The other day I was contemplating writing a blog post and the more I contemplated writing, the more people looked at my blog. Correlation may not prove causation but I was excited. Unfortunately, when I examined the statistics in greater detail I learnt that they had less to do with the power of the mind and much more to do with Abbey Clancy. People were interested in “abbey clancy pics”, “fotos de abbey clancy” and “ابي كلانسي”, which I think translates as Abbey Clancy in, well, whatever language that is.

On further investigation I discovered the spike in web traffic had been caused by Abbey’s husband having sex with a prostitute. An act which led to such great pieces of public interest journalism as Man enjoys sex with more than one woman and Woman gossips for money. The media once again pretends to be shocked, after all footballers and prostitutes really are the most unexpected of bedfellows. Meanwhile I suppose we’re all meant to feel a “burning hatred” for Crouch and a “deep sympathy” for Clancy. After a full day of trying to feel anything about a private matter between people I don’t know, the only emotion I can muster is the mildest sense of disappointment in “Monica Mint”; if discretion is part of her profession then she should get back to the job centre.

I doubt anyone visiting my site under the keyword Abbey Clancy is after these kind of truths but then I doubt they were after any of the other things I’ve written about her. It all began when she appeared on a calendar I received free with a magazine. I wrote;

According to Google Images Abbey Clancy can be attractive, obviously just not in this photo.  The only way to make this pose look even the slightest bit naturalistic is to draw a chalk line around her corpse.

This prompted a small flurry of hits from the across the globe and I commented;

Abbey is a WAG with no discernible talents (she was once in a girl group called Genie Queen and has dabbled in cocaine).  Clancy has also increased her star power by hooking up with a freakishly tall footballer who shouldn’t be allowed to dance in public.

In both cases I tried to explain one of her cryptic modelling shots, in one instance imagining what she might be thinking. As this format amuses me I see no reason not to do it again.

Wearing a Murdoch inspired underwear set and nursing a drink, Abbey sits in a pristine bathtub and thinks.

So this is bathing? I like it. Feels weird doing it in the bathroom section of Homebase but now I’ve practised I can do it for real at home. Only with less clothes. And with more water. Obviously. If you look at the reflection in this glass you can see how the colour of my drink matches my roots. Pretty.

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Imay not have been writing about it as much but that’s not to say my life hasn’t been exciting and eventful – why only the other day I listened to the BBC Asian Network and bought some milk.

One of my favourite pastimes recently is visiting the job centre, it’s so good there I go at least once a fortnight. Yes, once again I find myself in a similar circumstance to the one I was in when I started writing this blog; once again I am looking for work.

The only differences this time are that I’m now living in Peterborough and, having frittered my savings away on luxuries such as bread and rent, I am claiming the dreaded benefits. According to the media, people make more money on benefits than in full-time jobs. I make £103.70 every two weeks on Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA). So if you define “full-time” as less than nine hours a week on minimum wage, then, yes, I am one of the people you read about in the papers.

If you too want to live the benefits dream, then go and read this page right here – they explain it better than I can. Complete the steps correctly you’ll end up with an invite to the job centre (mine took four weeks, so best get started), there you’ll get to sign a Jobseeker’s Agreement and as soon as you do that everywhere you look you’ll start to see what’s wrong with the system.

To qualify for JSA I have to take three “job search steps” a week, unfortunately what does and does not qualify as a step has never been put down in writing on any document I’ve ever read. As far as I understand it, a step is anything you do that increases your chance of getting a job. So buying a newspaper with a jobs section in counts as a step, signing up to an agency counts as a step, getting job alerts emailed to your inbox counts as a step. In fact you could complete a hundred steps without ever applying for a job.

This, however, is just one flaw in a system that comprises of little else. If the advisor you get is particularly keen they may read your logbook but this is not always the case, so weeks can go by without your steps being checked. Even if they are checked, advisors will never request a copy of the job application, a copy of your covering letter or any evidence to prove that your claims are grounded in truth.

These oversights mean it is inevitable that some claimants will be applying for jobs they are not qualified to do or only pretending to apply for jobs, and so will never come off benefits.

