Back…19 years ago…my husband qualified for a trip allowing  us to go to Paris. Being about 3 months pregnant and at that awkward in between stage where your clothes don’t fit but you are not ready for the elastic waist band and the maternity clothes I decided to borrow a skirt from my sister to complete my wardrobe.

The opportunity arose to wear the skirt for our excursion on the Seine River boat cruise as we lazily floated down the river taking in the sights of the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame cathedral. The evening also included marking the  22 bridges we encountered by an uproarious cheer  as we passed under each bridge.

Having  finished dinner  and feeling rather constricted, given the meal and my “condition,” I loosened a few buttons on my skirt. People were starting to take advantage of the dance floor and a gentleman sitting directly across from me asked me to dance. I accepted and quickly stood up to get to the dance floor…my skirt had other ideas!

So here I am  standing with only my nylons and my underwear on directly in his line of sight. My first memory is of his face…wide eyed and rather shocked looking, and definatly speechless. My husband pulled me down and explained that my skirt wasn’t going along for the dance. I was embarrassed of course and tried to hide from the dude the rest of the night reliving his facial expression.

When I think about it now I was wearing more than I normally wear at the beach. Funny how we judge ourselves based on the circumstances and society norms. Glad I had that epiphany…I can laugh about it now!

What embarrassing moments have you had and can you look at them with a new perspective now?

I sit in one of my most favorite places in the world – a coffee shop. I love the energy of people creating within their own space. I love the smell of the coffees, teas, and specialty drinks. Today, a mellow Saturday afternoon, my coffee shop is especially quiet. The typical hum of activity seems a bit different. On this Saturday, my husband and I agreed to spend our day doing what we needed to complete. He doing his physics homework, and me preparing for a business workshop and quiet afternoon of writing; I am in my element! On this quiet Saturday, I noticed the décor of my coffee shop in a new light; banners throughout the ceiling highlighting coffee beans from various parts of the world. I never really noticed those before. I reflected for a moment on my experience in my part of the world; safety, freedom, choice, opinion, and open expression for what I believe. I paused at each ‘bag of beans’ and wondered what a woman of my age would be doing. Would she be able to speak her opinion? Would she be able to make choices about how she spent her time? Would her life be filled with joy, freedom, and safety? Does she need help? Do I need to do something to add to her world?

What do you notice around you? What are you willing to see?

1.  Count what is good. Spend time, quiet time, counting the blessings in your life. We all have them, even in times of strife. Hush the hurry around you to truly see the good, healthy, and whole gifts you possess. Celebrate this reality and give heartfelt thanks.

2.  See the need.  Be willing to see beyond the ‘pink paint’ and recognize what is truly needed. Be willing to put your mind in someone else’s life experience to better understand their choices and realities. In those moments we come together and are able to create peace even in the midst of chaos and confusion.

3.  Pay it forward.  A dear friend taught me this lesson throughout his life. Give to another with no intent of being rewarded yourself. Offer a need that another has and simply walk away knowing you made a difference. (The blessings you receive in living this way are magical!)

What life experience of another will you be willing to see and improve today?

~ LaChelle Williams

*Note:Blog originally published December 2010.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

My oldest daughter turned me into a mother 18 years ago. As an educated 26-year-old woman, I thought I knew a lot about life. My daughter made realize that I knew almost nothing. She enlightened me about how I could deeply, fully, completely and sometimes insanely love and want to protect another human being. She showed me how to access the deepest, most sensitive, caring, vulnerable and loving parts of my being.  She unleashed a love within me that I really did not even know existed—the kind of love that brings both elation and despair to levels that are almost inconceivable (unless, of course, you are a mother).

With the celebration of Mother’s Day this month, it is only appropriate to take some time to explore motherhood, and all that it entails.  Over the past 18 years, in addition to mothering, I have been examining and writing about motherhood, especially for the past three. During this time, I have interviewed nearly 400 mothers about the trials and tribulations of motherhood, and have packaged their stories along with many of my own into a book entitled, Expect the Unexpected: The Best Kept Secrets of Modern Motherhood.

