Hey everyone!

How are you doing? Just a short post for you today! I think you can agree with me when I say that baking brownies is risky business. Sometimes they come out too hard; sometimes they're too soft; sometimes they don't even taste like chocolate. Well, thankfully, after years of research, my mum and I have found the perfect recipe - and I'm here to tell you all about it! This is definitely something to try whilst you've got time on your hands. Trust me, it'll be worth it! Before I get into it, I'm sorry for not taking more pictures of the process - you would've thought I'd have learnt the blogging trick by now! Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy and try this recipe out!

Ingredients (for one square tin of brownies):

170g Butter170g Dark Chocolate (in small pieces)100g Brown Sugar160g Caster Sugar3 Eggs1 tsp. Salt1 tsp. Vanilla Essence170g White Chocolate (broken into varying sizes)100g Plain Flour100g Cherries (optional)

Recipe:

Oil and line your baking tin/s. Preheat your oven to 180°.Melt the butter in a saucepan.When the butter has melted, add caster sugar and brown sugar and stir for 1 minute.Add the dark chocolate and salt and mix well until the chocolate has melted.Take the saucepan off the heat to cool.In a separate bowl, whisk the eggs, and add this to the chocolate mixture.Add the flour and mix well.Add vanilla essence and some chunks of white chocolate. Add the cherries if you’d like.Pour the mixture into the prepared tin/s and add some larger white chocolate pieces on top.Bake for 35 minutes, or until just done (insert a skewer and it should be just lightly covered in batter). If you wait until the skewer comes out dry, your brownies will come out too hard.

There you have it! Easy as that! Let me know if you try them out!

Hi guys!

Well, isn't the world a mess? It's been a very strange few weeks - and I'm sure all of you around the world will be experiencing this apocalyptic situation in lots of different ways. I hope everyone is safe and well, and staying home! It's only one facet of peoples' experience, but I know that many peoples' mental health is taking a hit during this time, and I can only hope and pray that everyone is able to find ways to destress and manage.

I wanted to share this post, because as I'm sure you're all aware, I am a little bit (read: way too) obsessed with 5 Seconds of Summer. Their new album CALM came out a few weeks ago, and I just about died waiting for it to release so I thought I'd write down my first-listen thoughts on each song! These really are my initial reactions so please excuse my terrible writing and fandom speak. Disclaimer: this post includes an extremely liberal usage of caps locks, screaming Luke Hemmings, and a pretty average Memoona meltdown. I've linked each song so you can listen with me and read my reactions at the same time! What fun! Enjoy.

1. Red Desert

WOW! What an incredible, statement-making opening. The acapella at the start is epic. This definitely feels like a beginning - the first performance of a show; an anthem. The prechorus is my favourite I think. Just the build-up and tension and release! This is completely different to anything they've ever done before. I think it's a great introduction to the direction they're taking as artists.

2. No Shame

WHAT A SOUND! I can see why this is the song that the band feels most personifies the whole album. It's them, but as a long-term fan, you can hear the change - evolution! This song is probably the one most stuck in my head at all times (it came out as a promotional single). I mean, it's their signature style: emotion struck with dark themes, with a BANGING chorus. I can only imagine how much this will SLAP live. The music video was also a brilliant, clever take on the entertainment industry, I thoroughly enjoyed it (even though I was screen capping Luke every shot he was in - that boy is dreamy).

3. Old Me

An ode to their younger selves! God, I have to admit, the music video made me cry a bit. I love that they are proud of their younger selves, acknowledge that they made mistakes and that they've learnt from them. I think that's a great message to send. The song itself is a cool, modern sound which will appeal to loads of audiences I'm sure. It's definitely one to get groovy to. Honourable mention to Luke's falsetto.

4. Easier

Feels like it's been absolutely ages since this was released and I remember it SLAYED us all! The drop to the verse is literally criminal - SO good. Just goddamn sexy I can't say anything else. A lot of us did not survive the music video. Insert another Luke falsetto mention. It's just got such a good beat and bass line - I can't WAIT for this live.

5. Teeth

ALSO VERY SEXY WOW. The bass line is SICK, Calum you talented genius. The lyrics really work, but it's the chorus that always gets me. NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER LET GO. That was me yelling the lines out for my family to hear. The music video for Teeth was very trippy, I recommend!

6. Wildflower

WHAT A SEXY intro to the song! This feels like summer. OH MY GOSH THE CHORUS. It's one of those - one of those that will never get old, it'll always make me smile. It's the perfect feel-good bop. CALUM HOOD'S VOICE PEOPLE. Drums are cool! I think if the album had a title track, it would've been this - just like Youngblood, it does signify the whole album. I guess the band said No Shame because it had those darker undertones that this doesn't, but this song is magic. Dreamy. On my playlist forever now.

7. Best Years

Oh God, there's always a couple that are real heartbreakers. I actually listened to the acoustic version Luke posted on Instagram before the album dropped and my heart just went. The LYRICS. It's beautiful - I can see why it's Luke's favourite song of the album. This chorus guys. Too much. It's got a bit of soul in it I swear. 'I wanna hold your hand while we're growing up' BREAKS ME. It feels a bit like something you might play at a wedding. LUKE in this. No words.

8. Not In The Same Way

Very very different to anything they've ever done! It's got some mature themes; a bit like old me, it's modern and it's breaking boundaries for them as a band. The chorus is BOUNCY! Love it. Probably the song I least connect to but I still vibe to it.

9. Lover Of Mine

Okay, I know Sierra Deaton wrote this with them so it's gonna be awesome. W-O-W. It's a haunting heartbreaker. The guitar is so so good. 'I'll never give you away' - WOW! The chorus is beautiful, what a dynamic change, it brought me to tears! Deep and dark, brilliant. Mandatory Luke mention - his voice, guys.

10. Thin White Lies

Oooh, this is smooth and slow! With a BOP chorus. This reminds me of Babylon a bit! 'I don't think I like me anymore' - WHOOSH. I swear the writing on this album has been terrific. For me, it's a bit like Not In The Same Way as in I don't connect to it as much as the others but I still love it.

11. Lonely Heart

It got me as soon Luke started singing. Yep, I'm a goner. 'Native of mine, you're just my kind' - this really feels like recognising and understanding someone; definitely touched something in me. WHOAH it's unexpected and it's so DAMN GOOD and catchy and beautiful and dancey. I instantly want to sing along. This song has got the RANGE - heartbreaking minimal verse, beautiful harmonies and lyrics, a SICK drop to the chorus, falsetto, BANGING chorus, packs a punch, INCREDIBLE bridge. This song has me a bit speechless...I can't believe how far this band has come, this song is next LEVEL.

12. High

Aargh, I knew the last song in their albums is always sad but I didn't see it coming. Such a beautiful, light start. It's a PERFECT ending. It's pretty low-key, their last song on each album is like this - lyrics focused, bringing everything to a close, and giving us all the feeling that more will come! Da da da da da da da da I'm such a fan. WHAT AN ENDING, what a NOTE to end on.

I've been waiting for this album for a long time, and my God did my band deliver. This was incredible. Luke's vocals seem to get better and better with each album - it's a bit scary how good he is. This is such a perfect account of them as artists right now. They've done us proud, they've made an album that will carry on building on the global success of Youngblood - they've worked so damn hard on this and it tells. They've somehow managed to maintain their signature style even though they've moved to a different direction. The QUALITY of music has come such a long way. If you listen to Sounds Good Feels Good, sure, it is one of my favourite albums ever, but as they've grown they've learnt more and more, and CALM feels like a big stepping stone. This album definitely takes you on a journey. Rest assured, much like Youngblood, I will be listening on repeat for a long time.

If someone asked me what my favourite 5SOS album is, I honestly wouldn't know what to say. I love their old stuff - Sounds Good Feels Good especially, because it holds a lot of meaning for me. But so does Youngblood. Youngblood I think really spoke to me when it came out because it was the first album where the band starting moving into a different direction, just as I was when I was leaving home to go to uni. So it feels a bit more monumental than CALM does, but that's no disrespect to how powerful a piece of work CALM is. I've loved every minute. My favourite songs of the album are Wildflower, No Shame, Best Years and Lover of Mine.

Well, I don't know if you enjoyed that - but I certainly did! Leave me a comment if you've listened to any of CALM and let me know what you thought of it!

Lots of love, and see you very soon for ~recipe~ time,

SS

xx

- The CH

Hi everyone,

Look at me posting twice in a fortnight! It's freaking 2020, and boy do I have a Jukebox for you. Before I get started on that, however, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who's messaged me, retweeted or showed their support following my last post! It wasn't an easy one to share, but it means the world that so many people believe in me - I'm trying to really channel things into writing. It's becoming more and more of an outlet and I'm so grateful I get to share that with you all.

I've been listening to a pretty stable playlist for most of November and December, so I have quite a few songs to mention today. Spoiler - lots of Glee. Come on, you should know me by now! As always, I've compiled all of these into a Youtube playlist, however I have realised that this is probably not the best way for you to listen to them, so follow this link to get this playlist on Spotify. Let's dive right in!

Glee - No Surrender

It seems only right to start with a song from the saddest episode of TV I have ever watched. From Glee's Quarterback tribute episode, No Surrender is originally by Bruce Springsteen and the original version is awesome - but this one is much slower, and much more emotional. Lyrically, this song really touches me - losing a friend is heartbreaking and nothing speaks to me more than this simple, slow guitar. I'm planning to do a cover of it soon! Although it is kind of impossible for me to listen to it without tearing up - it reminds me of Quarterback, obviously, and how much I miss Cory Monteith, but also about how much I miss life with my friends from seven or eight years ago! It's a sad listen but well worth it.

Glee - You Get What You Give

I figured it was best to get all of the Glee songs on this list out of the way! You Get What You Give is a song from the final episode of the third season, or as most gleeks agree, the golden age of Glee. It's the seniors' leaving song for the remaining juniors in the glee club, and I just get inexplicably emotional when I hear it. Not only was it the end of some of the characters' time in glee club, it was the end of Glee as we knew it. I think this was the perfect, perfect song for the moment - a goodbye to youth, innocence and looking forward to the future. 'Don't let go, you've got the music in you.' If those words don't sum up glee in a nutshell, I don't know which do. This is such a good song. You can party to it, cry to it, jam to it - pretty much everything. What I love most about it is hearing all of the glee club's voices melding together, and gosh, Cory Monteith's voice soaring for his last lead number in the club. I listen to this song so much, on a daily basis. It makes me feel sad, but it's also very empowering.

Glee - Glory Days

Okay, let's be honest, I could squeeze in all of Glee's Graduation Album onto this list with the amount I listen to it. This is another song from the final episode of season 3, from the senior graduation scene. Another Bruce Springsteen cover, this is also a great song, listen to the original too! It's a song about remembering your golden days, and it's also a perfect choice for the scene. I think the glee music team really got it right for the end of season 3 - season 3 on a whole. Although it's upbeat with a sick guitar part, it actually makes me a little bit emotional! But then again, what doesn't.

Glee - Shake It Out

This is the final Glee song, I promise! Shake It Out is originally by Florence and the Machine, but this version is heartbreakingly beautiful. I'm hoping to cover this soon too! It's just put together so well - the harmonies give me chills. The lyrics are beautiful too - it's definitely a song to listen to if you're feeling down and need some positive reinforcement. The emotion behind it is brilliant.

Patrick Martin - Both Of You

Funny story actually - I was at the O2 Arena Birmingham, waiting to see Kodaline, when Patrick Martin made an entrance as the opening act. He's an American singer, and onstage he was hypnotic. With his amazing boots and his stage presence, I was left wanting to see his full live concert! I was front row and also standing next to his parents which is an odd coincidence! Out of all the songs he played, the one I loved most was Both of You. Patrick told the audience that it was about one of his friends who'd had his girlfriend cheat on him with another friend - and it's SO CATCHY! I love that it deals with the pain of losing BOTH the girlfriend and the friend, because a lot of music doesn't seem to address losing the friend too! And gosh we were raving to it down in the front row. Cherry on top was when he walked past the barrier later and hi-fived me. *drops dead* I'd urge you to listen to his new EP, Wonder Years on Spotify because he really is a talented singer!

The 1975 - It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

I don't really have much to say about this one. Catchy. Amazing melody. Love, love, love. It was my morning alarm for a good few months. I also had a worrying dream about Matty Healy chasing me through Oxford - do with that information what you will.

5 Seconds of Summer - Out Of My Limit

Aha! Did you think this playlist might be 5SOS free? You thought wrong! This is BABY 5SOS - such an old song now that I think about it, but I've recently just been absolutely jamming to it. I've always loved it, I mean, come on, but I've really been listening to their old stuff recently. Out Of My Limit is a wonderful, wonderful song about wanting a girl who's out of your league. I think we can all relate to that one.

Lady Gaga - Dope

And you didn't think I was going to omit my one and only mother monster from the list did you? I've been neglecting Lady Gaga for a while; I'm feeling due for a big Joanne album listen, or to be honest, all of her albums. I've never actually listened to Artpop all the way through...I KNOW I'M SORRY! Dope! Dope is very very depressing. I covered it on my youtube channel what seems like eons ago, but just listen to it. You can hear Gaga's incredible emotion through every single freaking word. It's a masterpiece. When the bass drops it feels insane - and then confusing because it's so sad...but awesome all the same. The first line always gets me real hard - I've listened to this song in some pretty hard times. 'Corks off, it's on' is a melody etched into my mind. Beautiful.

Fleetwood Mac - Never Going Back Again

I listened to Rumours on repeat for a lot of last summer, but the song that really stood out to me was Never Going Back Again. Simple, hard-hitting lyrics and the guitar - need I say any more? This song is a definite hall-of-fame incredible incredible record. I also like reserving this song for sad times, but honestly it's just all round beautiful.

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - In The Heat Of The Moment

I heard this song on the Netflix show, Umbrella Academy! If you like Oasis and a kind of pop/rock sound, this one's definitely for you. Noel Gallagher sounds old-school amazing - it's hard to categorise the song but it's just good listening. Simple as that.

Michael Jackson - Human Nature

Legend legend legend. Michael Jackson, Human Nature. Bloody amazing song. Yes, I'll admit, I first heard it on glee but the original is so so good. It's everything good about MJ - great beat, silky voice, sick lyrics....not much more you can ask for.

Harry Styles - Sweet Creature

Oh boy. I mean, I haven't even listened to Harry's newest album, but if it's as good as the last one, I'm gonna be deceased. Sweet Creature was my favourite song off his self-titled first album, because it showcases Harry's voice and his incredible soulful ability to write songs that really touch you. He is undoubtedly a standalone star, and listening to Sweet Creature only affirms that for me. His voice is just freaking beautiful, I'm sorry.

5 Seconds of Summer - Teeth

TEETH! TEETH! God, 5SOS keep outdoing themselves. Teeth is so. damn. catchy. It's a beat, okay. I've loved the hype, the buildup, the music video and the song itself so much! It's a brilliant, brilliant song - dark, a great hook, LUKE HEMMINGS YOUR VOICE WHOAH, and the BASS riff. Whew. It's hot. I promise you. Just listen to it.

Waitress Soundtrack - She Used To Be Mine

Now this is a departure from the rest of the list! She Used To Be Mine is from the musical Waitress, written by Sara Bareilles. It's a song that I've related to so much. It's about losing that past you - the you who you used to be so full of life and ambition, and how that you doesn't belong to you anymore. It's heartbreaking. I've watched so many different performances of it on youtube, but I think my favourite is the one I first heard - Jessie Mueller's. I can't really say much about it apart from the fact that it hits the right place. A vulnerable place. On a happier note - my best friend Heath and I are going to SEE Waitress in London in THREE WEEKS! If you know me, you know that I'm practically DYING with excitement.

Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice It's Alright

My college son Gabe introduced me to this song! I'd never listened to Bob Dylan (!) before that, and whilst some of it might not be my style, this song really is. I love it for so many reasons - fabulous (sometimes a little vindictive) lyrics, beautiful guitar, and a refrain that hits hard! This really is a legend at work. Gabe and I are planning to perform it together at an open mic in college soon!

