SENNAFIRENZE

Night Lights

2012-02-13T23:41:00.000-06:00

The night is only beautiful when you have lights in your walking path. Otherwise, it's all just darkness.

(It's too cold to take a hike, so pics of what could have been will hafta do. Gute Nacht.)

At Least Someone Knows What I'm Doing

2012-02-10T15:38:00.000-06:00

Usually when I'm in a mental rut about what I'm supposed to do with myself when it gets discouraging, I reread or listen to old prophecies. Not that it's my only weapon of choice cuz that would be highly unbiblical, but when I turn back to them they fulfill their original intent outlined in the scriptures:

^"3 But the one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging and comfort. ⁴ Anyone who speaks in a tongue edifies themselves, but the one who prophesies edifies the church." (1 Cor. 14)

I find myself strengthened and ministered to when revisiting the "word of the Lord", when everything was so much clearer than it can be currently with life happening and what have you.

L.A. Versus K.C.

2012-02-08T21:18:00.001-06:00

Can you see the difference?

"Are You One of Those...."

2012-02-05T23:42:00.002-06:00

Chances for me to meet people outside of my Christian circle are rare, sad to say, just because these days I rarely go out just to have fun and meet new people. Anyways, some of the questions I get asked when random people find out about my faith really catch me off-guard, in an amusing kind of way:

-Are you one of those radical Christians? (I wonder what they really think 'radical' means. I usually reply, "Sure, I'd want to die for Jesus if that's what you mean by it.")

-How many times a day do you pray? Five times? (I see the Muslim ritual mixup here)

-Can you have babies before marriage? (I think they meant is it biblical to have babies out of wedlock)

and here's something else I heard recently that made me like, woah, I forgot that this is a given thing outside my bubble:
-I met this girl, and she's like 'saving herself for marriage', and she wonders why her boyfriend broke up with her after a few months.

Questions/statements like these make me realize that people that are not "into Christianity" as they say about themselves most likely don't have people around them that are actually Christian. Which is why when they meet people like me they field their curiosities in the form of what Christians might consider pretty outlandish questions, even simpleton. It's like when a non-Korean comes up to me and I'm the first Korean they know they ask things like, "So do you eat dogs?" I don't think they're ignorant questions, they really just don't know who to ask because they don't know anybody. And even if they do know someone (because ironically, some of these statements came out of people that have personal Christian connections, like their own parents) they may just be waiting around for someone they feel like they can trust to ask. I'm just glad I could be their sounding board. I'm not apologetic or defensive about my faith either, so I guess that's a good thing.

I hope I can meet more cool people like that in my next job assignment.

Singlehood = Curse?

2012-02-01T13:52:00.000-06:00

Making a personal observation: Why is it that people just seem to automatically congratulate people starting to date? Is singlehood in the world's eyes, then, just a "burden" we hafta bear until we are "released"? Granted, I am happy for my friends when they find their other halves, but my attitude towards them is not of, "Wow, so lucky, you're finally out of the rut!"

The time you have as a single is pretty brief when you consider the decades of marriage you will have over it (should your marriage not end up in divorce, that is). You are only young once. Nothing's wrong with you because you aren't taken.

Speaking for myself again, I have been becoming increasingly convicted of my heart's reactions towards couples, which has been mostly based on envy and bitterness. Now it's apparent that I was just being swayed by the world's opinions on that matter. There is an urgency in my spirit to connect with God as a single woman because the way I see it, there isn't much more of it left. Make time count, my single ladies and gents.

Snow!

2012-01-21T14:54:00.000-06:00

Snowed in New York and it's all pretty and such.

And the perfect song to go with the mood.

Oh, by all means, IU is not my favorite singer or anything. She (or her peeps) just happens to be good at remaking songs I like.

가사:

멀어져 가는 저 뒷모습을 바라보면서 난 아직도 이 순간을 이별이라 하지 않겠네 달콤했었지 그 수많았던 추억속에서 흠뻑 젖은 두 마음을 우린 어떻게 잊을까 아- 다시 올거야 너는 외로움을 견딜 수 없어 아- 나의 곁으로 다시 돌아 올거야 그러나 그 시절에 너를 또 만나서 사랑할 수 있 을까 흐르는 그 세월에 나는 또 얼마나 많은 눈물을 흘리려나

Cozy

2012-01-20T20:56:00.001-06:00

Gonna curl up in my bed now! Good night, western hemisphere!

