There are tons of self improvement techniques available to us, but sometimes it’s hard to decide how (if at all) to apply that advice in your life.  An amazing starting point is to accept that your world is primarily shaped by you—not by other people, places, or situations.

Once you realize that it is you (and your vision of the world) that determine the way you experience life, you can successfully apply self improvement information to create your life anew. Let’s get started.

Your Vision of the World

How would you describe the world that we live in? Is there a lot to be afraid of? A lot to be angry about?  A lot to love?  A lot to improve?  A lot to appreciate?  We all see the world through different eyes, but one thing is certain: What you see is based on what you believe and, more importantly, who you are.  With that said, it’s helpful to distinctly define who you are, how you’re limiting yourself, and which self improvement techniques are best for your personal transformation.

The Worrier

Are you the worrier?  The worrier is a warmhearted person who lives in a world riddled with problems and sadness.  What she sees is that people don’t care about each other, animals are harmed each day, elderly people are mistreated, laws are broken, marriages don’t last, children are abused, people are starving to death, and schools aren’t educating children.

Every time you turn around she finds a new cause to support or a new problem to protest.  Heartbreaking news, events, and circumstances surround her.

The worrier feels guilty about enjoying a day in the park with her family or spending money on things that she loves.  After all, she could be spending that time or money fighting for the next big cause.

The worrier never stops worrying about what is going wrong or what may go wrong in the future.  She’s often overprotective of loved ones and disappointed with those who “waste” their time and money. She often experiences extreme anxiety and frustration—the remnants of her focus on what’s wrong in the world.

The worrier’s world is a big mess—one that keeps her eyes filled with tears.  Her world is one in which she is not safe, her loved ones are not safe, and life is one sad news broadcast after another.

But is that because the world is truly a sad, pitiful place?  Or is it because of who she is?  She is the worrier. 

Self improvement techniques for the worrier:

• Mediation and deep breathing
• Positive thinking
• Anxiety Management
• Replace mainstream news with inspirational stories
• The Placemat Process

The Royal

For the guys and gals who believe the Earth revolves around them—life appears to pan out that way.  Take a look at the royal. His world is filled with two types of people: those who see things his way and those who are wrong.

In the royal’s world, everyone either wants to be with him or to be like him.  You can’t convince him that there’s a girl on Earth who is uninterested.  When people lash out at the royal, he doesn’t wonder if they dislike his snobby attitude.  When people stare at him, he doesn’t feel self-conscious.  Snide remarks don’t bother him one bit.

As far as the royal is concerned, people just can’t help themselves.  They are watching, admiring, and envying his sheer awesomeness.  All attention from others feeds his vision of himself.

Is the royal in fact as awesome as he believes?  Well, that’s irrelevant when we’re looking at how he experiences life.  Like you and I, his thoughts are his reality. This is his world and he is at the center of it all.

If you’re wondering how life as a royal may be problematic, consider this:  The royal may be so blissfully unaware of people’s true feelings that he never resolves problems.  He may have trouble on the job because he won’t acknowledge (or improve) his limitations.  He may have a series of unsuccessful courtships or marriages because he’s unable to cater to anyone other than himself.

The royal’s world is completely self serving and every problem he experiences is (seemingly) the result of those who envy his greatness.

Depending on the degree of the royal’s narcissism, self improvement may be out of the question.  After all, you have to believe you’re a work-in-progress in order to do the work.

Self improvement techniques for the royal:

• Choose (at least) 3 imperfections to address with a trusted therapist
• Develop listening and communication skills
• Emotional intelligence exercises
• Relationship Repair

The Doubter

Convinced that trust in people leads to pain, the doubter approaches every situation with extreme caution—shield up to guard against hurt and pain.

She fears being hurt, deceived or made to look like a fool; so she’s skeptical of anyone who seeks a close relationship with her.  And guess what!  She experiences the hurts that she fears as if they are magnetically drawn to her.  She experiences deceit, betrayal and situations that rouse skepticism more than any other person.

The doubter’s world is a threatening one—a world that constantly feeds her anxious, fearful, doubtful mindset.  With so much energy poured into shielding against pain and heartache, there can’t be much room left to experience joyful, healthy relationships.

She hesitates so long that great opportunities pass her by.  Rather than putting up with accusations and distrust, trustworthy people find their way out of her life.  But guess who sticks around to showers her with proof of what she believes to be true about the world. That’s right—it’s the people who match her beliefs.  As is true of us all, she maintains relationships and situations that are in alignment with who she is.  She is the doubter.

Self improvement techniques for the doubter:

• Process past disappointments
• Anxiety Management
• Positive affirmations
• Forgive others and release resentment
• Positive thinking
• Lifestyle Hypnosis

The Fighter

He is convinced that everything is a conspiracy and that life is primarily about defending yourself.  This is the fighter. He sees malicious motives where others might argue they don’t exist.  He’s constantly on alert; convinced that trouble, hatred, malice, and deviance are around every corner.

In many cases, this person grew up in an abusive household or was raised by a militant parent.  In other cases, this person may have neglected by parents, thus forced to constantly protect himself, as a child.

Can you imagine what life is like for those who are always mentally and physically preparing to battle, defend, oppose, and protect?  It is exactly as they expect it.

The fighter’s mentality results in situation after situation that matches his beliefs about the world.  He may expend a lot of mental energy on resisting authority or making others accept his beliefs as right.  He may also be prone to physical fighting.

The fighter’s world is an angry one filled with the need to live as an attack dog—ready to strike.

