yesterday, we did a pre-walkthrough of the house (pictures below).

today, we purchased our washer/dryer (sold my “old” washer/dryer to my mom when she moved into her townhouse) and our new fridge, and did a bit of packing.

i got my closet cleaned out (except for my clothes), and finally emptied out the downstairs closet (which was an absolute nightmare, this is a good example). brett and i are getting rid of both of our computer desks and buying a new L-shaped one for the downstairs, so we cleaned out our desks tonight before we get rid of them.

cleaning out my desk meant finally getting rid of my “mean green machine”. the very first computer i ever built back in high school. my first gaming computer, and also my night light for a few years. it had glowing green cathode tubes and fans mounted in it before i maxed out the power supply. it was this site’s first web server for a while before i converted to godaddy. my buddy grainger and i built it together, and i remember being so excited to finally have an awesome (well, back then it was awesome) computer to bring to all our LAN parties.

yes, it still has a floppy drive. i haven’t used this thing in… many years. but up until now i couldn’t bear to part with it. i was really sad to see it go this evening. caylin and i waved byebye to it when brett took it down to the garbage.

brett also sold his very first self-built computer last week. he claims he didn’t use it enough. i helped him build it after he ordered all the parts about a year ago. i MADE him take a picture of it for nostalgic purposes. i want him to remember building it with his preggo wife, a billion pieces strewn about on our living room floor, sweating while trying to get his ungodly large graphics card seated correctly. it’s all about the memories.

it’s sick how much i attach myself to things like this. i still have the wrapper from a saralee cheesecake i ate at my very first boy/girl party in the 7th grade at my first boyfriend’s house. it’s in a shoebox with about 900 other little memories. i’ve since filled up 3 more shoeboxes, and will continue to do so until the day i die. and then caylin, if she’s like her daddy, will be going through my crap like, “why on earth did she save this? this is garbage.” and if she’s anything like me, she will totally get it. and she’ll probably have a shoebox or 3 of her own in her closet.

as promised, pictures of the house. since the last time we went, we have a painted accent wall downstairs, and some landscaping done. carpeting, lights, mirrors, etc. it’s so close!

side note: i suck at taking pictures of our new house. jesus, these are terrible.

anyway, tomorrow we have our walkthrough with the builder. we made a list of things to fix when we went saturday, so hopefully we will get this wrapped up soon! one of the things on that list is to paint the upstairs balcony door black to match the downstairs. i don’t know how or why that got left out to begin with, but i’ve been bugging them for weeks to get it fixed. if i’ve learned anything, it’s that building a house is frustrating. i’m ready for this process to be over.

the older i get, the more i realize i don’t deal well with change. which is crazy when up until 2 and a half years ago, that’s all my life consisted of. i moved 9 times between 2005 and 2010, but the difference was most of those moves ended up with me moving back to boone. or somewhere else in boone. the last 3 were in charleston, and each move was less than 2 miles away from where we’re living now. our little corner of the world, with everything we’ve ever needed nearby. my first big girl apartment out of college on my own is 1/4 mile from here–the first apartment brett and i lived in together when he finally came to charleston. then we moved down the street. and then we moved here.

so much has happened since we’ve lived here, and so many memories:

• planting our first garden
• our first fight
• buying crappy patio furniture so we could sit in the garage with the door open and drink scotch together in our pajamas
• getting engaged
• hosting UFC fight nights with friends
• frequenting our favorite friday night dinner spots (the mexican place down the street and king street grill) together before caylin was born
• stopping at food lion on my way home from work, where everyone knows me now
• trying to sunbathe in a lounge chair in the bed of my truck
• learning to cook
• date nights at the awesome bar down the street
• buying crappy walmart bikes to go ride through the trails behind our neighborhood
• finding out loki had a tumor, crying after her surgery, hoping she’d make it to our wedding. and then caylin’s birth. and now to the new house.
• great times with our awesome neighbor
• taking shots with brett over the kitchen sink, chasing them with giant steroid grapes from food lion
• finding out we were pregnant, crying, panicking, and driving to walmart to buy more pregnancy tests
• getting married
• our awesome disney honeymoon
• piecing together caylin’s nursery, little by little (i never knew it then, but i absolutely loved making that room perfect for her. god, that was awesome.)
• watching all our shows in our cozy living room, it was always the coziest when the christmas tree was up
• bringing caylin home from the hospital
• having the time of our lives getting to know her over the past 8 months

i could go on forever.

the last 8 months, all we wanted was to move into a bigger place. a house where caylin and loki could have their yard. our future home. but this HAS been our home for the last 2 and a half years, and i guess i never really thought about it until it came time to leave. and now we have like, 3 weeks left in this place.

maybe it’s hormones, or maybe it’s because i missed working out for 5 days when i was sick, but this just sucks. it’s exciting and awesome and i love that we can give caylin such a gorgeous home in a great neighborhood, but part of it sucks. i wish i could take it all with me. i wish that i could print a photo of every single memory and get it framed and stick it on a wall in the new house without it costing a billion dollars to do so. i don’t want to forget a single bit of it. ever.