If you do find a temporary job the system discourages you from taking it. If you take a one week job, instead of a week’s worth of benefits being deducted, your benefits are cancelled and you have to re-apply once the job is over. Depending on the time it takes for your benefit to resume you could end up making less money working than if you’d just stayed unemployed. Also the forms you have to fill out require payslips and tax and National Insurance breakdowns; I asked an advisor about freelance work and invoices and he just stared at me blankly.

One route back into work is through work experience but if you do more than 15 hours and 59 minutes a week they will deduct minimum wage from your benefits for each additional hour worked (in theory anyway, I declared 34 and a half hours of work experience in one week and they never deducted a penny). I think this is to prevent people getting paid cash in hand and then dishonestly declaring it as work experience, how this stops them from just not telling the job centre I am less sure.

So, these are my observations after less than two months on JSA. I’ve taken at least 60 steps and it’s hard to tell if I’m any closer to employment. I’ve rewritten my CV, signed up to half a dozen job agencies, updated the half a dozen job websites I’m with and even signed up for a few more. I get daily job alerts by email, buy the Peterborough Evening Telegraph every Thursday for the job section and have even applied to do work experience at the paper.

If you follow this blog then expect plenty more to read over the coming months, I might even write a bit about my new city. If by some strange coincidence you’d like to hire me, you can read my newly updated about me page, read my LinkedIn profile (it’s social media for the unemployed) or even get in touch.

On Wednesday Stoke-on-Trent celebrated its 100th birthday, although you would have been hard-pressed to spot the celebrations. In the bowels of Stoke town hall, however, 300 people sat down to a celebratory dinner costing taxpayers an estimated £25,000. No, I didn’t get an invite either.

It would be all too easy to speculate that the evening was an excuse for councillors and their cronies to get fat and drunk at our expense but that would be unfair, there were far greater issues at hand, the presentation of the Citizen of the Century award for one. The award was an attempt to recognise the “the ordinary men and women on the streets” who helped make Stoke-on-Trent the city it is today.

The public got the chance to have their say on this matter and were meant to nominate 50 people for this award, although I can only find mentions of 12 in the local media, so it’s unclear whether they hit that target.

• cancer campaigner Dot Griffiths
• fund-raiser John Leese
• grassroots-football organiser Graham Hemmings
• potteries worker Lynn Bentley
• Kelvin Bowers, who ran from Stoke-on-Trent to Sydney, Australia
• museum volunteer Phil Rowley
• charity volunteer Sue Chandler
• Music-hall star Gertie Gitana (died 1957)
• John Caudwell, enterpreneur and philanthropist
• football manager John Rudge
• opera singer Anne Dawson
• cartoonist Dave Follows (died 2003)

A panel put together by the council then picked an additional ten nominees, which if you replace Jack Ashley with John Baskeyfield and Loes Ashley then becomes the “ full list of nominees” as seen below.

• darts player Phil Taylor
• pop star Robbie Williams
• footballer Gordon Banks
• Lance Sergeant John Baskeyfield (died 1944)
• Loes Ashley (Google and I haven’t a clue, sorry)
• writer Arnold Bennett (died 1931)
• Doug Brown, lord mayor and grassroots-football organiser (died 2002)
• ceramicist Clarice Cliff (died 1972)
• Sir Oliver Lodge, physicist and inventor (died 1940)
• footballer Sir Stanley Matthews (died 2000)
• Reginald Mitchell, creator of the Spitfire (died 1937)
• Millicent, Duchess of Sutherland (died 1955)

The process behind all of this is a mystery but what we end up with is a £25,000 award dinner with 300 place settings – only four of which ever had the slightest chance of having a nominee sat at them. It’d sound like an excuse for a slap-up meal were it not for Stoke-on-Trent City Council’s history of frugality and good judgement. Like the time they spent more than £700 on commemorative umbrellas.

I guess we’ll just have to trust the press office when they say the event was attended by worthy people including “Citizen of the Century nominees and representatives, city councillors, and other distinguished visitors” and look forward to the other centenary year celebrations they’ve got planned for us.  They’re all listed in a handy 2010 Press Pack if you’d like to read along with me, mind you these are only the “Key Events”.

