Second Hand Addiction

Alcohol and Drug Addiction- 'Creating' a Biological Need

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:02:00 +0000

I met a woman yesterday and she lamented the fact that her husband had loved the bottle more than he loved her. She didn't understand why he would leave her so seemingly easily, without even a look back. All the while professing that he loved her.

I meet so many people who have loved addicted people. Mostly their loved ones are alcoholic- as alcohol is our nation's primary drug of choice. And to a person, these people feel betrayed, baffled and confused.

If you go to an AA meeting, they will talk about this phenomena called "loving the bottle." I have to disagree a bit with the term. At best to me it seems to be a love/hate relationship. It is love in the beginning, but it quickly turns to love/hate as the booze gets a hold of the person and it takes over his or her life. Self disgust sets in and the alcoholic hates himself most of all. After a while, love fades away as the alcoholic turns to the bottle not to feel good- but to keep from feeling horrible.

I hope I gave the woman some freedom when I told her this...

An alcoholic has changed the very composition of many of the cells in his body. The cells have reformed themselves to accept alcohol. Those cells go into a sort of shock (The DTs) if they don't get their drug. In addition, he or she has grown new receptor sites in the brain that crave the alcohol. Those receptors become very anxious if they don't get their drug. In a myriad of other ways, the drug has messed with the human's body to such an extent that it has created what might be seen as another 'basic instinct.' Now we have human beings walking around who feel on a physiological level that they need the drug to survive, but like they need food and water. This is true, in one form or another, for not only for alcohol- but for all addictive substances and processes. (Yes, friends. Things like gambling, whereby you cause your body to produce its own drug, are included. You become physiologically addicted to the drug that you cause your body to mass produce. Then you have to gamble more to produce even more.)

And so we can say that Alcoholics can't not drink. And addicts can't not have their drug.

I will leave you with the story of Cocaine and Rhesus monkeys. http://www.peele.net/lib/cocaine.html These monkeys were given levers for biological drives- food, water, sex. When they pushed the lever they got the food, water, or access to their mates. There was also a lever for Cocaine. In the beginning the monkeys would push all of the levers. Soon they began to weed out the less important ones. They weeded out sex. They weeded out food. They weeded out water. Soon on an all cocaine diet, they died. A clear example of a 'created' biological drive that is even stronger than the original ones.

"It's not nice to fool (with) Mother Nature," as the Chiffon lady might say.

Laughing at "Tipsy"- Are We All Crazy?

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:24:00 +0000

If you are a somewhat intelligent adult, you know that people on alcohol and drugs are impacting their brain functions. It seems pretty self explanatory, doesn't it? And it is not something that needs to be explored...

Or does it? Well let's take a look at that.

First it's important to note that the chemical composition of alcohol is nearly identical to that of ether. So try to visualize someone who has had a few too many drinks. Picture him instead on the operating table. Someone has put the mask on his face, but it was removed before the full impact. He is babbling and muttering. Now picture that same person getting off the table. He picks up the scalpel nearby and is brandishing it about. He throws it at the clock on the wall, thinking he is playing darts. As 'ether man' wobbles around the room, picking up miscellaneous surgery tools, the doctors are resting their elbows on the operating table, chatting warmly with a cup of coffee. They notice him stumble by and the surgeon says "Look at him. He's really tipsy today." The anesthesiologist laughs and quips, "He'll have a rough day tomorrow."

Now picture yourself in a bar, and consider that your drunk friend is 'ether man' and you are the surgeon/ anesthesiologist.

Now go back to the hospital. 'Ether man's' girlfriend comes into the operating room to see how he is doing. 'Ether man' falls to his knees in a swoon of love and proposes to her, using the paper towels nearby for a bouquet roses. She bursts into happy tears and the hospital staff all smile.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, there is a beautiful girl, smiling and giggling with her friends, deciding where to go on the honeymoon, and you are all clapping your drunk friend on the back.

In the operating room, 'ether man' suddenly turns on a dime and begins screaming obscenities at the fawning and happy bride-to-be. Meanwhile, back at the bar, bride-to-be bursts into a flood of tears, and scrambles to the ladies room quite sure that this is the end of all of her hopes and dreams.

It seems like a joke, but this is how we live our lives. We laugh at people who are drunk or high, smile when they are in that cute 'tipsy' phase, and take the words that they say to heart. We often say that their 'true feelings' come out when they are drunk. Some of us even carry around the drunken words that were said to us at the age of 10 for the rest of our lives.

Sadly ridiculous, is it not?

We may 'know' that alcohol and drugs impair the brain- but we don't really 'get' the concept. We have 'ether men' wandering around our lives, unescorted and unnoticed, all the time. And we are not aware of the very real and present danger. Back in the surgery room, we would all be fired and the hospital license would be revoked. But at the bar or house party, the same thing is perfectly sane.

Lauging at "Tipsy"- Are We All Crazy?

Adults, If You Want to Impact Your Children- Look at Yourselves

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:38:00 +0000

Today I had the privilege of working with a group of youths in a way that I hope will impact them in their future lives around drugs and alcohol.These were what are often called 'at-risk' youths. Yet through their young, and incredibly honest eyes I got to see some things. First I saw that we don't often give young people credit for being as wise as they are. Then I saw and heard that our young people see the problem with substances, and they know it is there. Even if it is their own problem.

And they are very smart. So when so many adults have alcohol problems and the world calls alcohol legal, our youth see that as odd. Apparently legalization has nothing to do with safety, they are quick to note. So then of course our youth can also argue 'why not drop the con about safety, and make every other unsafe drug legal too.' Let's not forget, the youths note, the adults were the ones that started this whole mess in the first place. So why is it on us to change it?

Parents, do you cry that your children are using alcohol and drugs? Are you upset that they sneak out to parties and steal beer from your refrigerators and Jack Daniels from your liquor cabinet. Here are two things you can do.

1) Stop whatever you do with alcohol and drugs that is not kosher (Get help if you need to.)

2) Start telling them the truth
"It's a do what I say, not what I do, world when it comes to alcohol and drugs. And it makes absolutely no sense."

If you admit that, at least your children can trust your word. Which is a good start for your family and the world.

MacKenzie Phillips- Another Tragic Second Hand Addict

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:34:00 +0000

As far as I can tell, Mackenzie Phillips was a Second Hand Addict before she ever became an addict. In other words she was living as a young woman 'at the effect' of the drug addiction or abuse of other people. And who knows from whence her father's alleged abuse and violations came. Certainly the drugs warping his brain must have played a role. And perhaps he was also a child victim himself- as incest is known to be passed down in families.

Personally as a student of ontology, I would like to read Mackenzie's book to see if I can glean how her mind went from victim to addict; from rape and incest victim to consenting adult.

It was probably not a far journey. For the human brain can only embrace so much pain, fear, or violation before it begins to compensate, through an often convoluted mental process. Take a course called the Landmark Forum and you can see exactly how human beings go from violation and abuse to what we, who have never experienced this particular pain, might call 'twisted' thinking.

So Mackenzie's mind journey might look something like this. 'I am being raped, violated, demoralized, and sullied by the very people whom trust. I have no power here. I am all alone. And I can't tell anyone.( As time goes by) This is all I know of the pleasures of sex. In some ways it feels good. But how do I stop the bad feelings, the feelings of wrong and violation?... Ahhh. Here's a way. I will say is not a violation at all. I will believe it is not what it is. In fact, I will believe that I want this. I will believe that I like this. In fact, the truth is, I do want this. I do like this. And it feels good.'

And so Mackenzie probably traveled from victim to consenting adult- except she never truly had any choice in the matter. At the age of 18, if her story is shown to be true, the 'choice' was forced on her by the very person she trusted the most. And in that swirling world of conflicting emotions, with no-one to trust and without even a fully developed brain, the die was cast for the future, as well as for the present.

So now where might this still under-developed brain take in Mackenzie in her early twenties and on? She can't speak about this. The whole world will see it as shameful, dirty, and disgusting. She has convinced herself that she wants it. Ergo, she must also be shameful dirty and disgusting. A level of self-loathing sets in. So now it is necessary to kill the self-loathing. Enter Mackenzie the drug addict. One might note that MacKenzie picked the most addictive and shame based, hidden-in-dark-alleys drug in which to drown her conflicting emotions.

I don't know Mackenzie's reasons for writing her story now- Whether she just wants money or fame or whatever else. And frankly, I don't care. With a life such as she has had forced upon her, who could ever be expected to be thinking clearly. If you want to condemn Mackenzie, you might do well to consider the saying "Walk a Mile in My Shoes."

And as for me personally, I can only thank Mackenzie for bringing into the open what so many victims would like to speak about. I thank her for giving incest and rape survivors permission to exist on the planet with the rest of us, in open-ness, without fear. And I assert that we the laymen have no idea of the 'shameful' crime we commit when we shame Mackenzie even more than she has already been shamed.

I can't truly tell you the inner workings of Mackenzie's mind through all of her ordeals. But I can tell you this... her mind and the way it works was profoundly affected by those young experiences. And I hope and believe that some day Mackenzie will learn that so far in the swirl of Second Hand Addiction, violation, rape, and finally her own addiction, there has never been true choice, nor any sign of freely-chosen consent. And in point of fact, it will probably be a journey of many years before Mackenzie can truly make the kind of free choice, separate and apart from her past, that we all make every day, and that we think is normal.

Please comment on this topic, and also on my running questions...

