It is so good to be here at my new home in Spring, Texas. Spring is about 35 miles north of Houston and right next to an area called The Woodlands. Today, I sat outside by the pool. I wrote for close to three hours…well actually I wrote a bit, dozed a bit, wrote a bit more…  I chronicled the events over the past 2 days and intended to simply copy it into the blog this evening. But I couldn’t get online and now it is very late. So instead of the very long, 3-page narrative, this will be a very short, very sweet version of the end.

There was no epiphany on the flight here. There was an interesting realization though. Very small planes go very fast. Not sure what this particular type of plane is that carried us from Detroit to Houston. It was narrow with only two seats on either side of the aisle. The flight attendants stuck a pink tag on my carry-on and hauled it away because it was too large. Too large? It’s the same carry on I’ve used on all five flights to Houston. The overhead compartments were tiny, I’m talking backpack size.

And they didn’t serve any snack lunches. The one time I didn’t bring food on board, this flight offers peanuts (I thought they banned serving peanuts due to allergies) and pretzels. I spent 3 dollars for can of Pringles only to read wheat starch as an ingredient. Darn. So I read. The day before, I ordered and downloaded on Kindle, The Life You Were Born to Live by Dan Millman.

On Tuesday, Day 30, I was led to a letter I wrote back in 1999, which referred to an old book I read in 1995. Then later I was urged to clean out  a drawer filled with receipts and miscellaneous papers and came across a 2008 article. Each item seemed to build on the other. It was like one big crescendo. So with stomach gnawing, I revisited the old book now on my Kindle. And one-hour 40 minutes later the pilot came on announcing our approach. What?

We landed a full 45-minutes early. I called Sterling and he  hadn’t even left the house yet. So hence, very small planes go very fast.

The letter I came across was a copy I had written of a numerology analysis I had done. My sister-in-law Gina had asked that I do the numbers on her then husband. Turns out he is an 8 like I am. While reading what I had written, it was like reading a letter that I had long ago written to myself. It was eerie. Also interesting is the way I happened to find this letter. The folder was sitting on my bed. I don’t recall why it was on the bed or when I laid it there. I felt an urge to clean it out. Get rid of old correspondence. And that’s how I found this long typewritten letter. Why did I keep this for over 10 years? And why did I come across it only days afterbeing drawn to I See Your Dream Job, another numerology book. (Day 27).

Here’s the sentence that gave me pause: When 35/8’s recognize their higher purpose it will open the way for them to clear unconscious fears and associated tendencies to sabotage themselves. Self-sabotage ends when they establish a heartfelt commitment to service…(and then I had written) that sure helps me to understand this call to service I have been having and the related issues around it.

I remember feeling that and getting that awareness.  And then life happened. I took in another sister-in-law who was fighting breast cancer. In May 2000 we moved to Palo Alto, Ca while Sterling attended Stanford. Then moved again, 2001, to Michigan, when I decided to home-school Taylor. I had put my professional work aside for several years. It wouldn’t be until 2004 when I dusted facilitation back off and began seeing clients again.

No wonder I felt the need for realigning. I saw how it fit 10 years ago, but didn’t act on it. And now, in this personal year of completion, it is time to put my attention and focus back on service. This letter to Gina was like me writing a letter to “myself” 10 years ago from a book I read a book 15 years ago, and they both have reappeared as guidance in answer to very deep and essential questions. It’s not so much about numerology. It’s about the messages that speak to me and resonate within. It is the awesome way the answers arrived. It is Wonderment. It’s the sensations I felt, a Knowing , a certainty. It was the first glimpse of this in 30 days.

I felt awareness shift. But there were still some resistance I couldn’t put my finger on. I continued to go through the folder, but there wasn’t anything else of interest. About an hour later, I felt a strong urge to go through a drawer filled with old receipts and clean it out. That’s when I came across an old article I had tucked away. It was an interview with Marc Allen, founder of New World Library the publishing firm for the Eckart Tolle books. LaRue and I saw him speak back in 2007 and we gave him a rousing standing ovation.