Self improvement techniques for the fighter:

• Anger management and conflict resolution
• Look for new, more positive truths
• Mediation and deep breathing
• Create a gratitude journal

Today, as on most days, my answer to the standard greeting, “Hi, how are you?” was my truth: “I’m great. How are you?” Spoken with positive enthusiasm and a warm smile, I meant it.  I still mean it.

It is not just some auto response.  I say that I’m great because, no matter what is happening around me, life is inherently great.  Nonetheless, people respond with statements like, “No. Really. How are you?” or “How can you even say that?”

Along those same lines, I get asked the most ridiculous question of all: “What are you smiling about?”  Well guess what.  I’m smiling because l feel great.  That’s right. I’ll say it again—I feel great.

Smiling When Everything Ain’t So Great

How does it make you feel when everything seems to be falling apart yet there’s that one person who is still skipping along with a smile?  Does it piss you off?  Does it make you wonder if that person is on drugs?

Do you think that person is just not paying attention to the atrocities that you see?   Well, I’m usually that smiling person and I’ll tell you a little bit about what’s going on in my head.

For starters, I’m not blind or immune to the realities that leave people feeling down and out.  I’m not unaware of the unfairness at my place of employment, the extreme humidity outside today, or even this nagging pain in my back.

I know that my country’s financial system is in crisis, sea life is being killed by a reckless oil spill, and children are starving to death on a planet with more than enough for everyone.  Yes…I see it all and I don’t like it.

The Choice to Feel Great

There are negative things going on in my life and in our world as a whole, but each day I make a choice.  I choose to smile—a simple way of sharing joy with others instead of adding to their gloom.  I choose to have a positive outlook.

I choose to appreciate every negative as an opportunity to learn, evolve, and add more good to the world.  I choose to love my role as person who can help make life on Earth a better place for us all.

With a positive attitude and the strength of a woman who greets trials head on, I choose to live a joyful life.  I choose to feel great.  And when I feel great—I smile.  And when I smile—it is often contagious.

Everyone can find reasons to cry, pout, fight and complain.  In fact, a victim mentality is completely justified for anyone who wants to possess it.  Nobody will fault you for it.  But that doesn’t make it worthwhile.

There is so much more to life than the gloom and doom.  There are far more reasons to smile than there are to frown, but we all see what our hearts and eyes are open to.  What are you on the lookout for?  Reasons to smile?  Causes for feeling great?  Or are you more open to sad songs, bad news, and angry people?

If life’s struggles have caused you to lose sight of what there is to smile about, I’ll share a short version of my list with you in hopes that you’ll wake up to an alternative perspective on your own life.

What I’m Smiling About

• I’m breathing—my lungs effortlessly supply my cells with oxygen.
• I have a smart, beautiful, successful daughter who I’ve managed to raise on my own since her father’s death.
• I have 2 best friends who love and support me in times of great sorrow and great success.
• I conveniently drive on highways and paved streets, remembering to give thanks for the people who worked so hard to construct them.
• Unlike those who are deaf, I can hear my favorite song, the voice of my beloved, and the laughs of small children.
• I have two arms. I can’t imagine what it’s like for those who can’t hug, hold hands, or even pick up a fork to feed themselves.  How blessed I am to be able to do these things with very little thought and effort.
• Independence.  With all of my senses, organs, and body parts intact, I’m able to live totally independently. I can walk, run, talk, see, hear, cook, write, read, breathe, lift, jump, drive, dance, and so much more—totally unassisted.
• I have freedom.  I could be one of the many innocent people locked behind bars, but instead I am free to walk in the park, smell the roses, spend time with loved ones, and feel the sunshine on my skin.
• Money.  I am a long way from being rich but I’m financially able to feed and clothe my family. That alone is something smile about; but it gets better. I have enough to share with those less fortunate and it feels great to do so.  There is no better gift that the gift of giving.
• Flowers. I believe that one of the most beautiful things in nature is a newly bloomed flower.  My eyes light up and a smile crosses my face each time I’m lucky enough to see colorful flowers in full bloom.
• My health is great.  Instead of struggling with disease or disorder, I am in near perfect health. I get an ache or pain now and then, but I’m excellent at healing myself naturally. How awesome!

Smiling as a Display of Love and Appreciation

Like everyone else, I have challenges.  I see things in my life and in this world that I would love to change, but none of it takes away from the fact that there is much to smile about.  A smile is the ultimate display of love and appreciation. It is a way of showing everyone that we are not all a bunch of miserable people barely making it along a dead-end road called Life.

Life is beautiful!  Every challenge creates an opportunity.  As I give thanks for those opportunities to show myself, to better myself, to create myself anew—it is impossible to hate the challenges.

From my brain to my feet, from where I stand to the very end of the Universe, there are endless reasons to smile.  I am overjoyed right now with the feeling of awareness and appreciation for all that I am.  This, and so much more, is why I smile.

Why are you smiling (or not smiling)?

Related Self Improvement Blog Posts

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Life’s Struggles: Who Would You Be Without Them

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If you have ever struggled with low self esteem, you know the emotional pain that comes along with it.  The ugly cycle of self destruction starts with a poor self image and a lack of self respect.

When you see yourself as something much less than the amazing person you truly are, it’s easy to make decisions that are disrespectful of yourself.  And when you don’t respect yourself, you feel even worse about yourself.  And as you feel worse about yourself, you disrespect yourself even more.  I could keep going but I think you get the point.  Self respect is a critical ingredient in the recipe for improved self esteem.

