Singing at Midnight

My New Years Resolution Is To Not Be So Lame

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 22:57:00 +0000

It's a New Year. A time for new starts, fresh attitudes and hope is in the air. Well, leave it to me to be sulking in bed scrolling through all of the happy Facebook posts adding my own more "realistic" commentary to what is probably actually going on in their perfect Facebook world.

Dont get me wrong, I think I'm a pretty grateful person for the most part. And in my own defense, I have my fair share of real life struggles that make it easy for someone to lie in bed and enjoy a pity party every now and again.

But then it just hits me sometimes. (And boy am I glad when it does because I can get pretty lame if I go unchecked for a while!)

Thoughts begin to invade my brain and challenge my more dumb approach to life...

"Is this really who I want to be?"

"Do I want to just exist in this life?"

"You know better. Get up."

"Do whatever you can to be love with whatever it is you do have."

"You have a choice."

"You may feel defeated right now. But this is what determines real strength. Endurance."

"So?! What do you choose?!"

At this point I know what needs to be done. I've lived too many years broke, lonely and barely trying to get by...but with absolute true joy and gratitude resounding in my heart and life. I know better.

There is no way to achieve true joy other than to give of yourself. Your love. Your time. When I lose the "others focused" mentality I am left to only think about myself and those in my small little circle. What a dangerous place to be!

Everything begins to revolve around you and your need or desire for happiness. You try to get it any way you can and it ends up sucking the life out of you and anyone near you.

So today I had a little wake up call and decided to give in whatever way I was capable.

I had WAY too much lasagna and desserts left over from the holidays so I started there. Dished up healthy portions into to go containers and wrote notes of joy, silliness and/or encouragement on each.

Next I went through a drawer of hotel toiletries that had just been taking up space and divided out little hygiene care packages.

I knew of a local hang out where the homeless community hung out but it was mostly men and I really wanted to give them some new clothes, especially something to help keep warm. Sooo, my boyfriend grew very curious as to why he was receiving picture texts of his clothing asking how attached he might be to certain items from his closet! He went along with my weirdness without explanation and BAM I had outfits to give!

I grabbed some sodas from the fridge and grocery bags from under the sink...the kitchen was a flurry for a solid 2 hours! I stopped in a local shop who happily gave me take out utensils and napkins to top off my goods.

I wrote funny notes on the bags and off I went to hopefully not make a fool of myself. I prayed with each step that if there were people there when I arrived that God would place just the right ones who needed whatever it was I had to offer.

I determined I wouldn't say much, just smile and be friendly. So to my surprise I saw 4 men hanging out at the spot. (I had 4 bags!) I smiled and casually greeted them and wished them a happy new year. I walked passed and began to leave the bags against the wall without words. They must have read the bags and knew right away what I was doing.

There was a mix of shock, confusion and sweet sweet childlike gratitude as I walked off quietly and left them to look through the items with dignity. The look on one of their faces will stay with me.

I am so grateful for the moments that come and kick me in my stupid butt. The world needs LESS of my selfishness and way more of whatever it is I can give at whatever moment I might be in.

It can be difficult to make the transition from self centered to others centered. We are pretty much programmed to "do what makes you happy!" I say that is the worst piece of advice. Do what makes someone else happy and watch what kind of true joy you will experience in yourself.

Well, That Won't Make Sense

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:24:00 +0000

I found a few blogs I wrote 2 years ago that I chose to not publish here. So if my timeframes seem out of whack, the posts in between my comeback post this month and this one are all from 2012.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:14:00 +0000

That's right, folks! I'm that lucky girl! Menopause at 29!

Let me back up and explain a bit...

For the last couple of years I have experienced seemingly random medical issues that were just so crummy. (Fair Warning: Following symptoms not for the weak tummy friends!)

It all started when I got my period...and it would NOT go away! I saw my Dr after a month and a half of this madness and she just said it's just my body getting older and making adjustments, bla bla bla. "After all, you're almost 30 now." Yeah. Gee, thanks.

She was a bit more willing to listen after I was back in her office another month and a half later with the same problem. 3 months straight of being on your period. Awesome. (Can you feel my excitement?!)

Next came a series of equally crummy crap. (Medical terminology. I hope you can keep up with my endless vocabulary of impressiveness) My weight shot up by a good 15 lbs. When you are 5'2 and about 120lbs, this is a major problem. I popped right out of all of my clothing and was a hot mess.

And then there is the acne. Gotta love being a grown adult, a mother of two and a full face of painful, gross cystic acne. It was so horrendous and lasted for over a year and a half. Now I have the gift of being covered in nasty scars and my skin has been ravaged.

Issue after issue kept coming up. Pain in abdomin, oddly high cholesterol, blotchy skin discoloration, having to get up to use the restroom on average 4-5 times each night and the hunched over in pain for days kind of constipation. (You are welcome for the delicious visual) And let's not forget the gut wrencher...the inability to concieve naturally.

It took countless doctor appointments, 6 or 7 different doctors and specialists to finally figure out that I had a combination of Endometriosis and PCOS (Polysyctic Ovarian Syndrome). It all sounded like gibberish to me.

Unfortunately neither of these conditions have any cure. This was my "new normal". I was less than thrilled.

I scheduled surgery to attempt to relieve some of the abdominal pain caused by the endometriosis immediatley. Recovery was rough and I'm not so sure how much it actually helped.

So the kicker. "We want to set your body into a temporary premature state of menopause" You can imagine my confusion and shock. All I knew about menopause was it was for old ladies. They complained about sticking their heads in freezers because they were so miserably hot and went batcrap crazy freaking out their loved ones with all their emotional rollercoasters! Sign me up!?!?!

She explained that the drug, Lupron, would shut down my girly parts giving my "angry uterus" time to settle and heal from so much trauma experienced over the years. Ohhhhhkay. My angry Uterus. That's a new one.

