Shrink4Men Radio will be back this Monday, February 20, 2012 at 9pm EST.

My co-host for the evening, Paul Elam of AVoiceforMen, and I will be speaking with Daddy Justice (Ben Vonderheide) about his role in exposing one of Pennsylvania’s corrupt judges, Kelly S. Ballentine. We’ll also be discussing Mr. Vonderheide’s continued activism and what you can do to get involved if you’d like to help fight the rigged, corrupt and gender biased family court system.

The last time Daddy Justice visited was one heckuva program and I have no doubt this Monday’s program will be just as inspiring. The telephone lines will be open, so if you have questions or would just like to call and say hello please Skype in or give us a call at 310 388-9709.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Judge Kelly S. Ballentine

Daddy Justice, otherwise known as Ben Vonderheide, has once again shined the light on yet another corrupt public official.

Judge Kelly S. Ballentine was elected to Pennsylvania’s Lancaster County’s southeast district judge seat in 2006. In the approximately 6 years she has been in the trusted and venerated position of district justice, she has committed at least 12 criminal acts.

According to the York Daily News:

Ballentine is charged with six counts of tampering with public records, three counts of restricted activities due to a conflict of interest and three counts of obstruction of the administration of law.

Ballentine is accused of dismissing three tickets issued to her by police. Two were for allegedly parking illegally and another was for an alleged vehicle registration offense.

Ballentine, 43, dismissed a parking ticket and an expired-registration ticket in December 2010 and a parking ticket in January 2011, according to the affidavit.

City police Officer Thomas Gjurich placed tickets on Ballentine’s BMW sedan three times in November 2010 when it was parked outside her home, according to the affidavit.

The $268.50 she owed on the three tickets was never paid, according to the affidavit.

On the citations, “it was Kelly Ballentine’s handwriting dismissing them,” an agent with the attorney general’s office writes in the affidavit.

According to the state Judicial Conduct Board’s rules, district judges should disqualify themselves in proceedings in which they are a party.

The information reported in mainstream news outlets is only the tip of the iceberg. Mr. Vonderheide began his independent investigation of Judge Ballentine in May 2006 after she railroaded him with the Lancaster police department. Mr. Vonderheide and his associate, Ron Harper, Jr. (an investigative reporter), discovered the first of many abuses of power Judge Ballentine has committed in her illustrious career on the bench. The first incident involved her then boyfriend, convicted cocaine dealer, Terence J. Mitchell. At the time, Mr. Mitchell was 28-years old and Judge Ballentine was 37.

In the early morning hours of New Year’s Day 2005-2006, Mr. Mitchell and his passenger, girlfriend Judge Ballentine, were pulled over by the Lancaster police. The police discovered a concealed loaded gun under Mr. Mitchell’s car seat and he was arrested.

While Mr. Mitchell was en route to jail, Judge Ballentine called the city police, went to the station and took responsibility for her cocaine dealing boyfriend’s 9mm Luger and hollow point bullets. She then arranged a get out of jail free card for Mr. Mitchell.

Judge Ballentine also appears to be a false rape accuser.

In 2010, Judge Ballentine accused a man of breaking into her home and of attempting to rape her. In May 2011, a jury found the accused man not guilty. The accused had been sitting in jail since his arrest date, July 17, 2010, time that he will never get back.

Upon hearing the verdict, the plaintiff, Judge Ballentine, became belligerent and shouted obscenities at the jury, at which point she had to be subdued and physically removed from the courtroom by deputies and her family. According to Mr. Vonderheide, Ms. Ballentine removed one of her shoes and threw it at the jury whilst repeatedly dropping F-bombs. Imagine if a plaintiff had done so in her courtroom. My guess is the offending individual would’ve been jailed for contempt. This did not happen to Judge Ballentine.

According to Lancaster Online:

The jury of nine women and three men returned their verdicts just before noon on Wednesday after deliberating seven hours over two days.

Ballentine reacted in disgust and was physically removed from the courtroom by family members and deputy sheriffs.

“You all let him do that to me and it’s supposed to be OK!” she screamed on her way out the door.

“Get off of me!” she told supporters who tried to calm her.

Plata showed no reaction and sat with his hands on his lap when the verdicts were announced.

