Continue reading »]]> I logged on to my Facebook account Sunday afternoon to face some heartbreaking news…

The son of my dear, sweet internet friend Stacy Dean had logged into his father’s account to update his status – letting his friends and family know that he had suffered a fatal heart attack Saturday.

I burst into tears as I read the words, only to feel a bit selfish afterwards.

The thing is, I’d never had the chance to meet Stacy Dean in person – though I’d planned to finally share a beer with him in July when I’d be visiting Chicago for BlogHer.

Due to the distance between us, our interactions were limited to Twitter, Facebook, Gmail and Skype – still I felt like he knew me better than most after three years of chatting online. He’d seen me go through some of my darkest moments and cheered me on through some of my greatest.

He also gave me sage parenting advice.

In return, I often gave him blogging and social media advice; he wrote this amazingly witty blog Bleep My Brain Says - which for the life of me I can not figure out why more people did not read.

We didn’t talk every day, every week or even every month. But when we did it was like no time had passed between us talking at all.

He was a talented writer and all around great person with a huge selfless heart. I know I can’t be the only person whose life was touched by the existence of Stacy Dean.

He was just that kind of guy.

I feel incredibly lucky to have had him in my life, even if it was only through a computer screen.

It’s because of some of the conversations we had that I am the woman I am today – and for that I will always be grateful.

Rest in peace, Stacy. You were taken from all of us far too soon, but those who knew you will always hold the part of yourself you gave to them in their hearts.

I hope heaven is currently throwing a vodka and cleavage filled welcome party in your honor XOXO

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Stir is Match.com’s answer to taking online dating offline, offering a wide range of group activities to Match.com members around the country ranging from large-scale happy hours at popular venues, to more intimate events like tequila tastings and DJ lessons.

Match.com’s Stir, offline singles events for Match.com members, is celebrating it’s one-year anniversary!

In just one year, Match has hosted 2,850 events – broken down, that’s 14 events each day, 75 events a week, 320 events per month!

Match has collaborated with over 1,200 venues and partners, including House of Blues, Banana Republic, Sur la Table and Warrior Dash, along with local gems in each city. Match is throwing singles events in over 80 cities across America –  including events in Anchorage and Honolulu.

Over 225,000 singles have attended a Stir event to date!

In celebration of the Stir anniversary, Match.com is offering the opportunity for singles to create their very own Stir event, and if their event is chosen, to work with Match Stir event planners to bring it to life.

How AMAZEBALLS is that?!

My ideal Stir event would involve me and 10 friends watching Will Arnett perform mediocre magic – Arrested Development style. What about you?

Visit Match.com’s “What Stirs You?” Contest Page at http://promotion.binkd.com/Enter.aspx?id=8793 , now through Tuesday May 28^th 2013, and tell them what you think would make for the perfect singles event to be entered to win.

Entries will be judged based on quality, creativity, uniqueness and geographical relevance.

The selected winner will have their idea re-created by the Match.com Stir Events team in their city, and will receive an invitation to attend the event along with ten of their singles friends – all at no charge!

In addition, the winner will also receive a free six-month Match.com subscription.

Be sure to enter now since the contest will be ending before you know it! Good Luck!

Enter Here: http://promotion.binkd.com/Enter.aspx?id=8793  

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Summer is just around the corner, and that means it’s time for dresses sans tights, gam baring shorts and showing more skin. If you’re a single woman like me that grew a fur coat over the last few months since there was no sex in sight – you’re probably dreading the hour-long shaving session you’re about to endure to remove all that unwanted hair.

Fret not my fellow hairy bitches, because Nair’s got a simpler solution that will keep you smooth all summer long without wrestling a razor.

And if you normally let a professional named Helga wax off your lady bits, Nair’s still got you covered – offering professional results at home for a fraction of what you’d pay at the salon.

