Grow Your Soul

Four Ways Women Stunt Their Careers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 07:34:00 +0000

I just read this blog article on Harvard Business Review about 'Four Ways Women Stunt Their Careers.'

I think it's a great article and so true - i've seen so many women sabotage their opportunities by being too 'nice little girl'. Work is a game of monopoly not a family thanksgiving dinner - the rules are different!

Women - please read and reflect. Parents please consider how you can teach these attributes to your daughters.

Link to HBR Article

Tall poppy syndrome: Deal with the jealousy of haters

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 16:48:00 +0000

You had a dream, you worked your ass off, your success came slowly and steadily, but you never gave up and then 'BAMB' you stop for a breather, you take a look around and damn... looks like you actually made it!

*Punch the air, scream in exhilaration, crack open the champagne!*

Buuuuuut, not everyone will be toasting you... in fact some will be wishing your downfall. Although i find this psychology entirely bizarre: What if you believed (just for a second) that there's only so much good stuff to go around. What if success, happiness, love and wealth were all finite and there was only a little piece to share between us. When someone sees you with your success - they think that you've stolen a bit of what was owed to them. It's not just that they're jealous, in their stupid little minds - they believe that you've actually done them wrong. Every dollar in your bank account, is a dollar that they're in debt! Every pleasure you have - means pain for them.

The second thing is that average people believe that successful folk get a 'leg up' somehow. Perhaps from a successful parent, a natural talent or a right place, right time opportunity. They do not have the mindset to understand that we ALL have leads, we're constantly being bombarded with opportunities and we all have abundant talents that need hard work and determination to refine.

So... these haters comes from such a painful place of 'lack'. They feel that you've used some mystical talents to steal their slice of the cake. This concept is often referred to as Tall Poppy Syndrome - when a poppy gets much taller than the others, it is hacked down to the height of the rest. This is the reason that highly successful people are often reviled. Average people would rather use their energies to bitch and scorn about your great life rather than enrich their own with education or improve their prospects.

And this is because these people are, in fact...

... Stupid

So... how to deal with them? Well... once you realize what is going on in their tiny minds it's not actually that hard to ignore them. I think that society as a whole is being encouraged to be negative even more nowadays through the omnipresent gossip columns that just rip on successful celebs. But understand that these 'haters' do not have the capacity to do what you have done! In life, if you refuse to let anyone else win - you will NEVER win yourself! By hating you, they are only hurting themselves more.

Love this quote:
"You cannot strengthen one by weakening another; and you cannot add to the stature of a dwarf by cutting off the leg of a giant." Benjamin Franklin Fairless

Tips for happier living!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 13:55:00 +0000

Here is a tip for happier living and reducing stress:
I believe that we are only truly 'living' when we are experiencing one of the following three things:

1. Laughing
2. Loving
3. Learning

The times when we're not experiencing these things - are just gaps between life. They are just pauses. We are merely on 'standby' mode. If you're not doing one (or all!) of the things above - then you're not actually living at all.

When you go to bed each night - write down: 1) something that made you laugh, 2) something you loved doing and 3) something you learned today! Paying attention to these 3 principles will help you get the most from your life! Paying attention to these things will make you appreciate those moments when they come!

8 ways to feel happier!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 06:19:00 +0000

We all fall into pits of helplessness now and then. When I was younger, I thought that these little blips of misery would end as soon as I reached adulthood, or became a director, or got married, or traveled the world, or earned a great wage.

Sorry, guys... these little pockets of short-term melancholy don't seem to budge! Regardless of the number of zeros on your bank balance or the number of countries you've visited.

For me, these periods of i hate everything have got significantly shorter.... to the point i can now say with confidence 'i won't feel like this tomorrow'. And nowadays, i use these bad patches to drive a new burst of growth.

I know what you're thinking: "Woah... wait a minute... you're a lifecoach and you still feel miserable sometimes?"

Yes! Absolutely! Life can be tough, people can be impossible, goals can feel unattainable, children can be brats, we all have setbacks, little things can add up and grind you down... and then there are tax returns....! Life will always have the downers, but just like a backfiring car, a headache or bad grades - there are things that you can do to make the situation better.

Philosophically:
1. It's okay to feel like this - EVERYONE does now and then
2. It's temporary - you'll be through this soon
3. It will all work out in the end - it ALWAYS does

Practically:
1. Happy songs: select an uplifting playlist on you ipod - keep it energizing! No radiohead!
2. Look at some photos of a great holiday or a great time.
3. Go to the gym... work those endorphins - you'll feel much better
4. Watch a funny or inspiring tv show/ youtube video
5. Chocolate milk - haha... okay... this is my personal one. There's something nurturing and childlike about sipping on a cartoon of creamy chocolate milk. But i highlight a serious point here - customize! Find something that puts you in a really good mood and remember it for the down times.