Taylor Swift (ft. Shawn Mendes) - Lover

And it's the last song! Lover by Taylor Swift, especially the version featuring Shawn Mendes - it's dreamy. Everything about it is dreamy. So, so well written - so well produced. The chorus is always in my head. Taylor keeps showing new sides of her and as you know, I'm a sucker for a love song. I think this song encapsulates fairytales and the magic of love - it's a great one to end on.

If you made it to the end of this, you deserve some kind of award. That was a lot to get through. Serves me right for not posting in forever. But I hope you enjoyed it! Do go have a listen to all of these (I've linked the playlists at the top of this post) and let me know what you think in the comments! Follow me on my social media (top right) if you want to read my twitter ramblings or just, you know, want to be in the know. Apart from that kids, all that's left to say is a very happy new year and decade - I'll (hopefully) write soon!

Love,

SS xx

Camila Cabello - Living Proof

Hey people,

Moons here. Merry Christmas! It's been a while - as usual! A lot has happened since I last posted - too much to write about in one update. However, in the spirit of the season, I wanted to sit down and have a think about this year. It's been a year of many, many ups and downs, and it only felt fitting that I overshare and get deep in a good old way-too-long-to-be-justified blog post. I wasn't going to do this, but I watched a very honest and open video by Neetu Singh (she studies at Oxford Uni too!) about her mental health, which inspired me to talk about it in a little more detail. She's been so strong, and I'm so grateful that she spoke up about how difficult living with a mental illness really is! Please go check out her video and subscribe to her channel here. As for an update from me...read on for a whole rollercoaster of emotions and major life moments and more...singingsonnet style.

2019 has been a whirlwind. It's gone faster than I ever thought it would, but somehow seems to have weaseled in more than I bargained for. I started the year in a very difficult place (much the way I'm ending it lol). I had only just been diagnosed with depression, and I had also only just come back from a few very chaotic weeks in Pakistan. I think I was ready for some change, so it kind of frustrated me that the whole new-year-new-me thing didn't really happen. At all.

Despite the fact that my problems only seemed to be increasing, I had some wonderful times with friends in my second term at uni. My home friends came up to visit me a few times, and I went on a Queen-themed club night, so I can't say there haven't been high points. I also spent a lot of time at my favourite tree trunk by the River Cherwell, playing my ukulele and writing and sometimes just being. I haven't been there nearly enough recently, so that's something I definitely want to bring back next year.

My last term of first year, retrospectively, was probably the best one. Sunny Oxford has a real romance about it, and I had lots of great times punting on the river with friends, pretending my academic work didn't exist, and having a Glee-themed birthday party. Yes, you read that right. When I have my own place in the future, I am going to remake the Glee party in all its glory. It's going to be a Glee extravaganza. I'm already planning it. There are going to be Jesse St James balloons floating around as well as themed drinks (Sue Sylvester Meltdown, Teenage Dream, Dalton Delight, the No. 5, Berry Mohito...etc etc). Whilst I also had many a panic attack (I had one in a tutorial too yikes) and many a breakdown, something about that term seems significantly better than the other two in my memory, which is probably why I went on summer holiday feeling a bit optimistic about second year.

Something else which I also feel like I should mention because it was kind of a major life moment - I entered a writing competition run at my college in May. The premise was to write a synopsis and the first three pages of your very own novel. So, me being me, waited until the last day of the deadline to pressure myself into actually putting my idea into words, submitted it, and didn't really give it that much thought, because, I mean - there was no way I'd actually win, right?

Wrong. Very wrong. I came first place. Now as much as you might think I'm downplaying this, this is still something I am really not over. How on earth? And guess what the first prize was? A WHOLE ASS BOOK DEAL. So I'm trying not to get ahead of myself here, but....maybe my dreams of being a writer aren't as impossible as I think? That was June. It is now December. Have I written any more than my entry for the competition? No. Am I worried that the publishers are gonna forget and laugh when I give them a finished draft two years later? Yes. Am I still incredibly confused and weirded out that I won? Abso-fricking-lutely. Honestly - it felt like a gift. After going through the most difficult academic year of my life, it felt like God was saying here - you deserve this. You've worked hard for this. After all the bad...immeasurable good. I guess I need to get writing!

Summer holidays. I went to see a cricket world cup match LIVE! Pakistan versus New Zealand at Edgbaston, and WE WON! The scenes were ridiculous. And we flashed up on TV a couple of times. Major moments. I still watch back the photos and videos I took of that day and can't help smiling. I can't wait to see more cricket live this summer!

I also volunteered for a month at Gympanzees, an inclusive leisure facility in Bristol! It was a fabulous experience - the Gympanzees family is the most heartwarming, hardworking bunch of people that I have ever had the pleasure of being part of, and I can't wait to hopefully join them on the staff team in Easter 2020! Working with vulnerable children and young people has always been a big dream of mine, and to work in a setting where I can make these kids smile with my ukulele? I'm on board for that.

Towards the end of the summer, my aunt and uncle and my cousin came over from Abu Dhabi! My cousin started uni here in the UK in September, but we managed to sneak in a full two weeks of shopping, gallivanting around London, and many, many face masks. I'm so so happy to have my cousin here, even though she's back home for the holidays right now. I miss you Jia!

Then, lo and behold, it was time for second year to start. Already! I bounded in - with so much optimism, so much hope, and to give myself credit, I lasted for a couple of short weeks. I went in, trying to fix some of the unhealthy patterns from last year. I revised for my collections, I did up my new room, I made funky notes on flashcards - hell, I even went to lectures! It was a new me. I got college children, and I'm still astounded at how fast they've become some of my best friends. I organised a surprise birthday party, started seeing a private therapist, sang high school musical at an open mic (major major high point) and seemingly popped my head out of the water.

I don't know why exactly things went south so quickly. I wasn't kidding myself. I knew that things could not just be amazing for that long. And they weren't amazing! I mean, I had some pretty rough times those first few weeks, but weirdly, it felt like I could pick myself back up. I had the chance to be more than my mental illnesses, and I tried! I tried to be a Moona I haven't been in a while. An outgoing, friendly, dependable Moona. I always valued those things about myself in secondary school.

Actually, I just checked my Instagram to try and investigate when the bubble burst. Like the sound detective I am, I think I have an answer. Because I was new, unshakeable Moona now, I worked up the courage to go to an Islamic Society event. It was going to be awesome, a dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet place not too far from college. So I dressed up in a new Salwar-Kameez and felt really quite good about myself for a change. Then I walked to the venue with a few other girls and tried my best to make conversation.

I think the calm broke because even after my positive reinvention, my new enjoyment of university - I still felt so goddamn anxious! I was sitting there at the restaurant with literal snakes worming their way around in my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick every time someone spoke to me. And, you know - poof! Back I went to small, depression-and-anxiety Moona who wanted desperately to get out of there. So I did. I made a quick getaway, before anyone even got on to dessert. I walked alone in the dark back to college in my high heels and starting crying as soon as I got in my room. I think that's when things started not to work as well.

The next week, I stopped going to lectures and started having trouble getting out of bed again. And I guess the rest is history. This autumn/winter has been so incredibly hard. Even though I think things may be improving on the social front (I don't feel so terrified if someone speaks to me now), I've become much lower than I thought was possible.

I've had a lot of support around me. The disability and welfare advisor at my college has been a literal Godsend. In times where I was really down and out, she came in with the practical steps that would take the pressure off of me so I could try and recover. The college nurse was similar - I actually started dropping in to see her every week. My therapist helped me figure out and identify some of the reasons why I behave the way I do. My GP put me on a new type of antidepressant. My tutors were great about it, and I leaned on friends - so I felt as though something should've started working. With so many people trying their best to help me feel better, I thought there had to be enough to mend my broken-ass brain. But sadly, it wasn't.

I remember one of the lowest points being this horrible night somewhere in the middle of term. My sleep has always been terrible, but it felt like it was just getting worse and worse. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for ages, unable to get back to sleep. Then I'd wake up in the morning feeling like I'd been run over and had barely slept at all. Nightmares were regular occurrences too, but none quite as bad as this particular night. I woke up feeling more scared than I have ever done in my entire life, screaming and crying and unable to calm down. I called my mum and she was genuinely on the phone for 40 minutes trying to pull me out of my panic attack. It was really, really bad.

There were loads of low moments like that. Depression doesn't have any sense of timing - it really sucks you into it until you can't do anything but lie in bed and wonder why God put you on this earth. I couldn't eat at all, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't leaving my room, and I certainly wasn't doing any academic work. My home friends visited, and I saw my cousin almost every weekend - and I even went to Birmingham to see Kodaline live, but none of it helped. Dirty dishes piled up on my table, as did the pile of unwashed clothes, and even thinking about the next day was enough to make me be sick.

A curveball that came after some particularly bad days and a trip to the hospital, was that the NHS finally had a spot for me to start therapy with them. This felt like a real step. I've only had two sessions so far, but they've been surprisingly good. To help get me through the Christmas holidays, my psychologist has told me to keep reminding myself that she will be there when I come back in January. We haven't even properly started my treatment, and if I can use the tiniest little bit of hope inside me, I have to. Some more help came from my GP, who got me to take a blood test and found out that I have extremely low iron and vitamin D levels, and there's something suspicious about my thyroid. It explains why I feel so exhausted all the time, and why doing something as strenuous as having a social interaction can make me go into zombie mode. That's okay - I can take tablets for that. I'm on them now, no change yet.

For the most part, my 2019 can be categorised as periods in which I succumbed completely to illness, and periods in which I managed not to go too far under. It's felt like a constant battle - I've been fighting on the same front for so many years now, and it feels like I'm now being attacked from many different angles. It's not just past trauma anymore. It's present trauma. It's physical debilitation. It's going to sleep hoping I don't wake up.

Depression is possibly the most difficult illness to explain to someone. Mostly because you have to face these kinds of comments: Why can't you just get out of bed? Just snap out of it. Shake it off. Try and keep yourself motivated. Eat well. Drink water. Try not to think about it so much.

Let me give you the lowdown. Depression takes everything from a person. You can't get out of bed, you can't shower, you can't have three meals, you can't motivate yourself, you can't stop thinking, you can't forget trauma. You can't because your body shuts down! Even if you want to do something, you physically can't fathom the idea or picture doing it. Whenever I think about eating food, I feel sick. Whenever I think about getting up and getting dressed, I start crying. Thinking, or just being, is so hard without going to some dark place in my mind. It really cannot be called living my life.

So 2019 sucked. Yep, it really did.

But! There's a but, you know me.

Friends. Gosh, I know where I'd be without them. Relationships have always been so difficult for me to navigate, partly because of things that happened to me when I was younger, but also because I find it hard to let people get close to me. But I have friends who have only gotten closer and closer, and know that sometimes - all I need is a voice on the phone, or a buzzfeed quiz about which peppa pig character I am to make me smile. Old friends who've known me eight years, and new friends who've known me two months, both have been the light in the darkness. Going to London to see two of my best friends was a huge highlight. As were my catchups with my college children, and the visits from my gorgeous school friends Becx and Harriet. I bought 5SOS tickets with my cousin! You knoooooooow how I feel about THAT!

Things are hard right now. I'm staring down the eyes of a monster called second-year-exams. I want to do my best - I really want to get up and show my tutors that they didn't make a mistake picking me to study here. Unfortunately, that's not really a realistic goal until I can actually start recovering. Which doesn't seem to be very soon. The fact that these illnesses are genuinely ruining my life makes me feel even more low. I can be as optimistic as I want and repeat that it'll get better but the truth is, I know it won't. At least not on the timeline that I need it to.

I'm trying to write a lot. I've been reading back on the poems and prose I've written this year, and guys - I think I'm getting better! I'm proud of my writing. Even though sometimes it feels like it's stupid and pointless, it can calm me down from a panic attack or feeling really low, and the result is making my thoughts and feelings slightly more understandable. Next year, I'm going to try and submit some of my work to some magazines...let's see what happens!

I've also been listening to a lot of music (hello, it's me). I'm probably going to do a Jukebox post soon, let you all know what exactly I'm listening to because I know you're all desperate to know. I can't wait to get back to performing at open mics and who knows, even actually write a good song!

I won't pretend that any of it solves the roots of the problems. It's not that easy. It sucks. It will suck for a long time. I'm getting the right help, though. As much as I feel like I'm going nowhere, maybe I'm at least going somewhere. A bit of a detour to where I wanted to go, but...you know. To quote my idol, Rachel Berry - 'There's one thing that hasn't changed: my dreams. I'm still going to be a star.' Whilst I am cringing at myself for rounding off on an optimistic quote when I am feeling as pessimistic as you could possibly imagine, I think the sentiment I take away from it is this. Depression is changing me beyond recognition, but through it, I'm still writing. I'm still singing. I'm still sharing way too much of my life on a blog that I barely ever update. Maybe I'm closer to my dreams, and indeed myself, than I know.

I told you it was going to be a long one. Congratulations for making it to the bottom of this post. If you did, how about leaving a comment? Or following me on my social media (top right!)? You know what, I'll even accept a smile at your screen. I hope you're good, wherever you are. This time of year can be especially difficult, and if ever you need a safe place to land - my DMs are a good place to start. There is absolutely no judgement there (you know, unless you're a Tory). Thank you for keeping up with me. I'll see if I can do a few more posts before the holidays are over. A Jukebox, maybe even my hopes for 2020...let's try and speak them into existence, shall we?

All the love in the world,

SS xx

Hello there!

Who am I and what have I done with Memoona? Am I really posting about fashion? Well, the day has finally arrived - I thought today I would chat to you guys about dressing modestly and how I've sometimes struggled with it, as well as some definite wardrobe essentials! Slight disclaimer: I know nothing about fashion. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nada. I really don't know what I'm talking about but I thought this might help out some of my fellow Muslim and modest gals who might be struggling with fashion!

In the past, I've found it hard to marry the idea of dressing modest and stylish in my mind. I didn't think it was a feat that could be achieved, but after my first year at uni and really coming out of my comfort zone, my mind has been opened to a world of possibilities! Now, I don't hate choosing what to wear! It hasn't had a great effect on my bank account, but hey, you can't win 'em all. What's important to remember whilst you're reading this is that you should wear what YOU want to wear - whatever best expresses yourself. Always be comfortable; never wear something that makes you not feel like yourself.

I've had a lot of fun finding some examples of the clothes I like to wear to link to this post - so much so that I'm worried I might go on a bit of an online shopping spree once I'm finished writing....I've also included a few photos of my modest fashion QUEENS Daniela Biah and Dina Torkia, so do be sure to check out their Instagrams if ever you feel like a fashion delinquent like me. Without further ado, here are the essentials every modest gal NEEDS in their wardrobe!

1. CULOTTES

I used to think they look funny but now, they're the only thing I want to wear! Comfort, modesty AND style? Who would've thought? They're actually really flattering and look stunning dressed up or down. They work formally, casually, and every which way in between, so these are my no.1 must-haves. I like pairing some simple black ones with a colourful jumper or a plain tee with my denim jacket. I even wore my black ones during my exams...and they were hopelessly trashed by the end of them. You can find them at pretty much every clothes store! Primark is usually a safe bet.

2. MOM JEANS

Wooohooooo - jeans that aren't tight but still look GREAT! I literally live in my pair - you can wear them with practically anything and they look amazing with cute sneakers or flat sandals, so great for casual things.

3. JUMPSUITS

Okay, I LOVE jumpsuits - not sure I'm tall enough to really pull them off but they're awesome! I have a pretty plain black one from New Look, which I can dress up or down. I love wearing it with my gold wedges and feeling all swish! Plus, you can always pull a cute jumper on top!

4. OVERSIZED DENIM JACKET

I don't need to say much, do I? This is a must-have, whether or not you want to dress modestly. It's the perfect addition to any outfit (except with blue jeans...) and effortlessly cool. I live in mine at uni. Also, I'd definitely recommend trying to find one in a charity shop - denim jackets can be so expensive but you can find a perfectly good one in your local Oxfam or Sue Ryder, so be smart!

5. DUNGAREES

Okay, the cutest item of clothing ever? I have several - you can wear them over a thin patterned jumper or a simple tee, and if you want to cover your legs you can pop some black leggings on underneath! I love going for the whole baggy, I'm-gonna-act-like-I-didn't-spend-ages-thinking-about-this-outfit look.

