Sex on the Brain

The State of the Hookup

2013-05-16T15:04:15Z

For many young adults, college is a rite of passage, filled with experiences ranging from parties to all-night cram sessions to that first serious relationship.

Yet romance may be getting short shrift these days, replaced instead with quick "hookups" devoid of any real emotion. That's the argument of a provocative new book, "The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy."

Not only are more college students hooking up -- kissing, making out and having sex -- but these experiences often leave them feeling empty, sad and regretful, author Donna Freitas argues.

But is this generation's view of sex and love really so grim? Of the 557 male and female students who responded to a question asking how they felt the morning after a hookup, 41% of those expressed sadness, regret and ambivalence.

The problem, contends Freitas, is a culture that overwhelmingly pressures young men and women to have meaningless hookups -- even though they might not enjoy it.

It's an intriguing argument, but is it really accurate?

"What has really changed is that among youth we see a decline in dating culture and so most college students have had more hookups than first dates," says Justin Garcia, a sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute in Indiana.

"Our data has shown that one of the greatest contributors to hookup behavior is a desire for sexual pleasure. However, there are also a large number of college students -- around 50% in one of our studies -- that hook up because they are hoping to start a romantic relationship or want emotional gratification."

Additionally, Kristen Mark, a sex and relationships researcher at Kentucky University, has found that students tend to view casual hookups as a positive alternative to romantic relationships.

"When we discuss the topic of casual sex and the hookup culture, they talk about it in the context of being too busy now to maintain a relationship or not wanting to make a relationship a priority at this stage in their life," she says. "Without exception, they discuss a long-term monogamous relationship as their desired end goal, but for now, casual sex meets their needs."

But true hookup culture isn't just about sex itself, says Freitas.

"Students define the sexual aspect of the hookup as 'anything from kissing to sex'," she explains. "To equate a hookup with casual sex is to miss the really important part of the conversation, which is that students feel so much pressure to show they are a part of things that they'll count almost anything as a hookup."

In other words, today's college culture has turned hooking up into a sport that all the "cool" kids are playing -- or at least talking about -- even if they secretly hate it.

But is hooking up -- and its sometimes bittersweet emotions -- just part of life?

"Although we tend to associate hookups with college students, people of all ages are doing it," says Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and Harvard researcher.

"Many men and women do express regret over some of their past hookups. But this is nothing new -- for as long as people have been having sex, they've had sexual regrets. And it's important to note that people often regret their romantic relationships, too, but we don't take that as a reason people should stop pursuing love."

Freitas says she would like to see college administrators take a role in expanding sexual education programs on campus. She also encourages young people to take breaks from "hooking up," find quiet time to talk to friends about intimacy and go out on real dates.

Emily Nagoski, wellness education director at Smith College, believes a holistic approach is necessary: "To create a culture that fosters satisfying relationships and sex, we must teach students how to live inside their bodies with confidence and joy," she explains. "Sex is part of that, but so are food, physical activity, sleep and mental health. The solution is living inside your body, rather than inside your beliefs about what's expected of you."

The good news? The urge to participate in hookup culture might be fleeting.

"As people get a bit older, we also see more traditional dating practices across all age groups," says Garcia. "That will never change -- pursuit of sex and love are at the core of the human condition."

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Does Your Bedroom Door need a Lock?

2013-04-25T20:18:42Z

It's a moment that not all parents have experienced, but that many of us fear: You're enjoying a passionate encounter with your partner, oblivious to the pitter-patter of little feet until it's too late.

Have you just scarred your kid for life? Certainly not -- but, depending on your child's age, you might have some explaining to do.

"Being walked in on during sex is a very common experience -- and a great example of why it is important to knock first, and always respect someone's privacy," says sexologist Logan Levkoff. "But before you say anything to your child, you are going to need to determine what they heard, saw, and if they even care about what was going on."

I believe that how you should address these questions or concerns depends on your child's age.

For example, most experts agree that parents shouldn't worry about being intimate near their baby.

"Many families choose co-sleeping with babies, or having babies in the parental bedroom," explains psychotherapist Jennifer Naparstek Klein. "It doesn't seem harmful for there to be parental sexuality while a baby snoozes or is nearby in various states of alertness. Babies cannot process what the parents are doing, so it has no significance to them."

Here are some considerations for every age group:

Toddlers: Some young children may be oblivious to sex, while others may need reassurance.

"Children sometimes think something violent or frightening is happening, and that should be addressed," says sex therapist Margie Nichols. "When my son was a toddler, he thought his stepdad was 'hurting' me because, well, we were way too loud and even very late at night my son could hear us."

Explain that you and your partner were having a private moment and that you weren't hurting each other, and leave it at that unless your child has more questions.

Elementary-age children: Kids this age have some curiosity about sex, but at the same time, they generally want to steer away from the subject.

"Always follow your child's lead on what they can handle," suggests Klein. "If they get too uncomfortable with sex talk, save it for a later time."

Tweens: By this age, many kids know what's going on and may even make noises of loud disgust if they walk in on you by accident. Yet it's a great time to give your child the idea that sex is a private, enjoyable activity that takes place in adult relationships, says Nichols.

Teens: "Older kids are sometimes amused when they guess that their parents have been sexual, but if it's in their faces too much of the time, it can create discomfort and anxiety," says Klein.

"Teens can better handle the idea of their parents as sexual beings, but they really don't need to see it. Ask any teenager: They'll tell you themselves whether they want to see their parents getting it on. I promise you, the answer is no."

But these days, you don't just have to worry about your child walking in on a private moment -- you may also have to explain other things encountered in or out of the home, such as sex toys, self-pleasuring and even pornography.

"The average age a kid sees porn is 10. It's everywhere and it's naive to think your kid won't see it," says sexual health educator Amy Lang of Birds + Bees + Kids.

"Tell them about porn before they stumble across it: 'Sometimes people look at pictures or videos of people having sex. This is called pornography, or porn. It's not for kids, and your heart and mind aren't ready to see something like this. You won't be in trouble if you do, but I need to make sure you are OK.'"

However you choose to talk about sex, "you want to remain low-key, not emotional. Try to assess where your child is coming from and what his or her unspoken questions might be, give appropriate information and be sex-positive," says Nichols.

