Show and Tell

An Open Letter to Angelina: Welcome to the Sisterhood

Stephanie Wood — Tue, 14 May 2013 16:44:46 GMT

Dear Angelina,

Welcome to the sisterhood. The exclusive club of one in eight women who will get breast cancer in their lifetime, according to the National Cancer Institute. Only now you probably won’t, and I can tell you a little of what you’re missing out on.

I’ve been a card carrying member since 2008, complete with a Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center ID tucked in my wallet. Just last week I graduated from six-month visits with my breast surgeon to the MSKCC “survivorship” program, my annual MRIs downgraded to ultrasounds. Tomorrow I see my oncologist, who with any luck will reduce her demands on my time as well. It’s a weird feeling. Liberating to see the non-stop medical tests and appointments winding down, but it’s also like being forced out of a cozy nest of support: Is this really it? Am I ready? What if we miss something?

I too have children, three of them to be exact, including a teenage daughter who will have to deal with this legacy in the not too distant future. I had my genetic testing after the fact. Unlike you I did not carry the BRCA gene or have any close family history of breast cancer. Just the bad luck to become a statistic in my 40s, a few decades ahead of the norm. I don’t carry much of a risk of recurrence, but once you have cancer, every little bump or ache is more than a bump or ache. Knowing what that’s like to live with now, I would have opted for a double mastectomy like you instead of the “single” that was encouraged at the time.

Plus: I Am Angelina Jolie

My daughter will someday face the same decision you just made, as will your Shiloh and Vivienne. According to my geneticist, my early-age diagnosis, coupled with the fact that my daughter has a paternal aunt who also had breast cancer at an even younger age than I did (in her mid-30s), and that we have a history of related prostate cancer on both sides of our families, makes her much more vulnerable than I was. I don’t know her exact odds. I was honestly just too afraid to ask at the time. But I do know that for her, the testing will begin in her mid 20s, at an age when she should be building a career, falling in love, and living a fun, fearless life instead of worrying about serious illness.

But here’s the good stuff we’ve given our daughters (and sons): Strong role models. You did the right thing, Angelina, confronting your destiny and stomping it out. I would have done the very same if I had the choice. And I will encourage my daughter to do so if her odds turn out to be equally daunting. You are also correct that we are not any less feminine with reconstructed breasts. Feminine today means strong and smart, not wimpy or passive. Women like you and I don’t wait for life to happen to us. It was a drastic step to be sure, but a beautiful gift you’ve given your family.

Of course it will be both lauded and debated. Right now the Twitterverse is exploding with quips on the cost, the controversy over whether BRCA testing is necessary, the concerns over potentially unnecessary surgery. This judging is way out of line. Cancer is damn scary. Only when confronted with our own individual vulnerability can we truly say what is the best decision for us as both women and mothers. Cancer treatment certainly takes its toll as well. In addition to the surgery you had, there is radiation and chemo and tamoxifen and early menopause. The change in our breasts is in fact but a small part of the havoc wreaked on the rest of our bodies. Yes, you went through a lot the past few months, but trust me, it could have been worse.

Plus: Meet 10 Awesome Moms With Cancer

My kids occasionally still ask about my cancer, usually when they hear about a friend whose parent has been diagnosed, or heartbreakingly, a child in our community who has it in some form or another. They’re tweens and teens now and can understand some of the medical explanation I provide in a valiant attempt to reassure them that my situation is different from whichever scary story they’re hearing. But the strongest proof of our ability to conquer cancer is me standing at the kitchen counter, me going out the door to work at the same time they go to school, me next to them on the sofa rooting for contestants on The Voice. Just being a normal mom, living a normal life. For you and me and our families, that’s powerful stuff.

I’m sorry this had to happen to you too, Angelina, but I am also grateful that you will use your voice and your resources to bring breast cancer prevention and treatment to many less fortunate. As they say, God works in mysterious ways, and this seems like a smart move on his or her part. Bravo, mama, bravo.

I Am Angelina Jolie

Deborah Skolnik — Tue, 14 May 2013 16:04:45 GMT

What if you needed to cut off a piece of your body to save your life? Tough choice. What if you were a gorgeous movie star whose career hinged on your beauty—and the body part in question was your breasts? Tougher still. And yet, if you're as brave as Angelina Jolie, you do it.

The A-lister recently found out she has BRCA-1, a gene that gave her an 87 percent risk of breast cancer and also 50-50 odds of ovarian cancer. Experts say the odds vary from woman to woman with the gene. Tough as it may be, Angelina did the right thing. A double mastectomy is a damn tough operation, but you can get over it and feel like a woman again. I know, because, sadly, this surgery is about the only thing I have in common with Angie.

In 2009 a routine mammogram revealed cancer in my left breast. For safety's sake, I opted for a double mastectomy. Breast cancer unfortunately runs in my family—my mom is a survivor, and my younger sister, Emily, was at the time struggling with it too.

Plus: An Open Letter To Angelina

I remember, in the days leading up to my surgery, sitting beside healthy co-workers and silently praying to God to let us swap bodies. On the drive to the hospital, I fought a wild urge to leap out of the moving car and run away. If I'd known exactly what would be waiting at the hospital for me, I probably would have. Shortly before the operation, a technologist made me sign a form acknowledging I was about to become radioactive. Then he took a long needle and injected nuclear-tinged fluid into my nipples. My knees buckled from my fright and the sting. I should've stood my ground, because there was a lot more awfulness to come.

The weeks following the operation were a blur of fatigue and pain. I shuffled around my house in a bathrobe, nodding off as suddenly as a narcoleptic, peeing in my bed while unconscious from painkillers, unable to raise my throbbing arms more than a few inches. Plastic tubes had been tucked into slits in my armpits—bloody yellow fluid would collect in bulbs at the end; I'd drain the oozy muck daily with my husband's help.

Doesn't sound Angelina-like, does it? Yet she must have done this stuff too. I don't think you get off any easier for being famous.

Physical therapy visits entailed trying to lift single-pound weights; I was the editor-writer who suddenly couldn't grasp a pen or hold a book. I lost 15 pounds, and at least a pound of it was tears of discomfort and frustration.

Once my breasts were reconstructed (a whole separate uncomfortable surgery) I could no longer feel them—true still, 4 years later. I had re-learn my physical geography. For weeks I'd slam my new, numb chest against tables and into doors. I no longer knew where I started and ended.

Angelina has said she had her double mastectomy so her kids wouldn't lose their mother. That's another thing she and I have in common. Once, when my then-5-year-old daughter was in the bath, she asked me to toss her a cup she wanted to play with. I still hadn't fully learned how my new body worked, so I threw it too hard and hit her on the head. Angry and frustrated, I was the one who collapsed into to tears, but at least I was still there. I was still her mommy.

Plus: Meet 10 Awesome Moms With Cancer

And then, in the midst of this, my younger sister, Emily, died. In late March of 2009, she went into convulsions from metastatic tumors that had ravaged her Phi-Beta-Kappa-award-winning brain. She was unconscious for 9 days, then passed at midnight in a hospital room, age 37. We'd all been around her bedside that afternoon, and she'd briefly opened her eyes as we'd said our daily goodbye. But no one was there when she drew that final tortured breath, a fact that haunts us still.