The guide below is not a quick fix.  There’s nothing here that will “fix” your self image overnight.  In fact, there is nothing anywhere that will do such a thing.  You shouldn’t be surprised though.  That’s not what self improvement is about anyway.

What you will find here is good, practical advice that will help tremendously once you’re serious about changing your outlook on yourself, building self respect, improving your level of self confidence and self love.

So are you ready to genuinely improve your perspective on yourself?

Building Self Respect for Whom?

It’s difficult to fully love and respect yourself when you hardly know yourself, so take the time to truly decide who you are.  There is something about you that is worthy of love and respect, but maybe you don’t know what it is yet.

Ask yourself the tough questions like, “What do I stand for?” and “What is my life all about?”  If you’ve been living unconsciously like most people, you may not have a clear answer right away.  That’s okay!

There’s no better time than now to start the process of self discovery (and self creation).  Decide who you are and who you will become. Decide to be a person whom you will be proud of.

Embrace Your Differences

Although we’re often taught to value and conform to societal norms, the real beauty of life stems from diversity.  The color red would lose its excitement if it was the only color we could ever see.  Nobody would be interesting if we all had the same height, weight, hair type, skin color, style, and ideas.

There is something unusual and unique about you, so why not embrace it?  You may have always regarded it as a flaw, but you can choose to flaunt it or use it to your advantage instead.  The choice is yours.

If you’d rather change the “flaw” instead of changing your outlook, that is okay.  But embrace it in this moment.  Accept it as a beautiful expression of life—an opportunity to create, experience, and recreate your reality.

It is our differences, not our similarities, that allow us to fully experience life. So, open your eyes to the beauty of your own uniqueness and feel the rise in your self image.

Honor Your Values to Respect Yourself

Once you’ve defined who you are, don’t overlook it.  The more you honor your own principles, the more self respect and confidence you will develop.

Your fortitude will indeed be challenged—but that’s not a bad thing.  If others try to define you in a way that doesn’t agree with your vision for yourself, you can gain strength by standing up for who you are and what you believe in.  This won’t be easy when the pressure is on, but you’ll feel much better about yourself when you remain true to who you are.

Just remember: You are an important gift to this great Universe. You deserve your own love and respect.  If you remain true to yourself during times of great difficulty, you’ll respect yourself for having the courage to do so.

Stand Up for Someone Else

The one thing that builds even more self respect than standing up for yourself is standing up for someone else.  If you have an opportunity to make a difference and you feel compelled to do so, don’t hesitate.

Everyone may not accept this, but we are ALL one big family.  Every person on this planet is adding to everyone else’s life experiences.  Many times this is done indirectly but sometimes it means putting yourself in harm’s way for someone else.

It’s not always the popular or easy choice, but it is a choice that helps to build strong character and a positive self image.  When you help someone else, particularly someone you are not obliged to help, you gain self respect while also gaining the respect of others. You may even gain the respect of those who disagree with your choice to stand up.

Believe in the Best for Yourself

Life is a journey filled with winding curves and unchartered territory.  It can be scary, overwhelming, and stressful.  But life is also exciting, rewarding, and filled with learning opportunities.

In order to feel good about yourself and your life, you have to believe that everything will work out for the best.  That doesn’t mean you can never have a moment of sulking, it just means that you’ll feel best when you think best.

Let no person or circumstance convince you otherwise.  Look for the silver lining in every cloud.  See the big picture—the experience of living.

Keep a Self Respecting Crowd

We all know the saying, “Birds of a feather flock together.”  This is so true.  If you hang around people who have a victim mentality, a negative self image, or a lack of respect for themselves and others, you’ll have a hard time breaking free of your own issues.

If a person is a part of your “inner circle,” you are co-creating your reality with them.  So it may be time to double (or triple) check your friends list. To improve your self esteem, spend more time with people who are positive, loving and inspiring.  To build self respect, spend more time with people who give and deserve respect.

Now that you know what I think about building self respect, please share your thoughts on the subject.

Related Self Improvement Information

Dr. Anthony’s Self Confidence Creator

Improving Low Self Esteem: A Journey to Loving Yourself

Understanding Low Self Esteem: How Do You Feel About You

The responses to Why People Lie So Damn Much have been amazing. If you haven’t read that blog post on the subject of lying, you may want to check it out before reading this follow-up post on honesty.

Facebook messages, emails, and comments over the last week show that people are, for the most part, in agreement that we should all work on telling the truth more often.  However, one thing is clear:  Many people doubt if honesty is always the best policy. There is a lot of confusion about when, if ever, it is right to lie.

Are there times when telling the truth is NOT the highest choice?  If someone’s feelings may be hurt by the truth, is it better to tell a lie instead?

Personally, I still believe honesty is the best policy.  However, there’s always more than one way to follow through.  While some people take pride in being “brutally honest,” a harmful approach to relaying the truth is no more honorable than telling a lie.

When you’ve told the truth with as much tenderness, concern, positive intention and love as possible, you’ve made the highest choice.  You’ve done the “right” thing.  How that message of truth is received by another is outside of your control.  There is much that you can do to comfort a person who is having trouble dealing with the truth.  And that is far more respectable and loving than telling a comforting lie.

When it comes to honesty, as with everything else in our lives, we have choices.  We can attempt to use compassion as an excuse for lying, or we can compassionately retain our integrity by telling the truth with love.  A tough call?  Sometimes, yes it seems that way. But it shouldn’t be! How can we expect to experience self improvement without first being truth with ourselves and those around us?

