In an ancient Sufi parable, a tinsmith is wrongly imprisoned. To bring comfort, his clever wife delivers a prayer rug to his jail cell. Each day he rests his head on the rug as he prays while lamenting his predicament and proclaiming his innocence. One day, something catches his eye. After weeks of being so close to the rug, he sees what he hasn’t noticed before. His wife has masterfully woven a secret design in the rug that contains the code to the lock on his jail cell.

Realizing his potential freedom, he bribes the guards to deliver him tools promising them trinkets they can sell for profit. Meticulously, he fashions a key to unlock his cell. And one day when the guards are off bragging about their trinkets, he escapes.

This parable has many lessons including our false imprisonment created by our self-imposed limitations. So often we examine our problems so closely and we miss the bigger picture.

Once the tinsmith sees the pattern, he begins to experience freedom. He then takes action, by cleverly and patiently obtaining the tools and material he needs, while having to bribe the guards and preoccupy them. He fashions a key and patiently waits for the right moment for his escape.

Then, when the time was right, he jumped into action – and found true freedom.

On the other hand, a self-help junkie would have:

• Become entranced with the pattern in the rug – wallowing in its beauty and intricacy – much the same way we get fascinated with our which leads to a fascination with our insights.

• Then, beat themselves up for not seeing the pattern right away.

• Looked at their past to see how it was they could have missed something so obvious – and placed the blame on their 3rd grade teacher who never gave them a chance.

• Lamented over the times when they doubted the love of their wife.

• Become concerned about the guards not liking them after they make their escape.

• Realized they felt safer imprisoned where the world is certain versus making their escape into an unpredictable world.

• Been so absorbed in the internal drama that they feel compelled to process their feelings so they tell the guards about their discovery.

The self-help junkie stays imprisoned in their insights, never allowing themselves to take action. And then, makes themselves wrong for that.

I re-tell this parable to bring perspective and poke fun at those of us who get caught in the endless cycle of trying to fix ourselves. When we realize we aren’t broken, and therefore can’t be “fixed” then true growth can happen. We all have things that stand in the way of our effectiveness and full self-expression. There is nothing wrong with wanting more clarity and freedom. We just need to realize that the length of time we stay in our self-imposed prison cell is up to us.

Tell me about the strangeness of your mind. Tell me about how after 40 years of study, you still have extreme moments of self-doubt and question your sanity. Then, I will follow you.

We are infinite possibility, we are limitless potential, we are connected to all living things. Yes, and… We are shits, assholes and worse. We spill coffee on our shirts as we are going to an interview. We flip off the driver behind us who gets a little close to our tail. We forget to call our mom. And, much, much worse. And, we are funny.

I look at my bookshelves and they contain a lot of nice books with beautiful words. And, I am tired of most of them. Except maybe Bird by Bird. Anne Lamott is very funny.

Please don’t inspire me, instead, make me laugh. Inspiration is a dime a dozen these days. Mid-way through my forties, I can say that what I really want is humor. Please. Humor with depth. Farts are always funny (as my husband would say) but give me the humor of someone who has been there, done that and continues to do so. Then, I think I will laugh.

Turning left means the unknown, risk, potential embarrassment, or perhaps not being liked. It definitely means change and will lead to growth. It will be unsettling at times. And, this choice is one of the hardest ones we ever make. The catch is, it’s not as if we can choose once and then never have to choose again. There is no resting on our laurels in this game. Complacency and comfort await us at every turn, beckoning us to return to the safe harbor.

The reason we have such a struggle is that we forget who we really are. We hold on so tightly to a concept of who we think we are. Yet this concept and the holding constricts us, often strangles us. We think we can really be hurt. We are convinced that we can be. And, I am certainly not saying that there will not be pain

We live carefully, safely. We play small yet we want more. And it’s just what we do. Once we see that we do this, we can choose something else but when we start making it wrong that we do this, we are merely back to chasing our tail. We aren’t getting anywhere except more of the same.

As the year draws to a close, I challenge you to turn the other way.  Take a different approach, head another direction.  It’s time we turned ourselves around.

What does it even mean? An ability to continue, to maintain? We ask questions such as: can we sustain? Do we have the resources to last? Will we run out? Can we conserve enough and in time? Can we live consciously yet not live in lack?