Currently, I am in the process of wrapping up the writing and editing of this book, which ends with a chapter entitled “Lessons and Letting Go.” I realize that I have once again reached unknown and “unexpected” territory of my motherhood journey with my oldest daughter. I did the “mom job,” which entailed 18 years of caring for, loving, nurturing and teaching her important life lessons. I certainly didn’t do it all perfectly, in fact, I did none of it perfectly, but thankfully she turned out all right. She is going to college, she has wonderful friends, and has what has always been the most important thing to me, the ability to give and receive love.

But here is where the mom job description gets very murky. The part that does not adequately explain how after 18 years of pouring your heart and soul into your child, you need to step back, move out of the way, close your eyes and let her go. This is one of the many places where motherhood is truly and completely a culmination of both joy and pain.  I am elated that my daughter turned out to be a wonderful person, a person with whom I love spending time, and a person who I truly believe makes this world a better place. BUT, as one mom who I interviewed for my book so eloquently stated, “The letting go thing sucks! No one tells you how bad it is.”

As you have “letting go moments” along the child-rearing journey, like sending your child to kindergarten or to overnight camp, you feel a similar kind of joy mixed with pain. But this final leg of the journey in which I am preparing to do the letting go “biggie,” has been downright excruciating for me. I find myself compartmentalizing, trying to make sense of how it could be that when she was three years old, a feisty toddler, who demanded a great deal of my energy, I secretly sometimes wished the hours of the day would go faster. Or how during certain periods of her adolescent years, when I felt completely ignorant and helpless while trying to help her manage her mood swings, hormone rages, friend battles and boyfriend disasters, I wanted this stage to be OVER, for her to “get a grip” and grow up.

But now, as I look at her as a young adult who is just about ready to leave the nest, I want to put on the brakes and slow everything down.   I want to hold onto her a little longer, but all I can do is cherish every moment that she has left living in my house under my roof. And then, as as summer will turn to fall, I know that I will need to open up another space in my heart—one that is already starting to feel like a gaping hole—so I can do what is best for her, and convince myself that it is best for me—get out of her way and let her go.

Here was the plan:

- Prepare / eat oatmeal

- Finish making potato salad

- Walk Chubba (the dog)

- Finish breakfast (yogurt/fruit)

- Shower

- Bam! Be ready for action. The goal was to be sitting and working on SheTaxi by 8:30am.

I made it midway through my walk when things didn’t go as planned. Across the street from where I was walking I see a woman who is asking me a question, but, I can’t hear her because the car traffic getting the kiddos to school is thick. She begins to move to the end of her driveway, with two walking sticks, and asks me “is that a Chocolate Lab?” Yes. “Is it male or female?” Female. “Can I pet her?” Sure.

I proceed to see “Marty” walk across the street, as fast as someone with polio can, to come to our side  to meet Chubba. All the while, thankfully, the cars are slowing down and being respectful of her pace. I hadn’t met Marty before, but I had a brief conversation with her husband a couple years ago and he too was asking me about Chubba. In my head I thought ‘dog lovers, God bless’em. I get it.’

Marty makes it over to our side of the street and she’s actually standing on the edge the road, as I am sure climbing up the side of the curb would be tough. The first thing that struck me about Marty was ENERGY! She is a woman with a lot of spark and it is obvious to me that she has done everything she can to not let the polio slow her down.

Fairly quickly Marty says to me, “if you ever need a dog sitter, we’d be happy to have her.” Then she proceeds to share with me about their dog that died a couple of years ago and how much they miss having a dog around. During this time, Marty is staying upright with her two walking sticks, and trying to pet a dog that is distracted by scents and the possibility of her ball being thrown. Well, Marty loves it all and proceeds to slowly bend over to pick up Chubba’s ball she dropped at her feet.

