Today, I spoke with a group of business leaders in Lisbon, and again, listening popped up as a rare and exceptionally powerful gift of exceptional leaders.  If I were talking to your colleagues, would they think of you as the one “stand out leader” in their lives?  I suspect that more careful listening is one of the most powerful ways to get on this most exclusive of lists.

Why is listening so significant?

From my personal experience, it’s easy for me to think of times when I didn’t sense real listening.  This triggers all kinds of insecurities for me:  Do I matter?  Am I included? Do I have a voice?  As a somewhat introverted person, I’ve often felt like an outsider.  But when someone really listens to me, I can FEEL the connection.  I suspect listening meets many of our basic human needs:

First, good listening is a gift that touches a core need for significance.  When people listen to us, they give us time.  They don’t “take time” to listen, they give it.  This sends us a primal signal:  I matter.

Second, when a leader listens, we feel belonging – which is one of the most powerful human motivators.  Literally, when we “feel listened to,” we have a “seat at the table.” We are part of the group — and when it’s the leader listening, we’re part of the leader’s group.  We’re in.

Feeling heard activates a third basic human need: accomplishment.  We have a voice.  We have a chance to contribute.  We’re part of the solution.

Why is listening so difficult?

Thinking about this article, I was remembering the last few interactions I had with my team.  I was leaving on a long trip, had about a million and seven tasks to accomplish, and I was pretty focused on my own “stuff.”  One of my team members came to ask me some questions.  At one level, I perceived it as an interruption and went into judgment, “this isn’t really important, why do we need to talk about this now?”  Thankfully I’ve learned to halt that inner critic pretty quickly, and I navigated my emotions and turned on some empathy… but this initial reaction offers some insight (I hope so, else, I’ve just admitted to being a bit of a jerk for no reason).

As I mentioned in a recent article about stress and collaboration, there’s intriguing research about the way our prefrontal network prioritizes information.  In order to “focus” on tasks and data, our brains shut off other functions, including processing emotional data: more task orientation means less empathy.  In our high-stress lives, we are forcing our brains to juggle, and when there are too many balls in the air, we drop some.  Unfortunately, we often drop the fragile glass ones that create trust and partnership and respect.

In the Six Seconds Model, one of our core competencies is to Recognize Patterns.  What are your typical reactions when you have too much to do?  When you think someone is interrupting? When you feel impatient?  My patterns certainly don’t help me listen…

How to be a better listener?

I suspect that one reason emotional intelligence is essential in good listening is that EQ skills help us cope with stress (here’s some research on EQ & stress in healthcare).  EQ skills help us juggle those glass balls… and, help us prioritize which ones to drop when we’ve got to do that.  Accurate assessment, after all, is one of the key outcomes of intelligence (be it emotional or mathematical).  So a few tips for bringing emotional intelligence forward when listening:

1. Engage imagination and curiosity.  

For a recent article on Forbes about the neuroscience of empathy, researcher Marco Iaboboni shared some insights about the links between imagination and empathy.  When you imagine, you build new neural pathways — you create bridges.  You don’t KNOW what the person is experiencing, but you can play, “what if.”  “What if I had this problem?”  ”What if I had to talk to me right now?”  ”What if she is uncertain and needs my help?”  ”What if there is a real problem I’m not seeing?”

I’ve found curiosity to be an invaluable partner to listening.  There’s a Japanese proverb I love, “The other side also has another side.”  Everyone has a story.  There’s something fascinating hiding just out of view.  People rarely (never?) say what’s really on their minds… heck, half the time I don’t even know what’s really on mine.  But with this combo of imagination and curiosity I can enter into a sense of wonder and openness that let’s me hear much more than is said.

2. Re-prioritize.

The biggest obstacle, perhaps, is bizzyness.  Did you see the intriguing NY Times opinion about “The Busy Trap“?  Summary: “ The ‘crazy busy’ existence so many of us complain about is almost entirely self-imposed.”  We LIKE being busy!  We’re addicted to it.  Probably in a literal, chemical sense of addiction.  I’ve noticed on long plane rides across the Pacific, I am a great listener.  Or on a ambling walk through the winding stress of Rome.  Or laying on the warm sand near home on the California Coast.  Or during super-late-night letlag-fueled chats sipping mint tea in Singapore’s Arab Quarter. These are “time out of time” movements.  There’s no agenda.  No menacing “to do” list.

The obvious implication is that I am much better at listening when there are not “more important things to do.”  Hm.  Let that settle in for a minute:  What’s our job as leaders?  Isn’t leading our people actually the most important thing to do?