Take some steps to prevent a repeat performance: Install a lock on your bedroom door, encourage kids to knock, play soft music or the TV for white noise at night, and schedule "private parent time" when your child knows not to disturb you.

But don't keep all intimacy behind closed doors. "Being affectionate -- not sexual -- in front of your children can be a wonderful thing," says Levkoff. "Kids should know that there is physical love and intimacy and we model for them how to express that in healthy ways." So kiss, hug, cuddle, and hold hands with your partner.

Is there such a thing as "normal" when it comes to sex?

2013-03-01T21:31:58Z

How does your sex life measure up? That's the central premise of "The Normal Bar," a new book by Chrisanna Northrup and sociologists Pepper Schwartz and James Witte.

Based on the responses of an Internet survey of some 70,000 people, "The Normal Bar" endeavors to ease people's concerns about their sexual relationships by providing readers with an idea of what's "normal" for most couples -- from how often they have sex, to how sexually adventurous they are, to how they romance each other outside the bedroom.

"It isn't about a 98.6 kind of normal -- just the normal of exceptionally happy couples (gay and straight) and what we can learn from them," Schwartz says.

One juicy nugget -- 86% of all men and women are intrigued by having kinky sex. "This just goes to show that both men and women want to be kept on their toes," says Patty Brisben, sex educator and entrepreneur. "I can't think of any couple who would be 'satisfied' with predictable sex for the same reason people don't watch the same movie every weekend: There's no mystery, no excitement."

Admittedly it's hard to resist checking out how we match up to other people between the sheets. "Couples that come into my practice with complaints about their sex life are often comparing themselves to a rather unrealistic and fictitious standard," Dr. Sue Varma says. "They have grown up watching Hollywood flicks believing that bedroom passion should be spontaneous."

Adds social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, "Almost all couples, both heterosexual and same-sex, worry about how their relationship stacks up. This naturally leads us to compare our relationships to those of other couples."

It may be natural, but is that comparison healthy? It depends, say experts.

"It's tempting to think that statistics about how often other people have sex can tell you how often you should be having sex," explains Emily Nagoski, a sex health educator. "But other people's sex lives have nothing to do with yours. Experiencing sex differently doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it just means you're doing it differently."

On the other hand, the quest to keep up with the Jones' sex life can have its perks, too. Although comparison "can be destructive if you think of the 'norms' as being ideals to strive for, it can also be empowering if it makes you feel that your experience has been validated and that you are less alone," says Margie Nichols, a sex therapist and pioneer in her work with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community.

"Because kink and open relationships are more common among lesbian, gay and bisexual people, these couples face more options and choices, something that can add a layer of complexity to a couple's sex life as well as more freedom."

Comparison may even inspire you to amp up your sex life a bit. For instance, "The Normal Bar" authors found that 48% of men want their female partners to be more romantic -- and that the No. 1 thing they want more of is communication, not sex.

"Responses like these might encourage some women to raise the bar on how they talk and act in the bedroom," sex educator Jamye Waxman says.

The survey results call into question stereotypes that men compartmentalize sex and emotions, says Jean Malpas, a psychotherapist in New York.

"Men are often described as rigidly separating sex and feelings," he says. "However, many straight, gay or bisexual men I encounter in my clinical practice appreciate meaningful sexual intimacy. They often long for a sexuality anchored in the complicity and playfulness of their romantic relationship."

One of the goals of "The Normal Bar" is to get couples talking about their sex lives and trying new things. It's an experience that Nagoski sees reflected in her own work as a college sex educator.

"By the end of the semester, my students know they're normal, but not because their quantity, quality or frequency of sex falls within some statistical range, compared to other people," she says. "They feel normal because they understand how varied people are, how many different ways there are to be 'normal,' and that the real measure for 'normal' is mutual consent and satisfaction."

Getting Along with the In-Laws

2012-12-13T14:34:34Z

Whether you adore your partner's parents or barely tolerate your in-laws, your rapport with them can have lasting effects on your own romantic relationship. In fact, according to new research, it could even predict your odds of staying together over the long haul.

For the study, which will be published in a future issue of the journal Family Relations, Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of "Finding Love Again," followed 373 couples who were newlyweds in 1986. She asked the men and women to rate how close they felt to their in-laws, on a scale of one to four, and then tracked their relationships over time.

After 26 years, Orbuch found that when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife's parents, the couple's risk of divorce decreased by 20%. Yet women who said they had a close relationship with their husbands' parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%.

It makes sense. A lot of men (myself included) look forward to the idea of gaining a new family when they get married. It's a chance to have a "mom" and "dad" without many of the entanglements that they have with their own parents: They can enjoy a ballgame or a home-cooked meal without feeling judged or hassled.

Plus, guys are less likely to worry that their in-laws are interfering in their relationship. Men tend to identify as a provider first and a father and husband second, so they don't find their in-laws' input particularly threatening, Orbuch says.

"Close in-law ties between a husband and his wife's parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her," she said. "When a husband gets close to his wife's parents, this says to her: 'Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.' And of course, that makes us as women feel really good."

Being a daughter-in-law can be much trickier. On one hand, a woman may be more likely to form a bond with a man's parents when she wants to change something about him or get him to agree with her about an aspect of child-rearing -- essentially, trying to get his parents on her "side." This closeness can result in a unified front against the husband and, as you might imagine, is apt to infuriate him.

Yet a tight relationship with the in-laws can also backfire for many women: Closeness may give a mother-in-law a greater sense of access and ability to cross boundaries and meddle, which can seem threatening, particularly if a woman feels that her in-laws are interfering with her identity as a wife and mother.

Orbuch says that in her long-term study, she found in-law ties to be very stressful for women.

"If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set the clear boundaries."

Here are some tips for getting along with your in-laws and strengthening your relationship with your spouse.

Get to know them. Don't limit face time with your in-laws to the holidays, when everyone may be feeling more stressed. Spend time with them socially on occasion, and get acquainted with them as people. This is especially important if you're a man, because caring for your wife's parents shows her that you care for her, too.

Know your limits. If you're a woman, let your in-laws know that you want a loving relationship with them, but set some boundaries. Just because they're your husband's parents doesn't mean you should tell them everything.

