Thoughts of the Thought-Less

My Boat

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Mon, 20 Oct 2025 11:40:00 +0000

He overwhelms me, his love overwhelms me.

The other day we had an argument. He wanted me to cut off a friend. He said he wasn't jealous and he just hates the guy and thinks I shouldn't be friends with him.

I refused.

We moved on, or so I thought.

Maybe he moved on, maybe he will get back to it later.

But I stood there thinking of the right thing to do. I have always thought of my life as a small boat in a turbulent sea. I have always looked for company for the journey, someone who can sail, perhaps swim.

I have always thought of my life as a boat and then he comes and he offers me a shore.

He isn't going to sail my boat. He isn't going to tow my boat to his because his life isn't a boat in a turbulent sea.

He is an island.

He is rooted.

His love isn't raw like mine.

Unlike me he isn't a force of nature.

We had an argument about a friend, and I realized that he offers a shore.

And the question is whether or not I am ready to leave the boat behind. Whether or not I am ready to quit the sea and brave the unknown of the land.

He overwhelms me, his love is overwhelming and it isn't bad. it is overwhelmingly good.

18 years

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Thu, 12 Dec 2024 14:33:00 +0000

Hello world

Thank you for your patience

Youth Long Gone

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Tue, 08 Oct 2024 10:44:00 +0000

I am supposed to be in a stable relationship yet sometimes I can't help but miss one or two of my ex-boyfriends.

whom do I miss?

I miss HH the most. I miss the effort he used to put to get to me. I miss the many times he got out of his way just to drive me to places. How he never turned me down whenever I asked for help.

I miss how it was ok to just call him crying and complaining of things.

I also miss MMIB, I miss every single detail of our relationship. I miss our routine. I miss how he used to be jealous. I miss how we never ran out of conversation.

The truth is I miss them too much, and I don't know whether I really miss them or I am just longing for youth long gone.

Maybe I just miss being hopeful with life ahead of me.

Maybe I miss the time when it was ok to have expectations from a man.

I am not sure why I am missing them. But I deeply miss my ex-boyfriends though I am in a stable relationship with a man I deeply love.

Just 17

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Wed, 13 Dec 2023 08:22:00 +0000

Hello World!

It has been 17 years already.

Thanks for listening ❤️

15 years!

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sat, 04 Dec 2021 08:58:00 +0000

Hello world

Thanks for listening.

Stay tuned

Why Now?

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 21:20:00 +0000

So, why i am back to blogging?!

Well, I believe no one reads the blog. So this gives me the freedom to scream without being "judged".

And I feel super lonely. I feel unheard. No one hears me. I have been screaming my heart out and no one cares.

And honestly I am super tired.

I don't think I can do it anymore.

So .. hear I am.

Pouring my heart to my dear void.

Lessons:1/365

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 10:24:00 +0000

Hello world

I decided to get back to blogging.

I will start by writing at least one lesson I learned each day.

My goal is to learn something new everyday and keeping track of it.

Lesson 1:

I need to stop acting upon the end results of scenarios I play in my head.

I need to take those end results in mind, yet take things one step at a time.

I need to focus on what I have in my hands, not on what would have had been in my hands had I acted differently.

P.S.

It has been a while since I last wrote in English. Sorry for all the mistakes. I promise this is going to get better.

Anybody Here?

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Tue, 05 Oct 2021 21:01:00 +0000

Hello World

I can't be more tired.

Hello Void

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 17:53:00 +0000

I miss the time no one read. It is really funny how lonely I feel because everyone in paying attention.

I guess it is time to get back to deserted blogger.

Back to the safety of not being heard.

Another Relationship Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sun, 23 Jun 2019 08:41:00 +0000

My relationships sort of follow a certain pattern. I am not going to complain, yet again, about how I was never genuinely loved. I will assume that I was loved. I have been loved of sort. Yet, all those men who - sort of - loved me ended up choosing someone else over me.
All my men chose another women, who seemed at the time they chose them over me as more vulnerable.

I have been broken hearted repeatedly because a man think that I am strong enough to take it.
I have been dumped because I seemed less in need of a man than another woman.

In the words of one of them, "you will live ya Shimaa, she won't"

The 12th year

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sat, 29 Dec 2018 11:01:00 +0000

It has been 12 yrs since I wrote my 1st post on this blog.

I have been through a lot.

And honestly, some days - like today - I just feel I am tired.

I am tired ..

Dear Iz

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 19:05:00 +0000

Hello Iz

I am not sure whether you are still reading me or not but in case you passed by this blog I would like you to know that while trying to make a list of the men I have known in the last 15 years I totally forgot you.
Actually I didn't remember you until I was trying to remember how things ended with another guy and why he never contacted me again.

I totally forgot you happened.

Imagine!

Dry Season

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sun, 07 Oct 2018 15:05:00 +0000

I fear the day I run out of men.

I had dry seasons before, and I remember how it felt. But then it poured again. And it sort of pouring now but I can smell another dry season hitting hard. And I am not sure whether It is gonna be a temporary thing or that will be it.

I think this is why people get married. Because whenever you are married you sort of avoid that type of fear.

Few months ago I was so scared to settle into a relationship because who would want to eat the same dish for the rest of their lives, and right now I fear of starvation.

I can't survive another dry spell I guess and you know what's worse? I have no man who would want to settle down with me.

The people I hate the most

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sat, 01 Sep 2018 15:25:00 +0000

So, there are people in my life who are "supposed" to be "loving" me. They sort of like to advise me on things so that I "lead a better life".

Those people some how find a way to say that I am a waste of potential. They believe that I am wasting whatever resources I have (time, money, knowledge, networks, talent .. etc) and not making full use of them.