I wish you a safe return to smile-ville! :-)

What is 'Dread'?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 18:33:00 +0000

Dread isn't the same as 'fear'. You are not scared of a thing. Dread is an emotionally charged 'i don't want this to happen'. Dread is your inner child sulking about the fact that it's now stuck in an adult body with adult responsibilities and an adult schedule!!!

You're not actually scared of what is going to happen - you're just dreading the thought of moving out of your childlike comfort zone!

I still dread flying (i went on 32 flights last year) - i still dread difficult meetings, even though i'm pretty darn resilient. I dread opening my post - as an adult i just never grasped the benefits of receiving post and still descend to total immaturity when it comes to opening mail.

I've come to the conclusion that dread is a good thing - it shows your inner child is still alive and well.... and still wants to jump into a puddle (even though you're wearing a suit) still gets Pick N Mix sweets (before going to the gym you spend $300 a month at!), will still go on every ride at a theme park (even though your own kids are scared and won't go on) and apparently... still counts the number of flights you go on each year with the enthusiasm of a new flier.

Dread is just your inner child bitchin'

Be the best you can be: Commit to Excellence

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 16:47:00 +0000

I believe that whoever you are and whatever you do - you can become the best!

When i say this, some people take it negatively, as if i'm encouraging them to trounce their peers and suddenly compete with everyone around them. But i do not mean that at all, in fact, people who take that approach clearly aren't the best!

By being the best, i mean that you should commit to excellence. Why would you commit to anything else? Commit to failure? Commit to mediocrity? Commit to normality? I believe by committing to excellence - we are doing something deeply spiritual. We are saying:

'I am going to serve this universe at the highest possible level.'

Think of all the stunning works of art that have been created as a commitment of excellence to god. Think of the beauty of nature, or the wonder of a newborn baby. Did some higher power not commit to excellence to create all of this! Therefore, should we not follow this lead?

... and guess what? The universe always commits back! Commit to excellence, give it time and you will be rewarded for your efforts. Not only will you feel great for being excellent, you will start a Mexican wave of excellence around you - people will be inspired to do the same! There is always a market for the best, so watch your pack packet too! Every company on earth is crying out for great people!

Quotes about excellence
"Be so good at what you do - they cannot ignore you." - Steve Martin

"Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism." - Oprah

"Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Incremental changes: 10% more!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 11:13:00 +0000

What if you gave 10% more effort in your job? What if you spent 10% more time with your children? What if your weight was 10% less? What if every holiday was 10% longer?
Ladies, how happy would you be if you have 10% more shoes??

10% often seems like a trivial amount... like small change... not something to get excited by... We've all been at a shop counter paying for something and have suddenly realized with disappointment that the 10% discount doesn't really add up to much at all! Research tells us that any work performance bonus is seen as irrelevant unless it's over 10%.

But incremental steps are often the key to massive changes. An avalanche can start with a small crack in the ice. 'Each journey starts with a single step'. - Chinese proverb

If I'm coaching someone who is at a crossroads and is depressed that they do not know what they want to do/ where they want to go next. I advise them to put 10% extra effort into *everything* they do for two weeks! 10% more: At work, at home, at the gym, with the children, at cooking, driving the car, at dressing up, even be 10% nicer to their mother-in-law!! Two weeks later... they come back to me - they feel great and they always know what it is they want!

Effort is always rewarded! Sometimes financially, sometimes by success and sometimes with clarity or a sense of wellbeing! When you're stuck in a rut and just give a little more - and you'll soon pick up the momentum to take you anywhere you want to go!!!

Give yourself 10% extra today!

Spurring motivation: the power of a burning bridge

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 06:31:00 +0000

Ever known someone who's burnt bridges??

We often use the expression 'burning bridges' to describe a negative behavior - perhaps someone who seems to be slash and burning their way through all their personal contacts.

However, burning the occasional bridge is an essential part of growing.

I have burnt many bridges in my life - all were painful! In hindsight, some were in haste and i probably should have paused for thought before dousing the wooden planks in gasoline and hurling a lit match behind me as i sprinted from the scene. Whereas other times, my actions have given me a new energy to pursue the future by cutting off a bridge to the past.

When you have burnt a bridge of the past - it is the surest way to drive yourself forward. You have no choice to go back!

Like quitting a job before you have a new one, putting in an offer for a house that you can't quite afford yet or buying a $2000 size 10 designer gown for your christmas party and telling everyone about it. Burning a bridge is holding yourself to an expectation. It is committing yourself to the path you have chosen in the future. Whereas the expression 'throwing your hat over the wall' is seen as positive - 'burning bridges' has had a bad press!

