tropical drink at an island resort, perhaps mixed with rum.

As for the energy, I was comfortably awake. Hype won't make you jump up and attack senior citizens to work off nervous energy, but it will keep you awake, and I speculate, at least for a short time, protect the insides of your mouth from the sun's harmful UV rays.

Monster Ubermonster Energy Brew

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:36:45 EST

Jason's Review

Today we're reviewing the most expensive energy drink we've ever reviewed, the $5 Monster Ubermonster. Before I go into my standard tirade about where Monster dropped the ball, let me say, this is a excellent beverage. Price aside, it's a little bitter, but still smooth. It really taste brewed, how you might imagine a blend Heineken and Monster Import would taste. The package appearance is superb, and managed to catch my eye, even in the sea of Monster green "M" claws on the regular and import cans. I often encourage Monster to step out from their comfort zone in a meaningful way. Nitrous Monster tasted good, but otherwise seemed gimmicky. I commended the creative direction of Rehab, but assumed, like Java Monster, they would run it in the ground (which they're in the process of doing). I further commend this Ubermonster experiment. It's one of their best products, comparable to Dub Edition and the original green Monster.

My initial criticism seems like something that should have been addressed in R and D before this went to consumers. For beer drinkers, it may not seem unreasonable that this is not a twist off cap, for Monster's teen and pre-teen target market, who only drink American "beers" with twisty caps, this will be a frustrating revelation after dropping $5 at the corner convenience store. As if this weren't enough, I have a house full of bottle openers, none of which, due to the size of the cap, open this bottle anything resembling an expedient manner. You have to go around the whole top and pry it open, like a pimento cheese or chicken liver container. They jest about removing the cap being an exercise in futility in the flavor text on the back, but it almost seems like a poorly-contrived cover up for a bad idea. Like when you express your undying love for the soon-to-be-bride at a wedding rehearsal dinner, then try to laugh it off like it was a joke. Seriously Kelly, I was just joking, my brother's a great guy, and I'm sure you'll both live happily ever after.

The obvious complaint for the average consumer is the $5 price tag. If you're also gasping at the unforgivable price, consider that Ubermonster is only 6 cents more per ounce than Red Bull, a product we've been calling highway robbery for the better part of a decade.

For the bottle and can collectors this will, undoubtedly, be a highlight in any collection. If the $5 price tag and Ubername lead you to believe you're going to find an Iron Man-like limitless energy source, you'll be sorely disappointed, I didn't notice any difference from drinking a regular 16oz. Green Monster.

Stig's Review
A $5 energy drink? By presenting this to me, screamingenergy.com just treated me more lavishly than my last date. The Ubermonster bottle is so awesome, I buy regular monster and pour it into the bottle. I'm like Santa Clause, if kids don't believe in me being awesome, I just lay at home and cry. So it's important I have the appearance of being awesome, even if it's at the price of my own self-respect, which I pretty much traded away permanently for Kesha tickets last summer.

Ubermonster is ok, I don't think it's as sweet as regular Monster, it doesn't seem as thick though. You can certainly still taste the core Monster flavor, this isn't a gigantic deviation from the norm. In my opinion, it tastes most like Monster Import.

Personally, I think "Bio-Activated" was an afterthought that they slapped on the label to make people think there was any reason to pay $5 for this. I have no idea why fermenting Monster, then having it be a non-alcoholic beverage makes very much sense. Additionally, trying to make an annoyingly-hard-to-open cap sound cool on the label is like calling your teacher a pedophile after you ran off with him and wrecked his family...Jordan Powers.