I hate those people. I hate them so much. I hate how they turn my peaceful life into a series of miserable thoughts just because they wish to have what I have.

I hate them. I hate everyone who makes me feel I am useless.

Tolerance

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sat, 01 Sep 2018 09:56:00 +0000

There was time when love meant tolerating one another. Somewhere down the road that simple idea was challenged. And now, every time I hit emotional rock bottom it occurs to me that no one would tolerate it. It feels that no one should. Why would anyone tolerate someone who is going through the blues, especially that those "waves" aren't logical. It is just spells of crying, phases of not feeling good, days of struggling.

Why would anyone tolerate this?

You say love .. I thought part of love is tolerating those days. But somewhere down the road this idea was challenged. And in part, I am bluer because I feel no one should tolerate me.

I need to be tolerated. But no one should do.

Backup

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Mon, 27 Aug 2018 21:17:00 +0000

Here is a confession. Over the past twenty years I developed one of my worst habits.
I started to keep men around as backup for other men. It isn't that I don't like them or anything. And it isn't that I promise them anything series.
I just never tell them that I am currently emotionally unavailable.

Why?

Because I was never really emotionally occupied. It is always complicated. And I sort of can't really live without feeling admired .. etc.

So, I keep some men as backup in case my current emotional dreams fail. My emotional dreams fail often and he who once was a backup turns to be the main object of interest and I don't settle untill I find another backup.

It is like me being a car, and my backup men are my spare tires. I can't move for long without a spare tire. Spare tires are essential for a safe drive, yet spare tires are just spare, i.e. inheriently unreliable for long-term.

Anyway, I can't seem to be ok with this habit these days. It feels kind of "whore-ish" and even worse it kind of sound "man-ish". Yet I am so scared to ask for a long stable relationship. It is scary to ask the main tire whether or not it will be able to act as the main tire. And it heartbreaking to let the spare tires go.

What am I supposed to do if the main tire failed me?

See, man-ish as I said!

A prayer at Saint Anna

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 09:06:00 +0000

Last night I watched the movie " A miracle at saint Anna". I loved the prayer scene. Here is the prayer.

God Almighty

The tree of life blossoms beside the shore of still waters.

The face of Christ is shining and it needs no candle, no light, Nor Sun.

There is no suffering in your Kingdom.

And we ask for your forgiveness merciful Father that we have not seen the light before this day.

For your light reigns forever.

It is a shining beacon that lights the path to your heavenly throne.

I may not be the man that you want me to be, O Lord.

I may not be the man that I should have been, O God.

But we are your people.

We ask you, Lord, to walk with us in our pain and our suffering as a nation of your children who glorify your name in victory.

Amen

On a side note

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Thu, 26 Jul 2018 14:32:00 +0000

I can't remember when was the last time I was myself.

The Eternal Question

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 10:19:00 +0000

Do they think of me the same way I think of them?
Do they miss me the way I miss them?
Do they check on me the way I do with them?

Do you still read?

Him

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Fri, 09 Feb 2018 21:02:00 +0000

There was a moment when I decided to let him go. I was with another man. I never stopped writing him, i never stopped loving him yet I kept moving on from one relationship to the other because I knew we were never going to happen.
So when I felt that keeping him in my life might affect my relationship with that man i decided to cut him off. I didnt really, i couldn't.
All what i could do back then was deleting every "evidence" that i kept contact with him while with the other guy ( not that the other guy would mind, we weren't exclusive). All what i could do back then was writing him about my relationship.
Pages of anger. Pages of blame for not stepping up and doing what the other guy was doing

Then the other guy left. And another guy came and then left and more came and left.

And nothing breaks my heart more than the fact that i thought i can give him up to have a "stable" relationahip.

Nothing breaks my heart like the memory of the things i have done because we are never going to happen.

Nothing breaks my heart like hopelessly loving him.

The Anger Trap

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 10:41:00 +0000

With every new man, My anger gets bigger.
With every new disappointment, my anger gets bigger.

I am angry at H. I am angry because things would have been different hadn't he let me go.

I am angry because he conciously choose not to choose me.

I am angry at him. I am angry at me.

Tired

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 10:34:00 +0000

I am tired of being depressed. Really tired of all the anger, all the sadness and all the suicidal thoughts.
I am tired of the constant feeling that I should die.

I am tired.

That Kid

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 09:10:00 +0000

So, I was seeing a guy. A younger guy. I nickname him the kid. He suddenly acted weird. The weirdest part is that he started acting weird when I felt that I want to get him things.
I never give my men presents. Usually they make up fights to avoid giving me gifts in special occassions. And I sort of have a rule of never giving a man a gift out of the blue.
Anyway, I wanted to give the kid a watch. And I was thinking to give it to him without waiting for an occassion because I thought we wouldn't last till valentine's day or his birthday.
But the kid surprised me. We didnt even last for a couple of days after that thought.

I really don't know what went wrong and why.

He doesn't deserve a post. But I thought of writing about it anyway.

I was going to give him a watch.

Status Update

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Sat, 07 Oct 2017 10:08:00 +0000

I Spent most of the last month praying that I'd die. I couldn't deal with pressures of life, I was faced repeatedly with how meaningless this life is and how futile is to trust others regardless how close they are.
I spent good amount of my days crying and my nights plotting plans to kill myself.

I had a rough month that doesn't seem to be clearing soon. I am tired, still partially praying to die. But I postponed the plans to kill myself. I still can't get myself to do it. Apparently I still want to live.

I want to live. But I am fed up with life's plot twists.

A Marker

noreply@blogger.com (Shimaa Gamal) — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 16:50:00 +0000

Today I made a sincere prayer, I asked God to end my life if what's waiting for me is what I have seen glimpses off the last week.

I don't want to live life is that's what I am going to go through.

Enough is enough. Amen.