last weekend was the ASU gaming club’s last AppalachLAN of the semester. for those of you who haven’t known me for a while, i was an active member of the gaming club through most of college. whether it was attending the LANs, helping market them, or being the VP of the club. those were, without a doubt, some of the best times i ever had. so they had a “reunion tour” for us “old folks” who hadn’t been able to go to one in a while, and we had a surprisingly good alumni turnout. members of both gaming club and the old tech. support crew (where i worked all through college) made appearances. unfortunately, brett and i were MIA for most of the LAN. not complaining, though, as any excuse to run around boone with him is fine by me.

despite the fact that it was a LAN party, i decided to go sans computer this time. not only did i need a mental break from the damned computer, but i’ve been having some serious rib pain/burning going on the last few weeks. long periods of sitting down make it hurt much worse. after i eat, it’s intensified x2. and when i lean back in my chair to alleviate the rib pain or stand up for too long, my back pain comes back. the only time i’m comfy is when i’m lying flat on my back or walking/moving around, and extra strength tylenol does absolutely nothing, so that’s what brett and i did for most of the LAN. we popped in every so often to say hi to everyone and then we’d disappear with danielle (she and paul, her husband, came up with us) to walk around boone and get our macado’s fix. the exercise was nice and the weather was beautiful.

every night was spent playing trivial pursuit and drinking back at the cabin. they drank. i watched. after almost 6 months of this, i no longer have any feelings of jealousy about being left out of the party. it reminds me of my pre-college days when i was 100% anti-alcohol, and more than happy to be entertained by drunk friends. like brett talking about lemurs being part of the fur trade. trivial pursuit paves the way for awesome conversations, whether you play it the way you’re supposed to or not.

on the subject of baby news, i’ve given up hope on buying maternity clothes just yet because the target and kohl’s around here have sucky selections (talk about FUGLY), and i refuse to pay full price for *any* clothing ever. so i’ve resorted to buying weird baggy shirts/sweaters/skirts and making myself feel better about it by buying delicious BUT diet ice cream sandwiches. pregnancy is not an excuse to eat more. i don’t understand why some women think they are eating for two, and then wonder why they can’t ever get rid of the baby weight. i’ve been eating better food more often (trying to, at least, which is what i should be doing every day regardless of being knocked up), milk and OJ, no caffeine (an occasional coke every couple weeks), and vitamins. and the aforementioned ice cream.

i’m finally showing, but most people still don’t know i’m pregnant at first glance. lucky for me, my chest sticks out far enough to compensate for any kind of bump and a baggy shirt shows nothing at all until the wind blows. so instead, i just feel self conscious, because unknowing people probably think i just drink too much beer. this middle stage is driving me crazy. i’m 24 weeks pregnant and i haven’t even gained 10 pounds, but when you’re 4’11″ even that much makes a difference.

suffice to say, i can’t wait to have this baby out of me. and a shot of whiskey.

happy cinco de mayo and derby day. i may not be celebrating with a margarita, but we WILL be mexican-ing it up tonight with friends.

in other news, my mom is coming down to spend this weekend with us. several months ago, i bought us tickets to go see wicked. i haven’t read it, but the musical is supposed to be fantastic, so i’m excited. it’s been a while. the last musical we went to was CATS, and that was years ago. i’m long overdue.

and for whatever reason, i decided to give my resume a facelift after dinner. it feels good to have a fresh start. i only included things that don’t make me cringe when i look at them. i’ve been trying to keep myself more organized lately, and it felt necessary.

along the lines of organization, i started making weekly dinner menus. i’m sick of spending a ton of $ at the grocery store and then forgetting i bought something i had a craving for until i find it in the fridge a week later and have to throw it out. now i only find the 12 things i need, buy them, and i’m done. and there is no decision making involved. except which cookie dough to purchase.