How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved ones sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict and that therapists call codependent, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

In Memory of Naava Piatka- Living Life Fully, and Loving Her Life

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:38:00 +0000

I am taking a side jaunt in my writing today to write a memory of a truly special woman that I had the honor to know.

I first met Naava Piatka when I was in a course called The Wisdom Course. It was through a company called Landmark Education and the course was about having the highest form of Wisdom- Fun, Play, and Ease-in your life. The course required that we create 'playgroups.' And so Naava opened her home and provided heartfelt hospitality for her group. I was actually not in Naava's group. But the warmth she provided, as well as the inspiration I felt from her, had me come many times so that I begin to feel that this group was my second group- and I belonged fully.

I remember being in Naava's house and hearing about her one woman show,"BETTER DON'T TALK!" and thinking 'Wow, what an inspiration.' Clearly she was living her dreams, loving her life, and being successful at it. I felt humbled, for I, an actress and singer in my bones and soul, had never truly actualized on that potential.

Naava's show was about the life of her holocaust surviving/ actress mother. It was powerful and meaningful- so even more inspiring to me. In person Naava was a warm, generous, smiling presence- who emanated no sense of self-accolades or ego about what she did. And I remember, as a former art consultant, admiring the beautiful pieces of artwork on her walls and thinking, "Well, she must be financially successful to have such a largess of beautiful artwork." Whereupon I looked at the signatures to find out the artists' name, and noticed it was her own.

At which point I thought, "Is there anything this woman does NOT do- and do well?"

I read Naava's obituary yesterday and realized that I knew about 1/8 of all that she had done and accomplished in her time on this earth. And most of what she did was to the betterment or enlightenment of mankind. So that to me, Naava achieved the two very highest objectives one can achieve on this earth 1) to live your dreams, fulfill all of your potential, and love your life and 2) To help others to do the same.

Naava died of cancer a few days ago. She left behind the book that she had written in the last few months of life when she knew she was passing. It was the one undone thing on her 'bucket list' and so she did it. The book, called "NO GOODBYES", is a father daughter memoir about love, war, and resurrection, and you can get it at www.nogoodbyes.info You can also see her pictures, read more about her, and see clips of her work at www.naava.com

Goodbye, lovely Naava,and may your presence emanate from each of us that you touched, and each of us that you will touch. Let us, like you, fulfill on the same possibility of life...

And then pass it on to others.

Pulling out of the Downslide- Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:35:00 +0000

Second Hand Addicts or codependents often have a tendency to see themselves in a negative light. Where does this come from? Does it come from the addict dumping his baggage on his or her loved one? Or is it a prerequisite for loving an addict. An interlocking puzzle piece that helps you find, out of whole world of possibilities, the one person who will be Ying to your Yang. Or said another way- who will put you down, as you already to to yourself.

I tend to think it is a bit of both.

Yesterday, after working on a project and putting a lot of effort into it, I found out by general consensus that my idea was completely not going to work. Before I could wink, the abuser in my head came back saying things like "What are you stupid? Why can't you do this one thing? Will you ever figure this out. You're going to fail. You know you're going to fail." In the past I would have listened to this negative self-talk. I would have lost time, energy, and productivity. Fortunately, from many years of healing, I knew what to do yesterday. I talked about it a little. I shed a tear or two. I sought words of sanity from someone outside of my own head. (I did not speak to an addicted, or unhealthy person.) Then I got on with my life and put it behind me to start over.

This is what a Alanon, CODA, an addiction's therapist, and the Landmark Forum can do for you.(See my side bars for information/articles about them.)These growth and healing tools get you to a point where you are not driven by anything negative coming at you from the outside or the inside. They get you to a point where you know how to pull yourself out of the downslide, and back to the light. And you learn to do it quicker and quicker.

On another note, I am getting a dialogue going on these questions. How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved one's sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

Please post your comments and experiences so we can take a look at this issue more closely, and understand it more fully. For those of you who are new to my blog I have 40+ articles in my side bar on my own experience of loving someone with an addiction, and my education about the disease, so please feel free to read them.

Change Yourself Before You Change The World

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:22:00 +0000

These are words written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey during the eleventh century.

“When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.”

I post these words because they speak to the heart of the Alanon, the group that has been so powerful to Codependents/ Second Hand Addicts around the world. Indeed, these words speak the AA philosophy, the OA philosophy, and every known 12-step groups philosophy.

And they are not just words to be heard and to think, 'hmmmm what a nice idea, maybe I'll try it.' This concept of changing only yourself is actually life and death for many addicts and codependents alike. They fight the battle of a person-changing, disease against all odds of success. Addicts try to fruitlessly conquer alcohol, while codependents try to fruitlessly change addicts- killing themselves in the process. And what really works is when you stop fighting, and change yourself before you change the world.

A complex concept. but you can read more of my 40+ writings on Alanon,12 step programs, Codependency/Second Hand Addiction, and addiction in general through the links on my side bar.

I also invite you to read some of my other writings on other subjects. Here is an excerpt from my newest article on my hub, “On Spirituality, religion, and Creating Our World.”

http://www.squidoo.com/lensmaster/new_workshop/howtomanifestanythingyouwant

So let us take a better look at Jesus, since he was our role model as Christians. Jesus said that we, like him, are sons of GOD, and children of GOD. With this in mind, consider that Jesus was not teaching people that HE was special, and made in the image of and likeness God (which he was, of course)... but rather that we ALL are special, and made in the likeness of GOD. Consider that Jesus was saying that there is God in each of us. Now if that is true it follows that if Jesus can perform miracles, walk on water, feed the masses, etc, so can we all.

Domestic Abuse, Healthcare, and Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Today in the course of my work I came across some statistics on women who are victims of Intimate Partner Violence. It seems that 46% of women enrolled in an HMO in Idaho had suffered Intimate Partner Violence, sometimes called domestic abuse or spousal abuse. Although the abuse had ended, 5 years later their average healthcare costs were 20% higher than other women. Their health care costs were also two times higher for mental health visits and 6 times higher for alcohol or drug visits. This study was published by the Us Department of Health and Human Services: Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.
http://www.ahrq.gov/research/sep07/0907RA11.htm

These statistics say a myriad of things to us. They speak to the long term affects of abuse and victimization. They speak to the mental health of victims. And they probably indicate that people who have been victimized turn to alcohol or drugs, for reasons we can only guess.

But for our conversation about Second Hand Addiction (the plight of those who love addicted people) we can say this: One obvious fact is that a significant number of women and even men who are abused live with active substance abuse that sets a climate for the violent episodes. Digging a little further we can say that victims of such incidents are profoundly and negatively affected by their experiences. These studies seem to indicate that the physical bodies of victims are affected- even in the absence of any current victimization. This is not unlike the state of a Second Hand Addict or codependent, whose abuse may be emotional or mental, but who suffers repeated physical ailments that mimic his or her substance-abusing counterpart. In other words the state of codependents and domestic violence victims alike suggests that real physical ailments manifest not only from real physical stressors, but also from mental/emotional stressors- even if those stressors live in the past.

So as we contemplate this from a perspective of addiction, we realize that it is imperative that we begin to converse about the plight of Second Hand Addicts, who, like domestic violence victims, are getting emotionally, mentally, and physically ill from the experience- whether or not they are being 'victimized.' Since one in 10 people are addicted, and since they all have mothers, fathers, siblings, children, and significant others, that is a lot of sickness going around. And all of that sickness has a hidden relationship to substance abuse that goes largely unnoticed- since the connection is indirect.

I for one would like to see a study that follows the healthcare costs and services of codependents- a study which I believe would be quite unnerving.

So with this in mind, and as per my last post, I am getting a dialogue going on these questions. How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved one's sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

Please post your comments and experiences so we can take a look at this issue more closely, and understand it more fully. For those of you who are new to my blog I have 40+ articles in my side bar on my own experience of loving someone with an addiction, and my education about the disease, so please feel free to read them.

Dialogue- How You Learned That Your Loved One Had an Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:39:00 +0000

One of the purposes of this blog is to help people recognize when someone they love has a drug or alcohol problem. This is not always easy, as we are all drawn to denial about this disease. There is a lot of shame and stigma attached, and most of us really don't want to know it. I still cringe, for instance, when I recall that I actually argued with my loved one that he did not have an alcohol problem. He was reaching out for help, but I was in denial.

I have talked a lot on this blog. (As a trained actress I love a good monologue) But now I think it is time for a dialogue. I got this idea for a dialogue from an informational website I was on. It was a good one and I recommend it at http://www.drugrehab101.com/articles1.html The article said that addicts (alcohol or drug) show the following signs:

They may...

Lament that they wish they could stop drinking and/or drug use?
Get annoyed by you questioning the amount of alcohol or drugs they are taking?
Feel sad about something they have done while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?
Need drinks many times throughout the day
Lie about what they are doing
Talk about drug or alcohol use
Be depressed or maybe even suicidal
Give up things they used to love to do
Get in trouble with the law

So here are my questions. How did you finally see that someone you loved had an alcohol or drug problem? What signs did you not see in the beginning, that you can now see in hindsight? What did you do to help your loved one and, even more importantly, what did you do to help yourself? What did your loved ones sickness do to you, the person that I call the Second Hand Addict and that therapists call codependent, as you were inhaling the toxic smoke of his or her unhealthy behavior and mindset?

Please write a comment back so we can explore this issue more fully.
For those of you who are new to my blog I have 40+ articles in my side bar on my own experience of loving someone with an addiction, and my education about the disease, so please feel free to read them.

