2. My intention in sharing this is that any of you out there going through the same thing will know you're not alone and so we can support one another.  

3. Weight is such a hard topic for me (and most of us) to talk about, but it had built up to a point where it had been consuming my thoughts so I wanted to give voice to it, and in a way, set myself free from having these thoughts rolling around in my head at the same time.

4. I also feel it’s important for me to say that I know there are plenty of people who are heavier than I am right now who are healthy and thriving and love their bodies. Please know the message behind what I’m saying is NOT that you need to be a certain body size to be happy and healthy. All I’m talking about is how I feel in my own body and what feels comfortable and right for me.

Ok, here goes...

I’m no stranger to struggling with my weight. I went through a period in my mid-to-late teens where I gained and lost nearly 35 pounds, but for the past fifteen years it’s been more like going up and down within the same 5-10 pound range. So, I had no plan or way to deal with an unexpected 30-pound weight gain, especially when part of it was beyond my control.

If you’ve read my story about burning out and dealing with hypothyroidism, among other things, you know that I gained 20 pounds in a matter of months, which was actually one of my first clues that something major was going on with my health.

Cut to a year and a half later when I finally weaned myself off of three years worth of daily Adderall (with the help of the immensely talented Dr. Kelly Brogan) and I gained 10 more, which is totally normal during the withdrawal process, but still sucks.

So, now I sit here 30 pounds heavier than I was back when this all started. But I’m also healthier overall than I’ve been in years.

My thyroid and adrenal issues are getting resolved, my labs are looking better, I’m eating well and moving my body, my energy is improving, I’m sleeping well, and I was just diagnosed with estrogen dominance/low progesterone, so I'm hopeful rebalancing those hormones will help my weight balance out too (not to mention my migraines!).

But I can’t help it that I’m a little mad at my body right now.

And I’ve been holding myself back in any number of ways because of the weight. I’ve put off reconnecting with friends I’ve haven’t seen in awhile, I’ve avoided cameras (and mirrors!), I’ve played small.

Case in point, I look at the picture of me below and think "Who is that person?" I can't remember the last time I posted a picture of myself anywhere that was full length.

A lot of people say, “I don’t even notice it,” or “Really? You still look great.” Are they lying? Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe they don’t see it like I do? Maybe they’re just trying to make me feel better? Maybe they also think these things are hard to talk about? Maybe I’ve been thinking about this too much.

On the outside I’m uncomfortable with how I look. Uncomfortable with how I feel in my body. Uncomfortable being seen.

But on the inside I feel better than I have in years.  

On the inside I feel confident in my ability and my purpose. I feel balanced and calm. I feel inspired and creative.

So, I guess what I’m really dealing with right now is how to integrate those outside and inside feelings as I continue to focus on being as healthy as I can be, inside and out.

I confess I’m still a work in progress on this one, but here’s where I’ve ended up. I need to make peace with how things are right now. Period.

That doesn’t mean I’ll stop taking all the steps I’m doing to lose the weight, but it does mean that I’m done putting my life on hold while I wait for it to happen.

I was recently reminded of something I first learned from Gabby Bernstein and realized I’ve had a case of the “When I Haves,” which is basically when we keep telling ourselves “When I have my ideal body I’ll be happy.” Or, “When I make X amount of money I’ll be happy.” Those things may in fact make you feel “happy” when they do happen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be perfectly happy right now either.

Holding on to “I’ll be happy when...” is a really easy way to completely forget about being present in your life as it is today. When we’re constantly “future tripping,” as Gabby would say, we’re not present. Not even a little. 

So, I’m taking her advice and accepting that I’m right where I need to be at this moment in my life. And so is my body.

When it’s ready to release the weight it will, but I can’t base who I am and what I’m doing in the world on the premise that I’ll only be totally happy in my life when and if I lose those 30 pounds. And I hope you won't either. For you it might not be weight, but whatever it is I hope you stop telling yourself "I'll be happy when..." too.

My goal is to accept where I am now, find peace as I go through this process, and embrace the happy moments that are all around me each and every day. 

Love, Susie

Can you relate? Please feel free to email me at susie@susiedraper.com and let me know how I can support you.

Once upon a time she also couldn’t think of the last time she’d done anything “arty" and thought people who took the time to do something creative were simply being self indulgent.

When friends would ask her to scrapbook or go to a pottery class she’d say, “Oh, that’s cute, but I don’t have time for that! You go do your A-R-T, I’ve got a J-O-B.”

But after interviewing thousands of people and digging into her research on creativity, she realized it's the opposite of self-indulgent and is actually one of the keys to living a full and happy life.  If you feel resistant to the idea of doing something creative take a minute to think about these two truths Brené mentions in the book:

1. “I’m not very creative” doesn’t work. There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. Unused creativity doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.

2. If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, draw, doodle, paint, scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing—it doesn’t matter. As long as we’re creating, we’re cultivating meaning.

I mean, how many times have you heard someone say "I'm just not that creative." How many times have you heard yourself say it?

What really opened my eyes was what Brené said about creativity as an energy force we all have inside us. And that if we don't express it in some way it doesn't just go way, it manifests itself in our bodies in other ways.

I can speak from experience now when I tell you that embracing creativity in your life will change you (for the better!) and is a great way to get outside your comfort zone. Also, you also don't need to show your work to anyone if you don't want to. It's ok to do this just for you. And if you're a little scared at the thought of it I want you to know you're not alone.

Brené also talks about the fact that countless numbers of adults have what she calls "art scars."

In her research on shame, she found that 85% of the men and women she interviewed remembered an event in school that was so shaming, it changed how they thought of themselves for the rest of their lives. And 50% of those people had shame wounds around creativity, or art scars.

Think about this for yourself. Did a teacher or family member or friend ever make fun of or discount something you'd made when you were younger? Did you feel judged, rejected, stupid? If you're apprehensive about doing something creative, that one tiny event might be why.

And once you know where your fear of creativity comes from you can start to heal it.

I decided to give it a try for the first time five years ago. At first it felt kind of weird, like I didn't really know what I was doing or like I was "doing it wrong," but I kept going. In the beginning, I got really into doing mixed media art on canvases and art journaling, which are must dos for you perfectionists out there. They're both messy and layered and the only rule is to just go with the flow. It almost forces you to let go of wanting/needing it to be "perfect" because there's no such thing.

Basically, you can’t make a mistake and if you "mess it up" you just have to keep going and figure out a new way to make it into something you love in the end.

Not to be corny, but isn't that just like trudging through the rough times in life even when you can't yet see the beauty waiting for you on the other side? 

Lately, I've been doing more scrapbooking projects and I'm on day 35 of #the100dayproject where you do a little something creative everyday. I've done everything from gratitude lists, to documenting my favorite quotes to scrapbooking selfies and writing little notes to myself. And the best part is that it's only purpose is to be F-U-N. You can check out my projects so far on Instagram and a few of my favorites below.

For you, it might not be art that feels right to you and that's totally fine, that's just the direction I chose. It might be cooking or dancing or taking photographs that lights you up. If you're a little stumped about what you'd want to do, try and think back to what you liked to do when you were a kid. I first heard this tip from Gretchen Rubin in The Happiness Project where she talks about finding hobbies as an adult by looking through the lens of your younger self.

Ask yourself what you liked to do when you were 10 and try that.

If you want to get your artsy creative juices flowing it's super easy to get started. And don’t worry, you don’t need to buy a bunch of fancy art materials to get going. All you really need is a notebook or mixed media/watercolor/scrapbook paper, brushes, paint, photos (if you want to use them) and some stuff you can likely find around the house. I've included a list of things you probably have and some links to my favorite supplies at the end of this post if you're not sure what to get, but first, check out some of my favorite sources for inspiration below. 

INSPIRATION

If you need a little inspiration there are plenty of free resources out there to get you going. Here are three of my favorite people:

WILNA FURSTENBERG is a great resource for learning beautiful artful scrapbooking and art journaling techniques and she has a ton of videos on her YouTube channel. Her style is very whimsical and pretty and she tends to favor pastel colors with pops of black and brights. Just watching her videos makes me feel creative. She also offers a bunch of different classes, starting at $15, that I’d wholeheartedly recommend if you want some more guidance. You can see what she's all about by visiting her blog here.

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SUSE FISH is one of my absolute favorites and does something I adore that she calls “scrap therapy.” She uses scraps of paper, paint, photos and different bits and bobs to create the most beautiful pages, and there’s a thread of spirituality and simplicity in all she does. Her creations have a feminine and soft vibe that I love—plus, her British accent is soothing and delightful to listen to in her videos. Her style and the colors she uses just make me happy, and she never fails to inspire. Check out her blog here.

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ALI EDWARDS has more of a clean minimalistic style and combines artistic expression with self-reflection in her work. Her brand is all about crafting your story using photos and words and getting you to think about your life, while you create something to document it. She has awesome online classes too. My favorite is her One Little Word class (she launches it every January) where you pick a word for the year and she helps you keep it top of mind during the year with little artful projects every month. She also does her Week In The Life and Day In The Life projects a few times a year, which are a cool way to capture a snapshot of your life right now. You check out her site here.

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WHAT YOU'LL NEED TO GET STARTED

If you want to start making your own crafty creations you really only need to buy a few things. Besides those basics you can probably find a lot of stuff around your house to use. Whether you want to try collage, art journaling, vision boarding, scrapbooking or anything else try using “found” items so you aren’t spending a bunch of money before finding out what you like. And it'll be super easy to get started if you have kids, just raid their art supplies!

SUPPLIES YOU MIGHT HAVE LYING AROUND:

• Gift wrap (try cutting out shapes and flowers or use as "patterned paper")
• Notebook paper, tissue paper, pages from old books (I like to go to thrift stores and buy cheap books to tear into for this)
• Ribbon, thread, or twine
• Doilies
• Cut out images and words from magazines and catalogues
• Paperclips, binder clips, buttons
• Labels
• Scissors, a hole-punch, stapler
• Old credit cards or hotel room keys to spread thin layers of paint

If you don’t have any stamps to make markings you can do things like:

• Dip the end of a pencil eraser, wine cork or the raised side of bubble wrap in paint or ink to make dots
• Collect lids from different size bottles or jars you’re done with and dip the bottoms of them in paint to make circles (an empty toilet paper roll works great too!).
• Repurpose old kitchen utensils or tools you don’t use like forks, pastry brushes, scrapers, etc. to make lines or create texture in paint.

SUPPLIES YOU MIGHT NEED TO BUY:

You can find everything you need online (although taking a trip to my local art store or Michaels is part of the fun for me). Here are some of my faves you can buy on Amazon if you want to shop from your couch!

• Watercolor palette and brush set
• Acrylic paint and brush set
• A mixed media or watercolor paper journal or notebook (you can get loose sheets too). I like the two below, but any paper that is 90 lb. weight or heavier will work. Note: if you use a thinner weight paper the paint will seep through and you will not be happy.
• White gesso. Gesso is basically a primer that you use before putting acrylic paint on a page. Just paint the paper with a coat of gesso first to strengthen it and prevent bleed through if you're art journaling or doing mixed media. Note: If you want to keep it simple you can just use an old room key/credit card to scrape it on the page.
• Scrapbook paper, patterned and white. I put a 6x6 paper pad below that is under $6 if you want to dip your toe in with that. This is my favorite white cardstock.
• Adhesive. If you don't want to use glue a double sided tape runner is what you need. 
• Mod Podge to use as glue and for collage
• They also make these cool paint brushes where you fill the end with water, which are great for watercoloring 

FYI: These are affiliate links and I've used and love every one of these products!

So, what do you think? Are you going to give it a try?

If you feel like sharing anything you make I'd love to see it! Tag me on Instagram at @susie_draper or email it to me at susie@susiedraper.com.

She said, “I’m not smart enough to know how that works.” Sure, she said it flippantly, and with a laugh, to downplay the trouble she was having with this thing, but she said it just the same.

It struck a nerve with me because I have heard women say some variable of that statement for years. And, let’s be real, I used to do it too.

I can’t tell you how many meetings I’ve sat in where a woman said, “This is probably a stupid idea, but....” Only to see her get upset when the idea wasn’t received well.

Think about this for a minute. Why would anyone think your idea is good when you just told them it was stupid?

Please, I beg you, have more faith in yourself than that. If you don't believe your ideas and you in general are great why would anyone else!?

I found, for myself, that it came from a desire to prevent rejection. I somehow thought that setting up the fact that it maybe wasn’t a great idea would somehow soften the blow when no one liked it. But all I was doing was telling them it was a bad idea before the actual idea had even come out of my mouth.

And we do this everywhere from the boardroom to the bedroom.

This whole thing actually reminds me of something I learned when the book He’s Just Not That Into You came out in 2009. Do you remember that book? It was written by two Sex and the City writers after that episode where Carrie’s boyfriend tells Miranda the guy she went on a date with probably just wasn’t that into her, and Miranda felt liberated. Anyway, it was a huge phenomenon at the time. Check out the clip to refresh your memory!

No matter how you feel about the overall message of that book, let me share a tidbit that changed how I thought about the messages we send people—whether the relationship is romantic or not.

I remember seeing the authors on Oprah once and they said you might be sabotaging yourself in relationships by constantly telling your partner what they think about you is wrong. Bear with me here.

For example, when your date or partner tells you you’re sexy or beautiful and you say “no I’m not” or downplay it or brush it off in some way instead of just saying “thank you,” you’re basically telling them they're wrong to think you are sexy or beautiful.

And if you keep doing it over and over again, well, they’ll wind up believing you.

In essence, the message the authors were trying to send is that there is nothing more attractive than loving yourself. And when we don’t believe we’re sexy or beautiful and keep putting that message out there, eventually, other people will agree with us.

So, how do you flip the script?

The way I see it, if you want to stop telling people your ideas are stupid or accept a compliment without negating it there is one place to start. And that is with how you talk to yourself. I bet if you just took an hour or two and made a point to notice what conversations were happening in your head you’d be shocked.

When I was first starting to practice changing my inner dialogue I would catch myself saying crazy stuff in my head all the time.

And I mean ALL. THE. TIME.

And I only realized how bad it was making me feel when I really started listening and did something to change up the conversation.

I remember a day a few years ago I was late one morning getting ready for work and rushed out of the house getting to the subway just in time—only to realize I'd left my subway card AND my wallet at home. I immediately went off on myself in my head saying, "You're so stupid, how could you have forgotten everything at home! Now you're really going to be late."

I was literally on the verge of going into a self-hate spiral over something so trivial when I caught myself and changed the story. I wasn't stupid I just did a stupid thing, I told myself. And those are very different things.

You may not think it makes a difference how you think about it, but trust me it does. It’s kind of like the difference between feeling guilt or shame. We interpret guilt as I did something bad and shame as I am bad. Which one do you think is more destructive?

Moral of the story, when you’re beating up on yourself like that try to change your inner dialogue. A great trick I learned from Brené Brown is to think about how you’d talk to a friend in the same situation and do that. Because honestly, you’d never be friends with someone who was constantly telling you that you were stupid or an idiot for doing x, y, and z, so why do you think it's ok when you say it?

The only way to break the cycle is to talk to yourself with the same kindness and support you’d give to someone you love.

So, please stop. Please stop telling people you’re not smart or sexy or qualified. Please stop selling yourself short. Please stop judging yourself. Please keep a watchful eye on how you’re talking to yourself and about yourself. You are beautiful, brilliant, kind and generous (I know you are!), so please make it a priority to remind yourself of that every chance you get.

"Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year." 

Let’s just say I’m emerging from a season in my life that felt more like winter than spring.

And I thought it was important to talk about it almost because it was a sort of subtle slide downhill. It wasn’t some big dramatic downward spiral moment. Nothing in particular set it in motion. There was no rock bottom. It seemed like it just kind of happened gradually while I wasn’t looking.

And I’m guessing I’m not alone in having that kind of experience, so it seemed like a good idea to share how I’ve moved through it.