Most importantly, we need to ask if we apply any of this to ourselves: to our own internal state or internal process. It’s cool to talk about sustainability, be are we living that way ourselves? Or are we going and going, running and running? Are we working long hours, not taking breaks. Are we disconnected from our environment?

I live in a solar powered, off-grid home. We are self-sustaining. We generate our own power through solar panels, batteries to store the power and a backup generator which, yes, the propane company comes and fills.

Off the grid, disconnected, independent… the interesting thing is, it is actually more efficient to store power on the grid. We need the grid, to be maximally efficient; we need to be connected to the grid. The metaphor – when we are too “independent” we are actually less efficient. We need each other. We need to generate our own power and share power with others.

And to switch metaphors, efficiency also means balanced. If we are not living with balance, we are not practicing sustainability. I spend long hours at my computer, often ignoring the aches in my body and sometimes so disconnected that I don’t even know the aches exist until the end of the day.

Looking at balance—consider the major areas of life and ask yourself the following questions:

Career—

• Do you love what you do?

• Are you contributing in a way you find to be meaningful?

Relationships—

• Are you in a nurturing partnership?

• If not, why not?

• Do you want to be?

• What’s getting in your way?

Friendships—

• Do you have close friends?

• Do you spend time with them?

Money—

• What is your relationship with money?

• Do you have debt? Are you paying it off?

• Do you have a budget?

• Do you never seem to have enough?

Physical—

• What is your exercise schedule like? Do you enjoy it?

• How is your energy level?

• What are your food choices?

• Do you have aches and pains?

Leisure—

• How do you nurture yourself?

• What do you enjoy doing? Do you do this regularly?

• Do you vacation?

Home—

• How do you feel about your home?

• Do you take care of it?

• Are there broken things? Piles? Messes?

Spiritual Connection—

• What do you do to nurture your spirituality?

• Do you pray, meditate, belong to a church?

• Do you feel connected to something bigger?

Community—

• Are you a part of your community? What do you do?

• Do you make a difference in the world? How?

Nature—

• What is your connection like with nature?

• What do you do to cultivate this?

Often we have areas of our lives that we give a lot of attention and these areas work well. Then we have some that are out of balance. To be truly sustainable, we need to come to balance in all areas. This doesn’t mean being perfect. It does mean that we are paying attention, we are aware. We don’t live in denial. We don’t sweep major issues under the carpet. We know that to truly live a sustainable life, we need to be balanced in mind, body and spirit.

Sustainability should be considered the baseline for our lives. If we really want to live, we need to thrive, not simply survive.

Wherever you stand in the “we need to save the planet” view point. In the long run, if we aren’t living sustainably ourselves, we may save the planet, but lose the human race.

My darkness has shown up in many ways over my 45 years on this planet. From the brutal grips of addiction when I was younger, to facing the uncertainty of life through my own illnesses and the loss of loved ones, to the terror of extreme self-doubt created in my own mind.

Many of us become paralyzed by our own obsessive pattern of over-thinking.

My heart goes out to people who are so lost and trapped in this behavior that they may never see a way out. I mean never. Some are addicts who are trapped in their addiction. When in the middle of an addiction, vision is beyond clouded. There is no light. If it is there, it is a brief flicker, barely reliable. Others may not have the obvious traps, yet they remain forever stuck in self-hatred.

Recently, I receive a tragic email from a trapped person – a forlorn individual, writing to me in the middle of the night, expressing her aloneness, her desperation to feel “good enough” and her desire to be accepted. Feeling like she had nothing left to give, her life occurred like a desperate struggle for survival.

My heart aches for her. I seek the words to reach her with more than just a Band-Aid for her self-esteem. I know that transformation is possible, that a life can alter in an instant. I have seen it over and over again. Where previously there was darkness, a light comes on and a life alters. It is possible in a short period of time. However it requires a willingness to open the mind to consider that just maybe ones entire life of self-doubt and fear was simply a lie.

Will there be anything I can say to alleviate this persons suffering? Will she listen? If I throw out the lifeline, will she take it? Maybe in simply sharing, she experienced a temporary relief. Yet sometimes when we are so immersed in the story of our pain, the sharing only leads to more confirmation of the truth. It doesn’t give us perspective; it gives us more evidence that it is that way.

I chose to throw a lifeline. I reminded her she wasn’t alone. I suggested she seek help and acknowledged her courage for reaching out. I told her there was a light at the end of the tunnel – that I had seen it, lived it and experienced it.

