Sentinel Dispatch

INTERVIEW: God Calls Kirk Cameron "Unnatural" For Not Having Aged Since 1992

2012-03-05T14:35:00.001-05:00

Los Angeles, CA

Retired talk show host Larry King has repeatedly been asked which celebrity or world leader he wished he had had the chance to interview, and consistently his answer has been the same: the late Pope John Paul II. Well, he may not have interviewed the popular pontiff, but he has scored perhaps the biggest interview in recent memory.

In an interview to be aired on his old network CNN this Thursday, Larry King sits across the table from God himself. In honour of Mr. King's historic career, the Almighty, sporting his trademark long white hair and impressive beard, also wore yellow glowing suspenders in a nod to King.

But while Mr. King tried to keep the interview steered toward the topics of middle east peace and the reasons why "bad things happen to good people," God had other things on his mind, namely a former teen idol.

"What happened to Kirk Cameron?" asked the omnipotent deity. This comes only days after Kirk Cameron, formerly the star of Growing Pains, appeared on CNN's Piers Morgan Tonight, and declared that homosexuality is "detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization." Mr. Cameron then went on to call homosexuality "unnatural."

God slammed Mr. Cameron in his interview with Mr. King, saying, "Kirk, look in the mirror!" You haven't aged a day since Growing Pains ended in 1992? What are you doing to yourself? Botox? Plastic surgery? Cryogenically freezing yourself at the end of each day? You're 41 years old! Watch who you're calling unnatural!"

When Mr. King tried to steer the conversation to the strife in Syria, God continued his diatribe on the native of Los Angeles. "I've been ashamed at Kirk's movie choices during the last decade, they've been, frankly horrible."

Cameron has "starred" in several Bible-based apocalyptic films in the last decade, including Left Behind, Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force, and Left Behind: World at War, with the latter two flicks going straight-to-video. Scott Weinberg of DVDTalk says the following about Left Behind: "As a movie, Left Behind is an abject failure, and as religious propaganda it's even worse. Were I a staunch believer in the Evangelical teachings, I'd absolutely cringe at the way my beliefs were carried across in this laughable film. But I suppose you have to take the bad with the good when you truly believe you're one of God's "chosen angels." These folks get eternity in heaven, while I'm stuck here watching the Left Behind trilogy. The one that stars Kirk Cameron."

When pressed by Mr. King for an explanation of Mr. Cameron's declining acting abilities, God simply shook his head and replied, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, Larry."

The exclusive interview with God appears Thursday night on CNN. A significant amount of time is also spent talking about the Republican Presidential Campaign, since God is a card-carrying Republican.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

McDonald's Set To Compete With Pubs

2012-03-03T10:45:00.002-05:00

New York, NY

First they took on Starbucks, and now pub-owners around the world should take notice. McDonald's is about to move into your neighbourhood in an entirely new way.

In 2009, McDonald's Restaurants began opening McCafé's in North America, after having success in European countries such as Germany. Overall the initiative, which includes selling specialty drinks such as latte's and cappuccino's, has been a huge success. Starting this fall, McDonald's will start serving alcohol under the name McDonnelly's.

"We see a huge opportunity within the pub-type market," said McDonald's spokeswoman Kelly Patrick when contacted by The Sentinel Dispatch. "It just makes sense that we literally tap the keg of this obvious rich source of income."

Starting in September, McDonalds Restaurant Corp. will begin serving alcohol "as early as the law in each country permits," said Ms. Patrick. For instance, in Ontario, Canada, McDonalds/McDonnelly's will be able to serve a pint of Labatts Blue with your Big Mac starting at 11am. Stores that typically close early will extend their hours to "last call," which in Ontario is 2:00a.m.

Alcohol service will not be available through drive-thru.

Many children's protection groups are raising alarm bells over McDonald's decision, saying that the fast-food chain has always been known as a family friendly brand. "Imagine some drunk guy wobbling around tapping his rum 'n' coke against the glass of McDonald's Playlands," remarked Gerry Holland, a representative of Protecting Our Future Generations (POFG). "Children see enough alcohol abuse happening at home; they don't need to see it when they're getting their picture taken with a life-size sculpture of the Hamburgler."

Alternately, a handful of children's rights groups are praising McDonald's, saying "Children are being exposed to alcohol at home from an early age. They should be seeing it in public as early as possible as well. This will ensure a smooth transition to adolescent inebriation," said Frank Rowlands, chair of GOCW (Granting Our Children's Wishes.)

All McDonald's employees will be required to take additional training in order to be able to serve alcohol.

McDonnelly's is set to roll out in select North American cities on Friday, September 7, 2012, and the initiative will expand from there.

From Our New York City Bureau

REPORT: Riot Police Prepare For Anti-Bullying Rally

2012-02-28T19:08:00.000-05:00

Toronto, ON

It seems as if somebody didn't get the memo. February 29th is supposed to be a day about anti-bullying, which has consisted of peaceful events across the country. However, it appears this year is different, and Metro Toronto Police are ready.

According to police spokeswoman Constable Teresa Schmidt, supporters for breast cancer awareness are set to disrupt anti-bullying rallies "on a large scale" tomorrow, claiming that the anti-bullying groups have stolen their designated colour - pink. Pink has been the colour associated with breast cancer awareness for decades, and now, some say, anti-bullying campaigners have stolen their hues. "Breast cancer has been around for much longer than bullying," said Wendy Bernard, chair of the Etobicoke Cancer Centre. "We never heard anything about bullying until a couple of years ago, and now they want to use pink as their colour? It's just not right."

The anti-bullying campaign has been using pink as their colour to rally behind since 2007, when a high school student in Nova Scotia was made fun of for wearing a pink shirt. "Why couldn't this student have worn a green shirt that day, or just stayed home?" said Ms. Bernard.

Toronto Police has been monitoring social media and are aware of threats such as certain breast cancer survivors spray-painting the anti-bullying crowd, using different colours such as red or magenta. "We are fully prepared to use our riot squad if needed," said Constable Schmidt. "We have heard rumours of a massive riot at City Hall."

Smaller riots between breast cancer survivors and the anti-bullying crowd are expected in Vancouver, Halifax, and Montreal.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Conservative MP Says Life Begins Before Conception

2012-02-16T18:05:00.000-05:00

Ottawa, Ontario

When Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's Conservative Party was handed a majority in last spring's federal election, you could hear a collective sigh of relief from his MP's on Parliament Hill. No longer did they have to work in an uncooperative minority parliament, nor did they have to worry about running in another election until 2015.

However, it seems that some Conservative MP's have relaxed a little too much.

On Thursday afternoon, The Sentinel Dispatch obtained a series of documents from a Conservative Member of Parliament which clearly state that he is preparing legislation that would state that human life begins before conception.

According to MP James Thompson, a human life begins "even before any coital activity." Thompson states that human life begins the moment a man and woman "think of having a baby."

"Thoughts are as powerful as actions," writes the 63-year-old grandfather of 3. "As a woman conceives in her mind of holding that baby, nursing that baby, and raising that baby, she is effectively creating a human life. This life must be vigorously defended."

Thompson's line of thinking seems to take the popular "Law of Attraction" belief, commonly known as The Secret, to a whole new level. Basically, this belief states that if a person focuses their thoughts on something which they desire, eventually it will come to pass. However, the practising Roman Catholic takes a more biblical approach.