To put it simply, I felt uninspired, a little blue and awash in uncertainty.

I didn’t feel like I had anything to say that would be valuable to the people who read my blog. And I think I felt a bit like a failure in some sense because I’d gone through this whole transformation with my health, career and life, and everything wasn’t "perfect" after all that self-care and spiritual work.

I’d gone through a few years of intense change and growth, but I hadn’t really digested what all of it meant or incorporated it with who I was now.

I’d felt sure the old stuff I’d worked through was dead and gone, and a lot of it was, but some of it was just lying dormant beneath the surface waiting for me to work through it. And that’s ok. That’s what I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that it’s ok to not have it together all the time. I’ve learned that personal and spiritual growth never ends. I’ve learned that sometimes it’s messy and rife with uncertainty, and that’s ok. I think the point I’m trying to make is that it’s ok to have good days and bad days, to feel uncertain, to go at your own pace, and to do it all imperfectly.

So, if you hear nothing else from what I’m saying here, please let it be that whatever you’re going through at this moment is OK.

It’s ok to be where you are even when you wish it were different. It’s ok to admit you’re still navigating your way through falling down and getting back up. It’s ok to feel like you’re taking two steps back for every step forward. It’s ok and good, actually, to be imperfect. To embrace your imperfection.

It’s ok because with each fall or step backward you ARE making progress, you’re just not perfect. And no one is. Perfection is not attainable. It’s not real. And it doesn’t help us grow.

Once I took a step back and tuned into what was going on with me I could see that my old penchant for perfectionism had crept back into my life.

How? Expecting myself to be in full bloom all the time. Thinking some things weren’t worth doing at all if I couldn’t do them perfectly. Being impatient that my health and healing progress wasn’t going in a straight uphill line. Not blogging because I felt like I couldn’t string my words together perfectly and was worried about what people would think.

And once I could see that, I knew what I needed to do. I knew what I needed to shift.

I knew I needed to sit with my perfectionism fueled feelings. I needed to accept that was the way I felt and not berate myself for it. I needed to take the time to digest and understand everything I’d been through so I could really celebrate the imperfect yet incredible progress I’d made. I needed to revisit all the tools and spiritual lessons that helped me in the past so I could work through those feelings and come out the other side.

And I'm grateful for it now, because going through this process has reawakened something in me.

I feel more inspired, more creative, more centered. I feel like I have so much more to give to the women I help through my coaching, who are often going through the exact same thing. I feel like I have the opportunity to keep growing and changing as I lean into the imperfection of life. 

So, whatever you’re going through right now I hope you’ll embrace the mess, the imperfection and the uncertainty of it all. It’s ok to be where you are. And to be real about what that feels like. Please rest easy knowing that you will bloom again when you’re ready.

And there are a few I’ve been pulling out of my toolbox lately I wanted to share with you, including the thing I use to shift from lower to higher vibe emotions, the new mood boosting self-care practice I'm currently obsessed with and the books, podcasts, videos and meditations I turn to when I need a little dose of inspiration.

1. Reach For A Higher Vibe

Have you ever heard of the Abraham-Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale? It's a really unique and interesting way to spot check how you’re really feeling and see the steps you might need to take to get to a higher vibe feeling.

The scale, rated from 1-22, catalogues our emotions with 1 being the most empowering and 22 being what might make you feel the most powerless. The idea here is by seeing where you are on the scale you can reach for a higher vibe emotion that’s actually within reach.

For example if you’re feeling totally overwhelmed it might not be realistic to expect yourself to be completely joyful in a day, but what could you do to move yourself closer to a feeling of contentment or hopefulness? 

I’ve always found this scale super helpful in my own life and to use with my coaching clients as they move through the different emotions we need to feel to get to that empowering and joyful vibe. Give it a try next time you’re feeling down and let me know what you think!   

The Abraham-Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale

1.   Joy / Knowledge / Empowerment / Freedom / Love / Appreciation

2.  Passion

3.  Enthusiasm / Eagerness / Happiness

4.  Positive Expectation / Belief

5.  Optimism

6.  Hopefulness

7.  Contentment

8.  Boredom

9.  Pessimism

10. Frustration / Irritation / Impatience

11. Overwhelmed

12. Disappointment

13. Doubt

14. Worry

15. Blame

16. Discouragement

17. Anger

18. Revenge

19. Hatred / Rage

20. Jealousy

21. Insecurity / Guilt / Unworthiness

22. Fear / Grief / Depression / Despair / Powerlessness

For more info on the emotional guidance scale check out the book Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks

2. Use Essential Oils For An Instant Mood Boost

I recently started diving into the world of essential oils and I have to admit, I’m in love. I diffuse them, rub them on my skin, put them in my water, use them in my DIY beauty and cleaning products, and the list goes on and on. It’s amazing to me that doing something this simple can make me feel better in an instant, but it does.

Lately I’ve been reaching for oils that are used to uplift mood and ease tension. Here’s how I’ve been using them:

Instead of using scented candles (many of which have toxic chemicals in their “fragrance” mixture) I’ve been diffusing essential oils (with water). doTERRA makes a great diffuser and you can also find some different kinds like this one and this one on Amazon.

My favorite uplifting diffuser mix of late is a few drops each of lemon, grapefruit, and peppermint. Each of these oils has mood lifting benefits and can give you a boost when you’re feeling fatigued or low energy—plus, this combo smells incredible! At bedtime, or anytime I want to feel more relaxed, I use a mixture of 4-5 drops of lavender and 1 drop of peppermint.

I take detox baths pretty regularly and I like to use essential oils to kick them up a notch. For each bath I use two cups of Epsom salt, 1 cup of baking soda, a squirt of Dr. Bronner’s unscented Castile soap—plus a coconut oil and lavender oil combo.

The best way to add the oils to take a quarter size dollop of coconut oil and put it in your palm, then add about 10-15 drops of lavender oil to the coconut oil, rub together in your hands, then rinse it off your hands under the faucet into the tub. Mixing the coconut and lavender oils together first helps the lavender disperse more evenly in the bath and this combo will make your skin feel super soft and soothed.

When I want to use oils on my skin and I’m feeling stressed, down or out of sorts I tend to use some of the oil blends doTERRA makes exactly for that purpose. I’ve been keeping Motivate Touch and PastTense an arm’s reach away lately and love how they make me feel.

They come in rollerball bottles (the pure oils are mixed with fractionated coconut oil, which makes them easy to apply), so I just put a dab on my pulse points and a little on the back on my neck, massage it in a little bit and let the oils do their job. A little goes a long way, so I like to start with a small amount and apply more after 10 minutes if I feel like it's not strong enough.

Here’s a little info about my favorite oils of the moment and their benefits:

Lemon is known as a powerful aromatic, topical, and internal cleanser* that can be used to complement many other oils. Diffusing lemon in a room cleanses the air and elevates mood and it can also be used on surfaces in your home as a non-toxic cleaning booster. And adding drop or two in your water can also help to naturally cleanse the body and aid in digestion.*

Lavender is widely used and accepted for its calming and relaxing qualities.* It is soothing and calming to skin and rubbing a few drops on the bottoms of your feet can help you get a more restful night’s sleep. It may also help ease feelings of tension and anxiety.*

Peppermint is a wonderful thing to diffuse when you’re feeling fatigued or low on energy. It’s also useful to alleviate occasional stomach upset, ease breathing and as a digestive aid.* I like to put a drop of peppermint in a glass of water to support my digestion and it also tastes really refreshing.

Grapefruit's fresh, invigorating aroma is the perfect thing to use to energize and uplift mood. You can also add a drop or two to your water to support a healthy metabolism.*

Motivate® Touch is a blend of Fractionated Coconut Oil, Peppermint, Clementine, Coriander, Basil, Yuzu, Melissa, Rosemary, and Vanilla Bean oils. The fresh, minty aroma promotes feelings of confidence, courage, and belief and counteracts negative emotions of doubt, pessimism, and cynicism. Simply apply to the back of the neck and pulse points.

PastTense® is a blend of Wintergreen, Lavender, Peppermint, Frankincense, Cilantro, Marjoram, Roman Chamomile, Basil, and Rosemary oils that provides calming comfort. These distinctive essential oils are known for their soothing effects and quickly promote feelings of relaxation and calm. Simply apply to the neck, shoulders, and behind the ears.

If you’re interested in trying them out for yourself you can check out all of doTERRA’s essential oils here. Just click on the “shop” button and you can see all the oils I mentioned, plus a lot more. You can also sign up for a wholesale membership for a small annual fee and get everything at 25% of retail!

I love this brand (so much so that I'm now a Wellness Advocate for them!) because their oils are totally natural, safely and ethically sourced and therapeutic grade, which basically means they’re super high quality.

A lot of oils you buy at the health food store or online can be diluted or not totally pure, so I only get my oils from them since I know I can trust the source. If you have any issues navigating the site or have any questions just let me know and I'd be happy to help you.  

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

3. Marinate In Inspiration

Lose yourself in books that lift you up and comfort you, watch inspirational talks on YouTube, meditate, listen to uplifting podcasts, or do whatever makes you feel inspired. I have a few things I turn to when I need to put a log or two on my own fire, here are some of my favorites:

Books

There are some books (and a card deck!) I turn to again and again when I'm feeling uncertain, fearful or in need of a little inspiration and clarity. Here are my six must-reads:

I also love listening to audio books when I'm on the go. If you don't already have an Audible account click below to get 2 free audio books when you sign up for a FREE 30-day trial! 

Podcasts

I love podcasts because you can listen to them when you're commuting, cleaning, exercising, shopping, anywhere! I listen to a lot of different kinds, but here are my faves for uplifting, thoughtful, and inspiring conversations:

YouTube Talks & Inspiring Interviews

There are too many inspiring videos on YouTube to count, but some of my favorite channels are Oprah’s SuperSoul Sessions series, Marie Forleo's Inspiring Interview Series, Wanderlust’s Speak Easy Speaker Series, The Lewis Howes’ School of Greatness Interview Series, Talks at Google, TED Talks, and Gabby Bernstein's channel.

Check out some of these great talks and interviews to get started!

Meditations

Having a few guided meditations to follow along with is a great way to get started meditating or get your practice back on track. There are all kinds of meditations available if you search on YouTube, but here are a few I love by Gabby Bernstein, Carrie-Anne Moss, and Ashley Watson :  

Enjoy and let me know if you have any questions about anything I mentioned!

P.S. This blog post contains affiliate links for select products that I wholeheartedly believe in and recommend.

During what felt like a particularly messy time of personal & spiritual growth for me a few years ago I kept wondering why it felt like things were just getting worse, instead of better. I felt like things were falling apart rather than healing and falling into place.

I kept asking my coach Gina, when will this be over? Shouldn’t I feel 100% happy and wonderful all the time now? I mean, I was meditating like it was my job, working to release judgment of myself and others, trying to face and overcome my fears....you get the drift. I was doing the work, but I still felt stuck.

She painted a great visual that has gotten me through many a day of doubt ever since, and when I thought about it recently it reminded me of the one big thing that has helped me face and heal my fears and kept me on the path to get to where I am today. And that thing is willingness.

When we're opening up and working on releasing and healing our fears it all depends on our willingness, and for me, it came down to being willing to do these three things...

1. Be Willing To Go Deep

During that messy time I mentioned, Gina told me to visualize a dirty pond that hadn’t been cleaned out in years and to think about what I was going through as the time when you’re dredging the bottom of the pond to bring all the trash and muck up to the surface so it can be removed.

And she also importantly reminded me to take a beat and reflect on how much progress I had made in those past few months getting from the "cleaning off the surface stage" to this deeper depth.

Thinking about it that way created such a strong visual for me that totally mirrored the process I was going through, and helped me remember that I was not doing all of this work to get somewhere, but rather to clear out the muck (aka fear) that was making me feel stuck where I was.

I also like to think of the importance of delving beneath the emotional surface in another way. Just because everything looks ok on the surface doesn't mean there isn't clutter underneath it all that you're telling yourself doesn't exist because no one else can see it. 

It's kind of like if you’ve got stuff crammed in drawers and closets, but have convinced yourself that everyone will think your house is spotless and perfect because every surface is clean, while you know you're actually just hiding all of your clutter under a false veil of perfection (anyone remember when Monica’s secret junk closet was discovered on Friends?).

As we all know, cleaning off every surface in our house does not mean that your drawers are in KonMari method order. Amirite?

I say all this to remind you that the emotional stuff you may have been pushing down for years has to come up so you can get it out. If there were any other way, trust me, I would have found it by now.

You might be thinking, whatever, that’s not me. The old crap from the past I haven’t dealt with isn’t impacting me now. I’m fine.

The thing is, those feelings are likely not just resting quietly and not bothering anyone below the surface. Even if you can’t pinpoint exactly what they are right now, they need to be brought up to the surface so you can clean out your pond.

2. Be Willing To Witness Your Fear

Sometimes I forget just how powerful simply witnessing your fear can be. This is one of the main themes I’ve learned from studying and teaching the 40-day mindset shifting practice in Gabby Bernstein’s best-selling book May Cause Miracles and it is truly life changing.

And when I say "witness your fear" all I mean is to observe when your fears get triggered.

We can get tripped up thinking what we're feeling is all different kinds of things like anxiety, doubt or panic, but underneath all of that is fear and by witnessing it we can start to tell the difference between our intuitive and fearful voices. 

Your fear voice looks at everything through the lens of judgment. Your fear voice does not want you to rise up, be great, or step in to your truth and confidence with conviction. Fear wants you to believe that its illusions are real.

The witnessing step is so important because if you think about how this plays out in life most of the time, the fear of judgment, rejection, criticism, the unknown, etc is usually more destructive than the actual judgment or rejection that may never even happen.

But we stress out our bodies and let our minds run wild playing out the false story of what might happen over and over again until it feels real. Our body thinks it's real and reacts and when that happens over and over again it's easy to see why you could feel panicked and anxious more often than not.

I mean, whenever I feel fear creep in my mouth runs dry, my heart races, and any eloquence I might have had expressing my thoughts out loud disappears. And that is just at the thought that something bad or uncomfortable might happen.

An acronym often used to talk about F.E.A.R. is False Evidence Appearing Real, which is spot on because even though we can sometimes fabricate fear in our minds we are definitely experiencing it as being real. But when you start to practice just witnessing it, the way you react and respond to those fears can shift dramatically because you can see them for what they really are.

If you acknowledge the impact fear has had and is having on your life you can begin to peel back the layers to figure out why it’s there in the first place. You can investigate why you believe the fear is real.

3. Be Willing To Feel Your Fear

I pushed my fear feelings down for years so I wouldn’t have to experience the crappy feeling of actually having to be with them. But that is like putting a bandage on a deep gash without even bothering to clean it out first and expecting it to heal infection free.

Think about when you were little and skinned your knee. It hurt like hell and then your mom or dad poured some hydrogen peroxide over and it hurt A LOT more, but by being brave enough to feel the sting and sit with it we’d end up with a cut that healed better than it would have if we'd just let it be.

If you transfer that analogy over to the emotional hurts and fears you've had in life it’s easy to recognize that those things are simply wounds that need to be healed.

If you’ve been pushing down any feelings that are uncomfortable, as most of us do, what you may not have learned is that you have to feel it to heal it. This is not the answer we want to hear most of the time, but it is true. 

Everyone is different of course, but I've found that sitting with those fearful feelings for a while and letting them wash over me can often be the quickest way to hear what they're trying to tell me. I know the unconscious inclination many of us have is to numb the fear, to hide from it and push it down, but that just gives it strength and keeps it right below the surface.

When we feel what it feels like to be afraid and uncertain without pushing it away we give it the chance to flow through us, instead of giving it the power to keep us stuck and scared.

And if you make space for those thoughts and feelings to come up, you can also get them out of your head and reality check them.

The next time you feel fear rising up, try this practice I learned from Gabby. Sit in stillness for 90 seconds, breathe through the fear, and identify where the fear crops up in your body. Does your heart start to race or your neck start to hurt?