also, i wish caylin would just stop growing and that might make this all just a little bit easier. she wore size 18 month pajamas to bed tonight. it makes my heart hurt. i revel in the very few nights she wakes up crying and i get to cuddle her.

for the love of god, i can’t take all this at once. no one told me parenting would tug at my heartstrings so much, dammit.

we pay my mom to be our full time nanny, but on top of being absolutely amazing at that, she takes care of loki and thor throughout the day. she cleans out the litter box. she does our laundry. she does caylin’s laundry. she still folds it perfectly. she gets our mail. she vacuums. she shampoos our carpet when one of the animals pukes. she cleans the bathrooms. she turns off the crock pot when i forget. she buys more crescent roll dough when she has a craving and eats all of ours (really, mom. you don’t have to buy us more. we should be buying YOU crescent rolls by the truckload for all that you do).

we’re moving in less than a month. so over the past several weeks, my mom has been bringing empty boxes and tupperware to our house when she comes over every morning. while caylin naps, she starts packing and cleaning. she started packing up our entire house, box by box. little by little. carefully. meticulously. wrapping breakables in leftover tissue paper and dish towels. the woman has more patience than i could ever hope to have, and puts forth so much effort to make sure things are done right. of all of the admirable traits i could get from her (and her mom is the same way), i especially wish i had gotten these.

the last 2 days, i stayed home sick from work. there’s a bug going around our team and i finally caught it. my mom let me sleep in yesterday morning, and took care of caylin. when i got up, i took over taking care of caylin, and my mom started cleaning and packing. scrubbing stains out of the carpet. dusting. hanging pictures up to cover up nail holes and ripping dead flowers out of the front yard so it won’t look so bad when they show the house to potential renters. she took care of caylin when i needed to work. she ordered us a pizza for lunch, and hung out with me and caylin all day.

today, she showed up with her carpet cleaner, her vacuum, and magic erasers. she spent most of the day cleaning the carpet on the stairs, vacuuming the stairs, scrubbing the downstairs floor, and scrubbing scuff marks off our walls. for hours, she did this. hours.

this is my mom. even when i was in college, she would come visit and she’d clean my bathroom, and make sure i had everything i needed before she left.

to this day, i regret fighting with her as much as i did in high school and college. two hormonal women living under one roof alone is never a good combination, and i’m sure it happens to every mother and daughter. i’m sure it will happen with me and caylin when the time comes (this kills me thinking about it). but that doesn’t change the fact that i hate how mean i was, when after all that, she is still this good to me, and even better to caylin.

our trips to get frozen yogurt together. splitting domino’s pizzas. watching big bang theory and everybody loves raymond and under the tuscan sun. disney on ice and broadway/off-broadway musicals. our awesome trips to disney (there are more to come!). watching the partridge family and i love lucy and bob newhart. listening to “oldies” radio. these are the things i will always remember and love. i already make sure caylin gets a regular dose of 50′s/60′s music. these are some of the best memories i have.

i couldn’t ask for a better mother, a better woman to look up to, a better person in my life. i’m horrible at being mushy and affectionate in person–brett will tell you the same thing. but it doesn’t mean that i don’t KNOW that i am so lucky to have someone so amazing in my life who takes such good care of me and my family.

i don’t know what i’d do without you, mom. and i don’t know what i’d do if you hadn’t moved to charleston. i love you so much. thank you for being the best mom in the world.

here it is.

