Today I got roses delivered with a note that says “Dad loves you and so do I, Love Kelly” I didn’t know that Bob had asked Kelly to send me roses on our anniversary. According to Kelly, he asked her to do it in March. I guess he knew he wouldn’t be here in September.

People ask how I’m doing and I say fine, but the truth is “not so much” Its so lonely, there is no one to talk to,(Max, the dog, does not understand). Its overwhelming and all consuming. All of you who have someone to share your life, do not take it for granted. Just imagine not having someone to say “good night” to or “good morning” or having someone touch you. Very simple things that mean so much. It may sound trite but, treasure each hug, each conversation however mundane.
I will eventually get over my pity party and move on. Its just going to take some time.

I promise the next entry will be happy. . . . hopefully announcing the birth of my granddaughter.

Sue

Bob said he wanted to be reincarnated into Kelly and Ryan’s baby. I don’t know how this will work with a girl, but it should be interesting. I always figured the genetics itself will be enough of a challenge for Kelly without the extra added reincarnation thing.

I miss him everyday. I just want to talk to him and tell him what’s going on in our lives.

Visitation: Wednesday May 2, 2007, 4:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.
Stygar MidRivers Funeral Home
5987 Mid Rivers Mall Drive
St. Charles, MO 63304

Services: Thursday, May 3,2007, 11:30 a.m.
Stygar MidRivers Funeral Home

There will be no cemetery visit since Bob wished to be cremated. In lieu of flowers we are asking that donations be made to pancreatic cancer research at PanCAN.org.

After the service you are invited to attend a gathering at our house. Directions will be provided at the funeral home.

Thank you for your love and support during this time.

Sue

It was so quick that I’m still not sure its real but when I wake in the morning and he’s not there I guess that’s when the reality will set in. Fr. Tom wanted to know about Bob so Ryan printed off all the wonderful comments on his blog. I truly think that his friends and relatives told the story so well. Thank you all so much.

He will be so missed. There is a song in the musical Wicked that says” because I knew you, I have been changed for good. You have left a hand print on my heart” that’s what I feel about Bob right now. Some how, in some way he has changed all of us.

Tomorrow Kelly and I start the process of saying good bye and we will let you know the details of the arrangements.

Love to you all,

Sue

Some of his hallucinations made us laugh. He won $12 at poker, he was driving a race car with his nephew Andrew, telling our handyman in Texas how to put up ceiling fans and he was controlling airplanes. As the hospice social worker said (who was here through part of this) at least he is recalling good happy things. One statement he made really scared me. He said his grandparents are missing him. I guess I believe he was talking to them.

Today Bob has not been awake except for about 15 minutes. He is in no pain and is not agitated at all. Kelly and Ryan have been here since yesterday afternoon and reinforcements are coming tonight and tomorrow. Kelly and Ryan will be spending the weekend here. We are most likely down to days now.

I’m afraid that the next time you get a post it will be to say that Bob is playing poker with Hank and Len in the big casino in the sky.

I love all of you,

Sue

This is my diary of Monday and Tuesday and my
To-Do list for the rest of the week!

Monday a.m.
Hospice intake nurse (Erin) came and spent several hours, made many notes and really got the ball rolling.
Monday p.m.
Hospital bed, walker, another wheelchair, port-a-potty, oxygen (tanks and non-portable) were all delivered and set up with the help of Chuck. New medicines were ordered and received. Bought new sheets and a baby monitor.

Monday late p.m., Tuesday early a.m.
Bob took the new medicine (morphine) and slept for 6 hours straight. In fact, I had to wake him up to give him his 9 a.m shot. This is really a good thing, he has not been sleeping for longer than 2 hours at a time because of the foot pain. No wake up = no pain!

Tuesday a.m.
Swarm of termites took up residence in my entry way. Actually swarming and taking up residence are opposites. They swarmed, Chuck and I sprayed Raid and vacuumed them up.

Tuesday p.m.
Nurse Kelly came, more questions, checked out Bob’s foot, re-bandaged it. Nurse Kelly will come on Tuesdays and Fridays for the time being. We are going to watch Bob’s new drugs very carefully, because right now he is in no pain, but he can’t focus his eyes, can’t complete a sentence and just wants to sleep. Five minutes after the nurse left, Bob wanted a cigarette so he took his walker to go outside on the front porch and fell. (see the above sentence about not focusing!) It is also reason #985 to quit smoking! I knew cars and boats were problems for him but walkers???? No major damage to Bob but I lost about 4 years!

