Because it helps male and female victims of partner violence. That’s right, it recognizes that all victims of abuse need help, not just women victims. DAHMW was founded by Jan Brown in October 2000 in Harmony, Maine and has answered thousands of calls from men and women in crisis since that time.

Jan asked me to join the DAHMW Board of Directors in 2012. I officially joined January 2013 and am amazed at how much Jan, the Board and DAHMW volunteers have accomplished with such limited resources. Unsurprisingly, DAHMW does not get to wantonly feed at the VAWA, federal and state domestic violence monies trough like most women’s domestic violence organizations do. Since its inception, DAHMW has operated on an extremely lean budget — and Jan’s grit, determination and sheer force of will.

Some of you reading this may be familiar with the Earl Silverman tragedy. For those of you who are not, Mr. Silverman founded and ran the only men’s domestic violence shelter (MASH4077) in Canada for years. He recently killed himself in despair after having to close the shelter doors due to lack of funding.

Billions of dollars are spent each year on women’s domestic violence shelters, but not a farthing to help male victims and their children. Much like Mr. Silverman, DAHMW doesn’t have tens of thousands of dollars to sponsor events in which young college men are shamed into parading across campus in high heels, to dispense white feathers and other such contrived nonsense that doesn’t do a damed thing to stop partner violence, but does a great job of painting all men as rapists, pedophiles and wife beaters. DAHMW spends what little funding it receives to keep our hotline up and running for all victims of intimate partner violence regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race and religion.

Jan Brown explains DAHMW’s mission:

We collaborate with a number of the established women’s domestic violence shelters in the country that also understand that the human capacity for family violence is not limited or dictated by gender. DAHMW offers support and practical services to victims, to the best of our ability given our limited financial resources.

Our trained volunteer advocates  cover our toll free abuse helpline in shifts throughout the day and night. They take calls from victims, their family members and friends who are concerned about them, as well as social services agencies looking for referrals and supportive services for their male clients. 100% of our volunteers (and staff) are compassionate, caring people who want to make a difference in the lives of victims of domestic violence.

DAHMW is an organization with a lotta heart (say that with a down east accent!) that could use some helping hands and some spare change if you’ve got it.

Passing the Hat and Reaching Out for a Helping Hand 

If you would like to help DAHMW to keep their hotlines open and to continue to provide resources, very badly needed resources, for male victims of domestic violence, please consider making a donation. DAHMW is also in need of volunteers to operate our hotline.

To better understand the volunteer program, I asked Jan a few questions and here they are along with her replies:

1) What are the responsibilities and requirements of becoming a DAHMW volunteer?

Those interested in volunteering on our helpline must fill out a volunteer application and then set up a time to meet with our Intake Coordinator and Training Coordinator by teleconference. We do a reference and criminal background check. If the applicant is approved we invite them to our training group.

Before joining the training group, we ask potential volunteers to make a $45.00 tax deductible contribution to DAHMW (via our paypal link on our website) to help us defray the costs of the criminal background check, etc. If the $45.00 is a hardship, we may reduce or waive the donation.

Once in the training group, the trainee has up to six weeks to finish the reading, quizzes and assignments (we may extend the training time if there is good cause). Once the trainee successfully completes training, he or she will schedule a time to participate in a mock call session (more than one if needed). Once the trainee feels comfortable about taking helpline calls, he or she will choose an available shift (shifts are 4, 6, and 8 hours long). The line is then forwarded to the trainee’s cell phone or landline for that shift weekly. The Intake and Training Coordinators are always available by phone or email if the trainee has any further questions.

We require that our helpline advocates be “violence free,” IOW, not in an abusive relationship for at least one year prior to commencing our training. We ask volunteer helpline advocates to commit to one shift a week for one year. They must also attend monthly volunteer teleconferences, usually held on the 2nd or 3rd Sunday night of the month. These meetings are usually between 45 minutes and 2 hrs long depending on the subject being discussed and/or whether or not we have a guest speaker.

In addition we require helpline advocates to submit their volunteer hours weekly at a site that keeps track of our volunteer hours for us and to submit “call logs” (explained in more detail in our training) for each helpline call they take online at the end of each shift.

2) DAHMW is located in Maine. Can you be a volunteer if you don’t live in Maine? How does that work?

Those interested in volunteering with us can live anywhere in the country. Our agency is set up “virtually.” We use a call forwarding program to send the toll free helpline to helpline advocates phone for their shift, we communicate with each other via teleconference, email, group lists and chat. All a potential volunteer would need is a computer with an internet connection and a cell phone/landline with unlimited long distance. Of course, being a good listener and comfortable working with people in crisis is a must also.

3) You mentioned that all DAHMW volunteers take a training course. What does that entail?

The training course is made up of ten sections. Here is a sampling of the material covered: History of the Battered Women’s Movement, Dynamics of Intimate Partner Violence and Legal Issues for Victims of Intimate Partner Violence.

4) If men and women are interested in volunteering, how do they begin the process?

Send an email stating their interest in volunteering to Theresa Chow at: theresachow75@yahoo.com or Jan Brown at: dahmwagency@gmail.com

Thank you, Jan!

If you have been a victim of domestic violence, have found your way out of the abuse FOG (fear-obligation-guilt) and would like help others to escape that hell, becoming a volunteer would be a great place to begin.

If you are a Men’s Human Rights Activist and don’t know where to direct your efforts, volunteering with DAHMW is definitely a worthwhile cause.

Hope to hear from you!

For example, denigrating motherhood is taboo – fatherhood, not so much. Physical incest between family members is taboo. Emotional incest should be equally taboo, but let’s face it, our society – including mental health professionals and Family Court — often turns a blind eye when mothers emotionally incest their children by parentifying them, making them their surrogate spouses, confidantes, peers and emotional and physical caregivers. It is also taboo to break ties with one’s family, whether with a parent, child, sibling or grandparent, etc. Blood is thicker than water, but then again, so is bullshit.

Family may be the tie that binds, but it should not lock one into a permanent, gut-wrenching stranglehold of abuse, contempt, and financial, physical and emotional exploitation. Sharing genetic material is not a license to abuse a child, parent or other family member, carte blanche.

Sharing DNA means there is an obligation to take special care in your relationships with your family, not that you are obligated to tolerate a parent’s, sibling’s or child’s abuse because he or she swims in the same gene pool as you.

I have worked with many men and women, who have had to distance themselves, both emotionally and physically, and, in some cases, sever all ties from their parents, children and siblings after years of unrelenting and unrepentant abuse. These were not easy decisions for my clients who were wrought with guilt, anger, grief and other painful emotions.

The questions I ask in every case are, “If this person weren’t your mother or father or sister or brother or daughter or son, but were a colleague, acquaintance or friend and they treated you like this, would you have anything to do with them? Would you continue to turn the other cheek or would you cut them out of your life like a malignant tumor?”

When blood isn’t involved, it’s a no-brainer. You avoid abusive jerks, but when the abusive jerk is your mom or dad or your son or daughter, most people freeze like a deer caught in headlights at the thought of walking away. This is the aforementioned cultural taboo in full effect.

The emotional torment doesn’t stop after making the difficult choice to end a relationship with an abusive adult child, sibling or parent. Many individuals who make this painful, but rational and healthy decision are plagued with guilt, doubt and societal and familial pressure to maintain the relationship at any cost and in spite of the ongoing abuse. That’s when the Kumbaya Forgiveness Police (*thank you to whenthescapegoatquits for that expression) and well-intentioned, but clueless friends, other family members, pastors and many mental health professionals start the chorus:

But they’re your children. You only have one mother. You only have one father. Blood is thicker than water. Family is family. You have to forgive your family. What kind of a son or daughter doesn’t talk to their mom or dad? What kind of heartless monster won’t have anything to do with his or her children? I know your mother/father misses and loves you. She/he doesn’t understand why you won’t talk to him/her. No one will ever love you like your mother. As a parent, you should never give up on your children! Your children are your children forever.

I am not encouraging anyone to frivolously end a relationship with a young child, teen, adult child or other family member over minor transgressions or the garden variety, forgivable hurts that occur in all families. Severing ties with a family member is not something to be taken lightly and probably shouldn’t be done until you are either an adult (if you’re the child of an abusive parent) or until your children have reached the age where you can no longer intervene by getting them into effective therapy with an unbiased therapist who recognizes and knows how to treat parental alienation and manage an alienating parent who is hell-bent on poisoning children and destroying your child-parent relationship.

If your child is being alienated from you, you MUST do your best to intervene as soon as possible. The seeds of lifelong alienation can be sown in a very short time – like the time it takes to get a BS restraining order obtained against you under false pretenses dismissed, for instance. Or, while you’re supporting your family at work during the day while you’re still married, again, for instance.

