Second Hand Addiction

Miracles That Follow as You Heal from Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 22:56:00 +0000

If you don't know what Second Hand Addiction means, it is the sickness of body mind and spirit that often accompanies living with and/or loving a person with any sort of an addiction. It is as if you are breathing the Second Hand Smoke of another person's toxic behavior- and you are getting sick. In this blog I do not say that an addicted person is bad, or demonic in any way, but rather I say that he or she is so devastatingly ill of body mind and spirit that all those around him or her become sick as well. Therapists will often call the behaviors of the loved ones of an addicted person co-dependent, as if the person is addicted to a substance and the loved one is addicted to the person. This is often not far from the truth.

But in this blog I try to give you a deeper understanding of what Second Hand Addiction (or co-dependency) can look like in your life, so that you can recognize it, if it is present. Be aware that we often live in fierce denial as Second Hand Addicts, and we are also lied to a lot by our addicted loved ones, so it is best to say "if you spot it, you got it" and get the help you need. Be aware also that there are other reasons that these disabling codependent traits can show up in a person, but I always say...

Get the help you need as if you do love someone with an addiction, and worry about the root cause later. Have no fear, for you will understand your personal situation more as you go along. However it is vital to get help if you have the traits of a Second Hand Addict as described in this blog. Please pick from the myriad "other entries" on my side bar to learn more about how Second Hand Addiction looks.

Today I want to talk about miracles that follow when you heal from your own Second Hand Addiction and rid yourself of co-dependency. If you stick to the job of healing and growth, using every technology that you can find, you will begin to see yourself acting instead of reacting- letting go of fear, anxiety, and pain and interacting powerfully and even joyfully in this moment of now- no matter what is happening around you.

Eckhart Tolle who wrote the Power of Now calls this newly emerging state in humanity the state of being 'conscious', and he calls other less-evolved states that of being 'unconscious.' Landmark Education (on my side bar) calls it living a created life, as opposed to being at the effect of your past experiences. The Law of Attraction and the movie The Secret call this same state of being 'living in the vortex'- stating that as you live in a positive zone, a synergy or flood of positive effects comes back at you. The twelve step programs call this same state of being having a "Spiritual Awakening." Yoga and Buddhism call it enlightenment.

But any way you name this state, you will see miracles happen both within and outside of yourself if you pursue this now presence, and the inner peace and joy that typically surrounds it.

There are many tools that will help you access now presence- many of which I have personally used. Some of these are; meditation, yoga, physical exercise, Tai Chi, network chiropractic, reiki, inner body and inner child work, Tai Kwon Do, mind entrainment, The Landmark Forum, addictions/family therapy, healing reatreats, 12-step meetings, group therapy processes, energy work, The Millionaire Mind, The Sterling Men's/ Women's group, reading of philosophy and of daily meditations such as Melody Beattie and Louise Hay. Some of these tools deal with the mind, some deal with the body, and some deal with the spirit, but this 3-pronged approach is necessary because in order to truly grow and heal we must deal with all 3 aspects of our own humanity- our own body, our own mind, and our own spirit.

If you do this, you will then be amazed to see the people around you shift as well.

I found out just how powerful my own healing has been for my children (15, 13, and 12) recently when they took a stand for their dad to get help with his own alcohol problem. They did not make him wrong. They did not react to all of the negative that his sickness was saying about me. They had the presence to remember only their love for him and their desire that he get help. They even asked me to leave the room when he vented toward me, and when I, out of some residual angst, seemed to press a bit too hard.

As I stood in the hallway a room away, I saw in my children an ability to be present, in the moment, conscious, and quick thinking that was truly astounding. At one moment, during an alcohol-induced tirade that I was out to get him and would never let him be with them, my daughter (age 12) said "But dad, she can't keep you from us if you aren't drunk or drinking." This blatant truth, said with no defense and no attack, but just love and honesty- stopped him dead in his tracks- despite the alcohol in his system. Soon thereafter he made a commitment to go and was driven to Newark airport and put on the plane. after a 12 year process to have this happen.

Now I do not suggest that any of you try this at home. Don't try to convince a drinking alcoholic to get treatment, with just you and your children there and without professional assistance. Please remember that it has been a twelve year process in our family to get to that state of being, and I work in the field of substance abuse prevention, so my expertise is high. For the layman, such an attempt could be very dangerous. I was unsure myself when I saw my ex-husband's state that day if we should not give it up. But we all stayed in the now, and took it moment by moment, and somehow it worked.

But the point of my story is that my children were the ones to accomplish that miracle. My oldest boy was the person to first set a bottom line. Coming from love two days earlier he said to his dad "Get treatment or I cannot interact with you anymore." My daughter contributed by being fully in the moment, and not defending or attacking- even though she knew all that he said was crazy. And my middle son was the straw that broke the camel's back when he climbed in his dad's lap, tears in his 13-year-old eyes, and asked his dad to please go to treatment because he loved him and wanted him in his life.

And the most astounding thing is that I feel I have not done near enough with my children for their own personal growth. So that I truly believe that much of what they learned, they learned through the processes of osmosis. And even more astounding to me is that they are even better at being present and conscious, when necessary, than I am. And I have spent thousands of man hours on the process- old dogs being the hardest to teach.

So that in conclusion all of this proves that we can change the world, and create miracles, by starting with our own selves.

And by shifting ourselves, we then shift all generations to come.

But the journey starts with a single step, so see my side bar for resources.

Tools for Dealing With Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 22:55:00 +0000

Many people have asked me "What do I do if I love someone with an addiction? What are the tools to help me get through?" So in this post I am going to just talk about the tools (Body, mind, and spirit) that will make a difference in your life of loving someone with an addiction.

Alanon (Mind, Spirit)
This is a 12-step group for families and friends of alcoholics. It is an essential tool for those who want to learn a better way to function in life. Those who love drug addicts can go to Nar-anon, Those who love gambling addicts can go to Gam-anon. Those who love anorexics, bulimics and compulsive eaters can got to O-Anon and so forth. CODA (Or Codependents Anonymous) is extremely helpful for those from all backgrounds who act in codependent ways- and feel like they lose themselves in other people, people pleasing, and the like.
Meditation, Entrainment, and the like (Mind, Spirit)
Getting a daily dose of meditation is hugely helpful to those who struggle with codependency, or Second Hand Addiction. Generally speaking, our codependent minds go a mile a minute- like a freight train. Usually the train is spiraling off the track with obsessive negative thoughts- so it is crucial to 'train' your mind to be still and at peace. There are many good meditation groups in most communities, and there are also two great tools on my side bar...Quantum Mind Power and Mind Sync. There is also a largess of calming music that can be used to quiet your inner mind-chaos- and for this purpose I highly recommend a healing singer called Shaina Knoll and her CD, "Songs for the Inner Child".
In addition you can begin to unlearn many bad thinking/belief habits by studying some good ones. I have three good tools for that on my side bar...The Science of being in 27 Lessons, Belief Buster Kit, and The Secret behind The Secret. (Also you should purchase and watch the movie "The Secret.")
Body Work (Body, Spirit, mind)
Body work consists of things like Yoga, Reiki, Physical Exercise, breathing techniques, and a particularly helpful division of chiropractic called Network Spinal Analysis. The use of some of these practices on a regular basis will begin to calm your spirit and mind. For me, I can truthfully tell you that it was Network Spinal Analysis and Dr. David Potter in North Brunswick, New Jersey that brought me through the stormy years of getting a divorce- when I was unsure if I would make it. Reiki was also hugely helpful, and there is also a good kit on my side bar for learning how to become a Reiki Master, called The Ultimate Reiki Package. Of course being a master who teaches others, will have a person much more adept himself. I know many people who have begun to teach body work to forward their journey of overcoming Second Hand Addiction.
Dealing with your own addictions (Body, Mind, Spirit)
Many people who love addicted people have their own subtle dependencies. Food addiction shows up in the lives of a lot of Second Hand Addicts, as does smoking. And it is difficult to become healthy around someone else's addiction if we are still swooped up in our own. For food addictions, you should go to Overeater's Anonymous or Food Addicts Anonymous. For Smoking you should go to Nicotine Anonymous. There are also two good tools on my side bar...Quit Smoking Right Now and Stop Sugar Cravings, a book about food addiction.
Group Therapy, Weekend Healing Retreats, etc
I believe it is absolutely crucial if you love someone with an addiction to get yourself around the professionals who know the disease. It is very good to sort things out for ourselves through 12 step groups such as Alanon- but when the bullet hits the bone I feel that you need to know the hard core facts of this disease. You should have that knowledge in the very cells of your body to arm yourself for your own journey forward.
I for one don't know where I would be if it were not for Ms. Gayle Potter, a most amazing addiction's therapist who began and ran the weekend program for families of addicted people at Carrier Clinic for 30 years.I spent many years going to her Women's group and healing retreats- and I can truly say that she was one of the most influential people in forming me, and helping me become an expert in the sickness of Second Hand Addiction

There are many other tools I can give you to heal the body, mind and spirit. But for now this should suffice. The crucial thing to remember is this...
You must address all three areas- body, mind, and spirit- because loving someone with an addiction has high probability of damaging and killing off all three areas. And it is important to note that codependents quite often die before their addicted loved ones, from similar diseases- all induced by stress.
Namaste

Smoking- A Body, Mind, Spirit Phenomenon

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 02:28:00 +0000

Below is an article from a series I wrote on Nicotine Addiction for those who may be interested. If you came to this site to find out about Second Hand Addiction- or the experience of loving someone with an addiction- please see my side-bar under "My Other Entries" for myriad articles on the subject.