I took all my new information and somehow managed to autopilot myself home. Trying to digest my "new normal". About 18 pills a day.

As a single woman it was exceptionally exciting to be in a new relationship while entering this new phase. This poor guy had no idea what he signed up for!

I had my moments of "why me" and "this sucks" but then realized I had a choice to make. I could pout and be miserable, taking anyone around down with me. Or... I could give this menopause crap the middle finger and fight like hell!

I am about a month and a half into the treatment now. Ideally they wanted me on 2 3 month injections. A total of 6 months of treatment.

I will say I am fighting and refuse to give up. I will also say there have been battles that I felt like the illness won. Days I cried like a baby and missed church becasue I couldn't pull myself together. Days I yelled at the kids knowing full well it was not justified. Days I couldn't bring myself to blog becuase I felt like the menopause had just stolen my brain. I could not create and write. (I am still nervous that this post is even logical or worth crap) It absolutely plays with your mind.

As well as your mind, it plays with your body. I had lost all of the weight by hard work and strict diet and was incredibly proud of myself. Well, every single pound is back. It only took about a month to gain nearly 12ish pounds. I feel like a lazy failure in this department. The ugly truth is that I have the compulsions to eat all day, every day. As if nothing will satisfy my unrest and anxiety other than food. And lots of it. I inhale it like a person who has been starved. Complete binge eating. It frightens me that I can't seem to control this part.

I learned that I am losing my health insurance about 3/4 of the way into this treatment plan. So, I have decided to not take the second injection of Lupron. I can't lie and say I'm not a bit relieved to try and find some normalcy again. I just went back to school and trying to study and progress in studies is proving to be quite the challenge with menopause brain.

I have faced a lot of adversity and challenges in my little life. I can now add menopause to the lovely list. I hope I can look back and say I kicked its booty but that is yet to be determined. (It may be a more accurate study to ask those around me that had to put up with me during this trial!)

The Power of Nice

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:14:00 +0000

I have always believed I held great power. Well, I have always believed each and every one of us holds great power. Power over ourselves,. Power over situations. Power of decisions. Power over our thoughts. But what I feel most powerful... Power over others.

We have tremendous power over those around us in our every day, average, normal lives.

I see each day as a string of choices. We make choices in almost every moment of every day. Where will I go now? Who will I see next?

How about the choices we are barely aware we are making... I'm not going to make eye contact with that person. Oh boy, let's avoid that situation.

We navigate our days with a series of choices whether we are aware of this or not.

When I sit back and observe people and situations I often find myself thinking "If they only recognized their own power."

A mother screaming at her child, perhaps calling him a nasty or worthless name. A spouse berating or nagging at the other. Ripping them down by their most vulnerable spots. A teacher giving up on a child who may need a little extra help. A complete stranger spouting rudeness to someone who maybe made a mistake or bumped into them.

Can we not see the opportunities right in front of our eyes to be nice? To show mercy, compassion and love? When did this go out of style? I believe it went out of style when our culture decided we (ourselves) are most important. If you or your actions do not reflect this way of thinking then you are in the wrong and must pay for it. It's all about me.

Somehow we have confused ourselves about where joy comes from. Our culture acts as if joy comes from things and pleasure. But take a look at those people who live this way. Are they joyful? Nope. If anything they are consistently displeased and discontent. Always looking for more.

Now let's switch gears here. If that same rude attitude had the power over another person to make them feel rejected, foolish or angry... I wonder what would have transpired had you reacted to their mistake with grace. Compassion. Love.

The mother of the child used her words to encourage her child. Uplifting their sprits and giving them the self confidence to grow and feel worthy. Instead of a naggy spouse you use your power to build them up and show them in love that you believe in them and would be by their side. (Hello to a new, revived, encouraged and happy spouse!) Or the teacher who chooses to believe in that child. Using their power to inpire and challenge this young student.

We have such power over those around us. We have the power to breathe life into a lonely soul who may be contmplating the end. we have the power to put a smile on the face of a stranger with a simple compliment. We have to power to give hope to the hopeless.

Do you think for a second you would not be changed by this? This is the kind of life a joyful person lives. Nice. Grace. Love. Compassion. This is where you find true joy.

I'd like to challenge you to try this out! Maybe start with one situation a day. If you would normally speak harshly to your spouse, try to speak out of love and encouragement. If you are a screamer with your children, try to communicate gentleness and peace. Smile at a stranger. Engage in a conversation with the clerk at the grocery check out line. Play with your power and watch it tranform others. Give an extra hug. Tell someone you appreciate them.

You will be stunned at the joy you feel as you learn to love and bless others. It's a powerful thing.

The Other Side of Welfare

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:14:00 +0000

Lately it is almost daily I flip open my laptop, login into any social media site and get hit by a sting that makes me want to put my head down or maybe scream. Or both. It's kinda confusing...here we go...

I am a recipient of welfare. Yep.

And guess what...I'd pass a drug test. I don't have an iPad. I don't drive a Mercedes. I have never used food stamps to purchase fancy meals. Yes, I have an iphone...but easy on the quick judgements and righteous attitudes. It was a gift. Because I can't afford something like that. Yep, I actually live on a budget, take wonderful care of my kids, have no credit debt and am working my tail off to provide a better life for me and my children.

Now, I understand that there are many people out there who abuse the system and make a lifestyle of standing in lines for handouts. I'm not one of them.

It's not only people like them but also people like the ones posting and ranting derogatory remarks every chance they get publicly on social media that make me feel like I should be ashamed to ask for help when I am the reason the system is even in place! I wish people could stop placing judgement without thinking. Just throwing the hate around, knowing nothing about the struggles people like me face.

The man I trusted our lives to dumped us with absolutely nothing. I've worked up to 3 jobs at one time just trying to make ends meet while he enjoyed a footloose and fancy free life. I have worked harder in the last 4.5 years than most people have to work in a lifetime. All to make a better life for my children after our world was flipped on us.