6. SKIRTS

This is probably one you might have expected to be on this list! I NEVER used to like wearing midi or long skirts - I thought they were unflattering, uncool and totally stuffy but now that I've actually tried them, I love them! Especially pleated ones (forever grumbling about how pricey they are). Again, you can find pretty nice ones in charity shops, so try them before you go spending twenty pounds on one piece of clothing. I love wearing skirts - tucking a white top into them and pairing them with a light sweater or my trusty denim jacket. I now own waaaay too many after going on a bit of a SHEIN spree.

7. THE CARDI

Womens Multicoloured Block Edge-To-Edge Cardigan: Tu, £20

Right, so if you're wearing a top and jeans or anything with short sleeves and you feel a bit uncomfortable, the easiest solution is to throw on a light cardi on top! Definitely stock up on a few colours that'll work on everything - colourful ones are fun too!

8. BLAZERS

Blazers are CUTE. Don't @ me. Preppy and stylish? I'm there. They look cute with your jeans and a casual top if you want to be laid back, but also dressed up with a cute shirt too! The more vibrant the colour choice....the better. Another charity shop lookout.

And there you have it! My uninformed inner fashionista has surfaced (for one post only folks), here to impart my wisdom (which no-one really needed or asked for). I hope you enjoyed this kinda different type of post and I'm looking forward to publishing more content soon!

Hope the post-summer blues aren't getting you down - and lots of love,

SS xx

Hiya my beautiful people!

So. I've been trying to write this post for ~ two months now! I think it kind of reflects my year, don't you? Every time in the last two months that I've sat down to try and write about my year, it's like there's a block there, in my mind. No matter how hard I've been trying to put a positive spin on it, the honest truth about my first year at Oxford is that - it kind of sucked! A lot! I've already talked in previous posts about how hard I've found it academically, and my struggles with mental health - so what's new? Well, I thought I'd sit down and think hard about why I actually want to do this post.

I guess it was an easy idea - a word vomit about how difficult I had found every aspect of uni life. I wanted people to read it and relate to what I was going through. But sometimes, the truth of experiencing mental illness is that you don't want to sit down and write about it for everyone to see publicly. You don't want to admit that you've had a pretty rough time. Because everyone around you, everyone who supported your application to this wonderful place, who has known you since you were little and thinks you're a star - they expect you to have taken it all in your stride. Acing exams, doing all sorts of extracurriculars, struggling but in a cute 'I'm a broke student' kind of way. Even now, I find it terrifying and shameful to admit that being at Oxford ain't all that.

So, this time - I'm going to refrain from a long, wordy essay! You can't say I don't keep you guys interested. Instead of focusing on last year, I want to think about the here and now. What I'm loving right now, what I'm hoping for the future. So watch this space, because creative Memoona has finally got her pen in her hand (keyboard under her fingers?) and is ready to blog again.

What I do want to say before popping off to bake some brownies, is that my experience is just that - it's mine. Many people in my year have absolutely loved being at Oxford this year; very few have gone through it without some trials or tribulations. I love Oxford. I love the city, I love my college, I love the friends I've made there. Let's hope this following year and beyond, I can get back on my own two feet and start to enjoy my time here.

I hope y'all are having the best summers! I'll see you soon, and until then...

Love,

SS xx

Hi everyone!

Last time on Singing Sonnet: "I have a whole post about my term coming soon..."

Yeah....so THAT didn't go to plan! Hello lovely people who read my blog, or lovely people who have never read my blog - hi to you too! I'm Memoona, and I'm a failure.

Okay, that was a bit of a dramatic opening. Did you expect anything less? I've been wanting to write about this for ages but didn't manage to pluck up the courage until now. Today, let's talk about failure.

As I'm sure a lot of people are, I am a person who academic failure doesn't really happen to. I can safely sit here, from my privileged position, and say that. I aced every exam I needed to to get to Oxford - I did lots of projects on the side and they were all successful too. My life has been set up in such a way that I have never had to experience failure.

I was forced to believe, growing up, that failure was not an option. It was the most shameful, torrid thing that I could do and it made me a disgrace to everyone. It was drummed in to me - it became my way of thinking, my way of living. So much so that I learned how not to fail. At least, publicly. I looked at the answers when I was doing tests at home. I cheated just so I wouldn't look like a failure, because God knows I could live with the guilt but not with the failing. I feel ashamed saying that - but it's true. And when failing resulted in such inflammatory situations, what else could I do?

For a long time, I considered failure a word that was just not in my vocabulary. Whatever I did, I did it with both feet in, knowing that with the motivation I had, I would succeed. Well, there must have been something up there, even without the cheating (it was when I was 9, okay), that got me here. I must've done something right. I didn't fail. I mastered the art of not failing. Until I got to Oxford.

Most Oxford students will tell you - this place is a bubble. It's really not like any other university at all. It's a very unique place, but of course it's famous for producing extremely successful individuals. I am not one of those individuals. Ever since I got here, I felt like I wasn't meant to be here. My place here was a mistake - a fluke. I was nowhere near competent enough. My mental health was so bad that I barely managed to do normal things like get out of bed, let alone complete mountains of work and be the clever, sociable student that I wanted to be.

When I got back the results of my first public examinations in April, all of my 'cognitive distortions' (as my counsellor likes to call them) seemed to fall into place. They'd been true all along. Everyone around me was wrong - they weren't random voices in my head or irrational beliefs I had because of the trauma I'd faced in my life - they were fact. Real, true, things about me that I'd known all along and was just only now being presented to me on a piece of paper.

I passed 2 of my modules comfortably. My third module - neurophysiology - I failed.

When I first saw it, I crashed. I had a massive panic attack and my body just sort of shut down. Failure? Me? The girl who'd passed every exam she'd ever taken? What would the teachers who believed in me say? What would my friends say? What would my dad say? Here I was, studying at the University of Oxford, my parents gushing about it to everyone they met, and I failed. I was never meant to be here. It was all a lie. I was stupid to think that I'd ever do well here. I'm not special, I'm not extraordinary - I'm a failure, in all senses of the word.

My personal life was in ruins. I wasn't a good daughter, sister, friend - anything. So many failures in my life seemed to lead up to this big moment. I'd failed an audition. I'd failed an essay. I'd failed every social interaction that I had.

And so I started thinking about all of the other ways I was a failure. When that happens, everything just kind of snowballs. Suddenly, I can't do anything - I can't speak, I can't sing, I can't play music, I can't write, I can't act, I can't be a good friend, I can't be a normal person...the list goes on and on. Things that were only insecurities before, now became larger than life, everywhere that I turned.

For a girl who has been taught all of her life that failure is something to be deeply ashamed of, this was the end of the world. I wanted to give up. Nothing that I did would ever be enough to change how much I had failed - academically, and as a human being.

I may as well not try anymore. So many times in my life when I feel my mental health is on an up - something happens which makes it crash right back down again. It's always been like that. Up and down and all over the place. But every setback or heartbreak takes me months - sometimes even years - to recover from, and when you start adding them up, the equation becomes infinitely heavy. This felt like something I'd never be able to come back from.

Failure is such an enormous thing. It breaks you - it takes all of those negative feelings you have about yourself and it multiplies them by a hundred so they're all you can hear. The good things stop getting through. Resentment brews inside as you watch others 'succeed' in all aspects of their life.

I didn't write this post to tell you all that failure is a part of life and that we can move on from it, we can learn from it etc. etc. I didn't come here to tell you that the voices in your head are wrong and that your worth is not based on a single event or exam. Because I know, that in the depths of suffering from what a failure can do to you, those words can't and won't help you.

I'm still recovering. It's going to take me years not to believe all of the negative things I believe about myself. But that one exam I failed? I have another shot at it. I have a chance to make it okay. It wasn't the end of the world. It will be okay, fingers crossed. Sometimes, what we think is a failure, is in actual fact not a failure at all.

I was not well at all when I took that exam. Or in the lead-up to it. I was in an incredibly bad place mentally - so much so that 111 had to be called and things were scary. The fact that I even managed to sit those exams is a miracle. So, I failed. Yes, I know that. I also know, after hours and hours of counselling and lots of thinking, what I have to do to get myself out of this never-ending cycle of self-abuse that I'm in.

I have to forgive myself.

If I am ever to move on, or rationalise anything, I have to forgive myself. I'm only human. I'm a very ill human, actually. We're not made for this world to be perfect in every way. If you're suffering, or have ever suffered, from the disillusion that 'failure' can create - I wish I could give you a massive hug. I know how low your mind can go, and I want to work together. I want us all - all of us who are suffering, to join hands and try and forgive ourselves. It might take longer for some - it might be easier for others. But we are human beings and we deserve the kindness that we give to others. We're not perfect but we're not irrevocably destined to be the opposite extreme. Mistakes, even cartloads of them - don't make us failures.

I am Memoona, and I'm not a failure.

Let's work on believing that.

All my love,

SS xx

P.S. some of the lovely photos in this post were taken by my friend Noama, who is a superstar in every way.

Hey y'all!

How are you doing? It's coming to the end of March, can you believe it? Time is flying by, and I've only just managed to catch my breath! My second term at Oxford ended two weeks ago and to be honest, I've been running around everywhere and not had time to relax at all! I have a whole post about my term coming soon, but for today, I really wanted to talk about some women who have really inspired and shaped me over the years. Choosing just seven was so hard - there are so many more women who I look up to, but I know how I get with my post length, so I decided to keep it to seven! I hope you enjoy it!

Lady Gaga

I mean, is anyone surprised? Really? If you know me, you know that Lady Gaga Is such an integral part of me and my personality, as well as my musical inspiration. I don't know where to start with her! Her journey - oh my gosh. One of the most incredible things I find about her is that she was literally bullied in school for her big dreams, performed in New York City dive bars, dragging around her keyboard herself - and now, look where she is. People have only just started acknowledging how brilliant of an actress she is, and I'm sitting here smugly having known it right from when I first started following her in 2010. And her musical ability? Absolutely unmatched. Her sheer relation to music is what ties me to her most. When I perform, it is her that I'm channeling. Her confidence, her charisma, her determination to make people know that they are special and they're not alone: that is everything I want to be. She carries herself with such grace, but at the same time, she can hold the crowd in her palm. And she does it all whilst being incredibly open about her mental health. She suffers from chronic pain, as well as PTSD from the rape she suffered when she was 19. She is so unbelievably strong, and when I see her perform, watch her really pour it all out - I know it's coming straight from her heart. She puts her all into it. I love every one of her songs, but one that I'd like to give a special mention to is Hair. Every time I listen to Hair, it's like she's pulling the words out of ME. It's the understanding of that feeling that everyone is trying to stop you from being yourself, even you. Whew. I can't really express how much Lady Gaga means to me, but if there's anyone who has shaped me, it's her.

Rupi Kaur

Rupi Kaur. Although I've only recently introduced myself to her and her work, I am stunned. Her writing - I was shocked to find how similar it is to my style, and that makes me so happy! Her work is arresting - if you haven't read any of it, I'd recommend grabbing a copy of the sun and her flowers and just drowning in it. She is raw, emotional, putting words to feelings that I didn't actually think could be described. Minimalistic, open and so incredibly thoughtful, her work really speaks to me not only as a writer, but as someone who has poor mental health and is reading about an Asian woman who has also suffered from the same problems. Rupi is so important not just to the brown girl community but to women everywhere. She normalises discussion about taboo topics for Asian women like mental health, body image, domestic abuse, sexual assault and female sexual gratification.

Lilly Singh

Going from one inspirational Asian woman to another. Lilly is an icon. She not only is absolutely hilarious; she works tirelessly, supports other women and stands up for minorities. Again, she has had lots of problems with her mental health, and the way she has continued through it all really beats me. How she has managed to make it through every setback and boundary, with confidence, with humour, with #GirlLove - she is one of the strongest women I know.

Lea Michele

Oh, Lea. Lea played my favourite character on television, ever: Rachel Berry on Glee. I could go on for ages about Rachel Berry, but Lea herself has had one hell of a journey. Performing on Broadway since she was literally a child, she embraces every single bit of theatre and music. Her voice is just beautiful, her acting no less. The reason why she inspires me is that just like Lady Gaga, she sings from her heart. Every performance of hers is an outpouring of soul, and that is exactly what I aspire to. Apart from that though, she has had to face loss on the world stage - she lost Cory, her boyfriend on and off screen in 2013, and she was in a bad place for a while. But what she managed to do after that floors me. She picked herself back up, released her debut album, finished off glee on a high, and booked new shows. Bit by bit, she healed, and now she is happily married! If she can make it through, I've always tried to tell myself, so can I.

Emily Helsby

Now, Emily is a friend of mine who ran our school Amnesty Youth Group when she was in sixth form. Emily has since gone on to even bigger and better things - She's worked with Amnesty UK on The Student Action Network Committee and tirelessly advocates for racial equality. I wanted to mention her because she's unknowingly had such a huge part in my own development as a young woman in the world. Emily is a warrior. She puts her all into everything she does, despite her own struggles, and she doesn't stop at that. she makes it happen. She makes change happen, and I could not be more proud that I know her and all the good she is doing. She is superhuman, quite literally. She has inspired me to never give up.

Amanda Brookfield

I think I've mentioned Amanda before on here! Amanda is the visiting Creative Arts Fellow at my college in Oxford: she was only meant to stay for the winter term, but has ended up staying for all three! Amanda was part of the first female cohort at my college, and she is now a published author! Having known her for two terms now, I can safely say that she is very much one of the major reasons I feel at home in Oxford. Her creative writing sessions not only inspire thought way beyond her cosy room, but encourage me to reflect about the process of writing itself and how I can get the best out of myself. I've learnt so much from her already - my writing has new life, more confidence, and more belief. Writing aside, Amanda has been an incredible friend to me - she has been a person I can talk to about anything, and I am honestly so lucky to have met her. She is on this list because she too, has come back from heartbreak, adversity, loss - and she is still standing! Not just standing, but publishing bestsellers, owning the cutest dog in existence (big love to Mabel) and bringing students to a safe space where they can talk not only about the magic of literature, but about their own feelings. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is. I hope I can do that one day.

Kim

I have many teachers to thank for how they've been there for me over the years. My A-level Psychology teachers, for always believing in me, my English teacher who pushed me to be my best and believe in my writing, my mentors Mrs O and Mrs C for being shoulders to cry on and never letting me fall...I am grateful for all of them. They have changed my life. But Kim - Kim was the first person, the first person I can ever remember - who told me she believed in me. Kim only taught me in Year 6, and it was only Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but honestly, she was the one who gave me my spark. She encouraged my writing, my singing, my acting! She made me fall in love with art, made me feel so incredibly special. I have no idea where she is now, but the last time I saw her, on the last day of primary school - she told me I was going to be a star. I've held on to that through the years that have followed, and if I can inspire half the love and magic she's inspired in me, I will know that I've done her proud.

There are so many of my friends that I want to mention, but if I do that I'm pretty sure this post will be longer than Order of the Phoenix! There are so many astounding women in my life, inspiring me to be my best self - myself. Zai, Becx, Anna, Sammy, Noama, Harriet, Issy, Sisa, Penny, Emma, Lucie, Ciara, Becca..the list goes on and on and on. You are all superheroes in your own way. You've all made me who I am, picked me up when I'm down - you know I love you all more than anything. Here's to women all over, supporting each other always!

So much love, especially to my wonderful women,

SS xx

Hi everyone!

My gosh, it's 2019. The year of promise. For a lot of diet-mad, twitter-positive people anyway. Hey, not that that's a bad thing...I'm just not a New Year's person. I've got to admit, I make little goals for the year in my head, but overall I'm pretty pessimistic about the whole shebang. You know me.

So, as it's January, and I haven't done one of these in a while, I thought I'd let you guys know what I've been listening to. I've talked about my terribly narrow music taste before, but I'm gonna reiterate it. For someone who claims to be so in touch with music, I really do not listen to a lot of it. I don't really go looking for songs, or ever tell myself to try a new album. I'll pick up new songs from moments in TV Shows, or on YouTube suggested videos. Wow, I am lazy, maybe I should be making some resolutions...Sorry for being even more weird than usual, this is becoming a bit of a ramble! At least that gives you guys an indication as to what I'm like in person...I also think I should mention, this playlist of mine is definitely a bag of allsorts. For some strange reason, it works. It's the soundtrack to my life right now.