Here are a few truth quotes to get you thinking even more on the subject of honesty:

25 Honesty & Truth Quotes

1. “People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.”  -Richard J. Needham
2. “A half truth is a whole lie.”  -Yiddish Proverb
3. “A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.” -William Blake
4. “No pleasure is comparable to the standing upon the vantage-ground of truth.” -Francis Bacon
5. “A harmful truth is better than a useful lie.” -Thomas Mann
6. “The only way to tell the truth is to speak with kindness. Only the words of a loving man can be heard.” -Henry David Thoreau
7. “Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication.  They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others.  Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.”  -Unknown
8. “I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” –Pietro Ariteno
9. “You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.” –Unknown
10. “Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected” – Mahatma Gandhi
11. “Truth never tranquilizes. The defining property of truth is its ability to disturb.” -Solomon Short
12. “It is not nearly so important how well a message is received as how well it is sent. You cannot take responsibility for how well another accepts your truth; you can only ensure how well it is communicated. And by how well, I don’t mean merely how clearly; I mean how lovingly, how compassionately, how sensitively, how courageously, and how completely.” -Neale Donald Walsch
13. “Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by silence.” -Henri-Frederic Amiel
14. “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” -Friedrich Nietzsche
15. “Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” -Maya Angelou
16. “The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive and unrealistic” -John F. Kennedy
17. “Truth comes as conqueror only to those who have lost the art of receiving it as friend.” -Rabindranath Tagore
18. “We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.”  -Tad Williams
19. “The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie.” –Ann Landers
20. “I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.
21. “Falsehood is easy, truth so difficult.” -George Elliot
22. “It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship.” – Henry Ward Beecher
23. “A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity” -Baltasar Gracian
24. “Peace if possible, truth at all costs.” -Martin Luther
25. “Honesty has a beautiful and refreshing simplicity about it. No ulterior motives. No hidden meanings. An absence of hypocrisy, duplicity, political games, and verbal superficiality. As honesty and real integrity characterize our lives, there will be no need to manipulate others.” -Chuck Swindoll

DECEIT DETECTOR – NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN

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I know. I know. It’s quite a question: Why do people lie?  Lying, the act of being intentionally deceitful, is about as common as breathing.  In fact, I don’t believe there is a human being alive who has never told a lie—except maybe those who have yet to begin speaking.

Everyone has, at some point, sought to cover the truth for one reason or another.  And this doesn’t just apply to individuals.

Corporations, governments, and institutions of all type engage in the infamous game of deceit.  We all know it.  What most of us don’t know is WHY people lie, how lying to others affects our self improvement journey, and how to permanently stop lying.

Why People Lie

Why is it that so many of us engage in something that brings so much pain and misunderstanding?  If you take the time to ponder several lies that you’ve told and/or lies that you’ve been told by others, it becomes quite clear that there is one core reason at the root of all dishonesty.  That reason is fear.

I’m sure you can think of several other reasons for telling lies:  greed, shame, unfairness, cowardice, insecurity, guilt.  But guess what…fear is also at the core of these.

Have you ever lied about your age or weight?  If so, it may be because you were ashamed or insecure.  But why feel ashamed?  Why were you insecure?  Perhaps you feared what another would think of your truth.

As a child you likely lied about breaking a household item, hitting your sibling, or losing homework.  Is it not fear that drives children’s attempts at deceit?

Have you ever declined someone’s request to borrow money by lying?  I sure have. It’s tempting to say, “I don’t have it” instead of just saying “NO.”  Why is that?  For me it was the fear of hurting someone’s feelings or being judged as a selfish person.

What about our politicians?  They are notorious for lying—telling you whatever they think you want to hear.  The same is true of businesses that benefit from unethical and illegal practices.  They lie about it, of course.  But why?  Greed?  Yes.  Unfairness?  Yes.  But why are they greedy and unfair?  Fear!!!  Fear that they won’t have enough votes, customers, or profits.  Fear of loss.  Fear that they’ll be outdone by a competitor.  Fear of underachievement.

Have you ever been deceived by a cheating lover?  If so, it may seem that they did so because they were cowardly, greedy, and ashamed of their own guilt.  That may be a part of it. But there’s always more.  People who cheat and lie are often afraid to face things about themselves that they don’t like.  Maybe he feared inadequacy so much that he needed multiple partners as confirmation.  Maybe she kept a “spare tire” because she feared being left alone.  Maybe they feared true love and commitment.

There are so many reasons (or excuses) for deception, but fear is always at the core.

Destroying Self Improvement by Lying

Lying to others is just the start of the problem.  What makes it worse is that people end up lying to themselves in order to feel better about the situation at hand.


As a liar, there’s a good chance that you’re not someone you can be proud of, so the “need” arises to deceive the person in the mirror.  Most people find ways to justify their lies, oftentimes fooling themselves into having a surface level belief in their own falsehoods. Nothing good comes out of living in denial and being unable to own up to who you are As-Is.

If you cheated on your diet, failed at something you bragged about, broke someone’s heart, neglected a friendship, or made a stupid mistake on your job, OWN IT.  Don’t hide behind a lie.  Don’t fear being imperfect.  Accept and show yourself fully—flaws, fears, screw-ups and all.

Even a “little white lie” has a negative impact.  When you turn away from your truth and deny yourself the opportunity to face certain circumstances, you may fool others but you harm yourself.  You hinder your own personal growth by creating more internal shame and adding to your limiting beliefs.

This is murder to your self improvement efforts. You can’t improve what you refuse to see.

