There are some men that can gamble, and not let gambling ruin their lives.  I had an experience as a child in Atlantic City that will stand out to me for the rest of my life.  For that very reason, this isn’t my vice.  But for many men, there’s nothing more fulfilling than turning $500 into $2,000.  For others, there is power in having the dice in your hand, you have absolute no control over the outcome, but with dice in hand, you feel that somehow you’re in complete control of your fate. The thing about this habit is it has the power to destroy, and I mean, destroy a family and home.  There’s always that feeling that you can somehow “get back up” that will cause you to make very bad decisions.  But if a man likes some Jack and a game of Blackjack, I don’t see why he can’t have it every now and then.

Thumbing through the channels one night, I saw a comedy special.  I can’t remember the comedian’s name but he was talking about “The Drinking World” during his comedy special and how deep down inside, it’s a great place and we’re allowed to enjoy it.  He went on to mention that the guy who gets wasted and wraps his car around a tree, doesn’t deserve to be in the drinking world.  This applies to your vices.  If you can enjoy them and not let them take over your life, then fine, you’re allowed to enjoy them… well 4 of the 5.  If you can’t enjoy them and they end up taking over your life, then you don’t deserve to have them.

What are some of your vices?  Men and women.  I took the angle of a man today, because there’s a woman dating a guy right now and thinking to herself, that’s my man right there in a nutshell.  But I’m sure that women have just as much to offer to the conversation about their experiences dating men with vices, and some of their own.  Cheers.

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Take a moment to read through the story below. I’ve seen it on a bunch of Facebook pages and several Tumblrs. I grabbed it from here. The story will really make you think. If you read it before, it’s worth reading again.

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes & went directly to the surgery block. He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor. On seeing him, the dad yelled, “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?”

The doctor smiled & said, “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital & I came as fast as I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”

“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would U calm down? If your own son dies now what will U do??” said the father angrily

The doctor smiled again & replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book “From dust we came & to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”. Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go & intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”

“Giving advises when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.

The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy,

“Thank goodness!, your son is saved!” And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running. “If U have any question, ask the nurse!!”

“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.

The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”

Moral: “Never judge anyone because you never know how their life is & what they’re going through”.

-Slim

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

Duane moved her hair to the side with his nose to expose the back of her neck. He took a second to let the Acqua di Gioia he’d bought her a week ago serve as a reminder of his good decision-making. Before he ended up intoxicated, he asked a question he’d thought through a month ago.

“What do you want for your birthday?”

Keya smiled. She perked up at the thought of having a weekend alone with him.

“Nothing major. I just want to spend time together. That’s all. You’ve been working a lot lately.”

He laughed and looked over at the nightstand. There was no blinking or flashing. When he was under her canopy every Saturday night, he was under her recently negotiated rules. And house rules said the only thing he needed to touch in the bedroom was her body.

“I always have to work. It’s the nature of the beast. And you always say that. But for real, it’s your birthday. I’ll make sure it’s special.”

Keya knew what that meant. Of all the men she’d dated, Duane was the best at making the smallest occurrence a monumental occasion. Shoes for being beautiful. Bracelets for being born. Dinner at four star restaurants just for being of the divine. Everything was the finest because that’s what she deserved. His tokens of appreciation even drew the envy of her girls. They always reminded her that she had a keeper. She always reminded them that grass looked different from afar.

“You don’t have to go crazy with it this year hun. I just want to spend the time together.”

Duane kissed her again. His lips on her skin was his way of saying “okay.” He’d already thought about the party. He had the contact info for all her local friends and family. His work on the nightclub scene made it easy for him to get tables at any venue he wanted. This party would be epic. Duane could already see the flare on the Grey Goose bottles. It was going to be the most memorable birthday she ever had.

He spent the next two weeks making the final arrangements for her party. He put in the extra hours at the office to get ahead of his schedule. He didn’t want to be distracted on the 23rd, when he was certain there’d be loose ends to tie no matter how well he prepared. It was this attention to detail and proactivity that attracted Keya to him in the first place. He was a man that always had a plan, a backup plan, and backup to the backup plan. Duane was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. She found it sexy. He found her. This party would be another reminder of his appreciation.

Then the big day arrived. Duane called Keya after dropping by the nightspot to make sure the decorations were in order.

