Show My Face

Six Word Saturday

2012-05-26T03:02:00.000-04:00

first weekend off in a month

Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.

Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit. Or I visit everyone. Or even numbered entries. Or odd numbered entries. Or multiples of three. Depends on what's going on that week. In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!

If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.

Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).

Six Word Saturday

2012-05-19T03:02:00.000-04:00

can't blog when I'm so stressed

I did get my quiet weekend last time around. And I should get another this weekend. But I feel so unstable right now - I'm up, down, all over the place. There are things happening - potentially GOOD things - which means change which means I'm completely unfocused until things are more settled. And so the blogging plan falls apart.

Six Word Saturday

2012-05-12T03:02:00.000-04:00

THIS will be my quiet weekend

I write up my 6WS posts ahead of time so you don't all mutiny if I decide to sleep in on Saturday morning. This past week, I jokingly wrote (on Thursday) about wanting a quiet weekend and packing my xanax for the family trip. In case you missed it, here's how the weekend turned out. Yikes. I'll admit that as I prepare this post on Friday morning, I'm a little afraid that I may be jinxing my weekend with the words above. Let's hope that's not the case.

Let Me Count The Ways...

2012-05-07T12:12:00.000-04:00

...that this past weekend's trip went very wrong. Some bigger than others.

I was sick the night before (Thursday) due to anxiety
Friday 4am wake-up call finds Joe bleeding from his belly button
I bonk my head getting in the car on the way to the airport
We arrive at destination around 11am instead of noon (my mistake) so Joe has scheduled lunch w his father for a time when I've committed to work
I can't get my personal wifi to grab a signal from the car outside the lunch restaurant so I have to go searching for wifi
I make it to lunch an hour late - they're done eating so I start shoving food in my face, at which point Joe says he needs to go to Urgent Care for the belly button
Urgent Care puts stitches in Joe to stop the bleeding
I end up very sick with a puking migraine all night (that's two nights in a row of no sleep)
Can't get out of bed in the morning due to migraine, miss planned outing w family
Visit w family spoiled by my lack of ability to sit upright (can't play w kids)
Unable to enjoy the pizza we always order when we go home
Broke the zipper on my favorite travel bag
Joe busts his new stitches while playing with nephew, bleeding more than before
Speak with on-call doctor from appendix surgeon's office back home in undisclosed location, he advises we change our flights and come home Sunday rather than Tuesday because putting in those extra stitches was the wrong thing for the Urgent Care to do
Joe doesn't sleep the entire night because he's afraid of bleeding on our hosts' sheets (that's THREE nights in a row of no sleep)
Cost to change flight - $250 per ticket, long layover
Quick farewell tour that pisses off everyone so we can head back to the airport
Layover extended due to mechanical problems on second flight
No ground crew when we arrive at final destination means even longer delay
Joe's house keys have somehow fallen into a hole in his jacket and we can't get them out to unlock the house
I get spazzed by spiders trying to dig the emergency spare key out of the hidey spot

Also? I was supposed to be working the new gig all weekend and that went to hell. I'm so glad they are understanding.

So, yeah. Not our best trip ever. There WERE good bits though and I'll maybe share those later. Or keep them for myself.

Joe will be fine but we have an appointment with the surgeon in a couple of hours. We both feel like hell physically and it sucks that we spent a boatload of money on a trip that we weren't able to enjoy and had to cut short.

But we'll survive because it's what we do. The money sucks but it won't break us. And I'm happy for the time we DID get to spend with the kids/family, even if it was short and limited because we weren't feeling well. Also, when you feel like that, you just wanna be back to your own home - we slept well last night and I already feel less stress because we're back in our own world. As I told Joe last night, now we can work on fixing it all.

Six Word Saturday

2012-05-05T03:02:00.000-04:00

I would love a quiet weekend

or, since we're away visiting family:

of COURSE I packed my Xanax!

NOT What I Meant!

2012-05-03T11:00:00.000-04:00

Apologies in advance to my Twitter pals for this post - you got this about 24 hours before it hit the blog.

