(actual time)

Dear Harry,

You still mesmerize me.

It’s been almost a year since we last saw each other, months since we last talked, and yet I still think of you. What have you done to me anyway? Why do you still have this effect on me even if we are now worlds apart?

I wish I could call you since after all, I have your number already. But then, what will I say? That, I miss you? I can just imagine how weird it would be for you. You might hang up on me right away.

Or maybe not. I don’t know but I can’t find an excuse right now to do that.

I remember when I had the excuse to call you. I tried saving you from being laid-off from the company. I even thought of trying to get the questions for the interview. Luckily, I didn’t. It might insult you. Still, I’m glad to have such an excuse to call you that time.

I also can’t forget the last days I spent in our office. Playing cards with you. How you were so comfortable with me that time. How I managed not to be awkward and how sad I really was that I’ll be separated from you. I cherished every second of being with you. And how I wished we could be together again.

The same wish I have right now…

I terribly miss you.

Love,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear Mr. 11:30,

This is my first letter to you here my friend. And honestly, I am not sure why I’m writing.

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Wondering what you’re doing. Thinking if I’ve ever crossed your mind. I don’t know why but somehow… I miss you.

I tried hard not to miss you. After everything you’ve said and done. But still, those little acts of kindness you did for me come back to my mind every time I’m feeling frustrated.

Maybe you got fed up on my rants.

Sorry.

You were my only hope that time.

I just needed someone to listen. But even listening became too much for you.

So, I drifted away even if it hurts.

I thought you will ask me to stay. But you didn’t.

I almost lost myself.

Anyway, I hope you’re alright. I wish you a blessed Christmas and a good year ahead.

Remembering,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear Harry,

I guess by the time you’ll find this, you’ll pause for a while and realize that the title of this post is somewhat familiar. You might think hard who is Harry but then you would smile and realize “hey, it’s me!”

This is the first time I’ll write for you in this blog and dear me, I’m already at a loss for words. There are so many things I wish to say but I don’t know how to place them all here. I guess I’m really like this when it’s about you. You have this certain effect on me making me seem like a complete idiot. When in fact, I’m such a good story-teller who could talk about anything.

Actually, the night we first really talked, I wasn’t attracted to you yet. I can hardly remember what we talked about then. But, then you had me curious and interested in you after that. I thought you were a nerd because of your glasses but I guess  I was stereo-typing too much. Because you are more than what I thought you were.

From my seat, I would glimpse at you and wonder what kind of person you are. One day when I wasn’t contented at just glimpsing at you, I stalked you online via Facebook and discovered that you have a passion for adventure and you appreciate the beauty of nature.

As days passed by, I tried hard to ignore my growing interest in you. But as I do that, I found out that I have also started reacting weird at you. Whenever you’re near, my pulse races and my blood flow seem to immediately run straight to my face. I felt so awkward about it and even scolded myself for acting like a high school teenager. But it’s always the same everyday.

And then, you hinted about my feelings for you. Yes, I got a crush on you but not anymore now. It has gotten worse. I’m in love with you and I can no longer deny this. I can no longer fool myself.

You make me feel special everytime we get a chance to be together. The sound of my name in your lips makes my heart skip a beat. Your nearness paints a color on my cheeks. Your presence brings a smile on my face. And a day without you is just so incomplete.

I would be a hypocrite if I say that I’m not expecting you to share the same feelings as mine. So, I won’t say anything about it. Forgive me, but I find no reasons not to fall for you. So, I just pray that you’ll see me in a different light. That maybe you could get to know me more and that I could do the same. That we could find some time to be together again.

I always enjoy your company. And still, you remain my everyday mystery…

Love,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear Self,

Let’s stop this internal war already. Stop the arguments. I’m tired and besides it seems useless already. Let’s just enjoy everything and allow this heart to love again.

Stop thinking about what others would say. The hell if they think you’re assuming. What matters now is you’re happy. What matters is the present so don’t worry about the future yet.

Stop thinking you are not worthy. No one is perfect. And don’t judge ‘him’ yet. Who knows how he sees you? Only him. He is the only one who could decide who he will like.

So stop complicating things. Stop thinking negative. Have faith in yourself. Love yourself for you are worthy to be loved.

Yours,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear Son,

I don’t know what has gotten into my mind a while ago but I stalked your Dad online (after almost a year). Maybe I just got curious what’s keeping him so busy that he doesn’t even keep tabs on you. And so I did found out…

He’s still together with his girlfriend/live-in partner. Yes, the same woman he’s with when he’s not around while I was giving birth to you. They look happy together but I don’t feel angry at him now. Instead, I feel so sorry for him, my Dearest. Sorry because I bet he’ll be regretting a lot in the future.

So, I didn’t bother to know more about your Dad anymore. We both can survive without him, after all. Besides he doesn’t care about us anyway so its just fair to feel the same, right? But, I’m not telling you right now to hate him. He is still your father and that won’t change.

As I watch you now sleeping, I can’t help but think how time flies so swiftly. In a month, you’ll be four already. Soon, you’ll be going to school. And I’m so glad that I got a good job now. It’s a blessing to us.

Son, I’m wondering how you’ll think and feel when you see me with someone new. I hope you’ll understand me… I tried hard to give you a complete family. For you not to experience what I’ve been through but it’s inevitable. Your Dad doesn’t love me, I’m not even sure if he ever did.

But my Dearest, if time comes that I find love again, don’t worry. Mommy won’t seize it right away. You’ll always be in my mind and heart. I won’t accept anyone who can’t accept you too. For you are the reason of my existence now. You are what keeps me going… And so no one can be more important than you.

So my Dearest, always smile. Don’t be mad when Mommy comes home so late. Everything I do is for you now. Also, I want to help your Lola, to lessen her burdens. She’s getting old already, it’s about time for me to be the head of the family. Support me with your smiles, hugs and kisses and I’ll always be strong for us.

I love you so much… Always be a good boy.

Love lots,

Mommy(shiveringbluestar)