~Sh3e Y@n~

random

2011-04-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

Here I am.. to update my blog.. or should I say that I actually just wanted to find a place to release myself.. It seems that I have no one to talk to.. no one cares to talk to me.. no one cares either I'm dead or alive.. if that is so.. why am I still here at this place?

I have had enough of all the comments of others.. u r emo.. u r like this de la.. u r like that de la.. and the list goes on.. have you ever try to stand in my shoe? have you ever think from my point of view? have you ever care for it before giving out any comments? or you are just there and did nothing but pointing fingers?

I think I have some minor depression or things like that.. Again, I am reacting abnormal. And this is torturing.. sad..

A Question

2010-10-20T00:14:00.001+08:00

Someone asked me a question.

A question that start with "if"

A question that I would not want to answer

A question that makes my heart sorrow

I answered, "I have never thought of it"

I can't recall whether I have thought of it or not

But I know what will my answer be

Though, I do not wish to answer that question

Will it truly take place?

How will it be?

My mind is filled with all these questions.

When I was young,

I used to ask myself this type of question

"If ..."

And I always never wanted that to happen

Because I know,

I truly know

deep inside my heart

that I can't accept it

that I'm not ready for it

In another word,

I am running away from facing it

But that is part of our life

People come, people go

There are "hi"s and there are "bye"s

And I hated to say "bye"

I do not wish to lost anything

I hope I can grab it all

Those that I love, to be with me always

Lord, fill me

satisfy me

That I will be filled in Your presence

That I will be secured in Your presence

I need more, more of You

Come, O Lord.

Searching hard

2010-10-16T00:29:00.000+08:00

It is as if something is missing within me

And I am still wondering

What is that?

I am searching

Searching for something

Something that I truly needed

What is that?

I seem know.. but the other moment, I seem not knowing it

Argh.. stop those craps!

*searching for answer*

Have been having mild diarrhea for two days.. huhu.. What happened to my digestive system? *searching for answer*
This few days, I slept like usual. But my mind is unusual. It keeps operating even when I am "hibernating". I guess the CPU usage is up to 99%. It better stop operating that much. Else it gonna explode soon. STOP it! Any way that I can make it rest? huhu.. *searching for answer*

Finally, I end up searching hard.. lol~

Random thoughts @ 13th Oct 2010

2010-10-13T21:32:00.001+08:00

The year 2010 will soon be over in less than two months time

This is the year that I have least expectations

but much has happened and took place

I looked back,

I see myself running and running

Hardly stopped to catch my breathe

I slowed down at times

but I pushed myself harder each time

trying to strive though it

trying to overcome it

trying to finsh the race

But now,

here I choose to stop

how long will it be?

who knows?

Or I should say,

I am trying to get back on the right track

crawling back to the track that belongs to me

I have lost my way

...

On one hand, I care

On the other hand, I hated to care

but I still care

what are those craps??

can't I just learn to let go?

Anyhow,

I am hoping for a fresh start..

God.. lead me!

F.A.K.E.

2010-09-04T11:34:00.000+08:00

In this world, it is not easy to find true friend.

Some seems to be good

but you never know what will they do to you at your back.

I hated those fake people~

Crossroad

2010-08-04T07:11:00.000+08:00

Recently I seem to back to this crossroad

Do not know which way to go

Should I continue on with the straight path

or should I start a new journey on another path

Which is the path designed for me?

I have been observing

I have been wondering

I have been asking

But no respond

If I happen to choose another path

I have to face new things

People may just not understand

People may just condemn me for that decision

But who cares?

Lord, I truly needed your guidance

Show me your way

Both ways are just not easy

My family needed me

My mom yearns for me to go back

Is there anything left for me here?

It seems to be the time

But will it happen that way?

I am just so confused.. on which path to choose..

Waiting..

zipped

2010-07-21T15:15:00.000+08:00

It is enough..

Just zipped it off..

Zipped and locked..

Till someone able to come and open it..

---

arghh~

2010-07-19T09:05:00.002+08:00

I am so pissed off with those people that just so demanding.

They expected you to do everything and prepare everything

as if the things just belong to me

as if I am the only one using it.

Excuse me,

can't they just lend their hands to help out?