While doing ALL THE THINGS yesterday, I made a call to my grandmother about our upcoming trip and then tweeted about it while also doing about four other tasks. The result?

It was only after I had tweeted (and someone retweeted) that I realized it sounded like I was giving Gramma less than a week to live. I had meant it as a correction. "No, Gramma, we were NOT there last weekend and ignored you. I'm calling because we're coming THIS weekend and would like to find a time to visit."

Twitter is dangerous - I can do a lot of damage with those 140 characters! Including handing out death sentences to grannies!

I'm Tired

2012-05-01T11:02:00.000-04:00

Today, a little stream of consciousness post because I need to clear my head. Or at least try.

Tired. I'm tired of being inside my head. I'm tired of the chaos in there.

Things are generally good right now! I'm happier than I've ever been. And that's the problem! How can "good" be a problem? Because stability has a lot to do with a steady base that can withstand the movement it experiences. And so if your base isn't strong, the best chances of staying level are if there isn't a lot of movement. So the more "good" I experience, the more movement to my weak base. I go UP and then my messed up brain thinks that rather than reset normal to UP, it's better to just swing way far to DOWN to kind of even things out.

Why can't we quit zigging and zagging and just walk a new straight line?

And so it goes that the more I experience happy, the more unsettled I feel. Why can't I just be happy and have that be a good thing?

My poor husband. There's no winning with me. I AM happy, dammit. I'm finding my way. Largely because of the freedom he provides to me. And I'm sure that to his well-functioning logical brain, I make no sense. That must be frustrating to him.

And to everyone. Probably you're tired of hearing about the insides of my head, whether you read it here, or on twitter, or in email, or I babble at you in person. You may think I have it made. "She quit her job. She doesn't work. She screws around all day and goes on a lot of trips and shops and is living the life." I try to hide a lot of of my imbalance. It either comes out in really short bursts or in big storms. I'm storming today. I don't know if I'll publish this or not but I just need to write it out.

I'm taking on new things. It's good. It's scary. It's an adjustment because it's different and there I go again all wobbly in my head. It's a choice (or a bunch of choices) I'm making to deliberately put myself off-balance. I need to keep pushing. I need to get stronger. I need to make progress. I need to KEEP making progress - I don't know when I'll be done or fixed - but the more I struggle, the more it's a sign that I'm making forward movement. I hope when my husband is frustrated with me that he can remember a time not THAT long when I couldn't leave the house without getting sick. When I wouldn't go out to do anything. When I wouldn't drive myself anywhere.

The fact that I keep struggling indicates that I've made progress.

I just wish it didn't make me want to crawl back into bed or self-medicate in unhealthy ways or shut off my mind.

It all makes me really tired.

P.S. I decided to publish this because I know I'm not the only one facing this kind of chaos. If you go through this too, you're not alone. If you know someone who suffers, maybe this will give you a little insight. Be gentle.

P.P.S. Also, I need you to know that I'm alright. Really.

Six Word Saturday

2012-04-28T03:02:00.000-04:00

my new job starts this Tuesday

It's a freelance thing that grew out of my last contract and will provide some steady monthly income. I'm not really sure about the day-to-day duties yet so wish me luck and happiness!

Wait, WHAT?!?!

2012-04-27T10:29:00.001-04:00

Last weekend, we received an email from Fred, one of Joe's out-of-town grad school classmates. Another local, Jane, was copied. (No, those aren't their real names. Give me a break.)

"Hi Joe and Jane! I waited until last-minute to book a hotel for the reunion next weekend and I'm having trouble finding one. Any chance either of you could do me a huge favor and let me crash with you for the two nights? I'd be indebted forever!"

Joe checked with me (because he values his life) and I said it was fine so he replied with a yes. At the same time, the other potential host replied with a yes. Fred's response?

"Guess you'll have to arm wrestle and get back to me with the winner!"

Haha, right? So silly, that Fred! Several days went by and Joe emailed Fred again to see if he'd decided where to stay. The response?

"I feel like I'm in an awkward position with the two of you making me choose. Maybe you can sort it out and get back to me."

