From the Foreword to Face Forward: Meeting Challenges Head on in Times of Trouble by Michele Howe Clarke

Stop. Right now. Stop for just one moment. Your life is about to change. Your thinking will be altered forever, if you are willing.

These pages are inviting you to stop and realize what really matters. To stop and see how good you actually have it. To stop and consider what you really want to do with your life. You will be reminded to tell those you love that you love them. You will appreciate things you normally take for granted. You will have a new perspective on your life. Maybe… for a moment, if you choose.

See, it’s human nature to forget how good we have it. It’s human nature to complain about our lives whether in whispers to ourselves, or publically at the top of our lungs. It’s human nature to get caught up in the details of life while we miss the glory that is all around us. Then one day, if calamity strikes, our world, as we know it comes screeching to a halt.

Michele Howe Clarke’s world stopped with the breathtaking news she had cancer. She writes, “My mortal innocence stolen, I was no longer invincible.” As she comes to terms with her mortality, she reaches out her hand and invites us along. With grace, humor and perspective, she shares her humanity and exemplifies the true meaning of courage. Real courage is all of it – feeling the fear, rage, devastation and horror and continuing on anyway. Through the darkness of her journey, she learns to see the beauty of life. Each time she glances in the mirror or catches someone staring at her deformity, she is forced to face what she has lost. As she masterfully tells her tale, we realize, she is speaking to us. When we know she has chosen to commit to living – not just surviving, but actually thriving, we can breathe a sigh of relief for her – and we are then faced with the choice to look at our own lives.

Michele has walked through what most of us can barely imagine. Just when it seems like it can’t get any worse another dreadful trial emerges to derail her once full and successful life.

However, Michele has transformed her calamity into a zest for life coupled with a desire to serve the world. She takes on the issue of our cultural vanity with a vengeance. She is rigorous with herself, yet gentle with us. As her physical wounds slowly and painfully heal, she in turn peels back the layers of what she once held so precious, beginning with her smile and continuing deeper to her soul. She bravely confesses her over-reliance on her beauty as a way to connect and be liked. Yet, through the loss of her glorious smile, she discovers something more – she discovers what she is really made of and what has actually been there all along.

Our challenge is not to remain a spectator as we read. I challenge you! Allow this story to impact you. Allow your heart to be opened. Allow it to refresh your spirit.

Michele kindly softens the blow for us. She knows we might distance ourselves from her pain, which may very well cause us to miss this gift. She graciously gives us time to reflect as we read by providing sections where we can stop and consider. Speaking directly to our heart, she offers profound teachings such as dealing powerfully with our own personal turning points; seeing our self-defeating habits as a “Ponzi Scheme”; as well as advice on how to deal with our ever-chattering ego.

To further support us, Clarke has also designed 21 powerful insights for us to thrive.

Will we take her message, teaching and wisdom to heart? Will we actually allow another’s trauma, struggle and triumph to enrich our lives? Maybe. It will take something. Predictably, we will put this book down, walk back into our lives and forget. Gradually, the effect may subside. We will go on with our days, our schedules, and our plans. We will get angry at the traffic, or the weather, or our spouse, or the dog. And, we will forget that for a moment we remembered what really matters.

May we never be faced with a life-threatening diagnosis or be left with physical disfigurement. Yet perhaps, in this moment, we will stop and take Michele Howe Clarke’s wise words to heart. Right now, we could commit to wake up, to live the life we are here to live and to make the difference we are here to make. We could love ourselves as we are, accept our pain and our struggles and we could begin to “Face Forward”.

What are you waiting for? What are any of us waiting for?

It’s human to wait. It’s natural to pause. It’s understandable to be afraid. Yet, the tragedy is that so many die with their music still inside them. I am sure Whitney Houston died with some music left in her. My ex-beloved Larry Withall overdosed and died 10 years ago with a lot of music left inside him. And, some people simply live asleep, dying every day with their music inside them.

If you think I am implying that I never wait any longer, you are quite mistaken. I wait. I get afraid. I doubt with the best of them. And, I know I am here for more. After becoming an author (with no evidence I could do that and many many sleepless nights!), my willingness to jump into the unknown lead me to hosting my radio show “What Are YOU Waiting For?”