A Second Hand Addict's Sanctuary- There is None

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Most people who love addicts face a living death- of the body, the mind, and finally the spirit. In this world of sadness and pain, there is no place to rest your head or find Sanctuary. Watch this moving video to get a sense of what it is like to love someone with a substance problem.

Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley: Creating a Real-World “Thriller Night”

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 02:17:00 +0000

As a writer and also a sort of addiction-ologist I cannot help but observe and reflect on the division of our nation as it pertains to Michael Jackson. The overarching question seems to be should we revere him or should we condemn him? Was he a Demi-God, or was a monster? And the whole climate of confusion, as well as the depth of mourning, harks me back to the age of 9 and the death of Elvis Presley. I can remember foggily asking in those sad days…How could this be?

And I can see that it is a question we are all asking again.

And if you expanded this question it might sound something like this… “How could someone so talented, so gifted, so powerfully able to touch human beings have come to this?” And the very way that we were touched by Elvis Presley and later by Michael Jackson seems to indicate a depth of humanity in both that is starkly contradicted by their behavior.

So how do we reconcile this seeming contradiction? We look here and we look there. We split up and take sides. Demi-God-ers face off with Monster-ites. We argue amongst ourselves. Those who want to deny and forget the monstrosities condemn those who want to deny and forget the greatness of The King of Pop. And the same also happens in reverse.

And so we create a house divided in our very nation. And it is the same divided house that has been in existence in millions of torn homes across our nation for years innumerable. And in our ‘nation-house’ we see the same denial, the same determination to take sides, and the same fierce loyalty and confusion about which side to take that has existed in torn homes forever. And in those torn homes as in our ‘nation-home’ we see aberrant and criminal behaviors like those of Michael Jackson. And in those torn homes as in our ‘nation home’ we see loose cannon behaviors like those of Elvis Presley. And in those torn homes, as in our ‘nation-home’, we hang on for the greatness, and recoil from the depravity. And in those torn homes, as in our nation home, there is one common denominator…the existence of a drug addict, alcoholic, or substance abuser. And now we uncover what is very probably the same common denominator in Michael Jackson in his abuse of prescription drugs.

As an educator in the field of addiction, I pray for the day that we truly understand that drugs and alcohol affect the very way that human beings think. I hope we will someday see that each and every drug, including alcohol, affects the functioning of the human brain in a multitude of ways. And when a person is on drugs and alcohol, he or she cannot be trusted to follow the rules of conscience or values. And the longer the person has been taking drugs or alcohol, the less conscience and values we will see. And as the drugging or drinking progresses, there comes a time when a person’s behavior and thinking goes 100% opposite to common values, common sense, and even common human feeling. And there even comes a time when the person’s thinking is so askew that he or she will justify the commission of atrocities and crimes even when the drug is not present.

I was a lover of Elvis as much as many of you are lovers of Michael. As such I am sometimes guiltily thankful that the king died before he could reconcile himself to doing something worse than shooting out a television set. I never would have wanted to see atrocity coming from the man who brought tears to my eyes when he sang words like…
“If I can dream of a better land, where all my brothers walk hand in hand, tell me why can’t that dream come true.”

And yet I have a fear that regardless of Michael and regardless of Elvis, we as a people will go merrily along on our well-worn path, drinking and drugging our way to our own personal versions of Neverland. We will continue to use prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, alcohol, illicit and illegal drugs, club drugs, and some of us will even suck on aerosol cans or drink rubbing alcohol to alter our brains and get high. And we will believe with all of our hearts that what happened to the King of Rock and Roll and what happened to the King of Pop will never happen to us. We will believe that we will never become like them. We will believe that we alone are impervious to the affects of drugs and alcohol on our minds. We will believe like Elvis believed and like Michael believed- thereby creating our own real-world version of “Thriller Night.”

The Zarate Brothers... We demand to Know More.

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:18:00 +0000

I was reading about the two young Zarate brothers who murdered their teenage neighbor and were caught while throwing the trunk with her dismembered body off The Passaic River bridge. One of them was convicted in an earlier trial and the other one just got convicted this week. It was alleged that this week's convict, James Zarate, hated his neighbor, who had gotten him into trouble years before for bullying her.

Whenever I read this type of thing I ask the question "What created this monster who would kill a girl because he didn't like her?"

It seems perhaps I am the only one asking this question. It seems so at least as far as the media is concerned. The media seems quite content to ignore this question. And their silence implies that these two boys are monstrous freaks of nature. They spring out of nowhere and nothing,and sit in our minds in monster-land, along with all the other freaks of nature we hear about all day long over the news. We hear about them, give a gasp of shock, and then dismiss them. They are not related to us- and so nothing we can impact.

There are many people we put in this category...mothers who murder their two year old daughters and put stickers on their taped up mouths, young men and boys who open fire on their very classmates and teachers, family men who murder their own beloved wives and children for reasons unexplored.

I am not blaming the media. After all, they are just a reflection of the greater society. They write what we want to read. And apparently we are not asking the right questions for them to answer.

But as a person who studies the science of being (ontology) I have to ponder...Isn't it odd how many monsters and freaks of nature we are producing these days. Can they all truly be springing from nowhere and out of nothing?

There are many things that go into the creation of a human being. If I were a psychologist I'm sure that I could enumerate them. But I am not. However I think any layman, and even the experts of the world would say that a person's past experience plays a huge part of the creation of that person. Certainly any prison psychologist would say it.

Not quite so common-knowledge, but equally recognized in the world of mental health and addiction is the role that alcohol and drugs plays in the acts of violence that we see in the world. Interestingly, we see the acts of violence in the news day in and day out, some monstrous, some becoming almost commonplace- but we hear little about the role that alcohol and drugs plays in this violence. meanwhile the 2002 study from the United States Justice Department found that 71 % of all prison inmates are substance abuser or dependent on alcohol or drugs.

Meanwhile in our day to day world we may hear something in passing such as "By the way, the woman whose head was bashed in with a brick after being raped by several men at 3am behind her house happened to be very drunk coming out of a keg party." Now if we look close and read between the lines, we can also assume the same of her her attackers. We can only assume this, of course, because no one makes a connection.

So why don't we hear about the two critical factors of past experience and substance use when we hear about the monsters and freaks in our world?

In my considered opinion, these might just be THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT FACTORS in the creation of monsters in our world. I am clear there are diligent, hard-working scholarly people investigating these factors, doing research and writing books that then sit in a dusty college library, or on some website somewhere. These same people live in eternal hope that somehow, someway, the mass populace might actually hear and act upon their well-studied findings. But we don't hear them. And so they sit.

And the terrible tragedy is that these two factors of past experiences and substance use are factors that CAN BE IMPACTED by us. Our own behavior and what we do to others is changeable. And we have therapy and counseling and healing arts to help people whose minds go far awry after traumatic experience. In addition our own consumption of alcohol and drugs as a society is something that we CAN CHANGE.

Now I don't say any of this is easy. I acknowledge that it is very, very difficult to impact these factors. Which is perhaps why we don't talk about it. It is much easier to dismiss people as freaks, than to actually shift and change them.

However this is a time in history when we, like the million dollar man, "Have the technology." We can rebuild people, before they commit atrocities. And I for one demand that we do it. I demand that we no longer take the easy road, while two-year olds are stuffed into garbage bags by their mothers, who are reported in tabloids months later as having gone partying at the club the night after. And we hardly question how that relates.

I for one will no longer tolerate ignorance in the matter of the violence in our world. I will no longer tolerate that we not make the connection repeatedly IN THE PUBLIC EYE of violence to substance abuse and to people's past experiences. Both of these are inter-related, I am sure. So I am a demand to know, and to see a connection, so that we can start the long road to impact change.

Who are the Zarate Brothers? What has happened to them in their lives that might cause such a schism in character? And what kind of alcohol or drugs have they taken, regularly or irregularly, that might impact their thinking to allow such a loss of all human conscience and feeling?

If you have any thoughts on how we can get these questions and others like them answered and put powerfully in the public eye, please respond to this post or email me using the address on my blog.murder and the Zarate Brothers,

What is a Second Hand Addict- And Am I One?

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:00:00 +0000

The term Second Hand Addict in its most narrow use refers to anyone who is close to a person who has an alcohol, drug, or other addictive problem. And the sad fact is that those who live around the severe dysfunction of an addicted person are drastically and negatively affected by that person. They are, in effect, inhaling the toxic smoke of another person’s dysfunction, and so becoming very sick themselves. Usually these people are the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, close friends, or coworkers of addicted people. The treatment community often calls such a person codependent, and we will talk about why this is a problem in a minute.

The term Second Hand Addict in its broadest use can refer to anyone who has been adversely affected by an addict, or addict-like personality- knowingly or unknowingly. With this usage we can begin to see that all of society is inhaling the toxic smoke of substance abuse and addictions: from the girl walking down the street who gets her purse stolen for money to buy drugs, to the rape victim whose abuser has lost all human feeling from overuse of alcohol or drugs, to the baby who is left in a trash can by her heroine addicted mother, to the child who is killed in the street by a drunk driver etc, etc, etc. With this usage we can begin to see that we are all Second Hand Addicts because we live with and feel the effects of similar atrocities all around us daily…And tragically we often don’t connect them to the abuse of substances, or to addiction.

So the problem goes on and on with no relief in sight for people or society. We might call this a society-wide blindness and denial of the most insidious type.