It’s not unusual for otherwise healthy adults to have some bitterness during and shortly after the divorce process, which oftentimes spills out onto the children. Healthy reasonable adults realize that a child deserves both a loving mother and father, set aside their differences and get on with the business of co-parenting their children.

But there are many individuals who do not move past divorce bitterness and embark on lifelong campaigns to deprive their former partners of loving relationships with their children. Approximately 20% to 30% of divorces and custody disputes are considered high-conflict. It’s no surprise that this is approximately the same percentage of the population that suffers from some form of personality disorder. It is also a fact that both men and women engage in parental alienation, but alienation is much more effective when conducted by the custodial parent, of which 82% are mothers.

Parental alienation does not end at the age of 18. Alienated children often become lifelong foot soldiers in the alienating parent’s campaign of hatred and destruction. I suspect that, if some form of personality disorder is at play with the alienating parent, that it may become manifest in the alienated child – either through genetic heritability, modeling or both.

Whatever the underlying causes, it sets up the alienated parent, who is often the father, to become the emotional punching bag/disposable ATM for his ex and his children. There’s a bitter irony that a man, who makes the brave decision to end an abusive relationship with a cruel and sadistic and possibly crazy woman, then has his own children groomed to abuse him by proxy. It’s sick. It’s wrong. And it should be criminal and grounds for a permanent change of custody.

If you are facing this dilemma, whether you’re the parent of an alienated child or the adult child of one of these sadistic sick twists, here are some points and questions for you to consider when contemplating “divorcing” your kids, parents or siblings:

1. Is the family member in question an adult or a minor? If they’re a minor, are they old enough to know right from wrong? For example, a 14-year old should know that it is wrong to be deliberately disrespectful and cruel more so than a 3-year old child.

2. If the child is a minor, have you done your best to get them psychological help to undo the damage of the alienating parent?

3. Have you acknowledged, owned and tried to make amends for any mistakes or hurts that you have made in your relationship with the child or other family member?

4. If the child or family member is an adult, have you explicitly told them that their behavior is hurtful? In other words, have you tried to establish boundaries and rules of acceptable engagement?

5. If you have established clear boundaries, have you specified natural and meaningful consequences when they encroach your boundaries? For example, “I love you. You are my daughter, but it is unacceptable for you to insult me and my new wife, refuse to see me and then expect me to pay for your college tuition.” Or, “I love you. You are my son, but I will not continue to reach out to you if you continue to ignore me or treat me with disrespect.” Or, “You are my mother and I love you, but it is not okay for you to yell and scream at me about what a shitty daughter I am, how ungrateful I am and that no one cares about you. I am going to hang up when you act like that.”

6. Does your adult child, sibling or parent vilify and abuse you further for trying to establish healthy boundaries and limits? For example, do they think you’re being abusive, controlling, over-sensitive, etc., for wanting to be treated with basic kindness, consideration, respect and civility? Do they try to portray you as the “bad dad” or “bad child” or “bad sister or brother” for not wanting to tolerate their abuse?

7. Instead of honoring your reasonable requests to improve their behavior toward you, do they cry to anyone who will listen to them that there’s something wrong with you and that you’re the one who needs help?

If you answered yes to these questions, you probably have ample reason to consider going Low Contact or No Contact with your child, parent or other family member. Again, this is not an easy decision for most people and it may be necessary for you to work with a support professional in order to release yourself from the FOGgy (fear-obligation-guilt), psychological family bondage.

Since not all helping professionals are cut from the same cloth, you may want to screen a potential therapist for his or her views on these matters before you begin working with them. Anyone who encourages you to maintain an ongoing abusive relationship is best avoided and viewed as an abuse apologist and enabler – that goes for whether the person abusing you is an adult child, parent or spouse and whether or not they have a personality disorder. There is no excuse for abuse, including the excuse of a personality disorder.

Ending a relationship with someone who abuses you is often a healthy and necessary choice – even if that person is a family member. It is healthy to disconnect yourself from a family member who abuses you in the name of love and uses their privilege as parent, child, sibling, cousin or grandparent to do so. Although, there are many individuals (usually abuse enablers and apologists or people who are fortunate to have never had an emotional terrorist in their life) who will try to paint you as some kind of heartless, unnatural monster for doing so. In reality, it is the abusers who are unnatural and heartless because they are doing the psychological equivalent of cannibalizing their own flesh and blood.

Abuse is typically generational and cyclical. Abusive personalities rarely stop of their own accord. If you want it to stop, you will have to break the chain. Just remember, if you can put up with their abuse you are strong enough to distance yourself and put an end to it.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Are you still obsessing about a crazy, abusive ex-girlfriend or ex-wife? Do you still compare the “chemistry” you had with her to every subsequent woman you’ve encountered and find them lacking? Especially women who appear to be kind, loving and stable?

Do you torture yourself with “what if’” and “if only” thinking? Do you hold on to the few good times and minimize the abusive behaviors to which you were subjected? Are you still making excuses for her? Do you still believe she is the “love of your life?” Are your friends and family tired of listening to you talk about her or him?

If so, you are stuck and you don’t need me to tell you it’s an awful place to be. You’re stuck, but odds are, you’re not stuck on her. I frequently work with men and women who are painfully stuck. They grind through the same ruminations over and over and over again and just can’t seem to let go of Crazy.

The discomfort and pain they exhibit while enumerating their obsessions, wishful thinking, longing, shock and awe is palpable. Oftentimes, men and women who have a history of being attracted to abusive partners come from families in which one or both parents were similarly abusive.

This is not always the case. Nice boys and girls from nice families are also targets for abusive, personality disordered partners. This article is primarily for men and women who were groomed during childhood to accept abuse from the people who “love” them, but can also be applied to nice girls and boys who were raised to always turn the other cheek, to always keep the peace and to only see the good in people.

If you’re stuck on an abusive ex or still in a relationship with an abusive partner, but can’t break free because you “love” her, you need to wake up. The abusive ex or partner is not some irreplaceable, special snowflake. She or he is not the end all be all — I don’t care how good the sex is or how good the sex was. She is not your soul mate. She is not the one. She is not your destiny, unless you believe that you’re fated to spend your life in misery. In reality, you’re probably not hung up on her, but on old childhood wounds and the fantasies you have built around her that have nothing to do with who she is in reality. Most likely, she represents a chance at a new outcome to an old hurt.

Crazy is probably nothing more than the embodiment of your unresolved childhood issues and your blind, childish insistence that things work out differently this time. If the descriptions of high-conflict, Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic and Sociopathic women on Shrink4Men resonate with you, your “love” is more than likely nothing more than an incredibly damaged, self-obsessed, emotionally stunted, psychologically immature, entitled, manipulative, selfish, empathy challenged, blame shifting, unaccountable, abusive child or teen in an adult body who is incapable of love.

You have likely constructed a fantasy around this woman or man. It is time to stop the “what if’s” and “if only’s” deconstruct the fantasy. You need to distinguish what is an act from what is fact (thank you, Mell) when it comes to your Crazy ex or partner. Ignore her or his words and emotional performances and really look at her or his behaviors. That is usually where the truth of this person lies — as opposed to their words.

But what if I just try harder to reason with her? No. Logic, facts and reason only anger a woman like this.

But what if I just try to be more patient and understanding? No. Being more patient and understanding only makes you an easier and more submissive victim.

I’m not perfect. There are things I could have done differently. No one’s perfect and becoming angry and hurt in response to being abused is a natural and healthy response. Smiling through the abuse and pretending like everything is okay is not okay. Staying, tolerating more abuse and calling it “love” is supremely unhealthy and only leads to more abuse.

I did everything she wanted. How could she just throw everything away and treat me like she did? Please reread the paragraphs above, take a breath, get off the hamster wheel and stop spinning.

In some ways, the folks who get stuck on Crazy remind me of little kids who want to make house pets out of wild and dangerous animals. But what if I’m really, really, super special sweet to Rhonda Rattlesnake and extra, extra patient and loving? Surely she’ll see what a good boy I am and love me back. If I feed her mice whole, take her out for a slither 3x a day, play with her and let her sleep in my bed, she’ll love me, too, and won’t ever sink her fangs in my jugular and pump venom into my carotid artery!

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This is not how it works. Predators prey. Emotional terrorists terrorize.

If you enforce boundaries, hold them accountable and deliver effective natural consequences for their predations, they will move on to find a new unsuspecting target to feed upon. That’s how it works, no matter how patient, loving and kind you are. It’s the law of the jungle.

Grieving Crazy or grieving your past?

If there are similarities between your abusive partner or ex and one or both of your parents, please understand that you are no more likely to get the love, acceptance and approval you desperately want from this woman or man than you were from your mom or dad. You are trying to obtain an emotionally corrective experience from someone who is no more capable of loving you than your parent(s) who did the original damage.