“Hey babe. I’ll pick you up at seven. That means you need to be ready by 6:05.”

She feigned a smile through the phone. She knew he had something planned. Something more substantial than the small thing she asked for.

“Ha. What are we doing tonight? You still haven’t told me?”

Duane wasn’t so calm and cool anymore. At this point, he was giddy. He couldn’t wait to see her face when she walked into Highlights and saw what he’d put together for her. He muted the phone to clear his throat before continuing.

“Oh, just out for a couple drinks then we can kick it.”

“Oh. okay.”

He couldn’t hear her smile anymore.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh nothing. I’m just a little tired.”

“Well alright. We’ll change that in a few hours. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

She hung up and laid back on her bed as two years of frustration and a moment of acceptance welled in her eyes. Keya looked around at the mementos and keepsakes — reminders of the story they wrote over the past two years. The same things Duane did to earn her love were costing him what he wanted the most. She felt sick at the thought of what she’d have to do to his heart tomorrow.

Keya felt loved, but she didn’t feel understood. And despite the great sex, grandiose gifts, and unforgettable memories, she got everything but the one thing she wanted the most: his time. She wrestled with the realization that one of his greatest assets had become their relationship’s greatest liability.  She sighed with disappointment when her doorbell rang at 6:58pm. If it were up to her, candles, music, and a quiet hotel room overlooking the night sky would be their only company. But she knew Duane, and he lived by the motto “go big or go home.” This wasn’t the way she envisioned she’d be spending her birthday, but she couldn’t go another day of feeling unheard.

She opened the door, smiled as she’d done so many times before, and grabbed her coat.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? How would/did you handle it? What do you think Keya should have done in this situation? How about Duane? Other thoughts are welcome!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

Apparently there’s no country for jokes that even vaguely hint at sexual orientation — particularly if your name is Roland Martin. The CNN and TVOne staffer  is under fire from The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) for a couple tweets he sent out about an H&M ad spot during the super bowl (source). In the commercial, David Beckham was rocking a pair of tight H&M boxer briefs. I’ve wiped this commercial from memory since I don’t care to see men in their underwear when I’m watching sports. Anyway, Roland tweeted the following:

“Ain’t no real bruhs going to H&M to buy some damn David Beckham underwear!” (Source)

Followed by:

“If a dude at your Super Bowl party is hyped about David Beckham’s H&M underwear ad, smack the ish out of him! #superbowl.”

Honestly, I see this no different than when women start talking about footballers buns when I’m eating chips and drinking Heineken. There’s a place for everything. There’s nothing hot about male butts and cheese dip. But that’s my opinion. There’s no hate. No malice. Just separation of butt and sports.

Part of the issue here is the increasing accountability of media and celebrity personalities. Once your name reaches a certain level, you need to tread lightly even if it means censoring what many would consider harmless.

It’s also important to mention that Roland has made comments in the past that brought him some unwanted attention, which no doubt is helping fuel this fire. Whatever the case, I think he may need to go easy on the keys.

What do you think? Did Roland cross the line with these tweets? Does he just need to go to Twitter Anonymous with Chris Brown? Should he just stay away from social media? Also, do you think GLAAD is reaching on this one? At what point does a joke become an awful PR move? And most importantly, should he be fired?

***Admin Note: We should add that Roland has responded to criticism over his comments, you can find his initial response, here, and his final remark, here.***

-Slim

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

Let me begin by saying it is it my belief that after a certain age, let’s say 25 for context, most men aren’t out to purposefully hurt women. With that said, there are still only two career pathways to love, the job path of the girlfriend and the career path of the wife. Arguably, at any age, the majority of men don’t want to hurt women. Older men simply accept that some of their actions, even the passive ones – like casual sex for example – can potentially hurt the women in their lives. Informing a woman that you’re a jerk, then subsequently acting like a jerk towards her and saying it’s her fault because you “told her the truth up front” is no longer a viable excuse. Wiser men attempt to adjust their actions to hurt as few women as possible. In a perfect world this would be zero women, but we do not live in a perfect world.

To obtain some level of objectivity, today I want to analyze love and relationships through the purview of a career path. The proverbial CEO position, the ultimate measurement of success, will be defined as the wife. I want to highlight the key differences between the career pathways of the girlfriend and the wife. If you don’t want to be a wife or you don’t like my analogy you are free to leave now.