Prosecutor Randall L. Miller and defense lawyer George N. Marros also did not react.

“They believed, as we thought, he was invited in,” Marros said outside the courtroom. “Either she let him in, or told him to come over.”

Here’s the Daddy Justice video that documents his investigation of Judge Ballentine, which concludes with her arraignment yesterday, February 13, 2012.

Ballentine Busted from Ben Vonderheide on Vimeo.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but shouldn’t individuals holding the position of judge, either through election or appointment, be in possession of a thorough understanding of the law and in possession of good judgement. How are “we the people” supposed to trust and respect a judge, man or woman, who exercises such poor personal judgment (e.g., a convicted cocaine dealer boyfriend; false rape accuser; dismissing her own traffic violations)?

Here’s the real kicker, Judge Ballentine has not been removed from the bench as of yet. According to the Mail Online, Judge Ballentine is on paid leave while the 9 felony charges are “resolved.” If Judge Ballentine is allowed to continue to sit on the bench it will be a disgrace.

Do the right thing Pennsylvania and treat this woman as you would any other criminal and let her serve as an example to other corrupt judges, otherwise your justice system will be nothing more than a farce at best. Keystone cops indeed.

Mr. Vonderheide’s brand of activism might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but he sure gets things done. Mr. Vonderheide will be joining me and my special guest co-host, Paul Elam of AVfM, this Monday, February 20, 2012 at 9pm EST to discuss this case and his continued crusade against corrupt officials, including corrupt family court officials. Go, Ben, go!

Here’s a link to Mr. Vonderheide’s last appearance on Shrink4Men Radio.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Here’s the latest from CrazyBuster, Micksbabe . . .

If you’re in an abusive relationship with a high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual, you’re probably very aware of what your situation looks like from the inside — constant chaos, blame, fighting, projection, and gaslighting, possibly even shame.

Have you ever wondered what your situation looks like from the outside?

If your Parents are normal and healthy, then they are sad for you (and your children, if you have them), and they are aware that something is “off.” Or maybe your parents are the type who stick their heads in the sand and are in denial, choosing not to see the obvious. Good parents want their children to grow up and be in a happy marriage. Either way – sadness or denial – it is obvious that you are unhappy.

If children are part of your equation, then their Grandparents get to sit back and watch them being emotionally abused by your spouse/ex-spouse, and are totally helpless to do anything about it, unless you are willing to confront the beast (your children’s abusive mother).

And even then, the Golden Uterus is very powerful. Grandparents in these situations are typically walking the narrowest of all tight ropes, just to be allowed to maintain any type of contact with their grandchildren.

Your Friends have probably been the most vocal in telling you to get yourself out of your abusive relationship you. If your friends aren’t telling you this, then get yourself some real friends. You’ll need their support once you do “break free.”

The New Woman will have no idea what she is “getting into,” even if you tell her. If she’s a good person, she won’t be able to comprehend your ex-wife’s need to control you. Nor will she comprehend a woman treating her own children like property, and not putting their needs truly first.

Regardless of how long it has been since your split, or how many girlfriends you have had between the New Woman and your PD ex, your ex will label the New Woman as the interloper. Your PD Ex will never give you permission to move on. It will be your job, alone, to enforce boundaries to protect the New Woman, from your PD Ex.

Your Children love and need both of their parents, but your children will always choose “the side” of the person who forces them to choose sides. This is not their fault. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is 100% effective. It’s the worst form of emotional abuse and it should be criminal. Unfortunately, except for extreme cases, most courts don’t recognize PAS nor do they implement real consequences (i.e., losing custody) for it.

If you’re staying in a miserable marriage with a PD because you fear PAS will occur, take heed in knowing that your PD wife has been employing and fostering a PAS smear campaign against you from day one. Your own children are witnessing their mother’s abuse against you and this is the type of marriage that is being modeled for them. They stand a much better chance of glimpsing normal and healthy if you move out and provide them a safe place to land.

Thanks for another excellent reality check, Micksbabe! – Dr T

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

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Relationships Stages, Abusive Women and the WTF Moment, Part, One,

As noted in Part One, the second relationship stage, the power struggle phase, can last indefinitely in an abusive relationship.