Maintain a careful distance. This is especially true if you have kids. Don't let in-laws use their desire to visit with your children as a way to invade your life, and don't allow them to critique your parenting skills. Just because you have given them grandchildren doesn't mean in-laws should have an open door at all times.

Keep things cordial. Don't insult your in-laws, even behind their backs. If you have an issue with them, talk reasonably to your partner. Even if your spouse complains about his or her parents, stay quiet. No one likes having their parents attacked.

Put your relationship first. Defend your relationship against outside threats -- even if that means your in-laws. I meet so many couples whose anger stems from one or both partners feeling undefended: "He lets his mother walk all over me!" "She never stands up to her father, or stands up for me!" If this kind of behavior persists, it can poison a marriage. Instead, make it clear that you expect your spouse to defend you without lashing out or being passive-aggressive.

Remember, you married your spouse, not his or her parents. But you can make the holidays -- and every day -- a bit brighter by forging realistic bonds with them.

Is Body Image a Distraction During Sex

2012-12-03T14:37:38Z

If recent research is any indication, dissatisfaction with your body -- feeling overweight, unattractive or physically unappealing -- could be putting a crimp in your love life.

The study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, looked at the way men and women view their bodies during sex, a concept known as body appearance cognitive distraction during sexual activity.

More than 660 people answered questions about their satisfaction with their bodies during sex, as well as their satisfaction with the way they believed their sexual partners viewed their bodies.

The researchers found that being generally dissatisfied with one's body and being unhappy with particular body parts predicted body appearance cognitive distraction during sexual activity. For women, their partner's perceived opinion of their body ("He must think my stomach is too fat or my breasts are too small") also had a negative effect on sexual self-esteem.

It's certainly not uncommon to worry about the way our bodies look, from a spare tire to some cellulite. But when these concerns carry over from the dressing room to the bedroom, they can have a real impact on the ability to feel sexy.

According to a 2011 survey by the makers of the herbal supplement Fembido, 52% of women say that a lack of confidence about their bodies makes them reluctant to be intimate. Admittedly, any survey conducted by a drug company interested in enhancing female desire should be taken with a grain of salt, but previous research has shown that this cognitive distraction can affect sexual self-esteem, assertiveness, arousal, pleasure and even orgasm.

"Bodily concerns can reduce both the frequency and quality of sex," explained Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist and sex columnist. "For one thing, people who do not feel attractive or sexy will be less likely to initiate sex and more likely to turn down offers for it."

So how can you put the "love" back in your love handles? Start by gently asking yourself (or your partner) what's at the root of disinterest in sex.

"Hiding behind being too tired, too busy or too stressed for intimacy are common excuses when the real reason may have to do with body image," said Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure. Once you've admitted that you may be feeling less than attractive, work on increasing your self-esteem with these tips:

Get to know your pedals and brakes.

According to the dual control model of sexual response, we all have gas pedals (things that excite us) and brakes (things that inhibit us). Your personal pedals could be a particular fantasy, the scent of your partner's cologne or a flash of long legs, for example. And your brakes could be the fear of not pleasing your partner or, yes, the idea of disgusting him or her with your round belly or thinning hair.

The good news: "By being mindful and learning to enjoy the way your body responds to touch, you can train your 'brakes' to ignore body image and other thoughts that can impede sexual arousal and orgasm," sex educator Emily Nagoski writes.

Tune in to tune out.

Music may help take you out of your body and increase arousal, recent research suggests. One study conducted by a music psychologist commissioned by the music site Spotify found that 40% of people say that music was more important to their sexual arousal than their partner's physique and even his or her touch. So queue up some Marvin Gaye, Barry White or Kings of Leon -- top picks for a sexy playlist, according to Spotify.

Boost self-esteem slowly.

Although the visuals of sex add to many people's arousal, they can slam on the brakes for those who feel less than attractive. Ease your way into things by slowing moving from pitch-black surroundings to dim lighting. Consider wearing a sexy chemise or other lingerie to cover body parts that concern you, Levine says, and then slowly removing it as you feel more comfortable.

Do the math.

Studies show that many men are dissatisfied with the size of their penis, while many women worry about the size of their breasts. But the truth is, "most men actually report being happy with their partners' breasts, and most women are happy with the size of their partners' genitals," Lehmiller said. "This tells us that a lot of people are worrying about their appearance for no good reason."

And remember, the brain is our biggest sex organ. It pays to worry less about the size of your belly, butt or breasts -- and redirect that attention to sexy talk, fantasies and other "brainy" activities instead!

Pathways to Fantasizing

2012-11-05T17:12:24Z

With the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" still flying off the shelves, women are discovering the power of sexual fantasy, some for the first time. According to neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, authors of "A Billion Wicked Thoughts," while men tend to have visually driven fantasies, women prefer to fantasize about what a man might do to them.

For example, the top five female fantasies involve having sex with a stranger, being worshipped in bed, being ravaged in bed, being watched by others and enjoying a threesome. In other words, women tend to fantasize about being the object of desire. Erotica is wonderful, but you don't need a book to feel sexy. In fact, indulging in a little bit of fantasy on your own may be even more effective at spurring both sexual desire and arousal, according to a recent study.

Researchers at the University of Michigan have shown that different forms of sexual fantasy may have a real impact on arousal and desire, particularly for women.

For their study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Katherine Goldey and Sari van Anders randomly assigned 128 women and 98 men to one of four groups, or "arousal conditions."

One group completed an imagined social situation exercise in which they imagined a positive sexual encounter and then answered open-ended questions about it. The others engaged in typical unstructured fantasy (imagining sexual situations but not writing about them), while others read an erotic story of the researchers' choice or took part in a neutral exercise (writing about the room they were in).

Then they rated their perceived genital arousal (how they felt physically), as well as their "state" desire (whether they wanted to have sex).

The results: The first three groups all reported experiencing increased genital and psychological arousal, as well as higher "state" desire, compared with the neutral group. The group who engaged in unstructured fantasy had the greatest arousal.

Interestingly, though, the researchers also measured "trait" desire -- sort of a person's general set point for sexual desire, once believed to be unchangeable -- and discovered that the imagined social situation exercise group, the ones imagining a positive sexual situation, reported significantly higher trait desire after that exercise.