Next, put your hand on whatever part of your body is triggered by the fear and sit with it while you take long deep breaths and allow yourself to feel what comes up. 

Simply observe your thoughts, notice how you feel, and take note of how you're speaking to yourself. What is your fear voice saying to you? Is it true?

This is a powerful, yet simple, practice because your only job is to sit with whatever emotions come up, breathe deeply in and out, and let the fear wash over you without running away from it. It always helps me to do 5-10 minutes of free-writing after I sit too.

Just let whatever comes up flow out on to the page. You don't have to show it to anyone else and you don't even have to read it if you don't want to. Just get it out.

What you'll come to see as you do this is that the voice telling you to be afraid because you're not good enough, not worthy, a huge failure, out of your league and so on is not actually your voice. It's fear speaking. And you have the choice whether you're going to listen to it and believe it, or hear it and choose a better thought.

I can speak from personal experience when I say that being willing to dive deep, witness, and feel my fear has totally transformed how I think about everything.

And I know if I hadn’t been willing to go deeper and face the fears hiding beneath the surface I wouldn’t have been able to bring them to the light. 

I'd love to hear what you think too! Feel free to drop me a line at susie@susiedraper.com and let me know any comments or questions you have.

And If you’re interested in going deeper and doing 1-on-1 coaching with me just click here for more details and you can also set up a FREE 20-minute consultation call so we can chat and make sure we'd be a good fit before you commit to anything.

I’ll also be doing a 6-week group coaching program online to take a small group through the the mindset makeover process in Gabby's book May Cause Miracles soon, so stay tuned for that!

Just a few years ago I was consumed by negative thoughts and engaged in an endless spiral of gossip with my co-workers and friends. I lived on a diet of reality TV and packaged food. Instead of feeling my feelings—both good and bad—I dwelled in numbness.

I couldn’t bear to sit in silence or be alone with my own thoughts, much less even consider something like meditating!

I was comfortable in my discomfort because it felt normal to me, I didn’t know how to feel another way (or if that was even possible).

And then something happened that changed everything. Check out the story below or watch the video! Some part of me didn't think I could do it justice with the written word so I talked it out too.

In 2014 I went to hear a talk Gabby Bernstein was giving at the Rubin Museum in NYC and my life was never the same. Seriously.

I was feeling stressed, uncomfortable in my own skin, anxious, disconnected and more than a little lost, but I couldn’t put my finger on where it was coming from.

You wouldn’t have been able to tell all this just by looking at me of course because I’d gotten pretty good at putting on a happy face, but deep down I knew something was, well, off.

And as I sat in the front row of the theater listening to Gabby speaking on the stage I was struck by how comfortable and happy and confident she seemed and then she said something I’ll never forget, “Does anyone feel like they’re in a pressure cooker?”

Before I knew what was happening my hand shot straight up and I was relieved to see nearly everyone in that room had also raised their hand, to know I wasn’t alone. 

Next, she led the audience in a meditation and asked us to think about what our greatest fear was, and mine, to my surprise, was simply “being great.”

I couldn’t explain why at the time, but that is what popped into my mind when she asked the question, which was followed very quickly by me thinking how sad it was that I was fearful of that. And that not only was I fearful of being great, I was basically afraid of even being “good enough.”

Good enough for what I didn’t know, but I couldn’t deny what she’d had to say had struck a chord with me, even though something about her message also made me...nervous? 

Yes, nervous.

And excited, and intrigued, and uncertain.

Uncertain about what I'd find if I dug deeper into my psyche, and uncertain if I even wanted to know. But deep down I knew that a door had been opened and I had the choice to step through it or stay stuck. 

You see, up until that day I'd always liked the sound of being "spiritual," although I have to admit that the word didn’t actually hold much of a deep personal meaning for me.

But after seeing Gabby speak live once and meeting her I went home and signed up for a training she was doing called the Spirit Junkie Masterclass.

I'd never been to anything like that in my life, and was doing PR for a fashion magazine at the time so it made no sense logically, but I just felt a strong knowing that I was supposed to go. I knew I had to say yes. 

But I was also full of self-doubt.

So, I kept trying to talk myself out of it; telling myself I should cancel because it was too expensive, too outside my comfort zone, too "spiritual" for someone like me. 

But three weeks later I showed up to the Spirit Junkie Masterclass knowing no one and still having no idea what I was doing there.

And three days later I felt like I'd experienced more emotional breakthroughs in one weekend than I had in 20 plus years of off and on again therapy.

I was in shock at how much I had been pushing down my feelings and how much I craved this new way of being. I felt raw and exposed and vulnerable, and I kind-of liked it.

I realized I was, in fact, a Spirit Junkie.

During this time I was working at ELLE magazine heading up PR and editorial brand strategy, and loved it, but as I continued to dive further into my own healing (and learned how I could help others do the same) I felt more and more passionate about exploring something new as time went on.

So I spent the next two years studying extensively with Gabby and immersed myself in doing other trainings, going to workshops and studying the spiritual and mindfulness principles that resonated so deeply with me. And I incorporated all of thatinto how I showed up for my job by embodying all I was learning and sharing it with the people around me.

And then in late 2016 I felt like I was ready to take a leap and left my full-time job at ELLE to bring all my skills and passions together to do a number of different things including writing, life coaching, and media training & public speaking coaching with a mindful twist.

Long story short—I now have the confidence to use my voice, speak my truth, share my light and help others do the same and I’m so grateful that my own transformation led me to a place where I get to coach other people who are ready and willing to experience their own. And my Spirit Junkie Masterclass experience really started it all.

If you’re interested in checking out Spirit Junkie Masterclass for yourself I encourage you to see what it’s all about here!

Enrollment only opens up once a year and when you enroll through this link by June 21st at 6pm ET you'll also get three one-on-one coaching sessions with me so I can support you while you go through the course. Plus, Gabby is offering a MAJOR bonus bundle for you *in addition to* the bonus I’m offering. Check out all the details of our $4,250 in bonuses here!

And as always feel free to email me with any questions!

Underneath all of the promises we make to ourselves (never drinking coffee again, gossiping again, snapping at the people we love again, eating junk food again...you get the drift) what it really comes down to is what gets in the way of us doing all those things we say we want to do and at the bottom of that is what we're truly committed to.

Last weekend I went to Gabby Bernstein’s annual Spirit Junkie Masterclass in NYC (more about that coming soon, so stay tuned!) and one of the guest speakers was author and coach Nancy Levin. She and Gabby had a powerful conversation on the stage and seeing her speak got me thinking about my experience with reading her book Jump...And Your Life Will Appear, which brings me back to what we're committed to.

Last year I was in a bit of a self-sabotage cycle when I started reading Nancy’s book and she posed a question on page 10 that made me stop cold. She simply asked, “What are you committed to?”

My reaction was probably what yours would be. I thought I was committed to being happy, peaceful, healthy, kind, etc. But then she went on to explain how she had once considered herself to be committed to her marriage, and it wasn't until she looked a little deeper that she found there was something else at play underneath. She wrote: 

“For eighteen years, I thought I was committed to my marriage. In hindsight, I realize I was actually committed to being indispensable. That led me to stay in an unhappy marriage even if it was a lie. That commitment overrode my desire for my own well-being and happiness. What I’ve learned is that, in life, we get what we’re committed to at the deepest level. We tell ourselves we’re committed to happiness, but deep down, we’re actually committed to something else—like being indispensable, staying safe, or putting others’ needs ahead of our own.”

She then posed two questions for her readers to ponder...

1. What do you get in life repeatedly that you don’t want?

2. What might you be unconsciously committed to, which keeps bringing these unwanted circumstances into your life?

The list I came up with really opened my eyes.

I’d been working through my tendency to procrastinate, avoid confrontation, and not ask for help, but I also kept routinely sabotaging any progress I made. And I had plenty of reasonable, even "good," reasons why I was doing it, or so I thought.

If I looked at my list of three things from one perspective I could've said I was procrastinating because I just wanted to make sure everything was as perfect as possible, or I avoided confrontation because I didn’t want to upset anyone (including myself), or that I didn’t like to ask for help because I wanted to be independent and not inconvenience anyone else.

And those things happened to be true. But what was also true is that underneath all the procrastinating, avoiding, and self-reliance there was a theme. To find out what it was I had to ask myself what connected those behaviors and what fears of mine could be driving those actions. I had to get real.

So, what was I afraid of when I really got honest with myself?

I was fearful of being judged, rejected, feeling not good enough, admitting I couldn’t do it all by myself. I was afraid of being vulnerable and embracing the fact that one of the truest parts of our shared humanity is our shared vulnerability.

Looking at those behaviors with the new perspective Nancy laid out helped me not only see what I was actually committed to, but gave me a new understanding of why I was sabotaging myself in these areas that I desperately wanted to change.

I was committed to never rocking the boat, never seeming imperfect, and never needing to lean on anyone else because doing the opposite meant possible rejection or judgment in my mind.

In short, I was more committed to not being judged or rejected than I was to my own health and happiness.

Once I figured this out for myself I was able to begin to heal those things on a much deeper level than I’d been able to before. And after a year or so of being hyperaware that when I procrastinate, hide from confrontation, and resist asking for help I’m simply falling back into an old set of beliefs I don’t believe in anymore I’m able to snap myself out of it.

And I think I’m able to do that pretty easily now because I understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, and I know I have the choice to switch the way I think about it in the moment, which shifts what I do too.

So, when you find yourself in a moment of self-sabotage simply stop, get real, ask what you’re truly committed to, forgive yourself for veering off course, and choose again. You can always choose again.

Stress can unconsciously become like a drug to some of us. We're fueled by it, feed off of it, talk about how stressed we are all the time but never really do anything about it.

Why???

Do we feel stuck in place? Scared of what would happen if we slowed down even a little bit? Or do we not want to know what thoughts and feelings we might have to face and actually work through if our bodies and minds settled into a few moments of silence and solitude? Or maybe we're afraid of losing our edge if we let compassion and vulnerability replace judgment and putting on a brave face?

I imagine it's all of these things really. I used to feel propelled to do more and do it better and for longer because of the overwhelmingly normalized pace we all accept as "just how it is" or "how it has to be these days." Sound familiar?

But besides that drive to "keep up," diving head first into stress and losing ourselves in it can also be the way we escape.

It gives us something to focus our energy on so we don't have to stop, get quiet and listen to what's really driving us underneath the frenzied pace.

Being absorbed in the stress of the day means we don't pause long enough to ask ourselves the right questions or listen for the answers. Instead, we focus on trying to figure out how we can keep up, do more and do it faster.

And we justify it because we're stressed out and overwhelmed, we have too much to do, we tell ourselves we'll get to all that self-care and self-reflection stuff when we're not so busy. But the thing is, that less busy time never comes unless we allow it to.

The thing about this pattern that can be so hard to get our heads around is that we are the ones creating it.

It's pretty much a given that there will be moments where we'll all feel stressed out, overwhelmed, or frustrated. But the great and truly powerful thing is, how we respond to it and what we do to make peace with and process it is totally in our hands. It's completely up to you how you deal with those feelings and moments. 

In a nutshell, you can feed the stressful energy by letting it consume you or you can transform it by pausing and reconnecting with yourself to see what's really going on. I am far from perfect in this area, believe me, it can be super easy (and tempting!) to get caught up in the drama of it all and feed the beast by throwing up your hands and believing that's just the way it is.

But there is another way.

This may sound strange, but I’ve learned that our response to stress has a lot to do with how much we’re fighting being with the present moment. We actually create more stress in our lives by insisting that things should not be as they are right now. We struggle against the present moment because we think it should be different than it is, and that stresses us out even more.

But what would our lives be like if we simply let situations be what they are? And what does that actually mean in our daily lives?

I’ve found that the more I can trust what’s happening right now is exactly what’s supposed to happen, the more I can simply accept what is.

This may seem like an impossible idea when you're in the midst of a challenging situation, but everything we experience is there to help us in some way.

It might not feel that way all the time, but sometimes we need to go through things over and over again in different places with different people until we wake up and get the lesson we were supposed to learn.

We often tell ourselves a story about this or that being difficult or a struggle, but really, how much of that comes from just wanting it to be different and resisting the lesson we’re meant to learn in that moment?

I say it has everything to do with it.

It can feel uncomfortable at first when we start practicing trying to be at peace with what is happening to us, or to put it another way—what’s happening for us. And that’s actually a good thing because every time we step out of our imagined comfort zone we grow and open up to possibilities for our lives we might never have seen otherwise.

And when we take the time to pause in the middle of it all to feel what we need to feel and find a way to make peace with how things are, even when we want them to change, we create a pocket of space so we can learn the lesson and move forward as a stronger and more authentic version of ourselves.

As Debbie Ford said, “When we stop resisting and surrender to the situation exactly as it is, things begin to change.”

Your ability to make peace with the present moment may change overnight or it make take time, but the key here is to stop believing that you won't or can’t be happy or feel peaceful unless everything is as you think it should be, right now.

That constant conflict we create within ourselves when we resist the present puts our bodies and minds into a churning stressful cycle, so by releasing that constant need to make everything fit into the image or box we think it needs to be in we can free ourselves. And we make the choice to do that or the opposite every day.

We always have a choice.

That’s why I created a free guide to help you navigate the stressful situations so many of us find ourselves getting lost in. It’s full of tips and practices that will help you reconnect to your intuition and find a sense of peace when you're stressed or overwhelmed so you can live your life to the fullest, not just survive the daily grind.

Just enter your name and email below to start stressing less and get your FREE 40-page guide!

Coffee was stressing my body out and I was over it. But I also felt that pull every morning like my life wouldn't be complete without that steaming mug in my hand to start the day. I was hooked and couldn’t remember the last time a day had gone by when I hadn’t had a cup, or two, or more. 

Like with anything, my decision to stop was a totally personal choice based on what I was going through to try and heal my adrenals, but that's really what all of this is about.

As we delve into what "wellness" really means to us we have to make choices about what's most important to us.

So I had to ask myself, do I want to feel better or do I want to keep drinking coffee?

Once I thought about it that way the choice was easy. And I was under strict orders from my doctor to ditch the coffee once and for all, so I knew I had to commit to it in order to heal. But how? And what about the terrible headaches I was sure to get once I stopped?

I couldn’t even imagine how I’d be able to quit, but I also know by now that I don’t need to know the “how” to start. 

I’d tried to quit coffee cold turkey once in college when I did the Atkins Diet and the headaches were so bad that I gave up 2 days into it. So this time around I wanted to concoct a way to do it where I could ease into the process and, hopefully, not have headaches so intense that I wouldn't be able to endure the withdrawal. 

Here are the steps I followed to do it:

Step 1. Be Willing

As with any addiction, you actually have to be willing to stop. I’ve tried to quit doing plenty of things that weren’t good for me in the past, but it never stuck if I didn’t somehow or someway believe it might be possible. Even if I had no clue how I'd actually do it, being willing to believe it could happen was always the first step.

The cool part about this is you don’t need to know how you’re going to do it right away; you just have to be willing to try.

And being willing to try also means facing your old fears that might pop up during the process. I‘ve done a lot of work to heal my old tendency to self-sabotage, but it still likes to visit occasionally and I know it when I see it. The difference now is I don’t believe the voice in my head that says, “Come on, it’s ok to just have one cup. No one will know and how bad could it really be for you anyway? Billions of people drink coffee every day!”

I know now that the louder that voice gets, the closer I am to breaking through, so to start the process I just committed to being willing to quit coffee. 

Step 2. Shift Your Mindset & Focus on the Good Stuff

You’ve probably heard people talk about going on diets where you focus less on “giving up” certain things, and more on adding the good stuff in so before you know it, you’re “crowding out” your unhealthy habits without even really realizing it.

This works like a charm because you’re not spending all your time and effort focusing on what you’re not supposed to have.