He spoke about how he built his company by being ‘lazy’. Of course not lazy, but unconventionally. Anyway, we weren’t the only ones applauding loudly, the entire room of over 600 were wildly cheering and hooting. So it’s no wonder I kept an article about him.

Since this post is getting rather long, here’s a brief quote: My whole concept of time has changed. I have plenty of time. I have lots of time. I have lots of free time and spare time. And whole days where I do nothing at all. Whole weeks where i have very little on my calendar.  I’m only going to work when I feel like it, and I’m going to be persistent, focus on a goal. I’ve never worked more than 20 to 30 hours a week in my company. And I’ve built a very successful, multi-million dollar company.

And there it was. The satirical plea I put to God… no Mondays, abundant leisure time, successful business not working too hard. (Day 29) But more importantly, Marc did all of this keeping his focus on the goal.  That was the key piece.  A simple paradigm shift around time.

The End and The Beginning

I no longer feel the discouragement whispered to me a month ago. I have taken on the experiment of re-aligning in 31 days and the Whisper cut it close, but it came through. There is still work to do. Things to let go of. Energetic ties to dissolve, and a business to redesign. There is a deeper understanding of how the tension of discouragement, fear, doubt, and self-sabotage provide the hidden resource of energy that, once it cracks open, floods in with Inspiration and Knowing, like a broken dam. There is great power in the resistance. The tension of it holds the core desire. It is the power of a dream.

Thank you for traveling with me.

With a heart filled with love, Bye for now.

I travel to Houston tomorrow (Wednesday) for a nice long holiday. It is fitting that I am traveling on the 31st day of this realignment journey. Maybe I will get an epiphany at 30,000 feet.

Health-wise, I’ve eaten better this month than I have any three months together. Lots and lots of fresh greens, my, what a difference that has made. Sleep is blissful. Instead of waking up 2 or 3 times during the night because my limbs would tingle or ache, I sleep soundly until it is time to get up. Dreams are vivid and often memorable. I’ve taken mega doses of vitamin D for several weeks and the fog has lifted, and my energy has stayed level throughout the day. No drowsy, got-to-take-a-nap late afternoons. In a week or so, I will have the blood tests retaken to gauge improvement.

What I have learned from Dr. Ritamarie has been amazing. I so appreciate that she has made available such wealth of information about our biochemistry. I will know how to read a blood results lab test better than many doctors. (I wrote about her and her class in a previous post). Of all the changes I’ve made, consuming as much live, green food as possible each day has made a remarkable difference in the way I feel.  I literally salivate at the thought of a V-9, my Vanessa version of the popular canned tomato drink.

As for the alignment in my work, I’ve gained incredible insight. The Whisper had a wonderful synchronicity for me today. I’ll write more about that in the final post.

I may not write Wednesday night as that will be the first day back home in Houston. Day 31 may be written on Thursday, April Fools.

Until then, if you’ve been following along, please know I am grateful for the company and all the comments I’ve received. A blog can give only the highlights. So, so much more has occurred than I have been able to journal. If you are able, then do give yourself the gift of spending time with your soul. Are you on course? When health issues pop up, it may be your soul, your guidance nudging you to stop and check in. There’s no right way to do this. There’s no expert in this. You are your wisdom, and your life shows you what is calling your attention.

I love endings. Right beside is a beginning.

Bye for now.

To notice the mind, to really watch how thought triggers a whole world of unquestioned beliefs. Then to watch the feelings and emotions arise. Or do they happen simultaneously? Thought, feeling, reaction, in split seconds, oops missed it, go back, what was that thought-that belief?

During the past 30 days I’ve built up a whole personality. I’ve given it foundation. I’ve given it legs, it’s walking, even sprinting. The personality sees the finish line. Oh goodie, “I am” fearful of commitment, a number 8, advisor, creator, 4483 Kolbe Index, INTP Myers Briggs. I have values of imagination and leadership. NOW I know who I am! Yippee, I can do my life now.