Nair Brazilian Spa Clay Total Care Body Trio and Face Trio are the latest depilatories to join their popular Brazilian Spa Clay Line inspired by the beauty secrets and hair removal expertise of Brazil.

Each product is infused with mango butter and açai berry known to moisturize the skin, and mineral-rich clay known to purify the skin.

I don’t normally admit this to people, but I suffer from a case of femstache – I’ve been plucking or shaving the pesky fuzz off my upper lip since I was 17 years old.

Yes fellas, shit just got real.

The problem with shaving it off, is that the results don’t last very long, and those annoying little hairs pop back up within 24 hours. But Nair boasts that their Brazilian Spa Clay Total Care™ Face Trio depilatory would leave my face smooth for days, so I just had to try it out.

And guess what? They were right. Four days later and there’s still no trace of hair on my upper lip!

The Nair Brazilian Spa Clay Total Care™ Face Trio is the first 3-step depilatory for the face with a suggested retail price of $13.99.

Step 1: The first step is the pre-balm, which coats the skin to help minimize irritation and redness
Step 2: The second step is the depilatory. There’s no drying time so you can apply the depilatory immediately after using the pre-balm.
Step 3: After removing the depilatory product, apply the moisturizer, which is similar to a typical facial moisturizer. This will help neutralize the pH of the skin, bringing it back to the normal level.

Tackling facial hair is nothing compared to getting rid of  several weeks worth of body hair – so next up I decided to put Nair’s Brazilian Spa Clay Shower Total Care™ Body Trio to the ultimate test.

Nair Brazilian Spa Clay Shower Total Care™ Body Trio is the only 3-step in-shower depilatory system, including the convenient Nair Shower Power® technology that works while you shower. The suggested retail price is $13.99.

Step 1: The pre-wipe contains mineral oil and chamomile to prepare your skin before removing hair.
Step 2: Apply the depilatory, which is resistant to water through emollients similar to those found in waterproof sunscreens so it will resist runoff while you shower. Keep the area out of the direct stream of water.
Step 3: After the hair is removed, apply soothing post-use gel with Aloe Vera for a perfect finish.

Total hair removal time depends on hair thickness, and since I had some hairy-ass legs I left the cream on for the full 10 minute limit. I have to say I was extremely pleased with the results because it actually removed it all!

GO NAIR!

Some of the hair did start to grow back within 24 hours, though not all of it as it usually does when I shave. Even though it didn’t keep my legs completely smooth for days, I have to say 10 minutes of hair removal in the shower vs the usual 20+ minutes it takes me to shave below the waist was a major time saver for a busy single mom like me.

I’d definitely use Nair Brazilian Spa Clay Total Care Body Trio and Face Trio again.

Visit  NairLikeNeverBefore.com  today for a coupon to save $3 on any two Nair goodies, and to learn more about Nair’s full line of summer hair removal products.

Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Nair. I received samples for review. I did not receive compensation for this post. No request to share any particular point of view was made. All opinions expressed here are strictly my own.

Continue reading »]]> Life isn’t just good right now, it’s fan-fucking-tastic!

So fan-fucking-tastic I’ve had little time to blog because I am flying by the seat of my pants on the daily.

But I’m happy about it, because being this busy means I’m making magic happen.

For the first time in a long time I’m at a point financially where I no longer have to stress about how I’m going to pay all of my bills each month.

The phone has stopped incessantly ringing due to outstanding balances and late fees piling up on my charge cards(They’re all PAID OFF!) and this single mom has even started putting money away into a savings account.

Words really can’t express how grateful I am to be at a place I never thought I’d get to alone. I mean, I’m doing this whole life, paying bills, writing checks for rent and raising a kid thing solo. To say it’s not easy is an understatement – but it’s also incredibly rewarding.

Single motherhood has been an amazing gift. Four years of juggling a career, parenting, family obligations and a social life has taught me who I am, what I’m made of and what I can handle.

The freedom and independence that I’ve been able to experience while living fabulously single has brought me ridiculous amounts of joy.