*Pissed off*

Reflecting...

2010-06-26T00:23:00.000+08:00

In the middle of the night,

I am sitting alone in the room,

looking straight to my laptop screen,

reflecting what had took place through year 2010

In fact, I did not usher into year 2010 with a high spirit

I lost hope, I have no direction

I have no idea what will be waiting for me

I even do not want to think about it.

Half the year will end soon

Just in this short six months,

I have gone through much

One of the thing that I hate to go through is saying goodbye

It is not easy to say goodbye

In just this few months time,

some came in to live together in this ministry house

another went out to their destiny

In ministry,

It is just indescribable with words

It is just hard to express what I truly feel about all that took place

Am I glad?

Am I sad?

Am I rejoicing?

Am I disappointed?

I have just no idea

Towards a moment,

I do not know what I am truly feeling

Am I been hiding my feelings all this while?

Or is it too much until I do not know how to respond?

Recently I browse back those pictures that were taken ages ago

It reflects back those sweet and sour memories

How each of us have been changing all this while

Some continue on with the race

Some left

Some came back

Some bounce back

But some just could not catch up

Recently as I go back hometown

I will surely spend time with my nephew and niece

and of course my other family members as well

It feels so hard each time I was to leave the house

As if I needed to wake up from a sweet dream

As if it is time for me to face the reality

The Bible mentioned that this is not an easy path

It is narrow

Not many will choose to walk in this path

Lord, strengthen me

The more I knew You,

the weaker I feel

and only then Your strength will be revealed much more in me

Show me Your way

Show me Your will

Let me walk in the will of You

Let me bring joy to You

I love the ending of a song named "爱是不保留"

The ending is

“我以决定今生再没所求，惟望得主称赞已足够“

Nothing is much more meaningful than a single praise from God~

...

2010-04-06T00:02:00.000+08:00

I really hate it

When you have to take all the blames

And no one is able to help you

And giving up is just a no-no

So what can I do?

Suffer..

Depress..

LOST!

as time goes by

2010-04-02T14:51:00.000+08:00

As time goes by,

we are growing older in our age,

as well we are growing more mature in our mind.

And some of the things,

we will just let it go.

As time goes by,

we are changed,

into another person.

Is it good or bad,

who is to judge?

Some will agree, others disagree.

But who cares,

All that has happened,

made me who I am today.

As time goes by,

much more decisions have been made.

Some we consider as good choices,

others we may regret.

But the truth is,

there is no use being regretful.

What is past, is history.

Tomorrow is a brand new day,

new decisions are to be made.

As time goes by,

it makes you realize that

you will never be able to catch back

the time that has gone.

Every single second,

we are moving forward,

what you wanted to do,

what you wanted to say,

do and say it right now,

or it may be too late.

For time never wait for us.

Treasure every single moment that you have,

be careful of the things that you do,

be sensitive to the words that you utter out,

the little things may bring a great impact,

a single word can break a heart,

a single action can break a soul.

Do not follow just simply follow the emotion,

but think before you act and speak.

Treasure everyone that is right there beside you,

for you will never know when is the last moment,

or when is the next meeting.

Appreciate them as how you appreciate yourself,

love them as how you have loved yourself,

treat them as how you have treated yourself.

To build a relationship requires a long period,

but a second is enough to break it into two.

Anyhow, never regret but continue to look forward.

BomB

2010-03-29T14:34:00.001+08:00

A: If you are always being bombed, eventually your bulletproof shirt will be better. And you won't be scared of any bombing anymore.

B: But still the bomb will be able to bomb you to death.

And the laughter fills the air... =_=!!

Mighty to save by Hillsong

2010-03-29T13:12:00.000+08:00

Love the lyrics of this song.. Everyone needed the forgiveness of our Savior.