Yet somehow, in watching her pass away, I remembered to be so grateful for my own life again. Sure, I had scars, but my cancer had been caught early, before it spread. That summer, I felt I lived for us both. The flowers bloomed brighter; the sky was bluer; every bird seemed like it was singing just for me. My husband still loved me, my daughters were growing by the day. Everything seemed so much more vivid.

I still live like that - extra-appreciative for every day. Most days I don't even remember my double mastectomy unless someone asks. I never think about how I can't feel my chest.

I've figured out I didn't end. I figured out how to start again.

From Go-Getter to Glamour Girl: Merida Makeover Sparks Controversy

Leonora Desar — Tue, 14 May 2013 15:42:01 GMT

Brave heroine Merida’s transformation from spunky tomboy to sleek, sexy vixen has sparked outrage among fans, who are demanding that Disney change her back.

The original Merida had round, flushed cheeks, slightly frizzy hair and a spot-on aim with her bow and arrow. Before being crowed as Disney’s 11^th official princess, the revamped Merida stepped out of her plain, comfy dress and into a sparkly blue and gold gown. She was also given polished waves, chiseled features, and a pinched, itty-bitty waist.

Brenda Chapman, Brave’s writer and co-director, had said in an earlier interview with Pixar Portal that her aim was to offer “a stronger princess that both mothers and daughters could relate to, so mothers wouldn't be pulling their hair out when their little girls were trying to dress or act like this princess.”

Plus: What it Means to be a Princess

She told her local newspaper the Marin Independent Journal that she finds the transformation of her heroine “atrocious.”

“When little girls say they like it because it's more sparkly, that's all fine and good but, subconsciously, they are soaking in the sexy 'come hither' look and the skinny aspect of the new version,” she says. “It's horrible! Merida was created to break that mold — to give young girls a better, stronger role model, a more attainable role model, something of substance, not just a pretty face that waits around for romance."

She’s not the only one who thinks so. The girl empowerment website A Mighty Girl launched a petition imploring Walt Disney’s chairman and chief executive Robert A. Iger to keep Merida as a “strong, confident, self-rescuing princess ready to set off on her next adventure with her bow at the ready.” The petition has reached over 100,000 signers.

Plus: My Daughter Wants to be a Boy!

In their official statement to Yahoo! Shine, Disney didn’t speak to the reasons behind the makeover: “Merida exemplifies what it means to be a Disney Princess through being brave, passionate, and confident and she remains the same strong and determined Merida from the movie whose inner qualities have inspired moms and daughters around the world.”

Do you think that Disney should bring back the original Merida, or do you prefer the made-over version? Leave a comment and let us know.

Join Our #momcongress Twitter Party With the UN's Shot@Life

Parenting.com — Mon, 13 May 2013 17:42:28 GMT

Join us on Twitter Tuesday, May 14 at 8:00pm EST for a discussion with the UN Foundation's Shot@Life on parenting milestones. Three winners will each receive a $100 donation in their name to the organization, giving five kids a lifetime of immunity to protect them from pneumonia, diarrhea, polio, and measles.

Who's participating?

Parenting editors: @Parenting
Shot@Life: @Shotatlife
Parents like you!

Twitter party hashtag: #momcongress

RSVP for the Twitter party here

Read the official rules here

See you there!

Study: Flu During Pregnancy Increases Baby's Risk of Bipolar Disorder

Elina Bolokhova — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:19:56 GMT

New research shows that if a woman develops the flu at any time during her pregnancy, her child has an increased risk of developing bipolar disorder later in life. According to the results of the study, there is nearly a four-fold increase in the risk of bipolar disorder after fetal exposure to maternal influenza.

This surprising data suggests that viruses may be the cause of certain psychiatric disorders. Lead study author Alan Brown has also worked on previous research that points to the risk of schizophrenia increasing when a baby is exposed to the flu virus in the womb.

The authors did note that women who had influenza during pregnancy were also significantly more likely to have a history of a psychiatric disorder. But after adjusting for this variable, the association between the mother’s gestational influenza and the child’s increased risk for bipolar disorder remained constant.

Plus: 30+ Smart Ways To Outsmart The Flu

Still, the study does not recommend getting a flu shot during pregnancy. Researches believe that the influenza vaccine activates an immune response that leads to altered brain development of the fetus. This is worrisome news in the wake of the worst flu season in memory.

The flu virus is typically transferred from one’s hands to the nose or mouth. To keep the flu away, we recommend these germ-fighting tips:

Scrub away germs: wash hands for two rounds of "Happy Birthday", but also make sure the hands good and sudsy, too; friction is what scrubs away the germs.
Use hand sanitizer when a sink's not around, but read the label carefully: An effective hand sanitizer needs to have at least 60 percent alcohol to kill bugs, says Philip Tierno, Ph.D., an associate professor of microbiology and pathology at New York University.
Spot-clean germ hotspots "It's not dirt that you are looking for, it's germs," says Tierno. "Paying attention to the high-traffic areas where germs linger, like countertops, phones, and doorknobs, is more important." This also includes wiping down the cart handle at the grocery store, using your own pen when signing receipts or checks while shopping, and bringing toys if you take your kids to the doctor – an office full of sick kids have already touched the ones there.
Wipes are super convenient, but they can also transfer bacteria from one surface to another. Use each wipe on only one surface, and then toss it.

For more tips on flu prevention, see our cold and flu guide.

Did you have the flu while you were pregnant? Leave a comment and let us know.

Survey: Dads Stress Out Moms More Than Kids

Leonora Desar — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:41:44 GMT

Do you feel that your hubby is an equal, or does he wear you out more than the children? According to a new survey, many moms find that their husbands are more like big kids than mature, responsible partners.

“Often times it seems like I am the only adult in my house,” reports one anonymous mama. “My husband and daughter compete with me for my attention.”

Plus: Mad at Dad

“I am exhausted emotionally and physically when my husband comes home,” says another. “He feels like another job.”

TODAY surveyed over 7,000 women across the country, and found that the typical mom says her level of stress is an 8.5 on a 10-point scale. 46 percent of women blame their husbands as the biggest reason why.

“Moms think, my primary job is to be a mom, so she looks to her husband to be a support,” Hal Runkel, a therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting and ScreamFree Marriage, told TODAY. “But when dads get relegated to a support role, they’re less likely to be the equal partners that moms say they want.”

As for fathers, they feel like they’re picking up more than their fair share. In a 2012 survey of 1,500 dads, TODAY found that most just want a little bit of appreciation.

Plus: Stress Makeovers

“I'd rate myself as a good, but imperfect parent,” says one husband. “ My spouse would probably see me as an OK parent, and stress the imperfection more.”

According to Charles Sophy, a child and adult psychiatrist and director of the L.A. Department of Children and Family Services, dads need that pat on the back for their efforts.

“If you want him to change four more diapers, you better applaud at some level," he tells TODAY.

Does your hubby do his fair share, or are you always picking up the slack? Leave a comment and let us know.

Survey: Risky Labor Interventions are Too Common

Leonora Desar — Fri, 10 May 2013 16:48:25 GMT

According to a new survey, major labor interventions like C-sections are being used excessively on healthy women, who are not informed enough to advocate for themselves.