To-Do
Wednesday:
A.M Doctor’s appointment
P.M. Hospice Social Worker (Toni)
P.M. Exterminators

Thursday:
A.M. Dentist - Sue
P.M. Hospice Chaplain (Howard)

Friday:
P.M. Hospice Nurse Kelly

And people say retirement is boring, HA!

I hope you never have to use Hospice and my experience is only 2 days old, but I have to say they are efficient and quick. It appears to be a well run organization. Different departments actually communicate with one another and they do what they say.

I know this was long, sorry, but the blog is a good outlet for me too.

Take care,

Sue

We had several great groups of company thruout the week and over the weekend, friends and relatives from far and wide.  I would like to thank everyone who visited, especially those who live on the other side of the state and are making or have made trips just to see us.  The visits really do make a difference in Bob’s attitude and general well being.  He seems to “perk up” and rise to the occasion whenever  there is someone besides me to talk to.  Maybe its me, could I be the drag? nah can’t be!  I also totally enjoy the company.  So I want you to come and visit as much as Bob does.

 The boy is not eating much at all and is really tired of me asking him what he wants to drink.  It has become quite the guessing game, you never  know what will work.  I bought some Hawaiian Punch popcicles and he ate 2 of them today.  I figure its sugar and water, can’t hurt. 

 This blog has been great.   Since I know everyone who comments, it never occured to me how comments are preceived by others.  I think cyber friendships are being formed.  For example, Sharon (in KC) really wants to meet Mary Beth, Sharon feels like she already knows her.  Mary Anne thinks Teri has the right idea and wants to be hooked up with her.  (Now in fairness, Mary Anne always likes anything to do with champagne).  It really doesn’t surprise me, because I know and love all of you and I wouldn’t have friends who were not good people.

Hospice should be set up tomorrow.  I was told it takes a couple of hours to evaluate everything.  Probably won’t be a fun day, but we believe its necessary and unfortuately timely.  I’ll post something when I know details.

That’s all from here.  Have a good week and stay safe.

Sue

The bad news has oficially arrived.   We are no longer going to do anything to fight the cancer.  We are going to “sign up” for Hospice care Friday.  At this point the care will be provided in our house with the option of moving to the hospital.

There are a lot of you that I would like to see but I am not going to be able to because of the dificulty of getting around.  Any, and all of you are welcome to come here.  Yes, Sue has approved that statement.

Things really haved moved a lot faster than what was anticipated.  My posts and comments will be slowing down I am sure.  I still have a good attitude but my  sense of humor is suffering.  Hang in there with me.  We know what is coming soon, but we can still have a little fun.

Love you all,

 Bob

Anyway, the Valentines and Stephensons had a pretty good Saturday. We talked about a lot of issues, wants, don’t wants, cried a little and even laughed a little. Bob went on an outing with Kelly and Ryan to Dairy Queen. It appeared that both the Munchie man and the “baby” needed ice cream! Now, Bob would like to have a motorized scooter instead of the wheelchair, but I told him he needed to master the manual one before he gets a motor! Max would never recover!

On a serious note, we decided that we will use in-home Hospice for Bob’s continuing care. Many pros and cons for both Hospice and hospital, but we feel Bob will be much more comfortable at home with his big screen and his recliner. I hope it will make it easier for friends and relatives to visit also. We also talked about the step after hospice but that’s too new and raw for me to discuss right now. Just know that we are going to be doing what Bob wants. If you aren’t familiar with hospice, and I hope you aren’t, there are many good web sites available. One I found very helpful is hospicenet.org.

He goes to the doctor on Wednesday and I hope he gets more hydration. That has seemed to really help his alertness. He has also decided that being macho man and toughing out the pain is stupid, so we are giving him the max pain relief he can have. As Bob said, getting hooked on pain killers is probably the least of his worries.

Thanks for all the caring you are providing us. I’ll update more after the doctor’s visit.

Sue

Doctor’s visit showed that he was very dehydrated, so they pumped him full of saline solution for an hour. He also has been having chills without a fever which is not a good sign. The doctor asked us to discuss what options he/we wanted for continuing care. This weekend Bob, Kelly and I are going to have the “talk” we have been putting off.

Our main objective now is to keep Bob out of pain as much as possible. The drugs make him sleepy, but then the pain is manageable so that’s a good thing. Please continue to comment on the blog, call or visit. He faithfully checks the blog when he’s awake.

I want to thank everyone who has commented on the blog, visited, called, offered and provided food/wine, help and prayers. It is very heart warming to know that so many good people care about us.

I’ll do another update in a few days.

Love,
Sue