Many of the men with whom I work have not progressed past the power struggle phase in their relationships. In several cases, my clients have been married for 20-plus years. That’s two decades or more of being locked in a power struggle. No wonder they’re exhausted.

If you remain in the relationship after the first WTF moment in the power struggle phase, or second or third or fourth WTF moments, you then progress to the third stage, re-evaluation and identity formation. It’s possible for your abusive partner to remain locked in the power struggle phase while you move on to re-evaluate and, perhaps, resign yourself to the realities of your abusive partner.

During the honeymoon stage, attraction and commitments may be based upon projection, fantasy, and, in many cases, unresolved childhood issues. In the re-evaluation and identity formation stage, you consider whether you’re happy with the relationship, who you both are in reality (after the honeymoon stage rose-colored glasses are removed), your roles in the relationship and if you want to remain in the relationship. One or both of you re-evaluate your commitment based on reality as well as your fears and defenses.

You may ask yourself questions such as:

• Do I really love this person?
• Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her?
• Do I want another 10 years like the last 10 years?
• Can I handle being alone?
• What will happen if I end the relationship?
• Will she let me go amicably or will she try to destroy me?
  
• Will I meet another woman? A better woman?
• Will anyone else love me?
• What about my kids? My assets?
• Is it cheaper to keep her?
• Will my family and friends abandon me if I end the relationship?

This is the stage in which one or both of you may engage in affairs because you miss and crave the powerful emotions of the honeymoon stage. It’s not uncommon to pull away from each other and distance yourselves by making the children, hobbies, work and other relationships your primary focus instead of your relationship with each other.

In a non-abusive relationship, if you can both maintain love, communication and trust during the third stage you’re likely to progress the fourth and fifth relationship stages. The latter relationship stages include a rebirth and re-commitment to the relationship built on mutual acceptance, trust, realistic expectations, realistic perspectives of mutual strengths and weaknesses, shared history and maturity.

The pathology of abusers, sociopaths, high-conflict people and many personality-disordered individuals makes it impossible for them to progress past the second and third relationship stages. They simply lack the emotional maturity, communication skills and conflict resolution skills necessary to reach these stages. Many also seem to lack the ability to engage in any meaningful change oriented self-introspection and personal growth.

Many sociopathic abusers lack empathy, refuse to be held accountable for their hurtful behaviors and are unable to trust. How do you trust someone who won’t trust you? How do you trust someone who abuses you, puts you down and tries to control you? I don’t think it’s possible.

Some of the men and women I work with become stuck after having the WTF moment. Oftentimes, they’re stuck because they’re clinging to the memories of the honeymoon stage and engaging in wishful thinking. They have a difficult time letting go of the idealized fantasy person their abusers initially pretended to be.

These men and women seem paralyzed by a combination of misguided hope, uncertainty, fear and longing. They have had the WTF moment, or several WTF moments, and seem to become bogged down in a paralysis of analysis of their abusive partner’s behavior, looking for answers and any sign that the abuser might change. These individuals become self-taught experts on personality disorders and other relationship issues, yet remain stuck.

They have seen behind their abusive partner’s mask, yet refuse to see. They’ve read every relationship book, been through numerous rounds of individual and couples counseling, and have turned themselves inside out to win their abusive partner’s love and approval.

They believe if they try harder, love more, earn more, spend more, do more, are more sensitive, more nurturing, etc., etc., that it will bring back the person with whom they fell in love. What many fail to realize is that the person they fell in love with was artifice; an illusion. In the end, all of the effort and machinations they employ to return to the honeymoon stage are about as effective as pouring water into a bucket with a hole in its bottom.

If we look at this vis-a-vis the stages of loss and mourning, this is a form of denial and bargaining. This is often when the non-abusive partner has another WTF moment. Except this one is directed at the self. Oh my god, WTF am I doing? Why am I trying so hard? Why can’t I walk away? Why can’t I let go? Why do I want to be with someone who treats me so bad?

If this rings true for you, perhaps you had similar experiences in childhood with your parents.

As a child, it’s terrifying to realize the adults you depend upon are mean, crazy and abusive. For children, it feels safer to believe the reason mom and dad are cold, neglectful or mean is because they’re bad. Why? If mom and dad are mean because you’re bad, then maybe mom and dad will be nice if you work extra hard to be good. This damaging belief provides children with some measure of false hope and control in an abusive, dysfunctional and chaotic family environment.