3. Remember that faking it is, well… fake.

There’s conflicting evidence about smiling — it seems even a fake smile can lower your stress and improve your mood, but research says it can also make you miserable to fake happiness. In any case, many people are able to see through as least many of the fakes (you can test yourself on this free BBC experiment).  In any case, when we “fake it,” we send a mixed emotional message.  This inconsistency is a signal that can trigger distrust — even if we’re not aware that’s happening.  Instead, take ownership of your feelings so you can be real.

Keep noticing your own feelings.  When you feel impatient, anxious, overwhelmed… you are unlikely to be a good listener.  These are not “negative” or “bad” feelings, they have an important role and purpose, and you’re unlikely to be effective trying to “just push them aside.”  Instead, recognize the emotions as signals of a problem, and deal with it.  Do so before it escalates and it will be relatively easy — otherwise you’ll have a long period of under-performance, especially in jobs such as listening. 

You can learn to navigate emotions.  If you need help, get an EQ coach.  It’s an invaluable skill if you’re committed to leading people.

4. Suspend and attend.

My friend Mimi Frenette shared this phrase when we were teaching EQ skills to the US Navy.  Suspend means to stop doing other tasks, and to stop internal chatter (e.g., thinking of what you’re going to say back).  Attend means to notice — not just hearing the words, but attending to the meaning.  What’s underneath?

As Lea Brovedani describes in TRUSTED, leaders who listen stop what they’re doing.  They close their computers.  They move to a new chair.  They give their attention.  This makes listening into a literal moment of investment in the relationship.  An investment in trust.

In her chapter on empathy in Leader as a Mensch, Bruna Martinuzzi provides several tips for listening, including: “Don’t interrupt people. Don’t dismiss their concerns offhand. Don’t rush to give advice. Don’t change the subject. Allow people their moment.”

At the start, I mentioned that two factors keep arising in these discussions of exceptional leaders.  The second is about supporting risks, and I’ll write about that soon.  In the mean time, are you still listening?

The post Listening Leaders appeared first on Six Seconds.

After wonderful discussions with my colleagues, I decided on three messages — a “story” I’ve continued to articulate for over a decade.  Before I tell you my answer, I’d like you to consider how you’d answer.  If you could deliver three powerful points to half a million people, what would you tell them?

To answer, it might be helpful to consider:  What is the problem you want to solve? Is there a change you’d like to make in your business, your family, your community, the world?

As I travel around the world, I see that many of our biggest challenges are tied to a disconnection between the choices we’re making, and the results we’re creating.  No one WANTS to create economic meltdowns or environmental depredation, but we do.  A few days ago I posted featuring Anabel Jensen (Six Seconds) and Tony Wagner (Harvard) talking about the need to transform education.  In that, Anabel says,

It’s not enough to be smart, we need a powerful blend of ethics + compassion + commitment.  We need to put our principles into action.”  

Why don’t people do so?  What would it take to live that way?  This consideration led me to my answer for the radio show:

1. Emotions are real and they affect us.  They affect how we respond,  they shape the decisions we make.

2. You have a choice.  Maybe not total freedom, but options in how to respond.

3. Your choices matter.  Every decision, every interaction, affects ourselves, and others, and ultimately the world.

I didn’t realize it at first, but when I decided on my three messages, they are actually tied to the three parts of the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence. Know Yourself is about tuning into the value of feelings.  Choose Yourself means owning the decisions.  Give Yourself means ensuring those choices add up to create a worthwhile legacy.

What makes these three ideas transformational is that they are a PROCESS.  As we go through these three steps, we bring our emotional intelligence forward to make better decisions, to take action that’s aligned with our real goals.  Or, in Anabel’s words, to put our principles into action.

I hope to see you at the NexusEQ Conference in June, to share and hear how practitioners around the world are using emotional intelligence to make positive change. It’s part of our vision to support 1 billion people to practice the skills of emotional intelligence — which will require all of us to become more clear about those “3 essential points” we want to share.  S0 in the meantime, what are your three core messages?  Please share in the comments!

The post Your Three Essential Messages appeared first on Six Seconds.

For over thirty years, I have been practicing the skills of optimism.  It began with a traumatic divorce, which was wearing me to the ground.  In addition, I was very concerned about my ten-year son, who was depressed by the multiple tensions floating in the house.  Emotions were at an all time high—with anger and grief topping the list. 

What could I do?

I knew that my son deserved a mother who exhibited joy and happiness.  I was aware that there is research about happy teachers having happy students.  Therefore, there must be similar research about mothers. 

I would practice being happy.  

I had mentioned to a friend that in my emotional life, it was raining all the time.  She gave me a small plaque she had painted that I hung in the kitchen.  It said,  “I believe in the sun even when it is raining.”  This became my mantra.  The sun would come out and I would do all I could to help it.