VPX Redline Xtreme Triple Berry

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 12:15:47 EST

Jason's Review

We've previously reviewed two VPX Meltdown products, both videos have received numerous dislikes, confirmation that we're doing a good job. This is our first VPX Redline review, and perhaps we shouldn't have skipped the beginner level and gone straight to Xtreme. Before you call me a pantywaist, which I invite you to do in the comments, when you dislike this video, I've sampled around 600 energy products, and at one point was adding 200mg of powdered caffeine to a glass to sweet tea. That being said, every warning on this bottle should be heeded. I drank half the bottle, which VPX recommends. Within about an hour, Redline Xtreme hit me like a case of the flu. I felt lightheaded, moderately nauseous, and my skin was irritated and itchy (specifically my ears, face and neck area). It's possible I was having a mild allergic reaction to something in VPX Redline, but I can't discredit that I felt these sensations, albeit briefly when I reviewed Meltdown, but went on to enjoy the product. The difference here, being that the energy never showed up, at least enough to overpower the negative effects.

VPX Redline is non-carbonated, and like Meltdown, it tastes pretty good. It's a mild flavor, and served chilled, it goes down pretty smoothly. This is unfortunate, since, as discussed, you should sincerely throttle your intake.

I acquired a 4-pack of Redline Xtreme at Dick's Sporting Goods for $8. $1 a serving seems like a reasonable price, assuming this works for someone, and doesn't just make everyone feel like they've contracted the T-virus. Unfortunately for me, VPX Redline is $8 for a single serving, plus the cost of an entire day of feeling like I had a hangover, which I'd say is at least another $8.

Stig's Review
So, I look up VPX products on Youtube, and there are all these cute girls with their jubblies mashed out like Xtina on "The Voice", working out, doing photo shoots and holding up the product for the camera. Some were apparently audition tapes, which made me sad for the people in the videos, they might as well have been holding up a bottle of "desperation", and wearing an "I need attention" sports bra. On second thought, the amount of cleavage visible said it all. Anyway, moral of that story, no amount of busty women in gyms explains what the heck "toothed clubmoss" is, and why it's in my drink.

Seriously, if you handed me this label, independent of any product, and asked me if it was a drink formula, or a recipe for plastic explosives, I'd have to use my lifeline to call Uncle Lefty. Things wouldn't improve a great deal if you let me read the warning label. I've read erectile dysfunction ads in magazines with fewer warnings, apparently, the only thing more dangerous than VPX REDLINE XTREME is Rogaine (which is not to be TOUCHED by women who are pregnant, or may become pregnant. Seriously, don't TOUCH IT? What's in there?!?).

Lastly, having drank a minimal serving of VPX REDLINE XTREME, I can say with some confidence, that I seriously doubt any of those women consume more than a teaspoon of this a day. If I drank a whole bottle of REDLINE XTREME, I feel confident I'd be curled up in the fetal position, shaking involuntarily, cold and sweating, until it mercifully chose to exit my body through either explosive diarrhea or projectile vomiting. VPX REDLINE XTREME makes me feel like I've taken cold medicine, not an energy drink. I experienced no positive effects. The only upside was that it tastes sweet with a mild berry flavor.

I'm only not giving this a 1 for value, because apparently purchasing them individually is usually $3, making it a worse value than buying it for $2.

Rip It Energy Fuel G-Force

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 15:20:05 EST

Jason's Review

In life, there are a few staples, they may not be your favorite things, but they're "good enough" and fit your limited budget, items like: ramen noodles, Whiskas, and bologna with that hard-to-chew shiny red bit on the outside. Rip-it G-force redefines "staple", firstly for "being safe for human consumption", but also for being as attractive as it is cheap, just like your sister.

Rip-it is from National Beverage, makers of Faygo, so they know a thing or two about making grape soda. Now, if you're around pretentious energy drink elitist (who don't know the first thing about energy drinks) you'll be looked down upon with contempt. If one of these Red Bull/Monster unpaid spokespeople gives you a hard time for not drinking "their product", this is what you say, "Sorry for Party Rockin', but guess who's got $1 left over to buy a 40 of 'The Beast'".

Lots of folks in the armed forces are familiar with the Rip-it brand. We got reports it became readily available in Afghanistan and Iraq, around the time we got reports it was no longer available in Walmart stores. For both groups, who now find themselves in need of a cheap, effective energy drink, we found a mountain of all the flavors, along with the Rip-it energy shots at Dollar Tree. At $1 each, Rip-it G-force may be the second highest quality-to-price ratio product on the market, next to Kymera's Party Pak, which is only $30 for 102 servings, if you're using the 'Scream30' promotional code.

