Becoming Shmulik M.

Goodbye Shmulik M.

2006-10-03T00:48:00.000-04:00

This will be my last post on this blog.

As my handful of regular readers know, I haven't posted for several months. These have been bad months. Black months. But, as usually happens, I am coming out of the dark time and getting a little happy for a while and when I think of doing that, I think of blogging, and so I am. I realize, though, that blogging in fits and starts is no real way to blog and that it doesn't make for interesting reading. So, I've decided to call it quits - on this blog, at least. I may start another one.

About a year ago (just before the high holidays last year) my wife told me she had enough and asked me to leave. So, I did. But I haven't been ok since. I've put on a lot of weight, I've been depressed, and lonely. It has been a very hard year. The high holidays bring out my reflective side and I've been trying to figure out where I want to go and what I want my life to become.

I have not reached any firm conclusions, but I think it is fair to say that a life of sleeping pills, fast food, and religious guilt is only going to lead me down a dark path to an early end. And, while there are benefits to such an end, I'm not ready for that yet. I want to get better. I want to have a future in which I am somewhat fulfilled. Right now, however, I am sad, and lonely, and I don't know how to get to where I want to go.

For what it's worth, this blog has been helpful to me during some of the darker times of the past year. And, though I'm fairly certain that I don't want to be the Shmulik M. I thought I wanted to become, I am not sure of the Shmulik I want to be. I may never know.

Good luck to all of you. Shana tova u'metukah. G'mar chatimah tova. Solidarity forever. L'hitraot.

Shmulik M.

pit (the new me)

2006-07-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

there are times when i crash into a pit of loneliness so low and deep that nothing can lift me out. no pills or trips or diversions or burritos can take the place of what i lack. i feel a void that is always present, that can't be filled, that has a specific shape and a name of its own.

i can't write worth shit. but, if i could feel again the way i felt when i thought my wife loved me, i'd write words of gold.

i miss my wife. the skinny bitch she turned into can kiss my ass. selfish, fucked-up whore.

i used to have strong forearms. i had interesting ideas and funny stories. i could drink, and smoke, and hang out with friends and live the way a guy wants to live. i used to be like the people i see on connecticut ave in the bars having conversations that make me smile. people wanted to know me. i wanted to know me. but we never really met.

i sleep now to avoid life. i eat to be happy. i smoke to die. remembering is a curse, talking is a bore. i have only one friend in this city and i hate him more than i hate myself.

i'm so hungry. i wish i was tired. at least joseph had his dreams. my pit has only bugs. but it's just as deep as his.

My Blogdom for an Israeli Keyboard

2006-07-25T14:04:00.000-04:00

Alas, based what I've learned from the few people who have emailed me about my Israeli keyboard quest and the little bit of research I've done on the subject, it would appear that I'm up shit creek.

Apparently there's lots of different kinds of Hebrew keyboards which can be gotten from several different sources. However, one person sent me the link to Yeda, which is the official source for Apple stuff in Israel. They actually have a real Israeli Apple keyboard with Hebrew letters and everything! and it's not too pricey, NIS 302 - which is slightly less than $70.

Nu, what's the problem, you might ask? They won't ship stateside - only to Israel. I'm still trying to contact somebody at Yeda who will send me one, but I think it's a lost cause. *sigh*

I guess I'll have to wait until I'm in Israel to pick one up...

Israeli Keyboard / Computing Question

2006-07-24T14:03:00.000-04:00

Yay!

I'm getting a new computer!

So, I have a question for all my millions of Israeli readers out there...don't all respond at once or you'll crash the blogger web server. Haha. Ok, not so funny, but anyway...

The computer I am getting is a Mac Mini. It doesn't come with a keyboard. So, I was thinking that since I'm working so hard on learning Hebrew, eventually I will want to "do" Hebrew on my new computer. Hence, I'll need a Hebrew keyboard and word processor.

Hence, my questions:

Hey there Israelis:

1. Do you know an online source where I could purchase a standard Israeli keyboard?

2. What word processor is used by most Israeli Mac owners?

Thanks!!!!

(BTW this isn't the big announcement I was talking about in my last post - I'll get to that next time, hopefully...)