Career Pathway – a strategy used to support an individual’s transition, development and advancement.

The Girlfriend and The Wife career pathway:

To begin, there is nothing wrong with being a girlfriend. In 9.9 of 10 cases you can’t be someone’s wife without first being their girlfriend unless you are in an arranged marriage or he found you on one of those Russian bride websites – not that I’m judging. The only problem with being a girlfriend is if your title of girlfriend is permanently affixed when you prefer the title of fiancé or wife.

There is one thing about being a girlfriend that I want to clear up. If you want to promote from girlfriend to wife, you should technically never have to ask. You should never have to give any ultimatums either. HOWEVER, just because you should not does not mean employing either of these options is wrong. In some cases, it’s completely valid. I’ll describe such a scenario later.

Before using either strategy you should mentally (or emotionally) prepare yourself for receiving an unfavorable response. For example, when you want to move up at your job (I assume) you have received performance reviews, which give you an idea of how well you are performing in your current position. If you never receive such a review, it may be an indication that management is not considering you for promotion. This means two things: 1) It might reflect management’s disinterest or 2) It might be a simple misunderstanding. Management may be unaware you are interested in the promotion.

The same may be said for a relationship. If a man has never mentioned marrying you, it might mean he is uninterested or it could mean he doesn’t know you want to be married. In other words, don’t assume that simply because you’re already his girlfriend he knows you have ambitious career goals involving advancement to wife. In his mind, you are perfectly content “gaining experience” in your current position. For now, you very well may be. If both parties are happy, then there is really no reason to make a change, yet.

On the other hand, if you want to promote and it hasn’t been made clear you will, I believe this is a discussion that needs to take place. As I referenced earlier, if you two are not on the same page it may be time for pointed questions involving your future and as a last resort, ultimatums. This discussion should occur when you feel appropriate. Your career goals should be guided by management, not dictated. Neither party is wrong but one party is unsatisfied. Regardless, you must accept that having this discussion will only result in one of three outcomes:

1. Management agrees with the assessment of your abilities and agrees to promote you immediately or in the near future.
2. Management disagrees with the assessment of your abilities but believes you have potential. In time, you may receive the promotion you desire. This promotion is not guaranteed and from management’s viewpoint, it is not time sensitive. Remember, you approached management. Management didn’t approach you.  This means they are obviously fine with your current role. Even if they don’t want to lose you, they know it’s a very real possibility and it’s one they have not proactively tried to prevent.
3. Despite your stellar qualities, service, reputation and resume, you are not the person management is looking forward to make CEO. This means no matter what you do, how well you do it, and how long you do it, you will never promote beyond the current position of girlfriend.

These realities are difficult to accept. Obviously, scenario #1 is ideal. Even with scenario #2, you have to decide if you want to remain when the promotion you desire is not guaranteed. Lastly, scenario #3, places accountability squarely back on you. Sure, the economy is bad and the job market is tough but does that mean you’re going to remain stuck in a dead-end job or are you going to look for a “company” that will eventually promote you versus one that has made it clear you may never promote? Is trying to change their mind time well spent or wasted?

If you stay, no one will fault you. Sometimes even the benefits of a dead-end job are better than unemployment (being single). That’s for you to decide but it is your decision. Good, bad or indifferent scenarios #2 and #3 dictate you must accept that when they look to fill the CEO position they may not inform you. Further, in scenario #2, while they may ultimately select you, it is not guaranteed. Despite your years of loyalty, you will be objectively compared to all other applicants when the time comes to find a CEO aka his wife-to-be. Fair or unfair, another woman’s overall resume may supersede your own.

As with our career goals, I believe the questions many of us need to ask as it relates to our relationships but often fail to ask of ourselves until it’s too late are:  1) Do I remain loyal to this company (man/woman) even though they have not guaranteed the same loyalty to me? 2) Have I properly assessed what I bring to the company (the current relationship) and is there anything I can do to change or improve the desired outcome? 3) Would I be better off moving on to another company (new relationship) to satisfy my career (relationship) goals?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

One of the best thing to come out of the Super Bowl commercials was the trailer for The Avengers. Marvel has been building this movie up for 5 years, so I can’t wait to see it in May! Check out the trailer below!