Ending Lies to Become a Better You

Remember the saying, “The truth shall set you free?”  It’s true!  There is freedom in telling the truth.  By showing yourself as you are, refusing to hide behind the cloak of lies, you choose the way of the courageous over the way of the cowardly.

You instantly set yourself free from the bondage of lying to yourself and others.  You are free to examine your own truths, to change those truths (if you so desire) and to become a better version of yourself. A weight is lifted off your shoulders.

Consider this:  Would your words, actions, or behaviors change if you knew that you could never again hide the truth from anyone?  If you knew that every lie you told would be exposed as such, would you change whatever it is that you lie about?  If so, why not just change it?  If you can’t change it or you don’t want to change, why not just make peace with your truth?

I’m beginning the ultimate challenge and I hope others will join me.  Will you look deep into every single lie, even the smallest ones, and challenge yourself to be completely honest with everyone about everything?  It sounds strange to imagine never lying again, but sit down and ask yourself this question:  “What am I afraid of?”

What do you have to lose by ALWAYS telling the truth?  Are you worried about what people will think of you?  Would their thoughts of you be warranted?  Are you afraid others won’t love or support you?  Do you feel worthy of their love and support?

To evolve into the persons we have the potential to be, to truly enjoy self improvement success, we must strive to always make the highest choice—the choice that love would make.  Love for self and love for others.  A lie does not have love at its core and a lie is never ever the highest choice.

DECEIT DETECTOR – NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN

Other Great Resources

Relationship Healer – The Magic of Making Up

Change Anything – Hypnosis Success

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Living in Denial – Why We Like Being Lied To

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In a country where lovers are more familiar with breakups than they are with romance, and divorce is more common than marriage, successful relationships seem as realistic as a castle in the sky.

Is that because we don’t want to make relationships last?  Is it because we just don’t care?  Maybe it is because we don’t know how to nurture these relationships and make them last a lifetime.

In the book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman describes the importance of learning and speaking your partner’s “love language.”  According to this concept, to develop (or maintain) a healthy relationship you must learn to love your significant other in a way that he or she can interpret.

Consider this:  If you speak Dutch to someone who only understands English, communication is not taking place.  No matter what you say or how beautifully you say it, that person won’t receive the message as you meant it.  By the same token, we all seem to express and comprehend love according to different “love languages.”

Communicating Love in 5 Languages

What comes to us all naturally is to communicate with others in the way that we know how.  However, relationships challenge us to think and behave outside of what comes to us instinctively.

Here’s an example: Sharon feels most loved when her husband showers her with reassuring, flattering statements, such as, “I am so happy to have you as my wife” and “You are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”

Her husband Rob, on the other hand, feels most loved when his wife showers him with physical contact.  By simply brushing against him when she walks by or straddling him when he gets home, Sharon can reassure Rob of her enduring love for him.  But there’s a problem.

Because Rob recognizes touch as a means of communicating love to him, he uses this technique to communicate his love to Sharon.  He attempts to kiss, rub, fondle, and brush against her at every chance he gets.  He feels completely defeated, confused, and undesired when his attempts to show love are met with rejection.

Because verbal confirmation makes her feel loved, Sharon communicates her love to Rob by thanking him for everything he does and reminding him of how handsome he looks to her.  She silently wishes he would return the favor by being more vocal about how he feels. Furthermore, she even assumes he doesn’t appreciate her because he doesn’t say so.

Sharon and Rob speak different love languages. They both try to communicate with the other using the language that comes naturally to them—their own primary love language.  Unfortunately, communication is the one thing that is NOT taking place.

These situations happen all the time and they often result in unhappy marriages or bitter divorces.  Fortunately, you can save your relationship rather than winding up amongst the negative statistics.

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

By simply realizing that we may speak a different love language than our significant other, we can get the wheels of relationship success turning. Many couples break-up because one or both partners become fed up with putting forth so much effort to show love—only to feel that they’re not appreciated by the other person. It may not even cross their minds that a basic communication issue, rather than a true lack of appreciation, may be at the core of their relationship problems. In order to communicate love effectively to your partner, discover which one of the following is his or her primary love language:

Words of Appreciation

This love language includes statements that express love, adoration, appreciation and devotion.  A simple, “Thank you for being there for me” or “Dinner was so wonderful sweetheart,” may be just what you’re longing for if this is your primary love language. This may feel a little awkward at first for those who aren’t comfortable expressing their feelings aloud.

Quality Time

Picnics in the park, romantic dinners, quiet conversation, playing a game, or cuddling in bed are the makings of a successful relationship for someone who speaks the Quality Time love language.  This love language is not about proximity, it is about having the undivided focus and attention of the person you love. If one partner is extremely busy, sacrifice will be necessary in order to save the relationship from unhappiness or demise.

Gifts

Some partners feel loved when they’re given something tangible as an expression of their partner’s love.  Major problems can arise if someone who speaks this love language is in a relationship with someone who despises spending money “unnecessarily.” In such a case, it is important to remember that successful relationships require compromise.  If flowers, candy, and perfume are what it takes to communicate love to your mate, it may be worth relaxing your frugal ways.

Acts of Service

If gifts, words, and time aren’t doing the trick, maybe you or your mate prefer acts of service.  Those who speak this language may respond best when you help with the dishes, run their bath water, cook a healthy meal or keep track of their appointments.

Physical Touch

If foot massages, sexual contact, hand holding, or back rubs are the biggest love communicators for you or your partner, your love language is Physical Touch. When a person isn’t accustomed to frequent touch, it may feel odd to communicate love to a more touchy-feely partner.  However, the experience may become more pleasant with time.