You’re just adding good things in and not depriving yourself of anything to start. The idea being the more good things you add in, the less room there is for the bad stuff.

Your job is simply to focus on fueling yourself with things that are actually nourishing your body. Just that subtle mindset shift of being willing to put your energy into drinking things that make you feel good and are good for you is enough at first.

Step 3. Disrupt Your Pattern

So, I just started adding more of the good things I was supposed to be drinking to my morning routine before cutting out coffee completely. Here's how I did it:

Here's how I did it:

1. Instead of getting up and making a beeline for the coffee I started with a glass of filtered water with 1 Tb. of apple cider vinegar and a touch of organic honey mixed in.

2. Next I drank two glasses of filtered water and took my supplements.  

3. Then with my breakfast I’d have a turmeric latte with homemade coconut milk, which quickly became my new obsession. Check out Dr. Kelly Brogan’s turmeric paste recipe for a quick and easy way to whip one up on demand.

4. And after all that, I’d finally make myself a cup of coffee to drink while I was getting ready for the day.

This went on for a couple weeks and as more time passed I realized that I was only drinking about half a mug of the coffee I made every morning. Progress!

At some point I also started having Dr. Brogan's "KB Smoothie" a few times a week, which is delicious and stabilizes your blood sugar, and adding a smoothie drink to my morning routine also meant I had one more "good" thing to drink. You can watch Dr. Brogan make it below.

By putting all those other drinks ahead of the coffee I was filling up on the good stuff and by the time I got to the coffee I just wasn’t that psyched about the 5th or 6th drink of the morning. But, I was also never depriving myself of having the coffee either.

For the next week I did half regular and half decaf so I could gradually get used to the decrease in caffeine. And after 2 or 3 days I noticed I was only taking a few sips and by the time I thought about taking a sip again it was already cold.

And that’s when I knew I could really do it.

I believed it was possible. I believed it because I was already doing it, and because I was willing to keep doing it.

Step 4. Keep Going & Check Out Coffee Alternatives

Next, I went on an organic Yerba Mate and Matcha tea researching binge, both of which my doctor said would be ok, so I could find good options for both and have some coffee alternatives at the ready.

I discovered that your Yerba Mate should not be aged or smoked for the best taste and to retain the most nutrients and that there are grades of Matcha ranging from “culinary” to “ceremonial” in different shades of green (a little hint: the brighter the green the better the quality).

I bought loose Yerba Mate Chai tea leaves because I didn’t think just throwing a tea bag in a mug would do it for me ritual wise. Part of the comfort of having coffee was the daily ritual of making it so I wanted to have something to brew! And I love anything chai so I figured that combo would be a winner.

Matcha, which is a bright green powder made from ground up tea leaves, is traditionally made in a ceramic bowl with a bamboo whisk type thing and I wanted to be legit in my Matcha making so I bought those too. Plus—I liked that there was a ritual and process that went along with making it.

Good quality organic types of both can be more expensive than coffee, technically, but if you’re already dropping a couple dollars to get your fix at a coffee house every day you’ll actually save money.

The Yerba Mate I ended up liking the most is about $18 for a 12 ounce bag. And the Matcha is around $25 for a small tin of the good stuff, but you don't use very much for each cup and there are 25 servings in that little tin, so it’s not like you’ll go through it in a week or anything. There’s more in that little tin than you might think.

The ones I love are this one and this one.

Step 5. Take The Plunge

Next I took the final step and switched out my coffee for a cup of either Yerba Mate or Matcha and ditched the decaf. I told myself I could have a little decaf if I missed the coffee taste, but didn’t end up even wanting it.

I did get a headache for a few days, but I don’t think it was as bad as it could’ve been if I’d just stopped cold turkey. I also knew it wouldn’t last forever and took the throbbing in my head as a positive sign that the coffee addiction was leaving my system.

Now I’m proud to say I’ve been off coffee for about five months and I know I won’t go back.

My desire to feel rested, energetic, and well in general is way stronger than any momentary nostalgic pang I might get. And I'm happy to report I'm sleeping much better and deeper since I stopped, my energy is more steady and my complexion definitely has more of a glow than it did before.

I now alternate between Yerba Mate, Matcha and Turmeric Lattes based on what I feel like having in any given day, and even though the teas have a little caffeine, they don't hit my system with a jolt like coffee did and are commonly described as "clean caffeine" because they're much gentler on your system. 

And better than that, I don't have that I-have-to-have-it-now-or-I-can't-make-it-through-the-day feeling with the teas like I did with coffee. 

To understand the difference I did a little investigating. I discovered that a grande drip coffee from you know where has about 330 mg of caffeine, Matcha has 70 mg, Yerba Matte has 85mg and, for comparison's sake, decaf coffee has 25 mg of caffeine (1). I found this amazing site called Caffeine Informer where you can look up the caffeine content of pretty much any drink and it lists a bunch of different brands so you can check how much caffeine is in your favorite coffee, tea, soda or energy drink.

And besides the major drop in caffeine levels, Yerba Mate and Matcha also have a ton of health benefits.

Among other things, Matcha is chock-full of antioxidants, L-theanine (an amino acid that leads you to feel a "relaxed alertness"), vitamin C, selenium, chromium, zinc and magnesium, is alkalizing rather than acidic and boosts your body's natural ability to detoxify (2).

The benefits of Yerba Mate reportedly include stimulating your immune system, its anti-inflammatory properties, promoting healthy weight loss, and reducing your cholesterol levels, to name a few (3). 

All in all, it took me a month and a half to actually kick my coffee habit to the curb, but I know it wouldn’t have worked for me if I’d tried to white knuckle it. That’s the important thing here.

I know myself well and if I’d followed the suggestions I read online that said to just set a strict deadline and force yourself to stop cold turkey it wouldn’t have worked for me. I know pushing myself to do something without getting the mindset piece in place first is not the way to go. That’s what I used to do, but now I trust that my intuition and belief that I can do it will get me there and they always do.

Something to note: I am (obviously) not a doctor, so I reccommend you do your own research and talk to your doctor about what’s best for you and your situation if you decide to give this a try. This is simply what worked for me, but everyone is different. This is not intended as, and shouldn’t be taken, as medical advice.

References:

1. https://www.caffeineinformer.com/the-caffeine-database
2. https://draxe.com/matcha-green-tea-burns-fat-and-kills-cancer/
3. https://draxe.com/yerba-mate/

Over the past year and a half I’ve shared a lot about what was going on with me in terms of my spiritual and personal growth, but the one thing I didn’t share about publicly was the debilitating burnout I was experiencing in the midst of it all.

I didn’t write or talk about it at first because I didn’t want it to be happening to me. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t “do it all” and was worried what people would think. I was ashamed I couldn’t just suck it up and push through like so many other people seemed to do.

I mean, we all know people who are stressed all the time and seem like they’re exhausted and overwhelmed, but they keep going and push through it all, right? 

But then it got to the point where I couldn’t remember anything and could barely put two words together, and that's when I got really scared.

Burning Out

It all started in the summer of 2015 when I went to get a bridesmaids dress shortened I'd bought two months earlier and I couldn’t zip it up. 

I thought it was weird because I hadn’t changed my eating or exercise habits, but the fact was I’d gone up a size without realizing it. And I’d felt tired and kind of out of it too, which I figured was from being stressed out and “busy.” 

But a few weeks later I started having trouble keeping up at work because I couldn’t think straight. I was getting really overwhelmed by simple things that wouldn’t have fazed me in the past, but instead of slowing down I just tried to be more organized, make better to-do lists, and work later to try and keep up. 

I didn’t want to give in to how I was feeling and blamed myself for not being able to “get it together,” so I pushed myself harder. I drank more coffee and slept less.

I even stopped meditating because it became one more thing on my to-do list that I didn’t have the energy to make time for. I just tried to keep going. I mean, I didn’t have time to deal with the SOS signals my body was sending me, right? I was busy!

But as the months passed, I went from simply not feeling great and being a little foggy to barely functioning.

I gained 20 pounds in the blink of an eye, was so “wired and tired” that I rarely slept more than 4 hours a night, had trouble keeping my balance thanks to daily dizzy spells, and felt like I was stuck in a never ending dance between fight and flight. 

I couldn’t keep going at the level I was at before in terms of physical energy, but I also just didn’t have the mental energy to keep all the balls I was juggling in the air. 

Before I knew it, I found myself sitting in meetings unable to comprehend what people were saying. I just couldn't put the words together in my mind to make sense of them, and my short-term memory was shot.

It’s hard to explain what that felt like, but it’s kind of like being in a constant state of panic because you can’t grasp on to any thoughts or think clearly, much less strategically. I tried to write down as much as I could because I’d forget what people said as little as 5 minutes later, but then I’d forget to even look at my notes, so that coping mechanism didn’t really pan out all that well.

It’s bad enough to feel like you can’t remember much, but the confusion and distortion of reality that comes along with this level of “brain fog” can best be described as feeling like you’re slowly losing your mind. I became completely disconnected from my intuition, lost my sense of center and felt like I couldn’t trust myself all in a matter of months.

I felt like everything was falling apart around me. 

I hadn’t felt well for close to 8 months by then and had been to multiple doctors who’d diagnosed me with everything from Adrenal Fatigue and Hypothyroidism to Epstein Barr, among other things, but the various steps and multiple medications I was taking didn't really seem to be working. I felt like I was getting worse instead of better.

And then last spring, I truly hit a wall.

I'd essentially dropped out of my life beyond work because I didn’t have the energy or clarity to deal with anything or anyone else. I spent the majority of my weekends sleeping and, most days, just getting myself up, dressed and out the door was my major accomplishment.

I was at my wits end and felt like I wasn’t actually living my life, but simply surviving it.

I reluctantly followed my doctor’s advice and took a medical leave from work because I was out of options in the state I was in. I’d reached the point where I literally couldn’t do my job, but I think I’d been hesitant to take that step because it made the seriousness of what was going on all too real.

I was also terrified of what people would think. Would they think I wasn’t strong enough to push through it? Would they think I wasn’t capable? Would I be letting everyone down? 

And I have to admit that reaction surprised me a bit because I’d done so much work on releasing my fear of judgment, rejection, and asking for help by then that I thought I was past all that, but all those fears came roaring back when I had to make that decision.  

And those weeks felt like what you might describe as a dark night of the soul.

They were full of countless doctors appointments, sleepless nights and feeling worse before I felt better, but in that space where I was focused solely on my health I somehow started to find my way back to the intuitive connection I'd lost somewhere in the fog.

When I was forced to slow down and rest I could see I'd been stressing myself out even more by trying to power through when I needed to push pause.

And as I started to try and understand why my default response was to push full steam ahead instead of slowing down, I thought back to the Judgment Detox workshop Gabby Bernstein had given a few months earlier.  

As I looked back through my notes and thought about everything she'd said I realized just how much I was judging myself, how judged I was feeling because of it and how my fear of being judged had taken root in all areas of my life, including my health.

I’d been judging myself big time for getting burned out and sick in the first place, for not being able to push through it and for having to take the medical leave to get back on my feet. And I’d assumed other people would judge me for it too, which was just making me feel worse.

Bouncing Back

I’d thought being stressed out, too busy and not feeling well were the causes of my unhappiness, and those were the causes on the surface. But really, it was my resistance to facing the fears buried underneath all the stress and health issues that had been keeping me stuck, and sick.

I realized that even with all the spiritual and personal growth I’d experienced over the past few years, I was still equating being “busy” with being “worthy.”

When I understood that, I could see the purpose of it all. For so many months I’d asked over and over again, “why is this happening to me?” And I could finally see that this was happening to help me, not to hurt me.

Everything I was going through was bringing all the fears I’d said I wanted to heal to the surface and giving me the opportunity to do just that.

When I look at it that way it makes perfect sense to me. My body essentially forced me to slow down so I could see my life wasn’t falling apart, it was actually falling into place perfectly so I could heal the fears that kept showing up. 

My penchant for perfectionism, lack of confidence in speaking up for myself, not wanting to inconvenience people by asking for help and playing small so I could be “safe,” which had all become the ways I protected myself from being judged or rejected, had all played a role when I tried to brush off feeling more tired than normal in the beginning and didn’t put myself first.

I’d valued being busy more than I’d valued my health and myself.

But going through this experience of being exhausted and confused all the time meant I couldn’t keep it all together. In order to survive I had to admit I wasn’t perfect, I had to ask for help, I had to be vulnerable and take the chance I might be judged for it.

I had to speak up for myself, have uncomfortable conversations, and put myself first. I had to do everything I was afraid of doing. And to do it all, I had to stop judging myself to break the cycle. 

So I chose to lean into the resistance I was feeling and finally face my fears. It may sound simplistic to say that’s just a choice we make, but that’s really what it is.

We can choose to resist looking at our fears or we can choose to face and feel them. It’s not always easy, but it is that simple. And when I made that choice things started to change.

When I returned to work after a 6-week leave I finally felt like I was slowly starting to emerge from the fog.

I channeled all that energy I’d been wasting on stressing, judging and worrying into deepening my spiritual practice, focusing on my health, doing the best job I could at work, and feeling what I needed to feel.

And by doing all of those things I was letting my intuitive connection grow stronger because I wasn’t fighting against what was happening. By surrendering and making peace with the process I was going through I stopped resisting the lessons I needed to learn and started to heal.

Breaking Through

At this point, I felt better emotionally and mentally than I had in months, but that was only half the story.

My body had been through a lot and my endocrine and immune systems had been in crisis mode for a year, so I felt like I needed to seek a more holistic kind of treatment that would go deeper than just medicating my symptoms. And that’s when I found Dr. Kelly Brogan.

My mom had mentioned her to me before, but I’d been resistant because I knew going to see Dr. Brogan would mean looking at all areas of my life and doing a major overhaul of everything including what I ate, the products I used, the medicine I was taking, and really, the way I was living day-to-day. But with my internal voice back in the driver’s seat I knew I was ready to take the plunge. I knew I had the chance to live a new kind of life and I was ready to live it. The doubt and resistance just disappeared when I thought about it that way.

And at my first appointment I felt more seen and heard by Dr. Brogan than I had by any doctor I’d ever been to in my entire life.

Everyone else just wanted to write me a prescription to suppress my symptoms, but she actually cared where they were coming from and wanted to get to the root cause and believed I could heal without popping pills for the rest of my life, which was music to my ears.

She helped open my eyes even wider to see why I was going through this, not just from a medical perspective, but also from a spiritual one. And although I couldn’t imagine how I’d actually be able to get off the plethora of meds I was taking, I trusted the intuitive voice that was telling me I could trust her to lead me in the right direction.

As I made the changes she suggested I started to feel better and I realized I’d been fighting listening to my intuition all along because I didn’t want what it was telling me to be true.

It was saying the lifestyle I’d created wasn’t working for me. It was telling me to slow down. It was telling me to take a serious look at the root causes of the symptoms and stress I was experiencing.

It was also telling me to speak up and ask for help and admit I couldn’t do everything by myself. It was telling me to stop resisting and let myself be guided. It was telling me I needed to walk my talk. 

As all of this became clear to me late last summer I knew that I needed to fully embrace this new direction my life was taking me in.

It was pretty clear everything I’d been going through was a wake-up call and that it was up to me to listen, or not. 

So, I decided to take a leap of faith and make a huge change. I just knew it was the right time and that I was doing it for the right reasons, which is an annoying explanation, I know. Whenever I’ve asked someone about making a big decision and they’ve said, “You’ll just know when you know” my reaction was something akin to “Huh? But how will I know when I know?!” But the truth is, that’s really what happens. I just knew when I knew.

I'd been working at ELLE heading up PR and editorial brand strategy for nearly three years, and loved it, but as I continued to dive further into my own healing I felt more and more passionate about wanting to do something new.

I wanted to do something entrepreneurial where I could take all the publicity and branding knowledge I’d gained during my 15-year career and fuse it with the mindfulness and stress resilience tools I’d used to heal myself and that I’d seen help so many people around me.