Many of these children carry these faulty beliefs into their adult relationships. They recreate the familiar dynamic with abusive partners and believe they can gain their love if only they work harder at being the perfect partner and meeting all of the abusive partner’s unreasonable and ever-shifting needs, demands and expectations.

If this applies to you, you need to realize that you’re no more likely to get your abusive partner to treat you with love, approval and respect than you were your parents.

Your partner’s abusive behavior is not about you or any defects you may or may not possess; it’s about them and their emotional and psychological defects. Until you fully understand and accept this, you’ll spend your life pouring water into a bottomless bucket or pushing a boulder uphill only to have it roll back down onto you.

After you have the WTF moment and recognize it as such, you have a few choices:

1. You can put the blinders back on and pretend that you don’t know your partner is abusive. You can keep making excuses and blame her behavior on stress, hormones, the kids, anxiety, an abusive childhood, etc., etc., and keep on jumping through hoops, pouring water into a bottomless bucket and/or pushing that boulder uphill.

2. You can stay in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and tell yourself you made a commitment and that you’re obligated to stick it out no matter how bad it gets while a little part of your soul is crushed everyday.

3. You can do for yourself what your parents did not. You can love and respect yourself enough to end an abusive relationship with a person who is more interested in controlling you and using you as a whipping post and target of blame for her self-created unhappiness than she is in loving and accepting you, and having a mature relationship.

This is how you go from having a WTF moment to a GTFO moment.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consultation Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Oprah and her minions talk about having an “a-ha” moment or a defining moment of wisdom that you use to change your life.

It is my belief that men and women in abusive relationships often have the WTF moment when they see behind an abusive partner’s mask for the first time. The WTF moment can be just as defining as an a-ha moment, in that it can be a critical point in an abusive relationship.

The WTF moment is when the non-abusive partner, typically after weeks, months and sometimes years of love bombing, hoop jumping, guilt, manipulation, obligation, fear, self-doubt and blaming and shaming tactics, has a moment of clarity. It’s when you finally realize, “Wait a minute. Something’s wrong here, but it isn’t me.”

Having the WTF moment should be enough to help most people realize they’re in a relationship with an abusive, unstable and possibly sociopathic individual and that you need to end it. However, if you have codependency issues, rescuer tendencies, and other attachment issues, the WTF moment is only the first step of your journey to freedom and emotional health.

Most intimate relationships go through approximately 5 stages, which include:

1. Honeymoon
2. Power struggle
3. Re-evaluation and identity formation
4. Re-commitment
5. Acceptance

The WTF moment typically occurs during the second stage, the power struggle. Most relationships with abusive personalities don’t seem to progress past the third relationship stage of re-evaluation and identity formation, no matter how long the relationship remains intact.

During the first relationship stage, the honeymoon, you tend to view a new love interest through rose-colored glasses. It’s a time of infatuation and mutual idealized projection. Their idiosyncrasies are cute and attraction and passions run high. You focus on all the ways you’re alike and ignore pesky differences.

You may have unrealistic expectations that your new love will be able to meet all your needs and desires and vice versa. Biochemically, your brain is awash with dopamine, testosterone and endorphins, which elevate mood, increase sexual desire and create an overall sense of well-being. In other words, you may not thinking straight nor seeing things and each other as you are in reality.

You may focus exclusively on each other to the detriment of other relationships. This is when a sense of “we” develops and boundaries may become diffuse. There’s often lots of laughter, flirtation, playfulness, sexual desire and a compulsion to reveal everything about yourself to your love interest and learn everything about her.

The honeymoon phase is temporary and lasts anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. If a strong enough bond develops during this period, a couple is more likely to be able to ride out the power struggle stage.

Many relationships don’t last beyond the honeymoon phase, however. Some people are more in love with falling in love than they are with the actual person. They seem to be addicted to the feel-good sensations, novelty and other blissful illusions. They lose interest and move onto the next person who makes their hearts go pitter-pat after the idealization and positive projections stop and the rose-colored glasses are removed.

