In addition to their brevity, most of them are familiar and in a way almost comforting because it’s a genre that rehashes standard plot devices and pat situations. These have run throughout the history of the genre, from the dark days of shows like Growing Pains to far more entertaining fare like Californication.

The reason for this is debatable. Maybe writers know what works and use it. Or perhaps they watch so much TV throughout the years that they would be horrified to realize that the latest episode of the cutting edge cable show they’re working on was inspired by a childhood viewing of Mama’s Family. Or maybe it’s just laziness and the desire for doughnuts. Regardless there are countless sitcom cliches. Here are 15 of the most common:

1. Relative Drops From The Sky

A sibling or other close relation who has never been mentioned in any context previously comes by for either a single appearance or several. You would have thought that since we’re in on the particulars of these people’s lives they would have mentioned crazy twin sister Sandy the nude potter, but for some reason they’re totally forgotten about until they show up. They usually have a major personality clash with the show regular, but eventually make up and put family issues behind them. [Examples: Sam's brother on Cheers, Daphne's brother on Fraser, Phoebe's brother on Friends].

2. Worst Gig in Town

An international musical superstar will appear in a cameo and up giving a private performance that a millionaire would pay top dollar for to people who earn less than their roadies. Countless examples of this phenomenon. A few of the more inexplicable: Chrissie Hynde on Friends, Tony Bennett on Cybill, Rudy’s friend Kenny jamming with BB King on The Cosby Show

A variation: A character claims to know somebody famous. Nobody believes them. Then, wouldn’t you know it, the actual celebrity turns up within the last five minutes of the show. The friends gape in amazement and the character who made the assertion redeemed. Cut to credits. [Example: Wade Boggs on Cheers]

3. Nothing Nice to Say

Character berates another who he/she thinks is absent. With the insults in full swing, the person being dissed appears and stands behind the insulter. The insults will eventually peter off as the insulter senses the increasingly tense body language of the people he’s talking to and says, “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he? Or the insulter will just go on and on oblivious to body language as everyone else makes throat-cutting motions.

A variation of this often occurs at a cocktail party. A character will badmouth another, usually a coworker, saying things like, “That person is a stuck up phony. He’s only interested in himself.” The individual being discussed will walk over to the pair and the person who had been doing the insulting will change course. “I was just saying to Bill what a great manager you are!” The insulter will then walk away saying, “Whew, that was a close one!”

4. Gay or Nay?

This might be the granddaddy of all sitcom cliches. Either a character is (a) pretending to be gay, (b) mistaken for being gay or (c) gay and someone on the show is oblivious and perhaps pursues that person to fruitless ends. Of course, a scenario most famously played out in Three’s Company (left), where the male protagonist pretended he was gay so he could get cheaper rent.

5. Can’t Trust Anybody

A character is entrusted with something and destroys or loses, be it a vase, painting, favorite shirt, pet or is given house-sitting duties and makes a mess of the place. Instead of taking responsibility, the character tries unsuccessfully to hide what he’s done or replace it.

This happens very rarely with a child, but was part of an episode of Andy Richter Controls the Universe.

6. I Was Young Once Too

A teenager breaks the house rules and either sneaks out past curfew or defies a specific ban by parents to see a concert, party downtown with derelicts, go to the big city for a debauch, etc. The next day or often later that night if they’re brought back by the police or drunk, Dad will give the time-honored speech saying that he was “young and wild once and he understands”, but that it’s important to lay down the law.

7. Just Be You, Dude

A gormless guy with no game who repeatedly strikes out with women is told by a friend, “Be yourself! If someone can’t see how good a person you are deep down, they aren’t worth knowing anyway.”

8. Journeys Through Time

Flash forward: Girl pictures guy with gray hair and a cane and is horrified at growing old together. Flash back: Vintage clothes and hair, obvious soundtrack of the times played for cheap laughs. [Examples: How I Met your Mother, Cheers, Golden Girls - the latter obviously not a flash forward].

9. Something Familiar About That Person

An oblivious character fails to clue in that another person either looks, speaks or acts like them. Bonus points if they’re dating.