But I want to put this thought aside for a moment, and go back to the first usage of the term Second Hand Addict. These are people who are closest to the addict and so affected over and over again by the deadly smoke they give off. We will do this remembering that addicts are often good people at heart, who are in the grip of something that seems unshakeable. Addicted brains are malfunctioning and the people with the brains have become very sick. We will make no condemnation or judgment of such people, recalling that many of us use alcohol and drugs in a manner could easily lead to the same sick behavior, and it is just dumb blind luck that we are not sick. (For some people as little as a few drinks a week will lead to a severe problem with alcohol down the line.)

So back to the purpose at hand. The question we are looking at is this “Am I a Second Hand Addict?”

There are two primary ways you can determine the answer. Number one is through the behavior of the addict. Number two is through your own behavior. I will attempt to address both so you can get a fuller picture.

An addicted person will often hide his alcohol, drugs, or gambling from others. He or she will not want anyone to know the full extent of his usage. A Second Hand Addict will try to catch him or her in the lie, looking for empty beer cans, pill bottles, syringes, or the mortgage bill to see if the rent money was spent at the crap table. An addict will often verbally, emotionally, or even physically attack those closest to him or her. A Second Hand Addict will defend him or herself a lot. He or she will spend a lot of time trying to figure out how ‘not to upset’ his or her loved one- a futile effort because addicts look for reasons to pick fights. An addict will call names or otherwise put down his or her loved ones, causing the Second Hand Addict to feel there is something wrong with him, and to try to fix it.

A Second Hand Addict will take care of the addict, the house, the job, and anyone else around her- but seldom attend to his or her own needs. The addict, anesthetized and immobilized by alcohol or drugs, will leave more and more of the work up to everyone else. The addict will of course call everyone else around him lazy, and those around him will defend themselves- making it sound all the more true.

Here are some other characteristics of Second Hand Addicts that emerge inside of being around the various characteristics of the addicted personality. Second Hand Addicts often have difficulty identifying what they are feeling. They put others above themselves to a dangerous degree. Second Hand Addicts have difficulty making decisions. They may judge themselves harshly. They avoid recognition, praise, and gifts. They think their needs and wants are unimportant. They usually value others' approval over their own, and do not see themselves as loveable or worthwhile.

Second Hand Addicts often compromise their own values and integrity to appease other people. They may be oversensitive to how others are feeling, and most of them take on the feelings of others. They are extremely loyal, and often remain in harmful situations too long. (Which is why addicts choose them.) Second Hand Addicts often value others' opinions and feelings more than their own. They may put aside their own interests and hobbies in order to do what other people want. They often accept sex, when what they really want is love.

As you might be able to see Second Hand Addiction (or Codependency) is really a disease of self esteem. This makes perfect sense as the behavior of an addict will typically destroy self esteem in those closest to him. Some people come into a relationship with an addict with some of these characteristics. Others develop them as a result of the toxic smoke of addiction that they inhale.

Recovering from this affliction involves a journey back to the self, learn to love and value yourself, warts and all.

Of course no-one wants to see him or herself as having these characteristics, so you will have to be brutally honest with yourself to see if the term Second Hand Addict applies to you. The denial for this sickness is strong, so you will need to look at the actuality of how you interact with others and what you actually say and do- not how you like to think of yourself. You can also read some more of my blog entries to hear more examples in practicality. I have successfully made the journey from Second Hand Addict to Self Love, and so may be able to light your way. Remember not to look for all of the characteristics. A fair amount will do fine to tell you if you are a Second Hand Addict.

If you think that you are, then you want to do something about it. Go to an addictions therapist, to Alanon (for those who have alcoholics in their lives) to Nar-anon (for those who have drug addicts in their lives) or to the all-encompassing Codependents Anonymous (for those who are simply codependent, and know it.)

I am saying to do this, and to do it quick. People who live around addicts often die sooner than the addict due to the high stress and a lessened desire to live. Even if this does not happen to you, there is one more question to think about.

You only have one life. Wouldn’t it tragic to live it all never knowing the one person most important to you… yourself.

Russian Roulette- A Click Away from Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 10 May 2009 01:07:00 +0000

At approximately 6:00 pm on Tuesday the 28th of April I was called out of work by the EMT squad to pick up my children from my ex-husband Dave's care. Dave had had a severe seizure in the parking lot of Stop and Shop as a result of his attempts to detoxify from alcohol with no supervision. There were plenty of witnesses, 4 EMTs, 3 bystanders, one who works at the middle school. He had been drying out so that he could see his children. I came to the scene and found him covered in blood, surrounded by pools of red on the concrete where his face had smashed down. A mangled nose and forehead had taken the full force of the fall from his 5'11" height.

Meanwhile his children, ages 14, 12, and 11 had seen the seizure in its entirety. By all accounts, it was a sight that would make a strong adult cringe. They were visibly shaken. I thought to myself, 'tomorrow I will try to undo the damage of seeing such a sight- but I am not sure it is possible.' I took the younger two to their aunts, but the older one would not leave his dad's side. We picked up Dave's mom and spent three hours in the hospital, where I could not convince this 80+ year old woman to leave her youngest son.

Sadly, my oldest son had grown up well beyond his years in those moments. In the car, he put all attention on brother and sister. Later it was on grandmom, and dad. I thought to myself, 'he will hold out to have his own meltdown until tomorrow morning, when he will come to me too exhausted to go school.' He lay awake in his bed that night- reliving the scene again and again in his mind. Then he came to me in the morning. Everything was predictable. It always is with Codependency. I was reliving the scene myself at 1:18 in the morning. You don't stop loving someone, even though you divorce them. And you never quite get cured from Codependency, Second Hand Addiction, and the disease of caring for others more at your own expense.

This scene strikes at the core of what I call Second Hand Addiction. An ex wife goes with her ex husband to the hospital. A frail, elderly mother stays by her son's side all night long so that he won't leave the hospital when he wakes up. She actually causes him to leave prematurely because she is his only way out. He has no money, no keys, no equilibrium. But she will walk him out and take him home, out of her love for him. Then we have a son who has to grow up quick. He is witness to such scenes over and again. But still he won't leave the bedside because he has seen the best of his father, and loves that best. Mom has seen this too, and ex-wife. And so they are all stuck.

I knew that night that the thing you do for an addict in order to help him is not to help him. But I went to the hospital and stayed too long anyway. Then I spent two days trying to heal the heartbreak. Then I spent another week trying to keep Dave from driving his children. He was determined to drive them, seizures or no seizures. His alcoholic brain is so altered from constant use that he does not see that his very love and need to see his children could kill them. Then in Dave's eyes I became his enemy. And so I spent another week getting nasty emails and phone messages, trying to talk sanity into his craziness. My daughter, God bless her for a maturity well beyond her years, then sacrificed her school vocal concert. She loves to sing more than anything- but mom was working and she knew if she told dad he would drive them over to the school. She also knew that if I got someone else to drive her, he would fight with that person, and then drive them over to the school. The only answer was not to tell him. And so he sat all night in sweet oblivion, not knowing the pain he had just caused his beloved only daughter, and wondering why she was melancholy.

And I tell you truly that I know the heart and soul of Dave, and it is a good one.

Think of the person that you love and admire the most and then picture them doing the types of things that Dave does. The picture does not add up. So it is with those of us who love an addict. The picture does not add up to the person we know is there. We try to hate them- but we can't. We know who they are and it just doesn't make any sense.

There is no real cure for addiction. There is no real cure for substance abuse. The best we can hope to do is get them off the drug. Then we have to pray that they stay off of it. If we can get addicted people off the drug, and if they can stay off it, then they can become some of our greatest role models for living. But the trick is to get them off and keep them off long enough to get them thinking straight. And that's one heck of a trick .

There is no real cure for addiction.

An addict in recovery will always wonder if he or she will fall into that deep dark hole again. If he does, he will take his loved ones with him, because there is no real cure for what they have either. So an addict's life will have to be pristine. No guilt, no shame, no malice, no resentments. Any of these could cause a relapse. Hence a successful recovering addict is a role model. Because he knows he can't fall like the rest of us. He doesn't have the luxury of falling.

It has been said that drinking and drugging is like holding a loaded gun up to your head, playing Russian Roulette. The lone bullet in the gun is marked 'addiction-a lifetime of heartache for you and everyone around you.' We play and play and play that game, a society of risk-takers. And a lot of people get shot.

Personally, I don't drink anymore. I never thought much of gambling with my life.

The Light at The End of The Tunnel

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 23:19:00 +0000

A good friend of mine read a couple of entries on my blog for the first time today. After reading he remarked "It's kinda depressing... Isn't there any light at the end of the tunnel?"

All day I pondered his remarks. Addiction is not a pretty subject. It is hard to address as a writer in a way that is uplifting and provides some hope. Of course light is what I strive for- but I am sure I don't always hit the mark.

So today my friend's remarks were on my mind.

Also on my mind as the current turmoil with my ex husband and his alcoholism. This time it had to do with a custody battle. Although my children reside with me, Dave has retained joint custody, and the legal rights to see his children. If you've been following my blog, you might realize that this is no longer a good idea. And so although I have no money, I filed a motion for custody. I was determined to make a stand for my children, and would rely on the justice of the legal system. What I wanted was for Dave to be evaluated for a substance abuse problem, and his custody/parenting time adjusted until he had control of his problem.

What came back at me in a counter-motion from his lawyer yesterday was a long slew of allegations. There were partial truths, half-truths, and untruths- with a good slice of politician-like spin. All were designed to make it look like I was the one who was the 'bad' parent.

So this was on my mind today as I thought about the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel.' I began to wonder,in all of the work that I have done, where have I come from and where have I gotten to.