February 13 – March 7: Staffordshire Hoard Launch

The Staffordshire Hoard is a collection of more than 1,500 pieces of gold and silver jewellery dating from Anglo-Saxon times and found last year in a field near Lichfield.

Stoke-on-Trent is a collection of six towns which became one city in 1910 and  celebrates its federation on March 31.

This seems a tenuous link at best and the Hoard launch sounds like it would have taken place regardless of the centenary.

19 February: Royal visit

Fair play, Charles and Camilla did set foot in Stoke-on-Trent. It was the day when all the Charles and Di commemorative plates were turned to face the wall. Chaz and Cam even made the cover of a booklet sent to all residents called Your guide to Council Tax, Finance and Performance 2010/ 2011. Yay.

31 March: Federation Day

I think we may have talked about this up top, it was the £25,000 meal one.

1 April: Sports Personality of the Year

Annual events and centenary celebrations aren’t quite the same thing but I guess they’ve got the rest of the year to figure that out.

Hands on Pot unveiling (Date TBC)

This is a large clay sculpture that was designed by schoolchildren… to mark the millennium. So after ten years the council have decided to take it out of storage and unveil it, they’re just not quite sure when yet. Here’s another story where they rotate a sculpture 90 degrees after deciding it was put it in wrong.

30 May: 2010k Run

Sponsored by Staffs Uni? Crafty, I see what you did there.

23 July: Multi Faith Celebration

The Archbishop of York visits the city.

Sir Stanley Matthews Cup (Date TBC)

A school football tournament.

12 September: Tour Ride and 26 September: Tour of Britain

Okay, I’m just going to copy paste this from earlier;  “Annual events and centenary celebrations aren’t quite the same thing but I guess they’ve got the rest of the year to figure that out.”

18 November: finale event

Fireworks and Christmas lights switch-on? Okay one last time; “Annual events and centenary celebrations aren’t quite the same thing but I guess they’ve got the rest of the year to figure that out.” …nevermind.

For many years I thought that book ideas arrived fully formed in authors’ heads and that writing was just the process of copying these ideas down but with added dialogue and detail.  My theories about blogging shared a similar vein of stupidity; no matter how much Antonio cajoled me to create a blog, I held off, waiting for that eureka moment where a unique, previously undocumented topic would reveal itself to me.

After ten months of maintaining a blog about very little, and along the way reading articles such as 6 Writers Who Accidentally Crapped Out Masterpieces, I have been cured of my wrong-headed ways.  I now realise that the perfect idea will never come to me, I will only get to it through continuous writing.

One of the great things about this blog is that it encourages me to do exactly that, to continue writing.  When I do write, people leave me positive comments, they hit the like button on Facebook, they print out the post and read it on the bus. When I don’t, they’re sure to mention it next time I’m in the pub.

November is National Novel Writing Month (henceforth known as NaNoWriMo) and I’m hoping that it will have the exact same peer-pressure-leads-to-productivity effect on me as this blog does.  What I already know for certain is that it has a crazy deadline (a 50,000 word novel in 30 days) and Gingell thinks I should do it (not that I’m scared of her or anything).

As usual I’ll be documenting my successes and failures right here on the blog for your own amusement.  Why not play along at home?

So far I’ve bought the book (not essential), bought the t-shirt (once again not essential) and signed up to the website (yeah, you need to do this one).  It might also be worth your while following @NaNoWriMo and NaNoWriMo’s creator @chrisbaty on Twitter and joining their group on Facebook.

Now, you need a support group.  If, like me, you happen to reside in Stoke-on-Trent you’ll notice a somewhat glaring omission, the nearest substitutes being either Birmingham or Manchester.  I’ve picked Birmingham simply because I know the area better and I have friends that live there, although that isn’t to say I won’t be crashing other meetings and posting reviews here.  If you want to know more about the Birmingham group you can always take a look at their Facebook group.