If you’re torturing yourself with questions like, “What if I try explaining things differently?” or “What if I try harder?” or any other “What-if’s,” please stop and ask yourself if you had similar feelings and thoughts when you were a child? Did you have your parents’ love and approval or were you consistently told “not good enough?” Did you feel you had to work hard to earn your parents’ love while they continually moved the goal post? Did your parent(s) put you in no-win situations? Did you parent(s) parentify you (i.e., make you, the child, responsible for taking care of them emotionally and/or physically?) Did your parents’ blame you for their bad and abusive behavior?

Abusive and/or personality disordered parents make their children feel responsible for their rages, cruelty, and withholding of affection and approval and abusive, personality disordered women and men do the same thing to their partners, exes and children.

In reality, it is the parent who is damaged, but causes the child to believe he or she is flawed or bad and that if only he or she was smarter, faster, more attractive, more quiet, more responsible, more something, then mom or dad would love them and be nicer to him or her. It’s a real mindf—-.

Many of the men and women I work with have similar beliefs and feelings about their abusive partners and exes. They’ve got it backwards. Even if they intellectually understand they’ve got it backwards, the old beliefs, feelings and fears from childhood persist. They also make similar excuses for the abusive partner or ex that they did for their parents. “She had a rough childhood. She was abused. Her father was an alcoholic. She’s really emotional. It’s my fault for doing . . .”

Again, these types of abusive personalities are nothing special. They are uncannily similar right down to their speech and tone of voice. You have probably constructed a fantasy around this woman that has nothing to do with who she is in reality. The fantasy is just that – a fantasy – and it is part of what is keeping you stuck.

There are bad people in the world. Bad things can happen to good people no matter how nice they are. Smart good people understand this and distance themselves from bad people who will do bad things to them if given the opportunity.

If you had shitty parents, it was not your fault. You were not responsible for the way they treated you. They were the adults and their behavior is on them and only them. The same goes for your abusive partner or ex. The difference is that you now have agency and resources that you didn’t have as a child. You can walk. Yes, even if you share children, you can walk.

Typically, the biggest glitches seem to be fear and confusing giving up on and letting go of the abusive partner/ex with giving up on receiving the love and approval you always wanted from the abusive parent. Giving up and letting go of being able to win over your abusive parent/partner/ex then becomes confused with personal failure and blaming yourself for being “unlovable.”

REALITY CHECK: You can’t get someone to love you who is incapable of love and you can’t “fail” at something that’s impossible to “win” — like turning Rhonda/Ricky Rattlesnake into Betty/Bobby Beagle. Not going to happen no matter how wonderful you are.

You can’t love an abusive personality into treating you well because you are not the reason they abuse others and anyone else who gets close enough to them. Just like Crazy isn’t special, you’re not special either. Crazy does the same dance over and over and over again. The only thing that changes is Crazy’s target du jour. Your love is not going to “save” or “fix” Crazy. And again, is this really about “the love of your life” or not being loved the way you needed to be loved by an equally effed up parent?

Mourning and letting go of the Crazy ex will take discipline and effort. It may seem callous, but you basically need to snap out of it, redirect your thoughts when you start ruminating and reliving your relationship with Crazy, get the hell on with it and start sifting through and grieving the original damage from childhood. In many cases, I believe that those who get stuck on Crazy as an adult, are suffering the effects of reopening narcissistic injuries suffered in childhood.

In a nutshell (pun intended), Crazy rips off the old scabs and grinds salt in your wounds. In this respect, your Crazy ex or partner does serve a useful purpose. If you can connect the dots back to the original damage, stare it down, feel the feelings that arise, and release yourself from the fear of looking at and feeling these things, you (hopefully) won’t have to do this phantom dance with Crazy anymore.

First things first, the next time you catch yourself missing Crazy and wistfully ruminating, “but I love her/him,” I want you to stop, give yourself a mental shake and say, “I don’t love her. I am missing the love I never received as a child” and take it from there . . .

Valentine’s Day can be a downer if you’re alone or, even worse, if you’re still with your CB. As many of you know, Crazy often implodes on and around holidays and other special occasions.

For those of you who are still with your CB, stay safe and remember, no matter what you do, you can’t win. Therefore, I suggest a modest bouquet of flowers and a card if you must pay tribute to “pharaoh.”

For those of you who are waxing nostalgic and missing your Crazy Ex this Valentine’s Day, Shrink4Men is proud to bring you the CB Patch.

What is the CB Patch?

It is the brainchild of CrazyBuster, Micksbabe. In a nutshell:

I wish they would invent some sort of patch to wean yourself off of a CB. Like, when you are sitting at home, lamenting about how much you miss the “good times,” the patch would jump off your arm, kick you in the crotch and call you a loser.

Happy V-Day, everyone.

Grieving

At the end of an otherwise healthy relationship between two reasonable, rational adults, the former partners are typically able to give one another closure. Abusive women and men, especially personality disordered women and men (Sociopaths, Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics, High-Conflict People – henceforth known as Crazy) do not do closure. Crazy blame shifts, Hoovers and/or disappears.

It is also difficult to let go of Crazy because of the high degree of ambiguity this kind of relationship creates. Did she ever really love you? Was any of it real? Maybe you’re the crazy one? What if you’d tried harder (i.e., withstood more of her abuse)?

This is almost always compounded if Crazy immediately partners up with her next target/sucker/people pleasing knight in shining armor/enabler/accomplice. How could she move on so quickly when you’re still grinding through the loss and trying to make sense of everything? Will she be different with the next guy? What if you had hung in there? Would she be telling her Facebook sycophants how she’s never been so happy and so in love with you instead of him?

This type of woman repeats the same behaviors over and over again in her relationships. She has a script in her head that she force fits new partners into whether they like it or not. She’s the eternal victim and boyfriend/husband du jour is her hero until she decides he’s the villain and presto change-o — he’s a “jerk” like all the other “jerks” before him. This phenomenon is described in Crazy Bitch the Musical! The Abusive Woman’s Script and Why She Won’t Be Different with the Next Guy.

When Crazy seeks to replace you, she will usually:

1. Find another people pleasing, rescuer, Nice Guy type who is eager to prove he’s not like the “bad men” who hurt her in the past. Men like this will take a number and eagerly queue up for their fair share of abuse. If and when they ever wake up and realize they’re being abused, they start looking for answers.

Some find Shrink4Men and other similar resources. They begin to understand that no amount of patience, love and understanding will end their wife’s or girlfriend’s abuse, they cannot “save” or “fix” Crazy, that they have issues of their own to address – particularly their willingness to tolerate abuse in a love relationship – and that it is necessary to have personal boundaries and limits in love. Some men, sadly, will get bad advice from female-biased, enabling/apologist therapists, ministers, family and friends to be even more patient, understanding and vulnerable with their abusers and, essentially, to continue to allow their female abusers to keep abusing them and their children.

2. Downgrade to another professional victim/abuser/loser. Sometimes, this manifests in the classic narcissist-borderline pairing, which actually works. Better to let two disordered people cannibalize each other instead of inflicting their abuse on the rest of the population.

If this is true of your situation, remember, she’s a crazy a-hole and he’s a crazy a-hole. They deserve one another and you deserve much, much better. The only wrinkle is if you share children with Crazy. Then you have two selfish, destructive, immature jerks to contend with while trying to nurture and protect your kids.

Downgrade Boyfriends are the guys who stand by and do nothing when Crazy abuses the children or willingly become her enforcer. These are the guys who step into the role of “newer, better Daddy”and either passively go along with or assist your ex in trying to alienate the children from you. These are the guys who do nothing when your ex denies you custody time. These are the guys who puff out their chests and let you know there’s a “new sheriff” in town, so you’d better toe the line. These are the guys who are unemployed or underemployed and move in with your ex and sponge off of your alimony and child support monies. These are the guys who buy gifts for your kids with your child support money and then tell your kids that you are the deadbeat.

Sociopaths (and people with sociopathic traits such as BPDs/NPDs/HPDs) don’t have friends — they have accomplices and victims. When Crazy downgrades to the type of guy described above, it can be extremely confusing for the Nice Guys who have been killing themselves (sometimes literally) to try to be the best husbands/boyfriends they can be and make Crazy happy (i.e., mission impossible).

She said I didn’t work hard enough or earn enough money, but Mr. Wonderful only has a part-time job.

She used to tell me I was a stupid, pathetic loser, but Mr. Wonderful doesn’t even have a college degree.

She used to accuse me of being an alcoholic because I enjoyed a couple of beers on weekends, but Mr. Wonderful is known as the town bar fly.

It’s confusing when Crazy re-couples with the loser, slacker, drunk, etc., she accused you of being. You did your best to be the man Crazy claims she wants you to be and then she pairs up with the kind of man she claims to not want. This is frequently a post-divorce WTF moment for many men.

Remember, Crazy is crazy and actions speak louder than words.