I truly, madly and deeply love my life exactly as it is right now.

But as my single female friends have suddenly started pairing up around me – lately I feel like the last single woman standing around here –  I can’t help but crave the comfort and connection I hear them talking about.

They swoon and smile from ear to ear over the men in their lives. And they have sex. Meaningful sex.

Bacon help me, I miss that.

Every so often I try to date, but when I do it seems to throw me off balance. My work suffers, my parenting suffers or I suffer somehow.

Throwing an additional ball into my current juggling act causes me massive amounts of anxiety – and dating shouldn’t be stressful.

Maybe I just don’t have room in my life for romance right now.

I know, depressed the fuck out of me too when I first realized it – but then I came to the conclusion that IT’S OKAY!

Why? Well my career is currently taking off in ways I never imagined while my boss and I are building this incredible company. Every workday is a new adventure, with opportunities for me to shine – and I love it!

And my personal life? I’m closer with my family than I’ve ever been and I have an amazing group of friends that just get me and appreciate me for me. We laugh and drink and get merry on the fly and I love them for it.

And then there’s motherhood. Somehow, against all odds, this single mom is raising a compassionate, smart, funny, determined, and amazing little boy all on her own.

As much as I bitch about giving up a lot of my free time to run him to baseball practice and games, watching him play ball on Fridays and Saturdays has brought me more laughter and happiness than I ever thought it could.

So here’s the thing I finally realized: I’m really not single.

I’m in a committed relationship now… WITH MY HAPPINESS.

And that’s a great place to be.

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I checked myself in the rear-view mirror one last time before deciding to apply more lipgloss. Normally I didn’t worry so much about bringing my A-game, but I’d been looking forward to this date for days.

I’d met him on OKCupid a week earlier. Intrigued by his somewhat mysterious profile and abundance of what appeared to be sarcasm, I decided to rock on with my bad self, make the first move and message him.

I honestly can’t tell from your profile whether you’re a complete asshole or the most awesome guy on the planet because your sense of humor is as sick as mine, so I figured I’d just take a chance and message you anyway…

Moments later he responded and we briefly flirted via instant message before exchanging phone numbers.

It was too soon to tell if our exchange would amount to anything – still I was excited by the idea that this guy might actually be a keeper.

Drinks desperately?! Marry me.

Twenty minutes of textually zinging each other later, and I had a date.

It was the first time in my online dating experience that a guy had asked me out so quickly, but I found his gusto attractive. It made me feel like he was ambitious – a quality I appreciate immensely after dating one too many lazy bastards.

We definitely had chemistry over the phone, so I thought we might also hit it off in person. Visions of sparks-flying danced in my head, leading me to get my hopes up over where this could go.

I really wanted to make a great first impression, so over the next week I put extra effort into preparing for our first date.

I even read a self-help book on online dating for fuck’s sake.

In a premeditated attempt to avoid awkward pauses in conversation, I asked him very few questions about himself leading up to our meeting. I figured the less I knew about him before, the more we’d have to talk about during.

After applying a fresh coat of lipgloss, I shot him a quick text to let him know I’d arrived. I then took a deep breath, stepped out of my car and made my way towards the bar to meet him for drinks.

As I rounded my bumper, a red Porsche sped into the lot and pulled in next to me, nearly running me over. I rolled my eyes in disgust at the stranger behind the wheel.

“What a douche,” I mumbled under my breath.

Other women may be impressed by expensive red cars, but not me. I actually find that kind of flashy shit ridiculous.

I peered at the extremely tall driver, who literally looked like he’d crammed himself into the tiny two-door car. As he opened the door and swung his long legs out to exit, the first things I noticed were his designer jeans and shoes. By my calculations, their retail value added up to more than my one month’s rent.

“What a douche,” I mumbled again under my breath.

Again, other women may be impressed by designer clothes, but not me.