I often see the commercials for the patch and various other tools that impact the physical body to try to help people quit smoking.

Whenever I do, I think to myself...it's probably not going to work.

Because what we don't deal with when we use the patch and other such devices is the fact that smoking is an addiction. And all addictions are body/mind/spirit. And puttiong the drug in yoru body to cure an addiction is somewhat questionable. However, I do not claim that it may not work for some people in some cases, if (and here's the crucial thing) if one also deals with the mind and spirit around smoking.

If you don't see the mind/spirit connection, and only see the body portion, consider this...

For the mind, don't those of us who smoke feel an intense need to do so when we are nervous, worried, afraid or concerned? Then, after that cigarette don't we feel a bit better, and more able to proceed with life? Don't we run to smoking to solve the issues that arise in our day, and to make us feel better?

For the spirit consider this...

Don't we constantly and consistently proceed with doing something that is slated to injure and even kill us? Don't we do this despite the fact that the people we love implore us to stop? Don't we continue to harm ourselves despite the fact that many of us have let our own selves down, and those that we love, over and over again. And don't we then make excuses and justifications, and even get angry at those we love for wanting us to quit.

If you think all of that is not killing to the spirit, think again.

And all of the patches in the world will not make a difference in this mind/spirit component.
So as you look to quit smoking, whatever method you choose, look also to deal with your emotional and spiritual health. Usually this is best done in community, with support groups such as Nicotine Anonymous, on my side-bar.

You should also make use of whatever methods you can find (yoga, exercise, chiropractic and healing modalities, etc.) to maintain a healthy body.

And, as said in my last article, never give up the fight. People who quit smoking successfully often do so after several thwarted attempts.

On the Desire to Live and Quitting Smoking

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 02:15:00 +0000

So in this article about quitting smoking it seems oddly appropriate to speak about my dad, who passed away last week. He was not a smoker, so that was not the issue. But the one thing I have to say is that for the past few years of his life he was truly not enjoying life.

By the end of his life my father had lost most of the things that had always formed his very happy personality. He could not tell a joke or sing a song. He could not be silly, jump about, or play with the grandchildren. In short he could not do anything except doze in a chair all day and sleep all night. He had all manner of ailments, not the least of which had been diabetes, so even the food he once loved was no longer his to enjoy.

Now this is a blog about helpful hints for quitting smoking. So why do I mention all of this here. Well first I would like to say that this blog is more along the lines of an inquiry, and I don't have all of the answers.

I have some answers to some questions- questions like "How do addictions work?" and "Why do people in general do what they do, in the way that they do it?" And I can make a good stab at helping people one-on-one to shift their behavior. But in the final analysis it is you and no-one else who will or won't quit smoking.

So in this inquiry about quitting smoking I have to make note of the fact that for my dad, and for a lot of people who leave us, it is often true that the heart and soul, or a person's will to live, is gone. And even though my dad struggled over the idea of leaving the people he loved, there was certainly a large piece of him that was ready to go.

So I take this into the realm of our inquiry by saying that if you are unhappy in your life for some reason, or if you have terminal and ongoing upsets and pain in your life, there won't be much chance that you will actually quit smoking? You will be living, like my dad, in confusion, with conflicting desires. One desire to stay in this world and another latent desire to leave it.

Now I would be the last one to say that all people who smoke are fulfilling death wishes. Smoking is an addiction and it is pretty hard to conquer the physical and emotional cravings. However I do say that my helpful hints for quitting smoking will not be useful to those who are actually living lives of misery. For such people, the primary important thing in life is to deal with your life- so that you can be happy.

So if you are someone in this situation it is vital that you A) Be honest with yourself about your unhappiness, and B) Take the steps to become happy. C) Then when you are happy- quit smoking. You can quit using a variety of methods- Nicotine Anonymous, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, hypnosis, and the like. And you should absolutely join Nicotine Anonymous on my side-bar to get the support that you need.

However, in the happiness department, I suggest that you take a course on my side-bar called The Landmark Forum.

My dad, by the way, loved life and was always happy until he became so ill. You can live that way too, if you're not there already.

My First Helpful Hints for Quitting Smoking

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 02:11:00 +0000

Below is an article from a series I wrote on Nicotine Addiction for those who may be interested. If you came to this site to find out about Second Hand Addiction- or the experience of loving someone with an addiction- please see the side-bar under "My Other Entries" for myriad articles on the subject.

I would like to share with you my helpful hints for quitting smoking from the perspective of smoking as a true, bona-fide addiction.

If you are what they call a long-term smoker you have probably struggled with the question…Why can’t I stop? You may have been baffled by the very insanity of it all. You know you should stop. Any thinking intelligent person would stop. Why is it that you can’t or won’t stop this killing behavior. Especially as it is quite literally putting you on a fast and unstoppable train bound for the land of ‘cancer.’ There must be some more helpful hints for quitting smoking, that actually work.

If you are in this situation, it might be interesting for you to note that nicotine has been called one of the most, if not the most, addictive substances on the face of the earth.

OK, so that’s a lot of talk. But what does it mean?

In essence, from an addiction standpoint, you have about 10 trillion cells in you body. Now with nicotine addiction, it will not take very long before every one of those 10 trillion cells is addicted to that substance. And when that happens, you’ve got trouble. You have a full blown addiction that is just as strong as any skid row addict’s dependency. But unlike the skid row addict, it seems you can operate relatively functionally with this addiction. So there is not the strong pull to get help for yourself. On the contrary, with ten trillion cells telling you to smoke, it’s pretty easy to ignore the claims that some day, in the future, you might get sick and die. From your cells point of view, you are dying now if you are not getting it.

Some people say one of the best ‘helpful hints for quitting smoking’ is the taper-off method. From an addiction standpoint, this is simply not such a good idea. You see, nicotine, like many drugs, produces or grows receptors in the body. The purpose of these receptors is to handle the overflow of huge amounts of a drug. And the only thing these receptors do is to ‘want the substance.’ If these receptors do not get the substance, they become very agitated. If they do not get the substance for a long time, the agitation begins to subside. In essences the receptors give up trying. So going cold turkey, if you can last that long, does have its benefits.

However, if these receptor sites, which are permanent and will never go away, begin to get even just a little bit of nicotine, they become agitated to the highest degree. They want the substance with a vengeance, now that they know it is present and available. Hence to taper off nicotine only makes it all the harder to quit.

The best way to quit, and permanently stay quit, of a nicotine addiction has yet to be determined. Certainly, like any other addiction, to get yourself to a 12-step program is not a bad idea. In this way you can handle this physical addiction the way people handle other killing addictions- the body, mind, and spirit way, and with a lot of support. And it might just save your life.

There are also a lot of people who espouse the method of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. The theory here is that since the brain and nervous system control the hands and the body- they could potentially over-ride the cells longing for the substance, as well as the receptors ‘kicking and screaming’ for it. But whichever method helps you to stop, be sure you never pick nicotine up again. Because if you do, you are bound to go right back down the road from whence you started.

"A Day in the Life of a Binge Eater"

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:08:00 +0000

If you came to this site to find out about Second Hand Addiction- or the experience of loving someone with an addiction- please see the side-bar under "Mu Other Entries" for myriad articles on the subject. Below is an excerpt from an anonymous story I found written by a food addict. Although many of us may not be this extreme, there is no saying that we may not get there. All addiction is progressive and gets worse as time goes by. This anonymous story will give you an idea of the seriousness of food addiction.

As you look at this entry, consider that food addiction is a body, mind, and spirit sickness. A compulsive eater binges- but he or she keeps it down, living with a constant bloated, sick feelings. An anorexic does not eat at all- for fear that he or she won't be able to stop enough to stay thin. And a bulimic binges and purges. Anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive eating are all forms of the same disease.

There is a strong physicological component in food addiction. Many people crave sugar and products that turn to sugar easily with the obsession of an alcoholic. There is an mind/ emotional component. People eat to anesthetize their pain. And there is a spiritual component, as food addicts often separate themselves from their spiritual essence.

The streets team with activity. Business beckons. Individual people focus on their individual purpose. I am without real purpose on this Manhattan avenue here on a downswing of another mindless burst of loose energy. My forces have dissipated. I feel the edge of the gray cloud of a binge. I ignore it: I push it away to focus instead on the glamor of the shop windows and the glitter of the street vendors' wares. I walk; half looking for a subway, half addressing the feeling that is now nagging-tapping me on the shoulder like the haunted ghosts of memories buried alive. It's useless to fight it now. I check the time; 10:20 a.m. I have about an hour to purge myself of the horror about to come.