Stig's Review
Is this even an energy drink? It tastes like regular grape soda! I would drink this over any of the other stuff I've tried. I'm not an expert, but who doesn't like grape soda? Some of the other big name drinks are pretty good, MMonster and Reb Bull, but they don't taste like things I already like. Monster tastes a little like untart Mountain Dew with more sugar. That's a mouthful to describe, Rit It Energy Fuel G-Force tastes like grape soda, it's that simple.

Who else makes a delicious $1 energy soda? Rip It Energy Fuel has the same active ingredients as most of the big name drinks, to be fair, it looks like it has more than most, furthermore, you get 2 servings! This grape Rip-It soda is awesome, it tastes great, it's cheap, and it gets me up and moving.

I'm still waiting to experience this "crash" I keep hearing about. If 64g of sugar won't do it, I'm starting to agree with Jason that it's an invention of the Chaser 5-hour energy people. It's been almost six hours since I drank a rip it grape with lunch, and I feel just fine. This does not mean I recommend drinking 64g of sugar often, that's 1/3 of a cup, you might as well drink apple juice. LOL!

V8 Energy Shot Berry Blast

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 12:12:40 EST

Jason's Review

After years of reviewing energy drinks, conversation, particularly with people I don't know that well, often gravitates toward energy products. What I hear most frequently, particularly from the more seasoned populous, is "I'll just stick with my coffee". It's eerie how that's almost verbatim across the board, like Publisher's Clearing House was giving out prizes for anyone who dismissed energy products in this manner. Upon further interrogation, the biggest complaints were "all that sugar" (as they soup ladled sugar into their coffee), or "too much caffeine" (despite drinking 2 cups of coffee a day, that each contain 150% of the caffeine in a Red Bull). I've found that older folks don't like young whippersnappers coming at them with their "facts" and "statistics", trying to take away their incandescent light bulbs, leaded gas and Chryslers.

Finally, after years, I've got a reasonable rebuttal that's nearly foolproof. Thank you V8. Firstly, V8 contains fruit and vegetable juices, and as fitness expert Jack Lalanne, who lived 96 healthy years said, "That's the power of the juice!". Secondly, V8 Energy Shot (just like 90% of other energy shots), contains about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, but V8 takes it a step further, with at least some of the caffeine coming from green tea extract. Lastly, V8 Energy contains about 2 teaspoons of sugar, so half the sugar contained in those mountainous "2 teaspoons" most folks carefully shovel into each cup of coffee. The most amazing part about V8 Energy shot, is that it tastes comparable to the pomegranate/blueberry flavor of V8 Fusion. The only things missing are 20g of dietary fiber to keep you regular, and a secret shot of rum for when the step-grandkids and your new, surgically-enhanced, vegan, agnostic daughter-in-law visit for Christmas.

V8 is strong enough to make a noticeable difference in your energy level, and subtle enough to not cause heart palpitations, anxiousness, nervous shaking, sweating, thoughts of suicide, anal seepage, or a surprise visitor, who stays more than 4 hours. Of course, before taking any supplement you should check with your doctor, to make sure this doesn't react with your "glaucoma meds".

In addition to not making your teeth look like a grotty Englishman, V8 is dietarily superior to coffee in every way. The only sticking point may be price, and while I know that everything cost a nickle, "back in your day", the $4.99 two pack will probably not break the bank on those sweet Coca-Cola and Walmart dividends you've wisely been pocketing since '87.

Stig's Review
It's like this is becoming my new part-time job. This is my third review in a row, and thanks to everyone for reading them ;) .

Firstly, I love, love, love V8 Fusion. The cranberry/blackberry is my absolute fav, but I also love the pomegranate/blueberry. I'm excited because they have 3 new "smoothie" flavors you can read about on V8's product information page. After gagging on that 5 Hour Energy Grape I had to review, I can't say enough good things about the taste of V8 Energy Shot. I really expected this to be nasty. I was prepared for the worst, but truthfully, this shot tastes better than the V8 Fusion plus Tea product, and that's supposed to be enjoyable to drink.