That's great news for all of us, but particularly for women, who often tend to experience sexual desire in response to the sex they're already having. In other words, you may not feel quite so "into" sex in the beginning, but your desire and arousal grow as the interlude progresses.

Indeed, female sexual response is typically characterized by "responsive desire," while male sexual response is more likely characterized by "spontaneous desire," says sex educator Emily Nagoski, author of the "Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms."

"'Responsive desire' is when motivation to have sex begins after sexual behavior has started: You're doing something else when your partner comes over and starts kissing you, and you think, 'Oh yeah! That's a good idea,'" she explains.

"'Spontaneous" desire, more typical of male sexuality, works more like this: You're walking down the street and for no immediately obvious reason you think, "Hm. I'd like to have sex!"

As the new study suggests, actively fantasizing about sex isn't just a way to pass the time. It can create real changes in your body, moving you from thinking about sex in the abstract to fueling real desire and arousal.

Fantasy is also a sign of a healthy sex life, and sharing those fantasies with your partner doesn't just have the potential to spice things up in the bedroom. It also means that you feel secure and confident in your relationship.

It's often been said that the brain is our biggest sex organ, and this study only confirms that. So, give your brain a workout with a fantasy or two. You might be surprised where it leads you.

Sex, Money & Happiness

2012-10-04T15:02:31Z

Money might not buy love, but it can allow for a sizzling sex life.

About 70% of multimillionaires -- with a mean net worth of a whopping $90 million -- say they enjoy better and more adventurous sex, according to a 2007 survey by Prince & Associates Inc., a marketing research firm specializing in global private wealth.

"Fully 63% of rich men said wealth gave them 'better sex,' which they defined as having more-frequent sex with more partners. That compares to 88% of women who said more money gave them better sex, which they defined as 'higher quality' sex," writes Robert Frank in an article for the Wealth Report entitled "The Rich Libido."

It makes sense when you think about it: Money relieves much of the life stresses that most of us have to deal with, helping those 1%ers relax and let go.

The security of extreme wealth can provide a sense of stability that many people, particularly female millionaires, find empowering. And expensive toys like private jets and trips to exotic locales certainly don't hurt, either.

Hooking up with the rich may even improve the quality of sex, at least for women. In a 2009 study (PDF), researchers at Newcastle University found that as male partners' income increased, so did the frequency of women's orgasms.

Political differences and the bedroom

Could money act as an aphrodisiac? Maybe. Or, as the study's authors suggest, perhaps wealth-inspired orgasms are the result of evolution, helping women discriminate between men to find those that have the best provider potential.

However, a partner who can provide more resources and more orgasms may not necessarily be the best long-term bet, because wealth changes people, and not always for the better.

According to social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, "Wealthier people engage in more dishonest and unethical behavior, and these traits may follow them into the bedroom. In fact, research has found that power and wealth are linked to a higher likelihood of infidelity."

But luckily for all of 99%ers, sex itself may confer more happiness than money ever could.

In one study, researchers at Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick, England, measured levels of happiness in 16,000 men and women. They found that the more sex people had, the happier they were, regardless of their age or whether they were male or female.

And while money was found to buy more sexual partners, it didn't necessarily buy more sex. In fact, men who paid for sex were considerably less happy than those who didn't, which makes sense.

According to Lehmiller, "You can buy all of the sex you want, but at the end of the day, most of us want and need more than a few moments of physical contact. Purchasing sex does not meet our psychological needs for intimacy and emotional connection."

The researchers even found that sex is so closely tied to happiness that they estimated increasing sexual intercourse from once a month to once a week would have the same mood-boosting effects as adding $50,000 a year in income.

Sex may contribute to your happiness -- and your actual bank account -- in other ways, too. According to research by biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, people who have more sex might do better at work.

Sex triggers the release of various brain chemicals, such as dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin, which are associated with creativity, problem-solving, cooperation and confidence. It stands to reason, says Fisher, that regular sex might improve performance in the boardroom as well as the bedroom.

So how can you reap these rewards? Invest in your relationship by giving it the same time and attention that you would your retirement portfolio. Make time for date nights. Make sure that the number of positive interactions with your partner outnumbers the negatives.

Practice 30-second hugs to get those feel-good chemicals flowing. Share a cuddle -- and maybe a fantasy or two. Remember, you may not own six homes and a private jet, but when you bank on your relationship, you can feel just as rich.

So what makes you happier: sex or money?

The Sex Appeal of Stay-At-Home Dads

2012-07-26T14:18:35Z

According to the most recent U.S. Census, some 2 million men function as the primary caregivers in their families, and that number is substantially on the rise in light of the current "mancession." But what the stay-at-home dad lacks in earning power he may make up for in sexiness.

There's no research on the subject, but single ladies and married moms alike seem to find stay-at-home dads hot. Are stay-at-home-dads simply sexier than their at-work counterparts? Or does their relative rarity just confer upon them a certain je ne sais quoi?

"Personally I prefer a scruffy, relaxed dad to a clean-shaven, stressed-out one," says Heidi Raykeil, author of "Confessions of a Naughty Mommy."

"This is why the dads at the park are often so attractive! Plus, they are engaged and active with their kids, which warms our hearts -- and other areas."

Apparently, there's just something about a guy and his kid(s) that sets women aflutter. There's even research to support this phenomenon.

For a 2006 study, researchers asked a group of men which photo they preferred: a picture of an adult or a picture of an infant. They then photographed the men's faces and showed them to a group of women.

The results? Women found the men who liked babies more attractive, especially as potential long-term partners.

"Women like to see a gentle, caring side and to know that all the work of marriage is worth it," says Raykeil. "When dads are engaged, it engages us to watch them and feel good about our choice of life partner."

And this sentiment doesn't seem to be limited to heterosexual couples.

"The things I find attractive in my husband of 20 years are a certain strength and ambition, a sense of humor, and now -- being fathers for seven years -- that nurturing quality that I hadn't seen before we had kids," says Dan Bucatinsky, author of "Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight? Confessions of a Gay Dad."

There may be at least partly a biochemical explanation for the attractiveness of dads, and of stay-at-home dads in particular. According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, the latter are likely to have lower levels of the "male" sex hormone testosterone and more circulating estrogen, a "female" sex hormone.

As a result, these men tend to be more interested in children, calmer, more patient, more verbally skilled, better at reading posture, gesture and tone of voice, more compassionate and more apt to have other traits necessary for parenting young children.