Freudian Frasier variation: When Frasier was dating a woman who he later realizes looks like his mom.

10. Bling for a Day

Character with a crappy job and eking out a subsistence living is visited by someone he wants to impress, possibly a potential girlfriend or parents whose high expectations he failed to meet and who he’s been lying to ever since. He makes convoluted arrangements to acquire for show for the day a really great job or great apartment, but his cover is eventually blown. He inevitably gets the “Be yourself!” speech from a caring friend.

11. Multiplying Teen Syndrome

Female teens in sitcoms often find themselves involved in some kind of plot related to pregnancy. A mother will inevitably say, “Sally, you can always come to me or your dad for advice, you know that,” at least 30 times on television. Or it could be a misunderstanding. “I’m not pregnant mom! It’s Cecilia. I was just covering for her.”

Another standby is the kid having to look after a fake baby (doll, bag of flour or an egg) as part of school project.

12. Let’s Not Meet the Parents

The parents of protagonists show up. They’re over-the-top characters in some way completely different to their children so as to make it almost unbelievable that they raised them. The parents will usually be quirky and abrasive and quite often drink and will often either be squares — the dad a hard-nosed military guy — or crazed hippies.

13. Bar From Another Universe

Totally unrealistic bar scenes are common in almost all sitcoms. A common standby in these are bikers, who will look like they could chew threw steel chains but who will blow your mind once you get to know them — they’re really friendly and cool, or maybe aren’t bikers at all, just eccentrically dressed gardeners. Or they’re intimidating and give the wimp protagonist trouble. Logical leap as to why bikers and most of these guys would ever cross paths.

14. Take it From Me, Kid

A randy old guy, often a neighbor, regularly dispenses “back in my day” advice and tries to offer tips on how to handle women that are met with eye-rolling. He’s chastised by his wife for being a less than credible Lothario.

15. Men of Few Words, Lots of Work

A portrayal common among working class guys of all types — slovenly plumber, cable repairman, roofer, short order cook, flooring guy… He’ll be a deadpan guy who disperses advice in terse sound bites, often while chewing gum.

2. Faith will move mountains, if by faith you mean tectonic plates.

3. A nod’s as good as a wink to a disinterested female bartender

4. Laughter is the best medicine, especially when compared to homeopathic remedies.

5. A golden key can open any door but a golden shower can have the opposite result.

6. Beauty is often in the eye of the beholden.

7. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts because the country has defaulted on many loans and needs the EU to bail it out.

8. All good things come to those who wait does not apply to the city bus or the lineup for a Julia Roberts premiere.

9. Genius is one percent inspiration, 99 percent perspiration and hyperhidrosis might occasionally require surgical treatment.

10. One good turn might require another to avoid a roadside spot check.

Honorable Mention: Youth is wasted, often.

The Shark Guys are the authors of Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys’ Book of Bitingly Funny Lists and The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin).

1. The pre-game show took marginally less time than it takes for a Guantanamo Bay case to go to trial. 

2. Multi NBC show song-and-dance routine did not feature Jimmy Fallon, which we’re pretty sure crushed him inside, but sets a great precedent.

3. Giants Victor Cruz recalled his life as a Cougar, presaging the half-time show.

4. A Giants player went to Cornell, which meant he was probably compelled by wealthy parents to attend classes and ideally, avoid contact sports. Player introductions should be restricted to those who earned a degree.

5.  Community Service Award given away before the coin toss. If it’s one thing you associate with NFL players,provided they have decent legal representation, it’s community service.

6. By sheer coincidence, the singing of America the Beautiful by one of the hosts of NBC’s The Voice, which, also by sheer coincidence, airs right after the game.

7. The coach of New England, Bill Bellichick, looks like a guy milling around a supermarket at 3AM looking for frozen microwavable dinners.

8. Giants have a player named Henry Hynoski, who could star in Factotum or Barfly

9. Giants receiver Victor Cruz, known for his end zone salsa moves, scores and NBC cuts to commercials to the strains of Come Dancing, the 1982 hit by the Kinks – a true salsa classic. 