The V8 Energy Shots are not widely available. The screamingenergy.com team picked these up in Boone for $2.50 (2 pack for $5), and, per the "product locator" on V8 Energy Shot, the nearest store that carries them is about 30 minutes from my house. I also had a hard time finding these for sell online.

V8 energy doesn't provide a "blow your socks off" energy experience, like I've heard other products described. Two teaspoons of sugar shouldn't be enough to cause the infamous "crash", 20% of your USRDA of Niacin shouldn't cause a skin-reddening "niacin flush" (which, based on some 5-hour energy comments, some people freak out about and wind up in the emergency room). Personally, I do have problems eating enough fruits and vegetables, and 1/4 cup of each helps close the gap on in my, far-too-often, fast food diet. It's small, it's easy to carry, it tastes pretty good, it works, and it's cheaper than that awful 5-hour energy.

5-Hour Energy Grape

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 13:25:49 EST

Jason's Review

The other day at Staples, as I glared with contempt at a $3 price tag, it occurred to me that I hadn't reviewed an overpriced 5-hour energy shot in almost 2.5 years. At first, I thought, what's there to say? They're pretty much all the same: acceptably effective, drinkable, with a slight post-vomit aftertaste, and as overpriced and overrated as a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Then I realized, while it doesn't do the consumer any good, energy enthusiasts know it's mediocre and overpriced, and average-Joe-third-shift-truck-driver-EMT-everyman swears by it (despite 100+ knock-offs, dare I say, "replicas", being 1/3 of the price). We're not convincing anyone, and after several years of being subjected to HD-home-camcorder-quality commercials about "2:30 feelings", we're certainly not presenting a new product to our readers.

What we are doing is boosting our search engine rankings for 5-hour energy. It's free traffic. Why not? For some time, we outranked the manufacturer on Google for their own product. So, the more I say things like, "Does 5-hour energy really work?", "What's in 5-hour energy?", "Will 5-hour energy keep me awake while I cram for exams?", the more people will find us looking for answers to those questions.

Firstly, since you're here, probably from Google, I'll answer those questions. Sure, 5-hour energy works. Does it work any better than other energy shots with a nominal smattering of caffeine that's loaded with B-vitamins? No. It's almost exactly the same as anything else that comes in a bottle shaped like 5-hour energy. As for what's in it, well, some caffeine (energyfiend.com lists 5-hour energy, at 138mg, which would be in line with their claims of "as much caffeine as in 12 oz. of premium coffee") and a load of B-Vitamins, which are related to metabolism, which is why we (as non-medical experts) recommend eating before taking any B-Vitamin complex supplement. As for cramming for exams, you should have studied throughout the semester instead of chasing tail. No worries though, you're parents will keep footing the bill for your failures until your adolescence ends at 28, it's the new era of American entitlement.

Personally, I think the grape flavor is the least offensive of the lot, so far. It's a little like grape Dimetapp, but not quite as good. I do still find myself shuttering at the unpleasant acidic tingle of the initial taste, and waiting out the 15 minute lingering aftertaste left by the mountain of sucralose.

Stig's Review
After a warm reception to the Monster Rehab Rojo tea review, Jason asked me back to review another of the products her refers to as "overpriced energy for the masses". I don't know what his problem is, I think he just hates anything that's popular. I'd seen a lot of commercials for 5-hour energy, but I thought it was for people who were super cereal about energy. The commercials look like infomercials, and anything I've every bought from an infomercial, except the swivel sweeper and oxi-clean were junk. OK, the magic bullet was ok, but how many times a week do I need to eat fresh salsa?

I guess energy drinks, to me, are like sodas with a little more kick. I didn't really have a place for a product like 5-hour energy. 1.93 Fl. Oz. certainly isn't going to quench my thirst. Additionally, Jason had mentioned that some people don't find the taste particularly pleasant. I couldn't imagine, anyone really wanting to buy this, unless it really works.