"The Bible says that if you lust after a woman, you have already committed an inappropriate act with her. It is natural then to conclude that if you are thinking of having a child, that child is already alive."

The release of the documents comes only weeks after another Conservative MP caused a stir over the rights of a fetus.

Mr. Thompson, a Member of Parliament for over a decade, proposes several recommendations:

Boosting the sluggish economy by creating thousands of new counselling jobs. These counsellors would conduct extensive nation-wide phone polling in order to determine how many couples are thinking about having children.
After retrieving the above information, the counsellors would set up weekly online counselling sessions wherein they would instill the importance of "holding the child in mind."
In the case that a couple abruptly decided to stop thinking about having a child, each person would face up to a $25,000 fine and up to 10 years imprisonment under a new law listed as "mental homicide."

James Thompson's constituency office was not returning phone calls Thursday afternoon.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

With Whitney Gone, Celine Crowned Most Annoying Diva On Planet

2012-02-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles, CA

It should have been a purely celebratory occasion full of glitz and glamour. Instead, the 54th Annual Grammy Awards held last night were a mixture of pomp and deep sadness over the death of singer Whitney Houston.

Several presenters and performers paid tribute to the 48 year old singer of I Wanna Dance With Somebody and I Will Always Love You. But while those gathered inside took in the mixture of joy and grief, entertainment reporters and gossip websites were outside, trying to get any scoop they possibly could on the details of the passing of the former Mrs. Bobby Brown.

When told by authorities that "it could take weeks" to find out the exact cause of Ms. Houston's death, some reporters - as well as fans - started asking the inevitable: "Without Whitney, who is now the most annoying diva around?"

It turns out that they didn't have to do much research. Rolling Stone magazine asked readers, entertainment insiders, and artists alike to answer a secure online questionnaire in October of 2011 dealing with the subject. The question posed was: "Which diva in Western society today should be considered the most annoying?" Its definition of diva came from the Hamilton-Propper dictionary: "a person in a place of fame that exhibits unusual, obnoxious, and often narcissistic behaviour."

According to Rolling Stone associate editor Maxwell Retson, the magazine was going to dedicate its front cover to the answer. There's only one problem - that "most annoying diva" was none other than Whitney Houston.

Retson provided The Sentinel Dispatch with the top 5 results. 8,459 people took part in the questionnaire.

1) Whitney Houston

2) Celine Dion

3) Beyoncé

4) Britney Spears

5) Amy Winehouse*

*Winehouse passed away in July of 2011.

With Ms. Houston's early death, the title of most annoying diva falls to Canadian-born Celine Dion. "It was almost a statistical tie between Ms. Houston and Ms. Dion," said New York producer K-Heir, a contributor to the poll. "The rest weren't even close."

Celine Dion rose to fame in 1990 with her first hit Where Does My Heart Beat Now, which was followed up by a highly successful duet with Peabo Bryson for the movie Beauty and the Beast.

But as initially impressed as many were by her initial musical offerings, they were taken aback by her personal life. In 1994, she married her manager Rene Angelil, who is 26 years older than her. Dion's music career began when she had sent a cassette tape to Angelil - when she was 12.

The couple's wedding reception sealed Dion's place in diva kingdom. As if a 20-foot train on her wedding dress wasn't enough, for the evening portion, the theme was Arabic with camels, exotic birds, and musicians as entertainment. (Writer: Remind me to book my camels early - they go fast.)

As the years progressed, fans increasingly began to tire of Celine. The most notable example of this was her rendition of My Heart Will Go On from the Titanic soundtrack in 1997. Everywhere you went, there was Celine. In the grocery store, in the elevator, at work, while sitting in the dentists chair (a double whammy.) Her voice, it was said, began to take on a shrill quality. So much so, that when surveyed by The Sentinel Dispatch, 24 metropolitan hospitals in America and Canada reported that emergency room visits spiked in late 1997, with young girls complaining of severe headaches, an uncontrollable urge to bolt out of a room, and bleeding ears.

The singer, who has recently been showcased in Las Vegas, has also been the cause of significant strife between the United States and Canada. According to public records, during a G20 meeting in Switzerland in 1998, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien apologized for Ms. Dion to U.S. President Bill Clinton. And in late January of this year, current President Barack Obama suggested to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper that "extra screening at the border may have to take place considering not only Ms. Dion's presence, but that of Justin Bieber, Alanis Morissette, and Lady Gaga." (Note: Gaga herself was not born Canadian, but she sometimes prefers to take on a Canadian persona, Nicolette Richeleau.) According to the report, U.S. Border Patrol have been ordered, as of March 1st, to have people arriving from Canada sing the first verse & the chorus from My Heart Will Go On, "and if they exhibit any sign of the kind of talent Ms. Dion has, to turn them away."

The Sentinel Dispatch repeatedly tried to procure an interview with Ms. Dion, without success. According to her agent, Steven Simard, "Ms. Dion just got back from her vacation in Marrakesh, where she was able to procure 5 boxes of authentic Cuban cigars. She prefers to be left alone at this time with Rene and her 3 children as she, along with her two miniature Clydesdale horses, smokes them.

From our Los Angeles Bureau

REPORT: Costner Feels Responsible For Whitney Houston's Death

2012-02-12T00:01:00.002-05:00

Los Angeles, CA

The 54th Annual Grammy Awards will take place tonight in the City of Angels, and all assembled will be wishing they had one of those angels back.

Whitney Houston, 48, was found dead in her hotel room at the Beverly Hills Hilton Saturday afternoon at approximately 7pm EST. The cause of her death is unknown.

The singer of smash hits including I Wanna Dance With Somebody and Saving All My Love For You was thought to be making a comeback after years of drug and marital problems.

Celebrities immediately took to Twitter and Facebook to mourn the loss of Houston:

"Wow. RIP Whitney Houston. Grew up on her," actress Elizabeth Banks said. "She contributed to the soundtrack of many of my 12-year old sleepover parties."

Mariah Carey released a series of tweets, saying, "Heartbroken and in tears over the shocking death of my friend, the incomparable Ms. Whitney Houston. My heartfelt condolences to Whitney's family and to all her millions of fans throughout the world. She will never be forgotten as one of the greatest voices to ever grace the earth."

Nick Lachey tweeted, "How tragic to hear about Whitney Houston's passing. Such a shame. She had one of the most iconic voices of my lifetime," prompting some entertainment reporters in Los Angeles and New York to search Wikipedia in order to find out who Nick Lachey was.

But no one is more distraught over the death of Houston than Kevin Costner, according to his agent Tammy Morrison. At a hastily arranged press conference in Beverly Hills, Morrison reluctantly read a statement from Costner:

"I let her down. I should have been there, and I wasn't. And now for the rest of my life I will have to live with that pain. I didn't know how to tell her how I really felt about her, and wasn't sure that it was appropriate. But you only live once, and I'll never regret the nature of our relationship."

Costner, 57, briefly worked for Houston as a bodyguard in 1992 when the Grammy Award winner was receiving death threats. The two reportedly entered into an intimate relationship at that time, which intensified when Houston, her son, sister, and driver fled to Costner's family cabin for safety in November of 1992. Houston's sister was killed by an assassin during this time, but Houston had no time to mourn, as she kept her schedule of promoting her latest movie. Later, in one of live television's most shocking moments, Houston narrowly escaped death when Costner, a former secret service agent in the Ronald Reagan administration, jumped in front of her and was shot as she stood to accept her award for Best Actress.