The survey report, Listening to Mother’s III, questioned 2,400 moms who gave birth in hospitals around the country. Only one in eight women reported not having procedures such as labor induction or speeded delivery. A quarter of the women received three or more of five serious interventions.

Plus: Owning Your C-Section

The majority of moms surveyed did not have the correct knowledge about what would put them at risk for needing these potentially dangerous procedures. One in four reported being pressured by caregivers to receive an intervention.

“Pressure to have unwanted procedures, a lack of awareness about their downsides, and unqualified trust in health care providers are a potent combination, making women and their babies vulnerable to poor quality care,” Maureen Corry, the executive director of Childbirth Connection, told The Lund Report.

“Women urgently need access to publicly reported performance measures of health care providers and hospitals, and decision-making tools to help them choose safe, effective care that reflects their values and preferences.”

Many of the surveyed women also did not receive help like continuous doula care and support for depression and smoking cessation. Numerous moms who had already had C-sections and wanted vaginal births said that their hospital or maternity care provider refused.

Plus: Easing the Pain of Induced Lab

“Underused maternity practices tend to be non-invasive, pose few if any risks, and use relatively few resources,” Dr. Eugene Declercq, the survey’s lead investigator, told The Lund Report. “They offer many opportunities to improve the quality, outcomes and cost of maternity care, with benefits for mothers and babies, and those who pay for their care.”

Have you ever been pressured to receive an unwanted maternity procedure? Leave a comment and let us know.

Video: In 'The First Taste' Kids React To Trying New Foods

Brian Braiker — Fri, 10 May 2013 15:17:49 GMT

Disgust. Revulsion. Surprise. Ecstasy.

Trying a food for the first time can be fraught with feeling. Even more so when you're barely out of diapers. Fortunately for us, the littlest kids broadcast every singly micro-emotion right across their tiny faces.

In a new video that was produced as light entertainment for TEDxSydney conference goers in Australia, The First Taste captures in ultra-slow motion the completely unfiltered reactions of a group of children trying decidedly grown-up foods for the first time.

Turns out you haven't lived until you've seen a small child take her first bite of olive or gherkin.

Plus: 7 Picky Eater Solutions

Matt Gilmour, creative director at marketing agency Saatchi & Saatchi, came up with the idea, he says, when his 2-year-old daughter, was appalled by her first taste of pickle.

Watch the adorable video below and let us know what foods got the best first-taste reaction out of your kids.

Survey: A Majority Of Moms Lie To Their Kids

Christina Vercelletto — Fri, 10 May 2013 14:52:19 GMT

Last month, Parenting joined forces with HLN’s Raising America with Kyra Phillips for an uncensored look at moms' most revealing confessions. Together, we surveyed over 1,000 readers, viewers and social media fans from around the country to get the scoop on how they really feel about parenthood.

As a mom who occasionally (OK, often) massages the truth with her kids, I found two of the resulting statistics—what’s the word? Surprising? Nah. More like reassuring.

A lot of moms fib to their kids. Three-quarters admitted to lying to get out of something they just couldn’t deal with (like saying they couldn’t stop at the toy store because it was closed).

Plus: Why Women Lie To Their Kids

Even more—82 percent—copped to saying “maybe” to get a relentless kid to back off when they had zero intention of acquiescing. Now, to you remaining 18 percent: Really? You’ve never done this, even once? Maybe you didn’t understand the question, so here’s an example: Your kid says “Pleeeeeeze can we go to the beach on Saturday?” You have a hair appointment on Saturday, plus your in-laws are coming for dinner. There is no way you are going to any beach. But saying no will spark 57 rounds of “But why NOT?!”

So you say “maybe,” and play the 50/50 odds he’ll forget when Saturday rolls around.

Still doesn’t sound familiar?

Wow. The legions of parents through the decades who’ve said “If you do that one more time, I am turning this car right around!” salute you.

When my firstborn was two or three, he started asking “What’s that?” when he heard the ice cream truck. I flatly answered “The purveyor of frozen confections.” This worked until he was nearly six, a fact I am still proud of years later. I had avoided buying messy, overpriced ice pops for three years, without technically telling a lie.

Plus: When Lying To Your Child is Acceptable

Yet the reactions of folks I tell this story to does make me wonder: was that wrong? It didn’t feel wrong, though I admit I was intentionally misleading him. Is that the same thing as a lie? Could little daily fudges really have a negative impact on my kid?

Turns out they can. To what degree depends on the age of the child, the reason you do it, how often you do it. But in general, these tricky little sidesteps are a lost opportunity for your child to experience so-called "positive" stress: stress that’s short term and happening in a supportive environment.

Why does that matter? “Positive stress is how children learn coping skills and frustration tolerance,” says Rahil D. Briggs, Psy.D., Director of Pediatric Behavioral Health Services at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, NY. “This daily cycle of mild ruptures and repairs is a critical building block for healthy social emotional development.”

And—sigh, we knew this deep down, didn’t we?—when we don’t tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, there’s always the chance that our child’s trust in us is being eroded. “While not so critical with a trip to the beach, children are generalizers,” says Dr. Briggs. “They’re quick to apply a lesson learned in one area to many others, whether there is any similarity or not.”

What do you think? Are gray-area answers like these flat-out lies and therefore wrong? Or are they hard to avoid if you’re a mom who likes sanity, and no big deal?

We'll explore a new topic--from breastfeeding to spanking to money and sex--everyday this week here on Parenting.com, but be sure to tune into Raising America (check local TV listings) daily for even more juicy revelations from our survey! Click here for the full results of the survey. Click here to make your own confession!

Top Baby Names of 2012 Revealed

Caroline Hallemann — Thu, 09 May 2013 21:22:53 GMT

From The Chronicles of Narnia to Game of Thrones, fantasy film and fiction appear to be big influencers when it comes to how we name our kids.

The Social Security Administration announced the official list of the most popular baby names of 2012 on their website this afternoon. The organization compiles the list each year from Social Security card applications for births in the United States.

This year both the top spots went to repeat winners. Sophia was the most popular baby girl name for the second year in a row, and Jacob continued its 14-year streak as the most popular baby name for boys.

Mason, a name popularized by Kourtney Kardashian when she became a mother, holds steady at the second spot on the boy list. In fact, The rest of the top 10 lists stayed primarily the same, with two exceptions. Classic favorite Elizabeth moved from 11th to 10th most popular girl name, ousting Chloe for a spot on the list, and Liam shot to the 6th most popular boy's name from 15 last year, edging ahead of Daniel.

Plus: Search Our Database of Top (And Not-So-Top) Baby Names and Their Meanings

A statement from the Social Security Administration attributes Liam’s rise to the popularity of actor Liam Neeson. “Perhaps Liam’s new found success can be attributed to Liam Neeson’s recent major roles in Battleship and the popular Taken, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Clash of the Titans franchises,” they said.

Arya, the fastest riser on this girls list this year – going from spot 711 to 413 – is very likely a nod to the fierce swordfighter Arya Stark on the popular HBO series Game of Thrones.

Names that might come with high expectations – and potentially large egos – like Messiah and King zoomed up the list this year. But fastest rising boy name, Major (up to 483 from 988), sounds like a nod to the military.