Without further ado, here is my January Jukebox! Click this link to listen to all of these songs on YouTube!

This Year's Love - David Gray

Oh my gosh, this song. I genuinely put this on, close my eyes, and imagine dancing with (insert your crush/significant other/celebrity fantasy here). It's such a beautiful beautiful song, so simply put together and it really plays on my emotions. When the chorus hits with that minor chord, I freaking well up. I've listened to it so many times now, expecting at some point to get tired of it - but I don't think that's happening any time soon.

Maria - West Side Story

Well, this may just be one of the most beautiful love songs in existence. The way Tony sings about this wonderful, enchanting moment - when he first sees his love, Maria - it's breathtaking. The emotion and passion that this is sung with...is only something I can aspire to with my own singing. You can tell that this is such a defining, enormous moment for Tony - he is transfixed by Maria and this song captures that so damn well.

California Dreamin - Sia

I don't know why, but this song makes me feel all 2000s. It's something about that intoxicating beat and how hypnotic Sia's voice is. This one I don't really connect with the lyrics, it's the track and the melody that really get me - it's so croony and dramatic and majestic. I love.

Shallow - Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper

If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that since August, I have not shut up about A Star is Born. That movie broke me even before I saw it. Listening to the soundtrack destroyed me alone. And Shallow, being probably the most well known track from the movie, is fittingly my favourite song from it. It's charted all over the world for a reason. Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, singing as if to the love of their lives, their voices melding so perfectly together, the guitar riff in the background so beautiful, the lyrics positively insane. This song is unmatchable. Within one listen, I knew it had instantly inserted itself into my favourite songs folder. I could go on and on about the little details I love about this song. Bradley's projection, the hollowness of his voice. The reverberation of the piano when it kicks in at Gaga's verse. The soft, country sound to Gaga's usually authoritative voice...and then how it transcends into her well-known powerful range. THAT musical break. THAT VOICE. I am a Little Monster through and through, but listening to Shallow made me truly proud to be. I'm, falling...in all the good times, I find myself longing. Pure lyrical genius.

Shotgun - George Ezra

From Shallow to Shotgun! This is arguably the song of last year's summer - I can definitely remember vibing to it in my friend Penny's car on a sunny day in September. George Ezra is just wonderful. I mean, listen to it, go on. How can you not get up and dance? I've recently (don't laugh) been watching a few dance tutorials so I don't look like the elephant that I am if I am ever required to dance, in any situation, and I've been using dem dance moves...whenever I'm alone. I have dignity, people.

Clown - Emeli Sande

Oh, wow. Emeli Sande. Do I even need to say anymore? This song is so emotional - it is really directed at someone, and I especially love how delicate her voice is on that iconic chorus. The bridge makes me cry - this is definitely one I put on when I'm sad. I'm going to try and learn this on the piano, because I'd love to be able to cover it!

Wherever You Are - 5 Seconds of Summer

Okay, what would a playlist of mine be without a 5SOS song? This is one of the OGs, one of THE BEST SONGS EVER (fight me). Man, I could listen to this over and over again, and spoiler alert: I do. It just evokes so many emotions. From that first guitar riff, right to the very end, I am in tears. a) Luke Hemmings' fetus voice. Just Luke Hemmings to be honest. b) Calum in the bridge. c) YOUUUUUU, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOUUUUUUU, WHEREVER YOU ARE. This would 100% be the song that breaks me if I ever get lucky enough to go to a 5SOS concert and they decide to play it.

Why Won't You Love Me - 5 Seconds of Summer

Ah, on the off chace Wherever You Are didn't break me, Why Won't You Love Me would definitely do the job. Any day. Of all the songs on this list, this is the song I definitely connect to the most. In terms of melody, lyrics, pure passion - I feel like it's been written for me. Or maybe for my wattpad characters, but hey, that's the same thing. I love this song beyond comprehension. I turn this on, and I feel a bit transcendental. The basis of it is so simple, and so easy to relate to. Why won't you love me? I cry listening to this one too (as you can see, there is a pattern here). It has that unique quality of being a heartbreaking, emotional song that brings up all of your feelings, and at the same time being a song you can bounce to, bump your head to, probably even slow-dance to. The chords are so beautiful. The song is so beautiful. This is one I'll keep with me forever.

I Dreamed A Dream - Glee

An absolute classic. I know this song moves a lot of people. I used to be very obsessed with it in Year 9, especially this incredible duet between two powerful, insane singers in their own right: Lea Michele and Idina Menzel. I don't think I need to say much about the song itself - it's undeniable. The loss of hope, the beauty of the orchestra that puts it all together...just amazing.

Sorry - Halsey

This song is an unsung hero. Halsey is brilliant, but this was a gem of hers I hadn't discovered until a few months ago, and I'm obsessed with it. I feel as though this is a topic in music that hasn't really been explored, and I'm so glad Halsey did, because she did it so wonderfully well. For those of you haven't heard it (what are you waiting for?), the song describes someone apologising to their lover, for not believing that anyone could fall in love with them. I guess this song hits me especially hard because I have a lot of insecurities about my own relationships - the lyrics really explain it in a way that I have never been able to. The whole idea of not knowing how to return love, how to return friendship and hurting the other person in the process. It's incredible.

My first post of 2019! I hope you've enjoyed it! Hopefully this won't be my last for a while - I am going back to uni in a few days and I have exams...which I should probably start revising for...but I think I've really rediscovered my love of writing this holiday. I've been jotting things down, getting all of my feelings out. And I think it really does help me. It takes me away from how overwhelming things can be sometimes. Writing on wattpad is really rewarding to, because I get to construct a world, explore character's feelings, and cheesily, learn things about myself through the stuff I write. Hopefully I can carry on blogging and helping myself that way.

Love, and Happy New Year kiddies,

SS xx

....Hello!

Well, it's definitely been a while hasn't it? How are you? How have you been? I hope you're embracing the festive season, and that you're well! Here's an appropriate Seth Cohen GIF to help you out.

I thought I'd come and let you guys know that I'm alive, I survived my first term at university and I am here to tell you all about it. As usual, this is probably going to be a long-ass post. High points, low points - the real tea is about to be spilled so grab yourself a snack and snuggle up, 'cause this was my first term at Oxford!

Wowee. Well, you hear a lot about Freshers week before you start uni. I arrived on the 30th of September, doe-eyed and extremely anxious...checked into my room, waved goodbye to my family, and then went to the common room, where everyone was accumulating. Actually, at that point, the common room was barely inhabited. There were a few people sat on sofas drawing up conversations. And what did I do as soon as I walked in? You guessed it, I walked straight back out. What a great first impression to make! I went back a little later, and by then it was completely packed and I stood in the doorway with a few other people, trying to act like I was cool and confident. Have any of you ever watched me try and be cool and confident? It's not pretty.

To tell you guys the truth, my anxiety was sky-rocketing so hard that I barely spoke to anyone for the first few days, and stayed in my room every evening to watch Strictly and the X Factor. It was a very difficult week, actually - I'd expected myself to embrace this new lease of life, the freedom of being away from home, but when I woke up every morning, I still felt weird. Not homesick but....a bit lost. And I was told that that's a very normal way to feel, and that everyone feels the same way, but when everyone else is talking and laughing and doing stuff together, it sure as hell doesn't feel like that!

Thankfully, a few days later, I came out of my shell a little and dipped my toe in the water, and it turned out that the water wasn't actually that cold...so I submerged my whole foot, and over the next few days, I managed to get waist deep! (We love some metaphors here on Singing Sonnet).

It helps having some wonderful friends from sixth form living less than 5 minutes away, but everywhere I went, there were people in exactly the same boat - happy to say hi and introduce themselves. The girls who live on my staircase are absolute dreams; they are so lovely! Oxford really is a beautiful place to be living in...my daily cycle ride to where I have my lectures is breathtaking and I kind of have to pinch myself a little bit. From the window of my top floor room, I can see the incredible blue dome of the Radcliffe Camera (apologies for the blurry photo).

They weren't lying about the intensity of it. Week 1 started, and oh my gosh, I was hit with lectures, reading for lectures, reading for tutorials, essays for tutorials, problem sheets for statistics...there wasn't a lot of breathing time at all and I have definitely perfected the art of power-napping.

But let's not focus on the work. Let's talk about some amazing things that have happened in my first few weeks.

I performed at my first open mic! It was in our dining hall and I went wrong many times, but it felt good to release that part of me straight away, have that finally be a part of me that I can just transform into and be confident doing it. I did another in the penultimate week of term: a solo AND a duet with a lovely girl named Catty! It felt more incredible than most other things, to be honest.

At Oxford, we have this thing called college families. Two (or more) second years got 'married' in their first years and they are given first year 'children'. Being honest, it works for some and doesn't work for others, but my college parents are definitely the absolute best. They are scarily quite a lot like me...they love musicals and GLEE (yeah I had to stand up and calm myself down when I found that out) and all things music. It was so good to have our first meal together, and in our last week they invited us over to their flat and our college dad cooked us an INCREDIBLE meal! They leave us kiddies little treats in our pigeonholes, and honestly, nothing quite makes your day like finding a Ben's Cookie with a handwritten note to accompany.

So, two weeks in, I realised walking to places was a little too much exercise than I'm used to, so I decided t0 buy myself a bike! I wouldn't ride it for a few days, because trust me, there are A LOT of buses in Oxford, and cycling is kind of aggressive here. But then, a friend persuaded me to cycle behind her on my way to my lecture, and I did! My God, cycling in Oxford is a bit of a MOMENT. You feel like you're part of the fabric that holds this little city together. Just read that back and oh my gosh, you guys must be rolling your eyes at my ability to make anything dramatic! :D

Another awesome thing that happened: matriculation! Matriculation is the formal registration of students into the university, and it was such a wonderful, memorable day! We got to finally dress up in our black robes and ribbons, and although it took probably six centuries to get us all on to the big metal frame for the photo, it was actually a whole lot of fun. The ceremony itself wasn't very long at all...the Chancellor said a few words in Latin and then we all got up and left! Afterwards, most of the freshers at my college were going to the park to have drinks and go punting, but my friend Ciara and I decided neither of us were up for that, and ended up having a lovely, quiet Domino's in our college garden! There was barely anyone in the college, and it was so amazing to find someone who felt just as anxious as I was about the whole thing. Later, I met up with two of my school friends who are also at Oxford, Rowan and Junaid. We took some brilliant photos, and just as we were saying goodbye, we found The Oxford Ferrets (check out their instagram here, you won't be disappointed) scuttling around the RadCam! Cutest little things I have ever seen.

I was so grateful for my school friends Penny and Noama coming to stay for a night with me at several points in the term. It is honestly amazing to have people who will travel an hour and a half both ways just to come see you, and I'd never thought that I'd have such amazing friends who would do that for me! I had such a great time showing them around, eating pizza, and just talking about life. I don't think I'm ever gonna forget that big, dramatic, emotional hug Noama and I had when she got off the bus at Oxford, or when Penny came with me to my subject initiation ceremony and was probably scarred for life! We climbed up to the top of St Mary's Church, and it really puts this beautiful city in perspective. My lovely friend Anna also came to visit, and we had the best time walking around the city centre together, and going for a spontaneous punting trip with her mum and our friend Nathan! It was a dreamy day. I also went punting with Noama, but that is a story for a whole 'nother day, because it was probably the most disastrous experience of my life!

The arts fellow at our college this term was Amanda Brookfield, who is a published author, dog-lover and all-round amazing person. She ran a few writing workshops which were SO MUCH FUN and really made me laugh and get out of my shell. She is just so funny, but she has been really understanding on a personal level as well. I told her about my anxiety and she was so helpful, dropping me emails to catch up on how I'm doing.

A top moment of mine from the term has to be my last day. For genuinely the first time that term, I was bouncing around with a great big smile on my face. In the morning, a guy named Josh (who I met at Amanda's workshops) and I went for tea and cake with her at a cafe, to tell her how much we had loved her time at the college and how sad we were that she was going. It was such a lovely talk, and we may have even persuaded her to come back next term....hopefully! She really is incredible! Josh and I have also talked about starting a creative writing society at our college when we get back next term, and honestly, that is the most excited I've been for something in ages! I spent time after that packing up the remains of my room with music blaring from my speaker. Just before sunset, I met up with my friend from sixth form (who also happens to be studying in the college right behind me!) Nathan, and we had a hot chocolate and caught up, which was also just wonderful. It is great having people who have known you for a long time, because you can just be yourself and honest around them. Later, just before leaving, Ciara and I helped each other get our boxes into storage for the vacation. Bless her, Ciara's room is probably the furthest (in terms of the number of stairs) from storage you can get, and we almost cried laughing as we tried to heave her boxes down those stairwells. That was an experience, alright.

I went out three times in the term, and my gosh, my eyes have been opened. They have seen things...that they can't really unsee. Being the only one sober on the dance floor presents you with a lot of situations that you just wouldn't have been in had you been inebriated...I'll leave it at that.

Now, I talked about the highs, but I have to be honest...they were few and far between.

I found fitting in to university life extremely difficult. When everyone around you is drinking and smoking and have a whole lot of memories about drinking and smoking to fall back on, it's really hard to engage and find something you have in common with them. Sure, everyone is absolutely great and I loved their personalities from afar, I was always terrified if anyone even said hi to me. I didn't know how to react, how much to smile, how much to talk. I ended up fulfilling my own prophecy and being very quiet and withdrawn from it all. I didn't get involved in any societies, barely ever socialised and didn't really speak unless I was spoken to.

It really surprised me, this big personality shift. In my hopes and dreams for Oxford, I had always thought about becoming more confident, more outgoing, being less insecure. Instead, I felt like I completely backtracked. I kept my head down, didn't dare get involved in anything, and never really attempted to make friends. Thankfully, my friendship with Ciara, my college brother Michael and another wonderful girl Lucie saved me from being completely friendless, and I love those guys so much already.

The first few weeks, I was sort of getting the hang of it. Doing the work, living by myself, popping round to Tesco's. But then I got ill.

At the end of the third week, I had a huge crash. I think it was an accumulation of everything that has happened in the last few years, just ganging up on me all at once. At that point in time, I wasn't really comfortable with contacting my very new college friends, and my school friends were miles and miles away, so I felt incredibly alone. I got extremely ill. I physically couldn't get out of bed, and I cut off contact with everyone. I shut myself into my room, didn't eat for days, and really lost most of my basic functioning.

I had an emergency doctor's appointment. We talked through it all, through my loss of control, and she decided that I needed to be seen urgently by the mental health services. I was put into contact with them straightaway. I spoke on the phone to a psychiatric nurse, as well as a doctor. They saw me very quickly, in a matter of days (days through which I stopped going to any lectures, and basically lay on my sofa all day), and took me through a full, thorough assessment at the hospital. This was incredibly draining, and at the end, I felt like they'd taken absolutely everything out of me. After everything ended, I had another doctor's appointment, and I was told something that I've been suspecting for a long time now.

I have depression.

Wow. It feels weird saying it. I don't think I've actually said it loud, or even typed it until now. It feels so definitive...like, this is it. This is me screwed for the rest of my life, officially.

I am now trying out antidepressants, for the first time ever. In the first few weeks that I took them, I actually felt worse (which I knew was normal). I was nauseous, I couldn't sleep, I was so dizzy, and my appetite fluctuated massively. Some days I didn't eat anything, and others, I ate like a pig and felt guilty afterwards. But I guess what hurt me most of all through that process was that I went through it completely alone. I went to every appointment, to the hospital, by myself. This was such a huge event in my life, I felt like absolute crap, and I had to go through it alone, just because I couldn't tell my family. I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't want to be that girl that everyone felt like they had to tiptoe around.