While some women find high-testosterone men more attractive, others are drawn to guys with a softer side, says Fisher. And studies have shown that the less testosterone a man has, the less likely he is to cheat, the more supportive he is and the better he is at providing for his family.

"All women want the father of their children to be interested in their kids," she says. "This makes a woman confident that he will participate in parenting and help their mutual DNA survive."

And like a guy with a wedding ring, a man with a child in tow advertises "unavailability," which may make it easier for some women to find attractive what they know they can't have.

I also suspect that thinking about having a man around to help care for the kids and manage household chores can help reduce stress for a lot of women. Research shows that women are more likely to experience orgasm if they feel relaxed and free of distractions, while other studies suggest that women report more relationship and sexual satisfaction when their partners help out around the house. And a stay-at-home dad can be the ultimate helper.

Still, some women may find stay-at-home dads not at all sexy ... for good reason.

"Even with men staying home more, women still tend to do more housework," said Raykeil. "It can be frustrating to come home after a long day of bringing home the bacon, and then have to scrape this morning bacon off the unwashed dishes."

And, as with any stay-at-home partner, there's the potential for risk. A husband who stays home with the kids may start to seem dull -- or at least symbolic of the dullness that punctuates parenting sometimes, says Raykeil.

"Whenever one partner is working outside the home, he or she has more opportunities to meet other interesting people that may represent excitement and exploration outside of home life," she says.

Logan Levkoff, sexologist and author of "How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You," adds: "Our perceptions of stay-at-home dads vary based upon our understanding or acceptance of traditional gender roles. As more women enter the work force (and feel fulfilled by our out-of-home jobs), we like partners who are willing to pick up the slack. That being said, it is a double-edged sword. Sadly, if a man feels emasculated by his SAH status, it is very difficult to have a fulfilling sex life."

In the end, though, parenting is about a lot more than just who, if anybody, stays home with the children.

"The role of a 'dad' is changing, both in straight and gay relationships," says Bucatinsky. "People look for partners now with far more complex and varied qualities rather than just one."

Raykeil agrees. "I think we're in the course of redefining masculinity and fatherhood and 'providing,' " she says. "After all, what better way to provide for your family than providing a loving and engaging relationship with your kids?"

Erotic Capital

2012-07-13T18:22:09Z

Madonna's got it. So do George Clooney, Tina Turner and Robert Redford.

These celebrities are certainly good-looking, but they also possess what sociologist Catherine Hakim has dubbed "erotic capital" - a term that describes a certain je ne sais quoi that includes, but isn't limited to, sexual attractiveness.

Harness your erotic capital, Hakim boldly suggests in her recent book by the same name and you've got the potential to not only land a mate, but to get ahead at work and in society as a whole.

Sociologists and economists have long recognized three main types of capital: social, economic and cultural. Your capital depends on the assets and resources you can potentially use for gain, whether that means making more money or making more friends. But we're neglecting a fourth important kind of capital, Hakim argues.

By her definition, erotic capital is more than just good looks and has six main facets:

1. Beauty

2. Sexual attractiveness

3. Social skills/likeability

4. Liveliness

5. Style

6. Sexual competence

While one of these characteristics might make you gorgeous or funny or fun, you need the whole group to maximize erotic capital. And you don't have to be born with it - erotic capital is cultivated and learned and has a lot to do with your self-esteem.

Even if you've got "it" you might not be capitalizing on it. Hakim says women have more erotic capital than men do -- and that they should be exploiting it more as a result.

She bases this idea partly on studies that suggest that men tend to have stronger libidos than women.

"Men's demand for sexual activity and erotic entertainment of all kinds greatly exceeds women's interest in sex," Hakim writes. In this line of thinking, sex has a market value, and women have the potential to leverage their ability to supply men's demand for it.

I find this theory interesting, although I certainly don't agree with it fully. As I've discussed in an earlier column on low male libido, there are plenty of couples in which the woman wants more sex and is coping with a male partner who has a low sex drive. And as the recent frenzy for the erotic trilogy "Fifty Shades of Grey" makes clear, women have a voracious appetite for sexual entertainment.

At the same time, we live in a culture that has become increasingly centered around sex. Many women already feel as if they need to compete with porn stars, strippers and celebrity sex tapes for male attention. Are we really suggesting that society needs more of this, not less?

Just as sexism still exists, so too does "looksism." People considered attractive, regardless of their gender, tend to be treated more favorably than their less-attractive counterparts.

In his book "Beauty Pays: Why Attractive People are More Successful" economist Daniel Hamermesh contends that good-looking men earn approximately 17% more money than not so good-looking men, while attractive women earn 12% more; as a whole attractive people earn a total of $230,000 more than those considered unattractive (based on average wage of $20 per hour), according to Hamermesh.

While most would respond that "appearance-discrimination" is an unsavory aspect of our society that we should be seeking to transcend, Hakim maintains that erotic capital has been largely ignored because "it is held mostly by women, and the social sciences have generally overlooked or disregarded women in their focus on male activities, values, and interests."

Yet she also blames feminists for neglecting an opportunity to exploit female erotic capital; feminist theory, she says, encourages women to choose between using their looks and using their intelligence to succeed.

As you might imagine, critics bridle at many of her claims. As Anna North writes on the post-feminist blog Jezebel, "The bottom line is that 'erotic capital' is all about others' perceptions of women, rather than about things women themselves can do or acquire. That's the main reason 'soft power' isn't real power -- because when your influence is based on someone else's desire, he's the one who's really in control."

I do think Hakim makes some compelling points. Sure, strippers, porn stars, cocktail waitresses and even geishas are financially dependent on their ability to take advantage of their erotic power by making themselves appealing to men. But erotic capital may have subtler effects, too.

Who among us -- male or female -- hasn't found that a smile, laugh, and a little harmless flirting can have the potential to open doors, whether that means getting a better table at a restaurant, a raise at work or securing a second date?

And erotic capital isn't solely the domain of women. "Men now find it necessary to develop their erotic capital as well," admits Hakim. "They are devoting more time and money to their appearance, work out in gyms to maintain an attractive body, spend more on fashionable clothes and toiletries, and display more varied hairstyles."