Mighty To Save

Everyone needs compassion,
Love thats never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Well everyone needs forgiveness,
Kindness of a savior
The Hope of the nation

(Chorus)
Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender (and i surrender)

(Chorusx2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

(Chorusx2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing, for the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

Center of my life

2010-03-27T10:36:00.000+08:00

Center of My Life

Let my walk speak loud
And my words be true
Let my life be whole
With my eyes on you
Lord I'm stepping out
From the comfort zone
Letting go of me,
Holding onto You

Freedom comes
When I call You Lord
You are Lord my God

You are the center of it all,
The universe declares in awe
Your majesty
I surrender all
I make you
The center of my life
Lord, I respond with all I am
you placed in me the song
Of heavens melody
Your Majesty
I live to sing Your song

I have found Your peace
It replaces any fear
You have done it all
I can trust in you
So I'm stepping out
From the comfort zone
Letting go of me
Holding onto you

This is your song not mine
It is your song that bring healing to this land
This is your song not mine
It is your song that brings freedom
Freedom comes, when I call you Lord
Freedom comes, when I call you Lord
You are Lord, my God
You are the song
You are the majesty
I live to sing your song
Your majesty
I live to sing Your song

First Quarter 2010

2010-03-26T16:12:00.000+08:00

I believe at the beginning of the year 2010, everyone started it with new year resolutions. This year, I did not make any, for I have no idea of what to aim for.

Below is the brief of my first quarter of year 2010

January 2010

Trying to start afresh. Hoping for the best. Was in a new environment. Hoping things will turn out to be good. Trying to look positively in each things. However, January ended in a low mood.

February 2010

CNY. Went back to hometown. Meet family, relatives and friends. Went for BC. Got to know something that made me disappointed. Ended that way.

March 2010

Trying to resolve things. Ended a job and ventured into another new thing. Trying to do much, but less is done. No one understand. No one cares. No one bother. And March gonna end soon.

April is coming. Soon May, June and then will come to Dec 2010. Year 2010 should not just be another year. It should be a memorable year. Yet, things still going another way.

What's next?

I'm totally LOST!

pop

2010-01-21T19:17:00.000+08:00

I feel like exploding..

Those feeling from inside gonna burst out..

And I wonder how many will suffer for it..

Arghh~

Feel like shouting out loud..

I am gonna explode from within...

Lost of excitement

2010-01-16T23:23:00.000+08:00

Where has it gone?

The excitement that she used to have?

She does not find it funny anymore

There is no smile

There is no sound of laughing

But a deep and long silentness

There is just much in her mind

Which she is not able to speak out

and not able to truly write it out

All is flashing through her mind all the time

A restless mind she has

It is such a torture

Surrounding sounds are disturbing to her

She only long to have a silent night

A quiet morning

Where everyone else is sleeping

Where the world seems so peaceful

Which bring peace to her mind

That is what she longs for

That is what she needed most

Out of the "busi-ness" of the world

Out of those harsh reality of the world

Just getting out of it all

She is getting lost

Does not know how to get back to her feet

Does not know how to start it all over again

Does not know which path to go

Totally lost~

Time of Emergency

2009-12-29T07:48:00.000+08:00

What would be your respond in time of emergency?

Who would you asked for help?

One fine morning, I read an article that sounds like this:

__________________________________________________

My husband, Steve, graduated from dental school in 1981. For the first two years, I was his only employee: his dental hygienist, dental assistant, receptionist, and insurance clerk. On the days that I was not helping him, I worked for another dentist in town. I was so exhausted most of the time that our joke became, "Sharon works six days a week and cries on the seventh."

One thing that amazed me, in starting a new practice, was all the emergency phone calls that Steve received on nights and weekends. I usually answered the phone and asked the caller several questions, one of which was, "Mrs. Jones, how long have you been having this problem?" Invariably the patient would say, "three days," "two weeks," "a month." I always thought, "So why did you wait until Saturday to call?" Of course, being the sweet person that I am, I never said that.

One night the phone rang at about 2:00 a.m. I groggily picked up the phone and managed a weak, "Hello."

"Hello," the woman on the other end stated. "My son is having a terrible toothache. Is the doctor in?"

Where did she think he would be, other than "in" at 2:00 in the morning? "Yes ma'am, he is. How long has this tooth been bothering your son?"

"Oh, I'd say for about two weeks," she answered.

So why did you wait until now to call (thought, not said, of course). I spoke with this mother for a few more minutes. Something about this call signaled a red flag in my mind. Then I asked, "Ma'am, how old is your son?"

"Twenty-seven," She answered. "My son is twenty-seven-years- old."

