of secrets and non-secrets, and of thoughts that do not belong anywhere..."

Letting Go

2012-01-29T19:01:00.001-08:00

When fighting has become a cliche and there is no means to save what you have tried saving. Give it up and hand it over to God. When you have held His hand, you'll realize that there's no other hand you want to hold again.

Remember, you are stronger with Him by your side.

Do Not Falter

2012-01-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

Do not be disheartened when people doubt your commitment because even Christ Jesus suffered the same..."And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house. And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief - Matthew 13:57-58"

...

2012-01-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

I Declare

2012-01-24T17:12:00.000-08:00

I love you, Lord God.

I'm Proud To Be A Tree Hugger

2012-01-24T17:01:00.000-08:00

I am DANIEL CEELINE S. RAMONAL, I lived and studied in BAGUIO CITY for 4 years, constantly went back there for vacations, and spent the happiest days in my life there. I have always considered Baguio as my home. I hereby PUBLICLY DECLARE that I AM AGAINST the earthballing/relocation of trees up on Luneta Hill to pave the way for SM City Baguio's expansion project.

(Now how hard is that, dear Public Servants? No, declaring you're an environmentalist and is generally against the cutting of trees and have planted trees in the past does not state your position on the matter. And yes, THIS IS A PROPER FORUM.)

Not My Usual Letter

2012-01-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

Ma, I know that I have not been a good daughter most times and I have also let my anger get in the way when I lash out on you with harsh, hurtful words. I am sorry if I have hurt you. I promise to bite my tongue and try harder next time. No, you are not dreaming Ma...it is really happening---I am apologizing. Hahaha.

(Mama's response)

Hi Den. It's okay. I actually understand and love you even if you think I had been remiss in so many ways. Deep in me, I have always wanted only the best in all of you. I love you. I'm a mother first and foremost, over and above my needs and wants. I will never turn my back from any of you no matter what. Just forgive me in my 'kapabayaan' and for whatever I did in the past. Just know I have always wanted all of you to be at peace and happy with whatever your line in life would be. Take care and thank you.

(And then I cried.)

Happy Birthday, Den!

2012-01-22T06:44:00.001-08:00

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest - Joshua 1:9

This Is It

2012-01-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

Yes. Let's do this.

...

2012-01-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

Reasons and Seasons

2012-01-18T00:39:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with a friend who was currently being harassed by a certain somebody. He said that there's this loser who was sending messages to his fiance using a bogus account and advising her to save herself from an impending doom. Okay, it wasn't really stated that way but I just wanted it to be more dramatic. In short, she was told to back out and this loser was pretending to be a concerned friend. Hmmmmm...why does this plotline sound so familiar? Oh I know why, I went through some similar shit last year. I told him that this person may not be a guy (because I don't think a guy would actually bother to send those messages) but it might be a skunk that he got casually involved with in the past. With no arm-twisting done, he said 'yes, I had girls in the past but I'm ready to roll now;' and when I heard this, it was music to my ears. I love being a witness to a player's change of heart. My friend's playing days are over, he was ready to settle down because he has found the right girl. I don't really care about what the loser has been spreading --- he can shove that up his ass for all I care because if two people really loved each other, they will never let anything as pathetic as this attempt get in the way. I care more for the fact that my friend is a changed man.

How I wish I can be someone's reason for changing, rather than simply being a season. But then this story is not about me...to my good friend, Andy --- congratulations! I wish you well.

Siem Reap, Cambodia

2012-01-17T19:01:00.000-08:00

Samut Songkram, Thailand

2012-01-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

That Rain Never Came

2012-01-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I smelled the rain
but the rain never came
instead the sun beat on my building's roof
while I waited for your shadow to appear
you always said that the rain will come soon
and I hated it when you said it
I hated the rain when I was outside
it made my vision blurry,
I had to carry my umbrella like an old woman as I made splashing sounds
and made my practical shoes cry

I waited and remembered
remembered watching you sleep, all curled up like a fetus
hugging Mr. Hotdog to yourself
remembered brushing your hair and tracing that mark
that made you, distinctly you
remembered how we used to laugh and exchange stories
until our eyes drooped and begged us to sleep
remembered when I opened my door to see you standing there
and felt like I suddenly knew where the pot of gold was hidden

yes, the rain never came today
just like you never did
on the same day when she changed her name,
to broadcast her freedom maybe.

Busy Bee

2012-01-15T21:16:00.000-08:00

My plate is going to be full next month until April (I think).

First, I will be backpacking with friends next month. The same friends who initially showed me Thailand and Cambodia. I'm not allowed to say the name of one of my friends so I can't mention her here. If I put the name of the other friend, that will give her away since they are stuck like glue. I'll just mention the additional people we will be spending our trip with, Jana and Andrew. I am really excited and I am anxious to discover Phnom Penh with you guys; it's just disappointing that I will have to take a pass on the Vietnam trip though. Don't forget your pasalubongs. LOL.

Second, I will meet a college friend who I have not seen in ages. I'm not sure if she will need a tour since she has been in Bangkok countless times but I'll probably have to think of something interesting that will keep us busy just in case we run out of stories; which I think will be quite unlikely.

Third, Mama and Kuya are coming over for a month's vacation. Yahoo! I am looking forward to decent breakfasts and dinners which my mother will gladly prepare. And of course, I can't wait to show them Bangkok. (It would have been better though if my Papa and my sister will be here too. Sadly, I am still waiting for my father to decide as to when he will visit me here. He says the hospital is pretty busy these days and it's difficult to find a replacement.)

Once my family goes home, I think my backpacking friends will come back and stay until 'I don't know when' since they were not certain as to when they will go back home. Hahahaha.