10.Bend it like Beckum. New York Giants player tears ACL.

11. New England coach Belichick, replicated in practise, delays that usually occur because of the Super Bowl half time show in world’s dullest bit of NFL trivia. Our informal poll found that the majority of those asked wanted Madonna to limit her performance, ideally to occupying as little time as possible

12. Bizarre reference to “big fan-like paddles” used by Giants in practise perhaps not for steroid-addled games of gridiron ping pong.

13. Madonna performs it, but is no longer in Vogue. Host of The Voice appears, a show which, by coincidence, airs right after the game. Post performance “World Peace” message ignored by China and Russia in Syrian resolution veto

 The Shark Guys are the authors of Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys’ Book of Bitingly Funny Lists

A Seagal squint is capable of immobilizing an antagonist up to 100 yards away

When Steven Seagal isn’t cast as a former CIA operative – which is infrequently –(in a movie featuring a plucky group of young ballerinas, he’d be cast as a former CIA op choreographer) he has shown incredible range, at least with respect to the air miles he’s logged testing the catering in Romania.

He’s solemnly whispered his way through a select handful of non former CIA operative roles, variously portraying a Mexican drug lord, Italian detective, Cajun mercenary, Alaskan oil rig worker who’s possibly Native American insofar as he looked like he fished Dennis Hopper’s fringed Easy Rider jacket out of the trash and yes, a Russian novelist.

What’s that you say? Seagal is neither the first, tenth, or 10,000^th person you’d think of to play Tolstoy in a direct-to-video money laundering vehicle? A Caucasian picked at random off a street corner would be better suited to a Slavic scribe?

Perhaps an author isn’t too far off. While his acting doesn’t veer far from the speaking voice of a deathbed confession, he’s at least proven himself quote worthy: “perfecting a kick he learned 30 years ago in Japan”, taught to UFC champ Anderson Silva who rattled the bells of his opponent and later credited the Aikido great for the bout-winning blow (Admittedly, this failed to impress many YouTube wags – “the only thing Seagal could teach Silva is how to eat a cheeseburger”.)

While Seagal was keeping this technique on the down-low, we thought of other secrets – nay, THE Secret, a comedy favorite of ours that suggests among other bits of nonsense that the power of the mind is so strong that a short person can think themselves tall (perhaps not as tall as an ethnically ambiguous murmurer draped in a poncho, but tall enough to say, rest a margarita on the head of your shortest friend). Here, without further ado, a quiz: Steven Seagal said it, or it was it in The Secret? (Answers Below)

Steven Seagal Quotes VS Secret Quotes

1. “Try to find the path of least resistance and use it without harming others. Live with integrity and morality, not only with people but with all beings.”

2. “You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point”

3. “The Hows are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream”

4. “Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy.”

5. “Trust your doubt. Always fight for your beliefs. That is the path beyond thought.”

6. “Try to find the path of least resistance and use it without harming others. Live with integrity and morality, not only with people but with all beings.”

7. “You can’t have a universe without the mind entering into it”

8. “I was born clairvoyant, I was born a healer”.

9. “The foundation of all people has to be where they come from ultimately, and ultimately where we come from is the divine”.

10. “Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming”

11. “The universe likes SPEED. Don’t delay, don’t second-guess, don’t doubt..”

12. “Two monks were walking across a bridge and the junior said to the teacher, what is the Buddha nature? And the other one picked him up and threw him in the water.”

Answers:

1. Seagal, 2. The Secret, 3. The Secret, 4. The Secret, 5. Seagal, 6. Seagal, 7. The Secret 8. Seagal, 9. Seagal, 10. The Secret, 11. The Secret and 12. Seagal.

The Shark Guys are authors of the book, Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys’ Book of Bitingly Funny Lists, now available on Kindle

Slowly, our humorous Top 10 lists began to take off and started generating hits and our readership curve started to resemble that of the real estate market before things went spiraling southward, only without the negative implications of that analogy.

Funny Top 10 lists are undeniably popular.  We have no idea when that all started; we don’t own a time machine, and if we did we’d use it to make millions in the stock market and thrash childhood bullies (the one instance a grown man beating the holy tar out of a 10-year-old would be justified).