Nice Guy Mistake # 1

This is one of the biggest and most common mistakes Nice Guys make in their relationships with Crazy – they listen to Crazy’s words and ignore Crazy’s actions. More often than not, the truth lies in what Crazy does, not what she says. If you’re paying close attention, Crazy will sometimes confess/speak the truth, but these moments are fleeting and ephemeral.

The more you improve yourself, the more you act with integrity, the healthier you become, the more Crazy devalues and abuses you. The more you give Crazy what she says she wants, the more vicious, angry and/or withdrawn she becomes. You basically get punished for being a good person and giving Crazy exactly what she says she wants.

Partners act as mirrors for one another. This is one of the reasons water seeks its own level and birds of a feather flock together. When you are a fundamentally decent, kind, hardworking person, you make Crazy look bad in comparison. She resents your good qualities because, on some level, she knows she does possess them — whether she can admit this to herself or not — and she begins to resent and hate you for it.

If Crazy cannot possess your good qualities, then she will try to bring you down to her level by provoking and baiting you (e.g., antagonizing you until you become angry and yell at her) or she will try to destroy you or make you disappear.

Nice Guy Mistake # 2

The second biggest and most common mistake Nice Guys make with Crazy is believing Crazy’s damsel in distress – professional victim shtick. Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled.

Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled.

Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued, she doesn’t want to be better if it means she has to do the work to get there and Crazy definitely doesn’t want you holding her accountable and pointing out how she creates most of her problems herself. Meaning, Crazy doesn’t want you to help her to become a functioning, healthy, mature, responsible, gainfully employed adult. Crazy wants you to put up with her shit and clean up her messes and thank her for the privilege of letting you do so.

Enter Downgrade Boyfriend.

Like two addicts who enable each others’ addictions, Downgrade Boyfriend doesn’t make Crazy feel bad because he’s just as dysfunctional, self-serving and reptilian as she is.

This article was sparked by an online conversation with some of Shrink4Men’s CrazyBusters about the kinds of men their husband’s crazy exes paired up with post-divorce. SW explains:

Crazy truly married the anti-Jack.

She married Jack’s opposite in every single way possible — physically, religious practices, morals, work ethic, education, ambition, fidelity, parenting……

Jack is and was a good honest man. When Crazy met him, he was still a kid, stupid, naive and she made it her full-time job to emasculate him and keep him groveling to her. She was really good at it, but instead of letting her have control of everything, he just disconnected from her emotionally and withdrew. She couldn’t dominate someone who ignored her.

So, she pursued Drunko, a man who was already in many ways broken. Not because he was beaten down by anything, because he chose a life path that was revolting and he liked being a creep. She could be the superior one and, because he came from the same religious background, she could guilt him into almost anything.

She could also be revolting and wicked with him and never be judged. Jack always will be a person to tell others that they need to get right with whatever higher power the believe in. Believe how you want, but live your values. Jack will not participate in things he believes are wrong.

If he were Adam from the garden of Eden, he’d have made a lot of mistakes, but he would not have eaten that apple, just because Eve did. Crazy wanted a man who would not only  eat the apple, but get others to eat it so they could prove that what they did was not wrong.

I personally think Drunko is physically repulsive, he looks worse as the years progress and he buries himself deeper into this mentally ill life he shares with Crazy.

If your ex-Crazy has paired up with Downgrade Boyfriend she is dating or married to the proverbial “bird of a feather.”

Nice Guy Mistake # 3

Nice guys who aren’t quite ready to jump off the Crazy hamster wheel may see Downgrade Boyfriend as yet one more thing they need to rescue Crazy from. If this applies to you, no, you don’t need to rescue Crazy from Downgrade Boyfriend. No, really, you don’t.

By now, you should have learned that Crazy doesn’t do anything or anyone she doesn’t want to do. Nor does she do anything that doesn’t benefit her in some way – especially if it enables her dysfunction and hurts you.

If Crazy actually wanted to be with a good man, she’d be with you. If Crazy actually wanted to be with a good man, she wouldn’t have invested so much time and energy trying to turn you into a male-version of herself.

Many men see Downgrade Boyfriend as evidence that they weren’t “good enough.” If she wants to be with him, then I must be the loser she always said I was. If you’re succumbing to this kind of self-defeating thinking, stop and reality test. Is your behavior consistent in your relationships? If so, do your friends and family think you’re as awful as Crazy thinks you are? 

Downgrade Boyfriend is not evidence that you’re all the rotten things Crazy accused you of being. He’s not better than you. She’s simply found a mirror image of herself to “love” or whatever passes for love in their world. Having integrity, honor and strength of character is a liability with Crazy and so is kindness, generosity and a sense of fair play.

Let go of Crazy’s distorted thinking, mourn the loss of the person you thought you fell in love with when you first met, figure out what attracted you to Crazy and what caused you to tolerate her abuse, heal and when you’re ready, if you’re so inclined, be open to meeting a woman who is an upgrade.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

So you’ve gone through the soul-sucking, painful and expensive process of ridding yourself of your Crazy Ex and now, understandably, you are lonely and would like to test the proverbial waters and find a woman to spend some time with and maybe, just maybe, you can find a woman who loves you as much as you love her, get married and live happily ever after.

It’s possible.

I know people who met their spouses on the Internet. It’s also understandable that, at this point, you might be a little gun shy, given that before the Crazy Ex pulled off her mask, you truly believed she was “THE ONE”.

Lots of good, decent and sane people are looking for love on the Internet. It’s the wave of the future.

Social networking is quicker and easier than in-person networking. You don’t even need to leave your chair (or your car, if you have the right App). You can shop for mates the way you shop for Christmas gifts on Amazon.

What would really be helpful though, is if Internet dating “shoppers” could leave unbiased reviews just like Amazon customers do.  For example, “I bought this convection oven six months ago and it’s already broken with no warranty!”

What if previous suitors on dating sites could leave reviews like, “This contestant looks nothing like her profile picture!”  Or, “This woman killed my cat in a fit of rage!”

It would be good to get a heads-up of this nature when looking for your next potential mate. Basically, there are only two ways to protect yourself — be a Psychic or learn to recognize Internet dating red flags.

For those not psychically inclined, I’ve noticed a few red flags that might be helpful in learning to weed through the Crazies.

1. “My Baby’s Daddy is a DEADBEAT!!!”

Her ex might be a “deadbeat.”  He also may  just be her ex and she’s pissed about being divorced. Either way, it doesn’t matter because, right or wrong, this chick is ANGRY and she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Certainly not another future “deadbeat.”

2. “My CHILDREN are my WORLD!!!!”

Odds are, if you selected the “Divorced” option on your preferences list, you’re going to meet divorced women who have children (just like you may have children). It’s great that she wants people to know that she loves her kids. In most cases, this goes without saying (and should go without saying).  However, if her children are her “world” then she needs to give her children a reprieve and get her own world – one where her children can just be children and not the reason she hasn’t offed herself yet.

Ironically, every woman I’ve ever met who uses this phrase, also uses her children as a prop to either garner sympathy for being a “single muuuther,” or as leverage against their “deadbeat” father to extort money. If you read or hear this phrase spoken, drop your laptop, phone or eating utensil and run. Don’t look back. Unless you can see she’s chasing you, then run faster.

3. “I live with my parents.”

We all occasionally fall on hard times and sometimes our parents are there to help us pick up the pieces. TEMPORARILY. Then there are people who spend their lives looking for someone else to pick up their pieces. There is a very fine line here.

You are well within your rights to inquire as to how long, and if ever she has lived completely on her own. Being able to stand on our own two feet without the support of others is a benchmark of being a grown up. It’s also what all of us need in a partner – someone that can give as well as take.

If you find out that a potential Internet mate has never lived on her own resources, she is a DEPENDENT and will likely always be a dependent. Don’t let her become yours.

4. “Accept me as I am.”

If this woman were a car, she would have a sticker that says, “As is. No warranty.” In Crazy-speak, “Accept me as I am,” means, “You are never allowed to disagree with or criticize me in any way. Ever.”  This is unacceptable in a relationship.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to disagree on an issue and not come to blows. Your partner doesn’t have the right to decide how you feel. This candidate does not know how to be in a relationship. Do not “accept” her wink or nod or flirt or icebreaker.

5. “I want a real man.”

By all scientific definitions, a “real” man has an XY chromosome combination and male genitalia. What does she mean by “real” man?  I can only guess.

It likely means that she hates her Daddy and you and every man before you and after you will fail to be a “real” man because her expectations are unrealistic and because you are not, after all, her Daddy. Block her from contacting you.

6. “I’m new to this internet dating thingy.”

Unless she’s just recently become single, she’s probably lying. You can check the “member since” on a lot of dating sites.

Why would someone want to lie about how long they’ve been on a dating site?  Because they’ve sent countless men running for their lives and they don’t want you to do the same.  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Rather I should say questions that cannot be easily answered by anyone telling the truth.