"I saved her then, I should have saved her now," the statement read. "She was my one true love. I still have I Will Always Love You as my ringtone, and I count it a badge of honour every time I get mocked or assaulted for it."

Los Angeles Police report that they have arrested 42 men and women who have shown up and pelted eggs at Costner's mansion.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

BREAKING NEWS: Ron Paul To Divorce Wife Of 55 Years

2012-02-02T21:38:00.000-05:00

St. Paul, MN

Republican Presidential hopeful Ron Paul may have the support of the majority of Republicans from the ages of 30-35 and the Twitter vote, but he will now continue his campaign without the company of his closest ally - his wife Carol.

A spokesman for Paul confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch Thursday evening that the couple, married for 55 years, had been having "difficulties" for several weeks, and that Mrs. Paul would no longer be appearing with her husband on the campaign trail.

According to reports, the difficulties began in early December when Carol began to lose her "uncanny" ability to recite all 27 Amendments to the Constitution of the United States. CNN interviewed long-time family friend William Hilson on Thursday. "Ron and Carol had this endearing tradition for the last 40 years of taking turns reciting the 27 Amendments before retiring for the night," the resident of Houston said. "This past December Carol began to mix up their order, and then eventually couldn't remember anything past the 19th Amendment."

According to Hilson, this was unacceptable to Mr. Paul.

The physician by trade mentions the word "constitution," along with "liberty," so frequently that it has become a drinking game for college students. He "began to see Carol as a liability to his campaign, though he never doubted her patriotism."

According to campaign aides, Mrs. Paul is "understandably crushed but has many friends and family supporting her during this difficult time." There is already speculation of an eventual reconciliation if Carol can regain her ability to recite the 27 Amendments.

Mr. Paul, a native of Pittsburgh, and his soon to be ex-wife have 5 children together.

From Our Minneapolis Bureau

BREAKING NEWS: Romney Campaign Faces Possible Crisis; Woman Comes Forward

2012-02-01T00:56:00.000-05:00

Miami, FL

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. It was that kind of night for Mitt Romney on Tuesday. Mere hours after trouncing chief Republican rival Newt Gingrich in the Florida primary by approximately 240,000 votes, a French woman has come forward with allegations of a romantic relationship with Romney.

Maria Plachette, 58, of Bordeaux, France released a statement to MSNBC that she "had a brief but passionate relationship" with the Presidential candidate during the summer of 1966. The former governor of Massachusetts belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon), which requires its youth to spend at least 2 years in missionary service. Romney spent 30 months in France beginning in July of 1966. It is widely documented that his living conditions were quite poor during this time, as he had to share a small apartment with 4 other missionaries. There were strict rules against drinking, smoking, and dating. However, according to Plachette, Romney would arrange to meet with her frequently, telling his fellow missionaries he wanted to experience more of the French culture and learn the language.

Plachette's claims are potentially devastating to the 64 year old's campaign, as he has repeatedly stated at rallies, and in a book, that he had never dated anyone but his wife Ann, and that he followed Mormonism's strict rules on relationships "to the letter." According to the LDS Church, "persons that have romantic intentions toward one another may converse and worship together, but are forbidden of any physical contact prior to marriage." Many Mormon's who have left the church tell stories of strict punishment if this rule is not followed.

Plachette, a mother of 3 and a kindergarten teacher, recalls her time with Romney in her news release: "I met this young American man at the market one day, and I helped him speak to the man selling vegetables. We struck up a conversation that day and ended up walking and talking for 3 hours. After that, whenever he wasn't going to people's houses, we would meet and talk about American movies and culture. Then one day he put his hand in mine; I remember it as if it were yesterday. He had firm hands and I liked that very much. He was probably the best hand-holder I have ever met."

Mitt Romney (R) c. 1966

Asked if the relationship went any further physically, Plachette, originally from the port city of Le Havre, said, "Absolutely not. Holding hands with Mitt was the most thrilling experience of my life."

When contacted by The Sentinel Dispatch late Tuesday, campaign advisor David Gregson said the news was "unfortunate given that we already are not popular with the conservative vote." Gregson admitted the campaign is in "full damage control mode."

The news comes weeks after fellow Republican contender Herman Cain halted his campaign due to allegations of sexual impropriety by several women.

From Our Miami Bureau

REPORT: Majority of Population Wants Bieber To Donate Organs "Immediately"

2012-01-31T17:48:00.000-05:00

Vancouver, BC

Helene Campbell is just your average 20 year old girl. She spends much of her time on Twitter, Facebook, or at the mall; sometimes she does all three simultaneously. But there's one thing that she needs which she won't find at Abercrombie & Fitch or Old Navy.

Helene needs a new pair of lungs. Her condition is called idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis and Campbell is able to use only 24 per cent of her lung capacity.

Recently the Ottawa native who now lives in Toronto for treatments, came up with an idea: Why not tweet Justin Bieber and see if he can be of some help. "I've been a huge fan ever since I was 17," Campbell said, "And if there's one person who would care about something like organ donation, it would be him."

Thus she tweeted, ""Hey @justinbieber! I BELIEB you should use that Canadian voice of yours and help save lives like mine #beaanorgandonor beadonor.ca #giveblood,"

Helene began receiving responses within an hour. Actress Rachel McAdams of London, Ontario put her support behind organ donation, as did comedian Rick Mercer. Howie Mandel responded in kind, saying he'd be happy to donate his hand as long as the recipient vowed to keep it clenched.

And then the unthinkable happened for Miss Campbell. She received the following tweet from the teen heartthrob:

“@alungstory I got the word . . . You have amazing strength. I got u. #BeAnOrganDonor.”

The Stratford native's tweet reached his 16.5 million followers.

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch, a representative of the Trillium Gift of Life Network said that the number of organ donor registrations "spiked" after the story broke.

Campbell also received a personal Facebook message from Bieber, saying "Lemme know, I'm here 4 u, I have lots 2 give." Campbell in turn forwarded the message to other major news outlets such as The Toronto Star and the New York Times.

That's when an editor at the Times came up with a poll: When should Justin Bieber donate his organs? The choices were:

1) Upon his death
2) In 10 years when no one cares about him anymore
3) Immediately

As of press time, an astounding 98.9 % of 52, 287 people who responded said that Bieber should donate his organs immediately.

The Sentinel Dispatch attempted to reach Bieber repeatedly, but without success.

BREAKING NEWS: Bob Rae Crosses Floor To Conservatives

2012-01-27T20:13:00.000-05:00

Toronto, ON

In last spring's Canadian federal election, only 61.1% of eligible voters showed up to cast their ballot for the next Canadian Parliament. Chances are that Friday evening's news will not increase their faith in the Canadian electoral process.

After being decimated in the May 2nd election to just 34 seats (now 35 after Quebec NDP MP Lise St-Denis defected to their party earlier this month), the Liberal Party of Canada is left reeling after a defection of their own - their interim leader, Bob Rae.

Rae, flanked by his wife Arlene Perly and his closest advisers, stunned a packed crowd in his Toronto-Centre constituency office on Friday when he revealed that while he is Liberal at heart, "at this time I feel I would serve my party best by joining the Conservative Party of Canada."

