The statement above is true not only in sports and other types of competition but especially true in negotiations.

Negotiations are complex, and some deals fall apart for seemingly no reason. The cause of this may be less rational than we think, and it leans more toward the emotional end of the spectrum.

According to Merriam-Webster, the term “save face” means, “to avoid having other people lose respect for oneself”. As human beings, we like to protect our status and others’ perceptions of our character. This means that there’s a subconscious drive that activates a siren in our head when we suspect someone is thinking toward us, “Look! They’re an idiot!” As you will see in the explanations below, sometimes this “someone” isn’t really another person, but it may even be an imaginary conscience strolling in our heads. In the case of negotiation, we need to manage our bargaining partner’s perceptions of saving face, or the results may be detrimental toward getting to an agreement.

Know that when negotiating, your partner - boss or manager if you are asking for a raise - may have all the means necessary to give you what you want. However, if they have felt like you sucked out every last bit of what they could afford, or, more primitively, felt like you’ve won and they lost, they might shut down the entire negotiation to prevent admitting to themselves that they got the shorter end of the stick. This exemplifies saving face in front of one’s conscience. Truth is, people don’t like to embarrass themselves in front of themselves.

The type of saving face that most people are familiar with, the one based on the definition earlier, involves guarding another person’s judgment of our character. If there is someone present whose opinion matters to your bargaining partner - maybe your manager’s supervisor - they may be incentivized to do what it takes to prevent themselves from looking bad in front of that person. Sometimes this means negotiating with threats, lies, and ultimatums, and sometimes this means killing a perfectly possible deal to prevent the need to hold up a white flag signaling, “I lost!”, to the world. This type of situation exemplifies saving face in front of an influential third party.

So, the question is, how can we help the other side save face so they don’t have to do it themselves and kill our deal? I’ll let you ponder on that, but a quick technique that I found useful back in the day consists of 2 words that cost me nothing to say to my negotiation partner…

“You won!”

“With each level of growth and development, we experience fresh conflicts and transcend old ones that we not only successfully resolve, but develop the skills to move beyond.”

Let’s take marriage, or long-term relationships of any kind. Whenever I complain about a conflict with my husband, my friend the Buddhist reminds me that my husband is my Zen master. Her reminder focuses my attention back on myself and what I have to learn from the dispute I’m having with my husband. The two of us are like the couple in Anne Tyler’s novel, The Accidental Tourist. We sometimes feel like rivals competing for the “better housekeeper” award. Should I win the prize for insight and understanding even though I am haphazard and mercurial in my habits? Or should the blue ribbon be awarded to my husband who is methodical and steady? When we first met, he loved my spontaneity and I his dependable nature. Now his steadiness irritates me and my disorganization angers him.

This intractable meta dispute – the dispute on which all others are based – evaporates when I realize it has something to teach me about my own character and presents a challenge against which that character could possibly develop. What if we solved the immediate problem? “If only you’d put your car keys in the same place every time,” my husband says for the umpteenth time, “you wouldn’t have to spend twenty minutes searching for them.” I could choose to shift the argument to my home court (“you are too controlling”) or take the lesson that a little advance planning might ease rather than burden my busy day.

Here’s the transformative part. When I change in a fundamental way, the people in my life inevitably change in relation to my change. Once my husband and I resolve the order-versus-chaos problem, he will have to find someone else to play the “I’m more orderly than you” game or give it up altogether. If his desire is truly to help me lead a more efficient and productive life rather than “trying to control me,” the two of us can move on to greater, more interesting challenges than this one on which we have been stuck for years. The same is true for relations between workers, members of extended families, red states and blue, and America against the rest of the world.

When I change in a fundamental way, the people in my life inevitably change in relation to my change.

If we were finally able to resolve our differences over, say, the separation of church and state, we could free up our energy to address other pressing problems, like poverty and intolerance, the environment and health care, and full employment for anyone with the desire to work as a contributing member of the society. Conflict among human societies has caused incalculable loss and suffering. It is also the way in which people have finally stood up for human rights, self-governance, peaceful dispute resolution, independence, and tolerance of differences. If we encounter conflict with courage and self-reflection, it can and will lead us, and those who surround us, to greater freedom and authenticity, to greater self-reliance, acceptance, accountability, forgiveness and, at long last, a far more peaceful world.

Text from “Z is for Zen Master” in The Grownups' ABCs of Conflict Resolution.

Facing our layers of fear and doubt is an unavoidable part of negotiation and the key reason why it takes courage to negotiate.

When we think about negotiating for something we want, even before we get to asking – we’re just thinking about it here – we enter into conflict. That conflict can be within ourselves or with others.

This is why we have to examine our primary responses to conflict:

Suppression—forbidding or restraining the discussion of an idea, activity or issue.
Avoidance—refusing to talk to someone with whom you’ve had a dispute.
Resolution—finding an agreement both parties can live with.
Transformation—changing your relationship with the person with whom you’re having the dispute so that you both can resolve the conflict and better your relationship.
Transcendence—consciously moving through and past a conflict. In other words, you’re no longer dominated by the need to repeat the conflict.

No doubt you can identify your principal style of dealing with conflict. If you're most often hovering somewhere between avoidance and suppression, grab your courage and lean into the conversation with transparency and the intent to be curious about what's possible.

Women experience higher rates of poverty than men. In 2018, 12.9 percent of women lived in poverty compared with 10.6 percent of men. Nearly 10 million women lived in deep poverty, defined as falling below 50 percent of the federal poverty line.

We are tireless referees of fights among our children and our family members, settling who gets the last piece of pie or explaining Uncle Al's odd behavior at the Thanksgiving table to relatives demanding he never again be asked to a family celebration. If we find we've cooked too little food when the neighbors drop by at dinner time, we serve everyone else first, give ourselves a tiny dollop and say, I ate a late lunch or I'm dieting, please, eat up; it makes me happy to see you enjoy the food I put on the table.

The social scientists tell us that women in the workplace ask for less money (engage in less "claiming" behavior) than the guys do because we bring our domestic and mothering tendencies into the workplace, concerning ourselves more with the equitable distribution of resources than building our own little financial kingdom.

We don't want to be selfish. And that's a big mistake.

Think of Yourself as an Item of Value with a Market Price

There usually comes a point in my clients' compensation negotiations when their bargaining partner gets angry. The irritation is usually expressed in how dare you terms. You're asking for far too much. You're never going to make that much money anywhere. Recently, a senior litigation partner told a senior lawyer his firm was courting, you might think you'll be General Counsel at the corporation you work at now, but you won't. You'll never be. 

[This angry outburst, by the way, was followed by a significant monetary concession made to apologize. My client came out of the negotiation just fine].

In addition to having prepared my clients for this moment (I'm surprised XYZ Corp isn't paying market) I always tell my clients that no one gets angry at a Porsche for costing $100,000 or at a house for being appraised at a million. It's your market value, I say. And if you don't get it this year, you'll be short-changing yourself until you do, if you can, retire.

“It's your market value, I say. And if you don't get it this year, you'll be short-changing yourself until you do, if you can, retire.”

When women think of themselves as a capital investment - which is what human resources are - it helps them get over their cultural conditioning to have modest expectations, to refrain from self-serving and to avoid seeking "special treatment" just because they're better than the "other kids" at what they do.

Elsewhere, I've written about the many ways to research and pin-point market value. Today, I want to urge women in the workplace to suppress the desire to be selfless and other-serving when it comes to compensation for their services. To embrace the "selfishness" of the marketplace.

In Business, It Pays to Think of Yourself First

When it comes to planning and providing for ourselves now and in our elder years, as well as for our children and spouses (who may well experience periods of unemployment in the continuing economic shift caused by the Great Jobless Recovery) we could all use a little dose of "selfish" as featured in Asaf Shani's Kindle negotiation guide, The I Win Conflict and Negotiation Approach.