1. if you’re newly pregnant (or not stupidly uncomfortable yet), or thinking of getting pregnant, and you don’t already have kids–take a second and think about all of the things you want to do. is there a concert you’ve been wanting to see? a trip you want to take? any classes you want to do while you still have free time? take advantage of the free time you have. this is something i wish i had been better about. if you think you don’t have enough time now, you will be looking back 9+ months from now kicking yourself for not doing something awesome with all that free time you had boatloads of and didn’t even know it. do something fun. road trip. concerts. stay out late for no reason. go get ice cream at midnight. go to the movies. go out to eat. whatever. do it, have fun, and take lots of pictures.
2. when i found out i was pregnant, my biggest, most daunting concern was postpartum depression. given my history with depression and anxiety, i was almost certain i was doomed. little did i know, there’s also such a thing as prenatal depression. my doctor never mentioned it. none of my friends who are parents mentioned it, or just never dealt with it. it wasn’t in a single article i read until it dawned on me that’s what was wrong, when i couldn’t even crack a smile and felt like the world was coming to an end, and i googled it. it is real, and it sucks. you are not alone. a lot of the media makes pregnancy seem like it’s all sunshine and rainbows, especially those moms who are gung-ho baby. it isn’t, and a lot of it does suck, and that’s okay. it doesn’t make you a horrible person or parent. i bought this and did 30 minutes every night while i watched seinfeld. not only did i feel better, but i lost weight. also, a glass or 2 of wine a week was a fantastic stress reliever.
3. your OB might try and prescribe you prenatal vitamins. i don’t know what they are prescribing you, but the one-a-day prenatal vitamins work just fine and they’re less than half the price of the ones that my doc tried to give me, last twice as long, and have the same ingredients. read the labels.
4. eating for two doesn’t mean double your food intake. it means eating healthier, possibly more often, and only about 300 extra calories a day. your doctor should tell you this.
5. i never bought maternity clothes when i started getting bigger. i wore a lot of yoga pants, and i bought a whole mess of these dresses and rotated them every week. it was the only way to survive being pregnant through a summer in charleston. plus, you can wear them when you’re not pregnant, and you didn’t waste a whole mess of money on something you’re only going to wear for a few months of your life, if that.
6. everyone is super nice to you. people will unload your groceries for you, at the register AND at your car. they will open every door. they will carry things for you. they will bring you food. they talk to you for no reason (sometimes this is not a plus, but it’s still nice). this is also true AFTER you have your baby, but it’s only if you bring your baby with you. after that, people don’t care about you. they care about that baby. and they want to touch it. especially old ladies at the grocery store. it’s like a magnet. i’m sure they mean well, but i will straight up lysol spray the next total stranger in the face who tries to put their hands on caylin.
7. people puke when they give birth. what the hell. apparently, the epidural hides the pain from YOU, but it does not hide the pain from your BRAIN. apparently, when your brain knows it’s in a lot of pain, you throw up. do you know how hard it is to puke lying down? while you’re trying to get a baby out of you? i felt like a ninja when i successfully puked in the *ridiculously* small “bowl” they gave me to barf in. thing was like the size of a fanny pack. i made brett stand facing the wall for the whole delivery/birth, but he was close enough to still hold my hand. sometimes the bucket.
8. the shameless nurses. i know they’ve seen it all, so i get it. but there was a reason i made brett stand with his back turned during the whole experience. there was a reason i made him shield his eyes. there was a reason i asked him to leave the room several times. i understand husbands and wives are supposed to be intimate, but i am not like that. i enjoy my privacy. i also enjoy my sex life, and there are some things you can’t unsee. and AFTER you have the baby? the nurses just don’t care. they will yank your robe or bed sheet off mid-sentence, regardless of whether or not he’s standing right there. i’m sorry, but that is not okay. ladies, talk to your nurse about your level of comfort. they have no boundaries. if you’re a nurse reading this, stop stealing people’s robes!
9. postpartum hair loss. are you kidding me? estrogen is such a bitch. when your estrogen levels drop, your hair falls out. did you know that? because i sure didn’t. mine didn’t start until like, 4 months after, but according to the google, that is totally normal. and it can last for up to a year. A YEAR. i don’t think there will be any hair left in a year. the upside to this? i attempted curling my hair by myself for the first time in about a decade when it started, and it took all of 5 minutes. not because i’m a pro, but because i can do all my hair with 6 curls. unfortunately, i don’t own any hair spray and it is straight by the time i get to work. fail.
10. cosleeping can be a GOOD THING. almost everything i read about mommies who cosleep swayed in favor of not cosleeping. it wasn’t until i read this that i realized it could be beneficial (and learned a lot of other helpful tips). i don’t want to get into a debate with anyone about this, but i am 100% in favor of it. if it suits you, and everyone gets their sleep, and your baby is safe and comfy, by all means, go for it. i’ve mentioned it several times on here. i coslept with caylin for about 4.5-5 months, and it was one of THE best experiences of my life for so many reasons. some people say you will spoil your baby–that’s crap. it will spoil YOU. some people say it isn’t safe–it depends on how safe you are about it and how your baby sleeps. caylin and i slept face to face every night (except for the first month or so where she slept on my stomach), and neither of us budged. she hardly ever woke up, you bond with your baby, feeding is quick, and it was the best sleep i ever had. also, babies are like miniature heaters. it was harder to ween myself from cosleeping than it was for her.
11. this book deserves its own bullet, if only for the “five S’s”. it’s the only baby book i took a second glance at because it just makes sense.
12. formula feeding doesn’t make you a bad mom. it’s a personal choice. almost every woman i talked to (except for the women at work who are all awesome) gave me the death stare when this topic came up. bite me, is all i gotta say. if it’s not for you, it’s not for you. don’t judge those of us who choose not to, and especially don’t judge the women who are unable to breastfeed.
13. everyone said sleep when your baby sleeps. if i had to hear that again, i was going to punch someone. you know when that phrase is appropriate? AFTER the first 3 months (unless your baby is colicky or is just difficult, we got incredibly lucky). before that, they sleep so much. and they sleep often. if i had things to get done, that’s when i got them done. plus, when they’re that little, almost nothing entertains them. so all you do when they’re awake is carry them around. i wore caylin in her moby wrap all the time and she loved it. now, she is exhausting (in a hilarious and awesome way, of course). and she can’t even walk yet. i can only imagine. trying to entertain someone with the attention span of a goldfish is so tiring. she’s alert. she is constantly grabbing for ANYTHING. so all you do is move from activity to activity. toy to toy. fling her around. eat some more food. fling her around some more. more toys. wagon rides. i can hardly keep up.
14. tummy time was something that the pediatrician(s) insisted on happening. along with rice cereal (i decided to stick to organic fruits, veggies, meats, veggie/whole wheat pastas) and no feeding at bedtime (which happens to be the best way to put caylin to sleep at night). well, guess what: some babies hate it. caylin hated it until about 2-ish months ago. she finally started rolling over voluntarily, and then she would get pissed that she was on her stomach. for a while, she would do it while sleeping, and it would wake her up and she’d start screaming. in my opinion, tummy time is for the birds. and the doctor wanted an HOUR A DAY. no way that was happening. she loved her jumper and her bouncer, could stand and squat and all that jazz by herself, and had incredible control for her age. she just didn’t want to be on her stomach. i respect doctors, but i also know my baby. go with your gut first. babies are on their own timeline. just let it happen.
15. consignment shows and consignment shops are awesome. so is amazon mom combined with amazon prime, this baby food, any of these snacks/foods (caylin would eat a whole bag of rice cakes if we let her), these high chair/shopping cart covers, this list of things you may need, and these monthly baby gift boxes.