We had been talking for about 10 minutes when in my head I thought, I need to get going. My 8:30am SheTaxi start time is upon me. Marty then mentions to me that she can’t leave her husband because his dementia has gotten bad and he panics when she isn’t around. He recently had surgery and she slept with him at the hospital so as ‘everything’ would go better, than if she wasn’t there. But, she didn’t sleep, after all, it’s hard to sleep in a chair or on a cot with polio.

Well, the time continues to go on and I try to move the conversation to, “I better get going.” Then she says to Chubba, “do you need a drink?” I thought, this is my out, I need to get home, we’ll just graciously decline and head back. Then I thought, nope, we’re going to Marty’s. This is a woman who is kind, cares for her husband full-time, on top of caring for herself and if giving Chubba some water and talking with me brightens her day, we’re going to do it. After all, she’s brightening mine.

Marty turns around and starts heading back to her house to get the hose to give Chubba a drink. We walk across the street with her and she heads up her sidewalk to get behind a bush to turn on the yellow hose. I offer to help her, as I’m thinking, I don’t want her to fall as she climbs over her steps and bends over to turn on the water. But nope, “she’s fine” although she did fall in the driveway last week and two of the nice neighbors helped her get up.

Marty and I continue to converse and then she realizes that I probably need to get going and apologizes for the overabundance of spit coming out of her mouth. Her muscles around the mouth are weak due to the polio. I thank her for the water and her kindness. I tell her I was so glad to meet her to which she says, “come by anytime and just knock on the door.”

The whole way home, I thought about Marty. I thought about how when I met her husband a few years ago, it made sense to me that some of the outside of the home wasn’t kept up due to his age. I didn’t know, until today, that his wife was living with him. Although the abundance of seasonal flowers makes more sense to me, as it seemed like a “woman’s touch” around the yard.

It will never be the same the next time I walk or drive by Marty’s house. I will probably smile every time I go by and keep my eyes open if there’s a chance to say “hi’. She touched my heart and I am thankful for my new friend. As for my plan, my 8:30am SheTaxi start-time, became 10:15am, for which I am glad. My day was all the better for it.

Think about how many times in your day or week you’re focused on getting, or doing something that interferes with your ability to see something right in front of you? Can you think of any “off the top of your head?”

Fuel up and enjoy the ride.

Breaking Patterns

In the past, I accepted a lack of reciprocity from two close friends. These relationships had significant history that I wanted to honor and continue building. Unfortunately, I felt increasingly disconnected during our interactions while my friends seemed content. Our conversations were becoming repetitive and more superficial than I wanted. These friends happily responded to questions about them, yet from my perspective did not reciprocate with the same level of curiosity about me. It seemed like they didn’t really listen when I talked and were unaware of or unconcerned with any communication imbalances.

I was afraid to rock these friendship boats. Rather than speaking up about my frustrations, I fell into the pattern of feeling dismissed and disappointed while hoping for more reciprocity and substance next time. My pattern became draining. I finally found the nerve to get real about reciprocity by expressing what it meant to me and asked for more. Likewise, I asked these friends how they felt I was showing up in our relationships and what they needed from me.

One friend reacted with such defensiveness and disrespect that I chose not to engage further. The other friend did not yet respond to my invitation to explore communication issues and deepen our relationship. I’m keeping this door open while understanding that silence speaks louder than words. These outcomes are sadly ironic and confirm the disconnections I addressed. Getting real about reciprocity was a liberating learning experience. The only regret I have is not getting real sooner.

Growing Pains

Asking for reciprocity without giving impressions of being critical is challenging. Explaining that a friendship lacks the depth, connectivity, and reciprocity you want is complicated. The most carefully chosen words, timing, and tone may not produce the results you intend. People may feel confused and hurt in response to you showing up differently within usual friendship dynamics instead of being open to relating in new ways. Certain friendships are not strong enough to be tested on this level. Although addressing reciprocity issues can be uncomfortable, more meaningful communication may blossom as a result. People can grow apart and back together again.