This book's central message - you have to be selfish - gives short, cogent, example-based reasons why your bargaining partner is likely to self-serve and what you can do to off-set the devaluation of your own contributions. By following the prescriptions of this valuable little book, women can, along with their male colleagues, distribute value most efficiently while assuring themselves that they are getting as good as they give.

Replace Selfish with Enlightened Self Interest and Go for It

Engaging in healthy claiming behavior is not antithetical to the kind of collaborative, mutual benefit, interest-based, value-creating negotiation strategies She Negotiates recommends. Once collaborative negotiators create as much value as possible at the bargaining table, they still have to divide it among themselves. And "cutting the baby in half" has been bad for both genders since King Solomon suggested it as the solution to the most famous Biblical dispute to all time.

For women readers who recoil at the word "selfish," think about it as enlightened self-interest and exchanging value for value. With the tools provided in Mr. Shani's book, you'll be prepared to maximize benefit for yourself and your family while at the same time creating new value for your bargaining partner.

“For women readers who recoil at the word "selfish," think about it as enlightened self-interest and exchanging value for value.”

Put this little book in your back pocket the next time you need a raise, are seeking a promotion or are simply asking for a break on your dry cleaning bill. You won't be disappointed.

In the political arena, the power of framing is generally called "spin." You needn't, however, be an expert at renaming torture "coercive interrogation techniques" to become skilled at framing your demands during negotiations.

Frames are mental shortcuts that help us organize complex information into coherent, understandable categories. When we label something we see, for example, we highlight what we want to direct our companions attention to. 

“Frames are mental shortcuts that help us organize complex information into coherent, understandable categories.”

“Look at the seagulls!”

Frames also omit information, rendering it unimportant, meaningless or actually invisible. 

{don’t notice the threatening sky in which the birds are flying}

To demonstrate the power of framing, researchers asked subjects questions that contained suggestions of size. The impact of the framing terms -- short and tall, for instance -- were striking.

When asked how tall a basketball player was, research subjects' average estimate was 79 inches, ten inches taller than when asked how short he was (69 inches).

Frames are extremely helpful in overcoming impasse in negotiations over price. A common negotiation frame treats the difference between offers and counter-offers at the point of impasse as the total amount in controversy. 

If, for example, Dawn opened negotiations at $1.5 million and has, in the course of negotiation moved to $600,000, while Harry commenced negotiations at $250,000 and has moved to $550,000 at the point of impasse, the negotiators will tend to focus upon the reasonable division of the $50,000 delta rather than upon the total $550,000 offer or the $600,000 demand.

Focusing solely upon the value that separates the parties reframes the subject matter of the negotiation as more minor than the total amount involved and suggests that the parties, having narrowed the dispute, are quite capable of eventually reaching agreement.

“Focusing solely upon the value that separates the parties reframes the subject matter of the negotiation as more minor than the total amount involved…”

Just remember that you can influence your negotiation by framing bargaining as problem solving, a dispute as and opportunity to benefit both parties and a 20% raise as an attempt to measure compensation as a return on investment rather than a loss to the employer.

Just a Head’s Up before moving into today’s topic ~ when negotiating compensation for a new job or seeking a raise and promotion , should you put the first proposal on the table?

“When negotiating compensation for a new job or seeking a raise and promotion, should you put the first proposal on the table?”

I asked this question on LinkedIn last week and here’s the breakdown I got:

Good for the 25%! A solid B for the 46% and “you’re not making enough money” for the 29%.

Let me explain.

Back in 2009, the Harvard Program on Negotiation voted for “it depends” when “the other side has much more information than you do about the item to be negotiated or about the relevant market or industry.”

In that dark age, PON was right to note that “recruiters and employers typically have more information than job candidates do,” about competitive market compensation.

No longer true! There are dozens of resources for employees today to determine how much the market is paying someone just like you!

This means you should be the one making the first offer because it sets one end of the bargaining range (the “anchor”) and will draw your bargaining partner in its direction throughout the course of the negotiation. The psychological effect of anchoring is dramatic, even when you don’t have data to support it.

It’s that simple. Pick the highest number being paid for what you do. Say “I’ve benchmarked competitive compensation and people in my role doing what I do are making” around $150K with a year end bonus and equity or whatever package you can reasonably support.

Remember, you’re entitled to be paid market or something near it. The issue isn’t how big a raise that will be - it’s what your employer would have to pay someone to replace you.

Learn your value and the go get ‘em champs!

“…think of the resume as back-up; not your calling card.”

Most of my clients initially want to pitch their past experience during that first interview (or during their quest for a raise and promotion at year end). That first interview is make or break and your prospective or current employer already knows what you’ve done. What they don’t know, and what they’re dying to know, is what you’ll do. Not only that, they want to know what you’ll do to serve their needs. That’s why I encourage my clients to schedule at least one interview, whether it’s first or last, with the person who really needs you.

When I was hiring associate attorneys for my trial teams, I had pressing needs. And those pressing needs were quite specific.

Three months before a complicated multi-party multiple million dollar case, I usually needed:

• Someone able to make a court appearance

• Someone able to take a deposition

• Someone who could not only draft a coherent and persuasive pre-trial motion, but one who could suggest we file a motion I hadn’t thought of.

• Someone who could produce work on a tight schedule

Those are just the top four that come to mind all these many years after I retired from practice as a commercial litigator and trial attorney. Those “top of mind” qualifications were not, however, precisely what I needed. And that’s why an applicants first step in a hiring or compensation interview is to ask what the partner with a need specifically needs.

Tough to know? Not really. Just ask me. Like this.

I understand you’re going to trial in January. What will you need someone with my experience to do?

Thanks for asking. Too few applicants do. I’ve got two critical expert witness depositions coming up and I need an associate with your background (yes, I’ve read your resume) to help me prepare for it.

Great! I’ve prepared partners for expert depositions on several occasions. What are their areas of testimony?

I’ve got a statistician who’s going to testify that the defendants must have engaged in a conspiracy based on a statistical analysis of the reasons why all of the defendant insurance carriers denied a pain clinic’s patient’s claims. The other expert is going to testify about lost profits.

Interesting. I took a statistics class in college and frankly don’t remember much but I’m a quick study. If I’m the one you hire, I’d ask for the statistical analysis, the underlying data, the expert witness statement and a sample of the documents that could demonstrate that the claims were not denied by defendants in a sufficiently similar way to justify a conclusion of conspiracy. That’s the sort of analysis I’m best at. I suspect the lost profits expert will be more straight forward. I’ve prepared my partners for those depositions on several previous occasions.

Terrific. I like the way you think. We also have to take the depositions of some claims managers who worked with our co-defendants. I’ve got outlines for those depositions. Do you think you’d be up to taking them?

I’ve second-chaired dozens of depositions and only taken a few myself. I believe I could handle the claims people using the outline. I’ve used outlines before and always expand them somewhat. I’m also able to follow a witness who goes in a direction that the outline doesn’t anticipate. Again, I’m a quick study and have been wanting to get more hands on trial and pre-trial work for the past couple of years.

“And that’s why an applicants first step in a hiring or compensation interview is to ask what the partner with a need specifically needs.”

Why does this attorney get hired or promoted, paid more or promised a significant post-trial bonus for putting in the hours that all trial work demands? Primarily because she is not simply telling me what she’s done before, but what she’ll do once she’s hired. She’s eager and clearly willing to work hard in case I need to throw something at her that she’ll be doing for the first time.

In the hundreds of interviews I conducted in a 25-year litigation and trial career, I can count of one hand (just one!) how many applicants: (1) asked me what I needed; and, (2) indicated that they would be able to do what I needed. And the resume? The past experience? That’s just verification for the more in-depth inquiry I need to make to fill my pre-trial needs.

So when you read the dialogue above, forget about the details - it’s the “can do” attitude that sells. The resume is just backup. Inhabiting the role gets the job, raise and promotion every time.