How to Survive in the First World

2012-01-18T23:17:00.001-06:00

You just need a few people in your life:

A good-

1) doctor
2) lawyer
3) mechanic
4) hairdresser/barber
5) accountant
6) real estate agent

Because in the first world order, it's rare to get honest help and not feel like you're constantly getting ripped off. Nothing brings someone more grief than having to deal with shoddy service from any of the above.

Identity Through Commitment

2012-01-17T23:19:00.000-06:00

For those of you that are on a grueling journey to find themselves, here's what gave me freedom:

"Some people ask who they are and expect their feelings to tell them. But feelings are flickering flames that fade after every fitful stimulus. Some people ask who they are and expect their achievements to tell them. But the things we accomplish always leave a core of character unrevealed. Some people ask who they are and expect visions of their ideal self to tell them. But our visions can only tell us what we want to be, not what we are.....

....I am not fated, I am not determined, I am not a lump of human dough whipped into shape by the contingent reinforcement and aversive conditioning of my past. I know as well as the next person that I cannot create my life de novo; I am well aware that much of what I am and what I do is a gift or a curse from my past. But when I make a promise to anyone, I rise above all the conditioning that limits me. No German shepherd ever promised to be there with me. No home computer ever promised to be a loyal help...Only a person can make a promise. And when he does, he is most free." - Lewis Smedes, Christian ethicist.

I know the ideas are a bit jumpy but here's my takeaway point: If you don't know who you are yet, that's fine. But we always need to be in a journey of faith that allows us to jump in, and perhaps that involves making commitments even if you don't know it's suited for you. Because it's your present yes's and no's that show who you are.

Addendum: Although your past choices do not define you at present (Jesus took care of that on the cross), you have to admit it does shape/influence you for future decisions.

Good Advice

2012-01-11T08:51:00.002-06:00

Been receiving some good, timely advice concerning work, relationships, future, and family. The tendency for me is to take things way too cautiously, where I try to determine "once and for all" before embarking on anything even sort of challenging. God created everyone very uniquely, but we're not such big deals. Stop taking things so seriously and enjoy yourself. The world is not that big of a deal.

Also very grateful that I can rely on Godly, biblical counselors and friends to give me a hodgepodge of perspectives on the same subjects. Feels like I get a healthy balance of ideas where I'm not just trying to hear things that makes me feel comfortable, and as a result my thoughts about certain major topics in my life have radically shifted.

iSuck

2012-01-08T22:51:00.000-06:00

I hate feeling useless, but that was exactly what I had to endure during the last two weeks. It resulted from a combination of other very capable leaders, my lack of experience (which resulted in bad decisions), and new environments. Although it was nice in a way to get to turn off the Alpha female switch for once and get back in touch with introverted side, I realized I still don't know anything about anything and it has been an otherwise humbling experience. Situations where you realize you don't know jack are awesome. I'm thankful.

Is Vision Over Yet?

2012-01-02T11:09:00.000-06:00

D-2 and we're at the Jersey office and hopefully soon we can head over to the conference site and unload, unpack, and set up for the next six days. I'm wiped out already but it's not to say I'm not excited. Guess I'm built for this kinda stuff. I'm getting involved with the old KCCC tradition in a new way and I'm anticipating how God will communicate with me during this critical juncture of my life. Always heard life-changing things at this conference.

Couldn't Have Made it Without....

2011-12-31T15:33:00.000-06:00

Mah boyzzzz. The accountability that kept me steady and not as dramatic as I would've been otherwise.

Food Doesn't Taste Good

2011-12-29T20:24:00.001-06:00

Hopefully this doesn't mean that I've got the joy knocked out of me these days, but I don't think I've enjoyed eating in the past year so much. I eat because as a human, I crave, but I don't sit there and bask in the glory of a supposedly heavenly tasting meal as much as I used to. Mealtimes are the most anticlimactic things nowadays.

This doesn't mean I've lost weight over the year, by the way. Guess that means I'm getting older too.

New Random Fact

2011-12-20T16:39:00.003-06:00

Figured I knew everything about myself til I was surveying some old pics (circa two entries ago) and was like,

"Now I know why my hands look so awkward in pics! It's cuz they're too, too big! (more specifically, fat.)"

But I still can't stop cracking my knuckles...booooo...

Uhhhhhh....