Plus: Test Baby Names In Different Fonts

Other rapidly moving names include Gael (408 to 146) and Perla (642 to 452). The increased popularity of these two traditional Spanish names hints at the increasing Hispanic-American makeup of the population.

Top Baby Names of 2012:

Boys

1.     Jacob
2.     Mason
3.     Ethan
4.     Noah
5.     William

Girls

1.     Sophia
2.     Emma
3.     Isabella
4.     Olivia
5.     Ava

Click here for the full lists of top names from 2012, then tell us your favorites!

Tiger Moms Lose their Stripes

Laura Anastasia — Thu, 09 May 2013 20:56:43 GMT

Attention tiger moms: It’s time to roar less and cheer more. The low-affection, high-discipline so-called “tiger” parenting style that gained so much attention in 2011 may actually hurt kids, according to a new study.

Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that teens in tiger families had lower academic achievement, higher instances of depression, and felt more alienated from their parents than kids who were raised in more supportive environments.

The 8-year-long study, led by Su Yeong Kim, Ph.D., assistant professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas at Austin, tracked four Asian American parenting styles, including the tiger method heralded in the 2011 book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The headline-grabbing book reinforced the stereotype that Asian Americans’ demanding parenting produces star achievers.

Plus: Parenting Styles from Around the World

The new study found just the opposite. The teens with the best developmental outcomes were raised with a supportive parenting style, Kim tells Parenting.com. “Supportive parents are warm and open to negotiation and communication,” Kim says. “They monitor the child’s behavior and use reasoning to discipline.”

And it pays off — those kids had the best academic performance, the highest educational attainment, the lowest psychological stress and the closest parent-child relationships, according to the study.

Plus: 8 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make

Other parenting styles had mixed results. Teens with tiger parents and more laissez-faire parents had about the same results. Kids raised in a harsh parenting style — high coercion with less responsiveness — fared the worst. How would you describe your parenting style? Let us know.

Parents Reveal How Often They Have Sex In Exclusive Poll

Thu, 09 May 2013 20:32:45 GMT

Confession: I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had sex. Did we do it on our past date night? Nope. On our recent vacation to Cancun? Not even then. The reason for this drought is our two-year-old daughter, who’s drained our libidos like a tiny vampire in pigtails. And a new survey reveals we’re hardly the only parents whose love life is on life support.

Parenting recently teamed up with HLN’s Raising America with Kyra Phillips to poll moms and dads about what their lives are really like, and more than 1,000 men and women spilled some startlingly frank details about what they’re doing (or, rather, not doing) in bed. While 45 perncent of respondents said they have sex with their partner once or twice a week, 30 percent only get it on once or twice a month. 10 percent do the deed less than once a month, while 15 percent said, “Sex? What’s that?”

Couples may claim they’re “too busy” or “too tired” to make the bedsprings sing, but if you delve beneath this too-few-hours-in-a-day excuse, it’s a more complicated story. “What these stats say to me is that couples don’t prioritize sex, or aren’t sure how to prioritize sex, in the onslaught of new responsibilities and roles as parents,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Sex Recharge: A Rejuvenation Plan for Couples and Singles. “They fall into the category of ‘wanting to want sex’ but not wanting it.”

Plus: Rekindling Your Sex Life After Baby

Part of the problem may be simmering resentment: In our survey, 30 percent of respondents complained their partners don’t pull their weight at home, with the majority wishing for more help with housework. “Women especially like to feel like they are part of a team sharing the household chores with their partner,” says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. “When husbands or boyfriends don’t share in the household tasks—no matter what they do outside the home—many women report this isn’t fair, and they become unhappy in the marriage.”

Another 66% of respondents flat-out say that their relationship with their kids is “more important” than their relationship with their partner. But experts warn that parents who put romance on hold for their children’s sakes aren’t doing them any favors. “We all want happy children, but happy children need happy parents, and happy parents are loving and connected and still make the most of their relationship,” points out Kerner. “Parents who want the best for their kids need to be a little selfish, and the benefits trickle down from there.”

While sex might seem like one of the more dispensable tasks on parents’ to-do lists, not having it can eventually drive couples apart. According to our poll, 6 percent of respondents have admitted to an affair, and an additional 18 percent have thought about straying. “I think it’s natural to have these thoughts,” says Kerner. “Especially when you’re a new parent, it’s easy to feel neglected and taken for granted. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you still don’t need love, attention and affection. But it can be a slippery slope.”

So if your love life is limping along, there are a few things you can do to step it up. For starters, place sex higher up on the pecking order, and one way to make this goal attainable is to lower the bar on quality control. “Don’t feel like you need to plan a date night and set aside two hours,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., relationship therapist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “If all you have time for is a quickie, even that can bring you closer.”

Another tactic is to see sex as akin to going to the gym: Getting started is the hardest part. “There’s often a need to take a ‘try it, you’ll like it’ approach to sex—putting your body through the motions and trusting that the mind will follow,” says Kerner.

Plus: 5 Rules For a Satisfying Sex Life

It’s so true: the last time my husband and I stripped down (whenever it was), I remember thinking, “Man, I’m glad I did that!” And not just in a thank-god-it’s-over way. In spite of the fact that it put me a bit behind schedule, I actually felt calmer and less stressed. My husband came home and cooked dinner with a smile, rather than harrumph off to the bar with his buddies. So the next time I’m tempted to say, “Not tonight, honey,” I will instead try to warm up to the idea. Sex may take some effort, but I’ll gain far more in return.

The Rules About Abduction Prevention

Brian Braiker — Thu, 09 May 2013 16:01:03 GMT

Could there be a worse nightmare for a parent?

Since Monday, when Amanda Berry escaped the Cleveland home where she’d been imprisoned along with her 6-year-old daughter and two other women, parents everywhere have been just a little more on edge. The story of those captives did not have the worst ending it possibly could have, but what they endured will plague them and their families for years to come. And now we all have a vivid reminder of what could happen to our own kids.

Odds are, it won't. The chances of your child being a victim of a "stereotypical" abduction – whisked away by a stranger with the intent to keep, kill or abuse them – are roughly one in a million. But how do we strike that balance between concerns over keeping our kids safe while allowing them to grow up?

“Common sense needs to prevail,” says Pattie Fitzgerald of Safely Ever After, Inc., a Los Angeles-area consultant who teaches safety to parents and children. “When this stuff is in the news, my phone rings off the hook because everyone suddenly thinks there are kidnappers all around. But it’s unusual.”

Here's how unusual:

Approximately 800,000 children are reported missing annually (and most are found quickly), according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
About 200,000 are abducted by family members
About 58,000 are abducted by nonfamily members
An estimated 115 children are victims of stereotypical kidnappings

“Sometimes we don’t realize it but the danger is living next door,” says Nancy McBride, national safety director at the NCMEC. “We like to think it’s the scary weirdo behind the tree, but in actuality the danger is someone you or they know.”

Plus: Amanda Berry, the Ohio Abductions and What Lies Ahead

And every couple of years a story like this dominates the news cycle, rattling parents to their core. In 2011, 8-year-old Leiby Kletzky was dismembered and killed by a stranger after taking a wrong turn on his way home from camp in Brooklyn. Then there is Jaycee Dugard, abducted at age 11 while walking to the school bus in South Lake Tahoe, Calif., and held captive as a sex slave for 18 years.

