Wednesday, I was leaving my hairdresser’s parking lot and pulled over to check my GPS for the nearest Walmart. A car pulled up behind me, so I rolled down my window to wave him by me. There was plenty of room.

Instead of going around, the driver laid down on his horn with a steady blaring.

Now I was juggling a call from my husband’s nurse, the GPS was yacking, and the horn from the car behind me kept on. Then something began to hit my car. The driver behind me had started throwing coins at my car, a few at a time, repeatedly.

I finished up the call with Steve’s nurse, turned off my GPS and got out of the car to go apologize to the driver. (Later, my husband told me that was a dumb move but..whatever.) As I walked back to his car, turns out he was a Papa John’s Pizza dude in full uniform with shirt and hat. But, instead of listening to my apology, he yelled out his window, “You f…ing c…; what the hell is wrong with you?” and tore off around me and my car – which he could have done in the first place.

Wow. As a good Christian Southern woman, I’m not used to being treated like that. Right about then, I looked up and what did I see about 300 ft down in the strip mall? A Papa John’s.

Yes, I went into the store. The driver wasn’t there,  I told the store manager my story and then went about the rest of my day. (In case you’re wondering, no – he didn’t offer me a free pizza. Yes, I received a call from the district guy and the main office people.)

The point? For me, its to examine whether the “hat” I’m wearing matches what I’m saying. I don’t mean the actual clothes. Do I send mixed signals when I’m “off duty” about my faith and my God to the community I encounter? What if I’m rude or impatient to the hotel desk clerk when I’m checking in and then he asks me if I’m there on business and who I work for? That makes me no better than the pizza guy.

Take what you want from this for you and your ministry.

Stephanie

NEED A REFRESHER? 

There is no doubt that the month of May is one of the most difficult in youth ministry. We are trying to finish well, a spring semester whose rhythm is typically syncopated due to the frequent school holidays and spring sports and the exhale after Easter. At the same time, ‘tis the season to be recruiting our adults for the summer and next school year, putting the finishing touches on our summer calendars, and preparing ourselves (and our families!) for the weeks that we will be out of town at camp and/or mission trips. This is a high-stress season of ministry! It’s during these moments that we wonder why we keep doing what we do and begin asking again, “How can I do it this year in a way that keeps me from wearing myself out?”

“Why do I keep doing what I do?” While some of us address this question as if it were directed at our methods, most of us are likely trying to remind ourselves why we are in ministry…especially this type of ministry. Because this is not the best (or healthiest) time of year to begin planning your exit, you will best serve yourself and your ministry by taking a deep breath and moving forward. I’ve found that the easiest way to move forward in the midst of these vocational quandaries is to pull out a list (or better, your directory) of your young people, to visualize each one’s face, and to thank God for the ways that each has been a blessing to you. Then, ask God “How are you inviting me to bless her/him this summer?” This may not settle the long-term questions of vocation, but it will help to direct your next few steps forward.

“How do I keep from wearing myself out?” Rest, rest, and rest some more! I find myself in countless gatherings of youth workers, and hear often how worn out my colleagues are. When I ask about the last day they took off, they laugh. If Jesus needed to take time between his teachings, miracles, and other ministry moments, there’s a good chance that we might have that same need. Find a movie, find a book, find a hammock…just find something that will refresh you before the summer gets here; it’ll be here before you know it!

A Series on How Trust is Often Undermined at Church

PART 1: Email Etiquette

I saw the above hanging prominently in a tattoo parlor: “In God we trust, all othrs pay CASH.” At the time, I thought it was funny. But after reflecting on it, I realize that the sign was hung probably in response to being let down. It got me thinking about the trust systems we have in church, and how often, probably unintentionally, trust is being undermined.

Here’s what I know: All solid relationships are built on the foundation of trust. Trust can be compromised when expectations aren’t being met.  The consequence of not establishing clearly defined expectations is everyone expecting different things from someone (and let’s face it, some expectations are too high, others are too low).  So over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some typical mistakes church leadership sometimes make.

So what is an acceptable expectation for answering emails? In today’s world of smart phones it has never been easier to check emails. Unfortunately though, many people are in the position to read, but not respond to emails. And too many times, those people don’t have a good system in place to remind them of the emails requiring attention. Nothing can be more frustrating to someone who has emailed a clergy person or a program staff person with something that’s important (at least important to them) just to be ignored.

In order to show your respect and value to all who take the time to communicate with you, consider some of the following suggestions:

• Don’t check emails on the fly.
• File your messages after you’ve responded so you don’t have a cluttered inbox.
• Establish a certain time of day when you handle emails.
• Make it a habit to acknowledge all emails. If you’re not in the position to accept an action item from the sender, then say that, and ask the sender to follow-up with you in a specified amount of time.