Therefore, I made an agreement with myself not to complain—no matter the provocation—to Caleb about his father.  In addition, in the mornings we established a new ritual—three jokes from each of us told to the other–before leaving for school.  Some of his he made up; I confess that I laughed even when they were not very funny.

Bathroom stories…

When school was over, I asked him to share his day by beginning with the funniest thing that had happened.  I heard many bathroom stories.  Then I asked him about the most interesting/intriguing part of the day.  This was followed by—let’s make a decision about one fun thing we are going to do before bedtime.  Sometimes they were ridiculous.  We both put our pajamas on backward.  We both brushed our teeth with our non-dominant hands—which created lots of foam in the sink, which we turned into mustaches and beards. This cheered me up. 

This cheered him up.

Then I began to send positive messages—Caleb, this trauma will not last forever.  I said that a significant amount of times.  Then I said—this is only one aspect of our lives.  I also said this a significant amount of times.  Finally, I said—and this was probably the most important message of all—our brains are amazing; we have the ability to create/build/design happy and productive lives for ourselves.

Several years later, I discovered the research of Martin Seligman, guru of optimism.  As I am frequently in a bookstore, I saw a copy of Marty Seligman’s book entitled, Learned Optimism.  Ah ha, this was what I needed.

Coping skills for adversity are important.

I picked it up and read it in one night. Yes, absolutely, I want my child to be able to cope with adversity—to withstand the overwhelming negative news that hits the newspaper and TV reports, or not being invited to a friend’s birthday, or failing a test, or not making first string on the basketball court.  Moreover, optimists are healthier, experience less stress, often better problem solvers, and live longer.

Inoculations predict future wellness

A friend once told me that the average person experiences twenty-eight adversities every day.  If so, I want both myself and my son inoculated against them.  No-one can avoid sadness, heartbreak, adversity. It is part of the human condition. Yet at the same time, we want to be happy. As happy as possible as much of the time as possible.

Optimistic people are happier, they bounce back quicker, they roll with the punches. They have the following mindsets, understand the following statements, remind themselves often and practice them.

3 Habits of Extremely Optimistic People

Habit #1. Happy people know that trauma does not last forever. It is a temporary thing. They remind themselves, “This too shall pass.”

Habit #2. Optimists accept that heartbreak does not consist our entire lives. They place emphasis on other, more currently successful parts of their lives.

Habit #3. Positive thinkers appreciate that we can create our own changes, create a new reality for ourselves. They seek out opportunities to effect those changes.

This is what Caleb and I did during that terrible year. I continue to do so every time I hit the metaphorical bump in the road. As a recovering pessimist, I constantly remind myself of these points. Twenty-eight adversities a day is a LOT. I suggest we all take these habits on board.

What coping skills do you have to deal with your twenty or so daily adversities? What helps you the most? Please tell us in the comments. I truly appreciate heart-felt and thoughtful comments, they make my day.

Or ‘like’ the Six Seconds Facebook page for more valuable information about emotional intelligence. I would so appreciate it! Thank you.

The 7th International NexusEQ Conference is taking place at HARVARD UNIVERSITY in Boston, June 24-26, 2013. There isn’t a lot of time left! Join me, and luminaries such as Peter Salovey, Marco Iacoboni and Herbert Benson, for a ground-breaking three days. You can read more details about it here.

The post 3 Habits of Extremely Optimistic People appeared first on Six Seconds.

An important new national study by Civic Enterprises and Hart Research Associates, commissioned by the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning(CASEL) has revealed that teachers overwhelmingly recognize the value of SEL in improving academic scores, motivation, student relationships with peers and adults, and engagement in school. Teachers in this study were clear  that SEL programs reduce bullying and other problem behavior and help prepare students for college, career, and life readiness.  SEL programs help to reduce by 50% the number of student fights, by 19% violent behaviors and classroom hostility. As cited in the report, “SEL helps students relieve stress, manage anger, and deal with social situations by fostering a sense of well-being, safety, and self-worth in students.”

 The study corroborated previous research, which found that student interest in school and absenteeism decreased  in schools with well implemented SEL programs, and that this increase in engagement and school attendance figures prominently in students’ path to graduation. 

In many schools, however, SEL implementation is fragmented and inconsistent. The study revealed that less than half of teachers  (44%) feel SEL is being implemented on a school wise basis. The study reports that “More than three-quarters of the teachers believe a larger focus on SEL will be a major benefit to students because of the positive effect on workforce readiness (87 percent), school attendance and graduation (80 percent), life success (87 percent), college preparation (78 percent), and academic success (75 percent).” 

 What can be done to increase adoption,  implementation, and sustainability of SEL programs? 