My archetype is muse. Yes, that fits. And oh, I love to advise, counsel, explain. I make quick decisions, take risks, visualize, imagine, mediate. I know who I am and all my strengths and talents. I’ve got me pretty well figured out.

I have a firm grasp on the Law of Attraction. I experience the joy of recognizing, trusting, and following inner guidance. I am all set! I am an experienced, master practitioner of kinesiology, a Reiki Master. I can read the Tarot. I understand crystals, numerology, the vibration of colors. I’ve read extensively about alternative health practices. I’ve practiced vegetarianism, macrobiotics, raw food, and the good ol’ American diet.

I can find your sabotaging words.

Did I mention I co-authored a book all about trusting inner guidance? It’s good too!

Wow, I am amazing.

Except of course, when I become irritated or frustrated at my kid. (I don’t do it THAT often...)

Or my husband. (Yeah, well, he deserves it…)

Or whenever I believe I need to know my purpose. That one grabs me by the throat, makes it hard to speak. Some of the most fearful thoughts I’ve ever had are I will die without knowing my purpose. I will have lived my life not doing what I came here to do. My life will have been wasted.

And in that moment, all the amazing “me” vanishes, disappears, fades in the face of such fear and anxiety. And I am still sitting in the chair.

And so, even though the identity of me is firmly in place and quite lovable, personalities always want something more. The personality holds the identity, the world I see, in place. And with all the labels come all the fear. I woke up this morning (and this is why this post is getting written at 8:30am instead of the usual midnight) and knew that as long as I left out inquiry, that is, taking an internal look at the concepts that still cause fear, or internal violence, or are simply annoying and subtle, then re-alignment simply couldn’t occur. Alignment with spirit is fearless. It is love, there is no fear in it. There is Knowing, there is certainty in it.

But it doesn’t occur (in my experience anyway) until the tough concepts- the ones that live underground, the ones that give us all the meaning that holds the identity up – are really looked at and given attention. These past 30 days have churned up a lot of stuff. And so today and for tomorrow and who knows how long, I go back to the beginning.  To when the Whisper told me “you are discouraged”, and I peel back the curtain, take a look at the little man controlling the buttons making me believe he’s a wizard.

Here are some of the concepts the wizard tries to get me to believe:

I have to fit in the ‘business world’

I don’t have the right personality for business

I wouldn’t have time to be leisurely, just hang out.

I’d have to use time wisely (prudently)

I’d have to use skills I don’t have

I’d have to know exactly what to do.

I won’t be able to just quit

I’ll discover it wasn’t my purpose after all (ouch!)

I’ll discover I fooled myself all along

No one really needs what I offer.

There are a full two pages of these. I don’t fool myself any longer thinking “Oh I really don’t believe these.” If there is any kind of discomfort, any subtle pain, it deserves a look.

Then there are the ones about others. They go like this:

Taylor should be spending time thinking about her future (my favorite)

Taylor should keep her room clean!

Taylor doesn’t act like an 18-year old (another favorite)

Sterling should understand my feelings

Sterling should help me figure this all out

Here’s what I know so far. My purpose is joy. My business is freedom. My job is to question my beliefs. My health lives this out.

Bye for now.

Well it would be spinning. Today I met with two women, one is Nancy, my Thursday buddy, and the other is Lesley, who just finished Level 3 Evo-K training with me. My head is spinning because in our meeting Lesley “whacked” me on one side of my head, and Nancy “whacked” me on the other. Not whacked physically, but with truth. Lesley told me that I already know the truth, I already know what I want. Nancy followed up with …”and you need to cut the energetic ties to anything no longer on your path.”

Never do a realignment alone. Make sure you have at least one good friend on the journey with you, but do wear a helmet. Those whacks on the head sting.

