1. You love them or at least like them a heck of a lot.

Casual sex has its pros and cons. One of its cons can be that deep-down you just don’t really like the person. Sex is waay better when you do, obviously. And there can be times when you feel that casual sex is a much better option than no sex at all. But there are other times when you’ll feel that actually it’s not. Listen to your body and mind during these times and respect where you’re at. No judgment here. But listening to your body is important. When you go against it is when you have problems.

2. They’re available.

By available, I mean they’re single or have time for you or make time for you, etc. If you’re having sex with someone who’s not available, you need to be bluntly honest with yourself. Are you able to handle the potential hurt in getting involved with someone who cannot fully be there for you? They could be in an ‘open’ thing and not be cheating. But are you completely happy being ‘second’? Are you fully aware of what that means? Is this a pattern of yours? Maybe you’re OK with that because your schedule is full up the wazoo right now. But if you were completely honest with yourself, is there something you’re avoiding by choosing someone who’s not fully available? What are you trying to avoid? That you deserve to be someone’s first priority? That you’re (not) ready to open up and embrace a new relationship? That you’re terrified?

3. You’re not each other’s fetishes.

Hopefully you can like each other for who each other is and not some representation of who you think they are in your mind. In other words, if you particularly like Asian women or particularly like men with green hair, is this just another one that matches your ‘type’? Or do you really like them as an individual? It can be both. But once again, full honesty with yourself will get you much farther than pretending.

4. You’re ready to have some kind of a relationship with them.

Are you sleeping with them just because you’re horny? Or because you’re ready to try to build something with them? I’m not saying you need to know exactly what you’re doing when you start a sexual relationship with someone. But what makes sex great versus just casual is when you know you want to build something with the person. You’re excited. You want to. You’re ready. And they are too.

5. You’re communicating with each other.

Whatever level you’re at—casual or serious or friends with benefits— the most important thing out of all of this is that you’re communicating. We humans are far from perfect. But this is one thing we do —or at least, can do— better than all others in the animal kingdom. We can communicate impeccably. Many times we don’t. But we can and it’s an amazing skill to have. Try speaking up when it’s hard. Try to figure out what it is you’re feeling. Be honest with yourself. And then try to communicate that as honestly and fully as you can with the other person. I say try because that’s all we can ask for. You will get better with practice.

The post Have Sex When Everything Else Makes Sense appeared first on Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler.

It’s great to be crushed out on someone or daydreaming about someone 24/7. But what if it’s someone you don’t want trapped in
 your head? Maybe it’s the wrong situation, wrong timing; maybe they’re 
just not right for you in crucial ways as much as you may wish they were.
 Whatever the reason sometimes you just want to pluck the person out of 
your brain. But how?

The Rebound
A common piece of advice seems to be to replace one with another. The 
rebound if you will. I’m not judging it’s bad, it’s just you need to assess per situation and make sure you’re not
 bringing on more problems than you’re solving.

Exercise
Exercise can be a great way to get your mind and body focused on
 something healthy, and on yourself. Try to find something you really
 enjoy doing— if a gym workout does not sound very attractive. Afterwards you will
 most likely feel less mopey, less down on yourself and have a much 
more positive perspective on things.

Friends
Spend time with friends.

 Laughter is key during these times. Find friends that will get you laughing.

Healthy Obsessions
Dive into another (healthy) obsession. What’s something you always 
wanted to try but never did? Knitting? Want to get back into
 painting? Actually finishing (reading or writing) that book?

 During this time it’s good and important to focus on you.

Find things 
that will nourish your soul and lift your spirits. Take time to do
 those things that relax you that you usually write off due to lack
 of time. Do not be mistaken. These are not useless hobbies. If they feed your soul
 they are important. Nothing is more important.

Don’t get me wrong— I think it very important to deal with our feelings
 directly as well, whether it be journaling, talking with friends about what’s on our minds, or
 talking with a professional. But outside of those specific times when
 you’re choosing to look at the situation straight on it helps to not
 let your mind wander there during other times. Or at least catch yourself whenever you 
notice it happening and stop it. Like changing the station on the
 radio. It will get easier with practice.

Question: What are your ways in getting someone out of your head?

The post Getting Someone Out of Your Head appeared first on Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler.

(For folks who are not in New York City, you can be in touch with me directly about one-on-one coaching.)

EMPOWERING WOMEN CIRCLES

Empowering Women’s Relationships and Sex Lives through Community

Date: Feb. 19, Tuesday

Time: 6:30-8:30pm

Location: 928 Broadway, Suite 1002, 10th floor (btw 21st and 22nd St)

Tickets: $25 (only 12 spots total), http://skl.sh/V6bTD6

Who: This workshop is for women looking for a community of women to provide emotional support while going through the ups and downs of their relationships and sex lives.