Over the past 3 ½ years I have interviewed hundreds of luminaries and leaders in the field of leaping. With each interview I learn about life, how similar we all are, I hear the common struggle of dealing with our “stuff” and I get to witness the immense commitment to do good in the world which propels many of us past our limitations.

So, whether you are at the edge and ecstatic…flying mid-air and freaked out… or waxing poetic as you plummet, I want you to know I have been there – and still find myself there with some frequency…

Now you can join me on the 2nd and 4th Thursday’s of the month beginning on February 9th, 2012 on the Contact Talk Radio Network.

We will explore the fascinating world of those who “wait” and those who “jump” – that rocky but rich precipice of personal and spiritual development.

Welcome to What Are YOU Waiting For? The show that has you jump!

Definition:
Self-Help Junkie

verb: A way of being

noun: One who is drawn to self-improvement and the betterment of their life and the lives of others yet forgets where the answers are.

Symptoms:
Enjoys expanding, growing and learning. 
Yet finds themselves restless, irritable and discontent. Always striving, hoping … waiting.

Now, are you ready? Are you willing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?  Get out a pen and paper!

How many self-help books do you own?

1. 1-20
2. 21-50
3. 51-100
4. More than I can count…

What percentage of those books have you actually read… and put into practice?

1. 0, none, nil, nada…
2. < 25%
3. < 50%
4. < 75%
5. I have read every single one of them and put them all into practice. I am good!
6. Books, what books? I find them to be useful flyswatters.

How many workshops, coaching programs, retreats have you attended? How many coaches, gurus, mentors have you worked with?

1. 0-5
2. 6-10
3. 11-20
4. 21+++++
5. But I haven’t found the right one yet… I know the right (fill in the blank) is out there. I WILL keep searching! I know it’s time to put this into practice, for real!

Keep telling the truth… Yes, this is meant to be fun and playful AND also to give you an opportunity to see if you are a self-help junkie… Are you endlessly seeking and not finding? Do you ever let yourself “arrive”?

After reading “Eat, Pray, Love” you became crystal clear what was missing in your life—you need a guru and to spend a month in silent meditation at an Ashram in India.

1. Yes
2. No
3. How did you know?
4. I don’t want to admit this to myself or anyone even in the privacy of my own home!

You know more information about the top self-help authors than you do about your local politicians.

1. Oh yeah, you know it!
2. That aint cool!
3. I hate politics so I am choosing to be ignorant.
4. Elizabeth Gilbert for President!

You think you are a Buddhist, but you don’t really know what that means…

1. I love the Buddha
2. I am the Buddha
3. I don’t know what that means

You could own a small island in the Caribbean for the amount of money you have spent on seminars, retreats, coaches, workshops and books.

1. On second thought…. I choose the island!
2. How did I get here???
3. Yes, this IS true. And, I received great value.

After each course you take, you claim that you now know that you are perfect just as you are… but then you hear about this new course that really sounds perfect and you secretly think, maybe this one will be IT…

1. I know I am perfect just the way I am!
2. Yes, I continually fall into this behavior… will I ever learn???

Even your coach tells you to stop reading self-help books (and you are not sure you can…)

1. That darn coach, he/she just doesn’t understand!
2. I know I should stop!
3. Help me!
4. My story – ie: You are NOT alone!

See, those descriptions are all mine. Exaggerated but at the same time true. In my bestselling book, Waiting for Jack: Confessions of a Self-Help Junkie – How to Stop Waiting and Start Living Your Life, I demonstrate how we can break free from the self-help treadmill. There IS nothing wrong with the journey; it’s that some of us get lost in the searching. And there’s nothing wrong with that either (it may be an important part of our process) but for some of us we never quite get there when in truth we were there all along.

Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote, “many people die with their music still inside them.” He goes on to say, “Why is this so? It is too often that they are getting ready to live.