i am a young mom, a first time parent, new at this (obviously), and have no idea of what is to come. but i do know caylin, and i know that the choices i’ve made so far are what is right for her and our family. in the end, that’s all that matters.

don’t let people try and convince you otherwise. choose books/articles/blogs/etc carefully, and don’t let anyone force unsolicited advice down your throat.

[edit] i should also add, if this is your first baby, and you’re scared (i was terrified), just know that it will be the most awesome experience of your life. if you take anything away from this post, that should be it.[/edit]

• a little over 20 pounds!
• wearing 18-month clothes (OMG!)
• her hair is getting longer it’s so fuzzy and so blonde. who would’ve thought i’d make a blonde baby?!
• she eats EVERYTHING. i share my dinner with her every night, even after she’s just eaten her dinner. i made her some homemade mac & cheese (girl can’t get enough macaroni) and brett fed her until she was going to pop, or so he thought. i sat down with my dinner… and she continued to eat my chicken and green beans. ribs, ravioli, chicken, steak, hamburger, beefaroni, pork loin, cheerios. you name it. she’ll eat it.
• she’s not babbling as much lately–that only lasted a couple weeks. she does this sing songy thing a lot and just makes weird whimsical noises all the time. she’s goofy.
• she can feed herself her bottle now, until she gets distracted and i have to give it back to her. but at least i can have a free hand for a bit
• she plays with loki and thor a lot lately. i wish i could get video when they’re REALLY going at it, but i never have my phone ready. it’s unbelievably adorable.
• no teeth yet, but that doesn’t stop her from putting everything in her mouth. the only thing she won’t put in her mouth on her own is food (unless it’s a rice cake). not sure what that’s about. she still wants us to feed it to her.
• she’s really into pulling my hair, which does not help with the postpartum hair loss. which, by the way, is just stupid.
• she can kind of crawl, but only backwards. she can also walk in her walker, but prefers to walk only backwards. she’s walked across the kitchen a few times, and around the living room, but she usually gets bored before she gets anywhere.
• she still loves drinking out of cups, and she enjoys licking ice cubes. she’s a strange one.

i can’t believe how goofy and spastic she is. she is gonna be a riot when she starts walking and talking. and a handful.

in other news, brett and i started watching the sopranos series about a month ago. i’d never seen it until now–he used to watch it when it was on TV. since walking dead is over and the americans just ended this wednesday, we needed something else to hold us over until the rest of our shows start up in september.

these days, caylin goes to bed around 8, i go upstairs and do my nike training club workout for 30-45 mins, shower, and then we hang out and watch sopranos or a movie. it hasn’t gotten old yet, but we haven’t been especially social lately–something we need to work on. and we also need a date night. we haven’t had a night out in a while where we didn’t go out with friends and/or get drunk. as awesome as that is/was, our only time alone with each other is from 10-midnight every day. if only there were like 2 more hours in the day.

we definitely need to take caylin out more, or at least get her around people more often. we had a team cookout/party at my lead’s house and caylin absolutely freaked for the first half hour. tears were flowing, i felt horrible, and almost had to take her home. she’s turning into a homebody like us i think getting the new house will help, though. in my last post i mentioned our new neighbors. they are about our age with a 17-month old, and our friends amanda and andrew live 3 houses down. we’ll have a pool and a playground, and new restaurants to go to. hopefully we’ll get out more soon. i’m excited.

speaking of neighbors, we went to visit the new house today. it’s almost done. hardwood floors are done. light fixtures are in. they still have to fix the back porch (they forgot to add the extra 5 feet to the side where the grill is supposed to sit), and there isn’t any carpet. but it looks amazing. here are a few pics from our walk-through.

loki making herself at home :)

kitchen/living room

view of living room/dining room from stairs

babygirl :)

porch outside master bedroom

master bedroom

master bedroom

kitchen

kitchen

back porch

living room

living room

front hallway

house

i’m not excited about the move itself, but i can’t wait to get settled in. this ought to be interesting!