Using What You Know About Love

Now that you know the basics of the 5 love languages, it’s time to discover which one is the primary love language of your mate.  Don’t make an assumption here.  Talk to your partner and ask plenty of questions.  Let him or her guide you to that primary love language. But don’t stop there.  Ask yourself if you are willing to communicate love on your partner’s terms.

Even more important than learning your partner’s love language is understanding your own primary love language.  This helps you to know what comes naturally to you, how you communicate love to others, where you fall short, and what it takes for you to have a healthy relationship.

It is only through discovering yourself that you truly become ready to help your partner love you the right way.

It’s comment time. So, what is your primary love language? Does your spouse speak the same language?  Do you see value in the concept of “love languages” for healthy relationships?

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As I looked over my life, appreciating the person I am and the gifts that I have, something occurred to me.  I don’t give full credit where credit is due. Yes, I give thanks for the pleasurable, comforting and rewarding experiences of my life.  But I forget that I owe much of my thanks to something totally different—life’s struggles.

Within moments, I asked and answered one of my biggest life questions, “Why do we suffer?”

I am the person who I am today, not because I had a perfect childhood or the most supportive friends, but because that wasn’t always so.  I am the person who I am today, not because I’ve always trusted the right people and made the right decisions, but because I sometimes screwed up.

Life’s Struggles Teach Life Lessons

Most of what I’ve come to appreciate about myself did not develop because life has always been good to me.  It’s quite the opposite.

For me, as for everyone, life has been a complex mix of experiences.  Some days have been like a walk in the park, while other days felt like an uphill run on a rocky road.  But every bit of this has helped to define the person I am.

If you’ve ever wondered why we must endure life’s struggles, consider this:  Our struggles, and the way we deal with them, are among the many gifts that shape our lives.  If we can find it in our hearts to replace resentment, frustration, and anger with appreciation for life’s struggles, we can heal emotional scars and reach the epitome of self improvement success.

Life’s Struggles Build Character

“You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.” -Henri-Frederic

Strength & Resilience

My inner strength was not developed through picking flowers and partying every day. Instead, I am the strong, resilient woman that I am because I’ve chosen to get back up repeatedly after being knocked down.

Each time I suffered a little, I gained a little more strength.  When I suffered greatly, I gained even greater resistance to weakness and realized that I set my own limitations.

Integrity

Integrity didn’t become one of my strongest character traits because I’ve only been exposed to honest, fair and noble people.  I learned the importance of this characteristic by being hurt by those who lacked it.

Intellect

My intellect didn’t come from sleeping until noon everyday and partying with friends all night.  I read books instead of entertainment magazines, studied until dawn, showed up for class when I was exhausted, listened to people whose ideas were painfully different than my own, and refused to give up my quest for knowledge.

Compassion

I am indeed a compassionate woman whose heart overflows with love and concern for ALL people.  But I haven’t always been tolerant of those much different than myself.  I learned the hard way what it’s like to be discriminated against and treated like you don’t matter.  Because of my own life’s struggles, I learned that everyone deserves compassion.

Courage

I didn’t gain courage by always being safe.  I found myself in multiple situations that scared and worried me.  It was a struggle at the time, but surviving those situations was the proof that I needed to realize I’m a survivor.  My courage and confidence exist because I’ve slept alone in the dark, I’ve swam without a life jacket, I’ve stood up to the boss, I’ve faced the monsters head-on.

Resourcefulness & Creativity

I am not resourceful because everything and everyone have always been there for me.  Instead, I learned resourcefulness because of what was NOT there.  Thanks to life’s struggles, thanks to the experience of lack, I learned to create or workaround what isn’t laid at my feet.

Self Esteem

I have healthy self esteem today, but it’s not because everyone always praised me.  I learned to love me by painfully watching my own daughter second guess her value and self-worth.  Her struggle was my struggle.  And it was the push that I needed to deal with my issues, separate how I see myself from how others see me, and set a positive example for the young woman I’m raising.

I would NOT trade strength, compassion, self esteem, integrity, courage and intellect for an effortless life.  So, as I embrace these characteristics as a part of me, I recognize the benefit in the struggles that brought me to this point. So what about you?

No matter who you are, there is something wonderful about you.  You have something that is of great value to family, friends, strangers, and the Universe as a whole.  So, here is the challenge:  As you appreciate everything you have to be thankful for, don’t forget about your struggles.  Life’s struggles need not be something that you loathe, regret and avoid.  They have value.  And that value trickles down to create the whole of you and me.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein

Who are you as a result of life’s struggles? Would you trade it all for an easy life? Do you see the benefit in hardship? All comments are welcome.

A Self Improvement Guide to Natural Health

A natural health remedy is not exactly the first thing that comes to the average American’s mind when they’re sick.  Face it—most of us go to the doctor or pop a pill for everything.  I was included that “most of us category” until I found myself uninsured at the age of 25 with a small child and very few resources.  I could’ve panicked—okay, I did panic momentarily; but this blessing in disguise led to my ever-expanding knowledge of natural cures.

You probably won’t hear it from your doctor (since he or she is trained to practice medicine), but there are natural remedies for high blood pressure, depression, asthma, infections, viruses, hormonal problems, and even cancer.

Learning to care for yourself through natural health remedies may be the most under-emphasized of all the self improvement techniques that I stumble upon.  I suppose we sometimes forget that self improvement is about the total you—mind, body and soul.  So, I’d like to share my favorite natural remedies in hopes of helping you to improve your health—the natural way.