Bob Rae served as former NDP Premier of Ontario from 1990 to 1993, a tumultuous time to say the least. Soon after he cut ties with the left-leaning party and on April 5th of 2006, after years of being courted by the Liberals, he applied for membership within their party and immediately began leadership aspirations. In the Liberal leadership election that year, Rae came in third to Stéphane Dion and long-time friend Michael Ignatieff, After Dion's disastrous results in the next federal election, calls came from many Liberals to replace him quickly, and several candidates emerged, including Michael Ignatieff, Dominic LeBlanc and Rae. Eventually the latter two would cease their campaigns, handing the leadership to Ignatieff.

Bob Rae was instantly considered a top candidate to replace Ignatieff after the embarrassing loss in the 2011 election, however the Liberal party leadership decided that whomever would take on the rather-lengthy (almost 2 year) position of Interim Leader would need to pledge not to run as permanent leader at the next leaders convention. On May 19, 2011, Bob Rae agreed to this and stated that he would be happy to be interim leader and not run for permanent Liberal leader.

However, many within and outside the party have been skeptical of Rae's future intentions, thinking that the 63-year old would find a way to become the permanent leader of one of Canada's most storied political forces.

Today's events seem to be geared to such an outcome. In a short statement, wearing a deep blue tie with a red design, Rae made his announcement:

"Good evening my Liberal friends. Thank you for gathering on such short notice. I am here on this Friday evening to announce my resignation as interim leader of the Liberal Party of Canada." After a short pause he continued. "Currently the leadership of this party has rules set in place that prevent the interim leader from seeking the permanent leadership of our great party in the next leadership race. I have served in the interim position faithfully and have worked hard for the Liberal cause as we are rebuilding the party. Having said this, it is no secret that I would like to stay on and lead our great party and once again see the rise of Canada's natural governing party. So my advisers and I have come to this decision: effective immediately I will resign from interim Liberal leader and the Liberal party altogether while they sort through this. I do not feel that it would serve my constituents well if I sat as an independent. After briefly considering joining the New Democrats, I realized that there is too much history between us. So late this morning I called Prime Minister Harper in Switzerland and he welcomed me into the Conservative Party of Canada fold until such a time when the Liberal Party spells out its rules for the next leadership contest. Now, during this time, however long it may be, I have promised to serve the Conservative cause, as, after all, Canadians handed Mr. Harper and his qualified team a majority in the last election. I will be "true blue" as they call it and vote with the government for as long as it takes for Liberals to get their, well, sh** together. At that time I will cross the floor back to the Liberals and run for the leadership."

Rae was then joined onstage by several Toronto area Conservative MP's, who posed with him for several pictures. As per Conservative policy, Rae took 4 questions from pre-picked members of the media, and then exited the office.

In a statement from Davos, Switzerland, Prime Minister Harper said, "While it was a bit of a shock to get the call from Bob today, it was not a surprise for I, nor I assume for many Canadians. I welcome him into the Conservative Party of Canada."

From Our Toronto Bureau

BREAKING NEWS: NDP Leader Race Down To Seven After Candidates Join Forces

2012-01-26T22:41:00.000-05:00

Toronto, ON

Seven is not a small number when trying to pick the next leader of the Official Opposition, but it sounds better than nine.

Weeks after Nova Scotia MP Robert Chisholm backed out of the race to replace Jack Layton, largely due to his lack of mastery of the French language, two candidates have announced that they are joining forces as of next Monday.

New Democrats around the country will choose a new leader on March 24th at their convention in Toronto, and the websites of leadership hopefuls, along with social media, are jammed with policy statements, endorsements, and pictures from the previous nights pub night.

Despite the excitement within the party itself, when polled by The Sentinel Dispatch, only 2 in 10 Canadians could name the remaining 8 candidates after Mr. Chisholm, with three quarters of those polled suggesting that there should be fewer candidates.

The candidates as they stand today are Martin Singh, Niki Ashton, Brian Topp, Peggy Nash, Paul Dewar, Romeo Saganash, Nathan Cullen, and Thomas Mulcair. However, in a surprising move, on Monday morning morning two candidates will announce that they have joined forces and will run one campaign.

According to aides from both campaigns, Toronto MP Peggy Nash and Quebec MP Romeo Saganash will team up "in order to show Canadians that New Democrats are committed to working together," said Timothy Scott, a Nash aide. According to Scott, the move "just makes sense." "I think that a lot of Canadians would hear the surnames Nash and Saganash and wondered if Peggy and Romeo were related in some way."

David Willoughby, a close friend of Mr. Saganash, confirmed the move. "It just makes sense at this point. Romeo is 50 years old, Peggy is 51. Romeo speaks English, French, Cree, and Spanish, while Peggy speaks English, French and Spanish. Also, they complement each other. Romeo has been focusing on reconciliation as well as justice issues, and Ms. Nash is currently focusing on a child-care policy as well as maintaining strong ties to the labour movement."

Asked what a Saganash-Nash candidacy would look like, MP Libby Davies said that the public will find out the results Monday, and let it slip that indeed Mr. Saganash and Ms. Nash have undergone a controversial surgery at Toronto's Sunnybrook Hospital. "Romeo and Peggy were having bourbon after the Toronto debate a few days ago, and began talking about conjoined twins. Peggy pondered why it was possible to separate two people but not to join two people. That's when the process began."

After talking with several doctors across the country, both Nash and Saganash were contacted by Dr. Marcia Langston from Sunnybrook, who offered to join the two of them into one candidate. According to Peter Murphy of The Sentinel Dispatch, the procedure has already taken place, with the new candidate adopting the name Peggeo Saganash. "It's the perfect mix," said NDP strategist Brad Lavigne. "Romeo appeals to Quebec voters and aboriginals, and Peggy has large support in the cities. This is an unprecedented sacrifice by Peggeo."

A poll released post-surgery revealed that the new Saganash hybrid had vaulted into second place behind Thomas Mulcair.

In related news, word out of Brian Topp's campaign is that he is thinking of travelling to Vancouver for charisma injections.

From Our Toronto Bureau

BREAKING NEWS: Tim Hortons To Introduce 16-Litre Pails Of Coffee

2012-01-21T17:42:00.000-05:00

Chicoutimi, PQ

If you thought that working at Tim Hortons was an easy job, try being behind the counter this coming Monday.

On Monday, January 23rd, the behemoth Canadian coffee chain will introduce their controversial new cup sizes for hot drinks.

According to their website, "a large Double-Double will become a medium Double-Double.There isn't a change in the price or amount of beverage - it's only the name of the size that's changing."

One change however is the new 24 ounce extra large size, which has many customers satisfied: "This will allow me to drink half my Timmies during the first half of my shift, then microwave it and drink the rest later in the day," said construction worker Tom Norman of Saskatoon.

However, with a new press release Saturday morning, physicians across the country are raising alarm bells.

Tim Hortons media officer Nancy Tinsdale announced this morning that the 24oz extra large wasn't quite enough.

"Tim Hortons is proud to announce this morning that we have reached a deal to partner with Home Depot Canada in order to introduce a 16 litre pail of coffee to the Canadian consumer. Originally we thought that the 24oz cup would be enough for the average consumer, but we began receiving calls and input through our website. Many people told us how they drink at least 4 or 5 cups of coffee a day. Therefore we came up with this idea."

Starting Monday, customers can step up to the counter and order the "Timmies Titanic," a 16 litre pail of coffee prepared to their liking - double-double, black, triple-triple, etc. The original cost of the pail, provided by Home Depot, will be $10.99, and re-fills will be $7.99. Also, for those who are afraid that they can not drink the amount of coffee before it becomes cold, there will be a special heating blanket that the customer can purchase for a one-time fee of $8.99.

