Seroxat/Paxil Summer

Day 73

2005-07-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

I just went into town to the supermarket today; I'm going through a juicing fad... again!

It was a completely stress free affair, although my mum tagged along 8-) don't people realise that these are tests for me, best done alone?

Day 72

2005-07-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

I went to my nieces school sports day today which was fun! I wouldn't have normally gone to anything like this, but the new confident Adam decided it was a must! The best bit for me was when my mum cheated in the parent's egg and spoon race and fell flat on her face, a lesson in karma for the children!

I didn't however run in the "father's" race, or perhaps better titled "males present" race. I was kind of glad I didn't when they started chucking cups of water over each other, but it was yet again a flashback to the old Adam who shys away from any public attention.

Day 71

2005-07-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've been disappointed with myself today.

I had the opportunity to go and see some relatives with my parents but I opted to stay at home and I think the reason was that I felt too nervous to go. I can't say with complete certainty that that was the real reason as I did feel tired after yesterday and I wanted to get some study done at long last.

Either way I had a really nice day home alone; could it be that I just prefer my own company?

Day 70

2005-07-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

Thankfully my sister said that my niece couldn't go to the midnight launch of the new Harry Potter book; I doubt I could have managed it last night after spending the whole day out! She did however say she could go along in the day, so off me and my niece went.

It was disappointing, not because I felt anxious or anything, just the party they were holding was disappointing so my niece didn't have a great time. A couple of balloons and a face painter, but then you get what you pay for, I guess.

After that I did first. I went to a supermarket by myself, OK not technically by myself as I had my niece with me, but she's 4, I was as good as by myself!

On days like this I really notice how irrational my behaviour has been in the past.

Day 69

2005-07-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

A real breakthrough today!

A mate asked me if I wanted to go to Bicester for the day; not quite sure why anyone would want to go to Bicester, but having never been there I agreed, as you do. Anyway we had a really good day; apparently he was looking for clothes at some cheapo outlet place, but there was nothing so we spent most of the boiling day sat in a pub garden; a first for me! I was completely unaware of people around me for about 98% of the day and the 2% weren't all that bad experiences.

I felt so much like how I wanted to feel today, it's brilliant!

Day 68

2005-07-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

Another day and still not much to tell I'm afraid. I've done nothing today, although again, I've spent time with my family. The relations have moved on now so hopefully I can get my head down and get some work done!

Day 67

2005-07-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

I've just sat around talking with my family today, not sure if that is an improvement or not! Only kidding, it's a definate improvement; I've notice I'm spending much more time with my folks now, instead of shutting myself away with my head buried in a book; although of course this means my studies have ground to a halt. I'm not sure whether it is better to be a well-educated recluse or an uneducated socialable person? Obviously a combination would be best!

Day 66

2005-07-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

Urgh I feel like crap today! I don't know where I've picked it up but I've got a cold that is making me feel really shitty. On a better note, I did meet the relations today and felt fairly comfortable with it, after the first couple of minutes, so that's cool!

Day 65

2005-07-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

I've got a feeling of déjà vu! I started off badly today and didn't get up to go for a run, but I did then head off, by myself, into town and had a brief look around. I did feel slightly uncomfortable, but I think that was more down to the heat than social issues; it was boiling today!

We've got a few relations over from Australia staying with us this week too, people I've never met before so I'm feeling extremely nervous for some reason.

I've still not completed any study!

Day 64

2005-07-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had a quiet day today; not much to tell. I feel determined to start my study timetable tomorrow, but then I've said that every Sunday for the past month!

Day 63

2005-07-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'd promised a few weeks ago to take my niece to some Harry Potter activity morning at a bookshop which was on today. True to my word, I went along and it was a good experience! I felt very confident whilst there and got involved helping my niece out with the things she was making and chatting to the other parents. My niece was another story, she was mute most of the time we were there! My sister says it's because she doesn't like being places where there are only boys, which was the case on Saturday; I just hope it's that; although I was very confident and chatty when I was a kid, I can recognise her behaviour from when I got older.

So anyway, I had a really good day, doing something that I would never have done if it wasn't for Seroxat!