I was so shocked that I quickly sat up in the bed, accidentally jerking the phone cord out of the wall, and disconnecting the caller. She did not call back. I had envisioned a distraught mother with a crying five year old. But twenty-seven? Oh my.

I laid back down complaining and grumbling. "Lord, why is it that people won't go to the doctor regularly but only want help on demand when they have an emergency?"

When I got quiet enough to listen, I heard God's still small voice whisper to my heart - "Now you know how I feel."

__________________________________________________

I am truly inspired by this real life story (taken from Girlfriends in God).

And this is what has happened to us most of the time.

In each area of our life, let us come and commit to Him.

Ask for His help, ask for His leading, ask for His guidance.

He is just always there waiting for us.

Let us not keep Him waiting anymore, for He is just so eager to give us His helping hands.

Call to Him now...

Blessed day to you~

Disturbed

2009-12-28T12:27:00.000+08:00

I was having a short nap (after not having good rest for few days)

when someone came in

and made me awoke

and the person asked

can I "bla bla bla"

"bla bla bla" = something not important nor urgent

I was like "WHAT?"

You disturbed my sleep just to ask me to do something which is not important

and I hated most when someone disturb me while I am sleeping

or when I am not able to have a good rest.

Though, my respond was to wake up without saying anything

and did what she has asked me

and ended up in a bad mood with slight headache (due to being awaken while sleeping soundly)

Sigh...

There gone my mood of the day...

One morning...

2009-12-18T11:02:00.000+08:00

Today is public holiday.

That means I am off today.

Though, it does not mean that I got nothing to do.

There are tasks awaiting for me to finish it.

I woke up as usual, six in the morning.

I enjoyed the morning breeze and the quietness.

This morning is a bit different.

I went out of my room,

and I saw that the study room's door is closed.

I suspected that someone is inside, but having no clue at all.

I knocked on the door,

opened it,

and I saw someone was sleeping inside.

The person responded to the knocking and I quickly get my things and went out.

I ended up sitting in the kitchen doing my things.

I heard sounds when I was in the kitchen.

Someone has woke up.

Then comes the sound of people taking bath,

door being opened,

the car's engine sound.

A sister has went back to her hometown.

I continued with my work,

with raining sound accompanying me.

It is a wonderful early morning.

I did not regret waking up that early on holiday.

All this while, I am the kind that need much of my personal time.

I prefer quietness and silent most of the time.

However, when it is time to party, to play around,

then I will enjoy the craziness, the noise, the fellowship.

Ever since I started to work in kindergarten,

things started to change.

I bet you can imagine, how noisy it will be of those small little children.

Some will be crying for mommy,

some will be asking you for this and that,

some will be crying after fighting with one another,

some will be shouting and yelling out of nothing,

and the list goes on.

After having a "sound-polluted-morning",

I would prefer to have a quiet afternoon and night.

And that is the reason I am waking up early on public holiday~

Random

2009-12-14T14:02:00.000+08:00

It has been quite some time since I have updated my blog.

One of the reason is busy.

Another is because I do not know what to write.

Not that my life is not happening,

but it does not seem appropriate to write it here.

This month I started a new job, working half day.

The first week was tough.

At the end of the first week,

all my muscles were in pain.

At the same time,

it is both a sweet and sour experience.

As for the second week,

work seems a bit better.

However, my body knows it well.

My body finally tells me that I truly needed some rest.

It is not all because of this new job.

I have other things to do during the other half day.

And recently, the workload seems to get heavier.

On top of that, I am emotionally breakdown.

I have been having many thinking.

Both the negative and positive thinking are fighting against each other.

I am truly tired mentally and physically.

I realized one thing as well.

People not able and hardly understand me.

Some still think that I am the previous me,

where I am actually moved on to another level.

Some misunderstood me.

Some just see me another way.

Why is it so?

Someone told me because I am a deep thinker.

Some may say because I hardly share my thoughts.

And so on and so forth.

In my view,

if someone does not take his/her time to try to listen to me and understand me,

then I will give up on explaining to them.

There's no point to share,

when the other party is not willing to listen with their heart.

And it is not really hard to make me share my thoughts,

if you show that you do really care.

However, I see that my "love tank" is in low level.

How long will I be able to sustain?