the part about my ribs hurting is just me complaining more about this pregnancy. nothing different there. at some point in the middle of the night last night, i rolled over onto my stomach while i was sleeping, and was awoken by a sharp pain shooting right up my stomach through my side. i wish i could say i won’t make that mistake again, but something tells me it won’t be the last time.

i was trying to find something to wear this morning, and between the hormones and the fact that i haven’t done laundry in like 6 days, i wanted to kill something. i found a cute dress/tunic that i used to wear all the time and hadn’t worn in a while. i put it on with leggings and my black skate shoes. and then i looked in the mirror, and almost died. i just turned and looked at brett like… how stupid do i look? he said it looked fine, but i beg to differ. it looked okay until i turned sideways. i see plenty of pregnant women wearing tighter clothing and sporting the baby bump and they look great, but for whatever reason i still can’t get past mine.

brett went downstairs, i went back in my closet to change, and then i went downstairs. and then he rolled his eyes at me.

B: couldn’t stand it, huh?

me: dude. it bugs me. why can other pregnant women wear cute tight fitting clothing and pull it off? i look like a fucktard.

B: you don’t look like a fucktard. maybe just a retard.

i can feel the love.

maybe in another month.

since i’m not allowed to touch it (can harm the pregnancy evidently), brett did it for me using a plastic bag. he wrapped the pill in a piece of cheese. loki’s favorite. anything in cheese, really. inhaled it in less than a second!

and that was 4 hours ago. everything i read said that it would probably cause diarrhea, nausea, and would make her not want food. and i know it’s only her first one, but it’s definitely digested by now, so, no news is good news. and so far, all she’s done is beg for our dinner. and sit next to my chair with thor while they both whack me on the shoulder when i’m trying to work. normally somewhat annoying, but i’ll take annoying over sick any day!

i’m hoping that because of all the horrid things she’s eaten in her lifetime (a battery, my purse, flip flops, dip spit, cigarettes, sunglasses, birth control, my inhaler, the list goes on), her stomach has turned into that of a goat. impenetrable.

in other news, here is a picture of our new “nursery”. since we don’t have any baby stuff yet, it’s still set up as the guest room. just with dark gray walls now. the pictures make them look black, but i am going for this effect in the end. not goth baby.

i cried all afternoon except for the half hour we were out to dinner. i talked to my dad on the phone and that brought the tears back even more. after that i was about sick of talking about it and thinking about it. this whole ordeal has done nothing but stress me out and make me worry sick. over both loki’s health and the money involved. with a baby due in 4 months, i knew i couldn’t spend more money on her. or let the stress eat me up anymore. it meant i had to wait it out and just let the cancer run its course, hoping it wouldn’t put her in any pain for as long as possible.

and then my friend jenn suggested i ask for donations. it’s the internet after all, and plenty of people have done far greater things than save 1 girl’s dog. it’s amazing what can be done when that many people get together and just donate a small amount.

i figured if everyone i knew donated $1-$5, it would be a good start. and if i didn’t make enough, i would just give it all back. she needs the treatment for 6 months, so it was all or nothing.

i set up the donations on facebook at 10:00 last night, fingers crossed, with a link to my paypal account to donate money.

within an hour, loki had gotten $400. by 12:30, she had $700. i was floored. i woke up this morning to $1500. and when brett and i were at lunch, $2000.

to me, this is nothing short of a miracle. i never expected this much so soon. or at all. 49 people donated money, and the 49 of you might save loki’s life for real this time. besides brett, she has been my best friend. i have spoiled her rotten for 6 years, and i can’t imagine having to stop this soon. and now i might not have to.

i ordered her pills this afternoon

she was there for my wedding, and now she can be here when we have our first baby.

you guys are absolutely amazing, and loki and brett and i thank you. we are so blessed to have such good friends in our lives.

after about a day of thinking on it, we decided we’re naming her Caylin Corinne. Caylin because we think it’s pretty. Corinne after my cousin Corey.

