Seasoned Sex ~ Sex and The Older Woman

What Would You Do With a Male Escort?

Pamela — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:17:31 +0000

Diane Keaton has her signature gesture of disapproval—she grimaces like a kid being forced to eat fried liver and bats her hands around as though shooing off a hornet. An interview with her appeared in the November issue of MORE magazine, and she had just that reaction when asked about a man in her life. Then she added, “I don’t think men even look at me anymore. If anything could work in that area, it would probably be if I paid him. Then I think we could work out an affable relationship.”

At which point it dawned on me that she was talking about hiring a male escort.

Storm Astor, a man who can listen.

Now, I am in no way suggesting Diane Keaton has or even wants to employ the services of a male escort. She was joking (I think) and it got me thinking.

Would I hire a male escort if I had the money (it’s not cheap)? Would you? Are male escorts becoming more acceptable since HBO launched the series, Hung, about a school teacher who finds out his biggest asset is between his legs, not his ears?

Regular readers may remember I’ve touched on this subject before. Let’s just say, things got weird. And I still didn’t get any answers so I’m taking another crack at the topic.

At the recommendation of Holly, a high-end female escort who also runs a website for male escorts, I interviewed Storm Astor (do I have to tell you that’s not his real name?) by email since he’s based in the UK.

Storm sounds like a genuinely nice guy and I’ve no reason to doubt his stories. He describes how he got into the business when his ex-wife explained, “You don’t have to fuck them and I guarantee there are loads of wealthy ladies out there who would love to have you on their arm at functions and dinners.” (We know who had the business brains in that family.)

Here’s what I learned from Storm and Holly. Male escorts provide many benefits but oddly sex is not the most important one. Far more than sex, female clients value talk—the kind where he’s actually listening.

So successful male escorts have good communication skills but what else do you get for your money?

If Storm’s stories and promotional copy are any indication, you can “expect a guy who exceeds your expectations with just one smile…an angel and devil in one (think Hugh Grant crossed with Colin Firth)…a shoulder to cry on…a romantic hero…a cowboy…the kind of man you didn’t think existed…” He also adds, “Why, you will you will keep turning around wondering where my sword-bearer and white horse have gone.”

You have to love a guy who knows his way around a hot tub.

In short, you’re getting true romance. The kind of thing women can only dream of.

Now let’s say you’re a more practical gal and you need a little more than romance. What else can a male escort be for you? I asked Storm:

The perfect gentleman at a black tie event or the dreaded Christmas party you have to go to
The charming date for a family event where you can show your annoying relatives once and for all that you’re no spinster!
A companion who can fill your weekend with pampering after you’ve exhausted yourself working from “silly o’clock to midnight” every weekday
A man’s opinion for when you’re clothes shopping and you don’t want to deal with the boyfriend’s sulking because he’s missing some game
A vacation where everything is taken care of—“all you need to do is show up with your passport and luggage.”

Good grief. Who’s the idiot who said money can’t buy happiness?

Female Hormones and Weight Gain

Pamela — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 20:58:35 +0000

Calling all chubby cougars. Here’s weight loss help! Everything you need to know about female hormones and weight gain.

Recently, I got invited to a cougar-themed birthday party. The birthday girl was turning 40 and wanted to celebrate her finally qualifying for the club that has more fun (the cougar club–what else?) by forcing all her friends to wear animal prints and behave very badly.

So far, so good, right?

Except for when I arrived and scoped out the “jungle scene,” I couldn’t help but notice that most of the cougars were, well, on the chubby side.

Okay, they were fat.

Now before you go and flip out about that word, let me just say, it’s not about being a certain shape, as in a size zero. I’m nowhere close to that and never want to be. It’s about being in shape, whatever your shape may be. You know–fit, tight, a nice package, with nothing that could flap around in a strong wind. Put that in a bowl and you’ll have every cub in a hundred mile radius lapping it up.

So, what had happened to these gals (and guys)?

Dr. Eric Honing, BodyLogicMD: The guy you want to see when your hormones derail.

I can’t speak for the guys but I’ve got a pretty good idea about what happens for the gals. Blame it on hormones–specifically, estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. When you hit your forties, they just aren’t working in your favor anymore.

What’s a cougar to do? Why talk to a doctor, of course. But not just any doctor—someone who specializes in hormones and the haywire they can cause.