Ultimately, if you are in the habit of letting emails fly by without acknowledging them, you are communicating that you don’t care. By practicing healthy email etiquette, you’ll undergird a more solid foundation of trust.

What is difficult about consistently answering emails? What are some other consequences of not responding to emails?

Melissa Rau (A member of Stephanie’s Small Church Ministry Architects team)

First, it supports an unhealthy model of staff dependency. After all, many churches expect the program staff to be the primary “doers” of the ministry since they are the ones being paid. These churches are missing a key to a thriving ministry: a program staff person whose primary responsibilities are to equip, empower, and encourage volunteers.

It also gives the volunteer an easy out. If a volunteer has the perspective that he or she is just a volunteer, one may be less inclined to live into his or her role by not fulfilling obligations. If given the chance to show up for a church meeting or enjoy the first sunny, 75-degree day in the spring, such people could very well blow off their church commitment. After all, they’re just volunteers.

April is National Volunteer Appreciation Month, and I was looking up images to use for this post. I found many phrases that boasted, “Volunteers Make a Difference.” I don’t believe that. In actuality, volunteers make THE difference. They aren’t “just” anything. They are almost EVERYTHING.  So next time, think twice about referring to yourself or someone else as “just a volunteer.”

What are some cultural dynamics you think contribute to the ‘just’ mentality?  And what can we do about it?

by Melissa Rau, A member of the Small Church Ministry Architects team and a Simply Youth Ministry Conference Inside Track Team member.

By Duane Smith, Small Church Ministry Architects

One of my favorite periodicals is Youth Culture Update, a monthly publication produced by the Center for Parent /Teen Understanding, to help parents and youth workers understand the influence of modern culture upon our teens.  With today’s cultural influences comes increased pressure on parents and youth workers to help guide teens in making healthy choices, and with the Sticky Faith initiative and other studies like the National Study on Youth and Religion affirming the influence of parents and mentors, we know that parents and youth workers still make a difference.

Paul Robertson, an associate staff member at the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding, wrote an article on this subject.  He notes that, “North America is a pretty decent place to live. Materially speaking, there’s little we do without. At first glance, most children enjoy prosperity, opportunity and better health than any generation before. Plus, they have more disposable income than every before.  But there’s a growing unease that grips many adults when they look at today’s youth culture. Many sense something is going very wrong in the way we raise our children.  Parents are also nervous as more and more kids seem to be making unhealthy choices.  There are so many bad influences out there that even for parents who do a good job, there is a good chance their children will get into serious trouble.”

I couldn’t agree more with these thoughts. It is getting harder for kids. Parenting today may be tougher than a generation ago, but that’s no reason to give up hope. With that in mind, Paul goes on to share steps we can take to guide our teens toward making healthy decisions.

First, we must ask ourselves, “what do I believe?”  What he means is that we need to consistently live the standards we hope to pass on to our kids.  94% of teens recently interviewed said they look to their parents to demonstrate real faith and purpose in life.  We must not only talk the talk, but walk the walk consistently day in and out.

Second, we need to teach our kids to think through all the facts before making a decision.  We need to help our kids learn to think about what God has to say about every decision we face.  Again, this comes down to modeling this type of decision making in our own lives.

Third, we need to challenge our teens to set and manage patterns of thinking by asking them “why” they do what they do.  As our children move into the early teen years, they become intellectually capable of wrestling with various options.  Our goal must be to get them to think for themselves in healthy ways.

Fourth, we need to help our kids think through the consequences of their decisions by asking them to consider the long and short term implications.  Here in lies one of our greatest challenges.  Peer pressure works mightily against us seeking to cause teens to think for the moment and how their peers might react should they go against the flow.  But our children need to understand the positive and negative consequences of the choices they make.  Sharing the consequences of decisions we have made in our lives can go a long way in cementing these lessons into the heads and hearts of our children.  In other words, we need to be talking to our kids about mistakes we’ve made.

So why is this so relevant in a smaller church?  It’s a tough world and our teens need every ounce of guidance and support we can provide.   Most smaller church youth ministries are staffed by volunteers or parents.  Don’t under-estimate your role and influence.  Realize that more important than provide the latest and greatest activity is modeling the faith.

If you’re a parent, a youth leader, or both, hang in there and don’t lose heart!  You’re making a difference by simply loving and caring for the teens in your church.

