self-injury.net - Latest Blog Posts

T-I-R-E-D of it all

autismtwin — Wed, 16 May 2012 00:35:51 +0000

Today was just one of those days. I've been getting a lot of those days lately. But when I can't feel....thats where my blades come in. The day flashes before my eyes as I try to keep up with it. I want to wake up and be normal, but what is normal, anyway? Got yelled at for not changing for gym today and cried in the lockeroom....I just don't want to show the world my cuts, my secret hell or my shame. Thank god this year is almost over. Any advice to help me stay strong?

...Hooked on pills now???

StormyGraves — Mon, 14 May 2012 06:03:33 +0000

i think i should just be lonely because im so tired being abused by people who i thought loved me. People are so selfish. They use you, lead you on, and throw you away after they're done tearing your heart into shreds. What a bunch of assholes. We all know the girl who use to be my best friend... who i thought actually gave a fuck about me. Who my parents refused to let me be with. Yea... She's just like everyone else. Just like my ex-boyfriend. So blah blah blah we try to control our feelings and be friends... Then she started having trust issues with me for no reason... started taking her anger out on me... then the next day i cut myself 21 times... then the next day 19 more... I pleading with her to stop the abuse... So we made a plan not to talk to each other at all the whole summer so we can get help without each other interferring... We could only talk at school by a notebook... Friday night i took 8 or 9 of my 25mg Lamotrigine pills... So thats about 200 or 225mg... Just to see how it felt... It was so numbing... Then Saturday came... She texted me on accident... We started talking... She started getting angry for no reason... I told her i loved her and then she said to stop telling her i love her... that she didnt love me no more... so she basically led me on to believe we could make it better... she started saying i should go run back to my ex or go with boys that basically "stalk" me... i asked if she even wanted to be friends... she said no... so i asked so im nothing to you now? then said... ill go disappear bye... Read more »

surprise. I'm alive

mannequin — Sun, 13 May 2012 18:45:28 +0000

I haven't been to this site in months.. The last post I wrote I was thinking about suicide. My counselor up on campus wanted me to go to a mental hospital until I could get more in control of wanting to kill myself, but I refused that. I got really close over and over. I really don't know why I didn't die.

But somehow I am still alive. For the first time in a very very long time my life is starting to turn for the better. I have a boyfriend, Jeff, that I can be completely myself around. I have a job, and school isn't to hard. I'm getting a free "analysis" thing to test me for different mental/emotional things, and I'll find out in a few weeks if they have a diagnoses for me. (I'm kinda scared about that, but I'm trying to see it as a good thing.) I'm starting to eat normal again and I haven't binged or purged for three weeks. I haven't cut for almost 2 months and it's driving me crazy. It's getting harder and harder everyday :P I just want to be done with it for real!! And at the same time I just want to bleed. I want to hit a vein again. I miss having scabs on my arms. Does anyone know if the urges eventually go away? Or am I going to have to deal with this forever? Read more »

Woo!!!

TaeJo — Thu, 10 May 2012 14:50:01 +0000

Happiness hit me like a bullet to the back.

I don't even remember the last time I injured myself. For a while I was bulimic, but ever since I started dating my current boyfriend that went down the toilet (no pun intended). Sometimes it really is the people who hold a great amount of significance in our lives who influence us the most, and he is one of the very few "stop and smell the roses" that I have in my life. This must make me sound like a total cheesehead -- haha -- , but I could really care less...I adore him and strive to make him, as well as myself, happy and I'm not ashamed to admit that. He makes me actually want to get up in the morning...that's something that I thought would never happen. He actually understands that fact that whether a girl is 16 or 60; she still has that insecure little girl inside of her. (To all of the fellas out there who understand this, thanks so mucho much for showing such patience.) I think it was his patience and understanding that made me fall for him so quickly, usually everyone who I have encountered is always after something...but not him; he just wants to make me happy. Being with him is different, and I like it. It takes a bit of time to get used to his acts of kindness and affection -- duh -- , only because I've become so adjusted to aggressive men who are oh so amaing at causing damage to my noggin. In due time I'll be able to fully accept what he has to offer, and we can just be that super awesome doting couple. Dote, dote, dote. Read more »

This is Me.

xxValerieAnnxx — Tue, 08 May 2012 05:18:32 +0000

My Story.