2011-12-18T21:50:00.002-06:00

Kim Jong Il's dead??? Wow....just when I was starting to think we were at least going to END the year quietly. What a ridiculous year.

Night like these....

2011-12-14T21:22:00.002-06:00

are for looking at old pics.

Remember Connie Talbot?

2011-12-09T23:24:00.001-06:00

Key words: Britain's Got Talent, Over the Rainbow....if you don't, YouTube it. And then watch her below, singing one of my favorite karaoke songs =D

Gorgeous girl!

Monica - My Favorite Friend

2011-12-02T22:40:00.001-06:00

I never thought I could relate to a fictional character until I saw this woman's antics on TV:

The following is a three-way conversation at Rachel's baby shower after Monica made some goofs with Rachel's mother that caused some tension between the two:

Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!
Monica: What?
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe: For how long?
Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
Phoebe: She can’t hear you.
Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
Rachel: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
Monica: That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!
Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)
Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.

Phoebe: Oh, honey. You have to let it go.

Monica: Okay. (Pause) Who doesn’t accept an apology!? I mean, it’s just so simple. "I’m sorry Sandra", "That’s okay Monica. I forgive you. And by the way, you’re very pretty."

She totally airs out the thoughts in my head for me to laugh at! What a quintessential middle child, anxious, insecure, motherly (she's not all bad), dysfunctional, and anal retentive! All me! Hah.

Something Different

2011-12-01T23:25:00.001-06:00

The guys over at Loen Entertainment have a knack for creating things with a dark Alice In Wonderland vibe. Me likey! Kinda tired of the futuristic sexy robots and/or double agent stuff the other people are doing (yes, I clumped a buncha themes together into one sentence). The performance below is of a song I believe should have gotten more exposure. It's pretty theatrical (me likey drama).

Things Mary/Martha-related

2011-11-27T22:52:00.001-06:00

My takeaway point regarding these two standout ladies of the New Testament is that Mary was a person of impeccable timing. I'm sure when Jesus wasn't visiting, she was giving Martha a run for her money when it came to chores. Mary's skill was in being able to distinguish between a time to sit, and a time to cook.

I've been real busy this past month and most of my activities involved church work. Today marks the beginning of a week where I'll be able to actually sit and reflect and check my motives. And reprioritize. I've been so busy doing "God's work" that I've run the risk of keeping God out of it, if you know what I mean. Going to bed with some good ol' music in my ears, and refrain from doing any schedule coordinating, emailing, editing, or checking my to-do list multiple times.

Good night.

Too Old to Start Dreaming? Think Again.

2011-11-22T23:21:00.001-06:00

Good evening, world.

The day you realize you haven't been living the life you want, that is, the day you actually know what you want to do, is never a day too late.

This was a test by the emergency broadcast system. BEEP.

Starring in My Own Movie

2011-11-13T21:39:00.001-06:00

Last Monday I woke up at 9 in the morning to try to make an internship info session in Brooklyn by 1pm. Knowing that public transportation in NYC very well has the potential to blow up in your face unexpectedly (I say that without exaggeration), I walked out of my house around 10:30am, budgeting for two hours of travel. I did not want to miss this orientation - on the craigslist posting it said latecomers would not be granted entry, and I did not want to have to turn back after two hours of traveling just to have to repeat the trip in vain.

The bus got to Flushing in the expected amount of time, and from there I took the 7 train, transferred to the E, then the Q at 42nd which would take me into Brooklyn. I looked at the digital prompt in the Q train and saw that I had around 20 minutes to spare and breathed a sigh of relief. I just needed to transfer to the R train and from there I had one more stop, then just two blocks to walk to my destination. But then the unexpected happened, i.e., the "blowing up in your face" that was mentioned earlier. On the R train I heard this announcement:

"Due to trackwork, this train will be making only express stops. Please exit at blahblah station and take train blah and blah to reach the local stops."

15 minutes remaining.

Uhhhhh........what the HELL.

"It's just one stop away....maybe it's not THAT far? Maybe I can walk there from here in time?" So I jet out of the train as the doors close, run up a flight of steps and check the street map.

"One...two....three....four.....OK, just FOUR blocks! I can do this! I'm at the NW exit. Which direction do I have to go when I get out?" My brain does a spatial sci-fi warp thing and after I determine my coordinates, I dash up the last flight of steps leading to the street. Trusting my gut, I run in the direction given by my natural GPS. But after a minute of running, I say to myself,

"Where am I?" I couldn't see the streets I was looking for. Turns out I'd been running in the wrong direction. (Now's the time to invest in a smartphone)

Ten minutes left.