I still can't really get my head around it. Things are so wrong inside me that I've actually been diagnosed? It's strange. It's cold. It's medical. I was given a few counselling appointments by the University Counselling Service, and they told me that I really needed something long term. However, putting me on the NHS waiting list would equate to nothing, so they suggested private therapy. Of course, this isn't really an option, because I didn't have a job before coming to uni, and my only source of income is from my parents! Student loans, the cost of living...I can't make space for £60 a week counselling sessions, can I? They gave me a list of therapists and told me to think about it, but...hmm.

The remainder of the term was difficult to get through. I was so ill, I didn't want to see anyone, and the most problematic thing was that I couldn't work. I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything, let alone go and spend five hours writing an essay. I managed to churn them out by doing them on the day they were due, but they were a huge source of stress for me. I felt too intimidated by my tutors to say anything about the workload. My social life was practically nonexistent.

Only at this point have I actually realised how difficult it is to live with a mental illness, especially when you can't tell the people closest to you. I have had anxiety for years, but nothing has ever hit me as physically as this has. I've never felt so debilitated, so absolutely helpless.

It's a new period of my life now.

We always try and be positive here on Singing Sonnet, though. Next term, I will have more of a handle on living alone. I know that I have friends, right there whenever I need them. My friend Nathan has been a godsend, as well as my college friends. I will need to make a physical effort, and that's going to be hard...but you know, I could crack it. I could figure out how to get out three essays a fortnight, and not leave work to (often literally) the last minute. I could figure out how to balance a social life on top. Maybe even a society or two on top of that! Okay, this is getting a little ambitious, and maybe I should set my sights a little lower, but the truth is, there are things to look forward to, even though it's scary.

The creative writing society, for instance. More open mics and college concerts! The possibility of Amanda staying on for another term! Getting to know my college friends more! Snow, hopefully, which means snowball fights and snowmen! Smuggling a microwave into my room so I don't have to trek to the kitchen (wow, this is really pushing it)! Redecorating my room when I get back! Teas with my staircase girls! More coffees and catchups with my school friends! More endless writing on my Wattpad books, and in general! Trying to challenge my inner Brendon Urie and having high hopes!

Okay, there are exams too, both at the start and the end of term, which I haven't really started revising for....

BUT the point is, life at any university has ups and downs. Some days, you absolutely love being there, and other days, you hate the place. Friendships are hard. They take time. Illness is hard. Work is hard (no kidding). You really start to wonder why they call uni the best years of your life. But in a weird and wonderful way, maybe it's because they have so many ups and downs that they are the best years of your life. You really grow as a person, and although my personality has backtracked in my first term, that wasn't my fault, and I know I can come back stronger. Maybe not next term. Maybe not even this year. But I will.

Love, from a very tired and flu-afflicted girl spending the holidays in Karachi (ooh la la), and hoping you're doing good, wherever you are,

SS xx

Hey People!

So if you've been keeping up with me for a while, you might remember that I posted about a year and a bit ago about my trip to Oxford for the University's open day. Thinking back on that trip is crazy - I felt like Rachel Berry walking through the streets of New York City that day!

Well, I wanted to give you guys an update...

I applied to study Experimental Psychology at Oxford this year, got through a huge interview crisis (a story for a rainy day) and got an offer! My offer was an A* and two As! But, the twitter-savvy ones amongst you will know that it was A-level results day a couple of weeks ago and I found out that...

I GOT IN! GUYS, I'M GOING TO OXFORD THIS MONTH!

This is insane. Absolutely insane. I've been working up to this point for seven years, and to open up my envelope and find out that I'm going...I can't tell you guys how incredible that feeling was. My teachers were so proud of me. My parents and family were so proud of me. Frankly, even I felt a little bit proud of me.

I've faced curveball after curveball, and a lot of the time it feels like I don't deserve this, or that me being picked is a mistake. But that day, I was proud of me.

This is huge. I can't believe it, I don't think I really will until I'm there. People like Stephen Hawking, C.S. Lewis and Imran Khan have studied at Oxford. People would kill to have the kind of influence those people have had. I hope I can learn so much, and just blossom. Become the person that I am on the inside, and be able to take what I learn beyond and help as many people as I can.

So, on to new adventures now! I've already done a massive post about the huge changes my life is heading towards (which you can check out here...hehe), but one thing I can say for definite is that I am absolutely terrified. Oh, I'm excited too, moving out of a traumatic and toxic home environment, but I'm just as scared as I am happy.

I have to start again. And I'm not sure I have the strength in me to do that with 100% energy. But...on a cautiously hopeful note, maybe...I won't need 100% energy? Maybe...people will like my weird, awkward-as-hell personality? I got some advice about this particular issue - my friend told me to just put myself out there. Is it as easy as that? And what does that even mean? Actually talk to people? Whew, that's scary.

Aside from that, I, honestly, have a lot of posts in my draft folder, not yet ready to see the world...but I am gonna try and work on those and feel more confident about putting them out there!

Thanks for having my back, all the way.

See you soon,

Oxford Girl

oh whoops, I meant...

Love,

SS xx

Me?

Past, Present and Future. Three words, which are so small, in all truth - too small, to describe how many different mes are going to surface, and fade, and give rise to more. At the moment, this feels so hard to accept - such a difficult concept to grasp!

The me right now, feels as though she's come nowhere since me at 11 years old. Is it, accurate, then, to predict that the same me will be writing the same words seven years later, feeling exactly the same feelings?

If I'm being realistic, no. Who knows what the world is gonna throw at me in the next seven years? Although, at the moment, I'm very much concerned with what the world is gonna throw at me in the next seven days...Anyway, the point is, I can't tell the future. So why am I trying to? Who knows, maybe I'll be in a happy place, or a happier place, or just somewhere where I truly belong.

But, am I realistic? No. Even as I wrote the paragraph above, I laughed at myself. Who am I kidding? With the problems I have now, I know exactly how things are going to happen, because I know me. Don't I? I know that I have a lot of wide-ranging issues - issues that won't just disappear, because they haven't over the last seven years, so why would they over the next? I know that as I grow older, it becomes more and more difficult for me to be normal (for want of a better word) and to make normal connections with people because I have such a messed up way of living and thinking.

So, I'm saying it. I'm terrified of the future. In fact, I dread it, because I dread knowing that it will be exactly like it is now - and I guess that's a very pessimistic way of seeing it. But I know me. Or so I think.

I like to think I know myself. I'm capable of accessing my deepest emotions, and I am definitely a thinker (if not an overthinker) - I know what I like, what I dislike, why I do what I do. Isn't that enough? What part of me is there, that I haven't thought about, or haven't known? Maybe I didn't when I was younger, but I definitely know myself inside out now, at 18.

I thought about it long and hard - what I don't know about myself. And then it hit me. What I don't know, is what frankly no-one really will ever know.

My own capacity. In the words of Moana - how far I'll go.

I don't know the future. I don't know what kind of path I'm looking at - I really have no idea. I don't know, really, what lies inside me. I don't believe I am that strong, but haven't I kept going? Through times when I thought that breathing was pretty inconvenient? I'm tougher than I think I am, and maybe more of that strength is down there somewhere - and yes, life is probably going to take some pretty random twists and turns. I might surprise myself though - I might pick myself back up from this. I might pick up this sad loser that is typing away with nothing else really to live for right now, and become more.

The 'might' - that's the only thing we have to go on. And I understand - I completely do - that 'might' is not enough for us. It's certainly not felt like enough for me these past seven years. But one thing is for sure - we keep moving. Life doesn't stop. Time doesn't stop. Time is racing away, and so are we.

Me. I think I know myself, back to front. But I don't. I started out blogging because I was trying to find myself - find my own voice. I'm still on that journey, three years later. I definitely have learnt some important things about myself though - I sound stupid when I try and blog about beauty, or makeup or other random things I don't know a lot about. But - I sound passionate when I talk about music - and mental health, and baking. Going places. Seeing things, seeing people.

So what, maybe this blogging malarkey isn't really for me. Am I going to quit? Hell, no. I don't care if it's three people who read it, or three hundred, or three thousand - I am going to be honest with myself. I'm going to be me, and that is exactly who these words are coming from! I can't back down from being myself, even when I feel as terrible as I do, and as hopeless as writing about it feels. Who knows? Maybe some of you get it? I am myself - I live and breathe music, I write, I fantasise about being onstage, or behind a camera, or writing a script. When I struggle, it's difficult to put up that me. The ambitious me, the me that I know. But when I do it - I feel stronger, and like I can touch the world in some way. I wonder where you're reading this...on what device...in what part of the world? I hope, through this computer screen, you can see ME for who I truly am, and what I believe in. And I hope we can be friends.

I'm going through a really tough patch, to be honest. Every time this happens, things seem to somehow be worse than before - but a friend reminded me that writing about my feelings never fails to make me feel closer to the world, to the reality. I'm off to the Isle of Man on Sunday! I'm excited, although I'm not sure whether I'll be able to stop thinking about Results Day enough to enjoy it...honestly, I hope it does me good. I hope there are lots of reasons to smile next week, for you and for me.

Thank you for reading, as always, and my love to you, wherever you are,

SS

xx

Hi everyone!

It has been a long long year, and I'm already a month into my big post-A-level summer! I have no idea what I've been doing for this last month (except helping my parents host lots of guests), but I thought I'd share with you a few ideas for what I want to do for the rest of it! Of course, I will be off to uni at the end of September (fingers crossed!) so there are a few things to do with that too!

1. Read, read, read.

It has probably been around four years since I properly read for leisure, and I can tell you right now, it is a great feeling to drown right back into it! There is absolutely nothing like having your nose in a good book - I've got ones that I've been dying to read, but I would love it if you guys commented down below with some of your favourites/suggestions. The more the better! I've been reading All The Lights We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, and it is a hell of a good book so far! It's set during WWII (I love war and postmodern fiction) and I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves some good ol' fashioned characterisation!

2. Learn how to cook (sigh)

The time has come. As much as I hate cooking, my mum is adamant that I must learn before I go to uni, otherwise I will never bring myself to do it and probably starve within a week of being there! So far, I've learnt four or five different dishes (when I say learnt, I've written their recipes down and watched my mum cook them...) but it is an excuse to make my recipe book look nice and pretty so I can whip it out at uni to make my fellow students jealous (I am sad).

3. Learn some basic human skills

Right, let me explain, as this is a bit of a weird one. Neither my mum, or anyone in my life really taught me how to do my hair when I was little - because I just wear a headscarf all the time and it seemed pointless to learn how to do much more than tying a bun or a ponytail. But I have quite long hair, and I do want to do something with it sometimes, contrary to what y'all might think. Whenever we go to Pakistan, my cousins have all these hairstyles that they whiz out in under a minute while I'm stuck with the old grandma bun. Do you guys have any suggestions with how I should get myself into it? I'm struggling at the moment, my arms just start aching - and I can't do a plait to save my life. HELP PLS!

4. Take my theory test (at least)

I'm procastinating this one hard. I have all the books, my provisional licence came through the post a couple of weeks ago, but I just can't seem to sit down and study for my theory test. It just looks like a lot to remember, and to be honest, I am done with heavy revision for now. Nevertheless, I'm gonna have to do it so I can start learning the basics of actually driving, because it is kind of an essential skill and I would be nuts not to take the opportunity of this long expanse of time to learn it.

5. Prepare for Uni! (SHOPPING!)

This is probably what I'm MOST excited for! Although a part of me is sad and a bit scared, I am mostly just buzzing to pack up my things, buy some new clothes and just emerge at uni as a decently dressed Memoona who is cool as a cucumber. I got given a gift card for WHSmith's by my volunteering group, so I can't wait to go on a stationery spree in there (I will show you guys, don't worry!), and having my own spice collection is kind of exciting! I've already got my bag and my bike sorted - and one of the only productive things I have done is turn my room upside down. I got rid of so much crap, and found so many useful things that I want to take with me! I also want to get a really cute planner and start doing funky notes and dates - that is my stationery lover's dream.

6. Binge watch all of my favourite TV shows

Oh, yes. This is gonna happen. I'm talking GLEE, Once Upon A Time, Outlander, Gossip Girl....you name it, I'll watch it. I, as you know, am a very emotional person and I have EXTREMELY emotional responses to whatever TV show I'm watching. If you know me pretty well (or even just follow me on twitter), you'll know that GLEE is my favourite show of all time and I have to stop myself from crying at every single episode because I love it and the story it tells SO MUCH. I love stories, in any way, shape or form and really well-written shows or movies are bound to get me in the heart. I am also excited to rewatch OUAT, which I haven't done at all! I've never gone back and watched it again from the start, so I AM READY. This summer is for the binge.

7. Music!

I want to learn so much more on my ukulele, and once I get my keyboard, on that too! It is difficult getting chances to play music at home, because my parents rarely leave me alone, but I find opportunities here and there and I can't wait to learn more and more! I don't just want to learn though, I want to find a lot of music that I haven't discovered yet, to add it to my growing inner music bank. I already know that 5SOS's new album, Youngblood, has cemented its place there firmly, as it's been out for a month and I haven't listened to anything else since! No lie, I really haven't been listening to anything else, I just have it on repeat all the time! I identify heavily with so many of the songs on there, and the ones I don't identify with I jam to so it's just the perfect album for me.

8. Writing!

I love writing. You all know this. I'm working on so many different little stories at the moment - and it is so brilliant to have so much time to spend on it! I never write in a linear fashion, which is annoying - I always have lightbulb cinema moments in my head where I visualise a certain scene happening and I have to get it down, no matter where it is in the story! It also so happens that I write according to my mood - if I'm feeling particularly in good spirits, I like writing quite happy, or romantic scenes. When I'm very down, I write the angst, the sad bits, the long passages of description. I love immersing myself in the details of a setting! I wish I could show you guys my work - but it's actually quite embarassing and nonlinear so I couldn't show you even if I wanted to! I've always always wanted to write a beautiful novel that really moves people - because those are the ones I love best and I really want it to have an effect on people, but I haven't come up with an idea for that yet, as hard as I'm trying! One day, though. One day.

9. See my friends!

I miss all of my friends so much! They're all off doing incredible things but I really want to spend some time with them this summer! We've always had A-levels looming over us, so I want to take this time to relax and do some fun stuff! Time spent with friends, even if we watch a movie at my house, is really valuable to me. I've got plans to go the fair, the cinema, bowling - and to Bowood House because my best friend Samreen has never been! We're going to own that massive tree-house.

10. Blogging!

Now, I've been so busy over the last year that I've never really got a chance to blog consistently, but this summer I really want to up my blogging game. I want to engage more with other bloggers, read more blogs and post more on my own! I have a lot of ideas, but one problem I find with blogging is that it really doesn't make me happy unless I have good photos. I'm here with my iPhone 5C camera, poor lighting, and nothing to photograph a lot of the time. I wish I had someone who would take cute pictures of me, it would solve so many of my problems! Despite this, I fully enjoy writing, and I'm focusing on that at the moment. The photography will come. Eventually.

What are your summer plans? Are you going away on holiday? Or are you holing up in your bedroom with a book, like me? Either way, let me know down below, I'd love to chat to you guys more!

Hope the summer is treating you well, and thank you for reading!

Love,

SS xx

Hi there...(slithers out from the woodwork)

So, as you may or may not be aware, I've been particularly absent and busy for the last few months - a lot (and I mean a lot) has been happening. I thought I would ease myself back into this blog by telling you about some of it.

I've left school now - that's a thing. It sounds weird to say, even weirder to write. School has been such an incredibly large part of my life. It might sound a little cliche but it is where I have become a person; where I have realised what my dreams and aspirations are. Where I have felt accepted and part of something special. Inevitably, leaving school is one of those unique endings in life that catapults you into cloudy change: uncertainty and desire to return to the routine.

I was chatting to one of my psychology teachers the other day, and I said - I sometimes wish I could put my uniform back on and start over again in Year 7. She smiled, and quite knowingly replied that I don't though, not really. And that was something to get my head round. She said it wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't be the same person and I wouldn't have the same experience. As much as it may be tiresome for many people, school was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me, and I wouldn't go back and change it. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go back and erase all those fundamental errors I made, but it all happened. It wasn't perfect, no part of it was. But that's great. I can't say honestly that it's been amazing and incredible and just brilliant - because it hasn't, sometimes. It's been really, really terrible at times. But my teacher was right - it was unique and will remain a special time to me.