1. take the red hat security exam in june
2. have this baby
3. move into a house as soon as we’re financially able
4. learn to raise said baby

so i can cross off #1. i took the course and the exam. didn’t pass the exam, but retained what i learned in class, and have every intent of taking it again. but it will be a while before i can just throw $800 at a test, or any more thousands of dollars at red hat training. that is just no longer an option. my dreams of working toward my RHCA are very much on hold for the foreseeable future.

i can cross off #2–caylin IS our life now, and it’s incredible.

#3–happening in 1 month. the house is slated to be done may 23. loki and caylin will finally have their backyard. this makes me excited just thinking about it. the day caylin gets a jungle gym, i am gonna be ALL OVER THAT. I CAN’T WAIT TO RELIVE MY CHILDHOOD. hello, trampoline!!! hello, monkey bars!!! also, hellooo debt!

#4–this will be ongoing for the next 18 years, at least. and it’s awesome and scary all at the same time.

i learned how to fly a plane (not licensed, but i did it long enough to take off/land/control it myself with a “chaperon”). i learned how to weld. i reached over a million downloads on my apps in the android market. i have a job that i love. i have the cutest baby on the planet. i married the love of my life.

so now what? besides being completely happy where i am in life, gotta have something to move toward.

i was thinking about this when i was in the shower last night, of all places. but it finally dawned on me. i DO know what my goals are going forward, and i’m already on my way to reaching at least one of them. and that is to get in SHAPE.

for the first time in my entire LIFE. i have never worked out and kept at it. i’ve never been happy with my body. not even when i did gymnastics regularly. i’ve never felt good or fit or any of that, and for the first time ever, EVER, i can see and feel my body changing. my mood changing. it is phenomenal. and now that i have actually seen results, i don’t want to quit. and i want to keep at it. and i look forward to it. which has also never happened. not even with zumba, sadly. though that was fun while it lasted. thank you, nike training club.

it’s been over a month and i’ve worked out almost every day, only missing 1 day a week. 2 at the most. once when we were out of town, and once last weekend when i was too hungover. fail.

my other goal will be on hold until we get the house. i want to build a vegetable garden. our new neighbors have one, and if they can do it, i can do it. they are about our age, with an 18 month old little girl. *cough* caylin’s new BFF *cough* i hope. she’s adorable. she even tried to give caylin a hug but then got too shy–caylin thought it was hilarious.

and for a professional goal–continue to work on openstack at work. it’s good stuff to know, and i’m having a lot of fun with it. also keep getting better at puppet, and everything else i do for my project. i’m surrounded by geniuses at sparc, and i learn something new every day.

so that’s it.

1. get in shape
2. grow a vegetable garden
3. openstack
4. puppet

oh, and get a tan. one that doesn’t have to be sprayed on. one day.

the past month has been incredible and she gets more fun by the day. she is just so damn awesome now.

• she’s been sleeping through the night for several weeks now, and it’s GREAT. only a few times has she woken up in the middle of the night to eat. if anything, usually i just pat her on the back and give her her pacifier. 8PM – 7:30ish AM. fan-tastic.
• she has these CRAZY hyper moods lately where she just starts freaking. screaming, laughing, jumping, flailing her toys around, banging on everything. it is hilarious.



• she eats pretty much anything. some things she’ll only eat a few bites of if she’s not crazy about it, but for the most part she gobbles it all down. yogurt, chicken/veggies/quinoa (her favorite), beef stew, little bits of cheese, rice cakes, it’s so much fun letting her try new things.
• my mom and my grandparents bought her a little red wagon that she absolutely loves to ride around in! we take her out on walks whenever it’s nice out.



• she does this weird half hug/half faceplant thing lately which is weird. adorable but weird. i’m not really sure what it is but it’s awesome.
• she’s wearing size 12 month clothes now. i had to buy her all new pajamas because the ones she has are starting to squish her feet in the ends. i don’t think the 12 month ones will last long.
• she’s figuring out what splashing is in the bathtub. she loves bath time. especially since i got a bunch of bath toys for her to play with.