The next Birmingham meet starts at midday this Saturday at  the Coffee Lounge.  If you’re wondering where the Coffee Lounge is, here are some simple directions; leave the train station by the other entrance (the one without the ticket office and the Burger King), look across the road.  If you’re still confused, take a little look at this Google Map.

If you find the idea of affiliating yourself with another city morally repulsive or you just don’t like paying travel expenses there is still hope. A Stokie WriMo movement is in its infancy, follow them on Twitter, join them on Facebook.  If they decide on a meeting place I shall go along and report back.

In the meantime, I’ve nabbed the very first NaNoVideo from the official site.  I thoroughly recommend it as a good way to spend a couple of minutes while you wait for the kettle to boil or whatever it is you do with your life.

chrisbaty

The river of liquid cheese slowly coursed its way through the greasy lamb and bacon landscape, navigating the occasional deep-fried onion ring, before slipping over the burger bun and dripping, with the gentlest of patter, onto my chip-infested plate.

“You’re not taking this race training very seriously are you?” said Frosty.  Looking back at him across the Wetherspoon’s table, I took a sip of my pint as I considered his question.

Sunday 13 September

The sky was an early morning shade of grey and Regent’s Park thronged with runners. Maybe I should have been more concerned with my lack of training but my little head was revelling in the fact that I had woken up at 5am and was not tired, had eaten breakfast and that the t-shirt in my race pack meant I had successfully infiltrated this herd of joggers.

Shortly after Gingell and I arrived, Matt (aka blankbadge) showed up.  It was good to finally meet him, although he maintains this has happened before.  After being spoilt for choice when it came to picking out a portaloo, we made our way to a wet bench where we busied ourselves safety-pinning our race numbers to our tops (475, since you ask) and fastening our timing chips to our laces to measure our start and finish times.  It may also be worth remembering that the top of your race number should line up with the base of your breastbone, remember this well else the real runners may turn on you.

Eventually we were led through a presumably thorough warm up, although I don’t really have anything to compare it to, before being separated off into our holding pens.  There were four; ranging from orange, for those whose predicted running times were a death wish, through white (Gingell) and onto more sensible segments such as green (yours truly) and pink (Matt).

Then we waited.  The excitement began to fade and the cold set in, and then half an half hour later there was a stirring and we began the slow collective walk to the start line.  In front of me a grey haired man with a beige hearing aid, a young girl with a big wig and a neck tattoo, a middle aged couple repeatedly sucking face, all of humanity decked out in garish white shoes.

And then we were off.  The group slowly spread out and with that I was able to find a comfortable speed without tripping over anyone.

If you want to talk training and technique then it’s probably best to head on over to Gingell’s blog but at that stage all I knew was this; if I don’t finish this race Gingell will mock me relentlessly, therefore I must finish this race.  The reason I fail at running is because I don’t pace myself, therefore I must keep pace with these running experts around me.

Whether they were running experts or not I shall never know but it seemed to work.  The first two kilometres were pleasant; I took in the park scenery and was generally impressed by lots of smiley marshals who had matched their yellow tops with metallic accessories.

After that I began to experience the dullest of aches in my belly but it was nothing compared with my usual running pains, this was probably because I was keeping a sensible pace. At three kilometres there was a water stand, further on someone attempted to play the didgeridoo (either that or someone spiked the water stand), at four people were chanting my name (well, they were chanting the name Jon, that’s good enough for me) and then onto five, seconds before crossing the finish line I saw Gingell cheering me on and then it was over.

I had run five kilometres in 30 minutes 42 seconds, which for a non-runner is rather impressive.

As I picked up my goodie bag I felt drained but I also felt a real sense of achievement.  After stretching (I just copied Gingell) I sat, wrapped in my space blanket, sucking on my Powerade, thinking.

Prior to the run Matt had asked me why I was doing this race and I hadn’t really been able to come up with a satisfactory answer.  Running was a way to bond with Gingell, running was something people wouldn’t expect me to do, running was something that I was good at, yet also a sport.

Ultimately, I may be forced to admit that I like running.

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It’s been a very full weekend

[EDIT: Edited by Nancy Bennie and styled by Antonio Roberts, a version of this blog post appears on page six of the first edition of the Lost in the Wood zine. Here's a PDF version in case you're not a fan of the Flash gimmickry below.]