The word 'decision' comes from the latin: decisio - which literally means 'cutting off'. When you decide something, you cut off all the other options. What better way of focusing on your decision than burning all the other options to smoking cinders!

Burning a bridge might seem a destructive analogy, but used properly with thought and consideration - it can spur some of the greatest creations!ans 'cutting off'. So if
Therefore, every time we burn a bridge, we must build a bridge.

6 inspirational quotes!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 13:38:00 +0000

1. "There isn't a person anywhere who isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can." - Henry Ford

2. "Knowing where to lead people is not the same as convincing them to follow you." - Douglas H. Everett

3."Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72."- Mark Twain

4. If you're brave enough to say "GOOD BYE", life will reward you with a new "HELLO" ~ Paulo Coelho

5. "Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that." ~Norman Vincent Peale

6. "To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."- Reba McIntyre

When there's nothing more you can do: Surrender all!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 08:15:00 +0000

I just saw this video of Oprah Winfrey talking about surrendering once you have done everything possible to achieve something.

Link

When you've done everything possible to obtain something - you've pleaded, you've begged, you tried in every way possible - and now you're in a place of pain. You have to surrender to the universe and let bigger powers work out what's best for you!

I loved it! Enjoy!

How to get Total Assertiveness...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 18:06:00 +0000

Total assertiveness is not a skill to obtain, or build, borrow or create for yourself. It's a skill to uncover - it is something at the very core of each one of us. Total assertiveness lies beneath all the baggage we insist on carrying around with us. Isn't it true that the best speeches in history are those who have laid themselves bare and stripped off their persona to speak from their core?

As babies and young children, we were shamelessly assertive! Hungry? "wwwwwhhhhaaaa' Tired? 'whhhhhhah' need anything? 'wwwhhhhhaaa'. (I know grown men who still employ this strategy, by the way). As we grow, we burden ourselves with stereotypes, baggage and memories of bad experiences. We may have hurt someone we love with our hard words and brought suffering - and picked up the message not to do this again. I became nervous and passive through an incredibly destructive relationship with my mother. She had some appalling passive aggressive behaviors, which meant i spent my entire youth walking on eggshells.

But assertiveness is not a 'way to talk' or 'method' or an 'outward communication skill'. Although I am now assertive, it is not because i speak up or can easily tell the truth to people who might not want to hear it.

Then what is total assertiveness?

It is a deep intimacy. It is being your own best friend. It is being your biggest fan. It is being the best lover, mother, brother to yourself. It's being this omnipresent cheerleader for yourself. It is resolutely and stubbornly standing by your own side through whatever happens. When you take time to connect with yourself (and it does take time!) the world is turned upside-down for the better.

This deeply entrenched self-respect is total assertiveness - if you have a buddy like you by your side... then what can possibly go wrong?

This deep intimacy with the miracle of yourself leads to great things. It causes a general relaxation in yourself. You can lavish yourself with love, you stop trying to seek it from: lovers, parents, bosses, friends, teachers, etc. Your cup is full - you don't approach life with holes in your soul that need filling up with a daily amount of attention or praise. But curiously, this relaxed and assertive personally trait is magnetic and attracts the right sort of people (and all the right things!) Insecurities melt away and total self reliance & self believe return to you like a distance deja vu. This is how we are meant to be!

People seeking to be assertive outside will find the answer inside. Assertiveness is not how to talk and communicate - it is a deep spiritual connection with your naked soul, that then gives you the love, stability, protection, kindness and warmth to take on the whole darn world.

And you? Well, you're totally awesome... who wouldn't crawl over broken glass to become your best friend?

Feelin' the fear

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 May 2011 17:46:00 +0000

I strongly believe that fear is the precursor of growth.

I believe this so much, i've actually got to the point that when i'm scared/ freaked/ worried - i think... 'wow, i know something awesome is going to happen when i'm done with this fear'.

When i'm a little scared of doing something, i know that it's probably the right thing to do! The 'fear' doesn't go away - i think i've just renamed it and given it a good rep!

Susan Jeffers said: 'Fear is a friend that accompanies us on our most exciting journeys!' It took me a long time to agree with this (rather than just quote it) but i'm there now!

Shopping hangovers: Emotions about money

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 14 May 2011 17:53:00 +0000

I have a serious 'spend hangover'.

I've been away and treated myself to a looot of stuff.

I bought: business class flights, a suite in a 5 star hotel, meals out, wine, cocktails, clothes and suits and lingerie and handbags and shoes and make up and perfumes and jeans and a coat and a gorgeous blazer thing and books and a funky time capsule thing for my macbook and gifts for *everyone*.