after we found out it was a girl (and let it soak in a bit), i pretty much decided that this kid’s whole life (or at least the first part where it just lays there and can’t decide what its surroundings look like) is going to be decked out in rainbows, sparkles, and unicorns. i am in love with this nursery, so this weekend i went to home depot and bought dark gray paint. brett and i finished painting on sunday. this weekend has been reserved for touching up the areas we kind of uh, slipped up on. like all over the ceiling.

now to buy all the rainbows.

in other news, the amazing stacey lynn gave us our wedding photos. here are a few i snagged out of my facebook album.

aaand someday i will remember to post a few pictures of our honeymoon.

life feels like a whirlwind the past few months. since we’re having the baby, i traded my truck in for a 2011 jeep liberty. it was one of maybe 3 SUVs that i liked, and because loki is huge, brett is 6′forever, and now we’ll have a baby seat, an SUV was really my only option. but i really like the jeep. i’m getting used to it. and loki will get used to the trunk.

she had her first ride in the jeep yesterday. this week gave me a bit of a scare when the area where her tumor was removed started swelling again. because it’s a weird kind of cancer, it can change size and shape daily, so when it started swelling, it made me think it might be coming back again. so back to the vet we went. they couldn’t find anything, but the next time i feel anything i have to take her in immediately. i think i waited too long this time because the swelling had gone down again, so they couldn’t get a good sample. i want to keep telling myself she’s ok, because i can’t afford to dish out that kind of money on 8 more rounds of chemo. it’s just not possible.

and we decided to wait another year to buy a house. that way we have a year and a half to save up some more money. i still have to finish paying off loki’s chemotherapy (this is why i can’t afford it, i’m *still* paying for it) and my dental work, and i’d like to be debt free (minus the jeep) when we finally make that kind of a down payment. and ideally before the baby comes. so in a way, it was a huge load off my mind. one less thing to think about this year. not to mention we won’t be switching houses while toting around a newborn. i can’t imagine. more money going out, less money in our pockets, and the added stress of a brand new baby and a brand new lifestyle. i just don’t see a lot of good coming out of that.

my depression has been making the rounds the last month or 2, and i can feel it taking a toll on me. i knew it would happen, but wasn’t sure when. and apparently, the bigger the bump, the more the tears. and it’s only brought on stress. i’ve tried to not unload it all on brett. there have been nights when i’ve had to go upstairs and get it all out, pull myself back together, and curl up with loki on the couch for a few hours. but sometimes the only thing that can make you feel better is a pair of giant man arms around you. he has been nothing short of amazing through all of it. and he knows that a reese’s blast from sonic will cure damn near any bad mood.

which, actually, is another good reason we’re not moving yet. we’ll have a sonic across the street for another whole year.

we finally went back to NC this weekend to see our families, and we picked up the other half of our wedding gifts and guest books while we were there.

the following may or may not be disturbing, and is definitely not rated PG.

i will make a note of this. minus the part about the cabbage patch.

aaand the second book…

that one almost made me cry.

proof that these came from real life.

1. yes
2. yes
3. probably not…

i love you people. thank you for being part of our wedding day, and for being in my life

i’ve been to like 5 different dentists in NC and SC since i started this adventure. i didn’t like any of them. they were either mean or just uncooperative, and unwilling to help me. at least not to the extent that i needed. they’d do some fillings here and there, which have ended up looking like a patchwork on my teeth. half of the fillings from the first dentist failed or fell out because they were done incorrectly. this i learned just today from my new dentist. go figure.

what i’ve really wanted this entire time is either veneers or crowns. everyplace i’ve gone has quoted me at around $1500/tooth. that is just not something i can afford. especially not with all the money i’ve had to spend on loki in the last 4 months. and with a baby on the way, it’s even more insane. one dentist even tried to make sense of this ridiculous dollar amount by comparing less expensive/expensive veneers to a saturn and a ferrari… really? REALLY?

so i kept looking, unwilling to settle for someplace that made me anything less than comfortable. the place i went today… well, i didn’t expect much because i found it on google maps. no website, just a phone number and a dentist’s name. so i called and made an appointment, and crossed my fingers.