For his trouble his has been assaulted (by an anti-domestic violence advocate no less) pushed around by authorities, and in the latest round was railroaded into court and convicted of disturbing the peace, even when video of his actions taken by courthouse cameras proved beyond any doubt that the testimony offered against him was false.

Of course, when the cops, prosecutor, judge and complainant (who works in the court) all want a conviction, then false testimony will hardly stand in the way of Law and Order in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.

And that is what they got, riding Daddy Justice on a railroad that Southern Pacific would be proud of. Here’s the video documenting this:

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

The whole story is worth more than passing glance, because more than any other story in recent times, it highlights and accentuates exactly how corrupt our court officials have become. In this case they barely even tried to cover their lies.

We invite you to join us Monday night at 8:00 PM Central Time, January 21, 2013 (2:00am GMT Jan. 22), for a special edition of AVFM Radio with Dr. Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam, who will interview Daddy Justice about his recent trip to Kangaroo Kourt, and about false allegations in general. The call in number is 310-388-9709.

SHOW PAGE

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

1.)   Overturn several mathematical  errors Lori Jackson made in a previous ruling. Jackson’s errors would cost Col. Kirk a great deal of money he does not have because it never existed.

Jackson held Kirk in contempt for non-payment even though she admitted to making the errors. Jackson decided to uphold her errors because she did not believe they were “that big of a mistake.” Jackson told Joel she would expunge the contempt charge if he paid the non-existent money specified in her previous ruling even though she acknowledged her calculations were wrong. Believe it or not, Jackson used to be an accountant.

2.)   Overturn Jackson’s August 2012 decision to give 50/50 custody to Tina and Joel and the implication that Tina would eventually be given full primary custody. Jackson made this ruling despite overwhelming evidence that Tina is an emotionally abusive and physically violent, untreated Borderline Personality Disordered, drug and alcohol abusing parent who has yet to undergo treatment for these issues.

GAL REPORT

AUDIO FILE

Even though the Kirk children’s physical safety and emotional well-being are at stake, Matish deferred making a ruling for 60 days and inexplicably mirrored Lori Jackson’s sentiments by proclaiming:

“This case is quite disturbing in the behavior of both parties. Ms. Kirk for her substance abuse and Mr. Kirk for filming from a dark room.”

Male victims of abusive women, especially borderline personality disordered women, frequently have to record their abuses because it is the only way anyone will believe them. It is common practice for attorneys and therapists specializing in these cases to advise clients with BPD spouses to do exactly what Joel did – document the abuse. At Shrink4Men, we call this the ABR Rule (Always Be Recording).

Before Jackson replaced Judge Cornelia Reep, Col. Kirk had advised the court repeatedly about Tina’s abusive behavior and substance abuse problems, but his concerns were ignored. It was only after he produced video evidence that CPS and the court began to take the problem seriously, that is until Jackson was given the case.

Would Matish have condemned Tina for filming Joel from a “dark room” if he was the abuser or commended her for trying to protect the children and herself? Matish appears to either be ignorant or be operating under a woefully disturbing double standard when it comes to female abusers or both.

Meanwhile, it is nearly 120 days since the September appeal hearing and Matish has yet to make a ruling. Perhaps Matish naively believes Tina’s violent and abusive episode captured on the June 28, 2009 video (above audio file) was an isolated incident. In reality, it is just the tip of the iceberg. AVFM and Shrink4Men have so many audio files documenting Tina’s abuse of Col. Kirk and the children that we are still going through them months after receiving them.

One can only speculate why Matish has allowed these two issues, one very urgent because it involves the safety of minors, to sit on his desk for almost 4 months. One can only speculate why he needed to adjourn at all to fix another Judge’s admitted mathematical error.

How Many Judges Does It Take to Divorce a Borderline?

Over the last 3.5 years, the Kirk case has had five judges. Five judges.

Judge Cornelia Reep: She recused herself due to a conflict of interest after Tina fired her original family law lawyer, who she still owes $18,000, and hired personal injury attorney, Thomas G. Smith. Reep represented Smith in his divorce when she was a practicing attorney. Smith and associates appear to be working on a contingency fee basis, which is illegal in West Virginia family law cases.

Reep ruled that the children should have no contact with their mother until Tina  underwent treatment and was deemed safe by the children’s therapist and the GAL. Therefore, Reep had to go so Tina could get in front of the only other Harrison County Family Court judge who just happens to be a close family friend of one of Tina’s drinking buddies, Celeste Clutter. Thomas G. Smith’s law firm coincidentally happens to be one of Clutter’s biggest clients at the radio station where Celeste works in sales.

Judge Lori B. Jackson: Jackson’s malfeasance, enabling of child abuse and multiple conflicts of interest are evident. Jackson ruled that the children’s visitation with Tina would resume, unsupervised, against the protests of the GAL and the children’s therapist.

Judge James A. Matish: See above.

State Supreme Court Justice Menis E. Ketchum: In early October 2012, Justice Ketchum recused Jackson due to the Internet coverage of the Kirk case on AVFM, Shrink4Men and other websites. Ketchum should have recused Jackson for gross incompetence, judicial malfeasance, multiple conflicts of interest and for her reckless endangerment of the Kirk children.

Judge J. Jeffrey Culpepper: Justice Ketchum appointed Monongalia County Judge Culpepper to replace Jackson. However, Judge Culpepper cannot rule on the Kirk case in its entirety because Matish, a colleague of Jackson’s, continues to sit on Col. Kirk’s appeal. One also wonders why Matish has not handed the appeal to Matish. It would certainly help to simplify things in the Harrison County Dysfunctional Family Court Circus.

So that’s 3.5 years, 5 judges and no resolution for the Kirk children and LtCol. Kirk.

Dumpster Diving for Dollars

Tina Kirk’s four ambulance chasing personal injury attorneys, Thomas G. Smith, Esq., Jamison H. Cooper, Esq., Afton Leanne Huston, Esq. and Daniel C. Cooper, Esq. (the husband of Jamison Cooper) deny Tina’s abuse — even after watching the video, the GAL report, the therapist’s testimony and psychiatric evaluations. They claim it was an isolated incident because “Joel got Tina drunk” and has since attended anger management counseling at her new church.

First, there is no documentation that Tina has undergone treatment by a credentialed mental health professional that specializes in BPD and substance abuse. Sorry, but a few confabs with Pastor “Suffer the Little Children,” a few crocodile tears and a few prayer circles is not a cure for either Borderline Personality Disorder or alcoholism — except perhaps in Lori Jackson’s court. It remains to be seen whether this also applies to Matish’s court.

Second, there are many photos of Tina taken after June 2009, partying it up on different occasions, drink in hand.

Third, the last thing the partner of an out-of-control, violent BPD wants is for her or him to get drunk. BPD and alcohol can be a dangerous combination and no one in their right mind would want to expose themselves or their children to that.

Fourth, AVFM and Shrink4Men have received recent reports of ongoing abuse by Tina Kirk toward their two children, including a public display of abuse in December 2012. After AVfM ran The Real Housewives of Harrison County on October 8, 2012, one of the housewives contacted Paul Elam via email, providing us with additional information.

This housewife of Harrison County reported that Tina was so drunk the night of the party documented in the photos in The Real Housewives article, that she got into a screaming match with her bouncer boyfriend in Celeste Clutter’s driveway and was asked to leave.

We also have reports from other community members that Tina has begun yet another smear campaign by approaching the children’s educators and extracurricular activity instructors claiming Joel is abusing his children without providing a shred of evidence to substantiate her claims.

Smear campaigns are textbook Borderline behavior. Borderlines typically initiate smear campaigns during divorce and custody proceedings (and sometimes during the relationship) in an attempt to cover up abuse that they are actually committing. Smear campaigns are just a public form of projection, misinformation and redirection.

Furthermore, Judge Culpepper placed a gag order on both Kirks in December 2012, so it would appear that Tina is in violation of the gag order as she goes about Harrison County slandering Col. Kirk.

Tina Kirk’s abuse of the Kirk children is active and ongoing. It is not “in the past” nor is it an “isolated incident.” Yet Judge Matish continues to let this case drag on. In doing so, he is enabling the abuse of children just like Lori B. Jackson. That makes two judges in Harrison County demonstrating abject indifference to child abuse. What are the odds?

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

I never hear from self-identified narcissists, sociopaths and histrionics, well, until recently. A few weeks ago, I received an email from a self-identified histrionic woman, which will be the subject of it’s very own future article, Self-Pitying Sociopaths.

Over the years, I’ve noticed several themes and patterns in these messages:

1. Concern Trolls. These messages are from women who feel compelled to warn me about how “dangerous” it would be if the information on Shrink4Men fell into the “wrong hands.” Typically, these comments go something like this: “While it’s true some men may be abused, have you ever considered what would happen if your posts fell into the wrong hands? What if an abusive man found your articles and used them to abuse his wife?”