Leaving school is leaving friendly faces whom have stayed with you and transformed throughout; it's leaving those little spots that you called yours; leaving the bliss of walking those corridors and knowing you were a thread in the fabric; leaving the mentors who never let you stop believing in yourself; leaving the places you would go when you would be sick of the world, sick of the people in it. It's leaving the know - the concrete, the sound. It's a loss of purpose, of small pleasures, of innocence.

That might be putting it a bit dramatically, but now the future is open. There's an infinitesimal number of roads I could take - or indeed, find myself on. It would be easier if at least some part of it was certain. Yes, I, like everyone else, am absolutely dying to know my results to find out whether I'm going to be living in Oxford for the next three academic years. Everyone wants that plan, that map. Although, there is a certain dread attached to it as well - my exams were all extremely difficult, and the only grade I feel reassured of getting is my Psychology one. If I don't get my A* in Maths - which is likely after the disastrous final paper, I'm not going to Oxford. It's astounding how simple it yes, yet how life-defining. I'm not even sure I'm going to get my required grade for English, and if I don't get that, I'm not going to my insurance Birmingham either! It's terrifying, not only because my family has been bigging me up to friends and extended family in Pakistan about me being the first girl in the family to get into a world-renown university, but also because it means that my hard work wasn't enough. Compromising my mental health for seven years will have amounted to nothing. I'm never going to get out of my house.

But that aside, the closing days of school were wonderful. Nostalgic and tear-jerking, but wonderful. Practising for our leavers song was hilariously funny, my friend Junaid making up some lovable actions while we screamed out Mr Blue Sky. I found myself volunteering for Sixth Form Entertainment - which is a section that our students run on Leavers Day. This involved writing a comical Teacher's Sketch with a whole group of people adding jokes and frankly quite biting yet hilarious insults (all in good humour) to the school and the teaching body. I acted in it, too - as my incredible Pastoral Head!

Our penultimate day at school, we all wore our old secondary school uniforms. We received our fabulous leavers hoodies, and spent much of the day playing rounders in the sun and nervously awaiting the next day.

Leavers Day was enormous. It didn't seem to end - yet it went so quickly! We spent the morning receiving and poring over our yearbooks (which my friend Lauren and I had already had a sneak peek at thanks to being friends with its co-editor, Nathan) - I don't think I sat down to enjoy the free breakfast, I was too busy signing them! I wanted to write so much for each person - there were so many I didn't get the chance to write in but it was such a lovely, fun-filled morning. No-one had broke out into tears yet, but I was close to after reading my messages! My favourite teacher wrote a beautiful, beautiful message - she told me to remember that the sun is alone, but it still shines so brightly. I think I died on the spot.

Next, we went to the Leavers Assembly, in which senior members of staff give out awards to around fifteen students. It has always been such a special assembly, and growing up through the school I fantasised about being one of those prolific and outstanding people going onstage to get a trophy. The teachers read out a speech about each student before presenting the award, and it is always the greatest fun guessing who has received it.

So many of my friends got up there, smiling proudly and brilliantly under the bright lights. At each friend of mine who went up, I felt happier - Rosanna for her incredible music, my best friend Heath for their inspirational theatrical presence in the school (SO FREAKING PROUD), Junaid for being the literal definition of the school (and will most likely to end up as prime minister) and then....me!

Yes, you heard right, l'il me got an award! It's called the Scheffer Cup, for outstanding contribution to the school's community! I don't think I've ever been that proud in my life. All that hard work, all that effort I put into giving back to the school - it felt recognised! I didn't realise til the very end of the speech that it was me, and teachers that I'm very close with told me afterwards that they were ecstatic watching the realisation spread on my face. I felt a little otherworldly as I went up and received it, and sat down next to my beaming friends. Then, even better - my friends Harriet and Zainäb got awards too (unbelievably proud of both of those gems)! We were absolutely over the moon - so happy that we swarmed to the front of the stage for our leaver's song. I didn't cry, I simply enjoyed it.

The rest of it was sixth form entertainment, as well as the presenting of some more informal awards - Zainäb and I presented flowers to our sixth form heads. When it was finally all over, I hugged my friends hard, and looked around the hall. So many memories. But it felt right; as if this had been a platform in my life - that the train was now tooting its whistle, and it was time for me to go...on.

True, we were back there not many days later to do our exams, but let's not dwell on those (shudders). And of course, we had prom! Prom was AMAZING. First off, my mum and dad finally let me go round my friend Bex's house for pre-drinks. I didn't drink, obviously. The best part is though, she is so wonderful and understanding that she made sure my mum didn't find out that there were boys there too (I would've been in for it). I had such a lovely, sunny time with my friends, taking photos and getting nostalgic.

Once we got there, it was table-jumping time. I wanted to see everyone. Tell them how freaking beautiful they looked. I witnessed some drunk friends for the first time! What an experience! We took so many photos, there was halal food (I know, I was shocked too), and dancing! That's probably my first and last time on a dance floor. I don't even know how to dance. But I was there with all of my friends and it felt SO AMAZING. Music, laughter, friends, what more could one ask for?

Friends. That brings me on to another ending. Everyone has literally gone their separate ways now. It saddens me, that things will never be like they were before, but again - it's right. Change is imminent. I've always had a friendship complex - a difficulty to bond deeply with people, so it feels like a vein is being severed from my heart. The prospect of being in a new place, having to meet new people and be myself around them when they don't know me that well - it seems daunting and exhausting and downright hard. I know that my true friendships will not be ending - I know that, but distance is a thing and going different ways seems like it will only make things harder. Our lives won't cross now, not as frequently by any means. That's scary.

Because of school ending, I've also finished counselling! Four years down the line from when I first started, I know that I've come a pretty long way. I'm definitely not anywhere near great yet, maybe not even okay, but my incredible counsellor helped me find my way and talk back to the voices in my head instead of just listening and believing them. It was a huge step - especially since I don't feel like I've had enough, and my counsellor knows exceptionally well that I'm dreading having to start again and explain my entire life story to a new person. It feels like picking at old scabs, making them bleed again - it's hard enough that I'm trying to deal with painful memories, but now I have to talk about them again and that's just not what I want. I've done it once, I don't feel like I can do it again. This is possibly the hardest ending of them all.

But this summer has been promising so far. I think you're about to see a positive (!) Memoona - one who is going to bring you some quality (if not quantity) blogging content in these next few months. I want to build on these endings, and make some new beginnings. It's time to reach out into the world. No more safety bubble. My next post is going to be my summer checklist. I hope you'll come back and read it!

Well done for reading that monster of a post! I'm so talkative in person that it kind of leaks through to my writing. I can't write anything without making it dramatic or at least giving it some good colourful detail.

Thank you, I hope you're doing good, wherever you are!

Love,

SS xx

Some photos from this post (c) My friends Junaid, Zainäb and Harriet, as well as my school!

Hi everyone!

So I thought I would write today about a wonderful experience I've had over the last few days! If you know me from school, or follow me on Twitter (@singingsonnet), you will probably know that I am very passionate about human rights, and my ultimate goal in life is to do the best that I can (how...I haven't figured that out completely yet) to help those whose human rights are being grossly abused. I have co-chaired our school Amnesteam over the last year, and it has been great fun! It's brilliant to organise something you truly love doing and pass it on to other people.

Well, we were invited to go to the Amnesty International UK Section's national conference and AGM in Swansea this weekend! It took a lot of planning, some people sadly couldn't make it (in the end it was just me and my skydiving bestie Noama) and there was a whole issue with transport but in the end, we made it to the conference, and let me tell you, it was one of the best weekends ever!

The conference was held at the Swansea University Bay Campus, overlooking the beautiful Swansea bay, and it was jam-packed with events, talks, panels, workshops, art and stalls, all of which completely gave me a whole new level of inspiration to continue fighting for human rights.

We went to a couple of meetings on the Saturday morning, after a long car journey, and this is where we met some other wonderful youth activists, as well as our lovely youth co-ordinator Anne! We oohed and aahed over everyone's respective achievements in their campaigns, and I especially loved looking through the AMAZING scrapbook my new friend Surrayia had made of her school's Amnesty events. After the youth meetings, we grabbed some lunch (would you believe it - THERE WAS HALAL FOOD) and pottered around the beautifully decorated Action Centre, where the stalls, multimedia pieces and information desks were situated. We grabbed way too many free t-shirts and badges, as well as lots of informative material for many of Amnesty's different campaigns. My favourite t-shirt has got to be the 'Save the human rights act' one!

After lunch, we went to the great hall, where we were welcomed to the conference by the AGM Chair, Alex. I had a bit of a fangirl moment when he introduced the incredible Salil Shetty - Secretary-General of Amnesty International. Salil spoke of the deterioration of human rights worldwide in an emotive, passionate speech. He then talked about what Amnesty had achieved in his eight years as Secretary-General, and truly, Amnesty has become a global movement, not just situated in London. He ended the speech with a message of hope, lighting the Amnesty candle to rapturous applause. We then heard speeches from the Director of AIUK, the Chair of the Board of Directors of AIUK, the Treasurer, and from some other brilliant leaders of Amnesty's campaigns. We were then sent to our first round of workshops!

Copyright: Salil Shetty Twitter

Noama and I went to a workshop to learn about how we can be a bigger force in our communities. Here, we learned some invaluable ways to engage more with the community, and gain a wider following. We talked about different points of contact, and how we can connect with other Amnesty groups to make a bigger impact. This was so so useful, and I wish I'd gone a year earlier so we could've made our Amnesteam even better this year!

After that, we had a little tea and coffee break, after which we were in the great hall again for the BRAVE women panel. This had to be one of the highlights of my weekend: we heard from four incredible women advocating for campaigns against online abuse, against abortion laws in Northern Ireland and against the Polish government's complete disregard for women's rights. Their speeches were passionate, informative, and frankly incredible - I particularly enjoyed Seyi Akiwowo's speech about her experiences with online abuse and how we can counter it. The audience were reactive to emotive points in the panel's speeches, cheering when Breedagh Hughes, Chair of the Royal College of Midwives, said with bracing strength that 'I resent the hijacking of the term pro-life. Anti-abortion activists are not pro-life, they are pro-birth. If you take nothing else from today, never use ‘pro-life’ to refer to them again.' What made the experience even more amazing (if possible) was the fact that I dredged up the courage to ask the very last question! I asked the panel what their thoughts were about how women's rights were taboo in many countries: they responded with the affirmation that it is not going to work if Western feminists go over to these countries and try and 'teach' women; we will have to help women in their own environments stand up and organise their own movements, relative to their own struggles. After the panel, I saw my friend Emily, who led our school Amnesty society a couple of years ago and inspired my passion for human rights! She said that she was really proud of me and it was just absolutely amazing to see her again - Amnesty is her heart and soul and I'm so in awe of her!

My second workshop, I parted ways from Noama and Surrayia (who went to learn all about Amnesty's campaign against the death penalty) and went to another panel - about the illegal Israeli settlements on Palestinian territory. This panel was equally amazing as the last, and again, I ended up asking the last question! I asked about how the UK's decision to leave the EU (therefore losing the European Convention of Human Rights) would affect its accountability in its failure to uphold international law. The answer to this was that yes, the UK will become less responsible for its actions, since it now does not have the ECHR enshrined in its law, or the EU as a monitoring body, which is deeply worrying.

After that, we had our long dinner break! Before we got food however, Noama, Surrayia and I decided to go visit the beach during the sunset! The beach in Swansea bay is absolutely breathtaking. The only beach I've ever been to is Clifton in Karachi, none in the UK so this was huge for me! We took lots of aesthetic photos and it was a lovely evening!

Following dinner, Noama and I took off to our hotel room - we were both extremely tired but also high on adrenaline so we ended up doing a solid 20 minutes of English revision, Noama vlogged, we showed each other what we'd got at the Action Centre and we ended the night snuggling up in bed, watching the new episode of Once Upon A Time. It was perfect.

Five hours of sleep later, we got ready for the second and final day, having breakfast at the hotel and then going back up to the university. There, we witnessed the Good News section: people from Amnesty groups as well as the leading networks went up on stage and told us some good news about events or campaigns they were running. It was so lovely to see such a wonderful outpouring of love from the entire audience! Then, we witnessed the Marsh awards, in which three £500 prizes were awarded to local/student/youth groups who had done extraordinary things in the last year! Following this, we watched the Board of Directors of AIUK do a Q and A, which got only a tiny bit heated but was really interesting as it focused on the logistics of how Amnesty, the organisation, is run.

Following this, all of the youth and student delegates went down to the beach with some amazing placards and signs for a whole host of team photos with our youth co-ordinator, Anne! It was a lovely, bright day and the sky was so blue...it was a great backdrop for human rights activists from all over the UK to come together, laugh in the sand and take some brilliant mid-air photos. I had some photos with Emily as well, and then finally, it was time to say goodbye to the conference!

Noama and I were sad to go, but we were also knackered, and we were glad to go into Swansea city centre that afternoon and grab some Domino's pizza, walking over to the sea front and eating with the best view ever: Swansea bay. We went on a trek to try and find a tourist shop to satisfy my postcard and Noama's keyring needs, but we couldn't find one! We were animated on the drive back (surprisingly), debating for at least 45 minutes about which photos we'd post.

The weekend surpassed all of my expectations, and my thanks go to everyone at AIUK who organised this fabulous event, and to everyone who spoke, or did workshops, or even manned the impressive tech during the event! Anne and Laura were the Amnesty staff who we checked in with, and they were both absolutely lovely! I came out of the conference feeling empowered, ready to take on the world and with some amazing new friends. I can't wait to do this 24/7.

I hope you enjoyed my rambling! See you very soon, for a tag which I'm very excited about doing!

Love,

SS xx

Hi everyone!

So I've been involved in a few charity events now, and organised a couple as well, and I thought I should share my advice on how to go about holding an event at your school! Of course, I am in no way an expert on fundraising, but my passion in life is charity work so I want to share that with you guys! Without further ado, here are my top ten tips on how to organise a charity event.

1. Start planning and preparation at least two months in advance. A lovely thick planner is your best friend. Make lists, jot anything down that you think will be useful later. Leave reminders on your phone for key times. If you're not on top of your organisation, your charity event will be stressful and chaotic - something you don't want to endure during something that's meant to be emitting positive vibes.

2. Make sure you're not doing it by yourself. I recently ran a charity day with a whole group of my friends: people who were also passionate about the cause we were raising money for. The entire team pitched in (and some people who weren't even on the team!), supporting each other and the event very successfully! It's hard to develop that group dynamic, especially when you want everything to go your own way (I'm still learning to let go of this) but you learn to listen to others' advice and also delegate jobs. Which leads me on to my next tip.

3. Enlist as much help as possible! You can never have too many hands - and honestly it takes so much pressure off, knowing things will get done quickly and efficiently. It's also more fun the more people you have on board, so ask all of your friends to give up some time on the day and help out! We had a cake sale on our charity day a few days ago, and plenty of people helped out with putting posters up and carrying cakes to and fro - we sent out an email asking for cake donations and we got quite a few that way!

4. Contact the charity. Most charities have plenty of advice and ideas that you can take inspiration from - I've most certainly used Together for Short Lives' fundraising guide many a time! You can also contact the charity that you're supporting and they will more often that not send you promotional material such as collection boxes and posters, which can really help you out on the financial front!

5. Spread the word! One of the best ways to gain publicity and raise awareness for your event is to spread the message as wide as possible. Use social media. Ask for permission to put up some eye-catching posters. Ask your friends to tell their friends! Maybe you can get your parent/guardian/friend to put a poster up at their workplace? Set up a fundraising page so that people can donate online as well as on the day! The possibilities are endless. The wider the reach you get, the more people that will hear your message and will possibly donate to the cause. Keep in mind that the main goals are to get people involved, have fun (after all, it is FUNdraising) and raise money.

6. Keep on top of your budget. Don't let a single penny go unaccounted for, because that is a penny that could be going towards your charity. In all seriousness, finances are slippery things to deal with (as I've learnt) and it is always good to be in the know of what's going in and out of your budget.