Tonight, Nancy gave me a session. I love getting sessions. It’s like getting your hair done. You sit and the other person (and your soul) does all the work. A lot of the information came from The Tao of Pooh. Figures my soul would lead us to the wisdom of Winnie The Pooh. We were led to a place in the book that told a story of Rabbit and Tigger. I don’t have the exact words, but the story is that Rabbit didn’t like Tigger, because he is different and too bouncy. So he concocted a clever plan to lead Tigger to the hill in the forest so that Tigger would get lost and become small and disappear. But Tiggers don’t get lost as Tigger would proudly claim. And as it turns out, Rabbit and Piglet and Pooh all got lost coming back down the hill. Ahhh clever plans are not very clever at all. Clever plans don’t understand uniqueness and therefore do not work for long.

The lesson as described in the book, page 37:

Cleverness, after all, has its limitations. Its mechanical judgments and clever remarks tend to prove inaccurate with passing time, because it doesn’t look very deeply into things to begin with. As in Rabbit’s case, it has to change its opinions later on because of what it didn’t see when it was forming them. The thing that makes someone truly different – unique, in fact – is something that Cleverness cannot really understand.

I’ll be sitting with that one. Another part of the session took us to Your Essential Whisper and the chapter on manifesting trust. Trust isn’t THAT hard when the messages of guidance point you to something you’ve been wanting, but how about when it points to what you are wanting, but you have some conditions on what you want, and so you doubt that guidance. Here’s what I mean:

Dear Inner Guidance,

I’d like you to help me know my work, to know with certainty what I am here to do and who I am here to serve. I love, love, love, helping others see how they can connect to their guidance. I love giving teleseminars and courses about this and other healing and wellness modalities. I am really good at guiding others to prosperity. People feel inspired around me, ask me for advice, and seek my counsel. In sessions, clients experience peace, understand underlying beliefs, and feel renewed and reinvigorated. I would like to do more of this. I’d like to build an organization that helps thousands of women access inner empowerment.  I know you can guide me to the perfect situations and partnerships. And I acknowledge that you led me to a source of information that validates this as an innate and intrinsic desire.

Of course, you know I don’t particularly like to do marketing, it seems just a bit too clever for me. And do you think you could arrange it so I can sleep in on Mondays? Weekends are definitely off-limits. And I hate accounting, book keeping and those kinds of things. And I really don’t want any obligations that would have me give up my free time. I really like my free time, to come and go as I please, and I just think that a business will really eat that time up and I’m just not sure I am capable of staying committed to this, but I really want to do this work, but the more I think about it the more I am not sure anymore, perhaps I can just see a client or two a week, that would give me a few dollars and I really don’t need to make much money anyway. Can you arrange it so that I can have a thriving business but won’t have to work too hard? You know, now that I think about it, I’m not even sure I like business, actually I don’t like it very much at all, are you sure I am a number 8?  I don’t have a birth certificate, maybe the dates are wrong, you know  nevermind, I’ll just retire with Sterling and sit by the pool, but thanks anyway for all the signals, synchronicities, information, sensations, dreams, symbols, urges, inspiration, snapshots, Starbucks barista, and animals you sent to me telling me I was on the right track.

Love, Your servant, Vanessa

Bye for now.

p.s. Only two more days, I can hardly wait to see what the ending will be, if you want to be sure you don’t miss it, then get the posting sent to you at your email…go there to the right to get email updates. — I really don’t know the ending either!

I am writing this Monday morning (29th). So many bits and pieces of insight happened over the weekend that there is no way to blog them all. Around 1am this morning I realized I hadn’t written, and was so sleepy there was no way I could put two words together.

How do I capture it all? I’ll write about the one stand-out and very unconventional piece of information. I am noticing re-alignment does not happen in a nicely laid out plan, nor in necessarily conventional ways. There’s no set of rules or guidelines that can be read or followed. This realignment thing seems to have its own life. I am a master at following guidance, but I have to admit guidance is taking me for a ride. Perhaps it knows I wouldn’t listen any other way.

So, Taylor and I are at a large shopping mall called Great Lakes. It’s one of those mega discount malls that has a large movie theater and is quite noisy. We went to see Alice In Wonderland. Taylor had seen it with a friend, but I wanted to see it, and so without too much arm twisting (actually none at all) Taylor agreed to see it with me. We had mistakenly ordered tickets for the midnight show thinking they were for the noon viewing. There we were with tickets, now for the 2:35 viewing, and time to kill. I delight in many things, and one of them is not large, noisy shopping centers. Taylor is not crazy about them either, so we left to go to Borders…ahhhh books, quiet, the aroma of coffee.

