I think Keith Richards has an inside scoop on the secret to longevity.  As did George Burns, God rest his soul.  The answer to it all?  Smoking and Booze.  That, my friends, is the key to living long and large.  At least that is my theory.

Because over the last year or so I have lost 35 pounds.  I have taken red meat out of my diet and I stick to healthy, wholesome meals.  I exercise regularly and attempt to sell tickets to my gun show around the house.  No takers yet.

On the weekends I allow for treats, but on the whole I am getting healthier as each day passes.  I am fighting my gastroparesis monster every day.  The monster that turns vegetables in to pain.  The monster that brings about extreme nausea after eating foods that were once thought safe.  The monster that just may be doing me in.

Monday was my annual physical.  I was excited to see where I was at.  You lose weight, you exercise, you get a good report card, yes?

No.

Upon leaving the doctor’s office looking like a deer in the headlights, I now have a bulleted list of things that are NOT GOOD.

• I am anemic.
• My thyroid stimulating hormone is high.
• My glucose is high.
• I need to get an ultrasound on my heart, to “check out the whooshing sound” that used to be a common, non-threatening heart murmur.

Really?  REALLY?!!

Lately everything has been a chore.  Getting through the day is difficult, to say the least.  And now I know why.  If you are anemic, you will feel bad.  If you have a bad thyroid level, you will feel bad.  If you have over the top blood sugar, you will feel bad.  I have all three.  And don’t forget that whooshing sound!

So this weekend, look out.  I plan to party Keith Richards style.  I’m gonna get some Jack and a box of stogies.  Then I’ll throw on some spandex, stand on the couch and do the Keith Richards Monkey Dance to Jumpin’ Jack Flash.  Because right now, time is not on my side.

A day in the life of Emma.

Never underestimate the power of shoes!

In the Burger King drive-through:

Me:  What is that down there?

My Son:  I can’t tell.

Me:  (Rolling down the window.)  Hmmmm…

My Son:  It’s an antler!  Hold on!

(Son gets out of the car and grabs the single worn antler from the drive-through lane.)

Me:  You are NOT putting that antler on my car.

My Son:  Yes I am!

During the next five minutes we discuss how not to put an antler in a window, my son almost gets his hand caught in the window, I beg him to take the antler off the window and then we drive away with a single antler pointing happily towards the sky.  Connected to my window.

<sigh>

After that it became a competition.  The antler is taken off.  The antler is snuck back on.  A few weeks after Christmas I managed to hide it and forgot all about it.  Until last week, when it was discovered and placed back on the car.  In January.

But sometimes life throws attachment in your face when you least expect it.

This morning my son opened the window while we were driving.  And then I heard him scream.

“Nooooooo!  The ANTLERRRRRRRRRRR!”

I looked in my rear view mirror and sure enough, there was a single, lonely antler in the road.  And it was becoming smaller and smaller as I watched.

Sheer panic.  “Mom.  You have to go back.  YOU HAVE TO GO BACK!”

My mind spun a million different ways within a second.  And then I made a u-turn.  My son bolted out of the car.  Says I?  “Wait!  Here is my camera… TAKE A PICTURE!”

Seeing him race to the car with an antler in his hand and grin on his face made me think.  Not all parents would have turned around to get that old worn antler.  But I did.  Had I become attached to that stupid thing?

No.  My attachment to my son made me turn around.  Sometimes it is the little things that make life good.  No, that make life great.  Today I made my son smile.  And it felt good.

The next time you see something in the middle of the road, stop.  Because you never know what might bring you the next moment of joy.

Now where can I hide that antler?

My boys began with Pokemon, so many years ago.  I was sad when they graduated to Yu-Gi-Oh.  Much more complicated and a lot less fluffy.

And then, quite unexpectedly he came back.  Pikachu, that is – through the hands of my daughter.

Pokemon is still out there and is as popular as ever.  At least it is in the third grade circle.  But today’s Pokemon go beyond my little friends Charmander, Butterfree and Jigglypuff.  It was this weekend that I found out just how far they’ve gone.

It started with words between my daughter and son.  The laughing “Oh YEA?!” type of conversation.

Pokemon is better!

Nuh, Uhhhh!

Uh Huhhhh!

Well then, are there Grass Types of Yu-Gi-Oh cards?!

Yes, pretty much.

Well I bet there aren’t Rock Yu-Gi-Oh like on Pokemon!

As a matter of fact, there are.

I bet there aren’t any Piss Stick Yu-Gi-Oh’s!

What?

Piss Stick!  Like Piss Stick Pokemon!

What do you mean Piss Stick Pokemon?

Here!  It’s in my book!  LOOK!

P-S-Y-C-H-I-C

See?!  Piss Stick!

From My Point of View:

“Look kids, there is something moving on the back of that van!  What in the world is it?  There is a light on it too.  Wait, there is a stoplight coming up – grab my camera so I can take a video.  Maybe I can blog about it!”

From Their Point of View:

“Honey, what is that bright light behind us?  Why is that lady hanging out of her window?  She is taking a video of our Fish Hitch, isn’t she?  But our license plate is right next to it!  What is she going to do with the video?  Is that one of those blogger ladies?  Oh Lord, quick Sally, turn off the fish!”

“CLICK!”

No more fish.  But yes, I am one of those blogger ladies and I took a video of your moving fish.  And now it’s on Youtube.  But don’t worry, I was careful not to get your license plate in the video.  Sorry to scare you.  By the way, I like your fish!

My daughter first called out, “Mom!  It’s S-N-O-W-I-N-G!”  Whah?  Again?!   She flew out, then flew back in to exclaim, “Mom!  It’s weird!  It’s not snow… it’s like, well… styrofoam!”