And to do that I knew I had to take another pause and make my physical healing a priority so that dream could become a reality.

So, in September, I left my full-time job at ELLE and transitioned to working from home as a consultant on editorial projects for them through the end of the year. When I told my boss I wanted to make a change she was incredibly supportive and gracious, as she had been throughout my whole ordeal for the year prior, and I’ll always be grateful for the incredible experience I had working there. 

And as I start this new chapter, I'm excited to be bringing all my skills and passions together to do a number of different things including writing, life coaching, and media training & public speaking coaching and consulting with a mindful twist.

For the past few months I've been working on staying present and building the foundation of my business, but I've spent the majority of my time focusing on my health and wellness. Coming back from a full-blown burnout like mine takes some time, but I’m happy to say I’m off all the prescription medication I was taking and am feeling stronger every day.

I know now that everything seemingly “fell apart” for me when it did because I was ready and willing to handle it, whether I knew it or not.

After all, through all the ups and downs I learned how to trust myself again. I found my voice and nurtured the confidence I needed to use it. I learned how to speak up for myself with conviction and how to ask for help without judging myself for needing it. I started living my life again, instead of just surviving it.

So, I wouldn’t change a single thing I’ve been through. It all got me to where I am today and where I am feels good. It feels fresh and new and full of possibility.

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Birthdays always bring out my reflective side, so I thought I'd share 36 things I've lived and learned over the past 36 years as I celebrate the beginning of year 37. 

I think this list is probably a product of all the influences I’ve had throughout my life from childhood until now, but really came in to form when I discovered the work of teachers like Brené Brown, Gabby Bernstein, and Marianne Williamson a couple years ago. Their teachings are the thread through this list for sure, but overall, it is my interpretation of the messages found in their work and the things I've learned from friends, family, and strangers alike who have touched my life.

It is my expression of the lessons I’ve seen to be true in my own life and the ones I am still learning more about every day. 

1.  You get what you give.

2.  We’re all in this together.

3.  Perfection is an illusion.

4.  You always have a choice.

5.  Doubt doesn't always mean don't.

6.  We are all teachers, and students.

7.  Gratitude will change your attitude.

8.  Comfort and certainty are overrated.

9. You have to feel things to heal them.

10.  It’s ok to be vulnerable and ask for help.

11.  The light you see in others is a reflection of your own light.

12.  Believing you are enough is enough. 

13.  Sharing your story can help others discover theirs.

14.  True friendship stands the test of time and distance.

15.  Choosing to forgive instead of judge will set you free.

16.  It’s ok to admit you don’t know what you don’t know. 

17.  Choosing love over fear is the answer to every problem.

18.  There are always two sides of the street.

19.  Cultivating inner peace automatically creates outer peace.

20.  Sometimes the best advice is the kind you give to yourself.

21.  Kindness is the best bottom line, starting line, and finish line.

22.  Giving another person your undivided attention matters, a lot.

23.  Following your intuition will always lead you in the right direction.

24.  Not knowing what’s going to happen means anything is possible!

25.  Forgiving your thoughts will change how you experience your life

26.  People can change, but the only person you can change is yourself.

27.  Being willing to look at your behavior is the first step to change it.

28.  Creating the time and space to sit in stillness is the cure for indecision.

29.  When it feels like things are falling apart, they’re often falling into place.

30.  You have to build trust with yourself in order to build it with anyone else.

31.  Every relationship and interaction we have is there to teach us something.

32.  You can transform self-doubt into self-confidence by showing up for yourself.

33.  Our experience of the present moment is exactly what we choose for it to be.

34.  The words we speak and think have the power and meaning we give to them.

35.  What you say about other people says more about you than it does about them.

36.  The more we keep it real and tell the truth, the more we heal and the happier we become.

And there you have it! I’d love to hear some of yours. Email me at susie@susiedraper.com to share. 

xx, Susie

What do you think of when I say, "be the light?" Do you think that sounds like a nice idea that people talk about, but don’t really do? I mean, how can a person actually BE the light, right?

What about the times we feel like we're living more in the dark than the light? And what does it say about us when we admire or despise certain qualities in other people?  

Click below to listen to me dive into this topic on the SHINE & SEEK podcast (and subscribe on iTunes) or keep reading to check out the highlights before you jump in.

So what does it mean to let our light shine, or to “be the light?" 

You might not even know what I'm talking about, or perhaps you're afraid of shining bright because you're worried about what people would think of you. Or you might feel like stepping fully into your light would extinguish the light of those around you. 

On the flip side, some people can feel like letting the people around them shine will in some way dim their own light. But in my experience, quite the opposite is true. 

As Marianne Williamson wrote in her book, A Return To Love: "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

To me, "being the light" doesn't mean being a perfectly positive person who is blissfully happy all the time and never makes mistakes.

It means doing things that make me feel free and peaceful, surrendering control, trusting my intuition, showing compassion and kindness to myself and others, and believing the simple truth that I am enough. It is about bringing light to the places that are dark.

It is about looking for opportunities to lift someone else up. It is about making a conscious effort to do the things I know make my own light shine brighter so I can also help other people recognize the light that is within them.

The idea Marianne writes about—that letting our own light shine helps others shine too—makes me think about something I first learned from Gabby Bernstein that I now know to be a universal truth. I'm paraphrasing here, but the essence was that what you admire in others is a recognition of that thing in you, or, the light you see in others is a reflection of your own light.

For example, I really admire people who get up on stage and give inspiring talks. I resonate with what they're saying, but I also admire the courage and vulnerability they're showing by putting themselves out there in that way. 

So, how is what I see in them a reflection of my light?

I think it's reflecting back to me that I identify with wanting to use my voice in a way that helps others. I think it means that I have the desire to express myself in a way that makes me feel like I'm being truthful and authentic.

I think their expression of that light touches me so deeply because I feel aligned with it. And the way I express it might be totally different. I might be able to talk to a friend who’s going through a tough time and bring that vulnerability and authenticity into the conversation so they know they are not alone.

You might just show up for your life day in and day out with more truth and compassion and speak up for yourself more than you used to.

It's not about doing it in exactly the same way, it's about doing it in a way that feels real and true for you. It's about being the lighthouse.

Looking at things from this perspective really changed the way I think about people I admire. To not put them on a pedestal, but to recognize myself in them, as we can all recognize parts of ourselves in everyone we meet if we’re paying attention. 

This reflection of light also comes into play when you see something in another person you really don't like, and your shadow is being reflected back at you instead.

Usually, we don't want to feel whatever dark spot they triggered so we lash out or judge them instead.

This can be a tough thing to accept and I'm sure we'd all prefer to believe that what irritates us about other people has nothing to do with us. But as my friend and A Course in Miracles teacher Anne Marie Imperiale said at one of her classes recently, "Somebody can't trigger something in you that's not a trigger." Boom.

Basically, whatever the other person is doing that is pissing you off or pushing your buttons wouldn't bother you as much if there wasn't a part of you that recognized that same behavior in yourself. 

In that kind of situation we have two choices. We can be judgmental and attack or we can recognize that the other person is us, be compassionate, and ask how we can help.

One option will help both of us heal and one will make both of us feel worse. Can you guess which is which?

I think extending kindness to someone else struggling with the very thing we struggle with plants a new seed in our brains that we’re not alone in it either. Choosing to bring the light to that situation can help both of us shine a little brighter.

One thing I know for sure is that we all have the ability to let more light into our lives, and I hope some of the things I’ve shared here have helped you tap into how you can see that light in yourself so you can be it and share it. 

If you listened to your thoughts for even 5 minutes you’d likely see that you’re bringing a whole lot of the past and the future into your present. The idea of being "more present" is easy to talk about, but it can be a challenge to put it into practice.

People have many different ways of trying to be more present, but understanding why I was bringing the past and future into today is something that has helped me to actually be more in each moment as it's happening. 

There is a great quote that speaks to this that has been attributed to a number of people, including Alice Morse Earle, Bill Keane, and Eleanor Roosevelt: "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present."

If you really think about each part of that quote it will change your life. So let’s break each one down.

Yesterday is history.

I interpret this as a way to look at our past and take the lessons we’ve learned with us, as we do when we learn history in school. We were taught about all kinds of things that happened in the world over time and the things that were born of fear and hate were taught, in part, so we would not allow that history to be repeated.

We learn about times of oppression and war, not so we can be better oppressors or know how to fight a battle, we learn about those things so we can have some perspective on what the generations that came before us went through and so we can learn from their mistakes.

So we can take the knowledge we've gained about what happened and understand the destruction that results from acting from a place of fear and have gratitude for the brave people that stood up and spoke out in love. 

Now take that idea into your own life.

I personally have taken my sweet time to learn certain lessons, and history kept repeating itself over and over again until I finally got it. Part of this is because we are bringing the past into every present moment with us.

We often judge situations and people in the present based on something that happened to us in the past. And when we do that, history keeps repeating itself because we keep bringing it along for the ride.

This is not so say that our pasts don’t have great value to us as teachers, but the trouble comes when we keep judging ourselves by who we were yesterday instead of who we are trying to be today.

Marianne Williamson talks about this idea a lot when it comes to relationships. How the marriages and partnerships that thrive after many years are the ones where the other person is willing to see their partner with new eyes every day, and is willing to let the other person be someone they were not yesterday.

So, once we've looked at our history, our past, it's our responsibility to take the lessons into the present with us, but we also have to forgive and release the pain in our past so we don't bring that along too.

Tomorrow is a mystery.

The thing that trips a lot of people up about the future is that we don't know exactly what is going to happen, it is uncertain. And uncertainty freaks us out.

Not knowing what's going to happen usually equals “something bad” in our minds. But the truth is, not knowing what's going to happen means anything could happen. It means that anything is possible. And how we perceive that uncertainty changes our experience of it. 

This is where looking at the past for a history lesson and reality check can be helpful. If you look at your past there will no doubt be some tough times, but if you’re still here you clearly came out on the other side of them, right? So why would you think the future would be any different?

Adversity sucks while we’re in the middle of it, but we're usually a better person for the experience and come through it having learned a lesson.

So what would happen if we used those times as evidence that we can handle whatever happens to us in the future? Would we fear the uncertainty a little less? 

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

This one can be a little tough to grasp because we are usually so wrapped up in either thinking about the past or the future that we are rarely in the present moment.

You might be thinking, "but you are creating your future by everything you do in the present, so don’t you have to think about your present and your future in the same breath?" Yes and no.

Yes, because it's true each choice you make today will play a part in shaping your tomorrow. BUT, if you’re so busy trying to control the outcome of your future you might miss the interesting turn in the road that just popped up in the present moment.

You might overlook it because it doesn’t happen to fit with your idea of what the future should look like.

So, part of being in the present moment is having faith that whatever decisions you make and experiences you have are leading you down the path to the future you’re meant to have.

Putting that amount of trust in yourself and the universe can feel a little scary, but isn’t it scarier to live your life wrapped up in the past or trying to control and predict the future?

By focusing on building trust with yourself in the present moment you're actually investing in your present and your future.

Another way I think about it is: The past is what it was. The future will be what it will be. But the present is exactly what we choose for it to be.

We often don't think about each day as a gift until something happens to us or someone close to us that makes us remember this, but that doesn't have to be the case.

Every time we put down our phone, look into someone's eyes, and truly give another person our undivided attention we are realizing that gift of the present and of our presence.

Simply being present with the people in your life, and yourself, is a gift in itself. 

You might think this idea sounds nuts, but I'm finding that really examining what we feel guilty about and choosing to look at those moments through a non-judgmental lens can help us much more than we realize. I talk this idea through in the latest episode of the SHINE & SEEK podcast and really delve into what our guilt is trying to tell us and how we can use it as an opportunity to bring our darkness to the light. 

Keep reading for more on this topic or jump right in and listen in the player above or by subscribing on iTunes. And be sure to check out the resources I list at the end of this post where you can find out more about Brené Brown, who I mention throughout the podcast. She has greatly influenced how I think about guilt and I wish everyone in the world could be exposed to her work and message.

To break this down I think it’s important to look at what “guilt” actually means. Guilt, as the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it, is: "a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong." Sounds like a good gut check moment when you think about it in those terms, but we often don't see if that way because instead of getting curious and looking at it we let judgement and blame run the show.

Simply put, when we let ourselves witness and feel the emotion of guilt it’s really like we’re holding up a mirror to our behavior to see if we like the reflection. And if we don’t, we'll often immediately go in to blaming ourselves and thinking how awful we are when that is probably the least helpful thing we can do, and quite different from taking responsibility. When you get into that cycle of blaming and beating yourself up it’s very easy to slip into shame, which is very different from guilt.

A great teacher on this subject is researcher, professor, and author Brené Brown. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she explains how guilt is the feeling that we did something bad, and shame is the feeling that we are bad. Or, instead of thinking we made a mistake, we think we are a mistake. One is a reflection on behavior and one is about who we are as a human being.  

She writes, "We feel guilty when we hold up something we've done or failed to do against the kind of person we want to be. It's an uncomfortable feeling, but one that's helpful. When we apologize for something we've done, make amends to others, or change a behavior that we don't feel good about, guilt is most often the motivator. Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its effect is often positive while shame often is destructive."

So, if we can stop the blame game and take that opportunity to choose again, learn from our mistakes, take responsibility for them, and forgive ourselves guilt can be something that helps us do better next time. It can be something that moves us in the right direction, instead of something that makes us launch into a never-ending cycle of judgment and blame. 

It's really just a reminder from the best version of ourselves that we did something that isn’t in line with how we want to show up in the world, and if we can look at it from a loving perspective we can use that guilty feeling as a chance to recalibrate and reset.

We can ask how we can move through it and learn the lesson without beating ourselves up. We can choose again.

Check out Brené Brown's TED talks and books below. She is funny and real and vulnerable and I hope what she has to say resonates with you and shifts your perspective, even just a little bit.

I'm on day 12 of a 40-day judgment detox and at this point I'm really starting to not just put the steps into practice on a daily basis, but to also reflect on how judgment plays a role in friendship.

It also happens to be one year to the day since I had the most transformational week of my life. And I realize as I've been looking back on that week, reading my journal entires from that time, and thinking about why it was such a powerful experience for me that one of the incredible things about that experience was that is was truly free of judgment.

I had gathered with 60 women (and one man!) for level 2 of Gabby Bernstein's Spirit Junkie Masterclass at Kripalu, and the moment our time together began I knew that my life would never be the same.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this sensation, but it was kind-of like I was realizing that something was changing my life while I was in the middle of living it.

It was like an immediate and unbreakable bond of trust, love, and acceptance was formed instantly in this group of people who were from all different walks of life, but joined together by the desire to choose love over fear and show up with that intention in every part of their lives. 

Witnessing all the bravery, honesty, strength, vulnerability, humor, and grace every single person in our group brought to Kripalu shifted everything for me.

Being surrounded by their light awakened the light within me.

The presence of each person’s story in my heart and their willingness to share it to help others serves as a constant reminder to me that love is the only thing that is real.

And one of the keys to letting ourselves be so open and feel that deep connection to one another was the absence of judgment. And it was effortless.

Like I actually did not feel the urge to judge anyone for anything they said or did. That week was transformational for me for so many reasons, but beyond all the healing and internal shifts I had, one of the things I am most grateful for is the people I got to meet and now call my friends.

I learned so much from the lessons Gabby taught us at Kripalu, but her ability to hold a judgment free space for the group, while being vulnerable, strong, wise, endearing and funny all at the same time is one of things I admire most about her.

And that lesson to use your presence as your power and make people feel like they are loved, safe, seen, and heard is something I hope to be able to bring into all the friendships I have and will have in the future. 

After that experience, and particularly during this judgment detox, I've also realized that I am truly blessed to have so many friends that I can tell anything to without fearing they'd judge me.