Um, you mean like what can and does happen with the glut of domestic violence websites and resources that solely focus on female victims and male perpetrators? Tell you what, I’ll take down my information when the female abuse victim-focused websites do, m’kay?

Another variation on this theme is a certain kind defensive comment from women who want me to know that, “Men can be abusive, too! Why do you only focus on male victims?!” Whenever I receive this particular comment, my eyes roll so hard they have to do a wind-up first. One has to wonder if the women who express this concern are so self-obsessed that they have neglected to notice the abject lack of resources for men and boys who are  victims of emotional, physical and social violence? By the way, that was a rhetorical question.

2. Don’t paint all BPDs with the same brush! For the record, I don’t paint all individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder with the same brush. For those individuals who have been diagnosed with BPD and have made the commitment to enter and stay in treatment, I truly wish you the best. It is difficult and painful work with arguable rates of success. Please keep working at it.

What I also do not do is sugarcoat the fact the realities and likely outcomes of treating BPD. Nor do I tell men and women involved with BPDs to be patient, hang in there and hope for the best while they are actively being abused by their BPD partners. Just because a person with BPD enters treatment does not mean it will be effective. It could take years to see improvement, that is, if there is any improvement at all. Meanwhile, the partners and children of these individuals continue to suffer.

3. You’re making ME feel bad about MEEEEE! These BPD individuals acknowledge that they mistreat and abuse their loved ones, but they can’t help it!!!!!! They then go on to tell me how much pain they are in and that is why they hurt others as if this somehow makes their behavior okay. I suspect these individuals haven’t made it to the Why Empathy for Others is a Good Thing component of their therapy yet — or even worse, they have.

4. Accusations that my stance on BPD is “unprofessional.” Basically, this is just a shaming tactic that stems from “You’re making ME feel bad about MEEEEE!”

Yes, it is very unprofessional for a psychologist to be anti-abuse and to have greater sympathy for the victims of abuse rather than the perpetrators of abuse who show paper thin remorse for the abuse they perpetrate. Oftentimes, individuals with this condition are remorseful when they experience natural consequences for their behavior rather than being remorseful for having hurt others — typically when their partner is at the end of his or her rope and wants out. 

5. Name-calling and unintelligible gibberish. Self-explanatory.

I rarely publish the Comments from the Edge (*a wonderful phrase coined by CrazyBuster, MicksBabe) I receive for several reasons:

a) Shrink4Men is for the targets of BPD/NPD/HCP/AsPD abuse, not a platform for people with these issues to sound off and to try to garner sympathy while taking no responsibility for themselves.

b) It’s upsetting to read their circular arguments, distortions and blame shifting for many individuals who frequent S4M. They already get enough of that at home and/or from their exes, thank you very much.

c) Publishing these comments would allow these individuals to participate in the discussions here. I tried that once or twice and, frankly, I was appalled, but not surprised, by the hypocrisy, intellectual dishonesty and unwavering lack of empathy for anyone else’s pain other than their own.

d) I get to choose whom I invite into my house and I close the door on individuals who want to enter and take a dump on the carpet.

For those of you who are interested in the inner thought processes of some individuals with BPD, NPD, HPD and full-on sociopathy, I’ve decided to start posting some of their comments here. I suspect the excessive emotionality, name-calling, lack of empathy, blaming and shaming in these comments will be very familiar to many of you.

The following comment is from “Jen.” She posted the same comment 3 times in quick succession. I suspect she didn’t realize that new commenters are held in a moderation queue and became frustrated because, “Dammit! She has a right to express herself!”

Jen commented on Can an Abusive Borderline Personality Disorder Woman Really Change?

THIS IS BULLSHIT!! People with BPD are seriously mentally ill and need serious help. I have had it all my life and before diagnosed went through very violent outbursts in which after I admitted to at a police station as the guilt ads to the hate and disgust people with BPD already feel. There are many different types of BPD she sounds narcissistic to me which is a rare trait with bpd, Imagine the most drunk you’ve ever been to the point you can’t see or understand people, then add the worst experience you’ve ever been through the most soul crushing abandonment and thinking you have nobody, wanting to die but being to scared, and desperately wanting to express yourself but being so emotionally stunted that you are completely unable to even say why you are sad or to explain why your unhappy it LITERALLY WILL NOT COME OUT so it all bottles up, then someone quite innocent says something that a bpd sufferer will completely misunderstand and will get in the firing line, it is literally completely uncontrollable. I often don’t even remember, I can feel myself loosing control and have learnt to try my best to get out of the situation but when you are followed and after begging for them to leave you alone, there’s a certain snapping point. It goes two ways either the person will get abuse or the bpd sufferer them selves will self mutilate this sometimes is the ONLY WAY OUT. Violence is unavoidable with a bpd sufferer but once it gets dangerous the police should be called and this I completely agree with. People with BPD should be honest from the get go with potential partners I always have painted the darkest picture so they no what there taking on and it is then left to the individual to decide to stick it out or not But STUPID IDIOT STEREOTYPES AND ABUSE TO THE PEOPLE WITH THIS SERIOUS mental disease is disgusting and needs to stop would you go abuse people with down syndrome NO so don’t do it to people with bpd there lives are usually a living hell without people like you. Learn a bit about what you chatting about before spreading abuse and chatting S***

Let’s break Jen’s comment down to try to make sense of what she is really saying. My interpretations are speculative, of course, as I have no interest in contacting Jen for subsequent commentary.

Jen writes, “THIS IS BULLSHIT!!” Translation: “I’M ANGRY!!”

“People with BPD are seriously mentally ill and need serious help.” This is very true.

“I have had it all my life and before diagnosed went through very violent outbursts in which after I admitted to at a police station as the guilt ads to the hate and disgust people with BPD already feel.” I could have this wrong, but Jen seems to have thought that telling the police officers who arrested her for her violent outburst that she has BPD should have exempted her from arrest. Translation: “I should not be held accountable for my behaviors.”

“There are many different types of BPD she sounds narcissistic to me which is a rare trait with bpd,” Actually, some degree of narcissism is frequently present in persons with BPD. In fact, this seems to be the norm and not the exception. The higher the degree of narcissism in the BPD, the worse they are and the more untreatable they are. In my experience, this is very common.

“Imagine the most drunk you’ve ever been to the point you can’t see or understand people, then add the worst experience you’ve ever been through the most soul crushing abandonment and thinking you have nobody, wanting to die but being to scared, and desperately wanting to express yourself but being so emotionally stunted that you are completely unable to even say why you are sad or to explain why your unhappy it LITERALLY WILL NOT COME OUT so it all bottles up, then someone quite innocent says something that a bpd sufferer will completely misunderstand and will get in the firing line, it is literally completely uncontrollable.” TRANSLATION: “I am a ticking time bomb. If you cross my path when I am angry, scared, anxious or feeling rejected, abandoned or inferior, I will take my anger, etc., out on you and then expect you to feel sorry for me.”

Many people suffer incredible heartbreak, childhood abuse and catastrophic loss, however, they do not go onto abuse others and expect people to tolerate their abuse because “they hurt, too” and blame everyone else for their unhappiness.

I also object to the “uncontrollable” statement. I have observed many people with BPD. Most are perfectly capable of controlling themselves in public settings, when they are Hoovering and with people that won’t tolerate their crap. They typically reserve their abuse for the people who love and care about them and who they feel “comfortable” abusing (i.e., don’t believe they will experience negative consequences for their bad behavior).

“I often don’t even remember, I can feel myself loosing control and have learnt to try my best to get out of the situation but when you are followed and after begging for them to leave you alone, there’s a certain snapping point.” Translation: “I’m not responsible for my behavior.” Jen appears to disassociate when she goes into her rages. This is not uncommon for many individuals with BPD and/or NPD. Here’s the thing, just because Jen can’t or won’t remember raging at and abusing others, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It is good that she tries to remove herself from these situations, but she still blames others for her behavior, which is not good.

“It goes two ways either the person will get abuse or the bpd sufferer them selves will self mutilate this sometimes is the ONLY WAY OUT.” Translation: “If I can’t hurt you I will hurt myself.” I also call foul on this one. There are at least two more options. One, the individual gets into treatment, and/or, two, abstains from intimate relationships if they truly cannot control their behavior.

“Violence is unavoidable with a bpd sufferer but once it gets dangerous the police should be called and this I completely agree with.” Actually, not all people with BPD resort to violence. Better be careful with that paintbrush, Jen!

Unfortunately, the problem with calling the police on a violent BPD female is that it is often the non-disordered male who gets led away in handcuffs because the BPD turns on the waterworks when the police arrive. Therefore, if you are with someone like Jen, please follow the ABR rule — Always Be Recording — so the police can arrest the right person.