Luckily, I didn’t have to go far to find one. Dr Eric Honing of BodyLogicMD specializes in hormone balancing, anti-aging and regenerative medicine using bioidentical hormones. Most of his practice is women over forty. I called him up and asked him if he could help slim a chubby cat. He kindly obliged, sympathetic, as he is, to the fact that weight is a huge issue for women.

I’ve summarized what he told me here:

WHEN PROGESTERONE DROPS: Starting in the thirties, women begin to experience the effects of so called “estrogen dominance.” This happens when progesterone levels drop and results in weight being put on around belly and thighs. There are other symptoms, too, including: loss of energy, anxiety, depression, irritability, edema, drop in libido, and poor sleeping. “At this stage,”
says Dr Honing, “We focus on restoring levels of progesterone using bioidentical hormone in capsule or cream form. It’s very effective.”

WHEN ESTROGEN DROPS: As women get closer to menopause, they begin to experience a drop in estrogen, bringing symptoms, such as, hot flashes, loss of skin elasticity, increased skin wrinkling, poor memory, low libido, and increased urinary tract infections. Estrogen also helps keep brain serotonin levels up (similar to antidepressants, which also increase serotonin levels). When serotonin drops, it triggers sugar cravings. “At this stage,” says Dr Honing, “We’re monitoring to restore estrogen.”

WHEN TESTOSTERONE DROPS: Testosterone is also important for regulating weight. It helps reduce body fat, and build muscle mass and tone. It also increases libido and improves mood. Testosterone starts dropping in the thirties so it’s important to restore this hormone, too.

Progesterone, testosterone, and estrogen are just the beginning. Dr Honing explained that it’s also important to check the adrenal glands and the thyroid gland. The adrenals make DHEA and cortisol. DHEA affects weight because half of the testosterone our body makes comes from DHEA. Cortisol also affects weight: if it’s too high due to, say, a stressful lifestyle, it causes weight gain. If it’s too low due to, say, burn out (adrenal exhaustion), the body has a hard time shedding excess weight no matter how much you diet or exercise. Restoring progesterone levels and taking adrenal supplements help rebuild the adrenals, as does reducing stress and exercising.

Dr Honing also assesses thyroid levels and checks for insulin resistance. Insulin resistance increases the ratio of fat to muscle. It’s related to a diet high in refined carbohydrates, smoking, and high alcohol consumption.

So let’s say you find a Dr Honing in your area and you fix all your hormones, what can you expect? Will the weight just drop off?

Nothing is that simple. “We look at everything—fitness, supplements, diet, stress, and hormones, says Dr Honing, “Because one thing can affect everything else.” The great thing about restoring balance, he adds, is that it pays dividends on every level of your life. And the weight loss? “You can expect to restore your normal body weight,” says Dr Honing, “And for some women who have not had good balance throughout their lives, the weight may drop even lower.”

Word of caution. This isn’t a one size fits all approach. Hormone levels need to customized to your exact needs. Then you need to monitor that. My advice? Find a good doctor, someone who specializes in this stuff. It doesn’t hurt if he’s good looking, too (have you seen Dr Honing’s picture?).

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Why Women Have Sex

Pamela — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:33:08 +0000

LOTS OF REASONS TO HAVE SEX. FEWER MEN.

What is good sex for? I’ve asked myself that a million times and come up with the uninspired answer—it feels good. Thankfully there is now real research providing hundreds of more reasons, some even surprising. All of which explains why sex gets so complicated for women especially—we ask a lot from it.

As reported in Time on October 6, Cindy Meston and David Buss, psychologists at the University of Texas, interviewed over 1,000 women around the world for their book Why Women Have Sex. They list 237 reasons, with the most frequent including:

sexual attraction to the person
desire for physical pleasure
to express affection
to express their love for a person
they were sexually aroused and wanted release

Other less obvious reasons are:

to boost self-esteem or sexual esteem
to get revenge (as in, getting back at a cheating partner, or having sex with the partner of a friend who had poached her partner)
to secure “mate insurance” in case a partner dumps them
to relieve pain
to achieve health benefits such as getting rid of a headache
to decrease stress
to lose weight
as a sleep aid
for benefits such as “getting her partner to take out the garbage, securing free dinners or getting expensive gifts”

Men, on the other hand, are more likely to have sex simply because the opportunity presents itself or they need something to brag about to their peers.