I went back to school for a chance at a career. I shovel horse crap every morning to earn a couple of bucks in between getting both kids ready and on the bus and hurrying to class all day, all week. Every moment of every day is devoted to making our life better. And we still barely get by.

So, yes. I asked for help so I could have the opportunity to do the hard work it would take to make these changes. I qualified for a loan to go back to school and type on this here laptop. I have help to supply food for my children and for a short time some help that allowed me to seek necessary medical attention.

And guess what...I'm grateful. And you ready for the shocker...I can't wait to be independent again so I no longer need assistance.

If even one person could ease up on public blasting of those on welfare I will consider my vulnerability in this post worth it.

"But You Have So Much Potential!"

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:11:00 +0000

Ha! Wasn't that the worst growing up? Those slimy 6 words that made you feel a whole 6 inches tall. Some random grown up with their disapproving eyes wagging a finger in your disinterested face. "Oh honey, ...but you have so much potential!" It always seemed to me like a more polite approach to saying you currently have absolutely nothing going for you...

Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself staring down my own nose, catching my p.o.v...a wagging finger...pointed at some young buck. "Oh. but they have soooo much potential!"

Funny how we come full circle. But in this case it's a bit of an "ah-ha!" moment. Where you want to go back and hug those people who believed in you and took a moment to pour into you. Believeing you could achieve greatness...but one small catch. You must believe it yourself. And we can't make you.

I have found that my strength in this this situation is also my curse. Sometimes I meet a certain someone and something just clicks inside of me. I can see a future for this person unlike they can even imagine themselves. This feeling deep down that they were created for more than just an average life. My heart swells and I get all kinds of excited about the "potential!"

Sometimes you hit a homerun and can feel like you may have had an impact on someone's life and it is thrilling! Maybe, just maybe, you made a difference in their future. Helping them see themselves in the most beautiful light no matter their circumstances. Propeling them forward, believing in themselves. It is nothing short of incredible to see someone learn to see themselves as a person of value.

However, unfortunately, it feels like more times than not I end up sad and disappointed at their lack of desire to believe. To do a little hard work and create a better life, learn to be proud and love themselves. At times it feels like my own loss.

So, I've learned the best thing you can do for such people is to continue to love them. Accept them for exactly for who they are ...but never give up on them. You never know when their heart may soften. And who knows, it may take just that one more time of showing interest that they finally begin to believe that maybe there is a hint of truth in all your crazy talk!

A Letter to the Daddies

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:07:00 +0000

Dad. Stepdad. Father-In-Law. Even the guy who plays Dad to the little boy who doesn't know his real father. You.

You. Are. Precious. Your worth is beyond measure.

I was out and about the other day and came upon a Daddy out with his 2 girls. Just the 3 of them. Nothing extraordinary was going on and we were no place special. I found myself just staring, soaking them in with a smile. All I could think of was how lucky those girls were. They will grow up being shaped by man who loves them, fulfills their hearts needs and instills self respect from way deep down. So powerful.

Maybe it is the boy at the park with his old man. To the average observer they are simply honing this kids pitching skills. Oh but there is just so much more going on there. This boy is being formed every day into whatever kind of man he will become. So I watch the 2 interact. I see love. I see investment. I see self-respect. I see determination and drive. This Daddy is pouring into his son, teaching him with his every word and action.

Daddies, you are so very important. Please don't ever doubt your value in your childs life. It doesnt matter how fantastic of a mother your children have. They need you. As much as Mommy can try, there is something in us all that makes us crave our Daddy. What an incredible calling you all have.

You and only you can fill that little Daddy shaped spot in the hearts of your children. Your love is a vital part of your childs deepest needs. The love of a father can move mountains within a child's soul.

Thank you to all of the Daddies out there who take that extra second to snuggle their baby girl. Or the Daddy who reads that one last book with his son before bedtime. You are making a difference.

You matter.

Being a father is such a high calling. My hope for you is that you cherish each moment and respect the deep connection you will always have with your children. There may come a day when your mistakes catch up with you and your babies have grown and walked away. Do not give up. They do still need their Daddy. Never give up on yourself. Do whatever it takes to heal those wounds. Hear me, never give up. Your love should be unconditional and relentless.

Good or bad, Daddies will mold their babies. The choice is up to you. But, please know, it matters.

You matter.

Picking Up Where I Left Off...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:07:00 +0000

So many times over the last two years I have thought to myself "I should really blog about this" or something along the lines of "I need to get this out and don't want to bore everyone around me so maybe I can blog to my imaginary audience to feel better." :)

Regardless of all of the excuses I have had, now is the time. It has been almost exactly 2 years to the day since my last post and in most ways life has stayed the same. In some respect this is a good thing, but overall this is just kinda sad!

I have jump started this journey back into blogging by rereading all of my previous posts. It was eye opening to realize some of the very struggles I poured out about were still taking up residency in my life...against my wishes! And then on the more positive side, some of the deep rooted love of family, faith and my children are still very much the same too. :)

This last week has been a tremendous eye opener for me. Hurts and habits that have been so deeply rooted in my life (so deep I literally had no idea they existed) have been brought to life and I am now sifting through the details. Trying to make sense of the "why" of it all and most importantly learning how to change these learned behaviors and conquer them once and for all.

I anticipate my blogs may have a roller coaster feel of ups and downs for a while as I trudge through some of the muck. Hey, maybe all you will take away from this experience is feeling a little better about yourself and your progress in life! ;-) I'll be cool with that.

Holiday Cheer...Ish.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 21:55:00 +0000

I apologize in advance if you've stumbled upon this post as a first visit to my blog... I am typically full of optimism and silver linings... Not really today.

The holidays have been a rough spot for the last several years. Post divorce and still praying for someone to complete our family unit and fill in the little daddy shaped holes in my children's hearts.