As I pondered, I thought about the time period 16 years ago, being a young mother and not knowing I was living with someone else's addiction. In those days I had no self esteem, and I only got my sense of self from my husband Dave. Had these accusations come at me in those days I would have believed every word Dave of them. I would have blamed myself, and become deeply depressed. After all, these allegations hit me in my most vulnerable spot, my deep desire was to be a good mother. Considering all of this, I'm not sure I would have even survived the experience.

I thought some more and stopped at 11 years ago. I was still a young mother. I was attending my very first Alanon meetings. I was learning about addiction and trying to separate myself from Dave. In the process, I was grasping for shreds of self-esteem that came from within myself. I had some support in those days from my friends in Alanon. So if Dave's accusations had hit me then, I probably would have spent a week on the phone with people. Those people would be trying to make me see that everything was not all my fault, and I would be having a hard time grasping the thought

I thought more about where I came from and where I got to. It was now 9 years ago. I was in three 12-step programs including Codependents Anonymous. I was also in group therapy. I had learned a lot about the sickness of addiction. I had gained many miles in self esteem. But I was now angry at how Dave had treated me all of those years. Had these accusations come at me in those days I would have met them with venom and spite. That venom and spite, though it might have been fulfilling in the moment, would have eaten me alive. (Resentment is akin to taking poison and hoping someone else gets sick.) In those days I was full of that self-killing poison of resentment.

In pondered some more and now it was 5 years ago. In those days I had a new tool called Landmark Education under my belt. I went to the Landmark Forum and a lot of courses and classes to shift myself. In so-doing I had given up my anger and spite. I had a strong sense of self now. I knew that a sickness caused Dave to act as he did. So I maintained my calm while also and standing up for myself and my children. But deep down I clung to a desperate hope that Dave would cure himself. All of the work I did on myself in those days was aimed at trying to get Dave sober.

Meanwhile, Dave was on a seesaw, in a constant flux between drinking and not drinking. With him I 'started fresh' over and again. The more time Dave spent on his never-ending see-saw- the more work I did to keep my self centered. Had these allegations come at me in those days, I would have looked to see what my part was and cleaned it up. It would be a long drawn out process of self-reflection that took up huge amounts of my time and energy, and Dave himself would never have been held accountable.

And so now it is today. The year 2009. I have many years of experience in Landmark Education under my belt. I have a background of support groups and therapy- which were also hugely helpful for many years of my life. Sometimes I go and make use of these tools. Sometimes I take time off. I live in moderation these days.

Dave and I are divorced. I still care about him, but from a distance. Now when hurtful words come at me, I can truly detach. I can tell my children, 'it is the disease, and not your father.' If Dave's words are abusive or scary, I leave and take my children with me. I am not afraid to call the police- but I bear Dave no personal malice.

Today when these accusations hit me, I feel the sadness. I even feel the injustice. I call a few people on the phone. I speak with them and get centered. I realize that most of Dave's words are smoke. There is no real fire. For any shreds of truth that exist, I know I can shift how I operate in the future. I also see that I am human. No judge will expect me to be perfect. I know I am a good mother and a good person, and so I have no fear of the outcome.

As for the court motion, today I know exactly what to do. During the week I will move forward on all that I have to do. As usual, I will focus on work, home, health, children. I will not stop the action. I will not dwell in fear. In addition, I will make a game plan and find a lawyer who is willing to give me some feedback. I will give no credence to negative thoughts that may enter my head. I will not entertain worries about things that I cannot control.

In addition, I will walk into the courtroom well-dressed and groomed. I will tell the judge the truth. I will tell it without venom, or spite. I will tell it without anger or fear. I will tell it while also knowing my value and worth. I will tell it with true humility. I will not look to hurt Dave. I will even have compassion. I will remember that Dave is only acting-out his own terror, fear, and misery.

And in conclusion, I will walk out of that courtroom with a court order for Dave to be evaluated.

And that my friends is the light at the end of the tunnel. My own personal victory- but one that is truly accessible to everyone. Because if I can get to such a place of health and sanity- anyone can get there.

Second Hand Addiction- Exactly What Do You mean?

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 02:58:00 +0000

Today I went to pick up my three children from their father's house. It was Super Bowl Sunday, 10 minutes before the game, and I was picking up my children early because Dave, a chronic last-stage alcoholic- was drunk again.

Their dad was not in his right mind and not happy at the early termination of his super bowl party. He called me several swear words in his loudest voice, screamed at me to get out of his house, and hovered over me, threatening to hit me. Clearly I am a secondhand addict- an innocent person drastically affected by someone else's addiction.

Dave's mother was there, a quiet refined woman of class. Soon she found herself pleading with her 44 year old son to let her grandson go and to stop
calling her former daughter-in-law filthy names. Clearly this peaceful soul is a secondhand addict- an innocent person drastically affected by someone else's addiction.

My children were there- ages 14, 12, and 10. They heard the threats and verbal assaults. My middle boy was being held forcibly on his dad's lap. How would this and other such events imprint on their growing brains? How would it affect their lives as adults? How would the constant onslaught of such negative role modeling affect their parenting? Then too,how would this parenting affect their children someday? Clearly these three, and all of their children to come, are secondhand addicts- Innocent people drastically affected by someone else's addiction.

As I left the house I called my former brother-in-law. I was afraid that when I left Dave would turn his uncontrollable rage on his 80 year old mother. Now my brother and sister-in-law were missing the super bowl to take care of their mother. They are disliking their brother a lot these days. You can't blame them but it eats away at the soul. Clearly they and their brothers and sisters are all secondhand addicts- innocent people drastically affected by someone else's drinking.

Dave has no job these days, having lost his when he could no longer function to do his work. So we can now add his abandoned boss to the list of secondhand addicts- not as drastically affected, but affected none-the-less.

Now we can move away from Dave and multiply all of these 20 or so people by the millions of addicted people in the world to account for all of their relatives, employers, and close friends.

Can we begin to get a feel for how many second hand addicts there are in the world?

But wait, our list is not through yet. We now need to add all of the people who have died at the hands of a drunk driver. And we need to add in all of their bereaved families and friends. So the list gets longer. And we need to add all of the people who have ever gotten mugged, physically assaulted, or even murdered by someone who was high or who needed money to get high. And we need to add in the family and friends who sat outside of the Intensive Care Unit as they waited to see if their assaulted loved ones would make it. They are second hand addicts- people drastically affected by someone else's addiction.

And they don't even know it.

And the list gets longer.

But our list is still not even through yet. Many of our addicted citizens find their way to homelessness at some point. So we need to add to our list of secondhand addicts all of the people who work at the disheartening task of helping them. And while we are at it we need to add the people who work at the hopeless task of trying to find work for addicted people- only to see their efforts fail again and again. They are all gravely affected by another person's addiction.

And we need to add the people who pay for all of these services, as well as those who pay for the jails stuffed full of addicted people. We need to add you the taxpayer to our list. For you are a secondhand addict, and you don't even know it.

This blog is designed to help those whose lives are drastically affected by someone else's addiction. And it is designed to send the message to each of us that we are all hugely affected by the addicted people who live among us, whether we know it or not.

And I am not sure exactly what we will do once we realize this. The answer is certainly not to shame and blame addicted people- which will only worsen the problem.

But I do know this...

In order to change something, you must first see it.

So I am here, along with my blog entries, to help you to see the problem.

So I invite you to read on.

A Second Hand Addict's Dream on Martin Luther King Day

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:44:00 +0000

I have a dream that all people will live free,
Loving without fear,
Giving without pain,
Taking without guilt,
Trusting in their truth.

I have a dream that all people will find light,
Laughing with their joy,
Crying with their pain,
Knowing that they count,
Loving self above all else.

I have a dream that the children will be free,
Telling their truth,
Singing their song,
With no fear of harm,
For body, mind, or soul.

I have a dream…
A codependent's dream

Lorelei F

Blessings to all
To learn about this blog and Second Hand Addiction, look back at these entries.
When I First Learned that I loved an addict.
Do I love an Addict (Part 1)
Do I Love an Addict (Part 2)
Finding Peace With Addiction
Why I Write