So... why the spend hangover?!
Was it my money? Yes!
Was it money i personally earned? Yes!
Am i now in debt? No!
Am i now poor because i spent all the money? Nope!
Is there more money where that came from? Yes!

Then why the stoopid guilt?!

I think that there are two components to this: 1) If you come from having only a little... and you end up with a lot... you never forget the little you had. You never forget the simplicity of being broke - there's a freedom to being penniless (although you could NEVER have told me this at the time) You never forget the simple things that you appreciated when you had nothing. Now i think back, even when i was poor - life was fine!

2) The first time you buy a designer outfit from your own money - AWESOME. Second time - a little less awesome. Third time - okay. Fourth time - meh! Fifth time - it's a chore!
The more money i spend, the more critical i get! The more stuff i buy, the less and less I hit the 'high notes' - i'm just not sure i can get my fix anymore. You get diminishing returns every time you splash out!

For example, the suite i stayed in, it was in a luxury branded hotel in the best area (of course!) I walked in, immediately i didn't like the color scheme (dingy tan and brown... i decorated my own house in these colors 6 years ago). Nor was i impressed with the wood panel or the amount of mirrors. There was supposed to be fresh fruit in the room - but there were only oranges... there should be a selection of fruit... in singapore i got dragonfruit and stuff. What's with the f**king oranges? This really pissed me off! I paused for a minute:

'what on earth have i become?'

I don't think that money changes people for the better - i've seen my own personality change when i'm on a bit of a spending spree and i'm not comfortable. So maybe my guilt at spending so much cash is a sign that whilst i've indulged in some flashcash rich brat tendencies i am still someone who has a little attitude towards money. My face will always wrinkle at $250 dollar lunch for two. I will always get back to my hotel room with 25 shopping bags thinking 'what a waste!'

.... and rightly so!

Mediation Technique: Talk to your Intuition

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 11:16:00 +0000

Ever feel grumpy? Sad? Frustrated? Annoyed? Mopey? .... and not had a clue why?

Then i have a great meditation for you! What is great about this meditation is that you don't need to go too deeply into the 'zone' (which is always so so hard when were grumpy/sad/frustrated, etc!)

So here it is:

Setting the Scene:
Imagine yourself on a mountain somewhere. It's a hostile environment, snowing, scary and exposed to the wind! You're high up the mountain and freaked out about falling.

Imagine this scene vividly. When i do it, i can feel the snow biting on my face. I can feel the hard, smoothness of the rock i am clinging too, i can feel my stomach turning when i looked down, i can feel my lungs go sharp when i breathe in the freezing air. Plus the noise of the snow on my padded jacket.

Make the the colors, smells, sensations as real as possible.

Further into the cave
You walk a bit further, stumbling in the awful conditions, until you find a cave. The cave is sheltered and you go inside - you know you're safe now, you are totally removed from the harsh elements of the mountain. The cave is deep and has lighting. You walk through the cave, following the lighting. You are not scared at all anymore.

Make this experience as real as possible - i imagine a faint dripping sound and the slight smell of dampness of the air in the cave. I feel the uneven rocks under my mountaineering boots. I can hear the wind howling outside.

The Room
You come to a room, there is an old man/woman (whatever works for you!) inside. For me, the room is warm, bright, protected, luxurious, with a glowing warm fire, there are soft fur rugs everywhere. The old man gives me warm juices and a thick warm blanket to wrap myself in. He is so kind and caring and smiles at me with kind eyes.

I feel the softness of the blanket and my cheeks getting blushed with the heat from the fire. I can taste the warm juice he gives me.

He asks me how i am. And that's when my subconscious speaks! I respond to the question. It is 100% my response but a more mature, insightful, sensible voice than usual self - my ego has been cut out of the conversation. Me and the old guy talk a little while. Out of this conversation comes whatever has been troubling me. Usually it's not big stuff - because it's always quite obvious when something like that is worrying you. Don't try and force the voice, just wait patiently until it bubbles up. If it doesn't come straight away - keep watching the fire or just feel safe and secure in this room.

Here are some of the conclusions that i've reached using this technique:

- I'm annoyed that i keep having to put my life on hold until after a certain date
- I feel powerless about a situation
- I've failed a couple of times and i'm scared to try this thing again
- I'm apprehensive about a trip i'm about to take

Once you know what the problem is - you can soothe yourself, like you would an unsettled child. I have found this such a powerful thought tool... without having to sit in the lotus position humming 'ommmmmmm'

Love this quote...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 17:32:00 +0000

"Failure is a trickster with a keen sense of irony and cunning. It takes great delight in tripping one up when success is almost within reach."

