Secret Blog

Life is booming and fading...

2014-05-15T21:56:00.001+01:00

Hello everybody.

It's nice to see you again. How have you been?

From my part, I'm amazing, living a life and enjoying every moment of it. I found a job, now I'm working full time, I have my own money and I'm saving a lot. I'm still in a relationship with N. My life is booming while my mothers is slowly fading. She has a severe cancer on her lungs. Her condition is really serious.

When it comes to my moving out of country, it happens that I will get the opportunity to do that soon. In a couple of weeks, if I get a job offer which will make me to move out of country. The offer is amazing, but I still have four major reasons why not to go.

1. My mother

2. N. and our relationship

3. People and life in my original country.

4. The University and finishing my education somehow

While the list for reasons why should I go is way bigger and more interesting.

I need to rethink it really hard and make a decision. When I get the offer, I have like 4 months to rethink it and to give them an answer. I think that this will be the hardest decision I ever made.

Even though it seems like I'm 100% sure I got the offer, the truth is I didn't, but I got an impression that they really liked me and that they will offer me a job. We'll see.

That is all for today. Welcome back to my blog!

Photo of the Day: Reading

2013-01-29T00:01:00.000+00:00

I won't write about anything special, I will just try to start a group of posts called "Photo of the Day".

This is today's photo. I feel a lack of inspiration to write something interesting so I want to bring closer to you a part of my life, through pictures. Hope you'll enjoy.

The picture represents my boredom when I decided to make a break from studying for today. I'm reading a book by a Hungarian author about happenings in 18th century. I'm lately kinda obsessed with the writer.

That's all for today, enjoy and thanks for reading.

What happened with my studies?

2013-01-22T02:35:00.001+00:00

To be honest, I decided my study field very hasty. When I was at the end of my high school, I was lost and I didn’t know what I will do with my life. Then I thought about computers, because I’ve always loved them and I always wanted to do something with my websites I had back then (the blog is one of them ), and I was very interested in programming in my senior year. But… to apply for any department that has computer science as a program, you need to take an exam with mathematics in it. I hated mathematics, and I still do, so I left that aside. It left an unbearable pain in my heart, because I still love computers and I learned a lot on my own, but I’m not that professional and official as I would have been if I had enrolled for some computer science program. The time was running short, and I thought - ‘oh, what the heck, I will go with my second love – literature… And why not learn some new language in the process?’ Simply, there wasn’t time to prepare mathematic exam, even if I wanted to. I was under constant pressure I just wanted to get over with that. So I applied for the department of languages. Right now I think that it was hasty decision, but not the completely wrong one, or I could pick some better language, or easier. I still like reading, learning about new cultures and languages, but the motivation and courage for my major just wore off with years.

I heard lots of bad rumors about my major, and the professors and staff before I applied, but I didn’t pay too much attention. I was like ‘It’s only angry students mambo-jumbo.’ The enrolling exam and everything seemed just so easy, and it was, I was the second on the final list. And I got scholarship.

I wanted to quit and to leave the place at the end of my first year, because everything I wanted to learn about this language I learned in the first year, but again, I didn’t think everything thoroughly. I just went with the feeling of being outcast because all of my friends would have some higher education and if I had quit and applied for something new I would have gone with people who are younger than me.

The second year started and all the crap with Mike had begun. I started failing exams. I don’t say that it’s only Mike’s fault, but he made me think more about problem with him than about study, and I even was relieved to have to think about something else than to study.

I kinda managed to pass that year and to get a scholarship for the next one, but I left behind a lot of lessons, and I simply couldn’t catch up with my colleagues. And now I feel like a horse which is left behind, tired, humiliated, crushed and without motivation. I feel bad because I don’t feel bad for not studying. I’m simply going with the flow. I passed third year somehow, with taking lots of subjects which don’t have to do anything with my major, so I kinda made myself a ‘linguist’. It is funny how I passed all that exams so easy and I have the motivation to learn them, while my major is so hard. But in the end, everything which isn’t obligatory seems appealing.

Thinking about this problem takes me a lot of time, and usually I feel so busy, even though I am not. I just feel that unbearable weight on my shoulders all the time. I want to go home, just to sit there and to treat my conscience, to do anything else, just not to study. And even though I try to study, I don’t know what to study and now we came to the second problem – the professors.

Some of them can be really cruel and mean. Yeah, yeah, I know, usually everyone is blaming the professors for their laziness. I don’t say I’m not lazy, but I’m not the only one when it comes to this problem. The same thing I went through happened to about 15 of my colleagues who are identically in the same position as I am, and we can’t pass one stupid exam, because it has like three parts (dictation, grammatical test, oral exam) and if you fail one (you get to the minimum of the points) you fail all three. If you don’t pass that one then you have no right to listen to the following one. It’s so harsh and lots of people are quitting and trying to catch up for years (usually two or three). Because of the others, I kinda feel also relieved; it’s like saying that I’m not alone. But we usually complain a lot instead of studying.

I simply can’t explain the level of meanness in some of the professors. They simply act cruel, so you can’t pass exam if he doesn’t feel okay that day or something, I don’t even know. They’re reading the dictation too fast or they give the hard test or something third. And then I realized that you need to devote your whole life to that fucking profession to pass the exam, so that major language becomes your life. Being the many-sided person, it’s so hard for me to only focus on one thing. Being demotivated to learn that language doesn’t help, too.

When I talk to some other students who passed the exam (we used to hang around a lot in first years, because I was one of the best, being motivated and stuff), we don’t have to talk about anything but the major language. It’s like their brains are washed up and they simply do only that. I don’t want to become like that. I don’t even feel the urge to learn the language, because everything I wanted to know – I learned, and I kinda feel that I experienced everything I wanted. I’m done with it.

Also, it’s so sad for me too, because after learning the language for three years straight, I still feel and I know that I know English waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too better than the major language, even though I had only two years of classes in English. And the awkward thing is that I passed all the exams for literature for the second and for the third year, and I can’t pass stupid grammatical test, even though we are learning the literature and reading in the same language. Also, I feel more interested in learning English than this crappy language, but now I’m stuck on the senior year and I will probably need to extend my studies for two more years, or in best case scenario, for year and a half, which is still very long. So, at the end, I’m at the beginning, I’m going with people who are two years younger than me, and I feel demotivated like I hit the almost bottom. But in the end, I’m still hoping that I will get some motivation and try to learn on purpose, no matter how hard it is and no matter how I don’t want to do it. We’ll see.

In this exam period, which will be ending on 24th of January, I passed three exams (one for sure, and for two I’m not yet sure) and I failed three, including the hard one which I’m hauled for two years. 1/6, maybe 3/6, I’ll found out at the end of this week.

All in all – I know what I need to do. I need to study, somehow. But I can’t, and now we are coming back at the beginning. I’m constantly rolling over and over the same thing and I simply can’t find a way forward. I feel that I will be an outcast more than ever, I won’t have higher education and I will be forced to drop the University, because I won’t be able to pay for the studies (after the senior and the extended year, I won’t have the right for the scholarship any more). Sorry for sounding so pathetic, I just feel bad. And this post made me think again about the subject even though I kinda decided that I will study. And that thought holds me no more than a day.