Perhaps they've realized that a little erotic capital never hurt anyone. And if the success of the hit male stripper film "Magic Mike" is any indication, women are happy to share the power.

Male Sexual Fluidity

2012-06-29T18:17:02Z

In a new critically-acclaimed off-Broadway play, with a title too controversial for print, a gay man finds himself falling for a woman, which makes him - and his male partner - wonder whether he's "really" gay after all.

Can a gay man who is sexually attracted to women still be gay? And what about straight men who get turned on by other men? Are men "sexually fluid"?

Female sexual fluidity - the capacity to move from romantic relationships with men to those with women, and vice versa - is well established, as I've previously discussed. Male sexual fluidity is less clear, yet it seems to be on the minds of many men and women. In fact, I'm often approached by women who are worried because they've caught their husbands or boyfriends looking at gay porn.

According to psychotherapist Joe Kort there are plenty of reasons why a straight man might be interested in gay porn--and most of them aren't signs that he's questioning his sexuality. Likewise, a gay guy might get turned on by straight porn, but that doesn't make him straight.

"Many straight men are just curious about gay sex and how it works... or are turned on by gay male porn but have no desire to actually have sex with a man," he explains.

In other cases, straight men may be just looking for an anatomy lesson.

"In our data, fewer than 2% of straight men searched for both gay porn and straight porn," says neuroscientist Dr. Ogi Ogas, who, as coauthor of the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts," analyzed a billion Internet searches and other sources of sexual data. "Yet straight men do search for images of penises - especially large penises - almost as often as they search for vaginas."

So it's possible that these men aren't necessarily interested in sex with other men, but are simply comparing their own anatomy to that of other guys.

A man could also be looking for new fantasies: If he's a heavy porn user, a straight man may peruse gay porn as his ability to become aroused by straight porn ebbs and his tolerance to sexual imagery increases. Some guys say they surf porn the way they surf TV channels, and what they stop on depends on their mood or the interest level of the content itself.

It's this tendency to focus on sex acts themselves, rather than gender, that partly helps explain male sexual fluidity, says Kort.

"Straight men may go to Craigslist and get turned on by the descriptions of sexual acts with other men, but aren't actually turned on by the men themselves," he explains. "This is what separates 'mostly' straight men from gay men."

One thing is clear, though: Society is a lot less accepting of male sexual fluidity.

Elisabeth Loyd, an affiliated faculty scholar at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction reports that many men themselves say they find their potential for sexual fluidity "very threatening." And Kort tells me that he's been criticized by some in the gay community for his view on male sexual fluidity because the concept of sexual fluidity implies that sexual orientation may be more a matter of choice than genetics.

Sadly, it seems that women are freer to explore sexual fluidity - either in fantasy or reality.

"Women have more permission to be sexually fluid, or even to just be physically loving and affectionate with female friends," says Kort. "Men do not have these permissions without being labeled as forever 'gay'."

Indeed, we seem to feel the need to force men to define their sexuality as "gay" or "straight". The results of a recent study in the journal Biological Psychology may help change that. The study demonstrated that some men who say they're "bisexual" actually do get aroused by both men and women - a big change from an earlier study found no proof that male bisexuality exists.

And some research suggests that acceptance of both male and female sexual fluidity may increase with younger generations: According to Cornell University psychologist Ritch Savin-Williams more teenagers and young adults are avoiding such labels as "gay," "lesbian" or "bisexual" altogether or are inventing new descriptions, such as "mostly straight."

And living life, rather than focusing on labels, is a large part of what sexual fluidity is all about.

Two's Company: apps for Couples

2012-05-31T15:05:35Z

There's no doubt that Facebook and other types of social media can be a real threat to even the strongest relationships. I sometimes advise couples to avoid "friending" each other on social media because it saps a sense of mystery from the relationship. By dinner, you already know that your partner had a lousy day at work, ate a ham sandwich for lunch, and can't wait for the season finale of Dancing With the Stars. What's left to talk about? Plus, post some sweet nothings on your partner's "wall" and you're apt to get mocked by your friends - or at least make them uncomfortable with your public displays of virtual attention.

Luckily, a number of new digital services are aimed not at tearing couples apart, but at keeping them glued firmly together. Think of them as a Facebook built just for two, where you can lay on all the effusive displays of digital affection that you want, without judgment. Better yet, there's no dealing with pesky exes, nosy family members, getting tagged in embarrassing photos, or a steady barrage of "friend" requests that get in the way of your most special friendship.

Consider Between, a digital service that describes itself as "an intimate space for two". Created in South Korea (but available in the U.S. and other Western countries), Between stems from the idea that many people - and Asians in particular - are reluctant to share private memories with others, even their friends. Instead, the app allows couples to create photo albums, message boards for sweet (or saucy) notes, and instant messages, all of which are shared only with one's partner. Users can build a one-to-one archive of materials including chat history and photo albums, and they can also share a "virtual memory box." Since launching about six months ago in Korea, nearly 1 million people worldwide in relationships have signed on for the service (or about 500, 000 couples, since each user can only have one partner.) Although available in the United States as an app, the company plans to launch more officially in the US later this year.

Other programs like TwoSome and TwoCup offer similar functions, including a score of your relationship's overall health, "coins" that you can cash in for real date nights, and shared calendars to help couples coordinate their schedules. And still other apps are geared to specific audiences: Kindu is aimed at helping couples explore their sexual fantasies, as is Sex Life. LoveDare is meant for Christian couples, and the amusingly named Girlfriend Keeper helps partners (okay, men) remember anniversaries and other important relationship dates.

While such apps might elicit some eye rolling, particularly from single people, I think they can be a positive addition to a couple's relationship. Technology has changed the way we work, the way we communicate, and, yes, the way we interact with (or ignore) our romantic partners. Couples apps not only help us from becoming disconnected from each other, but they also offer us the chance to playfully reconnect - and that's a benefit worth "liking."

same-sex relationships: same issues?

2012-05-17T19:14:34Z

Couples of all orientations find themselves struggling with the same issues, from mismatched libidos to sex ruts to infidelity. "The underlying dynamics are identical," says Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of "A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships."

"They may play out differently because of the differences in gender or because of external social pressures, but the rules are the same - and there's some clear indications that gay couples are actually better at following those rules than straight couples!"