Our subsequent exposure in Cracked, Mental Floss and FARK, can be likened to a joint being tossed into the woods at a bush party and the multi-alarm blaze that later takes days to extinguish.

TASTES LIKE HUMAN: The Shark Guys’ Book of Bitingly Funny Lists is our new list book – not all Top 10s mind you – taking a cue from big banks and unregistered charities, we massage our numbers when it suits us and feature Top 6s, 7s, 20s, well…you get the idea. Humor books like these often end up derisively called “bathroom books” but if we can put grins on readers’ faces that can’t be attributed to a fiber-heavy diet, then our job is done.

The book is portable enough for a quick read in the privacy of one’s own commode and available right now on the Amazon Kindle (if the two are combined, we urge caution as we’re not sure if the latter is waterproof). Check it out on Amazon!

At 109 years of age, “Soupy” is America’s oldest boxcar hobo and while train-transit may have advanced over the years, Herman still gets a thrill out of riding the rolling  thunder, reliving the 1930’s and the glory days of railway bums.

We have a love of mass transport that goes all the way back to, well, a week ago when we hawked a monthly subway pass.

A few years back, while visiting all the cultural sites in Bessemer, Alabama (this is a bit misleading as there is only one cultural site of significance in Bessemer, Alabama and that’s a very historic sign  – since stolen and moved to another town, thereby contributing to its cultural significance) we heard a knock on the motel room door and there was a 100-year old Herman “Soupy” Musgrave asking if there were any odd jobs that needed doin’ in exchange for a hot meal (say, the beans pictured).

“Soupy” had of course outlived his capacity for useful work by about 40 years, but the front desk, who had grown unaccustomed to such visits in recent years, gladly led him in and fed him- not in the lobby, mind you, as that would be disrupting to paid guests, but by the dumpster.

It seemed the visit brought forth fond memories of the older locals – other itinerants who’d passed by, that they’d fed and indiscriminately slept with as teenagers.

We got to talking and stories he told could fill up countless pages (not here mind you, as our attention spans are limited): the romance of the rails, the beauty of wide-open America, the dysentery, the land-borne scurvy and the threats of constant murder and forcible sodomy from the other boxcar hobos are just a few of the gems Herman shared.

“Soupy” is a wanderer however, and it was impossible to keep him contented in the mock-boxcar constructed in a back yard by a Motel 6 handyman, that could not even reach the neighboring 7-Eleven without a wheel becoming dislodged.

He kept grumbling about “when this damn car is going down the line.”

It better be soon, as few live to reach their 111th year.

This is a list of the oldest verified people and here’s hoping they’re all eating Soupy’s dust before he bites it.

Usually, the best one can hope for out of a union boss is to be left alone as he goes about his business balancing the needs of his own wallet with those of the organized criminals to whom he is beholden.

Now, a new study looks at the one sector of the economy where they’ve really paid their dues (and not to unions) but could perhaps benefit from them.

Among New York City’s retail sector, where the customer is always right and attention must be paid to those  in over-sized jackets who waddle out the front door like penguins weighed down with loot -  only 30% receive health insurance through their jobs.

In the Bronx, the median hourly wage of $8/hr doesn’t even cover a pint in a nice bar (The newly-devised Shark Guy economic “cost of leisure” matrix)

Out of 400 + non-union respondents, according to the study’s author, “An extremely high number earn low wages that cannot even bring them to the federal poverty line”. Eerily, 70% of workers had completed some college or had earned a degree and only one fifth had a set work schedule each week, subsisting on 20 hours a week.

Striking a blow for the overworked, a Chicago woman fired for working during her lunch break, whose company had challenged her unemployment benefits on the grounds of insubordination, has won her court case.

The plaintiff, upon being told by a manager she needed a break,  replied that she had already punched out but “wanted to finish the extra work because she thought her break time was her own.” Fightin’ words.

The manager testified that they’d “asked her how she had taken a break when she remained sitting at the desk, answering phones and working on a spreadsheet.”