• Provide training to help educators to apply and practice EQ and SEL in their own lives.
• Teach parents to use SEL skills at home with their own kids and with their families. 
• Work with administrators to support ongoing EQ professional development for teachers–not just for teaching students but for giving all teachers the support they need to overcome every-day challenges in the classroom and in their own professional lives. 
• Establish SEL leadership steering committees in each school to include teachers, parents, staff, administrators, and community members to take the next step in SEL integration and sustainability. 
• Align SEL with Common Core standards and other school initiatives.
• Model SEL skills and processes for communication, social problem solving, conflict resolution, decision making and perspective taking and make it an integral part of the school climate. 
• Take SEL to grad school: Focus on teaching SEL in  teacher, counselor, and ed leadership graduate programs. 

What strategies have worked for you to insure that SEL is no longer the missing piece?

Please comment below! Thanks!

The post The Missing Piece Report: Teachers believe in the importance and benefits of SEL! appeared first on Six Seconds.

What do future leaders need?  Is it enough to memorize a set of problems?  While there are many opinions, a trend is emerging around the value of skills for being self-aware, collaborating with others, and creating new possibilities.  While traditional intellect remains important, these skills require a new form of insight into self and others, a capability called “emotional intelligence.”

Inventing the Future of Invention

In June at Harvard University, Wagner will join 80 other experts from around the globe – scientists, teachers, business leaders, and change makers – at the NexusEQ Conference. The question:  How to spark positive change in every sector of society?

Anabel Jensen is no stranger to this challenge, and she’ll open the NexusEQ Conference with a powerful invitation.  A pioneer in the field of emotional intelligence education, Jensen is a professor of education who has trained over 10,000 teachers.  She started multiple schools, and, as a school principal, was one of a few to ever win two Federal Blue Ribbon awards for excellence in education.

Today, Jensen is President of Six Seconds, the world’s largest network of emotional intelligence experts and advocates.  She is also the CEO of Synapse School, with a unique mission: Educating future change makers.

“A change maker ignites a spark of possibility, and nurtures that potential into a powerful force,” says Jensen.  “To lead change requires both insight and passion – head plus heart,” she explains.  That’s why Jensen’s school is infused with emotional intelligence.  “Every teacher, every parent, and every child benefits from practicing the skills of emotional intelligence.  It’s a powerful skill set to unlock potential.”

The Ingredients for Change Makers

At the NexusEQ Conference in June, Jensen’s opening keynote is called, “Calling Change Makers.”  She will share the essential ingredients for leading in the 21^st Century, and invite participants to put these into action.  “It’s not enough to be smart,” Jensen says, “we need a powerful blend of ethics + compassion + commitment.  We need to put our principles into action.”

Other conference speakers will echo this theme, sharing successes of how emotional intelligence is creating positive change.  Examples range from Fintan Connolley restoring hope among poverty-stricken youth in Northern Ireland, to Andre Earl-Clive Bisasor teaching negotiation skills to teens in Boston.  The common theme is harnessing the power of emotion to create positive change.

Educating the Heart: Social Emotional Learning

There is a pervasive perception in Western education:  We need to focus on the basics.  Particularly with the emphasis on testing created by the No Child Left Behind Act, schools are grappling to produce results.  Fortunately, in recent years, “social emotional learning” is becoming increasingly recognized as an essential component for school success.

In a kick-off webinar for the conference, Tony Wagner pointed out the risk of the old way of thinking, “Increasingly, schools are about one subject:  Test preparation.”  Wagner went on to point out that given all the changes occurring in society, it’s probably time for education to change as well.

The surprising news is that there’s no conflict between “basic education” and “educating the heart.”  Numerous research studies show that developing emotional intelligence ALSO improves academic achievement – and life success.   Quoting a compelling essay in The New York Times: “promoting students’ social and emotional skills plays a critical role in improving their academic performance.”

In a beautiful video by The Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education entitled “Educate the Heart,” we’re asked to consider our children: “are the tools we give them enough to prepare them for this world?”  It continues, “If we truly want to prepare them for the world outside, we must also educate the heart.”

Emotional Intelligence: 21^st Century Skills

Anabel Jensen says, “We teach what we are, and we are what we teach.”  This means that the first step to teaching emotional intelligence is to practice the skills ourselves – as teachers, parents, community leaders, friends, concerned citizens.  “The skills of emotional intelligence,” she says, “are learnable and practical.  The challenge is to make a commitment and to keep practicing, especially when life is complex.”

Six Seconds, the nonprofit organization organizing the NexusEQ Conference, teaches that emotional intelligence can be activated with a simple three step process:

1. Increase awareness.  Notice your feelings and reactions.
2. Increase choice.  Pause and consider options.  Respond instead of reacting.
3. Increase purpose.  Pay attention to what’s truly important in the situation.