Each year I tell myself I will celebrate and change the cycle of sad. I end up just getting through, feeling satisfied that at least I was able to keep a smile on my face and feign excitement for the kids sake. This year, unfortunately, was a repeat of the past 4.

It seemed like everyone I knew as a "single friend" had finally found their other half and were either getting hitched or announcing the engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them. But left feeling like I've just been forgotten. Or worse, not worthy.

The last few years have been rough and this past year, especially dumb. It's probably a good thing nobody came along because I'm not sure it could have even worked. Well, actually I know it wouldn't have since the one I thought was well, you know, THE one came...promised...and then went. I'm not altogether sure I'm not over that one just yet. (Who am I kidding)

I feel guilty for complaining because so many have it far worse. Trust me, I know this. I just would like to feel like my feelings matter. I understand it could be worse.

I mean, although the Waffle House staff is lovely and I enjoy spending holidays with them... I think I'm ready to move on.

I do have faith. Even with faith, it's difficult to walk the journey at times. You know something will come to you but you have no idea when, how or really anything. It wears on your strength sometimes. Holidays always getcha.

The worst part I think is that I know what I want but it isn't within reach. And possibly not even Gods plan for me. Having to make a choice of keep holding on because its so important, or let go, endure the pain and try your best to move on.

The one thing I do know is that letting go feels an awful lot like giving up. And that's one thing this girl just can't do.

...this post brought to you from the comfort of my good ole standby booth at my trusty Waffle House...

This One Hits Close To Home...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 16:31:00 +0000

Latest blog is Featured on Project: Underblog today... Just click the link to read...

http://nblo.gs/FURuV

Oh, You'll Need To See An Advisor In The Disabilities Office...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 02:38:00 +0000

The last month or so has been "survival mode" for me. I was drowning in my math class, overwhelmed with mandatory lab hours in sign language, working 2 hours each morning in the barn before getting the kids and myself off to school...coming to a head with a long, drawn out court battle with my ex who lives to tear me down...I had to flip into auto pilot and just get through this mess one day at a time.

I began to realize that in spite my intense approach to tackling my life long nemesis, math, I was losing and was about to face full suspension from all classes if I did not pass with a C. Pressure was mounting and I was drowning no matter how hard I worked. An incredible friend of mine stepped in and offered to "sponsor" me in math by paying for a tutor. I've never really heard of being a "sponsored" math student but I was relieved and humbled at his effort to support my dream and chance at a better life for the kids and I.

Well, about 30 hours of tutoring later, 6 out of 7 nights a week, at least 2.5-3 hours nightly leading up to the final exam...I failed the class. Again. That was it. Done. Unable to continue any studies for 1 full year. It didn't matter that I had all straight A's and has tested into the sign language interpreters program. Dreams for a better future, shot.

The worst part was that I didn't even get to finish half of the test. I ran out of time and was not permitted to even bubble in educated guesses, being forced to take at least 40% zeros. I began to sob uncontrollably. How is it possible that I THAT stupid? How can I not get through a learning support algebra class as an adult?! It was high school failure all over again, torturous.

I went to the head of the dept and sobbed like a child. There was no sympathy, just a cold shoulder. I was devastated. I felt I had failed all of the people who were personally invested in helping me succeed. My "sponsor", my friends who watched my kids so I could go tutor, my friends who sat in as a tutor, dozens of people who poured in love and encouragement who KNEW I would prevail. I felt I had let them all down and was crushed.

Well, something fell into my lap from a friend I hadn't spoken to since high school. She sent me a message explaining that based on some of the things I had shared she believed I should be evaluated for a learning disability. I didn't think much of it at first and went on with my night. Little by little I began to recall several people over the course of a few weeks (mainly those who did math life with me) asking if I had ever been told I was possibly dyslexic. I was puzzled and like "um, no. weirdo." Some would gently tell me..."did you know there is such a thing as dyslexia with numbers?" I just dismissed. Nah, I'm just rally bad at math. I get it from my Mom. (sorry, mom!) It was a joke in our family that all of Mom's funny things she wasn't great at, I inherited! (I'd be well off in this life if I could be even half of the woman my mom is...awful math and all)

So I decided to just take a peek and Google this "dyslexia with numbers" deal. You know, just to say I did and move on.

What I read not only stopped me cold in my tracks, it changed life as I know it forever. All of the odd things I never admitted to others out of fear of embarrassment, all of the concepts I could just never ever grasp...it was ALL there. Things I would have never realized were somehow connected. I wasn't just bad at math or stupid. I had Dyscalculia. There was no doubt.

It was the strangest experience. I went from devastated-failure-mess to thrilled-hopeful-ecstatic. My emotions were on the most intense roller coaster ever. I printed my documents and off to school I went, determined to find answers and fight for myself. I approached my teacher who knew my situation and asked him if I could have permission to go look into this. It then when he looked at me and said "Yeah, you need to go to the disabilities office." Um. Come again?

No, no, no, you see, I go to school to help people with disabilities...I'm not the one with a disability. Oh, wait, hmmm. Definitely a challenge to be thrown on the opposite side of the table you are used to. I walked hesitantly into the building, wondering if I had a sign that said "broken" or "defective brain" or worse "disabled" as I walked toward that room 1300. No joke, luckily I had some humor to lighten the mood as I went to walk in...there was a sign saying "Accessible Door Is Not Working, Please Knock For assistance" ON THE DISABILITIES OFFICE DOOR! Palm to forehead moment for sure,

I went in and found it hard to say what I was there for. I had to admit I believed I had a disability and without special accommodations I would not be capable of getting through certain classes to graduate. Gulp. Me? Admit I am not fully capable? I am Mrs. Elbow Grease I Can Do Anything!