I’d only purchased a designer label once in my life – a pair of Seven jeans when I was in my early twenties. It nearly killed me to spend $125 on a pair of jeans, but a friend of mine who lived for fashion had convinced me that my ass would look amazing in them.

As I made eye contact with the driver, he grinned from ear to ear.

That’s when I realized the big dick driving the little car was my date.

He walked over and gave me an awkward hug. I politely smiled, though every part of me wanted to flee. Fancy car and designer clothes aside, I was also turned off by the fact that he looked nothing like his profile picture.

In his defense he had texted me earlier that day giving me a heads up that his hair was much longer than it was in his profile picture, but I’d thought he was joking.

“Are we talking heavy metal long, or is it more of a mullet?” I’d teased.

“I’ve been told I look like George Clooney in The Decendants, gray hair and all.”

His head was buzzed in his profile picture and there was not a touch of gray – so of course I thought he was pulling my leg.

Turns out he wasn’t.

He wasn’t unattractive by any means, he just wasn’t attractive to me.

Still, the date had to go on so I followed him into the bar – hoping to have one drink and get the hell out of there.

I ordered a Rum & Diet Coke and he ordered a Scotch -after which he proceeded to go on a tangent about different kinds of Scotch, how you’re supposed to pour it and how he usually only drinks some expensive label that costs $40 a glass, but couldn’t tonight because they didn’t have it there.

I wanted to roll my eyes, but somehow managed to contain myself.

“So what do you do for work?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

I should say right now that he left the “Occupation” portion of his online dating profile blank – which I thought was an attempt to be mysterious. In fact, a lot of his information was blank. About the only thing I knew about him was that he was 36.

“Oh, I’m a waiter at Houlihan’s.”

Al-righty then.

“So you’re thirty-six and you’re a waiter at Houlihan’s?” I asked.

“Actually, I’m thirty-eight,” he replied.

At this point I knew there was ZERO chance of anything coming of this date.

You see, my ex was a waiter. At first I believed the job was a means to support our family while he finished college. But I quickly realized that after he graduated with a degree and never even attempted to get a job in his field of study, that he was content with being a waiter for the rest of his life.

Why? Because it was quick cash that required minimal effort. He didn’t have goals or dreams. In time I discovered that his only aspiration was to bed other women.

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but my ex was a waiter so I’m pretty familiar with how much money they make… How can you possibly afford to drive a Porsche, wear designer clothes and shoes, and drink $40 glasses of Scotch on tips alone?”

Over the next forty-five minutes he explained to me exactly how a thirty-eight year old waiter could afford such lavish things:

He’s never been married, has no children, and still lives with his parents, so he doesn’t have to worry about rent.

His parents bought him his Porsche, so he has no car payment.

And the clothes and shoes? Well it seems Mr. Douchetastic has a bit of an addiction… to Nordstrom’s.

Once a month he treats himself to an expensive shopping spree, which he charges to his AmEx card(I’m guessing it’s actually his parent’s). He then proudly wears his expensive clothes for a few months, but later reattaches the tags and returns them to Nordstrom’s for a credit to buy a whole new wardrobe.

He also admitted that the only reason he asked me out on a date so quickly, was because he knew there was a Nordstrom’s near me. Turns out the one by him has become suspicious of his excessive returns and he needed a new location to shop at.

When I finally had a brief moment to talk about myself, I mentioned my son.

“Oh you have a kid? Was that on your profile?” he asked.

“Yep,” I replied.

“Oh. You know I talk to a lot of women and go on a lot of dates so it’s hard to keep track. I actually went to look at your profile before I came here, but I couldn’t even remember which dating site I met you on.”

CHECK!!!

As I drove home that night I felt defeated – but I knew I was partially to blame for ending up on a date with Mr. Douchetastic. After all he’d been forthcoming about what an asshole he was on his OKCupid profile – I’d just mistaken his honesty for sarcasm.