I pretty much followed her around as I couldn’t think of a single book I wanted. She picked up The Secret Life of Bees. She loves this book but had been borrowing it from the school library and was now considering buying it. As we were on the way to the check-out counter I looked left. On one of the end-shelves there was a book that seemed to glimmer. It has a bright white cover and stood out from the others. In simple words it read, “I See Your Dream Job”. I actually spoke aloud, “You do?”.

I felt magnetized, pulled to the book. The subtitle is A Career Intuitive Shows You How to Discover What You Were Put on Earth to Do. Ha! Just the question I’ve been asking for 27 days…what on earth am I here to do?!

The author, Sue Frederick, is an intuitive numerologist. My “destiny or path number” is 8. I knew this, I had read numerology books before, years ago, and had calculated my life number. You do this by adding up all the numbers of your birth date.  Naturally I skipped the introduction and went straight to what she had to say about 8. The first sentence reads

“Financial success, big business, entrepreneurship, or professional athlete are all on your destined path.”

My jaw dropped open.

“Think big, launch your own company…”

However, for me, 2010 means I am in Personal Year 9.  Nine means completion. “Your career will conclude the focus that it’s had for the past nine years, even though you won’t see the new cycle just yet, open your hands and let go, with faith that something new and better will arrive your 1 year…” It continues, ” Stepping up to the next level of your great work is required several times during a lifetime-especially every nine years.”

Whoa! No wonder I felt so compelled to re-align. And no wonder I feel so compelled to work with others in their 50’s…she writes, The turning point at fifty-eight (and in the 9 year cycle 54) can be the most challenging… When health issues happen in our fifties (hello!!), it’s just the soul nudging us to remember who we are.”

As I sat there, time collapsed. Everything around me faded, even Taylor. Inner guidance was speaking to me through these words, touching on answers I’ve been asking all month.One question I asked over and over and over, and have for years, “Why am I so captivated with business…why does my attention continue to go to a business design, a vision I had 5 years ago, especially when I don’t feel (believe) I am savvy enough to run one.” Is that true? Has the fear to commit to doing this kept me from honoring an intrinsic part of me?”

As I asked these questions I received a Snapshot. It was of me as a little girl, maybe 10 or 11. I would always make sure that whenever I left the house I had a quarter with me. I never spent it. But I knew, with that quarter, no matter what happened to me, I would be okay. I could make a phone call. If I was hungry I could get a candy and fruit. If I needed a ride, I could give it to the driver (back then 40+ years ago 25cents could get you close to a gallon of gas!). The quarter gave me a sense of security.

My mother told me, 30 years ago, that when people gave me money, I would immediately say thank you and run to my piggy bank. I’d deposit half of what was given and keep half to spend. My mother was amazed at this, because  she couldn’t imagine how I, at the age of 3 or 4, knew to do that.

These snapshots are, once again, guidance giving me clues and connections.The deep desire I’ve had for a couple of years now to work with women in midlife to gain prosperity doing work they love, that aligns intrinsically. Seems I am doing the work first.

They’re falling in. Images. Memories. Flooding in. I don’t feel realigned yet. But I sure am realigning.

Bye for now.

Oh, p.s. yesterday I spent several hours at Starbucks, sort of made it my office. Before leaving I ordered a white hot chocolate to bring home to Taylor. The barista asked me what I did. My first thought was, well whisper what’s your answer? Then I heard me say “I help people  create work they love”. His response was. “Oh, you bring ideas to life!”  Yes, omg, yes… I felt all giddy inside. He asked how I do this. Again, I waited…so whisper how do we do this? … “People always know what they love, but can’t always hear it, so I help them hear inside what they love, and one way I do this is with kinesiology.”  Well get this… the barista says, “Oh so you find what is hidden in the body?”  I responded, “Do you know kinesiology?” Turns out he was studying kinesiology (sports) and just changed his major to …are you ready? Business! And…(I am laughing right now)…is trying to figure out how he can mesh kinesiology with business…I lie to you NOT!!! Of course I gave him my website and asked him to contact me.  Now that’s guidance in action is it not?