• there is pretty much nothing she’ll pick up that she won’t put in her mouth, and the remotes are still her favorite. oh, and the funnel from the kitchen. i’ll never understand.
• one of her favorite things to do is drink water out of cups. she is fascinated with cups. specifically our pint glasses.
• her hair is getting a lot fuzzier, and boy is it blonde. i can’t wait until it gets a little longer.
• i’m pretty sure her laugh is intoxicating. you can’t not have a great day after hearing it.

this list doesn’t do the last month any justice. we have just been loving watching her figure out the world around her.

sometimes i feel like this is some crazy science project for big kids. like, nature just decided to see what would happen if you give 2 pretty-much-still-kids a baby. “HERE, YOU TWO! have a baby! see what happens! you have no idea what you’re doing!” somewhere in the universe, aliens are looking at our townhouse through a giant magnifying glass laughing.

yesterday, caylin barfed in my hair.

today, she yanked out a tuft of thor’s hair.

occasionally, she sticks her foot in a poo-filled diaper and flings it.

the other day, she realized what my eyebrow ring was and thought it would be fun to yank on.

last week, we introduced shredded cheese to caylin. she didn’t poo for over 24 hours. OOPS. she was sooo cranky, and the MOMENT she crapped herself, she started shrieking and flailing about laughing. complete 180.

yesterday morning, i let her sit in bed with me and brett until my mom got to the house. i had my eyes closed listening to her talk to herself, and she decided that i should be paying better attention. so she just started slapping me in the face and yanking on my hair and pulling my bottom lip like it wasn’t attached. oh my god.

mostly, i feel like at any given moment, you could snapshot our life and caption it “FOR SCIENCE”, and it would be entirely appropriate.

anyway, i’m still doing great on the exercise front. i’ve been doing a nike training club workout every night, despite my hatred for squats (kill me now), and despite my severe lack of space in which to do it. our house will be ready in less than 2 months–i can’t wait to have a whole ROOM to move around in.

i also decided a salad for every dinner wasn’t practical, and that i’d feel guilty for not making brett food. i usually cook every night, and i realized i actually enjoy it most of the time, so i continued doing that. i’ve just been cooking better dinners, and eating better lunches. except today. today i had a burger. i couldn’t fight the craving any longer. sometimes it just has to happen. i try to balance it out. if i have a crappy lunch, i make a way better dinner. either way, my portion sizes for every meal have been smaller. i never over eat because i hate feeling full, but i’m trying to be even better about it.

i started making us smoothies every morning for breakfast instead of my scrambled eggs. 1 banana, 4-5 strawberries, 3-4 big chunks of pineapple, about 1/3 cup of orange juice, about 1/2 a cup of baby spinach, and 4 ice cubes. i love my magic bullet. i have never really liked smoothies much because the lumpy texture really freaks me out, but these things are so good. my friend stacey got me reading thug kitchen and it inspired me.

i’ve also been making a lot of guacamole lately. just avocado mixed with salt, lime juice, and newman’s own chunky salsa. so good. i never liked guac until a few months ago when i tried it again. NEW FOOD IS SO EXCITING!

not a whole lot has been going on lately. get home around 5:30, cook dinner, eat dinner, hang out with caylin and take her on walks if it isn’t raining, feed caylin and play with her until bedtime at 8. make formula for the next day, clean up downstairs, relax a bit before working out, shower, and by then it’s at least 10 PM. watch our shows if we have any.

walking dead season finale was sunday night, and the americans will be over in 4 episodes. baseball has taken over the TV again (hate watching baseball on TV), and brett has no basketball OR football to watch now. he’s about to lose his mind. i can’t wait for homeland and dexter and sons of anarchy to come back.

we finally watched les miserables the other night and while i absolutely loved it, i was so dead tired that i kept nodding off for the last half hour. i’m so pissed at myself for that, and i really regret not being able to see it on the big screen. it was still a GREAT movie. we also watched hot tub time machine (wayyy other direction, i know), and it was also awesome. ly hilarious.

this weekend we’re heading to NC for a night. i wish it was for longer because there are so many people i want to see, and i want to go see my family, but friends of mine are having a party saturday and i never get to see them. then on sunday we’re driving east to pick up my grandparents and bring them back to charleston so they can stay with my mom for a week.

lots of driving and so little time to see some of my favorite people, but at least i get to see them. can’t complain. life is good.

i’ve been working out at home when i can doing this workout (ad-hoc’ing on the days i “can’t” with sets of pushups/crunches/jumping jacks when i’m trying to take care of caylin AND work out).

i switched to a stand-up desk for when i’m working on one laptop, and i sit on my exercise ball while i’m pedaling at the other.

i drink nothing but water with every meal.

i’ve been counting calories. only drinking like once during the week. i lost a couple pounds in the beginning, but now it’s stagnant at 120 pounds. and it’s pissing me off.

this weekend i’m going to get a tan. this weekend i’m going to get my hair done and eyebrows waxed. this weekend i’m going to actually go shopping (shudder) and buy some spring/summer work clothes since i got rid of most of mine. it’s already too warm for leggings here, and it has been for a while. luckily our office is freezing.

and… tomorrow starts the diet. i can honestly say that i’ve never put myself on a diet in my entire life. this is a first. i’m almost ashamed that i’m putting myself up to this because i’ve gone 26 years without it. but to be realistic, i’ve felt “good” about myself maybe one summer out of those 26 years.

again, i’m sick of feeling like shit.