Day 62

2005-07-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

I took my niece into town today on the bus and it wasn't at all bad! We just went for a quick look around the shops, nothing major, but it was busy as usual and I felt great!

The feeling that I get out now is nothing like it used to. I don't even really think about the people around me unless I think "I'd normally feel uncomfortable", and then the feelings come flooding back, but with the difference that I can control them now!

Day 61

2005-07-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

It was exam day at college today and I actually felt really good about going. The walk there wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was in the past; well apart from some strange guy who started talking to me "My name is Norman because my dad is dead"...

I felt very confident at college, but I have been feeling like that recently so that's nothing new; I'm just glad the walk wasn't as bad as it normally is.

It will be interesting come September because I'll be in a new class, with new people and a new tutor; I wonder how I'll feel then?

Day 60

2005-07-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

60 days ago I started out on a journey which was initially only planned to last this long. With the extension I got from my doctor I now have another 60 days to go so this is the new half way point. How do I feel?

This week has been hopeless, well not completely, but the run on Monday morning wasn't completely successful, I mean, I went out so early that I thought nobody would be about and I was fine with that, but as soon as somebody else appeared I went back to my normal self and headed home.

I do think however that I'm not giving myself or Seroxat as much credit as we're due. I have managed to do some things which I never thought possible. I just need to have some patience and see how things work out in the end; it's a long, long road.

Day 59

2005-07-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

After the disappointments of yesterday I just ended up sitting around the house doing very little all day; a completely disappointing day.

Day 58

2005-07-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

The start of a new week and I started out so well. I got up around 6, walked the dog to the park and I ran a little bit; only a little for two reasons. Firstly I've not done any exercise for years so it was all I could manage and secondly because some guy turned up walking his dog and I felt like a bit of a weirdo running around; it's a shame Seroxat hasn't helped with this over-awareness I have of other people.

So anyway, I completed my first task of the day well and was home and ready to start the next one, which was going to study in the library. Unfortunately, as per usual, my backlegs went and I ended up staying at home all day. Urgh! What is it that is stopping me going out?

Day 57

2005-07-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've spent the vast part of today making plans for next week, which at long last is going to include studying in the library. I've really got to as I'm getting absolutely nothing done at home and I'm about 2 months behind now :o/

So it all starts tomorrow, I'm getting the bus at 08:32 and will be in the library by 9, knuckling down to some serious work! Alright, I know I've said I was going to do this before and never did, but I feel certain I am going to go tomorrow, I've got all my clothes ready and everything!

I'm also going to go for a quick run in the morning too, which I'm strangely looking forward to; it will be nice to have that feeling you get after working out - satisfaction.

Day 56

2005-07-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

Another lazy day I'm afraid. I've still not got around to doing any study at all which is starting to worry me. OK, I was lazy when it came to doing work before Seroxat, but I used to force myself to sit down and do it then, now I'm very good at putting it out of my mind without feeling guilty, which is nice, but not very helpful!

Day 55

2005-07-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today started off very well and has slowed down to virtually nothing.

I had an unplanned visit to the shop this morning to top up my mobile and get a stamp and then I had a planned visit to the Post Office to pay a couple of bills. All went really well, I didn't feel slightly anxious at any point and was obviously still feeling good after being out all yesterday afternoon.

Since the successful morning I've done very little and just dossed about the house, but then again, I didn't really have anywhere to go, no excuse, but it's mine!

Day 54

2005-06-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

The big day has come and gone and on the whole it has been very successful.

I took my niece along as planned and the first thing we did was take a bus to town. That wasn't especially dramatic, although it was much more costly than the last time I took a bus; £1 for about 5 minutes!

Following that we went to the main library where I found one book that I was after but couldn't find another, and rather than ask we just left. So not a complete success.

We then went to a bookshop to find out about some Harry Potter things they're putting on that I've been asked to take my niece to. That just involved looking at a sign in the window, but we did go inside so I could order her a copy of the latest book, which involved speaking to a shop assistant and that wasn't too bad.