Experts like McBride and Fitzgerald offer a few tips to parents who are wondering what to do in light of recent events:

Check Up On the Adults in the Area
Parents should be sure to have contact with all of the adults who have contact with their kids. Check references with other families who have used the same childcare providers and be cautious about the amount of information you share with friends, neighbors and coworkers. For access to sex-offender registries visit the Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Website.

“Don’t make assumptions that just because someone is volunteering to be your kids’ soccer coach that it means they’re a great person,” says McBride.

If an adult who is not from your close circle approaches you for time alone with your child, she says, that should be a red flag. Any coach who wants some special one-on-one training time with your child or any teacher who thinks your child needs special lessons or tutoring ought to be scrutinized carefully.

Teach – and Learn – the Rules
Kids themselves can learn what to do by recognizing and avoiding a potentially dangerous situation. Keep it simple by establishing a system of rules. Teach your child that if he is approached by what Fitzgerald calls a “tricky person” or if they get an “uh-oh” feeling, seek out a trusted adult immediately.

Drill them, too, on what they should do if someone they don’t know asks them a question on, for example, a field trip: check with a familiar adult no matter what. If that predator says they’ve already checked for the child, the child needs to know to say “no I am the one who has to check,” that it’s a rule.

“It’s always important to approach it with them as 'safety rules,' because that’s clear cut,” says Fitzgerald. “Kids get through their days with rules and if they see an adult who is breaking a rule, they’ll know what action to take. You don’t have to give them long lectures.”

A recent survey of 8,000 failed abduction attempts found that 83 percent of the targeted kids got away because they knew what to do. They knew the rules. If they were grabbed by a stranger, they knew they had to walk or run or punch or kick or bite or scream their way out of the threat.

The rules aren’t complicated. “The top tricks used by predators still work. They offer candy, money, ask for help in finding a puppy, ask kids if they want a ride,” says McBride. “They’re asking a child any sort of a question at all, hoping to engage the child because we’ve taught our kids to be polite.”

When Can They Walk To School Alone?
Kids 12 and younger should never walk anywhere alone. If they’re 10 or 11 and feel old enough to walk to school without an adult, they should go with at least one friend as part of a buddy system, says Fitzgerald. And plot the route with them ahead of time, pointing out local businesses or neighbors’ homes that are safe if they ever get concerned someone might be following or bugging them.

If you feel they’re old enough for a phone, make a rule about not using it while walking. A distracted child is an easy target, says Fitzgerald.

In the final analysis, though, no amount of drilling or rules-learning can replace the supervision of a caring, trusted adult. “You can teach kids some skills; you can model behavior and rehearse scenarios,” says McBride. “But the bottom line is, nothing beats your supervision and attention.”

Cute Pregnancy Announcement Video: Parents Tell Kids "We're Having Twins"

Kate Goodin — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:57:42 GMT

Telling your parents that they'll be grandparents is a joy in itself, but telling your kids that they'll have siblings? That's when some of the best one-liners fly.

Watch these two sisters' reactions to the news that they'll have twin siblings. We can't tell who we love more: the big sis crying tears of joy, or the younger sister asking if she can eat one.

Plus: 20 Creative Ways to Announce Your Pregnancy

How did you tell your kids they would be a big brother or sister? Share in the comments!

Forty Percent of Moms Say They Didn't Make Enough Milk

Kim Hays — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:35:55 GMT

I remember sitting in the lactation consultant’s chair, her hands positioning my tiny but full-term newborn twins to my breasts. She had just weighed them, and I was nursing them to see how much milk they were consuming. She weighed them again when they were done.

“They’re using more energy trying to nurse than they’re actually consuming,” she told me. “You need to supplement with formula until they are stronger.”

So I did. And I pumped. Every two hours like clockwork. A few weeks later, I returned both babies to the breast. Each session would take over an hour, and both babes would pop off exhausted and still hungry.

“You need to nurse the stronger twin to bring your milk in. Right now, you’re not making enough for both babies,” my lactation consultant told me. What she said was different from what I heard, which was: Your body is failing these babies.

I ate the oatmeal, supplemented with fenugreek, and did all the things a mom’s supposed to do to boost milk supply. I was exhausted, depressed, frustrated and in very real pain. Even worse, my babies were hungry. So at 6 weeks, they became formula babies.

Sound familiar? Well, the specifics may differ, but 40 percent of the more than 1,000 moms we surveyed in conjunction with HLN's Raising America say they gave up breastfeeding because they weren’t making enough milk. They are women like me, who know breast is best, but worry that it’s just not enough.

Plus: 15 Products That Make Breastfeeding Easier

Truth is, the majority of new moms out there do, in fact, have the ability to produce enough milk for their babies. Research shows that only about 15 percent of women are physically unable to maintain a healthy milk supply, with only about 5 percent having physical problems that simply can’t be overcome by any measure.

That’s a pretty big disparity between perception and reality. Are moms just taking the easy way out? And does it really matter?

“If 40 percent of mothers are finding it's not working for them, then we have a big problem — a problem that needs systematic studies of strategies to fix the problem,” says Alison Stuebe, M.D., assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology in the Division of Maternal-Fetal Medicine at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine.

Dr. Stuebe has real concerns about saying that moms citing low-milk supply are taking the easy way out of breastfeeding. “I find that the overwhelming majority of mothers want to do what's best for their babies.” And if she’s having problems, then it’s her doctor’s job to help her find a solution, Dr. Stuebe says. “What we don't need is finger-pointing that blames individual mothers and tells them this is all in their heads.”

She pointed out Dr. Marianne Neifert’s 2001 report that said: “A health-care professional would never tell a diabetic woman that ‘every pancreas can make insulin’ or insist to a devastated infertility patient that ‘every woman can get pregnant.’ The fact is that lactation, like all physiologic functions, sometimes fails because of various medical causes.”

Plus: 36 Tips For Breastfeeding Success

For many mothers, the odds are simply stacked against them from the get-go: Giving birth in a hospital that isn’t “baby friendly” – that is, one that doesn't support practices that have shown to boost breastfeeding success rates such as nursing within an hour of birth and not giving pacifiers – significantly decreases a mom's chances of making it work. And modern feeding practices such as nursing every few hours instead of every 5 to 15 minutes, also affects a mom’s milk supply, Dr. Stuebe says.

The fear of low milk supply is so great that one company, Upspring, created a test called Milkscreen for moms to use at home to see if they’re making enough for their babies. The product was met with outrage last month from breastfeeding activists, who claimed there was no accurate way to test milk supply at home and that the product played on a huge insecurity of new mothers. Almost immediately, retailers pulled Milkscreen from shelves and the company suspended production.

This week, we'll explore a new topic--from breastfeeding to spanking to money and sex--every day here on Parenting.com, but be sure to tune into Raising America (check local TV listings) daily for even more juicy revelations from our survey! Click here for the full results of the survey. Click here to make your own confession!

Study: Labor-Induction Drug May Pose Risk To Babies

Holly Kapherr — Wed, 08 May 2013 17:48:40 GMT

A drug-free labor and delivery is an ideal scenario for many parents, but sometimes, labor needs a little help getting started. Many OB/GYNs opt for a drug called Pitocin, a syntheitic version of the naturally released hormone oxytocin, which causes uterine contractions and begins labor. But, according to a study presented at the annual clinical meeting of the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists on Tuesday, Pitocin may pose a risk for babies.