Garlic – The Natural Health Remedy for Everything

I’d call garlic the ultimate wonder drug if it was actually a drug.  But it’s not.  It’s a natural health remedy that has been successfully used for ages to treat a variety of illnesses without the harmful side effects of medication.   Garlic has more uses than I can name here, but let’s start with the fact that it is anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, AND anti-viral.

Unlike prescribed antibiotics which destroy your good bacteria along with the bad ones, garlic eats the nasty bugs in your system while leaving the ones that you need intact.  And that’s not the best part. Bacteria don’t seem to build a resistance to garlic as they do with antibiotics.

If that’s not enough to sell you on garlic as a life-saving natural health remedy, consider the fact that it helps to prevent and treat some of the most common causes of illness, embarrassment and death.  High blood pressure, elevated cholesterol, ear infections, diabetes, stomach virus, acne, Athlete’s Foot, cancer, flu, bladder and kidney infections, herpes, blood clots—the uses for garlic go on and on.  Garlic helps you to heal yourself by strengthening the immune system, which means you can hinder what’s trying to invade your body and fight off whatever makes its way inside.

Worried about the smell?  There are garlic pills on the market now, but I’m not convinced that anything works wonders like chowing down on a fresh garlic clove.  You can always enjoy a few slices of lemon after eating garlic.  That way you still smell good as you’re working on feeling great.

Ginger – The Digestive System’s Natural Cure

If you’re anything like me, you have a fond childhood memory of being given Ginger Ale for a tummy ache.  With all the added sugar in soda, it may not have been remarkably helpful; but your parents were on the right track.

Ginger is one of the best natural cures for gastrointestinal problems like upset stomach, indigestion, flatulence, nausea, morning sickness, bloating, motion sickness and poor digestion.  But there’s more.

Ginger has been shown to improve circulation, destroy parasites, reduce the risk of heart attacks, balance glucose levels, lessen the symptoms of colds and flu, regulate high cholesterol, relieve arthritis pain and so much more.

The spicy taste of ginger tea may be off putting to some, but it’s not bad.  Drinking warm water with ginger 2 – 3 times per day, along with other natural health remedies, has completely cured me of GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease) and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).

Fish Oil – The Best Bet for a Healthy Heart

If you’re a fish lover, you may already know about Omega-3 fatty acids.  EPA and DHA, the fatty acids primarily found in fish, are the ultimate natural remedy for a healthy heart.  Fish like herring, sardines, tuna, salmon, and mackerel are rich in these fatty acids.

Whether you go for eating a diet rich in fish or taking fish oil supplements, you will likely reduce your risk of heart disease and cardiac related death.

In addition to aiding heart health, the fatty acids found in fish have been shown to decrease the risks and effects of Alzheimer’s, reduce inflammation that results from serious illnesses, treat serious mental health issues (i.e. schizophrenia, depression), and even slow the body’s aging process.

If you eat a typical American diet or lead a typical American lifestyle, fish oil may be the perfect preventative natural health remedy for you.

Aloe Vera – The Natural Remedy That Puts the Fire Out

As a little girl, my minor burns were always treated with aloe vera.  I remember my grandmother pinching off a piece of the plant and rubbing its gel-like inner substance onto my wound.  The burning was soothed almost instantly.  Little did I know, this miracle plant has many other uses.

Pure aloe vera juice is wonderful for boosting the immune system, destroying bacteria, reducing inflammation, aiding digestion, healing stomach ulcers, treating asthma, and general cleansing of the body’s organs. I’ll be honest with you, it is not the best tasting beverage in the world.  In fact, the first time I tasted it, I recall stating that it tastes exactly the way I would imagine cold urine might taste.  Nonetheless, I drink it almost daily now.  Like anything else, it becomes second nature after a while and the taste doesn’t seem so bad.  Even if it did, I’d still drink it because the health benefits are worth enduring a moment of discomfort on the taste buds.

So, does natural health play a role in your self improvement efforts?  If so, what are some of your favorite natural remedies? Have you tried any of the ones listed above?

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Is there anyone out there who has tried breaking bad habits?  Maybe I should rephrase that.  Is there anyone out there who has NOT tried breaking bad habits? No need to answer—we’ve all been there.

We develop habits by practicing something over and over until it becomes a major part of our comfort zone.  Many of these habits, like falling asleep at a set time each night or eating breakfast every morning, add to a positive life experience.  But those aren’t the ones that concern us.

The problems arise when we have habits that hinder our personal growth and happiness.  You know the usual suspects—smoking, swearing, drinking, nail-biting, overeating, gambling, shopping.  These habits are often associated with poor health, financial lack, and social difficulties, yet they’re hard to give up.  The price of enjoying the momentary feelings of comfort that come with the habit is usually a negative, regretful side-effect.

Obviously, breaking bad habits is necessary for self improvement success; but does it have to be such a big pain in the you-know-what?  I don’t think so.

There may not be a magic wand that makes it easy to break a bad habit, but the tips below can help soften the blow.

“Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters” –Nathaniel Emmons

Prep Work for Breaking Bad Habits

Although action has a vital role in all self improvement ideas, positive outcomes seem to flow more effortlessly when there is a pre-action plan.

Rarely do people break bad habits instantaneously by waking up to say, “I’m done smoking now” or “I’m no longer a shopaholic.”  There’s almost always a great deal of mental preparation and deep thought that paves the way.

Take pen to pad and answer the following questions (the more details—the better):

What is the bad habit I’m trying to break?