The gourmet deli is before me. Muffins, croissants, and delicate pastries beckon me with thier cloying scent. A real 'city binge' I think crazily, comparing with the Hostess and Drakes binges of the Queens. I buy a large chocolate mile, a buttered bagel, a peanut butter cookie, and a tremendous chocolate chip muffin. I pay quickly, counting neither what I offer, nor the change. The numbness is starting.

I leave the store and tear the wrapper from whatever is on top. The bagel. I need the milk. All is geared to bringing it up later. Eating and drinking, I stop at another deli. Everything goes back in the bag as I enter the store. More mindless choices. Another bagel, a chocolate croissant, some pastries. I leave continuing to eat, thinking of nothing else.

The people along the next few blocks see me eating. I make no eye contact. They see me eating something. I entertain the notion that they meet up with each other at some point and compare notes. I am aware of the absurdity of the thought. One more stop before I hit the subway. A few more pastries, a couple of buttered rolls and another drink. She overcharges me but I ignore this. It's interrupting the binge.

Foremost is the absolute necessity of the impending purge. I desperately try to control the animal ravaging. Experience has taught me that what is difficult to swallow down will be worse coming up.

The feeling is now one of disconnectedness. Nothing matters but the binge. Strange thoughts filter in and out of numbing consciousness. I'm watching someone else. I remember my annoyance this morning at my father's asking me if I had breakfast. I'm having it now dad, I think insanely.

Down underground I sit on the steps and nonchalantly unwrap more food as though just everyone sits on dirty subway steps and has a mid-morning snack I glance nervously about. A woman is looking at me. She has dark glasses, but I know her eyes are on me. I look away. I glance up; she is looking. Panicked, I move further down the platform and tear into another cookie. I cram a few more in before the train comes.

On the train I look for the people who seem most out of it. They won't notice me. Out comes a buttered bagel, as though I've just now gotten around to breakfast. I avoid the eyes of a blond woman who seems interested. I feel the panic again. I'm careful with the bagel- it will be near the top and if it sticks, it all sticks. Each bite is mixed with milk. I move to another seat and pretend to examine the map. I sit down and work on the biggest, driest muffin I've ever seen. It's stale. I don't care. The train stops and the blond woman is by the door. I freeze- willing panic to subside. I don't dare look up until she is off the train. I am shaking.

My stop. My bus is not leaving. Time for a quick ice cream cone. I give him too much money. He takes his time figuring it out. The anger is here. I slink to the back of the bus, hoping no-one else will sit that far back. Someone does, and the anger deepens. I hate the man and his nearness to me. I eat the ice cream slowly. It will make it easier later. I am sick now; really sick. My bloated body strains against my clothing. The fear is building, but I can't isolate it. I may vomit on the bus. I don't think I can handle that.

I get off the bus and stop at every deli, asking for rice pudding. I ignore their strange looks. I get the rice pudding and devour it. I can hardly walk. I am sick and I am disgusted. The fear and hatred are taking over. I wish I were dead.

Home 11:30 am. No time to waste. I remove jewelery and clothing, dreading with all that I am what I have to do. I position myself over the toilet, grip the bristle end of my green toothbrush and slide it down my throat. Nothing. Steeling myself against the familiar panic, I probe deeper, trying to stimulate gag reflex and praying the thing doesn't slip out of my hand and lodge on my esophagus. This is not the way I want to die.

Saliva, mucus, and streaks of blood run over my hand and down my arm. I grip the back of my leg with my free hand against the pain. My stomach finally hitches and heaves and the process has begun. Little by little the contents of my stomach fill the toilet. The stench causes me to gag again. I continuously examine the remains with a mental checklist of what I ate and where. Greasy, stinking vomit splatters everywhere. I am glad.

I briefly wonder what I'll do if it ends up in my lungs. I have no idea. I continue to purge, thinking of other things, wishing with my whole heart that it was over. I begin to see and taste the first peanut butter cookie. I begin to relax. Relief flows.

I flush and carefully wash and remove all traces of vomit from the area. I disinfect with Lysol. I am careful not to get any on my hands. I cannot allow myself to think now. Slumped against the bathtub, I rest. The tears begin to well and my throat begins to tighten. I swallow it.

One more time...

I force myself to gag again, closing my eyes against the blood. When I taste the bitter acid and the burning feeling in my throat, I stop. I clean again, slowly, and sit on the bathroom floor. I can't think. I can't feel. I don't know what the pain is about. I check the time. 12:30.

There are various sources of help for this on my side-bar.
1) Overeater's Anonymous (OA) is a 12 step program which is a primary resource for food addicts. Some meetings have stringent guidelines for food, but most meetings follow the OA parameters not to promote any specific food plan or actions.
2) Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA) is another 12-step primary resource. Food plans are handled more rigorously in this program. It will serve those of you with severe biological cravings.
3) Kay Sheppard- Kay is the most renowned Guru of food addiction. Her books, including Food Addiction; The Body Knows, are celebrated as the 'bibles' of food addiction. Her food addiction retreats make an enormous difference- even for those who have tried everything in their struggles to overcome bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive eating.
4) Stop Sugar Cravings- Is another good book about food addiction, written by a food addict

My Experience With Food Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:04:00 +0000

Below is an article from a series I wrote on Food Addiction for those who may be interested. If you came to this site to find out about Second Hand Addiction- or the experience of loving someone with an addiction- please see the side-bar under "My Other Entries" for myriad articles on the subject.

I never knew that binge eating, anorexia, and compulsive overeating were all manifestations of the same disease- food addiction. In fact, for most of the years of my young life I did not even know that food addiction existed, or that it was a problem. I lived the problem day in and out, on and off the scales, on and off diets, and up and down emotionally with the variances of my weight. But I had never heard of this as a problem.
Thankfully, I was never a binger or a starver. I was an all day nibbler. But I was still driven. Hovering at the treats table at a party was my thing, and I had it down to a science. If you were slow and nonchalant about it, no-one would really know how much you had eaten.

As I look back, I wasn't even in denial. I just did not know there was anything to deny. Addiction- all addiction- is a body, mind, spirit phenomenon. In food addiction, you crave the many elements of food that are chemically addicting (sugar, wheat, flour) but you also crave the feeling of complete and utter numbness that comes with it. I came to peace with food in a program called Overeater's Anonymous. I finally succumbed to allowing others to help me, and eventually, of my own choice, I gave up eating all sugar wheat and flour products.

If you have this problem, here are the various sources of help on my side-bar.
1) Overeater's Anonymous (OA) is a 12 step program which is a primary resource for food addicts. Some meetings have stringent guidelines for food, but most meetings follow the OA parameters not to promote any specific food plan or actions.
2) Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA) is another 12-step primary resource. Food plans are handled more rigorously in this program. It will serve those of you with severe biological cravings.
3) Kay Sheppard- Kay is the most renowned Guru of food addiction. Her books, including Food Addiction; The Body Knows, are celebrated as the 'bibles' of food addiction. Her food addiction retreats make an enormous difference- even for those who have tried everything in their struggles to overcome bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive eating.
4) Stop Sugar Cravings- Is another good book about food addiction, written by a food addict.

On Life, Death, and Fighting Food Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:00:00 +0000

I think it is very fitting to speak about my dad in this blog this week. He passed away a week ago Monday, and it was truly a week of sadness and also soul searching for me. I thought about this blog a lot. My dad had chronic adult-onset diabetes, you see.

Now as a child and young adult, I never knew of the profound link between diabetes and food cravings or food addiction. In fact, I never knew there was such a thing as food addiction. And my dad and I used to have a grand old time, sharing food and laughs. We liked ice-cream, cookies, donuts, and soda, and there was always a treat involved in a trip to the store with my dad.

In short my dad loved to eat and so did I. It was one of the many levels upon which we met. We were very connected and we loved each other a lot.

But as I watched my dad in the last years of his life, I remember thinking so frequently "What a price pleasure in food can exact." As time went by my father could hardly walk due to his diabetes. He couldn't see very well. Food began to have no flavor at all and he had a hard time swallowing. He spent his days dozing listlessly in a chair, and was sad beyond measure at the loss of all that he had ever enjoyed in life.

And one could arguably say that he starved himself to death in the final weeks of not even being able to eat.

So what does this say to us, the masses of us, as we go about our lives? The pat and easy answer would be "just don't eat so many complex carbohydrates." But with food cravings, and nearly every label on every food container in the grocery store having some sort of sugar or flour product listed in the ingredients- and usually high up- this seems nearly impossible. I know it took me nearly seven years of eating absolutely no trace of sugar, wheat or flour to feel that such things no longer had a draw for me. Oddly enough, this is about the same amount of time it takes for the body to regenerate all of its cells- and I have often pondered that perhaps I am now literally 'a whole new me' with mo more cells that are addicted to foods.