Thanks for reading,

Joy and Strawberries

2013-01-16T20:52:00.000+00:00

Recently, I've been investigating a YouTube partnership program and I noticed that a lot of people are blogging, video-blogging to be precise, and they are making money out of it. The key is to have an original content to attract visitor and Google Ads will do the rest. And the best of all them is Ray William Johnson. He holds an YouTube channel called "Equals three" and has an online business where he reviews viral videos. It's interesting and his jokes are funny, when you understand his humor, and until a while, he was the most subscribed person on YouTube. I love him. I will try to talk more about him in the future, he was involved in some feud with his former studio.

Basically, I started doing all this digging because as a big The Amazing Race (TAR) fan I found out that two v-bloggers will be in upcoming season of TAR, Joey Graceffa and Strawberry17, or Meghan something-something (she's soooo sweet and cute). I can’t wait to see if they will blog during TAR broadcasting, so maybe I’ll have to find a little more about TAR and to see it from some other perspective. Dunno is that allowed by the rules of TAR, I know they are really strict when it comes to privacy and to revealing all the details about the race, before it ends, so we’ll see. Also, they are kinda my favorite team, even though the show hasn't started yet. Can't wait for the February 17th.

I will try to review all TAR episodes on my blog too, cause I love the show. I love it because it allows me to see some parts of the world I am not able to see by myself. It's interesting, it's different from the rest of TV Shows, especially reality TV Shows, it's full of action, and unique in it's own way. They respect all kind of diversities and they promote all kinds of cultural and people development throughout the whole world.

All in all, nothing much happening in my life, I’m in the exam period and to be honest, I have a huge problem with studying. I have like 15 exams till I’m finished with University, but it will take me forever to finish them, so I will probably take one or two more year of my life and go onto this University. I've never mentioned, but for you who don’t know, I’m studying languages. English is not my major, but maybe it should've been, because I don’t have the nerves for my major anymore, and no, for those who are wondering, I can’t change it. I need to stick up with it until the very end of the studies.

My nose is doing fine, it will be almost three weeks since surgery and I can almost feel it completely. I still need to wait couple more weeks so I can touch it, blow it or even picking it but everything will be okay. I can breathe normally, not fully, because the mucous of the nose is still very swollen. When it comes to shape of the nose, I'm more than satisfied, it's straighter, looks natural and people who don't see me that often don't even notice something is wrong, which is good, I guess.

That’s all, sorry for being so random, I’m just trying to hold the post-a-week rule. I also noticed that I have a lot of pressure when it comes to posting to the blog. And because of that I usually write a bunch of crap, and not something worth reading, so I will try to come up with the list of the topics which can be really interesting to you, and to discuss them, share the opinions and stuff. I even thought about making my own vblog, to become more interactive or something.

Also, I will try not to hold so much onto gay subjects, it feels kinda boring to write only about the same subject over and over and over, there will be gay subjects also, but I will try to focus on some other topics, too. To make a blog interesting not only for gay people, but for everybody, and to promote the equality on some different level.

Thanks for reading, take care.

Stay tuned... 2013 is coming

2012-12-31T19:40:00.000+00:00

Hey everybody. :)

How are you? I’m bit in pain because I had my nose done. I had some problem with breathing (and yes, with snoring :P) and I finally, after three years of making myself do it, I went to hospital one day few months ago, got examined and I finished with having a surgery on Friday, the 28th of December.

I feel amazing and relaxed, I still can’t breathe through my nose, but I will take the bandages off on Thursday and I can’t wait to see how everything went. No pain, no gain, right?

Let's review the year 2012 and the past few months...

I’ve been to Berlin and couple more cities in Germany during November, through the period of two weeks. I had A M A Z I N G time and it still feels like a dream, because everything happened so fast and I learned a lot of things in short period of time, about Germany in general. I have a lot of opportunities to continue my studies there and I will probably try with that, but I need to learn the language first. I met a lot of interesting people on the trip. Everybody was more than average students, very ambitious and it was really nice to learn that the society here isn’t that narrow-minded as I thought it is. It was nice experience and really the unique one.

We all lived through the Dooms Day, or the Mayan Day, or call it whatever. I didn’t even believe in that crap, but it was interesting watching the people’s reaction to it. Because today is last day of the (in)famous 2012, I only have one resolution when it comes to this blog and that is:

1. to write one post a week

There’s a little left until the end of the current year so I would love to say a few things.

All in all, I had a really nice year, it was really interesting, wonderful, useful and informative, I think I learned a lot about me, I matured, I met an amazing guy :), who I love a lot. I traveled. I visited Budapest one more time :), I visited Berlin. I was studying, reading, writing, listening to the music, watching movies, enjoying friends, meeting new friend. I was trying to make the peace with my family. I got more independent. I had my first job experience.

I was happy and smiled throughout the most part of the 2012 and I can’t ask for more. I hope that the 2013 will be better and that I will mature more, face some new challenges and to simply live the life as I should be living it – free and on my own. :)

Thanks for reading, see you next year. Take care. Happy New Year!
B

Budapest - part 2012

2012-10-30T20:59:00.002+00:00

Hey.

I successfully applied for scholarship and I got one. I'm now senior year and I started my classes two weeks ago and I was very busy past few months, like crazy-busy.

I'm still with N. and I'm very happy :), we even said "I love you" part. I'm spending like 4 out of 7 days a week at his place and I can't explain in simple words how I feel...

He's amazing, comforting, smart, adoring, super hot and so on. I got totally used to him and after almost 9 months of beautiful relationship I can say that we are really close now and true couple. I will try to talk more about him later. (just for the record, I'm typing this from his computer while he's taking a shower... I'm spending night here cause the train to Budapest is tomorrow early early in the morning. He even kinda said 'hi' to "my readers" even though I didn't gave him a link for the blog, but he knows and respects my privacy. I told you he's amazing.)

Budapest...

I'm going to Budapest again with some friends from college, George (I think I mentioned him before), his ex boyfriend and a bunch of other people, who are going to be in Budapest for some major European event, so we will attend some conferences and stuff. We'll be in a hostel all together, all of my close friends and I literally can't wait. I was so stressed with exams and process of applying for scholarship so I need a few days off. I will stay there till Sunday. But this time I plan to visit some of gay clubs, cause I didn't have chance to go there last time I was in Budapest. Now I have amazing company so nothing is stopping me. We even plan to visit a drag queens' night and George got some invitations already for party which will be tomorrow.

Also, the other news is that I got another scholarship and I will be visiting Berlin and Germany from 16th of November til 1st of December. I will be one week in Berlin and later we'll be in some city next to Münich. I will tell you more about it. I can't wait. I didn't go anywhere during summer, but winter will be very amazing when it comes to traveling. And Berlin! OMG, I heard a lot of stories about that city, and my hotel is kinda in some gay neighborhood.

That's all for now. See ya after Budapest with new stuff. And I want to say a few words about last post... No, I won't delete any of my previous posts, I will just leave them, but even I realize that I've changed a lot.

Okay, I need to recheck a few things before I go to the trip in less than 8 hours. See ya

My crappy writing

2012-09-13T18:58:00.000+01:00

Rereading my blog, I noticed that I repeat myself constantly and that I don't think too much when I write; I just write. Which is wrong. I'm not a good writer and some posts sound so fucking pathetic.

Since this moment, I will try to improve my writing and to become more dedicated to writing than ever.

I even thought about deleting all the previous posts and start over, but I will lose precious past records, so I will just start new ones and pay less attention to my stupid old nonsense posts before.