Doctors and paediatricians across Canada are sounding alarm bells. "Sixteen litres of coffee? If the coffee is caffeinated, there's the first problem. Too much caffeine can cause hyper-activity as well as heart palpitations," said Dr. Wendy Reelstin of Halifax. "And then if you add all the cream and sugar that will be in these pails, and it's a virtual heart-attack. There is no need for this at all."

When asked about the new Timmies Titanic, some were clearly pleased. "The NHL already partners with Tim Hortons to bring their coffee into many of our arenas. Now if a group of friends are enjoying a hockey game, they can simply order a pail of coffee and pass it down the row. It's all about sharing and coming together," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.

While the new 24oz extra-large cup as well as the other sizes will be available through drive-thru, unfortunately the "Timmies Titanic" will not.

From Our Quebec City Bureau

Presidential Candidate Suspends Campaign After Forgetting English Language

2012-01-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

Columbia, SC

And then there were 5. Republicans nation-wide were mildly surprised by the news on Monday that former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination.

Huntsman, seen as a moderate candidate along with front-runner Mitt Romney, issued a press release early Monday, much to the dismay of supporters.

The announcement was particularly surprising considering that he received the endorsement of the largest newspaper in South Carolina, The State, only hours prior.

Huntsman, 51, had been derided by many Republicans for serving under the administration of Democratic President Barack Obama as Ambassador to China from August 2009 to April 2011. Other leadership candidates pounced on this fact, with Huntsman often replying strongly that he would serve his country in any way that he could.

However, it seems that his ambassadorship has derailed his Presidential aspirations. Earlier this month many viewers were bewildered and some disturbed when Huntsman briefly spoke Mandarin during a televised debate in New Hampshire. Since then, the former Ronald Reagan staffer has insisted on delivering at least half of his stump speeches in Mandarin, and sources close to his campaign say that Huntsman "actually is having a hard time finding the right English words now."

Things came to a head on Sunday evening at an event in Columbia when Huntsman appeared at a Republican event and delivered his entire speech in the Chinese dialect.

"We had no idea what to do," said campaign co-chair Nancy Rindall. "We brought in a team of doctors and even a linguistics expert to determine what was wrong with the Governor, but they can't find anything yet. It could just be that he spent too much time in China."

Monday morning, Huntsman released the following statement, effectively ending his campaign and endorsing former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. The race for the Republican nomination is now down to Romney, Rep. Ron Paul, Former Speaker Newt Gingrich, Gov. Rick Perry, and Sen. Rick Santorum.

朋友 -2012年，是在我们的一生中最重要的选举。经过3年的大政府，高税收和更多的消费，美国迫切需要一个保守的原则的回报：有限政府，减税和平衡预算。在竞选时，我曾常常需要修复的不仅是我们国家的经济赤字，但也是我们的信任和团结的赤字。美国比以往任何时候都更划分，并为我们的国家向前迈进连同新的领导班子，团结，共和党首先必须团结起来。今天，我暂停我的竞选和支持的候选人是谁，最有能力击败总统和保守的领导返回白宫：州长罗姆尼。我们许多的支持者和志愿者，我提供了衷心的感谢。凯玛丽和我有同样的谦卑和支持，我们已经收到来自朋友和完全陌生的的流露惊讶。今天，我们的总统竞选结束，但继续我们的活动，建立一个更美好和更光明的美国。我们将继续争取释放的机会，而不是扼杀它的一个税务代码;能源政策结束对外国石油的依赖;国会任期限制;教育的改革，我们的孩子准备的21世纪;和金融改革，保护纳税人从未来的救助。在过去6个月，我已经看到了美国最好的。我已经看到了它在我们的企业家，我们的退伍军人的勇气，不屈不挠的乐观和青年人精神。我看到了它在中国的10,000英里远，曾持不同政见者被折磨和殴打会议，但他提请从我们国家的价值观实力 - 我们的开放，我们的自由。半个世界之遥，他们可以看到美国的光。这是仍然代表着我们国家的权力。我永远不会停止对美国的战斗，我将继续把她的福利首先，任何党派或特殊利益。我的正确领导，我们可以向前走在一起，并确保美国的光线照射明亮的世代和世世代代在我的信念坚定不移的。上帝保佑你们，上帝保佑美国。洪博培

Canada's Liberals Promote Legalization Of Pot; Conservatives Afraid It Could Lead To Same-Sex Marriage

2012-01-16T15:31:00.001-05:00

Ottawa, ON

If you were to ask many Liberal Party members coming out of their convention on the weekend, most would say that the party was "reinvigorated" and "re-energized." Almost 3, 000 Liberal faithful gathered in the nation's capital to decide how to move forward as a party after sinking to a new low in the last federal election.

In a sign that many Liberals are ready to adopt the adage "in with the new, out with the old," they narrowly elected former Ontario Liberal president Mike Crawley as Federal President, leaving former Chretien MP Sheila Copps in the side-lines. And much of the talk was about how to build a new ground-swell of support across the country for one of the nation's proudest institutions.

However, gaining most of the headlines today was the adoption of a resolution to legalize and regulate marijuana, with the apparent approval of Interim Leader Bob Rae. Rae said he wanted to "avoid sending another generation of young people into prison" and told those assembled "Let's face up to it Canada - the war on drugs has been a complete bust." Rae received a standing ovation for that quote.

Conservative MP's were quick to pounce on the news coming out of the Liberal convention. Jim Flaherty said that this action was just "more proof that the Liberals are soft on crime."

But some Conservative MP's, when contacted by The Sentinel Dispatch, went even further.

"This only shows the continued erosion of morality in this country," said Thomas Gronsan, MP for Edmonton-Centre. "They've taken the Lord's Prayer out of our schools, people no longer have to swear on a Bible in court if they find that offensive. What's next? Will two men or two women be allowed to marry in this country?"

Lisa Ramsay, MP for the Saskatchewan riding of Desnethé - Missinippi - Churchill River voiced similar concerns: "We've seen abortion made legal here in the Dominion, I can just imagine that there are those on the political left who are drafting legislation to make it possible for homosexuals to marry. Imagine that, really, what are we coming to?"

Finally, Peter Hornich, MP for the New Brunswick riding of Moncton-Riverview-Dieppe, simply laughed when it was suggested that gay marriage was already legal in Canada. "That will be the day. I mean, I was gay in the happy sense of the word when I married my wife Phyllis, but there's no way our great country will ever allow such a thing as the gays getting married."

The Sentinel Dispatch contacted 25 other Conservative Members of Parliament, 18 or which also had no idea that same-sex marriage was made legal in Canada in 2005.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Chicago Man Hailed As Present-Day Martin Luther King Jr.

2012-01-16T01:26:00.000-05:00

Williams Struck Numerous Times By Vehicles

Chicago, IL

African American rights activists across the midwest are heralding an 82-year-old Chicago man as a "Martin Luther King Jr. type figure" for his unusual protest against racial intolerance.

Reginald Williams III, a Chicago resident since moving from Baton Rouge in 1943, has refused to abide by city pedestrian signs since he can remember. However, his story is only now making an impact on the national scene due to a feature on the show "Community Heroes" on the Oprah Winfrey Network last month.