They might have a different opinion or react in some way, but underneath it all I know they don't think less of me for being vulnerable, honest, and real. I know they love me more because I am those things. And the really cool thing is I have those kinds of non-judgmental relationships with friends I've known for a few months and ones I've known for 30 years. 

Take my girlfriends from growing up, who are some of my favorite people on the planet. Just being in their presence is the definition of joy to me.

We’ve seen each other at our best, worst, and everywhere in between and all we expect is for everyone to be who they really are. We all love each other more because we are not perfect. 

They were right there next to me for most of my “firsts” as a teenager and now I get to hold their sweet babies, see them get married, and witness their lives unfolding and evolving with each passing year. What could be better than that?

And the even more amazing part of it to me is we can all be separated and spread out across the country and some of us can go years without seeing one another, but the instant we’re back together it’s like not a day has passed, in the best possible way.

Many of us have very different lives now, but at the core we understand and know each other on a level that can’t quite be put into words. I am so grateful to know that kind of friendship. And to know that we will always be there for one another, no matter what. 

Then I have all the friends I've made along the way from then until now. As an 18-year-old California girl who left everything I knew behind to go to college in Boston and as a 20-something who landed in NYC full of excitement and anxiety about what my life as an adult might be like.

And over the past 15 years as my career in the fashion and magazine industries has led me to work at a handful of great companies where I have found true friendship that will last a lifetime.

I have also met so many other wonderful friends through Gabby's spirit junkie community over the past year and a half, and the thread through all these stages of my life and the friends I've made is being able to truly be myself in their presence without fear of judgment. And I hope that I have been able to give them that same feeling when they are in my presence.

Now sure, I've had bumps in the road with friends along the way, but ones I don't keep in close touch with anymore or ones I haven't spoken to in years still hold a very special place in my heart.

I truly believe we all meet for a reason and that those friendships were meant to be.

We can all learn so much from one another if we simply take a moment to look at each relationship we have as an opportunity to grow and learn the lessons we are meant to learn in this life.

A lesson I hope we can all learn is that judgment is a choice to look through the eyes of fear, and it's up to us whether we do that or choose love instead.

One of the major things I've learned is that focusing on cultivating the peace in your inner life is what will create that sense of peace and balance in your entire life. 

So, if that's something you're looking for you've come to the right place! In this week's podcast I share the three steps I take to tap into and expand my sense of inner peace, and how you can do it too. 

I know these things work because they have worked for me and the good news is you can do them in as little as 15 minutes a day, so you have nothing lose by giving it a try. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll notice a major difference in how you feel, act, and BE.

Click below to listen to the podcast and keep reading for a quick look at the steps. I'd also add, if you find yourself feeling super resistant and basically hating the idea of doing any of this stuff, I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that is a sure sign it's exactly what you need to do. Let me know how it goes!!

1. QUIET YOUR MIND

I was super resistant to even trying meditation for a long time. I mean, it sounded nice I guess, but sitting quietly while my thoughts swirled around in my head was pretty much the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. But it became clear to me it was exactly what I needed once I finally gave it a chance and, eventually, committed to doing it as a daily practice.

If you're just starting out and pure silence feels like too much to handle, a great way to ease in to it is to pick a super relaxing song you love, put it on, and sit with your eyes closed while you listen to it (Sarah McLachlan does it for me). And then just breathe and let whatever thoughts you have come up, and try not to judge them.

You don't have to clear your mind of thoughts, just think of it like you're practicing getting more comfortable being with your thoughts. 

2. GET YOUR THOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR HEAD

Have you ever heard of Morning Pages? It is a simple practice, but really powerful and not just for people who like writing or journaling. I think of it as burning off a layer of the morning fog in my brain. Meditation starts the fog burning process, and morning pages brings it home. 

I was introduced to the concept of Morning Pages in Julia Cameron's genius book, The Artist's Way, and was surprised at how much doing this practice helped me process my thoughts. The official description from her site is:

"Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. *There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages*–they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind– and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize and synchronize the day at hand. Do not over-think Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow."

I know you might be thinking, "There is NO way I could fill three pages with deep thoughts every morning!" And you might be right, but it doesn't matter. That is the simplistic beauty of Morning Pages. Sometimes what I write is revelatory, but often it's just a stream of consciousness list of the stuff that's taking up space in my head.

This is not supposed to be a masterpiece, and no one is going to see it but you. It's just a space where you can let your worries, hopes, fears, gratitude, etc. flow on to the page without giving a thought to how any of it sounds, if you spelled that word right, or what other people will think. It's totally freeing.

3. LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK

When we're stressed and overwhelmed we tend to be harder on ourselves for not doing everything perfectly, but in my experience all that does is make the situation worse.

Sometimes, you just need to stop judging and let yourself off the hook. So, your job in that moment is to do the best you can and forgive yourself when everything doesn't go according to plan.

Just think, what would it be like if you gave yourself permission to be free from that kind of judgment?

This can be challenging at first, but each time you essentially surrender it all and trust that somehow all the important things will get done, they do. Remember, done is better than perfect!

And each time you have a little victory and things work out because you let yourself be imperfect, you're planting another seed in your mind that you don't need to stress yourself out in order to get things done. 

Do you ever find yourself falling back into old habits and not even really realizing it? One of mine is frantically polling everyone around me and asking them what they think I should do. And the crazy thing is I know when I'm doing it that what I'm really doing is looking for external validation to either affirm or contradict what I maybe kind-of sorta think I should do. But the thing about searching outside yourself for the answer is...it doesn't work. In most situations we really do know what to do, but a lot of us have trouble hearing that answer. So, when I feel like I'm in that place there are a few things I do to move through it.

I often find it super helpful to talk something through with a few trusted people, and I feel fortunate to have friends who can help me release the need to over analyze and remind me that I likely already know the answer deep down inside. The ability of someone to reflect that back to you when you're on the verge of a freak out is priceless. But even after talking it out we can still have a hard time truly trusting we know what to do next, so creating pockets of stillness to allow that inner knowing to come forth is often the best next step.

Building that trust with myself is something I work at on a daily basis, and even though I veer off course sometimes, I'm able to regroup and get back on track when I focus on what is true and trust that my intuition is leading me in the right direction.

Sometimes, when it comes to trusting if the answer I'm hearing is true for me I'll think of a simple question posed in A Course In Miracles: Would you rather be right or happy? Because underneath whatever decision we're trying to make in the moment, the real decision is often whether we'd rather be right or happy. I've heard Gabby Bernstein and Marianne Williamson repeat this question more times than I count, but lately I'd felt a little stuck in needing to be right and have been sacrificing my happiness as a result. But I also know I have the choice to shift that for myself, so I choose happy. 

I filmed this video after Gabby's Judgment Detox workshop and a day spent with the spirit junkie girls (and boys!) I have come to know and love. I am eternally grateful for the wisdom, compassion, and clarity they continually bring to my life. I felt like things that had been weighing on me were lifted after releasing some of the judgment I'd been carrying, so I decided to get back in the game and talk it out on video. I hope something I explore might be just the thing you needed to hear today.

It's a simple truth that you must witness your behavior if you want to change it. Obvious, right? Not always. Often times our unconscious reflex can be to push down any negative or fear based thoughts we have without even thinking about it. We don't want to look behind the curtain to see where they’re coming from, or fact check if they’re even true because...why? Is it because we think dredging up all the old stuff we've been trying to hide from will only make it worse? Or because we think focusing on our fears and giving them attention will only make them more powerful? 

The truth is, denying that those fears exist is the thing that will give them strength. If you can admit how fear is driving your actions and thoughts, you can begin to peel back the layers to figure out why it’s there in the first place. You can investigate why you believe the fear is real. 

In this week's episode of the SHINE & SEEK podcast I dive in to this topic and talk about why looking at your fear and witnessing it when it comes up is the key to clearing it from your life. I also touch on my experience with Gabby Bernstein's best-selling book, May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness, to share how the lesson from the first day in particular helped me identify and get real about my fears, and how it can help you do the same. Thanks for listening! 

If you want more information about the people and things I mentioned in the podcast click on one of the links below:

• My incredibly wise life coach Gina Lorenzo
• Gabby Bernstein
•  May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness

Ok, it's true confession time. I've been suffering from a bit of writer's block. Actually that's a lie. I've been writing a ton, but my perfectionistic tendencies have been challenging me and I haven't been able to hit the publish button on anything I've written lately. This led me to think about what to do next, which got me thinking about what I usually do when I don't know what to do. The answer to that is very different now than it used to be. In the past, I would have done a few things without even really thinking about it, like:

1. Asking a ton of other people what they think I should do
2. Stressing out, beating myself up, and overanalyzing the situation
3. Telling myself I just need to go faster and force myself to push through it

Thankfully, I did none of things. So what did I do? I meditated. I've learned that creating a moment of stillness so I can hear what my inner voice is trying to tell me is the most crucial step I can take to figure out what I actually think.  

Cut to me coming out of my meditation and hearing "just talk about what you want to write about until you're ready to dive back in." So...I whipped out my iPhone and recorded a mini podcast talking about what you can do when you don't know what to do. And I have to say it did feel like the right next step. Which is super weird to me because I've usually had a much easier time expressing myself through the written word, rather than speaking off the cuff, but I think that might be why it was good for me to do. My logical mind's decision would definitely not have been, "I know, let's tape a podcast!" But more often than not, reconnecting to your intuition and being led to do something outside your comfort zone is usually the answer you didn't even know you were looking for.

If you're interested, you can check out my podcast debut below (caution: in the interest of not being perfectionistic I did not edit the podcast and say "you know," "kind-of," and "um," like a lot). Thanks for listening!

Messages I need to hear have a way of showing up. And showing up. And showing up some more, until I pause long enough to actually hear them.

After I posted the video I made about working to overcome my fear of public speaking on Facebook, something unexpected happened.

My page was flooded with overwhelmingly positive comments from people I've known at all different stages of my life. Such incredible notes of encouragement and love kept showing up in the comments on that post and I was shocked, surprised, and moved by the support.

What came next though, was another unexpected moment. I realized I was super uncomfortable with the praise, which seems so silly when I think about it logically. I mean, who doesn't love to have people say nice things about them and to them? But that was how I felt, so I started to get curious about where that was coming from and how I could shift that perception.  

Cut to yesterday when I go to check the daily affirmation message in Gabby Bernstein's Spirit Junkie App, and as usual, it is exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. The affirmation was short and sweet: "It's not about me."

You may be wondering what the hell that has to do with being able to gracefully accept and welcome compliments into your life, but trust me there is a link there that needs to be explored.

So today, after I got home from an inspiring Miracles & Meditation class led by Danielle Mercurio and Anne Marie Imperiale,  two wise and wonderful teachers, I decided to give video another whirl and talk through my thoughts about all of the above. Here goes...

I could not be happier to share that the very thing that catapulted me forward into the exploration of how I want to show up and be in the world is now available as a digital course you can take at your own pace online! Just thinking about the thousands of lives that will be changed for the better because this training and experience is now open to those who may not be able to attend the live event with Gabby in NYC brings me an overwhelming sense of joy.

I wrote the below in my journal about a week after my first Spirit Junkie Masterclass experience so I could start to process it all. Here is a snapshot of what the opening night of that weekend was like for me... 

It’s complicated to try and describe the moment when you have the realization that something is changing your life while you’re literally in the middle of it happening. When you crack open and know that you are forever changed. And that’s just what happened to me at Gabrielle Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass.

Last Friday night, 250 like-minded women (and a few amazing men!) traveled from as far as Australia, and as close as around the corner, to gather together for a weekend in New York to hear the gospel according to Gabby.

When Gabby stepped on stage that first night, the room erupted like a rock star had just taken to the stage at Madison Square Garden, and in truth, one had. Dressed all in white, with killer heels and a blond halo of soft waves—she literally looked like an angel. The feeling of love and excitement was palpable.

Seeing the pure joy in Gabby’s face and the light pouring forth from within her actually moved me to tears before she even said a word. Next came the part when I thought, oh shit, awkward. She told us to hug the people all around us and introduce ourselves.

I am not really in the habit of hugging strangers and I instantly felt fear creep in. I did it, but my heart was not in it. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to be there?

These women are all much more spiritual than me, I thought.

They are all healers and life-coaches and yoga teachers and I’m just a PR girl looking for purpose, I thought.

After settling back in our seats we began with a meditation. I instantly felt more peaceful once I took a deep breath, and realized it was the first one I had taken all day.

I had spent the day rushing from one thing to another and dealing with the perceived dramas of the moment, and now I could relax. Throughout the mediation I felt a sense of deep calm come over me.

At one point Gabby told us to keep our eyes closed and take the hand of the person on either side of us while the meditation continued and we started to sing a Kundalini mantra.

As my hand searched for those belonging to the two strangers seated next to me in the dark, I again felt that fraud thought come up.

What am I doing here? I don’t go to this type of stuff. This is weird, I thought.

But as my hands grasped theirs, a new sensation took hold. All of a sudden I felt the power of the energy in the room, and the vibration in those two hands I held. It was like an electric current I had never known existed was coursing through me from head to toe.

Tears rolled down my face in the dark and I felt a deep release that I had been waiting for, maybe for my entire life. I finally felt like I was right where I was supposed to be.

As we opened our eyes Gabby quickly confessed to the group that she had been “dry heaving and ugly crying” on her meditation pillow that morning. Thinking who am I to teach? Who am I to show up in this way? Who am I to be great?

I was relieved to hear that this woman who had dedicated the past decade of her life to bring light to the places where it is dark, in herself and in others, still has self-doubt like the rest of us. She explained how she got herself through that feeling and back to a centered space, and the authenticity and vulnerability in her confession struck me deeply.

I felt enveloped by her message and something deep inside of me let go and released control.

As the two and a half hour lecture and Q&A continued on, woman after woman stood up, took the microphone and revealed a struggle, a fear, a limiting belief, or a story that had led them to be who they were in that moment.

There were tears for most as the words came out and Gabby held space for their emotion and honored their courage for speaking their fears. It seemed to make people feel better just to say them out loud.

Maybe it was simply that they were not alone in it anymore—to know they were seen, and heard.

The vulnerability I witnessed that night was courage in its purest form. At one point Gabby said, “I’m here to crack you open.” And she was right. 

One woman who described being on the roller coaster most of us know well—meaning you feel good, like you’ve got your shit together, finally, and then wham, something new takes you down. You slowly try to pull yourself up again and fall back down, again and again and again. Up down, up down, up down.

Gabby's response to her can be summed up by a message from A Course in Miracles that she called upon: “The presence of fear is a sure sign that you are relying on your own strength.”

In that instant, I immediately understood what she meant, and what that line meant to me. I had just never thought of it that way before.

As someone who had insisted for years that I could do it all on my own, that I didn’t need help—I got that, in a big way.

As I was walking home that night, thoughts whirling around in my mind like a tornado, I suddenly realized that yes, I do believe in miracles, really and truly.

On the corner of 51st Street and 8th Avenue it hit me. That day—exactly one year earlier—was the day I had been brought to my knees as my little corner of the world felt like it had been shattered.

The day I could no longer ignore the truth about my life, and how I was living it as the walls I’d built up—brick by brick and year-by-year— to keep me "safe" began to crumble around me. 

The realization that I was embarking on this new journey, that I know will help me heal, exactly one year later to the day after my search for something more was set in motion, is evidence enough to me that synchronicity is real and that I am right where I need to be.

So, there you have it. That was my experience then, and now, just over a year later I can say with with complete conviction that choosing to go through this training was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I went on to attend the level 2 training in February 2015, and had the pleasure of returning to the live level 1 event this past June, and I have watched the Spirit Junkie Masterclass Digital training from beginning to end (yes, you guessed it, more than once).

The energy, passion, and intense feeling of oneness and community that was present in that room live in New York City translates seamlessly into the digital course.

If your interest is piqued, I've included a few video snippets below from the digital course so you can see what it's all about. If you are considering signing up, first of all, let me say congratulations for embracing your curiosity and following your intuition to explore and know more!