Streetz Manning

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

stellar

It’s officially Oscar season in America and as a guy with an intense appreciation for film, I can’t help but be a little reflective around this time. Recently, “black cinema” or movies that feature stories with predominantly black casts, have been the talk of Tinseltown. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer are gracefully making their award show rounds for their work in The Help. George Lucas & co. guilted us all into seeing Red Tails under the premise that the future of black cinema rested upon its success. And then there’s An Oversimplification of Her Beauty, an independent film by Terrance Nance currently making its way through the indy film circuit, receiving rave reviews along the way. Of all the films I’ve seen over the past twelve months, The Help was the most insulting, Red Tails was the most entertainingly disappointing and An Oversimplification of Her Beauty was, by far – the best. All of this brings me to the nagging question I’ve had as conversations around these films have raged all year: What’s wrong with black cinema?

In form, The Help was pretty well done. It featured phenomenal performances by Spencer and Davis, – performances I’m happy to see receive the recognition they deserve. The story, taken at face value, was relatively enjoyable – the tale of mistreated black maids who with the help of a kind-hearted white woman, are able to find their voice. The cinematography, costuming, and score were all done well enough to give the average American moviegoer an enjoyable two hour experience. It is in content and context however, that The Help falls way short. Instead of taking the hard route of accurately depicting the harsh realities of life a step above indentured servitude in the deep south 60′s, The Help– much like the book for which it’s based- instead chooses to revert to predictable plot devices and stereotypical black character cliches. From Aunjanue Ellis’ thieving to come up with money to send her son to college, to the magical negro nature of Cicely Tyson’s character, at every point in the film where there was an opportunity to step outside the box and be great, it instead chose to be typical. So while I’ll be rooting for Spencer and Davis at the Oscars and hoping their roles open previously closed doors, I doubt I’ll ever again watch this film.

Those of you who read us daily might remember Slim’s post on Red Tails a couple weeks back. In that post he expressed a certain measure of ambivalence and trepidation toward the film based on its mediocre trailers and guilt laden promotion. I too shared this trepidation, but still decided to organize a group of friends to go see the movie. I believed in the story and I believed that the Tuskegee Airmen deserved to have that story told on the big screen– epically- with big explosions and corny one-liners. And while I think black cinema, the artists who create it, and those of us who support it have shown ourselves resilient enough to survive a flop, Lucas’ pandering to our collective cultural consciences wasn’t altogether without merit. A success here would be a step in the right direction; so I chose to support. The movie was … entertaining I’ll say. The Godfather, Raging Bull, Do The Right Thing or Malcolm X it was not– but it was worth the price of admission. The problem with Red Tails is that instead of taking the time to fully develop round characters- allowing us to really begin to care for them, they instead gave us archetypes of characters our date-night-movie-theater-going culture is conditioned to care for. There’s the young man brave beyond his years, there’s the funny hot shot who falls in love, and there’s the stoically heroic star secretly battling demons while trying to be a good leader. Was Red Tails a Good film? No. Was it horrible? No. Worthwhile? I guess.

Which brings me to Terrance Nance’s Sundance selected masterpiece. An Oversimplification of Her Beauty is a film inside a documentary, inside a film. It is a detailed exploration of the brain’s densely packed spaces that shape our understanding of fantasy, reality, and the unconscious mind. It is experienced through the eyes of an artsy guy who builds his own bed frame and plays the guitar in subway stations for money. Reflecting on a relationship with a woman for whom he cared, the film is at times hilarious, like Nance explaining his ancestrally inherited inability to be on time. At other points – like when we realize things will not work out as we’d hoped – the film is sad. And still at other points, the film is poignant, like Nance reflecting on his Cosby-esque childhood and the impact that has had on his appreciation of acute emotion.

Combining live action and various forms of animation, Nance doesn’t just give us a movie, he gives us an experience, a trip into his id that forces us to answer for ourselves, the question that refrains throughout the film: “How Would You Feel?” So while I immensely enjoyed An Oversimplification of Her Beauty, I’m also clear that this is not a film meant for the masses. It’s not something we can expect to see opening in 50,000 theaters across the country or pulling in millions of dollars its opening weekend. I don’t think that’s what Nance was going for. As much as this is a film made for people like us to enjoy and appreciate, it also seems to be a personal conversation Nance is having with himself that he happens to let us in on.