According to Williams, pedestrian walk/do not walk signs are overtly racist due to the fact that they solely feature white people. "There's a lot of ways you can take those signs, but they're all racist ways. What are they saying to us black folk, that only white people are allowed to cross the street? Is it that they should be walking first, before black folk? Even if it doesn't, it's obviously saying that white folk built this sign and you better acknowledge that." Williams continues that "at first when i saw them signs years ago, I said to myself 'what's that mean? Only white folk can cross? For a week I'd get up to go to the store in the morning, make it half way there and come across one of them signs. I'd stand there for 2 hours before turning back and going home." It was after a week that Williams decided to make the choice that would lead to him being feated as a hero.

Reginald Williams, a long-retired factory worker, started to ignore the pedestrian signs altogether. "I realized what was really going on at that time and I decided that for me and other black folk and our children, I wasn't going to give in. It hasn't always been easy." To many, that would seem to be an understatement, as Williams has been struck 27 times by vehicles of various makes and models. "I didn't have any problems early on, 'cause traffic wasn't that bad. The first time I got hit was in '55 by a Ford Fairlane, he put me in the hospital for 2 weeks with a bad concussion and broken ankle." The most recent incident almost cost Williams his life, which seemed to add to his hero status. Last August as he was walking to Wrigley Field to see a Cubs-Pittsburgh Pirates game, a 2005 Chevrolet Monte Carlo struck Williams in front of a horrified group of pedestrians who were waiting at the intersection for the walk signal to appear. He suffered a collapsed lung, broken leg, and internal bleeding, and was in a medically-induced coma for a month. "I still remember the people's faces at the intersection before I got hit. But I say I'm better off than them because although they're all healthy, they still go by the white man's rules. I may limp now, but at least I'm free."

Ronald Wells, president of the Chicago chapter of the National Association For The Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), calls Williams a national hero. "Reggie is right up there with Rosa Parks." Parks, who died in October 2005, is most famous for her refusal to listen to an Alabama bus driver's insistence that she sit at the back of a city bus because of she was African-American. Her act of civil disobedience is widely recognized as a key moment in the struggle for equality. Wells views Williams as someone who deserves just as much praise. "He's someone young African-American people can look up to and be proud of for standing up for their rights."

Williams has become somewhat of a cultural icon in Chicago, with many city drivers recognizing him and stopping at green lights for him, sometimes to the detriment of their own health.

Williams turns 83 on January 26th.

Sunken Cruise Ship to become tourist attraction

2012-01-14T23:22:00.004-05:00

The final survivors had not yet been removed from a cruise ship run aground off the Italian coast and company officials and engineers were already discussing how the vessel can be stabilized and converted into a site-seeing destination.

While global travelers were shocked by the story of the ship run aground, the arrest of its negligent captain and the tragic loss of some of its passengers, industry insiders are already expressing their doubts that this will have any impact on the cruise ship industry. While the boat is badly damaged and gradually sinking further into the sea, company officials are certain it can be made to look beautiful again.

An insider close to the investigation spoke on condition of anonymity, saying that the costs to fully repair the vessel and make it seaworthy again may be prohibitive, slight alterations could stabilize it and curious visitors could soon be boarding the ocean liner where it sits. When asked, the insider declined to give specifics about how the repairs would be done and how long it would take, but he insisted it would be a boon to the local tourism scene.

North American passengers from the ship were shocked to hear that these plans were being made while their belongings were still on board and while all passengers had not yet been accounted for.

"That's unbelievable," said Ted Johnston, a retired dentist from Tallahassee, Florida. "Who would want to climb on that piece of junk after what just happened to us?"

Local villagers were less surprised.

"This is nothing new for Italy," said Giuseppe Tallini. "In America, yes, everything needs to be shiny and new, but not here, we like old things."

The engineers involved in the repair plans cautioned that the structure may still be tipping to one side, even when completed, but this news didn't worry Tallini.

"We Italians have learned to make due with what we have. When a structure is still a little crooked, it's no problem, just look at the leaning tower of Pisa and don't forget Berlusconi."

School Board Sued For Christmas Political Correctness

2011-12-15T23:23:00.000-05:00

Timmins, ON

A secondary school in this northeastern Ontario city is in hot water after a case of "political correctness gone too far," according to two students and their parents.

Lester Pearson Secondary School and Timmins Regional School Board are facing two separate lawsuits from students after they were told they were breaking the school board's "Christmas-free" policy, in place since 2008. For three years there have been no Christmas trees, no nativity scenes, no stockings to be seen in the board's schools.

But on Monday morning, two students say that they were dumb-founded after their teachers - in separate classes - approached them and requested that they "go by their middle names for the remainder of the holiday season." This didn't sit well with Holly Granger, 16 and Jésus Francisco, 17. Both immediately made appointments with the school's principal, James York, but received no compromise.

"It is beyond offensive to ask Mr. Francisco to change his name just because it is the same as the Christ-child," said family lawyer Antonio Gonzalez. "Besides, his middle name is Joseph, what is he supposed to do?"

"We thought it was a joke at first when Holly came home and told us that her teacher wanted her to go by her middle name, Anne," said Miss Granger's mother Katherine.

It turns out that holly (and the subsequent ivy) have been the mainstay of English Christmas decorations for church-use since at least the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, when they are mentioned regularly in churchwardens’ accounts - although someone forgot to tell school officials that holly and ivy actually represent Pagan fertility symbols.

In a separate incident in Saskatchewan, an elementary school is facing complaints by parents after refusing to serve "shepherd's pie" in its cafeteria for fear it could promote the Christian nativity story.

Timmins Regional School Board could not be reached for comment despite repeated attempts by The Sentinel Dispatch.

Jésus Francisco & Holly Granger

Canadian Government To Detain Santa Claus Upon Arrival To Country

2011-12-15T00:37:00.004-05:00

Iqaluit, Nunavut

It seems as if there was no reason for children to be good for goodness sake this past year.

The minister in charge of citizenship and immigration in Canada announced on Thursday that the Conservative government's controversial bill, C-4, would apply to Kris Kringle as well. Jason Kenney, Canada's current Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism, introduced a bill months ago, the so-called Preventing Human Smuggling Bill. Under this Bill, any group of migrants can be designated 'a smuggling incident'. Once they have been designated as such, migrants can be jailed for up to 12 months before having their identity and purposes in the country confirmed.

Asked by Craig Thompson of The Sentinel Dispatch on Thursday how the Canadian government would deal with Santa Claus' annual trip through the northern nation, Kenney was unapologetic. "These are dangerous times," said Kenney, "and we know that illegal immigration and crimes by such foreigners are rampant in Canada. We can no longer turn our heads when it comes to Santa Claus."

"He has been clandestinely travelling through our country for years now and everyone has considered it a big joke, but one of these years, Santa could decide to stay within our borders. And quite frankly, his identity is not entirely clear. Is he Santa Claus, is he St. Nick, is he Kris Kringle, is he Petit Papa Noel? He could be carrying several passports."

Kenney's concerns did not stop with the jolly man in the red suit either. "Clearly, he'd be smuggling his team of reindeer into the country as well, which also creates problems. Does anyone for instance know of Blitzen or Prancer's last names or dates of birth? I don't think so."

Asked, then, what would happen on the evening of December 24th if Santa and his reindeer-guided sleigh landed on a roof in Iqaluit, Kenney replied that "our military is a highly trained organization and is ready to deal with the situation. This is one of the reasons Prime Minister Harper has emphasized Arctic sovereignty so much in his tenure and has poured a lot of resources into the area."