Researchers reviewed hospital records of over 3,000 women who had delivered full-term babies at New York's Beth Israel Hospital between 2009 and 2011. Pitocin was linked to unexpected admissions to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) and to lower Apgar scores, which could signal lasting health problems.

Plus: Study: Pitocin Use Doesn't Help Avoid C-Sections

But Karen Deighan, MD, OB/GYN, director of OB/GYN at Gottlieb Memorial Hospital, part of Loyola University Health System in Illinois, tells Parenting.com that the research is still inconclusive since the real cause of the babies admission to the NICU. “There are so many other factors that it’s very difficult to pinpoint one, whether it’s a drug or something else entirely,” she says.

Pitocin is a mainstay of modern obstetrics, and an important medication in making sure delivery goes smoothly. If, for one reason or another, a woman’s water breaks, but the uterus doesn’t contract on its own, induction is necessary to protect the baby from infection.

Dr. Deighan says that Pitocin is administered according to strict protocols, all centering around the health and safety of the baby. “We monitor the baby closely to make sure the dosage and administration of pitocin is correct. Like any medication, it can cause complications, but, also like any medication, when given under safe and careful supervision, it is a great help,” she says. “I don’t know that we could practice modern obstetrics without it.”

What's your take on this study's surprising findings? Did you induce with pitocin and, if so, how was that experience? Let us know.

Amanda Berry and the Ohio Abductions: What Lies Ahead

Judy Dutton — Wed, 08 May 2013 16:40:54 GMT

I lost my 2-year-old daughter on a crowded playground once: I blinked, and she was gone. Panic rising in my throat, I ran circles around the park’s perimeter, screeching her name, before finally spotting her by the swings. From that point on, I vowed I’d keep my eyeballs glued to her in public. A few months later, I lost (and found) her again. So much for that.

Call me a horrible mom or call me human, but those few minutes where I couldn’t pinpoint my daughter’s whereabouts were the most frightening of my life. That’s why I can’t imagine what it would be like to be the parent of a truly missing child like Amanda Berry—who, in 2003, vanished just a day before her 17^th birthday and remained MIA for ten years. My heart pounds, my knees weaken, and my eyes get teary at the thought.

Plus: Sandy Hook Mom Opens Up About Child's PTSD

But unlike many other kidnapping cases, Berry’s story has a happy ending: On Monday, the 27-year-old escaped the Cleveland home where she’d been imprisoned along with her six-year-old daughter and two other women—Gina DeJesus, 23, and Michelle Knight, 32. Police arrested their alleged captors; the reunited families rejoiced. Still, what lies ahead for these survivors is hard to say. Due to their long captivity, child abduction experts theorize they face a long road to recover.

“It’s pretty likely they have PTSD,” says Caroline Landis, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and professor of pediatrics at Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital in Cleveland. They may also suffer from Stockholm syndrome, where they came to empathize with their captors. Their joint confinement might have also presented some potentially damaging psychodynamics along with the obvious morale boost.

“They had each other for support and comfort—that might have been lifesaving for them,” says Lawrence Balter, a child psychologist in New York, New York. But on the flip side, “In situations like this where there are multiple hostages or prisoners, it is not unusual for one captive to be treated far worse or to have a psychological response that is more severe than the other prisoners,” explains David Sack, M.D., CEO of Promises Treatment Centers. “The person whose treatment is less severe or who copes with it better often feels guilty that they did not/could not do more to help the more severely affected victim. This guilt can haunt them for a lifetime.”

The good news? Over time, approximately 70 percent of PTSD patients improve significantly. “PTSD is highly treatable, and I’d like to think that these women will be on the front lines of receiving those treatments,” says Landis. One technique, called Imagery Rehearsal Therapy, helps replace recurring nightmares with more pleasant and empowering thoughts. Trauma patients have also found surprising success taking drugs typically prescribed for hypertension like Prazosin and Clonidine.

Plus: Kidnapped Baby Reunited With Family 23 Years Later

Not that we should expect these women to bounce back and spill their story on primetime TV anytime soon. “Elizabeth Smart didn’t talk to the media until perhaps a year after her escape,” points out Donald Freedheim, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Case Western Reserve University. Smart, who was kidnapped from her bedroom in 2002 at 14 and rescued nine months later, hopes that Berry and the others won’t feel pressured to dwell on their ordeal too much. “I hope that they realize that there is so much ahead of them that they don’t need to hold on to the past,” Smart told ABC’s Good Morning America. “They don’t need to relive everything that’s happened, because their rescue is proof that there are good people out there.”

Another kidnapping survivor, Jaycee Dugard—who was abducted at 11 and remained missing for 18 years—echoed that it may take time before these women want to relive what they’ve been through. “These individuals need the opportunity to heal and connect back into the world,” Dugard said in a public statement. “This isn’t who they are. It is only what happened to them. The human spirit is incredibly resilient. More than ever this reaffirms we should never give up hope.”

I wholeheartedly agree, and pray that this event will bring more attention to the issue of missing kids. It’s a nightmare no parent should ever have to endure, for two minutes or ten years.

Study: Labor-Induction Drug Pitocin May Pose Risk To Babies

Holly Kapherr — Wed, 08 May 2013 16:02:51 GMT

A drug-free labor and delivery is an ideal scenario for many parents, but sometimes, labor needs a little help getting started. Many OB/GYNs opt for a drug called Pitocin, a synthetic version of the naturally released hormone oxytocin, which causes uterine contractions and begins labor. But, according to a study presented at the annual clinical meeting of the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists on Tuesday, Pitocin may pose a risk for babies.

Plus: Study: Pitocin Use Doesn't Help Avoid C-Sections

But Karen Deighan, MD, OB/GYN, director of OB/GYN at Gottlieb Memorial Hospital, part of Loyola University Health System in Illinois, tells Parenting.com that the research is still inconclusive since there are many factors that can cause a baby's admission to the NICU. “There are so many other factors that it’s very difficult to pinpoint one, whether it’s a drug or something else entirely,” she says.

What's your take on this study's surprising findings? Did you induce with pitocin and, if so, how was that experience? Let us know.

Mom's Dirty Money Secrets

Brian Braiker — Wed, 08 May 2013 13:32:00 GMT

The other day I realized we were out of bread. So I grabbed my keys and wallet, happy for a brief stroll to the corner store to pick up a $5 loaf of multigrain. But before I opened the front door, it occurred to me I may not actually have enough, well, dough.

A quick peek into my wallet confirmed it: cobwebs. Not a single Washington.

But! My 7-year-old daughter has a little safe on the shelf by the door crammed with damp wadded bills and a battery of loose coins. Surely she wouldn’t notice (or mind) if some of her stash went missing. Right? I mean, I’d replace it.

I certainly wouldn’t be the first to “borrow” from my kids. Last month, Parenting joined forces with HLN’s Raising America with Kyra Phillips for an uncensored look at moms’ most revealing confessions. Together we surveyed more than 1,000 readers, viewers, and social-media fans from around the country to get the scoop on how they're really doing as parents.