As I was falling asleep I wondered about the turmoil and upset I experienced. I heard “You asked for it.” The words sounded and felt so loving, they were a neutral response to the wondering. I asked for it? “Yes”, the internal voice whispered, “You asked to be aligned, to know with certainty what you wanted. Do you know now?”

I don’t recall now all of the internal dialogue, my eyes were heavy, and I wasn’t writing it down. What struck me was the word wanted. The sabotaging words I want came to mind. I felt on the brink of something and then I fell asleep. Even as I type this now I keep stopping trying to remember exactly what happened, but like a nighttime dream, it has faded. The appreciation, however, stayed. Guidance was still here.

Today unfolded the way appreciation unfolds moments and days. Beautifully.

I spent much of the day with Katie. I love listening to Katie. Katie is my voice when I am clear. She is me. She is me projecting a clear mind and hearing it, like a boomerang it comes back. I learned that Katie had help too. Not long after Katie experienced waking up, an old woman showed up in her bedroom sitting in a chair. Katie woke up her husband, at that time, and asked who this old woman was in their bedroom. Her husband could not see the old woman. The old woman stayed with Katie. She was the safe grandmotherly type who was pure love. Katie says that she doesn’t believe in ghosts or entities. This was a projection of her mind, the mind that knew only love. When love answered the questions, she now calls The Work, and there was nothing left, no concept left untested, the old woman and Katie merged.

I don’t miss the papers on the wall. Without knowing what a BodyVoice could be it can become anything. Without knowing a form for my work and calling it something, it becomes all of it.

What do I want? Right now, I can’t think of one single thing.

There was a part of me that wanted to ease her hurt feelings. I wanted to advise her. I searched and searched for the right thing to say. She would say, “I wish I didn’t move this way.” and my heart ached, and I still couldn’t find what to say. And then the words came.

I told her I wanted to advise her and I couldn’t. How could I tell her about something I’ve not experienced. I have no reference. I told her that I wasn’t sure I could handle it as well as she did-in fact, I was certain I couldn’t.  I told her she was the most courageous person I knew, and I had nothing for her. She said she felt like a wimp because she never said anything to these girls. She would just look away. And I realized that everything that I could learn, I could learn from her. And I told her so.

She lightened up, not so much from my words, but from not having to wade through all the bullshit I might have said to her. She was left with only her strength and she found it. And when she felt better, I went to bed, and so I didn’t write.

Yet, I don’t live this work honestly. The fear of commitment isn’t so much whether to commit to a business, or decide the form of my work.  The fear is that to do this kind of work, to honor the truth I know, would mean to relinquish some sacred beliefs. I know inner guidance, there is no dishonesty there. When I say I don’t live this work honestly, I mean that I allow aspects of my personality to make a grand stand, to assert themselves prevalently, even when I know better, and then, because I am very good at it, I justify it.

Tonight, unlike last night, I had an argument with my daughter. I beat her down verbally. Arguing with me is a death sentence. I will kill you with my tongue. Not you. Of course, not you. How would THAT look? My daughter, my husband. This is where I don’t live  honestly, and my daughter calls me on it. She’s got my number. That’s misalignment.  Health and work and relationships and money are an effect. They show you incongruity. Mind is cause. Alignment is congruency between what I think, what I say, what I do, and what I experience as effect. I would call it walking the talk.

So tonight, I did take all the papers down. I just knew to do it. There was no anger in it. The walls are bare now. I am loving the silence of the bare walls. No words and labels screaming at me. I am tired of hearing myself think about myself. I am very bored with it all. There is a comment that came in this morning that wonders if these blogs could be turned into a book. What a sweet suggestion, and it is tantalizing. But right now, in this moment, I can’t think of anything more uninteresting. blah blah blah blah…me me me me me…and I hear it helps.