During the week after my dad's death I did partake in some of the typical no-nos. I had some ketchup, which contains sugar. I had a few onion rings. My family, now used to a whole new me, was shocked. Perhaps it was just my yearning to once again feel some comfort in food, as if my dad were back with me. But I know I tread on dangerous waters, and I don't suggest other food addicts try it.

So where does that leave us, as masses of us still experience cravings that seem almost debilitating and as we step closer and closer to a slow, dehumanizing decline like the one my dad experienced. The first step is to learn about food addiction and how it operates, one person at a time. And we hope that the more people that learn about it, the more we will be able to find healthy, tasty, and non-addicting foods in the grocery store. Right now, it seems to be a bit of an uphill climb to find and eat non-addicting foods. But today I feel healthy, and vibrant, and fully alive- which is more than I can say for all of the years when I ate all that stuff. And I honor my dad's love by not going down the road that he did. And my father was an amazingly loving man, so I am sure he would have wanted that for me.

Fighting Food Cravings- A Realistic Look

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 00:37:00 +0000

Are you fighting food Cravings? We’ve all heard it said in many different ways. “Once I get started on dinner rolls, I can’t stop.” There’s not enough pasta in the world for me.” “Two cookies, are you kidding?”

Let’s face it, some foods are addicting. And I don’t mean that in the laughable sense. Such as when we chuckle after eating our 3rd slice of cake, and explain “Well, I’m just addicted to chocolate cake.” I mean it in a very real and alive way. We are all addicted to many of the foods we eat. And it’s debilitating.

Now why do I say that food addiction is debilitating?

Let’s take a look at fighting food cravings. You are a size 14. You want to be a size 8. Now we can talk all we want about how society favors thin people, and the model for beauty is skin-and-bones. And all of this is quite true. I don’t dispute it. But the plain and simple fact is, you want to be a size 8, and you can’t get there. It’s you who wants this. It’s not anyone else. And the kick in the teeth is you know you could be there. You know your body on some level wants to be there. But you can’t stop eating all of the cookies, pasta, and bread in order to get there.

Now you’re in a pickle, and your self esteem plummets. You ask yourself, ‘Do I have no will power? Am I a weak-willed glutton?’ Now you go on crash diets. You begin to starve yourself. Your blood sugar becomes sporadic. You begin to snap at the kids and growl at your husband. Perhaps you spend 2 weeks doing this before finally giving it up. Now you go out and eat. For two weeks you eat whatever you want, whenever you want. On come the pounds you lost, plus a few more. And your self-esteem plummets even more.

All of this is what I would call a low-level food addiction, or the onset of more serious problems. Later down the line the cycles often get worse and worse. Your relatively harmless binging may turn life-threatening and bulimic. If not, your binges may become so extreme as to cause obesity. This in turn has you lethargic all day long, as well as lackluster and prone to sleeping. Your disposition is grouchy because your blood sugar is constantly shooting up and shooting down. And after a while your metabolism is destroyed, along with your self-esteem, and no diets will work any more.

You may now cross over into the anorexic spectrum. You might decide it is better not to eat at all, than to live like you do. This is when food addiction becomes truly perilous. If you continue the cycle, but without the bulimic/anorexic behavior, then by the age of 60 you will have adult onset diabetes. Your body will deteriorate from the over abundance of sugar producing carbohydrates. It will be worn out from all of that sugar, and you will have completely depleted your life-time’s supply of insulin. It’s not a pretty picture to paint, I know. But it is nevertheless accurate.

Still we joke about food addiction all the time.

Well it may be time to stop laughing and start listening to our own jokes. Yes you can stop the roller coaster of fighting food cravings. Where I first got off the whirligig was through a 12-step program for food addicts called Overeaters Anonymous. There is also a program called Food Addicts Anonymous. These programs are good places to start if you feel you may have food addiciton. A good food plan is also helpful, as well as some of the books and tools on my side-bar for some of these tools.

And if you are a person with food addicition, the first thing to remember is that you are not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

On Our Divine Trust and Healthy Loving

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sat, 01 May 2010 02:26:00 +0000

We all have just one life to live.
In this life our primary responsibility is to honor what is divine in us. We are to take care of it, to cherish it, to nourish our divinity with all that is good. I believe that even Jesus made biblical reference to this trust when he discussed what it meant to be a good caretaker.
So that this sublime trust supersedes all other responsibilities, even those of a parent. I know that is hard to consider but it is true. But why?
Simply because we are the only ones entrusted with this holy job. We are- each and every one of us- holy at our core. And we are the only ones who can care for this core of holiness- since no-one else is us.
So that the best we can do for others- be they lovers, friends, or even our children- is to support them in their divinity. We do this by giving them all the love and cherishing we can, and by finally allowing them in the end to make their own choices. Because at some point our loved ones must walk their own walk, and talk their own talk. At some point our loved ones must become their own trustees, while everyone else- no matter how close- can only watch with crossed fingers.
But for each of us our own divinity is the thing we must safe-guard. And we are entrusted to carefully choose whom we put into our divine space and life. We are called to be sure that the people around us feed our spirit, instead of starving it, that they pull up, instead of pushing down.
So that who one chooses for a mate in life becomes supremely important.
Why? Because your mate, being in your space a lot, will generally do one of two things...
A) If he or she is healthy of body, mind, and spirit you will be built up and your light will shine brighter.
B) If he or she is unhealthy in those ways, you will be brought down and your light will be doused.
Most mates of course will do both; helping you shine and dousing you, as no-one is perfect. However, taken as a whole, he or she will mostly shine or douse. And you will either rise or fall as a person and a divine spirit, in the space of your mate.
This is why recovering Second Hand Addicts who have left an unhealthy relationship have such a difficult time choosing their next mates. Most have already made one spirit-killing choice. We feel some inexplicable draw to the same type of person. We can now see that we are drawn to unhealthy people, like a moth to a flame. The pattern becomes clear very quickly when we date again. And it takes a huge amount of growth and development to have our moth fly away from those deceptive flames.
But the trick is to keep growing and developing ourselves with Alanon, CODA, support groups, healing and body work, therapy, putting the past in the past & Landmark Education, and the like. As we develop ourselves, we will continuously "see it quicker, and change it sooner" so that one day we will realize, as we walk in the sunshine with the man or woman who lights us up...
We have finally flown to a flower, and not to a flame.

On New Year's Eve, Resolutions, and the Journey to Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 15:43:00 +0000

Last night I invited a gentleman out. He said no, because he did not want to drive on New Year's Eve. I went out to dinner anyway because I hate the idea of being stopped in my life due to fear. But when I stop to think of it, the whole idea of New Year's Eve is bizarre. A huge portion of society is afraid to even go outside, for fear that another huge portion of society- being drunk or high out of their brains- will kill, maim, or otherwise dismember them. In some ways my friend was probably more sane than I was, having self-preservation at the forefront of his mind. But there is a saying in the rooms of therapy (where many of us land after loving an addicted person.) The saying is that "360 degrees from crazy is still nuts."

So on New Years Eve, we do our thing by staying 360 degrees away from New Year's Eve, or by defying them all by risking life and limb to go out anyway. And they do their thing- drinking, drugging, driving, & fighting- which is 360 degrees from us. And we all think the whole experience of New Year's Eve is pretty normal. Crazy, huh?

So now that the shouting is over, those of us who can still function today find a new opportunity to look at our life. Many of us make resolutions to lose weight, go to the gym, or start writing that book. (Hope springs eternal in the human heart.) And as for me, I settle in today to a place of reflection. I consider that it is time to be honest, to go with my gut- and even time to 'out myself' on something that I often hide as an addiction prevention specialist. And what I hide is simply this...

I want everyone on the planet to stop drinking and drugging.

There. I said it. It's out. And I can heave a sigh of relief.

And I know that if you are like most of society, you don't want to hear what I just said. You don't want to have this conversation. And because of this, many of us who feel as I do clam up on the topic. We cop out, talking about moderation, slowing down, etc. etc. We say this even though many of us know perfectly well that moderation is impossible for ever-increasing numbers of society. We say this knowing that those numbers may someday in the very near future exceed the numbers of those who can moderate. We say this knowing that we can't by any means pinpoint with any degree of accuracy who can and who can't moderate.

But still we discuss moderation because we know you will listen to us if we say that. But you won't listen if we tell you to stop. And this does not mean that current prevention efforts do not work- because they do, make no mistake. But obviously prevention of substance abuse and addiction would work a thousand times better if we stopped drinking and drugging. (duh)

The process as I envision it is that first those who could stop, would stop drinking and drugging. This would support those people who could not stop. They would not be alone. Society would have their back. They would seek and get the help they need. And after a while, most of the world would have stopped. And this in turn would make a huge impact on criminality, domestic violence, child abuse, homelessness, joblessness and almost every other major societal problem.