And if you have any questions about any of this please feel free to email me at susie@susiedraper.com. You can also find out all the details about the digital course by clicking here!

When you're on a path of inner transformation you often hear the call to share the great messages you've learned. You're called to lead and serve others, inspire your friends and connect to a greater purpose. The call is loud, but the voice of doubt is often even louder.

People stop questioning you when YOU stop questioning yourself. When people ask me what they will gain from my Spirit Junkie Masterclass training my response is: CONFIDENCE. This training puts you into action so that you can rise up, show up and serve. This is your time.

p.s. I’m a proud affiliate of Gabrielle Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass Digital training. I love this course deeply and I believe it has the ability to transform every person's life it touches. As an affiliate, I may earn a referral fee if you take the course from my recommendation.

In my experience, being indecisive is not about putting off choosing because you just don’t feel like doing it.

It’s not about being lazy or unmotivated.

It’s not about being selfish or inconsiderate.

At the deepest level, I think it comes down to trust.

Trusting yourself, and trusting that even if that decision doesn't bring about the result or reaction you were hoping for, it's ok, and might just be because something better is on the horizon. 

To move things forward in life you have to make decisions, and determine what is most important to you.

You may have to take a risk and dip your toe into uncertainty when an outcome could go either way.  You may feel vulnerable and exposed when you put an idea out there that you think other people might think is stupid.

But the alternative—staying small and quiet and never making a decision about anything with conviction—does not keep you safe. All it will do is keep you stuck. 

Anxiety Is Just Excitement In Disguise

When I'm wrestling with the uncertainty surrounding a decision, I often think of something Gabby Bernstein said at one of her lectures, “Anxiety is just excitement in disguise.” I loved that because it made me think of the flip side of all the things I ruminate about when I feel paralyzed by fear and indecision.

What would happen if I changed the way I thought about the anxiety I associate with making decisions, moving things forward, trusting myself?

What if I could see that what I'm interpreting as anxiety might actually be a glimmer of excitement about the possibilities making the decision could lead to?

What if I could shift my perception from one of fear and worst-case scenarios to trusting that everything would unfold as it was meant to?

What if every seemingly bad decision or mistake was actually there to help teach me a valuable lesson?

What if?

If you’ve never considered this way of looking at it before you might think I’m glossing over something that I know runs deep for many of us, but this type of questioning has been incredibly helpful to me. 

Finding a way through indecisiveness in particular and fear in general is proving to be one of the most eye opening experiences of my life.

And while it does seem scary sometimes, if I really stop and think about what that feeling is deep down, it is excitement.

Not always knowing the answer or outcome is part of what makes life exciting, and interesting, and worth the risk.

So take a few minutes today and simply ask yourself, "What if?"

Public speaking has been one of my biggest fears for as long as I can remember. Just the thought of it has always made my mind go blank, heart race, and mouth run dry, so I've spent most of my life trying to avoid being in the spotlight.

If you've read any of my other blog posts you know that I have been on quite a journey over the past year, and in the one that started it all, 365 Days of Saying Yes, I wrote about how going through Gabby Bernstein's Spirit Junkie Masterclass training was one of the major things that has helped me to chart a new course for myself, and become more of myself.

What I didn't say in that post is that during the level 2 training in February 2015, I told Gabby I'd rather "jump out a window" than do any sort of public speaking. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is honestly how I felt. 

In the months since, I've started to peel back the layers and ask myself where this fear was coming from and it always ends up back at fear of judgment and rejection.

I've made major progress in releasing those fears, but they also became so ingrained in my psyche over a lifetime that releasing them is a daily practice, and they can pop up when I least expect them.

Sometimes, that fear voice will come in when I'm trying something new and say, "What if you mess up and forget what you want to say? What if people think your ideas are stupid? What if you make a joke and nobody laughs?"

So, one night when I was thinking about all of this, I chose to listen to the other voice, that loving voice of inner knowing and intuition.

Before I knew it, I was actually letting the deep full body feeling of that fear wash over me. I didn't try and numb it or push it away. I let myself surrender to it and really feel it. And then something I never expected happened.

My desire to chip away at that fear and move toward being free from it became more important to me than holding onto it and staying "safe." In a moment, something shifted and I decided to make an impromptu video to push myself WAY outside my comfort zone and face that fear head on.

I didn't stop to fix my hair, or put make-up on, or adjust the lighting. I just did it. And it was liberating.

I know many people wrestle with a fear of public speaking, so I wanted to share my unedited attempt at speaking off the cuff about just that in the video below.

It's far from perfect; I mixed up my words multiple times and my phone is turned the wrong way (not to mention it fell over at one point!), but embracing imperfection and actually rejoicing in it is all part of the process.

I mean, really, who wants to be perfect anyway? Falling down, messing up, learning, and growing is all part of what makes life fun and interesting and real, right? Thanks for watching!  

We all have the powerful ability in each moment to embrace another or push them away, to listen to our ego or to listen to the inner voice of love.

How we choose to perceive a situation or a person's behavior is totally up to us.

You might be thinking, "Sure, that sounds good and everything, but all the people I have to deal with on a daily basis are super annoying!"

That may be your experience, but it doesn't have to be.

Every relationship and interaction is there to teach us something. When you can look at your daily annoyances or frustrations with that in mind it's much easier to let things go and keep your cool.   

Take something common like going to the grocery store.

You can either dread it, bitch about how crowded the store is, meet anyone who crosses your path with a grimace, tap your foot and sigh loudly when the person in front of you is taking too long, look at the mother in aisle 3 with a screaming kid in her cart with contempt, snap at the cashier because they accidentally scanned something twice, and storm out of the store pissed.

OR, you can choose to see things differently.

You can walk into the store and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude at the plethora of fresh food that is so easily accessible to you. If it is crowded, you can take the chance to remember that we are all one, we are all in this together, and everyone is just trying their best to get what they need for themselves or their family and get out of there so they can get on with their day too.

You can use that slow moving customer as an opportunity to practice patience and grace.

You can give that mom with the screaming child a kind look that is not full of judgment and disdain, but instead lets her know without a word that you can’t even imagine how tough it must be on her to be in a crowded grocery store with a kid who is losing their shit. My guess is that no mom is super psyched when that happens.

And finally, when you get to the checkout counter you can remember that the person helping you has probably been on their feet for hours dealing with a cast of characters, the majority of whom have likely not been the most friendly people in the world, and is just doing their best to get you through the line quickly.

These are both the same experience—a trip to the grocery store, but the thing that changed between both scenarios was the way you chose to perceive the situation.

Everyone else’s behavior stayed the same, but you changed how you saw it and therefore your experience of that experience changed.

It really can be as easy as that.

We don’t need to change other people (and p.s., we can't!), we just need to look inward and change how we perceive their behavior, and often, our expectations too. And it's helpful to remember that another person's behavior might be triggering something in you that you've been avoiding taking a look at or don't want to face.

Their "annoying" behavior may just be crossing your path as a reminder and a lesson so you can experience what it's like to be on the receiving end of it.

Really examine what pisses you off the most in other people and you'll likely find it's something you actually don't like in yourself.

They're just reflecting it back to you so you can choose again, so you can choose a new perception, learn the lesson, and show up in the world as the person you know you really are inside. 

As Wayne Dyer said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Truer words have never been spoken.

And the tremendous thing is that we can all make that choice every moment of every day. 

This may seem too simple to be as impactful as it can be, but that is the beauty of it.

It's pretty much a given that there will be moments where you feel stressed out, overwhelmed, or frustrated. The thing is, it's completely up to you how you deal with those feelings and moments.

In a nutshell, you can snap and react or pause and respond. I am far from perfect in this area, believe me, it can be super easy (and tempting!) to get caught up in the drama of it all and feed the beast by throwing up your hands and believing that's just the way it is. But there is another way.

In every situation we have a choice: we can react instantly without taking a moment to pause and ponder or we can take a breath, think it through and respond calmly and thoughtfully.

When you feel stressed out and overwhelmed it can be tempting to go to a reactive defensive place, but there is a simple practice you can do in minutes to turn your entire day around.

You can hear about what I do in those moments in the video below, so check it out and let me know what you do when the stress cyclone starts spinning. 

SO, are you a reactor or a responder?

"Forgiving others is essential for spiritual growth. Your experience of someone who has hurt you, while painful, is now nothing more that a thought or feeling that you carry around. These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will disempower you if you continue to let these thoughts occupy space in your head. If you could release them, you would know more peace."  -Dr. Wayne Dyer

I never had the privilege of meeting Dr. Wayne Dyer in person, but his impact on my life was great nonetheless. It was through his teachings that I began to shift my perception about forgiveness, and take my willingness to want to forgive and transform it into something I could actually apply in my life.

While listening to one of Dr. Dyer’s lectures I heard him tell the story of how he forgave his father years after his death and it resonated with me deeply.

He said he was grateful for the father who essentially abandoned him because that led him to truly understand and grasp the importance of forgiveness, and led him to show others how to bring it into their lives too.

This struck me as an incredibly enlightened way to think about life and the challenges we all face from time to time.

If you're not familiar with Dr. Dyer's work and the great impact he had on millions of people throughout his lifetime, and will continue to have as his teachings live on for many years to come, I hope you'll check out a video, book, or blog post of his to experience a glimmer of the light he brought to all he touched.

If you're looking for somewhere to start I'd reccommend a simple, yet profound, blog post he wrote earlier this summer about forgiveness, How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps.

I think a lot of people get hung up on the concept of forgiveness because they can’t get past the idea of it being equivalent to saying the other person didn’t do anything wrong.

They can’t get past the need to be right.

I think about forgiveness, as not being so much about saying what they did is ok or not ok, but instead about releasing the knot of anger and resentment you’ve twisted yourself into because of it so you can be free.

And, usually, forgiving yourself for: a) the part you played in the situation, and b) for holding on to that story for however many, days, years, or decades it has been.

On another level it also seems like it has to do with changing your perception about the original occurrence—how you chose to interpret it, and how you want to choose to see it now.

It makes it much easier for me to forgive when I think about things that have happened in my life through this lens.

"Forgiveness guides us to cleanse ourselves of the old, junky fear and shines light on the darkness of our worries, doubts and suspicions. Rather than continuing to play the role of victim, we can forgive and be set free. With each choice to forgive, we shift our perception from fear to love." -Gabrielle Bernstein

Instead of staying stuck in the “I’m right, they were wrong” story, I’ve found that separating myself from the situation emotionally (you know, as much as you can when you’re IN IT) and going back over it in my mind as the observer is incredibly helpful.

Looking at the other person’s actions and my own. For example, if a person says something that hurts my feelings, I might lash out with a defensive or equally hurtful comment to throw it back in their court, and the volleying back and forth would commence.

I can tell you from experience, this is helpful to no one.

But I have discovered that I can turn that around by examining the factors that might have led to them saying those words in the first place.

By looking at where they come from, what they’ve experienced in their own life, the cultural influences they pay attention to, what they read, listen to, etc. it’s easier for me to have compassion and understand why they might see the world the way they see it.

And that doesn’t mean the way they see things is wrong necessarily, it’s just different from mine.

It’s also important for us to examine the part we played in the scenario.

We all play a part.

Not meaning that we need to blame ourselves, but instead, recognizing where we may have turned in the wrong direction and taking responsibility for that.

Thinking about it from that perspective helps me to remove the emotional equivalent of the bee’s stinger left in my arm after an unkind comment is made. And much like when you pull out a stinger, that spot may be sore and tender to the touch for a bit, but you’ve starting the healing process by removing the thing that would only intensify the pain if you left it in place.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” –Mark Twain

Gripping tightly to old stories we can’t seem to forgive only serves to drive those feelings deeper and deeper. Letting something fester and swirl around in your mind over and over again does not make it hurt any less.

Whatever the other person may have said or done is over and in the past.

Ruminating over how someone "did me wrong" doesn’t change what happened, so what really is the point? It’s kind of ridiculous if you think about it—how much time and energy we spend trying to prove we were right.

The thing is that it all comes down to wounds from the past we’re still holding on to, theirs and ours, so being aware of our unique triggers is key.

You could say something to me you think is no big deal and it might sting me, in part, because I am bringing every related experience I have ever had to the table and projecting it onto you in that moment. After all, most of the time it’s really not just what is said in that exact moment that we are responding to.

We can bring a whole lifetime of painful experiences to each conversation we have and each moment we live, unless we choose to release them and leave them where they belong, in the past.

Now I know this may seem like a contradictory thought because there are a lot of things we’ve learned in the past that are helpful for us to hold on to and bring along.

Things we’ve learned about others, and ourselves, about the world and the people who live in it. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring anything from the past into the present with you.

But I am saying that the more you focus on releasing past events that were born out of fear (yours OR someone else’s) and bring forward the things that have been created from love, the more joy and less fear you will bring into the present moment, and the easier it will be to forgive.

The past is what it was. The future will be what it will be. But the present is exactly what we choose for it to be.

Really think about how many tiny choices you make all day long that chart the course of your day, and by extension, your life. Every time you interact with another person you are making a choice.

You can hold on tightly to the things you say you can't forgive, or you can choose to let them go and be free. What choice are you going to make?

If your response is, “That sounds great, but how do I actually do that?” I give you some of Dr. Dyer’s often repeated words, “You’ll see it when you believe it.”

So, believe it’s possible.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in the goodness of others.

Believe in the power of compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness.

Believe in miracles.

“When the choice is to be right or be kind, always make the choice that brings peace."    

-Wayne Dyer

Over the past year, the intentional practice of kindness has been a part of the teachings in many of the books I've read and taken to heart, two of the main ones being; The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. 

So, sometimes I play a game with myself to see how kind I can be to everyone I meet in a day. And by kind I don't mean just to be nice or polite. I mean real, honest to goodness kindness.

These kind acts do not need to be huge sweeping gestures to have an impact however; it could be as simple as smiling at a stranger on the street who looks like they're having a tough day, or giving a colleague or friend a thoughtful compliment. Or looking in a person's eyes and saying a heartfelt "thank you," and meaning it.

The other part of this that I think is important is not to fake it.

You might be surprised just how many opportunities you come across in any given day when you consciously look for them. And the more you look, the more second nature it becomes.

By accessing that part of yourself that already craves connection and an exchange of love you will effortlessly bring it forth. 

So why should you try it?

It will make you feel good for one thing. Being bitchy, or snappy, or short with people—whether it's a friend, colleague, or stranger—does not make me feel better, and I’m guessing it doesn’t make you feel that great either.

When you’re unkind it's like you get a moment of perceived relief because you've discharged your anger, frustration, irritation, or whatever emotion you might be having, onto someone else so you don't have to feel it.

But, in reality, all you're doing is digging your own hole of discomfort deeper and now you have the added stress of feeling badly about how you acted.

When I snap at someone I instantly feel sick. And I admit that I do it more often than I would like...when I get stressed out, exhausted, too hungry, frustrated, overwhelmed—any number of things can bring on that momentary surge of unkindness.

And the more I've become aware of this, the stronger that sensation of feeling sick when I do it has gotten. That may seem counter intuitive, but it actually makes perfect sense. I feel sick when that happens because that is not the person I want to be.

And, really, it's not the person I am even when I’m acting that way.

It's not who any of us really are.

That rush of sadness and dislike for how I acted snaps me back into my right mind and lets me know that I've just done something that is not in alignment with how I want to treat other people, or how I want to be treated.

It's like a big flashing light saying "Choose again, choose again!" And when I catch myself and do a course correction by apologizing, taking a deep breath, forgiving myself, and setting the intention to lean more toward kindness next time I feel better.

Need some examples? Ok, here goes...

1. I walk into Starbucks the other morning and smile at the woman sitting in the corner with three kids who were screaming their heads off at 8:30 am.

I greet the barista behind the counter with a warm hello while making actual eye contact and asking how she is doing after she asks the same of me.