That's all. Nothing special in my life, I'm still stuck with exams, so I didn't have time to live properly, and I will update later. I'm chasing scholarship and I will be probably getting back to Budapest and maybe visiting Berlin for the first time in some future period. But I will tell you more about it when I know something more for sure.

Thanks for reading and for putting up with me all this time.
B.

Smiling All The Way and Bloggers Friendship

2012-04-29T18:44:00.000+01:00

I’ve finally opened the Twitter account for this blog, or for my alter ego online, and I decided to invest more in this blog, as you have noticed (I hope) I bought a domain name.

Exams are over, my relationship with N. is making me smile a lot :D, I enjoy every moment of it and we started great. We are together for three months and counting, and I’m falling for him really hard!

Yesterday we were at a party and we see each other almost every day. He’s sometimes really busy, cause he works on his job. I noticed that I really started carrying a lot for him. He’s amazing person, so smart, intelligent, interesting, beautiful, cute, funny, well-built, so stable, and so mature, well he’s 28, and what did you expect. He’s that kind of person who shows his affection with “deeds” and not “words” and I like that a lot on him. I like him just the way he is. He’s so sincere, so carrying and loyal. Wow! I’m bit scared to write about him, cause I don’t want to put a jinx on him :P I’m kidding a bit, but as so far, he’s so adorable. And he's the person who makes me have a smile on my face for no reason.

As for my plan for the future, because the semester will be over soon, I plan to travel… First to Budapest (again) and then to Istanbul, to see the heart of Orient and to maybe visit some friends from Istanbul who I already mentioned in this blog. And I’m probably going on these trips with N.

But the most of all, I hope to see Sam in Istanbul. Remember Sam? Confused… Yet honest. He was a blogger (he stopped blogging over a year ago) and we stayed in touch online. We started being online friends and I’m really glad I met him. I know him over 3 years or something like that and we never saw each other in person, only over Skype and Facebook. And now, he’s coming in Istanbul with his boyfriend on his trip from USA, and me and N. will probably go there to meet up with them. I feel so excited, cause I really care for him a lot and it’s strange and weird feeling, cause this is the first time I experience this kind of meeting, online friendship, and we’ve become really really close. I imagine how our meeting will look alike and even though I know him really well, it will be weird, in a good way. I sense that it will be a very amazing experience, I can’t wait.

That was just a small update.

Thanks for reading,
B.

Sexual Attraction

2012-04-25T18:30:00.001+01:00

Recently I’ve stumbled upon a great website for writing and I was checking the forums and topics and found one interesting and very popular at the time.

It was about sexual attractions and it was asked by an asexual person, who doesn't feel sexual attraction and because it’s really common thing, she/he wants to write about it and wanted to hear opinions of how it’s like to be sexually attracted to someone.

Than the topic made me think about how easy we put aside some stuff which is happening around us. Like for that guy/girl, we think that sexual desire is common thing and believe me, it was a great challenge to write how you feel and express your personal experience of the feeling.

As for me, as an emotional person, I think that sexual desire is much more than just pleasing yourself and making your needs fulfilled. Sometimes I caught myself enjoying a lot more when I realize I make my partner enjoy and when I hear his sighing next to my ear. It’s not just “taking a bite of a delicious fruit” and putting it aside like some object when you taste it. It’s a mutual feeling. Sometimes when you feel attracted to someone and when he answers your moves or your looks, it makes you feel really good, feel wanted, feel great. Also, playing intellectual seducing games also counts a lot, at least for me. Everyone has his own perception of feeling excited and aroused, as for anything else in life which we feel.

Sometimes the sexual desire makes us do crazy and things we thought we would never do. It makes us question who we really are and why do we feel this way toward someone.

What do you think about the topic? How would you describe your sexual attraction feeling? Can someone realize what is sexual desire if he or she never experienced nor felt it?

As for asexuality, through my life I think I met a few asexual persons, and I'm very interested in their personality and how they think and behave. Sometimes I think they are calm and "without worries" but sometimes I think they miss a lot in their life. But as long as they are happy and enjoys other stuff more, I'm happy for them too :)

Thanks for reading. Can't wait to hear your thought on the subject...

Spring (Butterfly) Time

2012-03-22T10:19:00.001+00:00

New Year passed... January passed... February passed... Winter passed... My birthday passed (I'm 22 now)... Spring came... Butterflies came... :)

How are you all? I've missed you and I hate apologizing over and over again when I disappear and when I appear again, so I won't do that.

I'm right now in an office where I "work" (volunteer to be precise). It's an office for international cooperation, mobilities and scholarships/exchange for students, well, actually the office is not strictly for that, I just work in that area. It's really fun to work here and I feel important when I sit in a chair in my separate office, drinking tea (I don't like coffee) and typing, talking with students and making jokes with my office colleagues.

Beside this "work" I do another real work where I earn money, not much, but for a student it's okay to have his own separate money and to enjoy life more. I designed and I'm managing a site for a travel agency and I earn 150€ monthly. Later, the boss even proposed me to start working on holidays, to guide tours and stuff like that, which I would really like, cause I will have a chance to travel and to practice languages more.

Nothing much in my life. Mom is okay, she finished with treating the cancer recently and she was through 30 procedures with radiation and she's still at home, relaxing and waiting for control in a few weeks. But I hope that everything is/will be fine. She feels fine and looks better.

I found a new boyfriend, in a gay club, one and a half month ago. His name will be N. and I feel okay and satisfied when I'm with him. I'm really glad I met him and I like him more from day to day. The previous weekend we spent the whole weekend together in an apartment. He's 28 years old and he works in a political party, which is an awkward thing in our relationship, cause I don't like politics that much. :)

That's all from me for now. I will try to write more soon, cause I have a lot on my mind to share with you. I missed blogging.

Thanks for reading,

My mom is in a hospital...

2011-12-08T18:05:00.001+00:00

My mom is in a hospital, she has a cancer, or at least a canceroid tissue in her mouth and now the doctors are examining her to see is the cancer harmful or can they remove it.

This made me realise that it's very easy to lose someone you love and that we are really fragile. I never thought about this and what I would do when my parents die. We usually don't think about that usual thing, which happens to all of us, but when something like this happens, you simply don't know what to think. I always acted like they will be here forever, but we all know that's impossible :-(

Even though I don't have great relationship with my parents due to my coming out last year, I'm very very attached to my mom and I don't know how would I handle if something happenes to her.

Also, I didn't talk much with them the past year, but as soon as I found out about this, I started to change my mood toward them, especially mom :-(

She is okay with me being gay and I even told her a small part of my relationship with U. But simply I felt very bad toward them when they didn't accept me as a homosexual man, and only after a long time mom showed some progress toward accepting me. And because of this, I kinda started to be away from them. I felt and I still feel hurt and unwanted and I don't have a desire to share any information with them, which is so sad. We look like strangers, we became strangers, we are strangers :-(

I can't write anymore, I don't know what to write and I don't know what to think and what to do. We need to wait to see the results of the examination. I hope that everything will be okay.

Thanks for reading,
B.

Coming out to my friends and first visit(s) to gay club

2011-11-29T05:28:00.001+00:00

I think it's about time I finish this post which I talked a lot in my breakdown post.

Long title, and I think it will be long post...