Later, at the airport, I saw an elderly man literally shuffling toward his gate. He had a cane in each hand and his boarding pass gripped between his teeth. Slowly he would slide one foot forward, dragging it at an excruciatingly slow pace. Then he would repeat with the other foot. I watched him move towards his gate in this manner, one step at a time, a raw picture of determination and courage.

May we all find that determination within, not just to continue on, but also to thrive.

I never wanted to feel that way again! Therefore, I would never again speak in class without knowing the answer. My embarrassment was overwhelming. Even if I was sure I knew the answer, I would remain silent anyway. This behavior followed me throughout my life, even in graduate school where I earned straight A’s.

Years later, when I decided I wanted to be a public speaker, I had some work to do. If you really have the dream, then you must do what it takes to move through the fear.

Here is what worked for me:

• Do it anyway. The only way through, is through. No matter how much visualization, affirmation or positive thinking, nothing took the place of actually getting in front of people. Commit to get a group of people together and practice.
• Be willing to feel the anxiety. My palms would sweat, my heart would race, I would not be able to sleep.
• Be willing to fail. You may mess up. People may laugh or not get your message. Be willing to do it anyway.
• Bring humor. Laugh at yourself in your talk. Share your nervousness with the audience in the form of a story.
• Remember “this too shall pass”. Each thing we go through makes us stronger. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day you will see how far you have come and you will be amazed!

I still get nervous before I speak but I know it is my passion. I am willing to feel the discomfort. And it gets easier every time I do it.

All of our searching, waiting and looking outside ourselves for the answers is actually living life in a box.

What is a box?

A box can be an opinion, a point of view or our interpretation of how life is. It’s something we believe it be true. We don’t see the walls. We are convinced that it is just the way it is.

How we construct the box

Our experiences in life create boxes in which we live. We make decisions based on past experiences and from there, consciously or unconsciously, we determine how our lives are going to go. An event occurs and we say I don’t want that to happen again or I’m not doing that again. Like my early experience of getting the answer wrong in class and saying I will never raise my hand again. We transfer those old decisions into our current experience of life creating boxes. These influential moments shape our lives and the subsequent choices we make. We think we see life how it is but actually it is as Mark Epstein writes in Going on Being, “we experience the world through the filter of our minds.”

We make decisions about the world, other people or ourselves. “Men are just like that” is a box. “I don’t like ____” is a box. We shield ourselves from pain and uncertainty by creating a wall of opinions, strategies, emotions and views. Anything to protect our tender heart. As we attach meaning to these decisions, the walls of the box double and triple and we start living life smaller and playing safer. We end up with rules and a point of view about how to live. Then mostly what we do is react to life instead of actively creating our experience.

Today, meditate on the Sufi saying – remember we are looking for what is already here.

Being the change you wish to be in the world means to be it. No matter what the circumstances. Do you know what’s wrong with the world? Well nothing is actually wrong with the world but besides nothing, it’s us. We are what’s wrong with the world. Our attitudes, our positions, our views, our drama. We excel at finding what is wrong with the world and ourselves. We take a stand on something and say it’s “right.” There is nothing wrong with commitment but when we are attached and righteous we are no longer very effective. It is what stands in the way of our usefulness to our fellow travelers

I saw a bumper sticker that says “If you are not outraged you aren’t paying attention.” As if outrage was a state of being that we should aspire to. The synonyms for outrage are: indignation, anger, rage, fury. Isn’t there enough outrage in the world already? Then it goes on to say that if you are not then you are not paying attention. It is in fact “insulting” the very people that it is trying to reach. As we know, but obviously forget, guilt doesn’t work. Outrage and guilt are not very empowering places to come from. Why would we want to expect or encourage outrage in another? What could this possibly serve? Will this really get us what we want? Has it worked yet? If we really want the world to work, is this the approach to take?

How about not being anti-anything. Remember that what we resist persists. Instead we can be the change we wish to see. Mother Teresa was once asked why she didn’t participate in anti-war demonstrations, her response was “I will never do that but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.” We can bring compassion, peace and love to any situations. We are all in this together so who are we going to be for the world?

We have done enough self-help. We are cooked. It is time to help someone that really needs our help. Let’s declare the age of belly button gazing complete and make the shift from self-help to helping others.