“People with BPD should be honest from the get go with potential partners I always have painted the darkest picture so they no what there taking on and it is then left to the individual to decide to stick it out or not” I agree with this. In theory, people with BPD should be honest about their condition and warn others away, but many are undiagnosed and both diagnosed and undiagnosed BPDs are too self-serving to be truly honest — even with themselves.

I have received many emails from other BPD individuals who believe they are “entitled” to love, too, no matter how much they hurt anyone who tries to love them. From these individuals, I get some variation on, “It’s like you think all BPDs should lock themselves away from the rest of the world! What about us?! We need love, too!” Actually, if you really can’t control yourself, keeping your distance from others you feel compelled to hurt is probably a good idea. Men who can’t control themselves and hurt others end up in jail. The same is rarely true of women who cannot or will not control themselves.

Please note, Jen does not say she abstains from intimate relationships. She claims she gives potential romantic partners fair warning. If potential partners ignore her warning, does that mean it’s open season on them? Hey fellas (and/or ladies), Jen warned you, so you can’t blame her if she emotionally or physically abuses you.

“But STUPID IDIOT STEREOTYPES AND ABUSE TO THE PEOPLE WITH THIS SERIOUS mental disease is disgusting and needs to stop . . .” Pointing out how abusive many undiagnosed and diagnosed individuals with BPD/NPD are to their partners, family members and friends is not abusive and herein lies the problem. Many individuals with BPD, NPD, HPD and sociopathy cannot tolerate holding the mirror up to themselves. They rage at and blame the mirror for the ugliness and damage they perpetrate. It’s not their fault, it’s the mirror’s fault for reflecting their own behavior back to them.

” . . . would you go abuse people with down syndrome NO so don’t do it to people with bpd there lives are usually a living hell without people like you.” I would no more abuse individuals with Down’s Syndrome than I would individuals with BPD or any other physical malady, developmental delay, mental illness or characterological disorder. Again, pointing out the abusive behavior perpetrated by many individuals with BPD, NPD, etc., is not abusive. Furthermore, comparing Down’s Syndrome to Borderline Personality Disorder is like comparing apples to oranges. They are entirely different things and, to the best of my knowledge, abusing others is not an effect of Down’s Syndrome.

This is a very common strawman argument. I have also gotten, “You wouldn’t advise people to break up with their wife or girlfriend if she had cancer, diabetes, etc., etc. BPD is not like any of these ailments.

“Learn a bit about what you chatting about before spreading abuse and chatting S***” Well Jen told me, didn’t she?

Basically, Jen’s point is, “You must feel sorry for me! I didn’t ask to have BPD! I’m not responsible! I feel guilty after violent outbursts that caused me to be arrested, and feeling guilty about my shitty, violent behavior makes me feel even worse!”

I posted Jen’s comment on the Shrink4Men Forum a few months ago and would like to share a few comments from members who made some excellent observations. One member had this to add:

Many BPDs often use their BPD as a crutch and a scapegoat. “It’s not my fault…I have BPD” Jenny was probably floored when she was arrested. “What? You mean…I’m ACCOUNTABLE? … ummm, does that mean the same thing as entitled? Cuz that’s a word I know well.”

it is literally completely uncontrollable. ——- And yet she says they need serious help? Well what’s the point if it’s “uncontrollable?”

I often don’t even remember, — -Cop out.

I can feel myself loosing control and have learnt to try my best — Learnt to try? Just gave herself an excuse for failure. “well…I TRIED… sheesh! Isn’t that good enough?”

to get out of the situation but when you are followed and after begging for them to leave you alone, there’s a certain snapping point. — They asked for it? I think if I had to guess, I’d guess Jen was the one doing the following.

would you go abuse people with down syndrome NO so don’t do it to people with bpd — Did she just compare a birth defect to a mental defect? Wow!

there lives are usually a living hell without people like you. — Oh if only that were true.

Another forum member writes:

Interesting that NPD in BPDs is so common, I think I finally understand the overlap in symptoms in my mother. I love how they think not even one site on the internet can be a place where they’re not welcome. I don’t go to BPD sites looking for sympathy on being the victim of one. I stick to this site. If they can’t control themselves enough not to meltdown from seeing a site for their victims and are unable to, you know, JUST NOT GO TO THE F*CKIN’ SITE, they need to be locked the f*ck up.

I’m a U2 fan. When I first got internet access I searched for sites on them. I found some anti U2 sites. Did I waste my time and energy on them? No, I just f*ckin’ hit the back browser and went to the fan sites. How f*ckin’ hard is that?

I think this may be related to the compulsion many of them have to control other’s narratives — even complete strangers on the Internet.

Another forum member writes:

The crux of all PD’s is that they lack empathy. Borderlines, Histrionics, Narcissists and Sociopaths (anti-social). They’re all completely self-centered. The only variance is the flavor of self-centeredness. They’re all narcissists. Other people don’t matter to them. Including this nutcase who wanted us all to know why she matters and the rest of us don’t.

I really don’t care how much she or her ilk are “suffering”. By virtue, the amount she suffers is always paltry in comparison to the amount of pain she inflicts.

My toddler pitched one hissy fit. EVER. I don’t buy that Borderlines can’t control themselves. They choose not to control themselves because being out of control gets them what they want. It worked when they were toddlers (because they had parents who didn’t put a cease to that sh*t or enabled it and gave into the screaming brat or ignored it). And the grown Borderline seeks out mate(s) in adulthood who will appease her rather than punish her for throwing fits. It’s a learned behavior, sure. One that can’t be unlearned. But this, IMO, is not the same thing as, “they can’t help it.”

Another BPD survivor (and by survivor I mean someone who got away from their BPD) adds:

If they wanted to be better, they would ask for HELP. They don’t. They insist on enabling, because in their minds, that is help – you are allowing them to do what they want. After all, they are entitled to whatever they want.

I used to be lots nicer about individuals with BPD, NPD, etc. But I have seen the way that the personality disordered are excused more and more over the years. 20 years ago, you kept it quiet, and got yourself help so that you kept your sh*t together. Now, you are allowed to dump your sh*t all over the place, bitch at those who complain about being hit, berate those who don’t pick your sh*t up and carry it for you, kissing your ass all the way.

Um. No. We all have issues. Pick up your own sh*t, carry it yourself, and if you are an ass, take ownership of it. If you don’t, then you get to be scooched away from my life. You are welcome to be your unhelped crazy self – but not near me. You have the right to be an unhelped crazy ass, and I have the right to back the f*ck away and wave the torch in your direction.

Another forum member provides a different theory on the ability of personality disordered individuals to control themselves:

I hear you, but based on my experience, they can control themselves. However, it is an act when they do it–they are imitating an expected behavior, not processing like a healthy adult. In that sense, they are like children, as you noted–they are imitating the right thing to do. Children, however, learn from their imitation of others and eventually incorporate that into their lives. PDIs, not so much.

Although this is probably not a good comparison, it takes tremendous energy on their parts to maintain the facade of controlling themselves. I am an introvert, and depending on the situation, groups of people just wear me out. If the wife has thirty people over to the house (not at all unusual in the old days), I need to take breaks to keep it together, or just focus on people one-on-one. (Meanwhile, she is basking in the attention of a dozen others who are telling her how wonderful she is.) She gets fed, I get wore out. So much for our parties, but I can understand the energy level that is involved in a PDI keeping up appearances, and how when it runs out the need for psychic feeding is incredible, and the games begin. Which is also why those of us that have been close to a PDI are the ones who know the madness, and those who aren’t get the high-energy schmooze job.

So what’s your take on this? Can these individuals control their behavior or not? Does your abusive wife, girlfriend, ex, husband, boyfriend, partner’s ex, mom, dad or sibling have the same excuses, lack of empathy and blame shifting as Jen?

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Why does my wife seem to always find fault with our children’s school and routinely insist on changing them? Why do my kids’ teachers look at me like I’m a serial killer when I attend parent teacher conferences? Maybe it’s all in my head, but why does it seem like my ex is deliberately trying to sabotage our children’s education? Why does my girlfriend insist on treating our pre-teen kids like they’re still babies?

Why does my wife feed our kids a steady diet of junk food? Does she want them to be obese? Why does my wife seem to take pleasure in telling me when our daughter misbehaves and gloat when I punish our daughter or become angry when she doesn’t think I’m being tough enough on our daughter? My ex allows our 12-year old daughter to sleep in the same bed with her. Is this healthy?

My husband’s ex-wife still hasn’t potty trained their son and puts him in pull-up diapers. He’s 14-years old. What the hell is going on? He doesn’t soil himself when he stays with us. My ex seems to get mad when I spend time with our kids and take them places or buy them little gifts or new school clothes. She acts as if she’s jealous of them. Is this possible?