What triggers or drives me to engage in this bad habit?

What excuses have I used for not ending this bad habit before today?

Why do I want to break this habit?

How will my life be different once I break this bad habit?

“It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear…. It’s like being between trapezes. It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to.” –Marilyn Ferguson

After pinpointing the habit and considering how it impacts your life, it’s time to look at the rough part of the journey ahead. Consider what you might experience during the first day, week, or month of trying to break your habits.

If you usually shop when there’s nothing to do, will you be bored to tears without your favorite pastime?  If you eat when sad, will you feel more depressed without your comfort food?  If you usually drink alcohol to cope with stress, will you experience overwhelming anxiety when faced with life’s problems?  If you smoke or use recreational drugs, what might the withdrawal symptoms feel like?

Think through the inconveniences and ask yourself if it’s worth it.  Are you trying to break a bad habit because someone else wants you to?  Or are you truly at the point where you can honestly say, “I want to change my life and it’s worth every harsh moment that I may encounter along the way.”

“If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.” – John Maxwell

Assess Your Readiness for Breaking the Habit

To succeed in breaking bad habits, you must overcome moments of weakness.  Just think of them as tests of your strength, courage and fortitude—and make sure you’re ready.

Weak moments are much easier to handle when you have a plan and a strong support system.  It’s wonderful if that support system includes family or friends who help you stay on track, but you can also rely on meditation, religious rituals, journaling, counseling or exercising.

If your birthday celebration is coming up and you’re trying to kick the sugar habit, prepare for how you will deal with the tradition of birthday cake.  Will you demand that cake isn’t on the menu, opting instead for a sugar-free, celebratory treat? Or will you enjoy yogurt as guests devour cake and ice cream in your presence?

If you’re a heavy drinker, how will you handle friends who drink heavily and/or places that serve alcohol?  Will you avoid certain people and locations until you’re better prepared for resisting temptation?  Will you sip sparkling grape juice as others indulge in your favorite wine?  Maybe you’ll bring your AA sponsor along for support.

What helps one person to break a bad habit may not suffice for another.  The important thing this is to be ready to handle moments of weakness in a way that works for you.  Consider creating a list of ideas for dealing with situations and triggers before they sneak up and set you back.

“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finally Breaking a Bad Habit

You can save yourself a lot of disappointment with the suggestions above, but don’t let preparation turn into procrastination. The time must come to just do it.

As you say goodbye to your old habits and embrace the joy of changing your life, you’ll experience moments when you’re sure you can do it and moments when you’re ready to give up.  The first 5 days will be the toughest and the whole first month may feel like a roller coaster.

Since we’re most likely to turn to our old habits when the going gets tough, try to steer clear of any added stress during this time. Also, remember to utilize your support system and to look back at the list of why you’re breaking this bad habit.

Remind yourself of how your life will change and of the self improvement benefits that you’re destined to experience. Change isn’t easy, but it is absolutely possible. Now hold on tight and enjoy the ride to success.

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have — and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” –James Belasco

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Ask yourself this question: What is the overall tone of my life?  If you’re living a passionate life, your answer is likely a joyous, long-winded rambling filled with excited anticipation for the present moment.

In a list of 7 Fundamental Truths about Personal Development, Jonathan Wells, touches on the subject of passionate living by encouraging us to get excited about life. I couldn’t agree more!

Passionate Living for Immediate Self Improvement

Of all the self improvement ideas and practices that I embrace, passionate living stands out for actually getting to the core of how we can live life to the fullest NOW.

Living a passionate life is not about meeting a self improvement goal or succeeding at some task. It’s about everything in between goals—the blood, the laughs, the sweat, the tears, the smiles, the silence, the pain.  It’s about fully experiencing the journey.

If you already practice positive thinking, positive affirmations, or other self improvement techniques, why not approach every single step of life’s journey with excitement and appreciation?

To embrace every moment that our souls have in these physical bodies—that is the essence of living a passionate life.

A Newer, More Passionate Approach to Life

For many of us, life is like an obstacle course—we sometimes feel like we’re running out of steam or we don’t think we have enough strength to get over that next hurdle.  We get tired, lost, confused and worn out; but it’s easier to keep going when we approach the challenge with excitement.  And it’s easy to be excited when we know we’re going to win.  We’re all winners in life if we choose to be. Isn’t that exciting?  Doesn’t that give you reason to get passionate about your life?

When we practice passionate living, the road to our personal paradise feels like joy—even when it’s steep, rocky or dark.  The greatest difficulty or disappointment may be experienced as a reminder of how alive we are in the moment.  Every feeling, every experience has its place.  The aches and pains make us so much more aware of how wonderful the good times feel.

How to Start Living A Passionate Life

To live a passionate life we must remember that, no matter what stands before us, it is just a tiny part of our whole journey.  Sure, we can dread what’s around every corner.  We can take everything seriously.  We can plod through life with a dull attitude, hoping something will somehow change for the better.  OR… we can choose to look at the big picture—the journey as a whole.  We can approach every moment, including the challenges, with a child-like excitement.  We can live a passionate life.

The next time something doesn’t go quite the way you hoped, rethink the way you look at it.  After all, a detour means that you take a new route, but the journey continues.

Refocus on the gold at the end of the rainbow instead of worrying about exactly when or how you’ll get to it. This is one of the simplest self improvement ideas, yet it can completely change the way you experience life—starting today.

“Most people don’t allow the happy moment, because they’re so busy trying to get a happy life.”  -Abraham Hicks