It is in watching An Oversimplification of Her Beauty and reflecting on The Help and Red Tails that I came to realize the biggest problem facing black cinema: There’s nothing to occupy the space between. Somewhere between the big budget heroic war story told in Red Tails, the white-washed, safe for y’all but offensive for us story told in The Help and the extraordinary, eccentric An Oversimplification of Her Beauty, there exists room for the everyday stories of us living, working and trying to enjoy our lives. These are the stories I yearn to see brought to the big screen.

The biggest sign of the racial disparities in Hollywood is not just that it’s hard for us to make movies, but also that it’s nearly impossible for us to make movies that don’t feature extraordinary happenings. And that insistence, that unspoken rule that the only stories of ours worth telling are the extraordinary ones, robs us of our humanity and paints us as caricatures whose value is found solely in the emotional response our stories can illicit from those who don’t look like us.

Spike Lee made waves at the Sundance Film Festival for a pretty epic rant on Hollywood’s inability to understand and appreciate black stories after his “Red Hook Summer” received a slew of negative reviews. His point was that Hollywood had no idea what to do with “black” stories. He’s right, and because they don’t, our films must all be burdened by this external need for them to be these outside of the norm, unrealistically hopeful or extraordinarily depressing tales. That pushes beautiful, daring films like Terrance Nance’s An Oversimplification of Her Beauty, or Dee Rees’ Paraih so far outside of the mainstream that they go largely unnoticed.  I yearn for the day when these films receive the same kind of attention and accolades as films like American Beauty, The Hours, or Sideways- films about what happens in life when there aren’t worlds to save or racist institutions to dismantle. I yearn for the day that black American stories- ones without agendas can be made and appreciated for their quality and nothing else.

Did you see The Help, or Red Tails? What were you thoughts on each? Did you, like me find one offensive and the other a little disappointing? What about independent films like An Oversimplification of Her Beauty? Does it look like something you’d pay money to see were it in a theater near you? What kinds stories would you like to see reach the big screen, what the hell is wrong with Hollywood?

stay low and keep firing

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

September 27, 1936 – February 1, 2012

In remembrance of Don Cornelius, a Soul Train Flash Mob got together in Times Square to keep it lovely, peaceful, and soulful. This video will make your day better. I wonder how many greeks went out there and tried to turn this into a stroll competition before getting booed and pushed to the side? Anyway, enjoy the video below! You know we did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SO-TaxTRe8

-Slim

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

He wants 15 more minutes...

Just when we thought Antoine Dodson aka Bedroom Intruder aka “hide your kids” had faded into the abyss, he releases a music video — a serious music video. Had I just heard this song not knowing who it was or where it was recorded, I would’ve been like “Aight, another R&B track. Some girl somewhere is hugging a teddy bear and listening to this.” Actually, I’m sure that’s still happening.

Aside from the obvious low budget and the random white guy on the song with him, the video is…

Well, just watch it yourself. I still don’t know how I feel about it. Forreal. What about you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_MR6Ior6fM

-Slim

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

My best friend and mentor in High School explained his theory on approaching women in a concept he called, The Arm Distance Rule. In short, my friend informed me that he never approached a woman that was further than an arm’s distance away. This ancient courting principle had apparently been passed down in his family from generation to generation. In a time when young horny overly eager men abounded, perfectly willing to chase girls from sea to shining sea pride-be-damned, my friend distinguished himself not by aggressively pursuing every single women that passed but instead, he passively pursued select women that came within an arm’s distance. He would calmly extend his arm, say, “Excuse me,” then engage in polite conversation. Compared to my overly aggressive friends, his rate of successful number acquisition was undeniable. It was quite a sight for my young juvenile eyes to observe. Soon I adopted this ancient family secret for myself and the rest is, as they say, history.

As I got older, I modified the now infamous Arm Distance Rule into the more applicable, mobile, and modern day, Three Foot Rule. Today, I’m happy to outline how this rule works in the instructional video below.

Enjoy.

If you haven’t already, check out last week’s SBM Video Series edition, Sh*t Suburban Black Guys Say. Join our Facebook page or YouTube channel to find out when new videos are available. Please share your thoughts on today’s videos or your own personal wisdoms on courting and approaching women (or men) in the comment section.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.