To put this process into action, Six Seconds has identified eight specific, learnable, measurable competencies.  Emotional intelligence skills include self-awareness, consequential thinking, optimism, and empathy.

In Six Seconds’ work, these are assessed with a tool called the SEI, Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment, which is available for children and adults.  The organization also publishes curriculum for students, workshops for parents, and training programs for teachers and business people. 

At the NexusEQ Conference, over 50 case studies will share how these and other emotional intelligence tools are actually working to improve learning, innovation, and leadership.

Perhaps the best news is that universal relevance.  These essential skills support academic success for children.  The same skills help young people make healthier decisions.  Later, this toolset equips adults to lead.  As Wagner says, “For the first time in history, skills to do well in work and skills to be a good citizen have converged.”

The post Reinventing Education for Change Leaders: Head + Heart + Hands appeared first on Six Seconds.

However, I was not happy with the way I looked and, really to me, it did not seem as if I devoured that much food. 

I did have an intense sweet tooth.  So, unfortunately, I was often tempted by that extra slice of chocolate pie, chocolate chip cookies in the cookie jar, and any form of chocolate—with or without nuts. 

My freshman year in college, I became very ill with a virulent flu.  In the process of getting sick, staying sick much longer than anticipated, and getting well—I lost about twenty pounds. 

I liked being thinner—so I stayed on a diet— one that consisted almost exclusively of soup and lost another thirty pounds.  I liked that even better.  And, best of all I managed to keep it off—and went back to regular eating, but keeping an eye on the scale.

Mistake #1: Too fat

Several years later, I was back in that same small college town walking down a busy shopping boulevard, but this time I was working on a master’s degree.  In this one window of a popular clothing store was this fabulous pleated skirt. 

I remember standing in front of that window and wishing, wishing so much that I could go in and purchase that amazing skirt—but I couldn’t. I couldn’t for after all, I was too fat. 

It had been six years since I lost weight and yet my internal image of my physical being was at least six/seven years old. Hold it a minute, I thought. Of course, I could buy that skirt. 

In I went

I kept picking skirts that were two large, before the clerk exasperatedly said, “Here, this one will fit.”  And, it was slightly big, but the smallest they had.  I bought it—and the matching sweater—and it became my “go to” outfit whenever I wanted to be satisfied with how I would look. 

I loved that outfit.  I wish it were still in my closet. But I so nearly didn’t buy it—because I thought I was still too fat. My self-perception was off.

Wrong perceptions

Just recently, I read an article in the New York Daily Times based on an interesting experiment devised by Dove and assisted by expert forensic artist, Gil Zamora.  I was fascinated and impressed by the results.  Here’s what happened:

Seven women, hidden by a screen, were interviewed by Gil.  Each woman was asked to describe her features as specifically as possible. Words used included—square jaw, kind eyes, etc.  Then another female who had briefly met the woman was asked to come in and describe the “stranger.”   

Mistake #2: Too plain

The final sketches included significant differences that were more positive, more open, kinder-looking, or more attractive as stated by the stranger than the original sketches drawn as a result of the individuals describing their own features.

After reading the article and viewing the video—I recalled the incident of my perception of my own body image described above. These women and I shared a common experience – our self-perception was different to that others held of us. And, we were judging ourselves much more harshly.

Blurry vision

Our internal vision of ourselves—physically and emotionally—is often blurred. We don’t see ourselves accurately. We clearly underestimate ourselves as the above examples have shown, and I believe we can overestimate ourselves, too.

I was reminded of a recent Internet article reporting that in the U.S., narcissism  (concern for self) is increasing, and empathy (concern and action for others) is decreasing.  This data makes me wonder if the feedback reported by Dove about physical beauty, and how the individual essentially downplays her looks, would be reversed for the reporting of “inner beauty.” 

Imagine another experiment

For example, the experiment would be to describe yourself emotionally to a stranger.  You would focus on two items.  One would be emotional concern for yourself; and the second would be concern for others. 

Then have a friend or perhaps a co-worker, not a stranger, describe you to that same stranger on those two topics as well.  Then see which paragraphs contain the most positive words—such as kind, thoughtful, generous, patient, collaborative, etc.

Mistake #3: Too good?

My hunch is that the individual is going to report herself in a more positive light than the friend is.  Hmmm?  Perhaps I will try this with my graduate psychology class next week.  Any bets on the outcome?  I will let you know.

Committed to empathy

I do know that I am committed to the spreading of empathy.  My definition of empathy requires some action when adversity strikes a friend.  It might be a hug for a stubbed toe, a glass of milk and a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie after a tough math test, or a joint sharing of tears if someone has significantly hurt feelings. 