The other day my friend’s Facebook status read “Stan Chau has no money till Friday :(” and instead of responding with “sux 2 b u lolz” or whatever the correct etiquette is these days I decided to type some tongue-in-cheek survival tips.  The response was unexpectedly positive, so I’ve decided to expand on them and put them up here.  Think of it as a tasty little starter to the rather bland but filling main course that is Finance July.

How to be Broke

So, You Think You’re Broke

More than likely you’re not broke, you just think you’re broke because a paycheck or student loan is taking longer than expected to arrive (if this isn’t the case, and you have no savings of any kind, you should probably seek real financial advice rather than reading my blog).

This delusion of brokeness first sets in when an ATM refuses to give you any money.  Instead of panicking, take your bank card to student cash point (the kind that dispenses five pound notes) and make a withdrawal.  If you can’t find one  or you have less than a fiver in your account go to your nearest branch and make a withdrawal, it might also be worth asking for an overdraft extension while you’re there (the worst they can do is say no).

Now collect together all the change you have in your trouser pockets, coat pockets and change jar.  Have a look down the back of your sofa and under your bed.  Is there a place you hide money for emergencies?  Look there.  It’s also worth thoroughly examining your wallet, more often than not there’s a slot that you “never use” that turns out to be harbouring a fiver.  Also collect any foreign coins you have and take it all to a Coinstar machine.

Food

By now you should have almost £10, and it’s more than likely that the Coinstar machine you’re standing at is located in a supermarket, so it’s time to go food shopping.  Whatever you do, however, don’t do this when you’re hungry or else you’ll just end up buying yourself snacks that you’ll have consumed before you’re even halfway home.

Stick to the end of the aisles because this is where all the deals are located.  Try and purchase things that will turn the leftovers you have at home into edible meals, it is useful to remember the following universal laws;

anything + bread = a sandwich

anything + eggs = an omelette

Also it is inevitable that you have tonnes of dusty pasta and rice, buy some sauce so you can actually eat this stuff.  If you don’t already have it, purchase some granulated coffee.  When you run out of food start making very strong cups of coffee so thick they’re like paste, this will stave off hunger for a while.

Fun

The cheapest hobby you can ever take up is sleeping, try and do this as much as possible.  When you do find yourself conscious,  drinking will help you through this (understand that these tips are “tongue-in-cheek”, so if your mother or your liver start complaining you can’t hold me responsible).  Find an open bar or at least a bar that will serve you free drinks.  Free food and free drink should now be the criteria you use to decide which social events you attend.  If friends and family owe you money or dinner now is the time to collect those debts.

For numerous examples of what not to do, keep reading.

Finance July

Week commencing 6th July (0 posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £17 food
• £67 council tax
• £19 Vodafone
• £15 insurance

Total: £118

End of Week Total: -£3,568

Week commencing 13th July (two posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £77 food (seems somewhat excessive, not sure if that’s actually true)
• £20 student loan over calculation repayment (only another £1,346 to go on this one, plus whatever interest they’ve decided to heap on top)
• £29 rounding error (numbers seem to be seriously sketchy this month, although they were back when I did this on a weekly basis.  Some things never change)

Total: £126

End of Week Total: -£3,694

Week commencing 20th July (0 posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £45 food
• £2 drink (I know this category tends to be reserved for drinks of the alcoholic variety but I have a Tesco receipt for the time I bought Fanta Fruit Crush and nothing else)
• £45 rent to Nick (I stayed with him temporarily while I found a new house)
• £56 utilities to Gingell (outstanding debts from the Green House)
• £20 for my BUPA Great Capital Run 2009 registration (I was sober when I paid for this as well, I blame Gingell.  I promise to blog about it sometime soon)

Total: £168

End of Week Total: -£3,862

Week commencing 27th July (0 posts)

Incoming:

• £800 as a freelance writer (feels really weird to be typing that one)
• £20 from Envirophone (these guys paid me £20 for the broken phone I blogged about here, well worth checking them out)

Total: £820

Outgoing:

• £36 food
• £20 drink
• £8 transport
• £45 rent to Nick
• £5 utilities to Gingell
• £50 Vodafone (apparently the Samsung J700i is a pay-as-you-go phone so if you have it on contract you can’t insure it, therefore when I got mugged I had to pay to replace it.  The girl in the shop was very helpful though and had good eye makeup)
• £6 entertainment (after reading about the likely demise of The Observer I grew nostalgic for newspapers and went out and bought The Sunday Times, as I would have done four years ago.  My subsequent live tweeting of each supplement clogged up Gingell’s tweetfeed.  I also picked up the September issue of Front Magazine)
• £4 wallet (“Is it a gift? I can wrap it for you.” “No, I got mugged earlier.”  Awkward silence ensues)
• £95 rounding error (like I said, the numbers are sketchy)

Total: £269

End of Month Total: -£3,311

The Poverty Line, for the month of July*

* Figures are rounded up and my student loan debt of £19,993.48 is not included but then regular readers already knew that.

This blog asks you to do one thing – challenge me.  It should probably make a second request – for you to explain your challenge.  While “write more” and “eat breakfast daily” require little explanation, requests such as “review All High School Musical Films” are likely to leave people scratching their heads as to how they will improve my life.

When Gingell first set this challenge I wrote that “Sometimes I think Gingell is trying to fashion me into the gay BFF she never had.” but I think it’s more likely to be another attempt to emasculate me for her own amusement.

High School Musical

There are three kinds of people that hate High School Musical and I have sympathy for none of them.*

The first kind have assumed they don’t like this film without even watching it.

The second kind were “forced” to watch the film by a loved one.  These are the High School haters I seem to encounter the most.  The only problem with them is that when they’re telling me that “it’s got Zac Efron in it” and how they had to sit through “like songs and stuff” all I’m hearing is;

My girlfriend loves this film and loves sharing stuff with me. I spent an hour and forty minutes snuggling with her on the sofa.  There was beer and snacks.

I most definitely have no sympathy for you people.

The third variety of haters, however, are the most bizarre. In fact if you watched A Clockwork Orange and then complained about the lack of mechanised fruit you’d appear normal in comparison with these people.  These are the people who watched High School Musical and were disappointed there were songs in it, or watched this Disney movie and then complained that it was too cheesy.  Most everything you need to know about this film is contained in the title; Disney’s High School Musical.  If you’re still unsure about whether you’ll like this film, watch the first minute.  If you want to know where the plot’s heading, watch an additional three minutes, or alternatively, keep reading.

Troy Bolton (Zac Efron) and Gabriella Montez (Vanessa Hudgens) share a love that dare not speak its name, the forbidden love of a jock and a nerd.

While Troy is captain of East High School’s Wildcat basketball team, Gabriella is a Hollywood nerd, by which I mean she’s like a regular nerd apart from she looks stunning, has good hair and skin, can sing and dance and lacks any kind of social dysfunction.

Brought together through ski lodge karaoke, the duo form a special bond which soon leads them onto activities that both their social groups deem unacceptable, namely auditioning for their high school musical.  With Troy and Gabriella’s names on the play sign-up sheet it isn’t long before other characters are confessing their deep dark secrets; everything from playing the cello to a love for baking.  These shocking confessions are revealed and promptly condemned in the musical number Stick To The Status Quo.

It is not just the status quo that is being threatened but also the positions of drama queen Sharpay Evans and raging queen Ryan. This brother and sister double act resort to dirty tricks when it looks like Troy and Gabriella might oust them from the musical’s lead roles.  Like all baddies in Disney movies, however, they ultimately fail, as do the jocks and nerds who try to dissuade Gabriella and Troy from trying something different.

All are shown the error of their ways when the star-crossed lovers sing Breaking Free (“You know the world can see us/ In a way that’s different than who we are/ Creating space between us/ Till we’re separate hearts”) and all renounce their wrong-headed and divisive ways in the final number We’re All in This Together.