Napoleon Hill - Think and Grow Rich

Why i am not a buddhist...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 08:51:00 +0000

Buddhism has always been something that i have been very interested in. But there have been two things that have stopped me diving right in and declaring myself a buddhist.

You see, i like the peace, the kindness, the compassion for humanity - and i believe i subscribe to all of these ways of life wholeheartedly. The mindfulness and the universal love-ness of buddhism just touched me at a time when i so needed it in my life.

But there are two things that i can't quite get to grips with:

1. No magic.
I'm a spiritual being and like a bit of magic in my beliefs. Think of 'The Secret' and 'Think and Grow Rich' these basically teach that YOU set the direction and nature/ the universe/ god/ whomever shows up with the goods. I believe this, i cherish this and i'm so totally grateful for life's magicness. In the buddha's teaching - the magic is in the philosophy but not in the air. The Buddha would have said that subscribing to the 'The Secret' ticks off two of the three poisons (greed and delusion). Personally, i need to believe in the magic. Particle physics is 'magic'... existence is indeed 'magic'. I need to wake up every morning knowing that i will interact with the unexplained!

2. Being desireless
The buddha taught that you had to rid yourself of all desire to be free from suffering. I agree with this. But then all modern teaching tell us that desire leads to everything good. The first chapter of Think and Grow Rich is basically about letting desire consume you until you get what you want. Tony Robbin's 'The Edge' tells you to get disturbed about whatever you want to change - which means tapping into your suffering at its most raw level. The Secret tells us that our desire and beliefs come into fruition through the law of attraction.

But the thing that always bothered me: the buddha was a great man that achieved great things. He spent 45 years of his life passing on his teachings, opening monasteries, giving sermons, talking to people about his ideas. If the buddha was desireless would he done any of this or would he just have hung out under his Bo tree in a state of blissful nibbana?! He wanted to rid the world of suffering - there is no greater desire than that, but that is still a desire. Ultimately, the buddha is defined by his desire! He is famed for his desire and worked for 45 years to pursue it! Anyone else see the paradox in that?

What i do love about buddhism is that i can question this... ask what other people think, debate, discuss and then reach my own conclusion. I will not burn in a fire of eternal hell for identifying a blip. And that is why i love buddhist philosophy so much and i'm l---------l <-- *that* close from being a buddhist!

Three important rules for a great life!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 14:21:00 +0000

I have developed three simple rules that seem to get me through any of life humps and bumps. I shared them with a friend over dinner a couple of nights ago and wanted to share them with you too!

Rule 1. It's okay
Whatever you feel, whatever you want to do, wherever you're 'at' - it's okay!
We're always so hard on ourselves.... for no real reason.
I figure, that you would not scorn a friend for messing up once in a while, for dropping desert on their pants, for locking themselves out their house, for wanting to quit a class or for forgetting to buy toothpaste at the store. I wouldn't would NEVER be harsh to someone else for doing stuff like this - but we're all too often harsh on ourselves. So, wherever you're at 'It's okay' you're somewhere on life's path. It's all right... go easy on yourself. If you screw up - it's okay.. just learn from it! Say it to yourself 'it's okay'

2. It's not as bad as you think it is... plus it's temporary
I can think of soooo many times in my life when i've been in an utter rage... a couple of days later i can't even remember what i was so furious about. I try hard to remember - but nope! Over time, i've learned from this - stuff is never as bad as you think it is. Every cloud has a silver lining, but sometimes, when we're running for cover from the rain the silver lining is so hard to see.
Whatever bad thing you're suffering from, also remember that everything in life is temporary! Closing my eyes, saying something like: 'this soon will pass' over a few deep breaths is like prozac to me!

3. Everything always works out, always.
No... not a typo! The 'always' is meant to be in there twice - because that is the word that needs to be underlined here.

I have never experienced anything that hasn't work out in the end. Just the other day... i was eating lunch with a work colleague. I was laughing and joking about how i once had a formal complaint made about me to this board of directors. Suddenly, i thought - 'my god, i can't believe i'm joking about this.... this was one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me at work.. i was convinced that this would kill off my career'.

I thought about it and then realized all the positive things that had come from this formal complaint. For example: It instilled a new sense of trust in my manager at the time - who backed me up 200% without a nanosecond of doubt. It made me work harder to protect myself against future complaints and do more 'due diligence' activities. I also had to defend myself against the Board. Let me tell you - once you've been through that experience - presentations, key notes, hard conversations - these things are all a piece of cake. This happened 7 years ago, but that experience made me grow a backbone of steel very quickly (like wolverine being injected with adamantium!) Rather than ruin my career - i think it made me what i am today!