7. Have a timetable, but don't get stressed if you stray from it. Timetables are guidelines - stick to what you know has to be done but also leave some wiggle room for anything unexpected. This way you won't panic massively is something goes wrong or you need more time than expected to do something.

8. When coming up with ideas for the event itself, keep in mind who your target audience are and what appeals to them. For example, having a coffee morning event is not necessarily going to appeal to school children; it might appeal to the staff at your school though. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that it will be fun for those involved - you could perhaps do a small survey or ask around for opinions before going ahead.

9. Document the day! Take lots and lots of photos of people enjoying your memorable event - you can give the photos to the charity you are supporting, who will be very happy to have them! If you're lucky, they might end up publishing your photo in their next fundraising review/guide and ask you to write a short article for them (this happened to my friend Noama and I!)! All of this shows how passionate you are about the cause, and it gives the same idea to more and more people. My lovely friend Zainäb took plenty of beautiful photos on our recent charity day - we'd already decided she was going to be designated photographer! We haven't got the photos yet, so I'm using the ones that I took myself (and some from previous events I've been involved in), but for sure as soon as they arrive I will do a post telling you all about it and featuring her photography! It is such a brilliant way to remember your event.

10. Take some time for yourself! Perhaps the most important point on the list, taking time for yourself while organising a large scale event can be hard, especially when you want to be in charge of every single little detail and keep that lovely thick planner busy. However, you have to remember that it's not just you running the show - so many people want to help you, and you should let them! Sure, it is important to sort out the finer details but doing so free of stress is much easier than having a hundred million things going on in your head at one time. Those lists that you made in your planner? Give each person in your team a bullet point to do so you're not going through that mental checklist. Take breaks. Even on the day, the event doesn't need you to be hovering here and there the entire time. You are allowed to take some me time after all that organisation. Remember, you organised this originally for you to have fun while raising money - that's what it's all about.

So I hope you guys enjoyed this long, wordy post, and that it's helped or given some ideas to some of you! Fundraising is one of my favourite things to do - I've been involved with quite a few events now, and all of them with Noama, a very close friend of mine! We're such veterans now (we like to think so) and I don't think we'll ever stop doing amazing things like skydiving for charity and campaigning for human rights together!

Love,

SS xx

Well hey there!

Long time no see! In all truth, I've no idea what's been happening for the last few months - it has been THAT hectic. But the good news is, it's half term (let's ignore the fact that I have literal piles of work I need to do) and I think I deserve a break!

Way back in November, my friend Heather and I got to talking about what the perfect birthday present for our friend Jess would be. Jess and I have practically worshipped the ground that Lady Gaga walks on since we were both young'uns. So naturally (but joking in all aspects) I suggested going to see her live would be something else entirely for Jess (and myself) and...Heather loved the idea so much that she booked the tickets straight away. Now, as you can tell, I was beyond myself with excitement - I've never been to a concert before, and for my first one to be Lady Gaga...this was big. We vowed not to tell Jess until her birthday (only 4 days before the actual thing). This happened on Friday. We wound up telling her in an excited frenzy the following Monday.

We made t-shirts with some snazzy stencils, and planned our outfits much in advance....

So, we ended up in Birmingham on the 31st of January! We went up there on the train and spent some time messing around in Claire's where I bought a (unbeknownst to us then) glow-in-the-dark tiara (because why not?). We then went to Bella Italia to have some dreamy pizza, after which we set off to the Arena excitedly! Birmingham is such a lovely city, and the city centre is beautiful and vibrant. We didn't get lost once (Jess was in charge of directions) and suddenly we were in the queue for LADY GAGA.

We glittered up while we were there, and then we were inside the building, walking down a flight of stairs into the biggest room I've ever been in. We had standing tickets, and we'd come really early to get up and close, so we sat down for a while, made some new friends, watched Gaga: Five Foot Two on the big screens, and got progressively more and more excited.

By the time the show began, we were in a sea of colourful, amazing Little Monsters and the whole arena was bursting with excitement. The countdown got the noise going, and then there she was - my musical inspiration - about 20 metres away from us.

She sang beautifully. Every song she nailed to perfection - and for two hours nonstop, she danced. She danced and danced and the energy in her music and the crowd was overwhelmingly beautiful! Whilst every song was incredible, the moments that stick in my mind are the ones that got the crowd the most involved - Scheisse, Born this way (naturally), Edge of Glory (which she did acoustically and made me cry), and Joanne. Joanne was possibly my favourite, as she asked us, the crowd, to take ourselves back to that place of pain and support each other. All three of us held hands, and we cried, and we thought about what we've each gone through individually and we sang along to the beautiful, heartbreaking words. In that moment I felt very much loved.

Music is spiritual for me - I may not have much knowledge of it but it really speaks to me in a way that nothing else does. To see someone who I connect with so much live, onstage, was a completely surreal experience. What was even greater than that was the fact that I was there with my two best friends, who have stuck with me through highs and lows for 7 years. I have so much love for them.

And now of course - the tour was called off only one date later, because Lady Gaga had finally succumbed to the severe pain caused by her fibromyalgia. The fact that she went on so long suffering yet still performing is testament to how much her fans and her music means to her, and I can't thank her enough for inspiring me. I hope to God that she recovers soon and takes a well-deserved break. We all love her and wish her the best.

Thank you for reading this slightly jumbled post! If you want to see some top quality vlogging of this day, then head on over here to see my vlog!

Love,

SS xx

Hey everyone!

So today I thought I would share some of my favourite lip products! I am practically useless when it comes to make-up, but I do have an obsession with lip products and I can't help stockpiling them! This list has been compiled after careful research :)

medora Matte Lipstick in shade 210 - Hint of Pink

I've been using this lipstick a lot recently! It actually belongs to my mum and come to think of it, is pretty ancient (you guys are loving this already) - plus you can only buy it in Pakistan unless you get it on eBay, but THAT IS ALL BESIDE THE POINT. This is a gorgeous rich brown colour, and goes perfectly with pretty much everything I wear! As you'll see, I love my dark shades and this one does the job for me perfectly! The only thing I would say is that I probably have to reapply it 2 or 3 times during the day which is a bit of hassle but y'know.

Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick in shade 006 - Heather Shimmer

This is actually a pretty similar colour to the Medora, but with a much more red tone and as the name suggests, it's shimmery! I'm usually not a fan of shimmery lipsticks, but this one makes an exception as it honestly looks beautiful on my lips! It feels really nice as well, and stays on for a very long time!

Revlon Ultra HD Matte Lipcolor in shade Addiction

Oooh, this has got to be one of my faves! I wear this lipstick quite a lot, and it continues to be something I reach for every time I'm going to an occasion/party. Honestly, it's got one of the nicest formulations - it is pretty satisfying putting it on as it feels so lush and indulgent on the lips. The colour is gorgeous: it stays for a long time, and leaves a smooth matte finish, which I think is very classy and worth the £6.50.

Barry M Lip Liner in shade 2 - Dark Pink

I use this lip liner with my revlon ultra hd matte lipcolor, and the shades are a perfect match! I love how easy Barry M lip liners are to use - they go on so nicely and are such good price value.

Revlon Super Lustrous Matte Lipstick in shade 009 - Fabulous Fig

This colour is similar to the Rimmel Heather Shimmer, but a slightly deeper red and has a creamier formulation. I love this lipstick - it's one of the ones I use very often as I wear a lot of red. I would love it even more if it would stay on a little longer than it does, but all in all it is a great, versatile lipstick that would add a pop of colour to a plain outfit!

NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in shade 19 - Cannes

Can you see the red theme here? This is one of the lipsticks I swear by - I love how deep the colour is on my lips, and how nice it feels on my lips too! The colour lasts pretty well and it actually makes my lips look fuller which is always a bonus! I would just say that on my bad lip days (yup, I have them), this is not one I would use as it tends to dry up a little bit.

L'oreal L'Extraodinaire Lip Gloss in shade 304 - Ruby Opera

Oh. My. God. I am in love with this lip gloss. It's probably my favourite of the lot - although I'm a bit scared to actually try it out in public because it is venturing a little out of my comfort zone. But guys, this colour! It is so lovely to apply, stays on for absolutely ages and maintains this beautiful glossy shimmer. Probably not for the folks who don't like a wet look lip, but it settles after a bit and is just gorgeous.

W7 Lip Twister in shade Rioja

I picked this up a little while ago at the Beauty Outlet, and I'm so impressed with it! I got quite a few shades, but this is definitely my favourite as it goes very nicely with a lot of my brown/red shades and is great value for money!

Kiko Pencil Lip Gloss in shade 12 - Wine Red

Kiko is one of my favourite brands for eyeliner, but I discovered their pencil lip glosses and fell in love with those also! This shimmery purple shade doubles as a great lip liner as well, and stays on for a good amount of time. This is another colour that is very versatile, and definitely a bargain I would highly recommend! As you can see, I've pretty much used it all up!

Avon Lip Stix in shade Plum

This is one of my favourite lipsticks to wear! It feels really nice and soft on the lips, and the purple is really pigmented! I line it with some Primark lip liner and it lasts the whole day! The colour is also really pretty!

I've actually recently bought some darker, winter shades, which I think I'll review in the new year as I'm currently dead set on my reds! I'm going to Pakistan for a wedding in about a week and a half, and let's not lie, I'm not gonna be using my dark purples all that much! Weddings are all about the reds and browns, people. You never know though, purple is my favourite colour to wear on my lips, so we'll see...

I'm planning to post a what's in my cabin bag for you guys a bit closer to my trip, so watch out for that!

I hope you've enjoyed this post, and see you guys very soon!

Love, SS xx

Hi everyone!

So long-term readers may be familiar with the fact that I love sharing what I'm listening to with you! I've been listening to some amazing stuff this last month, so without further ado, here is my November Jukebox! Remember to check it out on my Youtube, I've made a playlist of all of them here!

selena gomez - only you

Okay, I'll admit it now, a few of these songs are from the Thirteen Reasons Why soundtrack - rest assured that I don't want to push you into watching the show, I'm just a very big fan of the musical production of it. So! I first heard the electro-wonderful, upbeat Yazoo version of this song on Once Upon A Time (one of my fave shows) and I fell in love with it! Selena Gomez's version, however, presents the song in a much more somber and stripped back way, which I adore. The arrangement is beautiful and I love the layering of the guitar and the piano! The lyrics are so simplistic and beautiful and just channel everything about the beauty and hardship of love.

Selena Gomez - kill 'em with kindness (acoustic)

This song is much like the first, in that Selena Gomez's voice is so well-suited for it and puts a lot of passion into some hard-hitting lyrics. Again, I'm enjoying her ability to strip back upbeat songs and give them a deeper message. In this song, only the piano accompanies her but it does so beautifully, providing lots of dynamic and melding incredibly with her voice. I'm a particular fan of the opening to the second verse which takes us down to some low octaves. I'm all for those low octaves.

lord huron - the night we met

The final Thirteen Reasons Why song I promise! This is probably the most iconic song of the entire soundtrack, in that it was used extensively throughout the dance episode and encapsulates Clay's longing perfectly. Lyrically, this song is amazing! 'I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.' Pure genius! Someone teach me how to write songs as great as this please. I love the lone guitar at the start, but I equally love the burst of life the song gains when all of the other instruments come in! Absolutely beautiful, perfect to dance to.

zayn ft sia - dusk till dawn

Wow wow wow wow. Two incredible vocalists on one song? I'm down! This song is a work of art. Honestly, both Zayn Malik and Sia are eerily pitch-perfect, and I'm in awe of that long, wailing high note Zayn sings at the end of the bridge. How is that even possible? This song is another example of my love for dynamic songs: songs that have quiet, emotional sections as well as big, passionate sections. The chorus is just amazing - especially that missed beat before the guitars come in!

sam smith - lay me down

Um, do I really need to comment? I'm in love. Absolutely in awe of Sam Smith's voice, the emotional nature of these lyrics, and just how much I love music.

bon jovi - always

This is a bit of a tangent from my usual playlist, but I heard it on the radio and fell in love with it! The music video is a little bit weird, but the VOCALS on this song! I'll be honest, the only lyrics I probably listen to are the pre-chorus and the chorus because the rest of time, I'm just listening to Jon Bon Jovi's incredible voice.

imagine dragons - believer

My friend Jess and I ADORE this song. We still can't sing a lot of the lyrics, but she loves dancing to it and so do I (although my dancing is mostly me just swinging my limbs around)! I love the tension - it oozes out of this song, and releases itself in the chorus, which is INSANE. So wonderfully crafted and I love the introduction of the electric guitar in the middle of it, it gives it such a wonderful quality.

5sos - wherever you are

So I'm a huge 5SOS fan. It's true. I love them, and every song they produce, but this month I've been listening to Wherever You Are a lot! I love the buildup to the chorus and the beautiful guitar pattern that persists throughout the song. All of the 5SOS guys have great vocals on this song, I'm especially a fan of Michael's on-point harmonies.

gotye ft kimbra - somebody that i used to know

I first heard this song on Glee about four years ago, and I LOVED IT THEN, and I LOVE IT NOW. I think I actually prefer the original to the Glee version (GASP), which don't get me wrong is amazing, but not the same as the emotion and beauty that Gotye and Kimbra pour into it! The chorus is just amazing - this song takes you on a journey both musically and lyrically. The music video is also incredible.

goo goo dolls - iris

This song throws it back a little! I'm not sure I need to say much, because it is just a beautiful song. Nothing I don't adore, except maybe the fact that it is so hard to sing it in any key. Guitars. Perfect. Vocals. Husky. Passionate. Soul. Love.

onerepublic - all we are

I'm going to be doing a cover of this song soon! Actually, I want to cover all of the songs on this playlist so I'm not sure why I'm only saying it for this, but here you go! One of OneRepublic's lesser known works, All We Are makes me wonder whether Ryan Tedder wrote it with me in mind! It's just such a me song - full of dynamics, passion, beautiful lyrics, vocal beauty. I'm just really surprised not many people have heard this song - it is in my opinion one of OneRepublic's greatest. It is stripped back a lot, which is possibly why, but it is still breathtaking, as are Ryan Tedder's ad-libs during the last chorus.

Wow, that was more songs than usual! I couldn't not put any of these songs in this list, I have just been loving them so much! I hope you enjoy listening to them, and that the week is treating you well!

Love, ss xx

hi!

So, you may have noticed (or not, hey) that my site looks very different. And that, ladies and gentleman, is because I decided to jump ship again and revamp my blog completely! What I can say though (for real this time), that I LOVE how my blog looks now, and won’t be changing it any time soon.

Now on to the The Kite Runner!

The Kite Runner is one of my favourite books of all time. It’s by Khalid Hosseini, and documents a lengthy, mess fight with one’s self to feel worthy and do the right thing. I love this book so much that I’ve shaped my English Literature coursework around it, and then – my friend Anna told me that there was a production of it on at my local theatre in November!

It’s safe to say I was pretty ecstatic.

On the 4th of November, Anna and I went to see Matthew Spangler’s West End production of The Kite Runner, and I am going to be completely honest – it was one of the best things I have ever seen.

Movies and TV are great, but I think there’s something about plays. Something magical and real and impossibly possible.

The Kite Runner ticked every one of those boxes.

Spangler put the production together very cleverly. Whereas in the book, the protagonist Amir’s childhood is interwoven into his present, in the play, the first act represented his childhood and the second act his bid for atonement in the present.

I could go on forever listing every single thing I loved about it, but I’ll have to whittle it down otherwise you’ll be here forever!

The music was woven extremely well with the acting. There was an omnipresent tabla player sitting in a little nest on the side of the stage, providing simple yet highly effective dynamics. Other sound effects were these amazing ‘spinny things’ (yup) that created the wind in both the kite scenes as well as tense monologues.

The acting though. David Ahmad played the lead role, and his performance was incredible. Having a family background in the tribal areas between Pakistan and Afghanistan, he had a rich level of culture and Pashtun he brought to the portrayal. His monologues were extraordinary. He successfully and effectively switched between being his child self as well as omniscient narrator, which I really admired. His father in the play was also completely true to his character in the book – tall, stately, imposing.