So, I tasted it. Immediately, I inspected the inside of the bottle to ensure nothing had become trapped and died, and a rotting corpse might account for the detestable flavor. I then checked with Jason to see if the "not particularly pleasant flavor" he referenced was anything like unappeasable pestilence. Who would drink this stuff? Better question, who would pay $3 for it?

I managed to choke it down, so I could report if 5-hour energy works. It's pretty good, I stayed awake just fine, but then, I wasn't particularly tired to begin with. I couldn't really tell that much difference, but it seems like that's their selling point, no jitters or sugar high, just smooth, wide-awake energy. Maybe they should call it "Feel Normal for 5 Hours", because that's more what it's like. Energy drinks usually make me hyper, 5-hour energy doesn't do that.

Monster Rehab Rojo Tea Energy Drink

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 15:01:09 EST

Jason's Review

My last Monster Rehab review was met with feverish discontent from the misinformed horde of crybabies that believes that Monster is the only energy drink company besides Red Bull and Rockstar, and that Monster has never made a bad product. I'd also include that they think the sophomoric drivel Monster prints on the back of the can is "133t", but I question their capabilities in reading comprehension, and further question their attention span tarrying through multiple paragraphs.

Most common among the complaints (and there are many) we get when reviewing Monster is that we focus too much on the company, and not the drink. This must be what all the Monster fans were peeing their panties about, since we gave Monster Rehab Tea Lemonade a collective 8.5 out of 10. Interestingly, in their keyboard-pounding temper tantrum, they failed to realize that that is our very complaint with Monster. They're shoving a "brand" down your throat, and rarely come out with a worthwhile new product. Usually it's some inconsequential variation of the same old stuff. Which brings us to Rojo, the second in what's sure to be an exhaustive series of 10 calorie tea drinks.

In Rehab Lemonade Tea, I can taste the tea. That's not the case with Rojo tea, it mostly tastes like cranberry or cherry juice, neither of which I find incredibly thirst-quenching, and that translates to an unthirst-quenching Rojo Tea. In all fairness, since it lacks all the sugar, it is less syrupy than original Monster. I do enjoy the flavor, the cranberry tartness isn't off-putting, but I find this version overall less desirable than the original Rehab tea. Rehab Rojo Tea is certainly better served cold, and I regret having not tried it over ice.

Like most Monster, Rehab Rojo Tea is amply energizing, and cost about $2. Wal-mart in Boone, NC is the only physical location we've seen it. If you're in an area without Rehab Rojo Tea, you can get Monster Rehab Rojo Tea at amazon or buy Monster Rehab Rojo Tea Energy at groceries-express.

Stig's Review
Jason asked me to do this review because I don't drink a lot of energy drinks. Apparently, per Jason, most of people who read about Monster on this site "Drink Monster all the time, don't care about the 250 non-Monster, non-Red Bull, non-Rockstar products reviewed on this site, and they're only here to assert that anyone who disagrees with them is a 'fagot', who does unmentionable things with animals".
That's harsh, but as a former admin of an anti-Hanson site in the late 90's, I know how spirited the loyal legions of fans can be when flaming the inbox of website admins.

After drinking Monster Rehab Rojo Tea, I may send angry emails if Jason doesn't give it a positive review. I really like it, it tastes like a slightly watered-down juicy juice box. I can taste the fruit in there, and it's yummy. I have no idea what Rojo tea is. On the back, they call it "rooibos herbal tea", I have no idea what that is either, or if it's the same thing as Rojo tea.

As I've stated, I'm not an "energy drink expert", but I've had Red Bull and the Sugar Free Red Bull. This isn't as good as Red Bull, which is probably why everyone drinks Red Bull, but I'm sure this is still one of the best. I'd never buy this, I mean, I don't drink tea. This drink seems more like it's for my dad, but my dad wouldn't drink Monster. I probably shouldn't be drinking energy drinks either, since they're bad for you, but I just LOVE green Monster ;))