1. Understand that Negotiation is a conversation that seeks to find a satisfactory outcome for everyone.

2. The purpose of your negotiation is to give as much as you get.

3. The best and easiest way to start that conversation is to focus on the needs of your bargaining partner.

EXAMPLE: negotiating #speaker #fees.

I am often told by the women who are committee heads for law firm women’s initiatives that they don’t have the money to pay me to speak to or train their women because they are not funded. I do not say, “oh, ok, I understand. I’ll work for free.” Nor do I simply say, “sorry, I can’t speak for free.”

Here’s what I do.

I commiserate with them about their having been given a committee assignment without the funds necessary to achieve the committee’s goals. Then I ask how their committee work is going. They share their disappointments with me and I empathize with that. We build trust that way – one of the most important conditions for a successful negotiation.

I’m not apparently engaged in bargaining behavior. I’m having a conversation that I hope will lead to my being paid. I’m not being insincere – I genuinely believe women’s initiatives should be funded and it irritates me that they’re not. It also irritates the women I talk to. We’re bonding. It’s real but it also has a purpose.

Eventually, I say something along the lines of “hey! what if we could find a way to get you more money, not only for me, but for other experts who would help your women achieve their career goals.”

“How do I do that?”

“Let’s see if there’s another line item in the firm budget that you could use to bring talented women in to help your women learn how to benefit themselves and the well-being of your firm by being better leaders, more savvy negotiators, and better agents of their own careers.”

Usually, we find money in library funds or marketing budgets. I help the women who want to hire me to raise the funds they need to do so.

It’s not exactly an act of selfless generosity – but it’s not entirely self-serving and it doesn’t risk damaging a relationship. In fact, it improves my relationships. It’s “win win.”

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]]>Three Steps For Women Who Feel Uncomfortable Asking For More.Victoria PynchonThu, 30 Sep 2021 15:34:55 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/9/30/the-transformative-power-of-serving-somebody5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:6155c2dc06a4a13a01a7f5e8

When Bob Dylan wrote Gotta Serve Somebody I understood him to be in his born-again Christian stage, one with which I’d flirted at 14 and abandoned at 15. A crush brought me to Jesus as “my personal Lord and Savior” and like all teen crushes, it had an extremely short shelf-life. So I ignored Serve Somebody, figuring Dylan’s conversion wouldn’t likely outlast my own.

Sobriety, on the other hand, tends to have staying power. Dylan and I “got sober” in the same year, 1994, and as far as I know, we’ve both had a productive, long-term relationship with the freedom to “serve somebody” that sobriety brings.

The First Step

I was ten years sober when I signed up for my first mediation training. Because I’m a trial attorney (or was) I tend to arrive at any assignation early. I’d been burned by Judges too many times for being late to their sacred space, the Courtroom, a place where their power to give rewards and exact punishment was unconstrained.

So I arrived early to yet another antiseptic conference room in yet another upscale hotel, where I sat alone in a folding chair under fluorescent lights nursing a cup of bitter coffee from the serving table to my right. Other than rows of metal chairs and the table groaning under morning pastries and a two coffee urns, the room was empty. Empty of anything other than an easel hosting Gulliver-sized post-it sheet bearing the admonition, BE CONSCIOUS.

That was unexpected. I was a corporate litigator who’d been trained to BE STRATEGIC, BE SECRETIVE, BE ADVERSARIAL, BE TOUGH and, frankly, BE AN ASSHOLE if that’s what it took to achieve that which had been my only goal for a quarter century: TO WIN.

I’d never seen the word “conscious” let alone an instruction to “be it,” in any legal setting anywhere at any time.

You don’t sign up for mediation training because you’ve decided to roast marshmallows, purchase crystals, improve your [then non-existent] spiritual life or, like Miss America contestants, yearn for world peace. You take a mediation course because you’re tired of fighting. So my response to “be conscious” was neutral. I was willing to be willing to learn something new.

You also don’t study mediation - the practice of facilitated negotiation - to transform your life.

But after a period of resistance, which in my case required brushing some remaining chips off my shoulders, transformation is precisely what mediation delivered. And it delivered a transformative experience not simply because it requires its adherents to “be conscious” but also because it requires its practitioners to “serve somebody.”

When I entered the conference room where’d I learn how to help people resolve their differences collaboratively rather than with force, I was no longer addicted to substances but I was a hardcore, ride or die hand-maiden of fear and force.

Let’s go back to Dylan. Here are the first two stanzas of Gotta Serve Somebody

You may be an ambassador to England or France

You may like to gamble, you might like to dance

You may be the heavyweight champion of the world

You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls

But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes

Indeed you're gonna have to serve somebody

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody

Before sobriety and before that day at the Hilton Hotel on Figueroa Blvd. in downtown Los Angeles, I was serving my clients (a good thing) but doing so by creating fear in their opponents with the ultimate goal of forcing them to do what my client wanted them to do - to lose.

By the end of that first day of negotiation and mediation training, I’d learned that the first step in a mutually satisfactory “deal” was to create an atmosphere of hope and safety - hope that the parties had it within them to work together to solve their mutual problem and safety from the bullying they’d experienced as participants in the adversarial system of justice.

I was, as you can imagine, skeptical. But I was as willing to put down the tools of my warrior trade as I’d been a decade earlier to put down the drugs and alcohol that seemed the singular way to achieve some barely acceptable degree of contentment in my disordered life.

The next step, like one of the early steps in a program of recovery, was to be of service. Not to convince the other guy to see things my way, but to learn what the other guy really wanted. What she desired, feared, prioritized, valued, and needed. And the third step - a radical departure - was to find a way to deliver something to fulfill those needs, allay those fears, and align with those values.

The purpose of a mediator is to serve both parties at the same time with the same commitment and passion you used to have to serving your own client’s interests. All of which requires everyone - mediator included - to wrestle with the problem as partners rather than adversaries, to be truthful, authentic and, yes, vulnerable.

I have hundreds of stories about the ways in which this method of solving life’s inevitable conflicts is not only effective, but spiritually transformative. I want to write a little about this experience in a manner that right now feels slightly beyond my grasp. But sobriety has taught me to reach beyond my grasp as a way of growing and a way of being of service to others.

So stick with me. I hope to deliver something of greater value here than simply a way to negotiate what you want and need without being conscious of the desires and requirements of those who you consider your enemy.

You can use these tools to manipulate others (in service to the devil) or us them to liberate yourself and everyone who enters your orbit (the Lord).

8 Ways to Handle Lowball Salary Offers

Contrary to what you may think, accepting your dream job offer without negotiating your compensation is one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make.  And this is particularly true for women and under-represented minorities.

Let me explain.

If you’re not negotiating at least a 10% raise, then you’re already selling yourself short because you are almost certainly in the wage gap. Depending on your race, gender, nationality, or BIPOC and LGBTQ status, you are making anywhere between 55% and 90% of the wages earned by cis gender men of European descent. 

What to do. 

1. Request more time to think about the offer - This way you don’t accept or decline right away, and can take some time to weigh the pros and cons.

2. Negotiate a higher salary - Don’t take the salary you were offered at face value. If it’s lower than you think it should be, negotiate! Many companies expect you to do this.

3. Before you negotiate, learn your market value by surveying the market with online resource such as payscale.com, salary surveys such as those issued by Robert Half, and your friends and colleagues in the field.

4. Consider the company’s overall package - Consider the company’s salary bands, bonus structure, leave benefits, particularly pregnancy leave if you’re of child-bearing years, and childcare benefits if you have children). 

5. If you’re leaving money on the table (only partially earned equity, for example) ask for a signing bonus. 

6. In all cases where pay bands are transparent, make sure you’re placed in the right pay band according to your education, experience and skills. 

7. Create a plan for performance reviews - Continuous feedback is crucial. Be sure to set yourself up for success, so you can show your company you deserve the higher salary.