I want to just sit down and cry.

I started to walk back in the opposite direction, feeling EPIC FAIL/wiped out/moronic. "Ugh, now I have to try and make it tomorrow again. I barely have any money to refill my Metrocard....I'm SO DUMB!!!"

A light at the end of the tunnel.

I look up while in the middle of a debate with myself (is it worth it to try again the next day) and in the distance I spy a familiar street sign that I saw on the map. And that's when I realize, "OH EM GEE it's just four streets from here!..........."

................RUN.

Have you ever run in a way no one could deny you weren't just a casual jogger on the street? I had on jeans, a hoodie, down vest, and a shoulder bag, which happily flapped up and down my side as I was bolting like I was running from an explosion. Still don't know how I did that on an empty stomach and after literally months of not exercising. People stared at me as I huffed and puffed down the blocks, and when construction barricades were blocking off the sidewalk that I needed to get through I ran on the adjacent street where cars were whizzing past (do not follow my example it was really dangerous what I was doing). Still, people must have seen either the desperation in my eyes or judged my attire to rightly assess that I wasn't doing this for fun and they moved away from me to make way. Even cars inched away a bit when I was running past them.

Finally, like a scene out of a movie, I got to the street where the meeting was going to be held. I saw a couple of people stop and stare at a building to check their addresses and go in. I followed them inside and tried to catch my breath to pretend like I didn't run like a motherfather and checked the time again.

1pm. I'd made it.

I Need a Good Cry

2011-11-10T23:32:00.001-06:00

Not that anything's happened (recently) to provoke me to tears, but I think I'm missing out on healthy stress relief by attempting to process everything head-first. I'm a thinker by nature, so when unnerving situations/conversations come I always try to think first to prevent reacting emotionally. It's like I've conditioned myself over the years to shoot the stress straight up to my brain and tell myself, "Crying/fussing's not gonna help you right now." No release, although I do admit the way I handle things is the result of years of trial and error.

Yesterday I walked the length of Highline Park as the sun was setting (it was gorgeous, beautiful, you name it) and felt a tear coming, probably because everything was so beautiful and I had no one to share it with, but my walking outpaced whatever was trying to come out and I didn't allow myself to be still. Story of my life! So distracted that I hardly have time to do what needs to get done.

A Decade of Fortunate Events

2011-11-10T01:26:00.001-06:00


Sorry 'bout the insecure cover-up (my eyes were half open). Anyways, this is a pic of us at Bryant Park with Crumbs cupcakes

My friend Angel texted Tuesday night and asked me to meet up with her this morning. Well, not until I first texted back, "Who is this? I don't have your number in my phone." I haven't seen this girl in person since....2009, and before that, 2007. She's been traveling, I've been traveling, and in all the 9 years we've known each other it's been difficult to see each other on a regular basis. So every time we get together we play catch up. Even still, it's nice, and she's almost like a childhood friend in that we don't hit those awkward patches during conversation.

I asked her a pointed question seeing as we're on the last leg of our youthful twenties (both turning 30 in a few months ugh!) and it was an opportunity to reflect - How would you define your twenties? What would be the theme of your thirties then?

This was the word for my 20s: Discipline. God just whipping me into shape because no one else could and would. I've still got a long way to go but His love was displayed in the form of a mirror - I got to see myself for who I really was, all the redeemed and needs-work areas. Basing myself on His identity. Preparation for the long haul. I read a really good piece of advice from an article recently, and it said that if you must spend your energy on something in your twenties, invest in relationships. I have a hunch that the relationships I've made during the past decade will play crucial roles for my 30s.

I believe the theme for my 30s is Courage. I shared that word with Angel and she near-gasped, "Oh my gosh, that's gonna be so hard," probably cuz she went through a significant measure of that in her 20s and it was pretty much sopping wet buckets for her (lotsa crying if you know what I mean). The 30s for me are going to be mostly about career-building, which, if you know me, is going to require a whole lotta supernatural power. I've finally admitted to myself that the Production world is where I want to be at for now and can I just say before I go on that I'm just gonna trust in faith that God's timing is perfect, even though I'm not liking how I "discovered" this a little late? Sigh. Anyways, this is gonna be a rough decade. Trying to stay realistic though, since I'm not an optimist by nature but still want to deliberately steer clear of pessimism.