'Tis Late Dear Readers, 'tis late

2006-07-24T02:01:00.000-04:00

It's late in the night, or early in the morning depending upon whether you're one of those glass full kinda people or not. I have to get up at 7:00 a.m, so my glass is most assuredly empty.

Anyhow, can't sleep. What's new right? Took the Ambien. What's new right? Not quite as wacked out as I usually am on the stuff. I guess what this means is that I'll remember having typed this blog entry when the morning comes, but I won't remember what I typed. I'll have to read it to "refresh my recollection" as they tend to say in my line of work.

I decided to bang this out in my semi-innebrieated state because I want to make an announcement to the 1/2 dozen really super wonderful readers I have managed to acquire (love and kisses and all that) that there will be a big announcement on Shmulik's Blog in the very near future. STAY TUNED. Good things are happening - to me. No shit. Really, to me. But, I haven't the time to blog about it now. So, stay with me.

Apart from that, all is fairly well. I spend a considerable amount of time shvitzing this evening, not in any fun kind of way - rather, I was cleaning the house, specifically the bathroom, which was in dire need of a cleaning. It is clean. Now I can go to work tomorrow and call the exterminator.

I live in a basement. I have bugs. Not as many as I had when I moved in, but they're coming back. I have the nicest landlady in the world and she lets me get the exterminators over here for free whenever I need them. Bless her soul.

Have you ever smoked so many cigarettes in a short period of time that you end up sitting on your La-Z-boy sweating profusely through your clothes, and through the aforementioned chair, whilst simultaneously feeling as if you are going to vomit?

Me either. Until tonight. I don't actually smoke. However, one night when I got loaded up on the Ambien I decided to take a walk to the local 7-11 (don't remember it - at all) When I woke up I had a headache, some soda pop and cookies and a pack of smokes which had been opened. Interesting.

So, I smoked some today. Stupid thing to do, I realize. But, hey, I'm all alone, bored, down on myself, and I don't give a shit at the moment. At least I didn't give a shit until the death spiral overcame me in my La-Z-Boy a few hours ago. Sheesh. Won't be doin' that again anytime soon.

Here endeth the randomness. I feel very happy and content at this exact moment. Better not think too much on it or it'll ruin the moment. L'Hitraot coolam.

Much Randomness of a Shmoo Kind

2006-07-23T02:11:00.000-04:00

Spent a lazy day at home today - not out of choice, but out of lethargy. I'm in what some people might call a rut, and what others might call a slump. Don't mean to sound melodramatic about it, but I feel like I'm slowly spinning out of control towards a deep place filled with misery and loneliness.

It has been more than 7 months since the Ex threw me out and my psychological well beeing has gone up and down like a roller-coaster ever since. We spoke on the phone the other day, she was kind enough, but she made it clear that she doesn't want me to call her, at least she doesn't want me to call her regularly. I think she is variously tired of me, sick of me, embarassed by me, worried about me, and confused by me.

Got a call from my brother earlier today. He's royally pissed at me for something, too. He lives off money my parents gave him out in the wild west - has a girlfriend, sort of. Mostly he's confused about what he wants to do with his life and he was taking it out on me today. Little brother's got bigger problems than I do. My family is a fucking train wreck (which-though not a formal psychoanalytic diagnosis, certainly would be if Freud had ever met me and my kin). Brother and I won't be talking for a while.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and how I'd like to use it to help me get back on my feet again. I guess I don't know how to do that. I am going to try to be more expositive in my writing, when I have the time. It's hard for me to share feelings in any medium; perhaps this one will allow me to be more forthcoming.

Right now I should probably try to go to sleep. I've taken a boatload of sleeping medication and none of it seems to be working. I don't want to overdose on the stuff - that landed me in the emergency room once. The problem is that I use it to fall asleep, not because I'm not getting the requisite amount of sleep every night, but because I am not as unconscious as I want to be. The more I sleep, the less I have to deal with the world. Unfortunately, that's not how the meds work and I'm asking the impossible of them.

Hopefully, I'll reach a point where I get actual enjoyment out of the free time that I spend awake. Right now, I'd rather be awake and working and be off-work and sleeping.

I've gotten so much advice from so many people about how to pull myself up out of my abyss. If only it was as easy as it sounds.