8. Don’t be afraid to walk away - If you’re not comfortable with the offer now, it’s going to feel even more uncomfortable once you’re working. Don’t be afraid to walk away if the job isn’t right for you!

Consider any offer less than 10% to be a lowball offer that is out of sync with your market value.

Want to learn even more about handling lowball salary offers?

Schedule your $200 hour with She Negotiates, and learn how our experts can help you earn the salary you deserve! We’ll guide you through the process of negotiating your salary, and earning what you're worth. 

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]]>8 Ways to Handle Lowball Salary OffersEntrepreneurGender BiasImplicit BiasInterest Based NegotiationJob InterviewsLowball Salary OfferMoneyNegotiationNegotiation CoachPay EquityPay GapPowerSalarySalary ConsultingSalary NegotiationSelf promotionWomenUnderrepresented minorityVictoria PynchonWed, 22 Sep 2021 17:14:01 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/9/22/how-a-start-up-comes-into-being-with-jordan-sale-of-81centscom5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:614b583397240413d2dc85f5

In summer 2018, Jordan Sale, still a graduate student at Berkeley’s esteemed Haas School of Business, decided someone needed to provide women and underrepresented minorities with affordable, accessible, virtual negotiation support (and data!).

By 2021, Jordan’s start-up, 81cents.com had helped 550 people earn more than $3,500,000 in compensation that they wouldn’t have earned if they hadn’t first asked 81cents for help in negotiating their salaries, bonuses, equity and perks.

Recently, we talked with Jordan about the inspiration that led her to start this award-winning business. Frankly, I’ve never before asked an entrepreneur the most basic question How Did You Think Up This Business Venture or How Did You Go About Creating and Launching It?

I’m super glad I did ask Jordan these questions and not just because women-led start ups received just 2.3% of VC funding last year.

Jordan’s story isn’t just about women in tech or women entrepreneurs or women who launch new companies with VC capital. It’s about the creative spark followed by the hard work of seeing your dreams fulfilled in a new, disruptive business venture. It’s a story that should guide and inspire men and women from every background, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, and marginalized status.

Come listen to this engaging, instructive interview. It’s the first one to “drop” in the She Negotiates Podcast. We’re new and a little rough in our interviewing skills but people like Jordan make up for it by being passionate, well-spoken, thoughtful and inspirational.

Check it Out today!! And please, like us on whatever platform you listen to podcasts. We can be found on the following podcast channels - Apple, Spotify, Google, PocketCasts and Amazon. In other words, anywhere you’re currently listening to your podcast lineup.

We’ll be talking about action steps when joining a start up in the next couple of weeks so do stay tuned.

Upcoming podcasts include interviews with Gloria Feldt, the authoritative voice on women’s leadership, power, and intention, accelerating solutions for diversity and gender parity. whose new book Intentioning just launched, Cassandra Lawrence, expert in religio-spiritual expressions of non-violence, interfaith engagement, and post-conflict development, and Dr. Anne LaBorde, an expert in all things health care.

You Are a Necessity, Not a "Nice to Have"

My point here in both B-to-B negotiations and personal bargaining sessions, is to present yourself as a necessity, not a frill, an elective or a "like to have." Listen, we all lack confidence in our value, particularly those of us who are pretty darn successful.

My experience representing corporate executives as a lawyer and consulting with individuals and businesses as a negotiation expert is that the better people are the less they think of themselves. I'm not psychologist but I'd diagnose this particular kind of low self-esteem as the driver of some people's success rather than a retardant. "I'm not good enough," so many successful people tell themselves "so I'm going to have to work much harder than the others are doing."

Perfectionism, when not coupled with paralysis, can be a good thing in getting the work done. It's a bad thing, however, when marketing your services to another. Because my consulting services are pretty pricey, my clients all tend to be life-time residents of the top of the bell curve. They've spent so much time among similarly hard-working, bright, well-educated, ambitious and highly educated people that they forget they're among the best.

Many of them, particularly the young ones, continue to see themselves as fungible, expendable, easily replaced by another. As someone who's able to take the long view from the end of a legal career I can tell you without any hesitation that ambitious, talented, dedicated, hard-working people are not widgets in a widget factory. They - you - are not replaceable. They - you - are not a "nice to have." They - you - are a necessity.

So whether you're working for a corporation or representing one in negotiations, you should explore, and be prepared to assert, the unique value you add to any enterprise in which you are a part. That value might arise from your particular skill set, your educational accomplishments, your ability to influence others (charisma), your irreplaceable institutional knowledge or your reputation for reliability.

Even if you're just sitting in a cubicle moving paper and digital files around, understand that the effectiveness and efficiency of the entire organization rests, at least in part, on your dedication, reliability, grace under pressure, and ability to get your job done with a reasonable degree of precision in a reasonable period of time.

Organizations are pyramids and without a strong base, no talented leadership team, no brilliant and highly paid CEO, and no prestigious Board of Directors can keep the firm running.

You are essential. Please don't forget that.

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]]>Encouragement for working WomenVictoria PynchonFri, 03 Sep 2021 22:08:40 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/09/03she-cession-proof-5-post-pandemic-career-tips-for-women5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:613299f65ee718652288d112

By Jessica Larson of SolopreneurJournal.com

While the continuing pandemic has led to sweeping changes and job loss across industries, women were impacted the most. In 2020 alone, nearly 2 million woman-held jobs vanished. 

While this is a staggering statistic, it reinforces the need for women to invest in and advocate for themselves in order to achieve their career goals. 

Industry Changes and the Need for Personal Financial Readiness

The pandemic has impacted nearly every industry. Career landscapes have shifted radically, obscuring long-term goals for working women. Even if you haven’t lost your job, raises are down as businesses try to recoup lost revenue. 

But guess what: Your value hasn’t gone down at all. If you’ve weathered the storm in your current position, now is as good a time as any to ask for the raise you deserve. When it’s time to negotiate, explain your worth in concrete figures, and describe how your value will only rise in the future with an in-depth proposal of your upcoming goals. If you meet resistance or hesitancy, keep (professionally) pushing. Even if you’re told no, leave it open-ended and follow up in the coming weeks and months.  

On the other hand, if you need to make a career move (by choice or by force), it helps to have a financial safety net. Being financially solid means you can make career decisions based on what is right for you and your family, rather than out of desperation. Take steps to bulk up your savings, and work to improve your credit history. Not only will access to credit be important in times of emergency, having good credit can save you more than $11,000 in credit card and loan interest over the course of a year. 

These are just a handful of helpful resources that can help you navigate your potential advancement in the current, pandemic-riddled landscape. Though the past year and a half has not been particularly kind to women, it is just one more set of challenges we will rise above. 

Divide and Conquer Your Goals

If you’re looking to move up in your current workplace, or searching for a new career path after the pandemic, start by breaking down your goals into achievable steps. This will not only allow you to meet them, but it will showcase your dedication to improvement — a tremendous soft skill that employers love. Figure out your primary desires, and divide your goals into weekly targets that push you to excel while being realistic enough to achieve (or ideally, exceed!) 

If you find yourself out of work because of the pandemic, yet sitting on an expansive skillset, it might be time to start your own business. It’s no small task, that’s for sure. But there are numerous resources and assistance for new businesses, especially for minority business owners. Look into small business grants specifically for women. For example, the Amber Grant awards women-owned businesses $10,000 for growth, with a chance for an additional $25,000 at the end of the year. 

Research and Learn Complimentary Skills

As the pandemic continues, creativity and flexibility will be crucial. Employers are looking for a wide range of professional and personal skills. By adding complementary skills to your repertoire, you will showcase not only your dedication to continued learning and improvement, but also your desire to meet a myriad of needs for your employer.  