I met with the most incredible advisor and after a couple of hours finally began to relax and allow a slight bit of hope in. We concluded I do need to be tested and receive an official diagnosis. We feel confident that I suffer from this learning disability that wouldn't ya know...is genetic. Answers for Momma too! And oddly enough, I had been watching my daughters writing since last year after noticing some strange habits. The most common and disturbing being her writing as if she were looking into a mirror. And perfectly correct! And...when asked if it looks different than her regular work she says no! Hmmm, we may be onto something. Her teacher dies not feel it is a need for concern but I'll be watching.

I really don't even know how to summarize what I have taken from the last 24 hours because there is just too much. I see God's grace and provision, I see new a new light of compassion, I see a new fierce determination, I feel like I can scream "See!!! I'm not crazy!!!" and so so much more. All of the quirky things I couldn't grasp and understand were finally being explained. I wasn't just dumber than everyone else. The most exciting part right now is knowing that maybe there is some hope to learning better ways to educate myself in these areas. H-o-p-e.

And...I went back to cold math dept head today with my new finding and paperwork and a nice cheery, hopeful smile. She said she had been thinking of me and after listening to me she wanted to try and think of a way I could earn my passing grade to continue schooling and hopefully with my disability status and accommodations, be successful! She was clear she made no promises but said I may be able to do extra work over the break and earn my C. That was an incredible moment.

So, I am waiting to receive my appointment date and actually look forward to a potential diagnosis. It may sound like a strange thing to be excited for but when you have gone through life as I have as far as school and education, it is an incredible relief to think there is a reason for your immense struggle and hardship. And I will say it again..the word of the day... Hope. It is an immeasurable gift to finally have a tiny glimpse of hope in a lifelong hopeless situation.

Snarglebarf...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 03:48:00 +0000

...means I have no words...

Tonight my heart was rocked.

An email came to me through the women I volunteer with at church saying there was a single mom with 5 children who had landed on some difficult times and would not be able to provide gifts for her children this Christmas.

This familiar deep deep rooted mixture of wild emotions washed over me and I knew I had to jump in both feet first.

See, for the past 2 years I have been in her shoes. I am a single mom and first time college student, trying desperately to earn a better life for my family. If we couldnt afford to barely keep up with rent or a new coat during the winter, Christmas gifts were surely out of the question.

I have looked my (then) 6 year old son in the face and as gently as Ipossibly could, explained that we would not be exchanging gifts that year but that I knew his grandparents would do their best to try an make is special with a few things when we got down there. (Still wasn't sure how I was going to buy the gas to actually get them there)

My son looked me in the eye and without budging said :It's ok, mommy. I'm okay with just a few things from Grandma and Papa. Mom, do you want to have my money from my piggy bank? You can have it!"

I just cried happy tears that my boy was learning what is really important in this life. Not the gifts and shiny things, but love. Family. Compassion. Grace. My heart was overflowing.

Even now I'm not sure how we will make it through the holidays but that is not even on my worry radar screen. God has been so merciful and gracious to my little family.

I am mostly excited (like ridiculously excited) to play a small role in knowing the joy, the love that this other single mom will get to experience when her whole list is completely filled by strangers who support her! THAT is the good stuff. THAT is Christmas. THAT is love. ove should be a verb. You DO love. SHOW love. BE love.

This, my friends, is what I live for. What an incredibly meaningful night.

I am so grateful that I am learning how to live a joyous life through loving and serving others. It is truly unlike anything I have ever known.

Seeing People As A Story (Throwback Thursday, Oct. 2008)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 00:28:00 +0000

(Originally blogged October 2008)

So I have been reading “The Relationship Principles of Jesus” by Tom Holladay, a pastor from Saddleback Church in Lake Forrest CA.

I have been learning about how to love like Jesus and value relationships as they shoud be, the way Jesus did.

Confession…one of the more recent chapters I have read is about judging others. It teaches that we are not to be the judge of others, God is the only true and just judge. Well, let me tell ya…sometimes I feel like I am 24/7 in the world of like American Idol where anyone who steps in my path is just asking for it! And sometimes you think by the way people dress or act that maybe they are!

I can be cold in my thoughts toward a stranger on the street by automatically judging them in anyway…clothing, language, presentation…oh i am good..or bad really! So, today I was at the gym and I am not sure how or why this happened but I saw a woman running and instead of a quick “innocent” judgement, I thought to myself…hmmm…she has a story.

It was really a great way to help me from making an unfair, unkind judgement to take a second and see her as a story. So now, if I see someone who is rude or angry…something made them that way…they have a story….and maybe I can take a second and have compassion for them rather than just write them off.

I think if we remember to see everyone as a story it will help us be less critical and quick to judge!

Hopefully I can remove my head from my rear end long enough to make this a habit! Otherwise…just don’t wear or do anything stupid around me…youre just asking for it! Just kidding…kinda.

I'm So Fancy...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 00:13:00 +0000

So I blogged...but I'm so fancy it's exclusively found at ... Project: Underblog

Click on this here link, folks to eavesdrop on my thoughts...

Mrs. Lady Jane (Throwback Thursday Feb/2008)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 03:26:00 +0000

I met Mrs. Lady Jane today by accident. No, literally…she hit our car.

I was at the docks waiting to go test my dads new super cool boat out when it took longer than expected so the girls decided to go get food for everyone. So my friend Kenessa, my brother’s girlfriend, Jenny and I hopped into Kenessa’s car to get some grub. K drove and I sat shotgun with Jenny in the backseat of the compact car. Anyway, on our way back (we were only like 4 miles from the dock) all of the sudden we look over and notice that the car to our right (it was only a 2 lane road) was coming over and in that slight second you think “surely they will correct their mistake and get back…crash!” We all screamed as this little old lady sandwiched us with her big old station wagon.

Immediately I went into emergency mom mode and checked on Kenessa’s ability to hold it all together (by the way…she handled it like a rockstar) and began to asses the situation and lead her off to the side of the road. After realizing we were all unharmed my focus went to “who is this person and what am I going to have to fight against to prove this was not our fault!” Well, out stepped sweet old Jane. Sure, she was old as dirt and probably shouldn't even have had a license… but I could not help but reach out. She fumbled and shook and just apologized profusely. She was so upset with herself and embarrassed.