Many men and women in my practice have made the above observations and asked the above questions. The subject of maternal sabotage is also one of the many common themes on the Shrink4Men Forum. It can be difficult to wrap one’s mind around this topic. What kind of a mother would deliberately try to sabotage her child’s intellectual, emotional, psychological, physical and moral development?

A bad one.

That’s a simplistic answer, but an accurate one. Sabotaging one’s own children is frequently a common trait of abusive personality disordered women and men specifically, borderline (BPD), narcissistic (NPD), histrionic (HPD), and dependent (DPD) personality disordered parents.

The cognitive dissonance this subject creates cannot be underestimated. Most parents want the best for their children. Good parents want to provide the best education possible for their kids and will move school districts, participate in lotteries and pay high tuition rates in order to obtain it. Good parents want their kids to thrive and grow up to be successful, independent adults. Most parents work hard to help their children become as or more successful than they are.

Then, there’s another kind of parent, oftentimes a borderline and/or narcissistic parent, who seems to deliberately sabotage their children’s education and development by regularly changing schools, not providing their kids with the stability and consistency that facilitates learning and good school performance, feeding their kids a poor diet, encouraging prolonged dependence on mommy, competing with their kids for attention and a host of other supremely unhealthy behaviors. Why do many BPDs/NPDs and other personality disordered parents do this?

Common reasons BPDs/NPDs and other personality disordered parents sabotage their children’s development:

1) Exposure. If and when the BPD/NPD parent has exposed her asshattery to a teacher(s), other parents, coaches and/or school administration, she may push to change the children’s school. One could argue that the BPD/NPD is embarrassed, but many of them appear to be quite shameless — and relentless. More likely, her mask of super mom, single martyr mom or victim of my POS ex-husband mom has slipped and she has revealed which parent is the actual problem.

After the BPD/NPD parent has exposed her difficult nature, she will often concoct some reason why the “children” need to change schools and get a “fresh start.” Once the teachers et al know the true source of the conflict, the BPD/NPD can no longer conduct smear campaigns and blame shifting nor can she control the narrative. Oftentimes, this is the real reason behind frequent and/or multiple school changes.

2) “Winning.” During and after a divorce or break-up, the BPD/NPD wants to “win,” which typically means inflicting maximum pain on you for “abandoning” her (even if she initiates the break up). Oftentimes, this individual weaponizes shared children and engages in parental alienation. She may also try to impoverish you by using the courts to extort as much child and spousal support as possible. She equates “winning” to hurting you and taking or destroying anything or anyone you care about or love and that includes the children.

For example, a former client’s ex is trying to block their eldest child from attending the best school in their area, which happens to be a free public school (grades are good enough and they won the lottery). Instead, the ex wants to keep the child in an expensive private school. Why? She manufactured some very lame reasons about it not being fair to their younger child if the older sibling is able to get a better education.

In reality, it’s about the ex gouging this guy for as much money as she can. Even if she doesn’t see a penny of it, she wants him to pay and keep paying. A BPD/NPD ex often equates the amount of money, child support and assets she can extort from you with her sense of worth. Additionally, this kind of individual does not seem to have any qualms about hurting the children in order to hurt you. As you probably already know, hurting the children is often the very best way to hurt you.

3) CONTROL. The BPD/NPD is the decider. She believes she is entitled to unilateral control over the children. She often sees the children as her property and you are expected to pay a Golden Uterus rental fee for the rest of your life. Even if the court awards joint decision making regarding schooling and medical issues, the BPD/NPD will typically do her best to withhold information and cut you out of all major and minor decision-making — that is until it’s time to pay the bills for her unilateral decisions. You are then expected to pony up. Immediately.

Ultimately, you may be at cross-purposes with a BPD/NPD ex. If you are advocating for the children’s best interests, she will be argue and push for the opposite. Why? To show you who is in control. And if the children get hurt as a result, she will blame you.

4) Children shouldn’t raise children. A BPD/NPD is often described as a child in an adult’s body. Emotionally and psychologically speaking, this is often true. These individuals can be incredibly immature and seem to be stuck at an early age of emotional development. Many of my clients who share a child with a BPD/NPD mother watch in amazement (and relief) as their children surpass their wives in emotional maturity, empathy and problem-solving skills.

There’s a reason our society frowns upon teenage pregnancy and teenage parents. Morality and religious beliefs about premarital sex aside, the simple fact of the matter is that children have not reached the optimal emotional maturity or intellectual capacity to be parents. The same is true of parents who are children in adult bodies. Personality disordered and/or emotionally immature parents frequently parentify their children (i.e., makes the child responsible for meeting the parent’s emotional and/or physical needs), which is a form of child abuse.

5) Sibling rivalry. A BPD/NPD mother is often jealous of her own children and sees them as competition for attention, love, admiration and resources. The possibility that her child may surpass her scholastically, in attractiveness, in popularity, in physical fitness, in athletic ability, etc., can be very threatening to a BPD/NPD mom. The opposite can also be true. For example, a mom who sees her child’s success as a reflection of her worth and pushes her child to succeed to the point of abuse (think Tiger Mom).

Sibling rivalry for one’s child can manifest in several ways. For example, your BPD/NPD wife “tattles” on the child and takes pleasure in watching you mete out punishment for misbehavior, a BPD/NPD sets up the child to get him/her into trouble, feeding the child a steady diet of fast food/junk food/processed foods  to make the child fat so mom can seem skinnier and prettier in comparison (this is especially common with BPD/NPD mothers and daughters), having a scapegoat child and a “golden child” and pitting them against one another, becoming jealous when the child’s father (her ex) buys them new school clothes, takes them on vacation, to concerts and other special events and making anything that happens to child, good or bad, about her.

6) Bad role modeling. A BPD/NPD parent often lacks empathy, is entitled, rejects personal responsibility for her behaviors, engages in bullying and intimidation, is dishonest, has the relative morality of a small child, has chaotic and extremely dysfunctional relationships, has no sense of fair play and is completely self-obsessed. Enough said.

7) Fear of abandonment. A BPD’s/NPD’s fear of abandonment may take the form of infantilizing their children or one of their children. This is a particularly insidious form of abuse and, in some ways, is the opposite of child parentification. A parent who engages in infantilization is unable to tolerate her child’s developmental growth toward healthy independence. Whether it is the fear of abandonment or the need to be needed, an infantilizing parent is threatened by and acts to undermine the child’s age-appropriate emerging independence (Bogolub, 1984).

Benjamin D. Garber, PhD (2011) explains:

In the context of co-parental conflict, separation, or divorce, the infantilizing parent may experience the separation associated with the child’s time in the other parent’s care as a narcissistic injury (a loss of self) prompting depression, anger, and/or anxiety. These emotions are communicated to the child no matter the (court-ordered, therapist scripted) reassuring words that are spoken, fueling the child’s resistance or refusal to return to the other parent’s care. Like the parentified child, this child may feel responsible for the parent’s well-being in absentia, but not in a care giving capacity. Instead, the infantilized child is at least implicitly aware that his or her continuing dependency fulfills the enmeshed parent’s needs.

Oftentimes, children who are being infantilized may develop depression, anxiety, developmental delays and may even be misdiagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. In addition to meeting a BPD/NPD mom’s emotional needs, infantilizing a child to the point of debilitation can provide a BPD/NPD/HPD mom with attention (in the extreme form this could be Munchausen by Proxy), social status, money (e.g., state benefits or prolonged child support monies) and/or maintaining a connection to the father of the child post-divorce because the child has “special needs.”

I know of cases in which diagnosed and undiagnosed BPD/NPD moms allow children to regularly sleep in their beds well beyond an age that “co-sleeping” is appropriate; a mom who continues to allow her teen-aged child (who has no urological or bowel impairment) to wear pull-up diapers because it is “easier;” moms who use baby talk with their teenaged kids; moms who sabotage their children’s peer relationships, which results in the kids spending more time at home so mom isn’t alone; and a mom who has deliberately sabotaged her special needs adult child to the point where the adult child is in a near vegetative state in order to continue to collect state benefits for her care and is enabled by medical doctors in doing so.

The above list is by no means exhaustive. There are many other ways BPD/NPD and other personality disordered parents sabotage their children’s educational, psychological, physical and moral development. The information contained in this article is just one of the reasons I cringe when I hear a client or forum member claim, “Yes, she’s abusive to me, but she’s a good mom.” It is my opinion that individuals with these personality disorders are constitutionally incapable of truly being good parents and this article provides a sampling of just how destructive these kinds of parents can be.

What ways have you observed your wife, girlfriend, ex or husband’s ex sabotage her children?

Citations:

Bogolub, E. (1984). Symbiotic mothers and infantilized only children: A subtype of single-parent family. Child and Adolescent
Social Work Journal, 1, 89–101.

Garber, B.D. (2011). Parental alienation and the dynamics of the enmeshed parent-child dyad: Adultification, parentification and infantilization. Family Court Review, Vol. 49, 2, 322-335.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.