So, i want to say: Thank you J. Swinburn for lodging the official complaint against me. I was so anger I could have stabbed you to death 7 years ago... but you were an angel in disguise and i am truly grateful! Thank you :-)

LIstening to your hunches and improving your personal luck!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 07:20:00 +0000

I have been reading the book 'The Luck Factor' by Dr. Richard Wiseman. Among it's many interesting insights into the world of lucky and unlucky people, there is one observation that struck a chord with me. The basic idea is that lucky people both listen and follow their hunches/intuition more, whereas, unlucky people may still have the same hunches or 'a bad feeling' but they will override their reservations because they want something so badly.

For example - What if 'James' is single, lonely and felt like he had a huge 'hole' in his life because he doesn't have a partner. Someone suddenly starts to show interest in James... this new person doesn't tick all the boxes, but they're oookkkaaay. They always show up late to dates with a questionable excuse, they were needlessly aggressive with the waiter because something was off the menu, they always seem short of cash and take money from others with ease and they also have a problem or drama!

Any one of these behaviors would be a huge alarm bell for me. Always showing up late with an excuse is a sign of passive-aggressive behavior, being aggressive with a waiter is a sign of a short fuse and alpha-type behavior (in both sexes) and being bad with money on a day-to-day basis is a big sign of emotional immaturity and avoidance of responsibility.

But... if James really wanted love - he would override all these alarm bells. He would ultimately ignore his intuition and justify his involvement by accentuating all the good points of the relationship. James would basically override all red flags and see what he want to see because he is so desperate for love.

The same goes for a bad investment decision, or a bad career decision or a bad family decision. Unlucky people override their instincts to chase their acute needs.

But our instincts are ancient cognitive systems inherited from our bear-wrestling ancestors and optimized to keep us safe from all threats. If we went with our instincts all the time - we would all be unnecessarily risk averse. So where's the equilibrium?

I think it's easier to weigh up the risks and opportunities of life when you show up to the world 'whole' rather than 'with holes'. People 'with holes' are constantly trying to fill themselves up with external factors - achievements, money, love, success, attention, drugs, alcohol, etc. But if you're already 'whole' your need for love, money, attention, a glittering career is less if you already believe that you have everything the universe has to offer. I believe we were all born 'full' and 'whole' but sometimes we allow the bullets of life to shoot holes in our soul and most of us need to reconnect with our wholeness.

To up your luck, you need to show up to life as the very best person you could be. Like attracts like - the greater you are yourself the more your confidence and magnetism will warn off insecure people who are more likely to take advantage and abuse your relationship. Being great yourself will attract more 'whole' people into your life - who will help you attune your lucky instincts and help you notice red flags.

As we're fast learning in all areas of life - the key to external success lies within internal development of your psychology and spirit.

Ethical Employment: Career Choices

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 09:57:00 +0000

About a year ago, after the financial meltdown - there were all sorts of articles in the newspapers about how evil bankers were. I remember at the time (having spent some of my career in 'evil' financial services) that this was rather simplified generalization used to stir all non-bankers into a mob mentality.

The fact is, i've thought a lot about how my own employment can affect the wider world. The conclusion that you could probably do more good for the world being employed in an 'unethical company' than, say, having an organic farm.

I figure there are three different ways to think about this:

1. Choose an ethical trade which you can be passionate about and go to bed every night believing that you have contributed good.

2. Choose whatever profession you want - realize that it may be not contribute positively to the world at large. But ensure you make your mark somewhere else - charity work, spiritual work or reaching out to someone.

3. Choose an unethical trade and make it better from the inside out. The easiest way to change something is from the inside.

I don't mean that on your first day of work you should start whistle blowing, kicking off or ramming your opinions down everyone's throats (because you won't last there that long!) But adding morals, advocacy, questioning and pro activity at every part of the value chain will add so much value. Asking someone the question 'is this an ethical thing to do?' will encourage people to stop and think (even just for a nanosecond initially) and will often empower others who had not had the strength to question before.

This is what i've strived to do in any situation. I've tried not to be some evangelic preacher about my opinions but i've always strived to add ethics, values and morals wherever i go!

Are bankers evil? Maybe a few are!
But during my career some of the nastiest people i have met have been working in animal shelters and academia!

Prayer for Japan

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 16:55:00 +0000

We hope you feel the love and compassion from the rest of the world - all our thoughts are with you

May your losses dull with time
May comfort numb your pain
May you become free from your chains of grief
May your anger turn to understanding
My your tears turn to hope
May you remember those who are lost with love
May you reach for god to give you the strength to start again

How far do you want to go?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 16:43:00 +0000

I just booked a holiday for 3 weeks time. I cannot wait!