What I love about right now, this moment…

It’s gone.

As Katie would say, “It’s always a beginning.”

Bye for now.

Or, since I’m on the car metaphors, how about when you first learn how to drive a manual stick shift, and you pop the clutch and jerk all the way down the road. That was today.

I truly know it’s all good. But if I can speak in duality for just a moment…it wasn’t a good day.

And now that it is approaching midnight, I am so sleepy that I don’t want to get into it. Nothing serious, just one of those days I couldn’t get my groove on.

A friend told me that according to Louise Hay, in Heal Your Body, thyroid issues mean, “I never get to do what I want to do. When is it going to be my turn?”  God, how did Louise know that?  Did she swipe that out of my head and go on to create a best-selling book out of it?

I’m getting a bit tired of all this awareness. I told my accountability partner today that muscle testing this past weekend located the sabotaging behavior of “fear of commitment”. He laughed. It was one of those are-you-just-finding-that-out- kind of laughs. Seems our sabotaging behaviors are not that surprising to others.

I have a big pile of papers I am going through. It’s the plans, ideas, mind-maps, sketches, notes, outlines, and essays I’ve accumulated and written over the past two years. Looking through them started out innocently enough; there was even some eager anticipation of finding some lost gem of an idea that could be resurrected and fit into the new aligned me. NOT!

Instead, it was depressing. Were these Inspirations I’ve ignored? I remember, clearly, writing in my book that ignoring the guidance of Inspiration was one of the more energy depleting actions we can take. Did I ignore Inspiration, or was I simply acting out my Kolbe index instinctive strength of imagination?

Do dentists give themselves root canals? This self-analysis stuff is pretty tricky business.  Thoughts cycle. They go and come back again…with a vengeance.

There was a real moment that I imagined jumping up out of my chair and tearing down all the pretty post-it notes and papers off the wall, ferociously crumpling them, and marching, no storming down to the dumpster and throwing the whole lot of who I think I am in the trash.

I didn’t. After all, imagination is my strength and for me, just imagining doing that felt real. But, the thought of incinerating this whole mess of two-year old ideas, and all these personality labels, does have its attraction. But it will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m going to bed.

In the morning, I am meeting a friend an hour’s drive away. I think I’ll pop in a Byron Katie CD during the ride and get my mind right. Sure hope the car doesn’t stall.

Bye for now.

Well at least I am feeling physically so much better. Had a great big glass of fresh veggie juice today — beets, carrots and tops, lots of kale leaves, lemon, apple, and celery. And chocolate. Not in the veggie juice, but a nice chunk of Dagoba 74% dark chocolate with beaucoup berries (cranberries, cherries, & vanilla).

So what have I uncovered so far during these 22 days?

My hero is Muse. The sabotaging phrase I use is “I want”. The sabotaging behavior is “fear of commitment.” My lead roles are Advisor and Creator. The empowering values I have access to are Imagination and Leadership. Just listing these doesn’t look like much, but they are huge. Each discovery opened awareness of ways I am deeply talented, strong, unique, wise, gifted, and valued. And ways I discount or sabotage those strengths. By experiencing this I become a better practitioner. I am also humbled by the intricacies of mind, the tricks of beliefs and the seduction of illusion.

I am learning patience. Patience with myself, patience with not knowing everything all at once.  But, I do know some rules I am going to break, and some rules I am going make.

My new rule book!

I have a hat. Actually one of many, multi-colored, whimiscal caps. I love this one especially. It is about art and it reads Break The Rules. Look at things differently, change the landscape. There’s a section of the cap that is a scene that is paint by numbers. I had the cap for years before I noticed that all the little sections that were to represent various colors were all numbered the same, with a 4.