I guess that if I have any strategy at all, it is to keep up with my work, maintain the few human connections that I have left, and slowly take small steps to improve my life.

Hebrew class is one of those small steps. It could be going better - or worse, and it deserves a post all its own. I'll get there.

Stephen Colbert Satirizes Anti-Union Assault

2006-07-20T11:54:00.000-04:00

American Rights at Work has a link to the YouTube clip of the hilarious segment Stephen Colbert did the other day on the pending National Labor Relations Board assault on nurses.

This is the first time I've ever watched Colbert - I'm going to become a big fan now! Even if you are not that into unions, this clip is worth watching. It's just too funny!

Click HERE to watch.

Recap of Washington, DC Rally for Israel - With Pictures!

2006-07-20T11:48:00.000-04:00

Lena, who writes the excellent and insightful Esajudita blog, has written an excellent recap of the Israel solidarity rally held yesterday on Freedom Plaza in Washington.

Click HERE to see Lena's post.

So Lonely

2006-07-17T16:20:00.000-04:00

So lonely. I feel so lonely.

The organization I work for is having its biannual convention this week and I was not invited to go because of budget concerns.

I think The Ex is sleeping over at her boyfriend's house now.

A friend from school who I was looking forward to reconnecting to after we ran into each other at a restaurant a few weeks ago, put off hanging out with me for another week.

I have nobody to talk to about the situation in Israel - at least nobody who cares or who is as interested to talk about it as I am.

My best/only friend from work is boring me lately. He's a know-it-all. I will get over it because I really like him and like hanging out with him, but right now he's just not someone I want to hang out with.

I miss having a woman in my life.

My brother is more fucked up than usual. He and his girlfriend are nearly splitsville and the both of them are acting crazy. I'm very sympathetic to his situation (obviously) but it's still getting a little hard to take.

I need to grab hold of my life and stop feeling sorry for myself.

First intelligent thing the jerk has said in 5+ years

2006-07-17T11:22:00.000-04:00

I hate George Bush. Fascist anti-union motherfucker.

Nonetheless, he has a point:

During the G8 summit a remark that apparently was meant to remain between him and Tony Blair was picked up by a microphone: "See, the irony is, what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this shit - and it's over."

(Thanks to Dutchblog Israel)

JOIN US AS WE SHOW SOLIDARITY WITH ISRAEL

2006-07-17T10:57:00.000-04:00

Click HERE for more info.

The Left Should Support Israel

2006-07-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

Eric Lee has a brilliant post about why the Left should be supporting Israel in the current war.

He writes:

The real question for socialists when a war like this breaks out is to look at what will happen if either side wins. Let us imagine that Israel wins -- meaning that the captured soldiers are returned and the rocket attacks from Gaza and Lebanon end. The result will not only be good for Israel, but good for the Palestinians and Lebanese as well. The Islamo-fascists will be weakened. Democratic and secular forces will be strengthened. Socialists should cheer this on.

Now image what happens if Hamas and Hizbollah win. They over-run the Jewish state, slaughtering and expelling its several million Jewish inhabitants. They create a reactionary theocratic dictatorship along the lines of their benefactor, Iran. No one benefits -- not the Jews, not the Arabs. This a result that only fascists could applaud.

Some socialists are pacifists and oppose all wars. But most of us understand that sometimes a country has to fight. And sometimes two peoples go to war against each other, and we have to take sides. We look at the reasons behind the fighting and more important -- we look at the consequences of victory for one side or the other.

So true. Click here for the full article.

G-d Help Us, Please

2006-07-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

This image comes from Cosmic X, a blog that I came accross on JRants tonight. It is a scan of a poster I saw in a Judaica store when I was a kid and that I have never forgotten. It seems like an appropriate image to display tonight.

The post included the following prayer, as well:

He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, may He bless the soldiers of Israel who stand guard on our country and the cities of our G-d. From Lebanon until the deserts of Egypt, from the Mediterranean Sea until the Plains of Jordan - on dry land, in the air and sea. May G-d afflict the enemies that rise against them before them. The Holy One, Blessed is He, should protect and save our soldiers from any misfortune or calamity, and from any sickness or disease. May He send blessing and success in all their handiwork, destroy their enemies below them, and crown them with the crown of redemption and the crown of victory. And the verse "For G-d walks among you, to wage war for you with your enemies, to save you" should be fulfilled, and let us say, Amen.