"If Mr. Claus sets foot on Canadian soil, he and his team of reindeer will be detained by the military for the period of one year, at which point we will conduct a thorough investigation as to their true identities and intent."

When it was pointed out that this could effectively ruin Christmas for millions of children for not only this year but next year as well, Kenney replied, "We believe that this will give Canadian children the opportunity to learn about the religious roots of the holiday season. We have diverse beliefs in this country - from Anglicans to Catholics to Baptists. This will be a time of opportunity."

From Our Iqaluit Bureau

REPORT: Questions After Serious Security Breach At NDP Debate

2011-12-05T16:11:00.005-05:00

Ottawa, ON

If the country was already overwhelmed by the number of candidates vying to become leader of the New Democratic Party - all nine of them - they sure weren't impressed on Sunday afternoon when an unidentified man seemed to add his name to the list.

The first of six leadership debates took place in the capital city yesterday, with little fireworks, and brief answers only, considering the sheer number of candidates. According to Sentinel Dispatch political columnist Francine Wren, no one threw a knock-out punch, though several candidates were punching well above their weight.

According to Wren, BC MP Nathan Cullen, businessman Martin Singh, and Manitoba MP Niki Ashton were particularly impressive, though, according to the columnist "Ashton and Singh are merely positioning themselves for future runs at the leadership." Perhaps the most disappointing performance belonged to Quebec MP Romeo Saganash, who seemed very nervous and cleared his throat before each answer given. The day after, it was revealed that Saganash is battling bronchitis, and had no voice at all several days ago. "Romeo should have mentioned this briefly at the beginning of the debate, so that Canadians weren't left with the impression that he was so very anxious," said Wren.

The embarrassment of the afternoon came when an unknown man breached security and managed to make his way to the extra podium at several points during the debate. Although there are "only" nine NDP leadership candidates, a tenth, extra podium was set up to the right of Quebec MP Thomas Mulcair in case of any audio problems with the original podiums. A man dressed in a suit and blue tie appeared at the extra podium and repeatedly answered questions, to the bewilderment of the candidates and debate facilitators. The crowd, it should be noted, did not notice as there were already so many candidates assembled.

The man, appearing to be in his early 50's, spoke fairly competently about the economy, with an accent that seemed "half Eastern Canada, half Republican oil tycoon," according to analyst Michael Tremblay. It was only when the debate turned to the French-language portion that the intruder caused members of the crowd to appear bewildered. "This man's attempt at the French language was very similar to Stephen Harper's attempts at smiling. They were forced and painful to watch. Clearly both men need significantly more training."

Ottawa Police took the unidentified man into custody for questioning immediately following the debate.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

REPORT: NDP Leadership Candidates Discover They Are Brothers

2011-12-03T18:23:00.008-05:00

Ottawa

Now this could provide for some awkward moments around the holidays.

With the first NDP leadership debate scheduled less than 24 hours from now here in the capital city, The Sentinel Dispatch Journal Times confirmed Saturday evening that two of the candidates to replace the late Jack Layton have recently discovered that they are in fact brothers by blood.

A spokesman for candidate Brian Topp confirmed that the candidate will hold a brief news conference late Sunday morning to confirm that fellow candidate Martin Singh is indeed his brother.
This development comes after weeks of speculation among party faithful and the media that the two may very well have more than the NDP in common. Many have noticed their "uncanny similarities in features," but most thought it was just a fluke.

According to Sarah McLean, assistant spokesperson for Mr. Topp, "Martin was an unexpected child for the Topp family, having been born 12 years after Brian. The Topps didn't feel that they could adequately care for another child at the time, and then they met the Hill family as a stroke of luck." McLean continues by saying that the Topp family was doing their grocery shopping in Longueil, Quebec, when they ran into the Hills, also rooted in Longeuil. The Hills made an off-hand comment about not being able to have children, and the Topps felt that it would be in Martin's best interests to arrange an adoption."

After much paperwork and legalities, Martin was no longer a Topp, but rather a Hill. The family quickly moved to Halifax, Nova Scotia, where Martin grew up and eventually embraced Sikhism, at which time he changed his name to Martin Singh.

The Sentinel Dispatch Journal Times reached Mr. Singh via Skype Saturday evening and he said that he's "still in shock." " For months now I have seen pictures of Brian in the paper or online and it was like looking into the mirror. I always secretly hoped that perhaps I had an older brother out there somewhere. We have a lot of the same mannerisms, we're the same height, practically the same weight."

Mr. Topp is similarly in shock: "It will be an emotional moment when Marty and I shake hands before the debate tomorrow afternoon. I am now only embracing a fellow NDP candidate, but a long lost brother. We spoke briefly the other night on the phone, and we have some common interests. My last name is Topp, his favourite brand of baseball card growing up was Topps. He's a pharmacist, I take Aspirin."

The NDP Leadership Debate from Ottawa is slated for 2pm on Sunday.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Canadian Territory To Sue Over Christmas Carols

2011-12-02T09:58:00.000-05:00

Iqaluit, Nunavut

Is it righting a decades-old wrong, or is it political correctness gone awry? You be the judge.

In a hastily convened press conference in this northern Canadian capital on Monday afternoon, Nunavut Premier Eva Aariak announced that her government is suing the families of the composers of two beloved Christmas songs.

The two songs in question are The Christmas Song (commonly called Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire) and Winter Wonderland.

Chestnuts, written in 1944 by vocalist Mel Tormé and Bob Wells, contains the lyrics "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, and folks dressed up as Eskimos."

Winter Wonderland, written in 1934 by Felix Bernard (composer) and Richard B. Smith (lyricist), contains the words "We'll frolic and play the Eskimo way."

The problem? The term Eskimo is seen as pejorative or derogatory among First Nations people. In the 1970s, activists in Canada's Far North announced that "Eskimo" was insulting. They claimed it was originally an Algonquin Indian word for "eaters of raw meat."

"Just as African-Americans are no longer 'Negroes' and Asian people are no longer 'Orientals' we First Nations people should no longer be called 'Eskimos.'" said Premier Aariak.

As a result, the territory of Nunavut is suing the families of the 4 men responsible for the 2 beloved carols, since all of the men are deceased. The request? That the term Eskimo be removed from each of the songs and replaced with "Northern First Nations Person." For example: "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, and folks dressed up like Northern First Nations People," and "We'll frolic and play the Northern First Nations Person's way, walkin' in a winter wonderland."

Nunavut is also seeking $156 million dollars in damages, as well as 2, 000 tubs of President's Choice Candy Cane Chocolate Ice Cream, and Snuggies for each of its residents.

This isn't the first time that a Christmas carol has caused controversy. In 1999, GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, tried to sue the author of Deck The Halls, which contains the line "Don we now our gay apparel." In the lawsuit, which ultimately was dismissed, GLAAD argued that lesbians, transgendered, and bisexual people should also be included in the song.

With Files From Here And There

NDP's Martin Issues F***ing Apology for Missing Ontario Council

2011-11-18T14:20:00.005-05:00

Ottawa - NDP MP Pat Martin, fresh off a mini-controversy over a profanity laced tweet which he issued this week, issued an apology on Thursday evening for missing this weekend's provincial council in Toronto:

“I would like to extend my sincerest f***ing apologies to the organizers of the Ontario council for not being able to attend. I have an important event in my riding, and tried my f***ing best to have them move the date, but to no avail."

