What am I talking about?

Storytelling.

More specifically, I’m talking about the stories we create and tell ourselves regarding another person’s actions and motivations.

Here’s how it works:

Someone does something which directly or indirectly affects us. We immediately create a story that “explains things”, and then we have an emotional reaction to the story. Finally, to one degree or another, we act on those emotions. We believe the story we’ve created and then act on it as if it were true.

Here’s the rub: they usually aren’t true. No, actually, they’re usually a complete work of fiction.

Let me give you an example…

Shane is sitting at a stop light waiting to make a left turn when a homeless man approaches his window and asks for money. In an instant he thinks, I saw something on the news about fake bums making $600 to $1000 a day panhandling. This guy is probably trying to scam me. Besides, even if he really is homeless, he’s just gonna spend the money on drugs or alcohol anyway. This guy thinks I’m stupid.

Irritated, he rolls up his window while muttering something about “Piece of shit. Get a job.” and quickly speeds off as the light turns green.

Shane made up a story about the homeless man’s motivations, had an emotional response to the story, and then acted congruent with that response. All without ever really knowing anything about the man.

No bueno.

Lets break down Shane’s story and see if we can identify some of the flaws in his thinking, okay? Here we go…

“I saw something on the news about fake bums making $600 to $1000 a day panhandling. This guy is probably trying to scam me.”

[*Distortion: Shane's perception is distorted because he's associating input from the past (vicarious experience?) with his current experience. *Generalization: Because he saw a news segment about *some* panhandling scammers, Shane makes a generalization in assuming ALL panhandlers are probably scammers raking in the free money.]

“Besides, even if he really is homeless, he’s just gonna spend the money on drugs or alcohol anyway.”

[Again, Shane is making a generalization. He's also predicting the future, but I don't know what that's called *shrugs*]

“This guy thinks I’m stupid.”

[Mind Reading: Shane suddenly *knows* what the homeless man is thinking. Somehow I really doubt that, don't you?]

So, as you can undoubtedly see, the story Shane created for himself was little more than wild speculation steeped in flawed thinking.

Yet, Shane believed his story. He believed it enough to become irritated, and then act on that emotion.

Sad, right?

Well, what’s really sad is we all do this many times a day… and we’re completely unaware we’re doing it.

We do it when driving. We do it with co-workers. We do it with clients. We do it to the people we love – our significant others, or family, our children.

We do it because that’s how we operate. It’s a hardwired survival mechanism. And, without becoming consciously aware of the process, we’ll probably do it until the day we die.

That’s why I’m posting this; to bring the process to awareness.

Once we’re aware we can actively take control of the thought process. I believe that, when take control of the thought process, life immediately becomes less stressful and more rewarding.

I mean, just imagine how differently Shane’s situation could have turned out if he would’ve been aware of the flaws in his story. If he would have just thought, Stop! Is is possible there’s another story? Maybe a story that doesn’t assume a negative intent?

Shane might have felt compassion instead of irritation. He might have given the homeless man a few dollars. He could have felt good about himself, instead of fending off shame with his fictional story as justification. And, you never know, those few dollars might have made all the difference in the world to the homeless man.

So here’s the deal… the challenge… the idea…

Tomorrow make a conscious effort to be on the lookout for these brief moments of story creation. Interrupt the process. Ask if there could be a different story. Then ask yourself if believing your story is emotionally constructive or destructive.

Choose your story wisely.

Live happy,

This afternoon I was sitting at a restaurant rereading  The 12 Factors of Business Success by Dave Lakhani and Kevin Hogan. It has a great chapter on self-discipline and I was trying to feed my mind before writing this post. Anyway, the waitress brought my food to the table so I put the book aside, broke out the ipod, and started listening to The Miracle of Self-Discipline by Brian Tracy while I ate.

That’s when the topic of this post changed.

A few minutes into the audio he started talking about The Discipline of Clear Thinking. He talked a bit about the necessity for clear thinking and some of the benefits we enjoy from it. Then, a few minutes later, he started outlining a process for dealing with a “troubling situation or relationship”. When he started talking about writing it all down on paper I was thinking, “Yeah, blah blah blah. Tell me something I don’t know, dude.” So, yeah, moments later he did…

He suggested looking at the situation (or relationship) and asking yourself this question:

“What assumptions am I making about this ___________ ?”

Hmmm, powerful question, right?

Anyway, he went on to talk about how business owners often times make assumptions about their market or competitors. Then, rather than the way things actually are, they see things congruent with those assumptions. Basically, they see what they want to see.

He mentions how difficult it is for some business and individuals to let go of those assumptions and see things as they really are. Without actively and deliberately setting out to identify false assumptions, we continue to interact as if they are facts… at least until we’re bitch-slapped by reality (I’m paraphrasing here ).

I stopped the audio and thought about this for a while.

Without any effort at all I can think of several occasions where I made some negative assumptions about a situation and suddenly everything in my world lined up perfectly with those assumptions.

For instance, a few months ago a “lay-off” rumor started floating around the office where I worked. Based on my position there and project finances, I assumed I was probably on “the list”. Soon after everything that happened was “evidence” I was going to be cut. My behavior changed. I started acting like I was going to get cut loose. And, even though I wasn’t really on “the list”, my boss didn’t fail to live up to my expectations.

And then there is the flip-side…

You hear about these folks who come into an industry completely ignorant about “how things work” and end up being wildly successful. They came in with rose colored glasses, seeing things as they wanted to see them, and they made assumptions then acted as if those assumptions were fact. Success.

I think this “assumption” thing can be a double-edged sword of sorts. In some cases it can lead to your downfall, and in other cases keep you from becoming discouraged or disenchanted in the face of adversity. Oddly, I think in both cases, positive and negative,  it could be a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Hmm, not sure.

What I do know for sure is this; when the stakes are high, or you’re emotionally invested in situation, analyzing for false assumptions and “seeing things as they are” is a very difficult task indeed.

What do you think? Are assumptions a bad thing by default, or do they have a place somewhere in the realm of the positive?