What: A safe, nonjudgmental space to share our struggles and frustrations about our relationships and/or sex lives amongst a group of female peers.

Why: Because we are reenergized when we get to share and connect with other women. Because we need something to offset the isolation and self-blame from society’s harsh and oppressive messages.

How: Through paired listening and structured group sharing we gain and give support, as well as receive suggestions. Where we originally had given up hope, we come back recharged and emerge hopeful with renewed perspective ready to jump back in.

FAQs:

Q: “What if I already have a group of girlfriends?”

A: Some of us have an awesome community already. Maybe some of you just moved here. It’s hard to keep girlfriends after college, or people go off and get married and have kids. Everyone’s busy. Or maybe you don’t feel comfortable sharing these things because you know each other so well. Sometimes it feels much easier to talk with strangers about private, intimate things. The structured paired listening time is also really helpful.

Q: “How will this actually help improve my relationship?”

A: Most of us are pretty isolated with issues around our relationships, nevermind sex lives. We need to talk with other women, and realize we’re not the only ones with these issues. Emotional support is crucial. We can learn from each other, get ideas and suggestions, vent. After releasing our frustrations, we can gain strength and confidence in ourselves through these brief but safe connections and go back to our relationships with renewed perspective, energy, and hope.

Q: “How will this help my sex life? I just want some sex tips!”

A: OK, let’s say you learn some amazing, awesome sex tips. However, when you go to try it out, you still can’t relax into it. You still need to cross your own emotional bridge and learn how to open up, be vulnerable, and really trust the other person. That’s an emotional journey. Improving our sex lives and orgasms is more than just some quick sex tips. It’s about trust, communication, feeling powerful and emboldened, being vulnerable and letting go. And that is a spiritual path. That has nothing to do with quick, “easy,” external fixes.

About Shiuan:

Shiuan has been a trained counselor in human behavior patterns and relationships for 15 years. She’s written about dating, relationships and sex for the last 10 years.She’s been married and divorced. She’s had periods of casual sex and tried online dating. She’s even explored her irrational fetishes. She has a lot to offer from lessons learned from her own personal experience as well as from 4200 hours of counseling. She looks forward to sharing her expertise through this facilitated support group session.

Buy tickets:

http://skl.sh/V6bTD6

$25 (only 12 spots total)

The post Empowering Women Circles appeared first on Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler.

That’s not the case for most of us anymore. Yes, we are somewhat tied down to a specific location (though that is also relative) depending on our financial circumstances and job situation. Or we might have a partner or kids. But in general, we get to choose now. What job path we want to pursue. What passions we want to pursue. And especially people and relationships.

The ones we don’t want to pursue are just as important as the ones we decide to pursue. But because of our childhood pasts, we may still not be quite used to choosing yet. “What? I have a choice? I get to pick instead of be picked?” (Remember how excruciating gym class was when you’re hoping to not be the last one picked?) Now we get to be proactive, not go belly-up, not go victim and actually think about what relationship would make sense for us, would make us happy. We’re actually taking responsibility for our decisions. You can’t blame someone else later for fucking up. I’m not saying you should blame yourself either, but there’s an accountability there for our actions that comes with the freedom of finally being able to decide which path our lives go. It’s an incredible freedom and also not one to take lightly.

Question: What are you avoiding choosing in your life right now?

The post You Finally Have a Say in Your Life appeared first on Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler.

calm before the storm

I decided for this month of February that I would abstain from alcohol or caffeine. Somehow imposing the (however brief) time limit on it really helped. It’s not endless. Thirty—or 28—days is a totally doable period of time to abstain from anything.

I had wanted to quit alcohol for a while. I don’t think it has any positive affect on me. Sometimes it gives me a buzz. Sometimes it leaves me tired. It always is not good for my liver.

Caffeine is a much more tempting drug of choice, however. It raises my heart rate almost immediately. (Or is that the sugar?) It’s awfully tempting to lean on during moments of exhaustion. It also sets up a terrible cycle of staying up late, or when I don’t get enough sleep, no fear—coffee is here! However, last time I noticed that my increased heart rate lasted much longer than usual, which may have been due to my lack of food.

Whenever we have addictions or things we rely on, whether it’s food or an unhealthy relationship, there is always something underneath that we are trying to avoid feeling. When I drink alcohol I can pretend I’m not embarrassed or shy anymore and start saying all sorts of things or forget things. When I drink coffee, I am hyper excited but can still be tired underneath at the same time. Ultimately I don’t think my body likes me putting it through such ups and downs. It’d be great if I could just feel however my body or mind feels at the time, and be OK with it.

The post Do You Depend on Alcohol or Caffeine? appeared first on Radical Ramblings by Shiuan Butler.