See you soon, everyone!

Goodbye Christmas

2012-01-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

I finally forced myself to pack the tree and all other christmas stuff around my apartment. It took me 2 hours to finish the task. Even up to the last minute, I prolonged completing the task because this would mean I would really have to say goodbye to christmas and wait again. I have always had this problem. Letting go of things which I loved. This is the main reason I have too many junk in my trunk. I keep things and pack them away so I can go back to them one day, to remember the happiness I felt. I like to reason that I am just being practical, that these things are things that I can probably use in the future; but the truth is I am just another hoarder. I hoard and stack things safely in one secret corner, away from prying eyes.

I really should learn to let go of some things this 2012. Seriously.

An Evening Prayer

2012-01-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

If I have wounded any soul today,
If I have caused one foot to go astray,
If I have walked in my own willful way,
Dear Lord, forgive!

If I have uttered idle words or vain,
If I have turned aside from want or pain,
Lest I myself shall suffer through the strain,
Dear Lord, forgive!

If I have been perverse or hard, or cold,
If I have longed for shelter in Thy fold,
When Thou hast given me some fort to hold,
Dear Lord, forgive!

Forgive the sins I have confessed to Thee;
Forgive the secret sins I do not see;
O guide me, watch over me and my keeper be,
Dear Lord, Amen.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2012-01-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

There's a big difference between being a bitch and being bitchy. There's a reason why a woman is called a whore. (If you don't know the definition then I suggest you don't use it) There's truth (or untruth I might say) to being referred to as useless. Some men have the balls to f*ck around and even have the nerve to badmouth the women they took for granted. Obviously, we cannot change what you have already said but let me just ask you 'Sirena ka or shiokoy?'

Viber Power

2012-01-07T20:15:00.001-08:00

I am falling inlove with viber! It's the perfect feature and I never understood why I never used it before. I just finished talking to three of my friends using viber and I just love talking to them without worrying about the minutes. I was able to talk to April (who I discovered was in Hongkong right this very minute --- you better buy me that plate!), Ruby Joy (who is based in Cayman Island) and Ceangy (who is in the Philippines). I was even able to exchange messages with Rhodo who is in New York. Perfect for the likes of me. LOL.

Now, if only I can convince my family to install the feature so I can talk to them everyday...

There is

2012-01-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

There is no starting over.
There is only that scar on your left cheek,
there to let the band know that a fool approaches
so they can play their music.

There is no room for love.
There is only that word they call survival,
there to remind you that you have two legs
so to keep you upright.

There is no kindness in empty words.
There is only that harsh truth
there to let you lick your wounds while you hide in one corner
candy-coated for your convenience.

There is, however, a million memories that you can recreate
for a moment's peace
recreate that kiss,
that instance when your hands first touched,
that silence shared after a stolen glance.

That is all there is
before you go back to weaving dreams for children you have learned to call your own.

...

2011-12-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

Get well soon, Ma!

Reality Bites

2011-11-27T09:55:00.000-08:00

Alright, it's here. I need to pack and go back to Bangkok now. The flood has receded. Classes start on the 1st. This unplanned vacation is over. It's time go back to reality and start making up for the 5-week loss. No more Christmas vacation for you, Den. Although I will miss my annual visit to my family, I think this one's for my own good. One, I'm not ready to go home yet. Two, I have already bled myself dry financially because of my recent travels and I need to start saving for something huge that I have recently concocted. So there.

Oh Well

2011-11-25T00:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big fan of competitions. Honestly, it was not something that I enjoyed doing (even when I was actually in it). This is the main reason why I hated being placed in a spot where I will be open to being compared with someone else. I know what my strengths are and I know where I am weak at. If I know that I can contribute to the cause then I will gladly lend a hand but if I will turn out to be a liability, I would rather sit in one corner and watch those who are excellent in that aspect shine. Sadly, some people perceive this as an attitude problem. Oh well, we can't please everyone.

Apathy, the answer to such problems.

Malacca, Malaysia

2011-11-23T08:17:00.000-08:00

A Letter

2011-11-23T08:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Heart,

Stressful year, right? After that eventful September last year, we both thought that you could no longer handle the blows but you sure proved me wrong. I watched in amazement as you braced yourself to be displayed on my sleeve again, bruised but ready to give whatever what was left. We loved again without caution, thinking that fate was on our side this time but sadly, we were wrong again for the nth time. I was the sad spectator of how he ripped you apart and I just let him because we both thought he was the one. I am sorry. I should have kept you safe and gave you time to heal instead of jumping on that bandwagon again. I made a mistake, Heart and I do not know how to fix you this time. You seemed different now. You harbour ill feelings and you nurture the hate growing inside you. They hover above us like dark clouds. Your wounds are not healing, you're not allowing them to heal; hence we remember what happened - the airport scene, Chinatown, the secrets, the other women, the endless packing, and the waiting. You are bitter, angry and resigned to disenchantment. I did this to you. I should have taken better care of you and kept you away from the clutches of that mad man.

Don't worry, Heart. He can't hurt you anymore because I won't let him. Sleep for now, rest and find comfort in knowing that I kept you where no one else can find you. When the right time comes and God wills it, you'll be yourself again - shiny, happy and alive.

Wake up when you're ready.

After Rehearsals

2011-11-13T05:46:00.000-08:00

my unbound hands traced the price
and it was more than what I had prayed for
I sat here brooding for hours
over stitches that were never clean enough
and wounds that unknowingly open
just for the heck of opening
I watched the shadow hover above my head last night
as my body spiraled around the studio
while my feet tried to reclaim its former glory

the price
for wrong decisions that were corrected
for impatient strides that were retraced
and for love, love that has turned sour overnight.