On October 1st we were going out regularly in some random club on the river, me and my friends from neighbourhood (David, Lucy, Ben, Isaac, Johnny), and also there were a lot of other friend from my University. Cathrin, now David's girlfriend (and my good friend from University, my department) and Joanna, Cathrin's best friend, our great friend (also from my department), too... And during this summer and past year I came out to all of them... And I need to mention one more person - George... I don't know why I never mention all of them, I was busy by catching up to my stories from Budapest and to the story about Mike and Chris and I neglected my close friends, even though Chris became one of my dearest and closest friends, and that's another story... Which I will tell in the future, hopefully.

So, George is a guy I met through a website, the dating site and I met him after breakup with Mike, and I tried to find out someone new, so I rushed into new relationships so fast... I thought that the pain will go away and I had two 'relationships' which aren't that important for me, nothing serious happened beside kiss, I just realised that I have Mike in my head and I broke up with both guys very soon, after two or three days. The third wanna-be-relationship was George, but as soon as I met him in person I realised I'm starting to be with a guy, then a guy and a guy and I stopped, we were just walking around and when I left, I clearly told him that I'm still not over my ex and that I don't want anything from him. That happened somewhere around November of 2010. And nothing happened between us...

But, accidentally, me and George stayed in touch over Windows Live Messenger and Facebook and we chatted a lot and started to become close. Later, we realised that George and David are going at the same University and at the same department. I'll make it short now. After two months of online friendship I invited him to some party with all my friends, including David, who knew about me and he met George. And they became quite nice friends. And later George became a part of my closest circle of friends, friends from neighbourhood and later we started coming out to all of them, slowly. Now we are all one big group of friends.

First, I told David and Lucy, you know that story, then I came out to Ben, it was on Lucy's birthday, then I told Johnny like three or four months ago and finally it came to Isaac, I told him like one week after Johnny and all of them was okay in the beginning, but Isaac and Johnny still need to relax a bit and I told you already that Isaac is really hard person and that you need to be slow with him. He was mad that he was last to know and he was mad at all of us because we kept such a huge secret from him. I explained to him that THIS is a BIG deal in our country and that it wasn't EASY to me to accept myself either, and later to COME OUT to others. It's even SAD because I need to do that, but the circumstances are like that, so I MUST wait for the perfect moment. And that it was MINE to choose when to tell him, so he don't have the right to get mad on other people. And I know he is immature and very narrow minded person, but you can't explain easy to a very stubborn person that he's like that, because he'll get mad. And even though he KNOWS he's wrong and even though he KNOWS we are right in some views (I'm generally speaking) he won't admit that, and he will stick to his opinion until it happens that he accidentally, all by himself, realise something which was obvious long time ago. What I wrote here are very strong words, but they are true.

Okay, now, let's get back to the gay club going out.

First time it happened between 1st and 2nd October (and the Pride Day was planned for the 2nd of October) when we were regularly going out at some random club and around 2 AM George, Lucy and me went to the gay club. The most popular one was closed (because the Gay Pride was planned for tomorrow so they needed to be careful), but the second one (with some bad rumors about it) was open. We entered and it was weird, different and strange with a lot of dirty dancing and stuff going around. To be honest I didn't like it one bit, and we stayed inside for about 2 hours max. And one guy hit on me, he was 29 years old and we even went at one date after the club, he was okay guy, but was too older and bit strange. I wanted to give him a chance to see how we will get along, but after that date, I haven't heard nothing from him. It is bit weird, I don't know, but to be honest, I didn't like him that much to consider a relationship or anything else with him...

Also, after that night, we decided to go out to another gay club in the city, that first one which was closed, which was my idea, because I heard a nice stories about that place and U. told me lot of nice compliments about that place. We (George and I) went there on 7th of October and I drank a lot, because I got scared. David, Lucy, Lucy's girl friend (she's bisexual), David's girlfriend (Cathrin, my colleague from University), Joanna, and their friend were our company.

When I entered the club I was amazed by the interior of the club, and before that by the location of the club, and it seemed wonderful. It was nice party, to be honest, but I was scared with everyone knowing I'm gay so I danced a lot with two girls and I almost got hooked-up with them. Also, everyone was staring at you and I didn't like that. Later, I realized everyone knows everyone and we were 'new' and it was awkward because everyone was staring at us, because we were 'new fags' in town. Or at least I thought about the situation like that. I told you I was scared and I didn't like everybody knowing about me, but later I got used to that feeling and it started to be a nice feeling, because no matter how good, bad or devious people are, at least I'm in my "sort". People (no matter gay, st8 or something else) will always talk behind your back and you can't do anything about that. This is bit more dangerous because being gay is not okay here, so if the word spreads, you can be in a danger, but if you don't take a risk, you won't gain anything, so I didn't care about that feeling that much after some time. I'm proud of myself and I will stand for myself if something happens.

After that okayish first experience, we went one more time there, it was all of a sudden, and it was better than the first and second time, but the third time was amazing! It was huge party with about 300-400 participants, and I wrote a post before going there. That night I met U. (I knew that he will come, because he loves Lady Gaga) and I talked with him for some short time, I was also bit drunk, but not like the first time, and we were okay, I introduced him to George and Joanna and he met me with a friend of his and showed me others, who I knew from the story while we were together. I was really glad that I saw him and to see he is okay. Then I continued to go around the club and I met the most unexpected person there - it was V.

Remember him? A guy who is "kinda" my first boyfriend, small relationship of two weeks I had when I started coming out to the world. It was nice meeting him, we talked, and I also was glad because I saw him. After that I met my neighbour, a kid (okay, for me he's a kid), and a girl who also lives in my neighbourhood, and she works there as a waiter, but I already met her the first night, so it wasn't a surprise. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I met a second year colleague of my department the first night I went to the club, he always was obviously gay (style, behavior etc.) and we never spoke before that night, and after finding out about each other (officially) we became good friends, and we even have some classes together, so slowly, more and more people at my department knows about me, but I don't care. I told Cathrin, Joanna and one another girl (that was an accident), then this colleague find out when he saw me in the club, now his friend, who is also nice, knows... And so on, I won't bore you with this, I just wanted to mention him, because he's now a part of my life, a new gay friend :)

As the night progressed, I ended up with V. on the dance floor, and we kissed after some dancing (again), (btw that was my first time that I danced with a guy in some club or whatever), and now I was the initiator. I don't know was it alcohol, or the wish to forget U. while he was there, or desire to just kiss with someone, or not to be alone, but it was nice and okay experience. Later he asked me if I want to go to his place, and cleverly I accepted.

Nothing serious happened, to be honest I went with him because he proposed like (I quote) "We don't need to do anything if you don't want to, but it's nice to have someone close to you, so you don't sleep alone" and I wanted to see his intentions, to see how much I really knew him and how much did he change and how much will I resist the temptation. I realised that I won't do anything with him shortly after going from club, it was just kissing and a bj, and V. literally begged me to have sex, and I refused, because it didn't fell right, and he was very persistent, and I didn't like that, too. He was so turned on, and desperate so he after telling me to be a bottom (playing the role of a macho-man), said that he'll be a bottom, because he desperately was looking for sex. And later he'll do me, so it will be "equal".

It was weird, I wasn't really "okay" with the proposal and I clearly said "no", which clearly pissed him off (because all that smooth talk was to make me go to bed and I knew that) and I saw his intentions right away but I wanted to see how far will he go, and I stayed to my principals (even though I was way too drunk after) and clearly said "No!". He just jerked off, cleaned himself up, turned away to other side and try to fall asleep... Later he turned back, hugged me and we fall asleep together. In some awkward way, it was cute and sweet :)

When we woke up, around 8 AM, I just went outside, we kissed each other on the door lightly and even though he said that he would like to stay in contact with me after that night (we lost touch a long time ago, he changed the number, I deleted him from FB and so on), he didn't even send a message or anything, and I didn't hear from him since. And to be honest, I don't want to.