And she was right.  It was like nothing I had ever seen.  It wasn’t hail.  It wasn’t ice.  And it certainly wasn’t snow.  It was fluffy but formed in perfect little balls that could stand on top of each other.  It looked like someone had taken a giant beanbag chair, opened it and threw it all over the sky.

Then someone described it perfectly.  It’s Dippin’ Dots!  Willy Wonka was spreading Dippin’ Dots all over the area.  He just forgot to add flavor.

Have you ever seen anything like this?  Is there a real name for when it styrofoams?

Doesn’t every family in America burble peas for entertainment?

All my son wanted for Christmas was a laptop, preferably with a webcam.  I hunted for weeks for an affordable one, unable to find anything within my Christmas budget.  That is, until two days before Christmas when I heard of a sale that was two bridges, a tunnel and an hour away.  I was so there.  And I scored!

Within hours of opening his gift he was connecting to his buddies on Skype.  I was excited to see his old school friend who moved to California right there in living color, wishing me and everyone else a Merry Christmas.  This was indeed a wonderful way for my son to keep in touch with his friend who now lives across the country.

Also connected in were a few of his local friends, allowing everyone to have a “video reunion,” so to speak.

Throughout the next few days I would see him “Skyping” with his friends, often wearing different hats, using props and anything else to keep things funny and fresh.  This leads me to what I consider the highlight of my entire Christmas weekend.

I opened my son’s door to tell him it was dinner time.  To my great surprise I was greeted with what could have been a scene directly out of Twin Peaks.  There was the laptop, open at the edge of his bed and facing forward.  On the other side of the bed was my son, sitting behind a deer head that had been “gifted” to my oldest boy a year before.  He was chatting with his buddies as if nothing was out of the ordinary.  Just ignore the huge deer head I’m sitting on, right?

Picture the view from Skype’s end.

It was at that moment that I completely bust a gut.  I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my face.  I finally plopped down on the floor in order to regain my composure – oh, and my breath.  Because breathing can be a good thing.

Uncontrollable laughter cures all ills.  It washes away stress and fills you with a giddiness that can’t be found elsewhere.  When was the last time you got to laugh this hard, and what were you laughing at?

I must say, it has been a joy preparing for Christmas.  The holiday spirit seems especially prevalent on the roads, don’t you think?  I’m not sure about your area, but in ours the aggressive drivers are out in numbers.  And two days ago I felt real fear thanks to one of these very people.

I was taking a tightly curved exit that was filled with holiday shoppers.  It was 5:00 and dark, making things even worse.  A young man was behind me and on my tail, willing me to somehow fly over the cars so he could get through quicker.  He revved his engine and pushed down on my bumper without quite touching it.

How he thought pushing down on a family minivan stuck in traffic would help is beyond me.  I tapped my brakes three times, trying to give him a little hint that, “Gee, maybe trying to cause an accident in the middle of traffic is not such a good idea.”  I suppose that is where I made my mistake.

Looking in my rear view mirror, I was happy to see he backed off.  But only in order to begin a series of hand gestures that I didn’t even understand!  I chose not to look anymore, knowing it would only cause me undo stress.  But with every glance I took I could still see his hands flying up in the air, his eyes glaring directly at my rear view mirror.

The way this exit was positioned, I would have to attempt a cross over four lanes of traffic to get to the left turn I needed.  Instead, I had to go straight, turn right, find a place to turn around in to get myself on the correct road.

I was not happy to see him still on my tail as I neared my right turn.  And as I made that turn he followed just as closely.  Nervously, I noticed he stayed behind me in my lane rather than move to the right lane to get away from me.

As I neared a hotel parking lot I could turn around in I began to feel uneasy.  This guy was not going away.  It was dark, I was alone and he was following me.  I made my turn in to a parking lot and to my horror he made the very same turn.

It was here that I felt real fear.  I picked up my phone “just in case.”  My heart began to race as my eyes continued to dart to my rear view mirror.  He seemed to disappear, making me worried he would block me on my way back to the main road.

Fortunately, this was not the case and he finally drove away.  With great relief, I continued on my way.  But I have to tell you – I have not felt real fear in a long time.  It is a horrible feeling, particularly if you are a woman.  This aggressive male driver was purposely trying to scare me – a woman alone in a minivan.  A few days before Christmas.  And it worked.

Right now I have a sick child at Christmas time.  Tonight we were supposed to go to Christmas Mass.  She was going to sing in the children’s choir while we celebrate the birth of Jesus.   Then off to Grandma’s for Christmas Eve dinner, and back to our house to prepare for Santa.

However, from the hacking going on next to me I know I won’t have the pleasure of tearing up in church as I watch the children sing on the altar.  Dinner might or might not happen and the nebulizer will be the center of today’s events.  But I am home with my children, dog at my side and I’m safe and sound.

I can celebrate Christmas anywhere that my children and mother are.  It may not be the perfect Christmas we hoped for, but we will be together – off the roads – and that is what matters the most.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL.  And to my Jewish friends, Happy late Hanukah!   Be safe and enjoy your family, because that is what makes life worth living.

I am sorry Man Over Board, but I have found someone new to covet from afar.  A man’s man.  He is well dressed, suave and croons with a velvet voice that was surely created by angels.  Once you see him, I’m sure you will understand.

Ladies, get ready to dump your men and stand in line.  I’ll share.  He is almost too much for me.  Dim the lamp, light the candles and prepare for the ride of your life.  And by the way… you are very welcome.