How in the world did this go from doing him a favor by hosting in our homes to us fighting for the honor of his presence? No, *I* want to clean my house so it's guest-ready! Pick me, pick me!!! I just don't think that's how things are supposed to work. Or am I wrong?

In the end, (based on a bunch of things I didn't bother asking about) he chose to stay with Jane and her husband. Probably just as well since Tonya-cat has started bitch-slapping anyone that dares go upstairs at our place.

In a related story, little old me, along with my creative spirit and fledgling freelance career, will be spending time at Joe's reunion this weekend. It will be a crowd of business school alumni with their fancy degrees and high-powered jobs. I'm totally feeling like I'll fit right in! (notsomuch) Actually, I've gained some confidence recently so I'm looking at it as a challenge rather than an opportunity to freak out.

Plus, I need to congratulate Jane on her "win."

Her Name is Stephanie

2012-04-24T10:00:00.000-04:00

I'm going to blame a migraine for this conversation but I do a lot of this sort of thing.

me: Hi, I have an appointment for next week that I'd like to move up if possible. I believe my stylist's name is Stephanie.
chick on phone: We don't have any stylist named Stephanie here.
me: Anyone named something similar to Stephanie?
chick on phone: We have a Shea. And a Simone.
me: Can you look me up? My name is Cate blahblahblah.
chick on phone: Ok, sure. (pause) Your stylist's name is Nicole.
me: Yeah, that's it! Just like Stephanie!

And over the weekend, we were trying to find the packet pick-up location for Joe's race. He was driving, I was navigating (bad idea).

me: It should be up here, on the left. The street starts with a B - I'll recognize it when I see it.
Joe: Ok, let me know.
me: If we reach the memorial, we've gone too far.
Joe: This is the memorial, guess I'll u-turn. What street are we looking for?
me: It starts with a B. Take the first right, that must be it.
Joe: Ok.
me: Yeah, this isn't it. It must be off this street. Keep looking for a street starting with B.
Joe: I think we should pull over and check the map. It shouldn't be this far.
me: Fine!
Joe: (he checks the address in the confirmation email) It's on Mustian Street.
me: Yes, that's it!
Joe: Mustian doesn't start with a B.
me: Whatever. I was close.
Joe: No, not really.

Seriously, me? Lame. Actually, I blame Joe for that one. He should know better than to trust me for directions. And hopefully "Stephanie" is better at remembering my haircut request than I am at remembering her name. Oops.

Returning to the Scene of the Crime

2012-04-23T13:09:00.001-04:00

Joe decided rather last-minute, as is often the case with Joe, that he was going to run a half-marathon this weekend. Yeah, you know, just 13.1 miles. No biggy. Even better? He decided to run it in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Which is an undisclosed number of HOURS in the car from our undisclosed location. Drive out Saturday, back Sunday.

As we neared our hotel, I started remembering the last time we were there. It was in September of 2008 and we had rented a beach house for the week, just to relax and get away. I spent the entire week sick due to crippling anxiety ("There's the restaurant we didn't go to because I was too spazzed to eat!"). I was sick the entire drive there. I spent the entire week trying to keep control enough to even leave the house ("There's where I spent a week thinking I was losing my mind and going to die!").

It was that trip that was the breaking point. It was that "vacation" that resulted in admitting I needed help, that something was wrong and I couldn't fix it on my own. Frantic calls to my doctor back home got me a prescription for a week's supply of xanax ("There's the Walgreens where I got my first anxiety meds!"). Agreeing to see a therapist when I we got home ("There's the lighthouse that I stood outside when I made the appointment that put me on daily anxiety meds!").

This trip was much different. I didn't spend the entire night before freaking out. I didn't spend the entire drive waiting for the next opportunity to pull over so I could be sick. We went out, we ate, and I was chill.

I've come a long way since then. I'm not sure what I'd do without Joe's support - I know I'm not easy to live with but he keeps helping me through issues that are issues only to me, despite his black-and-white logical mind not really grasping what's wrong. He's proof that you can be understanding without actually understanding.

Last week I mentioned the bazillion and one things that are now filling my days. I'm the happiest now that I've been in years. My life is busy with projects that I love and work that I enjoy. I may not be making even a fraction of the income I did before leaving my last traditional job but I'm making progress.