Reflect on what reciprocity means to you. Are you getting (and giving) the reciprocity you want in friendships? Why are you waiting to get real with friends? Honor yourself and proceed with caution, courage, and compassion. Let me know how getting real goes for you. I’m really interested.

In the meantime, check out this Psychology Today article about the need for self-disclosure, intimacy, and reciprocity in friendships.

Laughter is defined as: an expression or appearance of merriment or amusement, an inner quality, mood, disposition, etc., suggestive of happiness

Seek LAUGHTER!

So much of life can be challenging, stressful, and even frustrating. Turn off the news, put down the paper. LAUGH! Turn your attention to something light. Turn your attention to something funny; sing, dance, rejoice and enjoy. Watch a comedy, watch a child. Have fun with others, have fun by yourself. Just find a way to enjoy an experience and LAUGH!   

What moment will you allow yourself to experience LAUGHTER today?

~ LaChelle Williams

*Note: Blog originally published August 2010.

Cleaning out a parent’s home, especially when they’re still living, but unable to help, is strange, to say the least. Feelings of trespassing dogged me. (I had fantasies about Mom getting better—regaining her mental faculties—and showing up at her now empty house, stripped of her belongings, with bitter accusations of betrayal and theft.)  Feelings of relief and purpose also surfaced; I’d spent several years watching both she and the house deteriorate, powerless to make changes against her will. Feelings of déjà vu hovered; together my mother and I had performed many of these same tasks 16 years earlier in my grandmother’s house.

A lot can accumulate in a house that’s been lived in for 34 years. My mom loved feathering her nest, having several sets of tableware and what seemed like hundreds of small china vases, plates and objects that she had collected over the years. When I was younger, I remembered envisioning this day, and how I would inherit and cherish her possessions. Now, unattached to her, her stuff was just that—stuff—and I couldn’t wait to get rid of it. The only things I really wanted were her maple rolling pin, her book of handwritten recipes, and couple of rings she had worn. Let the neighbors, antiquers and thrifters carry off the rest.

Months of cleaning and repairing the house followed the estate sale, which was also healing. We couldn’t restore mom to wholeness, but we could bring the house back to life. Now it’s time for another letting go, as we welcome this new family to our old home. I hope the memories they make there will be happy ones.

-Susan Bonne

*Note: Blog originally published August 2010.

Ok, crack house could be taking it a bit far, but consider that each time you visit a convenience store temptation is near. Part of the temptation is the habit of just going to a place where there are sights and sounds and smells. Your senses get the brain ready for the additive property even before we put it into our bodies. The same reaction happens for convenience stores, fast food places and ice cream shops. Our experience and addiction begins before we actually put the substance into our bodies. What can we do?

Don’t Go Near, or Don’t Go In!

If I were recovering from drug addition, I would not go near a crack house because there would be too much temptation. Don’t tempt yourself with legal vises by going in or near a place that house your addictive property.

Convenience Stores

For convenience stores – pay at the pump. Pay at the pump is a great tool to use to keep us away from the temptations inside. If you are a road trip and using the bathroom, go and find the ever so small section of fruits and vegetables or even beef jerky. Another tip would be to be accountable to the person you are traveling with. Before the bathroom stop, let them know what you plan on purchasing. Or better yet, pack your own snacks for the road trip. Turn the habit of convenience store shopping on road trips to the experience of buying and packing healthy food that you enjoy for the trip and then pay at the pump.

Fast Food

For fast food – drive by, NOT drive through. Consider what else could you have? You could start packing healthy snacks or stop at the grocery store and pick up some deli meat, fruits and veggies. Or you could stop at a Subway (watch the chips and cookies) or other shop where you know you could have healthier choices. And, yes you could choose a salad at a fast food restaurant, but the temptation is great to order a side of fries. Drive by.