i’m going to eat 2 eggs scrambled (nothing added except ketchup, i was raised by yankees) for breakfast every morning, with a fruit cup and a granola bar. a GOOD lunch if i go out to eat, or just a lean cuisine if i stay at work. chicken caesar salad for dinner every night, no croutons, minimal dressing (i looove chicken caesar salads).

i know i can do this. my first setback will be breakfast because i’m so used to not packing it (i don’t have time before work so i’ll have to eat it AT work), but other than that, i should be fine. when brett was gone for a week back in january, i ate chicken caesar salads for dinner every night and it was awesome. so that leaves me with lunch. for the love of god, someone send some willpower my way.

i’m tired of hating myself and i’m tired of it interfering with my mood. more importantly, i’m tired of it interfering with my marriage.

i’m just over it.

i’ve had this craving for a long time now. i get them from time to time. i get the itch to get another piercing or tattoo, but i’m running out of piercing options, and i don’t want to get any “big” tattoos. not yet, anyway. i also don’t have any tattoo-worthy ideas. god, i wish i could draw.

the last time i had anything done was 2009, and that was piercing #18. i think. an awesome thing about boone (out of like a million things)? my favorite bar was a block away from a tattoo/piercing place. both were less than a block away from the building that ALL of my classes were in. oh, how i miss college. anyway, i showed up at brett’s with another bar in my ear and he was all, “WTF”.

similar situation. i was in training the other day when the craving hit again. it had actually been in the back of my mind for a few weeks now. i IMed brett and told him i wanted to get another tattoo. my phone rang immediately, lol. he’s so weird about this stuff. we had a conversation about it over dinner tonight, and i still don’t understand his position on body modification. he says i “don’t need anymore.” i know i don’t NEED them. no one NEEDS them. but i love it. every hole and every mark is a memory.

my dad has always hated my cravings, as well. when i was younger, i made a deal with him that i wouldn’t get any tattoos until i was 21, and i wouldn’t get any piercings unless they were OK-ed by him. this worked out, for the most part. he OK-ed quite a few. and then i went to college, and all hell broke loose. not completely, but i did get my first tattoo at 19 (my name in binary on my lower back), which was outside the scope of our deal. i kept it hidden for a while until he found out (or at least, to my knowledge). i got my second at 20 (my ladybug), and my third (my weird skull with fangs) about a month before my 21st birthday, the day before i left for scandinavia. so, technically, all of them were against our deal. to this day, i feel guilty for lying to my dad.

i do get where he was coming from, though. the older you get, the more you realize what “permanent” means. lucky for me, i still love all my tattoos. they all hold a special meaning for me.

my name in binary? i got it the day my best friend grainger came home from iraq. we made a deal while he was gone that we’d get inked together. my best friend becky (one of my bridesmaids!) came with us and held my hand the whole time. i couldn’t ask for a better first tattoo experience.

that is becky’s finger after i squeezed the shit out of it. ignore the dates–my camera screen was broken from so many drops, so i couldn’t fix it after a while.

my ladybug was a little more spontaneous. my favorite movie of all time is under the tuscan sun. yes, it’s a chick flick. but when i was going through a bit of a rough bout with depression, coupled with boy drama, my mom made me watch it. now that i’m older, i understand it was her attempt to make me realize that she had been there, done that, and was trying to comfort me (and snap me out of it). at the time, it felt like nagging. but i watched it anyway. i don’t want to sound stupid by saying it changed my life, but… it changed my life. not immediately, but down the road.

i felt closer to my mom (despite me trying my hardest not to show it). when i was living alone in my studio apartment in 2006, and was horribly depressed to the point where i flunked out a semester, ate spaghetti-o’s and easy-mac for like 2 months, stopped going to work, never took off my sweatpants, and didn’t leave the house, i also didn’t have cable. this was the only movie i played. i let it play on repeat for weeks. it wasn’t because it was a filmography masterpiece (it isn’t)–it was because it let me know my mom was worrying about me. and that was comforting, even from 100 miles away.

there’s a quote in the movie…

How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing? Listen, when I was a little girl I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I’d just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me.

basically, good things will come to those who wait. it took me years to figure out what my mom was trying to tell me. it only gains more meaning the older i get. our home is littered with ladybug-laden everything.

when i got my skull tattoo, it was almost on a whim, but that doesn’t discount the meaning. the day before i left for europe back in 2007, i was hanging out at home in NC, visiting old friends. my ex from high school, brian, was finally not working, so we could go hang out. he had just gotten in a horrible motorcycle accident, about wrapped his bike around a tree, and could’ve very easily died. he was incredibly lucky, and he walked away from the wreck, but had severe damage to his arm/wrist/hand. having survived a near-death experience, we made a deal to go get tattoos together that evening. we drove out to a house in podunk. we were out in advance/mocksville–definitely off the grid. a friend of his did tattoos out of his house, so his buddy drew it up, and that was that.

today? today’s ink was on another level.

i knew i wanted caylin’s name, but all that stood in my way was the font choice. i finally decided on voluptate, after weeding through hundreds. i called the tattoo shop today to make an appointment. brett and i had already made plans to take half-days from work. tattoo or no tattoo, we wanted to have an afternoon to go do something together.