We made the appropriate phone calls and waited for the police. It must have been slammin’ in the ghettos of the old Palm Coast because they sure did take their time. So during our good hour with Mrs. Jane we began to get to know her story. After not too long I realized this meeting was no “accident.”

Mrs. Jane was on her way home from visiting her dying husband in hospice. He is suffering from demetia. She has 2 family members left but they live across the nation and in her words her and her husband were not fortunate enough to have children, so she is alone.

She had made a statement that she had never been in an accident before so me, trying to lighten her load made a comment about what a great driving record she must have and she should be proud.

Well, she says (only to break my sappy heart) that she has never driven much because her husband alwaysdid that for her and now he is unable. How romantic and tragic at the same time. (She STILL shouldnt have that dang license though! hehaaa)

So after our time together and caring and loving on Mrs Lady Jane we said goodbye but not before we shouted to her “Oh, by the way, you have just adopted 3 grand daughters today!” She smiled and almost cried. We told her to call us if she needed assistance or just a friend. She seemed so genuinely appreciative and was happy to tell us that she would take us up on our offer.

Now, we are not superheroes or ultra wonderful people. We are average, young girls but it was neat to watch God use us. The whole time I was with her I kept wanted to invite her to church…granted the bass and drums may but her bedside to her husband…I think she would love the company. (I thought I might wait til after this Sunday’s pornography/sex study…but then I guesss you never know! so kidding.)

You just never know someone’s story. I wonder what it would be like if we took the time to get to know one another. How many people could you reach and touch? Do you trust God that He will make you capable to offer something so great to one another?

It was a neat experience and so funny that all 4 of us walked away from this situation feeling love, trust, respect, compassion, pride, and so much joy. It was a freakin’ car accident! Hello? Did it shake our brains a little too much? How cool when you let yourself see the light in the midst of a dark situation. Give it a try! You may surprise yourself! I did.

Goodnight, Mrs. Lady Jane. We will say special prayers for you tonight.

Being In Need

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 03:17:00 +0000

Being in need can pretty much suck. Knowing that you aren't making the ends meet, falling short, having to admit that you alone are not enough. And of all things...to provide for you and your children. How is it that on person can devote every fiber, bone and feeling they have toward something yet still fall short?!

Well, as often as those frustrating thoughts run through my head...sometimes I have moments like now that I cling to. This week, being in need has provided me with more love than I think I have felt in a very very long time.

Sometimes being in need gives those who love a chance to shine. And oh how bright and beautiful it is when they do.

This week was a particularly difficult one. Very few people knew the depths of the issues. Usually I keep people in the dark on purpose. Smile and remember to be grateful, don't bog others down with your neediness!!!

Well, a couple of situations presented themselves and I was exposed. Quite vulnerable.

What unfolded throughout the rest of the week was healing, hopeful and pure love. Friends and family coming alongside, wanting absolutely nothing in return...all because they love me.

Every now and again a realization like this works wonders on the soul.

Thank you to those people who have given us your love. I cherish it.

It's A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 03:23:00 +0000

A few years back I found myself married, with all of our family on the opposite coast...wondering what to do with ourselves for this awkward Thanksgiving holiday coming up. We couldn't travel home because of work, sooooo.....hmmm.

I come from a huge family. At least 45+ people each Thanksgiving. Every type of turkey you can imagine and gut busting portions of all the necessary trimmings! How was I going to transition from that?

So, I had an idea. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Surely that had to be others out there with nowhere to go for this holiday! Hmmm, maybe I could open our home to those in our lives that for one reason or another would be alone during this time of family and friends!

I began to make phone calls and reach out. The response was moving. Each person that accepted the invite felt...valued. They had somewhere to be now. Somewhere they belonged. Somewhere they mattered.

That morning I was up at the butt crack of dawn fiddling with this big ole turkey. Something which I had zero experience with! Just for fun I stuck it on our George Forman grill and took a picture of me looking confused"cooking" it and sent it to my mother! Of course she and my Grandmother believed I could be that dumb in the kitchen! Classic.

As the day went on my heart began to fill. First, a friend from my ex husbands work showed up with some quiche casserole dish...so proud that he made it himself...he took a seat at our less than impressive table. A bit later a man who was working away from his family and making a temporary home in his office strolls through hesitantly, takes a seat at the table and begins to realize he fits it. Later, a lonely soul who had burned the bridge with family comes and joins the table...and by ttime dinner was ready I walked out to find a table full of love. Acceptance. I knew this was what my home was to be from now on. Open arms.

So, obviously, I am now divorced. Each year the kids go with their dad for Thanksgiving. I tend to stick to myself and not do the big family shindig. I tried in one year post divorce without the kids and somehow all it did was magnify my loneliness.

So, this year...I'm bringing back the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and I could not be more excited! A very good friend of mine is opening up his home and we are opening our arms this holiday. I am so eager to see who ends up around our little table this year...from all different walks of life...different friends from different decades, forming new memories...together.

Maybe there is someone you could open your arms to this Thanksgiving?

The Blame Game

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 20:55:00 +0000

Yesterday I sat in my college classroom jaw wide open, stunned.

In class we were read a fictional story about a baron and baroness. Let me see if I can give you a quick summary.

Baron tells baroness he needs to go to town for the day and she is to stay in the castle while he is away. Baroness decides she will make the servants let down the drawbridge so she can leave and return before the baron would ever know. She goes to spend the day with her lover. On her return a mad man is wielding a knife at the entrance of her drawbridge. Threatening he will kill her if she tries to pass.

Flustered she goes to her lover for help. He denies her wish. Then she goes to a friend, denied again. Next to a boatman, denied again. Out of idea she tries to go back and find a way past the mad man. He kills her.