But we also need to experience empathy for ourselves, to befriend ourselves—heal our hurts, update our images, judge ourselves not too harshly. And maybe we need to work on that first, before we can truly empathize with others.

Nurturing

I think a gigantic dose of empathy for ourselves and for others would improve many things—friendship, marriage, sibling relationships, student-teacher relationships, etc.  Therefore, at Six Seconds one of our major competencies in our EQ model is the increasing of empathy.  We recognize that it arrives with most of us, but needs tending in order to bloom and thrive. 

For example, my niece at one and one-half years would pat me on the back, if she saw me crying—even at a commercial.  She didn’t understand the subtleties, but recognized the pain.  She wanted to help. Today, at eighteen she is immensely empathic.  She will volunteer to help even when her time is limited.

I have a favorite YouTube clip, which illustrates this principle beautifully.  A robot is looking for something to play with and finds a small robotic dog.  The dog is not working—but the robot figures out a way to make the toy work.  Watch the clip and decide on your next act of kindness.

If you can’t see it above, here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0lynZYyshg

Dev Patnaik, strategy consultant, argues in his 2009 book, Wired to Care, that a major flaw in contemporary business practice is a lack of empathy inside large corporations.  Instead, the inventing of better mousetraps requires a much stronger sense of empathy for the client than currently exists. 

I would make the same argument for teachers.  If we are going to build lessons, assessments, etc. for the teacher’s client—the students–we need much more empathy for their states of mind.  I love this quote by Scott Adams, who said,

“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”

May we continue to spread these small ripples even when we know it will cost us something.

Do you have experience of these mistakes? Are you underestimating or overestimating yourself? And what do you think the outcome of the experiment I propose above, might be? Please tell us in the comments. I truly appreciate heart-felt and thoughtful comments, they make my day.

Or ‘like’ the Six Seconds Facebook page for more valuable information about emotional intelligence. I would so appreciate it! Thank you.

The 7th International NexusEQ Conference is taking place at HARVARD UNIVERSITY in Boston, June 24-26, 2013. There isn’t a lot of time left! Join me, and luminaries such as Peter Salovey, Marco Iacoboni and Herbert Benson, for a ground-breaking three days. You can read more details about it here.

The post Are You Making These Self-Perception Mistakes? appeared first on Six Seconds.

Thousands of attendees from around the world, including many Six Seconds network members participated in the five days of AERA workshops, panels, and round-table discussions on educational research, assessment, implementation, and best practices.

The conference is huge, and many people appreciate having a “home” there.  For me, that’s always been the Social and Emotional Learning Special Interest Group (SEL SIG). This SIG is dedicated to  examining relationships among social-emotional competencies and academic, health, and citizenship outcomes; the impact of SEL interventions on the adjustment, behavior, and academic performance of students; and factors that influence the effectiveness of SEL intervention including the role of educators and families.

Several hundred people attended the many fantastic sessions and workshops presented by the SEL SIG.  Dr. Dan Siegel, Clinical Professor at UCLA Medical School, Co-Director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center, and frequent contributor to Six Seconds’ webinars, was our SIG’s keynote speaker on Mindsight and the emerging field of interpersonal neurobiology. You may remember that last year’s keynote speaker at the SEL SIG meeting was Dr. Anabel Jensen, Founder of Six Seconds.

For the coming year, several of Six Seconds’ network members are represented on the SEL SIG Executive Committee–and we welcome your participation as well!! It’s not too late to volunteer to review papers for next year’s sessions, help with membership, and find other ways to get involved. 

Dr. Carina Fiedeldey-Van Dijk, Semior Research Consultant for Six Seconds is the new Program Chair of the SIG and I, Susan, past Chair of the SEL SIG,  am now the Communications Chair. Hopefully Alex Russell, VS program manager and Ed team member will also be taking a role on the Executive committee.

Please consider joining us next year at the AERA conference in Philadelphia, PA, Thursday, April 3 – Monday, April 7, 2014. 

If you are a researcher or scholar/practitioner, it would be wonderful to have your work in EQ and SEL represented at next year’s conference. Please consider a research submission to the SEL SIG (or other Divisions or SIGs at AERA). Several people could submit a joint session, where similar papers are combined. If you might like to submit a proposal for a paper or session at next year’s SEL SIG, please see the website at www.aera.net  for directions. 

For more information on the the SEL SIG, please see our website: http://www.aera.net/SIG170/SocialandEmotionalLearningSIG170/tabid/12287/Default.aspx

Any other questions on the SEL SIG, how you join, what role you might play,  or any EQ news you’d like me to communicate to our almost 200 members–please contact me at Susan.stillman@6seconds.org.