Life Is Not Fair- But Be Happy Anyway

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 12:35:00 +0000

Yesterday, as I left my daughter's 5th grade holiday concert, I noted the oddness of my life. I was the only one of the smiling herds of cheerful faces who was listening at that moment to the father of my children threatening to "take me on, if I was going to f--- with him." Everyone else was thinking of trees and hot chocolate waiting at the house and I was faced once again with the dilemma " What do I do about my drunk ex-husband?" I had earned these wonderful words from the father of my children because I had the gall to offer to drive him home. I pondered how far to pursue this. Do I call the police over to the school? Do I just let it be? How many times, in this "friends don't let friends drive drunk climate", does one have to give up one's own peace, serenity, and happiness for a brawl in the streets with some loved one who refuses to take the responsibility for his own life? Put another way, when does the addict step up to the plate, and when do we get to live our own lives, away from his insanity? In the final analysis, I informed principal of the school of the situation, and walked away. I gave the kids my mother's lecture "yes, dad does drive drunk, so don't ever get in the car with him," and we went on our way. Right, wrong or indifferent, that's what I did this time. At home we had a holiday treat, and watched Christmas Story. Apart from 5 or 10 somber minutes at the concert, that was the extent of our upset. Of course this is not typical in the alcoholic or addicted family. Generally a drunk father at a concert is good for a ruined event, and an entire evening of upset. But I have a lot of years of Alanon under my belt. I have a lot of addiction therapy, and they have Alateen. But as I came home from the event I couldn't help remembering my 12 year old son's sober face as he walked toward the car. I could almost feel the tears that he was too old to let himself shed. And I remembered his earlier words "Mom, why do you always seem so mad when you get around dad?" And I remembered, even more tellingly, how he answered his own question. He did this with an adult knowing. "Never mind" he said " I know it's because gotta watch and you don't know what to do, and you're sad, so you get mad." And with those words he had me pegged, dead to rights- wise beyond his years. And as I reflect today, I am astounded by the unfairness of it all. That a 12 year old has to know that much about the world. That even divorced we deal with the insanity of addiction. And on another front, that no matter how I have tried, I still do not make a living wage. That my children have to deal with with their father,and also with the constant worry about how they will survive. My mind persists, unfathoming. "With all of this going on, why am I not able to at least be comfortable financially?" And isn't there some God who finally thinks "It's time to cut them a break," and tells some blessing-giving angel to throw a bone down to us/ And even as I want to run on that thought, feeling sorry for myself, I remember those old, time-worn words, the words I have told my children so many times "Nobody ever said that life would be fair." We were never promised a fair life. We were never promised a great life. In fact, we were never promised anything at all. Life isn't fair, Life just is. And as I am told by Alanon, and Eckert Tolle, and The Landmark Forum, and countless other profound teachings of the day, when 'life just is' the way 'it is' you have two choices. You can accept it or fight it. Or said another way, you can be happy or you can be miserable. Because in order to be happy-you must accept, for the moment, exactly the way life is and exactly the way life isn't. You must give up the fight, and stop wishing it were some other way. You must especially accept your own self- your upsets, worries, and emotions- exactly how you are and exactly how you aren't And in the space of acceptance, inside of surrender to what is, you can then look another way. You can notice a beautiful tree. You can put on some lovely music. You can pick up your paint brush and draw. You can enjoy a Christmas movie. But you can only look another way when you give up the fight, and give up obsessing how to make it some other way. Or conversely when you give up working to pretend it is some other way. Suddenly, in that miracle-moment of nothing to obsess on or try for, you can look another way and be grateful. You can be grateful for trees and skies and radios. You can be grateful that your children's father is still alive. You can be thankful that they get some small piece of him while he is still here on the earth. And you can then remember your daughter's glowing face when he entered the concert hall, and not just your son's when he left. And when you see life through this different lens, when you paint that tree you see or remember that look on your daughter's face, you are happy. No matter what may happen tomorrow, or the next day, or three weeks, or three minutes from now. You are happy now. And with this thought I wish all of you, each and every one- no matter what your circumstances- a happy holiday and year. Please also view my video, All I Want For Christmas is a Job

Codependency, Second-Hand Addiction, and The Landmark Forum- What is all the fuss about this course?

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:58:00 +0000

As many of you know, Second-Hand Addiction is my term for the people who love addicted people. They are the innocent victims of the sickness, if you will. Therapists call these same people codependents, and they will say that codependents are just as sick from the drinking and drugging that happens around them as the addicts are...if not more so. Unfortunately, Second Hand Addicts do not always realize they are living with addiction. they do not see how drastically they are affected by addiction, or that they need help. They often know they are desperate- but don't know exactly why or what to do about it. Hence the reason for my blog.

In addition, I would go so far as to say that we addicts and codependents, only know two ways to live, and the entire sphere of our existence lives in these 'polar opposite' ways of being. To clarify, Addicts and Second Hand Addicts either attack or defend, control or be controlled, manipulate or be manipulated, step-on or be stepped on. In short they are either the action- usually aggressive- or the reaction. Now this same phenomenon can be said to exist in all people to some extent, but with an addict (alcoholic) or codependent, action/reaction is about the only way we live. And I lump myself in both of these groups as a former codependent with an ongoing struggle with food addiction.

Now why do I say former codependent, and how could that be? Many of you therapists and 12-step program people will wonder about this term and think I am in denial to say it out loud. You are clear that 'once a codependent, always a codependent.' And truthfully I thought the same way previous to my taking of The Landmark Forum and other related courses. Previous to those courses, it was a long, hard struggle to erase my codependent tendencies and the struggle went on daily, weekly, monthly- despite the enormously beneficial presence of therapy and 12-step programs in my life. But I say former because I now live in a place where codependent/ addicted tendencies are virtually erased and do not show up in my life. And if once in a while some codependency creeps in, it comes and goes so quickly that the layman does not see it.

'How could this be?' I can hear your perplexed voices- especially those of you in the recovery field, who are fighting the endless battle against codependency in both the Addict and Second-Hand Addict alike.

It is because The Landmark Forum and all Landmark courses deal with our past, and putting our past in the past so that it no longer runs us. As a general rule, we Addicts/Second-Hand Addicts are fraught with dis-empowering pasts and it was in these dis-empowering pasts that we created our 'kill or be killed', action/ reaction ways of being. Now recovery specialists have fought long and hard to help people deal with their pasts so that they could move forward . We all know the past runs us. But these pesky pasts keep popping up their heads- and mucking up the works of recovery. So you could hardly believe that a course or education could complete a past so fully that it looked as if it had never happened.

But that's exactly what the technology of Landmark Education does. To explain, I will delve a bit into my recent experiences. Many of you who read my blog will know that I recently faced a year long struggle creating finances and a 'day-job.' For nearly a year I had not a single interview nor offer. Then I 'put some past in the past ' in a Landmark Education course. As soon as I did that, I got three interviews in one week, and 2 in the next. I am now looking at several possible jobs to choose from in the next week or so.

Now let me say that the things that I put in the past were largely blind-spots to me. No amount of the outsider (such as a therapist) looking in and telling me the problem could break through those blind spots. You could have written my issues in the sky on a clear, blue day and I would never have seen them. The only way I saw them was when I looked at myself in a new way- through a particular and powerful lens called Landmark Education.

Here was the past I had to see, and then complete to succeed in finding/keeping a job. 1) For all my high-falluting words and concepts, I was arrogant and run by my ego. I had the addict's grandiosity and I thought I was too good for a lot of jobs. I picked that idea up watching my mother suffer at jobs that were well-below her abilities. I vowed I would never do the same thing. 2) I was terrified to fail again at my chosen field. I had 'failed' as a teacher because I had to be the best, the most creative, the most talented. I ran races around my tail, never asking for help in this monumental task of being a new teacher, until it was too late. Subsequently I did not succeed. This was also my past. In what felt like the darkness of my childhood I had built an identity like a life raft. I was told, and I agreed, that I was the most brilliant, the most creative, the most talented child on the planet. That was my identity, and that was what I had to be, come hell or high-water. 3) I sabotaged my efforts to get a job because I did not want one. I wanted to create my own business, my blogs, writing, and speaking and do it my way. At my core, I finally saw that I was afraid of two things. One, if I got a job I would never create my business. I had gone down a lot of start-stop tunnels in the past when it came to having my own dreams, so I knew the pattern, and feared it. Two, and even more fundamentally- I had to stay at home. As a single mom having wrestled my family away from my alcoholic ex-husband, if I was not there, who would be? And it mattered not that my children were older and getting more self-sufficient. Deep in my past was the experience of not being kept safe, and I was simply not going to leave the house to go out to a job.

Now I speak to everyone, but particularly to the therapists and addiction specialists when I repeat, I did not see any of this and I would not see any of this, no matter what you said to me, without the technology of The Landmark Forum. And this is why you want to get your people as long as they are healthy of mind, into the course called The Landmark Forum. And you also want to take the course yourself. The Landmark Forum is for everyone, since everyone has a past. It is particularly for you who work with addiction because you have to experience it to recommend it, and you can't in good conscience ignore this powerful tool for the people you help. So take The Landmark Forum, and send your people to it. Be sure, of course, that anyone you send is fit and healthy enough to accept the insights and memories he or she will encounter. Then go to my blog and let me know that you or someone else took The Landmark Forum. Even better yet, email me and give me the profound pleasure of signing you up for this powerful course myself, as it really makes my day to be involved as we all heal and grow... In fact, it's why I do what I do.

This Too Shall Pass

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:52:00 +0000

As I shared with you in the last post, circumstances in my life were rough this past year. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to rely on an old but poignant Alanon phrase, 'This too shall pass.' On the other hand it has been a huge period of growth. I am currently moving, and today I had the opportunity to read some of my old affirmation cards. I can remember when I made those cards. I went to the store and bought the prettiest box made out of hand-made paper. Then I bought some beautiful cards. Then I sat down and wrote on the cards.

I wrote anything and everything I could think of that would empower me on those cards. As I looked at them today, I was astounded. So many of the things that I had worried about are no longer an issue. As I read my affirmations I thought- "I'm not even that same person anymore." And this was a good thought.

I was taken back in time and I could remember sitting in a group therapy session for several weeks over issues that now seem so miniscule. "How will I tell my mother I am not going to Christmas dinner?" "How will I tell my husband I want to drive myself to the beach instead of going with him?" "How will I tell my sister-in-law that she can't have the kids for the weekend?" These things were so big to me. I was a tried and true people pleaser- whose biggest worry was having people like me, or at the very least not be upset with me.

I tell you all of this not to blow my horn or with grandiosity. The credit truly does not go to me. The only thing I truly ever did was this...

I put myself in places where I could grow, and I stayed in them.

I stayed in Alanon, Coda, Overeater's Anonymous. I went to therapy, retreats and healing weekends. I did the Landmark Forum. I did all of these things and held onto them like a life raft, until I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet.