The songs may not be amazing and the plot may rely on cliché but as a whole this film works, the characters are developed just enough to be engaging and the film is permeated by a gentle humour which means you can’t take it too seriously.  If you hated this film you probably hated every Disney film and every musical you ever watched. I have no sympathy for you, Disney’s High School Musical did nothing more than what it said it would on the box.

* Antonio, as per usual, you are an exception to the rule.  High School Musical family karaoke sounds truly horrific.

While I was out the electricity managed to trip the switch and when I returned home I thought I’d been cut off, therefore;

1. Call npower because “if we do not hear from you within the next 14 days we may take steps to disconnect your energy supply for safety reasons.” [Am now bessie friends with all my utility buddies.]

2. Pay water bill and ask to pay monthly, get housies to set-up a Direct Debit when they get here.

3. Have words with my bank about them trying to charge me £30 in fees.  Write a letter in the style of Rebecca Bloomwood if necessary.

4. Activate my new sim card with Vodafone and get them to send me the bill breakdown that they promised.

5. Read all the paperwork about the protection on my new bank card and figure out what I’m doing with that. [Cancel it and save £6 a month.]

6. Fill out the voter registration form for the house.

7. Change my address with the following people;

• Work
• The council (need to sort out my council tax payments)
• The National Blood Service (think it’s probably time to give again)
• My insurance people
• My building society
• Doctors
• Opticians (very tempted to trial some contact lenses)
• National Savings and Investments (maybe even pick up some bonds along the way)
• Amnesty International (think they might still be sending stuff to an address I had three years ago, also I need to set up a Direct Debit on my new account)

8. Replace my stolen Nectar card (I miss that thing).

9. Pay off student loan over calculation repayment.

10. Pay off dad.

11. Invest in driving lessons.

12. Look into getting my NCTJs (apparently only £386).

13. See if I can transfer credits from Staffs Uni to Open University and how much an English Literature degree costs.

14. Will add more fun-sucking activities as and when I think of them, should probably speak to someone about ISAs.

15. Replace passport, apparently I need a new passport form and a LS01. [Maybe if the Post Office even stocked them, just do it online instead.]

16. Get a student associate card and a young person’s railcard.

17. Fill out another voter registration form for the house because the council are incompetent (and obviously didn’t read number 6 on this list).

18. Pay the gas bill.

Working nine to five may be the way Dolly Parton intended but for a time it severely sapped my urge to blog. After spending all day sat at a computer typing, when I got home all I wanted to do was make a drink, watch some tv and crawl into bed.

When I wasn’t tired, I was busy. Since we last spoke I’ve moved house twice, which has involved a lot of sorting, a lot of packing and a few trips to the charity shop. It’s also meant working my way through a variety of internet connections, most of them unreliable or non-existent, and spending too long on the phone trying to change my address details with numerous faceless corporations.

I guess the other big thing that’s happened to me is that I got mugged. Here’s the account I gave to The Sentinel. It’s been over three weeks now since my attack so I think I’m over it, although it took a lot longer to replace my bank card than it should have done. For some reason my local branch only opens during office hours and doesn’t open at all over the weekend. This would be a brilliant business strategy if unemployed people had any money.

So, now I’ve fixed my sleeping pattern, settled into my new house and have almost sorted all my records, it’s time to pick myself up and get back on the blogging horse.

I’d like to start with a comment Clara left on my Facebook wall in relation to my new job.

very very good Jon! Quite proud of you at the moment! I will be checking in on the website to see fundamental changes to the graph

Now this might cause confusion for some of you but that’s understandable, I’m not saying it’s a long time since I created graphs to represent my debt but it’s probably before you were born.