Looking at your life as a whole, rate your level of satisfaction with your life:

1. Very Dissatisfied
2. Somewhat Dissatisfied
3. Not satisfied or dissatisfied
4. Somewhat Satisfied
5. Very Satisfied

Write down, what are you grateful for in your life? What do you really LOVE about your life?

Now ask yourself – What am I Waiting For?

It really is time to stop waiting and start living.

Starting today, you can accomplish your dreams without having to “get somewhere”. You don’t have to die with your music still inside you! Take some time to review your answers.

What are you willing to do today to remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you?

I invite you to join me in the journey through my book (Waiting for Jack) and my radio show What Are YOU Waiting For?

From one self-help junkie to the next, I wish you well!  And, I invite you to take the pledge!

PLEDGE:

I commit to remember that I am whole, complete and perfect. I take the pledge. I will practice remembering from here on out.

1. Yes
2. No
3. Maybe after just one more course…

In an ancient Sufi parable, a tinsmith is wrongly imprisoned. To bring comfort, his clever wife delivers a prayer rug to his jail cell. Each day he rests his head on the rug as he prays while lamenting his predicament and proclaiming his innocence. One day, something catches his eye. After weeks of being so close to the rug, he sees what he hasn’t noticed before. His wife has masterfully woven a secret design in the rug that contains the code to the lock on his jail cell.

Realizing his potential freedom, he bribes the guards to deliver him tools promising them trinkets they can sell for profit. Meticulously, he fashions a key to unlock his cell. And one day when the guards are off bragging about their trinkets, he escapes.

This parable has many lessons including our false imprisonment created by our self-imposed limitations. So often we examine our problems so closely and we miss the bigger picture.

Once the tinsmith sees the pattern, he begins to experience freedom. He then takes action, by cleverly and patiently obtaining the tools and material he needs, while having to bribe the guards and preoccupy them. He fashions a key and patiently waits for the right moment for his escape.

Then, when the time was right, he jumped into action – and found true freedom.

On the other hand, a self-help junkie would have:

• Become entranced with the pattern in the rug – wallowing in its beauty and intricacy – much the same way we get fascinated with our which leads to a fascination with our insights.

• Then, beat themselves up for not seeing the pattern right away.

• Looked at their past to see how it was they could have missed something so obvious – and placed the blame on their 3rd grade teacher who never gave them a chance.

• Lamented over the times when they doubted the love of their wife.

• Become concerned about the guards not liking them after they make their escape.

• Realized they felt safer imprisoned where the world is certain versus making their escape into an unpredictable world.

• Been so absorbed in the internal drama that they feel compelled to process their feelings so they tell the guards about their discovery.

The self-help junkie stays imprisoned in their insights, never allowing themselves to take action. And then, makes themselves wrong for that.

I re-tell this parable to bring perspective and poke fun at those of us who get caught in the endless cycle of trying to fix ourselves. When we realize we aren’t broken, and therefore can’t be “fixed” then true growth can happen. We all have things that stand in the way of our effectiveness and full self-expression. There is nothing wrong with wanting more clarity and freedom. We just need to realize that the length of time we stay in our self-imposed prison cell is up to us.

Tell me about the strangeness of your mind. Tell me about how after 40 years of study, you still have extreme moments of self-doubt and question your sanity. Then, I will follow you.

We are infinite possibility, we are limitless potential, we are connected to all living things. Yes, and… We are shits, assholes and worse. We spill coffee on our shirts as we are going to an interview. We flip off the driver behind us who gets a little close to our tail. We forget to call our mom. And, much, much worse. And, we are funny.

I look at my bookshelves and they contain a lot of nice books with beautiful words. And, I am tired of most of them. Except maybe Bird by Bird. Anne Lamott is very funny.

Please don’t inspire me, instead, make me laugh. Inspiration is a dime a dozen these days. Mid-way through my forties, I can say that what I really want is humor. Please. Humor with depth. Farts are always funny (as my husband would say) but give me the humor of someone who has been there, done that and continues to do so. Then, I think I will laugh.

Turning left means the unknown, risk, potential embarrassment, or perhaps not being liked. It definitely means change and will lead to growth. It will be unsettling at times. And, this choice is one of the hardest ones we ever make. The catch is, it’s not as if we can choose once and then never have to choose again. There is no resting on our laurels in this game. Complacency and comfort await us at every turn, beckoning us to return to the safe harbor.