Despite this being a heartbreaking play, there were some very humorous moments! Comments on what counts as a sin in the grand scheme of things, self-deprecation, as well as fond laughter at seeing Amir’s attempts at wooing Soraya Tahiri under the nose of her father all contributed to building a great family atmosphere.

In The Kite Runner, Amir betrays Hassan, his childhood best friend, the son of his father’s servant, leaving him guilty for the rest of his life. David Ahmad portrayed this very well, in particular emphasising the closeness of his relationship with Hassan with wonderful sequences of them doing things together like claiming to be the Sultans of Kabul.

The set was also very cleverly used! Shaped like towers with a white sheet behind them, different lights and pictures were projected on to them so that they formed the San Francisco skyline, as well as the kite-ridden Kabul sunset. What was really impressive though, were these two screens that were brought down in front of the towers – sometimes just one of them, and sometimes both of them. Pictures were projected on to these also.

My favourite moments of the play, were of course, the most sentimental ones. I loved the scene where Amir sat crying, having not prayed in decades and forgotten how – simply repeating the only words he knew for Sohrab’s life. It was so emotional – it required summoning a lot of pain to sit there and cry and recite. It was beautiful. Another favourite moment of mine was when Amir finally defended Hassan’s (and Sohrab’s) honour – I had held on very well until this point but I lost it there.

Perhaps one of the most iconic lines of the play paralleled beautifully in the first act and the second act. The first time, the air was pregnant with the knowledge of Amir’s betrayal so there was a hum in the audience – one in which everyone knew that although Hassan said ‘For you, a thousand times over’, Amir would not do the same.

The audience were right – but only partly. Amir went back to Kabul decades later, and saved what was left of his half-brother, and when he said ‘For you, a thousand times over’ to Sohrab at the very end, we were in tears. He had finally redeemed himself.

Well there you go. A lengthy review of one of the best pieces of art I have had the honour of witnessing. I came out feeling completely shattered and blown away by how heartbreaking and how extraordinary it was. I would thoroughly recommend that you try and see it if you're in the U.K. – the company is playing all over the country!

Please give me some feedback on this post, I would really appreciate it! Another note, all of the photos in this post are copyrighted to Matthew Spangler’s company.

See you soon lovelies!

Love, ss xx

So after the bundle of sunshine which was my last post, I thought it would be nice to treat you guys to something a little bit nicer.

I don't watch a lot of TV, so the shows I do watch, I am obsessed with. And I don't mean obsessed as in binge-watching, living, breathing obsessed. I mean the kind of obsessed where you know literally everything about it, you think about it, you steal creative ideas from it etc. etc.

My taste is unique, I'll accept that - I definitely need to broaden my horizons and watch darker, perhaps more action-packed shows. People have suggested things like The Flash and Sherlock and other great shows for me to watch, but me being the lazy, procrastinating slob I am, I never get round to starting them!

Without further ado, here are my top 5 favourite TV shows!

5. The Fosters

The Fosters is brilliant! A show about the Adams-Foster family (cleverly called The Fosters because most of Lena and Stef's kids have been adopted from the foster system), it tackles really current issues in enlightening ways. It doesn't just go, bam, an episode about being transgender. No, it tackles the real issues transgender people have to go through such as people not knowing what questions they'll be comfortable answering. Although the kids make really stupid decisions sometimes (honestly it makes me want to scream at the screen), they all have a lot of substance in their characters which make it a really layered and effective show for action and relationships to dictate.

4. Shadowhunters

I wish I could put this higher up on the list, but this is relatively newer to me so I can't put it above my old favourites! Shadowhunters is a very aesthetically pleasing show - the sets are breathtaking (and so are the actors). I haven't actually read the Mortal Instruments, but Shadowhunters keeps you hanging off the edge of your seat - it has everything a teenager could ask for: romance, action, magic and a few demons here and there. My favourite part of the show is undoubtedly the relationship between Magnus and Alec which is such an important relationship to be on television - plus it's just too damn cute and gets you right in the heart. I feel like Shadowhunters addresses current issues of inequality also, in a more subtle way than the Fosters does.

3. Once Upon A Time

The top 3 are all shows which I adore. It was so difficult putting them in an order because I absolutely love all of them for different reasons, but I had to do it, and I can't believe Once is at number 3 but it is what it is! This show is like the epitome of me. It's about the fairytale characters you thought didn't exist; living in a real world town called Storybrooke. The main character, Emma Swan, is an incredible role model - she is at first really guarded and unable to believe in herself, but with her friends and family by her side, she soon begins to open herself up and become the person she's always wanted to be. The show's constant message is to never lose hope, which as I'm sure you'll all know by now, is one of my mantras. Honourable mention to my second favourite character, Captain Hook, who is just too good for this world. I'm excited for the prospect of Season 7, but it definitely won't be the same without a lot of the main cast.

2. The O.C.

You don't know me if you don't know I am a goner for The O.C. If it isn't my incessant caps lock tweets about it, then it's my mentioning of it wherever I go. The O.C. is television gold. When you look at it from the outside, it's nothing special: a drama about two families and their teenage children living in a very artificial, high-class city, but my friends, The O.C. is much, much more than that. With The O.C., you get everything. For one, it opens up how much turmoil teenagers go through with their relationships, the urge to fit in, loneliness. There is so much substance in this show. It makes you laugh, cry (bucketloads) - it really plays on your heartstrings, because these are normal people just trying to navigate life. The script is the best out of any show I've ever seen. It's amazing! The emotion - the sheer emotion that the cast could successfully portray was insane. It's the kind that makes you feel it too. Seth is my favourite character for a myriad of reasons: how weird he is, his hilarious sarcasm, and his loyalty. Although the show's main protagonist is Ryan, it is arguably Seth who is the most layered and lovable character.

1. Glee

There was never any doubt what would top the list. Glee was the first big show I watched, and there must be something about firsts because this show is going to stay in my heart forever. I grew up with Glee - connected immensely with it. The show saw me through a rather rocky period of transition in my life just because of how incredibly endearing it is. Glee encourages everyone to be yourself, no matter what anyone says, and this is such a valuable message. This show also speaks volumes to me because it is musical; it's about a high school Glee club and all of the characters sing about their emotions - something that touches me and has inspired me to do the same. Music is an escape for most of the characters, and I love Glee because it is one of the only shows that glorifies the beauty of music. Every single character has their flaws, but another value Glee pushes is friendship; having each other's backs. The Glee club unites members of the high school who would never normally be seen together - jocks, cheerleaders, nerds, theatre artists, everyone. It is a family, and I am so honoured I was able to live in that family. This was why it felt like I had lost a limb when I found out that main male lead Cory Monteith had died. The show dealt with it beautifully, musically, and honestly it was so difficult to watch because I really connected with his character, Finn Hudson. My favourite character is undoubtedly the inspirational main female lead (and Cory's girlfriend on and off screen) Rachel Berry. She reminds me a lot of myself. Her arc takes her from having no friends to having a family who would walk through fire for her. Watching the last few episodes made me incredibly emotional - this show has given me hope when I've needed it, it has given me confidence and love and I couldn't believe it was ending. I still can't believe it has. When I don't have a show to watch, I dive straight back into Glee because I'll never get tired of it. Tackling every single issue you can think of, Glee was enlightening for teenagers all over the world. With the humour, the tears, the music - we're all grateful for how it has affected our lives. If you watch any show in your lifetime, this has got to be it. It'll change you.

Phew, I'll bet you fell asleep at some point! I told you I'm obsessed.

Thanks for reading, and honestly, it's been brilliant to see so many more visitors on my new site than I was getting on my old blog! Please keep tuned for more - I'm quite busy with applying for university right now, but I have posts in the works!

Love, SS xx

Disclaimer: if you're allergic to dramatic writing and think I'm glorifying bad mental health by posting this, don't read. This is an honest account of my ongoing battle with depression, written in a way that I think conveys my feelings better than just stating them. My experience will be different from everybody else's, but as I respect your experience, please respect mine.

Do you ever feel like an island?

In the middle of the ocean. So alone that you begin to wonder whether you were ever part of the mainland at all.

You're so out of control.

You've always been on the outside. No-one cut you off, you did that yourself. You didn't know how detrimental and destructive that was until you were floating away from that mainland - unable to rejoin even if you wanted to.

Poor mental health can make you feel completely isolated from everything and everyone around you. Science has proven that loneliness creates a deep psychological wound. One that makes you afraid to reach out and distorts your perception of surroundings and people. Loneliness doesn't just make you miserable, as Dr Guy Winch states, it kills you.

You build up these walls that are impossible for even you to climb, and then you just get hurt when you try to time and time again.

You thought you could rejoin that mainland by building bridges.

So as you grew in understanding and maturity, you tried building some bridges along the way. You put your entire life on the line in a bid to make that selfish connection (do you even care about other people?). All you care about - all you've ever wanted - is just to mean something to someone. You are selfish. You are needy. And maybe this was why those bridges always got washed away by the angry sea - or crumbled as you didn't have enough substance to cross the mighty distance. But you did care! You always have! It's your fatal flaw - you care too much! You don't understand - it goes wrong time and time and time again and you don't know what to do.

Things on your island have started to decay.

It's one thing being stuck in the past, but when you don't think very brightly about your future, you start withering up inside. It's too scary to plant new seeds or start a new bridge on your island now. You've learnt your lesson too many times.

It gets even scarier when you know that in theory, you have to keep trying. You have to keep hoping, even if you're certain that you'll shatter yourself every time.

But then you get to a point where you're just too tired to keep trying. You're exhausted. You hope that one day, someone's gonna build a bridge to your island so strong that it will make your island blossom again. Trees will grow again. Life will flourish again. You will have a door to the outside world. You won't be so bitterly alone with your terrible thoughts and the horrible voices in your head anymore.

You crave that connection. You ache for it. The type of person who will look at you and see past all of the decay and barriers and pain. Who will tell you that no, you're not an island - you are much much more than that. Who will pick you up and let you pick them up and meet halfway instead of falling in the abyss in the middle.

And it hurts, hoping for this, because some part of you knows that it's too much to ask. It's too convenient that someone will come along and see you in that way. It's too unrealistic. Because you are just an island. Although some people say you are special, you know you are not - because if you were, wouldn't you be able to cross those waves? That's what the voices drum into your head every minute of every day.

But you still hope. Because hope is the only thing you have. You are decaying but you are not dead - and this fuels your fight because no matter how much you do want the excruciating battle to end, you want to win the war. You will keep going. You will make it through the sleepless nights and the ache and you will wake up tomorrow. You will battle each day. You do not know how long this war will last, but you do know that you can't lose hope.

In the darkest times, when you can't see a way forward - when you are trapped and you're choking and it's all too much - hope still lives. It's there inside of you, the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been an island for most of my 17 years. I started realising about 5 years ago. I hope one day I can make it over the ocean of my depression.

Love, SS xx

Cheesecake is one of my favourite desserts. So naturally, whenever I get an opportunity to make it, I take it. However, this time, I took a little spin on the big, classic cheesecake and decided to divide it into portions to serve to my guests in wine glasses which would look so much cuter and sophisticated!

So, if you would rather make a big, round cheesecake, follow the same recipe and just assemble it in a flan dish instead!

For the initial steps, you will need:

8-12 small wine glasses250g digestive biscuits, crushed finely100g butter, melted

1. Pour the melted butter on to the crushed digestive biscuits and mix using a wooden spoon. Try to avoid big clumps of butter and combine evenly.

2. Divide the biscuit mixture evenly between your glasses. I didn't have enough glasses so I used some bowls as well!

3. With a teaspoon, smooth the biscuit layer down evenly. Don't worry about this being too neat, you just need to make sure that the sides are nice and firm.

4. Leave in the fridge to cool and set for 1 hour.

For the cream cheese mixture, you will need:

600g cream/soft cheese100g icing sugarA 284ml pot of double cream1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence

5. For the cream cheese mixture, combine the cream cheese with the icing sugar and vanilla essence with an electric mixer until smooth.

6. Add the double cream, and again, mix with the electric mixer until well-combined.

7. Spoon the cream cheese mixture on top of the chilled biscuit bases. Don't worry about getting the sides messy because I have a way of sorting that later!

8. Use a teaspoon to smooth down the mixture, making sure not to leave any bubbles of air in the sides.

9. With your index finger under a baby wipe, run it along the inside walls of each glass to clear them up.

10. Leave to chill in the fridge overnight.

For the strawberry sauce, you will need:

100g fresh strawberriesgranulated sugar1/2 cup water

11. Cook the strawberries, sugar and water in a small saucepan, then leave to cool

12. Sieve the strawberry mixture, using a spoon to mash the pulp and collect the sauce in a bowl.

13. Leave to cool in the fridge overnight.

For decoration you will need:

1 heaped tbsp icing sugarFresh berries (I used sliced strawberries, blackberries and blueberries)

14. Spoon the strawberry sauce on top of each portion.

15. Top with fresh berries and a dust of icing sugar to serve! Note: only add the icing sugar when you are about to serve otherwise it will be absorbed.

I hope you enjoy making these delicious summer cheesecakes!

Love, SS xx

x

One thing I used to do quite often on my old blog was introduce you guys to my music! Now, I'm very aware that I'm an uncultured swine and am too scared of venturing into a more refined taste, but I do believe that I've got a connection with every song I put on these lists - I think that's justification enough!

So, without further ado, this is my July Jukebox! I've made a playlist for all of these songs on my YouTube channel so head on over here to check it out!

Despacito - Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee and Justin Bieber

There is something about this song. It would be an injustice to say it was just 'catchy'. If a song gets me to groove out my brilliant dance moves, it's a winner. I've just played it while I was doing the ironing and it's safe to say I suffered multiple burns.

Turning Tables - Adele

This song is so heartbreakingly beautiful! Adele's voice is absolutely faultless - it leaves me trying to make my voice all raspy so that I can sound like her. The meaning of the lyrics also gets me really hard in the heart.

Brother - Kodaline

If you know me, you know that Kodaline, alongside Queen, are my favourite band ever. Every single song that they write is INCREDIBLE. And this is no exception. Also, once you watch the video, SHARE MY TEARS. This is not okay. This song is not okay. It's too sad. But I'm in love.

Sunset Jesus - Avicii

Going from a heartbreaker to a complete soulshaker (hehe), Avicii is another one of my favourite artists. Sunset Jesus is the perfect feel-good dance hit that actually has some layer to the lyrics (SHOCK). The bass drops are tear-jerkingly good.

Hey Girl - Lady Gaga ft. Florence Welch

If I could put all of Lady Gaga's most recent album (and my new absolute favourite) Joanne on here, I would. But I had to pick, and this isn't my favourite song from the album, but it is the one I have been listening to a lot over July. The song's message for women to support each other instead of tearing each other down is so appropriate for this day and age, and Lady Gaga and Florence Welch absolutely KILL those harmonies.

Skin - Rag'n'Bone Man

Everything about Rory Graham's voice is pure bliss. This song showcases his incredible range, and the chorus (although sad) makes you want to DANCE.

Shine - Years and Years

Once I get over how attractive lead singer Olly Alexander is, I can begin to appreciate this song. This song is INSANE. My favourite part of the song is the short instrumental break after the bridge before the final chorus. I'm a sucker for guitar solos. Plus it's so well-written!

Yesterday - Glee (originally by The Beatles)

This was a heartbreaking time on the show - everyone, including Lea Michele's character Rachel, was still recovering from the huge loss of Cory Monteith (Finn in the show) and this song encapsulates all of that hurt and longing for the past. It may not mean a lot to someone who hasn't watched the show, but this song had me in streams of tears. The song itself is so effortlessly beautiful - Paul McCartney is a true artist.

Love, SS xx

I've dreamed of studying at the University of Oxford since the times when we were roaming the city for my older brother's head injury treatment. But anyone can dream of Oxford. It's when you are really there that you can let yourself imagine a life in it.

My school took a group of students to the University's open day, and it's fair to say that I had the time of my life. With my wonderful friend Penny on my arm, I experienced the beautiful architecture, quite possibly got scammed, and enjoyed everything the city had to offer. Here is a collection of photos both Penny and I took during the course of the day.

Love, ss xx