And I was glad because I was a tough bitch and I stayed to my principals and didn't let him use me, because I would have felt used after that night if something had happened. I returned home with grin on my face... And I realized V. is not a guy for me and I'm glad nothing beside that from above happened between us. It was something like karma, because of our past and him leaving a wound on my heart (okay, this sounded sooo pathethic :P) I didn't like him one bit, he showed me his real face, but I was glad to see he's okay.

Thanks for reading...
Yours,
B. ;)

Breakdown

2011-11-18T03:22:00.001+00:00

I feel down, I don't know why, I just feel down. I didn't finish my post about going to the gay club because I'm very lazy and irresponsible person and I always say that I will leave it for another day and then another day and another day and I never finished it even though it's almost finished, I just wanted to put some pictures and I'm perfectionist, and I tend my posts to be perfect, which I shouldn't do, well at least not that much...

I almost went to U.'s city tomorrow, I had plan to go on with his proposal to be "friends with benefits" and I disgust myself, how should I think about that.

I was convincing myself that I didn't have feelings for him and that it was only 2 months of crush, and that it wasn't nothing special, but I shoulda know myself better than that, I get really attached to people, and I start liking people a lot, which is a huge problem, and it lasted like month and something of "cool-stone-like" period toward U. to figure out that I cared about him more than I knew.

And now I sound pathetic, but I'm trying to put my feelings onto this paper and I'm having a minor breakdown as you can see, and sorry about grammar and spellings, I don't have nerve to check them once again, I just want to write and write and write and to feel better.

I won't go to U.'s city, because he threaded me like an idiot and a small-boy, which I usually am. I'm not like that, to have meaningless sex. I started to disgust gay world and I started to disgust and feel very disappointed in everything...

Even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people I love and adore, I still feel lonely, and that feeling is lasting and lasting, over a huge period of time. I hope for something which will never come, because everyone is too busy with their lives and with everything, and ... omg, I don't know what I'm writing... I'm just going to fall asleep and go tomorrow to my crappy university, which I won't finish because the education is so fucked up in this shit-hole of a country.

Good night and thanks for reading and sorry because I'm sounding so retarded...

Third time in gay club

2011-10-29T19:49:00.000+01:00

Just a small update, I'm going to a gay club in couple of hours. The full post about first two times will come soon. Tonight is a Lady GaGa night and it will be a lot of people. Cant wait. Love ya all.

Where the Hell is Matt in my city

2011-10-20T00:04:00.003+01:00

He's arriving soon :)))), I can't fucking wait... About 1000 people already said "attending" on FB... I will try to be in front row, I love this man... He's a legend :)

Back to University

2011-10-16T20:18:00.001+01:00

Past week was my return to University, classes have started and I feel okay, and I succeed to apply for third year without major problems, even though I'm a lot behind my classmates. And I enjoyed a lot during classes, because I didn't think about anything else. And also, I'm happy because New Year's Eve is coming soon, and me and my friends are planning to go to Amsterdam, maybe. We are still searching for accommodation and for transport. And that is also keeping me busy. Can't wait... :)

I won't speak a lot about U. and about after holiday time, because as I said before I was disappointed, because I didn't expect that U. will be the way he turn out to be. He was not ready for longish-distance relationship, and we were separated only by 2 hours drive with the train, one hour by bus. And later he even proposed me to be 'friends with benefits'.

I just want to share one more stuff with the people from this blog. It's a good part of our relationship and really nice memory. A picture U. sent me while he was on Corfu and I was back. It was so romantic picture which really meant a lot to me, but later it became really disturbing to watch, and I planned to share with you in some better mood than this one, but the reality is different. Enjoy! :D

Mine and U's hand during second morning we spent together. My hand is with the watch, btw ;)

Also, I forgot to mention that I visited gay club for the first time. But I will write about this in a next post, this is enough for now. I need to learn how to make my posts shorter and more interesting ;) hope you understand...

Thanks for reading.

Pride Day and break up with U.

2011-10-03T21:30:00.001+01:00

Pride day was cancelled yesterday because of security threats from hooligans and government sent a document which forbade the gathering to the organizers. But we all here know that it wasn't exactly because of hooligans, even though I think that it would be riots all around city, but I think that the government is glad because it was cancelled. I feel very sad and I don't like the comments of the minister of the police and people. But, I kinda suspected that it will be like this.

And I know, I didn't end my summer post, well, I only left part with 'after' summer but this happened so fast and I need to update immediately. Me and U. were in some kinda of long distance relationship for a month and one month of texting after holiday and he broke up few days ago and I feel very sad, because it was really beautiful relationship (at least for me), but he was not ready and I kinda am disappointed in him, because I realised he wasn't the guy I thought he is, and he didn't want to "fight" for us (our relationship), so why would I do that, when he doesn't want it. But, I will write more when my emotions calm down a bit, I don't like to talk about some recent stuff all of a sudden. I'm stressed. But all I know is that I feel hurt, a lot, but it's kinda okay and I'm getting over him faster, because it's easier than the first and second breakup, which is kinda normal...

Thanks for reading, this was a short post, just to keep a record... ;)

Bye,

Pride day in my homophobic country

2011-09-25T03:30:00.000+01:00

It's less than one week until the fourth Pride in my country. First one was a disaster with blood all around (it was held 10 years ago), I don't have information did anyone die and the pride site is down right now so I can't check the info, but I know there was a lot of blood and that a lot of people was seriously hurt. Second one (2 years ago) was canceled because of security measures and some serious threats. Third (last year) was successful, but it was really poor and very very risky and it was followed by riots and gathered like 6000 anti-gay activists (and there was like only 1000 gay people on the Pride, half of them was politicians who was there only for political purpose). Also, the whole city was blocked, violated and now, in less than one week from now, the fourth Pride is going to be held...

I'm following all the news and events which are related to the 'Pride' and I feel very sad with every comment I read or hear because I see how "my" (and I'm really ashamed right now to say that they are "mine") own people are so ignorant and so narrow minded (in my language, we use term "left behind"). Even positive and the "pros" comments aren't satisfying enough that it will really get better. It is so sad because majority of people hate something they don't even wanna find out and on their faces you can see that they don't even have a wish to just try to understand it. But that doesn't prevent them to comment it freely and openly (meaning negative) and to hate it. In one way I even understand them (fear of unknown and simply fear), but in another, I can't take it anymore and I can't understand how people can be THAT ignorant. My parents included (well, more dad than mom, I even think mom is okay right now with all that), even though they know about me more than a year. It's hating without a reason, which is the most stupidest thing ever and which is something DUMB and idiotic. They judge something they don't know NOTHING (literally) about. It's so sad. I just watched some TV talk show where they discussed Pride, and it was so sad and I felt really bad and I wished I never was born here, I feel so ashamed of my country, of my people, of everything said and done against Pride and I kinda lost hope (even though the hope dies last) that even a slightly lil bit will change. But... because I'm a helpless and unbeatable optimist... I still have a little hope left, only little...

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know and you'll see the way to fly.