The reason we have such a struggle is that we forget who we really are. We hold on so tightly to a concept of who we think we are. Yet this concept and the holding constricts us, often strangles us. We think we can really be hurt. We are convinced that we can be. And, I am certainly not saying that there will not be pain

We live carefully, safely. We play small yet we want more. And it’s just what we do. Once we see that we do this, we can choose something else but when we start making it wrong that we do this, we are merely back to chasing our tail. We aren’t getting anywhere except more of the same.

As the year draws to a close, I challenge you to turn the other way.  Take a different approach, head another direction.  It’s time we turned ourselves around.

What does it even mean? An ability to continue, to maintain? We ask questions such as: can we sustain? Do we have the resources to last? Will we run out? Can we conserve enough and in time? Can we live consciously yet not live in lack?

Most importantly, we need to ask if we apply any of this to ourselves: to our own internal state or internal process. It’s cool to talk about sustainability, be are we living that way ourselves? Or are we going and going, running and running? Are we working long hours, not taking breaks. Are we disconnected from our environment?

I live in a solar powered, off-grid home. We are self-sustaining. We generate our own power through solar panels, batteries to store the power and a backup generator which, yes, the propane company comes and fills.

Off the grid, disconnected, independent… the interesting thing is, it is actually more efficient to store power on the grid. We need the grid, to be maximally efficient; we need to be connected to the grid. The metaphor – when we are too “independent” we are actually less efficient. We need each other. We need to generate our own power and share power with others.

And to switch metaphors, efficiency also means balanced. If we are not living with balance, we are not practicing sustainability. I spend long hours at my computer, often ignoring the aches in my body and sometimes so disconnected that I don’t even know the aches exist until the end of the day.

Looking at balance—consider the major areas of life and ask yourself the following questions:

Career—

• Do you love what you do?

• Are you contributing in a way you find to be meaningful?

Relationships—

• Are you in a nurturing partnership?

• If not, why not?

• Do you want to be?

• What’s getting in your way?

Friendships—

• Do you have close friends?

• Do you spend time with them?

Money—

• What is your relationship with money?

• Do you have debt? Are you paying it off?

• Do you have a budget?

• Do you never seem to have enough?

Physical—

• What is your exercise schedule like? Do you enjoy it?

• How is your energy level?

• What are your food choices?

• Do you have aches and pains?

Leisure—

• How do you nurture yourself?

• What do you enjoy doing? Do you do this regularly?

• Do you vacation?

Home—

• How do you feel about your home?

• Do you take care of it?

• Are there broken things? Piles? Messes?

Spiritual Connection—

• What do you do to nurture your spirituality?

• Do you pray, meditate, belong to a church?

• Do you feel connected to something bigger?

Community—

• Are you a part of your community? What do you do?

• Do you make a difference in the world? How?

Nature—

• What is your connection like with nature?

• What do you do to cultivate this?

Often we have areas of our lives that we give a lot of attention and these areas work well. Then we have some that are out of balance. To be truly sustainable, we need to come to balance in all areas. This doesn’t mean being perfect. It does mean that we are paying attention, we are aware. We don’t live in denial. We don’t sweep major issues under the carpet. We know that to truly live a sustainable life, we need to be balanced in mind, body and spirit.

Sustainability should be considered the baseline for our lives. If we really want to live, we need to thrive, not simply survive.

Wherever you stand in the “we need to save the planet” view point. In the long run, if we aren’t living sustainably ourselves, we may save the planet, but lose the human race.

My darkness has shown up in many ways over my 45 years on this planet. From the brutal grips of addiction when I was younger, to facing the uncertainty of life through my own illnesses and the loss of loved ones, to the terror of extreme self-doubt created in my own mind.

Many of us become paralyzed by our own obsessive pattern of over-thinking.