No surprises there.

But here’s a finding that gave me pause, mostly because I’ve noticed it more lately. Researchers documented that the practice of “mate-poaching” was higher than expected. That’s the frequency with which women try to lure men who are already “taken,” either for a short-term sexual liaison or a longer-term relationship. Turns out most women have experienced mate-poaching in one form or another, either as the mate poacher or as the victim.

I know I have, when I was married, in fact. I remember looking over at my husband at the time; he was dancing with the girlfriend of the host at a New Year’s party. I thought to myself, “that’s so cute,” and actually waved at them. He’s married to her now.

I like to think I’m a little sharper these days. Especially since the older I’ve become, the more it seems the pool of eligible men has shrunk to a teardrop. When this happens say the researchers, sexual competition with other women gets more fierce.

I’m the last person to encourage you to eyeball your girlfriend suspiciously as, awestruck, she watches your husband take out the garbage. Unless of course she unbuttons the top of her blouse and bends over a lot as she asks for seconds at the dinner table.

Nope, I’m all about the proactive approach. Rather than rely on your peers for intimate relations, venture forth beyond the generation gap. Expand that dating drop to an ocean. Consider, dare I say, a younger man.

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The Truth About Male Escorts

Pamela — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:35:52 +0000

FREE RANGE COCK.

I know, I know. You’re just dying to find out what it’s like to go out with a male escort—to have a “date” completely on your terms. Of course, you’re also curious to discover just what the draw is from the customer’s point of view for, allegedly, the oldest profession in the world (prostitution, which for the most part, has put women on the service provider side the equation).

Now before you get your fingers all covered in chocolate, I don’t mean to imply that all male escorts are gigolos (for more on male escorts, see my earlier post). I’m sure most of them are only too happy to fill the empty chair beside you at some boring charity event—laughing at your jokes, telling you how beautiful and smart and sexy you are, and ensuring that your wine glass floweth over. Charging you a mere $200 per hour (with a two hour minimum) for all that stroking and wholesome pleasure. That at least is the “Handyman’s” rate (AKA, adonis). Thanks to the ravings of one very satisfied customer (Tamara Clark, who said I could use her real name), I’ve come to learn about his dating assets in considerable detail.

Part One: The Customer Review

Me and my girlfriends all went out to Friday’s to eat and booked a room at a hotel here in Chicago[1]. After we finish eating we went to the hotel etc. I went to use the ladies room and notice a gold card right by the dryer. I picked it up and notice it had male courtesan on it and I already know what it was…LOL. I don’t know why but I picked it up. So after my girlfriends went to sleep I went to the website address that was on the card, and I must say I was shocked. I really didn’t think there where guys out there that did this.[2] Anywho I sent him an email and we chatted for a few weeks, but he would not give me a picture. I asked him why and he said he doesn’t just give out pictures to any woman that asks because that’s a waste of time. He only shows the picture after you are sure you want to book a date[3]. I was because when I read he was 12 inches wanted to know LMAO[4]. When he sent me his picture I was wet LOL. I liked what I saw so we had set up a date. His fee for me was 500.00 flat rate[5], That wasn’t bad at all…I was soo nervous. I just put on a coogi dress[6] and some high heels. We met up at a pool hall, When he walked in my whole face lid up LOL. He smelled sooooo good (dam he smelled good). I was ready to fuck him right there. He was in a business suit. He played pool and laser tag[7]. He has a great personality[8]. After we played tag we went to eat but I could not eat, I wanted to fuck him. So we did but I wanted it to be exciting for me did it in my truck LMAO. HIS DICK WAS HUGE. I LICKED THAT DICK LIKE IT WAS CANDY LMAO[9]. No hotel, just straight wild in my truck LOL[10]. I never had that much fun in my life. One of my girlfriends is about to go out with him this month. I don’t want any other escort but him and I will be using his services again around Thanksgiving[11]. No man never made my kitty that sore LOL[12]. Oh yeah here is the link to his site: http://freewebs.com/handymaninc

My Footnotes:

1.    This is a common thing in Chicago. After the girlfriends go for dinner they book themselves into a nice hotel for a group sleepover.
2.    When I read that I went to the website immediately. It wasn’t so shocking. There are no nudie pics on it, just shots of romantic settings–as though women care about that kind of thing.
3.    This is something else particular to Chicago, where all the women are brave and think nothing of hooking up with a guy they’ve never seen and whose card they’ve found in a public bathroom.
4.    LMAO is, amazingly, my exact response to learning a guy has a dick the size of a pony’s—as in, “you think that’s going in here? [pointing to crotch] Funny! Really funny! [peals of laughter]”
5.    Cheap.
6.    Can someone help me–what the hell is a “coogi dress”?
7.    Just when I was starting to think this guy was a one-trick pony, I find out he plays pool and laser tag—and in a business suit and with cologne on. He should be charging extra for that.
8.    Do we care?
9.    I hear the jaw surgery afterward went well and she’s recovering nicely.
10.    WTF, if you’re paying that kind of money for a date, you’d at least want to check into a Motel 6 or some other special place.
11.    Mom is going to love this guy. Dad, too.
12.    I have often rated a guy’s performance based on how sore my kitty got.

Part Two: My Further Commentary

OMG, ROTFLMAO!

I’m so glad I wasn’t born yesterday because AFAIK, this review was written by a bot or the male escort himself who’s clearly seen his dick and knows of what he writes.

IMHO.

PS: I could be wrong. But I doubt it.

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If Your Depression Could Talk…

Pamela — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:05:44 +0000

I was talking with my Ma the other day about my relationships. She was a little sad, worried even, that I was single yet again, having recently broken up with Michael (my ex-cub, 19 years my junior). It was the yet again part that got to me—as in, I’ve blown it yet again, as in I’ve wasted time yet again, as in I’ll be whining and sobbing about being single and alone yet again. Not that my Ma said any of this. It’s just that I beat myself up when things don’t go the way I think they should—which is, if I’m being honest, all the time.

Then I had this other thought. While often lonely and frustrating, the periods between relationships have often been the most productive times in my life. There’s something about the magnetic pull of a man that just throws me off course—sometimes for years (I know, I’m so weak.) Next thing you know, I’ve lost all track of myself.

Yes, I had lunch with this guy, leadership expert, Austin Vickers (AustinVickers.com). And yes he's fascinating. And yes he's single. Just one of the perks of being a blogger.

I was blathering on about this to Austin Vickers, a good friend of a good friend of mine whom I finally got a chance to have lunch with. I’d heard about Austin’s work as a writer and speaker, about his transformation from corporate attorney to leadership expert, about the documentary film he was creating, and I thought, now there’s a productive guy. And, will you look at that—he’s not in a relationship. How does he do it?

“Austin,” I said breathing a loud sigh. “How do I stay out of a relationship and stay focused on me?” Austin has a reassuring, I can help you demeanor and he’s direct too—I knew he wouldn’t let me wiggle away from a topic with excuses or ahem, B.S.

“Well,” he said calmly. “I’d start by asking that question the other way around: How can you stay in a relationship and stay focused on you? Then, I’d want to know what is it about a relationship that serves you? What do you get out of it? There’s a reason you want one. The secret is learning to identify what relationship brings you and then finding ways to bring that same thing to yourself.”

I chewed on my mushroom and leek tart and thought hard. “Sex,” I said sounding superficial. “And, I guess, attention, and it makes me feel young and alive.”

“Okay, that’s good,” said Austin. “But now, can you express that in terms of values, with a value being a higher principle, not a benefit—in other words, something that drives behavior, not the action itself. So, for instance, sex might satisfy a value around love and connection.”

“I’d have to say freedom, passion, and truth,” I said slowly, not being one to ponder values. “Younger guys seem so much more excited about life and less likely to judge me, which I find freeing.”

“Do you need a partner to feel those things?” Austin asked.

“It seems a lot easier,” I said not sure where he was going.

“Is it really?” he challenged. “You told me earlier, and the evidence would suggest, that you find being in a relationship challenging.”

“You caught me in my own logic, you, attorney, you!” This guy had a way of cutting right to the heart of the matter.