RIP Jamey Rodemeyer

2011-09-25T03:14:00.003+01:00

I can't help it, I must mention Jamey Rodemeyer on my blog... I suppose you all heard that he was a 14 year old gay boy who killed himself and that he was being bullied because of his sexuality. It is a really sad and not so rare story, but this one got attention because he was blogging about his suffers and he was searching for support and for comfort and you can't blame him for that, you only must respect him. I just started crying......

Jamey, Rest in Peace...

I don't like when something like this has to happen so someone take action and notice something which is in front of them all the time. It's just so sad, and we people are so weak and so selfish. I'm deeply hurt by all this and I really hope that something will be done, because Jamey and all other people (not just gay, I mean all people) out there being bullied deserve that... I'm just thinking about (now, I'm being selfish) where would I be if I didn't 'close' myself and camouflaged myself into my homophobic society and environment and stayed 'unnoticeable'. The camouflage and 'closing' was only my way of dealing with thing, until I felt that I'm ready to confront the world, which I already started, but I'm going slowly and carefully because I'm not sure am I completely ready yet... We humans are really fragile and precious things and a small word and a simple act can really damage us hard... See what happened to Jamey... But also, the small word and the small act can also make us so happy and so full of love. We must protect each other and take care of each other, that's the key to the perfection. That's the key to the Love, not Hate.

Ricky Martin - 'Me', influence on me and a REVIEW

2011-09-22T21:00:00.000+01:00

I finished book few weeks ago and I decided to put a little review of my own here on my own blog.

I followed Ricky's career not that much, only with tabloids and stuff, but secretly, because all my 'gay interest' and 'not-normal' stuff I did secretly. I saw rumors of him being gay and news about him getting children and all that we all knew through magazines and papers. And I was admiring him secretly. And then, accidentally I went to his site and saw that he 'came out' as a homosexual man and I was surprised and happy in the same time. It was somewhere around April or May of 2010 when I found out that he came out as a happy gay man and I was glad.

Later, I found out that he published a book, somewhere around November 2010 and that is a time when my breakup happened and after seeing the cover and seeing it's a biography, all I wanted is to get that book somehow. And I did, I got some money and I bought book in August of 2011, it took me so much time, but I got it. I wanted to learn more about him and also to improve my English.

To be honest, he's not a great writer (expected), he still needs to work more on his style and some parts of the book are repeated constantly, but it's was okay reading it, easy written, simple sentences and I kinda enjoyed it. I also realize that this is his way to promote himself more, because his career started to go down-way, but no matter what I think that he helped me to improve my English and to learn something about him.

I don't know did I mention it earlier, but this blog and all my diaries and stuff I collect about my life and all my writings are some kind of resources for me writing a book one day, a book for my homophobic society and for all the other gay and st8 people out there, and the book who will hopefully open some eyes and free some minds. I got idea few years ago and I even started it, I got a first paragraph (it's a beginning) but I need to think through this idea more, because it's not a easy task. I was also planning to start writing a gay fairytales and that will be my contribution to a gay world. It's not a big deal, but I would feel very happy if I furfill this dream of mine.

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 4

2011-09-21T17:00:00.000+01:00

Because I write really really long, sorry because of that, I really don't want to miss any detail, I will make this post really quick. It's just a night part of the previous post and the end of the whole holiday-summer story. Thanks for reading and following me ;)

_____________________

We met up on the main road while I started going to the club where we met, and I saw him with his friend, the girl who fell from the table. Because I was drunk (and very hyperactive), I took them both to the club where our organization made party (it was an organization who brought us on the island and made the themed holiday with party everyday). The girl decided to stay a lil bit there, because it was full with the people from our country and me and U. went to my hotel after a while. I left my doors open and we entered the room.

Because it was four of us in a room, it was apartment with two two-bed rooms with the separate doors, we went inside through balcony and I checked on Ivan, who was in a room with David, and he was really drunk and asleep so nothing could go wrong (Ivan usually passes out around 1, 2 AM and sleeps until the next day :P). I closed the doors of his room and my doors and I started kissing U. and we were making out really really hard and it was amazing. I forgot how it feels... It felt so good to have someone to kiss, to hug, to cuddle, to feel his body next to you and below or over you, and to feel someone who is a man. We even took off our shirts (actually, I literally ripped his shirt because he had some extra fancy buttons who was unzipping easily and I 'open' it, it was very sexy moment) and I saw his perfectly shaped body (but it's not too much muscled, it's just perfect defined, perfect for me, just like I like it). After I don't know how many minutes, hours or whatever (I didn't care for anything), it was too hot for both of us in the room, we decided to go out and to walk a bit on the beach. And we were walking, I was still drunk and U. was totally sober. We sat somewhere near the sunbeds from the first time and we talked about what is going to happen later with us when we return to the country.

I gave him one of my bracelets to remind him of me and we promised each other to stay in touch and to see each other the first possible time when we get back. Btw, he lives in a city which is two hour drive by train and one hour by bus from my city. Also, we left in the air the unspoken 'what happens on the holiday, stays on the holiday' because U. had 5 more days to be there, but to be honest, I didn't like that and I didn't like the part when he told me that if something happens, it happened, but he also told me that it won't be that easy because he has me in the head now. But Greece is not that gay friendly, either, so I doubted that he will do anything and I think that he didn't. I tend not to think about it, I'm only enjoying present and his company. If he wish, he'll tell me one day, when he's ready. (and now I revealed a bit about our 'future', but you'll hear more in the 'after holiday' post).

After hanging out on the beach and on that wall, we waited for the sunrise and we went home, it was early in the morning, around 7 or 8 AM and now I walked him toward his hotel and in the middle of the road we saw his friend, the girl who fell of the table, talking with some British guy. They were totally in the middle of a conversation about politics, philosophy, science etc. And she was clearly wasted, but we stopped to say 'hi' and I even talked to her a bit, now when I was sober. And when we passed by her and, I think his name was Gabriel, she shouted to U. and me something like: "I like that you found him and I like him, he's so cool and nice and I also like that he's not feminized at all." It was a nice compliment, to be honest, and really weird, because she was shouting from the other part of the street. She's a bit crazy type of girl, and I like when people are like that, outgoing and ready to have some fun.

On the crossroads, U. told me sarcastically something like: 'Okay, now I used you, you can go.' and started to walk away and I was looking at him and smiling because I knew he will turn around, smile and come back to kiss me. And he did. Then he said: 'Okay, have a safe trip and text me when you get back home.' :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 3

2011-09-20T15:55:00.000+01:00

Woke up totally unconscious was it really a dream or not… But I knew it was real and that U. is real. I couldn’t believe what I experienced the last night. I was having huge smile on my face and I woke up very happy.

I couldn’t wait for 3 PM to come. It was our last day on the island and we were buying gifts for our friends who were back home… I was rushing David to hurry up because 3 PM was approaching so I can discreetly go. And I got bit mad on David because the first question after I woke up and he came to my room was: “So, did you have sex?” and I hate when people are like that, they only think about sex. Okay, I get it, he thinks about sex now because he didn’t have it for a long time, and the main reason he and Isaac came here on holiday is to fool around and to have sex and to hook up with a lot of girls. But I came here to relax and enjoy and I hate when he keeps asking me this, and he knows me. And I don’t run away from sex, but oh my God, people, that’s not the point and that’s not the only thing to think about, I had a great time with U. and I enjoyed it a lot and no, we didn’t had sex on our first date. I can’t do it that easily and that ‘meaningless’.