Scorpio: Beware shady business deals and novelty candy.

Another year has passed, another space has been permanently vacated on the Comedy Central Roast dais and yet another year of character has been introduced to your face. Regular readers of this site are no doubt familiar with Mordoo the Magnificent, the Shark Guy astrologer in residence (a bit of a misnomer as he’s since received an eviction notice). Unfortunately, the only things that came to pass associated with his name, were kidney stones and the prediction that we’d cut his freelance rates and he’d have to pursue opportunities elsewhere.

Luckily, before he received his walking papers – tough to administer to an itinerant – he passed on all the sundry techniques required for reading the stars.

Now, there are some people who would say that socioeconomic status and genetics are better personality determinants than light from millions of year old stars – fair enough – but sequencing your DNA will cost hundreds of dollars and the following readings are free (unlike regular astrologers, you needn’t trudge down to the nearest derelict strip mall to avail yourself of our services).

AQUARIUS: (January 20 – February 18)

The first three months of the calendar year will pass in 91 days. Nine is the number most associated with 9-pin bowling, 9-ball, saying “no” in German and one is the digit most commonly held up by fans of successful sports teams.

Put these together and the nation’s dog tracks will bring gambling winnings even greater than those of last year (It’s well known though that Aquarians are degenerate gamblers and most likely to be in hock to Scorpios.)

Beware of electrocution when using metal detectors and avoid the temptation to Tweet the locations of police road-side spot checks.

PISCES: (February 19 to March 20)

The year will bring renewed sparks – both to your love life and to electrical sockets. Purchase a surge protector if you would like to keep your LED flat screen around for another several Martian orbital periods.

You’ll be thanking your lucky stars and your desire to catch up on the latest episodes of Entourage that you did (on second thought, better to fry your tube).

ARIES (March 21 to April 19)

This will be a great year of change for Aries. Make sure to pick up crimped end coin wrappers and deposit excess coins at the bank.

An Ontario police force offered up a zodiacal breakdown of arrests and Aries came out on top. Don’t mess with an Aries or feel free to pin the blame on an Aries.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20)

Beware of vacuuming around grand pianos or those hollowed out into giant beverage containers. Beware of musical trios featuring a banjo.

Magnetic pole reversals will see strippers losing their balance and barbershops dazing prospective customers.

For Taurus, we are bullish when it comes to it being a bearish year. Their tendency to become self-indulgent will lead to penning unsuccessful rock operas. Left to their own devices, they will own devices, such as iPods and iPads.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)

When the Sun is in Gemini, the urge to use 30 sunblock and to a lesser extent, for self-expression is strong. Geminis are ascendant in elevators. Famous Geminis include Paula Abdul, Drew Carey, Anderson Cooper, Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Laurie. Geminis are associated with, though not exclusively,  highly-rated television shows.

Gemini metal is mercury, its color is yellow. Diagnostician alert: Copper and phosphorus, but not mercury poisoning is associated with jaundice.

CANCER (June 22 to July 22)

You have a tendency to make a delicious addition to fish soups.

Lousy tipper and travel companion Cancerian Henry David Thoreau said “the man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest”. Contact a divorce attorney, as when it comes to astrology, you’re susceptible to self-fulfilling prophesies.

LEO (July 23 to August 22)

Leos are attention-seeking tantrum-throwers: in short, the rock stars and the supermodels of the Zodiac. Sadly, free cocaine is less easier to come by.

The second half of the year will make you nostalgic for the first half, or vice versa depending on whether Mars or Venus is in Leo. Beware nostalgia.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22)

Don’t let meteorological metaphors do things to your judgement.

Virgo are hyper-analytical, with an ability to see right through the seductive appeal of what appears to be astrological nonsense. Ignore these people. Luck and bad luck will alternate monthly, starting with extremely good luck in January if you’re lucky.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 23)

Expect higher insurance premiums on the road of life. Expect lousy truck stop bathrooms there as well.

On the plus side, your finances will see an unexpected rise (that is, if you don’t read this and nobody tells you about it). If you do, it won’t be unexpected at all. Temper your expectations.