But despite the inherent sensibility of this argument, if you are like most of society, you don't want to hear it. After all, if you're someone who can stop, why should you stop? Why should you give up your glass of wine at dinner? It's not your fault that they're crazy out there. Why should you not have your Margarita? You didn't do anything wrong. On the other hand if you are someone who can't stop, you don't want to hear the argument either. Why? Because you can't stop. And furthermore you don't want anyone to know that you can't stop. So you too would like to shut me up. And most of you, for one reason or the other, would like to stop this conversation. You would prefer to think that this woman talking to you from a minuscule little blog somewhere out in cyberspace is nuts, fanatical, and 'off her rocker.' Your first argument is that I am nuts because I think it is necessary for us all to stop drinking and drugging. (You say this as you sit on the couch on New Year's Eve, wishing you were in Time's Square watching the ball drop.) Your other argument is that I am even more nuts because I think it is possible for us to stop drinking and drugging.

And there you might have me. I may be nuts.

But crazy or not, I, like Martin Luther King, have a dream. And today is New Year's Day 2010, almost 12 years from the day that I learned that my near suicidal thoughts and depression at the time were stemming from living with an active alcoholic. (The plight I call Second Hand Addiction) But it is a new day, with resolutions and hopes for tomorrow hanging tantalizingly in the grey morning air. And so I am indulging in my dream.

And in this dream I see people dancing around with lampshades on their heads, but they are not drunk. I hear them singing at the top of their lungs with their arms entwined, but they are stone-cold-sober. I see them dancing with wild abandon to heart-stopping music, but they are not slurring their words. I see everyone as I was when I was six, kicking their ballet-trained legs over other people's heads with wild abandon- or watching, laughing gleefully at a friends' wild antics. I see them hugging their friends right in public with bear hugs that pick them up off of their feet. I see people loving the experience of being alive. So that when I tell people to stop drinking and drugging, I don't want to lessen the joy of people's lives. I want to heighten it. I don't want to take away, but rather to add. I seek to enhance good feelings in such a way that there is more fulfillment, and more downright happiness. I seek only that people replace the artificial pleasure of drugs and alcohol with the true pleasure of life. And that those who can do this easily, also support those who struggle.

Alcohol and drugs hit the pleasure centers of the brain, bringing us pure and unadulterated good feelings. Then they destroy us piecemeal, as people and as a society. We want good feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. The only problem is that we turn to the poison of alcohol and drugs to get them. But as people find their joy in life instead of drugs they will find that this natural happiness is better by far than any other. And when we all find our pleasure naturally, we can go outdoors on New Year's Eve without fear.

There are many powerful tools on my sidebar for helping people on their journey to true happiness and fulfillment. The Landmark Forum is one. Alanon and the 12 step programs are others. The journey does not happen in one moment. And the road may be rocky at times. But it is the journey of a lifetime. And it is the one journey that is worth taking. It is the journey to your life, your happiness, and your joy.

Sending Out Positive Energy, and Getting it Back

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

For my posting today, I would like to refer you to an article that I just wrote for my blog about the "Law of Attraction." The article is called Sending a Smile and Getting My Dream Job.

It is interesting to note that the life of a Second Hand Addict (someone who loves an addicted person) is generally completely opposite to the "Law of Attraction." The life of a Second Hand Addict is generally worried, concerned, agitated, and quite frenetic- which of course attracts more of the same negative energy and happenings to one's life. The ever-present negative energy within which a Second Hand Addict can't help but live creates a cyclical downward spiral. Negative events turn to negative mindset, which turn to more negative events and mindsets. And life becomes more and more unhappy, and even downright miserable.

This article relays how the simple act of sending positive energy out into the world in the form of a beautifully made thank you note (my Send Out Cards link is on the sidebar) turned my own life around. Of course it is nearly impossible to send the positive when you live around the constant negative of active addiction. And this is why thay have Alanon, for friends and family of alcoholics, Naranon, for friends and family of drug-addicted people, and addictions therapists.

If you love an addicted person, you want to make use of these services, to pull yourself out of the spiral and into the fulfilling and happy life that the universe has waiting for you in the wings.

Alcohol and Drug Addiction- 'Creating' a Biological Need

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:02:00 +0000

I met a woman yesterday and she lamented the fact that her husband had loved the bottle more than he loved her. She didn't understand why he would leave her so seemingly easily, without even a look back. All the while professing that he loved her.

I meet so many people who have loved addicted people. Mostly their loved ones are alcoholic- as alcohol is our nation's primary drug of choice. And to a person, these people feel betrayed, baffled and confused.

If you go to an AA meeting, they will talk about this phenomena called "loving the bottle." I have to disagree a bit with the term. At best to me it seems to be a love/hate relationship. It is love in the beginning, but it quickly turns to love/hate as the booze gets a hold of the person and it takes over his or her life. Self disgust sets in and the alcoholic hates himself most of all. After a while, love fades away as the alcoholic turns to the bottle not to feel good- but to keep from feeling horrible.

I hope I gave the woman some freedom when I told her this...

An alcoholic has changed the very composition of many of the cells in his body. The cells have reformed themselves to accept alcohol. Those cells go into a sort of shock (The DTs) if they don't get their drug. In addition, he or she has grown new receptor sites in the brain that crave the alcohol. Those receptors become very anxious if they don't get their drug. In a myriad of other ways, the drug has messed with the human's body to such an extent that it has created what might be seen as another 'basic instinct.' Now we have human beings walking around who feel on a physiological level that they need the drug to survive, but like they need food and water. This is true, in one form or another, for not only for alcohol- but for all addictive substances and processes. (Yes, friends. Things like gambling, whereby you cause your body to mass produce its own "drug-like" substance, a chemical called a neurotransmitter, are included. You become physiologically addicted to the chemical that you cause your body to produce. Then you have to gamble more to produce even more.)

And so we can say that Alcoholics can't not drink. And addicts can't not have their drug.

I will leave you with the story of Cocaine and Rhesus monkeys. http://www.peele.net/lib/cocaine.html These monkeys were given levers for biological drives- food, water, sex. When they pushed the lever they got the food, water, or access to their mates. There was also a lever for Cocaine. In the beginning the monkeys would push all of the levers. Soon they began to weed out the less important ones. They weeded out sex. They weeded out food. They weeded out water. Soon on an all cocaine diet, they died. A clear example of a 'created' biological drive that is even stronger than the original ones.

"It's not nice to fool (with) Mother Nature," as the Chiffon lady might say.

Laughing at "Tipsy"- Are We All Crazy?

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:24:00 +0000

If you are a somewhat intelligent adult, you know that people on alcohol and drugs are impacting their brain functions. It seems pretty self explanatory, doesn't it? And it is not something that needs to be explored...

Or does it? Well let's take a look at that.

First it's important to note that the chemical composition of alcohol is nearly identical to that of ether. So try to visualize someone who has had a few too many drinks. Picture him instead on the operating table. Someone has put the mask on his face, but it was removed before the full impact. He is babbling and muttering. Now picture that same person getting off the table. He picks up the scalpel nearby and is brandishing it about. He throws it at the clock on the wall, thinking he is playing darts. As 'ether man' wobbles around the room, picking up miscellaneous surgery tools, the doctors are resting their elbows on the operating table, chatting warmly with a cup of coffee. They notice him stumble by and the surgeon says "Look at him. He's really tipsy today." The anesthesiologist laughs and quips, "He'll have a rough day tomorrow."

Now picture yourself in a bar, and consider that your drunk friend is 'ether man' and you are the surgeon/ anesthesiologist.

Now go back to the hospital. 'Ether man's' girlfriend comes into the operating room to see how he is doing. 'Ether man' falls to his knees in a swoon of love and proposes to her, using the paper towels nearby for a bouquet roses. She bursts into happy tears and the hospital staff all smile.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, there is a beautiful girl, smiling and giggling with her friends, deciding where to go on the honeymoon, and you are all clapping your drunk friend on the back.

In the operating room, 'ether man' suddenly turns on a dime and begins screaming obscenities at the fawning and happy bride-to-be. Meanwhile, back at the bar, bride-to-be bursts into a flood of tears, and scrambles to the ladies room quite sure that this is the end of all of her hopes and dreams.

It seems like a joke, but this is how we live our lives. We laugh at people who are drunk or high, smile when they are in that cute 'tipsy' phase, and take the words that they say to heart. We often say that their 'true feelings' come out when they are drunk. Some of us even carry around the drunken words that were said to us at the age of 10 for the rest of our lives.

Sadly ridiculous, is it not?

We may 'know' that alcohol and drugs impair the brain- but we don't really 'get' the concept. We have 'ether men' wandering around our lives, unescorted and unnoticed, all the time. And we are not aware of the very real and present danger. Back in the surgery room, we would all be fired and the hospital license would be revoked. But at the bar or house party, the same thing is perfectly sane.

Lauging at "Tipsy"- Are We All Crazy?

Adults, If You Want to Impact Your Children- Look at Yourselves

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:38:00 +0000

Today I had the privilege of working with a group of youths in a way that I hope will impact them in their future lives around drugs and alcohol.These were what are often called 'at-risk' youths. Yet through their young, and incredibly honest eyes I got to see some things. First I saw that we don't often give young people credit for being as wise as they are. Then I saw and heard that our young people see the problem with substances, and they know it is there. Even if it is their own problem.