Hope to see you at NexusEQ @ Harvard Medical School in Boston this June (http://www.nexueq.com) and then next April at AERA in Philadelphia! 

Susan

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1.  Relax.  

No, seriously.  When you walk into a meeting “wound up,” people immediately feel that.  Doesn’t matter if you’re coming loaded for bear, or just stressed by something unrelated… walk in tense and you create resistance.

2.  Align.*

Start with common purpose.  What are you, individually or together, trying to achieve?

Let’s say you are giving feedback about someone’s work, and it’s not great.  You can start by saying, “here are the 22 things wrong with your crappy work…” or, you can start by saying, “I want to be sure we’re on the same page about the goals.  Here’s what I think we’re trying to accomplish…”

3. Wait.

Think of the cliché used car salesman who talks a mile a minute trying to convince you… do the opposite.  The “first rule of emotional intelligence”: When people feel pushed, they resist.

Don’t push:  Pull.  Offer.  Invite.  Listen.  Make space.  

Go back to step 1… stay RAW ’till you have agreement.

* More about step 2, and the picture.

Did you see the incredible insights from Daniel Shapiro (from Harvard’s International Negotiation Program)?  He talked about moving out of an OPPOSITIONAL STANCE — and coming to stand on the same side so you & your former adversary are now standing shoulder-to-shoulder facing a mutual challenge.  It’s not a technical, cognitive skill — it’s an application of emotional intelligence.  Know Yourself, tune in.  Choose Yourself, deescalate.  Give Yourself, step together.

The picture above is one of the great Aikido masters (bonus points if you can identify the photo, I don’t know).  See how he’s moved to stand on the SAME side as his “opponent”?  See his open body language?  He’s inviting the young guy to fall down, and guess what?  The young guy is going to!

If you don’t want to get caught up in dissent, move so you’re standing next to the other guy.  One of the power-tools here is adding just a little empathy.  Tuning in.  Connecting.  Finding you’re both actually in the same life raft.

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In addition, a limited number of work-exchange scholarship tickets remain – also available ’till May 15.

Warning: local hotels will likely sell-out.

New:

Emotional Intelligence Fair

In this dynamic, interactive celebration of EQ learning, you will have the opportunity to engage in two dozen practical, proven exercises for developing emotional intelligence. 

Wander the halls of the Harvard Medical School Conference Center and tour the latest tools from around the globe. Gamble on the Emotion Flower, deal yourself a hand of Body Language cards, or craft a symbol of transformation.  You’re free to choose your own adventure, embrace serendipity, and dive into the world of emotion.

Click here for a sneak peak at the interactive learning events

Recent Articles re NexusEQ

Interviews and features on NexusEQ Keynote Speakers and key themes of the conference:

Solving the Biggest Problems: Daniel Shapiro on Emotional Intelligence and Negotiation: Founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program speaks on the importance of emotional intelligence to reshape conflict.

The Face, and Heart, of Climate Change: Emotional Intelligence Unlocks Human Ability to Care: The neuroscience of environmentalism – it starts with a change of heart.

What’s the Vision of NexusEQ?: How is NexusEQ 1 step toward bringing ONE BILLION people to practice the skills of EQ?

Stress is Killing Me! Time for Emotional Intelligence?: Increasing stress, declining empathy, and a growing demand for collaboration.  How do we meet the challenges of our times?

Changing Together: Why it’s called “nexus” – and how we’re coming together for positive change

The Amadori Case: Supplying McDonalds – Organizational Engagement, 
Emotional Intelligence and Performance:  powerful example of the value of EQ at work – to be presented at the conference.

The post 15% off NexusEQ; Festival appeared first on Six Seconds.

Synapse is the Six Seconds lab school and offers an advanced academic curriculum fully integrated with social emotional learning. 

The Synapse program is carefully designed as a model school to demonstrate the power of blending Six Seconds’ emotional intelligence programs with leading-edge instruction (brain-based, project driven, constructivist learning in school-wide themes).

The State of the School speech was delivered by Synapse School CEO, Anabel L. Jensen, on April 24, 2013.

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Recently, a search for new leadership was initiated at Synapse.  The result of that six-month project was the hiring of Jim Eagen.  A celebration was held to welcome him to the community.  These are words I shared—the legacy I wish to leave:

Harold Wilson wrote, “He who rejects change is the architect of decay.  The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.”

I want you to know that I welcome this change.  I welcome Jim.  I am excited about possibilities.  Nonetheless, all changes — even those anticipated — have their melancholy, for I am leaving behind me a part of my mind, my heart, and my soul.

I want to share six commitments that I will continue to explore, to grow, and to solidify, as a member of the Synapse community.