i got there a little early and the girl at the desk was awesome, as was my artist. as it turns out, he used to OWN the tattoo shop that i spoke about earlier (the one in boone). such a small world. i had a lot of piercings done there, and it brought back memories. that sealed the deal for me. that was my sign. how awesome is that? i was done in less than 30 minutes, and we were out of there.

i absolutely love it, and i hope caylin does, too, one day. that babygirl has changed my life.

milestones as of late…

• she fed herself the other day. with a sippy cup with handles. booya.
• she’s screaming now. like, ear piercing shrieks that send chills down your spine. they’re happy shrieks, but they are still close to deafening.
• she thinks loki and thor are the best thing she’s ever seen. they walk into the room and she goes apeshit.
• she’s almost sleeping through the night again (waking once or twice), and has started putting herself to sleep after i feed her. without crying.
• she’s excellent at sit-ups!
• she will sit up in her pack ‘n’ play for like 20 minutes playing with her toys, talking to herself, minding her own business.
• eating lots of fruits! i pureed a bunch of peaches/carrots and bought some organic pureed baby foods. she loves strawberries and kiwi. they make her crazy hyper, though.
• she laughs SO much and it is hilarious.
• wearing size 3 diapers, barely fitting in 9month old clothing, and about to break mama’s back. she’s huge.

you know what i’m realizing? the older she gets, the less old i feel. like, the first 3-4 months? i felt ancient. i felt decrepit. i felt ugly as sin. i felt like i was never going to be in my 20′s again. i just felt old and boring and like i was never going to see public and the outside world ever again. and then she started smiling. and now she hardly stops smiling. and we can take her places, like out to dinner. and the beach. and she can come visit me at work. and she’s a little PERSON. and she is just starting to be crazy amounts of fun. and i can feel myself getting younger by the day.

this is seriously the best feeling, you guys. it’s like rainbows and unicorns and dandelions. it just makes me so happy. and relieved. and uplifted. and this is not to say that the first 3-4 months weren’t incredible, because they were. it was, however, a serious adjustment period. and a reality check. and so many overwhelming emotions that knocked me on my ass.

it’s also making me realize how much brett and i took for granted before we had her. meaning our time off. as in, WE HAD ALL THE DAMN TIME IN THE WORLD BEFORE WE HAD HER. and we did nothing. everyone told us to enjoy our free time. and take advantage of being able to relax and do nothing and sleep in. and that is ALL we did. and i know i’ve mentioned this before. but it is a recurring thought for me on an almost daily basis. i wish we did more STUFF around charleston before we had her. i wish we went to more concerts (though we did go to a few). there is so much fun stuff to do around here and we’ve done like, none of it.

but at the same time, it makes me realize how awesome it will [continue to] be when we do have our date nights and we get to do all the fun things we have yet to experience around here. these days, dates with brett feel like when we were first dating. because when we’re out and about and my mom babysits for us, i don’t worry about caylin. and i finally relax. let my hair down. it’s like experiencing it all over from the beginning. it is awesome.

that’s the other thing. the older caylin gets, the more i’m able to relax. example: last night. i generally cook dinner every night. i plan all our meals because it helps to budget the grocery shopping, and then i don’t have to think about what to cook every night or make random stops on the way home. i grocery shop twice a month, and i set aside 1-2 nights each week that i call “fuck it” nights. nights where i know i’m not going to want to cook, and i just want to eat something simple and play with caylin and not even worry about dinner or dishes or any of that crap. last night wasn’t supposed to be a “fuck it” night. i was planning on cooking steak and taters. i forgot to take the steaks out of the freezer the night before. since i’ve become super OCD about crap like this (don’t know why, it absolutely annoys the shit out of me), i was thinking about it all day in the back of my head, going “wtf am i going to make tonight? i don’t have anything planned! there is NO DEFROSTED MEAT IN OUR HOUSE!” then, on the drive home, i got a craving for fish. so i got take-out. you know when that happens? never. brett was so confused when he came home to take-out boxes. me too, sir. me too. but it was tasty. and i didn’t even feel guilty.

i don’t worry over shit anymore. i’m learning to let things go again. i’m learning to take things in stride again. i’m learning to laugh more again. i’m ME again. for a few months, i didn’t laugh a whole lot. i think it was mostly because i was too tense trying to making sure caylin was happy and tended to. like, if i stopped for a moment to relax, i was doing something wrong. i quickly learned when caylin was born that it’s just easier when she is on a schedule, so i put myself on her schedule. and sometimes being too regimented is just NOT good. for anyone. instead of making things easier, it was stressing me out when i didn’t have everything JUST SO by a certain time. and i feel that rolling off me day by day, a little bit at a time. especially in the past month. she is able to stay up longer. she is able to entertain herself for periods of time.

i feel so much more at ease. finally. next step–new house. new town. new chapter of our lives. i am stoked.