And they are very smart. So when so many adults have alcohol problems and the world calls alcohol legal, our youth see that as odd. Apparently legalization has nothing to do with safety, they are quick to note. So then of course our youth can also argue 'why not drop the con about safety, and make every other unsafe drug legal too.' Let's not forget, the youths note, the adults were the ones that started this whole mess in the first place. So why is it on us to change it?

Parents, do you cry that your children are using alcohol and drugs? Are you upset that they sneak out to parties and steal beer from your refrigerators and Jack Daniels from your liquor cabinet. Here are two things you can do.

1) Stop whatever you do with alcohol and drugs that is not kosher (Get help if you need to.)

2) Start telling them the truth
"It's a do what I say, not what I do, world when it comes to alcohol and drugs. And it makes absolutely no sense."

If you admit that, at least your children can trust your word. Which is a good start for your family and the world.

MacKenzie Phillips- Another Tragic Second Hand Addict

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:34:00 +0000

As far as I can tell, Mackenzie Phillips was a Second Hand Addict before she ever became an addict. In other words she was living as a young woman 'at the effect' of the drug addiction or abuse of other people. And who knows from whence her father's alleged abuse and violations came. Certainly the drugs warping his brain must have played a role. And perhaps he was also a child victim himself- as incest is known to be passed down in families.

Personally as a student of ontology, I would like to read Mackenzie's book to see if I can glean how her mind went from victim to addict; from rape and incest victim to consenting adult.

It was probably not a far journey. For the human brain can only embrace so much pain, fear, or violation before it begins to compensate, through an often convoluted mental process. Take a course called the Landmark Forum and you can see exactly how human beings go from violation and abuse to what we, who have never experienced this particular pain, might call 'twisted' thinking.

So Mackenzie's mind journey might look something like this. 'I am being raped, violated, demoralized, and sullied by the very people whom trust. I have no power here. I am all alone. And I can't tell anyone.( As time goes by) This is all I know of the pleasures of sex. In some ways it feels good. But how do I stop the bad feelings, the feelings of wrong and violation?... Ahhh. Here's a way. I will say is not a violation at all. I will believe it is not what it is. In fact, I will believe that I want this. I will believe that I like this. In fact, the truth is, I do want this. I do like this. And it feels good.'

And so Mackenzie probably traveled from victim to consenting adult- except she never truly had any choice in the matter. At the age of 18, if her story is shown to be true, the 'choice' was forced on her by the very person she trusted the most. And in that swirling world of conflicting emotions, with no-one to trust and without even a fully developed brain, the die was cast for the future, as well as for the present.

So now where might this still under-developed brain take in Mackenzie in her early twenties and on? She can't speak about this. The whole world will see it as shameful, dirty, and disgusting. She has convinced herself that she wants it. Ergo, she must also be shameful dirty and disgusting. A level of self-loathing sets in. So now it is necessary to kill the self-loathing. Enter Mackenzie the drug addict. One might note that MacKenzie picked the most addictive and shame based, hidden-in-dark-alleys drug in which to drown her conflicting emotions.

I don't know Mackenzie's reasons for writing her story now- Whether she just wants money or fame or whatever else. And frankly, I don't care. With a life such as she has had forced upon her, who could ever be expected to be thinking clearly. If you want to condemn Mackenzie, you might do well to consider the saying "Walk a Mile in My Shoes."

And as for me personally, I can only thank Mackenzie for bringing into the open what so many victims would like to speak about. I thank her for giving incest and rape survivors permission to exist on the planet with the rest of us, in open-ness, without fear. And I assert that we the laymen have no idea of the 'shameful' crime we commit when we shame Mackenzie even more than she has already been shamed.

I can't truly tell you the inner workings of Mackenzie's mind through all of her ordeals. But I can tell you this... her mind and the way it works was profoundly affected by those young experiences. And I hope and believe that some day Mackenzie will learn that so far in the swirl of Second Hand Addiction, violation, rape, and finally her own addiction, there has never been true choice, nor any sign of freely-chosen consent. And in point of fact, it will probably be a journey of many years before Mackenzie can truly make the kind of free choice, separate and apart from her past, that we all make every day, and that we think is normal.

Please comment on this topic, and also on my running questions...

How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved ones sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict and that therapists call codependent, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

In Memory of Naava Piatka- Living Life Fully, and Loving Her Life

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:38:00 +0000

I am taking a side jaunt in my writing today to write a memory of a truly special woman that I had the honor to know.

I first met Naava Piatka when I was in a course called The Wisdom Course. It was through a company called Landmark Education and the course was about having the highest form of Wisdom- Fun, Play, and Ease-in your life. The course required that we create 'playgroups.' And so Naava opened her home and provided heartfelt hospitality for her group. I was actually not in Naava's group. But the warmth she provided, as well as the inspiration I felt from her, had me come many times so that I begin to feel that this group was my second group- and I belonged fully.

I remember being in Naava's house and hearing about her one woman show,"BETTER DON'T TALK!" and thinking 'Wow, what an inspiration.' Clearly she was living her dreams, loving her life, and being successful at it. I felt humbled, for I, an actress and singer in my bones and soul, had never truly actualized on that potential.

Naava's show was about the life of her holocaust surviving/ actress mother. It was powerful and meaningful- so even more inspiring to me. In person Naava was a warm, generous, smiling presence- who emanated no sense of self-accolades or ego about what she did. And I remember, as a former art consultant, admiring the beautiful pieces of artwork on her walls and thinking, "Well, she must be financially successful to have such a largess of beautiful artwork." Whereupon I looked at the signatures to find out the artists' name, and noticed it was her own.

At which point I thought, "Is there anything this woman does NOT do- and do well?"

I read Naava's obituary yesterday and realized that I knew about 1/8 of all that she had done and accomplished in her time on this earth. And most of what she did was to the betterment or enlightenment of mankind. So that to me, Naava achieved the two very highest objectives one can achieve on this earth 1) to live your dreams, fulfill all of your potential, and love your life and 2) To help others to do the same.

Naava died of cancer a few days ago. She left behind the book that she had written in the last few months of life when she knew she was passing. It was the one undone thing on her 'bucket list' and so she did it. The book, called "NO GOODBYES", is a father daughter memoir about love, war, and resurrection, and you can get it at www.nogoodbyes.info You can also see her pictures, read more about her, and see clips of her work at www.naava.com

Goodbye, lovely Naava,and may your presence emanate from each of us that you touched, and each of us that you will touch. Let us, like you, fulfill on the same possibility of life...

And then pass it on to others.

Pulling out of the Downslide- Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:35:00 +0000

Second Hand Addicts or codependents often have a tendency to see themselves in a negative light. Where does this come from? Does it come from the addict dumping his baggage on his or her loved one? Or is it a prerequisite for loving an addict. An interlocking puzzle piece that helps you find, out of whole world of possibilities, the one person who will be Ying to your Yang. Or said another way- who will put you down, as you already to to yourself.

I tend to think it is a bit of both.

Yesterday, after working on a project and putting a lot of effort into it, I found out by general consensus that my idea was completely not going to work. Before I could wink, the abuser in my head came back saying things like "What are you stupid? Why can't you do this one thing? Will you ever figure this out. You're going to fail. You know you're going to fail." In the past I would have listened to this negative self-talk. I would have lost time, energy, and productivity. Fortunately, from many years of healing, I knew what to do yesterday. I talked about it a little. I shed a tear or two. I sought words of sanity from someone outside of my own head. (I did not speak to an addicted, or unhealthy person.) Then I got on with my life and put it behind me to start over.

This is what a Alanon, CODA, an addiction's therapist, and the Landmark Forum can do for you.(See my side bars for information/articles about them.)These growth and healing tools get you to a point where you are not driven by anything negative coming at you from the outside or the inside. They get you to a point where you know how to pull yourself out of the downslide, and back to the light. And you learn to do it quicker and quicker.

On another note, I am getting a dialogue going on these questions. How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved one's sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

Please post your comments and experiences so we can take a look at this issue more closely, and understand it more fully. For those of you who are new to my blog I have 40+ articles in my side bar on my own experience of loving someone with an addiction, and my education about the disease, so please feel free to read them.

Change Yourself Before You Change The World

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:22:00 +0000

These are words written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey during the eleventh century.

“When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.”

I post these words because they speak to the heart of the Alanon, the group that has been so powerful to Codependents/ Second Hand Addicts around the world. Indeed, these words speak the AA philosophy, the OA philosophy, and every known 12-step groups philosophy.

And they are not just words to be heard and to think, 'hmmmm what a nice idea, maybe I'll try it.' This concept of changing only yourself is actually life and death for many addicts and codependents alike. They fight the battle of a person-changing, disease against all odds of success. Addicts try to fruitlessly conquer alcohol, while codependents try to fruitlessly change addicts- killing themselves in the process. And what really works is when you stop fighting, and change yourself before you change the world.