If you have a history of becoming involved with abusive, sociopathic, high-conflict and/or personality disordered individuals, the honeymoon stage is the most dangerous time for you. This is when you have the “good times” that you cling to later. Emotional predators add to the to the idealization and mutual projections by intuiting what your needs, desires and fantasies are and giving it to you. It’s when you’re the most vulnerable to love bombing and other high-pressure tactics to make a binding commitment.

Warning signs and other red flags are often minimized, rationalized away or ignored during this stage. The good feelings, intense sex, pleasing behaviors and adoration can be so powerful and addictive that it may make it very difficult for you to end the relationship once you have the WTF moment and see behind your abuser’s mask.

Once you enter the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you long to go back to the pink cloud of the honeymoon phase, but that never happens. You may see glimpses of the honeymoon behaviors if your abusive partner senses you’re about to make a break for it. This is often when the abuser tries to hoover you back in by engaging in many of the same behaviors she used to reel you in during the honeymoon stage.

The hoover is temporary. It is nothing more than a tactic to avoid abandonment and/or to get you back under the abuser’s control.

The second relationship stage is the power struggle phase, which can last indefinitely. Your brain chemistry returns to normal and disillusionment, disappointment and conflict may arise. It’s when reality hits the fan and is when the WTF moment is likely to occur.

Many of the positive attributes you both projected onto each other are withdrawn and you see each other more clearly. This is when the negative projections begin if you’re involved with an abusive personality. In other words, you stop being the most wonderful man ever, and become the recipient of her twister-roo “You” statements.

You’re selfish. You’re insensitive. You’re angry. You’re mean. You’re a cheater. You don’t care about anyone else’s feelings except your own.

She projects her negative qualities and misbehaviors onto you and expects you to carry them for her. This is when you may both look at each other and exclaim, “You’ve changed!”

The reality is most people don’t change. You’re the same. Maybe you’ve started leaving your dirty underwear on the floor or started to drink directly from the milk carton again, but you’re still pretty much the same guy you ever were. An abusive personality, however, does change.

The fantasy Dr. Jekyll personality diminishes and Ms. Hyde surfaces and takes up residence. For example, the intense sex and pretending to be interested in football stops, and Nasty McCrazy comes out to play.

As your real identities emerge and your differences become apparent, problems arise. An abusive personality often sees these differences as a betrayal and/or a personal attack. Instead of adapting and realizing that everyone has little quirks and irritating habits, she will punish you for not living up to her fantasies and not meeting all of her physical and emotional needs.

Many couples break up at this point if their differences can’t be resolved. Other couples ignore their differences and engage in distancing behaviors, which may foster resentment. Alternately, an abusive partner may begin the process of bullying you into submission.

This is when the struggle for control over you begins in earnest. For example, an abusive partner sets forth an unending series of hoops for you to jump through with the empty promise that she’ll go back to the person she was during the honeymoon phase if only you can successfully jump through all of her hoops and navigate her shifting landmines. Sadly, many men and women fall for this lie.

If you’ve coupled with a healthy individual, this is when you start to merge your friends and families. If you’re with an abuser, this is often when she will try to isolate you from your support system.

For a healthy couple, this stage is also when the real relationship work begins. The partners learn how to adapt, to build trust, to listen, to solve problems, to resolve conflict, to make compromises and appreciate one another’s differences — or at least accept them. In this respect, the conflict during this stage is healthy as both partners figure out their roles in the relationship and helps them separate from the enmeshment of the honeymoon phase.

High-conflict, abusive and/or sociopathic personalities aren’t capable of compromise, give and take, and conflict resolution. It’s her way or there’s hell to pay. This is the stage when the abusive personality’s control issues become evident. Minor differences and disagreements elicit disproportionate rage or emotional withdrawal. Blaming and shaming tactics start and then it hits you.

The WTF moment.

Please check back next week for part two.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consultation Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Thank you to the callers. I admire your courage to call in and share such heartbreaking stories and your pain. Thank you to  the live listeners and chat room dwellers for taking time to hang out with Tom and I tonight. Thank you also to those who listen to the show archive.

Here’s the embed:

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Tom’s book, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing is an excellent resource for men who are mourning a loss and for women seeking to understand the masculine grieving process.