Nagoski pointed me to a 12-year study of same-sex couples by eminent marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman, which concluded that all couple types - straight or gay - have many of the same issues and the same paths to staying happy together.

But Gottman's research also indicated that gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict and, compared to straight couples, use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement.

"When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples," says Gottman. "Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships."

Studies suggest, for instance, that gay male couples tend to have sex more often than any other type of couples, while lesbian couples tend to have the least amount of sex. Since women often value emotional intimacy over sexual intimacy, low sex drive may not be a concern.

Likewise, two men who have strong libidos may be able to accommodate their sexual desires within an open relationship.

"A number of my gay clients prefer to be sexually open but emotionally monogamous," says sex and relationship therapist Joe Kort. "They can have lovers on the side and not have it be a threat to the relationship."

It's a type of male coupledom that sex columnist Dan Savage has famously termed "monogamish" - but it's not necessarily unique to gay relationships.

"Overall, men are good at compartmentalizing sexual and emotional feelings," explains Kort. "It's a guy thing, not a gay thing."

At the same time, gay and lesbian couples can have unique concerns that just don't exist in straight relationships. For example, "each partner may be in a different stage of coming out," says Kort.

"If one partner is more 'out', he or she may push for things that the other partner might not feel comfortable with yet, like meeting one another's families or being physically affectionate in public."

Gender can also play a big role in the way couples relate to each other, in and out of the bedroom, and same-sex couples are no exception.

In general, says Kort, women tend to focus on emotional intimacy, while men can be more emotionally distant. Lesbian and gay couples may benefit from counseling when both partners strongly have these characteristics. In other words, a female couple may be so closely bonded that they want to work on nurturing their individual selves, while counseling can help a male couple learn how to better open up to each other.

If you're considering counseling, it pays to do your research.

"Your therapist doesn't have to be gay or lesbian, but he or she should be absolutely be gay and lesbian-informed, not just gay and lesbian-friendly," explains Kort.

That includes having deep insight into the often-subtle differences between same-sex and heterosexual couples, from concerns about discrimination and being 'out', to childhood influences, to sexual issues.

The latest in treating Premature Ejaculation (PE)

2012-05-04T20:14:43Z

Given the ease with which the average person can rattle off brand names like "Viagra" and "Cialis," or joke about "four hour erections," it would seem that erectile-dysfunction drugs are just about as common as ibuprofen.

We take it for granted, but the little blue pill has drastically changed the way we think about erectile disorder (ED).

Once known as "impotence," ED was originally thought to be caused by anxiety, nerves, or low self-esteem; now it's commonly known to be a health issue that hinges on the flow of blood to the penis and taking a pill to deal with the issue is often no big deal.

Don't get me wrong: this is not to say that Viagra and its brethren - Levitra, Cialis and the new FDA-approved Stendra - are the be-all end-all, or even that they're unequivocally effective. It's just that these medications have helped to spur a national dialogue (and often a debate) that has changed the way we think about sexual problems.

But now that ED has come out of the shadows, what about the other major male sexual issue -- premature ejaculation (PE)?

As I discussed in an earlier column, PE, (the inability to maintain intercourse for more than a minute without ejaculating) is known to affect up to a third of all men, making it even more prevalent than ED. And yet we tend to think about PE in much the same way we once thought about erectile disroder - shrouded in myth.

Most still think of PE as a function of psychology or behavioral conditioning, rather than physiology and neurochemistry. For example, many wrongly assume that:

PE only affects young men who are sexually selfish or immature
it's the result of early masturbation habits
it hints at deeper, psychological issues

But in my professional work, I've observed that men who struggle with PE don't do anything differently than men who don't have the problem. They don't masturbate differently; they don't have different psychological issues; they don't approach sex differently.

Much like a predisposition toward right-handedness, premature ejaculators are often just born that way.

Fortunately, PE is increasingly recognized as a health issue, and this is a relief to those men who struggle with it and can't help but ask themselves: What's wrong with me?

As with the little blue pill, the pharmaceutical industry has been on the hunt for a PE drug. Just as the discovery of Viagra was somewhat of an accident (its erectile-enhancing qualities were only discovered after the drug was being developed as a potential heart medication), it's been observed that certain SSRI-based medications can delay ejaculation.

Ironically, what is a sexual side-effect to many may actually be a sexual boon to the man who suffers from PE, and so some doctors will prescribe the off-label use of an SSRI to help manage the condition.

One drug - Priligy - is a short-acting selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor that is being marketed in parts of Europe as a premature ejaculation pill, but it has not yet received FDA approval here in the U.S..

Another medication potentially awaiting FDA approval is PSD502, a topical numbing agent that can be applied to the penis to decrease penile sensitivity. The use of such numbing agents as a treatment for PE dates back to 1943, but these products have had their limitations.

For one thing, it's been difficult to establish a recommended dosage.
For another, these topical solutions need to be applied at least 20 to 30 minutes before intercourse in order to be effective.
Additionally, if numbing agents are being used, the man may be required to use a condom to ensure that his partner's genital area does not also become numb.
While helping to diminish penile sensitivity, a numbing agent does not address a man's "ejaculatory trigger" which is neurochemically activated.

Still, those behind PSD502 claim to have developed a formula that doesn't suffer from many of these drawbacks. Like Priligy, PSD502 is not yet available, but a very similar product has been FDA-approved based on a pre-existing monograph.

Dubbed Promescent, this product carries many of the same benefits of PSD502 and effectively decreases penile sensitivity without transmitting any numbness to a man's partner.

But as helpful as a product like Promescent can be, I still counsel men to focus first on partner-communication, as well as "sex scripts" that de-emphasize intercourse while vouchsafing female pleasure - both of which I discuss exhaustively in my e-book, "Overcoming Premature Ejaculation."

From there, many men who suffer from PE may find that they still need to pursue a broader "biopsychosocial" approach: one that combines behavioral, medical, and interpersonal approaches. In the absence of a single "silver bullet" to do away with PE, it's often necessary to do a little bit of everything.

Let's not wait for the next blockbuster drug to arrive in order to have a meaningful, well-informed conversation about PE. It may never come, but the conversation should.