Frequently when I am about to go out and make a difference in the world, I do not want to go. I resist. Everything in my home seems compelling. Cleaning the cat box seems like something that would bring me joy and satisfaction. I think, maybe I don’t really want to do this. Staying home in my pajamas is so much easier and safer. Putting myself out there does not sound so good. But I remember what I am committed to and I go anyway. The desire for comfort and safety is simply part of my makeup. It does not have to mean anything. It does not mean that I am not committed. It is just a consideration.

What is the meaning of life? It is what we make it mean. It is what we are committed to. We get to say what our life will be about. For some of us life might look like a life of meditation and prayer but for others, we are full on expressing our humanity in the stream of life. Or it’s somewhere in between. However you get there, just go. The world is full of different approaches and paths because of the vast variety in outlooks, beliefs, and values. Through our journey, along our path, we have become spiritually awake. Whatever our expression of this is, it’s perfect. And whatever we choose is fine. We are no different from the great leaders of the world except maybe in our level of commitment. Leadership is about giving other people possibilities, so find your own expression. What are you committed to?

2. Allow yourself to want: you don’t have to settle AND you can drop the perfection nonsense. (You don’t have to drown in the bottomless pit of perfection). There is no such thing as perfection in a human—or we are perfect in our imperfections. The point is to find a balance. Have criteria, even make a list of what you want in the other person—but remember, be your list first.

3. You complete you: Be responsible for your own happiness. No one else will make you happy. You may experience happiness when you are with someone. But you are the one who is sourcing that experience. You are the one you have been waiting for!

4. Disrupt your ordinary. Be willing to jump for the $100 bill of life. Break free from your comfort zone. Allow yourself to take risks. You never know where that will take you.

5. Be committed. Nothing happens without commitment. Do you really want a relationship? Then do what it takes, deal with your stuff—all your reasons.

6. If you are going to leave, leave from love. This applies when you are in a relationship but also when you find you are not interested in someone. It doesn’t have to be a drama—you don’t have to diminish the other person. Consider that it may just not be a fit. (Of course some of you may have been in abusive relationships and I am not condoning violence.) So often when we break up with someone, we feel the need to belittle them. Remember holding a resentment is like eating the poison and hoping someone else dies. You can leave from love. You are big enough. You can be the change.

I am not saying any of this is easy. You can allow this moment to be a turning point. Know you will have all your stuff that you will take with you. Choose to go forward anyway. Practice bring awareness. And, most of all, have fun!

There isn’t enough love to go around was the belief that had me in its grip. I found proof of this everywhere. No matter how many guys I dated, no matter how many love letters I received, the Jack of Hearts kept hiding from me. There just wasn’t enough love to make me feel whole. I lived the princess fantasy of save me, fix me and rescue me. I was looking for the one who could fit the bill. As a teenager, I pasted the poem with the line, “stop waiting for someone to bring you flowers” on my wall. But wait I did.

In addition to looking for the wrong thing, I looked in the wrong places. I thought if I slept with a man he would fall in love with me. It worked occasionally but most of the time I was left feeling empty and ashamed. On the other extreme, I dated a lot of jealous men. I could then complain about their jealousy and need for re-assurance but all along I was hiding my own. If only my boyfriend (whichever one it happened to be at the time) didn’t need so much reassurance, the relationship might have worked. Secretly, their jealousy was validation to me that I was important and loved – I was someone who was worth being jealous over. It was only after meeting my husband, a very secure man that I saw how jealous I was – oops.

Also, I always left first. If there was any sign that the relationship was ending, I was out the door. Remember, that early decision I made, I was not going to be left again.

Did you know that it’s not someone else’s job to make us happy? The easy answer is, “Yes! Of course I know that.” But I would invite you to look closer. Many of us pretend we know but deep down we still hope that someone will make us happy. They will be the magic key that unlocks our heart. We want to believe in fairy tales where all our needs and wishes will be met and we will live happily ever after. We want guarantees and promises. We know how it’s supposed to go. And often how it’s supposed to go is not how it is actually going.

The fear of abandonment has many people go through life protecting their hearts and never knowing true intimacy. To allow someone to know us means the potential of being hurt. We don’t share who we really are – the soft underbelly.

Where are you waiting for love?  Maybe it’s time to stop…and just love yourself.