A complex concept. but you can read more of my 40+ writings on Alanon,12 step programs, Codependency/Second Hand Addiction, and addiction in general through the links on my side bar.

I also invite you to read some of my other writings on other subjects. Here is an excerpt from my newest article on my hub, “On Spirituality, religion, and Creating Our World.”

http://www.squidoo.com/lensmaster/new_workshop/howtomanifestanythingyouwant

So let us take a better look at Jesus, since he was our role model as Christians. Jesus said that we, like him, are sons of GOD, and children of GOD. With this in mind, consider that Jesus was not teaching people that HE was special, and made in the image of and likeness God (which he was, of course)... but rather that we ALL are special, and made in the likeness of GOD. Consider that Jesus was saying that there is God in each of us. Now if that is true it follows that if Jesus can perform miracles, walk on water, feed the masses, etc, so can we all.

Domestic Abuse, Healthcare, and Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Today in the course of my work I came across some statistics on women who are victims of Intimate Partner Violence. It seems that 46% of women enrolled in an HMO in Idaho had suffered Intimate Partner Violence, sometimes called domestic abuse or spousal abuse. Although the abuse had ended, 5 years later their average healthcare costs were 20% higher than other women. Their health care costs were also two times higher for mental health visits and 6 times higher for alcohol or drug visits. This study was published by the Us Department of Health and Human Services: Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.
http://www.ahrq.gov/research/sep07/0907RA11.htm

These statistics say a myriad of things to us. They speak to the long term affects of abuse and victimization. They speak to the mental health of victims. And they probably indicate that people who have been victimized turn to alcohol or drugs, for reasons we can only guess.

But for our conversation about Second Hand Addiction (the plight of those who love addicted people) we can say this: One obvious fact is that a significant number of women and even men who are abused live with active substance abuse that sets a climate for the violent episodes. Digging a little further we can say that victims of such incidents are profoundly and negatively affected by their experiences. These studies seem to indicate that the physical bodies of victims are affected- even in the absence of any current victimization. This is not unlike the state of a Second Hand Addict or codependent, whose abuse may be emotional or mental, but who suffers repeated physical ailments that mimic his or her substance-abusing counterpart. In other words the state of codependents and domestic violence victims alike suggests that real physical ailments manifest not only from real physical stressors, but also from mental/emotional stressors- even if those stressors live in the past.

So as we contemplate this from a perspective of addiction, we realize that it is imperative that we begin to converse about the plight of Second Hand Addicts, who, like domestic violence victims, are getting emotionally, mentally, and physically ill from the experience- whether or not they are being 'victimized.' Since one in 10 people are addicted, and since they all have mothers, fathers, siblings, children, and significant others, that is a lot of sickness going around. And all of that sickness has a hidden relationship to substance abuse that goes largely unnoticed- since the connection is indirect.

I for one would like to see a study that follows the healthcare costs and services of codependents- a study which I believe would be quite unnerving.

So with this in mind, and as per my last post, I am getting a dialogue going on these questions. How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved one's sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

Please post your comments and experiences so we can take a look at this issue more closely, and understand it more fully. For those of you who are new to my blog I have 40+ articles in my side bar on my own experience of loving someone with an addiction, and my education about the disease, so please feel free to read them.

Dialogue- How You Learned That Your Loved One Had an Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:39:00 +0000

One of the purposes of this blog is to help people recognize when someone they love has a drug or alcohol problem. This is not always easy, as we are all drawn to denial about this disease. There is a lot of shame and stigma attached, and most of us really don't want to know it. I still cringe, for instance, when I recall that I actually argued with my loved one that he did not have an alcohol problem. He was reaching out for help, but I was in denial.

I have talked a lot on this blog. (As a trained actress I love a good monologue) But now I think it is time for a dialogue. I got this idea for a dialogue from an informational website I was on. It was a good one and I recommend it at http://www.drugrehab101.com/articles1.html The article said that addicts (alcohol or drug) show the following signs:

They may...

Lament that they wish they could stop drinking and/or drug use?
Get annoyed by you questioning the amount of alcohol or drugs they are taking?
Feel sad about something they have done while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?
Need drinks many times throughout the day
Lie about what they are doing
Talk about drug or alcohol use
Be depressed or maybe even suicidal
Give up things they used to love to do
Get in trouble with the law

So here are my questions. How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved ones sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict and that therapists call codependent, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

Please write a comment back so we can explore this issue more fully.
For those of you who are new to my blog I have 40+ articles in my side bar on my own experience of loving someone with an addiction, and my education about the disease, so please feel free to read them.

VIDEO- A Second Hand Addict's Sanctuary- There is None

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Most people who love addicts face a living death- of the body, the mind, and finally the spirit. In this world of sadness and pain, there is no place to rest your head or find Sanctuary. Watch this moving video to get a sense of what it is like to love someone with a substance problem.

Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley: Creating a Real-World “Thriller Night”

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 02:17:00 +0000

As a writer and also a sort of addiction-ologist I cannot help but observe and reflect on the division of our nation as it pertains to Michael Jackson. The overarching question seems to be should we revere him or should we condemn him? Was he a Demi-God, or was a monster? And the whole climate of confusion, as well as the depth of mourning, harks me back to the age of 9 and the death of Elvis Presley. I can remember foggily asking in those sad days…How could this be?

And I can see that it is a question we are all asking again.

And if you expanded this question it might sound something like this… “How could someone so talented, so gifted, so powerfully able to touch human beings have come to this?” And the very way that we were touched by Elvis Presley and later by Michael Jackson seems to indicate a depth of humanity in both that is starkly contradicted by their behavior.

So how do we reconcile this seeming contradiction? We look here and we look there. We split up and take sides. Demi-God-ers face off with Monster-ites. We argue amongst ourselves. Those who want to deny and forget the monstrosities condemn those who want to deny and forget the greatness of The King of Pop. And the same also happens in reverse.

And so we create a house divided in our very nation. And it is the same divided house that has been in existence in millions of torn homes across our nation for years innumerable. And in our ‘nation-house’ we see the same denial, the same determination to take sides, and the same fierce loyalty and confusion about which side to take that has existed in torn homes forever. And in those torn homes as in our ‘nation-home’ we see aberrant and criminal behaviors like those of Michael Jackson. And in those torn homes as in our ‘nation home’ we see loose cannon behaviors like those of Elvis Presley. And in those torn homes, as in our ‘nation-home’, we hang on for the greatness, and recoil from the depravity. And in those torn homes, as in our nation home, there is one common denominator…the existence of a drug addict, alcoholic, or substance abuser. And now we uncover what is very probably the same common denominator in Michael Jackson in his abuse of prescription drugs.

As an educator in the field of addiction, I pray for the day that we truly understand that drugs and alcohol affect the very way that human beings think. I hope we will someday see that each and every drug, including alcohol, affects the functioning of the human brain in a multitude of ways. And when a person is on drugs and alcohol, he or she cannot be trusted to follow the rules of conscience or values. And the longer the person has been taking drugs or alcohol, the less conscience and values we will see. And as the drugging or drinking progresses, there comes a time when a person’s behavior and thinking goes 100% opposite to common values, common sense, and even common human feeling. And there even comes a time when the person’s thinking is so askew that he or she will justify the commission of atrocities and crimes even when the drug is not present.

I was a lover of Elvis as much as many of you are lovers of Michael. As such I am sometimes guiltily thankful that the king died before he could reconcile himself to doing something worse than shooting out a television set. I never would have wanted to see atrocity coming from the man who brought tears to my eyes when he sang words like…
“If I can dream of a better land, where all my brothers walk hand in hand, tell me why can’t that dream come true.”

And yet I have a fear that regardless of Michael and regardless of Elvis, we as a people will go merrily along on our well-worn path, drinking and drugging our way to our own personal versions of Neverland. We will continue to use prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, alcohol, illicit and illegal drugs, club drugs, and some of us will even suck on aerosol cans or drink rubbing alcohol to alter our brains and get high. And we will believe with all of our hearts that what happened to the King of Rock and Roll and what happened to the King of Pop will never happen to us. We will believe that we will never become like them. We will believe that we alone are impervious to the affects of drugs and alcohol on our minds. We will believe like Elvis believed and like Michael believed- thereby creating our own real-world version of “Thriller Night.”

The Zarate Brothers... We demand to Know More.

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:18:00 +0000

I was reading about the two young Zarate brothers who murdered their teenage neighbor and were caught while throwing the trunk with her dismembered body off The Passaic River bridge. One of them was convicted in an earlier trial and the other one just got convicted this week. It was alleged that this week's convict, James Zarate, hated his neighbor, who had gotten him into trouble years before for bullying her.

Whenever I read this type of thing I ask the question "What created this monster who would kill a girl because he didn't like her?"