OK, the question was asked to us (a mixed classroom of ages 18-45 or so) Who is the most at fault for the baroness's death? And who is the least?

Well, immediately my brain decided...technically or morally speaking?! Technically the mad man is responsible because he literally murdered her. Morally it's the womans own fault. Had she listened to her husbands command in the first place she would still be alive and safe. Her greedy desires to step out came with fatal consequences. Duh!

What came next not only stunned me in my chair but made my stomach just churn.

One young girl stood up and with passion and proceeded to boast about had her husband fulfilled her needs she wouldn't need to be searching for a lover to fill her needs. Her husband is completely at fault!!!

Next, an older woman stands and says "The servants are to blame! They should have never let her out of the castle!"

And then "It's the lovers fault! He should have tried to help her, especially is he is sleeping with her!"

And on and on the wild blame went...they all had one thing in common...nobody thought for a moment this tragedy was a consequence of poor decision making.

Regardless of what is going on around you, you are the only one is full control of yourself and your actions.

I look around at a culture that looks to anyone or anything else to blame for their misfortune. A mentality that 'I couldn't possibly have had anything to do with these messes I continue to find myself in!

When my son was learning to walk a family member made a comment that has forever been engraved in my brain. My son was walking along, lost focus of what he was doing and ran into a coffee table and began to cry. She swooped him up in a nano second and began to hit the table yelling "bad table! bad table! That table hit you!" Now, knowing this persons child who grew up to be the epitome of someone who can do no wrong...I could see why. Nothing, not one thing was ever their fault!

We as a culture are teaching the next generations that there is no need to take responsibility for our actions. You can just blame something or somebody else and its off you and now their problem.

Have you ever dealt with someone like this?! It is incredibly frustrating!

The best thing we can do for our children and those lose to us is allow them to see their mistakes every once in a while and give them some tools to try and make a positive change. Take responsibility when you mess up. Own it, better it and change it.

We can't change the whole world. But we can all start by looking inward and changing ourselves.

Juicy Juicy Post...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 12:28:00 +0000

...so not in a yummy yummy way. For all the details...

Today's post is featured on Project Underblog!

Throwback Thursday! (I Heart This One!)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 12:12:00 +0000

This is a blog entry from about 4 years ago, immediately following an awful divorce and moving in with my parents. Children were barely 1 and 3...

What True Love Looks Like...

"So at first glance all you seem to be looking at is a random office desk, some files and a microwave…right? Not to me. You see…look at the left hand side of the photo and you will see a unopened water bottle gently placed atop a randomly placed microwave…amongst office supplies…strange…? Not to me. …let me go back a step…follow me here…
For those of you who do not know…I have recently moved in with my children to my mother and fathers home due to a recent divorce. Life has been tough but we are loved and extremely grateful to have the unconditional support we receive in this home. So…my 2 children and I share one bedroom and on nights when I need extra good sleep…which is pretty much every night…my dad allows me to crash on the bed in his office to escape the nighttime grunts and moans of the children….
keep followin me here…
Oftentimes my dad will hear me make my nightly trips (or super early trips) down to the fridge…making a bottle like a zombie…sticking it in the microwave and trying to rush back up the stairs without injuring myself in my sleepy stuper to get the bottle in the mouth before one child wakes the other…exhausting.
So…today I come up to my little office getaway (which is usually less than relaxing with papers flying from one end to the next)…to find everything at peace, organized, and restful…so I thinking “wow, dad was ambitious today!”…and then I look over and my heart melted. He had done this for me.
Strategically placed between the desk and the filing cabinet is a lovingly placed microwave…for heating the midnight bottle… along with an unopened bottle of water…to keep me from having to run the gauntlet. He never says a word, just wants to show love.
Some people want diamonds or elaborate vacations…this is true love."

Searching for Hope in Hospice

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 02:08:00 +0000

Friday night I had the honor of being asked to come and pray with a friend and her family. The honor came in that it was in the most difficult time if their lives together as a family. Her sister had been admitted to hospice that morning and the family was in need of a miracle.

As I made the drive to the facility my mind was racing with what to possibly expect. I have had little to no experience in these type of situations and was so afraid I'd say something completely stupid. Was I equipped to offer anything helpful to this family?

I arrived about 7:30pm and my friend met me at the entrance. She looked thin from worry, sad yet happy to see a familiar face.

She walked me in and I took note of the sanctuary, family coping rooms and other sobering realities. Deep breaths and silent prayers as I walked the halls.

I was introduced to all of the family but everything changed when I met her mother. A sweet, short, blonde woman with puffy red eyes and a twinge of hope as she gazed at me. It hit me as she began talking...I was the "Church friend" and could maybe, just possibly prayer that special prayer to bring her daughter back to health. I think at this point this woman, this family was looking to anyone who could possibly help in their desperation.

I felt overwhelmed. I kept reminding myself that God can use me even if I feel incompetent. I just need to be willing, He could use me.

We all sat and they filled me in on their loved ones steady decline. I could see their faces full of grief yet searching for a miracle. Not willing to give up.

Later I was asked if I would be comfortable entering the hospice room to pray over their family member. She was only 43. I was prepared for this question and knew I would do anything in my power to love them in this time. So off we went, my brave face on praying the whole time for the proper reactions and words.

Entering that room was one of the most sobering moments of my life. To see this woman, someone so loved by her family and friends, reduced to a limp body with an oxygen mask. Unable to move, speak or communicate in any way. My heart sank for this family.

Her mother and sister sat in chairs on either side of her as they draped their exhausted bodies over her lifeless self. I stood behind my friend and began to beg and plead with God for a miracle. We praised him for his promises and gave our word to trust him in his decisions. Possibly easier said than done in this situation.

When we finished I found myself a hair and sat quietly, chiming in on conversation every now and then. Just trying to follow their lead and blend. Support.