Had I asked him more important questions leading up to the date like, “Do you ripoff retail stores and currently reside in your parent’s basement?” I’d have known not to get my hopes up – or even go on the date at all.

Lessons learned.

While I didn’t find love that night, I did find inspiration for this blog post – so it wasn’t all bad.

That’s the great thing about being a blogger. You get to tell the world about your craptastic dates, and in doing so you see the humor in them instead of letting them break you.

Lucky me.

Continue reading »]]> I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m the world’s worst dater.

Especially when it comes to online dating.

Still, I refuse to give up. And it’s not because I’m a glutton for punishment; it’s because I know everything else I’m actually good at in life took practice, patience and hard work.

Though I’d like to leave my dating life to fate – to sit back, relax and let love come to me – as a busy single mom in my thirties who can’t go out every night of the week socializing, I know I can’t be a lazy ass if I really want to find Mr. Right For Me.

And I have been.

Damona Hoffman’s book Spin Your Web: How To Brand Yourself For Successful Online Dating finally opened my eyes to that, and her advice to take online dating as seriously as I take my job really hit home for me.

Sure I set up a kickass profile on OKCupid. I’ve even been on a few dates. And while I get more than my fair share of messages from men online dating, 9 times out of 10 I check out their profile, decide they’re not my type and never respond to them.

After a year of online dating with no luck at making it to a second date, I’d recently contemplated deleting my account and giving up on it completely – but as I began to read Damona’s book this week I had an AHA moment.

Maybe it’s not online dating that sucks, it’s my current approach to it.

What if I actually put time and effort into it online daily like I do my job?

I don’t sit around waiting for amazing opportunities to come to me in regards to my career – I take steps every day to make them happen.

Are you that proactive when it comes to falling in love? Me neither. But we should be!

In Spin Your Web, Damona Hoffman suggests that if we all treat internet dating like a paying job the results will be more lucrative.

The Spin Your Web system to branding yourself for successful online dating is two-fold:

Phase One is Online. This is where Damona teaches you how to pick the best site, create a profile that will attract the right person to you, search for your ideal mate effectively, send messages, set up dates and communicate comfortably online.

I’d already picked OKCupid as my online dating drug of choice, created my profile and recently begun actively searching for Mr. Right instead of waiting for him to come to me, but I’d been bungling first messages – which is pretty ironic since I’ve scoffed at dudes frequently for sending me shitty ones.

Hellllooo, Have you seen this video?

Funk that shit!

During Phase One, Spin Your Web suggests limiting your first message to three sentences and answering three questions to keep things simple and spark a conversation.

Sentence One: What Caught Your Eye About Them.

Sentence Two: What They Should Notice About You.

Sentence Three: Imagine Yourselves Together. Write something that evokes a picture of the two of you.

I’ve followed the above formula for the last two days, and while I haven’t received any replies yet I’m feeling much more comfortable composing first messages to people. That alone is a win for me.

Practice makes perfect!

Phase Two is Offline. This is where Damona gives you an outline to follow for the first eight dates – which includes suggested activities and who should pay for which. She also goes over topics to discuss, stories to tell and questions to ask to keep the conversation flowing on your first few dates despite your nerves.

As luck would have it, I have two dates lined up next week so I’m really looking forward to using some of her tips. I tend to get pretty nervous on first dates if I’m really into someone and hoping it will lead somewhere. Then my nerves come across as being shy and boring – which we know I’m anything but!

I’m love love LOVING Damona’s rule in Phase Two of not having sex until at least date five if you’re looking for a serious relationship. I’ve written many times about rushing into sex with men here and it’s almost always the kiss of death – and when it hasn’t been, it’s left me emotionally attached to men that aren’t right for me.

Maybe it sounds prude to hold off on sex ’til date five when everyone else my age is knockin’ boots on date one or two, but I’m planning to stick to this rule for the time being. Any guy that’s really interested in getting to know the real me will accept it with a smile and be willing to wait for it.