And I still find myself slipping into those dark holes of depression and anxiety from time to time. But there's progress there as well - I don't seem to fall in as deep or for as long. Maybe some day I'll be able to cope without relying on medication.

But for now, I cling to the progress I've made in the time since I last visited those beaches. I don't know when I'll be back there again but I feel confident in predicting there will be even more progress by the next time I visit.

Six Word Saturday

2012-04-21T03:02:00.000-04:00

world domination - won't be long now

I'm on Fire!

2012-04-20T08:59:00.001-04:00

But don't call 911 (or prescribe an antibiotic cream) - it's the GOOD kind of fire!

I haven't been blogging hardly at all the past few weeks other than Six Word Saturday. In fact, last week's six words were:

failing at blogging but winning elsewhere

So, what have I been up to lately?

In short - much awesomeness.

More specifically? (In no particular order)

researching and outlining my novel
working an editing contract
rocking that contract SO HARD that they not only want me back but have hired me on-going
making my nephew's birthday gift which he adored
niece also adored it - so I've been making her one to stop the fighting
enjoying the outdoors
fighting off the alien invasion (aka BIL and family at Easter)
brainstorming and putting into action a plan to self-publish some books you all might enjoy (more info coming soon)

Anyone who has doubted my plan for world domination? Read it and weep. I'm well on my way and fired up to keep going. I'm also fired up to blog a bit more regularly. I'm hoping to have some exciting things coming up. In the meantime, tomorrow is Six Word Saturday, as always, and I'll be back with more regular posts next week!

Six Word Saturday

2012-04-14T03:02:00.000-04:00

failing at blogging but winning elsewhere

Six Word Saturday

2012-04-07T03:02:00.000-04:00

visiting family scares Easter bunny away

Brother-in-law, his wife and two kids are visiting. Among other gems today, 12-yo nephew did not want to wait to find a bathroom so they stood around him to block the view while he peed in the street. This in a busy pedestrian mall downtown in my major (undisclosed) city location. I mean, really? Who DOES that?

Six Word Saturday

2012-03-31T03:02:00.000-04:00

the world keeps right on spinning

How to Be Amazing at 35

2012-03-28T16:46:00.001-04:00

I recently celebrated a birthday. In general, I'm not a fan of birthdays. It's not so much the getting older that bothers me but I've had some really lousy birthdays over the years. Like the year I passed out in gym class. Or the year my boyfriend dumped me. That doesn't include the years I've battled severe depression the entire month of March because of the other memories my birthday brings. This was actually the best birthday I've had in a very long time.

This year wasn't a milestone birthday. 34. It seems harmless but 35 seems like a bigger deal. For some reason, I started thinking about a year from now and all of the things I don't want to think at that point. Like the fact that I'm so overweight. Or that I'm a writer who doesn't seriously write. There are a few other things but those two define so much of my life.

My plans for being 34?

I'm going to spend 34, a non-milestone year, preparing for an awesome start to 35. For whatever reason, 35 scares me a little bit so I'd like to be sure that when I kick it off, I'm doing so from a solid place. A healthy place. A place where I respect myself and the life I'm living.

I'm still not 100% sure how I'm going to accomplish all of this, though I'm working on it. I have some ideas for how I plan to lose weight. I'm not sure how to measure the writing angle but I feel like I'm making progress now and want to continue doing so. I'll reread my post from the beginning of the year about being mindful and try to follow-through on those ideas.

All I know is that when I look back right now at 33, I wish I had started then. If I had, things would be a lot different today. If I don't start making the most of now, I'm a fool. And I don't believe I'm a fool. And I most definitely don't want to be 35 looking back on 34 and feeling disappointed in myself for not living each day as if I'm worthy of an amazing future.

So, how to be amazing at 35? By being amazing at 34.

Here's to an amazing year!

Six Word Saturday

2012-03-24T03:02:00.000-04:00

I am doing ALL THE THINGS!!!!!

And spazzing just a bit...