It seems perhaps I am the only one asking this question. It seems so at least as far as the media is concerned. The media seems quite content to ignore this question. And their silence implies that these two boys are monstrous freaks of nature. They spring out of nowhere and nothing,and sit in our minds in monster-land, along with all the other freaks of nature we hear about all day long over the news. We hear about them, give a gasp of shock, and then dismiss them. They are not related to us- and so nothing we can impact.

There are many people we put in this category...mothers who murder their two year old daughters and put stickers on their taped up mouths, young men and boys who open fire on their very classmates and teachers, family men who murder their own beloved wives and children for reasons unexplored.

I am not blaming the media. After all, they are just a reflection of the greater society. They write what we want to read. And apparently we are not asking the right questions for them to answer.

But as a person who studies the science of being (ontology) I have to ponder...Isn't it odd how many monsters and freaks of nature we are producing these days. Can they all truly be springing from nowhere and out of nothing?

There are many things that go into the creation of a human being. If I were a psychologist I'm sure that I could enumerate them. But I am not. However I think any layman, and even the experts of the world would say that a person's past experience plays a huge part of the creation of that person. Certainly any prison psychologist would say it.

Not quite so common-knowledge, but equally recognized in the world of mental health and addiction is the role that alcohol and drugs plays in the acts of violence that we see in the world. Interestingly, we see the acts of violence in the news day in and day out, some monstrous, some becoming almost commonplace- but we hear little about the role that alcohol and drugs plays in this violence. meanwhile the 2002 study from the United States Justice Department found that 71 % of all prison inmates are substance abuser or dependent on alcohol or drugs.

Meanwhile in our day to day world we may hear something in passing such as "By the way, the woman whose head was bashed in with a brick after being raped by several men at 3am behind her house happened to be very drunk coming out of a keg party." Now if we look close and read between the lines, we can also assume the same of her her attackers. We can only assume this, of course, because no one makes a connection.

So why don't we hear about the two critical factors of past experience and substance use when we hear about the monsters and freaks in our world?

In my considered opinion, these might just be THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT FACTORS in the creation of monsters in our world. I am clear there are diligent, hard-working scholarly people investigating these factors, doing research and writing books that then sit in a dusty college library, or on some website somewhere. These same people live in eternal hope that somehow, someway, the mass populace might actually hear and act upon their well-studied findings. But we don't hear them. And so they sit.

And the terrible tragedy is that these two factors of past experiences and substance use are factors that CAN BE IMPACTED by us. Our own behavior and what we do to others is changeable. And we have therapy and counseling and healing arts to help people whose minds go far awry after traumatic experience. In addition our own consumption of alcohol and drugs as a society is something that we CAN CHANGE.

Now I don't say any of this is easy. I acknowledge that it is very, very difficult to impact these factors. Which is perhaps why we don't talk about it. It is much easier to dismiss people as freaks, than to actually shift and change them.

However this is a time in history when we, like the million dollar man, "Have the technology." We can rebuild people, before they commit atrocities. And I for one demand that we do it. I demand that we no longer take the easy road, while two-year olds are stuffed into garbage bags by their mothers, who are reported in tabloids months later as having gone partying at the club the night after. And we hardly question how that relates.

I for one will no longer tolerate ignorance in the matter of the violence in our world. I will no longer tolerate that we not make the connection repeatedly IN THE PUBLIC EYE of violence to substance abuse and to people's past experiences. Both of these are inter-related, I am sure. So I am a demand to know, and to see a connection, so that we can start the long road to impact change.

Who are the Zarate Brothers? What has happened to them in their lives that might cause such a schism in character? And what kind of alcohol or drugs have they taken, regularly or irregularly, that might impact their thinking to allow such a loss of all human conscience and feeling?

If you have any thoughts on how we can get these questions and others like them answered and put powerfully in the public eye, please respond to this post or email me using the address on my blog.murder and the Zarate Brothers,

What is a Second Hand Addict- And Am I One?

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:00:00 +0000

The term Second Hand Addict in its most narrow use refers to anyone who is close to a person who has an alcohol, drug, or other addictive problem. And the sad fact is that those who live around the severe dysfunction of an addicted person are drastically and negatively affected by that person. They are, in effect, inhaling the toxic smoke of another person’s dysfunction, and so becoming very sick themselves. Usually these people are the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, close friends, or coworkers of addicted people. The treatment community often calls such a person codependent, and we will talk about why this is a problem in a minute.

The term Second Hand Addict in its broadest use can refer to anyone who has been adversely affected by an addict, or addict-like personality- knowingly or unknowingly. With this usage we can begin to see that all of society is inhaling the toxic smoke of substance abuse and addictions: from the girl walking down the street who gets her purse stolen for money to buy drugs, to the rape victim whose abuser has lost all human feeling from overuse of alcohol or drugs, to the baby who is left in a trash can by her heroine addicted mother, to the child who is killed in the street by a drunk driver etc, etc, etc. With this usage we can begin to see that we are all Second Hand Addicts because we live with and feel the effects of similar atrocities all around us daily…And tragically we often don’t connect them to the abuse of substances, or to addiction.

So the problem goes on and on with no relief in sight for people or society. We might call this a society-wide blindness and denial of the most insidious type.

But I want to put this thought aside for a moment, and go back to the first usage of the term Second Hand Addict. These are people who are closest to the addict and so affected over and over again by the deadly smoke they give off. We will do this remembering that addicts are often good people at heart, who are in the grip of something that seems unshakeable. Addicted brains are malfunctioning and the people with the brains have become very sick. We will make no condemnation or judgment of such people, recalling that many of us use alcohol and drugs in a manner could easily lead to the same sick behavior, and it is just dumb blind luck that we are not sick. (For some people as little as a few drinks a week will lead to a severe problem with alcohol down the line.)

So back to the purpose at hand. The question we are looking at is this “Am I a Second Hand Addict?”

There are two primary ways you can determine the answer. Number one is through the behavior of the addict. Number two is through your own behavior. I will attempt to address both so you can get a fuller picture.

An addicted person will often hide his alcohol, drugs, or gambling from others. He or she will not want anyone to know the full extent of his usage. A Second Hand Addict will try to catch him or her in the lie, looking for empty beer cans, pill bottles, syringes, or the mortgage bill to see if the rent money was spent at the crap table. An addict will often verbally, emotionally, or even physically attack those closest to him or her. A Second Hand Addict will defend him or herself a lot. He or she will spend a lot of time trying to figure out how ‘not to upset’ his or her loved one- a futile effort because addicts look for reasons to pick fights. An addict will call names or otherwise put down his or her loved ones, causing the Second Hand Addict to feel there is something wrong with him, and to try to fix it.

A Second Hand Addict will take care of the addict, the house, the job, and anyone else around her- but seldom attend to his or her own needs. The addict, anesthetized and immobilized by alcohol or drugs, will leave more and more of the work up to everyone else. The addict will of course call everyone else around him lazy, and those around him will defend themselves- making it sound all the more true.

Here are some other characteristics of Second Hand Addicts that emerge inside of being around the various characteristics of the addicted personality. Second Hand Addicts often have difficulty identifying what they are feeling. They put others above themselves to a dangerous degree. Second Hand Addicts have difficulty making decisions. They may judge themselves harshly. They avoid recognition, praise, and gifts. They think their needs and wants are unimportant. They usually value others' approval over their own, and do not see themselves as loveable or worthwhile.

Second Hand Addicts often compromise their own values and integrity to appease other people. They may be oversensitive to how others are feeling, and most of them take on the feelings of others. They are extremely loyal, and often remain in harmful situations too long. (Which is why addicts choose them.) Second Hand Addicts often value others' opinions and feelings more than their own. They may put aside their own interests and hobbies in order to do what other people want. They often accept sex, when what they really want is love.

As you might be able to see Second Hand Addiction (or Codependency) is really a disease of self esteem. This makes perfect sense as the behavior of an addict will typically destroy self esteem in those closest to him. Some people come into a relationship with an addict with some of these characteristics. Others develop them as a result of the toxic smoke of addiction that they inhale.

Recovering from this affliction involves a journey back to the self, learn to love and value yourself, warts and all.

Of course no-one wants to see him or herself as having these characteristics, so you will have to be brutally honest with yourself to see if the term Second Hand Addict applies to you. The denial for this sickness is strong, so you will need to look at the actuality of how you interact with others and what you actually say and do- not how you like to think of yourself. You can also read some more of my blog entries to hear more examples in practicality. I have successfully made the journey from Second Hand Addict to Self Love, and so may be able to light your way. Remember not to look for all of the characteristics. A fair amount will do fine to tell you if you are a Second Hand Addict.

If you think that you are, then you want to do something about it. Go to an addictions therapist, to Alanon (for those who have alcoholics in their lives) to Nar-anon (for those who have drug addicts in their lives) or to the all-encompassing Codependents Anonymous (for those who are simply codependent, and know it.)

I am saying to do this, and to do it quick. People who live around addicts often die sooner than the addict due to the high stress and a lessened desire to live. Even if this does not happen to you, there is one more question to think about.

You only have one life. Wouldn’t it tragic to live it all never knowing the one person most important to you… yourself.