Since my career is in Marketing and I’ve successfully built a brand for myself online with my blog, I felt like the advice in Spin Your Web was made for me. I honestly don’t know why I never thought to use my marketing skills to attract men before.

Instead I’ve been flailing around without a plan, forgetting to showcase my best assets on a date to entice the right man to want to learn more about my story.

Unless you count cleavage. I always flaunt that shit.

In a world where we’re all “products” looking for the “shopper” that wants and needs what we have to offer, Spin Your Web seems like the perfect guide to successfully navigate online dating.

So don’t be a lazy ass and buy it.

Continue reading »]]> As a woman, I tend to spend a significant amount of time wondering why certain men that come into my life just aren’t that into me.

Or if they are initially into me and things don’t work out I just HAVE to try to figure out why.

Do you ever find yourself questioning what went wrong?

Are you wondering why he hasn’t called?

Do you too repeatedly ask yourself what YOU could have done differently to get a man to fall in love with you?

We really need to stop that crap because those questions are bullshit. Why? Because they’re all about giving someone else what they want.

What do YOU want? That’s what REALLY matters.

While you’re sitting there wasting time trying to fill in the blanks of why he didn’t call, spending hours creating answers in your head that most likely aren’t true, that guy is out there having a good time – and you should be too!

Once you stop obsessing you’ll probably realize that guy you’ve been driving yourself batshit crazy over wasn’t the right fit for you anyway.

I recently threw myself into a tizzy over the 23-year-old hottie I went on what I thought was a pretty kickass date with, only to never hear from him again.

I’ll admit that was a major blow to my self esteem since he was more than ten years younger than me. Rationally I knew the chances of a real relationship with a 23-year-old working out were slim – we’re both in completely different places in our lives – but having a younger guy pursue me made me feel pretty damn sexy and like I still had it.

When he stopped texting and calling it left me second-guessing my MILF status, even though deep down I know I totally am one.

Then last week I found myself obsessing over the fact that a male friend of mine found me cute enough to bang, but wasn’t into me enough to actually take the time to date me. We have a lot in common and were physically attracted to one another – you’d think that would be enough reason to pursue a meaningful relationship – yet for whatever reason he’s not into me that way.

I’m a pretty confident woman, but hearing him say he just wasn’t that into me hurt and left me wracking my brain for several days trying to figure out why.

At a certain point I decided to stop torturing myself with the Whys and instead thought about what I want. When I did I realized neither of the above men are it.

My wise friend Dr. Leah once told me that “Rejection is protection” and she’s right. As women, we’re sometimes blinded by our desire to feel loved – so much so that we all too often bend ourselves like a pretzel for a man in order to get it.

But nothing good ever comes of changing yourself to give someone else what they want. Every single one of my past relationships has ended because I was so focused on figuring out how to give someone else what they wanted I forgot about what I wanted.

Healthy relationships are about two people coming together to both get what they want. So the next time you find yourself sinking into the Whys, check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.

If a guy is right for you, you won’t be sitting around wondering why he suddenly got distant – because he wouldn’t.

“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

So shut your whore mouth and stop obsessing over why he’s not into you.

Continue reading »]]> I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” I asked my reflection, while I stared solemnly at the woman looking back at me.

She was not who I wanted or planned to be, but after unintentionally running in another circle I’d found myself face to face with her again.

You see, I’ve stared her down before – that girl with the endlessly empty feeling inside. She thinks the attention of men and casual sex will fill the void and give her what she needs, while leaving her freedom in tact, but in the end those things leave her feeling emptier than before.

They also leave her disgusted with the men that use her for her body, and even more disgusted with herself for allowing them to when she knows she deserves so much more.

I fought hard to avoid running into that lost and empty girl this past year, but after my last few disappointments  in love  I ended up running right back to her.

It’s a vicious cycle.

When my ex left, I had nothing – no self esteem and no money. I have come so incredibly far in the last three years and I figured out how to do it without a man in my life. That’s GINORMOUS for the co-dependent hiding in me.