Amen.

Raise Some HELL, Baby!

2006-07-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

The Blog Before the Storm

2006-07-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

Today's an odd one. I don't really have all that much work, but I'm procrastinating, nonetheless. I guess it's just my way.

Tomorrow I go to court with The Ex to file for divorce. It's entirely uncontested and mostly amicable, but it is weird that the day is finally here.

We haven't seen each other in five months, though we've spoken on the phone many times. It has been rocky - and I'm worried about how I will feel tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm really looking forward to seeing her. On the other, I'm afraid that I'll be sad and that after seeing her I'll start missing her all over again.

On a better note, tomorrow the new quarter begins for my Hebrew class. It's Intro II, the same class I dropped out of last quarter when I got way too busy to handle things. I'm looking forward to class a lot - and I hope I can actually manage to put the work in and keep up this time.

I'm also going out to dinner with some friends tomorrow, which should be nice.

Tomorrow will be such a full day. I almost have butterflies in my stomach. I hope that the filing goes well and that seeing The Ex isn't traumatic. I guess only time will tell. Tomorrow won't be over soon enough.

Free Gilad Protest in Washington, DC

2006-07-09T20:38:00.000-04:00

Dangerously Geeky

2006-07-07T11:24:00.000-04:00

Today is a happy day. Last night I finished a draft of a brief I've been working on (sort of) for weeks. I was at work until ten o'clock the last two nights in a row.

Having lunch with my friend Tim today and, as usual, we'll talk about lots of fun union related stuff.

There's nothing quite like the feeling of being done with a long project. Of course, I'm not even close to being actually done with it - I just finished a draft. But, it feels like most of the heavy lifting is done. Sometimes I think I procrastinate just to enhance the exhilarating feeling of being done with a project that I almost didn't finish in time. I guess it's my way of living on the edge. A little dangerous, but in a geeky way.

That's me - Dangerously Geeky

Ambien

2006-07-07T01:42:00.000-04:00

You know, the thing about this Ambien thing (he says at 1:39 AM) is that it's kinda fun...at times. Makes a guy feel kinda woowoo.

Yeah, sure, yer sposed to goto sleep right after you take it.

Oh, and if you're a Kennedy, particularly one from the great state of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations and you happen to like driving around the District at night and getting pulled over by the fuzz - yeah YOU should probably stay away from the stuff.

Oh, and don't drinkeepoo on the ambies. That's some real trouble.

But, if you happen to be a person who takes the stuff as perscribed, but then gets bored when it stops working and so you go looking around your basement, I mean lush, posh hi-ceilinged apartment, and you feel a little ambidextrous heeheehee - what could be so fucking wrong with that.

Though, I swear, I think I could put my finger straight through the computer monitor right now. But, I wouldn't want to get all that plasma gooey stuff on me that's swimmin' around in there. Oooh. Major cooties.

Here's a picture of the stuff (well - what it looked like before I took it, prob looks a bit more icko now, huh?)

DUDE FUCK BIG PHARMA
Shmoo Out.

Wonderful Post from Israel

2006-07-06T09:52:00.000-04:00

There is an excellent post today on an Israeli blog I recently started reading, Gila's Big Adventure. Its about the daily commute of an olah from Australia, how it differs from the commute her friends had in Sydney, and her feelings about the situation.

It is definitely worth reading to see a slice of the daily life of a smart, young Israeli. It has lots of pictures too.

There are actually two posts:

The Path of Most Resistance

The Path of Most Resistance: More Photos

Of course, I guess I also like the post because I agree with her perspective on the situation...

That little green box

2006-07-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

...in the corner of my blog template. How, oh how, I hated that "About Me" box.

"Put a little picture in me" it said, alluringly.
"Think of something snarky to say" it demanded...demandingly.

Fuck you little fucking green box.

DIE DIE DIE.

I think the site looks much cleaner without it. And I'm happy.

NURSES ROCK!!!!! (but don't rule...)