Additionally, some women are finding it easier than they thought to take their existing skills into new industries. If you happen to find yourself stuck in your current profession, do the research to find alternative pathways for your talent. This allows you to highlight all of your existing skills while promoting your ability to bring new and exciting skill sets to an employer.

These are just a couple of helpful resources that can help you navigate your potential advancement in the current, pandemic-riddled landscape. Though the past year and a half has not been particularly kind to women, it is just one more set of challenges we will rise above. 

Build Your Network With Allies

Whether you’re looking to change professions, trying to get back into the workforce, or simply wanting to grow as a professional, having a robust network of driven, like-minded allies is imperative. Surround yourself with colleagues and co-professionals who challenge you to be better. Connect with them on projects, have daily chats about work, and learn from their strengths.

It can be even more beneficial to find professional friends outside of your exact industry. Look for adjacent careers that interest you, and meet up with leaders or existing colleagues in order to expand your areas of expertise, create a web of contacts, and spread your name throughout multiple industries. 

Find Sponsors Who Care About Your Growth

A potent network is just the first step. Having a professional mentor has often been a decisive advantage in advancing your career path. In the post-pandemic world, it is more important than ever. When looking for sponsors, don’t just search for executive-level employees with whom you feel comfortable. Instead, ally yourself with influential individuals within the business. A sponsor will see your worth and want to raise that value higher as a (friendly) benefit to themselves by adding to their already-powerful professional network.

High-value sponsors have access to exclusive contacts and lucrative contracts. They also have the ear of those who determine raises and promotions. Look for those in your business who are known to go beyond simply “getting the job done.” You may not want to follow their exact working style, but you can still learn from them. 

These are just a handful of helpful resources that can help you navigate your potential advancement in the current, pandemic-riddled landscape. Though the past year and a half has not been particularly kind to women, it is just one more set of challenges we will rise above. 

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]]>"She-cession" Proof: Post-Pandemic Career Tips for WomenVictoria PynchonFri, 27 Aug 2021 18:42:21 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/0827/need-a-raise-hire-someone-whos-proven-best-at-negotiating-her-own-compensation5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:61293132846e1d4b469dce93

Not that long ago, the social scientists who research these things concluded that lawyers negotiate raises better than other professionals do. As work-life balance expert Jen Hubley Luckwaldt explained in Negotiate Like a Lawyer if You Want a Raise,

It might surprise you to learn that level of educational attainment doesn't make a huge difference, in terms of who asks for a raise. Holders of bachelor's, master's, MBAs, and JDs all have the same rate of negotiating salary: 43 percent. The difference comes in when we look at who actually gets what they ask for -- and in that category, the lawyers have it over everyone else, with a whopping 59 percent saying they got the raise they wanted. 

Luckwaldt says lawyers do it better because they do their research, support their arguments and confidently make their case, all principles with which I agree. But I'd say the defining characteristic of a lawyer negotiator is her ability to justify anything.

We Rationalize Desired Results in the Face of Opposition Every Business Day

Lawyers are good at rationalizing numbers like raises because it's something we do pretty much all day every day. That's what makes us confident. It's not our JD degree, our affiliation with a powerful law firm, or our law school experiences. It's practice, practice, practice.

Our best arguments get shot down on a daily basis. When that happens, we craft a better one, shift the ground under our opponents' feet, re-characterize the problem or change the conversation. If we argue personal experience and are met with statistics, we find different statistics to support our position. If we're relying on experts and you're relying on folk wisdom, we find the old country lawyer somewhere inside us to trump that card as well.

We don't always win. But we never, ever give up, even after the highest court in the land turns us away. We find new plaintiffs to file new lawsuits arguing a different reason why Amazon is violating antitrust laws or wedding planners can’t use the excuse of religious beliefs to refuse to provide their services to gay couples.

So when raise time rolls around, we take our practiced justification experience and apply it directly to the wound of our below-market pay. And we don't stop negotiating when someone says "no." Someone says "no" to us on a daily basis, sometimes on multiple occasions. Our opponents say "no" to our settlement proposals. Trial judges say "no" to our requests for relief before trial. Juries say "no" to our pleas for a favorable verdict. Appellate judges say "no" when we ask them to reverse the rulings of the lower court.

"No" is catnip to lawyers. It’s the fuel that starts our every working day. 

With all due modesty, if you feel uncertain, unpracticed and unprepared to ask for and get a 10-20% raise this year, particularly if you're a woman suffering from the wage gap, you couldn't do better than to hire a lawyer turned negotiation consultant with 25-years of experience justifying her clients' desired results to skilled opponents, bored judges and confused juries.

Book a $200 hour to see how I can help. I guarantee you won’t regret it.

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]]>Need a Raise? Hire Someone Who’s Proven Best at Negotiating Her Own CompensationVictoria PynchonFri, 20 Aug 2021 20:02:13 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/0825/5-ways-to-become-better-at-negotiating5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:612009ac13ec0c72dcd11f79

You Do Not Have to Be Ruthless

Women have ideas about negotiation that have been largely created by the movies. I had them too. Negotiators (read: salesmen) were con artists taking advantage of the innocent (Tin Men - aluminum siding salesmen); Glengarry Glen Ross (selling swampland in Florida to "marks") The Boiler Room (junk bonds); nearly every episode of Entourage (Hollywood agentry); and, most recently, The Wolf of Wall Street (res ipsa).

These are portraits of ruthless, often sociopathic, men on the make, working the short or the long con. Money is the goal. People are the means. The play is ruthless. And women don't like that. A lot of men don't like that either, but six months after negotiation training, 98% of the men and only 40% of the women are using the strategies and tactics they were taught.

Why?

Because, the women reported, the approaches taught to them required them to be inauthentic, manipulative, and, conniving. For a three to five percent raise, they'd rather skip it and feel good about the woman in the mirror in the morning.

It's Better to Be Good

The good news, confirmed by the Harvard Program on Negotiation, is that it's better to be "good" (helpful, caring, interested, authentic, warm) than it is to be "bad" when what you're doing is having a conversation leading to agreement.

Here's what you have to do.

1. Know your value and stick to it.

2. Start 3 to 5 moves above your goal because you need room to make the concessions your bargaining partner will inevitably ask you to make and, as a bonus, people are happier when you make several concessions than if you accept what they thought they wanted in the first place (think: buyer's remorse).

3. You need to be capable of walking away from the negotiation table, that is, you must know and be willing to concede to a no-deal option.

4. You need to know what to do in the face of hard-ball competitive bargaining tactics.

5. You need to learn the grammar of the negotiations in which you’re already engaged on a daily basis.

What negotiations are those?

The one where you ask for the best associate in the firm to be assigned to your trial team; the one where you ask for a bigger office; the one where you stand your ground on the necessity of paying the speakers your business brings in to teach your women how to negotiate; and, yes, the one I’m currently failing at – the negotiation with your husband over control of the thermostat (at exactly what time do we get to turn off the air conditioning and open and %$#^% windows?).

Those negotiations!

Ruthless is old school.

New school is knowing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement, standing your ground, seeking common interests, trading across differing issues (low cost to you/high value to your bargaining partner); and, pitching your proposals as satisfying your negotiation partners’ needs, desires, goals, preferences, and, priorities.

These are the strategies and tactics that have been proven, over and over again, to create better negotiated resolutions for all parties. It’s called interest-based, mutual benefit, principled, problem-solving or value-creating negotiation.

It’s what we women do naturally.

If we’re not doing it for our own benefit, we’re, frankly, just being schmucks. And the one thing I know about business and professional women in this - we went to school to learn our trade or rose up in the ranks without the need of fancy degrees so we'd never ever be victimized like our mothers or grand-mothers or great-grandmothers once were.

Go out and get them, Ladies. The world is your oyster and you deserve what you can negotiate.

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]]>5 Ways To Become Better At NegotiatingVictoria PynchonTue, 10 Aug 2021 17:45:54 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/0817/5-tips-to-negotiating-salary-as-a-woman-in-the-workplace5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:6112b9cf6fdf39727e7ffd33

Learn how to determine your market value and how to fix the gender wage gap in the workplace!