Libras can expect pleasant surprises – more pleasant than being accidentally given the dry cleaning of someone with better taste, but not as pleasant as say, a four-star meal comped by the company that’s soon to lay you off and you run up a huge bill in anticipation.

SCORPIO (October 24 to November 21)

Your forays into foyers will rhyme if you’re in Canada. Expect your mortgage applications to be denied in perpetuity. Remember to be pro-active and facilitating when it comes to annoying office jargon.

Speaking of work, new opportunities will grace your door as you’re sent packing through your current one. Layoffs are tough, but your forthcoming job will be higher paying, if not less sexually exploitative.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21)

Keith Richards once said “I’m half-man, half-horse, with a license to shit in the street”. Keep an eye on your bowels Sag, as your ass is going to get resoundingly kicked this year. Or possibly kissed (the stars are indecipherable on this point).

You are either William Tell or the apple. Better that, than being the worm.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19)

It’s a good thing you’re human, as the life expectancy of a goat is about 15-18 years. Pan is said to have the upper body of a man and the horns and lower extremities of a goat, disqualifying him from body building competitions. Beware swigging skin milk from shot glasses.

And of course, around this time there are some people struggling to generate gift ideas for those hard to buy for people – folks seen as regularly as a gastrointestinal specialist, people who already have enough money to buy happiness and with the leftover money, buy happiness for other people, or those about whom so little is known a P.I. would have to sift through their garbage (where, not coincidentally, your gift might end up if you’re not careful).

Before the e-book revolution, we could physically sign copies of our paperback and send them out (The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery) in lieu of cards, generating much needed Christmas cheer for ourselves in the form of publicity.

However, there exists a sizable number of folks for whom being given this (admittedly spectacular – hint hint) gift is not enough. Here then are some non-royalty-generating, Christmas gift ideas for the Holiday Season to stick in your Yuletide sack.

1. Make Something.

People overwhelmingly appreciate a gift that is made and the easiest thing to make, of course, is money. Those of us not caught in the recession’s undertow, still earn regular paychecks. People everywhere can use money.

2. Soon-to-expire Deal-of-the-Day Gift Certificates.

Time-sensitive gifts let the giver know that they will be used. Unlike say, a Weed Whacker, which might linger in someone’s garage until the first sign of spring when a picture of it is uploaded to Craig’s List, you can exert some control over the recipient by ensuring they go to the restaurant you’ve selected for them, by say, December 27th to eat $27 dollars’ worth of discount rib eye.

3. Novelty Liquor.

Everyone drinks and those who don’t, should have Christmas spirit poured into them. Nothing says whimsical like a well-chosen bottle of something – if the something in question resembles this jaunty rum (right) all the better. [Please see our list of How to Spot a Christmas Drunk]

4. A Fake Christmas Tree if the Recipient Chops Down Real Ones and a Real One if the Recipient uses Fake Christmas Trees.

Cover all the bases with this, diminishing by one a family outing this holiday season if the saws would normally be humming in a winter lot and preventing potential fires with the ersatz version.

5. A Singing Telegram from Justin Timberlake’s Producer

Here, Timbaland offers up yet another version of Drummer Boy, a song which has become one of our continent’s top exports. Every signed recording contract now stipulates than an artist has to bang out at least one rum-pa-pum-pum. To personalize things, if you don’t particularly care for Slipknot’s version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – with Skype/YouTube, etc, you can be your own singing telegram.

Here is the story of a Canada Post worker spotted making an unscheduled delivery. Had the postman forced someone to watch him do this before he would agree to deliver a long overdue set of food stamps to a family depending on them, then perhaps we would have had a story here.

Even if this story had been something that said all the tongues in the berg of Toronto wagging, one has to question the way it was written up. First, we’re not sure what to make of bold, uppercase TRUCK. That looks like a dateline. Was this story filed from the back of one? Or is this a creative lead in? “TRUCK. It’s what a toddler screams for when he’s sick of playing with cars, and it’s what Joe Bruno was starting up when he saw something that changed his life.”.

We’re not sure what was intended here, but we do know 25 Ways to Save Newspapers.