Will I end up saying I just want to give up?

What's next?

p/s: Just a random post of my random thoughts.

Back to hometown

2009-11-11T07:28:00.001+08:00

In less than 2 hours time, I will be sitting on the bus, heading back to Ipoh, my hometown.

I should be happy and excited to go back, but somehow I left with a heavy heart.

Not because I do not feel like leaving, but because I know much more is awaiting for me.

And it seems that much thing is uncertain.

I am truly pressured.

Am I ready to face it all after this short holiday?

Hopefully I am.

Just forget about it.

Do not want to think anymore.

Focus on spending time with family.

bye~

written for my daddy and mommy

2009-09-28T21:24:00.003+08:00

I read an article from a newspaper,
entitled “和爸爸牵手”

While I read through this article
my memory started to flash back
I seemed to see myself in the story

Years ago, while I was still a little girl
I used to hold my dad's little finger
Wherever I go, as long as my dad is there,
I will surely hold his little finger

And now, I no longer do the same
As time flies, things changed as well
Through the years
my dad has been trying his best to earn money
for he is the sole breadwinner of the family

He sacrifices himself
by staying far away from us
not able to see us so often
not able to go through life together
just to make sure we have shelter, food and education

I still remember very clearly
there's one night
my dad was to travel back to Singapore
and I see my mom crying
I wondered why
but now I understood

Not only my dad has to sacrifice
my mom did the same
not having a husband by her side
no one to share with when she feels down
how hard it will be
to take care of the family
to be the father and mother at the same time

Dearest dad and mom,
I will never forget what both of you have done for us
how you gave your best for us
and the best ever gift is to bring us to Jesus
and our lives will not be the same anymore

Daddy and mommy,
Wish both of you joyful always
Wish both of you a blessed life
an abundant life
Love you daddy and mommy.

The story of Love and Friend

2009-09-07T09:58:00.002+08:00

One day, Love and Friend went out together for a walk.
Suddenly, Love fell into a deep river.
Why?
Because Love is blind.

Then Friend quickly jumped to save Love.
Why?
Because good Friend will always be there for us;
whenever, wherever and whatever we need.

Friend could not find Love.
Why?
Because Love is too gentle, easy to lost when we did not take care of it.

Finally Friend gave up and left Love there.
Why?
Because Friend will leave and ignore us if we do not know how to appreciate them.

____________________________________________________________

I received this story through phone message. I love the story but not the ending.
What is your opinion?

Faith

2009-09-03T01:55:00.002+08:00

What is faith?
Faith is to believe in what is unseen.

It is not easy to have faith, especially when human being nowadays are more towards logical thinking. And we usually will ask for proof.

Through a weekly prayer meeting,
God again speak to me regarding my faith.

It has been months that I am struggling with one thing.
And till now, it seems to have no progress at all.
It has been challenging to continue to trust that it will turn out to be good.
I have even enter the situation where the feeling of anxiety and worry is just norm.
I do not really feel that I am actually worrying.
But, I am indeed worrying.

That is a dangerous thing for me.
As a Chinese saying, "knowing your wrong then you can change."
If I do not conscious of it, then I will not see it as a problem.
The fact is that God does not want us to be worry.

Few months ago, God said to me that He will provide all my needs.
Again, it is ALL my needs.
Not just one or two, but is ALL.
Recently, I have just forgotten of this promise from Him.
God reminded me again.

During the prayer meeting, God strengthen my faith.
I seems to have the victory, and
I just sensed that the promise is already in my hand.
I am not seeing myself at this moment,
but seeing myself in the future,
with the eyes of faith.
I saw that I am not bounded by those worries that I used to have and am having,
but I have the victory and joy with me.
Praise God.
It is another reminder,
that God is good~

Phil 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything,
by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.

~Sh3e Y@n~

random

A Question

Searching hard

Random thoughts @ 13th Oct 2010

F.A.K.E.

Crossroad

zipped

arghh~

Reflecting...

...

as time goes by

BomB

Mighty to save by Hillsong

Center of my life

First Quarter 2010

*pop*

Lost of excitement

Time of Emergency

Disturbed

One morning...

Random

Back to hometown

written for my daddy and mommy

The story of Love and Friend

Faith

pop