We then went to Boots so I could pick up a new toothbrush and again I spoke with a shop assistant, not at great length, I just said I didn't need a bag as I already had one when she went to offer me one, which is an improvement because I articulated myself, something I wouldn't have normally done.

Following that we went to a local tourist trap and climbed a really tall tower which I pretended to my niece was part of Hogwarts; it's ok to lie to 4 year olds if you are encouraging their imagination ;o) That did involve talking to a tourist guide, rather briefly again, but successfully and completely comfortably.

We then went to a sports shop so I could get a new bag, which involved some conversation with an overly-polite shop assistant; but yet again, a complete success.

We took the bus home, involving a brief chat to the drive to ascertain if we would actually get home and then we went to our local library to visit my sister and pick up another book.

When we got home I had a voicemail from one of my debt collectors asking me to call them. This would usually result in a letter being wrote to them, but no, I just picked up the phone and called them and to my surprise the guy didn't have a clue why I was calling them and put it down to some automatic dialer that they have no control over and apologised; I know most people would have been angry at them wasting their time, but I was delighted, just because I'd actually called them back!

Day 53

2005-06-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

Yet again I've done very little today. I've given my studies some thought but haven't managed to pick up a book yet.

I've been thinking more about tomorrow too and planning what I need to do, what I need to get, etc. It's not a very detailed plan, not like usual; I've noticed my over-planning subside since I started taking Seroxat. I reckon the over-planning was to try and make myself feel more secure about going out, like I could plan every detail and know exactly what was going to happen. Now all I'm doing is making a quite list of places I want to go, not to make me feel more secure, but to make sure I don't forget!

Day 52

2005-06-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's been an uneventful day today. I've been feeling a bit strange actually, I'm not sure why and I can't really describe it, I just feel quite distant from reality.

I've made a decision to go out on Thursday, although I've also made a decision to take my niece. It's partly down to the fact that I still feel uncomfortable about going out and I'm hoping that if I do take her with me and I can see that it's really not a big issue, then when I want to go out by myself, I'll feel much more comfortable to do so because I'll know what to expect.

Day 51

2005-06-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

"...unaccustomed to crowds, and as we have said, he had been shunning all intercourse with his fellow-creatures, especially of late. At the present moment, however, he felt suddenly drawn to them. A kind of revolution seemed to come over him, and the social instinct reasserted its rights. Our hero, after abandoning himself for a whole month to the unhealthy fancies engendered by solitude, was completely wearied of his isolation, and longed to enjoy human society, if but for a moment." Crime and Punishment, Dostoyevsky

Sounds familiar! Yet again I've put off my trip out and hung around the house doing very little other than wonder what I could be getting on with. In the end, I chose nothing.

I think that I'll just say that I'll go to the library to study by Friday; this method worked well when I had my telephone calls to make.

Day 50

2005-06-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a lot more positive today and have decided that I am going to go and study in the library tomorrow for CERTAIN and I'm going to take the bus!

In fact, next week I'm going to try out some other new stuff too, like making calls that can be put off and just trying to spend as much time out of the house as possible. It's summer and I'm staying inside in a room so cold it's almost like the freezer department at a supermarket! Not that I'm complaining about that, air conditioner must be the best invention ever! But it wouldn't hurt me to get outside and actually enjoy the summer like most other people do.

Day 49

2005-06-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

Day 50 tomorrow, approaching the original 60 day trial finish and what have I achieved?

Ignore me, I've got a bit of a downer on today, I know I've actually achieved a hell of a lot since I started out on this journey 49 days ago. I'm very surprised I've kept up writing this, I'm usually crap when it comes to writing diaries!

So what have I achieved? Well I can now use the telephone when I need to, a major plus, although I don't think I'm up to saying I can use the telephone, period, I still feel like I would put off unnecessary calls. On top of that, I can go out without feeling eyes burning into me, in fact I don't even notice anybody whilst I'm out, in fact I don't really notice I'm out most of the time! I won't deny that I wish I felt slightly differently, that I felt more confident, that I don't put things off and that I felt a lot more motivated, but I reckon it's time I made these changes myself, they're only little steps from the point I've arrived at.