It’s been nearly 10 years since Sara Laschever and Linda Babcock launched a new phase of the women’s movement. Laschever and Babcock's book: Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide, explores the gender wage gap. The authors discuss how women lag behind their male colleagues when it comes to negotiating salary, bonuses, promotions, and perks. The reason behind this gender pay gap is quite simple. Women aren't taught to ask for these things when negotiating their offers. 

It's no secret that women don’t like negotiating salary—and they aren’t going to like it anytime soon. This fact shouldn’t be a surprise to any of us.

Our culture has made women reluctant to do anything perceived as "self-serving". In the rare cases where a woman works up the nerve to negotiate her salary, she's likely to experience “gender blow-back”.  This is a subtle—but powerful—punishment for stepping outside traditional gender roles.

The good news is, you can learn how to fix the gender wage gap. The solutions to this problem can even be easily applied. As a woman, learning tips to negotiating salary will help you overcome the gender pay gap. 

Next time you're negotiating salary, don't let it overwhelm you. Remember: negotiation is simply a conversation leading to an agreement. Next time you're negotiating salary, make sure you:

• Learn how to determine your market value

• Ask the right "diagnostic questions"

• Frame your proposals as mutually beneficial 

• Stand your ground

• Practice your skills

Here’s a process that my partner, Lisa Gates, and I have found consistently delivers better results for women. When you’re willing to step up to the plate and seek compensation that reflects your value, you will learn how to fix the gender wage gap. 

1. Learn how to determine your market value

As women, there are many reasons why we tend to underestimate our worth. One simple fact is simply that we’ve gotten used to being paid 20 to 30 percent less than our male colleagues.

You need to first get a handle on how to determine your market value—that is independent of your gender. Once you discover this, you're working towards more productive negotiation conversations.

Don't let the idea of negotiating salary overwhelm you. A negotiation is simply a conversation between two or more people, where the purpose is to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. 

The good news for women is that we tend to love good conversations, and we’re also pretty fond of agreement. Just because we hate the word “negotiation” so much, let’s just call it a conversation from here on out.

2. Ask the right “diagnostic questions” 

If you want to reach an agreement when negotiating salary, you need to know what the other party wants. You need to learn their needs, desires, fears, preferences, and priorities. An easy way to do this is by asking open-ended questions that reveal the other party's true wants.

Professor Leigh Thompson at the Northwestern University Kellogg School of Business studies negotiations. Thompson learned 93 percent of all negotiators fail to ask “diagnostic questions”. Asking these questions would significantly improve outcomes.

Thompson's research shows the skilled 7 percent of negotiators get ahead, simply by asking the right questions. One of the most important tips to negotiating salary is asking open-ended questions.

3. Frame your proposals as mutually beneficial

Once you know what your negotiation partner wants, you can offer to provide it right from the start. 

Remember Oliver, the orphan shamed for asking for another spoon of gruel? If Oliver had begun his negotiation by offering rather than asking, he could have ended  up with a much better breakfast.

Imagine if Oliver had approached the headmistress with an offer to clean the dining hall and polish the flatware after breakfast... “I’d be able to include a shoe shine for both you and the headmaster if I only had a little additional gruel, and perhaps an egg for energy". 

Perhaps Oliver wouldn’t have gotten everything he wanted that way. But, he would've had a far better chance. 

Next time you find yourself ready to negotiate, be sure to start off noting the benefits you can provide. One of the most important tips to negotiating salary successfully, is how you frame your ask. 

4. Stand your ground when negotiating salary

Have you tried all the above tips, but nothing seems to work? I’m not surprised. I’ve had some pretty high-flying executive clients shamed for seeking a 20 percent raise. But I’ve also seen them walk through that shame, resulting in 30 to 40 percent increases in pay.

If you know how to stand your ground, or as I like to say play “tit for tat," you will go far in the salary negotiation process. When you stand your ground, your negotiation partner often feels guilty for having a temper. They regret getting angry by you simply asking for what you deserve.

“I’m surprised that you’re angry," one of my clients said to her negotiation partner after I’d taught her this strategy. “I assumed a law firm as prestigious as yours was paying market rates." On another occasion, she used silence. This brought not only a quick apology—but an additional concession as well.

Next time you find yourself having to respond to insults when negotiating salary:

• Respond with dignity

• Penalize your negotiation partner for their outburst with a proportional punishment

• Quickly return to cooperation when they apologize 

By implementing these steps, you can turn your superior’s harrumph into your triumph in short order.

5. Consistently practice negotiation

You can't expect to learn everything about negotiating your salary overnight. It takes practice, and every situation is different.

I encourage you to practice your skills and learn more about the psychology behind negotiation. I recommend that you pick up Laschever’s and Babcock’s second book, titled "Ask for It!". In this book, the authors describe negotiation as a workout. Just like you stay active to keep your muscles in shape, negotiation is the same. It is a skill that needs practice in order to develop. 

Start by recognizing that every time you pull out your wallet, you have the ability to practice negotiation. You’ll find most retail establishments will negotiate even though we’re a price-tag culture. At the least, most stores will offer to set a purchase aside until an upcoming sale. I’ve negotiated at Bloomingdales and Macys in this manner and it’s worked every time.

Our biggest tips to negotiating salary are to start small and build your skillset over time. Before you know it, you'll be confidently asking for what you want and deserve. You won't have to spend another minute without worrying about how to fix the gender wage gap!

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]]>5 Tips to Negotiating Salary as a Woman in the WorkplaceVictoria PynchonFri, 06 Aug 2021 23:10:25 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/08010/the-diagnostic-questions-you-need-to-ask5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:610dbee54913b937b382862e

Ask the right salary negotiation questions, to get the increase in salary you want! 

Diagnostic questions are the cornerstone of interest-based negotiation strategies and tactics. Asking the right questions can help you see the increase in salary and benefits that you want.

The types of salary negotiation questions you need to ask are simple—who, what, where, when, why and how. Though simple, these questions reveal powerful insights about hidden interests. These insights can greatly increase your chances of getting what you want.

Diagnostic questions reveal the needs, wants, priorities, fears, and limitations your boss has. Rarely do our superiors lay all their hands on the table when talking salary negotiation. But by asking the right questions, you can uncover them. This helps you stand a better chance at increasing your salary, while still keeping your boss happy.

Diagnostic questions are particularly useful to women. Women too often experience gender “blow back” when asking for something for themselves. But when they know what their bargaining partners really want to accomplish, they can better advocate for themselves.  This helps women lead with benefit, making the salary negotiation seem more collaborative.

Our bosses generally want the same things we do. They want to be effective in their jobs, avoid conflicts, stay within budget, please their bosses, and chart a path to promotion. During times of economic uncertainty, they're also just focused on keeping their jobs. How they plan to accomplish those goals, however, is as idiosyncratic as the ways in which we wish to fulfill our own needs.

Here are some tips on how to ask for a raise by using diagnostic questions. Diagnostic questions attempt to assess your boss' interests, so you can see the increase in salary you want. Start off by asking:

“How’s business?”

This is an amazingly productive question. Think about it: We’re recovering from the worst pandemic in world history since the bubonic plague. Though unemployment is up, there’s a labor shortage. This means you’re likely working beyond your job description, with fewer resources, and for less money. Many of my clients’ promotions and raises were delayed beginning in the Spring of 2020, and many companies are just letting that delay ride. However, I know you're working harder and longer. You’re driving significant revenues, saving costs, and keeping your teams motivated. You more than deserve an increase in salary.

Anecdotally, I’ve heard that even though revenues plummeted in 2020, so did costs. This particularly applied to the enormous reduction in travel costs. A major pharmaceutical company reported its profits were up, despite its less than stellar revenue stream. This was simply because costs were so low. The question “how’s business” could easily result in a similar response. “We’re doing better now than before the pandemic."