She rings me up and says I owe $3.11, so I pull out three dollar bills and start fishing around in my bottomless pit purse for change while a line forms behind me.

I look up and the woman behind me says, "Don't worry about it, I've got it."

"Are you sure?" I ask tentatively.

"Of course!" she replies.

I say thank you, pick up my coffee and walk out the door smiling. I then realize I can't remember the last time someone did that for me, and see how that small act of kindness just made my day. 

2. The next day I go to pick up a salad around the corner from my apartment.

As I'm walking into the restaurant I see a woman pushing an empty stroller and a man with a young child on his shoulders trying to maneuver it all to get out the exit door on the opposite side of the room.

I pop over to open the door and hold it for them as they make their way out.

They gush, "Oh my goodness thank you. There are kind people in New York!"

I smile and say, "It's no problem at all."

I walk up to the counter and give my name for the pick-up order. The woman at the counter smiles back at me and says it will be right out.

She goes to the back and returns seconds later with the bag and says, "There's a lot of love for you back there apparently!" She hands me the bag and they've written my name on it in bright red pen with a huge heart over the "I" in my name.

I give a big smile and say "Awww, thank you!" and head back out onto the city streets with a spring in my step.

I use these simple examples to illustrate just how easy it is to show kindness from moment to moment, even with complete strangers.

Do I think walking into a store and smiling at someone is going to change the world? Kind-of. Because the more people who do that, the more little sparks of light we can create in our communities and schools and offices, and by extension the world.

I mean, I've had so many experiences where another person's kind word or gesture has completely changed my mood and lifted me up in an instant.

As a result, I was kinder to everyone else I interacted with that day. And I bet they were too.

So, I invite you to pick a day and make kindness your primary goal. When you start looking for moments to bring it into your day, you'll realize how many chances we miss simply because we're not paying attention.

It's an interesting phenomenon to observe too because by being more kind, more kindness will naturally be shown toward you. To me, this is one of the purest and simplest forms of synchronicity.

It's almost like little winks from the universe that you are on the right path. Or that's how I choose to see it anyway.

And it's very different than thinking "Ok, I'm being super kind to all these people around me so I better get something in return." It's quite the opposite actually.

It's more like an invisible current that carries an exchange of love and positivity from person to person.

And this practice of kindness also needs to be extended to that one person you are with all day and all night, every minute of your life. Yup, you guessed it—yourself.

Make a point of listening to how you talk to yourself for one day and you'll no doubt hear some pretty mean and unkind words being spoken. I remember the first time I tried it and I was blown away by how judgmental and unforgiving of myself I was.

Berating myself silently (yet loudly!) for forgetting to email someone back or making a silly mistake.

So, I invite you to try being kind to yourself and the people you encounter in a typical day: the person you get your coffee or newspaper from in the morning, the doorman at your apartment building or office, the cashier at your local drugstore, grocery store, or dry cleaner, the receptionist at your doctor's office, your mom, your boss, your friends.

Just try it for one day and see how you feel.

Because every time you choose to make loving kindness your bottom line, starting line, and finish line you're making a choice about how you want to experience the present moment, and simultaneously reshaping your past, present and future.

The loving energy you bring forth has the potential to create a ripple effect in the lives of everyone who crosses your path, and it’s up to you whether you want those ripples to spread positivity and kindness or fan the flames of self-doubt, fear, and judgment.

Those ripples do not lap softly against the shore. They create dangerous crashing waves that pull people underwater in their current.

So ask yourself what kind of ripple effect you want to create before your feet even hit the floor each morning. 

You’re going to create one whether you want to or not just by being alive, so why not choose to make ripples that create the kind and happy world you want to live in?

Sometimes I think what we forget is that words have the power and meaning WE give to them; when we speak them aloud, and maybe even more importantly, when we repeat them in the inner dialogue we have with ourselves all day long, we are in a constant state of deciding, no, choosing, what we think they mean and how they make us feel.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and a few weekends ago I went to a retreat Gabby Bernstein led at Kripalu in Stockbridge, Massachusetts, which is such a special and beautiful place, but I found myself unsure how to respond to a very common question we all get asked countless times a day...

“How are you?” I hadn’t really thought about what a loaded question that is until then.

After all, I’ve been meditating, journaling, expressing myself, and working on integrating all the valuable lessons I have learned, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am better for it.

I have gradually opened up to actually feeling my feelings instead of numbing them out by watching reality TV or projecting them onto others by gossiping.

Now, I'm not saying those behaviors were necessarily destructive by themselves, but they were my attempt at trying to put a band-aid over the wounds and hurt I didn’t want to feel. And now that I’m really feeling my feelings as they come, sitting with them, and letting them pass through me, I feel better. I'm happier.

But, when someone asks me how I am I tend to say “OK,” or “Surviving,” or “I’m struggling a little bit.”

All true, but not actually exactly what I mean.

So, when a friend asked me how I was doing at Kripalu and I instinctively replied, “Ugggh I’m struggling.” I felt an immediate sense of guilt wash over me.

I wanted to be able to say, “I’m fantastic,” “I’m great,” “I’m doing the work, and it’s challenging at times, but also liberating.”

Because those things are also true.

I feel more like me than I have in years. I’ve been finding my way back to myself and it does feel fantastic, and challenging, and liberating, and sometimes, like a bit of a struggle.

So, I’m not saying my experience needs to change, but I do think my perception of my experience could use a shift. And as usually happens at any lecture of Gabby's I go to, exactly what I needed to hear was brought to the surface in her answer to another woman's question.

She addressed the idea of struggle and said, "We're always struggling, it's just how much do you believe in the struggle? How much faith do you have in the struggle? It's not that you won't struggle, it's just that you no longer believe in the struggle."

I’ve been turning that word—struggle—over and over in my mind since that weekend at Kripalu and what I’ve come up with is that I have certain preconceived notions about what "struggling" means, but it’s also totally up to me how I choose to perceive that experience, and that word, today.

The verb struggle is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as: To try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems.

But according to the Urban Dictionary, which probably says a lot about how people interpret its meaning in casual conversation, struggling is defined as: Extremely ugly, haggard, broke down, and tore up.

When I think about it in terms of what I’ve been experiencing, I can see how the negative filter commonly given to that word has been shaping my perception.

When in actuality, the struggle I’m having is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The struggle, is simply my daily moment-to-moment practice of moving closer to how I want to show up in the world, for myself, and others.

The struggle, is the act of embracing and loving what I have considered to be my "imperfections."

The struggle, is with those two P’s in a pod I know all too well: perfectionism and procrastination. But every time I witness that behavior and recognize that I want to move away from fear based thoughts to loving ones, I can choose again.

Every time I struggle with procrastination and perfectionism I can call on the knowing that those behaviors are actually gifts that are guiding me in the right direction. 

The fact that I’ve considered myself to be “struggling” with the P’s is actually an awesome sign of movement in the right direction.

This struggle is not bad; the struggle is good, maybe even great.

Struggling with procrastination and perfectionism means they are no longer a fit with how I want to live my life, or how I want to show up in the world. My logical mind has perceived my relationship to the P’s as a negative struggle.

But my loving, right mind can now see that the intensity I feel when those behaviors pop up is the overwhelming strength of my deep inner desire to bring light to the places where it has been dark.

To keep turning on the lights one by one, day by day, moment to moment.

To choose love, over fear.

So, if you ask me how I'm doing and "I'm struggling" happens to be my answer please feel free to congratulate me. 

"Don't let your want for perfection become procrastination" -Danielle LaPorte

Like peanut butter and jelly or paint and canvas, some things just go together. For me, perfectionism and procrastination have been like two P's in a pod; they've just always gone together. 

The two P’s and I have been well acquainted for quite some time.

They became coping mechanisms I used while trying to prove to the outside world that I was "good enough," and seemed like a way to avoid judgment and rejection which, it turns out, could not be farther from the truth.

Perfectionism comes into the equation as that voice that says I need to make sure what I say, do, and create is perfect so no one can judge me negatively for it.

When really, it is a fact of life that you can’t put yourself out there—whether it’s by raising your hand in a meeting, telling a friend how you really feel, or speaking on a stage—without pushing some people’s buttons.

And we all have different triggers that set us off in one direction or another; triggers that cause us to perceive certain words, or situations, in a way that actually has little to nothing to do with the other person; but the only person who has the ability to change our perception of that is, well, us.

For me, once that perfectionistic button gets pushed, procrastination is not far behind. And when you want so badly for everything to be perfect, it’s really hard to get things done.

I have friends who go into productivity overdrive when they get overwhelmed, and I often find myself wishing that was my default reaction as well, but it's not.

For me, it has resulted in a type of procrastination and an unquenchable need for perfection that can only be described as paralyzing. That may sound dramatic to people who have never had that feeling, but that has been my experience.

Or I guess, more accurately, how I’ve chosen to experience those situations. I've wanted to do everything perfectly, to create the most detailed and organized to-do lists, to research every angle of something before I moved forward so I could be sure my end product was “perfect.”

But the truth is, that way of thinking has helped me make lots of lists and perform countless Google searches, without actually helping me do what I was trying to accomplish in the first place, perfectly or not. 

"Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No—the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect." -Brené Brown

So, what do I mean when I say that procrastination and perfectionism have felt paralyzing to me at times?

I have sat at my computer for three hours staring at the screen trying to craft the perfect email to ensure the person receiving it would have nothing to judge me for more times than I can count.

I have written the same task over and over again on different lists in different pretty notebooks in different colors of pen, hoping and praying that this new way of organizing my thoughts might finally turn me into the productive dynamo I wished to be.  

But instead, I'd stare at the email, or the list, and the inner dialogue of my ego and its fear based thinking would kick in and say; “Don’t bother going after that thing, they’ll probably just say no anyway,” or “You need to make sure you position this request perfectly or its not even worth making it,” or “There is no way you can get all these things done, but everyone will judge you and think you suck if you have to ask for help, so let’s just forget it and not do any of it because it would be more painful to be vulnerable. If you ask for help people will think you’re weak and don’t have it all together,” my ego would say.

So, I'd sit, and stare.

At the screen, the page, the phone—I'd stare and feel that rush of not good enough-itis coursing through my veins.

My heart raced, I'd get flushed, tears would well up in my eyes.

I'd sit there thinking about everything I had to do; yet I'd do nothing, except freak out. And that cycle continued, until I remembered that the greatest tool I have to come back to center, to what’s real, is always with me—my breath. 

If I simply close my eyes, sit up straight, and breathe deeply in and out, my entire perception and emotional force field can shift in an instant. Getting quiet and reestablishing that connection to my breath and the truth behind all the thoughts swirling around in my head has become my antidote to the two P's.

Taking a deep breath and asking for my thoughts to be reinterpreted through the lens of love is the way through.

"Ego says, "Once everything falls into place, I'll feel peace." Spirit says, "Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place." –Marianne Williamson

What I’m realizing as I continue down this path is the point is not that I will never ever find myself procrastinating or feel the pull toward perfectionism, the lesson is to witness my behavior and know that I have a choice, I have the choice to choose again.

I have the choice to see the beauty in my perceived imperfections and embrace those aspects of myself with open arms.

To paraphrase something I heard Gabby say recently—every encounter is either an exchange of love or a call for love. When I think about the two P’s through that lens I feel grateful.

To me, that means that getting caught up in the story of perfecting and procrastinating is one of the ways my inner guide is helping me call out to myself for love and understanding. Those behaviors are the way I act out.

Underneath both of those things is the addiction to fear I lived with for so long that led me to find a false version of comfort in my discomfort. But I no longer feel comfortable there.

The light is my comfort zone now and the P’s are there for me to learn from.

They are there to remind me that I have a choice about how I experience my experiences. And I choose to be grateful for each moment I witness myself feeling the pull of the two P's because that awareness alone is the perfect reminder of my progress. 

On August 20, 2014 I made a seemingly small decision that changed my life in a major way.

I said, YES. 

Up until that day I'd always liked the sound of being "spiritual," but I have to admit that the word didn’t actually hold much of a deep personal meaning for me. That is, until I saw Gabrielle Bernstein speak live for the first time. 

I had discovered Gabby on YouTube at the beginning of the summer, and the way she broke down the spiritual principles she was teaching really resonated with me. I told my mom about her and started reading her book, Spirit Junkie.

And something started to shift.

I knew what she had to say had struck a chord with me, but something about her message also made me...nervous? 

Yes, nervous.

And excited, and intrigued, and uncertain.

Uncertain about what I'd find if I dug deeper into my psyche, and uncertain if I even wanted to know. But, when my mom emailed in August saying she'd noticed Gabby was going to be speaking about her meditation practice at the Rubin Museum in NYC, and asked if I wanted to go together, I said yes. 

At the close of the talk Gabby led the audience in a meditation and asked us to think about what our greatest fear was, and mine, to my surprise, was simply “being great.” I couldn’t explain why at the time, but that is what popped into my mind when she asked the question, which was followed very quickly by me thinking how messed up it was that I was fearful of that.

And that not only was I fearful of being great, I was basically afraid of even being “good enough.” Good enough for what I didn’t know, but I knew that a door had been opened and I had the choice to step through it or stay stuck. 

Prior to seeing her speak in person I'd watched a video of Gabby talking about a Spirit Junkie Masterclass training she was leading that September, and although I'd never been to anything like that in my life, I felt a strong knowing that I was supposed to go.

But I was also full of self-doubt.

So, I kept talking myself out of it; telling myself it was too expensive, too outside my comfort zone, too "spiritual" for someone like me.

But after meeting Gabby at her book signing, following the talk at The Rubin, I went home and signed up for the masterclass that night. I just knew I had to go. I knew I had to say yes. 

The next day, I started reading her book May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness, and it rocked my world.

Literally.

I showed up to the Spirit Junkie Masterclass three weeks later knowing no one and still having no idea what the hell I was doing there.

Two days later I felt like I'd experienced more emotional breakthroughs in one weekend than I had in 20 plus years of off and on again therapy.

I was in shock at how much I had been pushing down my feelings and how much I craved this new way of being. I felt raw and exposed and vulnerable, and I kind-of liked it.

Don’t get me wrong, it was uncomfortable and messy at first (and still is at times), but as I've gradually become more connected to what I feel I've also found ways to process the emotions I’d kept buried under a layer of “fine” for most of my adult life.

The next day, I signed up for the level 2 masterclass she was leading in February and almost backed out several times in the months leading up to it.

But again, I felt that nervous excitement I’d felt the first time.

Not the kind of stress inducing anxiety I was familiar with, but more of a butterflies in your stomach type of feeling.

So, I said yes and showed up.

I showed up, and those four days we spent in the mountains of Massachusetts talking, and learning, and crying, and laughing were some of the most transformational days of my life. 

My experience at Spirit Junkie Masterclass level 2 firmly planted the ideas I really liked the sound of deep in my heart and soul. Something had shifted in the way I saw myself, and the world around me, and I returned home viewing my life with new eyes. 

Then, about two weeks later, I felt as if my life pretty much started to fall apart.

Seriously.

But, it was also an almost trippy feeling of things falling into place, while they were seemingly "falling apart."

So, I started working with a life coach to guide me through the process and again felt an undeniable knowing that I was changing the course of my life by opening myself up to do that raw and real inner work.

The value and importance of having someone to hold the space for you to go deep and examine the parts of yourself you both love and loathe cannot be overstated. My life coach Gina Lorenzo is all that and a bag of chips.

Her lack of judgment and abundance of compassion have helped me navigate some choppy waters and I'm incredibly grateful for her guidance and the fact that she’s helped me remember how to listen to my own guidance too.

That is one of the things that is so incredible about this whole journey to me—by being willing to ask for help and seek guidance, I have been able to reconnect with the place inside myself that knows where to go, what to do, and what to say. 

And I feel peaceful knowing that even though there will be times when it feels like everything is falling apart, all I have to do is keep showing up and doing the work and the rest will follow.

All I have to do is keep saying yes.

And please.

And thank you.