So after building a stable and happy life for myself alone, I’m terrified to really depend on anyone only to have them let me down like all the men before. Most days it just seems easier to continue going it alone when I know I can count on myself not being an asshole to me.

The romantic situations I have dealt with throughout my life have left it incredibly hard for me to trust men without borders.

Basically men have been real dicks to me -but I also allowed them to so it’s not all on them.

Every once in awhile I convince myself that falling in love is worth the risk of getting hurt, and so I open myself up to the possibility of it again by actively dating.

The problem is I mostly attract emotionally unavailable men and my subconscious likes it. It knows that by getting involved with one of these types of guys I’m still playing it safe because chances are they’re not going to commit to me and my freedom will remain in tact.

Without even realizing it or wanting to, I find myself emotionally invested in someone who has no intentions of pursuing a real relationship with me. We go on a few dates, I think they like me, we end of sleeping together and then it’s done and I’m left disappointed, angry and wondering why – at which point I convince myself dating is bullshit, I was wrong for wanting love and that casual sex is the way to go.

Then I find myself agreeing to something as degrading as being someone’s fuck buddy, and afterwards I’m left feeling empty again.

The cycle has gone on and on for the last few years but I’m ready to break it.

Having casual sex with my friend last week reminded me of who I don’t want to be and what I want – and what I want is more than meaningless sex without a connection.

That kind of sex isn’t for me anymore. I’ve outgrown it.

Was the sex good? Sure. But for me, it would’ve been a million times better if it meant something to both of us.

Sex shouldn’t leave me feeling empty inside and I know I enjoy it more if it’s meaningful – yet I can’t even remember the last time that I’ve felt a real connection with anyone while being intimate.

It’s been way too long.

And that’s why I’m making the next guy I date work for it. Hell I’m making myself work for it too.

I don’t think I’ll go as far as to take Patti Stanger’s advice of no sex before monogamy – I mean I’d like to take a guy for a test drive before I change my relationships status – but it’s certainly going to take more than dinner and drinks to get my pants off from now on.

I know I’m worth the wait, and the right guy for me is too.

Continue reading »]]> Last week I asked all of you wonderful people to vote on what my next ridonkulous adventure should be – and I thought for sure you’d pick asking out Will Arnett because it seemed like the greatest chance for me to make an ass of myself.

BUT INSTEAD you decided that it was more important for me to get laid.

51.9% of you decided that I should let my friend stick his penis in me – otherwise known as FWB (Friends With Benefits).

Bless your perverted hearts!

I’d never really done the friends with benefits thing before. While I’d thought about it a few times I was never able to bring myself to go through with actually having sex with a male friend for the sake of sex.

There was always this fear that having sex with a friend would be awkward or even change the dynamic of our relationship.

During my last few years as a single woman, having sex with a guy has kind of been the kiss of death.

In a previous life, sex was always the thing that bonded me to a guy. Afterwards I’d find myself tumbling vagina first into serious relationships that were no good for me.

These days it’s the opposite; sex usually leads to me fleeing – hence my apprehension about ever going through with the whole friends with benefits thing despite my physical attraction to certain male friends in my life.

But when a friend of mine actually came out and asked me if I’d like to venture into the world of friends with benefits with him, I was intrigued. He presented it much like a business deal – showcasing all the pros. It all sounded pretty fucking great to this horny commitment-phobe who’d been going through a sexual dry spell.

The only thing that held me back was my fear of losing him as a friend.

Then you people helped me give fear the middle finger as you pushed me vagina first into having sex with him last night – because I had to follow through with the adventure you chose for me.

It very well may have been the best sex I’ve had in my life.

He took me places last night that no other friend has.

Homeboy was in no way, shape or form a selfish lover – and rocked my world for over two hours as opposed to 90% of the sex I’ve had in my lifetime that lasted no more than five minutes.