First, is the continuance of the Six Seconds’ mission/vision—positive change, everywhere, all the time. 

I will be here in this building holding workshop/seminars for those interested in developing their emotional intelligence.  There will be activities for parents, teachers, and students.  We are planning a new, enlarged office and I will be ably assisted by volunteers to guarantee fun for all.
 

Second, is the furthering of Synapse’s mission for building and growing change makers. 

I love the mosaic created by the kindergarteners, who want to do something about the plastic garbage in the middle of Pacific Ocean. No one knows how big it is, but some estimates are twice the size of the continental United States.  Then they took a picture, which they put on tote bags and sold for $5.  Forty of them disappeared almost immediately. 

I believe change makers are not born; they are made through trial, error, and experience. For example, I recently saw the movie “42”.  It is the story of Jackie Robinson breaking the color line within major league baseball.  My father was a humungous baseball fan and so I grew up hearing stories about Jackie stealing bases—even home.  Jackie Robinson asks Branch Hickey, general manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers, more than once,  “Why are you doing this.”  At first, Branch replies money was his motivation, but then after being pressured, he replies, “I didn’t do enough when I could have.” 

This answer truly resonates with me.  When people ask me why I have not retired, I respond, “I didn’t do enough when I could have; I’m trying to make up for it.”

Positive change—everywhere—all the time.
 

The third item I am committed to is building problem solvers, who utilize their intelligence to be critical thinkers. 

I believe this requires some specific brain attitudes. They include:  destroy old, useless paradigms, be open to new, flexible ones; be comfortable with complexity and ambiguity; suspend judgment—right and wrong is not always easily discernable; if what you are doing is not working, try something DIFFERENT; brainstorm and brain write; and explore the “what ifs” in the world.
 

Fourth, I think the only community worth investing in is a caring community. 

For example, recently all of us were impacted by the Boston tragedy.  Just yesterday, I read this “thank you” posted on Facebook, which was written by the friend of a Six Seconds’ associate, who is an EMT in Boston.  Here are the first two of probably about 15 items:

Thank you to the visibly exhausted female marathoner, who said, “I am a combat medic, what can I do?”

Thank you to the elderly male, who said, “I am a surgeon, use me.”

He went on to describe the other gifts of phones, food, and friendship.

As a follow-up to first responders, the following story as shared by one of the Synapse teachers.  He had a small group of students in tow; as they rounded a corner, they found one of their classmates on the floor crying.  The students immediately went into denial mode: “I didn’t do it.  It was not I.  Hey, I wasn’t even here.”

The teacher’s comeback was, “Wait a second.  We are the first responders.  What could we say or do here?”  He then asked each child to generate an idea.  The first student said, “I could ask if he is okay?”  The second one said, “I could ask him is there is something I can do to help?”  The next said, “I could ask him if he needs water?”  The last one said, “I could pat him on the back and tell him it will be okay.”

Positive change—everywhere—all the time.
 

The fifth item to which I want to give my attention is the building of optimists. 

I do not know about any of you, but my first plan (Plan A) has not worked most of the time—perhaps any of the time.  We all know life is frequently not right, not perfect, not fair.  Several years ago, my sister gave me a tote bag emblazoned with, “LIFE IS REALLY ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLE PLAN B.”  I want students to know that adversity is conquered by: analyzing its duration (i.e., it will not last forever); examining its scope (i.e., it is only one aspect/one dimension of your life); and utilizing the power of the brain (i.e., the power of the brain can change the ending).
 

Finally, the sixth item is the growing of children who will develop self-efficacy. 

I want all children to have the attitude of:  I want to do that, I can learn to do that, and I have become good at doing that.

Because of the environment at Synapse I have seen multiple examples of children doing just that—I am going to mention three out of ninety. 

First, an older student, who arrived without friends and because of a clever, biting wit was not attracting any; seven months later is accepted and admired—and has friends.

A middle level student who arrived very quiet and reserved.  However, with the advent of the Interactive Lab (a museum of science activities created by children) this year volunteered to be at the front door greeting strangers/guests/visitors.

A Level 11 student who started the year hiding behind a cloud of hair, shoulders slumped, and shuffled along—and now she walks straight and tall, with confidence in every step.

Positive change—everywhere—all the time.

 
George Washington Carver wrote, “Education is the key to unlock the golden door of freedom.” 

May Synapse’s doors continue to help your child:

            find him/herself

            identify his/her passion

            locate the staircase to his/her dreams

            recognize the value of serving others

Positive change—everywhere—all the time.

I believe the future is full of hope.  I am anticipating and planning on many more Synapse Schools around the world.

Anabel L. Jensen

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