My heart goes out to people who are so lost and trapped in this behavior that they may never see a way out. I mean never. Some are addicts who are trapped in their addiction. When in the middle of an addiction, vision is beyond clouded. There is no light. If it is there, it is a brief flicker, barely reliable. Others may not have the obvious traps, yet they remain forever stuck in self-hatred.

Recently, I receive a tragic email from a trapped person – a forlorn individual, writing to me in the middle of the night, expressing her aloneness, her desperation to feel “good enough” and her desire to be accepted. Feeling like she had nothing left to give, her life occurred like a desperate struggle for survival.

My heart aches for her. I seek the words to reach her with more than just a Band-Aid for her self-esteem. I know that transformation is possible, that a life can alter in an instant. I have seen it over and over again. Where previously there was darkness, a light comes on and a life alters. It is possible in a short period of time. However it requires a willingness to open the mind to consider that just maybe ones entire life of self-doubt and fear was simply a lie.

Will there be anything I can say to alleviate this persons suffering? Will she listen? If I throw out the lifeline, will she take it? Maybe in simply sharing, she experienced a temporary relief. Yet sometimes when we are so immersed in the story of our pain, the sharing only leads to more confirmation of the truth. It doesn’t give us perspective; it gives us more evidence that it is that way.

I chose to throw a lifeline. I reminded her she wasn’t alone. I suggested she seek help and acknowledged her courage for reaching out. I told her there was a light at the end of the tunnel – that I had seen it, lived it and experienced it.

Later, at the airport, I saw an elderly man literally shuffling toward his gate. He had a cane in each hand and his boarding pass gripped between his teeth. Slowly he would slide one foot forward, dragging it at an excruciatingly slow pace. Then he would repeat with the other foot. I watched him move towards his gate in this manner, one step at a time, a raw picture of determination and courage.

May we all find that determination within, not just to continue on, but also to thrive.

I never wanted to feel that way again! Therefore, I would never again speak in class without knowing the answer. My embarrassment was overwhelming. Even if I was sure I knew the answer, I would remain silent anyway. This behavior followed me throughout my life, even in graduate school where I earned straight A’s.

Years later, when I decided I wanted to be a public speaker, I had some work to do. If you really have the dream, then you must do what it takes to move through the fear.

Here is what worked for me:

• Do it anyway. The only way through, is through. No matter how much visualization, affirmation or positive thinking, nothing took the place of actually getting in front of people. Commit to get a group of people together and practice.
• Be willing to feel the anxiety. My palms would sweat, my heart would race, I would not be able to sleep.
• Be willing to fail. You may mess up. People may laugh or not get your message. Be willing to do it anyway.
• Bring humor. Laugh at yourself in your talk. Share your nervousness with the audience in the form of a story.
• Remember “this too shall pass”. Each thing we go through makes us stronger. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day you will see how far you have come and you will be amazed!

I still get nervous before I speak but I know it is my passion. I am willing to feel the discomfort. And it gets easier every time I do it.

All of our searching, waiting and looking outside ourselves for the answers is actually living life in a box.

What is a box?

A box can be an opinion, a point of view or our interpretation of how life is. It’s something we believe it be true. We don’t see the walls. We are convinced that it is just the way it is.

How we construct the box

Our experiences in life create boxes in which we live. We make decisions based on past experiences and from there, consciously or unconsciously, we determine how our lives are going to go. An event occurs and we say I don’t want that to happen again or I’m not doing that again. Like my early experience of getting the answer wrong in class and saying I will never raise my hand again. We transfer those old decisions into our current experience of life creating boxes. These influential moments shape our lives and the subsequent choices we make. We think we see life how it is but actually it is as Mark Epstein writes in Going on Being, “we experience the world through the filter of our minds.”

We make decisions about the world, other people or ourselves. “Men are just like that” is a box. “I don’t like ____” is a box. We shield ourselves from pain and uncertainty by creating a wall of opinions, strategies, emotions and views. Anything to protect our tender heart. As we attach meaning to these decisions, the walls of the box double and triple and we start living life smaller and playing safer. We end up with rules and a point of view about how to live. Then mostly what we do is react to life instead of actively creating our experience.

Today, meditate on the Sufi saying – remember we are looking for what is already here.