Then you dig deeper.

“I’m happy to hear that. What do you attribute our success to?"

This approach is not only flattering, but it also requires a well thought-out response. Listen, and keep on asking diagnostic questions. You want to get the full picture of the business success your company is experiencing. Persistence will pay off either in information you can use to justify a raise (“So, business is great—but I haven’t had a raise in five years,”) or in an admission that business, frankly, blows. And in that case, move on to:

“How can I help?”

I’ve been in the business world for nearly 40 years now, and I can safely say I've never heard anyone turn away help.

However, I have heard, “There’s nothing you can do to help, but thanks for asking.” This response is typically offered to avoid either a painful topic or an extended conversation.

If the former, do what all negotiators are taught to do at the commencement of any deal. Begin to create an atmosphere of hope and safety.

“I know it may seem as if I can’t personally help, but I’ve got an entire division of potential help at my fingertips.” That offer suggests that there is hope for a solution. The modesty of your proposal signals a genuine desire to be of assistance, which is an early building block of trust and safety. If you're on the hunt for tips on how to ask for a raise, asking "how can I help" and digging deeper, will set you up for success. Once you make it to this point, dig even further:

“What resources would you need to crack that nut?”

Here’s where you really get into the good stuff. You're subconsciously beginning to help your employer problem-solve, by breaking the dilemma into manageable pieces. Whether it’s a human or material resource problem, you can offer to call in favors or simply to brainstorm possible solutions.

You can also try:

• Who do you believe might be able to help us accomplish that goal?

• What interim steps are necessary to fulfill those requirements?

• When does management need the plan, and who can greenlight it?

• Why has management decided we need to meet these goals in so short a time?

• Where might we look for help in getting this job done?

Listen very, very carefully to the themes and problems your negotiating partner brings up over and over. Is it budget constraints? A problem department or employee?

“What Do You Think About This?”

After you’ve diagnosed your superior’s interests—including obstacles to their fulfillment—offer up your own proposal. This should justify an increase in salary for you, while also satisfying your company's needs. 

For example, “I’ve got an excellent relationship with your superior’s brother. In fact, we’ve been friends since the late ’90s. I rarely tap my friendships for business advantage, but I can see us acting as a team to get us both what we’re looking to accomplish here. I want to move into a leadership role and you want to incentivize your boss to pull that obstacle out of your way."

"What do you think? Would teaming up make sense?”

If you don’t have people resources, by all means think hard about developing them. You can also use your underused skills to help solve a superior’s or department’s pressing problems. "I know my current job doesn’t require me to use my IT management skills, but they saved my last company about 20% annually when I helped with company training. I could use your help in accessing clients more often and assignments that are more likely to advance me to the next level.”

By simply engaging in a problem solving conversation, you have put yourself on the company’s side of the table. You and me has become we. You’re a partner in the solution, and a willing and able resource in the problem solving process. In a win-win scenario, you’ve made yourself an indispensable partner in fulfilling the company’s needs and your goals at the same time.

These questions can be adopted as an opening negotiation strategy in just about every circumstance. These tips on how to ask for a raise will work whether you want an increase in salary, a promotion, more flex time, or additional training to advance in the organization.

To learn more, check out our free list of diagnostic questions to increase salary, set prices, and ask effective salary negotiation questions at  SheNegotiates.com.

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]]>How to Get an Increase in Salary: The Diagnostic Questions you need to askVictoria PynchonFri, 30 Jul 2021 20:01:23 +0000https://www.shenegotiates.com/blog/2021/0804/3-steps-to-confronting-a-co-worker5990a0313e00bea41c0b17a7:59b9a121e975f52a45451ec1:610459ce3f74c96308b8e9c3

Let’s start that single word: confrontation. 

Every day of every work week, people avoid confrontations because they don’t want to address (or create!) hostility at work. Nor do they want to antagonize their co-workers, subordinates, or superiors.

And that’s a good thing. The surest way to start an argument you may never be able to resolve is to think of any conversation as a confrontation. So I’m going to ask you to remove that word from your vocabulary and replace it with the word conversation. 

A confrontation suggests that you’re preparing to blame someone for something. Blame triggers shame, shame creates a defensive state of mind, and a defensive state of mind makes people dig in their heels to justify their conduct and vilify yours.

A conversation suggests an opportunity to share your concerns and listen—without judgment—to someone else’s narrative of events. It suggests understanding differences and identifying similarities. Conversation that doesn’t assess blame tends to lead to understanding and problem solving. And problem solving tends to lead to…a problem being solved! 

After a twenty-five year litigation and trial career followed by a decade of helping lawyers resolve disputes and more than ten years as a negotiation consultant, I find that people reach resolution (without ill feelings) if they follow  three easy conversational steps. I’ll illustrate these steps with the help of a hypothetical co-worker named Stephen, a man who just presented your thoughts (your thoughts!) as his own during a recent team meeting.

1. Open the Conversation With Praise

Everyone responds favorably to praise, and everyone has done something praiseworthy during recent memory. So come up with a compliment before you even start the conversation.

You: Do you have a minute?

Stephen: Sure.

You: I wanted to talk to you about yesterday’s team meeting. I liked your idea about splitting up the team, by the way. If you need any help brainstorming that, just let me know.

Stephen: Oh, thanks.

2. Express Your Concerns Without Casting Blame

Say how you feel, the way you interpreted events, and the way those events affected you—without suggesting that your co-worker intentionally harmed you.

You: There were a couple of times that I felt you were taking credit for some of my work, as well as contributing your own great ideas. That whole firm retreat schedule, for instance, was pretty much word for word taken from the memo I sent you. By the time it was my turn to speak at the meeting, I didn’t have anything else to add to the conversation, which made me look unprepared.

Stephen: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest they were my own ideas. Remember when we had long conversations about that protocol? I thought we could both take credit for it.

3. Respond to Your Co-worker’s Explanation by Reflecting it Back to Him

This is a great opportunity to drive home why the behavior bothered you and offer suggestions for how it can be avoided in the future. 

You: You’re right that we had some general discussions on that topic. Frankly, I thought the protocol was mine. I’m happy to share credit with you in the future. I’m just hoping you’ll do the same. 

Stephen: I get that. Again, I didn’t mean to cut you out, but I can see your point of view. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I’ll try to do better in the future.

Now, this is admittedly a rosy view of how people speak to each other at work. But if you follow these steps, you’re much more likely to get results from your conversation than you would by simply casting blame on another. That’s what you want when you confront someone—you blame them and expect positive results. Not a recipe for resolution. 

In my work as a negotiation consultant, I often work through conversations like this with my clients. They often learn that the conflict they believed existed wasn’t what their co-worker had in mind at all. Most workplace conflicts arise from misunderstandings or, at worst, thoughtless behavior. 

When you seek to understand, rather than justify yourself at another’s expense, you create an environment that’s open to clarifying misunderstandings, correcting thoughtless behavior, identifying true areas of difference, reaching shared understandings, and fixing the problem you were justifiably afraid to confront.

Want to get your work team out of the doldrums, off their Facebook pages and away from office cooler lolly gagging, backbiting, and malingering? Try lying to them.

As the New York Times explained in 32 Innovations That Will Change Your Tomorrow (No. 18, the Liar’s Workout) social scientists who engaged in a little “strategic lying” produced improved performance in the research lab. As the Times explained.

For a [recent] study, human cyclists were pitted against a computer-generated opponent moving at, supposedly, the exact speed the cyclist had achieved in an earlier time trial.

In fact, the avatars were moving 2 percent faster, and the human cyclists matched them, reaching new levels of speed.