We spent the rest of the evening talking, even laughing at times. I wasn't sure if I was helping in any way shape or form but I was determined to stay at my friends side until she fell asleep or kicked me out. Silently hoping maybe this would help but not all all sure how or why. So I just was. There. Sitting. Talking. Walking. Hugging. Staring. Whatever she needed.

Family came and went, said their goodbyes. I sat.

Midnight came and my friend had finally allowed herself to lay on the cot and began to get the sleepy eyed stare. I let her know I'd stay if she needed but it looked like maybe she could actually get some rest. So I said my goodbyes and headed back home.

As I drove, the strangest feeling rose up within me. Of course you realize you need to love those around you and not take them for granted... but this was life changing for me. I took complete inventory of the people in my life. I thought about how I love and what I offer to those in my life. I thought about the legacy I would leave if I should pass unexpectedly.

All of the sudden I was angry. I felt alone and weak. I was dreading pulling into my home knowing my children were away with their dad and I'd be alone. If there was anywhere else I could have gone I'm sure I would have. Anything but alone.

The next day was a bust. I was a wreck. I didn't answer my phone. I cried all day. Never out of my pajamas. Yelled with big shouty all cap texts to my own mother. I was furious. To be honest I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe some generalities but that's it.

Some have said it was a spiritual warfare situation. Maybe. I think it was feeling insignificant. That right there could very well be my biggest fear.

Anyway, I have been keeping in touch with my friend daily since Friday and not much has changed over there in hospice. My heart just aches.

She sits watching her flesh and blood fade away. Knowing what is most likely inevitable but still tying to cling on to a slight hope.

I'm not even sure how to end this post. There are still so many questions yet to be answered. Perhaps we can all remember this family in our prayers tonight. Send some love and comfort.

Oh, and don't miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them. Please. Please. Don't take life for granted.

It's An Exciting Day, Folks!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 13:07:00 +0000

I (along with some other wonderful, talented writers) have been asked to be a part of the launch of a new blogging project as featured contributors!

We have launched the new site... TODAY...and I have a featured Sonora Webster post up available to check out..Click Here! to check out my very first published post!

Thank you to our fearless leader, Chrsitina C. Yother for launching this beautiful celebration for the underbloggers and inviting us to sit at her funky fresh lunch table of fun.

I am excited, proud and grateful to be among this group of writers. Please show some love and head over to Project Underblog!

Happy Birthday to My Girlfriend Who is Totally My Boyfriend

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:54:00 +0000

Curious how that one works out, huh?

I have this friend. We are so the Odd Couple and I love it. We could not be more different in so many ways! but our quirkiness and weird just attracted each other and it stuck. And I'm so glad it did.

Mrs. Neena has been my strength in messy messy times, my balance in the most unsturdy situations. My calm. My crazy. My favorite giggle fit partner. Sometimes I laugh because I think to myself (A sometimes overly lonely single mom ) "My goodness, this girl is so good to me. She listens, she laughs, she encourages, she corrects...omg, she is so my boyfriend! my girlfriend is so my boyfriend." I'm so twisted.

Either way. My friend has strolled in, awkward swagger and all, and added a much needed love boost into my life and I am so grateful.

Today she turns 34 and this is just one example of why she is my favorite. Yes, I have favorites. Don't judge.

Neena, you are crazy awkward, silly, fun, compassionate, loving, and wonderful. Thank You for being you to little ole me. I love you.

Captain Underoos Forever!!!

I'll be your Edna, if you'll be my Esther...

Menopause Brain?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:08:00 +0000

I have not visited with y'all (I pretend people actually read this!) lately because to be quite frank... I can't barely put complete sentences together! Well, ones that make sense anyway!

I shared over a month ago my blog about the joys of entering menopause at age 29. Click here if you missed out on that fun!

It seems that one of my side effects is just a series of brain farts.

Plenty of people asking what's wrong and did they do something to offend me because I seem so distant. Nope. just me, over here in my blank little hot flashy world. :) Not paying a lick of attention to you because to tell it to ya straight...I pretty much don't care. Love ya!

Just kinda busy in my own world. my own hot, chubby, thoughtless world. :)

Hopefully I find some inspiration. Some wisdom nuggets. (With my new food obsession now all I want are some nuggets.)

Yeah, mmmm nuggets.

she better not eat my nuggets too...b*tch

Knight In Shining Prius

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 03:38:00 +0000

Last night sucked.

My little boy spiked a fever out if nowhere and it wouldn't quit. I finally got it to stop with Tylenol after quickly approaching 103.2.

I posted in Facebook asking if anyone had experienced such a quick and hard hitting fever.

Within seconds my phone was beeping like the NASA control center at launch time! Texts, comments, private messages, phone calls...I couldn't keep up!

Within 3 minutes my phone is ringing (from Mr. Boy I told you about a while back that I ordered to date another woman....lol...if you missed that blog ya gotta hop back a few and read That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About post. Funny stuff)

He's on the line and before I can say hello he's asking "what do you need and how can I help?" Without so much as a moments hesitation he hopped in his car for a 30+ minute drive to scoop us up and accompany us to the ER.

I swear a little gray Prius has never looked so wonderful. I'm used to making these awful trips alone. This time it would have been trying to carry two sleepy children in the dow pour of rain and maneuver the Emergency Room shenanigans a hot mess!

Ah, but up strolled the Prius and a stand in parent for the night. I was so relieved.

All day today follow up texts, posts, messages poured in checking on my little guy.

I am so thankful for community. So thankful there are people who care beyond just themselves and their needs.

What could have been a terrible, lonely, wet night turned out to be full of ER room laughs, tons of love and warm fuzzies.

Highlight moment: Pulljng away from hospital as goofball Mr. Boy is screaming "I don't feel safe at hoooome! I don't feel safe at hooooome!" (Finding fun in the nurse needing to ask us this question for typical safety protocol) I swear I was dying, waiting to see the flashing lights.

All in all... Good community is rad. Thanks, good folks of my little community. Y'all are good stuff.