Vacation Sex

2012-04-13T01:26:02Z

What is it about getting away that makes a vacation so conducive to getting it on? With millions of Americans on spring break this month, a quick look at the vicissitudes of vacation sex seems in order.

Of course you don't need a study (although there has been one) to tell you that college students are inclined to seek out opportunities for casual sex during spring break.

But data also suggests that even non-student holiday travelers are likely to feel more sexual during a vacation, and for similar reasons: a sense of freedom from at-home restrictions, a relaxation of inhibitions, a focus on having a good time and, no surprise, high alcohol consumption.

First and foremost, vacations provide an opportunity to escape from all the things that stress us out when we're at home - work, parenthood, that pile of socks next to the hamper.

"Taking time to check-out from your hectic life, and check-in to a hotel or resort is the perfect way to rejuvenate your relationship and reconnect with your partner," says Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Igniteyourpleasure.com.

"When on vacation turn off your digital devices, and tune in to your partners," adds Logan Levkoff, sex educator and author of "How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex with You."

"While a vacation is no time to go on a physical diet, it could be just the time to go on a 'digital diet' and cut back on your intake of e-mails and texts," Levkoff says. "More than anything vacations should be about re-connecting with your partner and disconnecting from your daily life."

And guys, take note: researchers in the Netherlands found that "the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety." One study scanned the brains of men and women during the process of sexual response using a technique called positron emission tomography (PET). The results showed that the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion were reduced during sexual activity.

"What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm," says Dr. Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands.

Where else better to deactivate and power down than on a relaxing vacation. And what better reason than the female orgasm, to plan one?

But it's not only the stress-free atmosphere of a vacation that can help set the mood - exposure to new and novel experiences can stimulate the release of dopamine in the brain, a neurotransmitter which plays a big role in sexual excitement. Use your vacation as a chance to try something new... out of the bedroom.

As you and your partner plan your trip, sit down separately and draw up lists of all the places you find exciting. Perhaps you'd like to road trip through the southwest. Or go on a Mediterranean cruise. Or head up to Vermont for a music festival. Fill your lists with places and activities you've never experienced before. Then compare your lists and see where there's overlap.

"These experiences that are novel play a role in arousal and remind you and your partner of what it felt like when you first met," says Levine.

After planning a getaway that will make the both of you happy, make sure there's lots of room in the schedule for intimacy. You may not want to work your way through the entire "Kama Sutra" but perhaps there's just one new position you've been longing to try. Or you can use the privacy of your hotel suite to try out a new toy, don a new piece of lingerie, or experiment with role playing.

Vacations provide safe spaces in which you can lower your inhibitions and try something new. And those new experiences -- whether in or out of the bedroom -- can increase arousal levels.

Of course, not all vacations are a walk in the park, and some of them do come with extra baggage - the kind you can't stow away in the overhead compartment. Kids, tight schedules and sometimes even other people who you may be vacationing with can make it difficult to let go completely. But between quick getaways, organized retreats, and kid-only activities, there's always a way to overcome these obstacles.

And even if you're home this week, with no immediate vacation plans on the horizon, that doesn't mean you need to give up on the benefits of vacation sex. With a few simple touches and a little bit of imagination, you can skip the travel and enjoy a sexy staycation right in your own bedroom.

The Pill and a Woman's Sexual Choice in Men

2012-04-05T14:15:49Z

A recent study shows that women with lower testosterone levels - typically caused by the use of hormone-based oral contraceptives like the pill - are more attracted to men who also have low testosterone levels.

Previous studies have shown that the less testosterone a man has, the less likely he is to cheat, the more supportive he is, and the better he is at providing for his family. Sounds good, right?

Not quite. Previous studies have also shown that most women are historically more sexually attracted to higher testosterone levels. And the mothers in the study who eventually went off birth control post-wedding reported less sexual contentment than other women; they found their husbands less attractive and less sexually exciting once they went off the pill.

Dr. Craig Roberts of Stirling University questioned more than 2,500 women from around the world for his research. Did their taste in men shift? Or did their birth control have a "love-potion" type of effect?

When a woman uses hormonal birth control containing estrogen, she decreases her levels of available testosterone. And while women have much less testosterone in their systems than men - women's bodies contain about 10% the amount of testosterone men do - what they do have helps fuel sexual desire, fantasy and the ability to become naturally lubricated in response to arousal.

So it makes sense that when a woman's testosterone levels are diminished even further by something like the pill, she might be left feeling blasé about sex: hence her potential attraction to a low-testosterone male.

So it may not be as much the issue of going off birth control as it going on it in the first place. Sexual health expert Dr. Madeleine Castellanos cautions women to think carefully about their choice of contraceptive: "Some of these side effects are so serious that I now urge young women to consider just using condoms and leaving the birth control pills behind."

In addition to libido-shifts, some women who go on hormonal birth control experience pain during intercourse due to irritation of the tissues surrounding the opening of the vagina. In many cases, this is because she is unable to become physically aroused. And those who don't deal with the issue may actually go on to develop vestibulodynia - a chronic and significant pain surrounding the opening of the vagina and the area of the perineum.

But for those who don't want to give up the pill, there are women who find that triphasic birth control pills (different amounts of hormones every week) have less of an impact on their sex drive than monophasic pills (same amount of hormones each dose). Of course, hormones affect every woman differently, and there's no guarantee that a triphasic pill will make much of a difference for you.

So it's important for a woman to do her due diligence and weigh the pros and cons of various birth control options before settling on one. And know that the changes to a woman's testosterone level (potentially diminished when she goes on, and then increased when she goes off) could alter her libido and create gaps with that of her partner's.

Dr. Roberts says women who met their partner while taking hormonal birth control should consider switching to another method several months in advance of tying the knot in order to assess whether their feelings for their partner will change or stay the same.

But before you or your partner do anything of the sort, just make sure you have alternative contraception in place - there's nothing like a sudden unintended pregnancy to put a damper on one's sex life.

And for those women who do choose to stay on the pill, the study offers a silver lining: the women on the pill were happier overall in their relationships and more likely to stay together than their non-pill-taking counterparts. The benefits of the non-sexual aspects of the relationship outweighed any sexual downsides.

So perhaps it's better to be evenly matched at the low-testosterone end of the spectrum (with a man who is more likely to be faithful) than potentially mismatched.