2006-07-05T10:04:00.000-04:00

From the AFL-CIO:

Have you ever shown a co-worker how to perform a task, or been asked to look over someone else's work? If so, your freedom to form a union and bargain collectively is in danger. The Bush-packed National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) is considering three cases that could alter the definition of supervisor—and that could mean hundreds of thousands of nurses, building trades workers, newspaper and television employees and others could be prohibited from forming unions.

A decision in favor of employers in these three cases, known collectively as Kentucky River, could further erode workers' freedom to form unions by expanding the definition of supervisors. Under federal labor law, supervisors are barred from forming unions.

During the week of July 10, hundreds of thousands of union members will take to the streets in a week of action to fight for their right to union membership. Already, some 7,000 nurses and other health care workers at eight New Jersey hospitals threatened to strike to protect nurses' right to speak out for their patients through their union.

Thousands more union members have asked their members of Congress to appeal to the Labor Board for an opportunity to provide oral arguments. The NLRB, which has not heard oral arguments since the Bush administration took office, denied these requests.

TAKE ACTION!
Read This post on the afl-cio now blog for more info about how you can protect nurses and their right to join labor unions.

A Big Buncha Rambling BS

2006-07-03T11:22:00.000-04:00

What a cliche. I am sitting here at work on a Monday morning typing this blog post in a final, desperate effort not to do the work that is sitting in front of me. My procrastination has become a debilitating, agonizing, and humiliating fact of my work life.

Over the weekend I watched a couple of races and part of a ballgame. I also went grocery shopping and I went to Target.

I've begun my regimen of healthy eating again. I feel so much better when I bring my meals to work and don't eat out. It would be wonderful to claim that there was some spiritual significance to this (my kitchen at home is kosher - and, thus, so is the food I bring to work) but there isn't. I simply make terrible food choices when I eat out. I love carbs and starches of all kinds. By the end of a week of eating out I am way poor and I am lethargic as a sloth. So, I'm starting to feel better now - more energy. By the end of the week I should feel like a million bucks, provided I can get my work done, which I can't, argh.

Been following the situation in Israel with much interest. I think Defense Minister Peretz has been handling it well and the recent criticism of him is unfounded. The only thing keeping the poor soldier alive is that the terrorists lose their bargaining position if they kill him. I feel just terrible for his family.

In recent "life news" my job was made permanent - so I am fully employed. I'm still on an eighteen month probation period, but I expect to make it through that if I can ever manage to start writing again.

Was recently in Portland, Oregon for work. I had an awesome time. If I could actually choose to live in an American city based upon the location and not the jobs available, I'd move to portland in a second. It is beautiful, has that "northwest" feel to it, the people are friendly, and they love their city. It also has tax free shopping, if you are into that sort of thing.

Still not dating - still pretty happy about it, though I get lonely every once in a while. I'm still way to fucked up to be in any kind of a relationship. Things are improving, slowly.

Back to work. Hah! - not like I even started. Who knows, maybe I'll blog again today if I can't actually get into the work some more...

Don't do today, what can so easily be put off 'til tomorrow

2006-06-30T16:29:00.000-04:00

I have a major procrastination problem. One might say that procrastination is the defining theme of my life. It influences and pervades everything that I do. For example, it is a large part of why I started this blog - and why I never update it, and why I am actually updating it right now.

All sorts of really smart people have given me advice about "my problem." My current specialist tells me I ought to break down projects into small pieces and reward myself for accomplishing small tasks.

Doesn't work.

I avoid most work, but not all work. Most of my procrastinating revolves around long projects that involve writing. Doc says that I might have a fear of failure or a need to "defeat" somebody. It all seems like a bunch of bs. Mostly, it just feels like I'm lazy. But, say the doctors, there really is no such thing as lazy. There must be something behind my lack of motivation.

We are searching for what that something is.

Well, the doc is searching. I think I'll start looking tomorrow.

The Forward Exposes Working Conditions at Iowa Kosher Slaughterhouse

2006-05-25T14:13:00.000-04:00

Click on the link below to read a very disturbing article about working conditions at a kosher slaughterhouse in Iowa.

[update] LINK HERE

So, I'm sick of the old template

2006-05-14T02:21:00.000-04:00

...and I decided to try a new one. I thought it might motivate me to post more. The thing is, this template is full of errors and it's been a genuine pain in the tuchus to get it up and running. We'll see how long this lasts...and if it motivates me to actually post...