Psychoanalysts and child development experts have a benign term for this sort of white lie when mothers tell it to their toddlers and therapists to their patients. It’s called positive distortion. And when it’s done with positive emotion, it’s called positive affective coloration. All mothers, therapists and employers have to do to enhance performance with these slight beneficial falsehoods is to act as if their charges are able to speak or act just a little bit better than they’re actually able to. Baby says ba and mom, clapping her hands in delight, says good baby! Ballllllll.

Ba to Balllll and the two percent increase used in the research lab take place in what psychologist Lev Vygotsky calls the zone of proximal development. This is the space in which all learning takes place. It permits baby, client and employee to take a manageable stretch from fumbling to reliably catching; from inattention to diligence, from biting all my finger nails to biting only nine, then eight, then seven. This is the environment in which new habits can successfully be formed and old ones broken. It’s the relationship that allows the baby to get from ba to BIGBLUEBALL without undue effort.

Psychoanalyst and healthcare manager Dr. Anne LaBorde says everything good that happens between a therapist and a client or between and manager and her team, takes place in a manageable stretch. Step by step, she believes, absolutely anything is possible. As she said in an interview with me several years ago.

As biologists, we pretty well know how we evolved from fish in the sea. But if you and I were living on fish planet and I told you that one day the fish would become human beings, you’d call me crazy. But that’s exactly what happened, in manageable stretches, over the course of evolutionary history.

Manage the Stretch

Go ahead and give it a try. Don’t expect the worst from your human resources. Act as if your staff is doing a slightly better job than they are and see how long it takes them to live up to your positive distortions and start delivering the highest quality work product necessary to survive in this postrecessionary economy.

As Anne Lamott said in her guide to writing for beginners, Bird by Bird, E.L. Doctorow said that ‘Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’ You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you.

She Negotiates will be hosting a podcast within the month, so stay tuned. Our first guest will be psychoanalyst and health care administrator Dr. Anne LaBorde!

Not that long ago, I was flying home from a speaking engagement next to a woman who was diligently preparing what appeared to be a financial analysis. As the plane was rolling down the runway, she snapped her computer shut and looked over to smile at me.

“Looming deadline?” I asked.

She shook her head and said, “There’s always a deadline.”

We chatted amiably for a few minutes before I began asking the kind of questions I always ask of women on the road. What they do for a living, whether they enjoy their work, and when they last asked for a raise.

“I’m pregnant,” she said, “so I didn’t ask for a raise this year. I won’t even be getting a bonus because I’m taking the last two months of the year off.”

I suggested that she ought to be getting 80% of her bonus since she will have worked 80% of the year, at which point she said she’d be lowering her ambitions for quite some time what with the baby and all. She thought she wouldn’t be able to develop business the way her colleagues were. She was so certain of this that she’d given a younger male colleague the credit for business she’d developed that year—a two million dollar account.

I wish this story were uncommon. Unfortunately, I’ve talked to hundreds of high performers who accept far less than they are due for a myriad of reasons, some because they’re planning on starting a family soon and others because they took one or two years off when they first had children. Others don’t seek a raise or counter a low-ball first compensation offer because they’re afraid the offer will be withdrawn or that they’ll be punished in some other way simply because they ask to be paid their true market value.

To encourage women like my accidental traveling companion to ask for the compensation to which they’re entitled, I give you eight facts that should scare you into asking for a raise.

1. Whatever You’re Earning in Your 40s Is the Most You’ll Likely Ever Earn

According to a study conducted by Payscale.com, college-educated men’s earnings peak at 48, while women’s stall at 39, nearly 10 years earlier. (No wonder there’s a staggering pay gap at the top of the pay scale!). So, if you’re thinking that you’ll negotiate “next time,” when you’re that much more experienced, don’t put it off any longer. You don’t have that much time.

2. Repaying Your Student Loans Will Probably Take a While

The standard repayment plan for federal student loans puts borrowers on a 10-year track to pay off their debt, but research has shown average bachelor's degree holders take 21 years to pay off their loans. That means, even if you’re single and living with roommates now, you’ll still be paying these off at the same time you’re saving the down payment for a house, socking money away for your children’s education, and (ideally) putting additional sums into your 401K or IRA to start preparing for retirement.

3. If You Want to Send Your (Eventual) Kid to College, You Need to Save $425 Every Month

According to the “World’s Simplest College Cost Calculator,” if you plan on sending your kid to a public college for four years, you need to start saving at least $425 a month from the day she’s born to the moment you drop her off at her new home on campus. And that’s according to a March 2016 figure. If your child isn’t even a figment in your imagination yet, that number’s likely to go up even more.

4. Single Motherhood for College-Educated Women Over 35 Is Increasing

Although divorce among married college graduates has been in decline for sometime, so has marriage. Recently, only one group of unmarried women have seen their birthrates increase—those 35 and over. Whether those women were divorced before their first (or second!) child or were never married, they will likely be the sole wage earners for most or all of their children’s lives.

5. The Wage Gap Will Likely Widen as Millennial Women Age

There’s both good and bad news for women between the ages of 25 to 34. A 2015 Pew Research survey shows their hourly earnings were 93% of their male peers. Whether women will be able to keep pace, however, may depend largely on them. Previous generations of women have fallen behind their male counterparts as they have aged and dealt with the responsibilities of parenthood and family.

6. Women Slide Into Poverty During Their Retirement Years

Women who are over 65 today are nearly twice as likely to live below the poverty line. As CNN recently reported, women over 65 are living on an income of $16,000 per year while their male counterparts have $11,000 more to spend on necessities every year. And at that annual income, it’s all necessities. This is unsurprising for today’s female retirees given the size of the pay gap during their lifetimes, but absent constant vigilance, the smaller millennial pay gap can easily increase over time. If you earn less now, reach your peak earnings at 39, and live 20 to 30 years post-retirement, much of your “golden years” will be spent simply struggling to survive.

7. You’re Leaving Half a Million Dollars on the Table

A couple of researchers recently cautioned job seekers not to leave money on the table. In Who Asks and Who Receives in Salary Negotiation they found that employees who negotiated their compensation increased their annual pay an average of $5,000. They warned that if a 25-year-old who fails to negotiate a starting salary of $55,000 instead of the $50,000 on the table, over a 40-year career, that individual will lose more than half a million dollars. That’s $634,000 to be exact.

8. There’s Little to No Risk in Asking

This has likely been eye-opening enough for you, so let’s end with a not-so-scary fact: The VP of Human Resources for CareerBuilder says that nearly half of all employers surveyed said they had more money than initially offered, but 49% of all job candidates—male and female—simply didn’t ask for it. And there goes your last excuse for not asking for more.

6. Women Slide Into Poverty During Their Retirement Years

Women who are over 65 today are nearly twice as likely to live below the poverty line. As CNN recently reported, women over 65 are living on an income of $16,000 per year while their male counterparts have $11,000 more to spend on necessities every year. And at that annual income, it’s all necessities. This is unsurprising for today’s female retirees given the size of the pay gap during their lifetimes, but absent constant vigilance, the smaller millennial pay gap can easily increase over time. If you earn less now, reach your peak earnings at 39, and live 20 to 30 years post-retirement, much of your “golden years” will be spent simply struggling to survive.

7. You’re Leaving Half a Million Dollars on the Table

A couple of researchers recently cautioned job seekers not to leave money on the table. In Who Asks and Who Receives in Salary Negotiation they found that employees who negotiated their compensation increased their annual pay an average of $5,000. They warned that if a 25-year-old who fails to negotiate a starting salary of $55,000 instead of the $50,000 on the table, over a 40-year career, that individual will lose more than half a million dollars. That’s $634,000 to be exact.

8. There’s Little to No Risk in Asking

This has likely been eye-opening enough for you, so let’s end with a not-so-scary fact: The VP of Human Resources for CareerBuilder says that nearly half of all employers surveyed said they had more money than initially offered, but 49% of all job candidates—male and female—simply didn’t ask for it. And there goes your last excuse for not asking for more.