“Look at it this way,” Austin said taking another tact. “When I need physical intimacy, I get a massage. Sure it’s nonsexual but it’s still human touch. When I need emotional intimacy, I I call a friend. The more I fulfill those underlying values that I’ve identified as coming from a relationship, guess what it does to my need to be with someone in an exclusive relationship? It takes that need away. And guess what else, now I’m in love. But instead of being in love with some other person I can’t really control or rely upon, I’m in love with who I am, with my life, with the moment, and the things I love to do. That’s magnetic. When you have that, well, who’s not going to be attracted to you?” I learned back and looked at him closely. It seemed so simple yet I’d never focused on my values before.

Austin went on to describe how this approach of shifting from a behavioral identification to a values identification also works for problems such as depression, anger, or even addictions. I asked him to apply it to depression since it’s so common in women over forty.

“Most of us believe depression is bad,” said Austin. “We want to take a pill and make the behavior of depression go away. I want to know, how is it good? What are the underlying values of depression? And what is it trying to tell you?”

I looked at him perplexed. “How can depression ever be a good thing?” I said.

Austin took a few minutes to take a bite of his enchilada. All the talking had kept him from even tasting his food. “Think of depression as a messenger that comes from deep inside yourself,” he explained. “It knocks at your door because it has a message for you. And it’s persistent–the more you ignore it, deny it, or try to silence it with drugs, the louder it knocks.”

“Who wants to hear that message?” I said. “You know it’s bad—something that will make you uncomfortable or bring up feelings you don’t like.”

“But what if the banging to get your attention is the worst part?” said Austin. “And what if listening to the message could save your life, help you grow in vital way, and stop the banging. Would you still want to run from it?”

I nodded slowly and looked at him intensely. Austin continued.

“I’ll give you an example from my life because I used to suffer from bad depression when I was an attorney working in a left brain world. There were weeks where I’d suffer, often curled up in a fetal position dreading any social interaction and feeling terrible. Then, I had this thought–what if depression is trying to tell me something important? So I sat with my depression trying to find an underlying value that it was trying to bring me. That’s when I realized for the first time that I was often very creative when I was depressed. Rather than socializing I would stay home depressed and write. Ninety percent of my book was written when I didn’t feel like going out with friends and just sat at home writing.”

“That’s amazing,” I said. “Because I can’t get out of bed when I’m depressed—let alone write anything.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re still fighting the depression and not listening to it,” offered Austin. “I would actually accelerate my depressions. I’d listen to sad music, insulate myself, and get my pen and paper out to give myself to the message of depression. As I began to view my depression as bringing me the gift of creativity, I welcomed it rather than repressed it. And I more actively began to consciously bring creativity into my life as a daily habit, so that depression didn’t need to show up to lead me in a creative direction. Once I gave depression a new meaning and made space for it in my life, guess what happened to the depression? It released its message and went away.”

I thought of myself and some of my friends, women in their forties and fifties who were depressed over all the loss in their lives—loss of their youthful selves, marriages, and even careers in these tough times. What values did those things represent and could you really satisfy them in other ways?

“The problem isn’t that we experience depression, or anger, or any other normal human emotion,” Austin said as though reading my mind. “It’s that, because we don’t like the feelings they produce, we dismiss them without taking the time to look more deeply into them to find the underlying values, which are always the most important starting point.”

“You’re a hot, eligible, forty-something guy,” I said abruptly changing tact . “What do you think about this whole cougar thing? Or put another way, what do you think of older women who value guys in their twenties?” I cleared my throat and looked at him expectantly.

Austin smiled. “Well if it’s a hot cougar turning me down for a younger boy, I don’t like it,” he kidded. “Otherwise, I think people are too judgmental about things like that. I think that the cougar is really looking to create certain values in her life that come from that guy who is in his twenties. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to create values like spontaneity, enthusiasm and hope that he probably brings to her.”

I was into my second cup of coffee by this point in the conversation, relieved to hear that change wasn’t so complicated—more a matter of perspective, really. We finished off our lunch by talking about the importance of listening to your inner voice. I knew doing just that had taken my life into a completely different direction. Clearly, it had done the same for Austin. He was busy shooting his upcoming documentary, People v. The State of Illusion. He’d recently made it possible to experience his coaching process online while also contributing to a charitable cause. You can learn more at his website, austinvickers.com. If you sign up for Austin’s coaching program and write SeasonedSex in the promotion code field, you get your first month free. See how much I love you?

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