Wednesday night Martin tweeted his frustration when Conservative MP's shut down parliamentary debate on a bill which would implement the spring federal budget: “This is a f***ing disgrace . . . closure again. And on the Budget! There’s not a democracy in the world that would tolerate this jackboot s***.”

Martin has since been unapologetic, and he continued on with his press release:

Our party is rejuvenated and on the rise, and in the midst of a damned exciting leadership race which is already kicking some serious ass. While it is just plain sh*tty that I'll be unable to attend, my constituents needs always come first, even when it is a f***ing 90^th birthday party for someone I've never f***ing met and probably voted Conservative anyway.

On this exciting weekend, know that my enthusiasm is with you. Damn it if I miss it next year!

Regards,

Pat Martin

From Our Ottawa Bureau

BREAKING NEWS: Harper Was Not Born In Canada

2011-10-27T17:38:00.000-04:00

Toronto, ON

First the questions dogged U.S. President Barack Obama. Now it's Stephen Harper's turn.

Months after The White House finally released Obama's full birth certificate which proved he was born in Hawaii, serious allegations surfaced regarding the Conservative leader's birthplace.

A group of influential professors from McGill University say they have proof that the 52-year-old Prime Minister was not born in Canada as he has claimed all along.

Throughout his political career, Harper has claimed that he was born on April 30th, 1959 in Toronto, Ontario. According to the PM's official online bio, he was born to Margaret and Joseph Harper, the latter being an accountant at Imperial Oil. Harper is said to have attended Richview Collegiate Institute in Central Etobicoke.

There's only one problem. According to the McGill professors, and confirmed by The Sentinel Dispatch, no one in Harper's supposed Toronto neighbourhood remembers him living there or for that matter any member of his family. There is no record of a Stephen Harper ever attending Richview Collegiate. The Sentinel Dispatch contacted officials at Richview as well as the school board. "You'd think we'd know if the country's Prime Minister came from our school," said principal Wendy Blomquist. "My colleagues and I have spent most of the past week hunting for records of Mr. Harper, but he's nowhere, not in yearbooks or academic records."

McGill professors travelled to Toronto to inquire about Harper in the neighbourhood he allegedly grew up in, but to no avail. "We found several families who have been in the Chesley Avenue area of the city for over a generation, and not one remembered him," said political science professor Bradley Gunderson.

The question now becomes, if Stephen Harper is not from Toronto, where is he from?

It turns out that our Prime Minister doesn't even hail from Canada.

The Sentinel Dispatch received word on Friday evening from multiple sources from Tokyo that Mr. Harper actually has Japanese origins. According to Mr. Tomoko Yimijura, Mr. Hisako Oishi, and Mr. Suematsu Shinsuke, all retired engineers with multinational corporation Toshiba, Harper was meticulously constructed piece by piece over a span of a year in 1987. "It took us 4 tries, but the president of the company insisted we keep trying to create a human-like android, so we kept going," said Mr. Yimijura. "The hardest part was the emotion chip, it gave us a lot of trouble. Finally we had to settle for something not entirely convincing."

According to the Toshiba engineers, who also manufacture televisions and laptops, they installed various programs allowing for the greying of hair and other aging characteristics. Once they completed construction of Harper, they transported him over to Calgary, Alberta, where he was allowed to enroll at the University of Calgary.

"The rest is history," said Mr. Shinsuke.

From our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Ottawa Woman Live-Streams Birth Online; Others Planning On Conception Videos

2011-10-17T03:02:00.004-04:00

Ottawa, Ontario

Viewers in Norway, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Brazil, and countless other countries gathered around their computer screens on Sunday to watch the live-streamed birth of Oziah Salgueiro Carreira in an Ottawa, Canada area home.

Nancy Salgueiro, 32, announced last month that the birth of her third baby would be live streamed because she wanted to show women natural birth is nothing to be afraid of.

Her and her husband Mike Carreira set up a large tub of water in their living room, hooked up a camera, and sent out an e-mail to interested viewers when Nancy was close to delivering her third child.

At least 2,500 people watched the event.

Many ethicists contacted by The Sentinel Dispatch thought nothing of the experiment. "The birth of a child into the world is one of the last truly remarkable, beautiful things on our planet, and to share that with others is truly a gift," said University of Winnipeg professor Teresa Johnson.

However, there was growing concern late Sunday that people may decide to start yet another breakthrough trend and attempt to videotape the conception of their children.

"This sort of thing hasn't been done before," said Dr. Bronson York of the University of Montreal. "There have been a few documented cases of couples showing the deliveries online, but now we may see a brand new phenomenon of couples filming the moment of conception."

Newlyweds Tim and Tracy Gordon of Guelph, Ontario admit that they are putting out calls on their Facebook pages for interested parties who would like to watch live-streams of them attempting to progenerate their first-born. "We'd just like to be able to introduce our son or daughter to our friends when they're old enough and say "Hey, see Mr. Henley over there? He watched the whole hour-long video of us repeatedly trying to have you."

The Gordon's vow that they would never charge for such a viewing, but other couples are intrigued by the possibility of making some cash. Nick and Julie Smithson of Indianapolis say that charging "25 or 30 bucks" per viewer could allow them time to take a few days off work in an effort to spend more time in the spawning process. "That way, perhaps more people could watch at different times of the day," said Julie.

It is unclear if there has ever been a recorded instance of couples being filmed mid-coitus, but many readers polled by The Sentinel Dispatch as of late Sunday night say they are not worried it would turn into any kind of trend or exploitative industry.

From our Ottawa Bureau

60-Year Alberta Tradition Comes To An End After No One Can Name Something They're Thankful For

2011-10-10T16:32:00.004-04:00

Lethbridge, AB

A decades long tradition here in this idyllic Alberta city came to an unexpectedly sad end on Sunday afternoon.

Just as it had been for over 60 years, everything in the Smithson family homestead seemed to be going well as they prepared for their annual Canadian Thanksgiving feast. Cousin Susan brought the apple pie, Uncle Paul brought his "secretly concocted" cider, and the 30-pound turkey had been in the oven since early in the morning.

Twelve family members gathered around the Smithson table when something happened that had not occurred in over 60 years of Thanksgivings. When the eldest Smithson, Harry, aged 82, initiated the tradition that everyone take a moment and share something that they were thankful for, there was only deafening silence.

Forced to try to come up with something, awkward 15 year old Tim Smithson offered that "I get picked on every single day at school; I want those bastards dead."

Sitting next to Tim was his Aunt Norma, 56, who said she is usually a thankful person but that her husband "recently started shagging the 19-year-old at the Kwiki-Mart" and therefore she also had nothing to give thanks for.

According to Smithson tradition, no one is able to cut into the turkey until someone shares something they are thankful for, so Grandpa Harry decided to take the matter into his own hands. There's only one problem; Harry had lost his wife of 55 years only a month prior: "Each year I stand here ready to cut the turkey and I give thanks for the beautiful love of my life that is sitting next to me. But Mabel is gone now and all I have left is haunting memories, dresses that smell like bad perfume, and seven days a week of TV dinners. I'm sorry, I can't do this."

And with that, a 60-year Thanksgiving tradition was ruined. The turkey was swiftly thrown into the industrial sized garbage can, the cranberry sauce flushed down the toilet. The only thing that was salvaged was Uncle Paul's "special cider" which he promptly drank on the 40 kilometre drive home to his trailer.

This Thanksgiving, let us all remember those going through tough times.

From Our Lethbridge Bureau