You probably should’ve stopped reading a few paragraphs ago, Dad.

And because I wasn’t preoccupied with where the sex would lead or “Oh my gosh what is this guy thinking and is he really into me?” I was free to just let my freak flag fly and focus on the sensations instead of the bullshit that is usually floating around in my head when I’m having sex with a guy I’m dating with the hopes of a relationship.

While having sex with my friend, I was free to be me – because he already knows how crazy I am.

The only tricky part was when I found myself with stars in my eyes, wanting to spoon with him due to my post multiple-orgasmic bliss – luckily he did indulge me instead of throwing my clothes at me when we were done.

That’s what friends are for.

But I’m smart enough to realize that too many more instances of us naked spooning could blur the lines for me  - so if we’re going to keep doing this I need to make sure my head is in the right place to avoid getting hurt.

I’d imagine we might eventually have to have a semi-awkward conversation to set some rules, but I’ll cross that naked bridge when I get there.

So here I sit before you today, now an advocate for Friends With Benefits –  with a huge smile, a few hickeys and SpongeBob band-aids on my nipples.

Where the fuck was that chapter in Fifty Shades of Grey, E L James?!

I wonder what my next adventure will be…

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I was talking to a friend on the phone today about my current state of Meh.

You see, I’ve felt like I’m at a bit of standstill the last few weeks – where everyday has felt almost exactly the same.

There’s been little excitement in my personal and professional life and it’s left me a bit depressed.

As much as being busy can drain me, it also makes me happy.

So many times I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s time to settle down – but settling down makes me miserable when I know I was meant for something more…

“Your audience is waiting to see what you’re going to do next…”

Shit, you are aren’t you? 

I did the whole seduce tons of men thing.

And I did the whole finding myself while seducing tons of men thing.

I also did the whole finally getting my own place thing.

I thought falling in love again would be my next thing, but I did that too and while that had its own rewards and got me over the hump, it didn’t turn into a forever thing.

So now what?

It’s your turn to tell me.

It’s time for a new adventure, and this time I’m letting you people take the wheel.

Crazy? Probably. But I’ve been crawling out of my skin lately due to the lack of crazy in my life so it’s time to shake things up.

Remember when you were little and you read those kickass “choose your own adventure” books and how it made you feel so fucking awesome to be the one to decide how the story was going to go?

Well I’m about to give you that power back.

Here’s your chance to have a part in writing my next blog post.

I’m about to give you three choices for my next adventure – each one has the potential to be a pretty hilarious blog post no matter what the outcome.

From now until Monday April 1st 2013, you’ll be able to vote on what adventure you want me to go on.

The adventure that gets the most votes is the one I will be forced to do and write a blog post about next week.

Ya know what, I’m even going to live tweet that shit for you while I’m doing it using the hashtag #ChooseMelysAdventure

I know it’s a long hashtag, but whatever.

This is either the best or worst idea I’ve ever had… but I digress.

And here are your nominees for next week’s Choose Mely’s Adventure:

1) Will Arnett follows me on Twitter, which means I have to power to DM him. Option one is for me to DM Will Arnett and ask him out on an actual date. Of course, he could completely ignore me. Or unfollow me. OR he could say yes and it will turn into the most epic blog post of all time…

I mean, maybe this poorly photoshopped dream I have on my vision board of us singing karaoke together could finally come true…

2) Ya know how OKCupid has that completely ridiculous Crazy Blind Date app? Well Option 2 is that I have to use it and go on an actual blind date with whatever freak  guy it chooses for me.

3) I have a guy friend who asked me recently if I’d like to be his friend with benefits. He’s a kickass single dad whom I adore, so I’ve been contemplating it. I’d like to get laid. But I also know it could turn into a disaster. Option 3 is that I go ahead and bang him next week and report back to you.

ANNNNNND GO! But please, Choose Mely’s Adventure wisely.

Oh who am I kidding…

 
VOTING HAS ENDED

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