The shocker? More than a third – a full 37.5 percent surveyed – admitted to having spent some of their child’s “birthday or special occasion money” on bills.

Plus: How To Teach Kids About Money

Across the board, money proved to be a sticky topic for these parents. Half of them admitted to lying to their partner about the cost of a purchase made for themselves or the kids. A third (35 percent) say they don’t trust their partner to handle the family’s finances and instead manage it all themselves.

“This survey highlights the fact that we’re not coming clean about money,” Neale Godfrey, CEO of the Children's Financial Network and author of multiple books on financial literacy for children and families, tells Parenting.com. “This is about transparency in all relationships – with our partners and our children. We fight more about money than we fight about anything else. These are the things that tear families apart.”

The problem is that we’re passing our bad habits down to our kids. The only thing kids see us do with money is spend it, says Godfrey, who has created a new financial literacy app for kids called GreenStreets: Shmootz Happens!

“They don’t see us save, pay bills or give to charity,” she says. “Get them involved in all the rest of it. The only way to get money is to earn it. So make it really visible, simple and transparent for them.”

We might be able to show them how to earn it, but saving, aparently, is not something we're doing ourselves. Nearly half (44.9 percent) of parents surveyed by Parenting and HLN admitted to not having started saving for their child’s college education despite fully intending to.

This is not helping, say experts.

Plus: 5 Money Lessons for Mom

”When parents are really stressed about money, they pass down whatever dysfunction they have around money to their children – and it stretches across generations,” says Dr. Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist and author of Mind Over Money. “I’ve worked with people who are adults now that were cheated out of money by their parents and siblings.”

Fortunately there are steps all of us can take to be a little more proactive when it comes to money and our kids. A few tips:

Make your savings goals less abstract. If you really want to start saving for your kids’ college, open an account and put a name on it. Get emotionally attached to it. “Most of our financial behavior is rooted in our emotional brain, not our rational brain. Call it ‘Junior’s College Fund.’ Put a face on it and start saving,” says Klontz. “If you can attach some sort of emotion to an account, studies show you can increase savings up to 200 percent.”

Be open about your finances with the kids. “Money is a taboo topic in a lot of houses, and so we don’t talk to kids about it,” says Klontz. “We’re teaching children that money is either not important, or it’s such a stressful topic that we don’t talk about it.”

Even if you can afford a big-ticket item like a big screen TV, you’re doing your kids a disservice by simply waltzing into the nearest big box store and swiping your card.

“We have to demonstrate for children what it’s like to save, what it’s like to bargain hunt. If you swipe a credit card and get it, you’re teaching children if you want something you grab this thing and it’s yours.”

Structure allowances. Give your kids money with strings attached; don’t let them throw it all away. If her allowance is $3, stipulate that one of those dollars goes to savings, the second to charity and the third can be spent however she wants.

Manage your kids’ expectations. If you haven’t saved for college, chances are your child may not be able to go to her top choice. Don’t lead her on, says Godfrey.

“Don’t say ‘if you get into school, we’ll figure out how to pay for it,’” she says. That is setting expectations unreasonably high.

“I don’t want to be the one judging a parent who has to pay a bill. But if you have not started saving, you have to say ‘hey, look, I didn’t save for your college because we had all these other bills and all this other stuff.’” Community college may have to come first and your child will have to be ready for that possibility.

Don’t steal. This sounds like a no-brainer. But if you need to borrow from your kids’ birthday stash, explain to him in advance that the family needs the money to pay the bills or make ends meet. “If you came clean with your kids, it would be hard to believe he or she would say ‘no, Mommy, I don’t want to help out the family’,” says Godfrey.

Plus: 25+ Ways To Start Saving Money Instantly

As for me, I ended up not taking a loan from my daughter’s piggy bank. I sucked up the $2 ATM surcharge at the corner store and bought the loaf myself. Her little stash is secure and mine is ever so slightly depleted.

And maybe tomorrow she and I will have a talk about how exactly that bread got bought.

Study: Moms Respond to Baby Cries More Than Dads

Kate Goodin — Tue, 07 May 2013 20:24:11 GMT

It's an old cliché: mom springs awake at the first cry of her baby while dad snores through the entire episode. It turns out there may be a biological reason for pop's baby-deafness.

A new study published in the medical journal Neuroreport found a spike in brain activity in women when they hear the cries of babies, reports the Los Angeles Times. The study had men and women subjects listen to white noise and encouraged them to let their minds wander. Then they interspersed the recording with the sounds of baby cries. The scans of the women's brains showed a reaction to the cries; the scans of the men's brains showed that they remained neutral.

Plus: Carrying Babies Proven to Calm Crying

You can listen to a recording of the cries from the study. Do they tickle your brain? Tell us in the comments.

Moms Own Up To Screaming and Spanking

Stephanie Wood — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:49:10 GMT

I get it. I really do. I can still see the splatters of formula dripping down the kitchen window when I threw a baby bottle in a rage somewhere between child one and child two. Apparently I’ve got lots of company in my explosive emotions.

Last month, Parenting joined forces with HLN’s Raising America with Kyra Phillips for an uncensored look at moms’ most revealing confessions. Together we surveyed more than 1,000 readers, viewers, and social-media fans from around the country to get the scoop on how they really feel about parenthood.

A full 60 percent of moms admitted to totally freaking out (yelling, throwing something, storming out of the room) on their kids a few times. One in five moms said screaming at their kids was a regular occurrence. And a whopping 78 percent of moms today say they’ve spanked their kids, or at least given them a swat. Ouch.

Plus: Learn How To Cool Down With Confessions of a Screamer

We all know this is no way to discipline kids—April 30 has been National Spank Out Day for the last 15 years to raise awareness that corporal punishment is never the way to go—yet we can’t seem to stop.

“Parenting can be trying and difficult at times, and moms and dads find themselves behaving or considering behavior they would not have resorted to in normal circumstances,” explains Adelle Cadieux, Psy.D., a pediatric psychologist at Spectrum Health’s Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI.

Indeed our survey jibes with other research. A 2011 study in Child and Youth Services Review published an article indicating that the percentage of parents who spank their child increased with age: 15 percent did so at 12 months, 40 percent at 18 months, and 50 percent at 20 months, notes Dr. Cadieux.

Toddlerhood is tough phase to be sure, but ironically, spanking at these young ages increases the likelihood that a child will act out even more. Research has found that younger mothers and parents with increased stress are more likely to resort to physical discipline, while children with more behavioral problems are also more likely to be spanked.

"Spanking is a high-risk form of discipline, and there are much safer and effective methods of teaching children to cooperate and behave responsibly,” notes Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D., founder of Active Parenting Publishing.

"It's clear that if we want a less violent world then one of the ways to achieve this is to raise children without violence. Spanking, though a seemingly mild form of violence to an adult, can be very traumatic to a young child. Think of the size differential and imagine yourself spanked by someone ten times your size."

“There is a correlation between children who are shown physical aggression (spanking, slapping) and depression, anxiety, and behavior problems,” agrees Dr. Cadieux. “Children who are shown aggression, tend to exhibit aggression.” A far better option: Help your children understand the consequences of their
actions through non-aggressive means such as time out or restricting a favorite activity.