Ice Cream Shop

For ice cream shops – buy your own. Go to the grocery store and choose frozen yogurt or frozen fruit bars. Yes, they are harder to take along, but consider that with the money you save you could buy a cooler bag. There are even coolers that plug into your car charger and work like a small refrigerator so that you can buy your own and take it along.

It is a struggle everyday! Keep moving past your temptations and soon you will form a new habit – healthy!

My guess is that some of you have heard the song “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” by Neil Sedaka. Ugh and I am here to tell you  – IT IS HARD TO DO! I have not talked to my “soon-to-be” ex-boyfriend yet about “the end” and I am dreading it.

This decision did not come easily. The problem is that he is one of the “good guys.” He’s not an asshole. He’s not selfish. He’s not egotistical. He’s kind, consistent, steady, happy and easy to be with. Everyone “loves him” and probably won’t understand “how could I end it?” So, I’ll tell you why.

Well, we all have our own issues, don’t we? As much as I hate to say, I’ve got a bit of Type A personality in me. When I do things, I like to do them well and be continually improving myself. He, on the other hand tends to need some pushing to get things done and doesn’t share the interest in evolving and growing. There’s nothing wrong with that. For me, it is difficult to be with someone who doesn’t treat himself well and isn’t able to be emotionally intimate in a relationship. We’ve been dating for a couple of years and I can predict about 80% of what comes out of his mouth because he isn’t able to dig any deeper.

And, that’s where it gets tricky. He is one of my buddies. I haven’t been sexually interested in him for months because his lack of self-care has really turned me off. I never thought I would ever comment on someone’s weight, as I am no “skinny-minnie.” I think it ties more to his behaviors that put on the 25 pounds and seeing it in progress that turns me off. If I didn’t witness the unhealthy behaviors with food and lack of interest in physical movement, I’d probably think he was cute if I saw him on the street.

I’ve been debating in my head if this break-up is going to be “breaking news” to him. I can’t imagine he can think that things are going well?? But, in the denial-fantasy world that he loves to lives in, he probably does think things are the same as always. Needless to say, I don’t want to hurt him. I am glad for the time we’ve had together. He’s taught me that there are men who treat women with respect and genuinely want the best for them. For that, I am grateful. My hope is that he can open himself up fully to a woman and find an enriching relationship in his life. I have no hard feelings toward him. He’s a good guy, he’s just not my good guy.

~ Desi Driver, Team Taxi

*Note:  Blog originally published August 2011.

At the time, though I was good looking, I was insecure about my looks: athletic but never thin enough. Looking back at photos taken at the time, I’m struck by how pretty I was and how little I enjoyed it.  I’ve seen the same situation with my college students at the U of M. I’d look into their earnest faces and marvel at their beautiful skin, certain that they did not see them that way.

Our society capitalizes on women’s insecurities.

We’re paid less for the same jobs men do, because we’re afraid to ask for what we’re worth. Makeup, hair dye, weight loss, plastic surgery – industries too numerous to mention – make their livelihoods on our concerns about our looks. And this intensifies as we age.

When menopause occurs, the average woman gains 12-15 pounds between the ages of 45-55, according to a site devoted to educating women about the realities of menopause.  Most of us react with surprise when it happens to us, although we’ve observed this happening friends and relatives for years.

Obviously it’s in our best interests to maintain a healthy weight, but it isn’t easy. And it’s not helpful to ignore the realities of getting older. Instead of trying to look as good as we did when we were younger, a more realistic goal is to look and more importantly feel good, despite the inevitable signs of aging.

When we are constantly trying to live up to an impossible physical image created by industries that capitalize on our insecurities, we are playing into their grasping hands.

Instead, take a look in the mirror, find three things you like about how you look: the color of your eyes, the quality of your skin, the shape of your calves, etc. And capitalize on those attributes. Give them at least the same amount of attention you give the things you’d like to change. Feeling positive leads to positive behaviors.

And if someone asks you to describe yourself, list your best features. Don’t deprecate yourself, just because you’re getting older.