Many men and women who have been involved with abusive, high-conflict and/or personality disordered partners often have a difficult time grieving the loss and letting go of the hopes and dreams they attached to their partners and exes. This is to be expected.

Mourning the loss of someone who has repeatedly hurt and betrayed you is typically more complicated and painful then mourning the loss of someone for whom you have primarily positive feelings. This can be confusing for men who believe they should feel relief to be free of an abusive partner.

We will be discussing these issues for the first 20 minutes or so of the program and then we will take your calls. Tom will only be available for approximately an hour, so if you would like to talk to him, please be sure to call (+1 310 388 9709) or Skype in early.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Are these men’s wives, girlfriends and exes sociopaths?

Maybe, maybe not. If not, they sure are acting out a lot of sociopathic behaviors. Most of the men and women I work with often arrive to my virtual office trying to figure out what the hell is going on in their relationships.

They want to know, is she a Borderline? Is she a narcissist? Is she a histrionic? Does she act this way because her parents abused her? Is it a combination of all of the above?

The simple answer is, I don’t know with 100% certainty and it doesn’t really matter. The important questions are:

• Is her behavior abusive?
• How is her behavior affecting you (and the children)?
• Is she willing to acknowledge her behaviors are abusive and get help to change?

If the answers to these questions are no, then it really doesn’t matter if you have an accurate diagnosis because it’s highly unlikely that things will change no matter what you do.

What I do know is that the behaviors, as described by both my clients and the men and women who participate on the Shrink4Men Website and Forum, seem incredibly abusive and sociopathic to me.

Yet, in our society, men receive the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder and end up prison far more than women do. Is this because men are more prone to this personality disorder or because men are more likely to have fa-cocked brain chemistry or hard wiring?

I don’t think men are any more likely to be sociopaths than women are.

As a society, we have so devalued men and overvalued women, that we have a difficult time believing that some women are just as capable as some men of being toxic, unremorseful, exploitative, abusive, dangerous jerks. I’m here to tell you, female sociopaths do exist. And they have a much easier time getting away with their predations because we, as a society, refuse to acknowledge and address the problem.

We tend to view female sociopaths as sick and deserving of help and male sociopaths as monsters who should be locked away. I think male and female sociopaths are sick monsters and prefer to stay as far away from them as humanly possible.

Bottom line: Male sociopaths go to jail and female sociopaths go to counseling, where they are often enabled by well-meaning, but clueless therapists. The fields of law and psychology seem to view male sociopaths as dangerous individuals who need to be locked away for our protection.

Meanwhile, psychologists and lawyers tend to see female sociopaths as “victims” who just need love, patience and understanding and, if they only could receive said love, patience and understanding from a mental health professional and – get this – if they could only receive love, patience and understanding from their victims (i.e., their partners, friends and children) that they will get well and bunnies and unicorns will hop and prance under a giant rainbow.

Here’s the real kicker though and, I think, one of the biggest issues. A diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder is ruled out if an individual’s sociopathic behavior is deemed to be a symptom of another disorder or illness.

This means that if an individual is diagnosed with another personality disorder or mental illness, for example, Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that their sociopathic behaviors aren’t considered sociopathic. I have tried wrapping my mind around this one for years, but I simply cannot do it.

As previously noted, male sociopaths go to jail and female sociopaths go to counseling. I’d like to amend that statement at the risk of being bashed.

Male sociopaths are diagnosed with AsPD and sent to jail. It is my opinion that female sociopaths are given different diagnoses, such as BPD or NPD, and are sent to counseling, often with the same rehabilitative failure as male sociopaths who are imprisoned.

Now, before the “hive” gets itself into a self-righteous tizzy because Dr T, the quack, is confusing Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders with sociopathy, let me assure you, I am not.

Interesting side note: The self-identified borderlines who contact me from time to time to let me know that they’ve recovered and then go on to act out classic borderline traits via their emails, never rush to defend individuals with narcissistic or histrionic or antisocial personality disorder and caution me not to “paint them all with the same brush,” which, by the way, I do not. Nor have any of them, ever, not once, shown empathy or concern for the thousands of men and women who have posted their experiences on Shrink4Men of being abused by individuals with these disorders.