So the next time you feel like you’re going to freak out, give yourself a time-out before you scream or swat, Mom. Take a deep breath and count to 10, or 20, or 100—whatever it takes. Your kids will thank you—and you’ll be happier, too.

Plus: Get More Discipline Help

We'll explore a new topic--from breastfeeding to spanking to money and sex--everyday this week here on Parenting.com, but be sure to tune into Raising America (check local TV listings) daily for even more juicy revelations from our survey! Click here for the full results of the survey. Click here to make your own confession!

Mom Wins Lottery Jackpot with Accidental Ticket

Elina Bolokhova — Mon, 06 May 2013 19:32:44 GMT

One mother had a very good day after accidentally purchasing a lottery ticket – and winning a $14 million jackpot.

Single mom-of-four Thuan Le normally spends $4 on Powerball tickets and $1 on a SuperLotto Plus ticket. But while using a self-service machine at an Orange County CVS store, Le inadvertently fed the machine $6 instead of her usual $5. On a whim, Le decided to use her credit to purchase an extra SuperLotto Plus ticket. That was the lotto ticket that ended up scoring big.

Plus: Win a Baby With a Lottery Ticket!

When a shift supervisor informed Le that she had the winning ticket, she was moved to tears. According to a news release from California Lottery, Le then proceeded to run screaming from the store.

Le’s numbers were 5, 33, 25, 46, 32, and the Mega number 26. The CVS store will receive $70,000, or one-half percent, of the jackpot for selling the winning ticket. But before you get on line to purchase your own ticket: the odds of winning a SuperLotto jackpot are about 1 in 42 million, according to the California lottery.

What would you do with an instant $14 million? Leave a comment and let us know.

Study: Mom's Saliva May Prevent Kids’ Eczema and Asthma

Leonora Desar — Mon, 06 May 2013 16:13:32 GMT

Have you ever cleaned your kid’s pacifier by sucking on it? A new study in Pediatrics found that it just might help prevent your little one from developing allergies.

Researchers at Queen Silvia Children's Hospital in Gothenburg, Sweden studied over 180 babies. They found that infants whose parent cleaned their pacifiers by sucking on them were much less likely to develop asthma and eczema by 18 months than babies whose mom or dad didn’t use the method. Eczema, but not asthma, continued at the lower rates for these tots at 36 months.

"The most exciting result was the eczema," Christine Johnson, chair of the public health department at Detroit's Henry Ford Hospital, told NBC News. "I'm a bit more skeptical about the asthma findings because asthma is hard to measure before a child is five or six years old."

Plus: 3 Painful Babies' Skin Conditions

When sucking on pacifiers, parents transfer microscopic organisms called microflora to their kids though saliva. Researchers believe that the organisms act as a protective mechanism by stimulating the immune system.

“We know that if infants have diverse microflora in the gut, then children will have less allergy and less eczema," Dr. Bill Hesselmar, the study’s lead author, said.

Dr. Hesselmar says that the sucking method can be particularly helpful for C-section babies, who are not exposed to the same quantity of microorganisms as infants who are delivered vaginally.

"If they are using a pacifier and those parents think it's OK to suck on the pacifier, then yes, I would recommend it," Dr. Hesselmar said.

Plus: 5 Tips for Baby's Skin

In spite of the study, 35-year-old mom Amanda Sauer will probably not be changing her cleaning techniques any time soon, "just the fact that I don't really want to put a pacifier in my mouth,” she told NPR. “But sometimes the dog cleans it off for us, so maybe that's just as good."

Do you suck on your baby’s pacifier to clean it, or is that just going too far? Leave a comment.

A Quarter of All Moms Confess to Having a Favorite Child

Deborah Skolnik — Mon, 06 May 2013 16:12:26 GMT

"Hey!” both my sisters shouted, half-glaring at me over my mother’s shoulder. It was Mother’s Day 2008, and I’d given Mom a card I couldn’t resist: it said “FROM YOUR FAVORITE CHILD” on the inside.

Funny, right? (At least, if you aren't my sisters.) But I may have been onto something.

One dirty little secret we uncovered? Almost a quarter of us have a favorite kid, or have to squelch an urge to play favorites.

Sure, these feelings may not make us feel like Parents of the Year. Yet emotions like those are normal, says Bonnie Harris, MS Ed., a parenting specialist and author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons.

“It’s natural to be a little more attached to a certain child, if he gives you more,” she says. “Maybe he’s more affectionate than his siblings, or shares your interests, or is just plain easier to raise and makes you feel like a great parent.”

Plus: When Parents Play Favorites

Her take? Don’t feel guilty — but don’t broadcast your preference, either.

“It only becomes a problem when you’re unconsciously playing it out, like muttering, ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’” she says

Our survey also uncovered a guilty secret on the opposite end of the spectrum: More than 35 percent of us sometimes wish our child was more like someone else’s kid. Most frequently, we wonder why he isn’t as well-behaved as one of his pals. Other yearned-for traits include being more outgoing, more talented, brainier, and (eek!) less geeky.

“We always want our children to think they’re the apple of our eye,” says Harris. And, she adds, we see our children as a reflection of ourselves—if they’re coming up short in some department, we feel we’re at least partly at fault.

Luckily, there are ways to appreciate and enjoy the child you have instead of wishing he were different. For starters, “Understand that you’re not 100 percent responsible for how your child is, or his success in life,” Harris says. “Yes, maybe it would be easier for him to fit in if he were an athlete, but you can’t necessarily change him, and it’s not your fault.”

Acknowledge too that you’re probably idealizing his ‘perfect’ friends. “You’re only seeing them some of the time—who knows how they are the rest of the time, or with their own parents?” Harris points out.

Also, stop to ask yourself whether you’re projecting some of your own childhood wants and needs on your kid. “If you wished you had more friends when you were little, and your child has just a couple of pals now, you may think she’s a misfit. But maybe she’s the kind of person who’s fine with a small social circle,” Harris explains.

Plus: Study: Favoritism's Sinister Side

Lastly, try to spend more one-on-one time with your child, getting to know her on her own terms.

“If you’re disappointed because she’s a tomboy and you love shopping for girly clothes, maybe you can find another kind of shopping to do together, like for cool sports equipment,” she says. “Finding what you have in common, and building on it, is the key to making a different and better relationship.”

‘I am Adam Lanza’s Mother’ Writer Signs Book Deal

Kimberly Horner — Fri, 03 May 2013 17:59:27 GMT

Liza Long first sparked a national conversation about mental illness in the wake of the Newtown shootings with a candid essay titled “I am Adam Lanza’s mother.”

The essay went hugely viral, and now this single mom has been tapped by Hudson Street Press to write a book.

Long will write “I am Michael’s Mother,” a book chronicling her experience raising a gifted child with a mental illness and her challenges with the nation’s current mental health-care system. There is no release date at this time.

Plus: Why Asperger’s Didn’t Cause the Sandy Hook School Shooting

Just days after Adam Lanza killed 20 children, 6 adults, and his own mother in a devastating mass shooting, Long published a heartfelt essay on her personal blog. In the essay Long opened up about her fears for her 13-year-old son and her hopes for starting a dialogue about mental health.

“It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health,” wrote Long in her essay. “That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.”

You can read Long’s full essay on her blog.