I and my student this weekend, along with Nancy who assisted me, had so many aha moments that Nancy suggested we may need a new rule book for our life. I loved the thought of that and became inspired. So, l went out and found these amazing, beautiful books for each of us that we’ll now use to write in our new rules. Nancy sent me her first entry earlier today:

Hi, Vanessa – I know you’re having a quiet day – I am too, for the most part – just unpacking my gift bag from you – THANKS so much for all of it!  The bag alone is incredible, the chocolate divine, and the rule book priceless – my first entry (in my pink pen):

That’s a powerful beginning. Re-alignment is mostly about making some new rules – breaking the ones that no longer serve your soul or your purpose or your joy, and writing on your heart the new rules to live by. They aren’t the I should, I must, I have to.  Those were the old rules.

I may not have the quiet time I thought I needed to sit and reflect on where I’m out of alignment. It’s going to be a pretty full week. Yet there isn’t one appointment (even the dentist) that is a should, or feels like an obligation. Each meeting is to see friends, talk with people I haven’t spoken to in months, assist some to get some information that very well may move them forward, get them unstuck. I can hardly wait.

What would my life be like if in every moment I simply did what I am inspired, energized, and guided to do?

That is the essential question for my new rule book.

Bye for now.

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This work always amazes me.

How can I put into words the awe that happens doing this work?

Evo-K (Evolutionary Kinesiology) is a system designed by my good friend and co-author LaRue Eppler. This process uses a gentle method of muscle testing, we call Muscle Response Feedback, to determine the emotional causes of stress.  Stress, simply put, is the result of being out of alignment. And, we are out of alignment when there is any belief, value, or perception that keeps us from experiencing well-being.

The beauty of this process is that it is a laser-like approach that bypasses the conscious rational self/mind and obtains subconscious information. Then once information is obtained, say a limiting belief, then still using muscle testing, we can determine through a menu of options the best way to neutralize or dissolve the stress. An example works here.

To prepare for this training, I spent a few hours at Starbucks with notebook and training materials. Level 3 is all about Life Alignment, and well, this 31 days of re-alignment seemed to fit in pretty nicely. I figured, I would walk myself through some of these exercises to not only be prepared to teach, but to actually do the work on myself.  One exercise is to identify sabotaging behaviors.

With a menu (list) of 40 sabotaging “fears” muscle testing located #13, which reads I have a fear of commitment. Immediately I knew the truth of that statement. Sabotage isn’t unknown to us, just transparent to us. Once I read the statement, then all of the times that I had had this thought or felt anxiety around the idea of having to make a commitment flashed in mind, like a series of film clips. And the big one, the one that prompted this month-long realignment, is not wanting to commit to a business, yet really wanting to design and create a business.  That’s self-sabotage. Fear stops movement.

However, just recognizing the sabotage isn’t always enough. How do you “get rid” of the fear? And that’s where the brilliance of Evo-K shines. I can locate the cause of the fear and when it began.  This fear began with my genetic maternal grandmother. At first this information baffled me. I don’t know my mother’s mother. In fact, as I sat with this, my mother didn’t know her either. Her mother left her when she was five and my mother was raised by a foster mother. BAM! Oh my, for some reason, her mother couldn’t commit to raising her. And this, for me, was one of the awesome, mind-blowing-slapupsidethehead- moments.

The fear of commitment has energetically been passed down. When I was five, my parents, going through a divorce, placed me in a children’s home. How fascinating. The reasons were different and the placement temporary, yet commitment was the issue here, and like she was left at five, she had to leave her daughter at five. I began to find memories of how difficult it is for me to commit, because I really honor my promises and take commitments very seriously. But for me, it goes even deeper than that.  I really love flexibility, I love to try things out, I love to experiment, I love to create and then move on, I love options.

What would happen if I shifted the fear of commitment into placing attention on what I love? What would happen if I played to my strengths by honoring what I love. What would happen if I committed, but to very little and only when I felt a KNOWING to do so, like I did my marriage, having a child, homeschooling and so on? And by the way, all of those commitments worked out very well.

Oh, there’s so much more I wish I could share on this blog, this weekend was so rich, so full, so dynamic. That small piece, although representing a huge understanding, is just a sliver of the wonderment that we all experienced these past two days. One thing is for sure, whatever I decide on day 31, I truly love this work.

Bye for now.