The closest I’ve seen to concern for the victims of abuse perpetrated by personality disordered women is some statement along the lines of, “Nons have problems, too, otherwise they wouldn’t get involved with a woman with BPD in the first place.” Let me translate: A personality disordered individual who makes this statement is engaging in victim blaming. They’re saying that if you have been abused by a narcissist, borderline and/or a sociopath, it’s your fault.

I see the dramatic or Cluster B personality disorders, which include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder, as distinct phenomenon. However, I believe that, fundamentally, they are just different flavors of sociopathy and, in fact, there’s a great deal of overlap within these diagnoses. It is also my belief that sociopathy lies at the heart of the Cluster B disorders.

A lack of empathy, exploiting others for your own gain, and the refusal to be held accountable for the harm you cause others are the cornerstones of sociopathy. If you want to split hairs and say, “No, no, no. Borderlines and Narcissists act in sociopathic ways because they fear abandonment, rejection and feeling and appearing inferior and not because they’re sociopaths,” be my guest.

And while you’re engaging in that fanciful argument, defending these individuals who often leave a wake of victims in their path, and explaining why sociopathic behavior isn’t really sociopathic if an individual has been diagnosed with a different personality disorder or illness, just stop for a minute.

Stop and consider for just one minute how the real victims, you know, the husbands, boyfriends, children, exes, and the new partners of the exes who are on the receiving end of the abusive behaviors feel.

By the way, if you weren’t able to think about someone else’s feelings and their pain for one full minute, without interjecting a “yes, but what about my pain,” I think I may have just proven at least one of my points.

It’s time to readjust our perspectives when it comes to female sociopathy.

First, we need to truly and fully realize that female sociopathy exists. Professionals in the fields of psychology and law need to harden themselves to the tears and manipulations of female sociopaths who play victim just as we do in cases of male sociopathy. For some reason, male tears seem to lack the magical power of female tears.

Sociopaths, regardless of gender, are ultimately treatment resistant, no matter how prettily they cry or how pitiful they seem.

Isn’t a woman who shows no empathy toward her husband, who sets out to deliberately rob him of as many of his assets as she possibly can, who believes she’s entitled to money and other material goods for which she hasn’t worked, who robs her husband of the people he loves most, his children, who teaches children to hate and abuse their father, who derives pleasure from sadistically hurting and punishing her husband and who laughs at her husband’s pain and claims he “deserved it” and “had it coming,” isn’t she just as sociopathic as, say, Bernie Madoff who infamously said, “Fuck my victims?”

Why is it important that we recognize female sociopathy?

So that we can better protect our children and ourselves. I’d like to believe that if we, as a society, were better able to manage our collective cognitive dissonance about female predators, that the children of women like Theresa Riggi, Casey Anthony, Fiona Donnison, and Kelli Lynn Murphy would still be alive. And that the countless men, women and children who have had their lives ruined by these predators would not have had to suffer so needlessly nor be run through the wood chipper of family court, children’s services and parental alienation.

And yes, it would be great for individuals with sociopathic traits to get help and get better, but, at least for me, my priority is helping and protecting the victims of sociopaths.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Photo credit:

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Thank you to Natalie for being such a wonderful guest and providing such helpful information. Thank you to callers and the folks hanging out in the chat room. Thank you also to Paul Elam of AVoiceforMen for screening calls.

For those of you who are interested, the two songs featured on this program are You’re Breakin’ My Heart by Harry Nilsson and Mr Guilty by Loudon Wainwright, III.

Here is the embed:

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Her articles include:

• Interview with New Shrink4Men Contributor, Part One: Natalie Malonis, Family Law and High-Conflict Divorce Attorney
• Interview with New Shrink4Men Contributor, Part Two: Natalie Malonis, Family Law and High-Conflict Divorce Attorney
• Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist
• Parental Alienation: Navigating the Court System, Part 1
• Parental Alienation: Navigating the Court System, Part 2
• Personality Disorder Diagnoses in Family Law: Pros and Cons
• Family Court Minefields: Dirty Tricks Used by High-Conflict People in Custody Disputes and Parallel Parenting, Part 1

The show will begin with a brief interview with Ms. Malonis and then we’ll take your calls. If you have questions or stories you would like to share, please Skype in or call (310) 388-9709.

If you can’t catch the show live, but would still like to ask a question, please post them as comments below.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.