best decision i ever made.

during my appointment, the dentist told me that she feels too old fashioned to have a website, and that her work, her team, and recommendations should stand out enough to keep them in business. and i guess that’s worked wonders because this is THE fanciest, cleanest, KINDEST, most awesome dentist office i’ve ever visited in my life. i couldn’t believe it. the receptionists were doting on me, the dental assistants were just the most fun people to be around and talked about all kinds of random stuff, everyone shook my hand, and the dentist was the first dentist that i’ve had that didn’t talk down to me like i was a 12 year old. to top it off, they all kept telling me that i’m pretty. i mean, you have your hands all in my mouth and my face is contorted. but still… they appreciate their patients. phenomenal.

after all was said and done, they took videos and molds of my mouth. i’m going to get 3 veneers and 3 crowns on my 6 front teeth. they’re going to do it all in my next 2 visits. prep work and temporary veneers/crowns will stay in for 3 weeks, and then the real ones go on. i opened up a care credit program to help finance half of what it’s going to cost. it’s going to be expensive (like i knew it would be), but far less than what i had calculated (almost half) with the other dentists i’d gotten quotes from. it ends up being around $840 a tooth after all is said and done, and they’re doing free whitening on the rest of my teeth (another $850 that i won’t have to pay for).

this time around, i have more money saved up for it, and have been busy paying off loki bills and doing a lot of refinancing (car, credit card) because i KNEW i wanted to get this done, and soon. it’s been killing me. i barely smiled in our wedding photos, which makes me HATE myself for not doing this sooner. but it just wasn’t in the cards back then.

i can already feel my confidence slowly coming back. this is actually going to happen this time.

and then it dawned on me. for the first time in my life, i have no goals. well, none other than getting this baby out of me in the next 6 months.

something that (i feel like) should be such a relief… suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.

when i was younger, these were the goals i set for myself:

• go to college
• graduate from college with a computer degree
• get my RHCE and keep climbing the red hat ladder
• get a job where i get to be a happy nerd
• marry my best friend
• if all goes right, make babies, later… much later

besides the fact that the whole baby thing came a BIT earlier than expected, whatever.

i’ve done everything i set out to accomplish. and 3 of them happened within the last 6 months.

before august, i was still on the road that i was slowly figuring out for myself. i knew brett and i were getting married, but it was (originally) over a year away. i was in a job that i hated, so i had something to pursue in that regard. i wanted out, and that was something i could make happen.

but it all happened so fast that i haven’t really had time to think about what else i want to do in my life.

i guess this is one of those awesome moments where i should be totally elated that i have accomplished all that i set out to do, but at the same time it leaves me with the question hanging over my head like… now what?

i’m scheduled to take a red hat security exam in june, which will start paving the way towards the RHCA that i’ve had my eye on since i finally tackled the RHCE. but now i don’t even know how doable all that will be once i become a mom with an undoubtedly much more strict budget.

realistically, i will have to push all that out a ways. so realistically, here are my next set of goals for the next… however long it takes to get there:

• take the red hat security exam in june
• have this baby
• move into a house as soon as we’re financially able
• learn to raise said baby

not knowing what comes with having a baby, i’m pretty sure this list is all that i’ll be able to handle for a while.

this past week was SPARC’s second mobile hackathon. the first one was a 1-day hackathon with dozens of teams, sponsors, prizes, food… it was fantastic. it was my second time writing an android application, and it was about 10 hours of straight coding. it was exhausting and hard and fun and awesome and absolutely insane. i learned a lot, and that (to me) was the goal behind entering in the first place.

this one was much different. same end goal (develop a mobile app with a team of 1-3 persons), smaller number of participants, and instead of 1 day, we had a week to complete it.

so today was judgement day. today is when all our hard work paid off, and everyone got to show off their amazing accomplishments. the amount of talent that was in that room today was absolutely off the charts. the same thing can be said for the whole company on a daily basis. i can honestly say that there isn’t a single person working in that building that doesn’t bring something impressive to the table, and everyone is just a little bit weird.