You see, travel is my temple. When i travel, my world opens up to new experiences, new sights, sounds, tastes, climates, views, people, languages, foods, customs, etc. When i'm traveling I experience this piece of total inner calm that stays for days.

More accurately whenever i travel two things happen:

1) I am more creative
I am able to express myself in new ways. Suddenly, i can find my way around problems that have been plaguing me. I have this surging creative energy that flows around me. I remember going on a 3 week holiday to South America and having to take a hard piece of work with me. In the solace of my rented holiday apartment, i managed to finish the piece of work in half an hour. It was amazing - i was convinced that piece of work would set me back 1 of my 3 precious weeks.

New doorways open up in my head and new possibilities, new opportunities just flick in and out of my mind like little fireworks! When i return from travels i feel: a little older, a little wiser, happier, smiler, bigger and that i have something more to bring to the table. As well as more tools to face the world with.

2) My brain resets
When i travel, i am able to let go of the past. My adult angst and struggles just float away. It gives me the opportunity to reboot my whole system. Even though i may be very busy on holiday and travel can be exhausting - i am still able to reset my head. I feel calm, yet adventurous and I'm acutely reminded of the life i want to live. I think of all these little things i could do when i get back home which will improve the quality of my life. All my best plots are hatched during my travels!

When you clear the baggage in your mind - you create some space. We all know that nature abhors a vacuum, so suddenly my head gets filled with good stuff!

I have so much to thank my travels for! I do not think i'd be the same person if i'd just stayed at home. The further i go, the more i grow and i'm so grateful for what i have learned. In the book 'Eat, Pray, Love' Elizabeth Gilbert finds sanctuary, spiritual enlightenment, love and herself during a year of traveling.

Therefore, when i asked 'how far do you want to go?' - i mean both in your travels, but also in yourself, because the two are closely linked. You cannot help but grow when you travel!

Ethical Employment: the power of teamwork!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 16:56:00 +0000

As a teenager I worked in a small town take-away, there was a regular customer who was the head of tax for a huge international company. He was worth absolute gazillions! Yet, he was this quiet guy: small, slight, geeky. I was amazed when i found out that he was incredibly religious and spent most his weekends helping to restore his local church.

At the time, I didn't think being successful and spiritual were congruent. You either had success or god loved you. I'd always thought that success and making money was the flip slide of having a soul!

As i've got older, i remember this small, quiet, tax guy and i've tried to balance my success with my spirituality. I think that i've identified the way to be successful and high achieving, yet still feel comfortable in my own skin at the end of the day.

So the balance is - you have got to switch your mind from:

'me me me me me'
to
'we we we we we'

You have to let other people win! Sure you can win too and you can win with them, but as soon as you surrender your need to win/be the best/ earn the most/ get the best bonus... funny things start to happen. It's as if you level-up on some cosmic karma scale!

Letting other people win aswell means that you ditch your jealousy. You are not jealous of someone else's success because you noticed it, permitted it and encouraged it. If someone you've supported gets an achievement then surely it's your success too?! Just like a soccer game!

Letting grip of your jealousy means you feel comfortable in your own skin - you're not insecure, you don't have to badmouth or feel envy because someone else got to go in the spotlight.

Plus, by wanting everyone to win, you're suddenly 10000x more likable (even if you were likable before!) Who doesn't want to be friends with someone who is rooting for them? People respect you, people trust you and people want to be with you.

And... what happens next?! More opportunities just flood your way.

You can still keep your ego in your back pocket and cradle it whenever you're feeling blue - but giving out your love, support and encouragement to all ultimately brings abundance, wealth and opportunities to your door! You gotta love that!!!

I make a lot of money these days - but i still show up with love, support and energy for all those i encounter! Ultimately, i think this is what i get paid for!

What's the plan? Reducing your emotional wobbles

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 16:08:00 +0000

We all have wobbles!

These 'wobbles' are dark moments where we say to ourselves 'what the hell am i doing?'

During these times, we berate ourselves, we wonder what on earth we were thinking, we hate everything, there is no light and we have trouble seeing anything positive through the thick blanket of negativity.

This is why it is so important to write down your plans and your aims. It gives you something to fall back on when the chips are down. When you're mid-wobble you can get out your written list and remember what you are working towards and why you are going through all this pain.

Life has pain! The more ambitious you are as a person, the more you want to achieve and grow - the more growing pains you will have! Working on a strategy to lessen the impact of this pain and keep you moving forward despite your wobbles - is a smart move that will only take 5 minutes to implement. It's a quick win!