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Pain

CMallory — Mon, 07 May 2012 05:00:55 +0000

I've been stuck in a rut lately. Things were originally so good, and I felt so great, yet it all just went to hell along the way. One day I'm talking about how great I'm feeling, the other I'm playing with my knife and debating just going at it because I'm in pain. I know it's wrong and something that I need to stop, but it just feels...I don't know. I just know I've got another long night ahead of me, and the thoughts still present.

Freaking Out!

BlackTshirtFan — Thu, 03 May 2012 18:46:21 +0000

I am freaking the f**k out! Someone on the school bus today caught me scratching at my skin with my dad's apartment keys, and she asked me about it. Someone else asked me about scars, so I showed them my arm, covered with marks. She told me about her way of dealing- stabbing a doll while cursing it out?- and now I'm home, panicking becuase I am terrified that they'll tell someone. I am freaking out!

I'm so freaked out that I can hardly breathe, literally. I am doing my best to calm myself down while frantically typing this out on my mom's leptop. If she finds out.... oh God, I don't even know! Now I'm freaking out even more..... oh s**t what am I going to do? I need to calm down, but my heart keeps on pounding rapidly in my chest. I'm going to post this, clear the history on this laptop, sign out, and home that those girls on the bus don't tell anyone.

Keys

BlackTshirtFan — Wed, 02 May 2012 21:13:45 +0000

I have so many marks on my forearm that I have lost track. I also forget how many times I've scratched today. My arm is covered with pink and red lines and blobs and marks that if anyone saw it, they's think I have a rash or something. I'm hiding it with a sweatshirt, but I'm still afraid that someone's going to see it. Maybe I'm just paranoid...

The stinging has gone away, but I can still feel the marks, still see them when I blink. I can see the three parrellel lines on my right wrist and the marks all over my left forearm. The thought won't leave my mind.

i just want to hide

miss.perfect failure — Wed, 02 May 2012 19:32:54 +0000

most days im beginning to wonder how much more i can take. i thought i was doing so good being off my medication due to pregnacy but my doctor had to put me back on it because my depression and anxiety only keeps getting worse and im beginning to really think i can't handle life without my meds.....and wonder if i will be on meds for the rest of my life. the past couple of nights i haven't been able to sleep all i can do is lay in bed and contenplate on wether or not to pick up the blade again.....my wrist are aching and i have been doing so good with not cutting but i want to cut again so badly i miss the relase it gave me, i miss the comfort i got from it......i mean i lay in my bed for 3 to 4 hours talking to myself about the blade....but then i realize how upset people around me would be if i did do it but then i think what if i did it where no one will see and no one will find out.....these constant thoughts make me want to pull my hair out....i don't think im going to not be able to cut tonight....i have this feeling i won't be able to talk myself out of it another night.....

Asking for help

tremont — Wed, 02 May 2012 08:39:36 +0000

Hello, new member here. I am here because I feel like I am falling back into old habbit's and with no health insurance, seeking my own saviour in other people feeling like me seem's to be the best way. I have been a cutter since I started adolescence (13 yrs. old I think, I am 23 now) . I have been through my share of therapist's and have only really had one make an impact on my way of thinking. When I was 16 I got pregnant only a month after my sister (who is 4 yrs. to the day older than me and bipolar) told our parent's that she was pregnant. My parent's accepted this and were supportive with me, although the father was not and cause me severe stress. Thus I did loose the baby do to being overwhelmed and other mean's that I am not proud of. This is something that I have not talked to a therapist about and still harbor with me every day. I am proud to say that that experience did get me on the path to having a stable job and succeding as far as that, and also controlling my depressive behavior. I have had a level head for year's now, but certain thing's that have been going on in my life have been leading me back to cutting. I have gone as long as 8 to 12 month's between episode's, but recently have had 2 episode's in a 3 month period. I have alway's concentrated on one specific area of my body, but as of recently moved to a new area. This scare's me because I have been so strong for so long. I am not looking for criticism on any thing in that nature, I am looking for encouragement and a guiding light. Read more »