Why should I keep living it?

What is the point of living it?

Being busy, learning, working hard, serving others, trying to be kind and selfless… that’s what got me here. I put everything I had into everything I did and got glandular fever and chronic fatigue for my troubles. Now I’m trapped here, commanded to do nothing, to rest, to not stress. I have to rely on people to do things for me and to help me. The roles are reversed.

Being at peace, cruising through life, resting, being lazy and looking after yourself… that sucks too. You wouldn’t think it would, but believe me. After a year and a half of being sick and months of being caged in my room, unable to do things without exhausting myself, unable to visit friends and in the end loosing the courage to even try, prevented from doing what I love or from earning a salary and being independent… it gets old really fast. Yet the me from before won’t leave me alone, pestering me to achieve. And when I cant, I feel like such a failure… I am a failure…

I don’t even know if I’m talking to anyone out there… Maybe I’m just typing words into the empty expanse of the world wide web… oh well… no one cares anyways… everything is pointless… everything is meaningless…

It feels like I’m staring into an empty darkness. I stand alone. I’m crying, screaming, but no sound escapes. There’s a cage around my heart. I struggle to take the next breath. I drown alone. Can anyone hear me? Silent screams rip through my mind… I am alone.

Is there anyone here with me in the darkness? Are there others? Other silent screams…

We can’t hear each others cries… locked away deep inside… fighting the black mist… fighting alone… fighting, but hoping for death…

Each battling their own heavy shadows… wondering if… I stand alone…

This is my silent scream. The only way it can escape into words. Writing is still painful…still a struggle…the words don’t want to come out… but maybe it will help my soul explode… maybe then it will finally be able to heal. Maybe someone will hear my silent scream and know that they are not alone. Maybe together we can defeat the blackness that chains us, that sucks us into the earth, into the depths.

This is my story.

Here I am… this is me… for now, I stand alone.