From One Role to the Next 

In his book, Sustainable Youth Ministry, Mark DeVries explains that there are three distinct roles filled by different people in thriving ministries: the Architect, the General Contractor, and the Skilled Craftsperson. It’s important that each role is filled by a different person (or group of people), and that one person isn’t performing more than one role.

The Architect is the one responsible for creating the blueprint or the design (this is what Ministry Architects does for churches), the General Contractor is responsible for making sure that the blue print is being followed and that the skilled craftspeople have everything they need in order to do their jobs well (typically the paid or volunteer youth director), and the Skilled Craftspeople are the ones doing the building (typically volunteers who are matched up with their gifts and passions).

In many instances though, especially in small churches, a volunteer who had been serving in the role of skilled craftsman for years has been asked to become the youth director. And since the volunteer loves building relationships with youth, they are excited for the opportunity. What they may not realize, though, is that an effective youth director with good general contracting abilities understands that only 35% of their time should be spent with youth. A good general contractor pours 65% of their time into engaging parents and empowering and equipping volunteers.

In what role have you been asked to serve? Are you living into that role?

Are you training the volunteers? Even if you are a volunteer, you’re the leader now. The other volunteers on your team need training and guidance.

Are you engaging parents? Are you encouraging them and equipping them to be the primary tenders of their son’s or daughter’s faith?

It’s hard making the shift from a skilled craftsperson to a general contractor. Not everyone is capable of filling those shoes, but most general contractors have done exactly that. They served as a youth advisor, they fell in love with youth ministry, and they took the plunge.  They understood that youth ministry isn’t just about youth. How are your general contracting skills?

Geez and yikes. This was hard. I’ve done it before but it felt somehow “more” this time around. I can’t tell you how many times I had the thought, “Oh, l’ll ask that question on FB.” Or, “What would my tweep friends say about that?” Then I’d remember my Sabbath fast and think, “Guess I’ll just have to talk to my family…or God.” What a horrible default thought!

The quietness was loud at first. But as the weekend progressed, I found myself chatting with God about many things and a sweet dialogue ensued.

The four days passed, Easter was celebrated at Casa Caro and nothing fell apart because of my disconnect to the info superhighway. As you can see, I’m connected again.

What did I learn from this about my ministry? About myself? I’d tell you, but I think I’ll stick to chatting with God about this one. Take what you need from my experience. Better yet, try it for yourself.

Here’s what I mean. You know how the whole subject around dealing with volunteers is at the top of most youth workers to-do list, right? Or rather at the top of the to-complain-about list? In talking with people about their volunteer management style, I’ve found a trend (there are others, but that’s for another blog) where the youth worker recruits the volunteer…then does everything for them instead. The volunteer never gets to step up to the plate.

When I asked those youth workers why they’re taking the volunteers’ jobs back, the answer often sounded something like, “Oh, my volunteers are SO busy. I just wanted to make it easy for them.” Or maybe, “I’m so grateful to have them, I didn’t want to tax them too much.”

So think through your own scenario; one of three things is REALLY happening:

1) You’re so far behind in planning that you didn’t have time to give the volunteer what they needed. Stop it. (Start planning ahead.)

2) You’re afraid they’ll quit so you do their work, thinking it will make them happy. Stop it. (Start letting others have the pleasure of using their gifts.)

3) You’re controlling, secretly want it done your way and are afraid to turn it over to someone else. Stop it.  (Start letting the Holy Spirit control things. He’s way better at it.)

Something to think about, hmmm?

Stephanie

When working with a church or talking with youth workers, here are five common mistakes or dynamics i often see at work. Check if these sound familiar to you:

1) No Volunteer Packet: The best volunteers want to know what to expect. They’re not afraid of hard work; they’re more afraid of the unknown work. Give them a packet with their job description, calendar, vol expectations, etc.

2) You give and take away: Volunteers signed up to do what they were asked to do. They don’t want to make the effort to participate and prepare only to have you do their job for them.

3) A “fly by the seat of your pants” approach only works for pilots: I met a woman this weekend who anyone would love to have on their YM team. The reason she quit working with the YM? “I love (name of YP) but he was too hard to work with. Always late w things I asked for. I just gracefully faded away.”

4) You don’t get because you don’t ask: Want something done? Ask a busy person. A huge recruiting mistake is never asking someone in the first place. You assume their answer will be “no.” Let them say no for themselves. 

5) An “Eeyore” reputation: “Whoa is me. I can’t get any volunteers. Our YM isn’t that great anyway. I’m all I got.” (Said in a pitiful voice). Who wants to be a part of that? No one, that’s who! So, stop it. No one want a ticket on the Titanic when a Carnival Cruise is so much more fun.

Stephanie