BHBC: The Fault In Our Stars (John Green)

2012-03-22T13:40:00.000-04:00

"The Fault In Our Stars" is the first John Green book I've read and I'm still trying to decide if I liked it or not. I really wanted to like it because I really like John. I mean, not that I know John or that he knows me. But he seems like a swell guy. If you're unfamiliar with Mr. Green, you can read more about him here.

The book follows Hazel, a teenager with terminal cancer. Her main affliction is "lungs that suck at being lungs." Through Hazel, we meet other teens from her support group - Isaac (whose cancer has already claimed one eye and is threatening the one that remains) and Augustus (who had a "touch of cancer" previously that claimed a leg but now has a great prognosis).

The writing is witty and light despite the heavy subject matter. I mean, it's a book about teens with cancer - it's going to be heavy no matter how much levity you interject. I'm not sure how much research Green did into the lives of cancer patients but there were some very eye-opening depictions of what life is like for both the patients and their loved ones. From treatments to support to relapses to unfairness to death, many facets of Hazel's experience give interesting insights into how life goes on in the face of uncertainty.

The relationship between Augustus and Hazel is beautiful in its joy and its sadness as they bond over ordinary teenager interests (books, video games, music) and the drastic realities of prosthetic limbs, breathing tubes, and hospitalizations. You can read about their meeting in this excerpt.

The book was emotionally affecting in a way that is not only applicable to readers touched by cancer but to anyone who has ever loved, hoped, and experienced loss. Full disclosure - I cried. If you are okay with books that have the potential to make you cry, you may appreciate this book. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone in a depressive state and I'd advise caution to those with cancer in their immediate world.

For more discussions about this book, please visit the BlogHer Book Club site.

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own.

Oops

2012-03-21T10:00:00.000-04:00

Nothing to see here. Come back tomorrow.

Six Word Saturday

2012-03-17T03:02:00.000-04:00

a week of highs and lows

Finally, I Make My Husband Laugh

2012-03-13T11:08:00.001-04:00

My husband, Joe, has been at the SXSW Interactive festival in Austin since last Friday. He'll get home really late tonight. Part of me is a bit jealous because originally we both planned to go. (insert long rant about Joe's working making it impossible to plan ahead so it was a last-minute trip and too expensive for us both to attend)

A couple of days ago, we had the following conversation:

Joe: I scored 2 free tix to JayZ!
me: I didn't know you were a fan
Joe: I'm not - but FREE!
me: what will you do with the 2nd ticket?
Joe: some people are selling them
me: oh? you gonna do that?
Joe: no, gave mine away
me: is she hot?
Joe: haha
me: I'd like to point out that that's not an answer
Joe: haha

It's funny how he reads things I've written that are supposed to be funny and never even smiles. But I ask a question like that and get all kinds of laughs!

Good thing I trust that guy.

Six Word Saturday

2012-03-10T03:02:00.000-05:00

Spring is just around the corner

***Also, don't forget to change those clocks tonight if that applies to you!***

Friday Fragments

2012-03-09T09:07:00.001-05:00

I'm sure this whole Friday Fragments idea originated with someone and if you can tell me who that someone is, I will gladly give them credit.

Since I didn't write Tuesday or Thursday this week, let's just jump right in.

1. Joe left at 4am to head to Austin for SXSWi. It was a last-minute kind of trip due to last-minute BS where he works. I'm glad it worked out for him but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous - I wanted to go too but the last-minute nature of it was crazy expensive and also crazy chaotic. So, a few days here home alone with the kitties...

2. ...and a mouse. Yes, it's that time of year again, though about 2 months later than that time of year last year. Weird. And since I heard the mouse eating the stuff in the bait (don't judge, please, I've struggled with that decision enough), which may or may not still be effective, the pest control people won't come til Monday.

3. It's definitely Spring here. I need to change my blog header away from those snowflakes. Especially since they say "winter 2011."

4. Umm, I think that's about it. Which is why I probably didn't bother blogging earlier in the week.

Come back tomorrow for Six Word Saturday!

Six Word Saturday

2012-03-03T03:02:00.000-05:00

feeling too old for baby steps