Finance June

Week commencing 1st June (three posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £10 food
• £728 rent
• £67 council tax
• £18 Vodafone
• £10 entertainment (I went barfuss at Trentham and I bought Front Magazine)

Total: £833

End of Week Total: -£3,046

Week commencing 8th June (one post)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £38 food
• £48 transport (catching all those trains to go to Sky School)
• £100 utilities

Total: £186

End of Week Total: -£3,232

Week commencing 15th June (0 posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £38 food
• £3 drink (I bought a medium Pepsi at the cinema because I didn’t realise they had a coffee machine, it was sickly sweet and apparently medium now means bigger than my head)
• £20 student loan over calculation repayment
• £15 insurance
• £6 entertainment (I went to see Night at the Museum 2 at the cinema and it was a lot better than I imagined it would have been)

Total: £82

End of Week Total: -£3,314

Week commencing 22nd June (two posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £50 food
• £20 transport
• £1 stationery (an address book I needed for work)
• £9 rounding error (haven’t a clue)

Total: £80

End of Week Total: -£3,394

Week commencing 29th June (one post)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £26 food
• £10 drink
• £20 transport

Total: £56

End of Month Total: -£3,540

The Poverty Line, for the month of June*

For those a little perturbed by the re-appearance of the graph, here’s one last photo from the phone with some words of wisdom that it’d be worth you heeding.

* Figures are rounded up and my student loan debt, which has now risen to £19,993.48, is not included.

Before we go any further I’d like to apologise for my previous post. By the time you’d recovered from that first sentence I had vanished, leaving behind only a creepy 30 second animation by way of an explanation.  Sorry.

After way too long spent working in sales and being unemployed I am now getting paid to write every weekday and not on a commission basis but for a genuine honest wage.  In the interests of professionalism I don’t want to get into details here on the blog but rest assured that I have updated the about box and author page to reflect my current situation.

In theory this blog has always been about the challenges but it’s tended to stray and has been characterised by some as a record of my quest for employment.  Now I have found work it might be worth recapping on the challenges, it also might be worth you making a cup of tea, this could take a while.

1. Write More

My progress through the subsections of this challenge was comprehensively covered in this post and with my new job the only things left to cross off are freelancing and writing a 50,000 word novel in November.  On the freelancing front, an article I wrote about commissioning promotional videos may be getting published in a trade magazine soon, although I’m not sure this is exciting enough to count.

Something I’ve been meaning to do and have mentioned a handful of times on this blog is to put together a portfolio of my work and even though I said I wouldn’t add any additional subsections to this challenge…

1g. Put together a portfolio of my work.

2. Get out of Debt

I was a bit of a techtard yesterday and managed to delete a number of things, including the most recent version of the spreadsheet I use to calculate my debt.  Nonetheless, I will input the data once more and bring you Finance June this Friday, if you’re really lucky I might even redraw the graph for you.

4. Wake up at a Reasonable Hour

When work starts at 9am having a challenge to get up before 9:30am seems a bit redundant.  Consider the challenge modified.  I will document my early bird ways for a month and then consider this challenge completed, any creative ideas on how to do this would be appreciated, otherwise I might be forced to take 31 photos of an alarm clock in a style similar to what I did with the apples back in April.

6. Learn to Drive

When I’ve repaid my parents and finished my student loan over calculation repayments (that thing needs some kind of acronym) I will be investing in some lessons.  My sister had her first lesson today and says she can already “turn it on, make it go and make it stop.”

7. Complete my Degree

As previously mentioned I’ve come to realise that a journalism degree would be pointless for me.  Instead I am going to look into getting my NCTJ certificates (I already have one of the law certificates) and then completing an Open University degree, probably in English Literature, at a later date.

8. Keep Eating Steak and Crumpets

Next week I get paid, which means I can eat steak without feeling bad.  Instead of just eating steaks in different places, taking a poorly lit photo on my sorry excuse for a camera phone and then labelling them “tasty” or “like rubber” I’m going to try and make this a bit more interesting for you.  I’m going to try and eat steaks with lots of different people and incorporate a bit about them and what we talked about into the review.  This could go horribly wrong.

Haven’t had any crumpets recently but in other Breads of the World news (I named it after the section in Sainsbury’s) I did have some English muffins the other day.  These probably deserve a post of their own because whenever I use the word muffin people think of the big-as-your-head American muffins that are meant to taste of chocolate but more often than not taste of clay.

Well, that seems like enough for now.  One of the other things I managed to delete yesterday was the file containing all the most recent versions of my blog icons.  Going to go through three DVDs, two Operating Systems and one inbox and try and see what I can turn up.  Laters.