After buying gifts, I told the rest of the people that I’m going to enjoy my time alone, on some scooter or something and Isaac and Ivan are used to it, because I’m very mysterious person sometimes so they didn’t said anything. David knew where I was going.

I walked down the road and I came way too early because I had to phone my mom, it was her birthday. And then, 15 minutes before 3 PM I walked down the main street, in the direction of his hotel and there he was, walking the street with his glasses on and his backpack on his shoulder, with fresh white shirt and black shorts... I smiled and he smiled and I said some joke and he did the same and we shook hands. I was bit nervous and confused but I took him to the renting place and started talking with the guy who rents bikes/scooter/ATV and U. was amazed by me speaking Greek. Because they didn’t have ATV, we went to another place and took one, and he was looking at my handwriting, while I was signing the contract (so sweet) and commenting my Greek again. And then we climbed the ATV and I started driving.

It was like in movies. Me and him on a bike, the wind is blowing and wiping our faces and there’s a road in the distance. It was simply perfect; we were playing and poking each other on the ATV and talking, but only when we could hear each other, because of the noise of the ATV and the wind. I was feeling butterflies all the time and it felt fucking GREAT. I was happy and it was really refreshing and mind-blowing. Then I saw a sign for a beach and I decided to turn, and we went to the beach, driving through the woods and finally reaching the parking and the beach. I parked and we found some spot next to some cliffs and we spread our towels. Then he took off his shirt and I saw his perfectly shaped body, yeah he is skinny but has defined muscles and I was bit scared while I took my shirt off, because I didn’t go in gym for a very long time and I didn’t work out for a long time either, but I swam a lot on my holiday and I kinda ‘returned’ to the shape. And he didn’t say anything and he even remained the same, with flirty voice and stuff, so I relaxed. It was amazing. He put the cream on me, we were joking with our brown tan and then we went to the water.

Santa Barbara Beach on Corfu (THE beach) :)

The cliffs and 'our' spot ;)

The waves were amazing, they were huge, and I was like a small kid when I jumped and started swimming and went bit far away. I was feeling really happy and free, I was literally flying over the waves and I was with a nice guy and we were on a date. It felt so good. I was on a holiday, far away from all problems and finally I relaxed and forgot about everything. I was just enjoying in the moment and it felt perfect. I was swimming toward him and I was poking him in the water while I was diving and then we stepped out of the water and lay down on our towels and we started talking. He told me a bit about his experience and I told him a bit about Mike and stuff, but later we started more interesting topics, like music, movies, holidays etc. We had a great time, after an hour, we decided to go further on. We packed our stuff and took our ATV.

Goodbye Santa Barbara ;)

Now the romantic part of the movie starts ;)

We were driving toward the second beach and took turn on the road and we reached the beach quickly, parked the ATV and decided to have a meal. We found some beautiful restaurant near the seaside and sat there. The waiter came, we ordered and I used my Greek once more. We were talking, watching the beach, the waves and it was really like in movies, on some first date scene. He was joking, showing me his phone, we were talking, and then the meal came. We ate and we discussed food. After a while, when the bill came, it was the best 20€ spent on the entire holiday and it was my last money. But I didn’t care; I had a great time with him and I enjoyed every single second of it and tomorrow I was going back home.

The view from the restaurant, you can see U.'s hand in the right bottom corner ;)

Then we took our ATV and in the restaurant I asked him would he like to go to another beach or somewhere else (and I was thinking about going in some woods and just enjoying our time together alone) and he said that he would like to go somewhere else ;) And there we went. I drove ATV toward some woods near some town in the middle of island. I had a towel in my bag so we parked ATV near the roads and sat on the ground. Then we were kissing and making out a little, but he felt really uncomfortable because the road was near and we could hear the cars coming and even one family with baby passed us (but they didn’t see us) so we stopped, and just sat there and talked about future, how we see each other in 10 years, about the gay issues in our country and about everything else that came on our mind. And we lost track of time. I accidentally looked at my watch and saw that we have like 45 minutes until the due for renting the ATV. We packed our things, kissed very quickly and headed back to the town we were in.

We got there in time and it was a very quick ride and it was very funny because U. was very scared and always told me like: ‘Slower, slower!’ and it was so sweet and so cute. For one part of road he also was driving.

After we returned ATV we were walking a lil bit through our town and planned the night, because it was going to be my last night there and we planned to meet up.

The plan was to meet up around 3 AM in the same club we met. And then we said goodbye and I returned to the hotel with the huge grin all over my face. When David noticed me he was laughing in his specific way and telling me (‘I know you had a good time’). And I really did have a GREAT time...

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4

Life

2011-09-14T13:24:00.001+01:00

Corfu, Greece, Summer 2011 - part 2

2011-09-12T18:29:00.000+01:00

When I’m drunk, I usually go from a place to a place and I’m very hyperactive, I can’t be in one place for much long, and I usually try to convince David and Isaac to go with me. (As for Ivan, we are not that close, even though I know him for 13 years, but we became quite close after this trip). And sometimes I’m mad at David and Isaac because I look at them as party breakers, and they are sometimes like that, being boring and grumpy. I can’t understand how they don’t have a wish to move a little from one place, but it’s their problem. But one night, I lost Isaac and later I’ve found him in some club where a lot of people from my country were. And I hugged him and we started going together to some other club, hugged. He was telling me about some girl he hooked up with and it was nice to hear that, because he’s in deep problem with a girl he likes, but she ditched him like six times, and he had some kissing issues (he confessed me that few days before this night and we talked a lot and I gave him some piece of advice, and his ‘new’ kiss was okay with this girl he was talking about, so I was very glad to hear the story and happy for him). Btw, Isaac is very inexperienced and immature and stubborn person, that’s the prime reason why I'm scared of telling him about me.

Okay, let’s continue… (Now my ‘movie’ starts, literally). Later, Isaac and I were walking and walking and entered the most populous club there, some people were outside, some people were inside and we climbed some table with a pole and we started going round and round the pole with some other people. Suddenly a girl from the table fell and hit the floor, but she was okay and we helped her to climb back, and I was talking with her in English and later I asked her: “Where are you from?” and she answered in my mother tongue: “(My country name), mate!” :P and it was so funny. She and her friend (a guy) on the pole were also from my country. We laughed, and then we started going around and around the pole again and I felt a touch on my butt, but not obvious touch, just like someone has ‘accidently’ put his hand there. It was so discreet and like an ‘accident’. I ignored that and I was also drunk so I wanted to continue to dance. And then I felt it again and I notice that a guy with a blue shirt, who I earlier noticed climbing the pole, was doing that… He also was a girl’s friend.

The picture taken from that table with the pole ;)

We continued to dance… and then the music stopped, Isaac and the first guy climbed down the table, and the girl who fell also climbed down. Some shit was happening, and that’s why they stopped the music. The guy in blue shirt and me were standing alone on the table, and talking some gibberish stuff, like ‘how did you come here?’, ‘where do you live in (my country)?’, ‘how was your stay here?’ and so on. Nothing special, but I felt like I should ask him something and ask him if he’s gay or not. My heart was beating so strong and I still was drunk and scared like hell. And then I simply beat my fear and said it, and it was huge step for me, it was so nice, so weird (in positive way) and so amazing in the same time... But I asked him something like: ‘Okay, never mind that (we were in middle of talk), are you maybe... in a funky mood?’ (It’s a literal translation to English. When you say to person “are you in a mood” or “are you funky” it means “gay” in gay slang in my country, don’t ask me how that happened, it’s simply like that and usually gay people know that…). And then he had a HUGE grin all over his face and said: ‘Noooo, I don’t know what you mean with that, what are you talking about?’ and I was: ‘Are you sure?’ because I saw he is uncomfortable. He grinned again and said: ‘I’m sure.’