Once you made a big decision - write down your 'reasons why'. This will help counteract any guilt and regret that may show up later. In a lonesome evening with no one around but a bottle chardonnay for company, looking back at '10 reasons why i go divorced' adds a firm grounding to tipsy, lonely melancholy. During every property development job, i fall back on my 'why i bought this house' list. When undertaking a property development, this list is as important as a wallpaper stripper and a screwdriver - because developing a property is seldom wobble-free and i need a tool to keep me firmly on track!

I first learned the power of a written record when i first emigrated in my late 20s. Despite emigration being something that i had *always* wanted to do, I found the whole experience incredibly hard and some days i was just ready to get on the next flight home. One day, i wrote a list of all the reasons i had emigrated (there were about 15), i kept this on my bedside table until the day i left. That scrappy yellowing piece of paper with mug stains and curling corners, documented all my reasons to leaving and kept me on track through some very hard 'wobbles.' I think that it was so effective because it had: experience reasons, material reasons, relationship reasons, spiritual reasons, cultural reasons, etc. My pragmatic list-making mind could pre-empt and counteract whatever flavor of wobble i was having at any particular time!

Whatever you are going through - i wholly recommend that you write down either the plan or your reasons for your big choice! It will save you a wobble or 2!

Luck is a mindset

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 11:03:00 +0000

I firmly believe that luck is something that can be learned. Luck is a competence! You can tell from someone's speech patterns if they've learned how to be lucky.

My friend, Milly has had some awful luck of late but over a cappuccino yesterday, she laughed:

'I've definitely had my quota of bad stuff for the year already. Therefore, statistically, I know that something amazing must be just around the corner. So i'm going to get my hair cut and buy some new clothes today so at least i'm well presented when i get my treat.'

Milly is a lucky person, she's a glass half full gal who hasn't indulged herself in being a victim. Instead, she knows that this bad spell can't last forever and she's looking ahead to the next installment of her life (with new hair and clothes!)

Luck happens when we do all the right things we were put on this earth for: compassion, love, friendship, laughter, passion, giving and hard work. I love the Thomas Jefferson quote: 'The harder i work the luckier i get'

Today, open your mind to a bit of luck! And make it a habit!

How to cure all problems with life laws....

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 08:49:00 +0000

Einstein once said:

'If the answer is simple, then god has answered.'

We often spend all our time deeply buried in the complexities and nuances of our particular life and the lives of those around us. We regularly lose sight of the crystal clear 'laws of life' that can be summed up so easily:

Weight loss: Eat Less, Do more
Achievement: You reap what you sow
Perseverance: Try, try and try again
Finding love: No one can love you until you love yourself
Any problem: Change it - or change the way you feel about it!

Easy, huh?
So, why aren't most people slim, high achieving, persistent, in love, problem free 'living the dream.

1) People don't try
They don't realize that life is their slave and it is not the other way around. As a child, my dad used to say to me 'the likes of us don't do that'. He thought it was his job to drill into me that there were locked doors that people from low-socioeconomic classes simply could not open. Or levels of achievement that 'people like us' were simply not capable. Of course, i decided to completely ignore him and open every one of those doors to prove him wrong. But i can say with confidence, that for whatever reason, my father never ever tried! I don't think he ever knew that we can all raise our game!

2) People love a drama
Lots of people do 'try' and they should be applauded each day of their lives! (I really mean that!! If you are committed to improving your life - i send you love and blessings everyday. I hope you get them!)

However, people believe that turmoil is part of life. We are conditioned to think that people who breeze through life and get whatever they desire are 'cheating' - we have expressions for this - 'they're born with a silver spoon in their mouth', 'they're born under a lucky star' and 'they always come out smelling of roses'. People don't always want some jerk like me giving them a 5 word smartass answer to help them resolve their troubles. They want some slack to have a bit of artists' torment. They have chosen not to cultivate a more positive emotional response. Who'd have thought you can have fun losing weight? Who'd have thought finding love is a bit like a fun treasure hunt? We don't need to be all angsty about every blip. I strongly believe: luck is a competence!

3) We put our 'self' into the equation
We read the life law: 'eat less, do more' but then our mind races and we think about: past weight loss failures, our friend who is much slimmer but eats everything in sight, the time we ate 3 whole tubs of icecream when we didn't get *that* job, how the other kids laughed at us in our physical ed class at school, how mom's homemade cookies always made us feel safe, the photo when you got caught bending over (eeek!), how we're worried about loosing too much weight and becoming anorexic, etc, etc, etc. We just pile so much of 'us' onto these 4 little words of wisdom that the meaning collapses under the weight of the associated baggage.

Most of my life-coaching work focuses on the lifting the weight of some of this baggage, removing the 'tortured artist' from the equation and exhuming the uber-simple 'life law' that sits behind it and then working on the 'how?'.