And because of that, I grew strong and able to face any adversity with peace. Today I went to my 4th interview in 2 weeks. I still do not have that job- the one that will take me to the next place in life. But I am close, and I can feel the energy of how close I am.

After the interview I came home and contemplated that I was 2 short weeks from when my lease was up and I still needed a place to move to. Then I meditated and went for a swim. During the swim I visualized what my life will look like in the very near future with plenty of money and forward surges in my writing business. Then I made dinner, watched the Olympics, packed.

I am living into the future, even though I don't know what it is. I am using the power of manifesting and letting only positive thoughts into my space. And of course every day I take action. But there is now no necessity of having the action be fraught with worry and concern.

I say all of this to you, wherever you may be in your life, whatever may be happening, so that you can know that tomorrow is always a new day. And every moment, every minute, every second is a new opportunity. And if you keep moving forward, and put yourself in the spaces where you can grow, you will grow, and someday you will look back and laugh and say because you won't even know yourself.

Because no matter what you face or when, "This too shall pass."
And it does get better.

The Steps to Sanity- The Landmark Forum

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:54:00 +0000

I'm going to be totally honest and candid today and talk about what my life has been like for the last year or so, and in so doing talk about The Landmark Forum and Landmark Education. This will also make clear why my writings have been so sporadic, as I am being pulled in many directions. And though I have committed to write with more regularity, I apologize as I do not always do it.

I'd first like to say that when I took The Landmark Forum about 8 years ago it was after several years of Alanon, Coda, Overeaters Anonymous, and Therapy. Still I was a shadow of the person you know me to be. I was alone, frightened, lost, helpless and desperate. And I was facing the fact that my marriage to the only man I had ever loved was probably not going to survive his alcoholism. How I would ever become 'the one' to raise my children alone, I did not know. And the the most I knew of myself was how to be a victim.

I took the Landmark Forum and have taken course after course ever since. I have been creating and recreating my very self, until you see me who I am today- confident, capable, and able to do whatever needs to be done and say whatever needs to be said to get the job done.

That said, this last year was a huge year of trials and tribulations- and an even bigger one of growth. I came smack up against devastating financial circumstances, trying and trying to create the funds to support myself and my children. Failing again and again until I saw myself down to my last $30 on the planet.

I was taking two course at Landmark- First The Partnership Course, which was across the country in California, and then The Introduction Leader's Program. I fancied I would be an Introduction Leader for Landmark Education and again I faced failure because...how do you create power for others when you don't even have the money for gas to get to the classes.

What I was most up against during this time were the negative voices in my head. Over and over they would tell me of my failure, and all of the places that I was lacking. Over and over I would go to a class or call a friend in the course and create myself as something quite different. And I would move forward. For Landmark is all about creating what is possible- even if every circumstance in your life would say it is not. It is about having a life you love, in the face of no agreement at all.

At one point I created being powerful. The voices in my head balked- but I used Landmark's technology to quiet them. I knew God wanted me to begin this new addiction awareness business and to get to California for professional help. Through Landmark, I ignored the voices telling me I was inept and raised $11,000 to get there. This business- this blog and all of my blogs and the speaking and radio show soon to come-arose from that trip. So did possibilities for all the people this will help- new possibilities for their lives.

At one point I created being humble. Inside of being humble I did something I had never done before. I began to reach out to others for help. If there is one thing I learned this year, it is that I am loved beyond measure. I also learned of the greatness of other people. I learned how amazing the people in my life are- that my family and friends are generous and giving, and true heroes.

Inside of being humble I took a job in a diner. I have to laugh because it was the most dysfunctional place I had ever encountered. In that place I learned that I had grown to a place where other people's sickness did not affect my own sense of self. For this knowledge alone, the horrific experience was worth it. Every day I used Landmark's technology to create how I could go into this job which would have created fear, suppression, and misery- with power, confidence, and joy.

Inside of being humble I borrowed money from my own children. Inside of Landmark, I did not disempower myself with conversations , ever-ready in my head, about how low I had fallen. Instead I took on that we were all heroes, working together for each other's greater good.

Every step of the way this year I found myself living in joy, peace and happiness. This was not necessarily natural for me, and I might have easily lived in fear, worry, and despair. But I was able to find the power that Eckart Tolle speaks of in "The Power of Now." When I had a dollar to my name, that was enough for right now. Somehow, living this way, creating my happiness, God intervened and saw that we were always taken care of- in the moment of now. All of this I created through my work at Landmark Education.

Now there were other things I did- things I can't diminish like prayer, meditation, hypnotherapy tapes, etc.. And all of these were important. But when I really wanted to take life on and create a miracle- I went to the technology of Landmark.

And it was through Landmark that I saw what had been driving me in not getting a workable job. I saw that deep down I wanted to do it my way. I saw that my way was the best way and my ego was flush up in my face. I saw even deeper that I was afraid of a full time job away from my kids- who suffered for the loss of their dad in their lives already. I saw that I looked down on some jobs. While calling myself open-minded and non-judgemental, I was really a snob. I saw at the deepest level that there was an old conversation that 'I was not good enough, and nobody wanted me'-and that 12 year old conversation was running my life. Now these were all things that I had been blind to- that I did not see or recognize in the moment as I lived my life. And that is what landmark does that is so powerful. It uncovers the blindspots that run you as a person so you can change direction and move forward.

I am still sorting this out in my life. But the door is swinging open to money as I have created being wanted, sought-after, and wise. Because mostly I learned this year that who I am, my value and worth, are not dependent upon where I live, or what I do, or how much money I have. I am good and beautiful, no matter what. And finally in that matter I am not just talking the talk, but walking the walk.

So what I can now truthfully say of the past year is "Thank you God...and it's time to move on."

And for all of you, what I will say is that I want you to take the The Landmark Forum. And I want you to email me. If I can, I will come to your graduation. If not, I will be there in spirit, you can be sure.

If you are new to this blog, you should read some of my earlier entries such as "Why I Write", "Do I love an addict? " part 1 and part 2, and "When I first learned I loved an addict"- as well as many of the other entries that you can pick and choose.

The Steps To Sanity- CODA

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:29:00 +0000

Today I am going to talk about Codependents Anonymous (or CODA) and how you can shift your life by attending it. As usual, I will use examples from my life and work to illustrate.

CODA is a 12-step program similar to Alanon and AA. The 12-steps, in case you have never encountered them, are a powerful formula for living an addiction-free life of sanity. They outline a process for accepting the things you cannot change, changing the things you can, and knowing the difference- using a higher power as the basis for all of the steps.

The primary difference between Alanon and CODA is that CODA takes the strong stance that we are powerless over other people and that we in fact need a higher power and a group process to have relationships in our life that are healthy. Now in either group, you will not be given advice. You will listen to others share, and share yourself, and find your own inner strength.

But in CODA there is a strong emphasis on finding out who YOU are, and in seeing the ways in which you attract to yourself relationships that are unhealthy. And there is a tendency to begin to step away from such relationships and step into healthier ones. In Alanon, on the other hand, there is a tendency to pursue every avenue of self-examination, shifting yourself and seeing how others shift around you. In Alanon you do not necessarily step away- but rather explore being a different person in the situation, and seeing how it changes.

Of course both things can happen in both programs. There is just a slight inclination, in my opinion, one way or the other.

When I came to CODA I really had very little knowledge of who I was. I had been in Alanon and made great shifts about the way I reacted- or did not react- to my husband, but I also felt I was the one doing all of the work. I still had a lingering doubt that I was the 'wrong' one- the one who was somehow failing-and if I could only do it right, all would be well.

In CODA I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that it takes two people to tango. I could not be the one doing all the dance steps and expect to create a waltz. I began to see that maybe, just maybe, I did not want to be the only one dancing anymore.

Now if we move forward to the job I had in the 'somewhat less than functional' restaurant, here's what CODA versus Alanon could do for me.

In Alanon I might stay on, shifting myself and my ways of being, the way I saw my boss, his rules, his quirks, etc. And I might have great strides in the matter of being able to stay in the job and stay sane. In CODA I might look around and say "What in me keeps attracting this level of unhealth in jobs?" I would explore that for a while. With my new found sense of self, I might say "I deserve more." And begin to look for a new job, or make a stand in this one for better treatment. All the while I would be looking to see "How can I shift so that I do not walk right into the same thing again?"

The primary focus in CODA would be on choosing healthy relationships in the first place, with a secondary focus on creating health in existing relationships.

If you are new to this blog, you should read some of my earlier entries such as "Do I love an addict? " part 1 and part 2, and "When I first learned I loved an addict"- as well as many of the other entries that you can pick and choose.

The Steps to Sanity- Alanon

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:56:00 +0000

Today I will talk about my personal life with an addict, in the hopes of giving you some insight about your lives. But as I do so, keep in mind that many of life's situations show up in very unhealthy, dysfunctional ways, and the tools I will tell you about can help them all, from your crazy husband, to your crazy wife, to your crazy boss/job and so on.

When I was with my ex-husband, I could say that cheese was made from milk and in a given mood he might argue the point. Before you knew it his argument could progress from cheese is made of milk to "Why do you always have to have things your way?" to "What's the matter with my cooking?" to "Fine, I won't cook any meals any more" to "I'm outta here" and off he would go. Little did I know he had just been looking for a good excuse to be mad enough at me to go buy beer. I would sit in the insanity- perplexed and wondering what had just happened. After a while I began to argue back and act just as crazy as he did. Then he had a really good and true reason to be mad. I might throw his sandwich out the car window or lob his keys across the parking lot, or kick the coffee table over. In short, after a while I was more nutty than he was.