Later, I don’t remember much of our conversation, I simply know that we continued our conversation (it was ordinary) and that was enough proof that he is gay (the grin, too). Usually when people you approach find out that you are gay they run away or they punch you in the head (I’m just kidding for this one, but who knows, I had only one experience when I approached some guy, Lucy's friend in club and he jumped away from me, literally :) )...

And then he said something like: ‘And what about you, are you in a mood?’ and I simply answered: ‘Yes! But why is that important now, when you are not?’ (with ironic grin on my face)... And then we talked more and he said suddenly: ‘Do you wanna go to the beach?'... And I was like: ‘I can’t. First, you aren’t in the mood (sarcastic grin). And, second, this friend (and I showed at Isaac, who was yelling something with his mute voice, he had lost his voice that night) doesn’t know about me (being gay), and I can’t leave him alone...’ And we were obviously flirting... Then he said: ‘Maybe my friend can help?’ and showed me the girl, who fell of the table, she was next to my friend and watching some guys dancing. Then I jumped down, went to her and told her: ‘Me and your friend would like to go to the beach, but see, my friend doesn’t know about me, so you need to help us’… and she hugged me (music started again and you couldn’t hear nicely) and was like: ‘What? You are gay too?’ and then I knew the blue-shirt guy was gay for sure… :D :D :D I simply answered: ‘Yes!’ and she smiled and let go of me and took Isaac immediately and said: ‘You are going with us!!!’ and they got lost in the crowd.

I took blue-shirt guy and went at the backdoors who were heading to the beach. He was like: ‘That’s not the way’ and I was: ‘Relax, I know where I’m going’ (I knew club, because I was there few nights before and even though I was drunk, I’ve investigate the space)...

‘Omg, you are taking me to the beach, and you don’t even wanna know my name,’ he was joking and then we introduced each other. And his name on this blog will be U. (to stay faithful to my ‘first name first letter’ tradition).

Instead of going to the beach, we found some chair – bench, and we sat there and we started talking. Finally he admitted that he’s ‘in a mood’ and that he was touching my butt. Later, I found out that he doesn’t hang out on THE site (dating sites) and that he studies law, that he was with only one guy (serious "relationship") and a lot of things about him, and I liked him instantly. We both were drunk and suddenly I kissed him and he was confused in the beginning, because we were in the public place but he relaxed later. And he was such a good kisser, it was amazing. He then said some joke about my tongue and about me being ‘horny’. And it was soooooo nice and soooooo perfect. We were totally relaxed and few people were passing by, and the security was closing the backdoor and no one said anything, nor staring at us.

And we talked and talked on that amazing bench, then we were kissing and kissing and then we decided to go to the beach. And we did, we were walking down the beach, joking, laughing, then we were holding hands for some short while and then U. saw some dock and decided that we go there. We sat there, it was dark, but the Moon was very bright. You could only see the Moon, stars, dark sea, and little lights from the city. It was so romantic and so peaceful. We took off our shoes, because they were so full of sand and we just sat there.

The beach during night

We talked, I told him about my parents and stuff, he told me a bit about his family and it was simply perfect and so romantic. Then we kissed again and started cuddling and we were enjoying that moment for a while, like maybe half an hour or something and then some Brits came. (Btw, this place where we went for a holiday has a lot of British visitors and they are huge mess, to be honest, but I kinda enjoy their way of fun, but only for a short while, three or four days of British ‘fun’ is enough for me... We heard about two girls being ‘shagged’ by some guy in the main street while people were taking photos and filming videos, then some guy put ketchup and mustard on the head of a guy from our hotel... Then they sprayed pepper spray to some other guy from our hotel, you could see a lot of people drunk and literally ‘dead’ in the street with puke all around you. I also like to drink and to enjoy and relax, but British fun is not 'my cup of tea' ;), only for a short time)...

Okay, let’s get back to the story. So, some British people came and they saw us in a pose when our hands and legs being so twisted all around :) and a girl just said: ‘OMG, fuck! Sorry, sorry, please continue, we are just skinny dipping’. But they ruined the mood, so we put our shoes on and pass by them, while they were jumping into water. They didn’t say anything nor even notice us leaving, even though they clearly saw it was two guys kissing and making out... It felt so good, to be honest.

We walked again and you could see that the sky was getting brighter; it was going to be a sunrise soon. We found some beach beds under a sun-umbrella and we lay there next to each other and we were playing with our hands, I was touching his and he was touching mine. It was so sweet. And then we started making plans for tomorrow. We decided to rent a scooter or an ATV (all-terrain vehicle) and go somewhere around the island.

Lying in sunbed and watching the sunrise with U. (you can see my sneakers in the right corner ;P)

You can see U.'s hair on the left and my feet on the right ;)

We both were getting sleepy and we decided to go to our hotels. U. followed me until we reached some hotel I recognized. Then we revised our plan and set ‘a date’ at 3 PM. Then we kissed one more time in the street, next to a hotel where a lot of people from the same organization that brought me on the island was staying and said ‘see ya tomorrow’...

I returned to the hotel not sure was I dreaming or was it reality. It was unbelievable Ι met someone on such a normal and very interesting way, and also someone very cute, handsome and sweet. I woke up David because it was around 9 AM and he promised some Greek girl (our boss :) ) that he will run with her on the beach, morning exercise, and I took the moment to tell him in short words what happened, but he was so funny and so sleepy that he couldn’t do anything than just nod and saying ‘Yeah... Okay... Aha... Yeah’ and then said ‘Okay, I have to sleep half an hour more, you’ll tell me everything later.’ Then he crawled back to his pillow and I went to my room and lay in my bed, next to Isaac’s, who was sleeping. I couldn’t fall asleep for a few moments, still wondering and repeating in my head what had happened... :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4

Ricky Martin - Me

2011-08-25T16:41:00.001+01:00

Today I got the book written by Ricky Martin entitled "Me". I opened my first credit card, but it's for Internet use only and when I got my first money, by working some job on TV, I ordered the book. I was so happy and excited when I saw it on my desk when I got home from an exam (and it came like in 5 days even though they told me it will be around September 14th), and there were some problems with my parents, cause the postman was like: "You need to sign here" and he mentioned police, dunno why (maybe some post business), and my dad was like very suspicious and asked me over the phone: "What the book is about?" in a way like he suspects even though I'm sure he doesn't know who is Ricky Martin, but I don't care. They are very old-fashined and they don't know a lot about Internet and ordering through Interned, so maybe that's why he was suspicious. We'll see tonight, when he gets back from work.

I'm going to start to read it right now, even though I have to study, I can manage to make a few hours free. :) :D

And btw, sorry because I wasn't writing about my Greece trip yet, I will finish post soon, as soon as I finish with my exams, I have the last exam on 31st of August... I need concentration and I need to set up the pictures :) So that's why I'm not done yet, even though the post is almost finished...

And for the end, here's a new song by Ricky Martin, which I like a lot...