in addition, people volunteered to bring food, beer, grill out, and have a good time. if there is ever a chance to throw a party, SPARC will gladly accept. you will never be let down. you may have a hell of a hangover, but you will never be let down. (no, i did not drink. but everyone else did so i partied vicariously through them. and ate lots of cookies.)

i can think of few companies that encourage such entrepreneurial spirits in their employees. not only do they give us the tools to be better at our jobs, but they give us the tools AND the extra push to try things that we may not have had a chance to try before. for a lot of people, this week was their first time trying out mobile development, and not a single person came away from this experience empty handed. the skills we all learned were motivation enough to enter (plus it’s just plain fun competition), but the prizes, food, and the friendly get-together were the icing on the cake–something SPARC is never lacking.

i only have one other work experience in my life where within the first few weeks, i felt like family, and felt comfortable, and that was when i worked for tech. support in college. i never thought i’d find another job i loved as much as i loved that one, and i’m thrilled to be able to say that i love going to work every day again. i might not love getting out of bed, but i love getting to work and being in an environment that thrives on its geek addictions.

so to everyone at SPARC that reads this, thank you for everything you do for all of us. the past 6 months have been a whirlwind of nerdy awesomeness that i never expected to just fall into the way i did. i look forward to the next big hackathon and can’t wait to see where this company takes us.

thanksgiving and christmas were hectic, as always, but this christmas was especially interesting, because the week before christmas brett and i found out we were pregnant.

and as you probably know, the wedding was going to be in september. but because i didn’t want to have the wedding near the end of or right after the pregnancy, we bumped the wedding up to… 8 days from today. since i’m only 8 and a half weeks pregnant, i won’t be showing my wedding gown. YAY.

and now that the wedding is in january, that left me with little time to prepare for all of this. i magically organized the whole wedding in less than 2 weeks, which i’m glad i did, but now i keep trying to think of things i might have missed. which i’m sure i have.

i guess in the end, as long as the food shows up, people get their booze and cake, and my dress fits, we’re good to go.

then there’s the honeymoon. since neither of us were expecting any of this, we were extremely lucky to be able to take off work for everything. that is a miracle in itself. we’ll be at disney world the entire week after the wedding, and i could not be happier about this. there is NO way anyone can go to disney world and NOT have fun. i have been hard at work making reservations… psyched.

i told myself i wouldn’t be doing any website work from now until we get back from the honeymoon, and i’m so glad i did that. i think i would’ve lost my mind had i tried, because my company decided to have another mobile app hackathon this month. specifically this week. so in addition to work, i’ve been waist deep in java for the last 5 days, and i can’t seem to get away from intellij even if it’s just to eat my lunch.

so not only are we a week away from the wedding, but we also had our first ultrasound yesterday. i left for the doctor appointment irritated at a nullpointerexception i couldn’t fix in time. let’s just say… i forgot about it. quickly. i can now say with 100% confidence that there is a tiny human in there and its heartbeat lit up the monitor like a little firefly. i guess i forgot about the part where this is actually a really emotional experience and my eyes started welling up instantly. i was able to hold it back, but my whole body was shaking and my heartbeat felt like it tripled.

it’s wild how quickly things can change, and i know people say that all the time. but i guess this is just my first time experiencing just how drastic those changes can be.

2 months ago, i was picturing getting drunk with brett at our wedding and partying our asses off at pleasure island. now all i can think about is how i need to do everything i can not to screw this baby up. and what happens after that? and now we need a nursery. and we have to have a baby shower. and at some point i have to become okay with diapers and the stuff that goes in them. and i’ll probably have to trade my truck in at some point before i’m due. i still have a red hat security exam in june. depending on how all this works out, that may or may not have to be cancelled.

there is just so much to do now that i never would have thought about. all i know is that i’m happy and terrified at the same time, and we’ll see where this all takes us.