So when I learned of his addiction, I began to go to Alanon. Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics. However truthfully speaking, almost anyone on the planet qualifies since 90 % of us know or have known someone with a drinking problem, and there are no Alanon police checking you at the door. In Alanon you can go to meetings as much or as little as you want. You will sit in a room with other people. You will listen. If you want to, you will share. This sharing is amazing because for once you get to speak, and no-one else can respond, pass judgement, or give advice. Alanon is free and it is safe, and anonymity is valued above all else. So you never have to worry about your words being repeated.

Alanon is a powerful tool because many of us who have lived with a lot of dysfunction have never had the experience of being free to speak and listen, and work things out for ourselves. We are very unpracticed in the art of following our own inner wisdom, and many of us don't even know that wisdom is there. But if we settle down, and listen, and if other people don't crowd our thoughts with advice and 'their' way- we will find our own way. Alanon works because people don't tell you that what you do is good or bad, right or wrong. There is no judgement of what you say. This is important because many of us who live with addiction make it our life's work to try to do what everyone on the planet thinks is right or good. This of course is impossible- because everyone's opinion differs. But we drive ourselves crazy trying to do it anyway. In Alanon, you don't have to worry about anyone's judgement or assessment of what you do, which is very freeing.

Here's how it would work for me. In Alanon I might read and speak on topics like the slogans or the twelve steps. Later if I was being yelled at for some trumped up reason, I might go to a meeting and hear people talk about the slogan "Easy Does it", "detach" or "think." Now in my previous life I never would have believed a slogan could help you much, but when I was in Alanon and someone would talk about how they used the slogan- I could then begin to use it as well. So the next time I was yelled at, I would remember the slogans. Then I would breathe and think "Easy does it." I might then decide not to re-act to this Dave's words in the moment. Instead I might detach and realize his problem was not my problem. Later I might go to a meeting and talk about it. I might "think" about how I wanted to handle the situation so that I both kept my cool and my sense of dignity. I might consider a few options. Perhaps I might choose to simply walk away from his words the next time with no reaction. Perhaps I would begin to put my ducks in a row to leave, as I did with Dave after several years of this merry-go-round. Perhaps I would decide to have a conversation with him when he was not upset. Perhaps I would speak with a sponsor to sort out what I truly wanted to say, and the best way to say it. A sponsor, by the way, is someone who has worked the program of Alanon for a while and will be a sounding board for you, one on one- for no return. Again he or she gives little advice, but lots of listening and Alanon tools to make your own choices.

In Alanon I learned how to deal with someone else's insane behavior. If you go, you will also probably learn, as I learned, that the way you yourself live is not 100% sane. But this is actually the good news. Because you have to see it before you can change it. This is how Alanon works- awareness, acceptance, action- and it is one of the most powerful methods I have ever encountered for living a life of sanity.

As a side note, I used these same slogans with great effectiveness so that I did not walk off of that unhealthy job until I was 100% good and ready. In the past I would have argued back and quit, and caused myself hardship. This is the true meaning of having control over your own life. No-one else can get you to do anything you don't want to do. You have the say-so of how life goes for you- especially in the face of the craziness of others.

And that, my friends, is the tool of Alanon.

If you are new to this blog, you should read some of my earlier entries such as "Do I love an addict? " part 1 and part 2, and "When I first learned I loved an addict"- as well as many of the other entries that you can pick and choose.

The Steps to Sanity- Part 1- Growth from Codependency and Second Hand Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 02:11:00 +0000

I am going to write today about a job I worked at. For me this job was a stepping stone that brought in money as I transitioned toward speaking and broadcasting. Little did I know when I took this job that I was trotting headfirst into the most dysfunctional situation I had ever encountered. In true codependent fashion, I did not have to seek out insanity. It found me through some magnetic attraction that had been programmed into my hard drive long before I knew what a hard-drive was.

At the time that I took it,this job was a quick money idea. It was easy money in the pocket, without a lot of stress, or so I thought. I began this job and quickly realized that I was in the employment version of "The Elephant in The Living Room." Here was an elephant that was unmatched by any that I had seen or encountered in my life and travels. And the elephant was embodied in the owner of the restaurant.

In the first day I learned that smiling was frowned on, laughing was a cardinal sin, and talking to the customers was just downright dangerous. On day 2 I learned that you could be screamed at, and your job threatened, for talking to the cook. On day 3 I learned that everything I had ever known about being pleasant to a customer should be thrown out in favor of a stoic, business-like face, and brisk manner. (And this in a deli.) 'No happiness allowed here'- was the clear motto of my new money-making home, where 11 hour shifts with no break were the norm and you needed to fight for the right to take a morsel of food during that 11 hours.

Interestingly, people had worked there for many years. The money in theory was quite good (Unless you were being punished or run through the mill as a newbie) and so the staff had a high tolerance for the intolerable. Though his human development skills were quite lacking, the boss seemed to have a good head for business and he made a lot of money.

For me I saw that sometimes God gives you just what you need so you can see how far you've come. I am clear that 15 years previous I would have quit that job on day 1, already- completely cow-towed and repressed and downright afraid of that man. 7 years before I would have been unable to hold a civil tongue around him. I would have been fighting for my and everyone else's rights. And of course, I would have been fired.

Instead I went to the job with a feeling of freedom. It was my path to financial security. I was not afraid. I did not feel repressed. I did it 'his way' as best I could, and that in itself was huge growth for me. In addition I was myself, as best I could be. I cannot quite explain this shift in me except to say I had finally come to a point where this man's best nastiness could not affect my sense of self, my good feelings, or my happiness.

Now obviously this is not the kind of job that it is healthy to stay in for long. And I didn't. But in the short time that I was there I got to see how far I had come. I held a mirror to myself on where I had come from and where I now was. And i subsequent posts I will share with you the major steps I took in being able to deal with the craziness of others, and what those steps did for me. Those steps are Alanon, Coda, Overeaters Anonymous, therapy and Landmark Education, or The Landmark Forum (See side links.) You can check out previous posts on family dysfunction to see how codependency/addiction show up in the same kind of crazy way, and you will see that a lot of families may be said to be dysfunctional- but none so much as the addicted family .

If you are new to this blog, you also should read some of my earlier entries such as "Do I love an addict? " part 1 and part 2, and "When I first learned I loved an addict"- as well as many of the other entries that you can pick and choose.

Tough Love- Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (sirensong) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 02:44:00 +0000

So we were talking about tough love and setting a bottom line- especially where it pertains to codependency and addiction.

A bottom line is where you say "if x continues or happens, then y will happen.' So how it looks with an addict might be, 'If you get up with a hangover again, then I will not lie to your boss that you are sick.' It may also look like 'if you do not check yourself into a rehab facility by Tuesday, then you need to move out of the house.' Or it could look like 'If you do not move out by the end of the month, then I will put your clothes on the porch and change all of the locks.'

There are a myriad of ways that bottom lines can look. But in the final analysis they all need to have one thing in common. That you will see them through, and not back down. It is much worse to set a bottom line that you will not enforce, than it is to set no line at all. This is because the alcoholic or addict already knows you to be someone he or she can maneuver around. And every time you cave, you simply reinforce the bad behavior that will go unchallenged.

Now here again with bottom lines I remember that I started off small. I did not start by telling him to quit or threatening to leave. I had a lot of good advice from experts, so I knew the scoop. I needed to show Dave that I would uphold whatever I said. So I picked an easy bottom line- a baby-step if you will. I said, 'If you don't stop drinking in the house, then I will no longer wash your clothes.'

It sounds stupid, doesn't it? But you know what- I could keep my word in that, so for me it was a good start. After a while Dave got sick of having to do his own clothes, so he stopped drinking around me. Later I shifted to 'if you order a beer when we are out to eat, I will leave the restaurant.' And it was a big day the first time I walked out of a restaurant. Soon he stopped ordering drinks out with me.

And so my bottom lines got bigger and bigger until one day, 5 years later I had a lawyer and we were in divorce court.

So bottom lines are one thing that we do when we practice 'tough love.' Another thing that we do is we just say no. Finally after the 100th call from a loved one and he is drunk, with no place to live and nowhere to go, we might just say 'No, you can't come here.' And when we hang up the phone, we might cry. But still we do it.

Why?

Because we know for most addicted people that the only time they will finally get help is when they are at rock bottom and know they have no other choice. Now my ex husband lost his jobs, and kept drinking. He lost his home, and kept drinking. He lost his wife and kept drinking. He lost his children, and kept drinking. He nearly lost his life, and still kept drinking. He still drinks because there is always a bed at his mom's house.

I don't say she is wrong. It is the hardest thing to practice tough love on your child. Sometimes you win and they go get help and turn their lives around. Sometimes you lose and they die in the streets- as happened to a friend of mine. But tough love is often the only chance an addict has. You either take the chance, or watch the slow death of your loved one. as he also kills off everyone around him.

A week and a half ago I was called back from my father's death in Massachusetts because Dave was drinking again. He would not give the kids to anyone else. He threatened to take them into the woods where no-one would find them. I will never forget the experience of coming back on the Amtrak train, borrowing a cell phone because my charge was gone, and calling the police with it.

Unfortunately, law enforcement has a long way to go when it comes to children and addicted parents. Without a court order, it is perfectly ok for someone to be flat out and dead drunk and take care of children. As long as he is in his own house when he does it. Still I called, and out of what I said they went over to talk to him.

I've come a long way since the days of locking myself in the bathroom to escape my ex- husband's alcoholic tirades. And I can't say that he was happy with the change. But I certainly was.